#even though she’s retired and literally has no obligation to be there

[demigirl-demigod]

I’m so sick of being the only fucking person in this family who has their shit together

[snorkling-in-sodasea]

Thoughts about Sinsmas

Well, I was right. Stolas got more called out than ever but Blitz immediately swooped in to comfort him and take care of him, like he did throughout the entire episode. Even though literally the only thing Stolas ever thanks Blitzo for is saving his life. Not cooking him every bit of breakfast food they had so that Stolas could still eat something, not giving Stolas a job to ensure he still has money of his own, getting Stolas whatever he wants and even resorting to stealing it to make sure he gets it... Seriously, Stolas is repeatedly called the nice guy. Well, wouldn't nice guys not seem so judgmental about their host's graciousness and actually thank them for everything they've done? But no, Stolas only took note of saving his life so he highly likely thinks that it's the only thing that counts. Seriously, that damn bird is seeming more and more to me like my mother's side of the family. They say things like 'we're trying to take care of you' or 'call us any time' but then they turn around and do shit like badmouth my dad and obviously act like he doesn't count as my dad just because we're not related by blood (he's the actual dad of some of my brothers so that's why we still see each other, if this explanation is actually needed). Oh, geez, my grandmother especially hated that I called Dad 'dad' and she insisted - yelled, even if we semi-separated via sitting in a car - that my real dad is the same guy who tried telling me that caring about the brothers who aren't biologically his sons is solely Mom's job. (Okay, that's not his exact words, but that was the gist of what my birth father was saying).

But yeah, Stolas is reminding me more of my mom's side of the family because any 'love' I get from them is lip service. Anything good I get from them is material items that they bother giving me because they're obligated to or because they hope to butter me up for something they want from me. They've proven time and time again that they'll care more about themselves than they ever will me. Well, I still can't think of much that Stolas has done to show that he loves Octavia. Literally the list of things he's done is hug his daughter whenever she's distressed and I guess warn Striker to not go after Octavia after he implied a threat to her, even if that was the only time that Stolas thought about her during Western Energy. Also, at this point, I'm not liking how it's seeming that all the good times that Octavia has had with Stolas is just when she's a little little girl, like she's not even ten yet, by the looks of it. What about that guitar that Octavia plays in Sinsmas? Other than wanting to see Octavia play that instrument in the background earlier in the show, I can see on the back that it says 'Love Dad'. What, can't we see a time of Stolas gifting that to her, when she's bound to be older than ten? Couldn't we get any memories of good times when Octavia's over ten?

Speaking of Octavia, I thought of an episode of Invincible Fight Girl when Blitz said that Octavia will 'come around'. (God, I hate that saying ever since one of my uncles said it). But for anyone who doesn't watch the show or know about it, Invincible Fight Girl is about a girl who wants to be a wrestler. She lives in a whole world full of them, I guess like Mucha Lucha but unmasked. There's this famous retired wrestler, the girl wants the retired wrestler to be her mentor, and the would-be mentor sets up a goal to master a move called 'The Perfect Strike'. Well, the main characters go to a worn down town for any leads on accomplishing it and they meet a girl named Bertie.

Bertie wanted to take everything away from her parents so that they have nothing left to focus on but her, because apparently the parents got defeated in a match by the retired wrestler by the Perfect Strike. The parents were so devastated by the loss that they obsessed over it, thought they made a discovery to help master the move that defeated them, but divorced when they didn't see eye to eye. What's more, the divorced parents spent at least ten years having an ongoing war with each other over their differing opinions. Bertie has an ability to hulk out and she definitely did due to her anger over being neglected so heavily that she's practically abandoned.

The show has narration from time to time so there was this one line. 'Where understanding failed, hatred blossomed'. That line was aimed at Bertie failing to understand her parents focusing on wrestling far more than they did her. As in, it sounds like to me that Bertie's supposed to be understanding of being left alone all the time ever since she was a kid. Over wrestling and her parents having lost a match. Naturally, I thought of Bertie's overall situation when that line came up and I thought 'what is there to understand?'

So what's there for Octavia to understand? About Stolas frequently choosing Blitz over her, taking his time remembering she exists, and, as far as the show has actually shown me, mostly just expresses his love through saying that he loves her? Not to mention, it feels like Octavia 'has' to understand her father breaking his promise and leaving her behind like she was afraid of. Bertie and Octavia 'has' to accept having been hurt because their parents are more important

Well, screw that

(Also, I couldn't fit this in anywhere without breaking the flow, but I'm even getting tired of Stella now, definitely of Andrealphlus. Seriously, Andrea is just gay guy Stella at this point, especially since it's taken two whole seasons for Stella to ever directly talk to her own daughter on screen. Can Stella be obsessed with bathroom decorations or something? It'll be doing something that isn't laughing at Stolas's misery or being pissed off at Stolas's existence. Fuck, it'll be something outside of Stola's influence in the fucking first place. I still love Stella, definitely more than I ever will Stolas, but just have Stella do or be anything other than a Stolas hater, PLEASE!)

(Another thing I just remembered, I personally would have liked it if the client had green hair. I mean, there's already spikes on her hair like thorns and she has tree bark antlers and it is Christmas where she used to be when alive. So why not make her hair and shirt collar - which look like leaves - green? Then we would still look at her face thanks to her eyes being one of the few traces of bright red to her design and her green colors would help her stand out more from the red background)

[inadvisablebutinevitable]

“maybe one day I’ll write all my thoughts on Thea and Amalia mother-daughterisms bc the Thea brainworms are taking over.”

any chance that day is soon?? 🌝

HELLO ANON I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU YOU ARE RECEIVING SO MANY KISSES BC I LITERALLY WROTE OUT A HUGE DRAFT OF THOSE THOUGHTS AND I SAID I’LL ADD TO IT LATER AND I FORGOT!! BUT YOU REMINDED ME!! I LOVE YOU!!!

I’ll post that separately (bc boy is it long) but here’s a little… prelude, I guess, to how I imagine Thea’s relationship with Amalia starts to shape:

Thea had gone into her pregnancy knowing that she wanted a child, that she would love this child, but the fact that she is now somebody’s mother doesn’t really click until Amalia is born

she knew abt the deal Kevin had with the Moriyama’s, but she was Thea Muldani, who cares if her partner only kept 20% of his salary?

All that meant was that Kevin day was her trophy husband, which, ha. Of course it took a man like Kevin Day to be a worthy trophy husband to her. Being the main breadwinner suited Thea just fine.

and then all of a sudden there was a baby girl, all of a sudden they weren’t DINKs anymore. Ofc with a pro athlete salary they’re not exactly poor but for the first time since pre-evermore, money actually becomes something she has to consciously think about. (Especially because she gets paid less during and after her extended maternity leave)

also in my head Thea has this big plan to return full-time to Exy as soon as Amalia can get on formula, and basically be a part-time mom, full-time athlete because she’ll be damnned if all those years she spent at evermore result in her retiring early for the sake of some kid.

And then Amalia is born. And then the hospital clears them both and Amalia is a cradle strapped to the backseat of their car. And then Amalia is carried into the house and Kevin has to go take a call from the coach of south Carolina’s team (because he’s trying to move closer to Wymack) and Thea is alone with this child that’s hers and all of her plans and hormones are being whipped around in a blender.

In the end, even though Amalia was born the end of the off season specifically so that Thea’s maternity leave wouldn’t cause problems during the season, Thea kind of has to reconcile the image she had in her mind with the truth of being responsible for a whole human being. One she loves. She asks Kevin to take the season off instead of her, but he’s scared shitless of the moriyamas and doesn’t want to deal with the fallout of not getting paid for a whole season.

They hire a maid and a nanny and plan to rely on the hired staff and Wymack, but in the end, Thea strikes a deal with her team to keep her contract while taking the first half of the season off.

However, because she had assured them multiple times that she wouldn’t extend her leave, she’s in a tough bargaining position and ends up getting a huge reduction of her salary. They also do not agree to extend her contract, (which she specifically requested so that they wouldn’t have to move to another state with a toddler when her contract ends in two years)

the decision to stay was hard, but ultimately decided when Thea gets a panic attack the first time she goes to practice with her team and gets a call from the nanny that Amalia was coughing so hard she couldn’t sleep. (Amalia was fine of course they went to a doctor but Thea was traumatized)

and the thing is for Thea this was a huge sacrifice. She really believes that she gave up a huge part of her career for her child and she did! But it kind of shapes the way she sees Amalia going forward: as someone she loves unconditionally and will sacrifice for, but let it be known it was a sacrifice. Things like spending time with Amalia, encouraging her non-exy related hobbies, being patient with her during arguments—for her those are less of an obligation and more of a show of how far her motherly love for her daughter goes.

because empathy wasn’t really a thing in the nest and for Thea, showing empathy and compassion is something reserved as an act of love and loyalty to the people she cares about.

Of course that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have it, years of being in the pro leagues have softened her to her teammates and friends, but it’s a big thing for her, something she has to actively think about. She’s loyal to exy first, a Raven through and through. Her daughter is one of the only people that she will change this for, and to Thea that’s a big fucking deal.

in the end I think they have a really good relationship given the circumstances, but (I touch on this in the other post) it’s not without years of therapy for both of them, and screaming fights followed by week-long cold shoulders. It’s not without guilt-tripping and gaslighting and words used as knives that both of them wish they could take back. It’s not without breakdowns and panic attacks and lots of tears.

But they love each other, to an extent they understand each other, and when it’s good, it’s really really good. For Amalia her mom is still somewhere safe, home is somewhere she misses, and she’s never ever afraid to speak her mind in front of her mom because she knows the only punishment she’ll get for confrontation is the risk of a verbal fight (and maybe being grounded). When her parents go to court Amalia screams at the top of her lungs for both of them, because she knows both of them will always, always cheer for her.

[aquadestinyswriting]

I have been getting Ideas again, and this time they're related to Caitr, one of Selene and Edwin's adopted daughters.

Caitr, having been about 7-8 years old at the time she was adopted, took a keen interest in magic once she was exposed to it on a daily basis. Even though Selene is no longer Grand Magus (having retired from the position not long after the end of the DNS campaign), she is still the same, extremely accomplished wizard we all know and love. Just with way more time to spend with her family now.

So. The Idea: Caitr asks to learn more about magic around two years after being officially adopted and Selene is more than happy to oblige. Of course, Caitr asks about getting a Familiar the entire time from the word Go, but Selene tells her that it's best to at least start getting the basics down first. Caitr, being a typical 10 year old at this point has a bit of a sulk about it.

Chrackle has been watching this whole interaction from the rafters of the cottage the family lives in and has an Idea. He flies off, telling Selene that he's just going out to check on something and that he won't be long. Sel doesn't pay him much mind and lets him go. What she does mind is when Chrackle shows back up about twenty minutes later with a newly-fledged magpie chick in tow and that her eldest daughter immediately glomps onto said chick and names her Warbles. There is literally nothing Selene can do about the situation after that; the bird has been Named, so she has to stay.

Cue Chrackle being extremely pleased with himself and happily ignoring Selene yelling in his head, while Edwin just takes one look into the room, huffs out a sigh and grumbles about how expensive two of the damn birds are going to be. Bridget then starts wailing about how it's not fair that Caitr's got a pet and she hasn't because she's like, two and a half 🤣.

[randomnoteforfuturereference]

Playing with Frog sibling concepts... as well as their varying degrees of questionableness... as of spring 2018, during which they share company while watching their respective brothers aim for another national title.

_X_

Nursey's sister: Born 1990.

Heir to the family company, with several departments already under her jurisdiction even as she finishes her PhD.

Despite her STEM background, business obligations, and activism/philanthropy, she always finds time for fashion. To the point of attending the Met Gala multiple times as an invited guest and always a crowd favorite.

Avid transhumanist and already has concrete plans for cybernetic installation for herself.

Her version of taking something personal may or may not have included literal drone strikes on US soil.

_X_

Dex's brother: Born 1990.

Recently retired Apache pilot for US Army. Plans to use GI Bill to attend art school.

Bitty’s height and heterochromic. Go-to fashion sense veers between pop punk and scene. Got all the piercings once out of the military and already heavily tattooed beforehand.

Stripped and even done cam work before. Doesn't mind doing it again.

On one hand, out-Shittys Shitty in terms of being super lefty and super outspoken about it (while he was part of the gay-straight alliance is high school, Dex never came out to him). On the other, a 2nd Amendment absolutist. Joined his cousins in forming a JBGC-esque militia that runs security for protests and queer events.

_X_

Chowder's sister: Born 1998.

Undergrad at Stanford though still undecided as to her major. Not a concern to her as she already makes quite a bit of money as an influencer with a bit of crypto on the side.

Somehow fell in the "right" crowd judging by how she manages to be at every major Hollywood/Silicon Valley party. Notorious (including by tabloid outlets from the National Equirer to the Swallow) for having more tea than a Sri Lankan warehouse about West Coast social shenanigans.

Bitty follows her on social but hadn't made the connection that her brother's his teammate until they meet at the 2018 Frozen Four.

Didn't vote in 2016. Proudly detached from sociopolitical current events domestic and abroad because that's "seriously depressing and brings the energy down."

[kaengeru]

🙌

everyone hates enya. / NPC meme.   / accepting.

handler - Frank

buckle up cause this got long and wordy (and admittedly I havent proofread this in a couple months) so GOOD LUCK

With retirement finally in sight, Frank wasn't expecting a change in jobs. Primarily a desk jockey the last few years, he had planned out a quiet last few years with the FBI, tying up loose ends and keeping his head down.

The last thing he expected was a very insistent invitation for a new position, let alone through the National Security Council. To go through an odd and strenuous screening process, interview, and a final face-to-face discussion with a very strange woman. And somehow, he was the best choice.

Or, as he learned later on, the only choice; for some reason or another, he was the only one who gained some semblance of compliance.

Now that's really all he does: keep her in check. It's a full-time job enough even without having to lead a new classified department, all while trying to find, and talk to, literal people-eating monsters. But somehow, despite all of this, or maybe because of it, he's never felt more satisfied.

frank has the fun cliche that his original job was something he had passion for long ago, but had since grown tired of. mostly due to the typical "not what was expected". he worked just hard enough to occasionally be praised for his diligence, but not enough to be promoted. however, once he starts running a new and groundbreaking department, it brings back that long lost energy. it's not an obvious passion, but the amount of minute details he keeps track of is a whole lot more than anyone just doing their job would ever need to know.

the specific job he and enya (and it is just them) do is mostly a pre-PR necessity; some Day, despite various reasons that they shouldn't, are people eaters. most of frank's time is spent gathering information of vague cryptid sightings from all sources. his most useful is obscure forums and numerous IRC channels, some of which he's a frequent poster of (though he's learned how to not post like the fed he is after a few bans).

if something holds a hint of even the vaguest validity, he will respond himself to investigate. though casually, taking more of a tourist role than one of an FBI agent, doing this avoids unnecessary attention and he can determine if a straightforward, government-backed approach will be useful or not. if he determines there is a high chance of day involvement alongside missing persons or deaths, the location will be detailed, cataloged and, eventually, he and enya will respond. the dealing with is enya's part. despite how loudly she'll protest otherwise when stuck in a meeting, she does enjoy her job - it gives her a good chance to be as aggressive as she likes.

most of enya's control is only performance - other day cow to her because her subspecies' elemental abilities. other day have a subtle natural submission toward onyx-necks because of this. however, like many instincts the day possess, this isn't a rule. and, like many of their instincts, is fairly easily disregarded. so while many won't fight, they do so more out of conflict avoidance than any true obligation to. there are a few fighters (and some repeat customers) that distinctly fight back because stubbornness is the strongest gene they hold.

enya's own aggressive and boastful personality is partially influenced by her genetics. obviously, they will frequently do things on purpose cause trouble and be obnoxious. because they can. unsurprisingly, these are the ones enya hates dealing with the most.

a professional through and through, frank took a while to warm up to enya (as everyone does). he very pointedly takes a professional interest in her. enya and law enforcement do not mesh well, let alone the government. she does have, however, a powerful weakness for father figures. frank largely figured this out on his own, and while it works in his favor for getting enya to listen to him, he keeps boundaries very clearly defined (even if enya is clearly miffed about it).

one of the few people who knows enya enough that it's a potential handicap for her. knowing the precise thing to say to have her emotions take a complete 180. however, this works both ways - diverting her anger is as easy as making her angry. so far, enya has not managed to hurt frank. this is entirely because of frank's overly cautious attitude when dealing with any day, including her. the one thing that cause all day more pain than anything else is electric shock, and frank carries at least three different stun guns on him at all times. while in the field, he'll carry a taser and 10mm revolver, just in case.

not her first handler, not even close. but everyone involved has learned from experience enya does better listening to older male figures. its a deeply ingrained concept enya vehemently disagrees with, but to everyone else, is incredibly obvious. frank, on the other hand, maintains a professional distance. he does use the hold he has over enya when necessary, but its infrequent.

addendum to that, people who don't know them occasionally mistake them for father and daughter. enya hates this - despite how much of a dad she treats him. sometimes this is an angle they use when investigating. neither of them particularly enjoy this, however.

while enya is no real fan of being teased, she is an absolute nightmare pushing frank and find his boundaries. she has certainly learned that drawing things out very… slowly… and taking her time to complete things or get to the point is the most aggravating, yet permissible things.

has a small understanding of the day language through exposure and (vague, mostly unhelpful) clarification from enya. it's not enough to keep up conversation, but just enough to often confuse any strange day they come across. it's mostly helpful in drawing them out, or diverting aggression.

while he does carry a service pistol, he relies heavily on his TASER and multiple stun devices - most of his gear doubles as a protective device. he even has a customized body armor that's wired in a way that would produce a sharp electric shock if someone decided to try and take a bite out of him. its not perfect, but it makes him feel safer. this deserves its own descriptive post, but tl;dr electricity = bad for the day.

