#pair that to the fact Sasha is the one who remembers Earth the most and the one who wants to go back the most

[agalychnisspranneusroseus]

RiAAU Sasha's complicated relationship with her adoptive parents, Percy and Braddock, stems from an awkward mixture of unconditional love, resentment over their inability to protect her from Grime in her childhood, and their fear of what she's become.

[forestwater87]

Every episode of Camp Camp ranked: A very (non)objective list

It's well past the time of year when Season 5 of Camp Camp would've dropped. I fully understand and support it not coming out; the crew's health and safety are much more important than a comfort show.

However . . . man, would it be nice to have some comfort right now.

So I'm reliving the entire series! I've been known to share with the world a whole bunch of Spicy Hot Takes, but I've never really sat down and talked about my feelings about the show as a whole. 

And what's the best way to do that? Well, just ask Jenny Nicholson: a numbered list! That is, here's the series ranked from worst episode to best, because I want to get the negativity out of the way early and focus on everything I love (and because people enjoy complaining, so let’s frontload all that). 

The takes will be hot. The feelings will be intense. The post, I'm assuming, will be largely unread.

Let's do it!

Oh and duh, there are spoilers. I tried to keep it pretty chill, but you’ll want to have watched the whole show or just not care about spoilers before going forward.

Also slashes in the middle of “naughty words” are meant to prevent this from being kept out of the main tags. Who knows if it’ll work? I don’t.

60. Who Peed the Lake? (Season 4, epis/sode 3)

Ah, good ol' Pi/ss Lake (or as @hopefullypessimistic84​ calls it because she's funnier than any of us will ever be, “Pis/s Fe/tish Dot Com”). Terrible, one of the few I’d consider nigh unwatchable. I actually kind of love this episode for being such great shorthand for "the absolute worst one."

Who signed off on an entire episode centered around Sherlock Holmes meets a bad om/o joke? Give me names and addresses: I just want to talk.

59. Reigny Day (Season 1, episode 6)

And nobody was surprised.

I'll admit I'm more willing to defend this episode than many people, but it's not . . . like, good. It seemed okay when there were only 11 other episodes to compare it to, but now that there have been so many bangers, this comes across as extremely weak. 

And let’s just say the Na/zi jokes hit a lot differently in 2020 than they did in the summer of 2016.

I’m overall happy with the direction the showrunners have moved Dolph’s character in, and I can’t totally blame them for using a kind of humor that was fairly common in the pre-Trump era, but yikes, this has aged like milk. And it wasn’t even very funny at the time, so it aged like milk that was already pretty bad to begin with.

58. Squirrel Camp (Season 4, episode 10)

This is a dumb one.

Not much else to say; it’s just kinda stupid and lame.

57. Fashion Victims (Season 4, episode 13)

I love Sasha, but this is filler. Which isn’t in itself a bad thing -- I have a couple episodes near the top that could reasonably be called filler, and a valid argument could easily be made that “filler episodes” don’t actually exist in a show with no plot -- but as much as I adore the Flower Scouts and enjoy the handful of good moments we get in this episode . . . who cares? Does anyone really give a sh/it about anything that happens here? Does anyone get their life from this one?

I didn’t think so.

56. Foreign Exchange Campers (Season 3, episode 3)

I know, I know, your Russian waifu came from this episode. Why do you think it’s so low on this list?

Okay, for real: this is . . . fine. It’s fine. It’s fine? I’m not mad at it, it just feels tonally incongruous and not very memorable beyond the fact that the fandom got really weird and kinda gross about Vera. But the episode itself? There’s some cute stuff with Neil and Nikki being jealous, but for the most part it’s a big hunk of white bread with some super mild white cheese that’s kinda soggy from sitting in a bag for too long and getting all condensation-y. 

That is to say: it’s fine.

ETA: Space Kid does say “fu/ck.” I can’t decide if that’s a point in the episode’s favor or against it.

This is the last of what I’d call the “bad” episodes. Everything after this ranges from mediocre to mind-blowingly amazing. But whatever our failing tier of Camp Camp episodes is, it stops right about here. 

Onto the good stuff!

55. Night of the Living Ill (Season 2 Halloween episode)

I keep switching this with “Eggs Benefits,” which probably means they should be tied. But whatever, this is my list and I am in charge and I’ve finally decided, after like 5 changes, that I like this one a little bit less.

It’s a fun Romero parody with nothing I’d call bad. Really this one’s only so low on the list because I think it’s kinda icky, and looking at those green snotty faces makes me queasy. If you think this is a bad reason to put it near the bottom of the list, then make your own post.

54. Cameron Campbell Can't Handle the Truth Serum (Season 4, episode 11)

I . . . don’t remember this at all. I initially had it a bit higher because I tend to love things with Campbell in them, but then I realized that nothing about this episode stuck in my brain even a little bit. 

Oh, this is the “Dolph has autism” episode that made everyone either extremely happy or really mad? Okay. I guess that’s the most remarkable thing about it. Neato.

Cam, I love you, but this was just not the best use of your sleazy charm.

53. Eggs Benefits (Season 2, episode 9)

This is one of those episodes with enough cute moments and good ideas to save it from being totally unmemorable, and I mostly enjoy rewatching. Platypus being a mom is a fabulous idea, and pairing the campers the way they did was mostly really interesting and fun.

The Preston-Nurf stuff takes it down several pretty significant notches, though. It’s what the kids would call problematic, and while I normally enjoy how the show doesn’t skew away from darker themes and jokes, it didn’t really fit either of their characters and just . . . isn’t fun to watch. It’s not especially funny, it’s not especially tragic, it’s just uncomfortable.

52. Camp Campbell Wants YOU! (Season 1, episode 0)

Honestly, this would be a lot higher if it was a full-length episode. It’s funny.

The next 5 or so episodes fall under the “cute but not very memorable” umbrella:

51. Nikki's Last Day on Earth (Season 3, episode 4)

I love the ensemble episodes, so this was always going to score higher than any of the single-character “meh” eps. I didn’t see the twist coming, though I know a lot of other fans did. Textbook example of “cute but not very memorable” -- the Platonic ideal of that concept.

50. The Candy Kingpin (Season 3, episode 9)

A clever idea that plays on Max’s worst characteristics and then calls him out for them, while also giving Dolph some much-needed character development. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like it really picks up until the last third of the episode, leaving the rest just kind of sitting there.

49. Campfire Tales (Season 4, episode 13)

Who doesn’t love campfire stories?

That’s all I got. They’re campfire stories.

ETA: OH SH/IT THIS ONE HAS THAT REALLY SCARY STORY! Where David’s all like . . . Slenderman’d. Fu/ck, I didn’t remember that until I was writing out my thoughts for #35 or so. That definitely elevates it, but I’m too tired to try and re-decide where this should go, so just tie it with “New Adventure!”

48. New Adventure! (Season 4, episode 4)

New trio! Focusing on these 3 was a definite risk, and I think it really paid off. While the “plot” itself isn’t anything special, there are a handful of really great side gags (hi, Dirty Kevin!!!!) and it’s fun to see these three interact. They all get some nice character beats. It’s a good time.

47. Something Fishy (Season 3, episode 8)

This might’ve hit me harder if I’d actually seen The Shape of Water, but the send-up works fine without having more than the seen-the-trailer level of understanding. Gwen dresses pretty, which I love; Max sucks, which I also love. What drags this one down is mostly feeling like the surreal aspects of the comedy go a bit too far into the “what the fu/ck am I looking at?” territory without really . . . making an actual joke beyond “look! Wacky!"

Why is David at the opera with a bird? Why??

46. City Survival (Season 3, episode 11)

Literally do not remember a single thing about this episode except David getting mugged and being called a “homeless twi/nk.” That should probably rank it lower on the list, but David being a fluttery mother hen saves it for me -- as does the fact that it leads directly into one of my favorite episodes, and the single best story arc of the series.

Next set of episodes is what I’m going to arbitrarily call “okay! but like the good kind of okay, not the bad kind.”

45. Bonjour Bonquisha (Season 2, episode 7)

Max and Sasha masterminding a scheme is really fun; their dynamic is great (though it won’t be fully realized until Season 4), and heartbroken David is so tragically cute it actually makes my heart explode out of my chest.

Also I can’t resist a good “3 kids in a trench coat” gag.

44. Anti-Social Network (Season 2, episode 2)

Neil is very relatable and I don’t have much else to say about this one. It’s fun to see an episode that more heavily focuses on our nerdy science boy, and Max and Neil teaming up to save Nikki was really charming and sweet and set my Makkiel ship out to sea.

43. A Camp Camp Christmas, or Whatever (Season 2 holiday episode)

Why does this episode have a musical number? It’s not good.

Okay, that was mean. This is fun and cute and Gwen wears a pretty purple sweatshirt and Space Kid gives her a present and it’s really sweet. But that musical number is an instant fast-forward for me, sorry.

42. Preston Goodplay's Good Play (Season 4, episode 7)

We get some Preston character development! Awesome!

It’s done in a really trippy and surreal way that totally fits his character and heightens the drama of the episode! Awesome!

David has an apparently-tragic history of being a French mime! Not a good call! 

Next tier: Some good sh/it! (Tbh, these could all be put in just about any order; they might as well be one massive tie.)

41. Cookin' Cookies (Season 2, episode 11)

I love the Flower Scouts. I love Dirty Kevin. I love the idea of accidentally starting a dru/g empire. Another weird, borderline experimental one focusing on side characters, and I think it works better than “New Adventure!” because the scale of the melodrama is just so over-the-top.

The fact that this is in the bottom 20 but I have nothing but good things to say about it illustrates how dang good this show is. It’s only getting better from here, folks!

40. Romeo & Juliet II: Love Resurrected (Season 1, episode 7)

Preston is a terrible playwright. This makes sense, because he’s like 11, but he’s the kind of hilariously bad I wish I’d been as a preteen, because his play is absolutely bonkers. Max fucking with David is great, Tabii vs. Bonquisha is great, Bonquisha in general is a giant amazonian goddess and I want to be swept up into her giant arms. Neil is . . . a robot, for some reason?

So much fun!

39. Camp Cool Kidz (Season 1, episode 4)

I don’t love Ered’s characterization in this one, but there are a lot of wacky hijinks in this episode that I think make it really enjoyable. Max’s wide-eyed revolutionary naïveté is a fun change from his usual dour pessimism, and Nikki’s loyalty to Ered is both very gay and very charming. Plus we get to learn a bit more about how the camp operates (and fails to operate), and it’s a nice way to better establish the campsite as its own setting.

(Definitely think “Cool” should’ve been spelled with a K though. But whatever, I don’t write for the show.)

38. Scout's Dishonor (Season 1, episode 3)

The birth of Neeancy! The introduction of the Flower and Wood Scouts! Neil saying “cu/nt” -- one of the first and only truly shocking uses of profanity in the entire show! ZUKO!

I don’t know if my fondness for this one is rooted mostly in nostalgia or if it was actually really fun, but I enjoyed the he/ll out of it. Not as highly-rated as some other episodes mostly because it doesn’t really do anything, character or story-wise, but not every episode needs to be a massive game-changer that drowns us in feels. Sometimes it’s enough to have a fun romp, and this is very that.

37. Ered Gets Her Cool Back (Season 3, episode 2)

Awww, Ered. I have a soft spot for her, because I love the archetype of a spoiled bit/ch clearly still figuring out how to be a person and have friends. You really get the sense of her as a teenager trying to sort her shi/t out in this episode, which I would love to see more of. Her interactions with Nerris are top-tier, and I like that it’s a continuation of how her character’s been softening since Season 1 into this kind of big-sister figure.

Also, all the female campers in this show are lesbians. I do not make the rules.

36. Attack of the Nurfs (Season 4, episode 2)

I feel like this is a pretty underrated episode. But then again, I feel like Nurf is a pretty underrated character, so maybe that’s just my own personal bias.

I really enjoyed all the different iterations of Nurf, and I think Blaine did a killer job giving each one its own personality and life. It’s a fun episode that plays hard with cartoon physics (a 3D printer printing people! I love it!) and has a surprisingly moving ending.

At least, that’s what I think. Most other people seem to find this one pretty forgettable. Again: make your own da/mn list. I liked it.

35. Mascot (Season 1, episode 2)

This entire episode is memorable for so many things, but a few of my favorites:

David is established as kind of a di/ck.

Platypus arrives and kicks all the as/s.

Quartermaster is the best.

Nerris, Harrison, and Space Kid all get little moments to show off how cute they are.

Neil and Nikki bonding.

This:

34. Quest to Sleepy Peak Peak (Season 2, episode 3)

I love watching Nerris and Harrison bicker, and Neil and Nikki fit really well into their group. It reminds me of being a kid, and of playing Dungeons & Dragons (as an adult, because I’m so cool), and of summer . . . which is a really good thing for this show. There are a lot of funny one-liners, and it’s just a good dang time.

33. Quartermaster Appreciation Day (Season 2, episode 6)

I don’t think this one is all that well-loved, but I thought it was funny. There are literally zero important plot or character moments, but it made me laugh a lot, and that’s all I need a Camp Camp episode to do. 

I love QM, and the more we learn about him, the more confused and disturbed we end up being. What a fu/cking champion.

32. Arrival of the Torso Takers (Season 3 Halloween episode)

I lowkey hated this one when it came out, because I knew the Daniel stans were going to be exhausting. And they kind of were? But looking back, it’s a great way to reintroduce this motherfu/cker. He’s a lot scarier than he was the last time around -- but also less competent, which is a great way to kick him in the proverbial ba/lls -- and while I wish it had a lot more Gwen in it, it’s a clever and creative Halloween episode. 

31. Operation: Charlie Tango Foxtrot (Season 3, episode 10)

Charlie . . . Tango . . . Foxtrot . . . CTF . . . OH! Capture the Flag! I never got that before. Oh, that’s neat. I love this show.

Listen, every time the writers decide to take a risk and do something bizarre and creative, I’m going to be here for it at least a little bit. An entire episode told from the POV of the Woodscouts, explaining how hard they failed in all directions? A great gag where everyone in Petrol’s story talks in grunts? The return of Jermy Fartz?! Fantastic. 

30. Panicked Room (Season 4, episode 16)

Listen. I’m a sucker for my trash grandpa; anything Campbell-centric is probably going to be pretty good (except #54), because he’s just one of the most consistently funny and engaging characters. Good times are had whenever this terrible man is on the screen, and giving him a romantic backstory? A tragic romantic backstory full of mistakes and emotional damage?? One where he waited 17 YEARS for the love of his life???

We have no choice but to stan.

29. Party Pooper (Season 4, episode 15)

I’m so predictable. If you put Gwen in something, I will be happy. If you make an entire episode about how Gwen is under-appreciated and overworked and just trying to do her best despite the circumstances, I will dedicate my firstborn child to you.

Anyway, this episode is really sweet, and I liked the unexpected direction the writers took her relationship with her dad. He seems like a nice guy, they seem like they have a nice relationship, and . . . well, an episode about how hard it is to be an adult millennial hit pretty hard. Plus this was just a really pretty episode -- and not just because Gwen was in so much of it! Seriously, that night sky was a thing of beauty.

