#find out you have psychosis so please be careful' - talk

[tiredsn0w]

I'm still thinking about a video I watched recently. Its creator said it would touch on anti-psychiatry, and I was looking forward to that.

I only realised it was supposed to be a 'content warning' after they had already said something along the lines of "psych wards are good, medication is good, you SHOULD take medication, and the goal of medication isn't to change your personality".

Classic example of schizospecs being excluded from mental health subjects, because maybe that's true for antidepressants and such, but antipsychotics? They can certainly help people, and be used as a coping tool, but they were invented as a chemical lobotomy. Physical lobotomies were practiced to turn schizophrenics into "pleasant house pets" (actual terminology used) and chemical ones, in my experience, aren't very different.

Also, while antipsychotics can be helpful sometimes, being prescribed them at a young age (11 or 12, for me) can permanently alter your brain's chemistry and cause you to have worse symptoms. These risks are rarely, if ever, explained to patients- I even had a psychotic friend be prescribed antipsychotics when she went in for sleeping medication, with zero explanation of what the medication was even for from the psychiatrist-- and universally pushing the idea of "meds good" is just untrue.

TL;DR: Psychiatry/mental health isn't just about anxiety and depression, please don't talk about it like it is.

[yandere-kokeshi]

Been having a bit of a rough time lately as I've gotten diagnosed with psychosis. Do you have any headcanons for what romantic yandere Hobie would be like with an obsession who struggles with auditory hallucinations? If you're comfortable with writing about this, of course.

Warnings: yandere behavior and talks about hallucinations

A/N: I'm so sorry you're having a hard time 😭. I tried looking this up and doing my best research, but if I did anything wrong, please dm. Hope you get better dovey <3

Hobie is very perspective and easily noticed your strange aura. He could easily see something was up, as you often looked around you like someone was calling your name.

When finding out, he’s supportive and rather nonchalant about it. That necessarily mean he doesn’t care about you, but rather isn’t very opinionated about it; it’s you, there’s nothing else to add.

Struggling is hard, especially with things you can’t control. Hobie makes sure to go out of his way that you feel comfortable, bringing custom headphones he made for you or making sure you always have your attention on him.

The voices can get loud, especially with negative things. With this said, whenever Hobie senses you're down, he sits you down and has a stern talk – making sure damn hell that you know you're fucking amazing.

Hobie goes out of his way to search up about your diagnosis, learning what makes it worse and what makes you like a million bucks. He’s good at suggesting things, regularly pulling you into the kitchen to make new dishes as a way to explore together.

He’s so good at distracting. Furthermore, he frequently waves you to sit and eat with him and the group. He regularly recommends that you work out with him, and take a bunch of naps together, as he admires you wearing the headphones he made for you.

Never will he judge you when he sees you at your breaking point. He’s there, plopping you in his lap as he rubs your back and shoulders. Comforting whispers and kisses are prepped at your skin, words of encouragement and squeezing hugs are there for you. He’s going to take care of you, he promises it.

When he sees you dissociate in the middle of a conversation or during the day, he gently grabs your chin and reels your attention back towards him; his thick New York accent pulling out of your trance as he asks if he can take you out for ice cream (that will obviously be stolen).

Regardless of your condition, he still treats you like a human being and doesn’t tip toe around you. He admires you as his partner, and he doesn’t want you to see that he’s going to treat you different just because of something you have. He loves you.

—

Masterlist || Please consider reblogging and commenting instead of liking, it helps me as a creator!! Stay well!!

© yandere-kokeshi 2023 — Do not copy, modify, edit, repost, or use my works for ASMR readings, tiktoks, or other content.

[hollowedfae]

I love alice in wonderland and alice: madness returns themes so much. the victorian era, red, black & white, rabbits, clocks, stripes, dark cabaret vibes, teeth, the creepy & macabre, dolls, knives, tea cups, bugs, strange creatures, surgical instruments, the portrayal of what its really like to experience hallucinations, psychosis, delusions, or just mental illness in general.

not only do i adore all of these aesthetics, but as someone who has personally experienced auditory and visual hallucinations/psychosis, depersonalization, and delusions myself, it really makes me happy seeing ppl turn something that i've struggled with into something beautiful, artistic and poetic.

i've escaped to my head more times than i can count in an attempt to escape trauma. sometimes purposely and other times involuntarily when experiencing traumatic situations. i've struggled to know what is real and what isn't. i've had to grow up with a mother who still to this day tries to convince me that certain events didn't happen when i know for fact they did because my sister went through them too. my mind has never been quite right or "normal." i've lost my mind many times. i've struggled to make friends my whole life because i don't think or act like most ppl despite desperately wanting to fit in. and then throw autism on top of all that, and you have a scared, lonely, shy & anxious wreck of a girl.

you see, i love to play around with aesthetics, and share my interests, but the stuff i post online goes so much deeper than just looking visually pleasing to people. these things i care about so much are my very heart and soul. my interests are basically who i am. people may find it strange that i care so deeply about bugs and rabbits, but to me it resonates with me so deeply that i can't even put it into words.

i've always loved alice in wonderland, but when i discovered alice: madness returns i REALLY knew then that i found exactly what i've been feeling my entire life. that game, those characters, that realm describes my mind and my personality and my trauma so well that its actually crazy to know someone out there had those same ideas living in their head.

oh what i wouldn't give to have a conversation with american mcgee🥺😭

maybe i'm just ranting again but i just wanted to share a bit about myself and why i love the things i post about. it really means the world to me when i find likeminded people on here. its so precious to me when i talk to people who have a connection to the same things i do.

so yeah i'm not kidding when i say my tumblr is just the inside of my brain😹

[schizodiaries]

Hello! I am trying to create a character with schizoaffective disorder, but I do not have this disorder myself and thought asking people who actually experience psychosis (cause that is what I am looking into specifically right now) would be better for learning than asking Google lol

I saw your post that said a person experiencing delusions is actually in those delusions; I think one of the examples you used was you are the reincarnation of Christ? I was just wondering if there is a way for a second person to help them out of these delusions? Or how a second person can support them during these delusions? I hope I am wording this right; for reference, this character is going to get a boyfriend and I want to understand how to write their boyfriend interacting with them when they are experiencing delusions

(sorry if any of this was worded rudely in anyway and please feel free to correct me if it was; I am trying to learn here so that would actually be helpful!)

Thank you!!!

Hi there! Firstly I think it’s really cool that you’re writing a character with schizoaffective disorder. And I appreciate you reaching out for advice as well.

A second person can be a tremendous help to someone experiencing delusions. But they have to be careful with how they interact with a delusional person. Before I go over how to do that, the first thing that needs to be established is whether or not someone is actually experiencing a delusion. There are some obvious delusions, such as claiming to be Jesus Christ or the president of the United States. But some people will also believe things that are probable, like that someone is stalking them, that they’re terminally ill, or that they know a famous person. Find out if they’re delusional first, and you can usually do that by asking questions or respectfully asking for proof.

Then once you’re certain you’re dealing with a delusion, you can figure out how to interact with them. You of course don’t want to endorse the delusion or feed into it. But you don’t want to outright tell them they’re wrong either. The best thing to do is stay unbiased and neutral about the delusion. Keep in mind that the delusional person’s claims are based on their reality, which often contradicts objective reality. So arguing with a delusional person about what’s real and what’s not won’t really get you anywhere.

Let’s say a delusional person claims they are the president of the United States. You obviously don’t want to agree with them, as that would drive them further into the delusion, and also you would be lying to them. But simply saying “no you’re not” isn’t very helpful either. The goal is to try and remain as neutral as possible about their delusion, neither confirming nor denying it outright. But if you must challenge it, do so with respect. Don’t make snide or sarcastic comments. Don’t be accusatory or aggressive. Just give the person a gentle nudge back to objective reality.

And of course, this is all just my opinion on how to interact with a delusional person. There may be other schizospecs who disagree, or who think playing along with a delusion is the better option. But as someone who has had delusions in the past, I found it most helpful when people stuck with facts and objective reality. It certainly helped me to break out of the delusions sooner. And once I did recover from them, I appreciated the people who were patient and gentle with me rather than the ones who tried to argue with me about what’s real and what’s not.

