#ohhhhhhhhh god. oh christ alive.

[readymades2002]

trying to do some financial math for if i move out and getting sick to my stomach

[razzle-zazzle]

How to Ruin a Guy's Life in Three Easy Steps

5666 Words; Prologue - Tweek Tweak Did Nothing Wrong

TW for murder mention

AO3 ver

“You might as well go jump in a dumpster, it’ll accomplish just as much!”

“Maybe I will!” Tweek shrieks back, letting go of Craig’s collar to shove at him instead. “And maybe I’ll find a—ngh—a better boyfriend in there, too!” He’s not even entirely sure what he’s saying, at this point, white-hot rage clouding his vision and words. His finger jabs mercilessly at Craig’s chest with every word, lips drawn back in a snarl that wouldn’t be out of place on a rabid dog. Tweek can’t remember how the argument even started, really, or how it got going—all he knows is that Craig is being a bitch about everything and everything is fucked. Like always!

Craig’s arms finally uncross, eyes wide and lips twitching. Were it not for the fury coursing through his veins, the unbridled rage in Craig’s expression would have given Tweek pause. Almost.

“If you think I’m trash,” Craig’s voice is soft, low, then suddenly: “WHY DON’T WE JUST BREAK UP?” His shout echoes across the cafeteria, but neither of them are paying any mind to their surroundings.

“Oh, like you wouldn’t be crawling back within the week!” They don’t usually fight like this, if at all. But talking it out wasn’t working, and one thing had led to another, and—well. Now Tweek can hardly think past the fact that he wants to strangle his idiot boyfriend.

“Wh—bold words coming from you!” Craig sputters, incredulous in the face of Tweek’s rage. It’s infuriating. It has Tweek twitching even worse, now, especially when Craig leans in close, dull green eyes like two algae-clogged pools. Is Tweek choking? He feels like he’s choking, drowning in all the too much it’s too much crashing around in his chest.

“AGH, just—FUCK OFF!” Tweek shoves Craig back. He can’t do this. Is his heart still beating? It’s too much. It’s all just too much pressure. “You don’t care, so why don’t you just leave?!”

“Maybe I will!” Craig’s already walking off, middle fingers extended. He sounds like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

“Good!” Tweek shouts back, nails digging into his palms, “And stay away!” He doesn’t feel much better.

“I will!” And then Craig’s out the door, and Tweek is left standing alone in the middle of the cafeteria, shaking and angry. He pants, slowly coming back into awareness of his surroundings. The rest of the cafeteria is quiet.

Ohhhhhhhhh god oh FUCK, what the hell did I just do—

The show’s over; one by one, the tables return to whatever they were talking about. Tweek can still feel so many eyes on him, from the underclassmen he barely knows to the cafeteria staff shamelessly watching from behind the counter. It’s too much. He wants to run—instead, he trudges over to their usual table, to the thermos he left on the table. Craig didn’t take his bag; it’s still sitting next to Tweek’s. Tweek yanks his own bag to his shoulder, away from Craig’s.

“Trouble in paradise, huh?” Clyde tries, voice wavering between sympathy and joviality, like he’s not sure if he should be making jokes about this.

“Save it.” Tweek grits out, gripping his thermos like a lifeline. He sits down; all at once, it crashes into him, and his forehead meets the table with a resounding thunk. “I can’t believe he—I—aeraughaghhhh.” Jesus fucking christ.

Jimmy and Tolkien don’t share a lunch hour with them, so it’s just Clyde and Tweek. Craig’s bag continues to occupy the empty seat at their favored little round table in the corner—no, wait, Clyde’s grabbing it. “Want me to go check on Craig?” He asks, the unspoken since you won’t stabbing directly into Tweek’s chest.

“I don’t care.” Tweek groans into his hands. “Do what you want, I’m—ckh—going home.” He can’t take this. The cafeteria is alive with conversation once again, but Tweek can still feel so many judging eyes on his back. He slings his bag over his shoulder, uncaps his thermos and takes a drink, and then heads straight for the door. He needs to not be here—his parents won’t be home, and nobody’s gonna give him shit for skipping if he’s at the coffee shop. So Tweek leaves, feeling wretched as he makes his retreat back home.

He feels eyes on his back the whole way there.

+=+=+=+=+

“I’ll take a tall caramel frappuccino with two pumps of vanilla.”

“Tall caramel frappe with two pumps vanilla.” Tweek nods, putting the order into the register. “Would you like anything else?”

The customer shakes her head. “That’ll be $6.39.” They put their card in, and Tweek grabs the cup he’ll be using. “Name?”

“Lesley with a y.” She says. “That’s L-E-S-L-E-Y.” The card reader dings.

“Right, thanks.” Tweek writes down her name and order on the cup while Lesley makes her way over to one of the tables to wait. He passes the cup off to Ron, who gets to putting it together while the next customer comes up.

It’s just after the morning rush, so not too busy, but still plenty to do. Which is just what Tweek needed, so he’s not complaining. He can’t handle school today, nor does he want to. Craig will be there, and Tweek can barely even think about him without feeling like he’s going to throw up. For all the… turbulence associated with the shop, there’s comfort in the familiar scents and sounds of the coffee and machinery—comfort that only comes from years of familiarity. Better to be annoyed by benign things like customers than to throw another shitfit at school. Probably.

The day goes by about as smoothly as it ever does in this place, order after order and customer after customer coming through for their daily or weekly fix. Ron takes his break right in the middle of the lunch rush, as usual, but it’s fine. Tweek can deal. He always does. It helps that his mother takes the register to talk to the customers.

It’s during the afternoon lull that Tweek takes the opportunity to slip into the back to grab another bag of coffee beans for the incoming after school rush. There’s an axe hanging on a peg in the back room, in case of emergencies. Tweek pays it no mind; it’s been there for years and it hasn’t seen much use. It’s really more the principle of the thing: the man who sleeps with a machete is a fool all nights but one, as the saying goes.

The day continues. The afterschool rush hits just after Ron clocks out and Tim clocks in. Tweek’s mother takes the register, and even Richard comes out of the office to keep things moving; it’s all hands on deck until all the high schoolers with money to spend get their fix of pastries and trendy drinks—it’s pumpkin spice season, with gingerbread right around the corner. It’s nowhere near as bad as the morning rush, but so many of his peers show up that Tweek has to fight the urge to go hide in the back.

Craig doesn’t show—not that Tweek expected him to. Maybe some part of him had hoped, but—no. Craig’s stubborn. And Tweek doesn’t want to see him right now anyway—he doesn’t have the wherewithal to clean up whatever complicated snarl of emotions he’ll vomit out the next time he sees that asshole.

Things wind down. Richard goes to the drive through. Tweek’s mother steps out to attend her weekly book club meeting. Tim goes on break, and Tweek grabs a rag to wipe down the counter with. At this hour, the shop is a ghost town.