Also if you say a fuc/king word about Max and that godda/mn dog I will choke you out with your own intestines. Few things are more hilariously, annoyingly ironic than the fact that the entire fandom ignored and failed to appreciate Gwen . . . in the episode all about how everyone ignores and fails to appreciate Gwen.

28. Culture Day (Season 3 holiday episode)

Now, would it be arrogant to point out that I had the idea for a Culture/Heritage Day back in September 2018? Yes, especially since I don’t think the writers ever read fanfiction and it has literally nothing to do with this episode. Will that stop me? He/ll no it will not! I am a creature of ego! Read my stuff! 

Anyway, this is a really fun look at Neil’s background, personality, and relationships. Max looking out for him is just . . . oh my god, I cannot, I’ve written like 30 of these and my brain is starting to melt, but these two are so cute. I love arrogant Neil, and I love protective Max, and I love QM and Gwen fuc/king over the Flower Scouts to save the day. Everything about this episode is lovely.

27. Cameron Campbell the Camp Campbell Camper (Season 3, episode 7)

This should not be ranked so high (even if these are all essentially tied). This is a dumb episode based on a really, really dumb premise. 

But . . . I don’t know what to tell you. “Samboy Kidwell,” Max realizing he and Campbell are disturbingly similar and not liking what his future could look like, David’s “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” face . . . this episode happens to hit all of my favorite things. It had a really good balance of heavy-handed moralizing and goofs, it was part of the most graceful lead-up into a finale the show has ever had, and I’m just all about it. 

Excellent job, Samboy. Count Olaf would be proud of your disguise.

There ends the “some good sh/it” tier. We’re starting to get into the really excellent stuff now!

26. Parents' Day (Season 2, episode 12)

I know. You want this to be higher. I hear you.

Honestly I’m kind of shocked it’s this high; it’s my least favorite of the season finales so far, and I had to push past a lot of prejudice to actually rank this where I think it deserves to be, as opposed to somewhere in the like mid-40s. Mostly because it gave fuel to the raging inferno of “Max has terrible parents and David should adopt him” headcanons, which I’ve detailed my problems with extensively in the past (in a post that, statistically speaking, none of you have read).

But, trying to be objective: is this episode actually any good?

Well . . . yeah, it really is.

So much work was put into giving each of the campers families that make sense with their characters and bounce absurdly well off of them, ranging from wholesome and adorable (Nerris’s family) to quietly tragic (Harrison’s parents), and they’re all designed so well; they’re fun to look at and fun to watch interact with the kids and each other. (The only exception is Dolph’s dad, who is both kinda lame and misattributes the cause of the weird Na/zi thing because it did not come from Germany, I assure you. But things with Dolph are always a little off, and I don’t really know how you would give him a backstory that actually works with the character, so they were caught between a rock and a hard place there.)

The drama of David having to choose between the man he considers his father and the camp he considers his home is really touching, and him and Gwen choosing to take a sad camper out to get pizza instead of covering for their boss’s a/ss is such a beautiful moment for both of them that I can’t really blame the fandom for losing their mind over it. Campbell’s arrest leading into the arcs of the next two seasons was great as well, and the finale left us all with this weird sense of foreboding because we didn’t know what was going to happen next; it was the only finale that actually ended on something close to a cliffhanger, while still being satisfying enough to keep us all from melting down.

Plus, it’s funny. Carl and Candy are really funny and the idea of Neil and Nikki’s parents boning is funny in a horrible way. The joke about Quartersister is funny. It’s a good episode.

Should this be higher? Maybe, but I can’t bring myself to put it above the rest of these episodes. Again: make your own list.

25. Mind Freakers (Season 1, episode 10)

The episode that launched a thousand ships. Assuming those ships are all Harrison/Neil, anyway.

It’s hard to talk about these Season 1 episodes because they feel so classic. Like, what is there to say? You’ve all seen it a couple dozen times; I’ve seen it a couple dozen times. Harrison is a di/ck, Neil is possibly an even bigger di/ck, and magic may or may not be real. (Though spoilers for literally every season: yes, magic is definitely real.) It’s so much fun watching these two smug as/sholes snipe at each other in an almost literal playground hair-pulling way that could very easily be read as flirtation. 

And the fandom did most certainly read it that way, at least for a little while.

24. Gwen Gets a Job (Season 2, episode 8)

It’s Gwen. What, was I supposed to not put it this high?

This was the first Gwen-centric episode, and it absolutely slaps. She’s pushed to the breaking point and responds by being a cold-hearted BAMF, and it got her some pretty significant hate from fans but I don’t give a fu/ck, I loved it. We got to see her all dolled up, and then we got to see her all disheveled, and both of those looks were gorgeous. David gives her a tiny fragment of the love and validation she deserves (I don’t know if this is when gwenvid started taking off -- I think it wasn’t really until “Parents’ Day,” or even Season 3 -- but I ate that s/hit up).

Also, again: job hunting post-2008. It’s a bad time, y’all. Camp Camp gets it.

23. Follow the Leader (Season 4, episode 6)

Yeah, I was kind of surprised at how high this landed, too. I guess I’m just a sucker for unlikely companionships, and these three have a great chemistry. The combination of competitiveness, sass, and reluctant admiration make their interactions a lot of fun. Their motivation of doing petty errands for Campbell for the sake of getting at the Box of Illegal Contraband is a great framework too, with high enough stakes to justify all sorts of wacky shenanigans without causing actual anxiety.

I want to see these characters forced to spend more time together. Please, RT, make that happen.

22. Escape from Camp Campbell (Season 1, episode 1)

In terms of numbers, this feels so low, but considering everything from about #45 on is ranked as at least decent, this is actually a pretty high rating. There are 21 episodes I’d call better than this, but these decisions were all pretty painful.

This introduces us to everyone! The main trio, the counselors, Mr. Campbell; we get a snapshot of the major personalities running around the camp, the major points of conflict (Max vs. David, primarily), the major building blocks of future episodes, setting, and relationships . . . 

Again, I don’t know how much of my love for this episode is nostalgia -- there’s a lot of squeeing at familiar faces and gags; this is the first time David gets hit by a bus!!! -- but it was a fun and funny introduction to a series that’s ended up being so important to me, and I’m so grateful this wonderful, quirky little show with its wonderful and quirky little premiere. 

Of all the episodes, I really can’t look at this one objectively. It’s too important.

21. The Fun-Raiser (Season 3, episode 1)

David and Gwen scheming is my ki/nk. They very rarely scheme together, but every single time their teamwork makes the dream work (or, more frequently, makes the dream fail horribly and have disastrous consequences) my soul flies out of my body and takes to the stars, where I write another 500 first chapters to gwenvid fanfics I’ll probably never finish.

This is a great follow-up to “Parents’ Day,” where we immediately see the consequences of the previous season finale and what happens when the one adult in the camp disappears. Mr. Campbell was a terrible adult, true, but at least he was smart enough not to steal QM’s hook. Like . . . whose plan was this? It was so bad. These two are hilariously incompetent sometimes -- often when their bad ideas are feeding off of each other, actually, a la this and “Space Camp Was a Hoax” -- and watching them frantically try and keep all their balls in the air is so great. 

The ending is satisfying, too; a bit graphic, in keeping with a show that tends to keep the violence limited to periodic spurts of bloodshed 1-2 times a season and mostly pretty mild the rest of the time, but between Max stepping up and fixing everything while still being his shi/tty self to our dear dumba/ss counselors getting their dumb as/ses handed to them (deservedly so, if we’re being honest) . . . it’s such a great note to begin a new season on.

20. Journey to Spooky Island (Season 1, episode 5)

A classic.

We get to meet our spooky boy Jasper, we get to watch the comedy trio play off each other and continue to sketch out the general contours of their friendship, and we get to see the Quartermaster with a big purple dil/do for a hand. What’s not to love?

19. The Butterfinger Effect (Season 4, episode 17)

CONTROVERSIAL HOT TAKES! GET YOUR CONTROVERSIAL HOT TAKES HERE!

I’ve already gone into some pretty intense detail about why I think this one is actually really good and carries the theme of embracing change that everything about Season 4 was centered around, but none of y’all read that so here it is in short: this episode is super funny, almost all of the campers’ transformations work really well as extensions of their characters while still being strange and surprising, and the fact that Nurf creates all of these problems by trying to solve them is deliciously fun to watch in a karmic sort of way.

Or maybe it’s just because any Nurf-centric episode is going to rank pretty highly for me. That is also possible.

18. Space Camp Was a Hoax (Season 2, episode 10)

Our camp counselors being bad people: it’s my drug of choice.

We get Space Kid tripping balls in what might be one of the funniest sequences in the show, the entire camp coming together to try and pull off the stupidest, most impossible task (and kinda maybe almost nailing it???), and once again the fun of watching Gwen and David scramble to keep from getting caught in their boss’s shit/ty lies is so great. And Lindsay’s voice acting is absolutely killer, even more so than usual. 

17. Jermy Fartz (Season 2, episode 4)

I get the sense this might be a somewhat controversial one. 

I’ve written before about why I think this episode is a lot of fun, but it mostly boils down to two things: watching the campers try (and fail) to be nice to the most bully-able person on the entire planet, and the essential likeableness of Jermy. 

No, really.

I think a lot of people were put off by Jermy’s general grossness, because . . . my god is he disgusting, but he’s also polite and good-natured, and seems totally self aware of how difficult he is to be around, without letting it make him depressed. He’s cheerful in a weirdly downbeat way that’s impossible to understand until you see him in action. He’s so matter-of-fact about his own awfulness in a way that I found entirely endearing. I don’t think I’d want him at my camp, either, but get that kid to a good dermatologist and gastroenterologist, teach him some basic hygiene and social skills, and you’ll have quite a little gentleman there.

I do however find it hilarious that apparently David got the type of tree wrong when making fun of Jermy. Not only is that a great moment for reveling in David being an as/shole, but he didn’t even have the right wood. F/ucking idiot. I love him so much.

These last ones are my favorites! (Well, duh, that’s how this whole ranking thing works.) Maybe not perfect, but just really good and with limitless rewatch value.

16. St. Campbell's Day (Season 4 holiday episode)

They Grinch’d Camp Camp. Those brilliant bast/ards, they really pulled it off.

Ignoring the fact that David is truly frightening-looking for most of the episode, this is a great bookend to Season 4, following up on the theme established in the first episode about how David is a flawed and selfish human being despite trying his best not to be.

This is another one I was surprised to find so high on the list, but the more I thought about it the more I realizes how good it is. David being a jerk is always one of my favorite storylines, and the fact that the trouble comes from him trusting Mr. Campbell too little instead of too much is a nice twist on the usual formula. Gwen coming to help him out despite a blistering hangover gave me aggressive shipping feels, yes, obviously. 

Between a lot of really funny little gags like QM’s failed satanic ritual and the genuinely touching moral about the importance of spending time with the people you love, it’s just a really lovely episode that gets just the right amount of maudlin for the holiday season. 

15. Jasper Dies at the End (Season 2, episode 5)

I kept switching this and “Dial M for Jasper”; it was a really difficult decision to make, figuring out where these two belonged. I think in the end, while the John Dies at the End reference was very, very good, this one loses me a little bit by being told from David’s perspective. Now, normally the more David is in an episode the more I’ll be likely to love it (see my #1 for proof of that), but his blinders when it comes to the camp and Mr. Campbell result in a really funny story, but one without the same emotional heft as hearing about what happened from Jasper’s point of view.

That doesn’t mean it’s not perfect for what it needs to be: each Jasper episode builds on the previous ones, and having the same intensity of “Dial M for Jasper,” where we learn how he died and how his relationship with David fell apart, would be weird and heavy at this point. In Season 1 we just found out he’s a ghost (and eagle-eyed viewers realized he’d been a camper with David); in Season 2 we find out how David views their friendship and time at camp; and in Season 3 we get Jasper’s perspective. It’s an absolutely wonderful raising of the stakes (for lack of a better term), but the one that packs more of an emotional punch is going to rank a bit higher than the one that’s mostly just for laughs.

That being said: there are plenty of laughs in this one. Everyone -- Griffin, Miles, Travis, the animators -- nailed this one, and it gets funnier every time I watch it.

14. Camporee (Season 1, episode 11)

AKA the episode where Forest realized she was in love with Gwen. 

What a great idea for an episode, seriously. Every coming-of-age story has a talent show or a competition or a big game -- something where the kiddos can show off their improved skills and teamwork to beat their bullies or whatever. And this show has both kinds of bullies: the popular girly girls and the violent muscleheads. What a great moment to pull everyone together and show how friendship can help us accomplish anything!

Except . . . of course that’s not what happens. Of course they’re absolute garbage, and of course teamwork isn’t the answer. Gwen is the perfect foil for David here, being the anti-teamwork, anti-Camp-Campbell adult who can perfectly and effortlessly undermine David’s relentless optimism. David wants so badly for his campers to live in the same coming-of-age summer movie he did as a child, and their staunch refusal to do that leads to a really heartbreaking closer to the episode, as well as lead into the next one. Everything about this, from the challenges to the setup to Gwen shouting “we are winning this FUC/KING trophy!” is just gold.

13. David Gets Hard (Season 1, episode 9)

We have David. We have Nurf. We have Gwen. We have Max trying to be helpful in the shi/ttiest way possible.

We have all the makings of a da/mn good episode. And they deliver. Not a very emotionally intense or moving one, but so, so funny.

12. Dial M for Jasper (Season 3, episode 5)

This isn’t the fate any of us expected for Jasper, and it’s not the fate of a lot of people wanted. But godda/mn it, it worked. The constant bait-and-switch the episode keeps playing with, where you keep waiting for something really dramatic and tragic to happen . . . and then the reality is that Jasper died because Mr. Campbell was stupid and careless, and it was all just a horribly sad accident.

It’s anticlimactic, but in a way that suits the series, both as a comedic counterpoint to all the hype throughout the episode and as a way to establish that Cameron Campbell is a bad man first and foremost through selfishness and laziness, not Daniel-esque sinister evil. Jasper’s death was totally avoidable and totally Campbell’s fault, and while that’s sad, it also adds a weird sort of lightness to the episode. David didn’t do something terrible to kill his best friend, Jasper didn’t kill himself, and without having actively chosen to murder a child (well, not this time), the door remains open for fans accepting Campbell’s later pseudo-redemption. It was just an accident, and Jasper was “haunting” David to tell him that he was sorry for how their friendship ended. That’s really sweet, actually.

I think it’s the best way this reveal could’ve gone, and I’m so impressed with how they pulled it all off.

11. Into Town (Season 1, episode 8)

This might actually be the only flawless episode in the entire show. I mean, I call a lot of them flawless, and I mean that on an emotional level -- “I love this so much I cannot see anything wrong with it” -- but this one is a masterpiece of storytelling. All the technical jumbo I’m bad at, like planting and payoff and tension and all of that, is just perfect.

I feel like this is the kind of claim that needs to be backed up with a long-as/s essay full of citations and video clips and references to, like, Joseph Campbell or something, but this is my 49th entry in the list so I am not going to be doing that. Besides, I don’t think my English degree qualifies me to critique film/animation; I don’t even entirely know half the terms I’ve used to compliment this episode. Someone else please explain why this is such a good one.

