#everything they said I took to heart
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Someone I once called my friend really stuck 10 knives into my back. I really must have not meant much to them if i was that easy to discard.
#everything they said I took to heart#according to them I fail to recognize and utilize my support system#that system being my family#the people I have felt emotionally unsafe with my whole life#they can provide financial support#but that’s about it#that’s like going to the orthodontist for a new set of glasses#he knows how difficult family dynamics can be#why couldn’t he recognize that despite appearances things aren’t always what they seem#maybe it’s cuz I tried to highlight the positives of my family and didn’t want to tarnish his perception of them#I don’t like talking about the difficulties I’ve had cuz I can tell they’re all trying to be better#but the effects of childhood are ever lasting#I can’t just forget that and suddenly feel safe with them#I just feel like a huge burden on them#I wonder how many knives my former friend perceives I stabbed into him#I hope he’s not expecting me to try and reach out again cuz im not#his last statement seemed done solid and set in stone#just can’t believe it was that easy for him to say that#confirming all my fears in one swoop#how can I believe I’m being irrational when it turns out that I was right#did I somehow self sabotage this to always be my truth?!#am I the only one at fault here???
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Every Boromir hater makes my enormous love for him grow stronger. Sorry you couldn't understand him, I get him tho and we're holding hands and the whole of Gondor is laughing at you
#lotr#boromir#tbh i think id actually have a good time chatting w a boromir hater if they knew and understood the material but still hated him#cuz most people who dislike this man do because of very shallow reasons#'he was upset looking down at narsil' one can only wonder why that has baggage for a gondorian and the stewards son#'he didnt accept aragorn at first' yea i bet when a dirty ass ranger claims the throne of a kingdom without having lived there#when your fam took care of it for several generations it doesnt feel super great and you Might be a bit upset and worried about it#'he tried to take the ring from frodo' despite disagreeing w the councils decision he still earnestly followed them to destroy the ring#and he only fell after weeks of traveling as the ring whispered to him threats of destruction#one that unlike the rest of the fellowship was already Actively happening and had been happening for a long time#you see ur cities fall and people die everyday as the 1st line of defense against ultimate evil and we tell you not to use a perfect weapon#while said weapon tells you yes it will fix everything just grab it go on boy#and echoes words your father has been pushing onto you all throughout#it feels like people just have no sympathy compassion or understanding for all he's gone through or for the power of the ring#deep breath. im ok#im normal about boromir and my heart doesnt shatter at every rewatch of his death#id have followed you my steward.
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Aaand he got hurt again 💔. The usual.
(a follow-up to this)
#as a wise man once said Dream's life is one big downhill walk.#also another wise man looked over my shoulder and said that this Dream looks like a blatant shoe advertisement#🔫👨🚀 always has been#i can't help it#(also I had the idea to make this post right after the dressing up one to crush everyone's hearts alongside with Dream's#but people*cough* (magnusbae) got excited for what's going on in the chest department so we took a slight detour#but in the spirit of everything is going to hell recently... this seems to be a fitting post to make x'D#dream of the endless#the sandman#morpheus#not yet dreamling#:' (((#mayhem art
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love thinking kipperlilly spends her afterlife looking for lucy in a familiar forest
#not art#fhjy#fhjy spoilers#like. does she have a mean of knowing lucy and yolanda got sent to cassandra's domain to hang out for a bit#kipperlilly's isolation means so much to me. she is punished for everything she's done she just doesn't pick up on it#until the moment she dies! one more funky thing that mirrors riz in which he's actively tried to cultivate a community and denied it#until the bad kids. while kipperlilly does not want or care about a community she just wants someone who validates her#but she does Need a community so she latches onto the person she lets closer to her to fulfill her emotional needs#she took the ritual willingly so this might genuinely be her first death. probably terrifying#probably not even enough bandwidth to feel mortified. maybe immediately seeking something comforting out of instinct alone#lmao honestly thinking too much abt fantasy high afterlifes gives me a headache And a visceral fear#Im not religious but I grew up in a culture with a dominantly buddhist/taoist cosmology its Scary that u just go to A Place after u die!!#and then ur still urself!!! thats scary to me what do u mean u stay like that forever. thats fucked#but yeah I think this influences how I see kipperlilly turn out a little bit. in a sense I think of her as being a ghost now#yknow. trying to solve something from life so she can move on and. stop living this life etc#man the reveal that lucy took being killed pretty seriously and is like yeah the others are decent and even sweet#and probably was just trying to hold her party together and do what she thinks is moral by hearing kipperlilly out#lol lmao etc. gods I gotta wonder how kipperlilly's mindset handled jawbones' help#it really is damn tragic tho. I stand by what I said folks like this will complain and be nasty to be around#but they dont have enough desire to inconvenience themselves to off the bat do something abt what they find unfair or whatever#its when theyre handed the seemingly very easy means to be right that they'll start being dangerous#its horribly tragic that the supposed metaplayer and the self-perceived mastermind turned out to ultimately be just an useful idiot#yknow what. I think personally in my heart kipperlilly moves on from her afterlife the moment she says sorry#doesnt even have to be to lucy but that's probably gonna be who received it#ah.... teenage rebellion. teenage gamejacking
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There’s so many layers to Sejanus being devastated by Marcus’s fate.
