#even when i know no one is gonna judge me
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Zelda: Light Enraged
A version of TOTK Zelda where Zelda; upon losing Sonia, snaps, temporarily forsaking her guiding principles of kindness and wisdom in a blind attempt to take out the man who keeps taking away everything she loves.
(little Free writing excerpt below for view into the Mindset of this little au.) (it's gonna be cringe but I gotta share the brainrot with someone. Don't worry it will be below the keep reading line.) (there's a reason I'm an artist not a writer)
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Red. Red like the tainted moon that bathed the world with its horrid light.
Red like Sonia's blood that now stained the late queen's gown.
Red that flowed onto Zelda's arms as she held a woman who she held the lifeless body of one she had come to see almost like a mother close.
Red like the light shining from the now crimson moon that reflected off the tears pouring down Zelda's face as her chest tightened and her body became paralyzed with grief.
Red like the Demon on the Balcony, laughing in victory at it all.
Despite the Demons horrid laugh and shrieking of monsters as they came to life echoed in this distance, Zelda could only hear silence as reality seemed to come to a halt as she looked upon the late queen. It was as if reality was closing in around her, the weight of all her past mistakes holding her like chains. It was as if she was not only looking at Sonia, but Daruk, Mipha, Urbosa, Revali, and even her own father. It was as if they were all looming over her judging her for her inability to save anyone she loved. Zelda snapped back to reality momentarily as Rauru call out to Sonia as he entered the room. "You are too late Rauru." the demon said, Self-satisfaction dripping from his voice. "You took for granted the god-like power you had in your hands. Do you see the potential you squandered? As for her, she is merely the first victim of your arrogance." The words were aimed at Rauru, but neither king could how the words would strike the other person still in the room. Taking one hand from Sonia, Zelda slowly reached for the Secret Stone that lay on her chest. This was no demon in front of them, and it definitely was no god. It was just a power-hungry brute who was flaunting stolen might. Might she and Rauru still had. Might that rightfully belonged to sonia. "You tried to control me, Rauru, and you will die knowing that you failed." Ganondorf laughed as he ready to fire his dark magic as the group. "No." the word was barely a breath as it escaped Zelda. "What was that?" Ganon sneered in disgust "I said No" Zelda repeated as she started to stand, "We have given you mercy and in turn you have taken everything we love. Despite your aggression, we gave you mercy, but that is not a mistake we will make again. It is my duty to protect Hyrule, and that's exactly what Intend to do." The smile on Ganondorfs face twisted into a sick grin as the small woman rose and began to approach, "If that is your wish, I would love to see you try." And fired off the spell he had been preparing.
The dark blast approached Zelda, but just as it would consume her, the growing light from the Secret Stone between her fingers deflected it like a shield. When the darkness and smoke cleared, the once gentle Zelda standing had taken on a new appearance; one as powerful as the demon king standing before her and as dark as her rage.
Rauru called out to her but she could no longer hear. For the time being he or she had become just as lost to him as the late queen. Though he didn't want Rauru knew he had to retreat without Zelda, and though he may be able to lay Sonia to rest, a part of him feared that Zelda may never rest again so long as Ganondorf yet lived. He just hoped that perhaps Zelda's lapse in judgement may yet buy him enough time to rally the nations to aid their fight to save Hyrule, and hopefully save Zelda as well.
#Legend of Zelda#Loz#Zelda#Fanart#Totk#AU#Apologies for long text. you have to understand that this idea has been haunting me.#long text
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more quick ~BROPPY HEADCANONSSS~
If Branch ever wants Poppy over for a sleepover, he will invite her over late and then come up with some dumb excuse for her to stay the night ( "it's too dark and dangerous" ect...) and Poppy will play dumb bc she also wants to stay
Branch and Poppy are having a daughter. Change my mind.
Sometimes, the two will promise not to go too overboard when it comes to giving gifts, but then they go overboard trying not to go overboard, and end up getting each other crazy gifts anyway.