Also, a few years ago I stumbled across a video of an MHT talking about how he interacts with delusional people. I found this video to be really helpful and informative, and maybe you will too.

Good luck with writing your characters!

[crystalninjaphoenix]

Determined to Endure

Switch AU

A JSE Fanfic

A shorter chapter for today. I've been surprisingly busy this week... or maybe just tired lol. In any case, the IRIS arc continues! This time we're focusing on Jackie, Marvin, and Anti. Jackie is approached with a deal, but he tries to find a way around it. Meanwhile, Anti starts to hatch a plan, and Marvin gets taken somewhere for mysterious, but probably not good, reasons. A short summary for a short chapter. I hope you guys enjoy!

More of This AU | | First Chapter | Previous Chapter | Read on AO3 under CrystalNinjaPhoenix

Jackie had been pretty much stuck in this room for days. He was going a little bit crazy from the lack of interaction. C&C guards showed up for each meal, dropping off food, but they might as well have been robots for how much they responded to him. The longer he was stuck in here, the more tempting it was to hit one of them with a chair and scream at them to answer him. He didn’t think that being stuck in here was worse than his time spent with Distorter, but it was still awful being trapped in here.

After what felt like ages, something different finally happened. Jackie was lying face-down on the bed when he heard the door open. He assumed that it was meal time, so he didn’t even bother to lift his head. Until... “Dr. Parker?”

“Huh?!” Jackie’s head shot up. He looked over to the side and saw someone sitting at the table. Daniel, the doctor who’d talked to him when he first woke up in IRIS. The door was already closed again. “What are you—You’re back now all of a sudden?!”

“Hello again, Dr. Parker,” Daniel said calmly. “I’m sorry about the long stretch of time without anyone checking in on you.”

Jackie rolled his eyes.

“Please, come over so we can talk,” Daniel continued. 

Sighing, Jackie stood up and walked over to the other chair, sitting down across from Daniel. “What?” he snapped.

“Don’t be so hostile, Jackie,” Daniel said.

“You’ve locked me in a room while you’re experimenting on my friends! I have the right to be a bit fucking hostile!”

Daniel paused. “We don’t want you to be hurt, you know.”

“But my friends are fair game, then?” Jackie muttered.

“No, we don’t want them to be hurt, either,” Daniel said.

“...I just—” Jackie shook his head. “I just frankly don’t believe you.”

Daniel clasped his hands together and smiled, trying to look friendly. “I understand why you wouldn’t. But trust me when I say that everything we’re doing here is necessary. We want this to be as easy for all of you as possible. So if there’s anything you can tell us to help make them comfortable, it would be greatly appreciated.”

Jackie tensed immediately. “You—y-you want information from me?” he whispered. 

“No, not in the way you’re thinking,” Daniel said. “Jackie, you have the ability to help your friends right now. For example, we know that Schneeplestein suffers from some sort of psychosis, and we can figure out his medication, but we don’t know if there’s anything that will upset him—”

“This whole thing is something that’ll ‘upset’ him!” Jackie growled.

“Alright, let’s start with that,” Daniel said. “What specifically would get to him?”

“Being fucking trapped? I—I-I can’t believe that you all don’t realize this! I can’t believe that I was part of this fucking company!”

Daniel was quiet for a while. “Dr. Parker,” he finally said seriously. “If you don't help us take care of your friends, they will not be helped at all.”

Jackie blinked. “Is that... a threat?”

“It is a fact. We do not know anything about them. Not really. We know facts that we found, but we don’t know about their personalities or emotional needs. You have been the friendliest of them so far—” As Daniel said that, Jackie barely managed to hold himself back from saying ‘I wonder why?!’ “—so you are the only one we can approach with questions. We would hate for your friends to suffer more than necessary. For example, Marvin Moore has some sort of chronic fatigue, yes? If we push him too far, that fatigue might become pain.”

Jackie went pale. That certainly sounded like a threat. “Wh-what are you guys going to do, that would—that would hurt him?”

“That’s the point, we don’t know,” Daniel emphasized. “But you could help us, and help him by proxy.” He leaned forward. “Who knows what might happen if you stay silent.”

“Y-you... you can’t...” Jackie swallowed a lump in his throat. He wanted to refuse to help IRIS. But... part of him couldn’t help but worry. What if Daniel was right? What if his friends ended up more hurt because he didn’t say anything?

Then he thought about what the others would say if they knew he’d told IRIS anything about them. Much less if IRIS used information he’d given them against his friends. Anti and Schneep would be pissed, Marvin probably would too... JJ would be kind about it, but he’d no doubt feel betrayed. He didn’t think that any of the guys would hold it against him for too long, but he would feel terrible knowing what he’d done, how he’d made them feel.

At the same time, he didn’t want to anger IRIS... just in case. Maybe he could pretend to cooperate? “Wh-what do you want to know?” he asked slowly.

“Tell us about your friend Marvin,” Daniel said. “Does he have any special requirements?”

“Um... h-he usually needs support to walk,” Jackie said slowly. “It helps keep him from getting tired.”

“I see. We believe he doesn’t have any anomalous abilities, is that correct?”

Jackie nodded. “Yeah. He’s just a guy.”

Daniel frowned doubtfully. He glanced at the camera in the corner—wait, shit, those are the WTCHR cameras! They’re able to detect lying! Did they know he wasn’t being entirely sincere in his responses? Well they probably knew he was panicking now, at least!

“And what about your anomalous friend?” Daniel asked. “Our medical scans have shown that his throat is damaged.”

“JJ?” Jackie paused, trying to slow down his thoughts to piece together a response that wouldn’t give away too much information. “He—yes, Distorter attacked him. He probably would’ve died if... a friend hadn’t intervened.”

“Is ALTR 53815-A related to his anomalous abilities?” Daniel asked.

“N-no, he just... has that, I think...” Don’t imply magicians exist, don’t imply magicians exist, don’t imply—

Daniel nodded slowly. “Were any of your friends in possession of any anomalous items?”

Jackie laughed, trying to sound lighthearted and not nervous. “I think I’d know about that,” he said, choosing his words carefully. It’s not an outright denial or agreement, but it should imply something. Don’t mention the cards, don’t mention the cards— “Besides, this—that question isn’t related to helping my friends, is it?”

“Well, if your friends have been exposed to any anomalous items they could still be suffering from the effect of—” Daniel paused. His hand went up to his ear for a second. Did he have some sort of earpiece? If he did, it must have been very small, because Jackie couldn’t see it. “...Perhaps we should be frank with you,” Daniel said. “We recovered strange playing cards from one of your friends. Marvin, I believe?”

“...oh?” Jackie instinctively wanted to tense up, but he forced himself to stay relaxed.

“We separated them from him,” Daniel said. “And yet, even after we did that, Marvin has been showing strange, anomalous properties.”

Jackie sat up straight. “Huh? What sort of properties?”

“He seemingly appeared out of nowhere,” Daniel said. “But on closer inspection, it seems as though he entered some sort of time lag.”

“Time what?”

“You’re familiar with lag in a video game, yes?” Daniel said. “When it stutters and glitches. Sometimes in a game with multiple people, someone who’s lagging can appear to phase through objects or appear out of nowhere. Your friend Marvin briefly entered a state similar to that in reality.”

“...huh.” Jackie leaned back. “I... don’t know anything about that. I’m... sorry.” He paused. “Maybe it’s... caused by the anomalous cards? Did you all do something to them when you took them from him?”

Daniel shook his head. “The cards did enter a strange state, but it happened on its own, not because of anything we did.”

Jackie wasn’t sure he believed that. But he didn’t think Daniel would lie about the ‘time lag.’ It was such a specific thing. What happened? Had Marvin cast some sort of spell with his cards before they all got knocked out by IRIS? “I don’t know anything about that,” Jackie repeated.

Daniel looked at him quietly for a moment. Scanned him with his eyes. Jackie swallowed a lump in his throat and stared back. After a moment, Daniel nodded. “Alright. Let’s continue. Now, your friend... ‘Anti,’ he’s called. We couldn’t find any legal records of his birth name, which is actually extraordinary in a way. Do you know anything about him that we should know?”

Jackie hesitated. “Um.. no... not really...” He wondered how Anti was getting along, actually. He hadn’t been reacting to the situation well in that brief moment he last saw him... 