He hates how the districts are treated by the Capitol, hates the cruelty of the Hunger Games, he feels the same emotional pain he would have felt being a tribute himself, if not even more, having to watch completely safe from afar, unable to do anything to put an end to the senseless slaughter, while guilt gnaws at him for not risking getting picked to participate himself, for having escaped.
No innocent child deserves that, and it gets even worse when one of the children picked is someone he personally knows, someone he used to share a routine with, someone he used to spend hours alongside in a classroom.
And that child isn’t just someone, that child is Marcus, the kind boy who, while not even being his friend, went out of his way to help him when he got hurt, completely unprompted, just out of the goodness of his heart.
That boy is a testament to what Sejanus already knows, that everyone seems to keep forgetting, which is that humanity at its core is and can be better than how it’s currently behaving. Not to mention how that was probably the last time Sejanus ever experienced an act of such pure, unconditional kindness. And that simple gesture was so impactful on him, it was enough to cement Marcus’s presence in his heart for all those years and then the rest of his life, and it no doubt helped shape Sejanus into the person he became. Someone as good as Marcus shouldn’t be going through all of that, and it drives Sejanus crazy. If the Hunger Games were too much for him to handle before, now that Marcus is involved, they're unbearable.
But there’s more to Marcus. He is also a safe memory to Sejanus, one who undoubtedly often comforted him when he was feeling at his worst. And he’s one of the main things Sejanus thinks about when he thinks of District 2, his home. Home, which despite the fact that he lived there during the war, despite all the suffering he witnessed, despite the reality of the current living conditions there, is still Sejanus’s happy, safe place; it’s the place he belongs to, the place that could fix almost everything for him. But he can never return there. It has to exist only as a memory, kept safely locked away and untouched in his mind and heart.
But when Marcus arrives in the Capitol, he brings his home with him too, he is the physical manifestation of it. Sejanus’s desperation doesn’t just stem from the fact that it’s Marcus, the innocent, kind-hearted boy, undeserving of such cruelty; but also from the fact that that’s his Marcus as well, the one whose existence is synonymous to his home, his sweet boy from his memories, his comfort. Marcus being there doesn’t only mean the pointless, unjust death of a good person, Marcus being there also means the death of Sejanus’s home, its image no longer far away, safe and untouched, kept only in his mind.
Now it’s here and crumbling in front of his eyes. He already knew the reality of things, but it was just that: knowledge. Now he’s face to face with it, face to face with the fact that neither Marcus or his home are or will ever be safe. And, worst of all, he has no way to save them, or anyone else, he’s powerless and completely hopeless against the cruelty of the Capitol, against their fate; and now more than ever, since he’ll have to witness the death of the boy whose memory so often brought him hope before.
In the end all that’s left of both of them, for Sejanus, is a small chunk of marble, made from the same material as his District and carved into the shape of a heart, because that’s exactly where Sejanus’s own is: home with Marcus. We learn he has carried it to his new life in Twelve, immediately before we learn the only pictures he’s taken with him are of his family and his classmates in Two, of him, home for one the last times, standing with Marcus right behind him. That heart is the last physical object connected to Two and Marcus that he’ll have with him for the rest of his life, the last symbol of what he lost and will never get back, of what he couldn’t save or help.
But it’s also the one object connected to them that he brought with him when he regained faith, when he felt like he could finally make a difference and actually help people in the districts; the last symbol that things could still get better and not all hope is lost.
