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To keep it humble, now lets look at one of my least favorites I drew for Funguary. I don't even think it's *bad* it's just that I don't like it. I was still trying new brushes, new styles, and It was just one of those days it isn't all coming together like you hope it will. It can be really discouraging when you find yourself in that position, but that's just how art is.
And, real talk? It makes looking back at my favorites even better. Because yeah I don't like this one and yeah I just wasnt able to execute the idea that was in my head to the standard I wanted, but it's not because i'm not capable and just a few images away in my Funguary folder is proof of that. Maybe sometimes I'm drawing like this, but it makes the times when I bust out the glowshroom even better.
This one cannot be bought on redbubble currently. If this somehow breaks containment and it turns out someone really wants this I'll be happy to put it up for you, but it didn't bring me joy, so it hasn't gone on the shelf yet.
#lofe draws#my art#lofe talks#mushroom#funguary#blue milk cap#failure pile#it's mean to call her a failure but thats the tag I want to use for posting the art I DON'T like#because I think it's important to show the ones you hate just as much as the ones you love#its all part of the game#Also my grandfather told me a long long long time ago to never throw away your art even if you don't think its good#because it IS growth and years later you're going to go back through it with new eyes and realize there were some redeeming qualities#and hey actually maybe you want to draw X like that again#and my grandfather was very right and I have never regretted keeping the art I hated because it is growth then and growth now#and there is no greater endorphin rush than seeing art I drew at 13 and thought was good then look like SHIT compared to what I draw now#13 year old me would have been so jealous and so proud I stuck around to get better#and 31 year old me is so in love with that kid who drew and drew and drew until one day I didn't hate everything I put out#queue 2 cue#original
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Curly not immediately punishing Jimmy for assaulting Anya is something I don’t think a lot of people are viewing in the complex context for Curly as the superior to both of them and closest confidante they had.
Like I am in no way saying he didn’t under react or fail Anya by not being harsh or direct with Jimmy but it really is the case that he really couldn’t. Imagine being stuck in such a confined space with very little areas to genuinely hold someone if they commit a crime. It’s not like this was an event that occurred before they departed or that they have easy communication with The Pony Express to ask for how to proceed when something like this arises. Not to mention, Jimmy’s relative power in relation to Anya as the co-pilot and second in command, he has the knowledge and access to do something to her had Curly directly punished him in this setting.
They were also Curly’s friends. It’s not just the case of him mediating something between his subordinates but people he is personally invested in don’t want to see spiral further in Anya’s case while also not wanting believe his friend go that bad in Jimmy’s actions. They were both suicidal and Curly putting Jimmy’s stability first is both out of bias but also the fact he’s aware at some level Jimmy is a danger to himself and others if not constantly placated. Combined with the fact he was in denial or just not piecing together what Anya said it’s hard to say what he buying time for and what he had treat as urgent. This isn’t even saying he doesn’t care about Anya but he’s not going jump to the worst conclusions about his friends even if part of him acknowledges the evidence saying so. It’s a complicated thing but he’s still human and needed to process it on top of trying to keep a ship that already took on a lot of water from further sinking, metaphorically.
I just personally think that while Curly failed Anya, it was a scenario where there wasn’t much he could do to the best thing by her safely and like Jimmy, we are underestimating what a good leader would do in a very fragile and tense situation like he was in. By the time he may have been ready and had a plan, things were much too late.