…or maybe not. A customer comes in, coming to a stop in front of the register, sneaker tap-tap-tapping on the tile. He looks to be about Tweek’s age, though Tweek can’t remember his name—do they share any classes? Tweek doesn’t think so. Though, the guy is kinda plain-looking, shaggy brown hair not that different from a hundred other guys Tweek sees at school.

“Hi, welcome to Tweak Bros’ Coffee!” Tweek greets, setting the rag down to take his place behind the register. He flashes the best smile he can manage—ah, he must still be off from the whole thing, because now the customer’s frowning. “What can I get for you today?”

“A white caramel mocha.” He says, eyes fixed on Tweek. Tweek goes to input the order—

“And what size will that be?” He keeps his eyes on the screen. Something about the guy’s stare is unnerving him.

“I dunno, a medium?” The guy shrugs, scuffing his shoe on the floor.

Tweek inputs the order. “Will that be all for you today?” A nervous grin crawls onto his face. Is his face twitching? It better not be.

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” The guy shoves a twenty at Tweek’s chest, and Tweek pops open the register to give the guy his change.

“Name?” Tweek asks, grabbing a cup and marker.

The guy glares harder. Tweek’s eye is definitely twitching. What is wrong with this guy? Whatever bad day he’s having, Tweek did not ask to bear the brunt of it!

“Adam.” He sneers, then continues to stand there.

“Okay, thanks.” Tweek gets to work. He passes the mocha over to Adam, who slouches over to one of the tables. Ha! Successful interaction! Tweek grabs the rag to get back to wiping down the counter—

Adam’s cup slams against the counter. He’s leaning forwards, mouth pulled back in a sneer as he stares Tweek down. “This isn’t white.”

Um… what? “You ordered a medium caramel mocha?” Tweek’s pretty sure he made it right—and the order’s still on the register, so Tweek at least knows what Adam paid for. “Do you want me to remake it?” The last time Tweek made a drink wrong was two years ago—he’d been panicking over upcoming finals, and Richard had had to send him to break to calm down. Maybe the fight with Craig had affected Tweek worse that he thought—but he’d been doing so well today—

“No, see, that’s—” Adam gestures, “There’s coffee in it. I wanted white.”

Tweek flounders. As patiently as he can manage, he explains, “Mochas come with—tch—espresso.” Shit, no, he’s ticcing, now Adam’s gonna think he’s some kind of freak—

Adam crosses his arms. “Well, I don’t want any fancy espresso. I want white.”

Then why did you order a mocha?!

No, no, Tweek can do this. “That’s just a hot chocolate.” He points out, totally not twisting the rag in his hands. “Look, man, do you want me to refund the mocha and charge you a hot chocolate instead? It’ll be cheaper.” He’s pretty sure he’s never seen Adam here before, so chances are the guy just didn’t know. Yeah. Tweek can be civil, he’s great at civil! The best!

“I’m not asking for a hot chocolate.” Adam smacks his hand against the counter. “I want a white caramel mocha.”

“With no espresso?” Tweek asks, just to clarify. “And you don’t want to be charged for a hot chocolate?” It’s cheaper!

“Ugh, just get me a manager.” Adam grouses. “You clearly don’t know what you’re doing.”

“Sure!” Tweek’s going to burst. He’s going to burst into a nervous explosion and they’ll be cleaning up bits of him for days. First the fight with Craig, and now this? What does the world have against him all of a sudden?! Would it kill the universe to be nice for once?

Richard’s already come over, curious about the commotion. At Adam’s demand, he steps forwards, smoothly laying down reassurances and platitudes while Tweek slips into the back.

“Bad customer?” Tim asks, looking up from his phone just long enough to acknowledge Tweek’s presence.

“HnnnnnnhrnnrghrghnghnnghraaAAAAAGHHHHH.” Is all Tweek can manage in response. His whole body feels alight, his chest twisting in on itself. His hands drift to his hair; he starts tugging the straps of his apron instead. The worst part is that that’s not even the worst customer interaction he’s had! And he’ll probably have even worse in the future! So why now is he struggling not to fall apart between bags of coffee beans?

If anything else goes wrong today—Tweek doesn’t know what he’ll do. Something drastic, he’s sure. A part of him wants to grab the axe, like always—and just like always, the rest of him knows it wouldn’t be worth it. The mess alone would give him fits, not to mention the hit the shop would take to its reputation, and the trouble Tweek would be in, and he’d have hurt someone who really didn’t deserve it over something so small and stupid and he would never be able to live with that—

So yeah. Tweek ignores the part of him crooning to just burn the whole place down and keeps tugging at his apron. It’s like Craig always says: they’re just thoughts, honey, they can’t hurt you if you don’t let them.

At the thought of Craig, Tweek frowns. Maybe he was too mean during their argument, too willing to let his emotions run him over. Maybe he should apologize, now that he’s cooled off.

Tweek scowls. Or maybe Craig should stop being such a shithead. Because, actually, Tweek hasn’t cooled off, and he doubts Craig has, either. Just because Craig can look up good advice for Tweek doesn’t mean he knows everything, self-righteous prick—

“Ah, go on home, son.” Richard says, hand landing on Tweek’s shoulder despite the innumerous times Tweek’s told him not to do that. “You’re no use to anyone like this.”

Tweek jerks, stepping away from Richard’s hand. “But the shop—”

“I’ve got it.” Richard says. “Helen will be back from her book club. We’ll handle closing up.”

Tweek twitches, suspicion skittering around in his stomach. “What’s with the—ngh—sudden generosity?” If it was coming from his mother, he could understand—but Richard? Something’s definitely up. It’s only 5:45; Richard never sends Tweek home this early.

Richard shrugs. “You’re no use if you’re just going to keep spazzing out like this.” He waves his hand dismissively, but there’s something in his eyes—excitement? Tweek can’t tell. “So until you’ve resolved,” he gestures loosely at Tweek, “this, you’re off the schedule.”

“Off the—!” Okay, there’s definitely an ulterior motive to this. Tweek has never been barred from working at—wait.

Oh. Oh. Tweek groans, tugging at his apron. “Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Of course. His nametag is a fucking gay pride pin—that he didn’t ask for—so what else does he expect? There might be something well-meaning hidden under all of Richard’s calculation, but it all boils down to marketability in the end. Can’t get all jazzed about having a gay son if that son doesn’t have a boyfriend! Tweek tugs the apron off with more force than necessary, tossing it vaguely towards the employee cubbies. Whatever. Richard can clean it up, since he’s so insistent on closing.

Tweek passes by Adam on the way out; the guy’s seated in a booth with a donut and—yep, that’s a caramel hot chocolate. Tweek’s eyes roll; at least he won’t have to deal with that anymore.

The sun’s already set by now; of course, in a place like South Park, sunset always comes early—especially at this time of year. Most of the way home is cast into shadow, lit only by sparse streetlamps, but it’s barely a two minute walk—Tweek makes it home with minimal fuss, keys between his knuckles just in case.

