#gay old men... starts crying

[mechawolfie]

little doodle.. they are on a date :)

[lacefuneral]

i would like. to love sometime. thanks

[wannabanauthor]

What if Tommy and Eddie discussed the breakup, and it goes from serious to funny?

So Eddie goes to Tommy's house and is like "I'm here to check on you, let's get a beer."

Tommy tries to refuse, but Eddie says, "You broke my best friend's heart, so the least you could do is explain your reasoning to me."

Tommy reluctantly goes. After a few beers, he starts rambling.

"I fucked up, and I don't know how to fix it or even if I should fix it. I was falling in love with him, and it snuck up on me. I didn't expect for it to get more serious," Tommy says. "I thought it was just going to be fun for awhile, and we'd go our separate ways."

"Your second date with him was to his sister's wedding," Eddie points out.

"Oh so sue me! It's not my fault I caved. He gave me these pleading puppy eyes, and I found myself agreeing."

Eddie rolls his eyes. "Well, if you never expected it to get serious and didn't want it to get serious, then why haven't you found your rebound yet? It's been weeks. Even Chimney and Maddie are telling Buck to start dating again."

Tommy groans into his hands and then rubs his temples. "Fucking traitors."

"Well, I know this hot priest-"

"Been there, done that," Tommy says and takes a swig of his beer.

Eddie looks at him with a bewildered look on his face. "What?"

"What?" Tommy responds with a shrug. "I was raised Catholic. Guilt about sexuality is easy to spot, but he made the first move."

"Do I even want to know how?"

"Ever had sex in a confession booth?"

Eddie's eyes are wide and horrified. "Please don't tell me-"

"It was an old booth in storage, but it was still pretty hot. Once I admitted to myself that I was gay, I had a lot of catching up to do."

Then Tommy goes quiet and gets sad again. "I'll never meet another Evan in my life. I think he's ruined me for other men."

"Don't say that. While, I prefer you two together, you can always find someone else."

Tommy snorts in disbelief. "Yeah, not gonna happen. At least when it comes to sex. His adorable face and cheery smile haunt my dreams, and his proficiency with dick makes it impossible for me to get it up even when watching porn."

"Oh no, I need more alcohol for this," Eddie says and orders some shots.

He and Tommy go through a couple of them.

Tommy's tongue gets looser. "His dick is fantastic. Perfect length, thickness, and stamina. I know my body pretty well, and let me tell you, the prostate orgasms from him were out of this world. I barely lasted five minutes before coming just from him fucking me."

Eddie is drunk enough that he's not even fazed.

"Not to mention he has this slight curve that makes him hit the spot every time, and goddamn, I miss that dick and the dork attached to it," Tommy continues. "He made me feel comfortable and safe and cherished. Being around him was effortless, mostly, and I miss him so much."

Tommy starts sniffling, and then tears roll down his cheeks. "Fuck, I don't want to cry."

Eddie puts a comforting hand on Tommy's shoulder. "Call him. He's a mess and miserable without you. He's been baking so much that the entire station's hemoglobin A1C levels are pre-diabetic. We had to force him to focus on savory cooking."

Tommy shakes his head. "He doesn't want to hear from me. I broke his heart. I'm the last person that should be contacting him."

"He does want to hear from you. He's only been baking and cooking so much to stop himself from contacting you because he wants to give you space and respect your boundaries post-breakup."

"What would I even say? That I panicked and ran? I told him he would break my heart if we moved in together. There's no coming back from that."

Eddie sighs and sets his drink down. "Listen, the first time you ended things with Buck, I told him he was an idiot but to call you anyway. Now it's your turn to be the idiot. Go get your man back. Call him. Talk to him. He'd settle for a text. Just do something! You both are suffering without each other. You don't have to move in with him. He just wants you back in his life."

More tears run down Tommy's face and it turns into full sobs. Eddie scoots closer to him and gives him a hug. Tommy clings to him, sobbing even harder.

After drinks, they stop by a taco place and sober up while eating delicious birria tacos. They go back to Tommy's place, and Eddie sleeps on the couch just to make sure Tommy is alright. Before he falls asleep, he texts Buck.

"If Tommy contacts you, go easy on him. He's an idiot too."

When Tommy wakes up the next morning, he nearly stops breathing when he sees that Evan texted him.

"I miss you." was all it said.

Tommy cradles his phone in his hands for several minutes before pressing the call button. He holds his breath until Evan answers.

"I miss you too," Tommy says.

[on-a-lucky-tide]

Nik fucks Price all tender like.

For @nekrosmos based on their beautiful art (and Anon who wanted Price crying).

cw: tender sex, fingering, anal sex, Nik is hung, brief mention of rimming.

Their first time had been in Tallinn. Nik didn't remember much of the mission, only that Estonia had been just as beautiful as he remembered it, with the old medieval cobbles and buildings of the city providing the perfect location for a few days R&R with John. On the second night, John had crowded into his hotel room, flushed with confidence after a few strong beers, and Nik had come down his throat about half an hour later, the bristles of John’s beard rough and delicious on the inside of his thighs.

Their relationship had been slowly, irresistibly, building for years. John’s aversion to vulnerability meant that every step had to be a small shuffle, every moment of tenderness or token of love delivered cautiously, like petting a feral stray as you taught it to trust. Nik liked John’s machismo, his confidence, that was as much part of him as the aching, sensitive heart hidden beneath it all. But sometimes it created frustrating obstacles in his journey to happiness.

At some point, they had become exclusive. Not through any negotiation or at a defined turning point, but almost by accident. Nik stopped partaking in the local gay haunts around the world because none of the men he found there excited him in the same way, and he noticed Grindr had been deleted from John's phone. John had all but confirmed it when he'd shoved Nik into his flat late one evening muttering about ‘gaggin’ fer it' after not seeing Nik for close to a month.

A solid blowjob and good hand game wasn't enough for Nik though. On those lonely nights away, he wrapped a slick, tight fist around his cock and imagined it was John’s arse, those strong legs would be latched around Nik's waist as he fucked him, deep and slow. The morning after one night together, Nik had climbed over John’s back an hour or so before their alarm, his girth sitting between John’s arse cheeks, grinding lazily over John’s hole as he kissed the back of his neck.

"S'not gonna fit, Nik," John growled, groggy but absolutely rock hard against the mattress. The weight of Nik's body, with his furred chest against John’s back, his thick arms bracketing John’s shoulders, made him flush with excitement.

“Perhaps not now,” Nik whispered into the back of his shoulder, biting gently at the slope up to his neck as he nestled the weight of his balls against the back of John’s. “But I want to have you John. Next time.”

"Mm, fuck," John groaned, tilting his hips up just to feel Nik rut against him. He'd only bottomed a handful of times; Nik would be a challenge for his relatively inexperienced arse, but he appeared eager to try. Nik knew he was larger than average having had plenty of occasions to compare himself to other men. But with patience and tenderness, John's body would relax enough to accommodate him.

That morning he came in the hollow of John’s back, marking his lover as his, before turning him over to start his morning with a blowjob.

It turned out John was keener than Nik had anticipated. Nik had been airborne when he received the picture of John through WhatsApp - their second chat for more private correspondence - the flared base of a dildo pressed flush to his hole, his cock drooling between his spread thighs. Nik had nearly crashed his Black Hawk into a nearby skyscraper. The message read, “about a third of your size”. Nik sent back a picture of his hard cock once he'd landed, pushing down the waistband of his boxers, his fingers squeezing at the base. “Want to ruin you,” was the response.

There were a few more pictures like that before Nik had the opportunity to get his hands on John again. It just so happened that the week before their liaison had been rough. John was tired, stressed, dark circles beneath his eyes from lack of sleep and a tight tension across his shoulders. Nik had cancelled their dinner plans in favour of cooking at home, where John could doze on his sofa with a beer while Nik cooked. Steak with hand cut chips, John's favourite.

After dinner, he had pulled John into the shower. They stood under the warm torrent of water wrapped together, Nik's hands in John’s hair as he rubbed in the shampoo. He worked down to John's beard and squeezed those round cheeks under his thumbs, his chest clenching with affection. “You are so handsome,” Nik murmured, kissing John's nose when it wrinkled in disagreement.

“Bloody ‘aggard.”

“Pssh, nyet,” Nik huffed dismissively, placing a kiss on the stitch between John’s eyebrows and then slowly, gently his lips. He stayed there as he let the shampoo rinse out of John's hair, sliding his hands down his neck, lips chasing his own thumbs down John's throat until his palms slid over the shelf of his broad shoulders and back. John arched into it, rising onto his tiptoes, fingers burying in Nik's hair as Nik’s mouth reached his chest and began to suck greedily at his nipple.

“Fuck, Nik…” John breathed, leaning back into the palm at his neck as Nik stroked and squeezed him all over, savouring the firm curves of muscle, the way he began to relax in fits and starts, trusting Nik to hold him up as he began to sag into Nik’s arms and enjoy the attention. His delight was breathless, amused, almost boyishly coy when presented with his own pleasure, and Nik smiled against his freckles, the pale blush of his nipples, as he felt those soft chuckles vibrate against his lips.

By the time Nik was guiding him towards the bed, towelling off his hair and leaving it sticking out at all angles, snatching cheeky kisses and squeezes, John’s eyes were bright and his crooked grin soft. Ruffled John Price, his chest flushed beneath its dark curls of hair, his cheeks warm, was beyond endearing. His skin was shower-soft, sensitive, and Nik tickled his ribs playfully as they fell onto the bed.

“Oi, ya wily git, don’--ha, urf, gerroff.” John wriggled away and Nik crawled after him, pressing a hand against the headboard as he slotted between John's legs. The kiss that followed was slow and deep, Nik lapping possessively into John's mouth. He felt strong hands grope appreciatively at his chest, working down to the handles of fat above his hips so that John could grind up with a soft, needy moan.

