#god i should stop doing this to myself. i dONT HAVE TIME
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transmigrator! luo binghe and system! shen yuan au:
shen yuan refuses to take bingheās b-points away as punishmentāinstead, he turns off his voice box until binghe apologises, which happens the moment the āaudio offā toggle appears.
binghe calls shen yuan āa-yuanā when heās being cheeky and āyuan-geā when he wants more b-points to enable his shopaholic tendencies. shen yuan tried to shut down the system shopping function once but binghe just refused to do anything in the story until he got it back up.
(āiām on strike,ā he said, and listened as his adorable companion ranted for hours at him about the importance of maintaining the narrative and avoiding landmines. it all concluded with shen yuan believing heās won by teaching his host about responsibility and luo binghe agreeing while browsing the new additions to the store)
whenever they end up in a sci-fi setting shen yuan has to drag binghe away from the android shops/factories. āi donāt need a body. it wouldnāt work. binghe, be good, you have a multiuniverse to save.ā
they donāt talk about the tentacle monster. shen yuan has wiped it from the mission logs. luo binghe gets a -5 b-points notification whenever he utters the word āslimeā regardless of context.
thereās more iāve thought up for this but iām considering actually writing it so iāll stop here for now. i just wanted all of you to consider the possibility. ponder with me. meditate on it, for those of such inclinations.
#svsss#svsss au#bingyuan#luo binghe#shen yuan#this could be bing-ge maybe? hm.#god i should stop doing this to myself. i dONT HAVE TIME
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every so often i will see a post from a leftist on this website that is so egregiously ableist that i remember that like. oh yeah the userbase of leftists on this website is violently anti-disabled people and will jump at any chance to demonize any of us for any reason. i just forget that fact because i'm extremely dedicated to curating my space
i'm paraphrasing here but i saw a post that said, "every time i see an American [disabled person] mention being scared about the election because they're afraid of losing their benefits i have to laugh. anybody who wants blood-soaked money from the US government deserves to starve" which. like. goodness that's a lot to unpack. i think we should burn the whole suitcase instead !
#i inserted [disabled person] because they used a fucking slur instead and i didn't want that in my post#like i feel like there should be room for disabled people like me whose lives literally entirely depend on accessing said >#> extremely limited benefits in conversations about whether voting in this election makes you complicit in genocide#which like! i do understand. i do. it's nauseating to think about what this shit ass country is doing. it's horrific. i do not blame anyone#> for not wanting to be a part of that. *and* i am also terrified for my own life because i remember the first time trump won it suddenly >#> became IMPOSSIBLE for ANYONE to get on benefits. EVER. and so many disabled ppl i know went to renew benefits theyd had for decades >#> just to be denied. one of whom was a below-the-neck paraplegic. he died because he lost those benefits!!! because trump won#i really do understand why people dont feel right voting for harris. or why they don't vote at all. i truly do. but holy shit i am so scare#and yes! i am aware that people in palestine and gaza are suffering so much worse. and i wish i could change that#but every single person in power in the US is pro-israel and eagerly drinking the anti-palestine kool-aid. no matter who wins >#> things will not change in that part of the world. and it is infuriating. when the revolution comes this will change. but it hasnt.#the revolution will not save me as a physically disabled person. it will not save any of us. we do not matter to leftists. i am sorry but >#> this is the one thing i have learned after being in leftist spaces for over 10 years. and posts like the one i mentioned prove it#so i am very sorry. i really am. for being physically disabled. but i cannot survive another 4 years relying on my parents for everything#if trump wins i will be killing myself. this is a promise. i cannot do that again#i know it makes me a bad person to be afraid that harris will lose. but people on the left already think i'm a bad person for being disable#i want the genocide to stop. i absolutely do. i also want to survive. i am terrified that the US leftists will sacrifice disabled people#like me so they can feel good about being put in a real life trolley situation#again. im sorry. im so fucking sorry. i wish i was a better person. i wish i was able to give more. i know that if i was just a good#person i would be able to have a job and give to every palestinian gofundme on my dash. i would be able to do more than my daily clicks >#> and reaching out and calling representatives that don't care. if i was a good person i would be able to convince my parents that z*onism>#is deeply fucking racist. and that israel is wildly racist and killing palestinians for fun. if i was a good person i would be able to make#>them leftists too. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry im not good enough. im sorry that im scared. im so scared and it's not right for me to be#when so much worse is going on because of this countrys bloodlust. im sorry that im benefiting from being born here i dont want to be#im sorry for not having any other options. if i was a good person i know i would have them. im sorry. god im sorry im so fucking sorry
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talked w/ a friend about this and wanted to post something similar yesterday after a convo i saw also
about people criticizing ttcc / ttcc fans for just... being cog fans? being cog centric? usually coming from people who only like the toons.