[azirelfallen]

What is happening?

So I got a job in Florida...I hate Florida (not sure if I’d mentioned that before). I worked with my therapist but ultimately had to leave my therapist (you know that whole being in Florida thing) before I’d had it fully worked out. 

I get to Florida and...I hate my new job. Like was I drunk when I decided to take this job level of hate. So I tell my spouse and say I am looking for another new job. He flips out, tells me I can do whatever but he’s “selling the house and moving to Florida” no matter what I do. Bold move. This leaves me in an awkward spot of I don’t want jobs in this state. 

I am applying and applying and I get an email for a job I had applied for back before I got the Florida job. Its for a position working for the US Government but in Italy. They want to interview me. I tell him and he’s all for it. 

I do the interview and it goes well. They tell me to follow up with them if I don’t hear from someone within a specific time frame. I get excited and I tell him that it went well and they told me to follow up if I don’t hear from people. HE jumps into the whole looking at houses and things to do. So I start thinking, why is Italy ok but California isn’t? 

So we have another chat (calmer this time) and I ask him that. I remind him that I was already feeling like his promises to me about me getting to choose where we go after the military were kind of half promises (we can go wherever you want as long as its Florida was how it felt) and that I was confused why all these other places were ok but the one place I wanted to be wasn’t. 

He made a few good points about how if I get the Italy job it wouldn’t be so stressful financially because we would have sold the house and used that to pay off any remaining debts so we would be literally going without having major financial obligations that weren’t our kids. We could use his disability and retirement pay to purchase a home back in Florida which he could travel to whenever he wanted to visit because (and this is where I keyed in on the real reason) we would have the money for him to fly back periodically. 

His issue with California was partially the way his career ended but mostly because we went out there and then never was able to come back to visit his family. I reminded him that as soon as we got there he had Deployed (which his parents came out to see him when he got back), then I got a job which I had to spend some time travelling for (training was out of state and his parents came out again for a few weeks to help him) and then the pandemic struck. Even once the airlines were letting people fly again, he was prohibited because he was still military and we couldn’t go more than 100 miles from the house. Once he was out of the military, he had to get his mental and physical health needs met and that unfortuantely left him without a job for over a year. Without him working we couldn’t afford to go travel and visit. 

Then he said “well the kids want to go back to Florida” and I said “do they though?” He agreed that 2 of them (the oldest and the youngest) probably didn’t and were going with the flow (the youngest doesn’t want to go anywhere until she’s there) but he said my middle child wanted to go to Florida. So I said ask her. She had decided it would be fine to go because she could apprentice to be a tattoo artist under the careful gaze of family who are tattoo artists. So I told him, ask her if the tattoo thing wasn’t an option, like she couldn’t be an apprentice, would she still want to move to Florida. She said no - and she laid out her reasons which revolved around the ultimate career she wants to go into and how California has both better educational opportunities and internship/employment opportunities for her and she would prefer to stay but had found a way to make a move to Florida work for her. 

Now my husband is back in a mood because he’s finally realized that the only person cheering “Florida or Bust” was him. Its not a bad mood but it makes me worry about him. Last night we talked and I reminded him that even though I am still in Florida, he can call and talk to me anytime. I reminded him that he has his therapist’s phone number and he can call her too. and I reminded him that if he starts feeling too bad and starts getting the bad thoughts again to dial 988 - the Veterans Suicide Prevention Help line that was opened this year and talk to them.

So now we’re applying for jobs back in Southern California. We both agree what was meant to happen will happen. If the house sells, we continue the move to Florida (can’t afford to buy another house in California). If we get one of the California jobs before the house sells, then we pull the house off the market and stay (while I figure out how to get back to California). If I get the Italy job...well we’ll take that one as it comes (likely house still gets sold, older kids move to Florida, youngest gets to have her overseas adventure finally and we eventually buy property in Florida)

What is happening? 

[some-creep]

Random Callie and or Marie headcanons in no particular order with some more evidence based than others. They're mostly uh hmm more Serious than the usual list like this.

I think all inklings have skin spots to some extent, some more noticable than others. Callie and Marie are no exception however the current trend is seeming like you have none so they're both covered in concealer. Marie is naturally less patterned than Callie. Callie isn't used to seeing herself without makeup and is often worried Marie doesn't really like her without it on.

Junk food addict Callie probably developed an eating disorder from her time in the spotlight and being forced to maintain a "proper" weight. When she retired, she eventually ended up gaining weight, which she also feels badly about. Marie reassures her she much prefers her healthy. (And thinks Callie is cuter chubby)

Marie no longer speaks to her parents. They thought her idol dreams were a waste of time so she stopped talking to them after she left for Inkopolis. It's also made her weird about money because for a while, it was just whatever she could make an a runaway 14 year old with big dreams trying to support herself and Callie. They worked together, of course, but Marie still felt obligated to take care of her.

Not only that I think they were emotionally neglectful, and Marie much preferred spending time with her grandpa. It's why she picked up chargers and why she usually seems to be the one more concerned about him. (In octo expansion she joins the chat at the end to ask him what she should make them for dinner)

By contrast Callie's parents were very supportive of her dreams, knowing there wasn't much for them in Calamari County. Still, Callie's mom probably worries a lot. I don't think Callie would tell them about being kidnapped because she knows how badly it would freak them out.

Marie has a peculiar Inkling problem that makes her brain fixate on one particular person as a partner. It's a biological leftover from early Inkling society that required strong pair bonds to ensure species survival. It's mostly vanished in modern society and can be treated if tested for early on. Marie wasn't so lucky and developed with it untreated. Now as an adult her brain has decided she's Callie-sexual above all else. This gives her a strangely intimidating vibe to others and no one can ever really pinpoint why. She's basically two degrees from feral walking around acting totally normal.

This causes her a great deal of distress because she worries Callie only agrees to be with her out of a sense of obligation. Callie reminds her not only is that not the case, they got together before she knew anything about this so how could that even be true.

Callie can and has pursued normal relationships before Marie, but Marie makes her happy and understands all of her hangups and faults.

Callie has nightmares semi regularly after being kidnapped (though she holds no resentment to any of the Octoling soldiers she stayed with).

Marie can't fall asleep before Callie because she needs to be sure of exactly where Callie is before she can relax.

Marie is terrified of someone finding out about them in public. Callie doesn't think anyone is gonna notice if they walk arm in arm. Sensationalist tabloids occasionally print stories suggesting they're dating in secret.

All of Callie's close Octoling friends know they're dating because Octarian society is structured differently so it literally does not matter to them.

Callie never bothered to get her driver's license because Marie has hers + they have drivers for important things.

:) and they love each other very much

[winter-soldier-vibes]

just a wittle request, could you do something where bucky comforts the reader who has mommy issues after she has a panic attack over the thought of turning out like her mother?

Hi there, sorry this took so long! I still haven’t processed my own so I had to take a few breaks. I apologize if this is off the path of what you meant, I’m going off of my own experience but I know it’s different for everyone.

You're nothing like her.

Bucky x reader

Word count: 3219

Warnings: mommy issues, toxic childhood, talk of divorce, panic attack/anxiety, negative self-talk

A/N: This takes place in a timeline where Bucky is retired

-------------

You did everything you could to avoid it. To avoid her

You left home as soon as you could. When you were in college you were surrounded by people who were homesick, people who wanted to go home, people who finally had to take care of themselves. Things you couldn’t relate to.

You had been supporting yourself most of your life. Not that you had much of a choice. Your dad left when you were younger, your mother blaming it on you. If you had been better, maybe he wouldn’t have left. You, being young, believed her. What else were you supposed to do, growing up in a world that preaches ‘mother knows best’?

Load of bullshit to you.

You knew better now, being an adult, that she didn’t know best. She worked or went out with friends and left you to raise yourself, telling you it was your fault when she neglected her responsibilities. And when you would get upset she would play the victim, crying ‘woe is me’ because you were so ungrateful to the person who raised you after you drove her husband out.

“You know it’s your fault right?” she had snapped at you one night at dinner. There was a graded paper, a B written on the top of it.

“What?”

“You’re the reason he left me. He just couldn’t stand you. You’re the reason why he left and why I’m so miserable now.”

You had felt tears in your eyes.

“Tears, really? Tears aren't going to change the fact that MY husband LEFT.”

Her husband, not your father.

No, you knew better now to know that what she had done and said was wrong. But that didn’t make you forget. It didn’t make it any easier for you.

You went to college, saved up as much as you could, and gave tight-lipped smiles when people asked why you didn’t go home on weekends or vacations. You tried not to talk about her much, but that didn’t stop you from thinking about her.

You had stood at your college graduation, caps thrown and loud laughs and cheers echoing around. There were a bunch of people celebrating around you, taking photos, but you had stood on the outskirts. You had a small smile on your face for everyone else, but you couldn’t help but feel empty inside. You hadn’t made many friends, not close friends, but that was a good thing. You could take the photo so no one was left out.

Not so much of a text from her. She hadn’t come, she hadn’t called or anything.

In a twisted way, you were glad that she hadn’t. She couldn’t make a big deal about how you weren’t the top of your class or how you didn’t deserve to be. How you didn’t have a job set up to start the next week even though you already were planning on submitting your resumes. There wasn’t a way to please her, so it was almost better that she wasn’t there.

You had texted her after a few days and she made up some bullshit excuse that she had forgotten to put it on the calendar.

She liked your Instagram photo though. So thoughtful

You worried you would turn out the same way. Or that she had rubbed off on you in some way. You kept to yourself as much as you could, staying in, keeping your emotions to yourself. It wasn’t that you didn’t trust people, maybe it was, but more so you were worried that you would seem like you were playing the victim.

You didn’t want to bother anyone or make anyone feel obligated to listen to you. You worried that behind your back they would complain about you being emotional or making everything about you.

You worried they would talk about you the same way you thought about your mother.

People are supposed to look to their parents to teach them what to be, yet you found yourself wanting to avoid everything your parents did to you. They taught you exactly who you didn’t want to be.

Your father left. Your mother hated you.

You didn’t share your opinions because you didn’t want to be told you were wrong. You didn’t want to force your ideas onto anyone. Not like what you said would make a difference anyway, not that it mattered in the first place.

You remembered all of the sentences you would start but not finish because no one had heard you. Trying to jump in a few times and eventually giving up when the conversation had moved onto a new subject. All the times people would interrupt or interject, making you feel like you didn’t have something to say that was worth hearing.

You thought it would get better when you got a job. But the pressure you put on yourself to do well in school was transferred to the job you had gotten. You still were afraid that people saw yourself as your mom used to and that you would never be good enough for anyone. You thought that achievements would make you feel fulfilled.

But if you didn’t believe in yourself, what were a few “job well done's” supposed to do?

It made it hard to get into a relationship. People say that “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else,” but that didn’t feel so true to you. It was more that you didn’t trust yourself to love someone else. You worried about hurting whoever you were with, and you told yourself that if you didn’t get close to anyone, you couldn’t hurt them.

But then you ran into him.

He was on a morning run and you were walking home from a night shift, both too tired to see each other coming. You because you had just finished a shift, him because he was running off the nightmare he had had the night previous. Both of you craving a sleep that seemed just out of reach.

You were very apologetic, as was he, both afraid that you had hurt the other. You avoided his eyes even though they were trained anywhere but your own, as he fiddled with his gloved hands and you scratched the back of your neck.

It was the first time either of you had seen someone as unsure as yourselves

You had parted ways with only each other's names. Bucky and y/n.

The two of you crossed paths a few times in the following weeks, eventually getting each other’s phone numbers and agreeing to meet for coffee rather than hoping the other left at the right time. Eventually, the subtle nervous tics each of you had died down as you got to know each other.

For the most part.

You still overly apologized for everything. If you were a few minutes late, if you spaced out...you took the blame for everything.

Traffic had been bad, a storm and an accident causing you to be 5 minutes late rather than 15 minutes early. You had run into the coffee shop, scanning the restaurant with wide eyes when you saw Bucky sitting there casually.

“I am so so so sorry, I should’ve left earlier, there was an accident, I’m so sorry I’m late -”

“Y/n, don’t worry about it,” he had said, a smile on his face and a slight flash of concern on his face. “Seriously, it’s a couple of minutes. It’s literally fine.”

“No, I’m really sorry, I should’ve known or called or something.”

“Relax. It’s totally fine, I promise,” he had said, concern a little more present on his face. “Are you okay though?”

“What? Yeah, I’m good. How have you been with everything?

You wouldn’t let him talk about you. The same way your mother never let you talk about yourself.

Don’t think about her.

He had started opening up to you but you still kept your personal life under lock and key. Your name, how work was, and your physical well-being was about as personal as you got. Even so, if work had been a shit show or you had to pull an all-nighter would go unspoken. He didn’t need the burden of your personal issues. Not when there was nothing he could do about it.

The past was the past, you just had to learn how to get over yourself.

You couldn’t change what your mother had said over a decade ago.

You worried if you talked about yourself at all then you would be making the situation about you. You worried you would project your anger or sadness onto him. He didn’t deserve that. Plus, it wasn’t like he would be able to do anything, right?

You promised yourself you wouldn’t let him get too close. That if he didn’t get close to you, you couldn’t hurt him.

But damn, you’d be lying if you said you didn’t start developing feelings for him. And from the way he had started acting, you thought maybe he was too.

The hugs that were ever so slightly too tight or when he smiled at you a little longer than normal. He had opened up to you about many things in his past, and from the way he talked about it, you could tell he hadn’t talked about it much with anyone else.

You found comfort in your friendship, the way he trusted you. You liked being there for him, and you were honored that he trusted you enough to open up to you. Yet it also made you uneasy that you would ruin it in some way or drive him out.

The same way your mom drove out your father.

Goddamn it don’t think about her.

The closer you got and the closer you and Bucky had gotten, the more nervous you were. That you would turn out like your mother. You were having a harder time keeping to yourself, keeping up the façade that everything was all bright in your world. You wanted to be a light for everyone.

But at some point, days turn to nights and the light gives way to the darkness.

And you weren’t sure how much time you had left before you cracked.

Bucky had started making small moves towards you, and you were trying your best to deflect them in efforts to not fall flat on your face for him. He came over Wednesday nights for a movie and take out with you, and what started as being on two opposite ends of the couch had moved to being next to each other to him having his arm wrapped around you. Sometimes you felt he was a little too close and you would either shift away or get up to grab another drink or ‘use the bathroom’.

When you came back you would make an attempt to sit a bit further away.

Sometimes when Bucky would say goodbye at the end of the night he would hug you. That was nothing new, you were both big on hugs, but lately, he had been hugging you longer or tighter, lingering a few moments longer than could be platonic. You had started ending the hugs earlier, giving him a small squeeze before pulling away.

It wasn’t that you didn’t want to be with Bucky. It was that you were so scared that you would drive him away, leaving you as soon as you had started calling yourself his.

Which is what brought you here. Bucky had come over for another one of your movie nights and had his arm behind the couch rather than around you. An invitation for you to curl into his side, but he wanted you to make that choice. Eventually, you had found yourself curled up with him, his arm wrapped around you, and you could feel the tension.

You wanted to move away before you found yourself in too deep, but you couldn’t resist. It had been a long day and you found comfort with Bucky. Bucky turned his face slightly towards yours, kissing the side of your temple and you felt butterflies in your stomach. Your mind told you to shift away, to not let him get too close, but you found yourself turning your head towards Bucky and he leaned forward to kiss you gently.

After a moment you broke away, emotion taking over you. “I’m sorry, Bucky, I - I can’t do this,” you said, resting your forehead against his.

“Why not?” Bucky whispered, looking into your eyes.

Because I’ll hurt you.

I’ll disappoint you.

I’ll drive you away and I can’t lose the best thing that’s happened to me.

You sighed, standing up and moving away from Bucky. You couldn’t say those things to him out loud. Not without the entire story. And you weren’t ready to share all of that with him.

Bucky stood up with you, afraid he had just ruined the friendship or whatever relationship he had with you. “Y/n, wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

You had already left the room and couldn’t really hear him over the sound of your thoughts.

This wasn’t supposed to happen

I wasn’t supposed to let this happen

How could I be so stupid?

You were feeling tears in your eyes and Bucky followed you, afraid of what he did. Your breathing was picking up and you had started mumbling some of these things to yourself.

“Y/n, what’s happening, what did I do?”

You shook your head “You didn’t do anything, but I need you to leave, please,” you said, trying to hide your emotions. You hated being like this.

“I’m not going anywhere y/n, just tell me what’s wrong.”

“Get the fuck out of here Bucky! I don’t want your help!” you snapped suddenly, Bucky looking taken aback before your eyes widened.

“Oh god…”

You shook your head and started crying harder, stumbling over your words. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that, I didn’t mean to yell, I’m so sorry Bucky please don’t leave I'm so sorry.”

Bucky came forward and hugged you gently and you cried into his shirt. He whispered comforting words into your ear as you tried to breathe, embarrassed at how vulnerable you were being.

Bucky kept his breathing slow and even, trying to get you to match him. He had no idea what was happening but he knew he needed you to calm down before he asked. Whatever it was had to be something deep, and you weren’t in the space to talk about it right now.