They rolled and tussled in the nest of bedsheets and pillows, Nik drawing John over him, against him, so that he could squeeze his arse and thighs, grinding the slick, dripping length of John's cock against his belly as John purred and growled his appreciation, nipping greedily at Nik's neck and shoulders.

When Nik pulled away, John finally nestled back against the pillows, he looked down at John's handsome, rugged face, soft and hazy with pleasure, and felt his chest ache with adoration. “Ty svet moyey zshízni.”

John's eyes crinkled in amusement, his lower lip rolling between his teeth. “M’ Russian still ain't that good, Nik. But… bloody ‘ell, speak to me like that some more…”

Nik grinned. “Perhaps, I will whisper the words of poets in your ear as I am inside you. Although,” Nik leaned over to pull the bottle of lube from the bedside table, “they will be nothing compared to the sounds you will make.”

Somehow, John flushed a little redder in the face. Blue eyes wide as Nik shifted to lay down at his side, coaxing one leg over his hip while he nudged the other knee outward. Nik curled an arm beneath John’s head too and threaded their fingers together on the pillow beside it. Like this, he could see the pleasure on John's face. John, unused to scrutiny, tried for some bluster to cover his uncertainty. “Oh yeah? Pretty sure of yerself. Takes more ‘an a big dick to make me noisy.”

“Hmm. Is that a challenge, captain?” Nik asked, smiling. John was being playful, but there was a hint of trepidation behind the bright shine of those eyes. He expected to be pounded into the mattress, no doubt. The men John had been with before liked it rough. They had exchanged stories about past partners over a bottle of scotch and a cigar, and John had professed to having reduced many to overwhelmed tears. It was a point of masculine pride to have rendered such a service, even if Nik sensed it wasn't really what he preferred.

Admitting to wanting tenderness was not something that came easily to John. The way he had skittered away like a whipped animal the first time Nik had stroked his hair or offered to spoon around him in the afterglow had been difficult to navigate at first. It was completely the opposite to what Nik had experienced previously; an expectation he would be rough and then pleased relief when he had been gentle. John had been spooked by someone wanting to cradle him like something valuable.

Slowly, with Nik's persistent offer, John had started to seek it out, nuzzling into Nik's chest as they lay in bed, or surrendering his body as he had in the shower. John Price preferred to be loved gently, even if he did occasionally like a rough tumble to work off steam.

Nik pressed the lube into John's free hand where it rested on his own belly, and offered his fingers out expectantly.

John blinked, but spun the cap off with a deft flick of his thumb, before squeezing out a generous blob onto Nik's fingertips. “Gotta do ev'ryfin' round here,” he muttered, and Nik nipped his ear in reprimand. “R’off.”

“You are nervous.”

“‘m not.”

“Hmm.”

Nik smoothed the gel over his fingers, warming it against his skin, before reaching down to stroke the soft, sensitive furl of John's hole. John sucked in a sharp breath and Nik felt his muscles flutter as he circled his fingertips against his opening. Nik said nothing, only leaned down for a slow, gentle kiss. John's body relaxed where it had begun to bunch, yielding to Nik’s touch just as his mouth yielded to his tongue. He moaned into the kiss as Nik's finger slid into him, pressing out gently against his walls before drawing back for another slow thrust, slightly deeper this time.

John was so soft and fuzzy between his legs, such a delicious contrast to his hard outer shell; he was neat and well-groomed, but otherwise Nik had been delighted to find out that John kept everything natural when they had first fallen into bed together.

The curls of hair not yet dampened by lube tickled Nik’s knuckles, the pad of his thumb brushing gently over the seam of John's sac where his balls sat heavy in the heat of the room, the tender muscle of his hole puckered and eager. He opened up beautifully, relaxing enough for a second finger, the tip stroking around slick muscle before joining the first inside. John’s prick had softened with nerves, but now it flicked and throbbed against his belly, precum leaking in the trail of dark hair at the centre.

John made soft noises, gasps and grunts in the back of his throat, his hands gripping Nik’s against the pillow as he arched for the first time. “Ah, Nik…”

“Ty ochen’ krasiviy,” Nik said, watching John's pupils dilate in twin oceans of blue. He curled his fingers and John tilted his face into Nik’s shoulder, panting, eyes closed tightly. “John, does it hurt?” Nik slowed, drawing his fingers out until only the tips teased the cluster of sensitive nerves endings at the entrance.

“Naw, Nik… s’good, so good. Want ya, please… or I'm gonna blow my load an’ embarrass myself.”

“This would not be a bad thing.” Nik thrust back in slowly and John tried to burrow his face closer. “But I think I would like you to do it on my cock.”

“Fuck…” John muttered.

Nik withdrew his fingers carefully and rolled onto his knees. “And you are sure you do not wish for me to wear protection?”

John looked so sweet against the pillows, flustered and misty-eyed, and Nik had to bite back his smile at the attempt to appear disgruntled when John puffed his reply. “Yer clean an’ I wan’ t’...”

“Want what?”

John's entire face glowed red, all the way down to his neck. He bit his lip, scrubbed a hand over his beard, his gaze trailing down Nik’s body to his erection. The way his eyes went big, his toes curling against the sheets, rather preened Nik's ego.

“T’ feel it when that beast comes inside me.” John said it quietly, his fingers tapping on the back of his thighs where he was holding them, tentatively eager for Nik’s cock, his slick hole puffy and pink, relaxed with arousal. But he was embarrassed by his hunger. Nik could see it in the way his eyes stayed down, lips twitching.

That wouldn’t do. Nik emptied a palmful of lube onto his cock, smearing it over the leaking head and down the shaft before he leaned forward, sliding a wet palm beneath John’s thigh to keep it around his waist while the other planted against the headboard. “Look at me, solnyshko,” Nik asked softly. “Please.”

John looked up, his eyebrows tilted out, freckled cheeks flush. Nik drank him in; the faded tan line across his forehead where he had been facing into the sun during an op and his hat had only shaded so much, the mole on the end of his nose that Nik had kissed often and made it scrunch, the smile lines around his eyes because when John Price smiled his entire face transformed. He was the most beautiful man in the world.

“Ya vlyubilsya v tebya s pervogo vzglyada,” Nik whispered, shifting his hips to rest the tip of his cock head against John’s entrance. He watched the overwhelmed pleasure melt through John’s face as he rocked his hips forward, John’s body clutching at every inch, a warm, welcoming heat. “John…” Nik breathed, resting their foreheads together, his fingers creaking around the struts of the headboard at the intensity of taking his lover for the first time.

Nik felt John’s heels press into the meat of his arse, urging him deeper, strong hands latching onto his shoulders, blunt fingernails catching on his skin. The noise that punched out of John's chest sounded like pain, but the way his entire body arched into it, another thick bead of precum leaking from his slit and dribbling onto his belly, told Nik it was anything but.

Every man Nik had taken was tight. One of the perils of a thicker girth even with plenty of patient preparation, but sinking into John, his defiantly strong body snug, hot, eager, the wet sounds of lube and precum, the smell of him as sweat gathered in the hollows, the bitten off, tight sounds of his pleasure as he was spread open, it made Nik's entire body ache with desire.

When he drew back, John's hole sucked on him, urging him back inside, and John's low, filthy moan as he was fucked back open drew a pleased growl from deep in Nik’s chest.

Nik was slow, making sure he ground deep, maintaining a consistent cadence that nursed the swell of pleasure in his hips at a constant level that filled John's open, sloppy hole with precum as well as lube. John said he wanted to have Nik fill him, so Nik was going to leave him as messy and as used as he could.

Watching John's eyes, his face, the way he lost control of his noises as he pressed his hips up into Nik’s, was mesmerising. He was as sweet and tortured as Nik had expected; broken gasps of Nik’s name, low moans that fractured his gravelly voice into whimpers as he was fucked so tenderly into the bed. This wasn't the raw, animalistic fuck he had been anticipating, but perhaps more overwhelming because of its gentleness.

Nik leaned down to kiss him as he ground forward, burying himself to hilt, circling his hips as every inch of him settled deep inside John's body. He could feel John clench and flutter, unable to settle around Nik’s full girth as he was kept so completely full, pinned beneath Nik’s bulk. “Esli ya znayu, chto takoye lyubov’, to tol’ko blagodarya tebe,” Nik whispered, licking into the shell of John's ear as John whimpered.

Nik sat up and gathered John's hips off the bed, strong thighs slanted over his forearms. Like this the angle over his prostate would be relentless, he was completely and utterly at Nik's mercy, and John’s arms flopped above his head in surrender, his cock leaking down his belly onto his tits.

When Nik began to move again, still with the same gentle, deep pace, John grew even louder, his legs spread wide as if he could urge Nik deeper inside him, those athletic hip flexors letting him roll a little into the thrusts in the most beautifully wanton gyration Nik had ever seen. John was made to be fucked, Nik had never seen him so lost in pleasure.

Like this, Nik could watch his cock moving in and out, the wet pucker of John's hole delicious around his shaft. Nik whispered sweet nothings, praise, love, mixed with longing moans as his own pleasure gathered momentum and his cock swelled, probably feeling harder inside John's body, pulsing as he neared his orgasm. He clutched onto it, shoulders and thighs tightening, walking the knife edge as he sensed the same telltale signs in John; the caught breath, the slack-jawed bewilderment, the twitch and shake of his thighs.

“Da, John… come on, let go for me, ot tebya.. u menya perekhvatyvayet… dykhaniye.” He didn't move faster or harder, but leaned forward again, John’s legs over his biceps so he could fuck him in a slow, deep mating press, Nik's knees spread wide.