and everyone likes what they like! it's okay! but saying that people who like the cogs are horrible and support the bad things they do, is just blatantly wrong. i thought we knew that enjoying villainous and morally Bad / grey characters is... okay? it doesn't mean you support what they do. it's interesting to explore these topics.
i've seen many people just... paint anyone who likes the cogs as horrible because they're "apologists of x and y" and... i dunno. rubs me the wrong way! you do have a point and recognize the cogs do bad things, but liking them as characters means nothing about who you are as a person.
and this is not to say that people who are in toontown for the toons are bad. hell! they are right this IS toontown. i may be on the cog liker side but i like the toons! maybe ocs more than the npcs - mostly because i like my friends and the sheer creativity the toons can bring out!!
SO what i wanna say... i dunno. let's not point fingers...? let's have fun in a goofy cartoon game together??? also complaining about people liking VILLAIN ROBOTS on TUMBLR is kind of funny to me. do you realize where you are. but then again a lot of this i see on discord and in-game as well since i avoid things on tumblr... i am a sensitive little fella i avoid misty fight bc of One Really mean "Critic" guy i saw there and i have been shivering in my bootsies since. so you get me
but like yes ttcc is more cog centric but... that's okay? things could be written better and i still wanna speak on it, and i do thing the toons deserve attention and better writing... but the fact it focuses on the cogs isn't... bad? if you don't like how con centric it is you can go play ttr...? god forbid people have fun and explore the villain's side of things...? i'm not saying either toontown server is better or worse than the other... and everyone can like their own things!!
but like... people will just like the cogs and that's okay and it doesn't make you bad. let's all be friends okay? both sides may be going at each other's necks in-game and the cogs in fact do horrible things - but it's what makes them fun, and it gives the toons things to do in the game!! but we don't gotta !!!!!!!! i may be really sarcastic and sometimes mean in private but like that's me just privately sassing, deep down i think people should just... y'know..? enjoy things.
so yea that's the guzma / cathal thought of today. toon people cog people both people are all awesome as fuck and you keep doing what you're doing i love you toontown isn't toontown without you
#anyways omg god forbid ppl are cog kissers on the robot kissing website /silly#but like!! tt/r may not be for everyone and tt/cc may not be for everyone and THATS OK!! ur not gonna like everything!!#like i accepted tt/r isnt for me but its mostly bc they dont show cog health specifically and i struggle with these things but !! i#heard they are updating that so i might be able to play without getting bored / frustrated again ^^ i havent played properly in yeaaaars#i will still prefer clash bc fixation and?? i LIKE ROBOBTS....!#but tewtow is tewtow its all swag. the least toony thing u can do is bully someone for Liking Robobt. be niceys#like ya i admit im not perfect i also dont like people andhave so much one sided beef and i am sensitive to so many things and i complain#in private but at the end of the day its to make myself feel better and i KNOW to not engage and look away and work on feeling better#bc this stuff does Heehoo upset me bc Mental Health Probulem. but i know everyone should and can do their own thing and have fun#i may complain about (redacted ship) all the time and i dont get it at all but...? bro... just have fun... be free. im not here to stop you#im just not gonna interact as i should. good for both of us! joyous world! happy that ur happy!!!!#why complain abt ppl just Enjoying Cogs like that though................................................ do you not like fun#this is not at anyone specific#my friend did show me tags of a post anonymously#and i vague a person whos name i dont know ingame like A YEAR AGO#and a convo what happened in a server a while back. but its not anyone specific i just wanted to like. speak my thoughts#lets be frense... and if not thats okay lets not argue either then we all stay in our lanes
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Feeling very Ascension by Gorillaz ft Vince Staples at 2:18