10. The Quarter-Moon Convergence (Season 4, episode 5)

I’ve mentioned in other entries that the weird, surreal humor sometimes doesn’t work; it feels too much like being odd for its own sake, and sometimes gets so distracted in being surreal that it forgets to include anything funny or meaningful. 

This . . . is not one of those.

Putting Harrison and QM together is a stroke of genius; the two of them are literally the most magical beings in the entire show, and using them as the conveyance for this great Lovecraftian horror-comedy was such a good idea. I don’t know if we’ll ever see these two interact in another episode -- honestly, this felt a bit like lightning in a bottle, and I have a hard time imagining what could possibly bring them together again -- but if this is the only episode we get, it is such a fantastic one.

Harrison makes a really good everyman, despite his powers; he’s just the right amount of confident and insecure to pull off that wide-eyed apprentice to QM’s grizzled wise mentor. (The fact that QM is objectively a terrible mentor is beside the point.) I still don’t entirely know what the two of them accomplished, but it feels baffling and momentous, with the perfect amount of gravity to make things extremely tense all the way through to the end.

Also, I guess God is an octopus? That’s kinda cool. I like octopuses.

9. Camp Corp. (Season 3, episode 12)

Another unpopular opinion? Oh ho ho, I am so contrary! I am Not Like Other Fans! I am the Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, refusing to have the same opinions of all you prepz.

I know this wasn’t the most well-loved episode, but I think it did a really great job tying together story threads woven throughout Season 3: Max’s selfishness leading to him hurting other people, his growing realization that he cares about his friends and the camp itself, the parallels between him and Mr. Campbell (and the fact that they both get this redemption moment in the finale). 

This is the most Max-centric season, focusing on his flaws and character growth, and they pulled it off in a really organic way that felt faithful to his character, touching without being too maudlin. The fact that his feelings about the camp are echoed in Gwen, Neil and Nikki, the other campers, and even Mr. Campbell drives home how important the camp -- and David -- are to this strange little family. 

Each season, Max reluctantly becomes a better person, without changing the fundamental core of who he is. That’s a really hard putt for the writers and Michael, and I’m blown away every finale by how they so consistently nail it.

8. Time Crapsules (Season 4, episode 18)

Gwen-centric? Check.

Max learning how to be a better person while still being the bratty kid we know and love? Check.

Looks at one of the most under-appreciated character dynamics in the entire show (i.e., Max and Gwen)? Checkity check-check-check.

I don’t really have much to say about this one, which I should: it was considered a pretty serious letdown to a lot of fans, and I’m not sure how to explain why I loved it so much. 

Comparing Max from “The Order of the Sparrow” to Max from this episode is wild. It’s not like 2 different characters: they’re still very obviously the same cynical, self-absorbed 10-year-old trying to survive summer camp. But he’s become a more considerate friend and decent version of that kid, and it’s great to watch. The moment where he and Gwen go too far and immediately regret snapping at each other is still painful (on my god, the VAs in this show, they’re so talented), Nikki and Neil both get nice subplots about how they’re also growing up, and the ending is fuc/king hilarious, perfectly breaking the tension from Campbell’s speech, which is both beautifully done and important to hear, especially if you’re in a period of uncomfortable transition (like, say, in your late 20s, or living through about 5 different national and global catastrophes).

And okay, I found that speech on the wiki for this episode and it made me deeply emotional, so here:

Here's the thing: you've got to take your failures and make something out of them. Take Camp Campbell for instance: a lot of poor decisions went into making this place what it is today. Sure, somewhere along the line it maybe strayed from its path, not living up to the camp it wanted to be. At some point, the camp realized that the camp would never reach the end of its path until it was ready or until it gave up. So, if the camp wanted to keep embezzling money and dealing with foreign powers, so be it! But, at some point, it didn't anymore. I never saw this coming, but I'm starting to think this camp is the best it's ever been.

If this is the last episode of Camp Camp we ever get -- and for at least a little while, it looks like it’s going to be -- I can’t think of a sweeter, funnier, and more lovely bittersweet note for this show to go out on.

7. The Lake Lilac Summer Social (Season 3, episode 6)

And again: No one was surprised. 

This is the longest non-finale episode of the show, and it uses that time perfectly. Rather than having some big emotional moments and character arcs -- which are great, don’t get me wrong -- the writers use the extended time to build a series of shenanigans as complicated as Gwen’s matchmaking web, and watching her try to set up a series of dominos (with David, for once, being the responsible, level-headed one) is almost as satisfying as the catastrophic results. 

Neil and Snake steal this episode, even from someone as in love with Gwen as I am, and for an episode that’s largely about making fun of shippers, there hasn’t been one that launched nearly as many ships as this. Neil/Snake? Tabii/Erin? Max/Nikki? GWENVID?! It’s all here, and I am here for it.

It was also fun to get a traditional episode setup in a very non-traditional show. I assume this means the beach and/or hot springs episode is forthcoming. (No, Pis/s Lake doesn’t count. Obviously it doesn’t count.)

6. Keep the Change (Season 4, episode 1)

Again, this is an episode I’ve said a lot about in the past -- and I was pretty uncharitable toward Season 3, which in retrospect was very unse/xy of me -- but I stand by a lot of my opinions then: this is a fu/cking great episode.

David is an as/shole, Max is an as/shole, Campbell is an as/shole. No one escapes the as/sholery. David schemes, Max catches him in the scheme, Campbell gets drunk and kind of gay . . . I’m 54 entries into this list and I don’t have much to say anymore: it’s just really good and fun and I love it.

5. Camp Loser Says What? (Season 4, episode 9)

This is another one I kind of hated when it came out, and again for fandom-related and personal-grudge reasons.

Fu/cking Daniel. That motherfu/cker. He shows up for 12 minutes and Tumblr bursts into flames. Every single time.

However, it’s really hard not to love this one. Daniel-as-Trump is a clever but subtle -- I mean, for this show’s definition of subtle -- allegory, and it’s amazing how much this slimy freak and the Woodscouts slot into it. David is a bise/xual disaster with the absolute worst taste in men, Dirty Kevin and Daniel are onscreen together for all of 2.5 seconds and the kevdan shippers lost their minds, and Xemug looks like Megamind for some weird reason.

My only minor complaint is that the ending is a bit anticlimactic, but it plays on Daniel’s stupidity and the value of teamwork, so it’s a very small nitpick in an episode that mostly works like gangbusters.

4. Cult Camp (Season 2, episode 1)

Duh. There’s a really good song and we’re introduced to a charismatic, sinister, and totally dumba/ss villain. What’s not to like?

I don’t think I even need to say anything about this episode. Season 2 started off the summer by throwing a lit firecracker directly at the viewer’s face, and ignoring the fact that we as a fandom proceeded to eat each other, it’s impossible not to get caught up in the episode’s wild energy.

And dude, that song. Fabulous. Fu/ck Daniel, but thank god he’s around to be such a prickly little pri/ck.

Now for the top 3: Literally perfect, wouldn’t change a single solitary thing.

3. After Hours (Season 4, episode 8)

I’m not sure anyone loved this episode as much as me. But this is my list, and I will put this up at the top if I want to and you cannot stop me.

It’s much easier in a lot of ways to talk about the episodes I hated than the ones I love this much. What do I say besides “literally everything about this fills me with joy and my life is better because it exists”? I don’t know. The counselors are my favorite characters, and between Gwen and QM having the weirdest bonding experience, Gwen getting to meet up with people who care about her silly fanfiction, Mr. Campbell being the trash grandpa of my dreams, David getting in way over his head . . . it’s the episode I always wanted, and they made it work so well.

Also, I just discovered that “Gwen Isn’t Your Mother So Stop Asking Her to Rinse Your Dishes” is an actual song and I am overwhelmed with delight. Here, I’m embedding it as well as linking because it’s so good:

God. This show. What the fu/ck even is up with this amazing, weird-as/s show.

2. The Order of the Sparrow (Season 1, episode 12)

Duh.

The entire first season is a great time (except “Reigny Day”), but it’s a pretty low-stakes kind of great time. There isn’t much in terms of emotional depth until the very end of “Camporee,” despite some hints at darker themes in one-off jokes and quick asides, so this episode comes a bit out of left field, tonally speaking.

But that’s not a bug, it’s a feature; if the show had been this overtly emotional from the outset, this finale wouldn’t hit as hard, and the rest of the season wouldn’t be as funny. 

This manages to serve as a capstone to the conflict of the first season, building on episodes like “Into Town” and “Escape from Camp Campbell” in a way that feels totally natural for both David and Max’s characters while revealing new sides of them. It works because it’s so unexpected, but it doesn’t come across as incongruous with their personalities. It’s the first and only time David swears in all 4 seasons, and that line -- I don’t even need to say it, you know exactly what I’m talking about -- still gives me chills.

Also, Gwen sings the camp theme song. Impossible not to cherish.

1. The Forest (Season 4, episode 12)

I’m not sure if this one is a surprise or not. It might be the obvious first place, or it might be a bit of an oddball for some people.

I had a really hard time choosing between this and “The Order of the Sparrow”; I switched their places half a dozen times, and the difference in quality between the two is razor-thin. I think part of that is because it accomplishes a lot of what “Order of the Sparrow” does: puts David in a situation where he’s pushed to his absolute emotional and physical capacity, crushes every shred of hope he has left, and sees what he’s actually made of when you strip everything away. It’s much more dramatic this time around, but it’s the same basic concept.

And just like in the Season 1 finale, what we see is a man who’s determined to do good even when he isn’t rewarded for it, even when he’s actively punished for it. Who wants to love nature, and life, and make the world a better place -- despite his faults, his selfishness and thoughtlessness and anger, David proves that he is fundamentally kind. He’s not nearly as deludedly optimistic as he seems; he just refuses to stop trying.

Because somebody fuc/king has to.

I’ll admit, some of what puts this one in first place is that I’m a sucker for whump, and David really goes through the ringer. However, I also think it’s important to acknowledge the risk Joe Nicolosi took with writing this episode: it’s all centered around a single character, it’s darker and more viscerally bloody than any other episode in the show’s history, the art is focused on these grand sweeping backgrounds that must’ve taken forever to paint, and there’s very little talking in a show that runs 99% on clever dialogue. This could have so easily backfired -- and for some fans it did -- but it was brave and beautiful and breathtaking.

I’ve actually only watched this in full once. It’s really hard to get through; it’s just so intense and even disturbing. But if there’s one episode I'll remember for the rest of my life, even when I’m 80 years old and haven’t seen the show in years, it’ll be “The Forest.”

It’s funny how such a sharp departure from the format and style of the rest of the show somehow manages to perfectly capture the heart of it. Talk about a fuc/king achievement.

So what have we learned?

I don’t entirely know what the purpose of this whole exercise was. I think it was mostly to get myself a nice Camp Camp fix that came from something other than slogging through 20 different fanfic WIPs, and to remind myself of what a strange and fun ride the last 4 summers have been. 

I also wanted to take a moment to acknowledge what Camp Camp means to me. This show has been hugely important to me on a personal level: I met two of my best friends through this fandom, and I’ve never been more connected to a community or readers than I have with CC. I know I bi/tch about this fandom a lot, but it’s a big extended internet family, and I’m so happy to be a part of it. Going through all these episodes, getting the chance to ramble about the things I liked and the things I didn’t, was a great way to reconnect with a series and community that I love.

So . . . what have we learned?

1. Season 4 was all over the place.

Some of this has to be due to the sheer volume of episodes, but when I sat down and organized everything into tiers:

There isn’t a single category Season 4 doesn’t have at least one episode in. I was surprised to see how high a lot of them ended up; it really was the best and worst of the show so far.

For the fun of it, I decided to give a number to each placement -- 60 points for the #1 episode, 59 for #2, etc. -- and see how each season broke down. Because that’s that kind of thing I think is worthwhile, apparently. And . . .

2. Seasons 1 and 4 are really good, actually.

Well, I don’t think anyone’s surprised to see how well Season 1 stacked up; it was amazing. But I was surprised to see how much I ended up enjoying Seasons 3 and 4, when if you’d asked me before this little project, I would’ve said they were the most underwhelming. Maybe I messed up the numbers a bit -- I’m no mathmagician -- but not only are they all really close, but Season 4 was one of my favorites.

3. This entire show is really good, actually.

One thing that really struck me when I put it all together visually is how most of the episodes sit in the “good,” “really good,” or “amazing” categories. The amount of episodes that are memorable, fun, and/or emotionally resonant is crazy. I don’t now how many other tiny cult-hit web series can say the same, honestly, and all of the writers, animators, directors/producers/other people whose jobs I don’t really understand, and voice actors should be commended for their outstanding talent and hard work.

4. Thank you, Camp Camp.

It was a real pleasure to relive all of these episodes again and think about what they meant to me. It won’t be the last time I sit down and watch this show -- and it certainly won’t be the end of my being a shrieking fangirl over it -- but with this break, where we have to get through a blazing, extremely difficult summer without a new season to fawn over, it’s nice to stop and appreciate what a precious gem of a show this is.

I hope everyone involved with Rooster Teeth is taking a much-deserved rest and prioritizing their health and well-being. Thank you for creating something truly special, and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

[tysondabs]

wednesday

3.3.21

Good things come to those who wait, they said. But he always believed that to be bullshit. Especially tonight, when they’d been made to wait what felt like an interminable amount of time to get into the club. They’d attempted the VIP entrance at first, cut past the long snaking line of patrons right up to the bouncers, the girl with the clipboard and list in her hand. They were on the list, Joe said. Had to be. If not, there was some mistake. Joe had promised Tyson that he’d sorted it all out with Jordan and the label and that he’d put them all down on the list. But no, they were not on any list.

Great. To the end of the endless line and wait it would have to be, even though it was between eleven and midnight, the party well under way, music leaking from inside, the people outside antsy and anxious. It wasn’t the most ideal start to the night. In fact, it was a pretty shitty one, and frustrated, he burned cigarette after cigarette as they waited in this bullshit line. Sasha said something, to the effect of it being alright, to the effect of not minding the wait, but it pissed him off even more. He shouldn’t have left that shit up to Joe. Of course he would fuck it up. More frustration when a car with tinted windows pulled up, and security opened the door for some couple, the bouncers immediately parting ways to let them pass. Fucking celebrities. Of course they got that treatment anywhere and everywhere, and it was just horseshit. Just like standing in this line was. 

He wasn’t sure how long they stood in that line, but the better part of an hour, it certainly was. Then finally — to the front. Tickets bought, hands stamped, and they were in, still in the hall in between the coat rack room and the long passageway into the interior of the place when the blaring music made the floor shift underfoot already. Then the nightclub proper, which probably put scenes in science fiction movies to shame. Drinks were bought in quick succession, and Joe pulled out a small baggie he’d brought with him. Tiny, pale blue heart shape pills were passed around, one each, and that was the beginning of it. At first, nothing, or rather, gradual bits of something as they got used to the noise, the pounding beat, the crowd, the assault on all senses that Sound brought to them. And then gradually, bit by bit, he felt himself mould and become a part of it. 

Now this was more like it. All the way around. The shitty night at Dungeon left miles and miles behind, both the way it had unfolded and carried on, full of disappointments. There were no disappointments here, in any sense of the word. Sound felt at once endless and cavernous, and yet tight and claustrophobic in the best sense of the words possible. People dancing shoulder to shoulder, sweating, each on some different combination of drugs but the main drug of all here, the music affecting them all to bounce in unison. He liked that. He sure liked that, indeed. 