There would be plenty of time later to mount John like an animal, sink his teeth and nails in, make him scream into the bedsheets and lift his rump into the air for a deep and brutal breeding. But now, watching John slowly shake apart, his soft little bleats of gathering climax as he was drawn irresistibly towards the edge, his body at the mercy of Nik's relentless tenderness. Nik watched the moment his peak spilled through him, the way his eyes rolled, his back bowing as his cock emptied onto his belly and his mouth fell open to gasp through every swell of it.

John’s entire body clenched tight, gripping around Nik like a vice, and fucking into it was more than Nik's self control could tolerate. His knees spread over the bed as he came, leaning his weight against his knuckles so that he could grind in as his balls pulled tight. Nik managed to watch John’s face fold in renewed pleasure as Nik came inside him, but the intensity of his orgasm made Nik’s chin tuck to his chest, hips twitching to fuck his spend deeper into John's body.

He sat back slowly to watch his cock drag out of John's hole, milky spend welling over slick muscle left hollowed out by Nik’s girth. Nik pressed his thumb into John's arse cheek to stretch him open a little, admiring the sight of his claim. He looked up at his lover's panting chest, flushed red, and then his serene face, lips parted as he drew in deep, stuttering breaths.

There were tears on his cheeks.

“John,” Nik asked, trying to keep his voice from cracking in horror. “John, pozhaluysta… I am…”

“S’ok, Nik,” John murmured, blue eyes opening again, glistening. “Eh, don' look like tha’, c'mere.”

Nik let John's legs fall gently onto the bed and then spooned up next to him, smoothing his fingers into his beard as if petting him would soothe away the harm. “I did not… I should have used more…”

“Oi, Nik, listen… listen, please, ‘m fine,” John said, smoothing his hand over Nik's ruffled hair to cup the back of his neck. “This is.. I.. ha,” he huffed a laugh, “‘m embarrassed, the reason ‘m blubberin’...”

John sniffed and Nik pressed a kiss into his hair, trying to ignore the hammer of his own heart.

“It was good, Nik. Gentle, tender… the way you looked at me, an’... fuckin’ ‘ell, you looked so good… you were enjoyin’ it so much too, I’m… it was a lot fer me, olrigh’? I was… it was overwhelmin’.”

“You are not hurt,” Nik said, stating it out loud to chase away the last of his fear.

“Naw, far from it, never felt this kinda… satisfied. Jesus, yer hung like a damn horse, thought I was gonna burst open when you were pumpin’ yer fuckin’ load in me.”

Something a little feral purred in Nik's chest, and he tried to smother it with another kiss. “Blyat, John, I thought I had… urf, you are…”

“Soppy cunt, yeah, I know.”

“I was going to say muppet.”

“Low blow, Nik. ‘Muppet’ is reserved for the real ne’er-do-wells.”

“You call the sergeants muppets at least three times a day.”

“They are the very definition of one.”

“And yet, you love them very much…”

“Can we not talk ‘bout Garrick and MacTavish with yer cum leakin’ out my arsehole. Feels gauche.”

Nik chuckled, deep and hearty, and flopped onto his back, gathering John onto his chest so that he could bury half his face in his fluffy hair. “So, this was a success.”

“I'd say so,” John murmured. “Let me recharge an’ I want yer to do it again.”

“Greedy.”

“If yer not up fer it, old man. You jus’ gott–ah! Nik!”

“I will give you ‘old man’.” Nik grabbed at his ribs, tweaking a nipple in passing.

“Nik there is meant to be a post-fuck snooze! Ack, you bas–not the damn tits, fuck!” John would have squealed if his voice had still been capable of going that high, but his puffs and barks of laughter were just as sweet as he tried to wrestle out of Nik’s grasp.

If he ended up chest down, his arse up in the air with Nik’s tongue buried in him, a fist between his legs wrapped around his sensitive cock, teasing him to sobbing overstimulation, then, well, served him right, didn't it?

[unhingedangstaddict]

The bucktommy mpreg brainrot is so real wtf. I never thought in a million years I'd write an mpreg fic and well,,,

Here's my latest wip

Tommy was sitting on the bathroom floor next to the toliet again, crying for no reason again. He was so sick of the spontaneous crying and worse he didn’t even know why he was crying. Tommy had cried after the break-up, but he’d mostly stopped after two-ish weeks. He was sick of feeling the way he’d felt all week- horrifically nauseous and tired no matter how much he slept.

Tommy was so caught up in his wallowing and his crying that he didn’t hear Lucy enter the house, didn’t notice her standing in the doorway to the ensuite. He only noticed her when she set a plastic bag from a drug store down at his feet.

Tommy sniffled and looked up at Lucy. “I’m starting to regret giving you a key.” He wiped the tears off his cheeks.

“Is it really so terrible having someone look out for you?” Lucy crossed her arms.

Tommy was quiet.

“Thought so.” Lucy nodded.

Tommy curiously reached for the bag and looked inside.

“First time ever for me, the women's version of something was cheaper than the mens version. It’s the exact same thing, just different colored packaging.” Lucy said nonchalantly.

Tommy hardly registered what Lucy was saying as he plucked the box out of the bag. A three pack of pregnancy tests. In an instant it felt like his world had been flipped on it’s axis.

There was no way this was actually happening, but if he was- if Lucy was right about this, it would make sense. The headaches, the fatigue, the random crying, the nausea and vomiting- morning sickness. Now that Tommy thought about it, it seemed like his sense of smell had maybe been heightened the last week or so too.

“If I’m way out of line here Tommy, just tell me, it’s fine. I’ll keep ‘em for next time I have a scare.” Lucy offered.

Tommy swallowed thickly. His mind and heart were racing. This couldn’t be happening.

“Tommy?” Lucy prompted.

“I don’t know.” Tommy said quietly. Clearly Lucy had been thinking about this at least since they were on the phone not that long ago. Her suggestion to drink something made even more sense now. Tommy couldn’t believe this was his life.

“What- what do you mean you don’t know?” Lucy asked.

“I never uh, I never got tested to see if I’m a carrier.” Tommy couldn't take his eyes off the box of pregnancy tests.

“You’re joking right?” Lucy sounded shocked or maybe even pissed.

Tommy shook his head.

“How could you be so irresponsible?” Lucy questioned. “You- I can’t believe you never got tested. I can understand not getting tested as a kid with your dad being the way he is but Tommy, you’re- you sleep with men! How could you not get tested?”

Tommy spoke with a monotone voice, head clearly elsewhere. “Parents never bothered. Then I was in denial about being gay and thought I could make myself fall in love with a woman. Then it didn’t matter because I was never serious enough to ditch condoms. Then it didn’t matter when I was serious enough to ditch condoms because I was almost exclusively the top and I was too old. The thought never even crossed my mind in all the time I was with Evan.”

“Oh my god Tommy.” Lucy mumbled.

“I know.” Tommy swallowed thickly. “I guess I have to take one of these now, huh?”

“I’d recommend all three, actually.” Lucy told him. “These things aren’t the most reliable, always a chance of false negatives or positives, so it’s best to take more than one test but if you take two and get two different results then you won’t feel any better or worse than you did before taking them, until you take another. So three at once.”

“Sounds like you know from experience.” Tommy looked up at Lucy.

“I’m a woman who does not exclusively sleep with other women.” Lucy shrugged.

Lucy left the bathroom so Tommy could take the tests, and as soon as he was finished he set them on the counter, opened the door for Lucy, started a timer, and sat back down on the floor again, not confident that he wasn’t going to throw up again at any moment.

Lucy came in and sat next to Tommy on the floor. Just by looking at him she could tell he wasn’t in the mood to talk and for the time being she knew everything she needed to know. Tommy hadn’t even thought about the possibility of this so Lucy was certain that Tommy had no idea what he’d want to do about it- if Tommy was pregnant it was undoubtedly Evan’s, and Tommy was scared and heartbroken right now. Instead of talking Lucy just took his hand and held onto it.

Three minutes felt like an eternity, and if it wasn’t for Lucy holding onto Tommy’s hand, he was sure he would’ve completely lost his grip on reality. He distantly heard the timer on his phone going off, followed by Lucy giving his hand a squeeze. Tommy stopped the timer. He couldn’t look at the tests. He couldn’t move. “Can you look?” He rasped.

“Of course.” Lucy said gently. She stood, not letting go of Tommy’s hand and looked at the tests on the counter. There were two visual tests and one digital test with a weeks along indicator.

The visual tests both showed plus signs, meaning the tests were positive.

The digital test read ‘Pregnant 3+’, meaning three or more weeks along.

“Luce?” Tommy’s grip on her hand tightened.

“Positive.” Lucy told him.

“All of them?” Tommy wondered.

“All three.” Lucy nodded.

Tommy nodded slowly. “Okay.” He whispered as tears stung his eyes and quickly began to fall.

Lucy squeezed Tommy’s hand and returned to her spot on the floor next to him.

Tommy pulled his knees to his chest, rested the arm that wasn’t holding Lucy’s hand on his knees, put his head down, and sobbed for so many reasons it felt like there wasn’t even a reason to be crying at all.

[twilightkitkat]

Time travel GO!

OK let's go.

Like you said, it's a really interesting theory that Worst Wolverine is from the Origins Universe. It matches up with his story considering he seemed confused by Wade's existence, meaning that Deadpool likely wasn't an active vigilante in his universe. This would be plausible if Wade had been essentially "killed" (stripped of his free will) during the Weapon X program. Also, Logan in Origins was a little different than how he acted in the OG X-men films and his personality aligns a bit more with Worst Wolverine. Origin's plotline would account for him being extra cagey and distrustful of the world and the X-men, because his own brother and teammates turned against him in the past.

