#shedblur

[cyanide-teardrops]

Too devistatingly numb to cry, so I'll make my skin cry for me instead

[cyanide-teardrops]

I stare into the void,

The void stares back deep into my soul and shakes me to my very core.

I welcome it.

It feels familiar,

Like a place from where I came, and to where I will eventually return,

Home.

[cyanide-teardrops]

I've met some truly lovely people on this side of the internet, a lot of people I care deeply about. But there are some people you really need to avoid. Without saying there are the creeps who prey on the vulnerable, but there are also those who quite literally leave destruction wherever they go. Sure, people feel that they ruin every relationship they have, this is something I believe myself, but what I am talking about is the bullies who manipulate and intimidate people who are desperate to find others who relate to their struggles, just to support their complex of self-superiority in having the biggest struggle and their campaign to make a following of blind supporters. Myself and others have engaged with this type of person, and a lot of us agree we stayed as a form of sh, but I guess I'm writing all this to say please don't engage these type of people, you will gain nothing from it but the fear of setting off someone who is quick to anger.

If someone DM's you to join their group with a list of requirements and "verification" to get in, take it as a massive red flag and gtfo. There's always the chance they are trying to steal your information, but there's also the chance your dealing with someone who is craving peoples devotion, but is paranoid and suspicious of all, and wants you to prove how far you will go for them before letting you in.

Don't do it, don't engage them. It's just not worth it

[cyanide-teardrops]

I wish my friends would see my new scars and ask me if I was ok.

They just act like they don't see anything...

Maybe if I made them bigger they would notice and actually care about me and how I'm doing

[cyanide-teardrops]

After the fact - sitting here wondering if someone took my ointment or if I just put it somewhere stupid

[cyanide-teardrops]

Too tired to cv7, too awake to fall asleep...

[cyanide-teardrops]

Bit of a story time for anyone who wants to read lol. I wanted to write this down cuz I guess its a memory I want to remember.

Had to go to the hospital last week to get 🪡 and I had a surprisingly positive experience compared to past ones.

Despite it being busy and having to wait 5 hours to be seen, the doctor took the time to sit with me and listen to what I had to say when she asked what led up to me coming in. She was only validating in her responses, and she didn't rush me.

When she did the numbing the angel also waited a few minutes after the first jab for it to start to work before doing the rest. In my past experiences they've gone in and done it as quickly as they could which is quite painful, but this time after the first I barely felt the rest.

She had to leave and two junior doctors did the 🪡, but both of them were very kind as well.

Maybe the fact that I didn't go in during a crisis and I was fairly calm meant I got a better response? I know all hospital experiences aren't going to be positive, I've had horrible ones myself, but it's nice to know that there are doctors who do genuinely want to help.

[cyanide-teardrops]

Been craving subway but I don't wanna go over my cal limit so I calculated my usual order...

THAT SHITS NEARLY 1000!!!!!!

Safe to say it has put me off getting subway, maybe I should do this with all of my comfort foods....

[cyanide-teardrops]

♱⛧November 2nd⛧♱

------------------------------⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆------------------------------

~ 𝒲ℯ𝒾ℊ𝒽𝓉: 79.4𝓀ℊ

~ ℬℳℐ: 27.8

~ 𝒮𝓉ℯ𝓅𝓈: ???

~ 𝒯ℴ𝓉𝒶𝓁 𝒞𝒶𝓁: 960

------------------------------⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆------------------------------

ℬ𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝒻𝒶𝓈𝓉: ~ Nissin Tonkotsu Ramen: 447

ℒ𝓊𝓃𝒸𝒽: ~ Pad see ew: 181 ~ Small coffee with sweetner: 56

𝒟𝒾𝓃𝓃ℯ𝓇: ~ Protein water: 101

𝒮𝓃𝒶𝒸𝓀𝓈: ~ Wonka nerds: 175

------------------------------⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆------------------------------

Managed to keep today under 1000. Didn't record any steps because I was at home all day studying. I got this new protein water which tastes really good so I'm hoping it will help increase my protein intake. Randomly lost like a kilo which was nice to see, probably mostly water weight tho.

I really need to get my steps up, but tomorrow is going to be really hot so I don't think its gonna be a good idea to go out and excercise in the heat with my POTS.

Tomorrow I also want to try having less carbs so that I have less empty cals and give myself some of the nutrients I need to keep up my energy.

[cyanide-teardrops]

♱⛧November 1st⛧♱

------------------------------⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆------------------------------

~ 𝒲ℯ𝒾ℊ𝒽𝓉: 𝟪𝟢.𝟧𝓀ℊ

~ ℬℳℐ: 𝟤𝟪.𝟤

~ 𝒮𝓉ℯ𝓅𝓈: 𝟥,𝟤𝟥𝟢

~ 𝒯ℴ𝓉𝒶𝓁 𝒞𝒶𝓁: 𝟣𝟥𝟢𝟥

------------------------------⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆------------------------------

ℬ𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝒻𝒶𝓈𝓉: ~ Protein yoghurt: 94 ~ Dare sugar free iced coffee 500mL: 325

ℒ𝓊𝓃𝒸𝒽: ~ Pad see ew: 544 ~ Apple cider: 208

𝒟𝒾𝓃𝓃ℯ𝓇: ~ Chickadees 90g: 132

------------------------------⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆------------------------------

I wanna try to eat under 1000 as the bare minimum, but today was a good start compared to what I've been eating previously. I also want to get in 6000 steps as a bare minimum.

I need to change. I'm the biggest I've ever been and I'm tired of hating my body because of it. I don't wear 90% of the clothes I own because I'm too scared to try them on because I know they won't fit.

It's time to do something about it. I know I won't be able to achieve continuous low intake and high steps at the beginning, but if I keep improving every day I know I'll be able to get into the swing of it again.

[cyanide-teardrops]

Getting more consistent beans on my thighs, its never enough

[cyanide-teardrops]

It's like they're trying to tell me they don't want me around. Like they'd be relieved if I stopped responding.

[cyanide-teardrops]

The relief while sw1ping, but the simultaneous craving for more

[cyanide-teardrops]

Why do I still feel so lonely... like I'm just existing stationary while everything around me is moving

I want to bl33d

[cyanide-teardrops]

All my friends are losing weight...

I'm the fat one now. Might actually motivate my fat ass to keep going

[cyanide-teardrops]

I wanna scream at my mom when she comments on what I eat, but its good motivation to st4rv...