#forcing a child to act like a parent

[furiousgoldfish]

i hit a breaking point with my sister recently. shes only 12 but shes a preteen so of course shes a bit more work than i would expect. my parents were out the house, and i cared for her like i have for years when theyre out. i even help with my older brother, but back when he wasnt 18, when he was 17 and younger!

she got mad at me for taking too long to shower, then for "looking mean", then she yelled at me for not making her the food my mom makes.

I regret what i did but i talked back. i told her i wasnt mom, im just a girl. i tried the gentle parenting thing, even read my old parenting book i bought when i turned 11!! i still couldnt control what came out my mouth, i was cold to her. i said "fine, you don't have to like it, or me just stop fucking yelling at me like im your mom. im 16 not mama. im still a kid"

she told my parents and they didnt even know what to do, my sister WANTED me in trouble, but instead my parents just ate a silent dinner last night and tonight.

im not a mom, im just a 16 year old person trying to be a good person for the piece of intolerable idiocy of my sister. i love her, but shes so annoying.

I'm not sure what to say, you were right about saying you were a 16 year old, and not your sister's caretaker. Your parents obviously put you in a role of parenting your sister, and you tried so hard, so it's no wonder your temper ran out when all that hard work was met with unpleasantness and lack of gratitude, but this is because your parents put you in a role you were never meant to be in. You're not an adult, you're not supposed to be expected to have researched parenting and to figure out the best way to parent your sister, this is insane that they asked this of you.

What they've done is called 'parentification', and it's putting a child into a role of a parent, expecting them to have their problems figured out on their own and on top of that to care for their siblings, and sometimes even the parents themselves. This puts the immense pressure on a child to keep peace, make everyone happy, appear to have no troubles, no issues of their own, and then also so quickly grow up that they can effectively care for their siblings, have endless patience, do tasks perfectly and take on responsibilities they were not trained or developed enough to do.

You are not supposed to be burdened with all this, you're supposed to be chasing your own interests and hobbies, have free time and enjoy yourself, figure out how to fit with your own peers, have friendships and first relationships, you're not supposed to be burdened with parenting and making everyone in your house happy. You're supposed to be cared for.

So I don't think you've done anything wrong, and it is alarming that your younger sister wanted to get you in trouble - it sounds like she's already realized you're at the end of made up 'hierarchy' of who is supposed to be blamed for everything, so she took advantage to affirm that her place is above you, and that you will be punished if she isn't pleased with you - which has to be immensely painful for you, who worked so hard to try and parent your sister.

She is 12 and just absorbing whatever her environment is telling her, and I actually don't know enough about 12-year-olds to say if her actions were normal or messed up at that stage, I can tell that they hurt you and that it wasn't fair towards you.

Your parents seem to have done absolutely nothing to resolve this situation, to comfort you, or to parent their own 12 year old, which makes this even worse, to know that when you're at the end of your rope and no longer know or can do anything, that even then they will not pitch in and act like adults and resolve a painful situation, or to even comfort you after an incident. I'm really sorry you're in this situation, you shouldn't be. I know this happens a lot, people have children and then think it's an easy out just to leave to the older children to parent the younger, it's not a cool trick, it's neglect and burdening children with their own responsibilities. I hope one day you experience what it's like to be free of responsibilities like this, and to know that it's not your job to raise children you didn't have - even though in this case I understand you love your little sister and you're ready to take on a lot of burdens just to make her life easier. It's still not fair, and this burden shouldn't be put on your shoulders.

If anyone else can relate to this situation or knows some good words to say, please add to this post. I didn't have a personal experience like this, so I probably am not the best person to make comments on judgment on it, hearing other people's experiences might help.

[gxlden-angels]

Bro I hate fundamentalists and culturally-fundie parents they'll say shit like "spare the rod spoil the child am I right haha yea my parents used to have to beat my ass with a switch almost everyday but I sure did learn my lesson" but like??? no you didn't??? you were hit multiple times for something you very obviously did not, in fact, learn

Like studies about how harmful even lightly spanking children is aside, you're literally contradicting yourself?? Some even admitted they got worse as they got older cause they wanted to see how far they could push their parents before they got punished

And studies not aside, you're gonna get child raising advice from the same book that tells you to stone your wife if her hymen doesn't break on your wedding night instead of the decades of research we have now?? Just say you're a bad parent and move on my guy. Skill issue