#i need to solve a puzzle or some shit. god. fuck.#i cant concentrate on anything i cant fall asleep i cant stay asleep i cant stay awake i cant wake up on time#i hate depression š and all the other things wrong with me yknow#i need to do something like. good for me. but its so damn hard to drag myself into doing that too#brain. stop being so foggy. please.#im even like. im eating im drinking water. i could probably like do some sort of exercise but everything makes me so tired.....#like even a walk yknow? i do my shift at work and im at 3% battery. i dont. i dont know what to do man#and i dont even wanna die about it???? im actively NOT suicidal for once#like are you kidding me??? ive been suicidal for like over a decade and for once#my brain is still popping up like have you considered killing yourself? š¤ but im Genuinely not swayed by it at all#which is weird. and probably good. but now i just feel like. numb#stuck. stagnant. foggy. can we PLEASE cut through this fog and have some meaningful brain functions for a little bit. brain. cmon#i dont wanna die but i *do* wanna sleep for like. three days#i want a week off where i have NOTHIN to do#genuinely nothing to do. chores are done work is on pause i need nothing creeping in at the edges thinkin bout#ohhhhh you should be doing this instead..........youre wasting your time........do a task.....#but i cant i cant do a task. i cant. and its so frustrating and i feel bad about it#id feel much worse about it if my BRAIN wasnt as foggy as fucking SAN FRANCISCO#and i keep trying like. healthy ways of ''feeling something'' like hobbies i like or yummy food#nothin. does fuckin nothin. i get off and it gives me a Little bit of clarity Maybe. like#no wonder bad coping mechanisms happen yknow??? its an absolute fucking miracle i havent taken up smoking#anyway. i need to go to bed. tomorrows gonna be a long day. if you feel so inclined send me mental love or something. im fuckin tired folks.
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trying to do some financial math for if i move out and getting sick to my stomach
#ohhhhhhhhh god. oh christ alive.#my problem is that my discipline used to be great when i was both severely depressed/agoraphobic AND unemployed#and stopped wanting for things altogether. not the case anymore#wanting for things usually being...eating during or after work or getting a ride to go somewhere nice for a bit. whatever#i think its...DOABLE theoretically but im like. um. nervous#asked my manager for full time hours which im already kicking myself over but well if i want to get out of here#and i do so so so fucking badly#then. things have to change#struggling hard. i hate change and i hate making decisions especially ones i have yet to tell my mom about#NUMBER of things keeping me from acting quite yet but thats probably the worst is the thought of telling her#i dont know...how financially me moving out is going to work for her and my brother (who also wants to move eventually)#and i dont...i dont want to leave them here to drown#but i cant DO IT ANYMORE MAN if i dont try to get out i never will and the despair of being stuck here has done IMMENSE damage#to me over the last few weeks particularly after being able to envision a future where things are different#thinking about getting out of here gives me the energy to do things. i want to get out. i NEED to get OUT#god i really should just start making the body of the post the title and then writing the tags where the post should go#this is not how blogging works generally. embarrassing. well it probably wont change because i dont care enough
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#i think this is just my irritability from my meds#so iām putting my rant down in the tags#im going to delete this later but i just needed to get this out bc iāve seen it quite a few times now#but if i see one more fuckin person say something along the lines of āstop drawing the iterators/slugcats in this way because itās boring#or wrong or doesnāt match up with MY HEADCANONā#im gonna fucking lose it. if you want to see slugcats or iterators drawn how YOU like them. why donāt YOU draw them. or YOU pay other#artists you draw them for you?#the fact that some people are so god damn entitled to fanworks that passionate people are making FOR FREE#this isnāt about any of my followers or anything and i block people who say shit like that on sight but for real.#your interpretations of characters and designs are not the end all be all. i interpret sigs shape language as pointy! a lot of the fandom#sees her as square! you know what i DONT do? make posts about how artists should stop drawing him square#you know what i DO do? draw her pointy MYSELF!#iāll delete this later bc it really doesnāt matter and itās NOT directed at any of my followers or moots itās just a general thing ive seen#you do realize that most of what we have to go off of are 10 pixel tall muppets right.#going crazy stupid with designs is FUN! im beginning to think some of yāall take this shit WAY too seriously lmao#anyways.
