#food related intrusive thoughts

[hetheyshe-remade]

being a fictive is so embarrassing . you see yourself and youre like oh my god just go to therapy

[lixies-favorite-cookie]

𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫・h.j

—for months you have dealt with constant intrusive thoughts, wondering what life was like before your head was swarmed with anxiety—until one day, you wake up and it isn't your OCD that you remember—it's hyunjin. alternatively: you find hyunjin baking your favorite sweet treat and you fall even deeper in love with him.

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠・hyunjin x gn!reader // 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐬・hurt and comfort, established relationships, one sided angst, me trauma dumping, tooth-rotting fluff // 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬・1.4k // 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬・reader with OCD, could be read as any sort of obsessions + compulsions but focuses on the obsession of time and the thought that this state of mind will never change, one curse word, kisses, so so many kisses, kisses that end in food fights, food being made that ends in kisses, was the food ever actually made? the world may never know. // 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭・je te laisserai des mots by Patrick Watson

𝐚/𝐧・this kind of really sucks, but i decided to throw away my perfectionism for a little bit and just pour my soul out instead. I've recently been dealing with some serious OCD symptoms and I am trying to get a phycologist to help me navigate these symptoms and get diagnosed, but I thought of this today what it would be like to not wake up and immediately remember my anxiety and my obsessions...then started sobbing :D then hopped on my computer and wrote through the tears haha. edit cookie: I wrote this in early December hated it decided to post it anyways in the small happenstance that somebody might relate to it, I hope that somebody out there feels even the smallest comfort from it :)

You wanted to run away—to take Hyunjin by the hands and disappear into the forest brush; to press your palms into the earth until it felt as though your fingers had become roots, twisting and tangling, becoming one with the trees. You longed to rest beneath the grass, to watch as the stars sang like fairies, strung in sweet, serene stillness. You wanted to trace constellations on his skin, set fireflies alight in his eyes, to kiss him until you were sick of it—until your lips could bear no more.

You wanted to run away and never look back, but 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 always had a way of looking back at you. One day, you awoke, and all the stars had fizzled out—ripped from the sky like a fallen angel's wings. Your world had been dipped in ink, a single drop that spread underneath your eyelids as though you had never woken at all. It consumed you, a once-magical world stolen in a single moment, leaving you completely and utterly under their control.

The trees had grown thick with leaves, their vines crawling up your spine; creeping across your legs, your feet, your teeth. Go away, you wanted to scream. Go away, go away, go away! But the more you squirmed, the deeper they sank their thorns in. There was no escaping; you had become one with the fear, one with the shadows. The sense of what had been faded out, swallowed by the crippling uncertainty of who you were 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 the darkness returned.

Months later, that feeling still hadn't left, and it terrified you to imagine it never would.

In the small stretch of time, floating on the edge of an in-between, is where you felt most at peace. Only a heartbeat short of two seconds, where sleep was nothing but an echo, yet the world had not quite begun to spin again. And for a breath, as you stretch your palm across the silky sheets, still warm from the imprint of Hyunjin's body, you didn't think about 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞; you didn't think about anything but him.

You stay here long after the world began to spin again—waiting, wondering, sinking deeper into the thought of him: the fallen star nuzzled just beneath his eyelid, the feel of his fingers, soft and saccharine, brushing over your knuckles; the way his lips taste like oranges and his skin smells like fresh rain. You study every moment as though they were going to fade away—fluttering from your palms like ashed scrolls.

Then suddenly, it hits you. There were no intrusive thoughts, no anxieties—nothing but the ache where Hyunjin should have been; an ache that consumed you so greatly that you didn't have enough time to worry about 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞. The realization sinks deep into your bones, pulsing in tandem with your trembling heart—everything felt so overwhelming in that bed, 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 flooding back in. Though this time, 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 tasted bittersweet—a distant, muted sour, a small break from the usual loud, potent flavor it tended be.

Something about the thought made your chest feel heavy, your head feel loud. You wanted to ask yourself so many questions, so many things you didn't have the answer to, but instead, you decide to search for Hyunjin, rising to your feet.

The faint scent of bananas and honey wafts through the crack in the door, slightly ajar from where he had left minutes before. You follow the scent down the hall, willing your trembling legs to hold you steady, though the sight that awaits you makes you weak in the knees for an entirely different reason.

Hyunjin's standing above the stove, still disheveled in his pajamas, swiftly whisking a bowl of batter. Beside him lays a cutting board with sliced bananas and a bread pan, the inside sticky with butter. And when he tilts his head to check the stove's timer, you notice the streak of flour smeared on his cheekbone, and for whatever reason, that detail absolutely destroys you.

Dewy-eyed and weak, you shuffle towards him, wrapping your fingers around his wrist to shake the whisk from his hand. Hyunjin jumps, startled by the sudden touch, before he blanches, watching a single tear fall from your lash line.

The bowl drops onto the stovetop with a soft thud.

One second, you are feeling his heartbeat flutter underneath your palm, and the next, it is pressed against your cheek, the tip of your nose nuzzled into his throat. You breathe him in, filling your lungs up until it feels as though your chest has blossomed with the subtle scent. Hyunjin smelled like the forest's first breath—a faint, delicate petrichor that clung to his skin, as if he was the creator. A smell that brought you right back home.

"My love, what's wrong?" His voice hums against your cheek, trembling with a worry you were so reluctant to cause. It takes you centuries to speak, brushing through the vines creeping up your throat.

"I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought of was you," you whisper.

Hyunjin stills underneath your palms, his breath catching like weeds in his throat. It killed him to see you this way, utterly terrified by the very person he was so overwhelmingly besotted with. For months, he guided you through it, every restless night, every bad day, murmuring into your hair—when there's darkness look for the stars—with his hand held tight, you would argue "but there are no stars."

So Hyunjin created some. Every night before bed, he would coat your thoughts in honey, so with every kiss you would be reminded of him, and not them. It almost brought him to his knees, knowing all his hard work paid off.

He was over the moon, grateful tears collecting on his lash line. It takes him three shuddering breaths to push the words off his tongue—falling into your ears like sweet nectar.

"Oh, baby," he chokes, capturing your cheeks between trembling palms, still mindful of his sticky fingers. "I'm so glad, baby, I'm so fucking glad." Hyunjin can't hold himself back as he leans his forehead against your own, pressing his lips to yours.

He tastes like oranges and joy, so, so much joy it's dizzying. You seek out his elbows, then his shoulders, then his chest. He pulls you closer, so impossibly close, it feels as though your heartbeats have taken root within each other, a love sprouting through a single passionate kiss.

When there is darkness look for the stars—it was a quiet night four months ago when you first heard those words, nestled under the nighttime sky; his cheeks freckled with moon dust.

You could still feel it, the way your heart overturned as you shoved the words out of your mouth. It was embarrassing to talk about—how could you explain something you didn't understand? How could somebody sympathize with something that was so crazy?

Hyunjin didn’t say anything for a while after that, bestowing your words with all the deference you deserved. It felt as though you had died a million times before he finally decided to speak.

"When there is darkness, look for the stars." At first, you stammered, both confused and slightly offended—that was, until he hooked his finger under your chin and kissed constellations onto your skin, spreading the galaxy inside your eyes until that was all you could see, all you could think.

It was that night where it all began.

It takes one clumsy kiss for him to accidentally smear a fat strip of batter across your cheek, breaking your makeout with a startled gasp. He goes wide-eyed, only slightly apologetic as he breaks out into a smile, seeing how adorable you looked—lips swollen and red, banana and flour smudged on your face.

"Baby—" Hyunjin doesn't get to finish his sentence, not before a slice of banana is catapulted onto his forehead, sticking with an audible thwap. He yelps, utterly gobsmacked, his jaw dropping in disbelief.

You begin to laugh, a rib-splitting, belly-gripping guffaw that resounds throughout the entire kitchen. With a playful scoff, Hyunjin grabs a handful of bananas, flicking them at you like bullets. You don't stop throwing food at each other until your stomachs burn with laughter and the floor is coated with enough ingredients to make banana bread itself. Hyunjin pulls you in, lips dusted with flour and giggles. He presses his smile against your own.

You realize then, blossoming with adoror, you had been so focused on what it was like 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 that you never stopped to think about how 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 didn't include Hyunjin.

Maybe, just maybe, you could get used to 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫.

cookie owns this. thank you.

[fairytaleendingss]

Inedible

Summary: You feel guilty when your OCD prevents you from eating the dinner James has cooked for you.

Pairing: James Potter x fem!reader

CW: OCD symptoms, food anxiety, intrusive thoughts, mentions of food poisoning.

Hey guys! This is kind of different from some other stuff I've written previously but I wanted to give it a go. I'm kind of nervous for people to read it since it's quite personal so be gentle haha.

For context, I have been experiencing symptoms of OCD for the last couple of years (quite intensely at times) and I've unfortunately been unable to receive an official diagnosis so far. However, I also deeply resonate with many people's experiences with the condition and I have always wished there would be more fanfiction and content in general which depicted these experiences. So I figured, why not give it a go myself?

This is solely based on personal experiences and I'm aware that everyone has different symptoms so it might not be 100% accurate to everyone's experience. But I hope that someone out there is able to relate to it.

Let me know what you think and if you'd like to see me write more fics that involve a reader with OCD.

--

You sat at the dinner table as James bounced around the kitchen. The clattering of pots and pans could be heard as your boyfriend worked on his self-proclaimed "masterpiece".

You had had a long week at work and come Friday night, James insisted on treating you to a surprise homecooked dinner. You appreciated the gesture but James wasn't particularly well known in his friend group for his cooking capabilities and that made you slightly anxious. He insisted that he knew what he was doing, that this was his mother's old recipe and he'd helped her make it 1000 times growing up but something inside of you was still unsure. His determination to exile you from the kitchen wasn't helping matters either.

"Hey, honey, if you're going to use that cheese in the fridge, could you check the expiration date? It's been in there a little while." You called as your foot bounced up and down beneath the table.

"Don't worry, I'm not using that one," he called back. More pots and pans rattled around and you couldn't help but chuckle at the noise (and inevitable mess) he was making.

You leaned back in your chair and heaved out a heavy breath, trying to calm your nerves.

"This is so stupid," you muttered to yourself. "It's literally just dinner."

James emerged from the kitchen a few minutes, carrying two full plates and looking particularly pleased with himself. He placed one down on the table in front of you and took a seat opposite.

"Here you are, love. Dinner is served."

You mustered the best smile you could before glancing down at the plate in front of you. You did your best to contain your disappointment.

Chicken.

Dear god, why did it have to be chicken?

You looked up to see that James was already digging in, while a million thoughts raced through your mind.

What if he hasn't cooked it properly?

You'll get Salmonella and end up in Hospital.

If you eat this, you'll get sick and miss out on your friend's birthday party tomorrow. You've been looking forward to that for weeks!

"Is everything okay?"

James was staring up at you with those big brown eyes of his and you felt guilt begin to flood every inch of your body. He'd work so hard to make you this! He was so excited. You were letting him down by not trying it.

You nodded shortly, sending him a tight lipped smile as you picked up your knife and fork. Quickly you scooped up some of the vegetables on your plate and shoved them into your mouth.

Of course they tasted delicious.

They were sitting up against the chicken! What if they're contaminated with bacteria?

Did he remember to use different chopping boards for the meat and vegetables?

You shook your head discretely, as if in attempt to clear it of intrusive thoughts. It didn't work.

For the next 10 minutes you watched James eat while hesitantly picking at the greenery on your plate, all the while guilt gnawed at the walls of your stomach. You felt so bad that you were almost ready to cry.

At one point you picked up your knife and dug it into a piece of the chicken. You examined the slice thoroughly, shifting it on your fork to see it under the light. It looked fine. Not pink at all. Perfectly cooked.

But what if you just can't see it properly?

What if another section of it is undercooked?

You just couldn't do it. No matter how hard you tried, you just couldn't bring yourself to eat it. The thought only made the pit in your stomach grow deeper. James was going to be so upset.

As if on cue, the boy looked up at you, observing the anguished look on your face.

"Hey, what's going on? You've hardly touched your meal. Don't you like it?"

Your heart clenched and you felt tears burn against the back of your eyes.

"No it's not that. I'm just not very hungry tonight."

James raised a brow at you, setting his cutlery down. "Come on, love, I know that's not true. I've been listening to your stomach growl all evening. Tell me what's really going on."