———————

This camera was made of fucking rock.

Anti had thought he’d be able to move it slightly—it seemed to be built on a hinge or a swivel so it could scan his room. If he could just jam it or something—but noooo, this might as well have been a solid piece of plastic for all it could move.

Biting back a growl of frustration, he carefully climbed down from the chair. He’d dragged it over beneath the camera so they couldn’t see him—he was fairly sure this spot directly under it was a blind spot—but they could probably still hear him. He had to be extra cautious so they wouldn’t catch on and stop him. No weird sounds or sudden movements. He’d even taken his shoes off so his footsteps would be quieter. 

Back on solid ground again, he sat down heavily on the chair, leaning back, tilting his head up so he was looking at the underside of the camera. Maybe if he had some sort of tool... Maybe the next time they came to get him for one of those fucked-up experiments—because he was sure there would be another one of those—he could try to grab something.

But he had no idea how long that would be.

Patient. He had to be patient. He had to not lose his fucking mind like he did before. That’d be... difficult. But he could try. For his friends.

———————

Marvin was trying to nap when the door opened. He sat up straight immediately, and saw a pair of guards enter the room. “Wh-what is this?” he asked, voice showing more fear than he wanted. He still vividly remembered all the strangeness surrounding the last time they showed up to take him somewhere. Putting aside the accidental happenings with his failed escape attempt and his cards, there was... that experiment. He shuddered just recalling the daze he’d been in, the way Anti kept trying to reach out to him, but his voice had sounded so distant... 

Without saying a word, the guards walked towards him. “Whoa, h-hey, back up!” Marvin scrambled backwards, but he was cornered. The guards grabbed him roughly by the shirt, ignoring his yelp, and dragged him off the bed, where they adjusted their hold so they were gripping his arms. Then they marched out of the room. In the hallway outside there was another pair of guards. They said nothing to each other, just walked down the hall, pulling Marvin with them.

“H-hey, is t’is abou’ what happened last time?” Marvin asked nervously. “You—t’ere’s no hard feelin’s, righ’?”

The guards didn’t say anything. But their tight grip on his arms felt personal, somehow.

They dragged him in the same direction he’d escaped before—going through the set of double doors into that white-walled highway, and then down to the elevator at the end. One of the guards took out a keycard and scanned it before pressing a button to call the elevator. Marvin briefly considered trying to break free while they were waiting—but then one of the guards casually took something off his belt and pointed it at Marvin. He froze. That couldn’t be a real gun. Or at least, not one that shot bullets. But it probably shot something nasty nonetheless. The implication was clear. He was not to escape.

When the elevator arrived, the guards dragged him in and quickly pressed the button second from the top. The doors closed, and Marvin tried to push back the sense of finality that came with that.

The ride was short. Soon, the elevator stopped and the guards pulled Marvin out onto a new floor. One which, bizarrely enough, reminded Marvin of a hospital. He wasn’t sure why. There was just something in the plaster walls and tile floor that caused the feeling. Maybe part of the reason was because, unlike the other floor, the elevator here opened onto an open space instead of a hallway. A big square room, with a corridor on the walls left, right, and ahead. The central area of the room had a bunch of desks with computers. 

The walls of the room also had some windowed sections, and some glass doors. Marvin glanced into the nearest one. Ah—there were smaller rooms lining this larger one, and the glass walls and doors let the people in the main room look into them. For some reason, his first thought was ‘it’s like a zoo.’ A bunch of terrariums for people to gawk at.

Which meant his stomach dropped when the guards started dragging him towards one of these smaller rooms. Inside he could see a table and two chairs across from each other, just like the setup in his room. “Wh-what is t’is?” Marvin asked, voice cracking slightly. “What are you goin’ t’do to me?!”

The guards remained silent. The one with the keycard pulled it out again, scanning it on a spot next to the glass door. There was a beep, and another guard reached forward to slide it open while the other two dragged Marvin into the room. They forcefully sat him down on one of the chairs and grabbed his arms, shoving his hands down on the table. There was a pair of handcuffs attached to the surface. “H-hey, let’s—” he started to say, but while he was talking the guards already snapped the manacles onto his wrists. They were cold and tight. He tested the strength of them, but of course he wasn’t nearly strong enough to break the chain.

And then the guards left. But Marvin could see them still hovering around outside through the glass wall. No doubt doing their job and guarding him. But... there was no one else in sight. Nobody was here to observe whatever test was going to happen. There wasn’t even a camera in the room.

 Marvin could only sit there and wonder.

———————

Anti had wondered when his sitting under the camera would draw attention. Well, it turned out, it didn’t take long. Or maybe the guards walking into the room were coincidental. Either way, he sat up straight when they appeared. “Subject, why are you sitting in the corner?” One asked.

“Trying to avoid you all staring at me,” Anti grumbled.

The three guards in the room exchanged glances. Then two of them walked forward and unceremoniously grabbed Anti, yanking him upwards. He growled, but fought the urge to struggle. He was trying to play nice to get on IRIS’s good side, wasn’t he? But it was hard to just stay quiet and let the guards manhandle him down the hallway.

They took him to the same room as last time, but now the setup was different. Instead of the U-shape of desks and that weird stone tablet in the center, there were about four loose desks all set up around a central chair with straps. Now that—that he couldn’t just go quietly into, as panic immediately kicked his fight or flight instinct into gear. Anti tried to struggle, pulling against the grip of the guards. And—he actually managed to pull an arm free! He wasn’t about to question it! He punched the other guard in the face and bolted forward.

But then—

Something pierced his side and a jolt of pain spread outwards from that spot. Anti screamed, recognizing the feeling. A taser! No! He had to—get away! 

He threw himself forward, but only managed to crash into one of the desks, jittering on the floor aimlessly. Some junk from the desk fell to the ground around him. A few pens, a set of keys, some paperclips, and... one of those L-shaped bits of metal, what were they called? An allen wrench.

As the pain from the shock faded, and the guards bent down to grab Anti, an idea hit him. He scrambled forwards, pretending that he was trying to get away from the guards, but while he was moving he put his hand on top of the allen wrench and quickly curled his fingers around it. Maybe this was the tool he needed! It’d be better than trying to mess with the camera with his bare hands, at least. 

The guards grabbed him, hoisting him up and pulling him towards the chair with straps in the center of the room. And that’s when Anti realized he couldn’t just hold the wrench in his hand the whole time. They’d notice it! And he could let go of it and lose it easily!  His mind scrambled for a solution to this, and the answer it reached might’ve been less than ideal. Anti pulled his arm free again and ducked his head, pretending like he was gearing up for a big escape attempt—but actually shoved the wrench in his mouth.

Smack! One of the guards hit him in the side of the head. Anti cried out—but managed to keep the wrench hidden, partially beneath his tongue. Good. Good, that’s... all he needed. He could slump into the chair now. He didn’t even have the energy to bristle indignantly when the guards pulled the straps across his wrists and chest.

He leaned back, breathing slowly. Okay. He just needed to make it through whatever they had planned for him. He saw a door on the side of the room open and some people in white coats walk in and over to the desks. One of them grumbled something and bent over, scooping up the junk that Anti had knocked over in his struggle. He waited, tense, but the scientist didn’t seem to notice the missing wrench. And neither did the guards or any of the other scientists. They were all busy starting out their test, flipping switches and pressing buttons on strange instruments sitting on the desks.

Anti closed his eyes. He didn’t want to know what they were doing. Even as a strange humming sound started up, he didn’t want to know. He just had to endure whatever was going to happen now.

———————

Marvin felt like he’d been waiting in the room for hours. He’d fiddled with the chains on the handcuffs repeatedly, but found there was no wiggle room at all. The metal cuffs were basically skin tight, and he hated them.

As time passed, more people showed up in the other, bigger room. Most of them were wearing white coats: more scientists. Many of them gave him constant glances, and some stared at him outright. He resolved to not look at them in turn... but his nerves about this whole situation meant his eyes kept wandering in that direction, locking onto their every movement, despite what he actually wished.

But then, while watching—

“Jackie!” Marvin gasped.

The elevator doors opened and Jackie walked out, escorted by more guards. He saw Marvin shortly after Marvin saw him, and stumbled in surprise. The two of them stared at each other. They hadn’t seen each other once since they’d been taken to IRIS.

