#everyone leaves

[m3r1m4r5u333]

Just a long ramble about how sad and unwell Eddie is

Aaargh this isn't the first time I post something like this but. Every time I think about Eddie's slide into insanity after Buck came out. I CAN'T DEAL.

It's just so... Tragic. And funny. And sad. And funny, okay!

But also so fucking tragic!

Because I feel like the fall into this madness is him, being pushed from two directions over the edge. It's Eddie, still missing, mourning, loving Shannon... And not ever really taking a moment to process his grief, and truly face and accept her death.

And the push over the edge is also about Eddie, clearly being in love with Buck, having already pined for years, hopelessly, alone... and then learning that Buck is into men, just not into Eddie (or so Eddie concludes).

Because I fully believe Eddie really had NO IDEA that Buck likes men,

Nope, he had spent years watching Buck run after women, endless women, he has watched him flirt, date, have affairs, confess love, casually try to count the thousands of women he's been with and not being even able to remember...

And Buck never dated even one man.

And it wasn't like Buck was homophobic, clearly he's an ally, keeps posting about his support, is close friends with queer people...

So Eddie thinks it couldn't be just repression or homophobia or ignorance either.

No, Eddie thought Buck just liked women, and if Eddie ever thought there was a flirty moment between them two... then clearly it was just Eddie, and his overly active imagination. It was just his hope talking.

So Eddie squished that hope, to protect himself. He crushed it utterly. Eddie hammered into his skull the painful knowledge that Buck is straight, and that path is a dead end.

So it didn't matter that Eddie had realised that Buck is beautiful in any light, even in the dark. It was a dead end.

And so years went by and Eddie had resigned to his fate which was that he was

pining after a straight man.

Yea it was sad, and hopeless, but so what. That was simply the hand he'd been given. He would cope.

So Eddie made himself see the world as it was, he killed his hope, he internalized this idea, Buck being straight so thoroughly...

That when the idea actually proved out to be wrong..?

Eddie couldn't at first even process the concept, of Buck being into men!!!

No, when Buck told him about having been on a date with another MAN....

Eddie's brain just latched onto Tommy's gayness first...

because at least that idea was safe, comprehensible,

that idea was something Eddie could approach, digest. It was a surprise but it wasn't his reality warping.

Unlike the news of Buck's bisexuality...

which was a mad, bizarre idea,

a freaking MASSIVE PARADIGM SHIFT,

something that couldn't be true,

a concept that had Eddie's universe tilting!!

So Eddie ignored the freaking tooth fairy introducing himself, and wrapped his brain around something that sounded SANE first, Tommy's gayness, and then...

When his brain finally started believing his ears, and his mind started whirring,

when he finally got it....

He went:

Wait...

You TWO...?!

And he was fucking floored.

Really, when Eddie says "Okay",

to acknowledge this news...

he's fucking SHAKING,

eyes wide in shock,

His voice is all wonky!!!

He's shocked, he's shaken...

Because for a brief moment...

he exists in a world in which Buck could love him back!!

Because he's realising that after all these years....

Of him,

hopelessly staring at Buck, with no hope,

watching him date a woman after woman... And just quietly pining...

It turns out....

Maybe there is a chance?

After all, he's been wrong to assume the idea of them two is impossible,

because turns out that all this time Buck HAS been into men, too...?

Maybe...?

But oh.

No, he's being stupid again, feeling hope.

It's a trap. There is no hope, Eddie realises.

Any hope is a fever dream.

Because Buck is talking about Tommy. About how much he likes Tommy.

WHICH MEANS...

THAT BUCK'S SEXUALITY...

DOES.

NOT.

MATTER.

WILL. NOT. MATTER.

Yep, this news is irrelevant.

Because Eddie still has no hope.

Because this news just makes everything worse.

... Because this is not a chance.

This is Eddie, being crushed under a truck.

This just makes it clear how hopelessly unrequited Eddie's feelings are, have always been, will always be.

Because this just makes it clear that Eddie can never exist on Buck's radar.

No, it doesn't even matter that Buck likes men...

Because clearly, he still doesn't want Eddie.

No, Buck never looked back, it was all imagination,

he's still not doing that even though Eddie now knows that Buck likes men, too,

and Eddie is right there, has been all along.

But it doesn't matter.

Buck is still not interested.

He has found someone else.

Sounds serious about someone else.

Yes, Buck likes men, and still dismisses Eddie.

Which just leaves one explanation...

that the problem here isn't Eddie's gender, the reason why he is alone with these feelings isn't his gender. No, it never was.

It's not his body, Buck likes men.

So it's just.... Eddie, then, right?

He is the problem. Something about who he is just clearly doesn't catch Buck's interest, makes him uninteresting.

That must be what makes Eddie unappealing? Not what he looks like, not him being a man... but who he is. He is Eddie, and something about that makes Buck go "no, not him."

Yes, the problem is Eddie. He drove Shannon away, too, right. There is just something wrong with him, that makes people leave.

No, there is no hope.

He must just be utterly unlovable to Buck.

And so...

All hope just goes crashing down.

Down.

Down.

Crashing.

And Eddie quickly puts on a mask... and pretends.

This is fine.

Yes. This is fine. Nothing has changed. Business as usual.

I'll deal. Yes.

This doesn't change a thing between us. Okay? ���

Yes. 🔥THIS IS FINE.🔥

I can deal. I have a girlfriend, don't I?

And if that's not enough.