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Me: "I don't like people, I prefer being on my own and not talking"
People: "oh okay we'll leave you be then"
Me: "wait no PLEASE COME BACK I WANT LOVE-"
#its not that i dont like people. its just that i have resorted to avoiding people out of habit and a sense that i make things worse#like its not that i DON'T want to message my friend. its just that I cant bring myself to since i usually dont#ha ha ha. god i am desperate to just speak to people but I want to be left alone and im scared of people turning out to be mean#i kinda feel like crying when i see people say how they love their friends and cuddle up with them and have fun#lol one of my old best friends caused me to have awful anxiety about myself because he judged and made fun of ke constantly#oh yeah and that other time after i broke up with a friend because we stupidly decided to try and date and it didnt go well#the bastard asked the person out that night. they said no because they aren't an ass or dumb. god i should have left him when he said that#oh yeah he also made fun of my sunny cosplay i did and then left me alone in the comic con crowd for half an hour#as someone with anxiety that fucked me up just a little#so yeah bad past friendships and terrible social skills have left me to just go lol cant get hurt if i dont have friends!#ha ha. this is agony.#i have like one actaul friend i talk to and she's going through some stuff and wants to be left alone#which is understandable but now I'm talking to absolutely no one#also even if i were to talk to people i just feel i make things worse#i feel like im obnoxious and weird constantly and I'm sobscsred that people are going to think I'm creepy#its not that im doing anything super weird its just that with my autism I can get overly excited and start rambling and not thinking#yet another reason why I've chosen to stop speaking as much#im also just really snappy sometimes#I remember a while ago someone i was kinda friends with asked me if i was okay and i said i was fine#they kept pushing because they were concerned and no ones ever really done that so i kind of panicked and raised my voice at them#i wasn't angry i just never had someone try and actually pry that deep before other than maybe my parents#they seem like a lovely person but i still feel so horrible for doing that to them#sure i apologises later and they understood but i felt like it was one of the most awful things ive done to someone#i hate even the thought of being cruel or mean and all they were trying to do was help and i snapped at them for it#sorry for being ranty but I'm starting to think im really not okay#I've pondered the idea of possibly having deppression but thats a conversation for my counselor#again sorry for sumoing and ill probably delete this soon#if anyone has read all of this im honestly impressed#personal rambles#vent tag
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#woof. if all goes to plan Tomorrow is the last day i have to take measurements forever. if all goes to plan. if all goes to plan. but im#not holding my breath bc thats asking for chaos. i think this week ive done a good job of not pushing it#in terms of not torturing myself and making myself insane. which is good bc its exhausting taking measurements with the ambient stress of#apartment hunting from across the country. ive toured 2 places from afar and applied to them. and im meeting with someone to talk abt#potentially being roommates tomorrow. which is terrifying bc i really just wanna beg them like pls pls like me so i can stop looking pls#like i have to rely on my charisma i guess when im a bit asocial and odd. not unlikable but idk maybe they want someone more normie idk#its exhausting. ive sent so many emails and so many places r like no u gotta physically visit. ugh#and i have to clean my whole apartment by Tuesday for my landlord to inspect bc i had to give them a 30 day notice or else they wouldn't#release my info for like referal on background checks. there should b flexibility in when i can leave tho. its just stressful#at least im doing this when im pretty stable and i stop taking measurements tomorrow but i haven't taken a break since last Saturday#and haven't really had time to properly draw which annoys me and apparently i wont get a break this weekend with all the cleaning i gotta do#but oh well. at least im better off than the other person i kno who is moving Tuesday across the country and currently doesnt have a place#to stay. so i guess theyre gonna b living out of their car for a while. im stressed enough a month out from leaving#sigh. im just v tired and my heart is beating too fast and i wanna start cleaning now but im sleepy#whenever we go sampling we joke that we have to make sacrifices to the weather gods for good conditions. i guess i gotta make sacrifices#to the housing gods š ugh. pls. i dont wanna still b doing this for another week when i wont have time bc ill actually have to focus on#things. ugh. cant wait to b in the future where i dont have to deal with this#unrelated