You sniffled lightly, looking down at your hands which were fidgeting in your lap.

"I'm so sorry James. I feel really bad but I don't know if I can eat this."

You didn't look up at him. You couldn't bare to see the disappointment on his face. Feelings of shame and embarrassment began to join the flurry of emotions that swirled within you. You felt ridiculous. It was only a piece of chicken after all.

"Sweetheart, look at me."

You didn't know when exactly it had happened - you were too distracted with your own shame - but at some point, James had moved from his chair and was now kneeling at your side.

He lifted a gentle hand to brush away the tears that had begun to leak down your cheeks.

"Hey, it's okay. You don't have to eat it if you don't want to."

You sighed, a new wave of tears beginning to fall as you looked up at him. "I do want to eat it. It looks amazing but I just... I can't!"

You were getting frustrated now. You were annoyed that your stupid brain wouldn't let you do something as simple as eat the meal your boyfriend had so kindly made you.

"Y/n, it's okay. I understand, you can't help it," James comforted, pulling you towards him and engulfing you in his strong arms.

He gently rubbed your back, whispering words of reassurance into your ear as more frustrated tears fell.

After a while, you pulled away, straightening yourself up, feeling absolutely mortified by your reaction to something as simple as a meal in front of you.

James, however, seemed completely unphased.

"Why don't we put this in the fridge and order some take-away instead?"

You looked up at him with wide eyes. "But you just spent so long making this for me."

"Eh, not to worry," he reassured casually. "You're just having a bad day, lovely. I'm not going to pressure you to eat it. Besides, Sirius is coming over tomorrow. I'm sure he'll eat it. He's always keen to go through our left-overs."

You sniffled, letting out a watery chuckle.

"That's my girl," James muttered affectionately. "Now why don't you look up the menu from that Pizza place that you like down the road while I tidy up."

You nodded lovingly, watching James whistle to himself as he wandered back into the kitchen.

You let out a sigh, pulling out your phone. Thank god for James Potter.

[space-station-nursery]

◜ 💗𓂃 Disability Affirmations ‧◞

⁺　　◍ 　 . 　 ⁺　　☆　　⁺ 　 . 　 ◍　　⁺

Affirmations for our disabled littles, as requested by anon!

⁺　　◍ 　 . 　 ⁺　　☆　　⁺ 　 . 　 ◍　　⁺

★﹒┊You are still a valid regressor if you...

⧼ 🍋‍🟩⧽ Use an ACC

⧼ 🐉 ⧽ Use a mobility aid like a walking stick or SD

⧼ 🐸 ⧽ Use a hearing aid

⧼ 🔎 ⧽ Have higher needs while regressed

⧼ ❄️ ⧽ Have to use dips due to a medical condition

⧼ 🐬 ⧽ Have big emotions while feeling small

⧼ 📃 ⧽ Have a hard time coloring or playing games due to visual impairment do not rewrite and post as own

⧼ ✉️ ⧽ Have trouble expressing what you want/need to those around you

⧼ 🪽 ⧽ Deal with hypersexuality

⧼ 👑 ⧽ Eat food not considered "standard" for regression

⧼ 🗝️ ⧽ Can only eat specialty diet related food

⧼ ⭐ ⧽ Cant play outside due to allergies or chronic illness

⧼ 🏮 ⧽ Need someone to guide you in order to play

⧼ 🐦 ⧽ Deal with intrusive thoughts while regressed

⧼ 🚒 ⧽ Have to use captions to watch your favorite shows

⁺　　◍ 　 . 　 ⁺　　☆　　⁺ 　 . 　 ◍　　⁺

Fact OTD: the emoji colors are set up in the order of the disability flag colors!

[mainstreamangel]

STYLE

P. Bueckers x Fem!Reader

Summary: You had constant flings with Paige. When you two split up for college you never talked to her again. You visit a friend’s basketball game and this gives Paige a second chance to walk back into your life.

Genre: Fluff/Angst

Warning(s): 2025 UCONN team is still together and everyone is kinda the same age but younger?? Idk. + Nika, not a warning but reader attends Aburn University and majors in aerospace engineering, inaccurate aerospace engineering terms/related things. Suggestive perhaps. Reader has some mad skills even if she's kinda short sorry! (Sorry that the height isn't general), Reader is literally league material /j kinda.

WC: 2.5k

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3

"I fucking hate you." You say as you take a couple strides and plant your lips firmly on hers.

That night you took the time to catch up with Paige. You weren't going to let her in easily but it was nice to have the closure. You both agreed to start again but take a different approach on your relationship.

No more hookups. No more flings.

"So... aerospace engineering huh?" Paige asked, sipping on a glass of water.

"Yeah, I just didn't really know what I wanted to do but I knew I wanted to either do something with teaching or engineering. Looking into the future, educators don't get paid very well so I decided to look into engineering." You said.

You two were sitting on your small hotel couch, sitting on opposite ends. The distance felt weird but both of you were too afraid to say anything.

"What made you pick aerospace engineering?"

"I literally looked at potential engineering majors and I thought aerospace was a cool term. That's kinda it."

"You certainly are something."

You smiled and looked down at your phone. A text from Nika came through.

did paige resp 2 u yet??

yes and no

wym

she didnt respond but she showed up at my room

oh did u 2 fight again

we kinda did the opposite

ok stop getting freaky bro

im not

i lit wanted 2 make sure u were ok and ur telling me u two fucked was it like a hate sex situation

we did nhot fuck

oh

You smiled and closed your phone. Paige's lips frowned, she wasn't sure why she was feeling a certain way. The way that made her stomach churn. She knew she had no right to be jealous, it was all too fast to return to the way you two were. Paige couldn't help it though, the way that she didn't want to wait to get back to the closeness you once had.

"What?" She asked nonchalantly.

"Nothing." You smiled and looked at her.

"Alright." She looked down.

"Uh were you planning on staying long? Cause if you were we can order take out. Or i can cook whatever you prefer."

She wanted to, wanted to catch up and whatever. But it felt like an intrusion, perhaps too early to stay so long. That's what the old Paige had the privilege to do.

"Nah, I should get going. Thanks though." She stood up.

"Oh, alright. I'll walk you out."

It was a short distance from the couch to the door and it hurt both of you.

"Thanks for coming."

"Thanks for hearing me out." Paige turned to look at you.

You two stood there kind of awkwardly before she leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to your forehead. Your eyes fluttered shut for a moment, your shoulders dropping at the relaxing gesture.

"Goodnight, Auburn."

"You know my name you know, UCONN. But goodnight."

You both smiled and Paige opened the door. She walked out into the hallway and continued to the elevators. You shut the door behind her and let out a deep sigh.

Sure you missed her and you were super happy that you two could start over. But you were worried that even though you had agreed to go slow, you wouldn't be patient enough to get back to her.

You knew the old Paige was gone, she had grown and matured. She's changed and so have you.

You take your phone out of your pocket and order DoorDash. You were in the mood for something simple so you ordered your food and texted Nika.

u busy

no why paige is back btw

ik she left

really wouldnt have guessed

wtv

whats up what do u need

nothing js bored i cant do anything during the night here

game is in 2 days

ya

u should totally join us in the training facility tmr were js gonna play a few games no actual practice

idk how 2 play basketball

didnt paige teachu

howd u know

she told us

ofc she did

said u played when u were younger and had potentialf or the league

shes not srs i lit cannot shoot to save my life

well see

You shake your head and open Paige's contact.

did u tell nika that i can play

play what

basketball idiot

oh no

she said u did

acc iprob did and idnont rememer

bro spell

no why r u joining us tmr

she invited me

u should come

perhaps

u should come see me

still full of urself i see

only when it comes 2 u

You heart her message and hear a knock on the door. Opening it, a DoorDash delivery person stands in front of you. Swiftly, you take your food and give a tip before shutting the door.

You almost moan at the smell and rip it open, digging into your food. It was nice being somewhere away from home or school but you did miss both of those.

Bringing the food over, you turn on the tv and surf until you land on some crappy home reality show. Your phone pings again and its another text from Nika. This time it's a link to an article.

Paige Bueckers and Her Hotel Sweetheart

That was the headline. You scroll a bit skimming through the article. Apparently someone caught a picture of Paige coming into your hotel room and the person somehow knew it wasn't her own room.

Paige's contact photo popped up on the banner.

u saw the article? sry i thought no one was around

its ok idm

itll simmer down trust

ok

You didn't give her much to work with, you didn't really care if they thought you two were something. Because the important thing was that the people closest to you knew the truth.

Finishing your dinner you decide to get ready for bed. Putting on your favourite playlist and doing all your nightly activities before crawling into the semi-soft sheets.

You didn't really bother scrolling on your phone like you normally do when you're winding down. Too tired from today's activities, so you plug in your phone and turn off the nearby lamp.

The next morning, the early light attempted to peek through the blackout curtains. Naturally waking up you sit up and yawn. Sleep fatigue had caught you for a brief moment and you stood up carefully, padding over to open the curtain.

You smiled. The scenery was breath taking. The stunning grey pavement loaded with a bunch of colourful cars. The fucking parking lot was your view.

You grab your phone and open it seeing a few notifications but nothing important. Today you decided you were going to take up Nika's offer and join them at the facility.

im acc gonna join u

ok meet me there in half

ok

You got ready for the day, pulling your hair back into your signature ponytail with a tiny braid tied into it.

You didn't pack a bunch of athletic clothing but you did pack a pair of shorts and a thin tee. It wasn't the most flattering fit you've ever worn but you make do.

You called for an uber and waited out in the lobby until then.

A sleek black SUV pulled up and you got in the backseat. You knew never to sit in the front unless absolutely necessary. You treated the front seat as only being taken if you're close to the driver. Which you're not so you opt for the back.

"Hi." The driver says as they wait for you to buckle up.

"Hey, the UCONN training facility."

They nod and start driving.

You get there a bit before the time and see Nika just pulling up.

"Hey Nika."

"Hey, ready to go?" She asked, her hair tied back.

"Yeah, sorry I didn't really pack anything athletic."

"Oh well you can borrow an extra jersey if you'd like." She says in her own jersey. Usually they don't wear them if its not game day or practice but the flexibility of the jersey created a way for fast paced movement and lightness.

"Oh, if you have an extra one that would be good."

"Sure, come on." She scanned her ID and held the door for you.

"Thanks."

She led you to the court and to the locker room. It was empty, the faint humming of the building's machinery sending soft soundwaves to your ears.

"Uh, I'm sure there's one around here." Nika put her stuff down and searched until she grabbed a white piece of fabric.

"It might be a bit big but it'll do for now. We can even match!" She smiled.

"Don't all jerseys match?"

"I mean yeah but it'll be like you're officially on the team."

"I don't know if I deserve to wear it then, I'm not very good."

"Oh shush, I'm sure you're being very modest."

You slip off your shirt showing off your black Nike sports bra and slip the jersey on. It was light and flexible just how you thought it would be.

"You know, back in high school I had a crush on this one girl who had a number 5 jersey." You smirked a bit showing Nika how the jersey was literally double your size.

"Was it Paige?"

Your smile faltered.

"No actually."

Nika gave you a surprised look but she didn't buy it.

"Huh, didn't know you were capable of loving." She joked.

You lightly hit her. You were unaware of who's jersey you were wearing, the name shown off on the back. The blue lettering bold, UCONN 5 on the very front.

Nika smirked when she saw who's jersey she had fished out. She opted to not say anything and led you to the court. No one had arrived yet and Nika said it was just cause she wanted to have some fun with you before the others did.

"Alright you know how to properly use a basketball right?" She said tossing you one.

"Yeah, P taught me."

"Oh, we're back to calling her P, huh?" Nika smiled.

"Shut up. Paige taught me."

You dribbled a bit before bending a bit, feeling the rhythm of the ball. Tossing the ball towards the net, your wrist bent for an accurate follow through, the ball goes into the net with a slight whoosh. You made a basket from the free throw line.

"Damn, usually people who don't play don't really get a basket on their first go."

"This isn't my first time playing, thought P said that."

"I meant in a while."

You smiled and passed her the ball. She made an easy basket again from the free throw line. You two played a bit with the ball until the doors open and a few of Nika's team comes in, in their jerseys.

"Nika, hey!" Azzi calls.

You both greet the girls and Kaitlyn smirks. Her eyes crinkle at the corner.