Logan always struggled with memory problems. Except in his world since he never joined the X-men, he never really fully "remembered" his past. He eventually discovered what Stryker did to him, but not the extent of his involvement in the Weapon X program. It bothered him, but eventually, he tried to move on.

Except he and Wade are up against a villain from another universe. With TVA's ability to time and dimension travel. Right as they're about to finish him off, he hits an emergency button on a device he has and sends them back in time.

Except he latched onto the point where Logan's memory was the weakest and sent him there in hopes that he'd fuck up the timeline enough to never come to Wade's Universe. So that he wouldn't fight them.

So Wade and Logan get sent back in time. Except that Wade remembers and Logan... doesn't. His memories were already spotty at best and were sealed behind a barrier.

The Origins Weapon X program was a little different from the one Wade remembered, but it was so nauseatingly familiar. When he sees Logan with his brother Victor, he damn near starts ugly sobbing. Except for the fact that Logan is ignoring him. He isn't looking at him or talking to him and he's acting like he doesn't remember anything.

It's only when he raises an unamused eyebrow and asks, "The fuck do you need, Wilson?" that Wade realizes how deep in shit he is. Time travel is hard enough, but without Logan's cooperation? In a time before Wade even had his fucking mutant abilities? No thanks...

Wade tries to get closer to Logan. To prod him to remember. Occasionally, Logan looks a little moved by his words, only to get a piercing headache and forget about it. He thinks Wade's schizophrenic and delusional and Wade can't do shit to change it.

So he switches gears. The best thing he could do right now is try to get buddy-buddy with past Wolvie, right? He starts following him on missions, separating him from Victor, and talking Logan's ear off. Logan is annoyed but it's also nice to be around someone who has a shred of empathy for civilians. Who isn't a bloodthirsty psychopath. So he reluctantly lets him in.

So they become close friends. Wade obviously feels more than that, but what can he do? This was a time when being gay was like a death sentence, and Logan was almost 200 years old. He'd had it ingrained into his head and it took years in modern society to undo that shit.

Logan starts feeling a little hot and bothered around Wade, but doesn't know why. The guy pisses him off but this isn't just that? He kind of wants to yank him closer and just... hold him there. But that can't be right. Firstly, Wade is a man. Secondly, Logan isn't Like That. He's a killing machine, an animal. He doesn't deserve nice things.

But Logan starts to have second thoughts. He starts to doubt what he's doing is right. And this time, with someone other than Victor around, he can share his frustrations. Occasionally he gets drunk enough let himself be vulnerable around Wade (only Wade). He tells him how he hates killing, how he just wants to live a peaceful life, how he can't keep doing this anymore. Wade listens to him and comforts him. Tells him he knows. (Holds him quietly when Logan finally lets himself cry. Logan might not say anything the next day, but he stays so close to Wade that their shoulders are brushing and that's all Wade needs to know he appreciates it.)

And so this continues until Logan decides to quit the Weapon X project. And Wade doesn't exactly know what overcame him in that moment, but he followed Logan. He knows he should let the plot run its course but he couldn't. Not when Logan was disappearing from sight and all Wade could remember was a much older Logan from the future about to walk away until he called out for him.

Logan turns around, angry and cautious and fucking terrified because he's leaving behind the only life he'd ever known. And there was Wade, who'd been there for him through all this shit, grinning awkwardly and holding out his dog tags.

"Twinsies?" Wade chuckles as he places them into Logan's hand. Logan can't decide whether to strangle or hug him, so he settles on a combination.

He punches Wade in the shoulder and mutters, "Asshole," and then wraps him in the most bone-crushingly tight hug he can manage. He clings to Wade like a lifeline, like he can't believe he's real, and it's only then that Wade notices he's shaking.

And... oh.

The realization hits him that it wasn't easy for Logan at all. To leave behind his brother who he'd been with his whole life, the only person who couldn't die like him and understood his instincts. To see Victor become someone unrecognizable, tainted by greed and bloodlust. To leave behind the only semblance of familiarity he knew because the guilt was eating him alive.

Wade can't just abandon him. Can't leave him alone to suffer and become the hardened shell of a man he should have become. He isn't thinking about the future ramifications when he takes Logan by the shoulders, grins, and says he knows a way out. Later that night, he manages to borrow a boat from a coastal settlement in exchange for a warning about Stryker. Logan looks dazed next to him as he easily manages to secure an escape route.

(How long would it have taken him before? When he didn't have a translator? How much did he suffer originally?)

And so they run away together. To Canada, where Wade knew Logan would choose to settle. And Wade meets the woman who would have been Logan's wife, in the original timeline. She's sweet and cute and reminds him of Vanessa in a way that makes him viciously homesick. He can see why Logan liked her.

But they don't end up together. Logan is oddly on guard around her, frowning as she chats happily with Wade. Wade might be a little wary because he knows she's a spy, but Logan should have no reason to be so cagey. When she turns to Logan to flirt, he shuts her down immediately and harshly. He storms off and drags Wade with him. (If Wade didn't know better, it almost looked like he was jealous.)

Later that night, Wade brings her up again. Says that she's pretty and seems interested in Logan. It pains him a little, but it's how the timeline is supposed to go. Logan sneers in response before schooling his face into an expression of indifference and asks him what he thinks of her.

Wade... doesn't know what came over him, suddenly, but he feels a sudden urge to be honest. Maybe it's homesickness or just being sick of bottling up his emotions, but he tells Logan that she reminds him of Vanessa.

Logan's eyes are piercing when he asks who she is. Wade says that she was someone he loved, once. That he thought he'd be together with her forever. That he planned to get married and start a family with her. It tumbles out suddenly, like it was stuck in his throat and he had to throw it up or it'd choke him.

Logan tenses beside him. He stares at his hands blankly, and asks quietly, "Do you miss her?"

Wade hears it for the question it is: "Do you regret being with me?"

So Wade drops against Logan's shoulder and grabs his hand and answers honestly, "I loved her, once. But I'm here now. This is my life." The you're my life goes unspoken.

But Logan hears it anyway, and suddenly he's surging to meet Wade's lips, desperately and hungrily. He's pushing him down and looking at him frantically like he can't quite understand his own feelings but he can't stop them either. And then Wade reaches up, cradles his cheek, and kisses him back. Logan melts into him and clings to Wade so tightly he leaves bruises.

Things are different, after that. Wade and Logan unofficially become a couple, away from the public eye. They live a simple but happy life. Logan and Wade both work at the construction company, with Logan as the lumberjack and Wade as one of the builders. It's not the best money he's made, but it'll do.

Except for the fact that Wade is aware their time together has a limit. And he's even more aware that if he goes down the same road as he did originally, he'll die. Narratively speaking, he replaced Logan's wife as the "leverage to use against him." He knew that meant that Victor would come for his ass first. And Wade unfortunately doesn't have his healing factor yet, which makes him even more vulnerable. He may be stronger and more skilled than Kayla Silverfox, but he can't win against an infinite regen hack.

So he starts planning. He gets in touch with some of the black market channels he knew existed at the time. He gets into some shady mercenary work, just like his past life. It's a lot easier when he knows the ropes. He saves up money and hoards it under the floorboards, alongside a special gun he'd managed to get. One with adamantium bullets.

Here's the thing: Wade loves Logan. He does. He had no intention of "fooling" him with their time together. But here's another thing: Wade isn't stupid. He can't live in the delusion that he'll somehow be safe just because he isn't Kayla. He knows how the story goes. And he knows that if he tries to explain to Logan, he'll forget it immediately. He can't work to create a plan with Logan when the universe seems dead set on keeping him in the dark.

But Wade has hope. Maybe he'll be able to escape with Logan, as soon as Victor's time to shine comes close. And soon it does. He's been keeping tabs on his ex-teammates religiously, so when he hears about the first death he knows what to do.

He brings it up to Logan, prepared to flee with him, to fight together to break apart Stryker's plans, and Logan... looks at him blankly. Like he doesn't understand. So Wade tries again, more frantically, and Logan's brain refuses to let him register it. He asks why he's upset, what Wade wants for dinner, and Wade...

Wade collapses to the ground, shaking. The universe wouldn't fucking let him. It was like an immune system fighting against the intruder in the timeline to cut off the infection. It'd let him stay by Logan's side, for now, and change little things... but it refused to let him change the key events. The anchor points tying the universe together.

Wade goes through the motions numbly, after that. Logan can clearly see something's wrong, and tries cornering him a few times, but Wade brushes it off. He can't deal with that again.

Logan's mind is clearly being fucked with. His memories were sealed from the beginning, and his mind seemed to reject any notion of familiarity. Maybe it was the villain's fault, instead of the universe's. In which case, what could be his end goal? This would just cause things to turn out like they did originally, which would be bad for him. (Unless he had a moment he'd step in. A single moment to intercept. Like them meeting in the bar.)

Then, on the night before Victor arrives, Wade puts his plan into action. He grabs the gun and the money stuffs it into his backpack before he leaves for work. He kisses Logan goodbye at their parting point and walks off with a grim look on his face.

The air has a chill to it that can't just be explained away by the cold. The forest seems distorted. Wade can just feel that it's getting close. He hides the bag in a place only he would know to check that wouldn't be suspicious if Logan caught his scent.

Then he "leisurely" strolls out into the woods, whistling with his hands in his pockets without a care in the world. (He's very tense, actually.)

It's then that Victor pounces. Pinning him to the ground, grinning viciously. "Wilson," he punctuates with his claws pushing closer to his throat, "what a pleasure to know that my brother keeps you as company."

But just as Wade predicted, he doesn't kill him. He cuts him, letting enough of his blood spill to be assumed dead, and then hauls him over his shoulder when he's assured Wade can't move. Fucking figures, they needed an experimental subject anyway.