Then the guards, frustrated, grabbed Jackie and started pulling him towards the room where Marvin was sitting. He quickly started walking again, keeping pace with the guards. They took him to the room where Marvin was sitting, scanning the keycard and opening the door, walking in with him. “Marvin, are you alright?” Jackie asked hurriedly. “You’re not hurt or anything are you?!”

“No, Jackie, I’m fine,” Marvin reassured him. “I-I haven’t seen any of you, other t’an Anti. Are you alrigh’?”

“You saw Anti?” Jackie repeated. “I-I did too, for a moment, we both got moved to different rooms.”

“Yeah I heard t’at happenin’ nearby.”

“Dr. Parker, sit down,” said one of the guards.

Jackie glanced at them uneasily, but reluctantly sat down in the chair on the other side of the table. The guards picked up a second pair of handcuffs and chained him down as well. “I’m... fine by the way,” Jackie said quietly. “Just been stuck in a room for days. When did you see Anti?”

Marvin leaned forward. “T’ese bastards did somet’ing to us.” He explained the experiment as quickly as he could. While he did that, the guards retreated from the room, leaving just the two of them inside. Scientists in white coats wandered over, staring at the two of them through the window, holding clipboards and electronic tablets.

Jackie shivered. “That’s terrible.”

“I-I still don’ know why they did it,” Marvin said quietly.

“I’m guessing that weird tablet was somehow similar to Distorter,” Jackie said. “Or... the house on Aspen Street. They wanted to see how you’d react to something similar, since you a-and Anti were most... affected by Distorter.”

“Most affected?! You got trapped in there for nine focking months!”

Jackie smiled darkly. “Yeah... but that was a while ago, compared to you two.”

Marvin nodded. “I s’ppose... w-well, anyt’ing else you have to share?”

“I saw that this is the top floor of five, so our cells are probably on the ground to third floor,” Jackie said. “Or there might be a basement, but I doubt that we’re on that floor. That might be where Volt and JJ are, though.”

“Okay... so—”

A screeching sound filled the room. Jackie winced, and Marvin cried out and tried to cover his ears, but his arms couldn’t move that far while chained to the table. What was that? Some sort of... feedback?

“Hello Dr. Parker,” a voice said from an intercom.

Jackie started. “Daniel?”

“You know t’at voice?” Marvin asked, surprised.

“K-kinda, vaguely,” Jackie said. “From when I was uh... employed here. We talked a couple times.”

“Enough times t’be on a first-name basis?”

“Dr. Parker, IRIS is very disappointed in you,” Daniel continued. “We had offered you a way to help everyone, but you rejected it, lying to our faces.”

Jackie stiffened. “Shiiiit.”

“Huh? What?” Marvin looked around. The scientists on the other side of the glass walls gave no acknowledgement to them. But they had to hear what was happening, right? This glass didn’t seem soundproof.

“During our talk this morning, you denied all knowledge of the anomalous cards found on Mr. Moore’s person. But this was clearly a falsehood.”

“They asked you about my cards?!” Marvin gasped.

“IRIS is very disappointed,” Daniel repeated. “You could have helped us in so much.”

“V-vague promises of help aren’t enough to sway me,” Jackie said nervously.

Part of the ceiling lowered, a circular glass tube. Inside of it was—

“My cards!” Marvin gasped. He stood up and reached for them, but they remained above his head, well out of reach of his chained hand

“The room you’re in is currently being monitored for signs of any anomalies,” Daniel said. “If something strange happens, we will know. And if it’s something dangerous, we have the ability to stop it.” The bottom of the glass tube slid open and the cards fluttered down to the table—luckily none of them fell off the table and all landed on the surface. “You two are going to show some examples of how these cards work.”

Marvin blinked. “Um... well, we... we don’ exactly know...” It wasn’t a lie, was it? The cards had almost infinite possible ways they could be arranged, and he didn’t remember most of them.

“Then you will figure it out,” Daniel said calmly. 

Jackie pulled at the handcuffs attaching him to the table. He looked at Marvin. “Um... sorry,” he said.

“Sorry?”

“I shouldn’t have said anything about the cards at all, but I—I thought—I-I don’t know what I thought, I guess I just... maybe they would leave us alone? I-I don’t know. I didn’t want to say anything but I thought they wouldn’t leave me alone... but I should’ve known they would find out I was hiding something.”

“What? Are you sayin’ t’is wouldn’ be happenin’ if ye kept your mouth shut?” Marvin gestured at the room around them. “Pretty sure it would happen anyway.”

“...still.” Jackie shook his head. “I don’t know. I can’t help but feel like I fucked something up.”

Marvin laughed. “Honestly, it’s possible ye jus’ got yourself in trouble wit’ t’at.”

“...yeaaah.” Jackie pursed his lips. “Well, uh... are we going to do what they asked? Figure out what your cards do?”

Marvin glanced at the scientists. They were poised to take notes. “Well... what happens if we don’?”

At that moment, both sets of cuffs started glowing white. Pain jolted up Marvin’s wrists and he shouted out. Jackie also let out a short scream.

“The less you cooperate, the higher intensity the electric shocks will be,” Daniel said calmly.

“Wh-what the fuck?” Jackie gasped. “Just—j-just completely dropping the pretense, are we? I’m not g-going to help or join any company that shocks people into compliance!”

“If either of you try anything, the other will also be shocked in turn,” Daniel continued.

“F-fun,” Marvin commented. “T’at’s probably why you’re here, Jackie. Leverage.”

“Fun,” Jackie repeated, going pale. “So... now what?”

“We coul’ continue to resist, if we wanted,” Marvin said. “But... I-I don’ know how long we could hold out. Maybe we coul’ just... try... messing wit’ the cards? Maybe we’ll find somet’ing helpful.”

Jackie nodded slowly. He looked down at the cards and took a deep breath. “Alright.” He started flipping the cards over so they were all face-down, the runes on their backs visible. “But you know they’re watching us.” He jerked his head to the side, towards the glass door. “Anything we know, they’ll know.”

Marvin nodded slowly. “But... what else can we do righ’ now?”

“I-I don’t... know...” Jackie sighed. “I’m not... good in these sorts of situations... I-I’m not a fighter like Anti, or Schneep, or even you.”

“I’m flattered t’at you t’ink I’m a fighter,” Marvin said. He also began sorting out the cards, recognizing each rune and recalling what they do. Idly, he started looking for ways they could match up. 

“You are.” Jackie nodded. “You have this fire in you that I just don’t have.”

“You have a fire too, Jackie. I don’ t’ink anyone will blame you for not puttin’ it towards fightin’ t’ese guys. We’re jus’ normal people, you know. We’re jus’... doin’ our best to endure t’is. Like we have been for so long.”

Jackie didn’t reply right away. The two of them started making patterns with the cards. None of them seemed to do anything. There were a couple that gave off a few flashes of light, causing the two of them to tense and the scientists outside to lean closer with their clipboards, but there were no obvious effects. “...I’m tired, Marvin,” Jackie whispered. “I feel like I’m losing my mind, I want to do something, but at the same time, I’m so tired.”

Marvin nodded. “I’m tired, too. It can’ have been too long in here, but I’m tired. I t’ink we’re not meant to be in a constant state of ‘desperate to escape’.”

Jackie laughed. “No, no we’re not.”

“But we can’ give up, y’know,” Marvin continued. “We have people outside waitin’ for us. No matter how distant they feel righ’ now.” He pushed some more cards into place. “We have to keep goin’, for them, and for Jems, Anti, Schneep—for all of—”

Everything turned fuzzy.

Marvin blinked. Did something get in his eye...? He reached up to rub his eyes... and realized something. He wasn’t fuzzy. His body was totally clear. It was just the world around him that was strangely out of focus. This realization was followed by the subsequent realization that he had somehow slipped out of the handcuffs. “Jackie!” he gasped. “I’m out!” He shot to his feet.

Jackie didn’t move. Jackie didn’t look up. And the scientists outside the glass door didn’t react, either. Marvin blinked. He walked over towards the glass wall. One of the scientists was pulling a strange facial expression, like they were in the middle of a sneeze. Was that... exactly what was happening? Did time freeze around him?

