#funny dnd story

[foldingfittedsheets]

DMing is hard. I acknowledge this. Weaving a story with words for long periods of time means you’re gonna say something silly sometimes when your brain blips. And it’s not your fault that it’s so silly that your players share it around turning it into an inside joke, immortalizing your brain fart moment forever.

My DM was narrating a scene between our tiefling rogue and the NPC she was romancing. He was trying to set the mood for their first kiss, up on a tower overlooking the city, looking into each others eyes. They’d just been on a romantic date, there was a bottle of wine between them. And this was their moment.

The NPC leaned in to kiss the rogue and the kiss was, according to our DM, “long and normal.”

The entire session went off the rails. We became ungovernable creatures of hilarity. How long is normal?

We are informed normal is six seconds and we devolve even further into chaotic paroxysm of laughter. The DM desperately tried to rein us in but for the rest of the session everything took a long and normal amount of time.

My betrothed and I would kiss each other while counting to six in our heads then declare afterward, “Ah yes! Long and normal!”

I accidentally told my school team about it, reasoning that they’d at least never meet the DM who lives out of state. They’d say we needed the scene to be the long and normal length, or hold a pose for a long and normal time.

At the end of the year I invited them to my house for a celebratory meal and was surprised when my DM joined the DnD video call early. My teammates looked at him, expressions slowly spreading into evil grins. “Long and normal!” They greeted him.

He turned a look upon me of utter betrayal while I hustled them out of my house.

“It’s been a year!” He cried at the unfairness.

“Maybe it’ll phase out by next year,” I told him.

[tofu-bento-box]

a fun trend i’ve noticed on tumblr: if izek strazini has hair, the DM has made him redeemable. if he’s bald, he stays evil. i have yet to see a redeemable bald izek or an evil hair-having izek.

[solitary-bones]

so dndads live show St Paul! idk how much of this is a spoiler for anyone else going to shows so I'ma cut here!

we had!

- so many gay people in the audience that as I was walking in to the venue I said to my friend damn this is like a pride parade and a bunch of gay people in front of me were like TRUEE

- a live performance of both! dead and gone and rocks rock! it was so incredible. Beth and Will both POPPED OFFF!!!!!! they were so cool oh my god. and Freddie fucking shredded it on the electric guitar it was so sick.

- silly St Paul themed dad facts plus Ron just uhh thinking all manual labor is called a hand job.

- the people royally fucking up the dice roll (not my fault I was in the balcony I cannot be held responsible)

- the people absolutely manifesting the complete improv prompt as the live show topic. and all of the cast going into mourning over it (will fell to his knees on the stage so dramatically it was so funny)

- the cast deciding to do a DND game with their characters! Starring: Will Campos as Henry oak as Mr Chris (later Dr Chris), by the book health inspector! Matt Arnold as Darryl Wilson as Darryl, ex football quarterback now accomplished priest searching to remember all 10 commandments! Beth may as Ron stampler as Nor Relpmats, doctor (the best health inspector of them all)! and Freddie Wong as Glenn Close as Glenn The Closer, weed enjoyer moonlighting as a health inspector relying on his gut! Anthony Burch as Patrick as Patrick the shit (among other characters)!

- the audience not being able to stop being horny when giving suggestions for what their location, bad guy, and theme were gonna be (bdsm dungeon, just a guy from the audience named Patrick, and a 10 commandments dildo)

- an abundance of flashbacks and one single flashforward

- butt spanking competition to get past the second door (it is a bdsm castle ig)

-mr Chris tests to see if the floor has been cleaned recently and thinks it hasn't. Glenn the closers gut says it's fine but Mr Chris says if he tastes some of what's on the ground he'll be able to tell better. Glenn the Closer bites his fingers and Mr Chris is into it.

- Mr Chris finding a dead cockroach on the ground and revives it using CPR and mouth to mouth (Anthony is the cockroach and also when will tried to fake the mouth to mouth yelled DO IT PUSSY so yeah they actually kissed like twice at least) and revived it to ask about the cleanliness of the floor and found it not very.

- none other than paeden bennets on the second level, who Darryl proceeded to obliterate with a holy football. I'm not lying (not before asking how Patrick the DM knew about their friend Paeden who was long dead and us getting a lively npc on npc scene by Anthony of Patrick meeting Paeden and getting punched in the balls and saying "I'll never forget you")

- Test by the health inspectors to see if the blood of paeden would get cleaned up. all of the soots from spirited away came in with little mops to clean it and cleaned all the party. Glenn rolled to see if he's into it and got a 9 but the crowd gave inspiration and he got a 6, which is 69 so he was and wanted to stay there forever with the soots. Henry as Mr Chris used his persuasion to get Glenn the closer to leave the soots by saying that whatever they're doing he could do it better. because apparently they're ex lovers now. (Anthony yelled something about Will wanting to kiss another boy)

- Flashback reveals that they were highschool sweethearts but were going to health inspection schools on opposite sides of the US and were talking about how their relationship would progress from there when Mr Chris' secret lover barges in and informs them that they're pregnant and he's the father! Glenn the Closer gets upset and asks what happened and Mr Chris proceeds to another, extremely graphic, flashback where Ron the doctor commentates the uhhh conceiving of said child. and Glenn is understandably upset at the graphicness of this explanation about being cheated on. They end with bitter words, stating they're now nemesis in health inspection.