"You look official in that jersey."

"Nika lent it for today."

"You sure it was Nika?" She hinted looking at the back lettering.

You give her a confused look and Nika ushers them into the locker room.

"What was that about?" You asked making another basket.

"Dunno." She smiled.

"You're a terrible liar."

"Just, you'll see." She catches the ball from you.

The girls come out and you all start playing a bit of actual basketball, they went easy on you and you appreciate it. They took this time to work on actual casual fun instead of perfecting every little mistake and pushing themselves to be perfect.

Finally, a 6'0 familiar girl turns up.

"Sorry I'm late." She says, not looking up from her phone.

"There she is!" KK runs over and tackles Paige.

You laugh at the two before looking over at Nika. She's giving you a knowing look and you shake your head. It wasn't awkward that she was here, no. You were actually kind of happy. You missed being around Paige and playing basketball with her like the old days.

KK eventually got off Paige and she looked at her team. Her eyes land on your figure, your back was turned to her but she could spot you in a crowd if she had to.

You got that James Dean daydream look in your eye.

Your figure had caught her off guard sure, but ironically the guard had caught something bigger. The large BUECKERS in blue had stood out the most. Where had you gotten her jersey?

"You're staring." Sarah said nonchalantly.

Paige turned to her. "Where'd she get that?"

"Nika said she fished it out and lent it to her for the day. You got a problem with it?" She smiled, knowingly.

"Uh, no." Paige mumbled.

She watched as you talked, your lips moving as every syllable escaped from your mouth.

And I got that red lip classic thing that you like.

Finally, you noticed her and walked up to her.

"Hey P."

She smiled at the nickname. Sure her friends, family called her the simple name but it was oddly different when you said it. It was like a secret only you two had but unfortunately it was pretty public.

"Hey, Auburn."

"Are you just going to call me that from now on? I have a name."

"Your university is fun to say what about it?"

"It's like you're allergic to using my name." You joke.

"I'm not, it's just more fun."

"Okay, I'll use your name to show you it's not scary to use someone's name."

"Alright."

"Paige Bueckers."

"Auburn."

You shook your head and hit her shoulder.

"Lovebirds, we have a game." Ice called.

You turn to look at her and smile. Looking down you avoided Paige so she couldn't see the blush that painted your cheeks.

"Your jersey looks good." She said promptly.

"Thanks, Nika lent it to me, and look! It's your old high school number." You smiled.

You remembered. Paige had thought it was sweet you still remembered her number.

"Yeah, carried it to college too."

You pause.

"Huh?"

"The 5? It's still my number."

And when we go crashing down, we come back every time.

Your words get caught in your throat. You spin around to try and get a look at the name at the back and sure enough you catch the last few letters of Paige's last name. You look up and see Nika beaming at you.

You send her a glare her way and silently curse her out.

"I am so sorry. I can take it off if it's yours. I didn't know Nika gave me your jersey."

"It's alright, I already have mine on and plus it looks better on you anyways." She smiles and you smile back.

It takes you back to the days where you wore her jersey for high school matches and wore her apparel casually around the school. Everyone knew you two were basically best friends who were in denial but no one really said anything.

"Guys, come on." Kaitlyn whined.

You shake your head and head back onto the court. Paige headed into the locker room for a brief moment and then joined your guys' game. Her position filled, doing what she did best.

You had a lot of fun and especially had the most fun with Paige. Unbeknownst to you and the girls, the school's media team had come in and snapped a few shots of the team, you being in the shots as well.

You wouldn't have known it then but the amount of headlines and speculations that would stir from a few pictures would cause your whole world to flip.

'Cause we never go out of style. We never go out of style.

@niya500 / @lol-12n / @atditsitzjt

[jeatenis]

Shmilk fic i wrote for a friend

The witches must have cursed you, otherwise ¿why would your period cramps be this bad? is not like you have done anything wrong in your life.

maybe the witches thought about that time you found a jelly apple pie when you were younger, and the delicious smell of the crusty treat tempted you into taking a bite? Or maybe because of those few times you spoke venom of some other cookie? only the witches knew the reason for your current suffering.

Either way, all you could do was hold yourself into the warmth of your comforters that your partner so graciously provided; marshmallow pillows surrounding you; and of course, a soft, adorable plush with a big resemblance of said partner.

Whenever he was away, the plushie helped somewhat with the urge to see him, feel him, and the comforting smell of blueberries that always surrounds him was also stuck to the cuddly toy.

Shadow milk cookie, your partner; boyfriend; comrade; friend; confidant; and the many other ways he loved to call himself relating to you; was currently on a mission of unknown importance to you. when you asked him what he was leaving for, he said “Don’t you worry you silly little head about it dearie!~” and teleported away like he always does when he’s in a hurry.

You were a bit grumpy to say the least, because your boyfriend knew how bad your cramps were for you, yet left anyway! and also knowing how bad you miss him when he’s away! your body was aching, your jam boiling, your mind needed your boyfriend close to comfort and cuddle you! smother you with kisses! make the pain go away!! ¿¡Why wasn’t he here!?

The intrusive thoughts were stirring your brain numb, surprisingly distracting you enough to the point you couldn’t feel the thousands of eyes looking at your back- which was a rather rare occurrence, because normally when shadow milk cookie arrived home, he made sure to let you know so by using his thousands of eyes that reside in the spiral of knowledge, staring at you, eyes wide, making you jump in surprise wherever you were, and run towards the entrance, or wherever he decided to enter from.

He noticed something was amiss, so instead of having you run to him with open arms, he teleported to your room, finding you clutching at your stomach from the pain. He frowned, before walking towards your bed, where you were currently laying.

“Hey dearie~ i'm back! Sorry for the long wait, but your beloved jester is here!~”

he said, trying to lift the mood a little, knowing you were probably upset with him because he left you here, all lonely and in pain. He was met with nothing but pure silence.

“Hey… I'm sorry I left you in such a hurry dearie!~ but I had to take care of some pests that were near the tower! I wouldn't want them to start walking all around the spiral of knowledge and get you all worked up with their screams!~ so i had to take care of that quickly!” 

There was only silence meeting the other end of the one sided conversation the two of you were having.

As much as he loved fooling around, you being upset with him was something he never wanted, so, just in case, he brought some consolation food he knew you enjoyed.

“On a sweeter note, I brought you your favorite ice cream!”

The moment you heard those words, you turned around to look at him, pouting. Said Ice cream box was resting on his hands, with a spoon in hand, maybe he was planning to spoon feed you? maybe later. You were a little angry at him still, but knowing that he went to take care of some problems in person, instead of making his lackeys do it, just to make sure it was done quickly, and save you from a possibly very painful headache, made your irked heart slowly come back to its senses.

You huff, and move to the side of the normally shared queen sized bed, Letting him know he was at least somewhat forgiven. He jumped in almost instantly, placing the ice cream box on the right nightstand, your nightstand, before wrapping himself in the warm comforters, and of course, you.

His limbs were tangled with yours, holding you as close as logically possible. Not letting you go, and, of course, himself going nowhere in exchange. And with you you were holding him just as tightly, or even tighter, he knew you wouldn’t go anywhere.

As much as you’d love to eat the ice cream he brought for you, having shadow milk cookie’s whole being surrounding you, the warmth of his dough against yours, his comforting blueberry smell, and the inner peace you felt with him simply being there, you couldn’t help but allow your eyes to close, your face resting in your boyfriend’s chest, his natural scent luring you to sleep.

His soothing voice was the last thing you heard.

“Rest well, darling, I'll always be here when you need me the most.”

[loulitzin]

Mapping Neurodivergence in BSD: A Headcanon Exploration

💭✨ Neurodivergence has always been one of my biggest special interests, and something I love about fiction is how much space it gives for different interpretations.

Bungou Stray Dogs is accidentally one of the most neurodivergent-coded series I’ve ever seen—whether it’s intentional or not, so many of the characters just feel ND in ways that go beyond typical genius or eccentricity tropes.

Whether it’s Ranpo’s hyperfixation on mysteries, Kunikida’s compulsive need for structure, or Chuuya’s impulsive emotional outbursts, these characters reflect real-world neurodivergent traits in ways that are compelling, complex, and painfully relatable.

This list is a collection of personal headcanons based on their behaviors, interactions, and underlying motivations.

✨ I'll be doing deep dives into each character here, analysing their traits in more detail! (Of course, this is all just for fun! Everyone interprets characters differently, and that’s part of the beauty of fandom. 🖤)

🕵️‍♂️ Armed Detective Agency

Osamu Dazai – Autism (Masking & Situational Manipulation)

🔹 Highly intelligent but emotionally disconnected in ways that seem intentional. 🔹 Uses humor, dramatics, and exaggerated behavior as a social mask. 🔹 Deeply perceptive of people’s emotions but doesn’t always engage genuinely. 🔹 Alternates between hyperfixation (on suicide, on outplaying opponents) and emotional dissociation. 🔹 Sensory-seeking behaviors (bandages, physical playfulness when teasing others).

Edogawa Ranpo – Autism (Hyperlexia, Special Interests, & Social Processing Differences)

🔹 Hyperlexia: Genius-level reading comprehension and information processing from an early age. 🔹 Doesn’t understand or care for social norms—he thrives best when people adapt to him, not the other way around. 🔹 Fukuzawa accommodating his intelligence and treating him with respect instead of condescension was a turning point in his life. 🔹 Low frustration tolerance for perceived incompetence but deeply loyal to those he trusts. 🔹 Sensory & executive dysfunction struggles? Can’t dress himself properly, avoids certain textures (like food).

Doppo Kunikida – OCD (Perfectionism, Order, & Intrusive Thoughts)

🔹 Highly structured routines—his notebook is more than a quirk, it’s a lifeline. 🔹 Ritualistic behavior: Needs things to go exactly as planned or he experiences distress. 🔹 Moral rigidity: Struggles when ideals don’t align with reality, leading to internal conflict. 🔹 Likely experiences intrusive thoughts—his strong reactions to things outside of his control seem rooted in anxiety.

Atsushi Nakajima – Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) & PTSD

🔹 Hyperaware of how others perceive him, even in neutral situations. 🔹 Intense fear of failure, especially when it might lead to abandonment. 🔹 Struggles with self-worth due to past abuse, leading to cycles of self-doubt.

Yosano Akiko – PTSD & Possible Hyper-Empathy

🔹 Deep emotional trauma from her past but keeps it buried under a tough exterior. 🔹 Uses dark humor as a coping mechanism. 🔹 Highly attuned to others' suffering despite her cold demeanor.

⚡ Port Mafia

Chuuya Nakahara – ADHD (Hyperactive-Impulsive Type) & RSD

🔹 Impulsive emotional reactions—anger, excitement, frustration, all at max volume. 🔹 Struggles with authority but is also fiercely loyal when trust is earned. 🔹 Hyperfixation on proving himself, especially post-Dazai. 🔹 Likely has rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), leading to intense emotional reactions when he feels slighted.

Akutagawa Ryunosuke – Autism (Demand Avoidance) & CPTSD

🔹 Blunt, socially unfiltered, and struggles with nuance—his reactions are either extreme aggression or complete silence. 🔹 Sensory hypersensitivity (his strong aversion to being touched). 🔹 Struggles with emotional regulation—anger is his default reaction because other emotions are too vulnerable. 🔹 Demand Avoidance: Will resist authority figures unless they earn his respect.

📖 Other Figures

Edgar Allan Poe – Social Anxiety & Autism (Special Interests & Sensory Sensitivity)

🔹 Hyperfixation on gothic literature and storytelling. 🔹 Difficulty with in-person social interaction, preferring structured, written communication. 🔹 Likely hypersensitive to noise and prefers solitude.

✨ Which headcanons do you agree with? These are just my personal interpretations! Neurodivergence is super broad, and while I love diving into ND traits in characters, it’s totally cool if you see them differently. This is all for fun, so feel free to share your thoughts!

💡 I’m also open to requests! If there’s a character you’d like me to explore more deeply, or if you think I missed someone, feel free to drop an ask or comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts and keep building this list together!

[whenmemorydies]

Carmen, Natalie, and the Berzattos

CW: this post talks about domestic violence, addiction, mental health, racialised trauma, toxic masculinity and intergenerational trauma (this show deals with so much friends!).

Go gently with yourself if you choose to continue to read. Also its a long one (longer than my usual!) so fair warning if you're diving in: maybe put the kettle on.