There’s nobody else home when Tweek steps inside, locking the door behind him. Not that he expected there to be anyone. His relationship with his parents is… complicated doesn’t even begin to cover it. He knows Richard wants him to take over the shop, and he knows that that’s never gonna happen. He just has to make it to graduation—less than six months away. He can do it.

But man, it sure doesn’t feel like it right now.

+=+=+=+=+

There’s an essay due tomorrow.

There’s an essay due tomorrow on the economic impact of the civil war and Tweek completely forgot—

Well. There’s only one solution. Tweek cracks open the minifridge by his desk he bought sophomore year and grabs the first red bull he can reach. The coffee pot downstairs is full, of course, but Tweek can’t afford to waste time going back and forth up and down the stairs. He needs to get this done, and get it done tonight. He needs to lock in.

His phone buzzes. Tweek glances at it, sees the notification atop the screen—nope. He’s not in the mood. Glowering, Tweek tosses the phone onto his bed, and goes back to pouring through the internet for good sources. Another empty red bull joins the growing pile on his desk; he keeps his fridge well-stocked for exactly this reason.

He measures his productivity in the growing number of energy drinks scattered across his desk rather than in hours; time loses all meaning past ten, anyway. It’s on the seventh and a half that Tweek has something he might be able to call halfway decent—what time is it. Shit, where the fuck did he put his clock—wait, there’s a clock on his computer. Tweek squints blearily at the numbers… 3:31 AM? Wait, but that means—

A soft tune slowly comes into Tweek’s awareness. A soft and familiar tune.

“…Time to go to work, work all night! Search for underpants, yay! We won’t stop until we have—”

“No no nonono no!” Tweek’s chair wobbles precariously as he spins around, eyes tracking across the room—there! “Stop that! Stop that right now!” Fucking gnomes! How did they even get in? Tweek blocked all the mouse holes!

The gnomes slowly grind to a halt under Tweek’s glare, underwear in hand. They stare up at him from their little tower by the dresser, though Tweek can’t read their tiny expressions from across the room.

Tweek glares harder. “I’m not—ngh—in the mood!” He brandishes the first thing he grabs—a notebook—in their general direction, shaking it as though he might swat them with it. “Drop it!” Just leave him alone!

“Up yours!” One of the gnomes declares. With a cry, Tweek tumbles out of his chair in what might be called a lunge by someone far more generous, notebook swinging wildly in an attempt to swat that stupid little tower—

The gnomes scatter, underwear briefly forgotten on the floor. Tweek manages to smack one of them, sending it flying into the wall while the others scatter.

“GAH! Why do you always—ack!—have to torment ME?!” He needs them out, out, out of his room! Away from his underwear! He only has so much! How’s he supposed to escape this town if he has to keep spending his money on more fucking underwear!

Most of the gnomes have already hoofed it out the door, and Tweek sweeps his notebook in an effort to force the rest of them out. He grabs the abandoned underpants so that they can’t, and stands in the center of his room once they’re gone, panting.

Fuuuuuuck. Tweek whines. Why is everything in his life going to shit all of a sudden? Craig would probably say something about the late hour messing with Tweek’s head—but Craig’s not here right now, and Tweek doesn’t want to see him!

“Hey, you!” A tiny voice snaps Tweek out of his breakdown. Shit, one of them hid under his bed! Tweek squats down, notebook ready to swat the offender in the direction of the door. It’s the warlock, so he’ll probably live if Tweek scores a direct hit.

A wave of the warlock’s hand, a splash of glittering dust right in Tweek’s face—

.

.

.

+=+=+=+=+

.

.

.

Tweek wakes up to the beeping of his alarm. His eyes blink open slowly, head pounding—wait.

Since when has he woken up to his alarm instead of before it? And he’s not even in his bed, instead lying awkwardly on the floor—which, ow, his neck—

What happened?

Tweek groans, slowly pushing himself up. He’s still in yesterday’s clothes, too. What—

All at once, recollection hits him like a truck. “GoddAMMIT.” Since when did the gnomes put people to sleep instead of just shrinking them?! At least Tweek would be able to get a week’s worth of gnome dust out of the warlock if they had just shrunken him. But here he is, sore and tired and gross because he passed out on his fucking floor. “Nhnnnngh.” Christ.

Tweek peels himself up off the floor, reaching for his alarm to shut it off. He doesn’t want to go back to school today, but he’s not allowed to go skulk at the shop for the time being. And it’s not like he can sleep in, either—now that he’s actually awake, Tweek knows he’s not getting back to sleep. Nor does he want to. Goddamn gnomes.

Wait. Tweek nearly yanks out his dresser’s top drawer, and—no! His underwear! Tweek’s forehead thuds against the dresser. “I hate.” Thud. “This stupid.” Thud. “Town!” He wouldn’t be dealing with this shit if he lived anywhere else—even North Park has way less bullshit than Tweek sees daily here.

His phone starts to ring from where it’s still on the bed. Tweek glares at it, not in the mood for whatever asshole has decided to bother him n—oh wait that’s Laura’s number. Tweek likes Laura—she’s like a second mother, but way more… sincere. Yeah, that’s the word Tweek’s looking for. Craig doesn’t know how good he has it when it comes to parents.

Tweek answers the call, holding the phone against his ear as he sits down by his bed. “Laura?”

“Can you and Craig stop by before school? His backpack’s still here, and I packed lunches for the both of you.” Laura says, straight and to the point. Already, Tweek’s relaxing to the familiar cadence of her voice—wait.

“Why would I tell Craig anything?” Tweek asks, staring blearily at the floor. “We’re not—ngh—we’re not talking right now.” He hasn’t even seen Craig since their fight—nor does he want to see him. Not at all. Nope.

“But I thought…” Laura’s voice trails off—okay, that’s weird. Then, “Didn’t he spend the night?”

Okay, something’s up. “nnnNo.” Tweek sits up, stomach already churning, “I haven’t seen him since our fight! I’m still—ack—so mad at him!” He really is. It’s hard not to be, when Craig can so effortlessly slide under his skin and curl up around his heart like he belongs there. It riles Tweek up to no end, and has for years. But it’s that same grasp on his heart that always gets Tweek coming back around for more, gripping onto Craig with just as much intensity. He loves him, he really does—just… fuck, he’s still angry.

“He left to go make things up with you.” Laura explains, and Tweek’s chest twists in tandem with his stomach. He doesn’t doubt it took some coaxing from Laura—a lot of coaxing from Laura—but this is Craig, so it would have been sincere nonetheless. “When he didn’t come back we all figured he must be spending the night.” Tweek wants to hate how plausible that sounds, but—if Craig showed up to apologize, they probably would have spent last night gaming, shittalking, slotting back into their normal with minimal fuss. In the same way that Craig riles him up like nobody else, few things can calm Tweek down as fast as Craig can. At least part of him wants to keep avoiding Craig just to avoid the inevitable reconciliation—he’s just not ready.