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Itās difficult to not feel discouraged sometimes when your partner is also an artist and happens to be faster than you in every conceivable way
This doesnāt bother me often because everyone is different and comparing production time and skill against each other or anyone is detrimental mostly and its ok to have your own workflow
but it does weigh on me vaguely sometimes sometimes that she can finish 2-3 full coloured pieces within a week and ive been painfully scratching out the same number but theyre only sketches that ill never revisit within a month
None of this actually matters in the long run, it just makes me feel bad on occasion
#like i should be doing more#im very sorry for complaining so much online#i just dont really have any other way to express myself#i know some of you have generously and kindly reached out to me to offer an ear#but my fatal flaw is i cant talk to anyone about my problems i just idk it was beaten into me that none of it matter#matters or my problems arent a big deal and i know ots healthy to think actuallt my problems are worth talking about or a big deal#but its hard to change a behaviour that was kinda literally beaten jnto you that talking about stuff likw this is a waste of time#i guess i just feel bad that i could do more and i dont because i dont want to#but i also want to if that makes any sense at all#i suppose it also doesnt help that alot of the work im doing right now i actually sorta hate like none of it is good to me personally#i want to stop being toxic towards myself#i just wanna stop hating me and who i am and what i do every step of the way#but that mean little voice inside me is like ahh. it wont shut up#I always say i need a break or more time but what am i gonna do with it#doing nothing at all isnt fulfilling#it sounds. sad like what teenager me did and i dont want to be or feel like that ever again but its fuckjng hard#this is so woe is me#im a liar bc i say the main text doesnt bother me but it bothers me alot im very envious of her speed prolificness and drive to create#and i have none like thats so unfair#this makes me sound ultra bitter god fucking damn it#i want to go to sleep and genuinely never fucking wake up again#please im done i just dont want to
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oh jesus remember when before I left for the US I tried to get back into dating and I went on a date with a guy who was a server at a prestigious restaurant and for some reason I thought that nevertheless this might go well? bcs I really needed something to go well in my life.
we were both fine as people of course and had a nice chat but between my intense auto derision at the end of the date as well as mentioning that "I don't like food that much" uhh meant I did not get contacted again! you live and you learn! and what you learn is to say you're fucking autistic much earlier on in meeting someone (if things are going well and you feel safe sharing that) (which they always seem like they are because most people are normal but you might just not want to spend more time with them). and you live to meet people who you click with better! who bring out sides of you that make you feel okay with having a hard time with food! and who won't let you talk at length about yourself negatively or make you feel bad for being open about your self-analysis! and who make you want to be a better version of yourself, but that also, make you feel like this version right now is good too.
#personal#me#its the 'you met me at a weird time in my life' but with a spin#bcs ive been on these meds for 2 years now.#for 2 years and several months ive had a disabling pain increase with an accompanying rise in other symptoms#so like at some point you learn to work with it. sort of. id really like my memory back.#its hard to know how much better i can be because that requires a leap of faith and doing a lot of very serious shit#like. attending a program for alcoholics. getting to understand addiction better. trying to see how life is without pain meds.#bcs i know without the meds it WILL be okay. i just have to accommodate myself even more and take more time for me.#and god knows i dont want to do that. i just want to be normal!!!! but I can't!!! and doctors suck!!#so you have to weigh the pros and cons of this really hard thing that stopping is hard to do.#i know i need to address it. i guess i should start by talking about it.#sorry completely different topic in the notes
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My batshit fucking insane conservative nurse coworker who once used slavery as an argument that abortion access should be up to the state's discretion and not a universal right: You know you shouldn't be wearing your mask everywhere, it's going to hurt your immune system. >:(
Me, a girl who eats expired food off the apartment floor that she cleans exactly once a year, touches random bugs outside, and just randomly sticks her fingers and hands in her mouth without even thinking of washing them first: No, no I think I'll be ok.