#like in my one Anya still respected Curly after he didn’t punish Jimmy so I assume he still respected her or reassured her he’d do something#it just was never enough because sadly Jimmy just needed to be removed from the ship and that’s not possible#cause no matter what Jimmy was going to do something stupid to fix it and Curly had to be thinking of a way to avoid that but also trying to#play the subjective role of friend and objective role of captain with two of the people he is currently closest with#not to mention how he’s a big picture guy and it’s not an excuse but those little detail and subtle behaviors are probably lost if the big#picture looks fine still and he admits he’d drive himself crazy trying to look for it#like weirdly Curlys character is only seen through the people he tried to protect and we judge him on his failures but we don’t get too much#on his insights directly as Jimmy is unreliable and he tries hard to be gentle with Anya#personal note is I don’t think Curly underplaying Anya’s trauma is a guy code protecting my bud thing but more a flaw in his personal#character in where he just wants everything and everyone to be ok in the end and taking responsibility that isn’t his to bare like he can’t#make up for what Jimmy did but he tried and that’s the problem really cause he’s just used to actually fixing it for him and it’s the case#this is the one thing he really couldn’t like I think he’s a good guy but he’s trapped in his and a bunch of other peoples worse moments#anya mouthwashing#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#mouthwashing curly#curly mouthwashing#mouthwashing anya#jimmy mouthwashing#captain curly#nurse Anya#mouthwashing spoilers#rape tw#suicide tw#also last thought is how he like also was being emotionally drained by Jimmy constantly like Anya and his relationship with Jimmy parallel#each other in such a way that both him and Anya warily follow the words of the others abuser because they fear the physical or emotional#repercussions if they don’t like her not being able to really tell curly what happened and then curly not being able to do the same and how#jimmy assaults and dehumanizes both when they are no longer a service to him like god they are more adjacent than Jimmy and Curly like Curly#messed up in a already messy pile Jimmy mad it into a dumpster fire in a landfill they are not the same
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RealAgeAU - First Night
We are back because i had a new idea and i really liked it :3 and I really wanted to type a KillerPOV drabble so here we are
So we are back with a new drabble! also @spotaus get over here :D also. *nervous laughter* I think these drabbles keep getting longer and longer. don't expect long drabbles each time please hehe... Some concepts are just shorter in what they need to do them justice and sometimes i get multiple ideas for the same scenerio and they get longer to fit it all.
First Drabble Prev Drabble over here Next Drabble
Look at these guys trying to parent their immortal child. Look they know the situation even if they are still getting used to the idea and all it implies
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Killer watches the farm house through the tree line with a frown. Cross stands next to him with his own frown "Think this was a bad idea? Maybe we can go to another place."
Killer thinks as he keeps staring at the door that Horror disappeared into "Maybe..." except they had been constantly universe hopping for the last four days. Never staying for longer than either a quick nap, meal or supply run.
A glance back to see Dust who stands with a very exhausted Nightmare.
Killer turns back to the house "Maybe for the better." even if they really need a night of rest and-
Dust huffs "Or you can just have trust in Horror's opinion and wait it out."
Killer turns back with a glare "I am being cautious!"
Dust doesn't even look at him "You are being an idiot. Crop is fine. He never sold Horror out to the Stars. He won't sell out Nightmare." Dust keeps looking at Nightmare who is very clearly on the path to fall asleep fully.
Killer glares but steps away from the treeline and marches over to Dust. He glares and takes Nightmare from his hold. Dust looks unimpressed but doesn't challenge him.
Nightmare grumbles but just turns around and holds unto him instead as Killer hugs him close. Killer can feel his soul getting a bit smushed between them but it feels nice. a pressure that reassures him that nightmare is there and alive and fine.
Ngihtmare is still so light and tiny and fits so perfectly and Killer honestly doens't want to let go.
There is a very good reason that Nightmare hardly has to walk himself as all four of them are more than happy to hold unto him.
Cross looks up "Horror is coming this way."
Killer turns to look in the right direction as Dust stands next to him with his hand in his pockets.
Horror joins them and looks between Dust and him. more pointedly at Nightmare before pointing back over his shoulder "We can stay for a bit." Then he stares at Killer "please just behave. Crop is nice."
Killer huffs as he hugs Nightmare tighter to him. Nightmare huffs as he looks at him annoyed but doesn't complain. Killer actually feels Nightmare hold unto him tighter as well. Clearly more anxious about this meeting than he wants to admit.
Killer coos and nuzzles the tiny skull "It is okay Nightlight, if anything happens we are out before they even have the chance to do anything." Nightmare ducks his skull and mumbles some words before nodding.
Cross pushes and pats his own clothes down. Trying to get some of the dirt and grime off "Okay. okay. good first impressions. We can do this." he straightens his spine and nods to Horror. Clearly giving up on being presentable.
Killer can admit the constant universe hopping hasn't been the best for their overall hygiene which was another deciding factor for even considering doing this.
Horror gives him another look and Killer grumbles "Fine fine! I won't start trouble." for now. unless that other sans tries anything to hurt or take their little nightlight.
Horror still holds his gaze for a moment longer before nodding and leading the group towards the house. Instead of knocking again he just pushes the door open and gives them a look "no shoes" he glances at Nightmare who still doesn't have fitting shoes and clearly gives up with having manners concerning their babybones.