An itch Tweek will never be able to reach crawls down his spine. “Well, he never showed.” Shit, fuck, goddammit, this isn’t good. At all. This is so not good. “And he never came home?” Tweek won’t be able to stomach breakfast or lunch, at this rate.

“No, he didn’t.” Laura’s voice is taut, her words stabbing directly into Tweek’s chest. The call ends. Tweek’s hand slowly falls, phone slipping onto the floor.

Craig never made it home.

Craig never made it here.

Craig is missing—

“Oh god.” Tweek pitches forwards, grasping at his pant legs, nails digging into the denim. “Oh, jesus christ.” What if Craig never turns up? What if something really horrible happened?

And the last thing Tweek said to him was to fuck off—

“Nnnno no no nonono nghhaAAGH!” This is bad. This is so stupidly bad. Tweek’s feet kick against the ground, the back of his head smacking into the bed. One of his hands makes its way to his hair, tugging sharply, while the other grasps at his shirt. Fuck, fuck, fuck, this isn’t good this is bad this is so bad what if something happened something definitely happened Tweek’s sure of it and the last thing he ever said to Craig was that he didn’t care but he does care he’s sorry he’s sorry oh god oh jesus oh fuck fuck fuck—

“Tweek.” And there’s his mother, holding his shoulders tight enough to hurt, staring him down until he starts to come back down to earth.

“Tweek, it’s time for school.” She squeezes his shoulders, then pries his hand away from his hair. “Go take a shower, sweetie.” With that, she withdraws, walking away as though everything’s normal. Tweek exhales shakily, standing on unsteady legs.

“Ack! Craig is missing.” He blurts out, and his mother stops in the doorway.

“Is that why he never showed?” She frowns. “Well, I hope he turns up soon. He’s such a nice boy.” And then she’s gone, down the hall before Tweek can even begin to formulate a response.

Tweek tosses his head back and groans. A moment longer, and then he’s standing up. He does need that shower…

“Ack!” Shit, his essay!

+=+=+=+=+

Tweek can’t do this.

He’s standing in front of the school, backpack slung over his shoulder, thermos in hand. By some miracle, he’s arrived five minutes before first period is due to start, freshly showered and dressed, essay printed out in his backpack. There’s a few other people milling about outside the building, or slowly making their way in—and here Tweek stands, rooted in place with every stare he feels.

He can’t do this. He should have just stayed home, or seen if his mother would let him work in the shop despite Richard’s ultimatum. He can’t do this, can’t walk through those halls while everyone stares at him and Craig’s not even there—

“Tweek!” And there’s Clyde’s heavy arm across Tweek’s shoulders, broad grin taking up Tweek’s peripheral. “Gah!” Tweek startles, elbowing Clyde sharply on reflex.

Clyde shrugs the action off, used to sharp elbows in his side from a childhood spent being best friends with Craig. “Glad to see you back, buddy!”

“Ack! I’ve told you to stop doing that!” Tweek shoves Clyde away, more harshly than usual. It’s unfortunately Clyde’s nature to be as obnoxious and friendly as possible, but Tweek can’t handle that right now. He’s still not sure why he even came to school—the mere thought of how many people will be in the halls is making Tweek break out in hives.

Clyde frowns. “You okay?” He moves to the side, putting himself between Tweek and the building. The sound of crutches heralds Jimmy’s arrival—Tolkien’s probably already inside, always the early bird.

“Tweek!” It only takes a moment for Jimmy to register—Tweek doesn’t even know. Is it something on his face? Something in the way he’s twitching? Whatever it is, Jimmy notices it immediately, “Whoa, who p—who pissed in your coffee?”

“Ggnnnnnnrgh.” Tweek’s shoulders hike up. He can’t do this. He turns around, intent on leaving before something even worse happens—

A hand on his arm stops him. “Still mad at Craig?” Clyde asks, and it’s so painfully sincere that Tweek wants to vomit. He can’t do this. He can’t!

“I don’t know! Maybe!” Tweek wails, glad that there’s so few people out this close to the first bell. “I just—hhhhhnnnnn—Laura called me this morning because she thought Craig—ack—was staying over but I haven’t seeeeeen him since Monday at allllllllllll—gaaAAAAAGH!” The words spill out, Tweek burying his face in his free hand. “Which means he’s—gah—missing and—”

“Hey.” And there’s Clyde up in Tweek’s personal space, sweaty hand patting Tweek’s shoulder. “Tweek, buddy, breathe. C’mon, in, out, innn, ouuut.” He’s no Craig, but there’s comfort in familiarity, and Tweek’s known Clyde for almost ten years at this point. Somehow, Tweek manages to calm down enough to think.

“You know Craig,” Jimmy points out. “He’s probably still sulking somewhere like a little b—like a little bitch.” Tweek wants to believe it. He really does. But he’s not blind to the glances Clyde and Jimmy are giving each other, and—well, if Craig were to sulk and mope, he’d do it somewhere familiar. It just doesn’t bode well at all.

“Yeah!” Clyde agrees, gently herding Tweek towards the building. “He’ll turn up.” He doesn’t sound as certain as Tweek wants him to.

They part ways at the door—Jimmy heads off to the ramp and his first period science class, Clyde has algebra, and Tweek has to hoof it to make it to AP English before the bell. Tolkien’s already there, of course, and Tweek takes his usual seat next to him.

“You’re not working today?” Tolkien asks, in the few minutes it takes the teacher to get her lesson plans in order.

“Richard said I was off the schedule.” Tweek grouses, fishing through his backpack for his notebook—fuck, he left it in his room after trying to swat gnomes with it. Goddammit. With a grumble, Tweek grabs some loose notebook paper and a pencil.

Tolkien’s eyes widen in surprise—he doesn’t get the chance to say anything, though, because class is starting. Tweek keeps his head down and tries to focus on the lesson, but his stomach is still trying to find new knots to tie itself in. Tweek drinks from his thermos frequently, doodling on his paper in an effort to keep his hands busy.

Class ends, and Tweek retreats through the hall before Tolkien can say another word. He wants to go home. He’d explode from his nerves alone if he tried—it’d be too quiet. He slips into one of the less-used bathrooms, splashing water on his face to try and calm himself down. It only helps a little. He ends up skipping second period chemistry entirely, hovering nervously in the bathroom and unintentionally scaring off the underclassmen that come in to vape.

Third period comes—home ec. Another class that Craig wouldn’t even be in; the only classes Tweek shares with Craig are after lunch; fifth period theatre and seventh period study hall. Tweek trudges into class, unable to bear just standing around in the bathroom any longer, but he can’t focus on his cross stitch project, absently twirling the thread in his hands instead.

Fourth period. Calculus. Most of his classmates are used to his twitching, but Tweek swears more people are staring at him than usual. The bell rings for lunch, and Tweek makes it two steps into the hall before wanting to turn back around and go home. He can’t do this. Why did he think he could do this?

“Yo, Tweek, c’mon!” And there’s Clyde, gently herding Tweek to the cafeteria—did he plan this? His class this time of day is nowhere near here, so he must have come all this way knowing that Tweek would be frozen in the hallway like a loser.