For Sejanus Marcus is a kind and innocent kid; he’s the good in humanity; he’s a safe memory; he’s the marble heart, because he is hope and comfort, and despair and helplessness, and home, and because he is deeply rooted in his own heart
#marble heart best character in the saga and it only appears very briefly twice#jokes aside its truly one of the most interesting elements in the book if not in the entire saga#this is my interpretation of only part of its meaning#im always thinking about that damn heart#also it took me days to write this cause i was never satisfied there was always more to say#(and bc im a perfectionist and kept rewriting each sentence but now i said whatever and just posted it)#everything about marcus and sejanus both separately and as a pair is SO interesting#such great characters and marcus isnt even around for that long#i love them so much#sejanus plinth#marcus tbosas#sejarcus#marble heart#gonna start tagging it every time i talk about it#the ballad of songbirds and snakes
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#this question is very hard for me to answer so obviously I have to torment everyone else with it#cause like. like I can really see the potential in either answer. both are feasible#I will say. most realistically. to me. edwin first charles harder#because I think…..I think the reasoning behind the other way around usually tends to be about how edwin absolutely was slower to bond and#open up in general whereas charles hit the ground fucking running#but i don’t think that particularly applies to their romantic relationship#if you mean ‘fell for’ in a general sense rather than a romantic one then yes 100%#but that’s not what im talking about here#I have a few different reasons but generally I think edwin fell first because like… the way he attached himself to charles and accepted him#as his person and etc is so unlike him to do with literally anyone- especially at the point where they first met/the first years they knew#each other. charles just seems to have hit him as something very very special and irreplaceable quite quickly for him to open up the way he#did and change and flourish into a fully realized person because of how safe and worthy charles made him feel#he took to charles with an unusual amount of ease and trust and I think that says something about how charles struck his heart Early#whereas with charles… yes on one hand he did stay on the mortal plane largely because of edwin and absolutely would’ve been impacted by the#tender act of mercy that was edwin reading to him as he died so he wouldn’t be scared. that’s absolutely what got him to trust edwin and to#want to be with him and protect him and so on#but charles would still do that and be like that under intense platonic circumstances I think#but most importantly I just think charles fell harder. when he fell is less important to me here- more important is that by GOD that boy is#down so fucking bad and outright SAYS IT in so many ways that he doesn’t realize– the sheer amount he restates how he’s content so long as#he’s with edwin. how he doesn’t want to be anywhere where edwin can’t follow. would and Did go to hell and back for him. believes him#to be the kindest and most incredible person he’s ever met. prioritizes him above anything and everything. etc etc etc#that’s not to say edwin doesn’t feel a similar amount of devotion– but charles just. really loves him with his whole person. loves him as a#fact of his existence and a piece of his very soul#idk man. it just feels like he is so incredibly smitten and he doesn’t even know it.#like I said though I can see both options and give reasons for both options so this question EATS at me I GENUINELY don’t have a super#strong feeling either is absolutely correct. it’s so difficult to answer they’re both so smitten and have such a history and GRAHHHH#payneland#dead boy detectives#rambling#polls
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GOD I would HATE to be stuck at a family dinner with them 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I would NOT fucking survive, the vibes alone would do 1000 points poison damage to me 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Also JUST. JUST.
THE VIBES. ARE RANCID. SHARENA DARLING YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS (ALFPNSE TOO BUT DEAR LORD. Sharena LITERALLY was just told to Don't Speak Unless Spoken To RANCID. RANCID FUCKING FAMILY)