Branch is usually the one to say "I love you" while Poppy is the one to jump onto him and kiss him to show him how she feels
Branch loves to kiss Poppy on the nose, while she'll kiss the palms of his hands (idk why, I can just see them doing it shut up and don't judge me😭)
Poppy never stays in one spot while cuddling - she loves to wiggle around and find comfier ways to be closer to her bf
Branch will always point her out if she's on the sidelines while he's singing with the band, whether it's actually pointing, a wink, a blown kiss, or a sweet smirk and she always knows if it's for her.
Their future daughter is going to resemble Branch the most. Change my mind.
Branch always kisses Poppy goodnight - not sure if I wrote this one or not before, but it's important enough that I can write it again if I need to.
When the band goes on tours, Poppy always spams Branch with letters, until the day she sees him again and tackles him to the floor with kisses and hugs
See number 2. It's going to happen.
Branch can SOMETIMES be convinced to sing his girlfriend to sleep, but he doesn't ever admit it.
See number 8. Just spreading the truth, it's not even a hc at this point, YA HEAR ME DREAMWORKS ITS GONNA HAPPEN!!!
Oh, c'mon. We already KNOW who wins all their arguements.🔥
These aren't that good, but feel free to use any of you want! :3
I rlly want to write down dem Cliva HCs next, but once I find time lol.
#trolls band together#dreamworks trolls#trolls 3#brozone#trolls branch#broppy#trolls poppy#humor#poppy and branch#branch x poppy#branch#branch trolls#poppy trolls#queen poppy#trolls broppy#broppy parent au#broppy kiss#trolls hcs#trolls headcanons#headcanon#your welcome#:33333#trolls brozone
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Politics, Love, and Uneasiness
So elections happened and I am uncomfortable. Donald Trump is president and I, like many others, hate him. He is a sexist, racist, classist maniac. Politics is important to me. I know people say there is no right and wrong and everyone has a right to their opinion but I'm sorry, so many people are wrong. Twisted.
What is right is that people should be equal and there should be separation of religion and government which republicans have a hard time understanding. Gay people aren't hurting anyone. Immigrants aren't hurting anyone. Muslim people aren't hurting anyone. Black people aren't hurting anyone. Women should be able to choose whether or not they want to keep an already dead baby in them or not.
My girlfriend- who is not really my girlfriend but my ex but we still love each other bla bla don't judge me- didn't vote. To some degree, I feel responsible. I joked that what was I gonna do, force her? I already tried to stop her from being friends with a guy, who sold his ex's nudes without her permission, but she looked so lonely and pathetic and she went back to being friends with him anyway so I stopped trying to force my mindset on her. She told me I should have educated her and pushed her to vote. I told her that maybe I should have, but it was also not my responsibility. If she didn't vote that was her own choice. Maybe she didn't think that it was her problem. She is a rich Asian Christian girl anyway. She never had to work for anything in her life. I'm taking my disappointment and frustration out on her but can you blame me? I'm a poor brown Muslim girl.
And like I said, I am a poor brown Muslim girl. What will happen to me and my family in the future? I rely on a government grant to get through college and I was hoping my brother could go to college with the same grant. College is so insanely expensive it is UNFAIR. no one can defend the prices of colleges. Anyway,
Can someone tell me I'm not crazy for being upset with her when she keeps defending Trump and her dad for voting for Trump? How are you gay and not mad? That just wreaks of privilege. I bet her dad is happy as hell that he'll be getting a tax cut. I am so over this. governments are corrupt. What did I really expect?
I just have a big fear of the world ending and goddd pleaseeee someone tell me that we'll be ok. poor folk. people of color. tell me we will be ok.
This is my journal entry for now thanks for reading if anyone even is.
I'm out :3 with love!
#politics#love#queer#saphic#lgbtq#election 2024#us elections#kamala harris#donald trump#blog#journal#journal entry#spiritual journey
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I think a lot of people don't or can't understand how limiting it is to be unable to do shit in front of others
#cylas speaks#any hobby that requires or would benefit from classes or workshops? sports? going to the fucking gym?#if im lucky ill just have a minor anxiety attack that i might be possible to be talked through#but most of the time i just freeze#ill know what to do and want to do it even but my body just refuses#even when i know no one is gonna judge me#social anxiety
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The Lamb is malicious in a funny way and the Goat is funny in a malicious way. No, I will not elaborate.