#girlie I think my immune system will be ok I think I'm exposing myself to germs JUST fine with it on#I just... you know... don't SPREAD those germs to ppl because I wear a mask and disinfect my hands before touching someone in clinic#but on my own time good god I am gross#I had to train myself to stop chewing on pens once I started in the hospital bc u dont know where they have been and that shit is HARD#she posted the states rights thing on a facebook post of mine and I was SO shocked#also like.... SLAVERY. REALLY????? DO YOU WANT TO BRING IT BACK OR SOMETHING THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU#like christ have some respect for the generations of people who were literal property and killed? don't bring that on my fukn facebook post#m'am we had an entire civil war about how slavery should not be left to the state's discretion#the dragoon diaries#she is SO fucking crazy
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if i drop out of college i may lose the opportunity to make friends with other people in similar age and interest groups VS i'm already not making friends in college so it's not like i'm missing out on much. FIGHT
#goddddd i am so miserable. things will be ok eventually but right now god they suck#i made it to class today and im so dissapointed in myself bc ive been here for 4 years so ive seen a lot of the same people and i still don#know them and they dont know me. i wish i knew how to make and maintain friendships better#also i know that friendships don't stop when college stops its just the fear talking#but i sure am afraid!#today is the first time ive left my apartment in like 1.5 weeks ive been so fatigued. i dont know how im supposed to do this#but i also dont know how im supposed to tell my mom i might drop out :(#anyways anyways anyways#i have a meeting with a coach from my uni disability services later and i might ask about it then. i feel like theyre gonna discourage me#which is fair but like im not looking for encouragement so much as resources#like if i DO drop what should i do next#orating!
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#i knew today was going to be hard#im shaking again and I feel like crying#i know when this wave of sadness is coming and I just cant stop#not even when im around people#i dont think i can sleep#i have meds here but I donāt want to take them#ive never taken meds anyway so idk#itās justā¦ m going on with this weight on my chest#sometimes itās hard to breathe#i dont know how to do this#probably i should see a therapist but i dont know i dont have money to do that now#itās still too soon maybe? but I know myself#i know im hard on myself now but god i wish i could turn back time#im sorry if i rant here#i know this should be a happy place but itās tough and im not strong enough#tw grief
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ughhhhhhh the Depression Miasma is settling in, I fear
#wanna do nothing but socially isolate myself#just Stop Talking To People#and like. drop out of dnd and anime nights with my college friends and stop playing in orchestra#i wont bc thats Bad For Me. but i am so tired. i havent like. had a fun dnd sesh in months. literally almost cried after last weeks#just bc its not fun#mulling over cutting off contact with another college friend (no one here dont worry) bc i havent had a pleasant talk with him in ages#again. i wont. bc thats bad for me and also hella mean. but god.#i am so tired and no rest does anything for me. i get flashes of really good times and then just Dont Enjoy Things for a while. its great#sorry i really am just venting here bc i dont have anywhere else to post it#i just. am so tired. i feel like I've stalled out even though i realistically haven't. i should be Doing Important Things.#and instead i just sit at the dinner table and yell about music to the two people in my family who will still listen.#it sucks and makes me sad. this sucks#ill be fine just. ughhhhhhhh
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remember being a teen and watching shit like soul eater and kimono jihen and thinking god damn i wish I had a perpetually exhausted but badass mentor to help me get through things?
well now im 27 and im the perpetually exhausted mentor with bedhead and a slight alcohol problem to my 15 year old cousin and im gonna tear my hair out about not being able to just let her stay for a bit because i know it doesnt matter fuck all what i say to her dad, shes still gonna be treated like shit just because shes a moody teen with undiagnosed add and an autustic brother who constantly talks over everyone. i suddenly need a cigarette.