#I SAID I WOULDN'T DOCUMEBT THE WHOLE THING. BUT COME ON#gustav hits alfonse with the 'and' 😐🤨 and if i were him i would be internally exploding instantly.#HENRIETTE HITS ALFONSE W THE 'he missed you soooooo much 😊😊😊😊😊😇😇😇' and BY GOD. IF I WERE ALFONSE#i would SHATTER. LIKE GLASS. INSTANTLY. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#my BITCHASS FUCKING BAD WHO'S BEEN SILENT TREATMENTINF ME FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG#BC I HAD THE AUDACITY TO MAKE A CHOICE?????????? BC I DARED HAVE AUTONOMY????????? FREE WILL???????#ohhhh my god and sharena. SHARENA. DARLING. BELOVED. DEAR. how have you not SNAPPED#girl if i were you this would be my villain origin story.#i mean. if. moe is anything to go by.#gooooddddddddddddd.#HELP THE TYPO IN MY TAGS.... OF 'BAD' INSTEAD OF 'DAD'....... freudian slip. but am i wrong#GOOODDDDD BUT. HAVING. EYES. THAT KNOW. EVERYTHING. THAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE#INSANE!!!!!! INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bc i DO ACTUALLY BELIEVE HENRIETTE NOW??? WHEN SHE SAYS THAT ABOUT GUSTAV?!?????#SHE'S. the ONLY person in the goddamn fucking WORLD. who would know this. who would be able to read this. what the FUCK#but like THAT STILL DOESN'T MAKE HIM ANY BETTER...... gooooddddddd I HATE IT. HATE IT#when the love IS there it's just fucking stupid bc nobody here is normal. about anything. making an endlessly complicated situation#type of shit that has made it so i never believe that anyone genuinely likes me. type of shit that makes me never believe an 'i love you'#UNLESS. if it's from my sisters i trust them w my entire heart. but holy shit it actually took them directly stating it#AS. AN ADULT. AT THIS TIME. for me to actually believe it. and fully actually accept it.#HELP AND ALSO... EVERY TIME GUSTAV CALLS ALFPNSE 'Son.' IT'S.. SO FUNNY TO ME IDK WHY#i just read it in that one voice/cadence. of that katamari post. my gay ass son who i hate. HELP#i need to find that again hold on#but first#fe alfonse#sharena#fe henriette#fe gustav#book 3 replaying#feh
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#had an interesting conversation with my sister the other day. odd i guess bc my sister is pretty smart#on paper shes smarter than me. or at least less dyslexic than me#but she didnt seem to kno what cancer is. i mean like how it works. i mean. cancer is a mistake. a confluence of unfortunate accidents#leading to unrestrained cellular growth. when it metastasizes. when it moves to other parts of the body. those same cells continue growing#if u have smooth muscle cancer and it moves to your kidney. you body is trying to grow more smooth muscle on your kidney#at least as i understand it. and she asked why it wants to kill you. it doesnt want anything. it just is. its not a thing of malicious#intent. its neutral. it grows. it takes up resources. it takes up space. and it grows and grows until the organ it grows on stops#functioning properly. like a parasite she said. but no. not like a parasite. it grows like an empty space. a mass of flesh. a constant#obstructive pressure. it grows like only a tumor can. i dunno. it didnt seem to connect with her that this thing didnt want to kill our mom#but it did anyway. and she felt weird about how long she lived after they took her off any support. but thats how cancer kills#it stops an organ from functioning and most of those r important so it only takes one. so her heart kept beating for 12 more hrs bc it was#meant to beat for 40 more years. but not much it could do without working kidneys and without working blood#but that's life. that's death. that's nature. its all nutral even if it feels horrible to the individual.#i dunno. i thought it was interesting. shes 25 and her mother had cancer for 10 years so id think shed kno more#we're at a weird phase now bc its been a week since she died and everything feels normal. we'll see what happens at the wake this week#its been interesting for sure bc she was sick for 10 years but my parents didnt prepare at all for her to die#so my dad is scrambling to put together the pieces shr left behind to make sure that all the bills r paid and whatnot. he had to guess her#computer password. she didnt tell us what she wanted us to have. she didnt tell us the importance of her jewelry and who it belonged to#before her. i dunno. we're seeing the outline of my mothers Pathology in what she left behind. both in the physical objects and in the#feelings she imparted. i dunno. its been weird#unrelated
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"Who's idea was it to put the cone on your head for the parade? Was that all you?" "Zach Eisenberg [Director, Executive Operations]—I think is his name—he takes care of us a lot at Amerant Bank Arena. I don't know his exact role with the team but he's just kind-of always around, and helps us out. He's friends with Brooks [Koepka.] I think he helps Brooks when he comes to the games. Anyways he found a pylon or I think I might have told him—I was pretty drunk at the time but I think I told him to go get a py—'if you could find a pylon, find one!' 'Cuz they sprung that speech on me, kind-of, last second, you know, five minutes before I was supposed to go up there. I'm like, 'What the fuck am I gonna say?' So I had him go grab the pylon and I grabbed it on the side of the stage right before I was gonna do my speech. And luckily all the clips are of that, you know, me telling him to go fuck himself... 'cuz the rest of my speech was terrible. There's really nothing to it! And I'm so happy that, you know, all the clips are only of that so!" "Yeah, we didn't know you said anything else! I thought that was the entire speech!" "That's all that matters!" "Exactly, exactly! I got away with it there!"
