#shedblur

[cyanide-teardrops]

Kaya's Back to Basics ~ Start Date: 10th of Feb

Made my own plan for the next 4 weeks to kick-start my wl cuz not a lot has changed so far this year

Hopefully I'll be doing daily logs of my intake and exercise ♡

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Bit of a story time for anyone who wants to read lol. I wanted to write this down cuz I guess its a memory I want to remember.

Had to go to the hospital last week to get 🪡 and I had a surprisingly positive experience compared to past ones.

Despite it being busy and having to wait 5 hours to be seen, the doctor took the time to sit with me and listen to what I had to say when she asked what led up to me coming in. She was only validating in her responses, and she didn't rush me.

When she did the numbing the angel also waited a few minutes after the first jab for it to start to work before doing the rest. In my past experiences they've gone in and done it as quickly as they could which is quite painful, but this time after the first I barely felt the rest.

She had to leave and two junior doctors did the 🪡, but both of them were very kind as well.

Maybe the fact that I didn't go in during a crisis and I was fairly calm meant I got a better response? I know all hospital experiences aren't going to be positive, I've had horrible ones myself, but it's nice to know that there are doctors who do genuinely want to help.

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It's like they're trying to tell me they don't want me around. Like they'd be relieved if I stopped responding.

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The relief while sw1ping, but the simultaneous craving for more

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Why do I still feel so lonely... like I'm just existing stationary while everything around me is moving

I want to bl33d

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♱⛧Back to Basics⛧♱

~ Day 10: 19/2/25

-------------------⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆-------------------

~ 𝒲ℯ𝒾ℊ𝒽𝓉: 79.0𝓀ℊ

~ ℬℳℐ: 27.7

~ 𝒮𝓉ℯ𝓅𝓈: 1,018

~ 𝒯ℴ𝓉𝒶𝓁 𝒞𝒶𝓁: 207 (goal - fast (Day 10 & 11 swapped around))

~ 𝒻𝒶𝓈𝓉: 20 hours 49 mins

-------------------⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆-------------------

ℬ𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝒻𝒶𝓈𝓉: ~ Nil

ℒ𝓊𝓃𝒸𝒽: ~ Nil

���𝒾𝓃𝓃ℯ𝓇: ~ Chicken & carrot - 207

𝒮𝓃𝒶𝒸𝓀𝓈: ~ Nil

-------------------⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆-------------------

I decided to swap around the days because it worked better for me to fast today instead of tomorrow as tomorrow I will be going out to the movies.

Still haven't managed to fast for a full day yet. I got close, but I need to do better. I gave in and had a little bit of dinner.

[cyanide-teardrops]

♱⛧Back to Basics⛧♱

~ Day 9: 18/2/25

-------------------⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆-------------------

~ 𝒲ℯ𝒾ℊ𝒽𝓉: 79.7𝓀ℊ

~ ℬℳℐ: 27.9

~ 𝒮𝓉ℯ𝓅𝓈: 8,575

~ 𝒯ℴ𝓉𝒶𝓁 𝒞𝒶𝓁: 994 (goal 900)

~ 𝒻𝒶𝓈𝓉: 18 hours 15 mins

-------------------⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆-------------------

ℬ𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝒻𝒶𝓈𝓉: ~ Nil

ℒ𝓊𝓃𝒸𝒽: ~ Coffee with lactose free milk, protein yogurt, grain twists - 214

𝒟𝒾𝓃𝓃ℯ𝓇: ~ Gluten free chicken schnitzel, sweet potato chips - 390

𝒮𝓃𝒶𝒸𝓀𝓈: ~ Rice cakes, jelly - 144

-------------------⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆-------------------

I made it out of 80's jail!!! Not letting it get my guard down too much tho cuz I've only just hit it.

Went a bit over my food goal, but I managed to keep my dinner portions fairly low.