Anyway, everyone give thanks to the Lamb for interrupting what was sure to be a very boring and patronizing PSA from their grouchy cat hubby. Truly, they are doing God's work. Granted, the Lamb canonically is God now, so, uh. Mostly they're just doing their own work.
Speaking of their grouchy cat hubby, yes this is absolutely still Narilamb, Narinder is 100% into his goofy-ass spouse always no matter what and we all know it, he just wasn't expecting his brand new adopted kid to share the same single goofy-ass brain cell as the Lamb. :)
#fanart#comics#cult of the lamb#cotl#narilamb the goat AU lmao#cotl narinder#cotl lamb#cotl goat#did i look up a photo of billy the kid to base the goat's outfit off of?#i plead the fifth your honor#for real tho guys#rams and lambs are for sheep#for goats you want bucks and billies#or if you're afabing your goat - does and nannies#(tho to be fair ram IS sometimes accepted for male goats also? instructions unclear on that front tbh)#also don't worry - i am never gonna be all YOU GOTTA USE THESE TERMS OR YOU'RE DUMB AND BAD#it just kinda makes me giggle when i see mixed up animal deets#don't even get me STARTED on cat deets tho lmao#if i had a nickel for every time i saw a fanfic writer give narinder a knot#i would have two nickels#which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice#at least the one where he was a wolf instead of a cat because the author didn't KNOW he was a cat made sense LOL#yeah i'm over here outing all the lemon fics i read idgaf#if you know which fics i'm talking about you can't even judge me anyway cuz we both been at the same devil's sacrament#i should go to bed
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hi i made a tier list of how homophobic rezero characters are
hello in the spirit of valentine's day and the very welcoming community here on rezero tumblr i decided to make this with the help of my lovely mutuals.
#anyway heres some fun little explanations if youd like to read:#otto has. so much internalized shit going on i dont even know where to begin. not as severe as like subaru fr and def not in the same way a#whatevers happening with ferris but like by the time u get to arc 8 hes a total shitshow LJSLDKF#like ottos. transphobic. canonically. with natsumi schwartz. and then hes def got More going on bc his attachment style is soo....#wilhelm and heinkel i think would def be homophobic outside of reinhard/reinhard related things but its funnier to describe it like that ok#and either way the main target of their homophobia is gonna be reinhard LMAO#oni elders suck ok. theyd all be homophobic#rams got a strong case of comphet rn but when she doesnt have comphet shes chillin with subarus gf and having wlw mlm hostility with subaru#and otto. the entire judges your taste tier is all insane teen girls or frufoo and patrasche (who DEFINITELY judge otto and subarus taste)#frufoo patrasche are like that one reddit post about that one guys dog being homophobic after seeing their owner get topped in gay sex#also als in that tier bc al.#alcor is technically subaru but he gets to be a tier lower than subaru bc. hes also not technically subaru its very complicated but#at least he doesnt have the entire boy drama subaru has LSJDF#reids iconic line is the ones where he calls julisuba boyfriends u know. its extremely iconic.#a dear mutual of mine has informed me tivey is in lol ok while his triplet siblings wouldnt know what being gay is which LKJDSLFSD thats#fucking funny i had to do it#id argue satella is in lol ok bc she lets subaru do almost anything ok. this includes being terribly into men. she knows shes got his heart#either way. and also elsa dont care unless it affects how ur guts taste#rems reaction is gonna be lol ok unless its subaru coming out to her. then shes gonna have some Mixed Feelings#rezero#re:zero#i forgot to add but u could def argue garf knows what being gay is bc his two older brothers are just Like That#but also neither of his brothers would be caught dead explaining what being gay is to him
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:c
