#feeling very not real atm.
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Staring at my computer screen all day making patterns I want to throw this thing out the window this feels so wrong and unnatural I can't believe I wanted to be a graphic designer all that time. I was born for paper and ink and paint and pencil and thread and board and glue and fabric.
#times like these i remember dropping out of uni was the best thing i ever did#aside from the fact that if i hadn't i would in all likelihood be dead.#trying to make some patterns for book covers and it genuinely feels so wrong#i used to do this all the time!#and i still make digital illustrations but idk this just feels so. clinical.#didn't have the energy to do any of my physical bookbinding or printing tasks today#so guess I'll stare at my computer screen until my brain goes numb to feel like I've accomplished a morsel of productivity#i think I'm just having a very weird time. i honestly should probably reach out to my therapist again.#brain not fun body not fun having bad time. somebody get me out of here.#feeling very not real atm.
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if this post gets like…5000 notes I’ll actually start writing scripts/making storyboards for videos I’ve had ideas about for months
additionally if this gets to 10000 (which I highly doubt it will) I’ll actually work on my abandoned stories, book ideas, and poetry
#Watch me not post this ever /j#Idk I’m loosing motivation and I may be but a humble student rn with no ability to make these videos real atm#But scripts and story boards are a start right?#If anyone cares I have a snippet for CJ’s You sound like Louis Burdett that I really want to do (3:09 - 4:20 roughly..)#And the entirety of Oblivion by grimes has been just sitting there…I wanna do it grrgggrrr#S.K thinks#If you’re reading this I finally grew a pair and decided I don’t want to be stuck anymore#Might schedule this for when I’m at practice so instead of thinking about how posting it is SCARY !!! I am sweating and dying !!!#Idk it feels wrong to post this when I’ve repeatedly given up very easily on my creative career as a whole multiple times#But I always end up NOT doing that so k have a bit of hope that if I get a bunch of people’s support and trust to get back on my feet again#That this time it’ll be different and I’ll stick to it. Even if I think it sucks. It’s my first time doing any of these things seriously#It’s not meant to be perfect…and plus if even one person likes it it’ll have been worth it
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I'm convinced the chorus trilogy gaslighted people into forgetting how everyone was characterized prior to miles being the main writer, to the detriment of literally everybody lmao
#rvb#red vs blue#mine#this is not to say miles is a bad writer#but rather he is only one of rvb's multiple writers and his writing style is very different from burnie's#so imo looking at characters solely through the lens of miles writing style is a disservice to them as while his recontextualization of som#characters works very well for others...not so much. miles' interpretation of some characters conflict with burnie's interpretation#and these conflicts result in two very different readings of the same character that are imo fundamentally different from one another#wash and sarge are two examples that immediately come to mind but I dont feel like diving into that atm#though I don't think sarge is as bad off as wash during chorus (s10 is wash's worst season) since he was already goofy af#but being regulated solely to comedic relief when his issues with not being considered a real soldier#in combination with the knowledge that he was once an odst would've been SO FUCKING COOL to explore on chorus#he would've been a way better foil to locus than wash#I hate the whole wash/locus foil thing in general though so I might just be biased lol
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loving and moving my body this week (15.04.-21.04.24)
Monday. ballet beautiful x train like an angel [30 mins]
Tuesday. Pilates & Yoga Inspired Flow [19 mins]
Wednesday. Gentle morning Pilates [15 mins]
Thursday. feel good full-body pilates for positive energy [30 mins]
Friday. yoga & stretching good morning routine [12 mins]
Saturday. feel good pilates [23 mins]
Sunday. twist shimmy belly dance workout [24 mins]
Exhale to splits: Day 26 [18 mins] // Day 27 [12 mins] // Day 28 [17 mins] // Day 29 [11 mins] // Day 30 [21 mins]
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This week marks a new beginning (new semester, new sports courses I'm excited to be taking) and an end - the exhale to splits series!! I'm extremely excited for both. Let's move, stretch, GROW this week!