He brought you over to sit on the corner of your bed, still hugging you as you cried. You were mumbling out apology after apology but Bucky wasn’t having any of it. He kept hugging you, telling you that he wasn’t going anywhere and that you were safe. He had never seen you so upset, or upset at all to begin with.

After you had calmed down a bit, Bucky asked you again what had happened. You shook your head, not knowing what to say.

“I’ve opened up about so many things to you, right?” he pulled back to look at you.

You nodded slightly.

“And you’ve never judged me for any of it.”

You shook your head this time.

“Then why can’t you let me do the same for you?”

You took a deep breath, fiddling with your hands. “I don’t wanna hurt you,” you said, not meeting his eyes.

Bucky drew his eyebrows together, still confused. “Y/n, you’ve been the nicest person I’ve ever met. How would you hurt me?”

You were already shaking your head. “No, see, that’s what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna be nice and sweet and...and I’m gonna fall in love with you, and you’re gonna fall in love with me. A-and then I’m gonna let you down over and over again and snap at you for things that aren’t your fault and...and you’ll get sick of it and leave and I’m going to hate myself for it, okay?”

“Hey, hey, slow down,” Bucky held your shoulders as they started shaking. You brought a hand to cover your mouth, Bucky hushing you again. “What are you talking about? Where is this coming from?”

You took a shaky breath as you ran a hand over your face. “I’m just like her, Bucky. I told myself I would never let myself be like her…”

“Like who?” Bucky asked, blood already boiling at who made you feel like this.

Her.

You weren’t supposed to think about her.

You promised yourself.

“Y/n, stay with me here,” he said, guiding your face back to look at him. “Who?”

“My mother.”

Bucky looked at you for a moment. “What?”

“You know, mothers bring you into the world. They say a mother knows when something is wrong with their kid, that babies are put on their mother’s chest because the skin-to-skin contact starts the bonding process. They’re supposed to protect you, and love you, and take care of you. But then you start to get older and it’s your fault that you were born when you didn’t ask, or your dad left and it’s your fault before you even knew he was gone. All I wanted was to be told what to do and all she would do is tell me what I did wrong. I can’t be like her and the older I get the more scared I am that I’m going to hurt everyone the way that she hurt my father and me.”

You had started crying again as Bucky looked at you, both broken-hearted and furious that someone would make you feel this way. Not to mention it was your own mother.

You took another shaky breath. “I thought the world of her when I was younger. And she barely even gave me the time of day. I keep telling myself that I’m not what she thought of me, but what if I am?” you shook your head again. “And I am so scared that I’m just like her.”

“Y/n, look at me, I need you to look at me when I say this, okay?” he cupped your face with both hands, wiping away your tears with the pads of his thumbs as he looked into your eyes. “You are nothing like your mother.”

You let out a small sob. “You don’t know her.”

“I don’t need to,” he said firmly. “You are kind and gentle. You work hard and you make sure that everyone is taken care of before you even consider yourself. You aren’t going to scare me away or hurt me.” He wiped fresh tears from your eyes. “You are your own person, your mother has no say in who you get to be. Who you are. You are not your mother, and you never will be.” he said, still holding your gaze.

You held his gaze a little longer, knowing he believed what he was saying. You didn’t, not quite yet, but maybe if he believed in you, you could too. You nodded slightly, giving him the smallest of smiles. “Thank you.”

Bucky returned the small smile. “You know I love you, right?”

“I love you too,” you said, smiling.

You meant it, and you knew he did too. And maybe one day, you would love who you’d become too.

------------

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[godsofhumanity]

12 titans headcanons please ❤️

yes ❤️

❤ warning: this is gonna be a very long post ❤

OCEANUS

Oceanus is the oldest of the Titans, and i really like the idea that he grew to adulthood within a day of being born.

i think i've mentioned this in some Gaia hc's previously, but i don't think that Gaia had any of her children in the "conventional" way that we're used to.. as in, none of her children were actually formed in her womb- instead, i imagine that she and Ouranos only had to place their hands on the Earth to cause their children to be born.

for the Titans in particular, i like the idea that Gaia caused a field of flowers to bloom, and within 12 of them were each of the Titans.

Oceanus bloomed first, and was named by Gaia (i think he's the only one who was actually named by her, herself- more on this later).

we know that Ouranos never cared for his children, so i think that the 12 Titans were originally born so that they could help Gaia take care of the Earth,, thus allowing Ouranos and Gaia to spend more time with each other.

so when Oceanus was born, he had to grow quickly so that he could take care of his siblings and raise them (Ouranos wasn't about to let Gaia go "wasting" her time taking care of children).

Oceanus builds the first village, and his primary motivation in everything he does, is to take care of his siblings.

i think he's very paternal,, though he doesn't like to show it.

Oceanus is very stoic as well... he hates brash decisions and always takes his time to think about things before he says something or does something.

also, in Gaia's absence, i think he named all his siblings, and i think that although all the Titans refer to him as their brother, they also have the understanding that Oceanus has been more of a parent than either Gaia or Ouranos, and they all look up to him a lot.

Oceanus isn't cowardly, but i don't think he likes fighting. he would much rather preserve the peace at the sake of his own freedom, than have said freedom but at the price of blood being spilled.

that said, he could definitely pack a punch if he chose to.

related to Oceanus’ unwillingness to fight, i think this is an important factor in why Cronus (who is the youngest) becomes King instead of Oceanus (who is the oldest). 

technically, it’s Oceanus’ birthright to become King after Ouranos, but Oceanus doesn’t possess the qualities required to be a good king, and he knows it, which is why he never challenges Cronus’ authority or tries to take the throne for himself- he is absolutely okay with not being king, in fact, i think he’s grateful for it.

TETHYS

Tethys is, as the lore states, Oceanus' wife, and i think she's always been really close to Oceanus- the only one who truly understands Oceanus' deepest feelings.

since Oceanus doesn't really show much emotion physically, i think it's sometimes difficult for the other Titans to know exactly what he's thinking, but Tethys is very intuitive and understands Oceanus quite perfectly.

i think Tethys is slightly more energetic than Oceanus, but she's still the most quiet of all her sisters.

she too, prefers not to fight if she doesn't have to, but while Oceanus will wait for the very last opportunity to fight, i think Tethys can be persuaded to make a move earlier than she usually would.

i also think she's more adept at fighting than Oceanus.

when Oceanus and Tethys are referenced in poems and plays, they are usually described as the "primeval parents", and are often referred to as the "genesis for all" which i think is really cute, and although Tethys isn't the goddess of motherhood, i definitely think she's very maternal (i mean, she has 3000+ children, so we hope so, right?).

after the Titanomachy, it is said that Oceanus and Tethys became Hera's foster-parents, so i imagine that Tethys and Oceanus opened their home to many gods and goddesses, even if they were simply passing through.

Hera, in particular, i think had a closer bond with Oceanus and Tethys than with Rhea- and that of course is no fault of Rhea's, i just think that's how things happened.

everyone talks of this idea that Zeus would go around pestering Oceanus and Tethys when he was trying to court Hera, and i like that idea as well ^_^

i think Oceanus was particularly reluctant to let Zeus be with Hera because Oceanus has had sooo many daughters who have been effectively abandoned by their husbands (see: Metis, Asia/Clymene, Hesione, Eurynome, etc.) and he doesn't want that to happen to yet another one of his kids.. but Tethys, the sweet voice of reason whom Oceanus has a hard time saying "no" to, intervenes on Zeus' behalf perhaps because she sees something more in Zeus' proposals, which is why Oceanus finally concedes and allows him into his house.

CRONUS

now this guy >:)

i've said it before, but i just really really like the idea that Cronus is the epitome of "you either die the hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain".

before i said that Oceanus grew to adulthood within a day because he had to take care of his younger siblings, and following this logic, i think some of the younger Titans took more time to grew simply because there was no need for them to grow up quickly- they were going to be taken care of.

as the youngest, i think Cronus takes the most time to grow. 

most of his life, his siblings are ordering him around which i think gets to him a little, so of course, Cronus has always been a little bit mischievous and a little sneaky.

i think he gets along really well with Iapetus. they are “terror twins” as Oceanus calls them, and as children, they would always get up to no good.

in terms of morality, i think initially, he’s actually quite sane and level-headed. he understands that war is brutal and should be avoided if it can, but he also understands that sometimes war is necessary. this is what makes him, initially, a good king- because he understands the need for balance.

but,, after sometime, i think he goes insane with Ouranos’ prophecy and he convinces himself that murdering his children is just a part of the job- it’s his duty. 

i like the idea that Cronus sees himself first and foremost as King. being a husband and a father is second to kingship.

i always wondered what makes a man go so mad that he’d eat his own kids, especially after he literally deposed of his father for doing effectively the same thing- why would he willingly follow in the footsteps of the god he hated so much? well, i think it’s because Cronus is driven by this philosophy of being King before being anyone else. 

he believes that it’s his job to protect the world, the way he did that first time when he rallied his siblings together to fight Ouranos. Cronus believes that his children are going to ruin the world and destroy his siblings, and he loves his family and the world too much to let that happen,, and if he has to choose between his children and the world that he has sworn to protect, well, as King, isn’t he obligated to choose the world?

and after that, he just goes downhill, and i think he loses sight of the bigger picture, and becomes the villain. 

also- not relevant to the core of this section but i just wanted to talk a little about Philyra, the mother of Chiron by Cronus ^-^

so in the original myth, i’m pretty sure that Cronus and Rhea are still married when Cronus and Philyra get together,, and that’s why when Rhea catches them and gets pissed, Cronus panics and turns into a horse (which is why Chiron is half god, half horse- lololol Cronus, you absolute loser). 

anyways, i love the myth because it’s funny, but i don’t like the idea that Cronus was actually cheating on Rhea- i mean, first you eat her children, and now you’re cheating on her?? c’mon, have some tact! 

so i have my own little take on it, and that is that Chiron is born after Cronus gets disposed (so when Rhea and Cronus are pretty much divorced). 

i like the Orphic version of events where Cronus gets sent to Nyx’s cave, so following from there, i imagine that Philyra must have somehow helped Cronus escape from Nyx’s cave (probably because she was manipulated by Cronus),, and when they escaped, they came to Mt Pelion, which coincidentally, is where Rhea, now happily retired, lives. 

so that’s how Rhea accidentally discovered her ex-husband’s affairs (which is in line with the original myth where Rhea catches them). 

of course, i don’t think Cronus ever cared about Philyra to begin with, i think he was just using her because i don’t think the “player” archetype suits Cronus- he’s not a romantic, that’d make him too similar to Zeus, and the last thing Cronus would want would be to be like his son. 

anyways so where does Chiron’s equine nature come into my version of events? well, running from Nyx’s cave to Mt Pelion on foot sounds a little tiring, but luckily, Cronus is a god and can therefore turn into a stallion, so he and Philyra probably ran away like that.

i don’t think Cronus ever actually knows about Chiron. Philyra, in the myths, is ashamed about Chiron’s appearance (which is really rude and mean), so she abandons him, but i like the idea that she simply wasn’t ready to be a mother, much less a mother of a child born from a war-criminal, so she instead leaves Chiron on Rhea’s doorstep. and Rhea recognises immediately who Chiron is, but she’s the goddess of motherhood so she adopts him, until Apollo comes in a few days later and decides to take Chiron. anyways, so that was a little bit of a tangent but i just wanted to share that ^-^

another thing- i know we all like to make jokes about Cronus seeing children as good for only one thing- snacks- but in all seriousness, i don’t think that was the case. i’ve said before what i, personally, think his real motivations behind consuming his children were, but i don’t think he was averse to the concept of children and having a family entirely.

ok, i have to divert to the story of Prometheus to explain myself here, but bear with me for a sec- so Prometheus gets punished because he helps the humans- but why does he help them? why does he love them so much and why does he feel sorry for the way they’ve been treated by Zeus? 

well,, we know that Prometheus was alive during Cronus’ reign. and during Cronus’ reign, Cronus made the Golden Age of Man where mortals lived in peace and harmony, free from interference by the gods, where no one did the “wrong” thing, and life was great. so couldn’t it be that Prometheus had seen what life for humanity could have been like? 

my hc is that Prometheus had seen what Cronus had done for humanity and was appalled by what he now saw under Zeus’ rule.

so what does that have to do with Cronus and children? well, i like the idea that Prometheus grew up in the palace, and he had known Cronus all his life. i like the idea that Cronus actually spent time with his nephew, and was the one who first introduced Prometheus to the mortals. i think Prometheus and Cronus actually were rather close as uncle and nephew. so,, i don’t think that Cronus hated all children,, he just didn’t think he could have any of his own.

RHEA

Rhea is one of my favourites <3 i think she’s one of the cooler Titans.

i think her personality is defined by her courage, and her ambition- in fact, i’d call her the most ambitious of all the Titans.

as a young Titan, i think she got along best with Cronus and Iapetus, and i think she actually had a bit of a mischievous nature, similar to them. i think she enjoys pranks and good jokes. 

she’s the kind of goddess who would do anything on a dare (i think she was pretty wild, and maybe a little shameless, in her youth, much to Oceanus’ distress).

in saying that, i think Rhea has also always been very headstrong. she’s not arrogant, or rude, but she if she has opinions, she will make sure you’re aware of them. you don’t have to agree, you just have to understand her point of view.

she’s also a little spitfire (a little like Hera tbh), and she is very good at fighting ^-^

but, Rhea is also incredibly kind and forgiving. considering what she goes through during her marriage, i think she is remarkably strong. while Cronus goes insane, Rhea remains standing tall- she survives Ouranos’ rule, Cronus’ rule, and is alive to witness Zeus’, and she is never on the losing side which is a testament to her character and strength of mind.

in the previous section, i said that Cronus follows the philosophy of “King first, husband/father second”, but i don’t think Rhea agrees with this at all.

there is never any way for her to justify to herself that her children needed to be killed- it’s a horrible and messed up idea and it’s honestly a wonder that she didn’t go insane after it happening to her children five freaking times.

i think that what makes Rhea a good queen is that she doesn’t work in absolutes- see, Cronus believes that either the world is saved, or his children are saved, but not both- but Rhea, who is always driven by courage and hope, believes that it is possible for the world to have peace and for her children to also be alive.

where Cronus is an architect of plans, and an executor, Rhea is the thought-process- the one who thinks things through carefully and evaluates the effects of the action... she’s more level-headed, and she doesn’t get angry easily.

after Cronus is deposed, i like the idea that Rhea remained on the throne a little longer- Zeus was simply too young to be allowed free reign immediately, so she kinda pulled the strings behind the scenes.

i don’t think that Rhea has favourites amongst her children. i think she is very protective of all of them and she loves them all very much, but i think the one she finds most difficult to get along with is Hera, maybe because Hera is the most similar to her (which is why Hera spends more time with Oceanus and Tethys than Rhea). 

there are versions of the courtship of Zeus and Hera where Zeus and Hera keep their relationship a secret from Rhea because Rhea will disapprove of it, and i do like this version of the myth because i think it makes sense. i think Rhea has some fear that Zeus will repeat the mistakes of Cronus and Ouranos, and she doesn’t want Hera or Zeus, for that matter, to be hurt the way Rhea was hurt.

we know that Zeus had already swallowed Metis, so Rhea believing that Zeus could become like Cronus isn’t too hard to believe.

speaking of the Zeus x Metis myth, i don’t think Zeus swallowed Metis intentionally. i think that, at that time, Zeus was still incredibly young- he had only recently defeated his father, and was still finding his way around the world. so when Metis told him about the prophecy concerning her son defeating Zeus, i imagine that he must have panicked and lost control of his powers, and without meaning to, he had reduced Metis to her divine essence, and she disappeared before his sight (he thought she was simply dead, and didn’t realise that Metis and her child were dwelling within him). Rhea is the first one to discover what transpired between Metis and Zeus and she was probably pretty horrified.

but, Rhea knew that Zeus was still young, and of course, he’s her son, so she refuses to just give up on him straight away- instead, they work on things, and Zeus gets better, and they move on. but i’m sure that the incident gnawed on her mind, and she worried for both Zeus and Hera, hence why she was reluctant to allow them to marry. but as the story goes, she conceded, and Hera became queen ^-^

HYPERION

Hyperion is the fourth Titan, and i think that all-in-all, he’s a pretty chill guy.

generally speaking, Hyperion doesn’t really like to fight, mainly because he thinks it’s boring and the risk of his face getting ruined is just too great for him.

i think he is a little vain,, he loves flattery- he likes being complimented and he likes complimenting others.

i also think that he’s a little bit weak-willed, or rather, i think that when the Titans were all young, he would often be the butt of the jokes.

in saying that, i think Hyperion has good spirit, so although he’d be a little annoyed about all the jokes and the pranks, he never takes it to heart because he understands that it’s all just a joke.

in some myths, it’s said that after Ouranos was deposed, Cronus divided the world into four parts- Hyperion ruled in the West, Iapetus in the East, Coeus in the North, and Crius in the South, while Oceanus took the seas, and Cronus of course, ruled over time + the whole word in general- and i really like this idea.

after the Castration of Ouranos, i think it’s the first time that the Titans actually split apart and start living on their own and having families.

Hyperion and Theia live in the West, and have Selene, Eos, and Helios.

after the Titanomachy, it’s said that Cronus and all his brothers were placed in Tartarus, but given the importance of Selene, Eos, and Helios during Zeus’ role, i just can’t imagine that Hyperion was one of the Titans sent to Tartarus.

i don’t think he would’ve actively supported Cronus towards the end (i mean, he was very clearly insane and needed to be deposed), but i think at the same time, he would’ve been reluctant to oppose Cronus, given how powerful Cronus was. and again, there’s that conflict with the fact that it was Cronus who freed the Titans from Ouranos, so i guess things aren’t really that black and white for Hyperion.

if Hyperion did fight for Cronus, i think he would have done so only out of obligation (because Cronus is the king, and he defeated Ouranos).