That's fine, too! Maybe something else will come along and save me from this pain, something just as magical as Buck. Yeah. Any day now.

Something will drown out this horror, something just as big and beautiful, and magical.

He'll find someone he loves just as deeply. Who will love him back.

So here's how it goes:

I'm fine. This is fine. Yep.

.... Nevermind I will find someone like youuuu.

I wish nothing but the best for yoouuu twoooo....

...

...

...

Oh.

I... I'm saved.

I've found someone.

I'm safe.

I've found someone like him. Just as huge, lovely, I've found a great love.

I know it.

It's Shannon. Of course it's Shannon. It must be Shannon.

Shannon and Buck are the magical ones.

And she never really died, did she?

I never really believed that.

So now I've found her again.

She was just hiding. Here she is!

It's Shannon, it's my dead wife, hiding under a fake identity.

Because I'm okay.

Because nothing has changed and I am fine, and this discovery,

Buck's bisexuality?

It doesn't hurt me, can't hurt me. I have something just as good, I have love again.

Ha, this discovery is a ✨🕺DISCO🕺✨

It doesn't hurt.

I'm happy.

I'm not seeing a ghost. This may seem mad but it's not, it's all fine, normal because she isn't dead, she isn't a ghost. Of course she isn't.

She's real, she's Shannon. Just in disguise. Hiding. Running from something maybe. But I'll make her feel safe, coax her out of hiding.

This was always meant to happen. She ran but she came back and now I've found her again.

And this is real. She isn't dead. I'm not seeing things. This is real. She isn't dead.

This has nothing to do with Buck dating Tommy.

This isn't my mental health cracking, right after Buck came out and started dating another man.

And I found out that I am unlovable and that there is no hope in this world.

No, the world is a happy place, full of love.

....

So. I think that's the scenery inside Eddie's dream land.

Nope, Eddie is not spiraling... After never really processing his grief and admitting that Shannon is truly gone.

After years of watching Buck date women, watching Buck not even being able to count how many women he's been with,

Eddie just helplessly finding him beautiful in any lighting, probably even in pitch fucking black...

Eddie is not crashing after being hit with the cruel knowledge that the world is just a sharp painful place, that Eddie cannot ever find love, he will always be alone and unlovable

and everyone he loves leaves...

Yes, Eddie is fine. He has already moved on. So very moved on, that he's now dating TWO women.

And if one of them is a ghost then... If one of them is his dead wife, walking again.

Then there's nothing wrong with him. He's fine. There is love in his life, isn't there? Shannon loved him.

Loves him.

She's even sending coded messages about their time on the beach together by showing him the beach scented candles.

It's her. Eddie isn't alone. He's loved. He has love.

No, nothing has changed.

I am just suddenly seeing my dead wife again. I am fine.

[doomedfromthewombfr]

I don’t know what’s scarier- my mental illnesses or the fact that they’re the only things that stick around

[onewhale]

Brozo😭😭😭😭

[ovrmymind]

Have you ever wondered why you have no friends?

Do YOU blame others !?

Do YOU blame yourself !?

It's you.... it's all you.

[nickyhex]

I would leave me too, if I could.

[ladymaria-blue]

[amethystamaranth]

"live in the moment" they say, blithe, unaware, lucky little spoiled rotten brats

THE MOMENT FUCKING SUCKS I WILL ESCAPE IT HOWEVER I CAN

[spilled-ink-like-spilled-wrists]

Everyone leaves me.

Why did I expect you to be different?

[heartstringsandbrokenthings]

i want to make life

so achingly

lovely that you

could never bear

to leave it.

[your-mentally-ill-vampire]

"I'm not hundert percent sure what I did wrong..." - Me, about the dough not rising but also about my favourite person leaving.

[nightndaydreaming]

They always get more and more distant. Sorry I’m not entertaining enough, sorry I’m not pretty enough, not quiet enough, too much. I’ll have to apologize for being too much until the day die won’t I

[doomedfromthewombfr]

My soul is a revolving door of faces I’ve loved too much and lost too quickly. I wonder if anyone regrets walking out or if I’m just the disaster they survived

[cyanide-teardrops]

It's like they're trying to tell me they don't want me around. Like they'd be relieved if I stopped responding.

[calamityman]

Words cannot describe the joy I got no matter the type of day I had you greeted me with unconditional love. You came around as to never leave me alone with my thoughts the best you could, you heard all my stories, all my hardships. My most intimate thoughts were shared with you. You didn’t judge you just loved. I got you as a pet and immediately became more than that, you were my best friend when Justin wasn’t around. You were my son that taught me life lessons. You helped me raise my niece. You took care of the family when I wasn’t around and for that I’ll always be thankful. I could never be mad at you. I truly love you buddy, I’m so sorry I couldn’t do more to help or save you. But I tried. Bruce you were everything that’s beautiful in life. . As I lay here thinking of all our adventures, all our good times…I lay clutching onto your blanket I can still smell you and my heart breaks immensely all over again. I wish our last conversation would’ve never ended. But you heard me you listened. I will never forget you. I promise I’ll see you soon enough papa, please go Find Justin and keep Him company till I can reunite with both of you. He’ll love you just the same I promise that. I’ll keep taking care Em the same way I taught you till I see you again. I love you papa, I wish it wasn’t like this.

[megavanillabean]

i told you i had abandonment issues and now it feels like you’re leaving me too

[a-j-s-the-only]

but if your leaving,

please stay to say goodbye