In case the suggestion doesn't feel right for that day, here are some alternatives (12 minutes or less, can also be used as add-ons). No shame in taking it slow! Let's move according to our needs! :) nightime flexibility stretches // bedtime yoga stretch to release stress & tension // 8 min beginner's ballet flexibility. // 10 min | Beginner Belly Dance Workout | Slow & Smooth Tutorial // 15 min Gentle Pilates Workout For Beginners
#workout#I'm actually very scared of next week.#I don't want to write it in the text and give that feeling any more power#but I'm so scared. I have many sources of stress atm & this semester starting is one of them#so I tried to be as gentle as I could with myself here while still working in things that would bring joy & relief#again I don't want to write it in the 'real' text I'll see every day#so it can be our secret. I know I'm posting this at like 1am so I'm really speaking this into the void#but if you read it you're my confidante now and we can do it together. I believe in us <3
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july is over I can finally draw shadow again
Did my own take on some shatter shadows, I have some thoughts abt each of them, but please know that they all have Issues
Also these were very much inspired by @/son1c and their Sonic Prime AU so go check them out
#gemz artz#shadow the hedgehog#sth#sonic prime#sonic au#gemz ocz#<- technically#i have very loose thoughts#i have basic backstory but its mostly just vibes atm#i feel like an unintentional common theme here is not being a quote unquote real person#we got: robot alien and ghost#they all feel isolated from everyone else#have memory issues#and have no idea what their purpose in life (or death) is#someone get these hogs a therapist
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Still haven't processed that I was diagnosed with DID for a third time. Other people are out there struggling to get diagnosed and here I am, diagnosed three times and still can't believe it. (If my therapist would diagnose me too, maybe then I could believe it.)
#personal posts#dissociative identity disorder#actually did#trauma recovery#how many more times do I want to collect this diagnosis#when doing the skid-d i was very careful not ti exaggerate my symptoms but i still feel like i lied#my parts are so quiet atm#doesn't feel real 🤷🏻♂️
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aggressively searching for joy and love in every sad seeming crevice
#(this is a positive post)#feels like literally everything kinda sucks for literally everyone atm#but that doesn’t mean everything ever is awful there’s still joy to be had#and the fact that i can try to find that? i dunno it makes me feel proud of myself#sorry ive had a very introspective day very lost in my thoughts#but no today? kinda naff. but there’s good things too. it’s ok#ezra’s real life rambles
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what if my “dead” name became my name again it’s cute
#talks#egg…. tiresome. it’s ok……. lune/luney i like a lot and im keeping 4ever#my Real name…… repairing my relationship with it atm.#man i wrote so many poems about how much i hated my first name in school 😭#now i feel very different about it. fond even
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Using my brain like a metal detector to figure out what the FUCK it wants to do
#*shakes brain* what do you want??? food isnt working acnh isnt working weaving isnt working#im gonna fucking riot#im understimulated but just listening to a video feels OVERstimulating#i get bored & tired two minutes after starting a thing#but i want to do SOMETHING#i was in bed almost all day yesterday b/c i couldnt get myself to do anything else for more than. like. an hour at a time#or maybe less (it felt like less anyway)#i do NOT want to do that again#if my new meds dont do anything to help istg (im not gonna do anything im just gonna be upset)#depressions a bitch and i hate it!!!#im tired but i got a good amount of sleep the past few nights so its not from that??? i know its the Mental Illness but. still#i do NOT want to just take a NAP all DAY i want to DO things when im OFF from WORK#is this what it was like pre-meds??? b/c if so HOW#i legitimately dont remember#personal#jay rambles#mental health cw#depression cw#im. so fucking tired of this shit if the new meds do the thing where it makes things worse for the first few weeks#im still not gonna do anything im just gonna be upset about it. and there's a real chance i wont be able to work full hours#which i cant afford atm#i MADE SURE i had enough food for lung and i havent had half of it b/c i started and my brain went “mm no you're full actually”#(i very distinctly am NOT full. but now it has a bad Mouth Feel and im going insane)#(gonna try knitting next to see if that works)#food mention
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i know you are studying languages, how many do you speak/understand at like … i could get around here level fluency?
So, I've studied German, Russian, Latin and Japanese.