THEIA

Theia’s the eldest of her sisters, and i think she has always been a bit of a natural-born leader.

i think she gets along best with Rhea ^-^

but while Rhea is a little more level-headed, i think Theia can be louder and more hot-headed, with a quicker temper.

given that she is the goddess “who endowed gold, silver and gems with their brilliance and intrinsic value ”, i think it’s a fair hc to say that she enjoys jewellery and pretty, shiny things, but, in saying that, i don’t think she could be bought over with gifts.

i think Theia is more strong-willed than Hyperion, and i think she is best reflected in Selene who takes after her the most.

i imagine Selene to be very graceful and elegant- willing to fight, but only once she’s carefully understood her opponents and her situation. 

in the Theogony, Hesiod writes that all the Titans were hesitant about killing Ouranos, except Cronus who stood up and rallied them, and while i think Rhea was the first to agree with Cronus, i think Theia supported him next. but!! she wouldn’t have ever supported him during the Titanomachy- i think she would have taken Zeus’ side, if she was involved in the fighting.

also, this isn’t really relevant i guess, but i really like the idea that Theia’s weapon of choice is a whip. like one of those ones made out of a chain with the sharp blades at the end, so that it sparkles as it slices through the air. i just think it’d be neat :D

COEUS

alright, now, strictly speaking, Coeus doesn’t have much of a mythology- he’s pretty much only known as the father of Asteria (mother of Hecate) and Leto, and the guy who ruled in the North when Cronus first became king.

BUT!! very interestingly, in the Argonautica, it’s said that Coeus was thrown into Tartarus after the Titanomachy along with his bros, but he went insane and tried to escape, but Cerberus, being the good guard-dog he is, caught him and sent him back.

anyways, i think this is very interesting because none of the other Titans are really given such a myth.. i mean, none of the other Titans went so insane that they tried to escape from Tartarus (at least, not that I know of).

this myth fits in with my hc that Coeus has the least will/strength-of-mind from all the Titans.

to be honest though, in the same way that i don’t like the idea of Hyperion being sent to Tartarus, i don’t really like that Coeus would have been sent there either. his daughters are Asteria and Leto, and both of them must have been loved by Zeus.

Asteria’s daughter is Hecate, whom Hesiod says was honoured by Zeus above all others. so while Asteria isn’t listed as one of Zeus’ lovers, i think he had a lot of respect for her.

Leto, as we all know, was Zeus’ sixth wife and the mother of his beloved Apollo and Artemis, so there’s no doubt that he loved her.

and so, in light of this, i just can’t imagine that Coeus’ daughters didn’t appeal to Zeus and ask him to have mercy on Coeus, because if they didn’t plead for him, this might imply that they didn’t feel pity for him, which further implies that they might not have loved him as a father at all. and the natural conclusion of such a sentiment is that Coeus really wasn’t much of a father to them- and if that’s the case, then that means that NONE of Gaia’s Titan sons (except Oceanus) were good fathers. and idk, that just doesn’t sit well with me. 

why is it that only the goddesses were spared? are they somehow naturally always gonna be on the hero’s side because they’re female? are the gods always gonna be on the villain’s side because they’re male... “boys stick together”? idk it’s dumb. 

that’s why i like the idea that Asteria and Leto must have pleaded for him- i think he was a good father, and they did love him. did Zeus listen? i guess that’s another story. 

but i do like the idea that Coeus didn’t really want to be on Cronus’ side, it’s just that he was scared of the consequences of opposing him- Coeus is regarded as the titan of “rational intelligence”, and if you ask me, it’d be pretty rational to not want to fight against a psycho when you have a family to think about.

also, i know it’s not a part of the actual myths, but i do like the idea that Coeus was a titan of magic/witchcraft as well, because that might explain where Hecate gets her abilities from.

PHOEBE

Phoebe is Coeus’ wife, and she’s also the titan goddess of prophetic wisdom.

once again, there really isn’t much lore for her beyond the idea that she was the oracle before Apollo.

this isn’t in the myths, but my hc is that Asteria and Leto represent Coeus and Phoebe’s domains- so while Coeus’ magic gets passed down to Asteria and then to Hecate, Phoebe’s prophetic powers are transferred to Leto and then to Apollo. 

so, although, it’s not supported by the myths, i hc that Leto had prophetic powers as well, it just might have not been as strong as Phoebe’s or Apollo’s.

anyways, back to Phoebe- i think that the best word to describe Phoebe would be “sweet”. i think she’s very kind, and generous, and mild-mannered, where most of her sisters are a little more.. wild.

i don’t think she’s much of a fighter, nor is she devious or scheming. she’s really just quite innocent.

CRIUS

Crius is another Titan without much mythology.. his main role is as an ancestor of the gods, and apparently as the first to observe the constellations, thus why he was known as the titan of the constellations. which is pretty cool IMO.

i personally imagine Crius to be very intelligent and smart. i think, given his domain, he really enjoys stargazing <3 

for the most part, he’s a very level-headed, calm, and reasonable guy, but i think he’s also quite aloof, and not very vocal about his emotions.

i think that he’s pretty comfortable with bending his morals to suit the bigger picture, and that’s why i think he does actively support Cronus during the Titanomachy (hence why he gets sent to Tartarus).

i don’t think he really cares for pranks or jokes. in a sense, he is very similar to Oceanus, and from all their siblings, i think growing up, he gave Oceanus the least amount of trouble.

Crius’ children are Pallas, Perses, and Astraeus. 

i’d imagine that Crius has control over the stars and the constellations, and is capable of what i’d call “celestial magic”. and i think this ability is inherited by Perses, who becomes the father of Hecate by Asteria, and that’s how the magic gets passed down to Hecate, and why Hecate is so revered as the ultimate magic goddess.

just as i said earlier that Phoebe and Coeus aren’t really fighters, i don’t think Crius is a fighter either. he’s more of a strategist, and would rely on magic rather than using actual swords and stuff.

anyways, enough about the Titanomachy!! i think my third favourite pairing after Cronus x Rhea, and Oceanus x Tethys, is Crius x Eurybia! 

there is no mythology concerning how they met or how they were married, but i like the idea that for most of her life, Eurybia was raised by Gaia and Pontus away from the rest of the Titans,, but Gaia, who is more risk-taking than Pontus, understood that Eurybia wouldn’t stay with them forever, so eventually Eurybia starts leaving their home more often and she goes out exploring the world.

and on one of these occasions, she stumbles into a forest in the South, which is part of Crius’ domain, and that’s where they meet for the first time.

i think that Eurybia is always more at ease with her feelings than Crius, and she’s very vocal about it,, which would make for a good comedy routine with the more conservative Crius, who’s less willing to let emotions rule his head, but under the guidance of love, eventually opens up more <3

+EURYBIA

Eurybia is not one of the 12 Titans, but she is the daughter of Gaia and Pontus, AND Crius’ wife, and i really like my idea of her so i’m including her here ^-^

in Hesiod’s Theogony, he describes Eurybia as having “a heart of flint within her”, which is a really cool idea!!! she’s also described as the goddess of “mastery over the seas”, which refers to the things that control the sea like the winds, and the Moon, etc.

her name also means “wide-forced”, so i imagine her to be a very headstrong and free-willed goddess.

because her father is Pontus (the sea), and she also has some control over the sea, i imagine her to be a little unpredictable, like the sea. i think she has moments where she can fly into an intense rage, or she could be absolutely calm.

i like this idea because she becomes almost the antithesis of Crius. where Crius is more calm and rational, Eurybia is more passionate and unpredictable. i think they balance each other out very nicely.

strictly speaking, Eurybia probably was not thrown into Tartarus at the end of the Titanomachy, but i hc that she was.

i think during the Titanomachy, she would have sided with Crius, and she would have fought on his side because she loved him and would have supported him in anything that he did (also once again, i don’t like the idea that Cronus only had the support of his bros, and that only the guys got thrown into Tartarus :/).

Astraeus is Eos’ husband, and Pallas is Styx’s husband, and both Eos and Styx, on many occasions in the actual myths, have been evidenced to be on Zeus’ side. so, although in reality, Pallas at the very least probably would’ve been on Cronus’ side (since, in the Theogony, Styx takes her children to Zeus first, and Pallas isn’t really mentioned), i like the idea that Astraeus and Pallas both fought on Zeus’ side instead, and escaped punishment.

which makes things tricky for Eurybia, because some of her sons are on one side, and then her husband and her other son are on the other side- what’s she supposed to do? 

Eurybia is too headstrong to simply be passive and sit back and let her boys fight, so i think first she fights on Crius’ side, but then she also fights to save Astraeus and Pallas when they get into trouble. 

i think she accepts that her children have grown up and made their decisions, but she also understands that she will always be their mother, and she will never bear them any resentment for fighting against their father.

also, one of Pallas’ children is named “Bia”, and i’d like to think that he named her after his mum <3

i think “Bia” is Crius’ nickname for Eurybia <3

IAPETUS

i hc Iapetus to be the supreme troublemaker amongst the Titans.

i think he has served as the largest source of headaches experienced by Oceanus when the Titans were young >:)

Iapetus loves jokes i think. he loves pranks.. all kinds of humour. he’s more street smart than book smart, and actually i think if he was trying to study, he’d lose focus after 2 minutes. but call him to participate in a prank? the guy is coming up with plans like a general preparing a war campaign.

i think as the second youngest of Gaia’s Titan sons, Iapetus has always gotten along the best with Cronus. prepare for trouble, and make it double :)

this is specific, but i’ve got this idea that when they were young, Iapetus and Cronus decided to slip some dye into Themis and Hyperion’s basins, so when they washed their hair, Themis’ hair turned pink, and Hyperion’s turned green,, but Oceanus caught Iapetus and Cronus and forced them to wash out the dye as punishment ^-^

anyways, what i’m saying is that Iapetus and Cronus have always been the closest of brothers.

i also think that Iapetus hates people who boast about themselves, or act as though they’re superior to everyone else, so he’s never really gotten along with Themis (who i imagine to be a little vain- more on that later), and that’s why he likes to play pranks on her (to irritate her).

Iapetus has five children- Prometheus, Atlas, Anchiale, Menoetius, and Epimetheus- by the Oceanid Asia... but i think that from all of them, Prometheus is the most like Iapetus.

i think Prometheus shares Iapetus’ mischievousness and his wit, which is exactly what causes him to end up being chained to a rock with eagles eating his liver :///

back to Iapetus though- i think he values loyalty a lot. so, during the Titanomachy, there is absolutely no question about him siding with Cronus- Cronus is his brother, and his King.. he set them free from Ouranos, and he even sacrificed his own children for the sake of peace, and, messed up as it is, i think Iapetus is pretty moved by that. 

i think Cronus always had more guts than the rest of the Titans, and Iapetus always admired that,, which is why he supports Cronus till the end,, and i imagine he must have been really disappointed in Prometheus when he learnt that Prometheus had sided with Zeus :(

THEMIS

okay so in the above section i said that i hc Themis to be a little vain.

now by “vain”,, i don’t mean that she was a narcissist or that she was arrogant,, but i think sometimes her siblings,, especially Iapetus,, would mistake her advice and counsel as sounding a bit self-righteous.

Themis is the goddess of divine law and order,, so essentially- justice. and i think that from all the Titans, she has the purest sense of right and wrong, and she’s incredibly wise and sensible.

so for the Titans that tend to bend the rules a little- like Cronus and Iapetus, sometimes her advice doesn’t go down too well.

additionally, justice isn’t always what we want it to be- it’s not always nice, and it’s not always pleasant, and sometimes it doesn’t feel fair. and Themis embodies that concept, which is why she doesn’t always get along with her siblings (to clarify though- none of the Titans hate each other!! they’re still siblings, and they love each other, pre-Titanomachy).

as an individual though, i think Themis is very outspoken. she’s very loud, and i think she is just a little judgemental.

it’s said that Themis had oracular powers, and that when Cronus became King, he made her the oracle- and i like that idea, it makes sense.

although Themis can be harsh, she always gives good advice and wise counsel, and only a complete dumbass would hear her words and choose not to heed them.

during the Titanomachy, Themis undoubtedly sides with Zeus. and after that, i think she continues to serve Olympus with her wisdom and judgement.

this isn’t strictly related to anything, but in Egyptian mythology, the goddess of justice is Ma’at, and i love the idea of Themis and Ma’at hanging out together, doing social justice things... awesome ^-^

MNEMOSYNE

finally, Mnemosyne <3

“Mnemosyne” is such a lengthy name, so i have this hc that her siblings call her “Mnemo” instead (like, Nemo) :D

anyways, Mnemosyne is the titan of memory, and her children are the Muses, who pretty much embody every aspect of the Arts, and i think that really hints at Mnemosyne’s character.

i hc Mnemosyne to be extremely gifted at pretty much everything.

but, even though she knows that she’s really gifted, she isn’t the kind of person to show off about it. she’s always gracious and willing to teach others her talents.

i think she has a really superb voice, and when the Titans were young, i think she might’ve sung for her younger siblings.

Mnemosyne is also a little feisty i think. she’s short-tempered, but in saying that, i think it’s difficult to make her angry.

again, a kinda random hc here but i really like the idea that Mnemosyne’s weapon of choice is a battle-axe. i mean, she’s this sweet, kind-looking goddess, but she’s swinging her battle-axe and is about to wreak real havoc. it’s great ^-^

[linkspooky]

Shigaraki’s Plus Ultra

Chapter 281. The chapter is called “Plus Ultra” because Shigaraki is showing the same Plus Ultra determination the heroes always show. It’s the same scene. Deku screaming after the Muscle fight is a direct parallel to the way Shigaraki screams here the pose is exactly the same. It’s y’know, a parallel? Them boys are the same. Horikoshi loves setting up parallels. Now the villain of the story is parallelling the hero of the story, continuing to fight against an impossibly strong enemy even while his body is breaking down and everybody else is begging him to just give up already. Shigaraki is just another hero of the story, he has an origin that motivates him (like Bakugo, Shoto, Deku) he has a group of friends that he fights for, and now he’s going way beyond plus ultra to defeat the bad guy in front of him. 

1. Muscle Fight

There are several parallels to the muscle fight within this scene which was Deku’s first big solo moment as a hero in the manga. 

The first is that we’re getting a repetition of the idea that heroes hurt their own families to save total strangers. Deku is told directly that Kouta’s parents chose to die as heroes to save a random civilian rather than come home alive for the child who should have been their first priority. 

Yes, it’s not like it would have been right to let a random person die but still. The two parents knew being heroes was a high-risk occupation. They chose to have a child, then they chose to take that risk and not have the child be their first priority. Kouta’s bitterness is over the fact his parents chose to be heroes rather than be his parents. 

Shigaraki’s words and situation mirror Kouta’s, because Shigaraki is the analog of all abused children in the story. Himiko, Dabi, Hawks, Kouta, even Eri they are all meant to foil Shigaraki. Shigaraki is a victim of the current hero society, and he’s also a metaphor for all the other victims. He and Kouta says these things because they’ve both been through it. Kouta’s parents hurt him by not making him their top priority. Nana Shimura chose to be a hero, instead of retiring as a hero and being a mother to her son and going into hiding with him and that’s something Kotaro and then Shigaraki faced the consequences of. 

Shigaraki knows that hero’s don’t save people, and instead focus on punishing problem elements to maintain a status quo in society because he’s lived it. Kouta doesn’t see why his parents were out being heroes in the first place when they could have been at home raising him. Shigaraki lived in a busy town filled with heroes, and yet with a surplus of heroes running around on the street no hero even tried to save him.

It’s not because Shigaraki did anything wrong, he was a five-year-old kid. It’s because saving him would have been difficult, he was ugly, he was dirty. Shigaraki is saying that collectively hero society works by ignoring what the real problems are, and instead, everybody focuses on the glamour of heroes and pretends everything is okay. When heroes don’t even need to exist in the first place. That’s what Kouta says as well. His parents didn’t need to be heroes. If you choose to bring a child into the world, your first priority should be that child because they are completely dependent on you. The child doesn’t have a choice, the parents do. 

“Heroes hurt their families to help complete strangers” is also a rallying call to show that heroes aren’t protecting the people most in need of protecting, people like Shigaraki, Dabi, Kouta, who are all the biggest victims were also people who were literally related to heroes but didn’t get saved. Heroes don’t save the people they are obligated to save. We see this repeated time and time again. Endeavor cared more about being a hero than his own family, to the point where he neglected two children, let Touya die, and then beat up his own son in “training” for most of his life. Shimura Nana abandoned her child and left him with lifelong scars. 

It’s not just that the heroes are flawed though, or that they fail sometimes. If it was just that, then Shigaraki’s response wouldn’t be merited. 

Shigaraki, Twice, Dabi, and Himiko the people who have suffered under the system the most have been repeating the same criticisms again and again. One, the system still allows abuses to happen (Heroes hurt their own families) and two Heroes don’t actually fight to protect victims they fight to protect the system itself (Heroes don’t save people). 

If heroes don’t save their own families and the people closest to them, and they don’t save the people who are the biggest victims of the system then who are the pro heroes saving? 

Heroes are not defending people, but rather the hero system itself. The hero system convinces people that it needs to exist when it doesn’t keep general peace, and rather than actually trying to improve the society they instead keep the conflict between heroes and villains going because that conflict convinces the masses that the hero system is needed. It’s as Kouta says, people are going to keep calling themselves heroes and villains and fighting each other forever and it’s stupid. 