Most of all though, he liked who he was with. 

There was no illusion here, no pretense, just him, her, the crowd, Joe, his girl, and a girl named Molly gracing them all with visions that made everything ten, twenty, a hundred times better than they were. The beat wormed its way right into his heart, and when he closed his eyes even for a second, that second lasted off into an eternity and carried him on chrome wings into another kingdom not accessible to humans here on earth. Holy shit. He’d missed these kinds of nights, they’d become far and few in between and the last one he really remembers could have been years ago. But here it was again, that feeling. And with it, his feelings. 

Time and memory warped into a tunnel that travelled at lightspeed, and he wasn’t sure what happened when, or in which succession. But he does remember a blur of hands, lips meeting, bodies colliding, his and hers, dipping into corners dark and unknown, then making their way back out of them. Laughing, too loud, the laughter lost among the spirits, the lights, the vortex of spinning figures, the ceiling shifting and throbbing and thrumming right above them, flipping and reversing. It was the nicest and best trip he’d had in a long time, and what could he chalk it up to? The right company? The right drug? The right night and the right music? The right state of mind? 

For once, he didn’t think of any of the shit he shouldn’t think about. All those things he shoved into the closet in the back of his mind that had the tendency to spill out every now and then. Fuck all those things, he’d set a torch to that closet as soon as he was sober again come next morning, evening, whenever he slept off this molly and high and good feeling. He’d make a fresh start, become a new person. Focus on nothing but himself, and his skill, and the things he wanted to get out of his life. 

Which — he wasn’t entirely sure what those were. But he’d be damned if it didn’t include this girl right here in that vision because fuck it, whether he could deny it or not, he sure felt some type of way. Maybe the molly would flush out this feeling tomorrow, but here it was, right now, staring him in the face, or somewhere between brain and heart because his eyes were closed, screwed shut tight and his lips too busy kissing her again, hands on her face, some question mark in the back of his head concerning Joe, but whatever. Joe could know, anyone could know, and he wouldn’t care. 

He wasn’t sure how one night could stretch into an eternity, but this one does. There’s drinks, because of course there are, far be it for them to satisfy themselves with a single pill, so there’s drinks on drinks on top of more drinks which at some point are abandoned for the chaos of the dancefloor. And he’s not sure what’s making his heart spike up this fast, if it’s the molly or the liquor or this music that’s relentless at 400 beats per minute, or his heart going 400 beats per minute. Feel my heart, he says and puts her hand to his chest, to let her feel it pounding like some sick unnatural thing, the kid he was taking delight in this anomaly the drugs are causing. A scary good feeling Then there’s a point where he’s not dancing anymore, too wet, sweat dripping from forehead face and every pore and he needs a minute. Wandering off. 

There’s a long stretch of black leather couch he finds and falls onto, stretches the whole length of. That’s a bad idea because vertically, things were going whack, but in this state? It’s all spinning. He might as well be George Clooney strapped in a spaceship hurtling towards the sun like in that one movie. There’s a pair of legs he spots upside down, long blonde hair and a huge pair of tits shoved in his face, some girl looking at him funny and saying words. He realizes it could be concern she’s voicing. In retrospect he doesn’t remember what he told her, but it’s some version of I’m okay, and off she goes again. A part of him wonders if he’s made a mistake because what if he’d just sent Pamela Anderson packing? But it’s 2029 and not 1999, so surely it cannot be that. Eventually someone else drifts into his line of sight from the crowd on the dancefloor several steps below, and it’s the face he wants to see. Hey, he says, and it’s like seeing Sasha sets the world right side up again and he sits up, completely fine, better than fine, on the right side of coasting his high again.

He’s not sure how long they sit on that leather couch but it leaves a deep imprint long after they’ve gotten up. There was a conversation left behind there that he doesn’t remember now, not sure what kind it could’ve been when half of it was probably shouted. But he remembers it making him happy. Maybe he made plans with her again. Plans to go to the moon together sometime. To Mars. Now that’d be something. They’d probably fit there, on Mars, more than they do here on Earth. 

Eventually 5 in the morning rolls around, and they’ve stayed until the house lights are thrown up, bright and jarring, lightbulbs to fry bug specimens under. The patrons file out into the night, into cabs, into Ubers, and disappear. The gang reunites, him and Joe and Joe’s girl Leanne and Sasha. A couple of steps from the club is an alleyway. They stand there and Leanne pulls out a lighter to light herself and Tyson a cigarette. They talk about the night. Unbeknownst to either, they’re standing next to a ‘This Alley Is Private Property. No Trespassing’ sign. Joe points it out. Finds it amusing. They take a picture next to it, mill about, and move on. Four shadows walking a street where their shadows keep shortening, the sun coming up. 

Sun’s rising now and they’ve walked a block. The pavement turns black and full of glitter and stars, and they’re on Hollywood Boulevard. Too far out from Grauman’s to actually work out who anybody on the stars is, just names that mean nothing, names he’s seen before and hasn’t ever been impressed with. They spot a Joe Garcia, and Joe squats for a photo next to it, his foot covering the last name — just the Joe part, throwing up peace signs. More idiot photo opportunities, sure, why not. There’s a 24/7, hole in the wall fast food spot open with no line by it so he lets people who are hungry get whatever they want. Leanne orders fries. Tyson wants nothing, leans up against a wall and smokes another cigarette while this all happens, talks to a homeless man sitting not several feet away, some words exchanged about baseball. He’s from up north so he’s a Giants fan. Tyson says fuck you, the Dodgers are superior, but still slips him a five dollar bill as their Uber is pulling up. 

And then they’re in an Uber headed home — home being Dom’s and Silverwood Terrace. Coming out of the high with every passing moment, but the remnants of the drug still littering his system. There’s minimal traffic in these between-hours of the morning, so in less than fifteen minutes, they’re all pulling up to Dom’s. And here it finally is, the grand tour he’d promised her so long ago, though Tyson not entirely in the state to give it to her currently. Not that it matters. 

Uncharacteristically quiet, the house is. Asleep, that’s where Dom is probably and Marlon’s away, so Joe and his girl and Tyson and Sasha almost have the entire house to themselves. They’re not exactly quiet coming in, but they’re not the loudest, either. Jackets are tossed onto couches, the kitchen is beelined for, water poured into glasses and passed around, the fridge raided. He gives Sasha options, gives himself options, where they can go, what they could do. There’s the pool — he points it out, the very same one he’d jumped off of the ramp into (the ramp long destroyed and turned into firewood for an impromptu bonfire that nearly turned into an actual fire). 

Plans are made for the house tour to happen tomorrow — or later today, seeing as it’s somewhere around or past 6 in the morning. He hopes she’ll stay, that she won’t have to run off to work, that dreaded work, hopes that she could stay all day and the following night too, but she only said she had tonight off, didn’t she? Not two nights. The less he thinks about that the better, like acknowledging a very real hourglass counting down their hours and minutes together until time’s up, until the hourglass can reset again because living on borrowed time, someone else’s time, really is tiring. 

But he doesn’t mention that, instead it’s upstairs in a manner both quiet and unlike him coming home from a party usually, but hey, Dom’s asleep in the master bedroom and if that crackhead wakes up to barrage them with questions about the party, he wasn’t sure he was in the right state for that. Instead, he beelines to his room, a smaller one but cozy. He’s not sure what happens in this interval either, looking back on it when he wakes up late, late in the afternoon, that part too, hazy. But as usual all clothes are discarded, and limbs find themselves tangled in one another’s like some kind of default state. And nothing happens happens, not that he’s entirely sure, logic dictating there being nothing left, having danced every ounce of energy he’d had onto that dancefloor and left his heart and lungs there too, but he finds himself where he’s happiest again, in that corner street between her shoulder and neck, half suffocated by wispy pale hair, breathing it in with not a care in this world. The fadeout to the track of the night is now a slow hiss, a record scratch of the needle now that the song is over, and warmth, such warmth enveloping him before it all fades to black.  

[artificialqueens]

You're beautiful, no matter what I used to say - (Nina/Brooke) - multifandomgeek

Summary: To Brooke, beauty is everything. So when she starts getting feelings for a girl completely outside her type, she just tries to ignore it.

-

A lesbian, college AU

AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20606846

–

Brooke lived for beauty. She loved every aspect of it, and it was part of all of her favorite subjects: makeup, fashion, design. She had a good eye for it too, be it in art or in people, and she was proud of that. In her first year of college, she already knew it would be an important aspect of her life, no matter if she decided to design clothes or graphic material (she was still thinking about it).

To her, It was extremely important to look her best at all times. It only made sense, and she would rather spend less on food than go without her trusted brands of makeup, even if with her clothes she could be a little more creative to fit her budget.

Beauty was everything, and when she found herself attracted to someone, appearance was always on the top of the list. Some people might call it shallow, but for her it was just a clear sign that that girl had something in common with her. Even when she was a young teen, it had seemed so obvious that she would be a lesbian because women were just the most beautiful creatures on earth. It was simple.

She liked girls with softly smoked eyes paired with red lips, or colorfully blended eyeshadow with a bold personality. She liked voluptuous hair that she could tell was fancy just from looking at it, or maybe short, well-kept styles that exposed a long neck and big, stylish earrings. But most of all, she liked girls’ curves. A lean body, round just in the right places, that she would pull closer to her with a hand strategically placed on their lower backs.

She could never see herself with a less than perfect girl. It was just who she was. Some people valued romance, others valued loyalty, and Brooke valued beauty. To each their own.

“Why are we doing this again?” Brooke asked Detox, her best friend, who had dragged her to a LGBTQ event one afternoon.

“Because we’re queer, and we should give back to the community,” said Detox, fixing her lipstick in a small mirror while they waited for the thing to begin. It was supposed to be an auction, or was it a bingo? Brooke didn’t really care.

“Give back for what?” mumbled Brooke, looking around as they sat down, seeing if she could at least score a good lay from this, but everybody seemed a little… weird.

Detox elbowed her. “Aren’t you out, you ungrateful cunt? Don’t take that for granted.”

Brooke rolled her eyes, but didn’t say anything else. She looked at her nails and accepted her fate, if only for Detox’s sake. She knew her friend had another relationship entirely with being gay, and even if Brooke didn’t get it, she wasn’t that big of an asshole to not be able to stand a few hours in a boring lecture (what even was this event?) to support her best friend.

The room they were in was relatively small, with a few rows of plastic chairs pointing to a raised platform on one of its extremities, where a podium with a microphone was set. It reminded Brooke of the church her mother used to go to when she was little, if with a lower ceiling. The chairs were about half full, and she supposed this kind of thing wasn’t very popular. It wasn’t difficult to understand why, considering Brooke herself didn’t want to come in the first place.

She and Detox were sitting at one of the last rows. They usually found themselves in that position, often because they wanted the option to leave in the middle of things, but maybe it was just a habit that came from being popular and not caring much about school. There were all kinds of people scattered around, a lot of them clearly alone, and Brooke couldn’t help but pity them. Maybe this organization (was it a club?) was important for some people after all.

“Okay, guys, sorry for the delay,” said a girl taking the podium with a hurried demeanor and a giant smile. She didn’t talk on the mic, but her presence was enough to make the low chatter that had filled the room stop all at once. “We’ll begin in a minute, but while we don’t, Josh will pass a list for you to fill in with your contact info. It’s completely optional, and we’ll use it to keep you updated with our activities.”

A guy with bright blue hair waved two clipboards with pens tied to them, so everybody could see, before handing them to people sitting on opposite sides of the room. Brooke dismissed it completely, turning her gaze back to the girl at the podium, who was now going through a stack of papers with an air of confident professionalism, a soft smile still playing on her lips.

She was a big girl, probably as tall as Brooke and who knows how much heavier. She had her dark blonde hair brushed back and kept in place by a headband, with a few strands dyed pink, almost randomly and already quite faded. She was wearing jeans and a t-shirt with a logo that was probably that of the LGBTQ association. There was no makeup on her face apart for a nude lipstick. Maybe a little concealer, if that, not that Brooke could notice at that distance. She caught herself thinking she could be sort of pretty, if she put some effort into it.

“Is this working?” said the girl, grabbing the mic, that was, indeed, working. “Okay, it is, haha,” she laughed, and Brooke smiled with her. What? “Hello everyone, and welcome. My name is Nina West, I’m the head of our LGBTQIA+ Association. I want to thank everyone for coming, it means a lot for us, and know that you’re always welcome here, no matter what.” Nina’s smile was so genuine Brooke couldn’t help but believe her, even though it was probably a speech she had delivered a hundred times.

Nina went on to list the weekly activities held by the association, that included game and movie nights, soccer practice, singing lessons, support groups, activism meetings, and so many other things that Brooke was genuinely surprised. The clipboard for the contact info reached her and she almost filled it in before remembering she didn’t actually want to be there. She passed it over to Detox, not looking if she was filling it herself in favor of keeping watching Nina. “We’ve had sewing and fashion design workshops for the last few months, and everyone was so good we decided it would be fun to show it off!” said Nina excitedly. “Tonight, our models are all LGBTQIA students who attended the workshops and made or embellished the clothes they’re wearing. So please give it up for our first artist, Trevor!”

Brooke was smiling and clapping with the crowd before she could think about it. A lanky boy wearing a short sequined dress appeared from behind her to parade through the center of the room, between the rows of chairs. The dress was not very remarkable, but Trevor was smiling so much, strutting like he truly believed he was on a runway, that it seemed more beautiful than it actually was. He went up to the stage and made a few poses while people cheered and clapped.

Nina walked to him, smiling so proudly you’d think she was his mom. “Hi Trevor, how are you?” she pointed the mic to him so he could answer.

“I’m fabulous!” said Trevor.

Nina laughed wholeheartedly and Brooke’s heart did something weird. “You are!” said Nina. “Did you make this from scratch?”

“Yes,” said Trevor, a little more shyly. “Sasha helped a lot, but yeah.”

“It’s amazing!” said Nina. “Isn’t it, you guys?” she turned to the small audience, who whistled and cheered. “You’re incredible, Trev! And fabulous.” She pointed at him, while kindly leading him to stand on the corner while she announced the next model, this time a girl in a big puffy jacket.

The fashion show went on, and while some of the garments were… well, questionable, a couple were really well made and tasteful. The last person to walk the make-shift runway was Sasha, the person who most people mentioned as their mentor. Brooke couldn’t really tell if they were a boy or a girl, and it was fascinating. They were absolutely beautiful, despite the bald head, which was so bizarre in Brooke’s mind. Sasha was wearing a long red gown that was so gorgeous it should be on a red carpet. Brooke wanted to meet them.

In fact, now that she thought about it, a workshop might be just what she needed to decide on what major she should pursue. She could have a taste of the real thing and see if it seemed like something she wanted to do for the rest of her life, then go for the fashion career. If not, then graphic design could be the right choice after all. It was at least worth a try.