- Nor asks Mr Chris how long it's been since he saw his son Patrick. (not since birth lmao)

- they go up to the final level, find Patrick using the commandment dildo, on the 8th one I think, and upon seeing his absent father run in and ask "are ya winning, son!?"gets extremely turned off. he understandably asks what he's doing there after being absent his whole life. Mr Chris explains that he's finally ready to be back in his life, with his husband Glenn the closer, and his newfound belief in Christianity from Darryl the priest who's really good at football.

- Flashforward to Mr Chris and Glenn the Closer living together and apparently "they're bougie enough to have their own priest" so Darryl lives with them too. Nor comes to visit and we see the commandment dildo hanging above the mantle.

and that's that on that.

[hellishfig]

just finished www #23: on your way, and i have many thoughts. all of them make me want to cry.

ame knowing as soon as she got back to the cottage that her actions had burned a bridge, not just with the citadel but with one of her best friends, and yet still needing to complete her tasks as the witch of the world's heart. the spirits she awakens so as not to leave the cottage untended or unprotected, and the way she asks and does not take. the note she leaves, should her friends make it there.

eursulon in the fire, followed by the man in black, who is a brother in the way all spirits are brethren, but not the sibling eursulon seeks. leaving through the burrow, fighting monstrosities, and seeing the citadel raze cities to ruin beside a jungle of rot. finding the tree. his tree. the tree that is emblazoned on his shield, his coat of arms, what he fights to protect. and inside... his sister. a family she made for herself.

and suvi. hurt but still afraid that ame will die if she stays. determined to not let that happen. conversations with steel where she says that another wizard said that the wizard sly lied, or did not tell the full truth. commiseration, but suvi holds back the full truth, and suspects steel of doing the same. an airship to fly north. to protect ame, yes. but the mage armor mean that no creature or spirit or witch will ever be able to touch her again. broken trust, if not broken love.

and through it all, the thread that the citadel represents a threat to the world's heart itself, and to all spirits beyond. the council of elders wishes to neutralize that threat. grandmother wren did not.

questions moving forward: what is the true purpose of the war on gaothmai being waged by the empire? why does kalaya's family look like suvi? is suvi going to have a villain arc? i have my theories, but i'll get into those in other posts.

thank you to the worlds beyond number cast and crew for giving us this incredible story. i'm so excited to see where you take us next.

[zellk]

Forgot to share here.... old doodles of when I finally came around to finding a design I like for Qalaari's mom !!

[illarian-rambling]

Also, random funny story, but I just found out about this chain of events and it's been making me laugh all night

So, way back during my last dnd campaign, I played a wild magic barb named Tiany. Now, Tiany had a very specific wave that I liked to incorporate into roleplay. Arm fully extended, hand waving like a windshield wiper in a storm, very excited. This was very fun to do at the dm whenever she spotted monarchs or bbegs she'd decided were her friends.

Anyways, cut to a year later, we're in a whole new campaign and we've gone out of food after a session. One of the other players tells me that he actually picked up Tiany's wave and does it irl sometimes, which like, same here, it's fun. BUT IT GETS BETTER!

Apparently, at the company this guy works at, they get a lot of businessmen from Japan. And he's accidentally done Tiany's wave at these Japanese businessmen enough times that they've started to pick it up and do it too. So now I can't stop laughing at the thought of these serious Japanese businessmen doing my barbarian's goofy little toddler wave at each other. Sometimes, the world is good 👍

[a2zillustrations]

When your uncle serves a goddess who’s a little protective over you and tends to possess him to assert that authority

[i-am-trans-gwender]

I had a dream last night where I was in a black void and Gary Gygax as an angel appeared before me. He told me that he was okay with people using Dungeons and Dragons to do Satanic rituals. What he was not okay with was Dungeon Master's putting their fetishes in the games because it made Asmodeus more powerful.

[steamclouds]

@laiostoudenn's Othello, and Voradras! Multiversal besties <3

[frostytherobot]

Mike!! Is a former dice boy!!!

[boos-gh0st]

Thinking about in stars and time

[foldingfittedsheets]

So tonight in DnD. I have laughed harder than I have in a very very long time.

As background knowledge, we have an “Oops All Dragons” party. We’re modified young dragons so it’s not a huge advantage but at this point three fourths of the party are dragons.

We get called in to usurp two warlords. The setting is like fantasy mad max desert. One warlord was a warlock, the other a centaur fighter. Our first plan was that our dragons would dye themselves a different color to pretend to be rogue dragons and attack the city. They would take out the warlord. Then our bunnyfolk barbarian was gonna run in and take us down afterward to become the figurehead for the city.

But when we turned up the warlord had a pact with a demon who threatened that if we didn’t throw the fight he’d destroy the town with meteors. We started trying to scope out the magical trigger for the threatened spell. Our cleric-dragon started trying to sense magic.