This system feeds into itself. Shigaraki is literally telling us what happens. People like Twice, Himiko, Dabi, Spinner all get cast out for not meeting society’s standards. They eventually get radicalized and fight back and retaliate against a system that has been violent to them. Then the heroes put them down. Then, more people get cast out. As Shigaraki says, this system is just going to keep perpetuating itself forever. Heroes don’t protect people, they protect the system that is in place first and foremost. 

Anyway, back to the Deku and Kouta scene. A hero tries to kill a child. 

Deku, even though he’s fighting all alone with no back up at all against an enemy FAR MORE POWERFUL than him, just WON’T STOP FIGHTING. 

Shigaraki faces enemies who are trying to kill him. However, just like that Deku, he WON’T GIVE UP, even when his body is far past the point of breaking. Shigaraki is told to die, just give up and die, over and over again by everyone around him but he keeps fighting against that. 

Deku’s number one priority is that he has to fight back against the villain who killed both of Kouta’s parents in order to save an abused child. 

Shigaraki is that abused child, fighting back. Muscle was someone willing to kill a child. Who is Shigaraki fighting against now? Three people who made a choice to harm children.

Gran Torino chose to do nothing when Nana abandoned her child, and then never checked up on that child after she died. He chose to help Nana, rather than helping the child she abandoned. 

Endeavor abused Shoto in order to make a hero that can surpass All Might. He chose to be the number one hero, rather than Shoto’s father. He also only chose to have a family to benefit himself and his ambitions in the first place.

Aizawa Shota literally had a friend die on a hero internship and knows the dangers of it, but he chose to let the kids all come along into a warzone and fight against villains who will be trying their best to kill them. 

Not only is Shigaraki Kouta, but there’s also a scene where Kouta gets victim-blamed. 

The question asked is who is at fault. 

We see the same victim-blaming behavior done by the heroes this time. It’s Shigaraki’s fault for being born, being kidnapped by AFO, for manifesting a destructive quirk, it’s what Shigaraki is told over and over again. 

And the abusers who Shigaraki is fighting against all have no reaction. Endeavor literally has no self-awareness when he hears Shigaraki say “My father told me heroes hurt their own families in order to save random strangers.” Even though... that’s exactly what Endeavor did. 

Gran Torino’s dying flashback shows us just that. He blamed Shigaraki, not because Shigaraki was at fault but because he just couldn’t admit that he was the one who made the wrong choice. Gran Torino is literally partially to blame for what happened to Shigaraki, the same way Kouta is directly confronted by the villain who killed his parents. 

Shigaraki is having his plus Ultra moment right now. He’s struggling against an impossible enemy all alone and trying to bear the conflict on his shoulders. He even physically parallels the actions of several heroes. He did the “Plus Ultra” pose with the wrong arm like Endeavor did after defeating the high end. (One step further, he parallels the High-End fight by getting up and continuing to fight even after being horribly scarred by the enemy). He is giving him all fighting against a villain, that villain is just all of hero society. 

2. Two Heroes

All Might suggested that what Deku is lacking in as a hero, he can find and make up for by recognizing that quality in someone else and working together with them. However, Deku’s problem isn’t really that he’s not obsessing enough over his personal strength. Like, get stronger has basically been Deku’s objective since chapter one. 

Bakugo isn’t the deuteragonist of this story, Shigaraki is. Shigaraki is the second hero that Deku needs to recognize. The reason why is simple, Deku has this strong urge to save people, but he doesn’t know what saving people really means. He thinks saving people is swooping in to defeat a bad guy and that’s it. 

Deku can’t tell Kouta anything of substance, because he doesn’t understand Kouta’s problems, which is exactly what Shigaraki himself says. The thing is Deku is participating in the victim-blaming here. Deku says that it’s KOUTA’s FAULT because KOUTA IS THE ONE REJECTING OTHERS. However, it’s the other way around. It’s Kouta’s parents who first rejected him. Then it was everybody who praised Kouta’s parents as heroes when they failed their responsibility for their children.  They’re incapable of understanding because they haven’t suffered it. 

Deku only knows his limited perspective of the world. He rejects the perspectives of people like Shigaraki. He says Shigaraki is someone impossible to understand but we know that’s not the case, because not only is Shigaraki Deku’s strongest foil in the story they literally have the same origin point, they both wanted to be heroes when everyone told them they couldn’t. The only difference is this, Deku got saved, and Shigaraki didn’t. As someone who got saved, Deku can’t understand the feelings of those who don’t get saved. 

However, it goes beyond that. Why does Shigaraki say that heroes are incapable of understanding the feelings of villains? The question to ask with structures of power is to look at who benefits. Endeavor faces no consequences for his actions towards his family, even though he at least admits that he made a whoopsie. Everybody else still sees Endeavor as a hero within society. Endeavor retains his position because society is built to keep heroes in place. Society is structured in a way that everyone will stay in the same position. The heroes remain, heroes, the muck remains the muck. The power structure has to stay in place no matter what, so people operating within society make choices to keep the power structure in place rather than doing what is right or wrong. 

People aren’t protecting people, but rather the structures in place. The structures that are in place, currently as they are benefits people like Endeavor. Endeavor is successful by all marks of society. He has a high case rate of solves, he is wealthy, he has enough influence to throw around that he can fast track his kid to the best school possible. Endeavor is what society tells us a good, successful person is like, but we know he’s rotten as a person. 

The society that Shigaraki talks about is already broken. It’s just the people who feel the most effects of society’s broken nature, are its biggest victims. Society already broke for Shigaraki, it already broke for Dabi, it already broke for Himiko. Deku and friends can pretend everything is fine and wipe everything under the rug because they haven’t suffered that way.  Even those who have like Shoto mostly keep quiet about their situations. Shoto’s path so far inside the hero system has been conforming with what his father wants of him, interning at his agency. Even those who genuinely have been hurt exist in an environment that encourages them to keep their hurt feelings quiet for the benefit of everyone and conform more. Everybody always telling Shoto what a good hero his father is, and generally being completely ignorant of what his father did to him, even people like All MIght, is a pressuring force that tells him to ignore how the system has failed him. Deku is surrounded by people who either haven’t been victimized at all or who are “good victims” which are either completely innocent children who present an uncomplicated image of an abused child to be saved. (Here’s a hint most real-life abused children act nothing like Eri, a lot of abused children develop violent tendencies, lash out, and act out because the violence they’ve endured literally stunts the growth of their brains). Or the people are “good victims” who like Todoroki Shoto still try to become heroes even when the hero system has failed them. Deku has no reason to question his actions or the actions of the people around him because as long as you’re a hero you are on the side the benefits for the most part. People who are secure of their position within their society don’t really need to question the feelings of those who are insecure. 

They haven’t been hurt. They also don’t really want to understand the feelings of those who have been hurt. Because, Hero Society is all about protecting institutions, symbols, and not actual people. THIS IS WHY we see something so ridiculous as Endeavor literally hearing “Heroes hurt their own families - my father told me that” and yet, SOMEHOW NOT REALIZING THAT THOSE WORDS APPLY TO HIM AS WELL. Even though that’s literally... exactly what he did. 

Not only does Hero Society only try to save good victims, but when Hero Society fails to save people, the bad victims are actively dehumanized and made out to be at fault for their own victimhood. Citation: The many many time's Gran Torino suggested five-year-old Shigaraki Tomura was just born evil, and therefore there’s nothing that can be done. 

This is because once again the actual focus of hero society is not in addressing problems, but rather blaming the ills of society on a few problem elements. If we could just get rid of those baddies who are causing problems for everybody else society would be fixed. 

So people like Twice are forced into impossible situations.  His parents are killed by Villains. He’s fired from his job even though he was obeying traffic laws and the person he hit wasn’t.  He ended up homeless on the street as a teenager.  What was Twice supposed to do then? Starve to death? Victims are put into impossible situations where retaliation is really their only option, and then they’re blamed for retaliating. Then those victims get punished. The society acts like the problem is solved, but it’s not because the society is still broken. It’s still letting people fall through the cracks. AND DON’T GO ‘NO SOCIETY IS PERFECT.’ A few social programs would have helped Twice a lot more than putting on a costume, calling him a villain, and punching him did in the end. Everyone is so in love with the idea of heroes they don’t try to fix what’s right in front of their eyes. The problem isn’t that society is not perfect. It’s that everone would rather ignore the problem, rather than address it and try to solve it. 

Deku’s biggest strong point is his love of heroes. His biggest flaw is his love of heroes. He is completely uncritical of the current system of heroes. Yes, he’s fifteen so it’s obvious he might not know better but there are times Deku shows a surprising lack of empathy. He just cuts it off if he’s facing a villain. Like for example here’s Koichi acting like a decent person.

O’Clock was trying to hurt Koichi, and yet when he sees the horrible condition that O’clock II is in, his first response is to ask if he’s okay, and ask him if he needs help. Because you know... he’s still a person? Even if he’s a bad person having half of his face burned off means he’s in horrible pain and he still needs help? 

Deku is just like the old lady we’re shown in Shigaraki’s flashback. He believes in heroes so much, he’ll ignore the suffering of somebody right in front of him. Is Deku obligated to sympathize with Shigaraki? I guess not, but Koichi does with O’Clock even while the other is barking threats at him. 

Deku’s naivete can hurt people even though he wants to help people. Deku declares that Shigaraki is unforgivable. However, Deku also before this arc started already seemed to have made up his mind to forgive Endeavor. 

 Endeavor is system APPROVED TM and Shigaraki is not. Deku divides people into good or bad people, and then doles out sympathy depending on who he thinks is deserving of it or not. Deku’s own prejudices are highly reminiscent of the way hero society functions as well. AND DO NOT BRING UP GENTLE. GENTLE was only going to crash a school festival. That’s like making Deku out to be a saint because he didn’t think a person who J-walked was evil. 

Deku’s blind naivete can hurt people too. How much did Deku’s careless words hurt Natsuo? It’s not that Endeavor needs to be forgiven. Endeavor has already been forgiven. He’s never been held accountable for his actions.   

Instead of Endeavor being held accountable for his actions, Natsuo is continually made out to be the bad guy for not forgiving Endeavor and moving on with his life. Instead of directly addressing the abuses, victims are instead silenced and told to move on with their lives. 

The reason I bring up Natsuo as a point is that even people who aren’t harming anybody, are made out to be the problem. People around Natsuo constantly imply that he’s the one disrupting the household. This behavior of telling victims to remain quiet, HURTS EVERYONE EQUALLY even those who don’t react in extreme ways like Dabi, Himiko, Shigaraki. 

Deku will never be able to sympathize with people like Shigaraki because he hasn’t seen what they’ve been through. Shigaraki however, has been just like Deku saving people all this time. 

It’s Shigaraki who has been getting close to the people hero society wouldn’t save, who’d never try to save, and saving them all along. Deku’s flaw, that he’s too naive to save the people who most need saving is Shigaraki’s feature. Shigaraki’s flaw that he can’t see a better world beyond all the destruction is Deku’s feature. 

Deku won’t challenge the world that is currently in place. Shigaraki won’t try to do anything to build, he just wants to destroy and be done with it. 

Deku protects. Shigaraki wants to protect but only thinks he’s good for destruction. 

They both only carry half of the answer with them. A better world can’t be built with the old world still in place. A better world can’t be built if your only focus is on destroying the old one, and not on healing. 

Shigaraki and Deku are woefully incomplete as heroes without one another. 

The story between Shigaraki and Deku will end not with two brothers killing each other, but with two brothers reconciling. 

The thing is... The chant isn’t. “All for One.” Or. “One for All.”  It was never about one answer being the best way to do things. The chant goes “All for One, and One for All.”  It was always both.  Both Shigaraki and Deku. This story has two heroes. 

[trihardent]

SO OBSESSED with how if we define honour as A) a willingness to go into battle, B) being honest and C) keeping to your word/ obligations that it perfectly maps onto The Red Army, who have honour, and their enemies, who don't.

FURTHER MORE

IF WE VIEW THE ENTIRE TEXT THROUGH THE LENS OF HONOUR VS DISHONOUR, IMPULSES BETRAYAL IS MORE CLEARLY FORESHADOWED, THE REASON WHY THE RED ARMY MADE SO MANY ENEMIES IS THEMATICALLY EXPLAINED, AND IT EVEN ADDS ANOTHER ELEMENT OF GREATNESS TO THE RENCHANTING DUOS CHARACTER GROWTH.

OK. First off. Renchanting Duo. Because its super quickneasy to explain, & I'm trying rlly hard to keep interest for as long as possible b4 ppls eyes glaze over at the wall of text.

Ren and Martyn's character arcs are to respectively, A) learn to be willing to stick up for your self, & B) learning to dedicate yourself* to others. So, they both become more honourable. And, as A DIRECT RESULT of BECOMING MORE HONOURABLE, REN MAKES SCAR HIS ENEMY. LEADING TO THE RED ARMY, THE ORGANIZATION REPRESENTING HONOUR, FORMING.

SO, WE LITERALLY SEE THEIR CHARACTER GROWTH CREATE THE SERVERS BIGGEST FACTION, WHICH IS BASED ON THE VALUES THEY HELPED EACH OTHER LEARN.

*screams*

*Dedicating oneself to others is not necessarily an inherent gain of honour like Ren's Arc is, but the looking at Martyn's behaviour we see how dedicating himself to Renchanting stopped him from really falling into dishonourable behaviour [see: his early penchant for heists]

OK. Second. Impulse's betrayal. There are a lot of moments where Impulse is shown to be less honourable than the others, him saying he'd give his life for Ren and then backing away the moment an actual arrow is shot, all the half truthing and dodging blame and sucking up to everyone.

As the thesis states, Red Army = Honour. If you're honourable, youre in, if youre dishonourable, youre out. So if you're skirting the line of dishonour, yet claiming to be honourable.......... You're foreshadowing :)

But. MY ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE MOMENT. What could be called the actual betrayal, Impulse leading the Red Army away from Dogwarts so the Crastle can trap it.

OK LIKE. Impulse has already been shown to be semi-dishonourable, and because the Red Army stand for honour, thats already foreshadowing that he's a traitor when he joins up. But. BUT. THE WAY HE BETRAYS THEM is one of THE MOST DISHONOURABLE THINGS HE COULD DO. LET'S TALLY UP MY MOST RECENT INVENTION, THE HONOUR POINTS SHALL WE?

He makes a secret (-1) plan with the Crastle folks to betray the Red Army (-1) so he can prove his loyalty to them (+1). Impulse is to lure them away(-1) so Tango can set a trap(-1). When he gets there, he convinces the Red Army INSTEAD of going into battle (-2) that THEY SHOULD START LYING (-2) and SPREADING FAKE NEWS (-2) across the server. Before having an absolute spy moment where he gives the secret go signal (-1) for the Crastle to, need I remind you, do something very dishonourable. Which! He manages to lie (-1) about after so he can get his stuff!!!!!!!!

-11 honour points!

So. His first explicit mission to betray the Red Army has him not only flagrantly breaking every ideal they stand for at least twice over, but ALSO CORRUPTING the Red Army into going against their own principles.

cool.

Finally. Their Enemies. Strategically, making so many enemies was pretty failcringe. THEMATICALLY though, THEMATICALLY. Good stuff. basically just a list of all the ways you could consider their enemies dishounarble by the criteria I laid out in the beginning. I've officially talked about all the Very important stuff so formatting is minimal from here on out.

Desert Duo: Scar's literal defining trait throughout the series was being seen as untrustworthy and exactly 0 people believing he was gonna follow through on any deal he made ever. Also, cue @/red-rose-gown's post about most of Scar's kills being while his enemies were facing away and the one that wasn't was because he was backing away. Scar basically never took an honest fight with anyone until the final duel w/ Grian, it was all running away and traps and hiding and distractions for him. Speaking of Grian, the trap king himself. Need I say anymore? Probably, but this has been sitting in my drafts for a month now.

Flower Husbands: Scott "Well He Doesn't Know I'm a Liar Yet" Smajor who just wanted to retire, and not go into battle. Not an honour move bro. Shout outs to the Daisy fiasco*, dishonour on you, dishonour on your husband, dishonour on your cow. Obviously Mr. "I don't wanna kill anyone" Gaming, who was planning on hiding the entire rest of the game also does not count as honourable.

ALSO the thing that made them official enemies was not wanting to go into possible danger ala Jimmy being freaked out over the idea of a sacrifice.

Crastle: A)Their whole thing was combat avoidance by hiding in the castle. 2.1) Bdubs hiding from the red army after they killed Cleo and Tango, 2.2) Bdubs disavowing Cleo after she was permakilled in front of him because he was scared of the red army, C.a) llama thievery C.b) roof burnage, no matter its target, is lowkey dishonourable, 4) the helmet stunt was literally a way for Bdubs to kill Etho without having to actually fight him.

Joel: See, the Daisy fiasco, the wall burning, the missile launch, the betrayal of the Red Army, I feel like this ones pretty self explanatory.