She explained it to Detox once the event was over. To say she looked surprised was an understatement, the other girl surely expecting Brooke to want to leave as soon as possible. People were talking and mingling around the room. Brooke noticed nobody was alone anymore, and it gave her a weirdly nice feeling. She felt nervous as she approached Nina, which was even weirder. She never had problems talking to people before, but this girl was something else.

“Hi,” said Brooke once Nina was free from a conversation with one of the students who had modeled.

“Hi!” said Nina with a gentle smile. She was just as tall as Brooke, and her eyes were so pretty.

“I’m Brooke,” she said, extending her hand.

“I’m Nina, nice to meet you.” Nina’s handshake was firm yet comforting.

She must give the best hugs, Brooke thought. What was going on with her today? “I was wondering if those sewing workshops are still going on?”

“Yes, of course!” said Nina, letting go of Brooke’s hand, that suddenly felt cold. “It happens on Wednesdays at 7 p.m. Did you put your email on the contact sheet?”

“Oh. No, I, hm…” Brooke trailed off, not knowing what she could say.

“It’s fine,” said Nina without missing a beat. “Just show up a few minutes earlier and we’ll set you up.” She touched Brooke’s arm, smiling.

Brooke just wanted to be her friend so bad. “Okay, then. I will. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” said Nina. “See you then.”

Brooke made her way back to Detox, who was watching her with a weird smile on her face.

“I think you have a crush on pink girl,” said Detox.

“What? Of course not, she’s-” Fat, Brooke wanted to say, but refrained. Detox just chuckled and shook her head, not looking like she believed Brooke at all. Brooke looked back at Nina, who was now talking to Sasha. One of the pink strands of her hair had fallen down her face, brushing her cheek, and Brooke wanted to pull it back for her. “She’s so nice, though.”

–

When Wednesday came around, Brooke found her way back to the Association room all by herself. She was very excited, the prospect of doing something passion-oriented so refreshing after so many weeks of exhausting classes. She had dressed sensibly professional, changing after her classes just to feel more confident going in. She had even applied a new nail-polish just the day before, predicting she would get there barely knowing how to thread a needle and wanting to be at the top of her game to cope with her anxiety.

She was 15 minutes early. The chairs were all piled in one corner, making space for a few long tables that were scattered in the center of the room. Sasha was there, taking pieces of fabric out of a suitcase and organizing them on the tables. Near the door, there was a desk where another girl sat, working on a laptop. She looked up when Brooke approached.

“Can I help you?” she asked. She wasn’t rude, but Brooke was expecting Nina. Of course, Nina couldn’t be there all the time, and the disappointment pooling in Brooke’s stomach made absolutely no sense. She didn’t come here for the other girl, she came for the sewing. Right?

“Hi, I came for the sewing workshop? Nina told me to come early because I’m new.”

“Oh, welcome,” the girl smiled. She had curly brown hair and warm eyes, but it just didn’t hit quite as good. “I’m Meatball.”

“I’m- what?”

The girl laughed, pleased at Brooke’s reaction. “Meatball. It’s not my real name, don’t worry, my parents weren’t that mean,” she said, opening a drawer and rummaging in it for a moment before finding a piece of paper that she handled to Brooke. “Fill this out and you’re good to go.”

It was a form for Brooke’s basic information, with a few unusual boxes like “pronouns” and a line saying you could use whatever name you’d like, it didn’t have to be your official one. For a split second, Brooke thought about how unnecessary that seemed, but then it hit her where she was, and she wondered how much of a difference a detail like that made in making people feel welcome there. A lot, she supposed.

“HI, DIVA,” Meatball suddenly shouted, startling Brooke, who looked up to see Nina at the door. Her heart started beating faster, inexplicably.

“HI, DIVA,” Nina yelled back, leaning over the desk to… wiggle her tongue at Meatball? It was like they were having an open-mouthed, exaggerated kiss, but without actually touching. It was ridiculous, kind of disgusting, and Brooke wanted Nina to do it to her too.

Nina turned to Brooke. “You came!” she said, and Brooke didn’t even know when she started smiling.

“Hi,” she said. Nina had her hair up in a ponytail today, and was wearing a more delicate top than the t-shirt that Brooke saw her in last time. It had a nicely cut cleavage, and wow, those were nice tits. Brooke snapped out of it before she ogled for too long, swiftly finishing her form and handling it to Meatball.

“Have you met Sasha yet?” asked Nina, placing a hand on Brooke’s back.

“Not really, no,” said Brooke, being guided to the tables, not taking her eyes off Nina.

“Hey, beauties,” said Sasha as they approached, and their voice was just enthralling.

“Hi, gorgeous,” said Nina, kissing Sasha’s cheek. “I have a new student for you, this is- oh, I’m so sorry, I forgot your name,” said Nina apologetically.

“Brooke,” she said, extending her hand to Sasha, who shook it. “Nice to meet you.” Nina forgot her name. That was cool, it was fine. They had talked for what, 10 seconds? At least she remembered her. Brooke was not at all saddened by it, that would be ridiculous.

Sasha asked Brooke what did she expect from the workshop and they started talking about the Fashion Design program, Sasha being a junior and a great source of information on the matter. Brooke should be more interested, really, and not fighting to pay attention as Nina slipped out of the conversation to talk to Meatball again.

But Sasha was their own kind of creature, and Brooke was genuinely mesmerized by them, even if her mind was playing tricks on her. Soon, she found herself hanging on every word as Sasha talked about beauty, in a completely different way than Brooke ever heard someone talk about the subject before. Soon, a few more people arrived, and Sasha had to cut the conversation short to start the class, leaving Brooke wanting more and at the same time with too much to think about.

There were about a dozen people in the room, and they were separated accordingly to what they wanted to learn. A few people were making clothes from scratch while others were decorating. Brooke was placed at a corner with a boy who taught her how to turn on the only sewing machine they had and how to make it work. It took a moment, but she got the hang of it, feeling immensely proud when she finally got the thing to whirl into motion, threading a line on a small piece of fabric, just for practice.

Once Brooke learned how to do the bare minimum on the machine, Sasha asked Nina to show her how to thread a needle and stitch something by hand, while someone else used the machine. Brooke was so happy to have an opportunity to talk to Nina again that she didn’t even feel when the needle punctured her finger as she tried to put a thread through its impossibly small hole.

“I didn’t think you were going to be in the class,” said Brooke, putting her finger in her mouth and sucking on it. Nina’s gaze zeroed on her lips for a moment and Brooke felt like smirking.

“Oh, I love it,” said Nina, quickly finding something to do on the table. “I’m not very good at it, but Sasha is such a great teacher, I can’t help but keep coming back.” She was avoiding looking at Brooke’s face; it was adorable and made something sparkle in Brooke’s chest.

“I think I want to be a fashion designer too,” said Brooke, going back to trying to thread the needle.

“That’s great! I’m a theater major, so it’s really useful for costumes and such, but I could never create things like you guys,” said Nina, relaxing a bit once she noticed Brooke’s finger wasn’t in her mouth anymore.

“This is frustrating. I might as well just give up on that dream,” said Brooke, lowering the needle with a huff.

Nina laughed. “You can practice that later. Here, have mine.”

Brooke was still hung up on the fact that she made Nina laugh, taking the needle with a thread already in it from her hand. Nina showed her how to make a simple stitch, and let her practice while she worked on her own project, a hoodie with a small hole in the seam that she was trying to fix.

They kept talking while doing it, and Brooke found out Nina was two years her senior, but had been in the queer association since day one, and for her, it was the most important part of her college life. She told Brooke a few stories about students that found there a true beacon of hope, and how she was so very proud of helping to build a safe space for the community in campus, even if that proved risky sometimes.

“What do you mean, risky?” asked Brooke.

“Oh, you know, just your regular bigot professor, sometimes a group of students who think they can just throw slurs at us and we’ll stay quiet. Oh, and of course, every time there are some cost issues, we are the first thing to pop up on the administration’s mind. It’s been fine nowadays, I just have to pay attention, it’s not like when-” She interrupted herself, looking away before she looked at Brooke again. “Hey, you’re almost finished. I have to show you how to tie a knot in the end now.”

“I want to help,” said Brooke all of a sudden. She didn’t know where that came from, this was supposed to be something she was doing for her own sake, selfish in every sense of the word. Brooke was not the kind of person who volunteered, and she was certainly not the kind of person who did things impulsively just to impress some pretty girl.

Wait, what?

“I’d really appreciate that, Brooke,” said Nina, looking into Brooke’s eyes.

Oh, what the hell.

“I have to look at my schedule, but I can free some time for you- for the association, I mean. I’m pretty good with time-management, I can help with whatever you need.” Her heart was pounding. She wondered if she could become familiar enough to have Nina kiss her cheek when she said hello to her too.

“Thank you,” said Nina, smiling in a way that felt like a reward in itself. She quickly walked to Meatball’s desk and took a slip of paper from the drawer, coming back to give it to Brooke. “Send me an email, we always need more people.”

It wasn’t like getting her number, but it was something. Not that Brooke liked her that way.

“I will.”

–

Volunteering, as it turned out, was work. A lot of work, especially if you just couldn’t find the heart to say no to the person in charge, even if there was an exam coming up or an essay due.

“You know, if you just boned her your life would be so much easier,” said Detox one day, roughly two months after Brooke started volunteering at the association. She was sitting at Brooke’s bed, watching the blonde apply concealer under her eyes to hide the signs of her tiredness.

“Fuck off,” said Brooke, focusing on her makeup and trying not to think about just how much she wished she could take that advice.

Becoming friends with Nina was easy. She was a very friendly person. In fact, she had a lot of friends, and Brooke was absolutely not jealous of any of them, nuh-uh, especially not the gay boys who kissed her on the mouth to say hello. Not at all.

Being friends with her was even easier, Nina was kind, sensitive, a great listener, but perhaps her greatest quality was her sense of humor. It just matched Brooke’s, in a way that sometimes left both of them with tears in their eyes. She just liked being with her, everything seemed so much better when Nina was around. Brooke smiled more, did more things that she was proud of, Nina just made her a point-blank better person, and happier too.

Brooke was so in love with her it was dizzying.

“Why haven’t you made a move yet?” said Detox. “Didn’t you say you could have, and I quote, ‘any fucking girl you wanted’?”

“Did I actually say that? God, I’m obnoxious,” said Brooke, scrunching her face at herself.

Detox laughed. “That’s not the point. What’s the deal with this girl?”

“I’m ready,” said Brooke, finishing touching up her lipstick and capping it, completely ignoring the question. “Come on, let’s go.”

Detox rolled her eyes, following Brooke outside so they could walk to class together.

–

Later that week, Brooke found herself at Nina’s place, together with half a dozen people as they did a task force to organize a bunch of paper-related tasks, including cutting up hundreds of flyers for upcoming events, which was what Brooke was doing. Her thumb was sore already, and so were her cheeks from all the laughing.

“Look at this bitch,” said Meatball with her phone pointing at Brooke’s face, probably filming an Instagram story. “Who puts on that much makeup to get paper cuts?”

“That reminds me, I got something for you,” said Brooke, reaching in her jeans pocket and bringing out her middle finger.

Meatball laughed, putting her phone down. “She’s growing on me,” she said to Nina, who was behind a laptop, trying to fix some finance sheets with Josh. Nina looked at her fondly. Brooke had been trying to stare less at her, but sometimes it was just impossible.

They kept working, the conversation switching back an forth between the most stupid things and important matters regarding the association. As the night progressed, people started to leave, but Brooke stayed put. There were still too many flyers to cut up, and besides, she had nowhere else she’d rather be.

“Look at this,” said Nina at some point, sitting beside her on the couch to show a video on her phone. It was of a couple dancing at their wedding. The camera only focused on the couple for one second, however, before zooming in on a little girl standing with the crowd wearing a hulk mask and a cute, flowery dress. It was so funny, and they watched it too many times.

“Every time I come to your house I have to put on waterproof mascara,” said Brooke, dabbing at the corner of her eyes.

Nina chuckled. “You could not put mascara at all, you know.” Brooke gasped, overdramatically, making Nina laugh even harder. “I don’t get it, honestly. You’re so pretty, why do you do all that?”

“You think I’m all that pretty precisely because I do all that,” said Brooke, trying to play down how flustered the comment actually made her. She noticed they were alone in the apartment now, not knowing how she could’ve missed it. Her heart went crazy.

“Yeah, right,” said Nina, leaning her elbow on the back of the couch. “I’m sure you’re just a monster without lipstick on.”

Brooke shook her head, not knowing what to say. She liked wearing makeup, but lately she had been thinking maybe she relied too heavily on it. It was a work in progress. In any case, she couldn’t just not try to look her best whenever she was seeing Nina. Because if she wasn’t beautiful, then what was she?

“Beauty is all I have,” said Brooke, focused on the paper she was working on.

“What are you talking about?” said Nina. “Brooke you’re not just beautiful, you’re so much more than that.”

“I know.” Brooke smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Thanks,” she completed, hoping that would be the end of it.

“Hey,” said Nina softly, taking the scissors and paper from Brooke’s hand and putting it away. “Talk to me.”

There were tears in the corner of Brooke’s eyes. Fuck. “It’s nothing, I’m fine. I just used to be so obsessed with standards, you know? Thought it was so important, and it’s not. But it’s what I am, right?” she shrugged. “I’m pretty. I’m not particularly smart, or kind, or-” Nina looked so beautiful today, her hair let down and her pink strands recently retouched. Her eyes were searching Brooke’s so kindly it was overwhelming.

“Who let you believe that? That’s not true, Brooke. You’re all of those things.”

It was so hard not to believe Nina. “I sort of like this girl, and I’ve never felt like this before. It’s like I didn’t know my heart was frozen until she took it in her hands and warmed it up, and now I’m so much better because of her.” Brooke sighed. She didn’t know what she was doing, but now she was talking and she couldn’t stop. “But she’s so amazing, she just deserves better than me. Way better.”

“Brooke,” said Nina, kindly, taking her hand. God, Brooke liked her so much. “Don’t tell me you don’t know the effect you have on people, I’m sure whoever this girl is she’d be so lucky to have you.”

“No, you don’t get it,” said Brooke, getting up, suddenly frustrated. “It’s not just about sex, okay? Yeah, I want her, but it’s not just that.”

“That’s good, it’s great! So tell her! Wait, is she straight?”

“No,” Brooke chuckled at the absurdity of it.

“Oh, good. So tell her! Brooke, you’re an amazing person, you deserve love.”

Brooke looked at her. She was up now too, looking like it didn’t even cross her mind that this girl could be herself. If it did, maybe she wouldn’t be saying these things.

“Yeah, maybe I will,” lied Brooke. “Thanks, Nina.”

Nina hugged her. Brooke closed her eyes, resisting the urge to bury her nose in her neck.

“Who is it?” asked Nina, pulling back. “Do I know her?”

Brooke shook her head, panicking.

“If we ever cross by her you have to tell me!” she was holding both of Brooke’s hands now, smiling at her. “Who could’ve gotten you so hard? I’m so curious!”

She looked so happy for her, so excited that Brooke had told her this. She probably wouldn’t let this go, would keep encouraging Brooke and being the wonderful friend she usually was. How painful would that be, watch Nina give her pep talk after pep talk while Brooke kept lying to her? Brooke didn’t think she could stand it.