The Cam & Strick Podcast | 7.30.24 (x)
i love finding out they basically told ekky he was gonna have to do a whole speech 5 minutes before he was up while hes been drenched from rainwater and alcohol for like the past 6 hours absolutely pissed out of his mind like yeah no wonder his speech basically culminated to THANK YOU SOUTH FLORIDA AND ALSO GIVE IT UP FOR MY D PARTNER WOOOOO yeah that tracks
"But what golf tournament* were you at shortly after that? Somebody was dressed like a cone? Was that Lomberg who was dressed in like a costume? A cone costume?" "He came—Brooks came up to you—" "No, that was his buddy, that was his buddy. He was actually a Sunrise police officer. I actually saw him last night at the Zach Bryan concert! But yeah, no, that's one of his buddies. No, he was completely put to bed the day after. Right? Like he texted me—I personally didn't care, like, how many people at a hockey game are calling me a cone and telling Barkov he's got no hands like it's—you know, that's hockey. That's sports, right? So I didn't give a shit but—yeah, no, it was all in good fun. And then I got a way to get him back! It's perfect!" "But when you did see the first video of him in the box—and I remember watching that, I'm like, 'this motherfucker is rolling esctasy!' His eyes were fuckin' gigantic, he's like, 'Aaargghh.' Like, 'I can't take him, he's calling me a cone! I can't—' But that is kind-of odd that a professional athlete is gonna call you a cone and he's like a fan of yours...it's just—it was really bizarre!" "Goofy!" "Yeah..." "And his eyes were black which, you know..." "What does that mean?" "I just know what that means... and he was fucked up, you know..." "Yeah, yeah! He was definitely fucked up and he agreed that he was fucked up. And he apologised so I didn't care, obviously. And then when I was at that golf event I should've thrown a beer at his backswing or something—at the LIV event when he was actually competing? I should've fucked with him but I couldn't do it... I couldn't—I couldn't find the courage to throw something at him..." "So did he reach out to you like that night? And say, 'Hey, dude... I was just joking, you know...'" "'I took some pills and...'"
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*2023 LIV Golf Team Championship (Miami) held from Oct. 20-22 in Doral
[and i suppose more context here lombo and koepka are friends and he even showed up to his cupday when he went golfing in parkland and not to mention that lombo facilitated koepka apologising to ekky so its why the whole cone costume came to be really]
theres a lot more context about this incident and the ensuing storm after it so for archival sakes here are articles about it (x)(x)(x)(x)(x) because its quite a saga but its water under the bridge and there's only so much tabloid-esque coverage thats been reignited after the ekky speech i can take about an athlete who's dumb enough to insult another guy while hes drunk off as his ass in a fucking public setting
but anyways i think its really funny that i said to myself wow thats an oddly petty thing to admit to you know the whole wanting to throw a beer at his backswing ekky... for such a good vibes sweet man who like the only thing youve particularly said about the cone novella is "we'll never be buddies" to which you quickly retracted and then went "holding ill will against somebody and pulling negativity in your body is never a good thing"
and then i remembered who he attended the liv event with and it all made sense
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behind every aqua whos being a little mean there is a much worse much more evil looming presence who is encouraging them down this dark path (a gem but especially a june gem)
truly a tale as old as time
#aaron ekblad#florida panthers#aaron ekblad is not a speech giver and hes certainly not a speech giver when hes drunk lmao#bitch just went woo! a lot and publicly loved forsy yeah and i wouldnt have it any other way#also not like any of us noticed the speech was bad we were all either too drunk or halfway to hypothermia we fuckin cheered for anything lo#that being said while i was fucking shivering like a chihuahua it did absolutely warm my heart to see a man so touched by all of us#animalistically chanting ekky at him like thats what its all about fucking barked my little heart at everything he said I DID NOT CAREEE#as a gem i do in fact make all my friends actively worse and go “you're being way too nice about this lmao dw ill be mean about it for you”#love the sasha mention and the ghost of benny haunting us all very nice#meant to post this earlier but i think the more context is added to this the better and it took a while to remember and track it down#anyways i love pretending doral is miami#please dont ask south floridians what is miami and what is not miami that is gonna cause a civil war#also dont ask people outside south florida what is miami because they sure as hell dont know#need to give a presentation on miami versus soflo and why calling it “greater miami/miami metropolitan area” is really fucking stupid#and just serves to confuse the living fuck out of everyone outside this fucking hellhole#im sorry thats my geo rant over i promise i wont bring this up again until like (looks at calendar) tomorrow#also very funny that ekky dated himself by saying “last night at the zach bryan concert” so we know he recorded this on july 23rd#thank you king very nice of you
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(Out of nowhere, you are approached by a familiar lightbulb-headed Cog.)
Ah, it's you, cat. Thinking you're oh-so-slick. Muttering and whispering under those raggedy whiskers of yours... Thinking I am unable to hear it all...