“I stopped by Craig’s place earlier.” Clyde says, guiding Tweek to their usual table. Craig’s seat is empty, and will probably stay that way— “And I made sure to grab this!” He sets a bag on the table—Tweek’s heart lurches. The lunch that Laura made for him. Clyde wouldn’t have known about it, so she must have told him, must have given it to him to give to Tweek even though her actual son is missing and it’s probably Tweek’s fault somehow—

Clyde sits down right next to Tweek, blocking his attempt to run for the bathroom. “Hey, it’s all gonna be okay, okay?” He nudges Tweek, then pulls out his own lunch. “We’re just gonna sit here and have a totally normal lunch.”

Tweek grips his thermos. He hasn’t had breakfast—and he doubts he’ll be able to stomach lunch, either. He can already hear Kyle screaming at Cartman across the cafeteria; though that’s normal, and Tweek quickly drowns out the sound. The feeling of eyes on his back feels much more pressing—but when he looks, he can’t see anyone looking at him.

Clyde nudges him. “C’mon man, you gotta eat something.” He urges. Tweek grumbles, picking up his sandwich—toasted peanut butter and jelly with the crusts cut off, fuck Tweek is definitely going to start crying—but doesn’t take a bite.

Clyde’s mouth opens to say something, probably another admonishment—

The cafeteria has gone quiet. Clyde’s eyes widen, and he leans to look around Tweek at the doors. Tweek turns around to look—oh, cops.

Wait. Cops?! Did Cartman do something stupid again?! No, wait, Cartman almost never gets in trouble like that these days. Did someone finally get sick of all the bathroom vaping—no, the cops never bother with that shi—why are they coming this way. What the fuck?

“Tweek Tweak.” There’s two officers, and they march right over to where Tweek and Clyde are sitting. Tweek barely has a moment to consider running for it—a stupid idea—before his head is suddenly slammed against the table, his hands wrenched behind his body.

“Gah—what?!” Oh god, did they find out about the meth? Are his parents being arrested right now? Oh jesus christ, this is it, isn’t it? Even though Tweek never had anything to do with that part of the family business, he’s guilty by association and now his life is over—

“Whoa whoa whoa!” Clyde’s standing, hands on the table as he leans forwards. “The fuck are you doing? Tweek did nothing wrong!”

“Stand aside.” The second officer intones, as cold metal pinches Tweek’s wrists. What the fuck is going on? Clyde’s shouting, phones are out and flashing—

“Tweek Tweak, you are hereby under arrest for the murder of Craig Tucker.”

[xxgothchatonxx]

It’s 1am & you know what that means! Hanni time! This is the end. Of the second.

Mizumono:

* BELLA IN THE PREVIOUSLY ON! IS MY WIFE RETURNING??

* Stellar penmanship, Hanni!

* The way Jack said that, he KNOWS something is gonna happen! OH RIGHT THIS IS WHEN WE FIND OUT THE FIGHT!

* Will sounds so tense. Hannibal seems so powerful.

* Who’s side are you ON, William??

* TH CLOCK TICKING!!! UGHHHHHH NO

* OH THAT SPLIT SCREEN OH & WILL’S SPLIT SCREEN!!! OHHHHHH

* WHATEVER THAT PURRING NOISE IS, MAKE IT STOP!

* Oh my god, GJH is back! Something wicked this way comes if he’s back!

* BELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

* (Loving the wallpaper in their bedroom)

* “Between deaths”?? LOVE THAT!

* YOU MOVED MY PUNCTUATION MARK🤣

* “Will you save him[Jack] for me, when I’m gone?” HE WILL NOT, BELLA BABE & I’M SO SORRY!

* Oh, this is Freddie covered in blood episode! (I noticed the collar)

* No one knows if they’re going to survive Hannibal, Freddie!!!

* LMAO I’M THINKING OF THE GATSBY GIF THROWING CLOTHES ALONG SIDE GIFS OF HANNI THROWING PAPERS TO WILL!

* No wonder he flees to Europe, he’s leaving his past behind. The Baltimore edition, that is.

* Pausing because Hannibal is describing his psyche as a vast, giant palace with shots of fire & a single skull. Filled to the brim with death, & cold even in the flames. Will’s is a stream. Constant, ebbing & flowing & teeming with life! It’s comforting. They’re so vastly different but also SO alike.

* I love the score for this episode! The little constant clicking is great!

* YEAH, BLOOD COVERED FREDDIE SHOT!

* Uh noooo, Hanni “Bloodhound” Lecter knows Freddie’s alive!

* ALANA!! IN BLACK SILK! ASLEEP & SPINNING! Just vast, dark & empty.

* DROWNING IN DARKNESS!!!!

* You can’t, Alana! That’s the POINT!

* This episode is so dramatic & I’m only 15 mins in.

* OHHHHHHHHH “LAMB”

* & dinner with the boyfriend!

* Will avoiding the answer of Jack’s death is *chef’s kiss* because he’s like “yeah, he’ll die but neither of us know HOW, so don’t fuck with god, babe”

* Hanni: LET’S RUNAWAY TOGETHER!🥰

* Will: *sips wine & rolls eyes*

* Jack NEVER offers forgiveness!

* “To the truth, then. And all it’s consequences .”🍷✨🍷 *sensible chuckle*

* Oh fuck, I forgot Cynthia Nixon was in this fucking show

* DON’T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT BELLA, LADY!!!

* Jack is gonna do some illegal, I Wanna Feel Young Again Fight soon, isn’t he?

* TELL HER, ALANA!!!!

* Sorry babe, can’t talk, gotta Resort arrest!

* AHHHHH THE FIGHTTTT BITCH, LET’S GOOOOOOOOO!

* HOW DARE YOU CUT TO COMMERCIAL TO THAT SHITTY MURDER MYSTERY SEQUEL!!!

* LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

* KNIFE REFLECTIONNNNNNNS

* Ngl, laughing a bit. Mainly at the slow-mo at the start. Love that jump, Mads!

* ALANA, HURRY THE FUCK UP! BUT YOUR BLACKBERRY AWAY & GET IN THERE!

* FUCK I FORGOT ABOUT THE GLASS!!!!

* Yes, you were!

* “In your defense, I worked very hard to blind you.“ CHRIST, HANNIBAL!

* GET AWAY FROM HER!!!!!!!!

* You have a visito HOLY FUCK, ABIGAIL!

* HOLY. FUCK. ABIGAIL!

* No wonder Alana becomes all morally Grey & wears sexy suits & red lips in the third season. SHE NEARLY DIED!

* THAT IS SO MUCH BLOOD, JACK!

* Open the fucking pantry & SAVE JACK! Talk to your adoptive daughter after!

* HE’S CRYING!!!

* WE COULDNT LEAVE WOTHOUT YOU💔💔💔

* BITCH, THEY’RE SO IN LOVE WHAT TH YOU STAB HIM!!!!!