[greenapplebling]

I am once again asking people to stop assigning family roles to found family. It beats the point of having a found family in the first place

Also: "this character is a mom friend" ≠ "this character is the mom of the group"

One implies the friend is naturally caring, nurturing and thoughtful. While the other implies there's an assigned person in the group who gets emotionally burdened by people of their same age range to act like their mom

[bacchuschucklefuck]

the boy-but-not-that-way-ism of riz gukgak send tweet

[bumblingbabooshka]

Tuvok & Seven of Nine should have been overbearing co-parents to the borg children

[agalychnisspranneusroseus]

RiAAU Sasha's complicated relationship with her adoptive parents, Percy and Braddock, stems from an awkward mixture of unconditional love, resentment over their inability to protect her from Grime in her childhood, and their fear of what she's become.

[uncanny-tranny]

I really wish there was more insight as to why children are "picky eaters" because the way people go about "fixing us" can be detrimental to our relationship with food.

When I was a kid, I was obviously neurodivergent, and I wasn't tested for anything and never received any support. I was a huge "picky eater" to the point that going to a new restaurant with a menu I didn't know would send me into panic mode. I didn't understand why I felt that way, I didn't understand that I wasn't a selfish, horrible kid for being unable to force myself to eat. I'd be the person sitting at the dining room table for hours because I just couldn't force myself to eat the food I was given.

I understand why parents do that. It can be concerning when you think your kid isn't getting the proper nutrition. It's concerning when a kid's pallete is overly shrunk down. But if you're going about it in a punishing way, you only reinforce the idea that food is bad and dangerous. And if a child knows that eating their food would cause them less grief and stress than not eating the food, and yet they still will not or cannot eat, that's a sign. Maybe work with children, try to understand why they're a "picky eater." Chances are they're not doing it because they personally want to spite you and they despise your very aura.

[fayevalcntine]

The whole "Claudia is now his sister"/Louis' sibling comparisons are never gonna sit right with me because that's never going to erase the fact that Claudia exists as a vampire partly because of him. Their relationship will never have this clearly defined role of siblings in the same manner Louis had with Grace or Paul, even if he was their older brother and was implicitly given the role of providing for them as the successor and manager of his family's estate. Because Louis was never responsible in part for their creation, the reason why they existed the way that they do in terms of behavior and life itself.

It also makes his betrayal of her all the more heartbreaking in ways that him and Grace drifting apart never will. He was her father, and didn't provide emotional support for her. She had to turn the tables and try to assume the role of being on an equal level because of this failure but this doesn't make him not choosing her any less painful than it did the first time. Even as they shift roles, take or give emotional responsibility one has towards the other, the fact that Claudia exists the way she does because of him and Lestat will always be there.

[basu-shokikita]

maybe i have not seen the content people complain about but when i see talks about the fandom infantilizing toki i'm confused cause like...didn't canon start that...with every passing season toki become more and more child-like until age regression was essentially confirmed in aotd...

[trickstarbrave]

I think it’s funny as a child that I hated pickles, onions, and mustard but now I rly do love all of those a lot

[anaalnathrakhs]

wait, 8 years old kid, you can be alone all day but we'll drive all the mandatory stuff ourselves! wait, 12 years old kid, you're too independant! wait, 14 years old kid, come sit with us instead! wait, 17 years old kid, i'll take the car and pick you up 800 meters away from home! wait, 18 years old kid, don't you know how difficult and hard and painful it was for us when you didn't do activities you don't like with us, back then!

wait, 18 years old kid, i don't understand why you're not more independant if you want it so badly, after all it's normal at your age!

[minamotoz]

do NOT talk to me i just remembered how tragic of a character kc guthrie is

[ntaras]

someday i will rescue syzoth’s wife and son from the fridge

[akkivee]

this is probably a strange thing to wonder lol but i wonder if jakurai has alive parents 🤔

[nomaishuttle]

like pirating is so normal 2 me i forget there r ppl who r like antipiracy which btw is stupid. obviously

[tenshindon]

He does Mistreat trunks at first by full on hitting him in the face, but if Piccolo can do what he did to Gohan in the Sayain Saga then it’s not unforgivable. Piccolo never took Gohan to a fair (Also I’m not one of those passive aggressive people who hate piccolo I’m just trying to make a point)

the real crime here was that piccolo never took gohan to a fair 😔