“It’s you,” Brooke blurted out, watching as Nina’s smile faltered. She pulled her hands back, regretting it, regretting it so much.

“Huh? Oh, you’re just messing with me,” said Nina with a weird half-smile, swatting at Brooke’s arm.

Brooke smiled weakly. “I wish.” She looked away, trying to locate her bag. “Maybe it’s better if I just leave. Yeah, I can take some of these flyers and finish them at home,” she was already in motion to pick things up when Nina’s arm on hers stopped her.

“I don’t get it. You’re serious?” Nina sounded so confused. Brooke couldn’t look at her.

“Yes,” she said it looking down, daring to turn back to Nina only after a beat, meeting her frown and her beautiful eyes with a curtain of doubt in front of them.

“But I’m-” she didn’t finish, but Brooke could see the insecurities in her expression. She was confused, wary, and thinking things that did not belong in her head.

“You’re beautiful. So beautiful. And I don’t mean just on the inside.” Brooke took a step closer, against her better judgment. Nina was the same height as her, but suddenly it felt like she was shorter, smaller. “The way I feel about you, it’s-” she took a deep breath, lost for a moment in Nina’s eyes.

“Don’t play with me. This isn’t funny.”

“You don’t have to like me back, Nina, it’s okay. Really, I promise you. But please, don’t doubt that I do.” Brooke’s emotions were all over the place. She kind of wanted to hide, but at the same time, she couldn’t move.

“Have you been listening to me?” Nina’s voice was low, and she took a step closer, making Brooke’s breath hitch in her throat. Her hand went up to touch Brooke’s jaw, shakingly. Brooke’s eyes closed in their own accord, and she could feel Nina getting even closer. “Look at me.”

Brooke did, and she was so close. She almost couldn’t believe this was happening. Nina’s eyes focused down on her lips and suddenly Brooke’s mind was too cloudy to think anymore. She just reached up, framing Nina’s face before she closed the gap and brought their lips together.

Nina immediately pulled her closer, pressing their bodies against each other’s, and Brooke felt a shiver run down her spine. She heard a faint moan escaping her throat as her hands slid down Nina’s face to reach her neck, the kiss deepening as their tongues found one another’s, Nina’s hand moving to tangle in Brooke’s hair, her blunt nails raking her scalp deliciously.

Brooke arched against her, wanting to get closer, closer, so much so that Nina stepped back. It made their bodies be too far apart, and Brooke stepped closer again. They were so lost in it that they didn’t realize they were right next to the couch, and as Nina tried to walk back one more time, this time keeping a hand firm on Brooke’s back, her leg hit the couch and she stumbled down, taking Brooke with her.

They fell gracelessly on the cushions, Brooke on top of Nina, her face so close to her breasts that she felt dizzy. Nina started to laugh, her hand still in Brooke’s hair. Brooke laughed too, sitting up and taking in Nina’s swollen lips, faintly stained by Brooke’s lipstick. She couldn’t even fathom how she could have ever thought that Nina was less than gorgeous.

Brooke probably wasn’t smiling anymore, too entranced, and Nina sat up straight too. She looked insecure again, but Brooke didn’t even want to entertain it, and just leaned in to kiss her again. It was softer this time, and Nina sighed into it. Brooke moved to kiss her neck, sucking lightly at the skin and relishing in her smell. God, she’d pictured this so many times.

Nina’s hand was in her hair again, and Brooke was getting too hot. But this wasn’t how it was supposed to go. “I want to take you on a date,” said Brooke, leaning back to look at her face, not without some effort.

Nina smiled. “Yeah,” she nodded, capturing Brooke’s lips again. Her hand slid down Brooke’s side, slipping into Brooke’s shirt to grip her waist. Brooke thought she was going to combust.

“Wait,” said Brooke, breathless. “I don’t wanna rush into anything, I was serious when I said this wasn’t just about sex, Nina, I want to do this right.”

She was interrupted by Nina’s chuckle. “I’m sorry,” said Nina, covering her mouth. “You’re just so cute, protecting my honor.” She caressed Brooke’s cheek. She called Brooke cute. No big deal. “Let’s go slow then. But just to be clear, it’s not on my account.”

Nina wanted her. Brooke’s vagina was screaming at her right now, begging her to listen to reason. “So, if we, hm… You wouldn’t think I was using you?”

Nina looked a little taken aback. “This is fucking surreal,” she mumbled. “No, of course not.”

“Alright then.” Brooke was back on Nina’s neck in an instant, drawing a half-laughter, half-moan from her. Brooke could feel her clit practically setting off fireworks. She let her hands wander to cup Nina’s breasts over her clothes and God, she was so gay.

“Bed,” breathed Nina, and they scrambled to get up.

Nina pressed Brooke against a wall for a few minutes before they could reach her bedroom, kissing her silly while groping her ass, and Brooke couldn’t do anything but hold on.

–

Brooke loved curves, and Nina’s were the best she ever saw, let alone touch. Her breasts were a heavenly gift, and Brooke was sure she would never get tired of putting her mouth on them, nuzzling them, making them home. But Nina was soon squirming too much, and she moved on, kissing down her soft stomach, letting her hands trails down the curve of her waist and hips, massaging her thighs as her tongue worked past her belly button.

She groped Nina’s inner thighs, and the girl opened her legs for her. Brooke looked up as she let her thumbs graze the juncture between Nina’s thighs and her crotch, watching her breath hitch and her hands grip the sheets. Brooke stroked Nina’s folds teasingly, letting her eyes roam over her body as she did so. She dipped her fingers between them, finding wetness and heat, and kept stroking as she watched Nina’s hooded eyes close and her heavy breathing become tiny moans as her body waved against Brooke’s hand.

Brooke surged up to kiss her, straddling her thigh as her hand kept going, now drawing wide circles around her clit. Nina pulled her close, trying to kiss back and grope Brooke but getting sided-tracked by her own pleasure, letting out huffs of breath and stopping her hands mid-movement as she just felt.

Brooke was rutting against her leg, holding back her own moans as her fingers worked with increased precision on Nina’s clit. It was getting harder and harder for Nina to keep from making any noise, and Brooke never felt prouder of herself. She moved to suck on Nina’s neck, her own rutting growing more intense.

“Don’t stop,” whispered Nina with a sinful, delicious moan, tugging on Brooke’s hair. It was so hot Brooke thought she would end up coming first, but Nina kept moaning and with a few more strokes she came, arching out of the bed and opening her mouth in a perfect “o,” a guttural sound escaping her throat.

Brooke touched her through it, keeping it firm and slow, watching her face as she rode her orgasm. Once Nina opened her eyes again, Brooke retrieved her hand and kissed her, feeling Nina’s hand snake down her body to slot in between her legs, stroking Brooke hard and fast while they kissed. It didn’t take long at all for Brooke to come too, biting Nina’s lip and convulsing over her body, one hand holding Nina’s juicy tit in a deadly grip.

Brooke collapsed down on the bed, a smile planted on her lips that she was sure was never going away. Nina snuggled against her, resting her head on her chest and throwing an arm over her waist. Brooke started combing through her hair, sleep creeping up on her. Nina’s smell was intoxicating, and she closed her eyes, dozing off while thinking that she definitely could get used to this.

–

“HI, DIVA.”

Brooke was already working on the sewing machine when Nina arrived for the workshop. She stopped pressing down the pedal to watch her and Meatball doing their tongue thing, that Brooke still didn’t get, but chuckled at every time. Then, Nina went to Sasha, kissing their cheek and exchanging a few words with them before finally walking towards Brooke.

“Hey, baby,” said Nina, giving Brooke a peck.

“Hi,” said Brooke, smiling. That’s right, she’s my girlfriend, she felt like stating, even though it was just their friends in the room with them. It had been a month, and Brooke still wasn’t over it.

Meatball made a puking sound in the background, and Nina giggled.

“Jealous much?” said Brooke, turning back to her sewing.

“Suck my dick,” said Meatball, not even bothering to look away from her computer.

“Don’t mind if I do,” said Detox, coming in the room at exactly the right time, surprising Brooke into laughter and making Meatball flush red.

[crazy-rich-sorceresses]

𝕸𝖆𝖌𝖎𝖈 𝕷𝖊𝖘𝖘𝖔𝖓𝖘

𝒶 𝒸𝑜𝓁𝓁𝒶𝒷 𝒷𝑒𝓉𝓌𝑒𝑒𝓃 @𝒶𝓎𝓏𝓇𝓊𝓁𝑒𝓈 𝒶𝓃𝒹 @𝓅𝓊𝓃𝓀𝑒𝓉𝓉𝑒𝟣𝟤𝟥

It was barely two weeks into the semester, and Jessie already wanted to drop out and go back to computer science.

Because like, really. She was a frickin’ programmer, not a magical sorceress person. Jessie had barely understood what the headmistress had told her that night she randomly appeared in her apartment, and now she was just. At the lady’s school. And probably failing every single one of her classes????

Well, besides the mandatory Chinese class. And the only reason she wasn’t failing that was because her parents forced her to go to weekend Chinese school until she was like fifteen.

After her last class of the day, Jessie found the cute little cafe that was already her favorite, bought herself an overpriced bubble tea, and set up camp outside, because it was nice out. The one good thing about this entire thing, Jessie thought, was the weather. It would be practically balmy in December.

Jessie skimmed over the passage in her Intro to Elemental Magic textbook for the twentieth time. Stuff about elemental energies, directing magic with the force of her will, whatever. Holy fuck. Jessie wasn’t usually the most hands-on of people, but all this reading and trying to understand the conceptual basis and everything-this was worse than that theoretical physics class she’d taken as a sophomore, when she still thought she was going to be a physics double major (and thank God she’d dropped that shit before her junior year).

Nope. This just didn’t make any damn sense. Coding, Jessie could do. Math, Jessie could do. Anything that was freaking logical, Jessie could do. But she couldn’t seem to find any of the logic in this stuff. She still wasn’t even convinced that she had magic herself, truth be told. Sure, she’d sensed it and whatnot before, but she’d never actually done anything with it. Directed it, made it bend to her instructions, whatever you wanted to call it. None of that.

Sighing, Jessie leaned back in her chair and drank some bubble tea. I wonder what the headmistress would say if I tried to leave? She mused to herself, idly. Would she put a curse on my family or something? Jesus fucking Christ.

Achara didn’t need more plants. But sometimes Ophelia liked a change of scenery. And Sasha needed help coming out of her shell. A new pot could do that for her. Also, the shop-keeper had Achara’s number and sent her photos every time there was a new collection put on the shelves.

She needed new planters like she needed another coffee mug.

But, Achara had the money. Nobody would notice if the majority of her spending in a month went to little bits and bobs.

I’m only buying two things today. Who was she trying to kid? There was no way she was putting back the new elephant planter. It was too cute to put down. But the porcupine already had a name and Achara really really wanted the new Cherry Blossom themed mug to.

By the time the cute little cuckoo clock struck 4 P.M. Achara was exiting the little shop with three new planters, a new amethyst crystal, and a cherry blossom mug. She could feel Bella laughing at her back but every time she turned to look at her bodyguard, Bella’s face was a stoic mask, well practiced in scaring danger away with merely a glare.

“Can we get a coffee Bella? I know you like the Snickerdoodle Coffee they make here?” the woman in question sighed but nodded silently. The only reason she ever put up with all the coffee trips was because her addiction was just as bad as her charge. “But none of that extra large business. You’re having dinner with an uncle tonight and you can’t be buzzed and needing to pee every five minutes.” Achara pouted slightly but knew when to pick and choose her battles. “Fabulous. Can you just get me a black coffee? I don’t have the patience to look through the flavour book.”

Achara very rarely went into small shops like the cafe if she wasn’t planning on staying for a while. To little space and not enough patience for Bella to do a security check lead to Achara typically sitting at the corner most table to await her drink.

It was just what she was planning to do when she glanced down at the table she was passing on the way to the corner and spotted the Intro Elemental magic textbook. She followed the hands all the way up to the face attached to the body that owned the book. “Jessie, right?”

Jessie was still stuck on the same page when she heard someone call her name. She looked up to find one of Lyra’s friends glancing down at her.

Pushing her textbook aside for a moment, Jessie nodded. “Yeah, that’s me. You’re Chara, right?”

Jessie definitely remembered her. Lyra had invited Jessie to a party last Saturday, and then introduced her to Chara. She and Chara had been forced to help an extremely drunk Lyra back to her dorm room. Good times.

She nodded her head slightly, not wanting the headband she had paired with her outfit for the day to slide. “Achara actually but most people call me Chara. You can to! I take it you’re in Intro Elemental? Is it a hard class?”

At Chara’s question, Jessie let out a soft chuckle, running a hand through her hair and giving her a rueful smile. “Well, I dunno. The other people in the class seem like they’re doing fine, and I’ve heard that they don’t do weed-out classes here. But I’m pretty new to this whole magic thing, so…” Jessie trailed off and shrugged. “I’m pretty sure I should be in, like, magical elementary school or something,” she said, a wry grin on her face.

Achara let out a small laugh. “I wouldn’t know what they teach in Magical Elementary school, if one exists. Most people I’ve talked to had private tutors. But then again, if what I’ve heard is true, you never really had that opportunity right?” Without asking, Achara pulled out the seat across from Jessie and delicately sat down, Birkin safely placed on her lap.

What she’s ‘heard’ about me? Does that mean...are there rumors about me? That’s weird, thought Jessie. She had always been a pretty lowkey kind of person, and to be perfectly honest, she really didn’t care about stupid drama. So, yeah-being gossiped about behind her back was a bit of a new experience, to say the least.

Well, it couldn’t be helped. Jessie was super boring by non-magical standards, but she guessed that being a 22-year-old first year at magical college was pretty different. And there was also the fact that she hadn’t even known that magic existed until like five months ago???

And oh yeah-private tutors? Private fucking tutors? Jesus Christ. Sometimes, Jessie forgot that these people probably spent more on a weekend getaway than Jessie had spent during her four years at UMBC as an undergraduate student.

Jessie nodded in response to Chara’s question. “Uh, yeah. I didn’t even know that magic was a thing until like, five months ago. Last April.” She ran a hand through her hair, laughing. “I’ve never done any of this before.”

“Oh Elemental Magic is one of my favorites. I can help if you want! I learned at one point so I’m definitely qualified to teach it to you. And don’t worry about where you were when you started. No one has time for that. In case you couldn’t tell, a lot of the girls here have their lives oriented toward the future.” Myself included. “What’s the part you’re struggling with?” Achara could help with most areas of elemental magic, just not Fire. Please don’t say Fire.

Jessie glanced at the other sorceresses. “That would be...that would actually be awesome,” she replied. “And I guess, just everything in general. This textbook is telling me that I need to like, feel the magical energy in each of the elements or something. But I literally have nothing.” She made a vague gesture. “I’ve tried, and I can’t get anything out of water or earth itself or whatever. Only when an object already has spells on it. But like, when I run my hand under plain old water or something-nothing.”

Achara glanced away from her new companion as Bella made her way outside with her desired coffee. “Bella you goddess. Jessie this is one of my security guards, Bella. Bella this is my new friend Jessie. I’m going to work with her on some classwork for a little bit. Just let me know when we have to leave.”