After swooping all over the town we realized the magic was centered on the warlord. But we didn’t know for sure. And one dragon swooping close was just gonna be a target. So I said, “Hey… this one time my younger siblings loosed their… feces… after a dive”

The resulting hilarity took a while to calm down but finally the DM was like, “You want to try to blind him with your shit?”

Yes. Yes we did. But none of the dragons wanted to be the only one raining shit. It was embarrassing. So we decided that all three of us would try this gambit.

My dragon went, they doused him with a face full of poop but didn’t blind him. The Druid-dragon went next and did similarly well.

But he got the jump on the cleric-dragon, and furious, covered in dragon shit, he cast a fireball at her. Unfortunately for him, she has the ability to steal a spell. So the fireball launched then sling shotted straight back into his face.

There he was. A steaming flaming pile of burning shit. And then she shit on him too.

My dragon managed to dispel the rune circle we’d detected with the gambit, and he fled into the crowd to be torn apart by his oppressed people.

Then we did a WWE style fight with our barbarian and he managed to almost kill our Druid on accident and the dragons fled on schedule.

Success- after a fashion! We usurped the guy and shit all over the town.

There’s a second warlord we need to target. We decide what’s a little identity theft so our cleric posed as a grunt we’d killed previously called “The Haboob Wraith.” A haboob is genuinely a desert sandstorm but it was hilarious regardless.

We roll into town deciding to duplicate our piggyback tactics from the last one on one fight we had. The party was escorted into a champions tent and presented with the finest things before their fight to the death. The finest thing in this case is…. Milk.

We all paused and out of character said, “Did you just say milk?”

“Yeah! Like nice cow milk! It’s rare in the desert!”

I lost my fucking shit that the finest thing on offer was milk. So the Haboob Wraith strode into combat with a stomach full of milk.

The centaur warlord said, "I hope you've prayed to your gods, you're about to meet them."

"The gods pray to ME!" she shouted and went on to slaughter him.

We installed a second puppet warlord and rode off into the sunset, all of us staggered by the utter silliness of the whole session, and said goodnight with many a shit pun.

[the-ninjago-historian]

Guys! Super Powers with Consequences!

I'm bored today. Have this tomfoolery.

Power: Super Speed🏃 / Consequence: Your Talk In Slow Motion

Power: Force Field Generation ✨ / Consequence: Your Get Bad Gas

Power: X-ray vision 🩻 / Consequence: You Become Hard of Hearing

Power: Super Strength 🏋️ / Consequence: You smell awful. Also your joints are stiff.

Power: Fire Bending 🔥 / Consequence: Bad Heart Burn

Power: Ice Bending ❄️ / Consequence: Huge Brain Freeze

Power: Psychic Abilities 🧠 / Consequence: All the thoughts you hear are in a different language than the one you speak

Power: Invisibility 🫥 / Consequence: It only works if you faint

Power: Ability to Grow Giant 🦒 / Consequence: You get Helium Voice when in use

Feel free to add on to this. Or use them for something. I don't know.😂

[thatonenewdungeonmaster]

It's my birthday!!!

Share your best and worst dnd moments! The ones that made you laugh, you cry. Even the unimaginable horrors you've beheld at the table. I want it all! I love reading about other's ttrpg adventures, so go buck-wild and share!

[rexcaliburechoes]

does gale know that he's appreciated? does he know that he's loved? does he know that he's funny and witty and charming and worthwhile as a companion because of his simple existence? does he know that there is fulfillment in following the ambition to live? does he know? can he see the paths laid before him, the paths he is destined to walk, some that end in his death, others that continue on with his life, does he understand the ramifications of his choices, does he understand how his choices have affected the other companions' courses just by asking for a hand?

does he understand how the act of taking his hand grounds him in reality, towards a brighter future?

of course he doesn't; he's a fictional character and he only knows thst he sees in front of him and that is his death several feet ahead of him. he is entangled in the fabric of the universe like a moth in a spider's web, the strands of his ambitions and regrets clinging, gossamer thin yet sticky and strong, holding him fast to the paths that rip him in too many directions.

all he needs is a little push into the spider's maw or free to fly and live another day.

[lekrow]

Hey, y'all! I'm super excited to finally share a peek of a piece I've been hard at work on for weeks and weeks: it's my contribution to the Queer OC Zine 2024!! 👀 And of course it's Decimus. This bad boy's made entirely of gouache and the colors are so funky and fun. It'll be a while yet until I can share the full picture--with all the collage parts hehe--but I can't wait for y'all to see it! (Also this is my first time doing anything for a zine, I'm STOKED 🤠🤠)

Of course, I'm just one of dozens of other artists and all of us worked super hard with the stellar folks at @queeroc-zine to share our lil blorbos. The art and writing coming out of this project has been absolutely delicious and 😎 pre-Orders are available right now right here! Get one! More info is here. (Proceeds are going to charity for queer refugees!! 🩷)

If you're interested, check out @queeroc-zine for updates/info and to peep some of the other amazing talent on this project! And consider spreading posts about the zine around cuz it's for charity and it supports queer artists 🥰