* “I wanted to surprised you.” With what, DEATH??

* NO NOONNONNO NOONJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCK YOU, MYST! FUCK YOU!!!!!

* & now he’s fucking euphoric in the rain AS HIS LOVERS RESIST DEATH AROUND HIM!!!!

* OH MY GOD NOT BELLA!!!!

* WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING??

* OH MY GOD THE WINDIGO IS DYING!!!!

* &&&&&&&& FLORENCE TIME WITH THE WIFE RUSE!!!

* I hate you so much.

* But I’m so exciting to finally have Florence! How he was able to get her is what I would like to know!

* Once again, FUCK YOU, MYST!

See? Told you you were gonna hate me for this 😂

But I think this is a pretty accurate representation of what most first-viewing experiences of Mizumono is, right Fannibals?

So, I think this episode is considered to be the best (critically) and... yeah I tend to agree with that. I mean, holy fucking shit, talk about a season finale! Can you imagine if the show had been cancelled after this?! Like one of those stupid "yeah, we've let you have a cliffhanger season finale but you're not getting another season" studio decisions? *glares at Witches of East End*

Also did you watch the post-credits scene? It’s a nice little reprieve from the hell Bryan Fuller and co. put us through in the episode 😂

Okay, I promise you're going to enjoy the season 3 premiere a lot more because it is a Bedelia-centric episode. And yes we're finally going to Florence, darling!

[analyzingadventure]

I’M 5 EPISODES BEHIND ON PSI, I CAN ONLY WATCH 4 BECAUSE THE NEWEST ONE ISN’T AVAILABLE YET AND IT’S KILLING ME BECAUSE I SAW AN OUT-OF-CONTEXT MEME ABOUT IT AND IT HAD SOME IMPLICATIONS ABOUT IT

ANYWAYS, LET’S CATCH UP ON PSI, EPISODES 20-23, LET’S GO

Okay let’s save that widdle baby from that test tube

HOLY SHIT PSI’S VELGRMON IS HUGE

THAT IS A BIG FUCKING BIRB

That is a weird way for Devimon to ask Velgrmon to fetch Takeru considdering he was technically already captured by Devimon but okay I guess

MEGADRAMON!!! YEAH

Leomon please don’t die

Ah, they are acknowledging that the kids were missing for three days during a horrifying black-out, I was worried they wouldn’t like, acknowledge that at all

Koushirou’s hesistant to talk about his parents... Oh baby... ;_;

TENTOMON!! How’re you messaging to the kids?? IS GENNAI THERE TO HELP?? Or are you just in the Network messing with stuff?? Probably?

Oh, great, Algomon still isn’t fucking dead. HOW MANY TIMES DO WE NEED TO KILL THIS FUCKER

Is that squid thing Calmaramon? It looks like Calmaramon??

oH MY GOD it took me a moment to realize what was happening but WEREGARURUMON HITCHING A RIDE ON THE GIGA DESTROYER MISSILE WAS HILARIOUS OMG HE’S USING IT LIKE A SKATEBOARD LMFAO

YEAH YAMATO, SAVE YOUR BABY BRO!!!

TAKERUUU!! SASUKEEEE wait

ANGEMON!!!! BABY!!! WHERE ARE YOU ANGEMON?!?!

Megumin Han.... I’m so happy to hear your voice ;___;

A beautiful reunion

Takeru seems to be taking... [/points at the DW and the Digimon] everything really well

Jesus Velgrmon is stronk

NOOO THEY JUST SAVED TAKERU, FUCK

ANGEMON WAKE UP!!! WAKE UP!!!! WE NEED YOU!!!

OHHHHH TAKERU IS ANGERY no talk to him he angy

YEAH ANGEMON, FLY LIKE THE FUCKING WIND

God I love WereGarurumon’s nail polish, it looks fantastic yo

ANGEMON!!!!! Feather symbolism yeee

Is Angemon gonna spend all his powers to kill Velgrmon and die instantly? That’d be hilarious

Awe, no Giga Destroyer? Just Giga Storm? D’aww

HE IS GONNA DIE, ISN’T HE

ENJOY YOUR TRAUMA TAKERU LMFAO

oh mY GOD SKULL KNIGHTMON CAME IN AND STOLE IT TOO, YOU FUCKER LMAO

EPISODE 21, LET’S GO

Yamato I’m sure you could explain a few things to Takeru while you’re just chasing Skull Knightmon

Ah Devimon, your arms are as long as always, how wonderful

Ah, more Xros Wars rep! Splashmon! :D

TAKERU WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING

YOU JUST GOT HERE LITTLE CHILD, DON’T JUST JUMP INTO THE HOLE HEAD FIRST, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE DOING

Oh wow Devimon had prepared an Evil Incubator for Angemon’s Digiegg, how fast and nice

Poor baby is gonna get super corrupted, eh?

IT’S SO NICE... TO SEE THESE FAMILY MEMBERS OF THE KIDS, LOOKING SAME AS ALWAYS AND STUFF

Oh wow did Koushirou just hack the Digivices, WOW

IT IS CALAMARAMON! I KNEW IT, FUCK, I am so enjoying the Frontier/Xros Wars rep rn, thanks Toei, I wub you

Is that another nuke? Are they launching another nuke? No? Just a massive crash at a dock?

I was just gonna complain about Psi having a serious case of Takuya & Kouji Show-syndrome but if Sora and co get to deal with the threat in the Network while Taichi and Yamato are rescuing Angemon’s egg, I’ll be okay with it

Takeru, your Powers of Adorable will not save the world, I’m sorry, you’re just gonna get yourself killed and/or kill Yamato a third heart attack, PLEASE GO BACK

Holy shit METALGREYON NOOOOOOO DON’T HURT HIM LIKE NOOOOOOOO MY BABY ;A;

THAT IS A BIG EYE WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

A Digimon that was sealed away by Devimon or something? IDK it’s kinda scawy

METALGREYMON NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

TAICHI PLEASE SAVE HIM ;_; YAMATO GO HELP HIM YOU WIMP

OWO WHAT'S THIS

A NEW METALGREYMON VARIANT? (Or a different Mode?)

