#greyouts

[multiplicity-positivity]

Dissociative Amnesia

Our thoughts and experiences, and some resources to learn more.

Hello everyone! We’ve gotten a few asks recently wondering about amnesia in dissociative disorders, so we’ve decided to put this post together. We will cover as much as we can about amnesia, and talk about our experience with it.

What is amnesia?

Amnesia is partial or total memory loss that is more severe than common, every day forgetfulness. People may experience amnesia for a wide variety of reasons, such as experiencing a head or brain injury, being inebriated, having an illness or disease that affects the mind, lack of sleep, and extreme stress/fatigue/brain fog. Amnesia (specifically dissociative amnesia) is a really big part of many dissociative disorders (with the exception being OSDD-1B). In dissociative disorders, alters may experience full amnesia (blackouts) or partial amnesia (greyouts).

What are blackouts?

A blackout is when a person or alter experiences a jump in time, or finds that they cannot recall key events from the past. Their memories may feel fragmented, incomplete, or literally “blacked out.” Coming back from a blackout can be overwhelming, scary, and disorienting.

For us, blackouts look like: seemingly “snapping awake” suddenly with no recollection of what we had been doing. Coming to in odd places, like the grocery store or the park or the library, with no idea how we got there or what led up to that point. Feeling like we are jumping forward in time (it’s Monday today, but I blinked and it’s Thursday now). Large gaps in memory, especially memories from our childhood. Fragments of memories may remain as factual information (EX: “I know we went to the store yesterday, but I don’t remember anything we bought or any of the details”), or there may be no lingering information at all (EX: “I can’t remember what happened yesterday and there’s food I didn’t buy in the fridge”)

What are greyouts?

A greyout is an experience of partial amnesia, and the term covers a broad range of experiences. It may mean that a particular aspect of a memory was forgotten, or that you feel emotionally, physically, or otherwise detached from a memory. The memory may exist, but it feels hazy or incomplete when you try to recall it.

For us, greyouts look like: feeling emotionally or physically detached from memories. Able to recall the past but it seems shaky, foggy, hazy or unclear. Retaining some details in memories but not others. Memories feel like a film, or like something that we heard about in a story, but not something that actually happened to us.

How can I tell the difference?

Telling the difference between blackouts and greyouts can be quite tricky! In general, for our system, if we’re able to recall events with some clarity, there isn’t any amnesia. If we can recall only pieces, or feel like the memory isn’t ours at all, it’s a greyout. If our mind is just blank regarding a certain memory, or we can only recall what others have told us, rather than the events themselves, it’s a blackout.

Can I experience amnesia without knowing it?

Yes, and we actually thought we had a pretty good memory before learning about our dissociative disorder and the amnesia that comes along with it! This is because our mind tends to fill in the gaps that it can’t explain or understand. These pseudomemories, or projections, led us to believe our memory was healthy and normal. We’ve since learned that many of the memories we took for granted were just projections from our brain trying to fill in gaps and help us function to the best of our ability. It’s something we had been oblivious to for decades, but at this point we are very aware of how unstable and unreliable our memory is. It is a part of having a dissociative disorder!

Can dissociative amnesia heal/Can my memory improve if I have amnesia?

We think so, yes! Our therapist has assured us that memory can be repaired and healed with treatment and time. Patience and self-compassion can both aid in this process! We ourselves are trying to heal, and our hope is that as our system becomes more integrated, we will be able to recall more memories and recover details as a result. It is a difficult process though, and one that we are actively pursuing through therapy! Some may be able to heal their dissociative amnesia without therapy, but for us, having outside help and a support team is essential to our healing journey.

Sources/Links to Learn More:

Please feel free to reach out to us if you have any further questions, or to share corrections or concerns! Thank you so much for reading, and have a great day!

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[twiigthetwiink]

How to know if you have dissociative amnesia?

How to know if you have greyouts?

How to know if you have a memory holder?