#like he was going on about shes doing bad in school because she sleeps late and all she needs to do#is got to bed early!!! reset her internal clock!!#BRO IM LITERALLY RIGHT HERE AT 27 STILL ONLY FALLING ASLEEP AT 5AM AND WAKING AT NOON BEVAUSE THATS NOT A THING YOU CAN CONTROL#ESPECIALLY WITH ADD/ADHD.#IM LITERALLY DIAGNOSED I CAN TELL YOU YOURE WRONG AND I CAN EVEN SOURCE THE ARTICLES THAT EXPLAIN WHY#FUCKING ARE YOU KIDDING ME#im still mad cause i sat with with poor kid while she tried to keep from bawling her eyes out because she made a snarky comment#about her brother talking about his coin collecting (and to be clean its not jus tthat he cant understand social cues he just literally#never stops making noise. we all know he cant control it but we also all know its because his parents denied he was autistic until he was 21#despite the fact he stopped maturing at 11. we love him.to death but oh my god i cant handle it for two visits a year#Of course his sibling feel like they live in an insane asylum)#like yeah it was a rude comment but fuck can you blame her?????? when shes silenced because he talks over everyone then gets awkward#because she has no idea what to say when she DOES get the chance to speak of course shes going to resent him#ALSO NOT TO MENTIONT HE FACT SHES CHINESE AND WERE ARE ALL VERY VERY WHITE#SHES GOT OTHER SHIT SHE SHOULD BE IN THERAPY FOR#DO NOT MAKE IT MORE COMPLICATED FOR HER BY BRINGING ACTUAL SYMPTOMS AND HER SCHOOLING INTO THIS#My god i hate academics like the world does not end because you failed a math class. i dropped out at 16 and all the useful skills i have#i gained after the world opened up when i left and i wasnt being told no thats not on a standardized test you cant do that#im much fucking happier and frankly intelligent than the rest of my family thats wasted time on universities#and like being happy is what matter#why would you wsnt her to be āsucessfulā if she isnt also happy#like if school fucking sucks for her then why send her to a rich white private school and fucking SUMMER SCHOOL#imo thats just abuse#like the graded education system is inherently abusive anyway but its worse when its pushed on her like that#i need to move so we have room out east for her to come stay and maybe do some classes free of them#but i dont work and cant drive so i cant help her#hell i can barely take care of myself#but im just so fucking mad on her behalf and she doesnt deserve to feel this way#its happened twice in the three days shes been here#just they all need therapy but they need to fucking listen to her ans i know she wont even feel okay speaking up
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Pls donāt tell me you can see a future with me unless you absolutely mean it. Donāt tell me unless you feel that shit in your chest.
#PLEASE#i will take it and RUN w it#to me thats a greenlight to go ahead w my feelings bc like. i want that future w you and you just confirmed you could want it too#and thats the difference#you *could* want it#i already did#im all in w someone as soon as i cant stop checking my phone for you#so PLS#for the love of fucking god dont tell me that gay shit unless you mean it#dont tell me you can see it until you DO#dont tell me you want it until you crave it#AND FUCKING OH MY GOD THE NEXT TIME I TRY SAY I CAN HANDLE SOMETHING CASUAL SOMEONE PLS RUN ME OVER W UR CAR#PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY THERE IS NOTHING IN MY BONES THAT CAN HANDLE CASUAL#i can be hot and say hot things and i will fucking MEAN them#but on the other side im gonna be thinking ab laying in bed w you in my arms and holding your hands and playing w your fingers š«#i was so fucking downbad oh my god#i wanted to rub ur back when it hurt and keep you safe from the scaries. i wanted to feel safe for you š„ŗ#and like i still want that and i will be friends bc i really fucking like you and who you have shown me you are as a person#but just know if i was ever given the opportunity iād absolutely try to sweet you off your feet and give you everything you deserve and more#š„ŗš« š« #i fucking hate it#this is queued#so if you see it ignore it. i just had to get it out bc goddamn. this hurts way more than it should. and i fucking hate that ab myself#dw im actively tryna switch my mindset š¤Ŗ maybe im cured by the time this posts (i wont be)#idk if iāll ever get over you man. youāre something special#:/#mine#thoughts and rambles
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