Following on from The Claw, The Scrunchie and The Prayer Card metas (Part 1 and Part 2), I've been thinking more about The Berzattos (represented via Natalie's hair claw in Carmy's apartment) and their presence (seen and unseen) in season 3 of The Bear.

@espumado's fantastic meta on The Night of the Hunter and its use in The Bear, particularly as it relates to Natalie and the struggle she goes through in season 3 has informed a lot of this post. My reblog of that post also contains a lot of thinking that I had started to scratch at but haven't been able to expand upon until now. Also check out @currymanganese's brilliant analysis of The Night of the Hunter in the context of romantic relationships in The Bear.

Another source of information I've used in the research for this meta is this fantastic interview in the LA Times with the cast involved in 2x06 Fishes (thanks @brokenwinebox for sharing it!). Also thank you to @thoughtfulchaos773, @brokenwinebox and @devisrina for the chat about the above interview and discussions about Donna Berzatto's relationship with her son, Carmy.

Finally @vacationship's most excellent breakdown of the roles taken up by characters in The Bear according to Adult Children of Alcoholics ('ACA') roles defined by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruise and communicator types as developed by Virginia Satir has also informed this post.

The Berzattos

Okay so, given what we know about Carmy and about the Berzattos, it would seem obvious that, yes, his birth family is going to impact Carmy. I think its probably so obvious, that a lot of the fandom, myself included, have taken Carmy's relationship with his family for granted this season. To be fair, we were also getting Claire and the Faks shoved down our throats so some things flew under the radar including, in my view, the Berzattos.

What got me thinking about the Berzattos as a source of anguish for Carmy was a rewatch of 3x03 Doors - specifically Carmy's panic attack during that episode.

The first panic attack of season 3

At this late point in the episode, we've been watching Carmy and the crew's slowly escalating struggle with the demands of fine dining, when we arrive at Carmy running expo and calling for hands. His voice is hoarse and it sounds like he's been screaming for some time. His vision starts to blur and as he continues to call out for hands, we see glimpses of what appear to be intrusive thoughts, interrupting Carmy's work and triggering a panic attack. The sequence of shots that appear during this panic attack is below:

I note that Carm appears to be trying to come out of the panic attack by remembering his time at The French Laundry and Noma - much like memories of immaculately plated food helped him regulate during his panic attack in 1x08 Braciole and memories of Sydney helped him to regulate during his panic attack in 2x09 Omelette.

The final thought Carm has during this panic attack - indeed the thought he has when it appears that his panic attack is reaching its peak - is of his sister Natalie, in a church praying:

Note: I'm working on the assumption that the above memory of Natalie takes place at Marcus' mother's funeral. This is based on the clothes Natalie is wearing and how her hair is styled.

Its at this moment in his panic attack that you can see the crest in Carmy's emotions. The orchestral score during this sequence also builds to its climax at this point. Carmy's face screws into a tight grimace and he practically spits out the word, Fuck. Its only then that the music cuts away and we hear Sydney's voice bringing Carmy back to the present:

The fact that thinking about Natalie (praying while she carries the next generation of the Berzatto family) is what causes Carmy's panic attack to peak is what got me thinking more seriously about the impact of his birth family on Carm. ( This is something that others including @mitocamdria and @moodyeucalyptus have also picked up on here and here - the Bear hive mind at work!)

Below is my attempt to map these impacts out, from the perspective of intergenerational trauma, which can be described as,

"the apparent transmission of trauma between generations of a family. People who experience adverse childhood experiences growing up, or who have survived historical disasters or traumas, may pass the effects of those traumas on to their children or grandchildren, through their genes, their behaviour, or both, leaving the next generational susceptible to anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, and other emotional and mental health concerns."

I'd argue that intergenerational trauma can continue well beyond a person's grandchildren, particularly in cases where the systemic factors may have caused a trauma (for example: racial segregation, colonialism), continue to impact on multiple generations of a family.

So lets start by looking at Carmy's mother, Donna Berzatto...

Donna's trauma

I preface the below analysis with the caveat that we are not told what mental health diagnoses (if any) Donna Berzatto has (though she is clearly struggling with her mental health when we first meet her in 2x06 Fishes). The inferences I make below are based on what we have been told in the show about trauma that Donna has experienced.

Recall 3x08 Ice Chips where Donna and Natalie are talking in between bouts of Natalie's contractions. At one point in the episode, Natalie says:

I don't remember your mom.

To which, Donna sadly responds:

You don't want to.

Donna then becomes silently tearful remembering her mother.

Its clear from this very brief exchange that Donna has experienced some level of abuse at the hands of her own mother: Michael, Natalie and Carmy's maternal grandmother. That abuse has no doubt impacted on Donna's ability to parent her own children and likely influenced how she parented them as well.

As a mother myself, I've found that one of the hardest things about parenting has been avoiding the repetition of harmful behaviours that I've picked up through my own childhood. For all of us, the first - and often most memorable - models we have for how to parent have been the experiences we've had with our own primary caregivers (whether they were our birth parents or other adults in our lives). If those models were abusive or violent, we have to work that much harder to make sure we don't fall back on those examples when raising our own children. (And let me tell you, in the heat of the moment when your child is cracking a tanty in the grocery store, it takes A LOT to not revert to learned behaviours and instead take a step back and act from a rational place of calm lol).

For many folks who've had abusive childhoods, raising your own children can also be a very triggering journey. This article goes into a bit of why this is the case. If you've not been able to do any work on yourself or receive help to work through your own childhood abuse, you risk "blowing your trauma through" your children (I've borrowed the phrase "blowing trauma through" from African-American therapist and trauma specialist, Dr Resmaa Menakem, whose fantastic book My Grandmother's Hands has also influenced this post and a lot of my thinking about racial and intergenerational trauma). Given Donna's own history of abuse with her mother, its not a big leap to assume that she has "blown her trauma through" Michael, Natalie and Carmy with each of her children experiencing this in different ways.

There's also Donna's clear mom rage, no doubt built up over years as a single parent, and epitomised in the line from 2x06 (that broke my heart when I heard it because it resonated so much),

I make things beautiful for them, and no one makes things beautiful for me.

Based on the show's lore, up until 3x08 it wasn't evident that Donna had ever taken any steps to try and work through her own mental health issues and trauma. Once we get to 3x08 though, when Natalie says that she didn't tell Donna about her pregnancy because,

I just didn't want all the stuff you bring with you.

Donna replies by saying:

Yeah. I've been trying to put that stuff away.

Natalie then asks her mother how that process is going and Donna responds,

Its not easy.

Natalie then tells her mother that she's glad Donna is trying and Donna says she's glad that she's trying too.

Its not much, but the above exchange points to a slight shift in Donna's approach to her own trauma and to her parenting. This shift appears to have put Donna and Natalie's relationship on firmer footing than it has been in the past. Whether it will be enough for Carmy's relationship with his mother is another question and one I'm sure we'll see play out in season 4.

The Berzattos and Italian American racialised trauma

Other than the above exchange in 3x08 Ice Chips, we have no information about Donna's parents. I assume that Donna was born in America given her description of the Feast of the Seven Fishes (also known as La Vigilia) as described to Richie in 2x06 Fishes. During her description, Donna speaks about the Italian immigrants who brought "their seven best things" with them as if she's speaking about ancestors, not her own generation.

She does not use the first person here:

[I]ts based on people who left Italy to find new dreams and homes with new people. And they brought their seven best things from their sea to their new homes. And not so their families end up being a bunch of fuckin' jagoffs. (lmao)

Then Class A Jagoff, Uncle Lee storms into the kitchen and tells Donna that her retelling of the Seven Fishes legend is "not even close" and refers to all the sevens that occur in the Bible. Which is likely a closer explanation for the feast (see this overview on La Vigilia published on the Italian Sons and Daughters of America website). Notably, it was southern Italian and Sicilian immigrants that popularised the Feast of the Seven Fishes in America.

Given the above, it doesn't seem to me that Donna is a first generation Italian immigrant. Depending on the Berzatto family history, its possible that Donna is the daughter of Italian immigrants or the granddaughter of them. Her Italian ancestry could stretch even further back in time. At this point in The Bear, we don't know.

What we should note is that Italian immigrants and in particular, southern Italian and Sicilian immigrants to America, endured a history of racism in that country before their acceptance into the category of "white" in America.

Image source: How Italians Became 'White', The New York Times

This NY Times article provides an overview of the racialisation of Italians in America over time. The article notes that,

"[d]arker skinned southern Italians endured the penalties of blackness on both sides of the Atlantic. In Italy, Northerners had long held that Southerners - particularly Sicilians - were an 'uncivilized' and racially inferior people, [considered] too obviously African to be part of Europe."

This racism of northern Italians towards those from the south of the country was no doubt tied to Italy’s own racist and violent colonial history, including its involvement in Europe's rabid "Scramble for Africa". In the course of its time as a colonial power, Italy came to brutally invade and occupy Eritrea, Somalia, Libya and Ethopia.

Note: I don't think its a coincidence that, Ebraheim, Somalian "grill master", medic and veteran of the American military intervention in Somalia, found himself working at an Italian American beef sandwich shop. Much in the same way that its no surprise that many folks in my Tamil family ended up in the heart of the British Empire - the UK - after fleeing civil unrest and genocide in one of its former colonies (Sri Lanka). As Tamil writer A.S. Sivanandan is famously quoted as saying about post-colonial migration: "we are here, because you were there."

Once they first arrived in America in the 19th century, racism against Southern Italians continued:

"They were sometimes shut out of schools, movie houses and labor unions, or consigned to church pews set aside for black people. They were described in the press as 'swarthy', 'kinky haired' members of a criminal race and derided in the streets with epithets [that were more commonly] applied to enslaved Africans and their descendants[.]"

Though while Italian Americans experienced the severe racial prejudice described above, particularly during their early history in America, some were still able to benefit from their European ancestry in ways that people with non-European backgrounds were unable to. This included: being able to apply for US citizenship, being able to marry, own property, and choose where to live - things that BIPOC people often faced great barriers (if not outright bans) to accessing.

Notably, in Chicago where the Berzattos are based, the history of Italian racialisation differed to other major cities in America. In Italian Immigrants, Whiteness and Race: A Regional Perspective (p. 6) Italian historian Stefano Luconi notes that,

[I]n Chicago, Italian Americans competed primarily with Polish immigrants, who generally turned out to be less hostile to them than Irish Americans in New York City or Boston, and overall their accommodation within the adoptive society was easier than elsewhere.

Given the above, the Berzattos' connection with Polish "family members" Uncle Jimmy Kalinowski, Uncle Lee Lane, and Cousin Richie Jerimovich appears rooted in a long history of Polish-Italian relations in Chicago.

Note: Ancestry.com tells me Kalinowski is a Polish and Jewish last name. Uncle Lee identifies as "Polski" in 2x06 Fishes and in the draft script for 2x06 is listed as Uncle Jimmy's brother. While Richie's ethnicity isn't explicitly stated in The Bear, in 3x04 Violet, he refers to his daughter Eva as żabka which is Polish for "small frog" and is also used as a term of endearment for girls or women.

Eventually Italian Americans were assimilated into the racial category of "white" both legally and in the popular imagination of the country. This happened in a few ways including via Italian Americans claiming whiteness for themselves, particularly in active opposition to Black, African American communities. This is despite their historic racialisation in comparison to Black, African-descent people (which, in a better world, could have been the basis for shared and sustained solidarity between the two communities). Luconi observes that,

"in Brazos County, Texas, Italian Americans learned to claim whiteness for self-protection, which involved showing off hostility toward African Americans in the mid-1890s [...] By the same token, after realizing the social benefits of being characterized by a white identity, Italian Americans in Baltimore embraced the racist premises of the local political leadership in the early twentieth century and joined two campaigns that unsuccessfully aimed at disenfranchising African Americans in 1905 and 1909 by amending the state constitution." from: Italian Immigrants, Whiteness and Race: A Regional Perspective (p. 15)

The above NY Times article states that in 1892, the lynching of 11 Italian immigrants who were accused of killing a police chief in New Orleans resulted in Italy breaking diplomatic relations with America. As a result of this and to prevent unrest in the Italian American community, US President Benjamin Harrison proclaimed 12 October as "Columbus Day" and encouraged Americans to celebrate the contribution of the Italian Christopher Columbus to the creation of America.