Killer shrugs and easily kicks off his shoes by the door, Dust does the same while Cross puts his shoes neatly by the door. Horror removes his own shoes again and leads them in.
Killer holds Ngihtmare close and starts to hang back in the group, nearest the door but still able to keep a close socket on what is going on.
Steps on the stairs and a sans walks down. this one has green eye lights and looks up with a smile "Howdy! It is nice to meet you'll!" he nods to dust "Good to see you again Dust. How is the shoulder holding up?"
Dust shrugs and gives a thumbs up.
Crop nods and smiles at them "Anyway. Horror told me about... the situation." and it is obvious in his curius gaze who he is looking for.
Killer pulls Nightmare a bit closer to him but Horror shoots him a warning look and motions forwards.
Killer huffs but slowly walks closer. Making sure everything about him says not to even fucking try or there will be pain. Nightmare turns slowly to study the new skeleton.
Crop smile turns more nervous as Killer goes closer but his whole face lights up when he spots Nightmare. Killer is a bit torn on how to feel about that. Obviously it is the correct reaction, Nightmare is the most adorable little babybones. But this is their babybones and Killer feels possessive over him.
Crop smiles more gentle as he focusses on Nightmare "Hey there. I am Crop. Horror's friend. Nice to finally meet you."
Nightmare frowns and pushes closer to Killer. Still feeling a bit conflicted about being treated as a kid it seems. At least he isn't trying to deny he is a child anymore. Killer nuzzles the top of the tiny skull and Nightmare relaxes more in his hold.
Crop grins widely as he looks at Horror "Anyway. I was grabbing some stuff. I don't have a lot of children things but I do got some too small clothes for either my brother or me." He looks from skeleton to skeleton "I... think you all can use a moment to relax."
After which Crop points out the obivous living room and kitchen. He motions towards two doors to the side which he says are his own and his brother's room. Next he shows the door under the stairs that leads to a bathroom and he welcomes them to use it.
Dust frowns "anything apple scented? apples dont go over well with Ngihtmare."
Crop tilts his skull but clearly thinks it over "I don't think so... if you do find anything with apples you can just leave it in my room, I ask you not to throw it away because somethings are harder to get than others."
Dust nods and takes Nightmare out of Killer's arms again and Killer can't help but watch closely as Dust easily gains a secure hold on Nightmare and Nightmare gets comfortbale with practised ease.
Dust nods to them "I am going to wash us." and he goes towards the bathroom.
Crop frowns "I am afraid i don't have enough toothbrushes for all of you. Maybe I got some somewhere but i wouldn't know where."
Dust shrugs as he raises his own bag "Has some necesserities." and he disappears inside.
Crop nods before looking at the them "I can show you the spot I had in mind for you guys. It is the attic and I apologise for the mess but I am sure it can be quickly changed to fit you."
Horror nods and Cross smiles "Thank you so much. Sorry for springing this on you..."
Crop waves it off "It is better than Horror just showing up with a stranger who had a hlaf severed shoulder."
Killer and Cross both blink and slowly turn to Horror. Horrro just looks sheepish "The crystal wasn't charged and Dust had been the one injured. This was as far as I could get..."
Killer blinks, okay that explains why Horror had trusted this place and this person.
Even so as Crop starts to lead them up the set of stairs Killer shares a look with Cross and nods towards the bathroom holding Dust and Nightmare. Cross follows his gaze before nodding and easily going to stand guard by the door.
Perfect. that way if anyone tries anything there is Cross to stop them as Dust can get Nightmare away safely. Killer quickly goes after Horror and Crop.
The attic is full of old boxes. But also an old closet, a large lounge chair by the round window and a nice queen sized bed. It is bare at the moment but Crop walks over with some new sheets and blankets and puts them on the bed. After it he quickly goes to the window and opens it to let the room breathe.
Crop turns around and smiles "Well, this is the attic. obviously a bit of a mess but we can probably move all the boxes and old stuff towards that area" he points to the side "Which will open up the space for you five to use." he looks sheepish "my house isn't exactly made to hosue this many people so it isn't a long term solution but this should work for a little while for you guys."
Horror nods as he starts moving stuff around "Thank you again Crop. This means a lot."