He wakes up later, in a daze, to being chained down on a table in the lab. Wow, so original. Never been done before. He'd wondered how exactly his role as "Logan's wife" and "Deadpool" would meet, but this was roughly what he'd expected. His genes were the next best thing to Logan's, a way to test out the product with room for failure before the next big thing.

(He wondered how Logan felt when he assumed him dead. Did he storm up to Victor, like last time? Was he more or less mad? Did he cry? Victor wasn't here, had that happened yet or not?)

Wade was no stranger to the fucked-up-experimental-torture routine, so when Stryker entered, he didn't act surprised at all.

"Damn, that's crazy," he said blankly. "So you were secretly running a mutant weapon experimentation program this whole time? Weapon X was so cleverly named after the X gene? What a plot twist."

Stryker looks... shocked at his nonchalance. He gets pissed, too, but it's the anxiety as he asks how the fuck Wade figured that out that clues him in. So people other than Logan can still hear him loud and clear... interesting. He can still influence the world.

He riles Stryker up a bit more, pushes all the right buttons (imagines him as Francis, speaking in the exact same way) and he gets what he wants. Stryker snarls at him, tells him he'll show him how to behave, and decides to torture him.

Now's his chance. "Hate to inform you but I already got a free trial of the kitty cat claws. The only way you'd manage to shut me up would be to strangle me," Wade snorts.

And bingo. Stryker mutters that he'll suffocate him just enough to be painful, putting on gloves and eyeing him with a sadistic viciousness only rivaled in Francis himself.

Wade ignores the instinctive panic at the thought of suffocation and focuses on the bright side. Under the same circumstances, he should trigger his mutation early, right?

[archangeldyke-all]

Reader seeing sevs baby pics 🥺

She’s be the cutest little chub 😭

Hope you’ve recovered well too Angel!

lush <333 thank u so much i am feeling sooooo much better

men and minors dni

"babe, c'mere!" sevika shouts from her office.

you run into the room, expecting a problem, only to find sevika smiling up at you from the middle of the floor where she's surrounded by boxes. "what's this?" you ask.

sevika shrugs. "i was rearranging my storage closet, and i found some old baby photos of me. wanna see?" she asks.

you nearly break your back with how fast you dive to the floor. sevika cackles beside you as you settle down beside her and start making grabby hands. "show me, show me!" you demand.

you've never seen baby pictures of sevika before. her strained relationship with her dad means that the two of you only see him once or twice a year-- and those nights aren't spent happily reminiscing on her childhood-- you're usually there to insure no major fights break out.

you've imagined what sevika must've looked like as a kid-- but nothing compares to the picture she hands you. you gasp, reaching out to grab your girlfriend for stability as tears well up in your eyes.

sevika was such a cute baby. "this is you?!" you ask. sevika chuckles.

"is it that hard to believe?" she asks. it isn't. the eyes in the photo are sevika's-- but as a baby they were so much bigger. that smile is hers-- but her cheeks are chubby and pinch-able and sweet. she's grinning in the picture, little tufts of her hair sticking up at all angles, her face is covered in streaks of orange paint. "...babe?" sevika asks.

you blink up from the photo to look at your girlfriend, and you burst into tears. sevika gasps, wrapping you up in a hug and tugging you to her chest, laughing a little as she speaks. "a-are you okay? what's going on?!"

"you-- you were so cute!" you sob. sevika breaks into cackles.

"why are you crying?!" she asks.

"because-- you were so fucking cute! look at you sevika, look at that baby face!" you cry, clutching the picture to your chest. sevika chuckles and rubs your back. "oh my god, sev, i wanna wrap you up in a blanket and give you a hot chocolate-- look at your little cheeks!" you cry.

sevika snorts and kisses your cheek. "you're ridiculous."

"you're adorable." you say. "show me more." you demand.

sevika giggles. "are you just gonna look at my pictures and cry all night?" she asks.

"maybe." you say, flipping open an old photo album, your heart clenching at sevika's newborn hospital photos. "might take a break halfway through to try and make a baby with you though."

sevika bursts into laughter and kisses you soundly. "whatever you say, baby."

taglist!

@fyeahnix @lavendersgirl @half-of-a-gay @thesevi0lentdelights @sexysapphicshopowner

@shimtarofstupidity @chuucanchuucan @badbye666 @femme-historian @lia-winther

@sevikaspillowprincess @emiliabby @sevikasbeloved @hellorai

@glass-apothecary @macaroni676 @artinvain @k3n-dyll @sevsdollette

@ellieslob @xayn-xd @keikuahh @maneskinwh0re @raphaellearp

@iamastar @sevikitty @mascdom @nhaaauyen

@mirconreadzztuff22 @veoomvroom @lushh-s3vik4s @katyawooga @lesbodietcoke

[dr-spectre]

So.... This game is 2 years old now huh?

Honestly... I don't think i have a TON to say about this game. It's just a great ass fucking video game that has given me a lot of fun and great memories!

This game came out during my final year of school, which is kinda funny considering that Splatoon 3 acts like a "finale" to a trilogy. It's interesting how those kinds of things work out eh? Splatoon 2 came out at the start of my secondary education, and Splatoon 3 came out at the tail end of my final year.

I remember thinking before the game came out, "why do we need a Splatoon 3? This is pointless, it's just more Splatoon 2." And then my mind was quickly changed once i got to play the Splatfest test fire and the actual game itself.....

I completed ROTM in such a short amount of time and i documented my reactions to my friends. Although i was spoiled in that Deep Cut had boss fights and Mr. Grizz was the final boss, ROTM still gave me a giant smile to my face all the way through. It was so fun, so charming and just a really good single player experience.

One of the things that i LOVE about Splatoon 3 is the vibe. I just love the location of Splatsville, i love the aesthetics, the lighting, the model improvements from Splatoon 2, the music, it's my favourite art style/aesthetic out of any of the Splatoon games by far. It just feels so polished, i don't know how to exactly describe it.

Also the fact that this game won best multiplayer game of 2022 over CALL OF DUTY! OVERWATCH 2 AND MULTIVERSUS MAKES ME SO GIDDY AND HAPPY!

PEOPLE GOT MAD ABOUT THIS AND THAT MAKES ME WANNA EVIL LAUGH! All of those fucking depressed and sad Call of Duty players who whine and complain about how "wahh modern gaming sucks!! There's no good games anymore wahhh!! It's all microtransactions wahhh!!" BITCH! SPLATOON 3 IS LITERALLY THE GAME YOU'VE BEEN ASKING FOR!! Yet you won't play it because it's on Nintendo huh? Yeah... You're a fucking PUSSY!! YOU'RE WEAK!! You're SCARED to be seen as less of a manly man!! You only wanna play games with oily dirty buff men.... Yet you call others who play games like Splatoon gay? Hmm..... Sounds like you're a wittle insecureeeeee!!!!

Have fun rotting in microtransaction hell you LOSERS!! GAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways.... uh.... sorry....

I also fucking love Deep Cut too. I thought i wasn't gonna like these guys and i remember thinking when i first saw them "oh... okayyyy..."

But now? I love these bastards.

I love their dynamic and how they are bandits but they actually wanna help the people back in Splatsville. That is such a cool and unique take to have for Idol characters. The Squid Sisters are very cutesy and so are Off the Hook, but Deep Cut aren't. They are loud, messy, chaotic, in your face, rude, etc. They are about contrast and the character designers did a phenomenal job at conveying that theme via their backgrounds and looks.

Another thing that i love about Splatoon 3 is that it also acts as a celebration of things that have come before, Inkopolis Plaza and Square return as hubs, old colour combos from previous games act as loading screens, most of the music returns in the jukebox, it rewards long time fans for sticking around and for a long running franchise IT'S SUPER IMPORTANT to have that stuff!!!

Seeing the improvements in the model quality from Splatoon 1 to 3 genuinely makes me kinda emotional, it shows how far we've come in just a little under 10 years...

It really homes in on the point that... These characters, have grown up with us.... The Squid Sisters are about to reach their mid 20s, Pearl is nearly 30 fucking years old!!!

And the last thing i wanna bring up before i talk about the Grand Fest...

...Is Side Order.

This fucking DLC... My god... Being able to experience it by myself and just enjoy the stuff i was seeing, being able to SCREAM AND CRY AS MUCH I WANT WAS SO IMPORTANT TO ME DUDE!

When i got to the 10th floor in the tutorial and i saw Marina Agitando staring me down.... I did the loudest gasp a human could possibly do and my jaw was hung to the floor for a solid MINUTE!

Marina's first fucking dev diary made me cry and scream, THAT IS NOT A JOKE!!!! THESE CHARACTERS ARE THAT IMPORTANT TO ME!

And the final boss.... Made me cry, it broke me down, i was singing along to Ebb and Flow as best as i could, it felt like i was brought back to 2018, being in my room, listening to that song on repeat... I feel like a kid again....

I love this song... i love it so much... Like it's not the most hype finale song ever, but, the emotion behind it, the build up from Splatoon 2... The power this song has in it's meaning... It's some good shit man...

So yeah! I love Splatoon 3!!! It's my favourite game out of the series and anyone who is gonna jump into this game now is gonna have a LOT to chew on.

And... It's both sweet and sad that we're at the end. This is it... The moment we've been waiting for. The final Splatfest to end them all. The event 9 years in the making.

The Grand Festival...

I am extremely excited and so FUCKING NERVOUS for this Splatfest!!!! I know i am going to cry and be so overwhelmed with joy. Seeing the Squid Sisters and Off the Hook perform their old songs again after all of these years is gonna make me sob so loudly it's not even funny.

These characters genuinely mean the world to me and it's gonna be so fucking hard for me to watch their final major appearance and say goodbye. Cause after this, we don't know what's gonna happen. I know they will come back, they have to but... In what capacity? That's what I'm scared about...