Marvin looked back at the cards on the table. He hadn’t been going for any specific pattern. It looked like several of them had been pushed into a vague circle. He leaned closer, trying to remember what runes were on the back—

But then suddenly he was back in the chair, cuffs around his wrists again. He gasped as the world became clear again.

Jackie’s head snapped up. “Marvin?! Are you okay?!”

“I-I’m fine, I—” Marvin looked around. What was that? He looked down at the cards again...wait a minute. Those were new. Or, not new, but they weren’t there before. The joker cards.

Jackie followed his gaze. “Oh!” He started. “What’re those ones? With the spiral runes?”

“T’ose are the joker cards,” Marvin explained. “But... what’re they doin’ here? They were in some separate room before...”

“Huh?”

“Oh, I tried to escape and found them t’ere,” Marvin explained. “Doin’ t’is weird ‘swirling around each other’ t’ing. Why are they here now?”

Suddenly, the glass door slid open and guards rushed in, surrounding the two of them. Marvin yelped in surprise as they grabbed him and pulled him away from the cards, causing the cuffs to dig into his skin as they yanked his arms forward. “Hey, what?!” Jackie shouted as they did the same to him. Two guards stepped forward and unlocked the handcuffs, then a couple more pulled their arms back.

“J-Jackie!” Marvin shouted as the guards dragged him out of the room. “Jackie!”

“Marvin!” Jackie struggled against the guards holding him back. “D-don’t panic! You—you must’ve done something! Th-that could be good!” The glass door slid closed, separating them, but Marvin could still hear Jackie shouting. “Just hang on! We’ll get through this together!”

“Y-yeah!” Marvin nodded, trying to dig in his heels. He could hear some of the scientists muttering something. What were they talking about? Something about something synchronizing? The “feed” from some sort of camera? Were they monitoring something else at the same time as they were watching Marvin and Jackie. “I’ll see you again, Jackie! I promise!”

“I’ll see you!” Jackie shouted.

Then the guards dragged Marvin into the elevator and the doors slid shut.

[envious0fm3]

Is a deity reaching out? (PLEASE I need help to see if one's reaching out and identifying who"

Okay so I want to begin with I'm a beginner witch, I don't do deity work but I've had a sudden interested in them. I've been seeing things that seems like signs but I truly don't know if I'm going through spiritual psychosis or something. I've been doing divination to confirm but I'm not that experienced in divination. I asked my pendulum board if there's a deity reaching out to me. It said yes, I know that doesn't necessarily mean there is one. I went to my spirit box and changed communication to a spirit box to see if that would be better for conformation. For the past 4 days I've been communicating that way and recording the conversation and going back to the recording to see what words are coming through. I've been seeing snakes a lot, shows or movies I watch recently all involve with daemons and I wouldn't even know that's what the movies about or show or even with Greek mythology or hearing about gods and not intentionally doing it. I get certain urges to research stuff about daemons or stuff about other deities, I've been getting dreams back to back. Like I'll have 3 to 4 dreams a lot this week, last night I had a dream about being in a room with million of bee's, the other day while driving I seen two crows in the road. Back to the spirit box I've asked some questions and I know there's a big thing with trickster's so I don't know if what I'm truly talking to is a deity. I've been asking these questions for four days in a row to see if I get a different outcome. I will be putting the questions I have asked though and the responses to see what your thoughts are.

What are you known for? They replied back with known to "disagree" "does not care anymore" "made them sink or see" "roses" "God" "death" "water" "father time" "who's there when the nights falling" which idk what that means.

What are you associated with? The responses back were the sound of music notes, "snakes" "owl" "interesting" "of a great thing" "I'll wait for you" "love yourself" "often says" "support for" "you" I then asked if they’ve sent me signs. They proceeded to play this certain music note, “color” “plants” “company” and said “this is wrong discussion” “be patient” “for so long” “with us” “music notes again” “Oh dear” “you don’t even hear us” Next question was

How long have you been reaching out to me? They replied with “well” “we’ve been waiting a little long” “years” “a bunch” “Atlanta” “listen to what he says” “snakes” “what he’s trying to say”

I asked what signs have they gave me and its says "you know"

What are things you would want me to know? The reply was “you’ll know from the start” or maybe it says star, “dark” “likes bees” “give me a second” “now” “demon” “i’m a god” “lay down or laying down” “water” “get closer” “learn” “love” “we’ll talk about that later”

What element are they associated with and they only gave me a direction and they said North.

Other random statements

Starting the session “Good Afternoon” “it’s you” “what you got on” because ngl what I had on was pj’s and it looked badd, “have the way of life” Then I said that we’re going to be contacting throw the spirit box they replied with “here we go”.

More random statements

"Hi, question how do you know?" "put music on" "Leo" "envy" "2021" "get turns on earth" then I think it said "at night no questions" at least that's what it sounded like. (This is probably referring to one night that I was asking questions) Then proceeded to say "if you have to you have to" then it said "you are new" "that's so bad" "Hey bad girl" which I got so confused because idk if that was supposed to be humorist.

It would say random things like number 2, look at all the stuff because I had my spirit box, emt meter, tarot cards, pendulum board, “we find stuff” “who do you want” “the audience stays” “no right” “here” “ I don’t think it’s enough”

When I went to go get a lighter because I wanted to light a candle I couldn’t find it

“there” “I seen one” “there” “there is one” “faster” which i found it and it was right in front of my face.

First session and noticing I'm recording the conversation

“hold on” “i’m on the phone” “i’ll go through the phone” 

Thinking of my ex for a second during the session "Damn girl, are you thinking about a ex.

Last question I asked was do they get annoyed with me asking question it replied back with "a lot of response"

After my 2/4 sessions, a day after, my mom put a show on and something in my head was telling me to watch it. It was the show called Abigail the good witch. During as I was watching it there was certain words that caught my eye that kept repeating like "death" it even showed roses. Then at the end to were the credits is. It was a raven or a crow. At this point, I don't know if what i'm going through is spiritual psychosis or actually a deity around me. I need help and advice on what you think is happening and if it is a deity what deity would it be.

[projectbluearcadia]

It's OK, No One Died.

[ Obey Me! Season 1 Major Spoilers Reader Discretion Advised ]

Mammon: Lilith was alive!? When were ya plannin' on tellin' us that!?

Lucifer: I don't think now is the time...

Belphie: I want to hear more about this. Annelie was telling the truth? Lilith was really... 

Belphie's voice starts to break. 

Belphie: She really lived out a full life as a human? 

Lucifer: ...yes, she did. She married a man she loved, had children, grew old and died with her grandchildren. It's not as if she would have remembered any of us, but... I can tell you that she was happy. 

Beel starts to sob. 

Belphie: Why didn’t you say anything?

Lucifer: We weren’t permitted to contact her. I thought... it would be easier. 

Mammon grits his teeth but stays silent. 

Satan: Hasn’t Lilith been dead for centuries? 

Lucifer: ...

Satan: You do this every time! Every. Single. Time! With Belphie, with Annelie and now with Lilith?! Do you have any fucking idea how much that hurts?! How insulting that is?! 

Asmo: Satan... 

Diavolo: I hate to interrupt this... catharsis, but I still haven’t heard what happened here. 

No one speaks. 

Diavolo: I’d at least like a testimony. 

Belphie: I got pissed off. 

Lucifer: Belphie, you don’t—

Belphie: I got pissed off at someone talking bullshit about you. Tried to wave a cross at me saying I was the spawn of the devil or whatever when I confronted him, and I just snapped. Did I want to kill a few dozen humans, yeah. Was I planning on it, not really. I thought I’d just give them all a really scary dream. Annelie said her dreams were some of the worst things that happened to her when she was human, so I thought that would be more satisfying. 

Diavolo: Do you mean to tell me that no one here is dead?

Belphie turns his head towards Satan, who is still fuming at Lucifer. 

Belphie: What’s the body count, chief?

Satan: Fucking zero, but I want to make it one. 

Belphie: Zero and counting. 

Diavolo pauses for a very long moment, folding his arms. 

Diavolo: Am I correct in assuming that you no longer hold the desire to kill humans?

Belphie: I have to say the urge is considerably dulled and still waning since my own sister became one and was perfectly happy being taken care of by them, so yeah. 

Diavolo: Hmm... 