Apparently, this sleight of hand (a legerdemain because it: (a) magically erased generations upon generations of First Nations who have existed in the Americas long before Columbus' arrival (and who continue to do so), and (b) because it vanished the explorer's penchant for rape and enslavement of the First Nations' people that he did encounter) was enough to reinstate diplomatic relations between America and Italy as well as carve out a place for Italian Americans in the white, American imaginary.

Indeed, despite recent calls to stop the celebration of Columbus Day led by First Nations people across America, it is Italian American organisations (including the Italian Sons and Daughters of America) and prominent Italian Americans that are some of those voices leading campaigns to keep Columbus Day as it is, reductively and disingenuously dismissing its critics as attacking Italian-American heritage.

Note: the above views are obviously not shared by all Italian Americans. See below protest staged by Italian Americans in the Berzattos' hometown of Chicago, in opposition to the city's Columbus Day Parade (Source: Fox 32 Chicago):

One of my heroes, Toni Morrison, once said of American national identity,

"In this country, American means white. Everybody else has to hyphenate."

White supremacy operates amongst racialised communities through divide and rule, with these communities pitted against one another, trying to achieve as close a proximity to whiteness as possible. In the US context, that proximity brings those communities closer to what is perceived as "American". The above examples show how some Italian American communities in America shifted the racial categorisation of their community to "white" over time by fighting for that proximity. I would argue that that shift came at a great cost, as all racism does: a cost to the BIPOC communities that were fucked over in the process and a cost to the souls of those now "white" Italian Americans who participated in divide and rule to get closer to a white supremacist position of power. Dr Resmaa Menakem would refer to those costs as traumas for both BIPOC communities and (now) white, Italian American communities.

In My Grandmother's Hands, Dr Menakem discusses the impact of racialised trauma on white people. Specifically, that white supremacy - or as Dr Menakem refers to it, "white body supremacy" - is itself a trauma response. I won't get into the details of this framework (and make this post longer than it already is lol) except to say its fascinating and I'd encourage you to read My Grandmother's Hands to find out more. Its relevance here is to illustrate that on top of our individual, personal traumas, we each carry with us racialised trauma. I make the point of articulating this because while The Bear alludes to race (sometimes masterfully as in this scene where Donna tries to play divide and rule in her own way), it often does so obliquely in ways that are not always obvious to viewers (for example, see director Ramy Youssef's discussion in Variety about the bike crash scene in 2x04 Honeydew). But make no mistake, race permeates this show.

For example, I think about Uncle Lee’s jab at Mikey in 2x06 about the latter living with his mom, and compare this to Marcus living with his mother throughout seasons 1-2 or Sydney living with her father in seasons 1-3. I think about how in many communities of colour, multi-generational living isn’t seen as shameful because the focus is not just on financial dependence but on relationships and care. Certainly, an adult child might not be financially independent but if they are caring for their parent, this is something to be valued.

I think about how the move to individualism (championed by Uncle Lee) away from family and community (features that Italian culture is historically very well known for) is a shift that, for many Italian Americans, may be viewed as a cost incurred as a result of an allegiance to white supremacy.

I think also about the words of Tema Okun, who wrote about how white supremacy shows up in organisational and professional settings in her 1999 article "White Supremacy Culture" and how in that work, Okun noted particular identifying characteristics of organisational, white supremacist culture, including (but not limited to):

individualism;

perfectionism;

either/or & binary thinking; and

a sense of urgency.

Sound familiar? I thought they might. These are traits that Carmy has exhibited in almost every episode of season 3 (and periodically in seasons 1-2). Notably, these are traits that are also valorised in the world of fine dining, as we see it through Carmy's eyes throughout season 3 (in flashbacks and in how he chooses to run The Bear). And we all know how well this shit is going for our man (lol).

I'll get into this more in an upcoming meta (again, this is me manifesting in a bid to force myself to finish writing the thing lol), but I just wanted to point out how both in terms of his racialisation and his professional career, Carmy is immersed in white supremacy - whether he wants to be or not - benefiting from its privileges while also being witness and therefore, subject, to its horrors. No one escapes this shit, not even those who've been welcomed into the fold at the top of the hierarchy.

All of this - the racialised history and trauma associated with the Italian American community as well as the clear whiteness that marks the fine dining industry - makes Carmy's character that much more fascinating to me. Here is a character with seemingly no personal prejudices towards BIPOC folks. He loves the BIPOC folks in his life quite dearly (in particular, Marcus who he treats as a brother, and of course Sydney, in whom he's found a soulmate). I think this is likely due in large part to the role Carmy's siblings (Mikey and Natalie) played in raising him. These two characters also appear to care deeply for the BIPOC people in their lives without much of the prejudice that many who have been racialised and socialised in their community might harbour. And in their roles as surrogate parents for Carmy, they appear to have modelled that healthy and normal (because we must remember, what is abnormal is racism) respect for their fellow humans. They're not perfect in this (recall 2x06 and Mikey's bombastic objectification of Claire) but we do see repeated glimpses of their goodness throughout the show (recall 3x06 and Mikey's kindness to Tina, or the pantry scene in 2x06 and the gentleness he displays towards Carmy there). This is in contrast to their mother, Donna, who clearly has done no work to prevent blowing her own racialised trauma and prejudice through the bodies of her kids.

Also while the racialisation of The Bear's BIPOC characters is readily apparent (because the white supremacist culture of the West is more attuned to looking at non-white people and automatically seeing race), its white characters are also racialised and have racialised histories. The above was my attempt at stepping out a bit of the racialisation of The Berzattos, of Carmy, and of the racialised trauma that they also carry with them.

Phew.

Okay, now back to the Berzattos...

Carmy's birth

Recall 3x08 Ice Chips and Donna telling Natalie the stories of each of her children's births. By far, the birth that appears to cause Donna the most rage, the most pain, is Carmy's. It also happens to be the only birth out of her three children that her (by all accounts) deadbeat husband is present for. Donna describes fighting with her husband during the entirety of her labour with Carmy and that the hospital was fucked because it seemed like everyone went into labour at the same time. She then tells Natalie that Carmy took a long time to arrive:

Note: Its not lost on me that Carmy's obsession with speed, rushing and sense of urgency was almost definitely drilled into him from birth, given the rage with which Donna describes his "slowness" in being born.

Donna then goes onto express how frightened she was and the further difficulties involved in Carmy’s delivery:

It was so hard and so scary because he kept getting stuck, and they just kept having to move me, and I remember they were moving me in all these positions. And then at one point, I think they had me fucking upside down or something.

And then, so brutally it becomes darkly funny (I've pushed a kid out too: it can be so painful, if you don't laugh, you'll sob hysterically lol), Donna describes Carmy's birth as just all around fucked:

The whole thing was fucked:

No seriously, very fucked:

So Carmy entered the world and the experience of his delivery was fucked nine ways to Sunday for his mother. A very difficult beginning to this life for a baby, to say the least. I would go so far as to say, given the way Donna is recounting Carmy's birth, that she experienced birth trauma, and possibly developed birth-related post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Contrast this with how Donna describes Michael's and Natalie's births:

Despite Michael also having difficulty being born (Donna recalls that it seemed like "he wanted to stay" in the safety of her womb), Donna says that she felt really good, great and strong during her labour with him and that his birth was even described by a doctor as an "amazing" one.

Donna describes Natalie's birth as "beautiful" with Natalie arriving after Donna had had a restful sleep and a vivid, prophetic dream. Donna then goes onto tell Natalie that she was delivered in the presence of a "sweet" girlfriend (Cicero's first wife, Gail) who sat with Donna during labour and who played "Baby, I Love you" for Donna as Natalie arrived.

The differences in how Donna recalls Mikey, Nat and Carmy's births and Donna's propensity in the past for holding her children's "mistakes" over their heads (recall 2x06 Fishes and the story of how Natalie got the nickname "Sugar"), make me think that she was likely to have rubbed Carmy's difficult birth in his face when he was younger. I think that Donna was also likely to have either intentionally or unintentionally (or perhaps both, depending on the circumstance) made Carmy feel less than his older siblings, maybe not as wanted. We have some evidence pointing to this happening in Carmy's past, peppered throughout the show.

Growing up in the Berzatto house:

As a child Carmy had a stutter, which causes speech to inherently slow (as it takes longer to form words and sentences). He was also scared to speak. Now a stutter in and of itself would not make the person speaking scared. Its other people's reactions to a stutter that would do that. Given Donna's vitriol at how slow Carmy's birth was, and her obsession with time (anyone fancy a kitchen timer? this lady's got 700 of them), its not a stretch to imagine that any delay in Carmy articulating himself as a child would have been met with ridicule or rage from his mother.

We know that all the Berzatto children grew up scared of their mother, a survivor of abuse herself, and an addict who drank to excess with clear mental health issues that it didn’t appear she was seeking treatment for. Recall Natalie's disclosure to Donna in 3x08 Ice Chips:

Carmy also grew up embedded in a particularly toxic type of white, heterosexual masculinity embodied by his brother Mikey and "cousin" Richie (who undoubtedly had it blown through their bodies by family, friends and the white supremacist, homophobic culture we are swimming in, in the West). I've previously discussed this in my meta on the use of 90s alternative rock in The Bear and more recently, in this reblog of @mitocamdria's meta Sublimation and Intellectual Orgasms.

Carmy gets called "a weird little dude" for knowing how to mix a drink in 2x06. He gets called a "gayrod" for owning the Noma cookbook in 1x01. He gets called a "soft shitty bitch" for calling Pete instead of Natalie in 1x05. He gets called a "mopey little fuck" in 2x06 for questioning Mikey and Richie right before they accost him with a veritable wall of gross dudebro, horndog descriptions of Claire (a girl they know and are friends with - again, fucking gross). Carmy hears his mother describe Steve as "gay" for being "arty" in 2x06 (recall that Carmy is also "arty" in that he can draw and likes fashion). If you weren't performing alpha-male dominance like Mikey, Richie, Uncle Lee or even Uncle Jimmy, the Berzatto household was a rough place to be. Truth is though, that all of those white, alpha-males have their own demons, and in the case of Mikey, those demons drove him to take his own life. The truth is that, like white supremacy, no one escapes toxic masculinity unscathed either.

We know Carmy suffered from low self-confidence as a child which might have led him to feeling aimless. He tells us in 1x08 Braciole that he got shitty grades because he couldn't pay attention in school, he didn't get into college, didn't have any girlfriends or many friends for that matter. Carmy also tells us in that same monologue that he wasn't "built" in the same way as his brother, who could walk into a room and take its temperature right away, who was loud, hilarious and magnetic.

I think about how for someone like Carmy, Mikey would have cast a long shadow. I think about how hard it would have been to have lived under that shadow while trying to figure yourself out.

It wasn't until working in fine dining that Carmy found his purpose. He says in 1x08,

For the first time in my life, I started to find this station for myself.

This must have been intoxicating and affirming for Carmy. Yet I think about how, after all that, he could return home having achieved accolades and fanfare in his career, try his best in the chaos of a Berzatto family Christmas to diffuse the powder keg that is Donna, and still be called "Michael" by his mother, his very existence in that moment, feeling like a puff of smoke.

We also know that Carmy's eldest siblings ended up being like surrogate parents for him. Mikey almost certainly was a father figure given the absence of his biological father in Carmy's life. Its not a stretch to imagine Natalie as taking on the role of a surrogate mother, given Donna's abuse and how Natalie looks out for almost everyone throughout seasons 1-3 of The Bear. In this video, Jeremy Allen White also talks about the tattoo Carmy has of two angels with a sun in between them as representing his brother and his sister, further confirming the roles of his "guardian angel" siblings.

I think about Natalie, parentified big sister that she is, sneaking a wad of cash into Carmy’s pocket as he leaves her and Chicago for New York in 3x01. I think about her calling him “honey” in that same episode as she affirms that she knows how good he is at being a chef - “honey” being a term of endearment commonly used in family settings but between parents and their children, not as commonly heard between siblings.

I also think about Mikey being born the eldest, the first and only (for a time) to have to deal with his mother's trauma and expectations. I think about how he took on the work of looking after his mother and his siblings when his father left the Berzatto home. I think about how Mikey is described by the actor who plays him, as a "dreamer who's not allowed to dream. He has to take care of everybody."