So yeah, let's savior this moment when it eventually arrives, take all the time you need to be engulfed in the Grand Fest.

Thank you Splatoon 3, you have given me so much.... It's not time to say goodbye just yet but, i wanna watch you as you walk into the sunset with your head held high....

[starryeyeddreamer21]

Characters as things I've said/heard people say

I went to the fair with my family so you get this

---

Angel: No regrets, if we die good riddance

----

Cherri: I would strap myself to a bomb for fun

----

Charlie: I haven't pet a cow in too long I think

----

Vaggie: *furious* All because I can't crochet

----

Husk: if I was a goat I'd uhhh umm I don't know I'd probably just be a goat... Sleep maybe?

----

Angel: I'm going to touch your ankles

Husk: What are you, some kind of Victorian pervert?

----

Charlie: *gasping and pointing to a sign* SUPER FRIED CHICKEN

Angel: Lame I want super SUPER fried chicken

----

Alastor: *watching pork roast* Gorgeous

----

Charlie: *feeding Vaggie* here comes the airplane

Alastor: ... That was embarrassing for both of you

----

Vaggie: *watching a man dressed as a cockroach walk by* The men have started morphing into their true forms

----

Cherri: Wouldn't it be funny if this place got set on fire

Charlie: No??? There would be a stampede

Cherri: Oh damn I would die

Charlie: No, you would stampede?

Cherri: I wouldn't run

Charlie: *sigh* yeah, of course not

----

Sir Pentious: If I died on a rollercoaster my last words would be "Wahoo"

----

Nifty: I need to destroy, I need to rip something to shreds with my bare hands

----

Lucifer and his Candy apple adventures a saga:

Lucifer: *holding a candy apple* oh hell yeah I'm gonna fuck this shit UP

-

Lucifer: *spits seed at Alastor*

Alastor: *doesn't notice*

Lucifer: *spits seed at Alastor*

Alastor: *looks around* ???

Lucifer: *spits seed at Alastor*

Alastor: *looks back at him* What are you doing?

Lucifer: Huh?

Lucifer: *spits seed at Alastor*

Alastor: WILL YOU STOP

Lucifer: What are you talking about????

Alastor: You're throwing something in my hair and on my shoulders and back-

Lucifer: *singing* head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes!

(my sister never figured out what I was doing 💀)

-

Lucifer: *still eating his candy apple* Why am I eating this like a chicken wing?

Charlie: Is that not how you're supposed to eat it?

Lucifer: You are absolutely right

-

Lucifer: *covered in candy apple* I'm sticky 🥺

-

Lucifer: *done with his candy apple but still chewing on the stick*

Alastor: *takes a bite of a mozzarella stick*

Lucifer: *gasps* MOZZARELLA STICKS

Alastor: *dips mozzarella sticks in marinara sauce and holds it out to Lucifer*

Lucifer: *reaches for it*

Alastor: *takes it back and glares*

Lucifer: what? oh- weirdo *eats it from his hand*

----

Lucifer: Can you bring me to the bathroom?

Alastor: I'm not carrying you

Lucifer: *rolls eyes* can you walk me to the-

Alastor: I might be able to find you a little red wagon

Lucifer: I'm going to punch you

----

Cherri: Froot loops are just-

Angel: *nods seriously* Gay Cheerios

----

Charlie: I need to find a bathroom to cry in asap

----

Vaggie: She's either drunk or high off something

Angel: I think it would be easier if I was high

----

Charlie: All I can smell is weed

Angel and Cherri: *deep inhale*

Charlie: NO

----

Alastor: Ugh there are so many people

Lucifer: I know I'm dying

----

Angel: *gasp* MY PHONE IS ON ONE PERCENT

Alastor: *completely monotone* oh no the horrors

----

Stranger: Is that your dad?

Husk: Do I look that old?

Angel: No, we're married

Stranger: Oh... you're married

Angel: *laughing* No

Husk: DO I LOOK THAT OLD????

----

Lucifer: *singing along* I can count on you like 4 3 2 you'll be there

Alastor: No I'd leave you

Lucifer: Yeah I know

Alastor: Like everyone else

Lucifer: oh

----

Nifty: *staring at crystals* Do I think they could heal me? No, I am beyond repair. Do I think they're so so so so pretty? YES!!! I NEED THEM

----

Lucifer: *overstimulated, angry, and grinning with tears in his eyes* I wish I could enjoy things

---

[fagus-sylvatica-beech-hedge]

and if i start crying over the possibility of two old gay men eating pizza on camera what then

[gayelderstourney]

OLD MAN YAOI BRACKET ROUND 1

Propaganda:

Bob Zanotto/Helmut Fullbear:

THEY LITERALLY MADE MR CRY THE FIRST TIME I PLAYED THE GAME. THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH AND THEY FINALLY GET TO BE HAPPY TOGETHER. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO ME.

they are married in canon and are epic and amazing. they had sad canon events where bob thought helmut was dead for like 30 years or something but helmut WASN'T dead his brain was still alive and they are reunited in the game first by way of stealing an evil dictator's body and then later on they put helmut's brain in a ball as a temporary fix while they go out to find his body which has been frozen in ice. the game forces you to walk through bob's memory of saying his vows at their wedding ceremony and it's seriously some of the most romantic and heartwarming shit i've ever heard, especially "just when i thought i was turning to seed, you made me bloom again" like my god. i love them

they're gay and old as hell!!!! there's a level dedicated to their wedding!!!

Helmut is voiced by Jack Black and is currently a brain in a ball, and Bob knows him so well that the mental image of him in his drunken mind says things Bob KNOWS the real Helmut would never say. Also Helmut is temporarily in the body of a guy voiced by Elijah Wood-

Craig Cuttlefish/DJ Octavio:

well you see they used to be friends but were on opposite sides of the great turf war. cuttlefish gets a 14 year old to go stop octavios army. also they argue in splatoon 3 which is just part of the 100+ year divorce arc BUT AT THE FINAL BOSS IN THE JAPANESE VERSION THEY SHARE THE ICONIC LINE THAT CUES THE CALAMARI INKANTATION AND IN THE ENGLISH CUTTLEFISH TELLS OCTAVIO TO "HIT IT" AND START THE MUSIC AND MUSIC IS SO IMPORTANT TO THE SPLATOON UNIVERSE YAAAAA ik its grasping but its lovers to enemies

Literally I have seen so many people call this old man yaoi.

Old men divorce!!!

They're old men who made their divorce the problem of every young person in their lives <3. 100 years ago during the Great Turf War between inklings and octarians, Craig and Octavio were the chosen ambassadors of their respective species. They got along well, but unfortunately found themselves on opposite sides of the war. During one of the battles Craig shot Octavio in the heart. The inlkings won the war and the octarians were forced underground. For years afterward both men grew bitter towards each other, and eventually Octavio attacked the new Squidbeak Splatoon (a group of secret agents recruited by Craig). Octavio lost both times and got imprisoned in a giant snow globe (and Craig calls him cute). In the latest game Octavio got over his hatred for Inklings (Craig's species) and used his flying mech to help defeat the BBEG of the game. After the final fight, Craig said something to the effect of 'that old rascal turned out to be not so bad!'.

Alright ok hear me out! These two old men have fought in wars for their races against each other and have the craziest pathetic old man homoerotic tension ever. They like, went from at least respecting each other before the war and then they were forced to fight each other and then when Cuttlefish's side won, Octavio went underground like a pathetic lil wet cat and later on he kidnapped Cuttlefish because of game related reasons and both of them still have way too much homoerotic tension!!! And then Octavio gets owned and then in the second game Octavio decides that "Hey actually, lets kidnap Cuttlefish's granddaughter" and the old man isnt even there cause hes busy being a pathetic old man in the under-underground!!! And in the third game they go fron rival/enemies to reluctantly working together to save the world from actual extinction bc some durry bitch wants to cover it in fuzzy ooze and like, both of them have so much old man ship potential and just- theyre still pining for each other even after over a 100 years man,,,,

I personally headcanon Cap'n Cuttlefish as homophobic, but I see the ship a lot and think it's funny.

They’re both at least like 125 probably a bit older, they are so divorced, like peak lovers to enemies back to lovers, Cap’n Cuttlefish calls Octavio cute in Splatoon one immediately after you rescue him from Octavio kidnapping him? So dysfunctional, so gay, so old

They fought in the Great Turf War which was said to be over 100 years ago, Capn Cuttlefish was, well, a captain I believe (he had some sort of rank even if he wasn't a captain, like he led a battle that's singled out in the sunken scrolls of the first game). they act so divorced in the singleplayer mode like they cannot stop insulting each other specifically but octavio always comes back and like kidnaps or insults captain cuttlefish it's so. and when the great zapfish gets stolen in splatoon 3 captain cuttlefish is like "it's the octarians again i know it" like divorced behavior. also it wasn't this time and octavio gets super weird about it. maybe you should stop using children as props in your drama though.

my favorite war crime divorcees <3

They basically are friends to enemies to lovers. Both of them fought in a war that hurt DJ Octavio so bad he can’t become an inkling.

friends -> enemies -> lovers. what more is there to say

they are soooo divorced

they were so gay their breakup ended a war

Craig Cuttlefish got sucked dry by a bear

they got divorced but then they got remarried . they fuckinf hate eachother but they also make out sloppy style and i do not know how that works because neither of them have mouths in their swim form which they are both permanently stuck in. love wins but also loses at the same time with these fucking losers

they are sooo divorced omg. istg they were dating when they were younger and then war n shit happened and now theyre bitter exes who probably still make out sometimes. Makes it so much funnier that theyre old ass men (both over 100!) and Cuttlefish has grandkids

They were on opposite sides of a war and still fell in love

[adventuresofalgy]

The weather on Boxing Day in the wild west Highlands of Scotland was disappointingly dismal, dark, and dripping wet, but it was also unusually calm and mild, so Algy decided to explore his assistants' garden, which he had not visited for a wee while.