#i luv my friends ;-; i feel like i’m gonna lose my mind when i’m not living right by all my friends lmao 😭#i’ve literally been hanging out w ppl like at least every other day if not every day#we made semi spontaneous plan to go to pride tmrwwweww 🥹🥹 i’m excited#i just am so happy that i get to spend sm time w ppl rn bc we’re all somewhat free bc summer 😭#also idk i was just thinking abt this recently but like#it’s kinda new to me to like actually be comfortable/confident in knowing my friends want/like my presence ;-;#even then i’m not that confident LMAO bc after sm time together i’m like surely they’ll get sick of me#like we’ve seen each other every day the past like three days#but no 🥹 ugh like idk man i had one elementary to sort of middle and high school friendship#that like fucked me up i feel like lmfao 💀#like girl sidelined me so much for other friends that i just#:l and cried so much bc of that 😀 anyway 😀#so like idk i’m just so grateful rn 😭😭😭#also was thinking abt it recently bc my mom made me feel judged/ made me feel like she was annoyed that i was staying here on campus#when i technically don’t need to and my main/only reason is bc friends#and after that conversation w her i got kinda annoyed bc i was like#i have had so many conversations w you where i was sad af or frustrated that my friends wouldn’t reach out to me ever#or my friend who never paid attention to me when other friends were around#like i don’t think she’s actually judging like me staying for friends but it was that one conversation we were both kinda annoyed idk#and i was just like . pls#anyway 😀 i always have so many friend thoughts i always be overthinking it LOL#anyway anyway i need to be up in like 6 hrs LOLLLLLL pride tho yay 🥰🥰🥰#rip me not having clean cute clothes for this LOL 🤪#ong last yr i tied my hair in a ponytail w like rainbow hair ties tied down the ponytail……#idk if i have those but if i do maybe i should do that again LOL#idk might be too lazy tho we’ll see how much time i have to get ready when i wake up 🤡#jeanne talks#TOO MUCH BYE
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#oh wow...#i just had an oh shit fuck moment#wow#i usually complain about the one therapist i had in my entire life and how she wouldn't just listen to what i was saying#if it didn't fit her textbook definition of whatever she was thinking at the time#and how i talked to her about my anxiety and how that made me feel and she would only focus on how i acted#so the example i gave her was the one time i went into a shop to buy something by myself#because my mom didn't want to go in for me and arguing with my mom in front of the shop in public and then inevitably have to#go in myself either way was way worse to me#because of the embarrassement of arguing in public. the fact that my mom was gonna spend the entire walk home telling me how i have to#''just suck it up and learn and just overcome my anxiety because i don't have a problem'' or whatever#and then having to go into the shop where the lady had been watching me from inside the entire time how i clearly didn't want to go in#and possibly be even more awkward with teary eyes because of the anxiety and awkwardness i already bring to the table any day...#all of those things that were going inside my head were trumped by the fact that i did go in and did buy what i needed#although my heart was coming out of my chest the entire time... all that didn't matter to my therapist because in her words:#''if you had anxiety. you simply wouldn't have gone in''#which is ridiculous#but anyways... i just had an epiphany... that was masking wasn't it?#forcing myself to do something that brings me major discomfort to make my mother and the shop lady not judge me?#pretend i'm a normal human being just doing normal things instead of someone who's about to have a heart attack buying embroidery thread?#panicking the entire time because i wasn't prepeared and hadn't scripted the entire transaction in my head?#yet still going in and putting on my ''normal person'' mask to try to seem like i wasn't just dying seconds ago (and still was)?#isn't that literally what masking is?!#and the ''autism specialist'' ass therapist was like ''if you did it then you don't have a problem''#when i'm literally telling her how much of a problem it actually WAS?!#you know what's the best part about all this#that when i told my mom after i left that therapist that she didn't listen to me because [insert everything above]#my mom's response was ''well sometimes therapist will say things that you don't want to hear but you have to accept them''....#same woman who's always saying how much she hates therapists because they ''will say whatever and pretend they know shit''#ok so it's only The Truth when I tell you it isn't...