Killer gets to work with putting the bedding on the bed and getting ti ready. He doesn't care to much about bedding himself but Nightmare can't handle the cold that well and he deserves every bit of comfort they can get him.
Crop smiles "no worries! I am happy i can help." he starts helping moving the tinier things around as Hroror does most of the heavy lifting "I can go into town aftr chores tomorrow to see what I other people in town have that we cna use. I will also call my brother after you guys are set up to tell him of the situation." he stops and shoots them a look "I already told Horror but I am going to need somekind of story to tell others around here. THe multiverse isn't a known thing and I honestly don't want to get involved with that too much." and he waits.
Horror and him share a look before they look back at Crop "We will... figure somethign out..."
Killer nods "We will have to talk with the others. see what we can say and get a general idea." Killer figures they can sell it as being one of their babybones having been stolen six years ago. Probably either Dust or Cross as both have purple magic and would fit genetic wise. Can probably fit somekind of abusive ex in there that would explain Nightmare's nervous and scared reactions.
He will offer it as an explanation to the others later.
Crop nods "I will for now just say some friends came by with a babybones and you guys aren't willing to tell me exactly what happened yet. Should buy us more time but also enable to get someone to come to make sure he is okay."
Cold dread and Killer growls "What the hell are you talking about?!"
Crop blinks "A healer? Horror said that there was magic at play that caused him to become an adult before and now a child again. I can only imagine what kind of strain and restriction that places on a child's magic and soul."
A new dread. a fear he hadn't considered.
Did the magical protection harm Nightmare's own magic?!
Horror nods "And a healer would be able to make sure he is okay?"
Crop relaxes and smiles "hopefully. But for that I am going to have to need somekind of explanation or they will worry any damage or wounds have been newly inflected." and he shoots them a look "Which... could cause trouble with the family situation you guys have established at the moment."
Hroror frowns and Killer knows they both know what Crop implied. If someone thinks they are actively abusing him they will try to take Nightmare away from them for his own safety. The fact they all have love and aren't the most... friendly looking monsters will work against them.
Crop finishes putting some spare clothes in the closet "Again, I can buy some time with vague answers but from there on the explanation is up to you four." he looks around the room "This good for now? Sorry there isn't anymore space but Papyrus will come back soon and need his own room."
Horror thanks him again and says it will work just fine. Crop welcomes them to use the shower and bathroom as much as they want and that his kitchen is open for them to use whenever.
After that is is mostly a blurr. They finish getting the attic ready for them and Killer takes his turn to shower after Dust as Horror and crop work together on some quick dinner for them all.
The meal itself is mostly silent as Horror tries to coax Nightmare into eating. Nightmare still has the bad habit of eating too little or not eating at all when he is nervous or anxious, which is often.
Killer is still not a fan of how Crop seem to stare mystified and in awe at Nightmare. completely enchanted by the sight of the small babybones.
soon dinner is ready and Killer gets ready for bed quickly as Dust takes over most of the duties to get Nightmare ready, having had the most practise up to this point.
Killer just lays in the bed waiting when Dust comes by to drop Nightmare off with him "get him comfortable." and Dust leaves to get ready for bed himself.
Killer immediantly hugs the tiny form close and purrs "busy day today."
Nightmare hums sleepily nad give shim the stink eye but Killer grins as he pokes one of the little cheeks. Nightmare grumbles as he pushes at the hand poking him "Killer..."
Killer chuckles as he hugs the other close "Tiny grumpy nugget." Killer laughs as he sees Nightmare's little skull explode with a purple blush as he pushes at him.
"Killer stop that" it is more of a whine than a real demand and Killer nuzzles the skull with a purr. Killer can admit it is amazing to just lay in a bed. feeling clena and having a Nightmare near while content, full of food, and clean. only thing better would have been to have him wrapped up in a warm blanket directly after a very warm bed. but Killer only had that happen once before.
For now he just holds the tiny being near and relaxes when his own soul is right next to the comfortable babybones.
Honestly? All of this was worth it to have Nightmare clean, well fed and ready to sleep in an actual bed. Killer will admit to himself that the others were right with them having to find a place to settle, at least for a short while.
By the time that Dust returns and joins him Nightmare is already sound asleep and Killer is close to going to sleep himself. He falls asleep before either Cross and Horror join them.