When darkness fell he was amazed to see a sudden eruption of Christmas lights, and flew over to investigate. Algy was particularly intrigued by a pair of small illuminated reindeer, and being still full of festive high spirits, he just couldn't resist jumping onto the back of one of the deer. Crying "Way for the Sport of Kings!" Algy started to race away with his new Christmas scarf streaming out behind him… But strange to say, he did not seem to get very far on his galloping, galloping steed:

Now is the season of Carnival. Who's for the sunlit course? Who's for the beat of galloping feet And the day and the way of the horse? Who joins the dance, tho' Lady Chance Pleasure or pain may yield, Who comes to the call of Carnival? "Seven to four the field!" This is the week of the Carnival And the sign of a brighter dawn In men's affairs. Who sheds old cares Where gay frocks fleck the lawn? Who would forget old days of fret? Who comes to the call of mirth And the conquering steeds? … They're off! Who leads? And the hoof beats spurn the earth. Then, Hi! for the height of Carnival, Gayer than all gone past: And the nameless fears of the deadening years Forsake men's minds at last. Bright jackets flash beneath the sun As the roar of the crowd begins, And lifts and swells at a great home run: "Who leads? Who lasts? Who wins?" Ho! for the call of Carnival! Way for the Sport of Kings! And men, grown sane, turn once again To all that high hope brings. Who's for the Carnival? Who grows gay Where galloping Fortune speeds Around the turn to gallop our way With the galloping, galloping steeds?

[Algy is quoting the poem Carnival Time by the late 19th/early 20th century Australian poet C J Dennis – a poem about the multi-day horse racing event known as the Melbourne Cup Carnival, held in November, and not about carnival in either the sense of a fair, or the time of wild celebration in Christian countries prior to Lent.]

[thewondrousdreamer]

Im properly gonna get hate for this but I need to get this out there. As a Gojo lover and self-shipper I’d like to take a minute to explain how Satoru is so mischaracterized by his fan girls and how you SatoSugu shippers and the jjk fandom as a whole really get on my nerves. Disclaimer even tho im not a SatoSugu shipper I’m not hating on the ship just the fandom. And I don’t want to hear “she only hates SatoSugu bc she ships herself with Gojo. 😡” When in reality I hate all jjk ships bc wtf is Gojo X Megumi & Gojo X Itadori??? First off Gojo RAISED Megumi and his sister like a FATHER. He was their GUARDIAN since they were little kids. Secondly they’re minors Megumi and Itadori are literally 15 and some of y’all are shipping them with a 29 year old man??? That’s crazy and disgusting. Some of y’all are even shipping him with Sukuna the person who killed him and had y’all crying. I don’t even know how that ship makes sense tbh. Satoru is a tragically written character. He was a person with good morals, dreams and ambitions. Ever since he popped out of the womb he was forced to be the strongest bc of his gifts. He didn’t even get to have a childhood bc of that burden. Satoru has witnessed lots of deaths and has more blood on his hands then necessary AND he lost his best friend the person who really understood him the most. Satoru felt alone bc no one tried to get to know him as a person and not just as the strongest. No one even had the human decency to even once ask him if he was okay or even how his day was going. I’m honestly surprised he didn’t do what Geto did and turn villainous bc no one saw him as a person, not his colleagues/peers AND DEFINITELY not his fangirls. He died for sticking to his beliefs and morals. He died trying to protect people and properly felt weak bc not only was he forgotten by his students but his sacrifice wasn’t even acknowledged. He didn’t even really get a burial. But when season 2 came out some y’all really made Satoru’s entire personality about Suguru, His BEST FRIEND. Like I get it, Satoru and Suguru had great chemistry and went well together. They were fire & ice, yin & yang but I honestly don’t see them as nothing more than brothers not to mention the ship is not only overhyped but also over sexualized and it’s fandom is toxic. Like some of you guys are literally on twitter arguing and sending death threats to people who simply don’t like the ship. And are telling other Gojo lovers to off themselves bc they ship him with themselves or their OC’s and it’s not even that deep fr. And don’t even get me started on what some of y’all are doing to the Gojo figurines…. Absolutely disgusting💀. Then you guys literally read the manga and watch the anime not for the plot but just to prove to everyone that Satoru is gay and that it should be canon or just bc Satoru is pretty and y’all see him as ‘daddy 🤢.’ Satoru is also over sexualized for no reason everywhere I go there’s fan art of him sucking off or being balls deep in Suguru or someone either (A. Doing some twisted period blood ritual to his figurine or (B. Someone on tumblr is posting on the ENTIRE INTERNET how badly they want Satoru down their throat with his nut sack against their chin. some of y’all need to touch grass fr bc honestly wtf. It’s the same thing with SatoSugu it’s so sexualized for no reason. If it’s not freaky fanart of them it’s again, more tumblr post of the freaky positions Suguru would have Satoru in bc Satoru is a bottom apparently. I’m not hating on bl or gay ships but like why are they so sexualized? Especially by straight people, straight women to be exact. And not every thing needs to have ships or be gay. Satoru is so stripped out of his character not only bc he’s pretty but bc y’all took his bond with Suguru and made it into something else entirely. Like why can’t two women or two men be best friends without getting shipped together? This happens in real life friendships too. Not only does this ruin the friendship but it takes away from the characters personality. Being in this fandom is tiring and just not fun.

[juyeonszn]

WHAT IS LOVE?

PAIRING ₊˚⊹ lee juyeon x f!reader

GENRES ₊˚⊹ fluff﹒crack﹒angst﹒slice of life

WARNINGS ₊˚⊹ mature language bc even on a different blog i won’t ever change, uni!au, reader is a matchmaker, juyeon plays baseball, lots of kys and kms jokes, sunwoo is an incel, a bunch of lesbian jokes, um one sided pining for a while, like i am absolutely ruthless to reader for a Hot Minute i am so sorry, but it’s okay!!! bc then i’m also ruthless to juyeon, the unrequited love in this series goes crazy, it wouldn’t be a fawn smau without a second lead — so there is a small second lead moment, most of the written parts are full of sheer Angst and i’m not sorry about it, there’s like idol shipping in here ? but it’s for the sake of the plot i swear i don’t condone idol shipping 😭 it’s literally in my carrd, the bullying in this smau goes even crazier, ummm for some reason there are a lot of barbie references towards the end

FEATURING ₊˚⊹ the rest of tbz, soyeon + yuqi from (g)-idle, seonghwa from ateez, lee know from skz, sakura from le sserafim, dahyun + tzuyu from twice, jaehyun from nct and mingyu from seventeen

SUMMARY ₊˚⊹ all is well in the business of matchmaking. except it’s actually not, because lee juyeon, the school’s star baseball player, has just come to you for help in obtaining the girl of his dreams. oh yeah! and he happens to be the guy you’ve had a crush on since your first year of university.

STATUS ₊˚⊹ complete!

BEGINNING ₊˚⊹ august 1st, 2023

ENDING ₊˚⊹ october 19th, 2023

MORE ₊˚⊹ HIIIII hello!!! my first smau on another blog this is crazy ?!!2!!22!!2 fun fact; in case the plot seems familiar, it was an old wip for yeonjunszn that i had for jake from enhypen and decided to scrap for reasons that i do not remember LOL but then it came back to me and i decided to redo it for juyo bc it was so juyo-coded and now we’re here 🤗 send an ask to join the taglist (bc note and dm notifs get swallowed up with the ones from my other blog)!!

PROFILES ₊˚⊹ realize real eyes real lies | ball hitters + the token lesbian | ouran high school host club (+ tzuyu)

ONE ₊˚⊹ i’m the ceo president and chair mama

TWO ₊˚⊹ the hwang yeji incident

THREE ₊˚⊹ i hide and u seek therapy!

FOUR ₊˚⊹ /s or /j

FIVE ₊˚⊹ setting virgins up with other virgins

SIX ₊˚⊹ POSER FAKE FAN

SEVEN ₊˚⊹ #mancrushfriday #mrstealyogirl

EIGHT ₊˚⊹ I HATE WHEN WOMEN ARE RIGHT

NINE ₊˚⊹ the start of a W matchmaking season

TEN ₊˚⊹ ur on THIN ICE JAMAL

ELEVEN ₊˚⊹ Just Like A Doughnut (2.04k)

TWELVE ₊˚⊹ need a comically large piano to fall on top of me

THIRTEEN ₊˚⊹ hit tweet follow me 🙌🙏

FOURTEEN ₊˚⊹ what the bell are u talking about

FIFTEEN ₊˚⊹ THAT WAS A CRY FOR HELP

SIXTEEN ₊˚⊹ chest heavy eyes misty

SEVENTEEN ₊˚⊹ they laugh at me cause i’m emo

EIGHTEEN ₊˚⊹ sangyeon boyfriend material era

NINETEEN ₊˚⊹ Blocked and Reported for threatening language

TWENTY ₊˚⊹ A Hole In The Shape Of You (2.17k)

TWENTY ONE ₊˚⊹ men against song yuqi

TWENTY TWO ₊˚⊹ i thought we were friends.

TWENTY THREE ₊˚⊹ u think i’m pretty??? 🥰

TWENTY FOUR ₊˚⊹ for research purposes

TWENTY FIVE ₊˚⊹ The Middle Of My Heart (1.60k)

TWENTY SIX ₊˚⊹ AND THE CROWD GOES WILD

TWENTY SEVEN ₊˚⊹ to me it was

TWENTY EIGHT ₊˚⊹ clown to clown communication

TWENTY NINE ₊˚⊹ A Space Just For You (2.05k)

THIRTY ₊˚⊹ THE JUYEON THERAPY FUND

THIRTY ONE ₊˚⊹ is this pic AI generated

THIRTY TWO ₊˚⊹ i’m gay…

THIRTY THREE ₊˚⊹ 11:11 make a wish

THIRTY FOUR ₊˚⊹ Our Love Loop (2.62k)

THIRTY FIVE ₊˚⊹ graduated from bitchless university

© juyeonszn. do not steal, claim, or repost.