Well, you've simply underestimated my fantastic hearing. You probably want to know the reason why I'm here, taking a 'break' from my incredibly important scientific breakthroughs? It's quite simple, really!
(She gets close, and squints her eyes.)
I know what you are.
Farewell, now!
(She then leaves the way she came from.)
(Spam giggles immensely, covering her face... it always seems like she's giggling, isn't she? This lasts... at least thirty seconds. Longer than usual.)
And I know what I am too, Sparky! You broke through something, that's for sure. Really, broke through...
(She looks down, continuing to laugh nervously.)
You know, I find it odd you Havent tried to bulb blast me into the stratosphere by now. I mean knowing how you acted with Frostbite. Is there something peculiar about me that you perhaps can't quite track? Something about me that you... don't know what I am?
I know, I know, I'm talking to nobody again. But you were there when I had a moment today with the one the only Frostbite The Bravecog. You may be remaining. Lurking in the shadows. Knowing about these thoughts that I'm thinking.
(The giggling resumes, lasting far shorter this time.)
Your brother's a piece of fucking barp, by the way
(She braces for impact for a few seconds, wincing while smiling, before comically looking around to realize nobody's there. She sighs.)
Wow, okay maybe toony superhero show logic doesn't apply in this situation. Cool.
WAIT I JUST FUCKING REALIZED WHAT SHE MEANT but like. Dude if she meant that then what's the point I mean the whole ahh sellbot department barping knows unless you're Really low on the ladder. Heheh... maybe she did mean what I thought she meant.
Oh i'm so fucking screwed. What kind of bitch gets filament fever
#bright spark#<- for finding this again later. haha i called her sparky#the way she talks fucking tickles my brain so much im so . ohguohguohoghog SHE#SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG you see i was in the mindset that i would do this one little thing and then i would do my work which uh.#that leads to so so SO much procrastination. including on fun things! oh so fun things.#today was an event.#i also spent quite a bit of time ruminating i “would she really say that” is worse when shes literally you#to clarify. she is spam's aunt by like. building standards. not really in her found family. so its fucked up but as i said in discord this#is like. a “your mom's kinda hot” level crush. you know. also sorry i really wanted to say filament fever its been eating at me okay#nothing SERIOUS the way my f/os (and spam's f/os (plural now?? i guess?? if today was a canon event)) are#honestly mark still feels like the only real one with her to me but damn it. if spam's reflecting My Changes then she's Reflecting My Chang#spam in toontown unlike my other sonas is the most “its just you again” out of all of them and thats partially because her main#cog connection... is frostbite. they bounce off each other like we literally bounce off each other and damn it shes been so stagnant on her#own because of it. mark happened and she mirrored that because i kept fucking talking about him while we were in character and ideally#i should TRY to fix her. but also man because i'm not doing Serious lore stuff with her i dont. even know if i want to.#i kinda brushed it over the rug by saying that she relies on her constant entertainment so readily because she herself still doesnt feel#like she has a place outside of cogs only. sure she's in high roller backstage sure she's in allan's family now but shes not Doing anything#with herself the way that her friends are. mole's a ranger. frostbite cohosts. wishes... has chip. and something she doesn't have--#living and fully growing as a toon. rather than being haphazardly slapped into a world. and in some respects she's envious of frostbite#finding themselves so quickly because she distracts herself because she's still kinda struggling with it. despite everything. yes she lives#happy and carefree a lot of the time but she keeps buying those dumb phones because when she's truly alone... her mind starts to wander.#that's what mark is for. so that spam can dream of a world where she has a purpose. even if its fake and fragile and just nothing compared#to the great friends that she already has. where she feels like its worth it doing something when she doesn't have anyone. and in that#respect. with the goons ma allan parallels in sonboy the spam cathal parallels shine. seeking tv (and to a lesser extent games) as a#method of escapism. even when one's life is already pretty good. because there's nothing else worth doing without friends or family.#the internet isn't just cool. it gives her something to be when it seems like everyone is something but her. and maybe thats a lazy#excuse for why it seems like she doesnt HAVE anything to call her own but that but damn it i'm trying my best to twist it around.#spam has such a HISTORY yknow? even if it feels like i havent established her much.#spam is the hearts to frostbite's spades not just because they're the duo of all time but because spam's fake stupid love keeps her going#sorry i just started rambling in the tags of this post about spam it. happens. she loves her friends so much i need to reiterate that okay
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I guess I'm publicly admitting it now... I got rizzed by the twink magician 🙈 He's too pretty for his own good
With that said, I probably won't selfship with him in the way I usually do because I already have Dasha and she's just perfect in that I haven't associated myself with any oc-insert like I do with her, I can't possibly beat having a s/i like that, nor could I ever see her leaving Kazuha, especially for someone associated with the organization she utterly loathes. But I am definitely rotating this man in my brain like a rotisserie chicken so I made a new "crush" category in my introduction post 👉👈 You may also find someone unexpected on that list...