How to know who your memory holder is?

[exorsysm]

does anyone else have issues with misremembering things other alters did?

like. you have the memory but its Wrong?

for example, i have a memory of spencer changing our sheets, but in the memory the bed is on the other side of the room. it couldnt be that it was moved and i forgot because that would put the bed in front of our closet and there would be other stuff to move around too.

along with this, several memories that i have from other alters have been changed to be in our house that burned down??? its to a point where i cant tell which happened where.

i also remember these things in third person, so maybe its some kind of grayout? im not sure. help appreciated!

-grey

[cold--carnage]

well now I understand some things a little bit better

[theforestknowsmydreams]

there's a song i remember listening to on repeat all day yesterday and i just put it on and i swear to everything i have NEVER heard this before

[deargravity]

so tired of the evil alter trope. if you’re still writing stories (thrillers, mysteries or otherwise) where the plot twist is Dissociative Identity Disorder, i’ll show up to your house and kill you

[defrostedvertebrae]

you never really get used to being met with something you did but you have absolutely 0 memory of huh

[midas-well]

I am fond of the idea that 🪴 has a twin. It isn't exactly certain if the two are distinct alters, or if they are the same identity that simply shifts, but there was a dream character that looked quite striking. He looked rather similar to 🪴 but the hair styled slightly differently, was not dyed. We call him her winter-weather twin. Of course, it likely was not an alter, but it was significant enough to warrant drawing. And being as there appeared to be another alter who would confuse themself with 🪴 (🪣 currently?), it felt most fitting to hold onto it.

I can see a bit of story being built internally, a narrative being built for them already. It is not intentional, but the concepts are clicking in to place together.

I ponder if 🪴 was involved in a split, or if they truly are the same being. Who can truly know.

[sepias-scribbles]

Art of Ren!!

Could you tell we like em? (Their appearance is so fascinating!! It's also hard to draw sometimes TwT)

First one was made from Ren themself!! ^^ They were out for it so they wanted to draw how they felt :3 They didn't exactly finish, but close enough ^^ (Just imagine they're resting their cheek on their hand XD) Second one was made by... Whoever we are/were!! We're actually not sure ^^;; They made it because, well, Ren's art was right there ^^ So it would make for an easy comparison! :3

I can remember the thought process <3 it was very much about proportions btw :3 like the relation between the mouth and the nose, or about where the ear amd jaw and chin would be ^^ And it was very *This does not look like what Ren made*, because it wasn't them! So of course it would feel different, silly! ^^💛

^ How they felt btw :3 this was before they drew Ren XD (Kinda imagine like a Jax expression, like when the fudge monster was hit? But also not really?)

We have ways we prefer to draw because it feels natural that way, so it kinda made it really obvious that this was NOT one of our frequent fronters we have written down :3

[hmltn44]

wait is not drinking enough water one of the causes of pots or is it just a thing u do to treat pots if u have it already. guys I might have pots

[multiplicity-positivity]

What is a grey-out? As opposed to black-out?

We’ve made a post on dissociative amnesia where we explain the differences (as we understand them)! You can check it out here:

🌸 Margo

[boneless-mika]

“OSDDID is…” *proceeds to only describe DID*

[bluteamplural]

that was fucking WEIRD i haven't had a full blackout memory gap in a while

[systemofuncertainty]

Fuck. Well if today didn't prove it to her/ anyone still denying... idk what will

[brokenmachinemusings]

having a complex dissociative disorder sucks cuz on one hand. what if im faking? on the other i feel like im constantly stucj in a cirlce of trauma responses (fight or flight but also fawn and freeze). and i forget stuff about my favorite media months. if not weeks or even days after indulging in it. yes i have more “pressing matters” abojt my amnesia but using media is a way to cope for me and forgetting about said media feels like im forgetting a part of myself? or how to cope? its odd. i dont know

[skautism]

mmmm rum. alcohol calories dont count.