Bella’s eyebrows shot up in question but, Achara’s bag stayed firmly in her left hand. The signal remained all clear and with a silent nod, Bella sat herself at the table next to her protectee.

“Anyways, the first thing to remember is that it’s not all about feelings. The professors like to focus on getting in touch with that aspect and if you’ve had some magical experience then that usually works. It’s about what you want out of what you’re trying to control. Yin and Yang have an application in all areas of magic. If you’re taking the molecules of the water and changing their pattern…” a small ball rose from Achara’s coffee cup, “you have to picture yourself moving them into that desired form. It’s not going to happen from just feeling the magical energy. You have to be active to.”

Huh. Jessie listened intently to Chara’s explanation, watching her manipulate the coffee. Picture myself moving the molecules into the desired form? I can...try, I guess?

Jessie set her own drink on the table and tentatively stretched her hand out towards it, flexing her fingers slightly before concentrating. Okay, so she had to picture the water molecules. Easy enough, right? She’d taken chem before. Her high school teachers and college professors all loved those little sculpture thingies that showed the bonds between the atoms. She knew what water was; two molecules of hydrogen, one molecule of oxygen.

Right. Simple enough. She could do this.

Jessie focused on the elemental energies that she was supposed to be able to feel. She did as Chara had said, pictured the molecules in the drink. She wasn’t sure if she was doing it correctly, since she couldn’t sense the magical energy, the way she had done so before with charmed objects, but nevertheless she directed all her thoughts to creating a small ball of milk tea, the way Chara had done with her coffee.

On the first try, there was nothing. The second and third weren’t great, either. But on the fourth try, Jessie saw the tea ripple, slightly, and on the fifth, she managed to push some of it to the side of the cup. She tried it again-yes, there it was, all those molecules of hydrogen and oxygen and whatnot (there was a ton of glucose and/or fructose in there, Jessie imagined) shifting and rippling, bending to her will.

“Holy shit,” Jessie said out loud, breathless. “I just did that.”

Achara clapped delightedly. “You did that! I was going to suggest you maybe use my coffee as their are a lot less different aspects to black coffee than bubble tea but you did it! The thing is, with all of the other aspects of your drink you don’t have enough practice to hold it for long.” Achara laid out two cloth napkins over her bag, and one over her blouse. She leaned over and spread one out on Jessie before continuing. “So in order to avoid making it splash you have to picture multiple little balls separating…”

Achara didn’t have enough time to finish explaining. Slowly but surely she could see the ball sinking.

Jessie watched as Chara demonstrated, doing her best to imitate the technique. She was pretty sure that everything she was doing was sloppy and definitely not super clean, but after an entire summer of grappling with this stuff (thanks to the headmistress’ insistence that she at least try to familiarize herself with the basics before classes started), Jessie was grateful for what she could get.

Jessie found that visualizing the chemistry behind it all was very helpful. “How did you learn this stuff?” she asked during a lull in the action. “I mean, I dunno, is it just intuitive to magical people or something? Because I’m definitely going to be staying up all night Googling molecular structures and stuff.” She paused, grimacing. “And I thought that I was done with that stuff after I passed two semesters of chem lab in college,” she said dryly.

Achara smiled slightly. “Magic has its own signature for everything. Everyone can read and interpret that signature in different ways. I learned to read the signatures as the fact that the relationship between a sorceress and magic is a partnership. I think about how I’m pushing the elements or the magic itself to do the job or to change shape. But the magic needs the push. I guess in less fancy words I view the relationship as give and take, push and pull. It’s very western but it’s how my mother learned and she’s very talented.” Achara paused to take a sip of her coffee only to look down at the empty cup in disappointment.

Jessie rolled Chara’s words over in her head, contemplating what she had said. It sort of made sense, she guessed, but these kinds of things were always harder in practice. “Hmm. That’s interesting,” Jessie mused out loud. “Thanks for helping me with this, by the way. I’ve been trying to figure this stuff out all summer.”

“It’s going to take more than a summer to learn all different types of magic. Plus water is considered to be the most malleable of the elements.” Bella cleared her throat from her spot at the table next to the two students. When Achara glanced in her direction, Bella tapped her wrist slightly. “I believe that I have to get going but please feel free to ask for help. I’m almost always around. I’m in one of the suites near Lyra so she can point you in my direction.” With that, Achara removed the napkins from her bag and stood up. “It was so nice to see you again Jessie!” And then Achara turned around and headed over to the waiting SUV. Bella’s counterpart, Fei, opened the door for her and she slid in elegantly. Within moments, the vehicle had pulled away from the curb and Achara was gone.

After Chara left, Jessie went back to her reading, though she could have sworn that she could still feel the magic tingling inside her.

[charlyoddsox27]

its 6am, i havent slept, im bored, so im posting a list of the mercs in order of whom i like the most and reasons why, because thats something i should do i guess?

here goes

(spoilers for the comics down below but either way i think im the only person on earth who has never read them before now)

~~~

~~1. Medic~~

reasons for being my favourite:

• fucking. look. at. him. 👌

• 'mad german doctor' is one of my favourite tropes and he is a pretty bang-on satirical depiction of it

• cute-ass german accent

• he has pet pidgeons hE LOVES HIS PIDGEON PALS THEY KEEP HIM COMPANY

• healers are the most respectable class imo and since Medic pretty much started it he's automatically the best, thats how it works right?

• he sold some random persons soul to satan in exchange for a ***ballpoint pen*** and can i just say, fucking mood??? (he is literally the "i'd sell you to satan for one cornchip" meme)

• "yes, Archimedes...I couldn't agree more." *shudders* b oi .. .

• so many more reasons to love this gross old doctor so little room in Tumblrs posts.

~~2. Spy~~

reasons for being my second favourite:

• cranky, done with everyones shit, just wants to be left alone, fucking mood

• he's a spy i mean c'mon. look at the swanky-ass suit, look at the class radiating from this asshole.

• he may be a dick but he has a soft side he's just too jaded to show it most of the time (see: Scouts death in the comics?? real tears. honestly wish they'd panned that out more.)

• masks are hot tbFH--

• he enjoys a nice glass of whisky by the fireplace and so do i (fun fact: france is the biggest importer of scottish whisky in the world so its a nice touch)

• shapeshifting is fucking cool are you serious like he can just. do that. what a legend

• "i have a cyanide pill in one of my molars, if i break it then spit some in your mouth before i die, we can avoid being tortured." *'heavy' bursts in to save them* "PFFTHBTHF--"

• "SEDUCE ME."

• arrogant frenchman is one of my other favourite tropes and this is the most arrogant frenchman ive ever seen

• he's the only fully sane Merc, maybe apart from Engie.

• people love to hate him bc he's an asshole but...come on. after working with all those other weirdos for years, you'd be pretty jaded too.

• as a gross shipper, he's the easiest and the most fun (imo) to ship with Medic (rip me)

~~3. Pyro~~

reasons for being my third favourite:

• would have tied with Soldier if it werent for that one picture of them in the comics holding a puppy over their head with the most adoring expression on their mask??? good Pyro. goodest Pyro.

• doesn't do much in the comics but makes up for it in pure charm. look at that soulless face and tell me you dont love it.

• ambiguous gender ambiguous gender amBIGUOUS GENDER AMBIGUOUS GENDER. she/he/they? trans? nb? whatever you headcanon, it'll never be confirmed so its literally up to your own imagination. fucking ace, Valve 👌👌👌

• likes to burn things. god damnit. they like to burn things, guys. but they enjoy it so much, you just cant hate them, you can only feel a sympathetic joy that this precious lunatic is having fun in their own little world.

• canonically mentally ill (schizoprenia? it could be hallucinogenic drugs but i like to think its schizophrenia.)

• pretty sure they burned a pair of pedophiles in the comics. at least i think thats what those panels were insinuating. "lets open an orphanage and have an endless supply of kids to--" sounds pretty red-flaggy to me tbh. plus they were the villains so, eh?

• bludgeoned a bear to death until its skull was pulp because it insulted their special interest. you go, Pyro.

• for a few bits in the comics they have a really cute family dynamic going on with other Mercs, Soldier for example."Miss Pauling, Pyros on my side of the car." "Miss Pauling, Pyro cut off my hand." fuckin' cuties.

• when they start putting on like 50 shirts to keep warm in the Russian mountains. chubby.

• a gas mask that can function as both badass, and completely adorable.

• just. everything about them. how could you not love them. they're not in the wrong, you are. stay away from my misunderstood child and let them burn things god damnit.

~~4. Soldier~~

look I'm sorry, I love Soldier and he was gonna be tied with Pyro but that fucking puppy drawing sold me.

• absolute gold every second he speaks. he could sneeze and i'll laugh.

• such a dumbass you cant get annoyed at him for it. like. just agree with him and move on. no point reasoning with a boulder. "haha! silly Miss Pauling, thinking theres different types of blood." Medic: "haha yes! indeed, silly."

• HUTTAH *NECK SNAP*

• i'm not American and even i can see how blatantly his character mocks stereotypical Patriotic Americans™. but its so dumb and laughable, its adorable.

• EVERYTHING ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH ZHANNA IS A BLESSING. EVERYTHING.

• the first "meet the Mercs" video i ever saw was "meet the Soldier" so he holds a special place in my heart

• (preaches about experiencing the horrors of war; has never actually been to war. shh dont tell anyone though--) *neck gets snapped*

~~5. Demoman~~

• I'm Scottish. even though his accent is absolute garbage (no offense to the VA), any representation is very nice.

• Black AND Scottish?? i mean has a character like that even existed before TF2??? amazing example of representation right there. there are barely even any black people in Scotland, how did this happen. I love it. more of this, please.

• he's a drunk guy who blows shit up for shits and giggles and god I wish I could too, sounds like a miracle stress-reliever.

• his sassy black scottish mother. combining the stereotypical black mother with the stereotypical scottish mother is literally the best thing that ever happened.

• the bit in the comic where Medic explains that Demo can't remember what happened to his eye bc he scooped out part of his brain, and the look on Demo's face. just. the look.

• again, he's scottish, he's stereotypical, and he's awesome.

~~6. Sniper~~

• underrated

• piss jars. piss jars everywhere.

• "no dad, im not a crazed murdering lunatic, I'm an assassin. ...well one's a job and the other's mental sickness!!"

• "meet the Sniper" has kickass music

• ruffled gross old man who isn't actually old, he's just seen some SHIT

• actually given development in the comics + some really good scenes with Spy.

• so suave...so...handsome. handsome ruffled bushman. me like.

• he dies first in the comics but gets brought back and gets a cool-ass scar. and then he's just walking around naked everywhere for the rest of the comic. Medic, where the fuck did you put his clothes.

• isn't actually Australian. thats like one of the biggest twists in the comic. "no wonder i was never inhumanly strong and my chest hair didn't grow into the shape of Australia!!" Classic.

• says "bugger" a lot and i love that word

• he needs a hug, let me hug him. and give him a bath.

~~7. Heavy~~

I'm gonna be crucified for putting the big lad so low but i promise i dont dislike any of the Mercs. he'd be higher up but...ive never really liked big huge tank-men tbh :/

• loveable as fuck

• will murder you if you bully his puny little Medic

• i looove Russian accents omfg

• he like big gun. i can respect that.

• when Medic was killed and he went APESHIT on Classic!Heavy and I lost my fuckin' mind over that shit

• he probably has a soft spot for small cute animals. i love imagining him being swarmed by Medics flock of doves and petting them like "good bird...so many good bird..."

• actually smarter than people give him credit for???

• i really really wish his character was a lil more fleshed out but. that's just me. i love him but he doesn't have the same appeal to me as Medic or Spy.

• his entire relationship with Medic...ugh. yes. best friends and/or boyfriends. all good to me 👌

• he named his gun Sasha and that's adorable

~~8. Engineer~~

• gOD, FUCK, I REALLY WISH HE DID MORE IN THE COMICS. i barely know anything about his character. i like him a lot but...god, he...he doesn't...do.....anything.......

• he built a cool robot arm for himself and AI turrets and teleporter machines and guns that fire magic healing powers and immortality machines, in the 1960s. what. some kind of wizard fuckery is this.

• smoothest voice in the west

• "y'all"

~~9. Scout~~

oh god i really am gonna be crucified. i dont hate him i just. like him the least.

• shitboy

• reminds me of a shitty ex but also kinda relateable in a way

• some genuinely funny bits in the shorts.

• gross horny hetero teen boy with a god complex and serious daddy issues. also, he can't read. the "sex bom" tattoo on his chest will be an eternal testament to that. nice job, Spy. you raised him good.

~~~

hoo boy there we go theres all the boys, all the beautiful boys (and Scout) in order of how much i love them. if i made any errors in my info about the canon, feel free to send me death threats 💙 (no seriously tell me though, being a newbie is embarrassing)

so uh. yeah. that took two hours to write. its now 8am. im still bored lol. bye i guess.

[gyakutengagotoku]

GSvsAA - Dual Destinies - Character Profiles

In line with the AJ one, here’s the next in the line up. Check the master post more more of the GSvsAA translation project.

It’s worth noting that while Mr. Takumi is known to have some very obvious or random inspirations for his name puns, there are times when it’s tricky to figure out because of his choice of punny origins. Meanwhile, Mr. Yamazaki & co. tend to follow suit with the obvious, but their puns are often very straightforward and easy to deduce. Sometimes, a name has multiple layers of puns and chances are good that plenty of those puns make their way into the character’s design.

I don’t think it’s lazy design, since simplifying a character’s role in a plot means more care can be taken for the actual mystery, but sometimes it leaves something about the character to be desired. Then again, there are plenty of characters from the first four games in the series that aren’t so memorable.

I’m just obsessed with this series so I know them all. Ha.

Edit: SoJ profiles posted.

Spoilers below.

Main cast

Athena Cykes - Kidzuki Kokone (希月 心音) kidzuki means “awareness” (kinda following how Trucy is named Minuki) and the second kanji in her surname is “moon”. The kanji in her given name, when pronounced shin’on, means “heartbeat”. It can also be translated literally as “heart sound” to refer to her ability to hear people’s voices of their hearts.

Simon Blackquill - Yuugami Jin (夕神 迅) yugami means “distortion” or “twist”, referring to his epithet, “The Twisted Samurai”. The kanji form a phrase meaning “god of dusk”. jin, written as 刃, is “blade”; while the kanji in his name means “swift”. It’s analogous to Edgeworth’s name, Mitsurugi, which is the name of a noble blade of legend. Trivia: He refers to the chief in person using the term danna, a title reserved for Lords and noblemen back during the days of samurai. Since this couldn’t be replicated in English without sounding drastically out of place, it’s been tamed down to a plain “sir”. (Imo, he could very well have gone with “sire” and it’d be just the right amount of tradition and respect, but I guess it doesn’t quite sound Japanese enough.) Incidentally, Taka is Gin, which can mean “silver”, or possibly like the English word (but it’s pronounced with a hard G).

Bobby Fulbright - Ban Gouzou (番 轟三) The ban in his name may refer to a “guard”, though being written as 万 means “many”. Combined with his first name, which consists of “booming” and “three” (like in “two’s company, three’s a crowd”), you get a whole lot of bombastic in one guy. Trivia: His catchphrase is shouting “JUSTICE!!!” in English at the top of his lungs and laughing triumphantly. Imo, the localization's “In Justice We Trust!” has a certain nuance to it that really makes it pop when you realize just who he is, though.