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Cross finally finished cleaning up himself and feels so many times better. Cross can admit he has problems with being dirty and is a neat-freak as Killer likes to call it. Cross doesnt mind it much because despite his teasing Killer also makes sure they go to places and by places where Cross can get the time to clean himself up.
Cross was a bit unsure about this plan at first but with the absolute faith both Horror and Dust had shown in the plan it had been a quick decision to trust them on this.
and they had been right!
The sans, crop, had been nice and helpful and immediantly saw Nightmare as the child he was. Which honestly is amazing and the only correct answer in Cross's mind. He also apologised for only having one bed available to them but Horror had just shrugged and siad it wouldn't be the first time they slept in a pile. Crop had been confused but didn't demand an explanation. Which is good because Cross doubts any of them have an explanation for why they all feel so comfortable with eahc other and will gravitate to lay together.
The fresh ingredients and meal made with it had also been welcome and even needed by how clearly all of them had needed a calm evening. Seeing the others relax had been a welcome sight and Cross takes all their dirty clothes to the washer.
Cross takes time to put their things in the washer and turning it on the right cycle. They will probably have some clothes dye mix-ups but Cross isn't going to seperate it into three different loads and hog the washer and run up the electric AND water bill just to run three tiny washes when it fits in one.
Cross nods to himself as the washer gets to work and makes his way up the stairs, hearing Horror move around in the kitchen. No doubt cleaning up and preparing some food for tomorrow in advance. Cross walks up the set of stairs with a certain excitement, he hadn't seen the attic yet as Horror and Killer took care of getting their things up there and getting them all installed while Cross helped Dust with Nightmare.
Cross feels the clothes he is wearing. it is just old cotton t-shirt and old sweats but Cross feels so much better. Just the idea of not sleepign in his everyday clothes will be so nice!
He opens the door and moves silently into the dark room. THe window is still open to let in the fresh summer air and Cross sight finds the three sleeping in the bed.
Cross walks over and smiles as he sees Dust, Killer and Nightmare all sound asleep. Nightmare is held captive in Killer's arms but lays with his skull right against Dust's own skull. Dust lays mostly hidden under the blanket wiht Nightmare and Cross is pretty sure that Dust is rolled up around nightmare as much as he physically can with Killer being where he is.
Killer has two arms tightly around Nightmare but his skull lays higher on the pillow than Dust, making it seem both are slotted together.
The three of them hardly take up a third of the room on the bed like this but Cross can't get himself to lay in it just yet. Not with the sudden turbulance in his soul. He quickly, but silently, leaves the room and rushes out of the house.
He stands on the porch panting and shaking. What are they doing? They are going to mess this up beyond believe and-
A hand on his shoulder. Horror leans with his back against the fench and stares at him "What is wrong?"
Cross chuckles and lays his skull on the wood of the porch fench. It is cool in the night air "We are messing everythign up."
Horror tilts his skull "I mean. I think we have been doing alright."
Cross laughs as he holds his skull "alright?! We have been dragging a babybones through different universes and dimensions for the last two months, you know, after abandoning him for a month?!" How is that okay?! This is the first time that Cross saw Nightmare completely clean, fed and comfortable in a fucking bed. Three. Months!
Horror doesn't disagree with him and just rubs his back.
Silence around them and Cross groans "What are we going to do?"
Horror shrugs "Same as before? figure it out step by step and try to do right."
Cross pulls his skull away from the wood and looks at him "We couldn't even feed him regularly. we had no place to stay. We were homeless Horror."
Horror nods "And we will have to figure out a plan for that now."
Cross feels himself shake as the anxiety returns "How?! We have no money. we have no papers or passports. we have no plan. nothing!"
Horror gives him a calm look "We got a place to stay right now to figure it out."
Cross groans as he rubs his face "Great. just taking stuff."
hroror shrugs "We can help Crop on his farm as thanks." he shoots him a look "It wasn't like it was that different wiht Nightmare before. we did somework for him and in trade could live there and get things." he raises a brow "If it makes it easier. See it as a temporary job with included housing."
Cross blinks as he considers that. it... sounds better than just getting things and owning someone for a lot of things. he gives a slow nod.
Horror nods as he continues "As for the other things. we are still... figuring stuff out. We ar e new to all of this and didn't exactly have places to stay when we started this whole thing. I think we did okay." he shrugs and nudges him back inside "lets sleep. You are tired and it is making you anxious. Tomorrow we can talk with Crop about how this will all work and go from there."