#🎩✨ (crush)#canon f/o footage#he's my boytoy. he's my husband. he's my everything#also I'd marry this guy just to have the best siblings-in-law tbh#they really said ''this is a set do not separate'' and I took it to heart
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my grandpa was a good man. and it really wasnt his fault - recreationally lying to kids is a proud family tradition - but he told me, once, that cutting a worm in half resulted in two worms.
i think he said it so i'd be more morally okay with fishing? i actually dont remember the context.
point was, he told me this, and he understimated (by a very large margin) how much i liked worms. i was a worm boy. very wormy. and after hearing that, i went home, and i dug through the garden, flipped over every rock, did everything i could to gather as many worms as i could, and then i uh.
i cut them all in half. every worm i could find. all of them. with scissors.
i then took this pile of split worms, and i put them in a box with a bit of lettuce and some water and stuff and went to bed expecting to double my worms overnight. i have math autism, so i had a vague understanding that if i did this just a few times in a row, i would eventually have a completely unreasonable amount of worms.
i was very excited to become this plane's worm emperor.
(i think i was...six?)
anyway, i did not become the inheritor of the worm crown. i instead woke up to a box of dead worms and cried. a lot. i got diagnosed with panic attacks as a teenager, but i think i had them as a kid, i just had no idea what they were. i was kind of processing that a.) i had killed what i had assumed was every single worm in my yard, and thus would have no more worms, and b). i was going to like, worm hell.
(six year babylon spent a lot of time worrying about god.)
so i kind of freaked out, and i climbed a tree, because god can only smite you if you're touching the ground (?) and i sat up there mostly inconsolable until my mom came out and asked, hey, what's up? what happened?
so i explained to her that i had killed all of the worms, forever, and was also Damned, and she took me to the compost pile, and we dug for all of five seconds and found like twenty more worms.
the compost pile was full of worms.
she then told me that a). there were more worms, and we could put them back under rocks and stuff and recolonize our yard and b). that one day, i would die, and go to heaven, and be able to talk to the worms face to face. that i'd be able to tell them all that i was very sorry, and that i killed them on accident, driven only by excessive Love, and that she was positive they would forgive me because worms have six hearts and no malice.
at that point, i think i was sixty percent tear-snot by weight, and i had no choice but to gather enough worms that i could hug them. which my mom helped with. and then after that she helped me put some worms back under each rock.
and for my epilogue: i spent a significant portion of my childhood in trees. and for many years after, even when my mom didnt know i was watching, i would catch her giving the space under the rocks a light spritz with the hose. not because she loved worms.
but because she loved me.
#anecdotes#memories#worms#moms#the hazards of recreationally lying to children#dont treat my grandpa too harsh#story time#stories#babylon#animal death#religion
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I had to tell my manager, borderline in tears, that I had to go home just minutes after clocking into my second shift after finally returning to work this week because my son’s father is so incapable of watching his own children that he had a tantrum until I came home. But I got to dance in the kitchen with my kids while my oldest very proudly made pancakes all by himself, and although I sobbed the entire way home, seeing my children smile at me with that much love almost made me forget it.