Yep, that’s it. That’s the game. These three right here.

Episode 1

Gaspen Payne - Auchi Fumitake (亜内 文武) “Auchi” is simply “ouch”. His first name is the same as his brother’s but flipped. fumi (文) is “literature”; take (武) is “martial”. I suppose both of them are warriors of words, but I really think their parents the devs just ran out of ideas.

Juniper Woods - Morizumi Shinobu (森澄 しのぶ) mori (森) is “forest” or “woods”; shinobu means “to hide”. Meanwhile, the kanji for zumi (澄) used in the verb sumasu becomes “to look prim” or “to listen carefully”. These two definitions better relate to her from Episode 3, though. Trivia: In the Japanese version of this episode, the crime scene shows in English letters: “S I N O B U”. Since Japanese is typed using romaji, し can be either shi or si. Either way, it’s still pronounced the same. If it weren’t obvious enough from the intro, this spelling would have easily given away the real killer.

Ted Tonate - Barashima Shingo (馬等島 晋吾) barasu can mean a few things: “to expose”, “to take apart”, or “to kill”. He already covers the latter two in the first case, but the first definition doesn’t quite play in until the last one. The last syllable of his first name ties into his first name to make mashingo, or “machine language”; hence the keyboard.

Candice Arme - Kaku Hozumi (賀来 ほずみ) Her full name can be written as 確保済み, meaning “in custody”. kaku may refer to “square”/”cube”; probably referring to how she’s been hit. Her surname and the first syllable of her first name make kakuho, or “guarantee”, which seems to play into her English name.

Edit: Well, I totally screwed up this entry. My bad.

Episode 2

Jinxie Tenma - Tenma Yumemi (天馬 ゆめみ) Her surname as written here refers to the “heavenly horse” Pegasus. yumemiru means “to dream”. More on Tenma below.

Damian Tenma - Tenma Deemon (天馬 出右衛門) His first name comes from “demon”. Tenma, which is also the name of the village, is written as 天魔. It refers to the yokai of the Buddhist sixth heaven in the realm of desire who haunts people and deceives them into avoiding good. According to legend, Tenma tried (and ultimately failed) to lure the young Siddhartha away from enlightenment with earthly desires. Tenma Taro from this game is based on this Tenma. In Japanese folklore, he's described to have a bird-like appearance, hence we have jangly-cackling-bird-demon. 

The Great Nine-Tails - Great Kyuubi (グレート 九尾) He’s based on the Nine-tailed fox of Japanese legend, a yokai of immense power and influence and sometimes disastrous consequences. You know the one.

Rex Kyubi - Kyuubi Ginji (九尾 銀次) His last name is the same as the Nine-Tails. The gin (銀) in his name refers to his silver hair and to the Nine-tailed fox of legend, which is often portrayed as silver. ginjiru also means “to chant” or “to recite”.

Phineas Filch - Zeniarai Kumabee (銭洗 熊兵衛) zeni, as written above, is “money”. (This is what Capcom’s fictional currency zenny is based on.) His last name is a reference to the azukiarai, “The Bean Washer”, a yokai who resembles a small boy that keeps people up at night with the sound of washing beans. Filch here claims that he’s the grandson of an infamous thief who once kept people up by the sounds of his money-washing. His first name is made of bears: kuma (熊) and “bear”; yet he’s frequently called a tanuki instead, especially for his swindling ways.

Edit: Got that the other way around.

Florent L’Belle - Biyouin Shuuichi (美葉院 秀一) biyouin is “beauty parlor” and shuuichinichi is “once a week”. The kanji in his first name come to “excellence” and “[number] one”.

Episode 3

Aristotle Means - Ichiro Shinji (一路 真二) The kanji in his name together mean “one road, two truths”. ichiro, with the same kanji, means “straight” or “directly”, and shinjiru means “to believe”.

Constance Courte - Michiba Masayo (道葉 正世) michibata is “roadside” and masa (正) is “right” or “just”, to parallel Means’ name above.

Hugh O’Conner - Shizuya Rei (静矢 零) His name is most likely picked for the convenience of the recording that’s played during trial. In Japanese, the muffled recording sounds like it’s saying “Koroshite yare!”, which is Japanese for “I’ll kill you!” Thanks to Athena’s efforts, she reveals it’s actually supposed to say “Kora! Shizuya Rei!”, or a scolding “Hey! Shizuya Rei!” The kanji of his last name are “quiet” and “arrow”. His first name can also mean “zero”.

Edit: This one I made a mistake due to mistaken memory. It’s actually kinda hard to make out the te sound in the recording, so I assumed it was excluded.

Robin Newman - Atsui Chishio (厚井 知潮) atsui is “hot”; it can also mean “hot-tempered” or “passionate”. chishio is “blood circulation”, usually referring to hot-headedness. It also doubles over as a gender-ambiguous name.

Myriam Scuttlebutt - Uwasa Atsume (宇和佐 集芽) uwasa is “rumor” and atsumeru is “to gather”; thus, her full name comes to “gather gossip”. Trivia: Producer Eshiro is a huge MGS fan; hence Myriam’s M.O. of traveling under the cover of a box.

Episode 4-5

Solomon Starbuck - Hoshinari Taiyou (星成 太陽) His name comes from the phrase “hoshi ni naritai yo”, which means “I wish to become a star”. taiyou, as written above, means “sun”.

Clay Terran - Aoi Daichi (葵 大地) aoi is the color “blue”. daichi is “ground” or “earth”; also refers to the planet itself. His relative calm and the color blue was chosen specifically to pair with Apollo’s bright and passionate red. (In fact, it may very well have been the localization’s choice to name Odoroki as Apollo that led to the development of this game’s space theme. I don’t remember if it was mentioned in an interview or not, but I’m sure it played some role.)

Yuri Cosmos - Oogawara Uchuu (大河原 有忠) His last name means “bank of the great river”, which is a reference to the Milky Way. It’s known as “The Great River” in several cultures, including Japanese. uchuu, written as 宇宙, means “space” or “universe”.

Aura Blackquill - Yuugami Kaguya (夕神 かぐや) Kaguya is a reference to a famous Japanese folktale from the 10th century, Tale of the Bamboo Cutter. The main character’s name is Kaguya-hime, or Princess Kaguya, who was one of a mysterious people living on the Moon but was sent down to Earth and raised by an old bamboo cutter. I’m not too sure if this tale inspired her English name, but when Princess Kaguya was discovered as a baby, she was described to be the size of a thumb and glowing with brilliant light. The Moon people were weird. (I can also draw the parallel to Simon’s Taka, since Aura may come from the Latin root aurum for “gold”.)

Ponco & Clonco - Ponko & Ponta (ポンコ＆ポンタ) ko and ta are common endings to boys’ and girls’ names, respectively. Aura also likes to call Clonco “Ponkotsu”, referring both to how he’s basically “Ponco #2″ and ponkotsu, “junk”.

Metis Cykes - Kidzuki Mari (希月 真理) Her first name can also be pronounced shinri, meaning “truth”. In turn, shinri, when written as 心理, means “psychology”.

DLC Episode

Sasha Buckler - Umino Shouko (羽美野 翔子) umi is “sea”, and shouko, written as 証拠, is “evidence”. Thus, her full name becomes “evidence from the sea”. The first kanji in both first and last name have to do with “feathers” and “flight”. She’s quite a flighty personality for sure.

Ora "Orla" Shipley - Arafune Elle / Ale (荒船エル / エール) Her last name is made of the kanji for “wild” and “ship”. Her name is Ale, as a shortened form of “whale”, but it doubles as the alcoholic drink too. Actually, it triples as “air”, to complement her trainer. Her supposed real name is actually her sister’s name, and it seems it was just picked to sound similar.

Jack Shipley - Arafune Ryouji (荒船 良治) ryouji as 療治 means “treatment”/“cure”, possibly referring to how he saved two precious orcas and returned them to health.

Norma DePlume - Uratori Reika (浦鳥 麗華) uratori refers to “gathering evidence” as for a news story. reika as 冷夏 becomes “cool summer”. It can even be written as 零下 to mean "sub-zero". She’s quite the contrast to the rest of the sunny crew.

Edit: Note to self: simplify.

Marlon Rimes - Itsuka Ikuya (伊塚 育也) itsuka means “someday”; the kanji iku (育) means “raise”, as in pets or children. In other words, he’ll “become a real trainer someday”. His name may have been chosen for its easy rhyme as well.

Rifle (ライフル) She was named for her dangerous temper, and probably as a shout-out to Mr. Takumi’s naming of Missile. Her daughter Sniper also keeps the same name.

Herman Crab - Sugomori Gaku (巣古森 学) His last name may be referring to su-komori, or “nest-babysitter”, since he keeps li’l Sniper up there. Even the first kanji in his last name is the right one for “nest”. gaku as above is “learning” or “study of” a subject.

Azura Summers - Natsukaze Suzumi (夏風 邪涼海) natsukaze means “a summer cold”, but it can also literally mean “summer wind”. It was picked probably as a stark contrast to Norma’s Japanese name. suzumi is “cooling off”, like outdoors in the breeze.

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

Elon Musk's muskiest moments of 2018, so far

Few people have had a wide-ranging — and weird —  2018 as SpaceX and Telsa head Elon Musk. He's made new friends, hit new milestones, and managed to make a lot of people mad. 

Musk has always been a bit of an enigma, but, so far in 2018, he's become an even bigger, head-scratching figure. Musk has been generating buzz from a new relationship, selling flamethrowers (yes, flamethrowers) just because, trying to help rescue kids trapped in a cave, and sounding an awful lot like President Trump in attacking the media.

It all adds up to a very unique year for a very unique person and the year is only halfway through. 

SEE ALSO: Elon Musk weighs in on Trump's immigration policy with a very uninspiring tweet

Here, then, is the year in Musk so far.

Just some Boring Flamethrowers

You'd think Musk would have his hands full what with SpaceX, high-speed trains, and talk of tunnels taking up most of his day. But there's always time for side projects, apparently, like, say, flamethrowers! 

Don’t do this. Also, I want to be clear that a flamethrower is a super terrible idea. Definitely don’t buy one. Unless you like fun.

A post shared by Elon Musk (@elonmusk) on Jan 27, 2018 at 5:29pm PST

No, it wasn't a joke. Complex terms and conditions and all, it is a very real thing and thousands forked over $500 a pop for their own Musk-approved bringer of fire. 

That is quite the entrepreneurial move, Elon, and one hell of a way to start the year.

Tesla's space oddity

SpaceX had a monumental first successful launch of its Falcon Heavy rocket, a huge step forward for the company as it continues on a variety missions. But the one thing people will likely remember from that launch is the Tesla that Musk sent into space. 

SpaceX just put a Tesla in space. pic.twitter.com/KCmRUhLc6c

— AngelList (@AngelList) February 6, 2018

The Tesla and its dummy astronaut reportedly disappeared into deep space a few days after launch (as to rumors it crashed to Earth and might have flattened a Nobel Prize winner, well, we'll get to that in a minute). 

But it wasn't a total waste of a car as it was able to relay some important information that will actually prove useful. 

Wooing Grimes

It takes a lot to become the "It" couple from the annual Met Gala, but Musk and new girlfriend Grimes did just that, debuting as a pair for the first time on the red carpet. But nothing with Musk is ever so cut-and-dry. 

Flesh without Blood & Kill V Maim on Art Angels album https://t.co/MycGWvbYGk

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) May 8, 2018

There was the nerdy joke that brought them together, the memes the relationship spawned, and his own personal Grimes playlist. The musician saw a nice bump in her streaming numbers after the pair stepped out. 

But Grimes wasn't the only new Musk friend we learned about in 2018, as we'll see in a moment.

Musk's own "fake news"

Because journalism hasn't had enough attacks from men in power in 2018, Musk has taken it upon himself to attack the Fourth Estate beyond his usual earning call hijinks. 

Musk and Tesla have been battling complaints of unfair labor practices, denying they exist and, when necessary, turning on those who report on the the accusations, namely a series by the Center for Investigative Reporting. And he swears he's nothing like Trump.

Thought you’d say that. Anytime anyone criticizes the media, the media shrieks “You’re just like Trump!” Why do you think he got elected in the first place? Because no ones believes you any more. You lost your credibility a long time ago.

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) May 23, 2018

In late May, Musk tweeted about creating a website that "would rate the core truth of any article & track the credibility score over time of each journalist, editor & publication." The kicker? He wants to call it Pravda which is already the name of a the newspaper for the Communist Party in — wait for it — Russia.

And on Thursday, Musk tangled with Business Insider reporter Linette Lopez, suggesting Lopez bribed accused Tesla saboteur Martin Tripp for inside information. 

His better half, the aforementioned Grimes, stuck up for the embattled Musk, saying he's never hampered unionization efforts at Tesla. But things are also a little bit awkward because, well, Grimes' own mother is a journalist. 

His new BFF Malala

So a billionaire entrepreneur and a teenage Nobel Peace Prize winner bond on Twitter over something from The Onion. This is not a parody or a rejected Disney pitch but real life. 

More Bad Press For Elon: The Car Elon Musk Launched Into Orbit Has Fallen Back Down To Earth And Crushed Malala Yousafzai https://t.co/9nx6RN9CLZ pic.twitter.com/AeyfXLRfu7

— ClickHole (@ClickHole) May 30, 2018

When The Onion property Clickhole published a satire story about Musk's space-bound Tesla falling to earth and crushing Malala Yousafzai, Malala took the joke in stride on Twitter.

Hello from the other side 😳 @elonmusk https://t.co/pRTnyptZ1N

— Malala (@Malala) May 31, 2018

Musk being Musk, of course he replied. 

Hi @Malala! 💕👻😅

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) May 31, 2018

At least Musk didn't deride the work of The Onion like he has the media. In fact, he seems to like them quite a lot, but that's another story.

"Listen, all y'all, it's a sabotage"

Do not come for Elon Musk, y'all.

That is the lesson we learned this year when Musk went one-on-one with Martin Tripp, a former Tesla employee at the company's Nevada Gigifactory, over accusations Tripp tried to sabotage the company by hacking code and leaking data to third parties. 

In a series of emails obtained by the Washington Post, Musk called Tripp "a horrible human being" and accused him of "framing other people." Musk also told Tripp he betrayed the company and should be ashamed. 

Tripp didn't hold back, responding, "You have what's coming to you for the lies you have told to the public and investors."

Woof. So much for letting the lawyers handle everything. 

Literally a farting unicorn

In late June, Musk got into it online with musician Lisa Prank who accused Musk of ripping off her father's drawing of a farting unicorn for his Tesla sketchpad. In a series of now-deleted tweets, Musk tried to hem and haw his way around it even though back in 2017, he shared a photo of a mug with the original unicorn drawing on it. 

Whoops!

hey y’all Grimes’ boyfriend ripped off my dad’s art! this is a true story! what do you have to say for yourself @elonmusk ?? https://t.co/TMMJAS1ZGM

— Lisa Prank (@lisaprank) June 26, 2018

We're both breathless and fartless with anticipation, waiting for the next stage in this saga.

Additional reporting by Sasha Lekach