Cross is unsure before nodding and following Horror back inside. Horror locks the door behind him before going upstairs. They get to the bed and Horror gets comfortable with practised ease and Cross follows his lead. a bit of rearranging and Cross feels himself relax as he lays near his... friends? colleagues? fellow co-parents? Cross doesn't think about it much longer.
Killer had once compared them to cats for their habit of laying on and enar one another and Cross can't help but agree. it helps to hear them and feel them close as Cross tries to sleep in an unfamiliar place.
He drifts off rather quickly as exhaustion makes itself known.
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First Drabble Prev Drabble over here Next Drabble
And there we have the drabble on how their first night/day went when they started to stay with Crop!
I think they did okay :D
#utmv#realageau#nightmare sans#bad sanses#horror sans#cross sans#dust sans#killer sans#farm sans#drabble#deaged nightmare#We are back at it again!#I got this idea in my head and I could not let it rest#also#the gang sleeps like a pile of cats and you can not let me give up this headcanon#and they are actually getting comfortable and try to take care of themselves!#They are strugglign but trying!#poor cross is a bit anxious though#as he feels like he is failing at this and so feels like a failure#luckily the others are used to this and know how to handle it#You notice how this AU has me in a deadgrip? (:#I will never escape it#I mean probably once i get bored of it but i like it so :D#also yes#I read all the reblog tags and they often make me smile and laugh#let me know your own silly thoughts nad ideas people!!
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Stephen Pile, The return of the heroic failures (1989)
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Y'know I'm pretty sure obsessively thinking about a lego cartoon all day every day for over a decade to the point that it's a key part of your entire personality and one of the first things people know about you is just. Not a very allistic thing to do. Y'know? You understand me?
#mom it's been a DECADE#a DECADE of me doing this#but noooo I can't be autistic because I'm not exactly like my cousins or whatever she thinks autism has to look like 🙄#and I HAVE other traits!! I do!! but those are written off as just annoying habits or personal failures on my part!!#she KNOWS how much I like this show. she's been THERE for my incessant ramblings and half-baked theories#she's been THERE for my piles and piles of fanart that all started with a silly doodle of Lloyd#she's SEEN me turn everything intonan excuse to talk about Ninjago!! it's a running joke with people who know me!! it's a whole thing!!#it's one of my defining traits!!!!!#fuckin hell man!!#sorry for the rant on main lol#autism#autistic#ninjago
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identity: none
#dislyte#dislyte fanart#lian#dislyte lian#fanart#do u see my vision#ur own corpses piled at your back...ur own failures.....
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god... work is such a shitshow rn. my company is failing everyone (status quo) and I'm playing the role of atlas (status quo), and what I NEED to do is not give a fuck when they come yelling screaming at me for not doing enough.
the problem is that I fucking care!! i care too goddamned much!! i care that people are getting screwed over and i care that half our shit doesn't work and i care that i've been stuck on a single project for so goddamned long and barely inching along in terms of progress!!! they're going to demand receipts for why I haven't done more, and the simple answer is my adhd!! but when every meeting is my boss trying to wring new excuses or progress reports out of us instead of actually giving a shit about what we do here or why anyone's struggling...
my head hurts. the right thing to do, genuinely, is to tell my boss to shove it up his ass. his company didn't want to hire someone with actual time and talent to play manager, then don't come complaining to me when our whole shop is mismanaged. (that's YOUR job, bucko!!!!!)
but i just care too goddamned much. and when the truth is that the One thing i'm sensitive about is whether or not I can fight my body and mind hard enough to actually get things in my life done...
...this week is going to suck.
#uuggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh#the One thing i struggle the most with is just. getting shit done. getting Anything done.#not just work shit. life shit. basic shit. anything.#i have a life that by all means should be a goddamned dream come true#but then i take one look at how little i accomplish and how much faster things pile up than i can tackle them#it all sounds so stupid and basic when i write it all out like this#but that doesn't change how much it hurts me to my fucking core#I HAVE SO MUCH IN MY LIFE I WANT TO FUCKING DO#why do i have to be stuck screaming internally at the sight of me failing to keep pace with basic human adult necessities#i dont usually ventpost#i fucked over my instinct to be open and vulnerable a while ago andjust gsusyehrisysgduysshyd#simmering raging pacing back and forth#can't wait to have all my failures thrown in my face as if they don't keep me up at night#wish i could offer myself even a tenth of the kindness that seems to wellspring out of me to provide for others#idk. idk. idk. idk.#pacing and muttering and pacing and muttering and rubbing my temples and catastrophizing about the future
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sooo the job guy who said he would write me a mail by tuesday? hasnt done that. and its thursday evening lol. the girl from my class got the job (it was an offer for 3 ppl so i could technically still get it) and she said she got a phone call yesterday where he said that he'd mail her the documents today (he hasnt).
he told me the document thing already right after the interview (while he told her he would be writing her either way, so he'd also let her know if she didnt get it) aaannnddd idk that kinda sounds like he was pretty sure that i would get the job bc he already told me abt the whole legal procedure that i had to do and didnt even speak of the possibility of me not getting it. idk. at this point i'm just annoyed, not even bc i probably wont get the job after all but just bc i want to know for sure so i can stop carrying my damn phone wherever i go waiting for him to call UGHHHH
#ive been in hardcore panic mode since tuesday#i want closure lmao#i just dont like unreliability#oh also this (likely) failure will probably add nicely onto the pile of things to be depressed about in the future#and what makes me also mad is that 95% of the time i fuck things up is bc of the extreme physical symptoms of my#anxiety disorder like try to fucking think straight when your body is like YOU ARE GONNA DIE OMGG HERE COMES DEATH#the whole entire time#panic makes u dumb af#personal
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Unfortunately I've done nothing but scribble Lisa the hopeful fanart, forgive me .
#fex thoughts#I'm burnt out as fuck#this game is the only thing between me and decomposing into a pile of FUNGI!!!!#like i dont think ive felt this shitty in . a while .#back at the fucking building again bro#fear of failure + loneliness + extreme anxiety is a terrible combination that has practically plagued me since i started speaking#so im not exactly surprised its back?? but that doesnt make it any less shitty#sorry for the vent . ive been bottling this up . nobody looks at these text posts anyways so :heart emoji:#i can be as much of a mope as i want#okay back to rotating this mohawked loser in my brain at unreasonable speeds
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Heya! Hope you’re doing okay ❤️
well, i didn't cry today (and more importantly didn't cry at work in front of everybody) so I'm taking that as a sign that things are getting better...I hope 😅
#suuuuuuuuuuper awkward moment when i just started crying yesterday as one of my employees came up to me#(not one of the ones who went to HR)#and she was like 'uhm are you okay' and then i just told her to ask me what she needed to ask me lmao#god i'm just so embarassed that i cried so much this week#esp cause like. i hope it's not some sort of idk defense mechanism?#like did i just start busting out crying cause oh no my boss found out i'm not doing my job so i'm just gonna cry so she doesn't yell at me#or something like that and then keep crying to garner pity#cause that's certainly not my intention at all#i know i fucked up. badly. i'm not donig the job i SHOULD be doing#and was focusing on things i shouldn't focus on...especially like having my techs do their actual jobs#but that's my fault for not laying down the law#for not training them right in the first place for not giving them the proper expectations of what their job entails#but then they're crying that they're overwhelmed which hurts to hear when i see them disappearing just to come back with a cup of coffee#or talking to people across the building when there's no reason for them to be up there#or sitting on their phones while things pile up to be done#and then like my boss is now jumping in and is going to meet with them next week#and inserting herself and two of my other co-workers into the picture to help#which like yeah i need help. a lot of help. but they all have their own jobs#hell there's things my boss does really i should probably be doing#so knowing all of that and again just feeling like a failure at my job makes me feel even worse#like i'm not carrying my weight for the team--i've honestly never felt i have since i became supervisor#i don't think i'm meeting the expectations as a supervisor#as a tech? yeah i was a BEAST and maybe should have never applied for the supervisor job#and i even already told my boss long term career? def not in management for me lol and if i can get out of the supervisor job i will#but i would still want to stay with my boss and co-workers cause we're all trauam bondeded at this point from this workplace#but hey if the worst thing that comes out of this crisis is me getting fired for not doing my job maybe it'll be for the best#..........that's not making me feel any better though
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... another one in the scrap pile... rip...