Loose ends

Another set of incidents haunting spread throughout season 3 also raised concerns for me, in that they remain unresolved and point to a resolution or confrontation for Carmy and the Berzattos in season 4. I named them in my reblog of @espumado's post on The Night of the Hunter. For ease of reference, I'll bullet point them here:

Carmy finds a box labelled "DD" (his mother, Donna's nickname) at The Bear at the end of 3x05 and looks through it. He appears frozen as he finds a baby photo of his mother holding a baby I assume is him. The episode ends at this moment and neither the box or Carmy's reaction are revisited for the remainder of season 3

Cicero tells Carmy during 3x09 that Donna wants Carmy to call her back about "the baby" (one assumes this is a reference to Natalie's baby) and that Carmy has been "fucking avoiding it" (one assumes again that the "it" here is the baby...but maybe its also just the act of calling Donna back)

But then Carmy says something strange:

Yeah. Hoping it would just go away.

Surely, Carmy's not talking about a baby. Babies can't just go away. And I don't think Carmy is so malicious that he'd wish his sister's child to disappear. I also don't think Carmy would refer to his mother as "it" (he's never done so up to this point on the show, as monstrous as she can be).

And in case you were wondering, Cicero's response to Carmy also doesn't sound like it applies to a baby or Donna (lol):

[Y]ou run right the fuck into it.

Intergenerational trauma and legacy

So what is the "it" that Carmy wants to go away? What is the "it" that Uncle Jimmy tells him to face by running "right the fuck into it"? My suspicion is that this is Carmy's baggage. The baggage that comes with being born a Berzatto and being born to Donna. All the stuff that we've been talking about here. Its also the baggage that both Nat and his mother have been trying to "put away":

Above from 3x02 Next: Natalie in conversation with Carmy. "Its not great 8am stuff."

Above from 3x08 Ice Chips: Donna in conversation with Natalie.

Carmy is trying to do this too: put away his baggage, while having been the "Lost Child" (referring to ACA roles and the recording about them that Natalie was listening to at the end of 3x07 Legacy) and the youngest child in his family for so long but now having to be the "Hero". @vacationship's post on ACA roles as they relate to The Bear gives a great breakdown on what the "lost child" and "hero" roles mean.

In the LA Times interview mentioned above, Jeremy Allen White says,

I don't think Carm's ever been outside of himself enough to really take in another person in their entirety, sadly. I think that's Carmen's real struggle.

As the youngest child of the Berzattos, Carmy has never had to step outside of himself to the extent that Mikey, Natalie or even Donna have had to. He has never had to care for anyone other than himself, until he inherits The Beef. And that responsibility is a HUGE one.

But Carmy jumps into that role, initially fuelled by the desire to retroactively fix his relationship with Mikey and fix "the family". Recall again his monologue in 1x08 Braciole:

[I]ts very clear to me trying to fix the restaurant, was me trying to fix whatever was happening with my brother. And I don't know, maybe fix the whole family because that restaurant, it has and it does mean a lot to people. It means a lot to me.

For the longest time, I interpreted "the family" that Carmy refers to here as his chosen family: the crew at The Beef. I think that while that was true, it wasn't the whole picture. I think Carmy was actually being more expansive in his definition of family to include his entire family: chosen and birth.

So while Carmy is obviously trying to make The Bear a success for Sydney ("Syd, we're going to get a star") and for Marcus ("Take us there Bear", "Yes, Chef"), as well as for the rest of the chosen family he first found at The Beef, Carmy is also trying to fix the restaurant for the Berzattos. Specifically, Carmy is trying to do what his father and brother couldn't do in keeping The Beef/The Bear going. He is trying to embody the Hero ACA role, vacated by Mikey with the latter's passing, even though his sister told him from the start, in 1x01:

No one's asking you to.

What I think I took for granted this season was just how much Carmy's desire to repair the legacy of the father figures in his life (as represented by the restaurant) was brought to an urgent and frenetic head for him in the late stages of Natalie's pregnancy. Upon rewatch of 3x09 Apologies, I picked up on some interesting script choices and imagery that I think have been chosen purposefully to relay to us that this is the case and that the impending birth of his niece is indeed, weighing on Carmy.

Now, at the start of 3x09, Carmy may or may not know Natalie has just had her baby. I assume he does. After Marcus watches that clip about magic, followed by unnecessary Fak, Claire and dumpster content (lol) and then Sydney practising how she's going to break Shapiro's offer to Carmy, we cut to the kitchen of The Bear and we hear Carmy calling out orders while running expo. He's yelling again. His voice is hoarse like it was in 3x03 during his panic attack. We see Carmy's intrusive thoughts at a rapid clip intercut with close ups of his, Sydney's and Richie's faces. We also hear Carmy repeatedly yelling at the staff to push:

Please give me the fucking agnolotti. Push.

Lets fucking push, please. Lets fucking go.

Push, please.

Push, chefs! Please! The cook is fucked. Refire, please.

Push.

From a quick google, "push" is used in restaurant settings but not in the way Carmy's doing here. I've seen it used to mean "sell" an item (as in getting a server to "push" a particular dish to diners so they order it) as well as to describe a busy period during service (as in the restaurant is in the middle of a "push").

In 3x09, Carmy is yelling “push” like a midwife at his sister's side while she pushes out her child, the next generation of Berzattos, into the world. But instead of his niece, Carmy is trying to deliver one more in a litany of dinner services at The Bear.

Note: you can clearly see here that the jagged lines that have appeared since season 1 when Carmy is having intrusive thoughts are actually made up of what look to be hundreds of claw marks. I've noted in a previous reblog of one of @thoughtfulchaos773's posts (that I can't find atm sorry) that this evokes Carmy (the Bear) trying to claw his way out of a mental spiral and back to equilibrium. @currymanganese also noted that the lines themselves look like a neural network, driving the point about Carmy's mental state home.

And then directly after the above "push" scene, we see copious amounts of water ejected over the The Bear's kitchen island, washing away flesh coloured food and sauce that looks like blood splatter:

Having rewatched 3x09 through the lens of intergenerational trauma, with the spectre of Natalie's labour, Carmy's apparent resistance to seeing Natalie or her baby, and having just heard his hoarse voice screaming push, push, push...to me this water started looking a whole lot like birth waters breaking, and amniotic fluid flooding The Bear:

Note: Rest assured, amniotic fluid doesn't contain all those suds.

@espumado pointed out in their The Night of the Hunter meta that the song playing during the above "push" and "broken waters" scenes of 3x09 is a song by Trent Reznor and Atticus Finch from a war documentary. The song is "The Forever Rain" from the documentary series The Vietnam War by Ken Burns and Lynn Novick. I'm sure its no coincidence that a song from a documentary about the Vietnam War - a war whose veterans were the first to be assessed for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) - is being used in a scene acting as an allegory for childbirth, given what we know about how traumatic Carmy's birth was for his mother, and inevitably, for him as an infant.

So why is Carmy so preoccupied with Natalie's pregnancy and the birth of his niece?

I think this all ties back to what Carmy told us in 1x08: that he wants to fix the restaurant (and in the context of season 3, this means making The Bear a success) and that in doing so, fix his family.

Note: which is also why I think we are shown that magic clip that Marcus is watching at the beginning of 3x09 with this bit of dialogue from it: "What makes magic different is that its inherently honest. You tell someone you're gonna deceive them before you deceive them. In some way, that makes it more difficult." We were told in 1x08 what the restaurant means to Carmy and his reasons for fixing it, but Storer and co have spent all of season 3 distracting us with Claire and Fak-shaped sleights of hand getting us looking elsewhere to understand Carmy's behaviour. By 3x10, Carmy's motives haven't changed. He's doing this for his family. All of his family.

Specifically in the context of Nat's pregnancy, Carmy wants to ensure that The Bear is a success for the next generation of Berzatto children, for his niece. And if Carmy is being haunted by a need to fix his family's legacy, particularly given the impending arrival of Natalie's baby - the youngest Berzatto after him - then his desperate, rageful plea to Syd after she brings him back from his panic attack in 3x03 Doors, is even more distressing:

They're going too fucking slow!

What Carmy means is:

I'm going too slow and this restaurant is going to fail because of it. And this baby is going to inherit my failure, just like I inherited Mikey's and just like he inherited our father's.

Remember: Natalie is a part owner of The Bear and so any financial failure of the restaurant will be felt by her and her family just as it would be felt by Carm.

What Carmy needs to realise is that while a brick and mortar institution may fail, what remains are the relationships, the people that he has met because of it (shout out to Chef Terry and her speech in 3x10 Forever, also shout out to Mikey and his chat with Tina in 3x06 Napkins). And if there are people - if there are relationships - there's always the chance to build another future together, again.

Conclusion (yep, I'm almost done)

I think about how whether he likes it or not, Carmy was able to pursue his passion in cooking because of his family’s racial (and class) privilege, particularly as a member of a community that was invited to join in the spoils of white supremacy. This privilege was most clearly embodied by the fact that the Berzattos had the means to own The Beef and the culinary opportunities for Carmy that flowed from that work and experience (contrast this with Sydney, Marcus and Tina's experiences in entering this field, which I've discussed here and which @freedelusionshere discusses here).

I think about how Carmy subverted and used that privilege to bring along the original crew of The Beef with him to The Bear, lifting up his largely BIPOC employees. And then I think about how he ran roughshod over them in order to try and meet the insane expectations he'd set for himself (in large part, as a result of his family's history).

I think about the safety net that Carmy had with Natalie and Mikey who were there to take care of The Beef, their family and their unwell mother, giving Carmy the room to find himself professionally. I think about Mikey leaving behind a restaurant for Carmy but also leaving behind an entire family for him too.

I think about Carmy not realising that while The Beef was a burden in some ways, it was a blessing in so many others.

I think about the clear intergenerational trauma that Carmy is contending with while trying to balance so many perceived, competing demands.

I also think about Donna's dream, the night she went into labour with Natalie:

In this nothing dream, I mean nothing dream. And it wasn't Chicago, and it wasn't New York. It was some sort of hybrid city, you know? And there was a fish tank. Big fish tank in the middle of the city. It was this giant fish tank, and I was the only one looking at it.

[...]

And I remember the colours were, they were so sharp and vivid and neon, you know, and I was the only one looking at it.

[...]

I was just staring at it for the longest time. And all of a sudden, I noticed that the glass started to come apart like it was gonna split. But I wasn't worried, you know? It wasn't bad, because I knew that more people were gonna get to see these beautiful fish.

And then I woke up, and I was sweating, and my water had broke.

When Donna had her children, she had no idea that she would lose her eldest child to suicide. She likely had no idea how far she was going to push her daughter away from her due to her abuse, and she most certainly did not know that her youngest would cease contact with her for years while becoming a renowned chef. None of us parents know for certain how things are going to turn out for our children, or for our relationships with them.

We can only hope, and do our best: do our best to break harmful cycles while trying to nurture children who will leave the world a better place than it was when when they arrived. And if our kids manage to do this not because of us but in spite of us, in spite of our slip ups and mistakes, in spite of our baggage, then honestly, we should be even prouder of them. Because it meant they were able to integrate our trauma, our histories, and their trauma, and their histories, all of it, and make something beautiful, something better.

And I think I can see why Donna wasn't worried when the fish tank started to crack. I get why she was so happy that more people were going to get to see her beautiful children and the world they were going to create, in spite of everything and because of everything.

As usual, tagging folks who might be interested (absolutely no pressure to read this fucking long ass thing though), but keen to hear from anyone who wants to discuss:

@currymanganese @thoughtfulchaos773 @moodyeucalyptus @vacationship @mitocamdria @brokenwinebox @espumado @tvfantic87 @turbulenthandholding @anxietycroissant @angelica4equity @devisrina @kdbleu @freedelusionshere @ambeauty @afrofairysblog @fresaton @hwere @ciaomarie @ambeauty

[ruusattukoira]

Tw food & mold / moldy food / maggot mention

It's funny in theory, i can't eat anything inside the fridge except eggs bc i can see inside of them when their cracked apparently. So i just walked to the store to buy myself some noodles bc i have no problems with noodles .. like macaronis are on thin af ice bc for some reason they remind me of maggots ;; help

My ARFID and intrusive thoughts be going hand to hand sometimes is an ... Experience.

Intrusive thoughts be spouting about hidden mold making my ARFID gag even on the days my ARFID is limiting myself from eating because the physical feeling isn't there and that's tricking my mind into ignoring food and being like I'm not hungry why am I staring at the fridge?