Tbh the new cannon kida clashes with MetalGrey’s oldschool design a lil BUT IT’S FINE, IT’S COOL

Agumon deserves a nap

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

ELDORADIMON???? IS IT OH IT TOTALLY IS, RIGHT? YEAH

I love the textures on his face, the pencil strokes look really cool

EPISODE 22 WOOO

I think I’ve complained about this before but it has kinda bothered me before how the Digimon don’t have to rest or eat before entering into battle again, and like, while it’s been mostly fine up until now... Like ever since the kids entered the Fake Tokyo they have pretty much been fighting non-stop without resting or eating and like, it’s starting to get to me, their stamina to keep on fighting is a bit much and it’s just gonna keep on going until Devimon’s dead, isn’t it

How are you climbing this wall that’s this god damn steep, you are a little child HOW DO YOU HAVE THE MUSCLES FOR THIS, I’M A GROWN ASS ADULT I DON’T HAVE THE MUSCLES FOR IT

Gabumon is a sweetheart and I would die for him

Koushirou, why didn’t you have your partners evolve faster, jesus christ (like I’ll give Gomamon and Palmon a break but the other two? Jesus)

Oh that DigiEgg is getting so super corrupted, isn’t it? Oh yeah, Devimon is trying to turn Angemon into a fallen angel like him, amazing

I wish Skull Knightmon had like a personality... In fact I wish all of the enemies had personalities beyond Devimon being ominous and Orgemon dumb with lots of honor

Jyou is gonna get in such great shape from running up those stairs- he ain’t skipping Leg Day, not today

Skull Knightmon is so cool I wish he had more of a personality ;_; I wanna root for him but beyond doing cool shit he has nothing going for him

Ah, the upgrade to MetalGrey wasn’t permanent, just a temporary buff from the power of Courage

DARK KNIGHTMON! YEAAAH

I hope Eldoradimon is okay with all this chaos happening inside him; like I hope he doesn’t get an upset stomach from this

THE BABY TOLD YOU TO MOVE, SO MOVE, KNIGHTMON!

Poor Calamaramon died without ever getting a personality ;_;

How the fuck is this infact making these gigantic leaps over great distances

God Takeru you are so cute, you widdle baby you

Oh man the hightech wings really don’t fit with the punk look of WereGarurumon at all

Welp the DigiEgg got dipped in the miasma like an egg in soy sauce, Press F for Patamon, say “hi” to Tsukaimon

Oooo the egg is exploding! :D

Oh, the egg... I mean it didn’t explode but it destroy the fortress

POYOMON! :D

Devimon, are ya gonna finally show up in person

YEAHHHHHHH DEVIMON!!!! YOU LOOK SO PRETTY I MISSED YOU YOU EDGY GOTH BASTARD

OOOO DEVIMON AND ANGEMON GO BACK? THEY HAVE A HISTORY? Well this is a ship I’m into, let’s go

EPISODE 23!

DEVIMON AND ANGEMON USED TO BE FRIIIIIENDS ohhhhhhhhh I wanna know more about their history THIS IS A JUICY SHIP RIGHT HERE

Ohhh he is so OP, I love that, thanks

How’d MetalGrey and WereGaruru get the message to use the rubble as cover? Not that it worked really

Devimon can use finger beams, lovely

Sora and co should really evolve to Perfect, like they should’ve evolved earlier to begin with

OH SHIT, WE GOT EVOLUTION ALREADY! I mean it’s only Tokomon, which ain’t that useful rn, but okay

Oh Devimon just gave Tokomon this angry-ex look oh my god

I wonder if Devimon’s plan was to like, bypass the need to use humans directly to evolve, instead using the data from humans to forcibly bring forth evolution

NeoDevimon isn’t as cool and sexy as vanilla Devimon, F

Honestly I’m kinda sad he evolve to begin with because Devimon was already super OP, like he didn’t evolve because he was losing, he evolve because his ex made him angry (although I mean I guess that is funny)

Oh WereGarurumon can just do the wing thing at will? Seems OP but okay

Ah, but I know Devimon isn’t dead yet... Saw the new Digimon Bandai shared on Twitter, the new Devimon form that is VERY SEXY (IDK if this needs to be stated but I do say “sexy” here ironically)

OH, Dark Knightmon, you’re still alive? You gonna take lead from now on?

Ohohohohohoh let’s go, gimme that new Devimon

OH MAN, IT WASN’T THIS EPISODE? HE’S SHOWING UP IN THE NEXT EPISODE? Boo, now I gotta wait :(

So I saw some memes on Twitter (along with the art of the new Digi), them including Taichi dying, dark evolution, a clip from the Adventure dub finale where Agumon’s like “next time I’ll evolve into one of the Dark Masters” so like

NEXT EPISODE IS GONNA FUN, also I’m kinda unsure if I wanna watch the preview or not... Like I already know so much out-of-context so I’m afraid if the preview is gonna tell me even more to a point it gets too much, or if it should be fine...

No, I have no chill, Psi has been teasing Mugendramon to me this whole god damn time, I NEED TO KNOW IF WE GET MUGENDRAMON LIKE THE MEMES PROPHESIZED, I NEED TO KNOW

PREVIEW!

LMAO IT REALLY DOES JUST START WITH “TAICHI DIES” JKSDFHKJSDFGJSFDGHJ

OH MAN WE ARE GONNA GET MUGENDRAMON AREN’T WE

I’M SO EXCITED

ALSO DOWNDEVIMON OHOHOHHOHOHO

NEXT EPISODE IS GONNA BE GOOOD I can’t wait

[tsuki-sennin]

*Screaming as I fall slowly out of the sky, getting progressively louder until I reach ground.*

Yep, we're back! So, good news, I finally got a new computer~! That means I'm still alive and free to do whatever I'd like! ...within reason, of course. So, episode 30! The big 3-0! So, what's happening in Revice Land today?

Spoilers, I guess... (Also I talk the elephant in the room named Subaru Kimura very briefly, so... I figured I should tell you first before I get back the the "funny".)

-Hahaha, Igarashi sauuuuucer~~!

-Ngl, I kinda forgot that Ikki used to kick balls.

-...well, not like that, but I guess I'm still technically right!

-I used to be in a soccer club myself when I was a young kid. I ended up leaving after my first season because I would get so exhausted and I felt offended getting what was basically a participation trophy. Shame, the coaches were very nice and patient with me, and it's possible I could've made it to the World Cup if I stuck with it. Orange Speedsters for life, yo.

-Ohhhh, that is German-Japanese voice actor Subaru "Kimura" Samuel Bartsch, a very talented guy known for his work on various anime such as Doraemon, Jujutsu Kaisen, and Assassination Classroom, as well as a few minor special guest roles as some Super Sentai monsters. He even dubs over Idris Elba in the new Sonic movie's Japanese release!

-Now, I'm very ill-equipped to discuss his scandal. It happened, it was a very offensive caricature of an African man, people were understandably condemning his actions, and as far as I saw, that was that. I haven't seen anybody talk about this in well over six months despite browsing social media a lot, so I assumed we've all moved on from it and Subaru's career is just fine. I will, however, say that while I do not condone or approve of it, and he almost certainly should be in bigger trouble than he is, it's hardly the worst or most offensive/racist thing I've ever seen a celebrity do/admit to/be accused of. ...in 2021 alone. How about we move on, eh? I don't want my inbox getting flooded.

-Wooooooo, Soccer Man!

-Oh you would think that, huh Vice?

-Yep, a Kamen Rider~!

-Jiiiiiiiiiko! ...aw dammit, now I want a Chick-o-Stick. Thanks a lot, Kimura.

-Oh, another voice actor~!

-Yeah, soccer's a big "ride or die" sport. You either obsess over it all your life or you move on to something else.

-Jesus Christ man, chill.