Diavolo closes his eyes and furrows his brows. 

Diavolo: I don’t think execution is a fitting punishment for you in that case. That being said, this incident needs to be closed up as much as possible before it reaches the Devildom, and Belphegor will be punished for a somewhat less severe crime. 

Lucifer stares at Diavolo in surprise. 

Lucifer: You’re... allowing this?

Diavolo: As much as you have to answer for... you’re a very dear friend, Lucifer. My duty to the Devildom may come first, but it isn’t that I want to hurt you. I know that executing your little brother would destroy you. 

Lucifer: ...so would killing Annelie. 

Diavolo: Come to think of it, she really was lying about the entire thing, wasn’t she?

Lucifer: ...

Diavolo: ...I’ll call Barbatos. 

Everyone watches as Diavolo gets out his D.D.D. and listens to the sound of the dial tone before Barbatos picks up. 

Barbatos: I suppose the fact that you’re calling me means that you figured out Ms. Glasgow was lying?

Diavolo groans. 

Diavolo: Not you too, Barbatos. 

Barbatos: I did not see fit to interrupt you. 

Diavolo: Well, I assume that means when I said “get her out of my sight”, you didn’t kill her. 

Barbatos: I didn’t, however...

Diavolo: ...?

Barbatos: I came to bring her something to soothe her nerves because it seemed as if she was on the brink of psychosis in her intense agitation, but when I arrived a few seconds ago, all I found was a broken cuff, the pile of covers she heaved on top of her head, and what appears to be some of her blood on the floor. 

Lucifer: ...

Diavolo: So we lost her?

Barbatos: I lost her, yes. My apologies. In case you return before I find her, please do be careful. I think the poor girl is reliving something frightening. 

Levi: Out of one crisis and right into the next...

Lucifer: It won’t be a crisis if I have anything to say about it. 

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hey, I'm looking for some advice and validation on a very messy situation.

I miss my best friend. Typing out everything that happened would take long but I'll try to give as much context as I can.

We have been best friends for 8 years. We were both "outcasts" and found each other. We both came out as queer, then later on as trans men around the same time. We both struggled with so many personal problems for a big portion of our friendship. I was impulsive, paranoid, had undiagnosed BPD. He was delusional/struggled with some forms of psychosis and strong attachments. He got unhealthily attached to me when I was the only close friend he had, invaded my privacy and went too far without realizing because he was always worried about me. I was lashing out and splitting on him because I didn't know how to deal with it. I unintentionally ignored him for periods of time to give myself space. We were both very dramatic people. Not everything was dark though, we have lots of memories together that I'd do anything to experience again, and he knew more personal things about me than anybody in my life and vice versa. The last straw was around exactly a year ago. Neither of us could take it anymore and we cut all contact after a nasty argument.

At first I blamed him but since I've had time to reflect on my own very bad behavior towards him. I realized I was equally responsible. We were both enabling each other's behavior the whole time which ruined everything. We were both unfair, I'd say even abusive to each other at times, unfortunately.

I wanted to reach out many times after time has passed but couldn't find the right moment. Then, a few days ago, I was sent a screenshot of him calling me really disgusting things. He called me a "groomer" because i had a situationship with somebody two years younger than me. (as a victim of actual grooming mysi felt sick reading that accusation). He said I made him starve myself, which I can disprove at any point with with messages where he admitted he did it because he was delusional about me thinking he was "fat" (I never cared about his physical appearance nor did I make comments about it, he was always naturally skinny anyway), he insulted some of my personal beliefs saying I don't actually "practice what I preach" (said without any basis).

I'm not sure where to go after this, I never spoke badly of him and when somebody asked about our falling out I always say we both had issues and cut things off for our own good, and yet he's insulting me a year later.

People who still talk to him have told me he's behaving very erratically, just like he did at the height of his psychosis which leads me to belive he said these things about me under some delusion.

Again, I'm not saying I was a good person through everything because I DID hurt him unintentionally just as much as he hurt me. I admit that and I'm trying to work on myself. We both messed up.

I do really miss him though, but I can tell he's not in the right state of mind to talk things out anytime soon.

Is there any point in even waiting for him to talk things out? Should i just let it go? Maybe things went too far to be fixed? I'm not sure how much the both of us would have to heal in order to have a healthy friendship ever again...

Hi anon,

It sounds like the best thing is to leave things be. Even if you did become friends again, the actual friendship may never be the same due to the resentment, trauma, and hurt of the friendship you used to have. Those arguments and misunderstandings might always remain at the back of both of your minds even if you did become friends again. There are people waiting to enter your life that you can foster deeper and healthier connections with, and eventually outweigh the bittersweet memories you shared with this person. Learning to move forward from this toxic friendship may be a grieving process, so please be patient with yourself as you navigate this transitional period of your life.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[simonalkenmayer]

I remember being in the thralls of a manic episode and stumbling onto your blog and genuinely believing there are monsters out to get me and even my parents I was scared of thinking they where monsters. I had severe mental illness issues that your blog managed to worsen by giving me something as “proof” that I wasn’t crazy.

I am now on several medications and they help me make rational decisions and realize that monsters like you are not real. Actually your blog inspired an essay contest I entered where I talked about the real origins of the uncanny valley and won a scholarship for it and everything.

You need to realize that this “experiment” of yours takes advantage of the vulnerability of the mentally ill and can worsen symptoms. I was lucky that I managed to get onto meds and stay on them. I am fucking lucky that I didn’t do anything to harm myself in that time thinking I was being chased by human eating immortal monsters.

Alas your book has the woman’s name of the person who wrote the book and Simon(e) is a pen name made up by you. But your blog even if you do make money off patron and different people, you are also doing real harm to people who are mentally ill or experiencing psychosis or manic episodes.

So while you are a talented writer you are causing more harm then you may know. While I know that this little anon ask will lead to literally nothing and you will not change because you enjoy the attention, you should know that you hurt people though this.

I’m sorry you believed something you saw on the internet and became upset over it, but clearly if not the idea of monsters existing, it would have been something else. The root cause of the dysfunction, however, only became visible because of it manifesting in such a way, which led to your treatment and success, because you tackled it rather than running. Well done. You’ve been very proactive. I realize you didn’t come to thank me, but to accuse me of harming you.

I apologize for harm you may have suffered because of my actions. I’m not sure you’ve correctly aimed your emotions, but reality is about perception, and I’m fine with apologizing for even being perceived as hostile or upsetting. I suppose you didn’t read the materials I provided. Might have helped a bit.

May you find continued success. Please look into how social tests are constructed. I think you’ll find that experimental models are very unusual. You’ll find that studies, especially of larger survey based studies rely on participants to dismiss themselves. That is why disclaimers exist.

If you have ethical concerns about my methods, you’d better not ever open my refrigerator.

For reference, belief and knowledge compete with one another. You believed because you didn’t know. It was a choice. You sought out knowledge you trust, right or wrong. You worked the problem. Now you have an answer, rather than to believe. I hope it changes your reality in some meaningful way. Please still be careful in the woods. There are actually things in there that can hurt you.

Monsters are real. They are out to get you. And they look just like you. It’s critical thinking that helps you cope and learn how to think your way out of it.

Congratulations on your scholarship. Please feel free to sue me for more college expenses in the future if you need them. I’d love to personally appear in court for that occasion.

Edit: addition: I have not and never shall make money off this experiment. It has cost me many thousands of dollars. I have yet to see a cent. And as you can see, the book has been free in every form but the one that costs money to make. My experiment has been over for more than a year. My patreon is merely audio forms of the book which were asked for, and me doing fun things. People pay for my time. That’s how an economy works.