[fandoms--fluff]

Hi?? Soo I have an idea

How about an one where reader gets kidnapped and is like in the brink of death but, Hope comes to the rescue just in time and gives R her blood in the last second (but maybe everyone thinks that reader is already dead because we need the angst). Meanwhile R gets to meet Klaus, Hayley and Elijah and have a good time with them but then, R heard Hope's voice calling out to her to come back and that she loves her but before leaving R gets Klaus and Hayley approval.

When R wakes up she's all happy and shit to get her in-laws approval ((Hope probably will think how dork she is.

-K

Jokes On You, Death

Flufftober, October 20th

Female vampire reader x Hope Mikaelson

Warnings: mentions of drinking

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"No, no, no, come on!" Hope kneels by your body laying on the ground. She killed the group of vampires that kidnapped you just a moment ago. She had tried giving you blood just before your eyes closed, but you didn't wake.

"Please, wake up! Y/n, come on, don't leave me! Okay?!" Hope exclaims, trying to do CPR on you. She has tears streaming down her face.

You open your eyes, looking around your surroundings. Your eyebrows furrow as you stand up. "What the..." You whisper to yourself.

You start walking around the empty mystic falls, it looks gloomy and dark. "Is this a damn prison world or something?" You ask yourself. You walk into the mystic grill.

"Okay, not a prison world," You tell yourself again. There are three people sitting at the counter, one woman and two men. They turn towards you, their eyebrows all raised, seeing a teenage girl standing in front of them.

"Um, Hi?" you do a tiny hand wave before going into the backroom. You remember hearing about the storage room back there having an entrance to the underground tunnels, and this is a good time to explore, you think.

You walk back out a minute later. "Okay, no tunnel in weird different universe" you talk to yourself again, going behind the counter.

As you pour a drink of whisky, they're still all staring at you. You look up at them, an eyebrow raised. "What?" you look at them for a second before recognition lights up in your eyes.

"Oh, you're Hope's parents and uncle. She has a picture of you guys with her as a baby on her nightstand" You put it together before downing your drink.

"You know Hope?" Hayley asks, eyes lit up. "Yep," You answer, pouring more into your glass.

"How do you know her" Klaus' protectiveness is surfacing. "Don't have to get all Papa bear on me, I know her from school. Well her school, I don't actually go to classes, I just annoy Ric while waiting for her to get back and ya know that stuff" You say. They all stare at you blankly. "She's my girlfriend. We're dating." You deadpan.

"You're dating?" Elijah's the one to break the silence. "Yep, and don't overthink it, people don't hang you anymore for being gay. If they did, I'd be way dead by now" You finished your drink.

"You guys are- were happy?" Hayley swallows a lump in her throat. "Yeah, of course we are. What do you mean by 'were'?" Your eyebrows furrow, pointing your finger in question.

"Well, sweetie, uh, you're on the other side" Hayley softly tells you.

"Those jackasses killed me? Damn it" you groan before pausing. "Hope's still there, fuck" you say and walk out of the grill. You make your way to the moldy, old, blood-covered dungeon. The three of them follow you, worried. They surprisingly have to work pretty hard to keep up with how fast you're going to get there.

Some way you can now apparently see Hope kneeling next to your body, crying. "Shit" You whisper. You realize all the vampires are dead, so that's a good thing.

"She's going to be okay, don't worry" Hope steps up to you, hand gently placed on your shoulder. "I think she really loves you," Hayley tells you. You look up at her, shock taking over your face.

Before you can reply, you start having a tingle run through your body. "What's going on?" Klaus asks, seeing your body shaking and your confused face. "I don't know, feel's as if my body is being pulled through something, oh my god" Your head snaps to the scene of Hope and see your fingers from your body moving exactly how you're moving them right now.

"Make sure she's happy," Klaus tells you, a small smile playing on his face. You nod, and the next second your body is pulled back into the living plane into your other actual body.

You gasp for air, sitting up. Hope wraps her arms around your body and pulls you to her chest. "Oh my god, I thought you were dead" Hope's voice wavers. You gently pull away and pull her back into your arms instead.

She softly shakes and nuzzles her face into the nape of your neck. "Technically I kinda was, but now I'm back. And I love you so so much" You play with her hair. "I love you too" Hope whispers.

"Why don't we get out of here and when we get back to your room, boy do I have a story for you" You stand up with her and link your arms. "Sounds good" Hope smiles and wipes her tears away.

"You're way too smiley. Should I be worried?" Hope raises an eyebrow. "Nah, I think you're good" You guys walk out the door, the sun starting to set.

[notebookqueenofnarnia]

Okay Demigods

now that Season 2 has been confirmed (!!!!!!!!!!) I am here to make my official appeal that you ALL read the books. and yes...i mean ALL the books. Because here is what you are missing if you don't:

(mostly spoiler free. mostly vibes and chaotic no context)

OG PERCY JACKSON

Percy's INCREDIBLE sarcasm

Lots of chaotic Mr. D moments

Percy's unending absolute obliviousness when it comes to: his own abilities/powers, his own feelings towards a certain daughter of Athena, and EVERYONE'S feelings towards him

the full list of Percy's felonies (it's longer than you think!)

how much Percy thinks about Annabeth, especially in the third book

The Hunters of Artemis (everyone's like 'which godly parent would you have?' but im like ??? who cares??? I'm running off with the girls to immortal to hunt men i mean monsters)

soooooooooo much Sally Jackson is the Best Mom (to everyone who walks through her door) content

BLACKJACK. TRANS ICON BLACKJACK THE PEGASUS.

Rachel. Elizabeth. Dare. (this is how the audiobook says her name every single time)

Paul Blofis

Sally Jackson, author

Poseidon: Blowfish?

HEROES OF OLYMPUS

If you don't read these books you are missing out on some of the coolest female characters Rick has created: PIPER (an iconic), HAZEL (unintentionally hilarious), REYNA (beautiful character arc), and ANNABETH's point of view will have you loving her on a whole other level, trust me

Also: COACH HEDGE

Leo

All The Ladies Love Leo

the audiobooks are INSANE. It felt like a full cast read the book, but no. it was just one insanely talented narrator.

FESTUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS (im a dragon girlie)

Personally, I spent a lot of time reading the OG 5 wondering about how Roman mythology plays into Percy's world. Uncle Rick answered my questions and answered them SO WELL

Hazel the horse girl

Frank the horsebirddolphinman

Frank, gentle himbo, my beloved son

MY FAVORITE SCENE WHICH INVOLVES PERCY NOT KNOWING HOW TO DRIVE, A HARPY, FRANK, AND HAZEL AND THEYRE ALL SCREAMING AND IM PRETTY SURE STUFF IS ON FIRE

Forced Proximity for 7 teenagers and one chaotically violent satyr (that's Coach Hedge)

Eros/Cupid being one the most genius things Rick's ever written

Percy's hate of Ares transcending god magic

(also his love of Annabeth, but that's like obvious)

PercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabethPercabe

weird barely gnome things

this one giant whose name is definitely not pronounced like female anatomy

everyone thinking Percy and Annabeth are constantly getting up to the hanky panky

a statue made me cry

Gay Grumpy/Sunshine (or should that be Death/Sunshine) origins!!

TRIALS OF APOLLO

Apollo, vain himbo of godly proportions is forced to live as Lester Papadopoulos

Percy: why

a very chaotic twelve year old daughter of Demeter

she commands Apollo around

plant magic

terrible great haikus at the start of every chapter

Sally Jackson being the best mom to everyone who comes to her door

magic shoes

a sassy magic prophetic arrow that talks in Shakespearean English

so much gay grumpydeath/sunshine content

also yes sunshine's dad is Apollo

Apollo sings

Grover! Piper! Reyna! Hazel! All the friends! Everyone

Jason! (also im sorry)

what if there were some trees who were an elite squad of warriors who also answer to the chaotic twelve year old

gay moms of the midwest

unicorns

in the last book, chiron takes the campers on a 'field trip' to help take down the big baddie and he shows up dressed as a warrior soccer mom with granola bars, water bottles, and extra swords attached to his fanny pack

a different chaotic twelve year old while fighting to the death in a building that's on fire: "CAN WE GO ON FIELD TRIPS EVERY WEEK?"

chiron: "ROSE DEAR RAISE YOUR SWORD A LITTLE HIGHER!"

okay im not going to spoil it but in the last book there is also this extremely horrifyingly violent moment that Uncle Rick somehow turns into one of the most hilarious things i've ever read

Piper in the epilogue

CHALICE OF THE GODS

more insanely funny percy first person narration

Grover, Percy, Annabeth reunite ("the gang is back together!" "The three musketeers!" "Shrek, Fiona, and Donkey!" "Excuse me?")

have you met the god of himbos? (Percy has)

SO

MANY

EASTER

EGGS

for Season one. you can totally see how Uncle Rick worked on the script and chalice together

if you liked Annabeth shoving Percy into the water....this one is for you

Percy, supreme god of snakes

the cutest cutest cutest cutest Percabeth content you will ever read

hippie gods (yes more than one)

Percy is literally obsessed with Annabeth

Annabeth already being the Jackson daughter in law

Sally Jackson and Paul and

For the record: You CAN read Chalice of the Gods without reading the other series, but please please please read all these books. The audiobooks are phenomenal.