Tango: Double agentry, and The lava game was a way to murder people without combat, so dishonour. dishonourrrr. that not a real word to me rn thanks for reading this entire thing <3

[wonderlustlucas]

calefaction - hwang hyunjin

⇢ prompt “You make my heart go boom boom.” ⇢ pairing hyunjin x female reader ⇢ word count 8.1k ⇢ genre fluff & smut ⇢ warnings explicit sexual content, dry humping, a shitty handjob, oral (f receiving), referral to oral as “coochie suck,” okay it got really soft & fluffy at the end i’m sorry, comedy / crack because han jisung & ot9 are FOOLS ⇢ summary In another universe, your life does not revolve around keeping your infatuation over the boy with the pretty smile secret. In another universe, he does not know how much you like him, nor does he harbor the same feelings. But not in this universe. In this one, your heart beats fast for Hwang Hyunjin, but his beats faster.—friends to lovers!au ⇢ a/n omg WHAT i can’t believe this is 8k ajhdjhfjd it was supposed to be like a quick 4k cuz it was Hard Hours but here we are......yikes.....not necessarily the first fic for hyunjin i wanted to post but it ended up being really cute:) i hope you enjoy! pls like & reblog if you do, i love reading tags ♥︎

There has always been something about him that caught her attention. The first time she met him it was his mouth that she found herself focusing on; in between the white and gold and blue fireworks exploding above them, she would sneak glances across their friend’s back patio to admire the way each color lit up his face. Every time he took a sip of whatever sloshed in his red plastic cup his lips would glisten before his tongue darted out to swipe away the moisture and oh God, she would kill to do that for him. As the celebration dragged on she found herself edging closer, swallowing down more liquid courage with each shot just so she could catch a better look at his teeth and his smile and the way his face lit up and nose scrunched and eyes disappeared into cute little crescents every time he laughed. She wanted to make him giggle like that. There was no other that matched his. He put all the stars and all the fireworks to shame— who was that?

The second time she was in his company, she could not help but swoon over what an absolute sweetheart he was and all she wanted to do was tuck the precious baby in her pocket and shower him with love. And yet this all came simply by joining her friends at the nearby bowling alley for a night. Unbeknownst to her, his friend group and hers were evidently meeting up and even though she ended up not playing against him, she was determined to know something about him before she left. Hwang, he set his name as— she felt awkward randomly asking him for his full name, and so she decided instead to ask him if he would come with her to buy pitchers of soda for the two groups while they finished setting up the games.

“Sure!” He smiled right away, turning away from his friends and leading the way. Immediately her heart skipped a beat and she hurriedly followed after him, staring at his red converse the whole time. “What’s your name?” He suddenly asked, taking smaller steps in order to match her pace. When she looked up at him to meet his curious gaze and tilted head she nearly stopped right then and there to scream.

Instead she swallowed the lump in her throat and answered him, then asked for his own since the opportunity had been served to her on a silver platter.

“Hyunjin,” he said, the name slipping softly past his lips and she found herself muttering it under her breath as he ordered two pitchers of soda and two pizzas at the counter. She loved it. Hyunjin. She knew his name! Comfortable silence fell over the new acquaintances and she was content leaving it that way, too fearful she would give away her nervousness and stutter out dreadful small talk. Besides, just being there next to him and admiring his pretty face when he was not looking was more than enough.

They did not speak anymore after that until he praised her later on for the strike she made and even though all she could do was thank him, she physically could not stop looking to him just to grin after watching him cheer so jubilantly for her. But now she was distracted, watching him instead of her own friends when he would go up to bowl and oh God oh God oh God he’s so cute and wow his hair looks so soft and Jesus Christ his smile is the prettiest thing in the entire world.

But her admiring did not go unreciprocated. She felt jittery all over and could not stop chewing on her lip whenever it was her turn, walking slowly to pick up her ball with the weight of his gaze from behind. Before when her fingers would slip into the ball’s holes, she would never really care about how many pins she would knock down; now, she held onto the polished marble globe for dear life and prayed each time she would not look like a fool and throw her bowl into the gutter.

Her prayers generally were answered for the three games they played and she landed herself in second place each time. But her smile was not from a job well done; rather from the cheerful grin Hyunjin would flash her no matter how many pins she knocked down when all her other friends were too busy gawking at Han Jisung and Lee Minho and the rest of his friends. She felt warm and loopy all over again, this time not from alcohol, and she really, really wanted to plant herself next to him—Hell, right on his lap— and kiss him, but knew that would be outrageously ludicrous for someone she technically just met only a few hours ago. She opted instead to cheer him on after his turns as he was doing for her, and just hearing his giggle in response was enough to sate her.

And so the night slowly drew to a close, her friends and his rendered tired and bored with nothing left to talk about for the time being. Even though her heart leapt at the possibility of Hyunjin initiating something, she reminded herself again that it was unlikely and truly was not that disappointed when all he did was wave goodbye on their way out. It’s alright, she told herself, it’s not like this is the last time you’re going to hang out. Afterall, it seemed like the two friend groups were slowly beginning to fuse.

And for the next few months, she was right. As summer quickly rounded the corner she found herself spending more time around him and learning new things about him each time. When she first heard him mention dance in a conversation with Minho at Changbin’s end-of-the-year bonfire, she couldn’t help but lean over in her seat to hear him more clearly. Great, here he was, the literal most perfect human alive, talking about his newest dance routine minutes after taking her side of the argument that summer reading wasn’t all that bad if you just gave the books a chance.

He was just about flawless in every sense of the word with his stupidly pretty plump lips and the beauty marks under his left eyelid and the right side of his jaw and neck and God, the way he talked about his dog Kkami? She was head over heels.

Nevertheless, she did not want to overstep her boundaries and opted instead to avoid getting too close to the untouchable boy, fearful that if she had one more conversation with him over how watermelon is the superior fruit that she would eventually just implode. She hoped she was not coming off cold; because, let’s be real, Hyunjin will cling like a koala if you allow him to and it was more than obvious that she was keeping a distance from him, hoping their relationship would not go beyond mutual friends. She could only hope that he would not notice through the rose-colored glasses he watched life behind.

When her phone buzzed with a text message in their group chat from Felix asking if they could go to her place for night swimming, she sat up in bed and thought for a long minute for some excuse to give to avoid having them all over. It wasn’t that she did not have the house for it, and her parents were out for the night— she simply felt obligated to clean the place up for everyone since they had never hung out at hers before. However, she felt guilty since she was the only one with a pool and eventually texted back that it was fine for them to come over.

Nonetheless, there were not enough hours in the day, it seemed, to calm her nerves of having to reveal so much of her bare body to them all when it came to wearing a bathing suit. When Minho and Hyunjin arrived first, the light of the day had just drained away, leaving the sunset’s pink and orange colors subdued in the fading light and the first chirping crickets and buzz of mosquitoes took over what the birds had retired for the night. As the host for the evening, she felt it was impolite to join the two in the pool when so many more of their friends would be arriving, so she left her t-shirt on and waited against the patio table while the two of them undressed.

She tried to keep her eyes away— really, she did, but in the close silence of the dim evening light she could not help but look upwards, her gaze instinctively travelling to Hyunjin. With his back to her, she felt guilty gawking at the broadness of his shoulders and the way the muscles of his back rippled as he took off his shirt, so she tore her stare away only seconds before him or Minho could notice how flustered she had become just by his bare back.

She refused to join the others until the entire group had arrived, even if that meant sitting and standing by herself while all her friends goofed around. It’s alright, she told herself, now I can slip in without anyone noticing. As soon as Eunsook set her things down and joined everyone else playing Sharks and Minnows, she finally turned the music blaring from the speaker up higher and shimmied out of her shirt before skipping over to the stairs and quickly submerging herself into the water despite the chill that had her teeth clattering.

“Alrighty, time to head home,” Minho teases as soon as he notices her paddling towards them; she rolls her eyes before disappearing below the surface and swimming for him. Even underwater she can still hear his yelps when her fingers come to pinch roughly at his sides. When she resurfaces, she is met with a splash to her face, which ends up hitting Jeongin next to her and in a blink of an eye an entire war is breaking out.

She is still too cold to participate and hurriedly backs away from all the splashing, opting instead to watch the chaos until her body acclimates to the freezing temperature of the water. “Are you cold?” A melodious voice whispers softly at her ear, sending a different kind of chill shooting down her spine. She turns slightly, relieved but terrified to see how close Hyunjin hovers behind her; she did not even notice him approach her. “Freezing,” she laughs quietly, hands rubbing at her arms that are rough with goosebumps.

He hums, seemingly lost in thought for a moment as he stares delicately at her before he presses himself against her back and crosses his arms above her chest, his head sitting gently in the crook of her neck. “Better?” Hyunjin purrs, so close against her and oh God, her teeth seem to clatter even more despite the way her lower stomach jumps and warmth spreads throughout her limbs.

“Yeah,” she whispers, breathless, brain still trying to register his skin against hers and therefore abandoning every other cognitive ability. Hyunjin makes a noise of content, tightening his grip on her and nestling into her neck. She can only pray that he pays no mind to the way she gulps nervously before forcing her attention back to the others still tussling in the shallower end of the water.

“___ is a pus—”

Minho starts to accuse before he is rudely interrupted by Changbin tackling him under the surface. In the meantime, Eunsook and the three other girls let out a series of panicked shrieks, scrambling to get out of the pool when Chan lets out a battle cry after giving the diving board a few experimental bounces. The same second he cannonballs off the board, Minho thrashes back up, still wrestling with Changbin. Evidently, both chaotic instances cause a surge of water her way and she scrambles backward and further against Hyunjin, accidentally rutting against him simply to dodge the spray.

So many things happen at one time she finds it a struggle to focus on each one. First, all she can register is the chlorine water meeting her eyes and stinging like a handful of needles. And then, just as Minho starts up his monologue again, her mind ultimately blocks out everything else occurring around her when a husky moan escapes Hyunjin’s lips.

“As I was saying, ___ is a pussy, she started this and all she’s doing is hiding away with lover boy,” Minho condemns as Hyunjin quickly unlocks his arms from around her in order to grab at her hips in reflex. Unable to form a coherent sentence, let alone a coherent thought, all she can do is shoot Minho the finger and give him a sarcastic glare. At her lack of a fight, Minho grumbles and turns away, chasing after Changbin who had swam to the deeper end.

The realization that she is essentially alone with Hyunjin at the other side of the pool sets over her like thick fog, and yet it seems to be that she is not the only one who is breathing heavily. She squeezes her eyes shut, willing herself to not only calm her beating heart but to ignore what she oh so wants to do while simultaneously gathering up the courage to do it. His slender fingers still gripping onto her hips for dear life eventually serves as a prompting enough green light and she at last makes up her mind. Just test it out again, she convinces herself with one last prayer to Heaven before lifting herself up slightly, allowing the water to help guide her movements as she rolls her body back onto him again. It elicits a carnal groan deep from his throat.

Just like that there is a fire in her veins, sparked to life by his presence and suddenly she’s not so cold anymore, everything feels ten times hotter and she silently spins around to face him, staring at him with sudden innocence. The ball is in his court.

“You’re a sly one, aren’t you?” Hyunjin teases with raised brows, large hands sliding down her waist, curving over her ass and settling on the underside of her legs to urge them around his hips. He looks unfairly gorgeous at the given moment, wisps of chestnut hair fallen over his forehead in soaked tufts and skin glowing with a sheen of water— a God, to be fair. “Not really,” she says honestly; unable to hold his hooded gaze, she instead follows after her palms as they run over the smooth skin of his arms, ghosting over his chest and making sure to brush over the beauty mark on his neck when they settle to link behind his head. Even though he trembles, she wonders whether he can feel the erratic beating of her pulse or secretly knows how much vulnerability hides beneath her façade.

“Hm,” he hums, fingers clutching tighter at her thighs, “I guess it makes sense now, though.”

“What makes sense?”

“That you have a crush on me, stupid. You avoid me like I have the plague so I thought you just didn’t like me in general or something. Turns out you like like me,” Hyunjin says, voice dripping in blatant delight and he wiggles his eyebrows at her when she finally looks back up to him, eyes widened in total embarrassment.

“I, well—”

She is just beginning to gather the brain cells necessary to explain herself when the oppressive boom of thunder cuts her off.

Caught completely off guard, a startled cry escapes her and she jumps, squeezing herself around Hyunjin and burying her face into the safety of his neck— since when was there going to be a storm? Nevertheless, her fright is totally washed away when he uses her proximity to his advantage and nips at the junction of her shoulder, red hot desire taking its place when he kisses over the mark.

“Nope, fuck, that’s it! I’m out!” Felix shouts, pushing Jeongin up the stairs with him and effectively ruining her moment of utter disbelief. “C’mon, we have to get out,” Hyunjin coos, reaching down to pry her legs off of him.

“It’s fine, honestly just let me die,” she sighs dreamily, floating on her back away from him. There is some truth in her exaggeration— her heart is already pumping at such an ungodly fast rate getting struck by lightning would practically be a blessing.

Hyunjin scoffs, grabbing her by the ankles and steering her toward the stairs. “No way Jose,” he says, flipping his hair once she stands on her own feet and sending a dozen water drops directly into her eyes, “there’s no way I’m letting you die before I get a taste of you.” And with that, he leaves her stranded on the stairs to process his words, something hot and heavy laying upon her abdomen. Taste? What does that mean? Did he mean a kiss or—

Shaking her head, she rids the tantalizing thought and slaps her cheeks to get the blood flowing again, trying to not focus on Hyunjin’s words and every moment leading up to them. As she follows after him to where the others cluster around the picnic table, she slowly discovers the error of her ways with an annoyed whine when she realizes she forgot to grab a towel for herself. She’s not about to go run inside for one downstairs when she has water dripping off her like a waterfall, but with the way distant thunder rolls across the malevolent sky she also understands that it won’t be long until her friends want to head home before the storm reaches them.

“Share with me,” she demands of Chan who stands next to her wrapped up in his own towel, her frame quivering with chills all over again. An exasperated grunt escapes him but he does not argue, lifting an arm to let her nestle beside him and share in some of his warmth. She mutters a thanks when he passes her the end of the towel and she curls it around them, making sure to soak up some of the droplets dotting her skin.

Standing in the midst of the rest of the group’s conversation, she really does make an attempt to pay attention to the chaos of their bantering, but it somehow feels like she’s stuck on the outside looking in. Even though she said goodbye to Woojin, Felix, Jeongin, Eunsook, and the other girls when they decided to head out, thinking over it a few moments later she can barely remember whether she hugged them on their way out or not. Or when Seungmin threw a Dorito at Jisung, Minho had said something that made her laugh but… what was it? Everything was going in one ear and out the other; which wasn’t a surprise, in all honesty, when the singular brain cell bouncing from each corner of her brain was focusing on Hyunjin and Hyunjin alone.

Even now, when she finds herself in a daze and mindlessly looks at him for the umpteenth time, she cannot help but notice how his jaw clenches and his eyes burn… resentfully back at her. What’s up with him? She wonders, chewing on her lip in worry that she had royally screwed up and he was regretting playing along. Just as her anxiety starts to get the best of her, he abruptly scoots his chair back from the table and stands with another hand carded through his hair.

“Where are you going?” Minho asks, forcing her back to reality and she holds her breath, afraid he’s going to say that he is heading home. Instead, he says with a goofy smirk, “I have to shit.”

When the rest of her friends break into a fit of laughter she finds herself sighing in relief, looking to him once more but then there he goes again— dark and hooded eyes glaring at her with an intensity that tightens her chest. She almost seems to wilt by the time he turns around, heart hammering in her chest because—while that was unnecessarily hot—her mind is a spinning top trying to figure out what she could have done to make him hate her all of a sudden.

“___?” Jisung interrupts her thoughts, “What about you?”

“Huh?” She blinks, having completely missed whatever conversation had been happening.

“Is lasagna just spaghetti flavored cake? Yes or no?”

For the first time in the last hour, her focus finally has to stop and think about something other than Hyunjin and she cannot help but crack a smile. “I mean, yeah. I’d say so.”

“HA! You lose,” Minho shouts, pointing at Jisung. “If ___ agrees, then, well…” Seungmin trails off, looking to her with an animated grin. Jisung only grumbles in reply, muttering something about how stupid everyone is while crossing his arms and sinking back into his seat like the child he is. “Speaking of ___,” Changbin singsongs, sharp features bright with amusement when he looks to her, “what’s up with you and Hyunjin?”

“What about me and Hyunjin?” She shoots back too quickly, transfixed instead on the coruscating reflection of the tiki torch flame on the glass table, unable to hold the weight of their stares.

“You guys weren’t very slick, y’know,” Chan comments, elbowing her in the ribs and she finally looks up to meet Changbin’s curious gaze at the table. “Honestly, I don’t know,” she admits with a shrug, abandoning Chan’s safeguard against the brewing storm winds to grab the bag of potato chips on the table, “he apparently knows I like him.”

“He what? Did you tell him? It would take a typed ten page single spaced letter for Hyunjin to ever possibly catch someone’s hints, he’s too slow,” Minho teases, grabbing her elbow to keep her from moving away so he can pick on the chips with her. “I couldn’t tell you. Maybe I accidentally told him one night in a drunk spur of the moment,” she lies, deciding that’s better than explaining how she experimentally grinded on him.

“Weird. Well, good luck with that. He can be a doofus,” Jisung says with a smile, reaching across the table for his crumpled shirt. “Thanks, I’ll need it. He was giving me death glares before he went inside so I have no idea what’s going on,” she grumbles, twisting to look over her shoulder out of fear he would walk out in the middle of their conversation.

“That’s weird. Did you say anything that would piss him off before you got out of the pool?” Chan asks, eyebrows scrunched in confusion. “Uh,” she pauses, thinking back to the whole taste thing, “nope.”

“Maybe he was just really constipated and it just so happened he was looking at you for help,” Seungmin muses with an amused grin. “Seungmin, are you telling me I made him have to poop?” She laughs, daring him to elaborate with raised brows.