[puppys-tiny-space]

🍜food tips for tiny's and big's🍜

food can be a hard topic for any number of reasons, these are some tips that help me when I struggle with eating whether it be amount, nutrient value or other. Especially around the holidays food can be hard so I hope this helps somebody!

🩷set your boundaries, don't be afraid to speak up for yourself if somebody hurts your feelings or crosses your boundaries, your feelings matter!🩷

🩵don't restrict yourself, especially when sensory issues make it hard for me to eat, I ignore what I should be eating, as long as I get nutrients in my body that's important🩵

🩷smooth it out, big sensory inputs can be scary and hard to manage so what I like to do is blend veggies I like taste wise in cream and then blend it until it's a smooth sauce, then I eat it with noodles and cheese🩷

🩵a full tummy is a happy tummy, it's okay to eat, when your tummy feels all full that is a good thing! It means your body gets the food it needs, remind yourself of that🩵

🩷reward yourself, if you struggle with eating too much or too little make a chart of an amount of meals per day and every time you reach the goal give yourself a sticker and at a certain point you can get a small reward like a plushie or toy🩷

🩵 accomidate yourself however you want, if it works for you it doesn't matter what other people say, don't let anyone make you feel bad about what you are eating or how and if they try to: remember point one🩵

🩷fun plates, use plates and other dishes or cutlery that bring you joy, wether it be something related to your regression, a spin or hyperfixation doesn't matter, making meal time fun makes it much easier🩷

🩵 entertainment, I like to watch shows, listen to podcasts or call with friends to eat so I can focus on something else then the food and reduce chances of intrusive thoughts and such getting in the way of my meal time🩵

🩷mind your regression, regressing during meal time makes eating much easier for me but for others it makes it harder, do whatever works for you and dont worry about what other people do/don't do🩷

Fun fact of the day: Samsung used to sell noodles

[str8rat]

ISAT / FEAR AND HUNGER AU

WARNING BLOOD/GORE (BLURRED)

WARNING!! This post contains topics such as really bad relations with food, gore, eating disroders, cannibalism, death by stomach rupturing due to eating too much after starving oneself, extreme (deadly) allergic reactions leading to death, etc

This post is mainly dedicated to explaining Siffrin's eating habits during the loops, below you may find three unrelated situations

~ ~ ~

SIFFRIN'S COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD I;

The party finds themselves running out of food during their journey across the country. Days away from the nearest town, and with no animals or plants to forage due to the harsh winter, tensions rise. Odile, with her usual dry humor, smugly suggests that one of them could sacrifice a limb to keep the rest alive. The joke falls flat, given Isabeau’s already missing arm, causing her to quickly backtrack and apologize. However, the grim reality remains—such desperate measures aren't beyond the realm of possibility if their situation worsens.

Fortunately, they manage to reach the next town, exhausted and starving, but intact—no limbs lost to cannibalism! Food scarcity becomes even more pressing once they reach Dormont and enter the House, with Siffrin beginning his time loop journey.

At some point, Siffrin quietly stops eating altogether, insisting his portion go to his companions to prevent them from making desperate choices. Especially since his body seems to reset each loop, aside from the scars from each death. But his hunger, paired with his deteriorating mental state, begins to wear on him.

Dark, cannibalistic urges begin to gnaw at his mind, warping his thoughts, with intrusive thoughts haunting him every time he thinks about his own hunger. Due to him burning more calories than the rest of the party, the Wish Craft eating off on him, he also gets hungry much more quickly, and yet still tries to refrain from eating and "wasting resources."

During one of the loops, those thoughts overcome him. He tackles a party member to the ground, sinking his teeth into their arm in a horrific frenzy. But before the reality of what he’s done fully sinks in, time bends—resetting to just before the incident. It leaves Siffrin shaken, aware of how low he's fallen, how disgusting he is, borderline unforgivable, unable to meet any of his party member's eyes, haunted by the thoughts that still linger.

SIFFRIN'S COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD II;

Yet, not everything resets perfectly. Over time, Siffrin’s body begins to show signs of lasting damage from the loops, even aside from the obvious scars he recieves from each of his deaths. His stomach, weakened and shrunken from eating little to nothing, can no longer handle the amount of food his worried sick companions insist he eats during one loop.

His stomach, unable to bear the strain, ruptures, leading to a slow, agonizing death right in the middle of what was supposed to be their safe Snack Break Room.

After the loop resets again, Siffrin refuses to eat more than the bare minimum, terrified of re-living the same, agonizing experience again.

SIFFRIN'S COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD III;

Siffrin's discovery of his allergy to pineapple happens in the worst possible way—through a deadly, firsthand experience. Despite Loop's warning, he either forgets or dismisses it in a moment of carelessness, a mistake that comes with a devastating price.

The moment the acidic sweetness of the pineapple touches his tongue, an invisible force seems to clamp down on his throat. He feels the sudden constriction, his body instinctively trying to expel the fruit, but it’s too late. Siffrin’s throat begins to close rapidly. Panic takes hold as he gags, desperately attempting to spit out the fruit.

His body jerks, muscles tense, but nothing happens. He can’t breathe. His chest heaves in a futile effort to pull in air, but all that follows is a hollow, suffocating silence. His vision blurs as he just barely makes out his party trying to somehow help him, but it's hopeless.

While Bonnie is frozen in horror, eyes wide and glassy with unshed tears, as they watch their friend slowly suffocate because of the pineapple THEY gave him, Isabeau tries to hold Siffrin up the best he can, Mirabelle pushing Healing Craft after Healing Craft into his body in desperate hopes of it working. It does not. Odile, always the snarky and knowledgable, is frozen now, shaky hands hovering over the younger's body, her mind racing as she tries to recall any spell, any remedy, but all she can do is watch as Siffrin’s face turns a sickly shade of blue.

But then, as if in some cruel twist of fate, the loop resets. Siffrin is alive again, gasping for breath as he finds himself back in time—just moments before he made the fatal mistake. His hand hovers shakily over the plate of pineapple, the memory of suffocating fresh and vivid in his mind.

As his party questions if he's okay, if something happens, he is quick to put on a dismissing smile, face pale as he brushes it off. He reaches for the madeleines this time, trying to ignore his stomach churning in protest, as he forces himself to swallow the pastry.

mmmm yummy yummy yummy

[antiquatedhag]

Deity work, worship, etc,,in the modern day; fuck around and find out edition.

Offerings:

Don’t know what to offer the gods? Well, fuck around and find out. “Does (this god) like this tea? Or this type of chocolate?” Well, why don’t you find out? Sure, there can be some things deities don’t like, but there’s only one way to find out and that’s trial and error.

Maybe Hermes likes you to blog in his honour, perhaps that can be an offering. Or rather, make a collage for Athena. The last bite of your food can be an offering. The dollar you found outside the supermarket can be an offering. A cup of tea can be an offering. A simple slice of bread or cup of strawberry milk will work just fine! Work with what you have is most important to understand.

Sacrifice:

Sacrifice can hold different meanings. It’s not simply about killing something, it’s about letting go of something out of love for another (a deity). Or hell, it could even be the sacrifice of a fake animal. Make one out of clay and smash it on your altar, draw a picture of one and then burn it. A sacrifice is a sacrifice. Alternatively, sacrifice maybe five dollars or ten buying something for a deity you love.

Devotional acts:

“Can this be a devotional act?” Well, did you put love and intent and purpose into doing something for a deity, does it relate to their domain or something UPG you see in them? Then it’s a devotional act. Just do it. They appreciate it. You don’t need permission.

Honouring:

It doesn’t have to be complicated. Just cook your dinner in honour of Hestia, speak a little prayer to her as you boil a pot of water or microwave some chicken nuggets. Paint the ocean in honour of Poseidon, or bask in the sun in honour of Apollo. You’re allowed to keep it simple. You’re allowed to honour their domains in a most simple or most complicated way as you like.

Prayer:

Don’t feel bad if your mind houses racing thoughts as you pray, or if intrusive thoughts let you down. For one, the gods can differentiate different types of thoughts, and they will understand what is for them and what is a case of your mind going against you, they’re intelligent higher beings, of course they know and understand. Secondly, it’s okay to have racing thoughts that interrupt prayer, just accept them and then send them on their way. Again, the gods understand. Just take a deep breath, and focus on intent. They will hear it.

Prayer should not be difficult. Invoke them by saying their name, what pantheon they’re from if you work with several, and list names they go by such as epithets, or places they were most revered. Example of how I do it:

“Most lovely lady Aphrodite, Greek goddess of love and beauty, of compassion and war, hear me, Aphrodite ourania, and whatever other names you may like. I pray to you-“

Or

“Lord Hermes, overseer of trade and travellers, god of cunning, thievery, language and much more, lord of Peloponnese, bearer of the winged shoes, hear my words-“

There are many more formats to recite prayer in, but these are just my personal examples.

Here’s an example from the Iliad:

“Hear me, Apollo! God of the silver bow

Who strides the walls of Chryse and Cilla sacrosanct—

Lord in power of Tenedos—Smintheus, god of the plague!

If I ever roofed a shrine to please your heart,

Every burned the long rich bones of bulls and goats

On your holy altar, now, now bring my prayer to pass.”

With all that being said, our practice shouldn’t be hard. And sometimes, you just have to fuck around and find out. Try things, see how it goes.

[chevelleneech]

Are You Sure? - Ep8

Here are my thoughts now that I finally watched the episode (I was at work all day, anon, lol).

I honestly don’t have too too many, because my main takeaway was that they seemed to have truly needed these trips together. They knew by Jeju they’d be enlisting together, so I feel like any thoughts I had about the trips being a sort of last hurrah before potentially being separated go out the window.

They knew they’d be together, so barring them being romantically involved in some way… I kind of don’t get the point of the series.

Had this been a special involving other members, then it being work related would make sense. Had this been more like the Jeju episodes where they weren’t as laid back, I’d get it, but it wasn’t. Five out of eight episodes focused on them not doing much else other than simply spending time together. Sight seeing and going out to eat, with a sprinkle of activities. We saw them shopping for food and driving more than anything else, but for some reason they both still say the whole experience and filming of the series was the best thing they’ve gotten to do.

That to me, and I say this with full honesty, does not make sense to me, if they’re strictly platonic. I don’t know, episode eight sees them putting a certain level of importance on these trips that many antis wanted to rip away, and surely they knew that. They know what people think about them in their own fandom, both for the better and the worse, and they didn’t care. Which, good for them.

Moving away from my confusion in an attempt to find another explanation, I also think their joint melancholy about having to leave triggered the dropping of their guards a little bit. Add that to them drinking some, and their whole reaction moment felt almost intrusive to see, lol. They kept gravitating toward each other the entire time, only for the editors to skip to them sitting back up with more space between them. Nevermind the footsie and Jimin walking by the room they were shown going to bed in, when he said he was going to wake JK up.

So unless Jungkook was already up and in the shower or something, which they conveniently didn’t mention despite doing it every other time… they either didn’t sleep in the room with the camera or JK moved rooms. But again, given they gave us updates about every other sleeping arrangement or change, why would their last night be different if nothing happened? (By “nothing” I genuinely mean I think they moved to a different room without a camera, likely to talk or simply be closer. Not necessarily sex, because again, I don’t see them going there with a house full of staff.)

Pure speculation of course, lol, but yeah. Those moments made me feel a little like, okay, they did this with the intent of making memories. They may have wanted to cement who they are to each other in this moment, because no matter how optimistic they were that things wouldn’t change and their friendship would be solid, no one can predict the future.

Couple that with them both starting Ep1 saying they hadn’t seen each other and Jimin not being sure (no pun intended) the trip was a good idea in the first place, to them ending Ep8 saying they didn’t want it to be over and spent the last few days happy… it’s a big deal, I think. Especially with how many times they spent their last day in Sapporo taking about how romantic and pretty everything was.

Per the words from their own mouths, they created a small, romantic, nice, and happy bubble they didn’t want to leave, and I love that for them. They got to be happy and cared for by one another, and want to spend many more years to come doing the same thing. I hope they get that.

Oh and final thought… I want that house! Their final Sapporo house was beautiful, as was the town. It felt like a holiday special!

[walkawaytall]

I really wish there was more interest in how to handle ADHD other than just addressing the symptoms that affect the people around us.