-Ohhhhhhhhh, yep! He's a contractor!

-Yep, Gifu-sama is a proper demon god.

-Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that's not good!

-Oh cool, he's recording! ...shhhhhh, Ikki! Shaddap~!

-"Later today". ...is Ikki recording a number one booty jam?

-Oh, he's appearing on a radio show. Yeah, I guess he'd be a good fit.

-Magenta ja nai! Pinku da!

-...I wonder, does Vice sound like that in-universe because Ikki looked up to Kimura?

-Where'd Subaru go?

-Uhhh, you okay man?

-Ahhh, Phase 1! This should be a cakewalk!

-Stench... is that a Rafflesia Deadman?!

-I mean, his petals are massive and he's big stinky...

-OH GOD HE PUKED ON SCREEN

-Jesus Christ, it farts too.

-...oh, God, remember the hand-off from Saber? And how Vice never did that again for the entire series?

-We're cycling through all the best forms today, huh~?

-First Lion, Kamakiri, then Mammoth? You're spoiling us today~!

-Hero Boy do a good job!

-Ohhhhhh, damn gurl! You killin' it in that uniform!

-Dad Squad.

-We're not the CIA, Sakura. We can't just go up to an evil dictator we don't like and replace him with an evil dictator we do like!

-Wow, Akaishi must be like... old old. Like, Taisho old.

-Ahhhh, another sibling. ...or perhaps he's an uncle?

-Hikaru-kun, I know she's like the coolest fucking person ever, but you gotta rein it in a little.

-Adios, Deadmans. ...given the pattern with the Deadmans' leaders, I assume that your real name is Hana Natsuki. If you truly have chosen to cut all ties with them, I'll adjust my name chart accordingly for you, Natsuki-san.

-Imagine if Kimura was the one who made the Deadman lmao

-Aww, Ikki looks like he's had a great time.

-Egoist~!

-Man Ikki, we're

-Okay, have fun in the bathtub! ...I'd prefer if we didn't cut to you in the bath, considering how handsome Vice thinks you are, but the tub is warm! And the duckies are plentiful!

-What the heeeeeeeell is happening?

-Mmmmm, coffee.

-No coffee for you, George.

-OH GOD THE COFFEE-

-I mean, Daiji wanting to stop Fenix from aiding the resurrection of an evil demon god who takes child bridal sacrifices and murders and eats people en-masse seems pretty "right" to me.

-I'm calling it right now. Akemi's evil as fuck.

-Mmmm, chocolate. ...what kinda doctor hands out chocolate and coffee though?

-Soccer? Guess Jiiko-stick ain't comin' though. It's a shame, but I guess we can't fix everything.

-KUDOU :O

-OH GOD SCREEN TEARING

-Ikki's inner struggle continues on, like a party that rages on long after all the booze has been drunken and everybody should've gone home. Miserable, but fitting for the nightclub theme of the Deadmans' old hideout.

-OHHHHHHHHHH JESUS IKKI'S GOING WILD

-Ikki-san! Smile!

-Ohhhh, Tamaki-kun!

-I see Ikki went to the Bright Noa school of wake up slaps.

-Ikki's really going through it, huh?

-SUBARU :O

-I WAS RIGHT WHAT THE FUCK?????

-I didn't think they'd actually do it! What kind of TV show made for kids to watch on a weekend has a celebrity guest as themselves enter a demonic pact? This, combined with the screen-tearing and Ikki utterly losing his shit some creepypasta material!

-WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING

-Okay, Ikki. We're in big trouble, but that'll have to wait a week. ...which is the equivalent of a potty break in Rider Time, so you'll be just fine, right? Okay, cool, I'll see you in a moment~!

[chelsorz07]

the future

Hey all...anyone wondering where the hell Chels was during the last ep, please refer to my spoiler tag post from half an hour ago. I’m still a little bitter.

Here’s hoping that Cas doesn’t do any senseless self-sacrificing tonight. HAHAHAHAHA...ha...haha

Sorry I couldn’t even type that with a straight face. Let’s roll, kiddies.

lol @ dean being so pissy with Cas not answering his phone.

You’d think that Lucifer’s baby wouldn’t really...need...prenatal vitamins.

Oh Kelly, you’re not really gonna try and pull a Hannah Baker, are you? The kid will just heal you. Did nobody watch Charmed when Piper was pregnant with Wyatt?

Nice use of May 18 as devilspawn’s due date.

Dean’s boyfriend’s back and he’s gonna be in trouble. Hey la, hey laaa, Dean’s boyfriend’s back.

Oh my god, you lash out when you’re scared. We get it.

Actual salty boyfriend Dean Winchester.

If you’d just tell him you were worried instead of being a douche, this show would be so much further along by now.

HE GAVE HIM A MIX TAPE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!

Nobody, NOBODY can tell me this isn’t a lovers’ quarrel.

“Yes, dumbass, we.”

I HAVE SO MANY DESTIEL FEELS RIGHT NOW I CAN’T, I JUST CAN’T.

Oh now she loves the kid again just because it’s keeping her alive long enough to give birth to it.

I’m gonna be really happy when this child comes out a girl when everybody just assumes it’s gonna be a boy.

SERIOUSLY? Seriously? What did you JUST talk about?

No. Fucking. Wonder. Dean has abandonment issues.

You tell her, Dagon.

Ohhhh, she wants to be devilspawn’s mommy. Plot twist.

SERIOUSLY?

CAS, what the fuck. Seriously. 

I am so mad at this angel you don’t even know.

You keep telling yourself that Castiel.

I’m using his full name because he IS in trouble. With me.

All that aside, Cas with the Colt is pretty sexy.

Aaaand you just wasted a bullet. Good jaeyorb.

You know what, I think he kidnapped her because he couldn’t kill an innocent either.

Castiel “I had a mission and I failed” Winchester.

WWCD - words to absolutely NOT live by.

Yeah he’s never gonna let you go to the bathroom again lol

Haha. Winging it. Angels.

Well I’d say you could keep him on the righteous path but you keep doing dumb shit so.

Omg. That’s what they’re gonna do. They’re gonna make him devilspawn’s daddy. I don’t know how I feel about this.

Oooooh this is arousing.

I agree, she lost her mind a long ass time ago.

OH MY GOD HE’S GONNA DRIVE THE CAR.

Well that was really fuckin’ disappointing.

Dude you are an ANGEL. Make her stop.

Jesus hecking christ you guys are dumb as shit the baby is using you.

I’m really, really mad right now.

Okay but that is NOT Joshua.

Rude.

Stop Hurting Cas 2k17

Ohhhhhhhhh shitty. This chick has mad skills.

Oh REALLY?

Whoa. Just Whoa.

He wants it. He wants the baby.

I DO NOT LIKE THIS.

Okay fuck this show. Seriously, fuck it. Abort mission. I am physically pained by this episode.

Next week: Yes, the twins ♥ And hopefully Mary finally realizes what a dickwad Ketch is.