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*said with increasing distress, eyes blodshot and an empty mug in hand* you guys remember writing right????? you guys remember posting fic and publishing things and talking to editors about potential projects right???? you guys remember being creative in your creative jobs and not just rereading old work and having a panic attack over the time wasted over curating hyperspecific character playlists that you get mad about five minutes later right????? i'm not insane right????? creative block is normal even if it lasts for months right???? i haven't written a fic in YEARS but it's ok i'm ok i have to finish TWO original pieces for next week that I haven't even started but it'll probably be fineeeee I'm totally not being a complete and raving lunatic about it it's probably gonna be okay <3 yay <3
#AND I STILL HAVEN'T APPLIED FOR MY NEW SHOW IN THEATRES ?1!!!!???? AJAAGAGAHAHAHFGH#BABYGIRL I CAN BE DRY IN WAYS YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE FOR PROJECTS THAT ARE ALREADY EVEN PLANNED OUT#the words just won't come out idk#ok so i attended one of the most prestigious universities in the country re: my field of expertise and carefully improved in my craft#just to go into a creative field and be an unemployed fuckhead who won't even write#i mean I am ALSO an academic that is very much true as well. but you don't really earn money from that either now do you#especially not in humanities#anyway. i need to go wash some dishes#it'll be fine probably i just need to lock tf in#it sucks being the one in the relationship that has no job no money no prospects and is already a burden to their parents#like literally they're being very nasty about it and like i know they care about me and stuff but they are very much. not supportive#it doesn't mean they're openly hating on it tbh i think they've given up on trying to disagree with my life choices and atp they just judge#when i'm not there. but evidently i find out anyway because of course i do#tbh won't complain about the lack of open support though like it's cool you disapprove of my relationship and my work and my life overall#ok rant over i'm big now. i'm an adult#ACTUALLY should i write a paper on disco elysium maybe that'd cheer me up. DON'T ask me how de is cheerful it isn't#my brain just works in mysterious ways#also gonna write an essay on my relationship with god. and get it published. probably gonna quote dostoievski a couple times as well. maybe#who give a fuck anymore man people these days can write ANYTHING. i love being alive in a world where printing is a thing. also computers#personal
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when i love someone i WANT to learn abt their past traumas, their insecurities nd pain so that i can learn how to love them right. i want to understand how i should treat, reassure and comfort them. i want to learn their love languages so i can love them the way they need
#but why.... does no one ever want to do that for me?#i always have to bend and reshape so im as little bothersome as possible#and ppl always say stuff like omg u need to communicate nd u need to tell them blah blah blah#ok but what abt when u actually do all of that but no one listens to u????#i actually do communicate my needs. very clearly#yet... im never heard or listened to#am i just not worth that??? idk.. i dont get it#i just ache to be loved the way i love. bc i know that i love wholly and profoundly#but im gonna run out if i cant receive the love that i need#:((((#also it just hurts to be so understanding and supportive and want ppl to be comfortable#but then i dont get to take up any space or i dont get to have needs#i should only listen but never ask for anything in return#it just sucks#have i done smth wrong??? or am i just an awful person? delusional?#bc i have NEVER been in a space where im safe to express my feelings#not w my family. not friends. not even my therapists lmao (theyve also criticized nd judged me)#so im starting to think that maybe i actually am wrong#maybe if everywhrre i go im met by this. maybe i just need to suck it up#and be grateful for whatever scraps of love im thrown#bc clearly i am doing smth wrong!!!!!!