Like, the best pharmaceutical treatment we have right now is stimulants, and I agree that being on stimulants 24 hours a day, 365 days a year is probably not good for your body. Hell, I’m on a less-than-ideal dose of my medication from a concentration perspective because the ideal dose had my resting heart rate sitting at a cool 115BPM. I know taking med holidays is important. I know all of this.

But because ADHD isn’t just an attention problem (or may not actually be an attention problem at all at its core), it sucks that the only time period medical professionals seem to be concerned about treating are the “important” times: the length of a school or workday. Forget the fact that ADHD affects executive function, forget the fact that people with ADHD often experience chronic and unending anxiety and/or depression as a result of the ADHD, forget that there are important times that have nothing to do with an 8-hour school or work day, forget the rejection sensitivity dysphoria, the sensory issues that make things like clothing, food, and group situations a nightmare to try to navigate, the household stuff that has to be taken care of outside of the 8-hour school or work day. It feels like none of that matters because it doesn’t affect a group of fifteen or more people.

On top of ADHD, I have been plagued with anxiety-related issues for the majority of my life. I likely have a form of OCD and I have a history with a restrictive eating disorder; both of those conditions are very closely associated with high levels of anxiety. I’ve been on anxiety medications before. I was first given an as-needed medication that took the edge off but also made everything feel a little fuzzy, like there was a pane of glass between me and the rest of the world; I was put on an SSRI that somehow made my OCD-related intrusive thoughts about 50x worse than usual and had me wondering at one point if I should be hospitalized; and I’m currently on buspirone, which is doing what it’s supposed to do without the side effects of the others thankfully. But nothing, and I mean nothing, has reduced my anxiety as much as my ADHD medication.

Two hours after my first stimulant dosage, I just suddenly didn’t feel on-edge any more. I estimate that being on ADHD medication has reduced my anxiety by about 70% (buspirone’s for the other 30%). I started taking it in the summer of 2020 and I remember, in 2021, when I saw my boss in person for the first time since lockdown, he remarked on how much more confident I seemed, how I was more likely to speak up in meetings, etc. And I was like…yeah, man, it’s a wonder what not feeling anxious every second of every day will do for someone.

ADHD affects so much more of my life than just attention and anxiety, too. I have sensory issues with mine, which is pretty common, and they make eating — an already sometimes-complicated task due to the ED history — difficult at times because, while I can eat foods that I don’t particularly like, if something is what I call “the bad texture”, I will gag no matter how hard I work to overcome it (believe me, I’ve tried). And my brain sometimes decides that foods that were previously fine are now “the bad texture” and they may or may not shift back to being okay eventually; I don’t know.

The sensory issues affect me socially. My therapist and I have recently come to the conclusion that I’m probably not actually an introvert, but if I’m around larger groups, that means noise and movement and probably being touched, and too much of that causes my brain to either freak out or shut down. I used to always say, “I love people, but when I’m done, I’m done.” And that was likely because the overstimulation was building and building in the background, and at a certain point, my brain would just be like, “We gotta get outta here.” I was Queen of Irish Goodbyes for a very long time because of this.

And the executive dysfunction affects…well..everything? Not just work, not just school (but also those because if my environment is chaotic, my brain feels chaotic, and it is difficult to maintain a non-chaotic environment if you keep getting stuck on order of operations when picking up a room).

I’m not saying that I want to be on longer-lasting stimulants or that I want to be on the higher dose that I know helps my concentration more, cardiovascular system by damned. What I’m saying is, I wish treatment research had been more holistic rather than just figuring out what would give teachers and managers an easier time despite what the person with ADHD might be dealing with as soon as their meds wear off.

Maybe current research is working on it; I don’t know. I just know that, the older I get, the more frustrated I am with my brain and the more apparent the deficiencies I used to be able to counteract with pre-chronic-illness energy and crushing perfectionism become, and I wish there was an answer to this that actually helped me most of the time rather than forcing me to pick which parts of my day/week is “important” and making sure I’m medicated for those parts.

[rosieposie1002]

The Boys :

Denki and Akira

My first friend in U.A

We met on the first day of school cuz bro rammed into me on the sidewalk while he was skating (i head cannon him as someone who skates everyday to school)

Started apologizing to me cuz he thought I was a senior

Turns out we were both first years who were just relieved that they would know someone from school

We also happen to live close by so I hang out a lot with him

Part of the rich kids gang

We're both dumbasses who are always upto something stupid

One of my closest friends

Aizawa Sensei is too tired for our shit

[Gossiping, playgrounds, popsicles, board games, summers, cold drinks, candy, pranks, late night ghost summoning]

Hanta and Akira

Bestie

We're like this 🤞

This man is the chillest, the bestest, the coolest, most amazing person in all of 1 A

We first started talking after we got paired up by All Might for the Hero vs Villain Hero Studies Training

He's half Spanish and I'm half (ig) American so we love talking in English with each other

Hanta is the first person to find out about my crush

He gives great advice not only in romantic matters but in all matters related to life

An avid video game player

He's the one I talk to the most, like we're both yappers

We also love doing new trends with each other

He's my best friend (w/ Kyoka and Felix)

[Late night cooking, biking, cafes, cats, ice cream, chocolates, intrusive thoughts, cola, video games, movies, manga, spiderman, nail paint]

Felix and Akira

My bestfriend in every dr

Was the emo guy at first who never talked to anyone and thought he was undeserving of becoming a hero

We got paired up for the Final exam and I clocked his ass so bad that he had to come out of his shell and accept his self worth lol

We've become inseparable since then, like we love talking about anything and everything

Love doing skincare with him

Part of the Dekusquad 😎

Lowkey an anxious chihuahua

We're the most unhinged duo out there like Kats and Shoto are almost always worried (Sho) and angry (Kats) at us

[Facemasks, gossip, brainrot, sunglasses, study sessions, NCT, playfights, sarcasm, shopping, James Bond, food, card games]

Katsuki and Akira

older brother - little sister vibes

At first he saw me as an extra like everyone else but like an extra with cool powers so potential rival ig

It was only after we rescued him from the Lov did he actually start opening up to me

After that we built a kind of angry older brother and mischievous younger sister bond

He genuinely is one of the sweetest people I've ever met, just doesn't know how to express it

I always tease him when he's with Kirishima

High key third wheeling in my relationship from the start

Also knows how to braid hair like a pro

[Deep conversations, braids, baggy hoodies, cooking, music, hand over shoulder, head pats, Nemo, walks, sparring, teasing jokes]

Izuku and Akira

another suicidal bestie

He's such a sweet boy omg

I think we got closer after the Hero vs Villain Training that All Might made us do

Like you know when everyone was saying how they loved Izuku's fight after he came back from the infirmary

Also became really close to Uraraka and Iida around that time

But, I think the thing that really pulled us together was that I was All Might's niece so I guess we really got close after that

He's almost always having breakdown

Certified Yapper Duo of Class 1A, like we never shut up

Always takes part in whatever idiotic things I wanna do even if he knows he'll get in trouble

[Hoodies, breakdowns, yapping, notes, idiots, All Might, distorted sleep schedules, study sessions, manga, books, hair care, ice creams]

Ejiro and Akira

The man that he is omg

I think we also got close after the Hero vs Villain Hero Training

Had to fight against him and (spoiler) me and Hanta won but he didn't throw a tantrum like someone *cough*Katsuki*cough* and was actually really supportive

Who can not be friends with him like come on

The most respectful man I know

A bit clueless but loves learning new things

Me and Mina are always lieing to him about the simplest things and he believes it

Me and the Bakusquad always help him dye his hair

Is like the middle older brother when you have two older brothers

Like Katsuki is the eldest, Ejiro is the middle and I'm the youngest

Always goes along with whatever idiotic stuff I wanna do

[Gym, hair care, training, protein shakes, dyes, tiktok trends, bracelets, FRIENDS, pranks, comfort, chick flicks, romcoms, kpop]

Hitoshi and Akira

to be added...

[dreambones]

(Reposting over here)

I fully forgot to share this here when I finished it oups.

Happy 10 year anniversary of being made Sulker (a month or so late), which means a much needed updated reference.

Not much has changed, I feel I just polished some details and made it clearer to read, plus half the images are more of a drawing guide to myself so I can stop jumping between past drawings whenever I draw him and have some sort of consistency.

Biggest changes must be his clothes being a more blue gray color instead of brown, the black goo having a teal/green shine instead of white, the multiple pupils when mad/hungry, and glowing teeth of the same color as pupils.

I am currently writing a big document with everything explained, hoping the Slenderverse and Creepypasta fandoms still love reading long, detailed explanations. Meanwhile have a summarized version with the most important parts.

Sulker is a very old slender creature, it is unknown how he came to be and when, only that he has been around the earth for a very long time but not as long as the better known Slenderman. 

A monster that prays on humans mental vulnerability, exploiting their weaknesses in his favor, lures them into surrendering themselves to him. 

An insatiable hunger, enjoyment for others suffering, a voice you will only realize it’s not your own too late. 

This is The Sulker.

Name: Sulker

Also known as: The Sulker, The Sulkerman.

Age: Unknown. First known written documents that mention his existence date back to 1346 during the beginning of the Black Plague.

Personality: Short tempered, volatile, irritable, sarcastic, smug, witty, cynical, has a dark sense of humor and enjoys the failures of others. A sadist, aggressive, with a short patience unless it involves “playing with his food”. 

Easily frustrated and has an almost nonexistent fuse, but he can still tell when someone is just trying to get a reaction out of him.

He is in an almost constant state of hunger that drives him to be often looking to feed himself. Strong hunger puts him on edge, making it harder to deal with him. 

Slender species related abilities: Sulker shares most of Slender's basic abilities, assuming these are common to the “species” with personal variations between individuals.

Slender walking

A form of teletransportation, he can move long distances in the blink of an eye.

Space distortion

Much like Slenderman, he can modify the space around a limited number of humans for a limited amount of time.

Video and picture distortion

Electronic devices can’t capture him correctly, his image will come out blurry, smudged, or similar to burnt film. This occurs with digital cameras and video, however, for unknown reasons film photos and film videos seem to capture his image better.  

Change height and body shape

He can modify his height a couple of feet to make himself taller or shorter (while still out of the ordinary tall for human standards). 

Proxys:

Like many other slenders, he can bestow supernatural traits to normal humans, which in return, ties them to him and his command. This can be voluntarily or against the person's will. 

Abilities specific to Sulker:

Intrusive thoughts:

Sulker has the power to tune into a person's negative thoughts and emotions, and amplify these to unbearable levels. He however can not create negative thoughts, he can only get into their frequency, like a radio signal. 

Just as Slenderman has his dreaded static, upon approaching Sulkerman, voices or whispers can be heard, the intensity fluctuating with Sulker's mood. 

The Black Poison (Black goo):

He produces a thick, black substance that resembles a mix of oil and tar, with teal reflections. It is extremely sticky and frigid to the touch, and when it makes contact with the skin it will leave black stains that take days to remove fully, while it is almost impossible to successfully remove from clothes. 

Sulker is immune to the stickiness, allowing him to manipulate the substance with no issues, and his clothes, although stained, seemed to not stick as one would expect.

The main source of the black poison is Sulker’s tentacles, but it can also be produced from his mouth and eye cavities. 

Stickiness / Sticky webs

Directly tied to the Black Poison, Sulker can manipulate the substance to make traps and occasionally, resting points for himself. 

The black goo is extremely sticky, able to hold an adult human stuck to a wall for an extended period of time. 

Relationships: Sulker is not sociable at all, his meetings with other slenders are purely for “professional” and territory reasons, other than that, he is not one to seek the company of others. 

Despite his temper, he has managed to keep a “polite” relationship with Slenderman, not because he likes him, but because he acknowledges his power and influence, plus the absurd amount of proxies and allies he has. 

However, if the opportunity to overthrow the slender ever presents itself, he won’t hesitate to get rid of him. 

It’s very easy to get on his bad side however, it’s possible, extremely hard but possible, to get on his good side.

Sulker sees humans as cattle and at best, pets, inferior creatures that now and then can be useful or at the very least, amusing. 

Radio: 

Sulker’s proxy and in charge of keeping other proxies updated on tasks and the slenderbeing whereabouts when instructed by Sulker. You can say he is Sulker's spokesperson since the slender being has no interest in communicating with his proxies unless really necessary.