German is definitely my best, I started studying it probably about 8 years ago and have studied it for most of those years. I think it's just difficult to get fluent bcs it really depends on your teacher and environment. I think I could survive w it tho, I was pretty okay with it, and even improved, when I was in Austria and Germany. It's more of a confidence thing honestly. I think if I was there for more than a month, I'd definitely improve even more!
Russian is probably my second best, it's only been tho 2 years or so. I'm good at the basics, but I've not gotten any real world experience so :/ and my prof rn is so bad djkfkfl love her tho <3 I think I need to watch more Russian media like I do with German bcs that def helps. I think I'd be okay at getting around in a Russian speaking country, but mostly just basics.
I've forgotten most of my Japanese unfortunately ah :( but that was only like 2 years, and Latin is of course a dead language so there's not a lot of ways to apply it(but I'd like to get better with it)
#but my one major is german so i wanna improve w that the most :D#wanna study abroad more in Germany!!!!#unfortunately russian is not very feasible atm bcs of uhhh current events#theres other countries you can study at but its just a bit unfortunate atm#i think a lot of it is building your vocab and having more real world experience#<- and if not real world than watching media#i love foreign language content so its great#ugh but cant help but feel inferior every time i remember my main prof is a polyglot SKFKKFLG#catie.asks.
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x rambles in the tags about my art struggles, nothing new to see :0
#ive been having some real big art thoughts and feels about my art process - some good... some confusing#im more mentally organized today than i was last week...but its still really confusing and idk where im going from here :0#all i know is that 1) im going through a very very slow process of my art evolving + my process changing - since earlier this year#2) i have not let myself slow down and appreciate the art of creating like i used to - due to many factors: mainly fear of losing relevancy#3) and i feel that im taking my art too seriously for something that is suppose to be enjoyable & satisfying#4) also im influenced very easily but outside sources (which isnt technically good nor bad)#and thats it. thats all i have to report :3 lol#anyways. its a REAL CONFUSING art time for me rn but just sketching privately and not finishing my wips seem to be doing something good atm#sometimes i fear ill end up stuck in this frustrating period & that this is it from now on..but thats silly & this isnt my first rodeo :0
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Help.
#no camera. no fucks.#just fuck it all.#the hat was my uncle's#also just hate my.#. whole self atm#not for 'aw Alex don't hate yourself' comments not just#very much want a weekend to go away with some money and be somebody else#turns out real life is hard#and it feels like I'm the only one struggling and the shit im struggling about is so small
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Honestly would love to try writing again but I don't think I would post it anywhere.
#i actually think its because of my mutuals putting out banger fics lately i've been kinda getting the itch to try it myself#i actually wrote two small pieces on here ages ago (if you remember them you the real mvp) and they were like. fine ig#but idk i wanna try it again#if i did post it would be on tumblr only tbh#i have a very specific scenario for captain au i want to write out#captain au's ultimate goal is a comic but comics take too much time and energy and i don't have a lot of energy atm#but there's a scene in hatanaka's palace that i want to write out really badly#especially after playing royal again recently#it would be the scene where the thieves encounter hatanaka's cognition of riku#i think cognitive selves are a little underutilized in the game post the second palace so i kinda wanted to go a little crazy with it#but we'll see lol i have very little experience writing so idk how confident i'd be in posting it#idk why im making this post even lol ig i just feel like talking#this blog is in a sense my diary lmao#hope y'all are having a nice day anyway. its cold here.
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im going to detach from reality very soon i can feel it.
#and also my purpose my inner world my ART i can feel an art block coming on godddddddd#its not going to be as bad as it sounds but i do feel a bout of somethjng coming on. im feeling not very real atm#piksla.txt
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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
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i kept seeing funny clips of House, M.D. around and it kind of made me want to watch it but then i pulled it up on netflix and it's described as 'dark' and now i'm scared
#guys#do i watch it#i guess i could always try one episode#it's not as if i have the time atm to watch much of it anyway i'm busy until start of june#what genre of fucked up is this show is the real question#the only show or film that's ever bothered me is hannibal. so. i feel like. i'm probably fine#i normally can't do hospital scenes very well bc i hate hospitals#so i'm not sure why i expect to like this either akdhfksdjfksjdf
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