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i realized how much it scares me that my mind will convince itself of even the ugliest things if i start thinking them often enough and it's... yeah. like i had a good session with my psychiatric rehabilitation therapist i think it was very useful but then at the end i got hit by this feeling of fear... like i'm so scared of myself and how low i can get
#like i convinced myself the only way to deal with my pain and my problems was to attempt suicide so people would know i was suffering#bc i wasn't able to tell them#and i really really for real believed it and i did exactly that and it's very scary to think my mind can get so twisted and believe these#distorted versions of reality or twisted ways to get what i need or all the negative things i think of myself#and like i guess this is just part of working on getting rid of these beliefs. that i'm realising just how deep in them i am and that it#scares me#but it's not a nice feeling. i'm really trying not to judge myself for it that's not useful. i'm still learning how to not judge myself#for every little thing but god it's hard i'm so used to thinking i'm too much or not enough or too emotional or too stupid or inadequate et#just every bad thing under the sun#but even trying my hardest to mantain like a non judgmental view of this issue... the fear is the hardest part rn#it's just... i don't even know who i am? and that's also something we're gonna work on and started to a little#but i don't know who i am and so i just believe abt myself whatever the situation leads me to believe. whatever my bpd leads me to believe#whatever others lead me to believe#and the last one especially is perhaps my biggest issue. i don't know myself and i don't like what “myself” currently is and i live for#other people i live to please others i do things so others will like me or at least not dislike me so i can hate myself less#and really that's no way to live. and this is something this therapist is making me realize and understand#but it's just seriously so.... scary all of this all of this realizing i'm just an empty vessel that i fill up depending on the person i'm#interacting with and that i am.. nothing. like not nothing but like nico is not a formed person. i have molded myself to other ppl's tastes#and needs and if i try to look beyond that there's just this void or at least this question mark#i don't think i have like no personality? but well i do have a personality disorder so that's fucked me up! and it's! aaaa!!#if i think about the things i have convinced myself of by sheer repeating thek to myself all the time in my dark moments...idk#and like it was manageable when the dark moments had reduced and i was relatively okay. but as soon as i got bad again... oh#it started being a constant bombardment of negative talk to myself abt myself and a constant telling myself#well pretty much that there is no worth to be found inside myself. so unless this pain somehow goes away by itself i'll kill myself#that was basically my train of thought every day multiple times a day for months and months#that is scary!!!!!!!! that is so!!!! i'm so#sorry this is a mess. i'm trying not to cry bc i'm at my parents' house and my father's around but. yeah. just lots of feelings#and again it's probably normal i mean talking about these things is good! but feelings are bound to arise and some are hard to deal with#suicide tw#sorry i forgot the tw in my being upset in the moment
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quite interesting how someone ive never met and probably never will meet knows me better than anyone else
#just a load of garbage#really says something about me doesnt it#me and my trust issues#i mean if someone doesnt know who i am they can't judge me#the only person whos come remotely close to knowing me that well is sarah#then behind her is jade#god i miss jade#im literally seeing her on sunday but chances are she'll be the same as last time#ignoring me bc her phone is more interesting#anywho#can we just notice how the only person ive trusted since december is someone i dont know#hm what happened in december i wonder#oh yeah#my auntie got killed#and why did she get killed#cos she went to israel#which i found out when?#after she'd been dead for weeks#maybe i dont trust people cos it seems like no one trusts me#even though i know they do#or at least i think they do#god who even knows at this point#i sure as hell dont#oh did i tell yall ive started praying again#everythings gone to shit so may as well hope for divine intervention#probably wont work but gonna try anyway#maybe the big dude in the sky does care after all#dont mind me yall
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told my mom about the tour bc i wanted to talk about it and she asked who was on tour and i said "... fall out boy" and her immediate reaction was "SERIOUSLY??" so maybe i was right to hide me liking their music from my family for about 16 months
#crunchyposts#fob#theres a REASON im scared of telling people my interests and apparently its them </333#yeah i havent told them at all that i like fob#i just go a little insane inside when i hear sugar in public#me ventilating#same woman who laughed when i said pjo > hp but like. whos laughing now mother#honestly worst part is. it made me forget for a second why i love their music#like i havent cried to their songs a hundred times#like one of my favorite songs isnt permanently on their setlist for a tour i wanted to talk about#if i ever got a lyric tattoo it would be 'for futures that never came and for pasts that we're never gonna change'#a lyric FROM THEIR LATEST ALBUM#god this just pisses me off this is why i didnt tell you.#i love their music. idk what gives you the right to judge me for it when you dont even know what songs theyve made#it just felt like i was the little undiagnosed autistic girl feeling silly that they thought their special interest was better than the#super popular thing that my parents loved again