Had hip hop class tonight and it was very fun, although it does make me sweat a tonne. Hoping when I lose more I'll start to sweat less.

[cyanide-teardrops]

♱⛧Back to Basics⛧♱

~ Day 8: 17/2/25

-------------------⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆-------------------

~ 𝒲ℯ𝒾ℊ𝒽𝓉: 𝟪𝟢.7𝓀ℊ

~ ℬℳℐ: 𝟤𝟪.3

~ 𝒮𝓉ℯ𝓅𝓈: 8,963

~ 𝒯ℴ𝓉𝒶𝓁 𝒞𝒶𝓁: 954 (goal 1000)

~ 𝒻𝒶𝓈𝓉: 16 hours 7 mins

-------------------⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆-------------------

ℬ𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝒻𝒶𝓈𝓉: ~ Protein yogurt, grain twists - 239

ℒ𝓊𝓃𝒸𝒽: ~ Egg fried rice - 438

𝒟𝒾𝓃𝓃ℯ𝓇: ~ Nil

𝒮𝓃𝒶𝒸𝓀𝓈: ~ Rice cakes, chocolate, jelly - 277

-------------------⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆-------------------

Got back on track again, my lunch was leftover from takeout my partner got over the weekend so I estimated it and added a few more cals to my calculations.

Started a tap class for the first time in years. I was a little out of my depth but it was fun so I'm gonna try and keep going. It's also very easy to get your steps up doing tap aha.

[cyanide-teardrops]

♱⛧Back to Basics⛧♱

~ Day 7: 16/2/25

-------------------⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆-------------------

~ 𝒲ℯ𝒾ℊ𝒽𝓉: ???𝓀ℊ

~ ℬℳℐ: ???

~ 𝒮𝓉ℯ𝓅𝓈: 1,084

~ 𝒯ℴ𝓉𝒶𝓁 𝒞𝒶𝓁: 831 (goal 1,000)

~ 𝒻𝒶𝓈𝓉: Not recorded

-------------------⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆-------------------

ℬ𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝒻𝒶𝓈𝓉: ~ 4 Cocktail frankfurters, iced coffee - 356

ℒ𝓊𝓃𝒸𝒽: ~ Nil

𝒟𝒾𝓃𝓃ℯ𝓇: ~ Nil

𝒮𝓃𝒶𝒸𝓀𝓈: ~ Chickadees - 475

-------------------⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆-------------------

Kept today a bit more low-key than yesterday, managed to stay under my goal. Didn't get my steps in as I was recovering from last night.

Honestly not much else to say other than I didn't realise how many cals a bag of puffy chips has (Chickadees are kind of the same consistency as cheese puffs). Very misleading

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FYI I know I've fallen behind on my logs, I wasn't following my plan the best over the weekend and I've written down everything I ate but I need to work out how much everything was and I haven't had the time to sit down to do that yet 😪

I've got everything recorded from today so once I get over the hurdle of the weekend I'll be back to regularly posting

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I know we're only a few days in, but 2025 is the year I lock in. I've already stopped eating gluten and dairy and started preparing my own food, but after I finish up uni this week I'm gonna go back into counting more accurately, working out and blogging on here more

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Picked up crochet again, it's been helping me distract from cravings

Right now I'm making some gloves for a family friend who's going through chemo, I wanted to use something that would be soft on skin so I dug out a nice ball of cashmere yarn I've been saving for a while

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Been awake for 38 hours now, kinda tempted to try and make it to 40. My eyes feel puffy and my joints and muscles hurt, but unless I lay down for too long I don't feel like I'm going to fall asleep. I feel really foggy, and I think I'm starting to hallucinate a bit. It starts off as seeing shadows that look like bugs scuttling away, but now they're more defined. Its putting me on edge

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I want to give up on everything, just lay in bed and rot forever, but pushing myself is all I've ever known how to do, its all I've been taught. I keep pushing until I break, because I'm scared of failure.

I just want it to stop