... anyway let's move on the the next art piece :3
(watch as this goes into the scrap pile too)
#greglow speak#greglow stuff#y does this look so bad...#unless it's my dumb brain acting up again... rebembering the prev failure...#either way into the scrap pile it goes...
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Random thought of the week: I used to be very adamant with the stance of ‘Jack has three (3) dads’ in regards to the whole ‘who are really Jack’s dads’ fandom debate … but the further we get from the end of the series, the more i’ve come around to ‘Castiel was the only one that actually acted like a father towards jack, and Sam and Dean were only ever depicted as older brothers at best.” This doesn’t mean they loved Jack any less, it just means that, for all the lip service the show paid to Jack having ‘three dads,’ the narrative failed, imo, to actually depict that in a satisfying way. Not even the ‘Jack is the destiel coded lovechild’ really does it for me anymore, because really, truly, did Dean treat Jack like he did Ben? Again, don’t skew try is as Dean hate, Dean loved Jack (although the s15 end of their arc was a fucking flop imo), I just don’t see their interactions as father and son anymore, not the way we see it in Jack and Cas’s interactions.
#I don’t have a long detailed comparison list to add#this is just something I’ve randomly thought about over the last few days#kinda like the farther we got from carver era#the more I could see ita failures#although I’ve always thought that the show absolutely failed to end the Dean and Jack tension in a satisfying way#that can go in the Chuck won theory pile though
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I thought, “I want to die. I want to die more than ever before. There’s no chance now of a recovery. No matter what sort of thing I do, no matter what I do, it’s sure to be a failure, just a final coating applied to my shame. That dream of going on bicycles to see a waterfall framed in summer leaves—it was not for the likes of me. All that can happen now is that one foul, humiliating sin will be piled on another, and my sufferings will become only the more acute. I want to die. I must die. Living itself is the source of sin.
Osamu Dazai
#Osamu Dazai#Dreams#Failure#Suffering#Chance#Summer#bicycle#coat#die#doing#dream#final#frame#going#happening#leave#likeness#living#matter#pile#recovery#shame#sin#sort#source#thing#thought#want#waterfall#quotes
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why is killing vultures so much easier as spearmaster
#my posts#gameblogging#liveblogging rain world#i tried it on a survivor run where i was playing as riv and struggling to get past the white lizards on the wall#but i gave up because it just didn't work#but now on a spearmaster run i accidentally killed two during a shelter failure#then a king vulture came and i killed him too but forgot to get his mask#so i camped the chimney shelter next to the sky islands gate#piled up like 10 spears waited for one to show up and then had a meal :)#i guess it might be bc riv's movement is so slippery they're not built for combat#and spearmaster's higher throwing skill is very noticeable and very helpful#he does do .25 more damage which i guess matters when a king vulture has like 10 health#having hunter stats might also be why i'm much more confident in combat as artificer#it's very interesting tbh like as those two im not afraid of anything apart from like scavs and miros vultures n stuff like that#but with everyone else i just run away#even with gourmand i think twice before engaging in combat
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every time i get particularly weird about a character I write Haven unmaking them as a person and I feel like it's almost impressive that Motormaster made it this far without getting put in the naughty robot ego-death machine
#red rambles#not any more though. im writing it now#he's having such a miserable time. so is everyone else. haven's having fun though#he's enlisted the other stunticons and they are all very conflicted about this even though haven ekeeps explaining that it's CONSTRUCTIVE#emotional torture and CONSTRUCTIVE agony and misery and CONSTRUCTIVE dehumanization and therefore Different#mostly they're just going along with it because they get to be the ones on top of the pile for once#but none of them are as comfortable being a pincer or a blade as they want to believe they are#and it's not so fun to be wielded no matter who's doing it#i can't see them not all making a break for it eventually#it's fun. i should revisit the one where i had haven start in on onslaught and have onslaught successfully talk himself into a partnership#position also#and the one where haven established that tarn was an embarrassing failure and like a shitty version of himself before killing him. that was#really fucking funny if i remember right but i havent seen it in AGES and i have no idea where i saved it
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i am for real not meeting my new year's resolution
#personal#i wanted to finish book 1 of deathbringers =(#i might've tbh if i hadn't had surgery. but that threw off legitimately my entire year#augh. it's fine but it's not it kind of feels like another failure to add to the pile#i'll be normal abt it tho (maybe)
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