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Fumbled the social interaction 💔
#I never know if I’m overstepping or being overbearing or not doing enough and not trying hard when it comes to smth important#like how close is close enough to go ‘hey I think you need help for X problem!’#like weve known eachother for two years atp but also it’s a long distance friendship and I’m scared for her like babe this is NOT healthy#but I’m not judging her and I don’t want her to think I am#but them when smth potentially dangerous happens I don’t think I put enough weight into my reaction? so she might think i don’t care?#I’m talking about one specific situation rn but this has been happening for the past Few weeks 😭#like my mom will text me smth and my response will be dry#or my friend will ask for advice and I’ll just go into a full blown essay#a causal friend too like…#and i wish theyd just tell me 😭#like ‘i don’t want advice rn I want u to listen’#or ‘hey i need u to be blunt about this but don’t mention x specifically’#and problem is that I AM working on going ‘what do you need as a response rn?’#but not only do I have the most unfortunate motormouth but I type before I think too#so I respond dry as hell and then like an hour later I’m like ‘oh shit did you want advice?’#BUT ITS TOO LATE TO ASK#vent#I’m gonna kms#ig#it’s not even a vent fr#I’m not upset just nervous#I weigh every single relationship like a sims interaction#all I’m seeing are those minus signs above my head whenever I do anything
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ahsjkds rant/vent in the tags
#i fucking LOVE having to hug my friend as they sob bc our rights r actively being revoked#i’m literally 16 years old. i don’t even have my permit yet.#it shouldn’t be up to us kids. i shouldn’t have to tell them that we’ll fix it and make it all ok one day#it’s not that fucking hard to let trans people exist. it’s really not.#and yet#i just. ughajdnfjkw#they were sobbing. and all i could do was promise that i’d try and fix it.#i’m pissed and tired and upset and all i can do about it is hope that my emails and club speeches actually do something while i wait#there are wonderful adults who are fighting for us and i cherish them greatly#but that doesnt change the fact that the government - the very people i was raised to believe we’re there to protect me - is actively#passing laws in favor of my suicide.#and the only thing i can do about it in the meantime is comfort my friends and hope they give my email the light of day#it’ll be okay. we can fix this and save our community. i know we can.#i just wish this wasn’t something we have to do in the first place#this is gonna sound indelicate but i wish i still flinched when getting called a faggot#i’m not sure if this makes sense but it feels like i lost something when i started teaching myself to remain neutral in the face of bigotry#i want to be mad and upset but instead i’m carefully crafting how im perceived and judged at every moment#where’s the justice in me forcing myself to watch bigoted videos at the age of 14 so i wouldn’t be caught off guard or shocked when harassed#tell me where the fuck the justice is in that.#sorry for all this rambling i’m just upset
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not to be dramatic but I literally feel like I’m going insane lol
#first of all I must acknowledge the percy of it all. I don’t know how many of you are reading those posts and honestly I’m not conveying#how I feel very well but I’m so deadly serious when I say I feel sick when I think about those books and not even in a bad way necessarily#just nauseous whatever. second most pressing issue is the whole “am I going to drop out transfer suck it up or kill myself”#okay I’m really not considering that last one I have to live to see dani in july but I haven’t the slightest clue what I’m gonna do next#year. on one hand I hope this school explodes on the other transferring sounds so unfun but back to the first hand I hate this city#and I hope it explodes to and I have nobody I know to live with off campus next year and tbh I would rather die than live w sarah suitemate#which brings us to sarah suitemate. how in the hell is my only friend in this god forsaken city like kind of subtly homophobic#In addition to kind of being a bad fucking person. like lol! yes ladies six months deep with no other friends and I Am that desperate#also it’s the very beginning of the quarter and I kind of hate all my classes. okay I know they just started and it’s very early to judge#but I already feel like I’m going crazy I preferred my other two quarters where I was eating literally 12 credits I was satisfied with that#I’m just scared and lonely can I say that outright is it embarrassing to admit that outright at 11am on tumblr#the only thing that gives me comfort genuinely is just repeating that “everything works out in the end” saying bc I really do believe that#even though I hope my closest friend within a reasonable radius of me drops dead and I’m directionless and I want to kill myself#whenever I think about the book I’m reading it will all be okay#anyways time to eat the pastry I got from the campus market is not a good time to tell you guys I didn’t eat breakfast or could you tell#carmen.txt
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