#I didn’t leave him with them alone ofc#my mom was also home but she said she wasn’t prepared to watch the baby and so I had to come home if he wasn’t gonna do it#this man told me to go back to work#told me watching kids was easier than working#spent an entire year berating me for being lazy and not working even though I was fucking half dying in the hospital and I’ve never not wor#even though I’ve been the primary parent and the primary supporter this whole goddam time#and then because I woke him up at 5:30 AM and he was hungover and tired from going out the night before and because my child is still adjus#to my absence#and was crying#he decided absolutely not#blew up my phone cursing me out and calling me selfish and accusing me of abandoning my child because I care more about leaving the house#sending me videos of my son crying and saying he wasn’t going to pick him up at all so I better come home#even though my mom said she watched him pick him up to console him immediately after the video so he was just being a#manipulative ass#telling me he wasn’t a babysitter and demanding I come back and even though he spent so much time telling me to go#he tried to tell me he told me not to#even though once again he said he was moving out last night and wouldn’t be giving me a dime so idk wtf he expected me to do#Sure with the right person I’d love to stay home and raise my children to think I want to go to work ???#but I’m not about to remain trapped and ar your mercy forever but#I could not stay and work after all that. My heart was breaking and I’m not strong enough to watch videos of my baby crying and not react#and even though my mom took him at my request she did not want to take care of him doe ten hours and I had to come home#and I just don’t know how she can continue to judge me daily and say things like you’ll figure it out when I’m trying my fucking hardest an#no one is able to help like it’s no one’s responsibility and I wish I could do it alone but I cannot stay home with y kids 24/7 and not rel#on him#and I csnnot go to work and support my fsmkly#Without him if I have no one to watch my kids#and I was sobbing so hard on the way home I almost couldn’t drive because I feel so trapped that I couldn’t breathe#truly an awful morning but I will spin the memory of my son laughing at the perfect pancakes he flipped#and my other son giggling for the first time when I tossed him up into the air#inside my brain so many times that it’ll erase everything else
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I GOT ZEKVIR ?? OH MY GOD. I AM SHAKING.
#this was way more frustrating than the mage tower#yet i SOMEHOW got it in less attempts than the guardian druid challenge?#anyway thats season 1 done for me. im not gonna get ksm. a bit too late and i have to pug#and WME is dead asf :C#ramblings#got it on a balance druid#i have delve gear only. used the candle confidant trinket and everburnign lantern#and changed from porcelain arrow to the earthmother relic#the shield is a lifesaver#i think changing trinkets helped too... i hate on-use trinkets bc i always forget to use them#anyway im HAPPY I GOT MY VOID DIRIGIBLE#also i almost had a heart attack#every time i got to phase 2 i would be sweating and shaking nad im STILL sweating and shaking afterwards#i hate that the rewards are limited-time but i guess you gotta have seasonal shit for everything even delves#that was tough. my ilvl is 612 btw. (well. 613 but 612 equipped)#hope this helps someone. did it on a balance druid. used treants for the spider add#i also rotating celestial alignment and convoke for the add as well if i was a bit slow#i took a HUGE risk and used them on the last 5% of health and burst him down#he spawned an add when i was doing this. i would recommend NOT using CDs when youre almst finished#better safe than sorry. but i said 'fuck it USE THE CD ON HIM' lmao
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Simon Riley who took you home after a night out, expecting sex but you couldn't go through with it.
You were both already naked, your hands on his chest, straddling the large man when you just ... couldn't do it. Being a virgin at this age felt embarrassing, and tonight you wanted to get rid of the title.
Simon, saw the dismay on your face and wrapped a blanket around you. Your face was bright red from embarrassment, god, what was holding you back?
"it's alrigh' love."
You felt the need to leave. You hadn't given him what he wanted...so you guessed it was time to hit the road.
So, both of you got up to do very different things.
You started putting on your dress and shoes, but when Simon turned around, he had a pair of his shirts and large sweat pants for you to wear.
His gruff voice was so gentle.
"You don't 'ave to leave..."
You weren't expecting this. There were no alarm bells, nothing in your stomach to say 'run.' But Simon Riley knew the dangers that women faced and he never wanted to make another woman feel that way.
"I uh, just want you to know, you can do whatever you like. I just ... fucking hell. What I'm tryin' to say is, I'd like to spend more time with ya...if that's alrigh' by you..."
He offered you a shower, and god did you want one. Surprisingly enough, Simon had pretty good products in his bathroom. None of that 30 in 1 shampoo. Clean towels. Everything was in perfect order; neat, tidy.
When you had changed into the perfectly oversized clothes (he is like 6'6?), and walked downstairs, Simon was waiting on the lounge with various drink options, and a sheepish grin.
"Thought you'd need some water, but I also have whiskey, coffee, tea..."
"Oh, thank you! Um, I'm fine with water...and maybe a tea."
"Woman after me own heart," he said with a grin and went on to make the best cuppa he's made in his life.
#simon riley#simon ghost riley#simon riley x reader#simon riley x you#witchthewriter#headcanons#cod simon riley#ghost simon riley#simon ghost riley fanfiction#simon ghost riley smut#simon ghost riley x reader#simon ghost x reader#simon ghost x you#simon riley call of duty#simon riley cod#simon ghost riley x you#simon riley headcanons#simon riley imagine#simon riley x female reader#taskforce 141
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