[unknowinglydeceasedlol]

About Me

vent blog - yes, you can reblog anything and everything I post unless I specifically state otherwise :)

TLDR: 20, They/He Queer, Severally Mentally Ill

DNI: pro/ed pages (pro recovery is fine), racists, terfs, homophobes/ transphobes/ etc, anti-feminist, ableist, body shamers, fetishizers (anyone who glorifies any toxic behaviors, fetishizes mentally ill ppl in any way, people with savior complexes who think every mentally ill person needs “saving”; etc), anyone under 13 (these spaces aren’t spaces you should be in lol. i understand wanting people who can relate to you but it can be equally as damaging if you’re not careful. coming from a former 13 yo who was in spaces they shouldn’t be, take care of yourself)

Me

♡ 20

♡ Queer/ Gender-fluid

♡ They/He

♡ Demi-Sexual/Romantic

• heavy preference in women/ fem presenting people

Disorders

♡ BPD

♡ Anxiety

♡ Bipolar

♡ OCD

♡ EDs

• won’t elaborate/ talk about it

• anti “pro-ana/ ed”, “meanspo/thinspo”, etc pages

• pro-recovery pages are fine <3

♡ Autistic

♡ Psychosis

♡ ADHD

♡ Safe Space for anyone struggling. <3

Hey! I’ve decided to start a new tumblr :] I had one years ago and it kinda got big but people were taking things in ways that made me uncomfortable so I abandoned it. I’ll probably be using this to vent/ ramble/ get my thoughts out there so big TW for any topics mentioned above and more. Browse this page with your own discretion.

As you may be able to tell from the list above, I am pretty mentally fucked. It’s not the complete list of my disorders but probably the ones I’m most comfortable disclosing. I hope to provide a safe space where people can relate and find comfortable in. I know sometimes all you really need is to know people are out there with the same experience and being able to interact with them helps so I hope to be that person for some of you if possible <3 feel free to send me ask with questions or if you need some advice and I’ll try my best to give some advice when possible.

Comment “🖤” (if you’re an adult) or “🤍” (if you’re a minor) under any of my posts if you wanna be mutuals! (Please be honest about your age lol. I’m not asking for you to be specific but I’d rather know off the bat if my mutuals are minors or adults because there’s strict boundaries I have for different age groups.)

I’ll probably edit this in the future but just wanted to get something together quickly to pin <3

[nonbinaricorpse]

[TW FOR URBANSPOOK, ALONG WITH MENTIONS OF PSYCHOSIS!!!]

All right!

I wasn't expecting this to motivate me enough to actually post on my Tumblr again, considering that I haven't in years.

If anything, expect a lot of miscellaneous stuff including rambles, ideas and world building. For a bit I've just been reblogging stuff.

But now I want to talk about UrbanSpook.

I like to watch the video essays about analog horror but I'm not really deep in the community? I still like Local 58 and I hope that it uploads again one day, But a lot of the series I started to watch I quickly stopped and fell behind with each new upload.

For a bit, "The Painter" series was one that I actually kept up to date with.

I'm no longer subscribed to UrbanSpook, But surprisingly it isn't for the reason that you might think.

I deal with psychosis and as a result can often fall into delusions. Currently trying to find a medication that works, but as of right now the identity of the painter is one such attachment that I made, and why I had to abstain from the series. If anything, the controversy surrounding Corey, along with the creators behavior is what keeps me from delving back into any of their social medias or platforms. But it's because of the art and the morbid curiosity that I finally watched the most recent upload featuring camera footage of the two killers.

I'm no stranger to pushing it when it comes to what I can handle and what is safe for me, and I'm well aware that if this ends up being a bad move that I can just as quickly pull the plug and stop again.

Looking on the posts under the tag #urbanspook I'm definitely seeing two opposing sides. For all I know in discussing this I could be pissing a lot of people off.

But maybe it's not that serious, so let's get into the real meat and potatoes of why I decided to post something on this account again.

I want to try and rewrite the series. I want to be careful and make sure that I don't use any past visuals created by Slug themselves, but for the most part I'll just be spitting up some ideas. It would be nice to actually try and find a way to convert this into a series complete with twists and world building but I don't know if I would be excited enough about it to put that much effort and time in.

For this idea, anything related to it is going to fall under the new tag "RuralSlug". Basically a parallel to the initial analog horror story.

This does mean that I will have to rewatch the series as it stands so far, and better understand the inconsistencies and plot holes so that I can patch things up.

Things I want to address or rework, or remove:

-contradictions in location addresses etc

-The horse incident

-Corey

-The baby deaths

-the pets

-The involvement of the police force

-The fact that the painter knows the names of every single victim

-Who are the tapes made for, given their format?

And overall, I want to build more of a plot.

Please keep in mind that this isn't really organized, as I again, genuinely don't know if I'm going to actually piece things together and put out a cohesive story somewhere. However, if you've had your own ideas for a take on Urban's universe, you are more than welcome to use the tag for your own thoughts and musings.

[sephiroths-stuff]

So I was homeless multiple times as a person between age 19 and 23 I also when I did occasionally have a home I was constantly in danger of losing it due to situations of abuse. Just a disclaimer I'm using talk to text due to being disabled which was what caused the homelessness in part as well as bad parents. I already struggled with multiple mental health disorders including psychosis which was degenerative due to never receiving treatment when it first manifested very young due to me having precocious puberty. I already struggled with delusions and identity issues due to also having a personality disorder and due to my housing issue and the struggle of always being terrified of losing my home as well as having issues with identity and clinging on to whatever I could find that I could relate to whether it be in fiction or another people there was a point where I was scared I was going to lose my home where I was also very very into final fantasy and I also had had a seizure and a concussion recently so my head was already not the most on straight and I was couchsurfing and really struggling and I was in danger of losing the little I had and I was very isolated from others I didn't really have anyone in my life to support me and I literally developed a severe delusion I was Sephiroth. from final fantasy.

Keep in mind, I was one of the lucky ones. I still had a roof over my head at least for the time being I later on did become unhoused for awhile and I ended up in some dicey situations including the attempted murder that I'm currently trying to raise money for as I am in limbo at the moment and also couchsurfing again. But all this to say that dealing with isolation and the constant risk of either being completely unhoused or not knowing whether or not you're going to have a home it can literally drive you nuts having no one to rely on and no one that you can trust it can be really devastating. Even if you are completely mentally sound it doesn't take much to make someone just lose it. And God forbid you already have pre-existing mental health issues which is a problem with many homeless people because society is not made for people with mental health issues it's hard for us to get jobs jobs with their stupid little mental health games AKA personality assessments and interviews that are made to weed out those of us who have mental health conditions whether it be autism or personality disorders or anxiety etc etc. I could go on about this all day as someone who has a psych degree as well as struggles with a bevy of mental health issues as well as multiple physical health problems ranging from severe neuropathy to lumbar spine issues that affect my mobility profoundly.

Please think before you judge homeless people and if you are homeless I hope you are able to find peace love and shelter and people who care about you who can offer you the respect and kindness you deserve.

[thescorpionmonarch]

Belated Astro forecast. I was very sick.

Full moon in Scorpio on April 23rd. Planet Rulers of Scorpio in pisces (mars) and Aquarius (pluto). Ruler of pisces in it's own sign (neptune) and in taurus (jupiter). Ruler of aquarius in Pisces (saturn) and uranus (taurus). Jupiter and Uranus are still conjunct each other in taurus. Ruler of taurus in Aries.

This transit has an emphasis on mental health, psychology, shadow work, the occult, intimacy, and luck.

Mental health is often heavier or more erratic during a Scorpio moon transit. Temptation by unhealthy vices is sensitive right now. It helps to have someone holding you accountable or helping you resist toxic behaviors or vices. It can be hard to open up about them, but please do. Talk to your partner about your fears, your shadow. Keep it open and loving. If they aren't able to do that (especially those who are in long term relationships), you need to evaluate the relationships worth to you (unless it just started, be patient then). Mental health as a whole is important ti talk about, keep an open mind on, and to be constantly doing research. Mental health as well as what heals it is evolving. New methods to heal are evolving.

There's an increased interest in studying psychology as a whole. Abnormal psych and social psych are emphasized.

Due to recent events, I think it's important for the spiritual community to keep digging on psychosis from both a psychological and spiritual perspective and also practicing self awareness on their own struggles with it. Do share the knowledge you have learned. Do share your self reflections. Do share your own mental health knowledge. Every message put it out is not for everybody, but it is for somebody. There will always be overlap somewhere between you and another who could use your specific approach. The more diverse the messages, the more help available for more people in need of healing or lost on how to heal.

This also leads me to believe that new resources for mental health is being developed or coming to light so that more people can get access to them. Due to the Jupiter conjunct Uranus in taurus transit we have to be willing to seek out new resources or even unconventional resources. We have to be willing to be adaptable and open minded to get our due abundance.