“You never kn—”

Minho begins before the second cracking boom of thunder cuts him off, rendering them all struck speechless with shock. Right on cue rain begins to fall, slow to start and splattering them haphazardly.

“Oh, fuck!”

“Shit!”

“C’mon, we have to go!”

“WHY’S IT SO COLD?”

“Fuck, fuck, shit! Everything’s gonna be wet!”

They all seem to harmonize, chaos ensuing as they scramble to dress themselves while simultaneously gathering their belongings. Nevertheless, they can’t help but howl with laughter at the sudden adrenaline rush, hurrying to make it to their cars without getting too wet. “Bye!” She shouts as her five friends struggle past the locked gate to her back yard before disappearing out of view, wind beginning to pick up and carrying the small pellets of water in wild vortices one moment and in diagonal sheets the next. “Shit,” she hisses, frantic as she grabs her phone and what is left on the table before hurrying up the deck and into the safety of her home.

“Well, that sucked,” she mutters once inside, locking the sliding glass door and watching the rain that now falls as if from buckets from the blackened cloud dominating the sky above. She sets everything down on the kitchen island before moving to the refrigerator, opening the doors for no particular reason until the gurgle of a toilet flushing halts her movements. She pales as the realization hits her, leaning over to look into the foyer just as Hyunjin himself exits the bathroom down the hall.

“It’s raining,” he comments, shuffling around her shocked figure and nodding to the door as thunder cracks the air. She blinks, gut sinking with anxiety for she feels as if she’s stuck in limbo— was this sexual tension or was he mad at her for something? “A little rain never hurt nobody,” she hums awkwardly, following his gaze to watch the way tree branches sway erratically in the wind like flags high on their poles and instinctively wrapping her arms around herself to rub away the goosebumps.

The silence in the room is deafening and she’s holding her breath with the fear of the unknown heavy on her chest, praying for the floor to just swallow her up or for him to make the first move at either leaving or explaining… something.

“So,” Hyunjin starts when he looks to her instead, having apparently read her mind, “did you do that to purposely make me jealous?” When she closes the refrigerator doors and turns to him her pulse positively jump starts at the way he looks at her, eyes dark with something she can’t quite pinpoint. “Huh? What are you talking about?” She sputters when he moves closer, gaze frantically searching for something to look at that isn’t the indents of his collar bones or the toned pane of his stomach or even his eyes, too scared she would implode instantly if she did so.

“Either you’re dumb or you consciously cuddled up to Chan to make me jealous,” he elaborates menacingly in a tone she is certain she has never heard him use before and she instinctively steps back the closer he gets, pressed up against the cold marble of the island and oh, so that’s why he was glaring like that. She can’t help the breathy laugh that escapes past her lips and Hyunjin looks down at her with a vexed rise of his brows. “I’m sorry to tell you, but I’m just dumb,” she admits, finally maintaining eye contact now that he is so close and draws her attention to him like a fourth Newton law of motion, “I didn’t want to be too pushy.”

Hyunjin pouts, obsidian eyes melting into something more affectionate and bottom lip jutting out sadly. “Why would that make you pushy?” He asks gently, closing what space remains between them and pinning himself against her. His skin feels warm and smooth where it presses against her own and it feels as if nothing is real, that she is only dreaming when his slender fingers cup her face, holding her by the jaw and keeping her attention glued on him. “I— I don’t know. I was kind of whiplashed after the whole pool thing and I didn’t want to be all annoying and clingy if you didn’t want me too,” she explains shakily when his thumbs comfortingly caress her cheeks, gaze languidly studying her features but zeroing in on her tongue as it darts nervously between dry lips.

“Y’know,” Hyunjin breathes against them and her heart gives a single, solid thump, “I’m trying really hard to be all pissed at you for going to Chan instead of me, but you’re not making it easy.”

She can’t help the smirk that forms on her lips at his confession, finally lifting heavy arms to sling around his neck. “Oh shush, nothing can change the fact that you’re just a big softie, Hwang Hyunjin,” she teases with newfound courage, eyes glinting with tendrils of salacity and the atmosphere has most certainly shifted, heavy with the weight of desire and the drumming of rain on the roof only adds to her longing to press closer to him in the cold darkness, to feel, to touch, to taste.

“Oh, really?” Hyunjin scoffs, dropping a hand to trail his fingers over the curve of her hip. All softness having melted from his face, he now leans closer to whisper in her ear, “Are you sure that it’s going to be big softie Hyunjin who’s gonna make you cum all over his fingers?”

Well, he’s got her there; she visibly trembles in response to the boldness of his tantalizing statement, only able to stare back at him with wide eyes when he leans back to soak up her reaction. “Cat got your tongue?” He purrs, exceedingly proud of himself for having rendered her silent with shock. Enough talking, he decides, reaching for her hand and tugging her away from the kitchen island and into the living room where she stumbles after him like a rag doll.

“Is this okay?” Hyunjin asks gently again once she is seated on his lap, straddling his thighs between her own— when did that happen? His fingers digging into the softness of her upper thighs when he grabs her hips brings her focus back to the present and suddenly all of her senses are on fire; oh, he looks absolutely glorious beneath her, cheeks flushed warm and pink, tufts of dried hair fallen over the dark pools of his eyes that seem to hold galaxies within them. “M’perfect. You’re perfect,” she sighs, euphoria having melted her brain into a pile of incoherent mush and the knot in her stomach only winches tighter when his large hands trail dangerously close to where she wants him most.

Just as she begins to gather her wits to the situation she has found herself in, there comes a brilliant flash of white from outside the windows that flickers and dies like an almighty camera flash that blankets everything at once. Not even a heartbeat later the rolling boom of thunder reverberates overheard, the untamed power effectively rattling the entire house and she subconsciously clings tighter to him until the rumble dwindles past. When she opens her eyes once more, she is marginally closer than before the very heavens had split apart and Hyunjin smiles comfortingly at her, seizing the opportunity to move his hands back to cup her face before closing the distance and planting his lips on hers.

Despite having been caught so off guard, warmth blooms in her chest and she is dizzy with joy, every cell of her being vibrating in overwhelming elation when Hyunjin’s hot mouth melds to her own, the tip of his tongue prodding at the seam of her lips when she whines quietly into the kiss. What starts off soft and slow quickly turns into something more urgent, fueled by an intense fervor growing within her and it’s his lips, she decides, biting down on the supple flesh and drawing a whimper from his mouth to be muffled into hers.

“I could say the same about you,” Hyunjin finally replies to her unintentional compliment after pulling away, licking a stripe up the side of her throat before settling underneath her jaw to suck a tender mark, “that first night we met. At the bowling alley,” he pauses his biting with a sharp intake of breath when her wandering hands graze delicately beneath his belly button, “you were so cute, I didn’t know how to act around you. You’re always cute.”

She halts her movements at his words, sitting back on her haunches as a flush creeps up her face. “So you don’t remember seeing me before that?” She grins, reaching forward to run her fingers through his bangs.

“Before that?” Hyunjin asks skeptically, brows drawn together.

“Chan’s New Year’s party,” she chuckles, bending to kiss the mole along the curve of his neck, “that was the first time I saw you,” then the one on his jaw, “kind of been head over heels for you since.” When she plants a heartfelt peck on his reddened lips, he pouts back at her and she simply cannot fight the urge to kiss him again, licking at his bottom lip. “What’s a matter?”

“I’m sorry, how could I have not noticed you?” He actually apologizes, reaching for her waist and pulling her impossibly closer, although all it essentially does is drag her sensitive center roughly over his bathing suit bottoms. He does not miss the soft gasp that escapes her, his grip instinctively clutching harder in a weak attempt to keep himself grounded. “Can I make it up to you?” He proposes before she has even replied, a suggestive tilt to his voice and all she can do is nod, putty in his hands.

“Oh, God,” this is really happening, she sighs blissfully, weightless in his arms when he lifts her from his lap to gently lay her back down against the cool leather sofa cushions. It does not take long for him to join her once more, hovering dangerously close above her and she hardly manages to swallow past the lump in her throat, praying that he cannot hear the dizzying staccato of her heart slamming against her ribcage. “You okay?” Hyunjin asks softly, balancing his weight on one arm beside her when he reaches up first to brush hair away from her face, and then to trace the swell of her bottom lip.

“Yeah,” she sums, kissing the pad of his finger, “you’re just like… insanely, strikingly handsome. You make my heart go boom boom. I still think I’m dreaming.” Nice one. Real smooth.

His boyish giggle in response is a direct attack to her heart, and yet it still is not enough to prepare her for the embarrassed flush working itself across his cheeks. Oh. He then proceeds to bury his face in her neck to hide his shattered facade, flustered more than he would have liked to admit when trying to finger the girl he’s madly in love with.

“See? You’re like… perfect. Can’t you feel my heart? Earlier I was seriously hoping we would fuck but now I don’t even want to, I could just stare at you all day,” she spews honestly—what’s the point in holding back when this was the kind of response she would get?

“Oh my God,” he whines sheepishly, kissing hotly at her shoulder, “you make my life really difficult.”

“Imagine how I feel,” she huffs, swinging an arm over him to lovingly run her fingers up and down the burning skin of his back. Warm. He made her feel warm all over.

Hyunjin truly, literally whimpers in response to her soft ministrations; however, the amatory heat burning in his abdomen clearly has not left his mind and twists the notion into something much different as he mindlessly ruts against her center, a muffled groan escaping him at the partial relief and ultimately ruining the softness of the moment. “Oh,” she gasps, lifting her hips to meet his next upstroke in time with the wind picking up beyond the safety of his embrace, howling and crying and baying like a wolf into the night.

“Shit,” he grunts in her ear, the bulge of his length beneath his swim trunks dragging deliciously at just the right spot through her own bottoms, leaving her lightheaded and longing for something more, “do you mind?” He asks, breathless.

“Of course not,” she hums, spreading her legs further to give him better access.

“Fuck, you’re the best. I won’t last long, I’ve had blue balls for like, an hour,” Hyunjin laughs lightly before continuing his ministrations, keeping himself balanced above her as he rolls his hips to meet hers. A strangled grunt deep from the back of his throat leaves his parted lips and she decides she absolutely will never hear or watch anything hotter with the way he drags his clothed length over her.

No matter how much he shudders in pleasure, he seems to struggle to meet that perfect, earth shattering angle, and so she offers a hand—literally—and reaches to palm him. “F-fuck,” he hisses, movements grown shaky and sloppy with her squeezing him so tightly through the material of his trunks. She tries her best at dragging her hand up and down his shaft with the limited space, pressing specifically at the tip in time with him thrusting into her palm. No matter how shitty it is, it seems to do the job for how far gone he is, head thrown back and body trembling as he comes inside his boxers with a sharp moan. Disgusting, and he’ll probably regret it later, but right now it’s a breath of fresh air. Plus, it’s pretty hot that his dream girl 1) just let him hump her and 2) gave him a rushed handjob through his pants that still made him cum.

After a long minute to compose himself, he presses a grateful, messy kiss to her lips that ends up being more of a messy clash of teeth and tongue. Then, like the perfect gentleman he is, Hyunjin lifts himself up to gaze at her longingly once again and asks with heavy-lidded eyes, “Let me go down on you?”

Her eyes nearly pop out of her head and she thanks the heavens she is not standing or else she most certainly would have toppled to the ground under the weight of his words and the hoarseness of his voice. “Do you want to clean up first?” She asks fretfully. Truthfully, it’s more to give her another minute to mentally prepare herself.

“I’ll deal with it later,” Hyunjin grins like the little devil-angel he is before kissing her again, silencing her worries with his tongue wrapping around hers and it oh so unfairly becomes hot and messy and titillating again, driving her closer to an edge she had not seen the warning signs for. This time her fingers thread through his hair, pushing back mussed bangs to rest her forehead against his as they share a labored breath. When he begins his journey south, he trails down her throat and punctuates each suck and nip on her skin with an openmouthed kiss, ravishing all the way over the swell of her breasts and down her abdomen until it seems as if every inch of her skin is glistening with moisture and dotted with tender marks.

Hyunjin shifts his weight in order to scoot down the length of her frame, this time resting so much closer to where she so desperately needs him to be. One scorching hand drags up her thigh, carefully hooking around the elastic of her bottoms and she weakly raises her hips to help him yank them down her legs. No matter how much of a struggle it is to get them down to her knees, they manage nonetheless and she rids the flimsy garment with an anxious kick once they reach her ankles.

“Just remember,” Hyunjin rasps after hooking her legs over his shoulders, thumb ghosting over her clit and her body jumps for it, “Bang Chan didn’t make you this wet. I did. All me, right?” He’s practically growling at this point, not patient enough to wait for her answer and opting to go straight for the kill with his mouth suckling around her clit harshly. “Oh, Jesus. Fuck,” she whines, hips raising to follow the warmth of his tongue but his free hand quickly presses them back down. “Yes. You. All you,” she gasps out, hardly able to form a response at this point when all she can focus on is the way her body swells as his lips draw her forward, sucking long and hard.

“F-fuck, shit,” she whines, an intense buzz pumping hotly through her veins and fueling the fire in her gut with him practically sucking the life out of her. Somewhere in between him licking a slow strip up her slit and his fingers prodding teasingly at her entrance, all her mind can think of is the ‘fuck, go back’ meme— Hyunjin on the average day, just existing as his ethereal, exquisite, heavenly, goofy, dramatic self is already overwhelming. But thisHyunjin? And his stupid tongue and godsent lips?

It’s more than she can handle.

The infelicitous thought quickly slips her mind when Hyunjin more comfortably resituates himself in order to push two fingers past her walls at an agonizingly slow pace. With a strangled mewl, her hands instantly fly to tangle in his hair, raking through the strands for dear life when he immediately curls those long fingers of his, rubbing upward, stroking that hidden gem of a spot. “Hyunjin,” she can’t keep her voice down anymore, moaning the last bit loudly before biting her bottom lip to taper it into labored breathing.

“You’re the prettiest person I’ve ever seen,” Hyunjin compliments when he comes up for air, breaking away with a noisy pop that leaves her arms trembling violently, “also, really, really fucking hot. You’re gonna date me after this, right?” He adds as a nervous afterthought, the tempo of his fingering picking up as he rocks his hand against her, his palm grinding against that one sweet nerve until her body seizes in sweet pleasure. “I— wait, fuck, you’re asking me out?” She hisses with a furious blush and one too many emotions swelling in her chest, the jitters rising in waves when he tucks his face back between her legs and laves his tongue over her again and again.

“Oh, God,” she sighs shakily, back arching and following the motions of his tongue— the long lapping motions, the hard swallows, the tight sucking. All of it. She’s drawing closer to an edge she is not prepared for, thighs perpetually quivering and skin tingling in a frenzy of static wherever he touches, one hand gripping her hip like an anchor, the other insistently flicking her clit, his tongue stroking inside of her, warm and wet. “Come on, baby,” Hyunjin purrs against her folds, the vibration winding the coil tighter before he switches to quickly pump his fingers into her and to press his tongue roughly against her sensitive bundle of nerves, coaxing her to her climax.

Ensuring she rides out the entirety of her orgasm on his tongue, Hyunjin tightly grips her thighs to keep her legs spread, lapping and sucking lewdly, shamelessly at her cunt like a man starved. Her hips buck and jolt as the sickly-sweet warmth burns and grows and grows until it is consuming her whole, ecstasy and relief flooding her from head to toe as her orgasm washes over her. She feels hollow and jittery all over by the time the frenzy of sensations fades into nothing but a tender throbbing in her core, as if all her nerves are worn and frayed at the ends and leaving her as a pile of mush.

“How ya doing?” Hyunjin peeps from between her legs after a few moments of waiting for her to come back to reality, one hand on her hipbone and the other at her inner thigh, soothingly massaging her skin to ease her back from the high. Something about the genuine concern etched on his features paired with her own arousal glistening on his chin and lips has the butterflies in her stomach roaring to life, heart doing somersaults in her chest and she smiles softly, reaching for his hand and tugging for him to come closer. “Are you sure you’re the same Hyunjin from the bowling alley?” She laughs airily against his lips, blinking up at him with wide eyes. His beauty is not an easy thing to comprehend, she reminds herself with a thumb tracing the soft curve of his jaw.

“I told you I’m not just a softie,” Hyunjin says with a dramatic huff followed by that cheeky smile of his, lowering his head to gently rub his nose against hers in an eskimo kiss and oh, he certainly has her heart now if he hadn’t before. She reaches up to actually kiss him this time, hoping to distract him from the painfully obvious blush blooming across her cheekbones, and once more the entire world is spinning when he gently cups her face and slackens his jaw to deepen the kiss.

“Just for you, though,” he randomly adds when they separate, diverting her focus away from the taste of herself on his tongue and how sinfully good of a kisser he is. “Hm?” She ponders with a tilt of her head, hand resting at the nape of his neck to twirl a finger into his hair. “I’m just a softie for you,” Hyunjin elaborates, dramatically collapsing on top of her and the weight of him pushes all the air from her lungs.

“Oh,” she heaves, freeing her arms trapped underneath him and wrapping them around his wide shoulders with a tight squeeze, “that’s good. I bet I’m softer for you, though.”

“Incorrect.”

“No, correct.”

“I just had my tongue up your coochie, can’t you just give this one to me?” Hyunjin scoffs and finally rolls off of her, reaching for the floor with an ungraceful flail of his long noodle legs before finding the hardwood and standing up. “Right. Sorry. About that,” she coughs, leaning up and ignoring the mess between her thighs in favor of glancing to his own semi-hard… problem, “do you want me to return the service?” After all, that shitty handjob was not the best depiction of talent.