I do think it's a sensitive time for relationships as a whole. How society approaches romance and intimacy is changing. It's opening up to more ways of being in a bond to keep a bond thriving. This includes couples sharing what they have learned that has worked for them. Instead of going "that's weird" perhaps see it as a mother way to have a bond that fits a person. We need to go within and acknowledge our differences in how we related is worth acknowledging and honoring and to not judge another's way of relating. If it's not for you, that's OK. You don't have to be with that person and no one should force you to be in a dynamic that doesn't suit you. You shouldn't for another to stay in that dynamic either.

Spiritual relationships are on the rise. There is an ever increasing need to find your soul tribe, but also a romantic love on a soul level that really evolves your own soul in a way that feels like "home".

We are also starting to evolve in our relationship with nature. Gardeningv evolving. Foraging is evolving. Farming is evolving. Animal care is evolving. Science around these topics are evolving. We are breaking down limitations and looking to new ideas. For every way there is a darker nature wanting to destroy and take abundance away, there is every way to get around them. We are becoming less trapped in limited abundance and giving the finger to energies wishing to disrespect boundaries and be vampiric.

"Couples that garden together, stay together"

Developing a shared passion with partners is on the rise. Gardening is a big one, but there is more in development.

There is an infinite number of ways to be healthy on this planet with ourselves and others. The more we share that info, the better for humanity. We have to do the work to use it and become wise with this new info.

#astrology #fullmoon

[oldtvandcomics]

Happy Queer Media Monday!

Today: Deadly Illusions (2021)

I’ve recommended so many good queer stories. For balance’s sake, here is a bad one.

(Official poster, picturing Mary and Grace)

Deadly Illusions is a psychological thriller movie on Netflix. It is about an author, who has made a fortune with her best-selling novels, and is now retired and living happily with her family. She refuses to write, because the kind of stories she creates mess with her brain and “turn her into a different person”. When her publisher gives her an offer she cannot refuse, she reluctantly agrees to a new book, and hires a nanny to take care of her children. She quickly develops a deep, sexual obsession with the young and pretty woman, to the point that she starts to doubt her own sanity. 

I am not at all a thriller fan, so I have no context to judge this movie. What I can say is that, 1) it falls into some very harmful tropes about the “scary” disorders psychosis, DID and schizophrenia (it is never specified which one we are talking about, there are symptoms that can belong to all three. Also, fiction does have a tendency to mix these together). It is using symptoms for horror value, without actually committing to showing the real underlying disorder(s). Also, there is a murderous alter, leaning into the “people with DID are dangerous” stereotype. 

And 2) according to this subreddit, there are quite a few people who consider this movie badly written. I do not disagree with them. I have also found a review by @femalegayzepod , saying pretty much the same thing.

So I’m going to make the conclusion that this is not a good movie. However, it IS gay, with a lot of sexuality in it. And fans of every genre deserve bad movies from time to time.

You can watch the trailer here.

Queer Media Monday is an action I started to talk about some important and/or interesting parts of our queer heritage, that people, especially young people who are only just beginning to discover the wealth of stories out there, should be aware of. Please feel free to join in on the fun and make your own posts about things you personally find important!

[recents]

i often think that when i go out in public im obviously and immediately a freak and everyone knows im mentally ill, but recent developments have caused me to begin wondering if it’s literally *just* the autistic involuntary vocalizing thoughts and daydreams with gestures thing (very visibly Talking To Yourself In Public) that has caused me so much trauma about this, or specifically having been policed, ostracized, unpersoned, or punished for that behavior so much. i usually dont notice im doing it until its too late, but im able to mask that some days, and people whove never seen me do this actually treat me like an adult and an equal— they dont talk down to me, they dont look scared or apprehensive or suspicious, they dont try to make me leave, they dont try to escape the situation as soon as possible.

it’s at the point where i actually pathologically cannot let anyone see me enter daydream mode voluntarily, including my partner. we have a one bedroom and if i’m going to enter daydream mode to brainstorm for a project or just to relax, i go in the other room and the door gets closed.

in my experience, with everyone ive ever met, everyone from bosses and teachers to therapists and doctors to the person checking me out at the convenience store, people whove never seen me talk to myself tend to treat me like a human and an equal, professionally, academically, and socially, but as soon as someone sees me talk to myself, i get unpersoned.

all i can really say is, for all i have been policed for my behavior, thank god i’m white or i could be dead for it. thank god i’m “high-functioning” and have a job and can take care of myself, which has allowed me to get out of situations that could have become dangerous. i find it really interesting that there are very specific narrow mentally ill/neurodivergent behaviors that even very compassionate people immediately target and start treating you like you might need crisis mental health care for, like loudly talking to yourself. hey hey i’m not in psychosis, i don’t even get psychosis, i’m just vocalizing my thoughts and vocally stimming, i can’t help it but i don’t need help i’m literally just trying to get groceries. i don’t need the mobile crisis unit; look i work at a bank and everything, see how hygienic i am, please put your phone away!

[onebadwinter]

buchananbarnes1991​:

__

Bucky makes sure to not nick Helmut’s skin as he manages down the beard for him. Shrugging at the comment. “They worry of what could happen if it gets lost in the mail. So, the safest option is just for me to pick it up myself.” Rolling his eyes with a chuckle. “Well, it’s not always around the same time. Sometimes I get the guy that doesn’t even care what it is, he just gives me what I need. He’s great. Then I get this younger gal who gives me a concerned look. She’s kinda newer, a little forgetful I think.”  He was kind of used to it, even though he found it annoying. “I’ve considered calling or emailing ahead. But.. I know it’s just a small part of my day every two to three weeks.” 

He does agree that it is a result of ignorance from strangers. Though, he had been reminded far too often of just how selfish people could be in the free world. Focusing on reshaping Helmut’s beard as he didn’t leave him completely bare faced, knowing the other did like to have a little bit of facial hair to toy with. Cleaning it up so that he didn’t look so unkept. “The medications just.. keep me sane at this point I suppose is one way to look at it.” offhandedly commenting as he did still make dark humored jokes about his psychosis. 

Clearing his throat at the question. “Well, aside from the fact that I no longer have a side in come from it. I know that it was a good thing to get finished. Part of my pardon requirements. It’s been completed. I guess now, I just get to find something else to fill my time with every other Thursday.” Commenting while he lightly tilts Helmut’s head up to work on the underside of the beard for him. “Maybe I’ll have to see if I can visit you more often.” Half murmuring with a small smile. 

.

Helmut shook his head at the paranoia of losing such a thing in the mail. It seemed silly to him how easily nations could fold over a drug and mental health crisis. But, he was of a villainous mind. So of course, he could also see the advantages in these things. Letting out a breath, he nodded “Well, women are simply this way, nurturing, that is. If you subscribe to certain ideologies.” Which he did, for the most part, a few of them anyway. Heike was in no way not free to do as she pleased. But as he was in the army, working with his kill squad, someone needed to take on nurturing Carl in his terribly long absences. Another regret he beat himself up over. In failing to protect his country, he had also failed to redeem these absences with his beloved son and wife.

“It is good, though, is it not? To have others still be concerned for strangers. We often forget how important this privilege is. Till it is no where to be found, when we need it the most.” And the world seemed to quite often need these people, now, more than ever. People who cared, even when they didn’t need to. Helmut sighed a little, continuing to listen to Bucky talk on. Turning his head once more toward the other after they made that next comment, he makes a face briefly “As they should, yes?” He turned his head away, considering it. But he wasn’t not much better off from the other, as he was forced to take medications just to be ‘manageable’ for the RAFT. Whatever the Warden had been planning lately, it was needing his cooperation, entirely. The warden had put in place many safe holds to make himself.

“Hm.” Tilting his head back he listened to Bucky go on “That would be lovely, James. Truly.” But the Warden wasn’t likely to let that go on for very long. If it even made it passed this day, it would be a surprise to him. Whatever the Warden was planning, it involved Bucky. Helmut had figured out that much. Staring for a moment, he got lost in his thoughts before swallowing thickly. His thoughts going into a no go zone, suddenly a jolt hit him, causing his body to jerk violently.

“I’m holding auditions for about ten other people who want to be in Thunderbolts. Come audition."