“Are you offering to suck my coochie? Thanks, but I’m good,” he answers nonchalantly, nevertheless he reaches beneath the waistband of his bottoms to readjust himself right in front of her and she instinctively glances away, embarrassment creeping up her neck. Even though he just ate her out. Whatever.

“Never mind, you’re stupid,” she grumbles, stumbling to her feet once her limbs realize they have to do their job to grab her bottoms thrown haphazardly across the room. “Hey! Be nice to your boyfriend.”

“Oh, you’re my boyfriend now?” She challenges, shimmying the material up her legs before standing to face him with a smirk painted on her face. “Technically I never said yes.”

Hyunjin gasps. “Damn, guess I get to tell everyone I played you, then,” he smirks right back at her like the cocky shit he is, turning away after slipping into his t-shirt to get his phone and keys from the kitchen. “No! Wait! I was just kidding,” she lunges for him, wrapping her arms around his waist and burying her face into his back, “I like you. A lot, as you can tell. If you actually want to date me, well, then, you know how I feel.”

“___,” he soothes, detaching her arms in order to spin around and face her, “I’m not going to just hook up with someone who I know likes me. I’d be dumber than a doorbell, too, if I didn’t y’know… maybe have a little crush on you too. Which is why I want you to be my girl. I don’t want to do cute shit with anyone else but you. Like, pick our toe jam to compare it and stuff.”

“Wait, you have toe jam?”

“Exaggerated joke, ___.”

“Oh,” she giggles, leaning up to kiss the beauty mark on his neck again, “anyway. Dating. So, you’re my boyfriend?”

“I think it works something like that,” his full lips practically disappear when he grins toothily, large hands coming back to cup her face, “can I get a goodbye kiss?” She hums in instant agreement, meeting him halfway to press her lips against his, one, two, three gentle pecks before his tongue tantalizingly darts out to swipe against the seam of her lips and effectively painting her insides with fireworks.

“Hey,” she warns, jabbing a finger to his chest to stop him but immediately softening up at the sound of rain pounding on the roof as if demanding entrance, “I mean… you could always stay until the storm passes.”

“Are you asking because you’re worried about me driving safely or because you just want to sit around and kiss all night?”

“Hm, well, maybe a little bit of both,” she admits with a sheepish smile. He’s just too irresistible to pass up. Hyunjin beams brighter than any star in the galaxy before pulling her back into him, “Greedy. You’re lucky my heart goes boom boom for you too.”

(And Hwang Hyunjin’s heart does not lie.)

[blackswaneuroparedux]

Anonymous asked: Having been living in France for a few years what is your experience and view on the state of the French aristocracy? Do they still play an important role in French society and politics?

This is a tough one to answer because I’m not the best qualified to give you definitive picture. I still see myself as an outsider however immersed I am into French culture. My social circles are quite eclectic and widely spread but still hopelesslly inadequate to answer your question too deeply.

Still I can offer general observations because of my French partner who does come from very old French family roots and also the French wife of one of cousins and her family who manage our shared vineyard. Both to differing degrees are active within the social activities of L'Association d'entraide de la noblesse française (ANF) - the unspoken and low profile group that brings together people from noble backgrounds.

Outside of these two, I also have French friends from my Swiss boarding school days and two sweet curmudgeonly elderly neighbours of mine living in our apartment building. Through them I am afforded a sneak peek of what’s going on behind the scenes if I really wanted to know.

But to be honest, the whole subject never really comes up with any of these people because no one draws attention to it and they are just getting on with life as best as they can. We have so many more interesting things to discuss.

Everyone I know is pretty down to earth and it’s not a defining issue in their life. Having said that there are clues and it mostly revolves around manners, courtesies, and a strong sense of family. But materialism or the pursuit of it isn’t one of these things.

Though the French Revolution was supposed to have eliminated the aristocracy as a powerful political and social presence in France, the contemporary French aristocracy is a thriving social milieu showing no signs of imminent extinction. There are 3500-4000 "noble" families in France, as calculated by the L'Association d'entraide de la noblesse française (ANF) - the semi-official association of the French nobility - compared to 12,000 on the eve of the French Revolution.

The Revolution may have taken away their lands, their titles, and even their heads but they still thrive to this day and play a much more low key role in the French Republic.

They have successfully remained a virtually closed group through intermarriage and a careful network of social relations. However, they are no longer distinguished by fortune and political privilege.

Unable to separate themselves from other social classes through economic or political means, they rely on their social rituals, traditions, and anachronistic way of life to reaffirm their distinct identity. The importance of the family, religion, history, and a deep-rooted attachment to the land, are values that bind them together as a social group.

At the same time, they are obliged to participate in modern economic and public life. Consequently, they have made certain adaptations so as to survive in the modern world and retain their distinctiveness. Most aristocratic children are members of social clubs called "rallyes" which is their primary form of social life. Thus, they may go to public school and still socialise exclusively with children of their own milieu. Another modern adaptation is the creation of the Association of the French Nobility (ANF) among whose functions is to lend tuxedos, party dresses, and wedding dresses to aristocrats who cannot afford their own. There’s no shame in it. It’s fun!

I have been told by my French partner and the French wife of my cousin as well as others that for them that being part of the French aristocracy is nothing more than an attitude more than anything else. In other words, a state of mind.

Aristocrats now have all different fortunes (literal and metaphorical) and they don't talk about it. As my partner dead panned, “That would be bourgeois.”

The old and antiquated values live on because there are ways to preserve them with less money: making sacrifices, traveling little, not having a nice car - but keeping what is essential, like the family property. The family and the family history is still the essential part of everyone's identity. It could be said that the roots of the family hold it up. Unlike many bourgeois families I see who live a very rootless and atomistic life in the rat race, the aristocrats do value the paramount principles of faith and family.

Sure, some noble families have retained wealth and influence but not as much as people might think here in France. They live in the better arrondissements of Paris and even provide captains of industry and finance or they are retired sitting on expensive properties as family heirlooms.

Where I live my two elderly neighbours in my building who both come from aristocratic roots. One is a reactonary (he’s a crusty old retired general) and the other used to run an art gallery and is a socialist (or Champagne socialist if one were being cynical). I’ve gotten to know them very well throughout our shared Covid incarceration as I’ve been doing chores and running errands for both of them and I’ve gotten to know their families as a result. They both remain cheerful and courteous, and it shows in their mild self-deprecation and unassuming social poise. But here they are not flashy and it shows. They buy things to last and don’t give a fig for fashion but insist on their own style. They abhor excess and self promotion.

But equally many others live discreet lives far from the capital, often in old chateaux whose upkeep is a financially crippling burden with each passing generation. These families as I have discovered first hand are more rooted to their local communities and play an invaluable role in safeguarding the cultural heritage of the surrounding village life. They are often the life blood of these rural communities. This is very true for the French wife of my cousin and her family who have been rooted in that community and village life for countless generations. It’s one of the reasons she is thr driving force behind the vineyard to maintain and pass onto the next generation the blessings she’s had along with her siblings.

Over two centuries, the French noblesse has had to perfect an odd social game compared to the aristos of England and Scotland.

France is staunchly republican (and very secularised in the separation of church and state), one of whose founding moments was a revolution in which many of their ancestors were killed horribly. Today the noblesse has no legal existence. There is no monarchy to lend it justification. The very idea of a caste of lords and ladies offends against France's prevailing cultural zeitgeist.

The brutal truth is that for better or worse France - since 1848 or even 1901 depending on your sense of history - belongs to the hypochondriac bourgeoisie. And as such the past time of the bourgeois seems to be consumed by social anxiety by constantly looking over their shoulder to feel secure about their social and economic status relative to others.

No such anxiety exists with the noblesse that I have witnessed. They know who they are almost as well as working people are proud of their blue collar heritage and roots.

I have to admit that the noblesse don’t feel particular glory from their origins but nor do they feel they have anything to be embarrassed about. Many of them do feel an old fashioned duty to pass on their family heritage. As a result most people born to the old families have learned to be discreet and not draw attention to their kind.

For me it’s fascinating to observe and experience and then contrast that with how things are in the United Kingdom or elsewhere for that matter. But what I come away with is this profound bond between them around their deep attachment to their Catholic traditions and their family roots. It’s quite comforting in some ways in a fast moving society that’s unmoored from the old certainties and instead subject to the faddish winds of change.

Thanks for your question.

[leam1983]

It’s the end of the work week and, well...

I’m having thoughts on labor culture.

My father was born in 1958. He lived as the son of an absent father of five children who had no ability to truthfully express his love and care, and who instead chose to bury himself in work as a means to display his commitment. My paternal grandfather made and sold mattressees and died quite young of a cancer strain that today would’ve seemed benign. He was described as a hard worker, either up to his neck in his business or wanting just a scant few hours per day to himself. It made an aloof lover out of him and a distant father - who still loved his wife and children to bits but who felt emotionally castrated in a sense, as were men of the era.

The family consensus is that his work killed him.

My father is now 65 and survived a bout of Non-Hodgkinian Lymphoma. The oncologist and anyone with half a brain agreed that stress was the culprit. Early on, Dad had the family as an excuse for his tendency to overwork. He had to provide for us, after all, and garnish my mother’s meagre savings. All she has is her government-issued pension plan, while my father does have his own pension as a retiree of the City of Montreal’s Real-Estate Appraisal service. Considering, he felt obligated to pull a heavier load to bring in more, so they’d have better investment opportunities. Later on, he kept working out of a sense of fealty and attachment to his division, breaking out of retirement during the pandemic to join the work-from-home team. He wanted to help techs and city officials find ways to bring more of the traditionally snail-mail-based parts of the system online so the city’s Land Management service wouldn’t be paralyzed by COVID-19. What was supposed to be a single month turned into four, which turned into twelve.

By the end, they were begging him to stay on the team and to pull longer hours. We’re talking twenty hours per day, in some particularly grueling stretches. That means being logged in by breakfast and scarfing bagels down with Urban Design techs on Zoom instead of your own family, or having supper with your boss because she needs a play-by-play of the situation to stave off her executive anxiety.

Long story short, I didn’t see Dad much during the first wave. His reasoning was that he’d eventually stop, pool all this cash, and chuck it into his and Mom’s Registered Retirement Savings Account - with maybe an extra two thou or so in case the country reopened enough for their postponed trip to Cuba to take place.

Guess what? His zona flared up and he ended up with odd, shingly bumps along his scalp which to this day the local dermatologist grimaces at and tentatively has us dab with cortisone cream.

Mom, though? She’s a retired and registered nurse with a self-negating streak and a chronic propensity to undervalue her own physical ailments. Someone who quite literally understands the pain of busted hips on a clinical level because she was trained in Gerontology - and also someone who refuses to schedule an appointment with her GP and who inexplicably self-medicates with white wine.

As for me, I’m a 37 year-old man with a paycheck I consider massive with its meagre six bucks above the minimum-wage threshold - someone who chose to shack in with his folks until the current crisis ends and who therefore has a history of a single, willingly terminated apartment lease that originally began in the Planned Housing market. The apartment I want is basically a Barbie doll house for adults, a gleaming fantasy I’ll never have enough capital to touch unless I feel like trying my hand with criminal applications of my skills. The apartment I can get right now is a shithole, and I have the audacity to think I deserve a shithole that at least wasn’t someone’s former cockroach den.

Now here’s the kicker: I value my sanity and my health. I know my mental stamina levels and I know from experience that after working seven-point-five hours per day with the occasionally shorter Friday, I’ve found my limit. I could invest more if I worked more, yes, and I’m already in a better position than my parents, retirement-wise. I’ll never be rich, but I’m already set to be comfortable, provided I don’t spend my golden years trying to make it as an unsponsored TechTuber or anything else that’s equally ludicrous.

Where that’s a problem is in the toxicity this is generating. See, I have the gall to slide my daily schedule later so I can start at an hour that fits my biological clock and ends at an hour where I’m at my most creative. That means the folks saw me spending my pandemic mornings on Animal Crossing while Dad was trying to wrangle Excel spreadsheets for non-tech-savvy fellow Boomers while preventing the dog from eating his meeting notes. That means they guzzled vinho verde like it was Kool-Aid after seven while I made sure to find more concrete means to distance myself from work - ideally ones that didn’t involve functional alcoholism.

Naturally, what was bound to happen, happened: Dad soon spent his evenings calling me shiftless or “unwilling to commit”, while I was stuck watching him miss all the cues his stressed-out body were sending him. We already had Trump’s last desperate months and a global plague to handle, I really didn’t want my work to turn into more of a nuisance than it already is. I already love the people I work for and hate what I do (repeating the family cycle, it seems), but I’ve at least decided to give myself ample Me time every single day. 

I’ve paired that with smaller, if consistent portfolio investments, along with a few new habits I wanted to get into to stay saner. Dad pulls crosswords or plays competitive chess in the wee hours, while I usually lay down to meditate around midnight and fall asleep by 1 AM at the latest. I’m half-expecting my father to pull a Tyler Durden and to sneer at me, at some point. “Self-care is masturbation,” he’d probably say.

Looking at classifieds for rentals, it’s obvious that the entire system is predicated on abuse. Work yourself down to the therapist’s office, right down to the fucking bone, and you just might earn a half-decent retirement because nobody’s taught you to invest incrementally. Nope, Society seems to say, you’re supposed to buy, buy and buy some more, until you realize you have ten years left to start from scratch!

I remember Dad’s face on my eighteenth birthday. “Why would you want a Disability Care Savings Account, Brain? You just turned into a legal adult by Canadian standards - you’re in no rush, right?”

I told him the real gift I wanted for my birthday, that day, was a ride to the family’s Financial Investments counsel. I pulled up the PDFs I’d printed out and filled and brought them over. From then on, if I dropped a penny in my nest-egg, Ottawa would drop another one. If my share grew, so did the government’s. In the twenty-odd years since, it’s expanded exponentially.

Dad thought I’d done this to have a big cushion by the time I’d retire. Mom thought I’d done this in case my disability worsened and I started requiring equipment or physical assistance. Honestly, my dumb, if slightly prescient eighteen year-old self figured I’d rather spend my time reading or playing video games than working. I knew I’d need something to help cushion my admittedly low career-related ambitions. I might throw several thousands at a new computer every seven to eight years, but that’s because I’ve saved them up for just as long, little by little. I have no vices beyond what sillicon offers and what you’d find in the pages of a book and don’t exactly need a big ‘ol, stonkin’ humidor stuffed with conoisseur stogies.

I have a shoebox with a poked-out Ziploc bag and a sponge, with a handful of joints and a few Santa Anas I got off of a buyer’s pool from work. Five of us occasional chair-bar goons pooled cash together on Cigar Chief and cushioned prices with a single, shared and massive order. I’m nowhere near rich, but assuming the housing market can catch its breath eventually, I’ll be able to live modestly - with one or two markers of occasional luxury I’ll have chosen.

I have a shittier job than my father has had and I’ve chosen to be happier than him. It’s just sad that the usual response elevates overwork as the supposedly one, true way to leave a mark in society.

No, Dad. I don’t want to die while my own cells eat me alive, I want to die blazed out of my fucking mind, happy because I’ll have had time to enjoy my friends’ company and to finally make some sense out of Kerouac’s Subterraneans or to figure out what the fuck is going on in Joyce’s Illiad. I’ll die crusty as shit and fulfilled as a Pop Culture jockey, because I’ll have either finished Persona 5: Golden in my lifetime or I’ll have watched the entirety of the MCU’s output before Disney finally manages to kill their golden goose.

I want to die decades from now, feeling like I at least owned my choices and didn’t spend my time tethered to someone else’s professional expectations of me.

[sepublic]

The First Day!

           …Honestly, where do I even BEGIN? This episode had SO much in it, I really feel like the writers were trying to fit a lot into this episode and I appreciate that!

           I suppose I’ll go from the start; I’m a little confused by the beginning, and how we see Luz with her multi-track uniform, even though she gets it at the end of the episode? And when she DOES appear seconds later for her entrance exam, she’s wearing regular clothes? I’m just going to assume it’s an animation mistake for now, but that probably won’t stop me from coming up with the most convoluted explanation for it! Maybe Luz had an ideal uniform prepared beforehand as part of her presentation, but then decided to just do it in her regular outfit, I dunno…

           I love Eda! She’s amazing and great, and what little we got in this episode was very sweet to me! I really appreciate how she legit threw her hand at Luz, just because she wanted to rub her head and say goodbye! Eda’s being such a mom and it’s amazing…

           Amity! Amity is happy to see Luz and now open about it; I really feel like the actions of her Abomination in regards to others tends to display how she REALLY feels about someone… It’s sweet seeing her basically make an inside joke with Luz, and so confidently as well, without fear of Luz getting upset or judging her…!

           On another note, it’s pretty obvious that when we see Amity talking to herself, it’s about her confusion about being in the same class as Luz, and what that means! Not gonna lie, I remember wondering if Amity would have more of a reaction to Luz being in Hexside with her, and I was right! It seems that Amity hid her initial reaction during Adventures in the Elements (she’s reserved a bunch like that), but it’s clear that in reality she had a lot of thoughts on it… I love this show’s writing and how a viewer can deduce this sort of thing, and then have it confirmed afterwards!

           It was pretty neat to see what looks like our Potions and Oracle teachers respectively, and I’m grateful for the look at Oracle magic we got! I love the cut of Luz walking away, only to practically teleport- That’s comedic timing and I loved it again when used with Gus! Speaking of Gus, is it me or did his voice sound different? I don’t know how old his voice actor is, is he going through puberty? If so I’ll miss his old voice, it was honestly sounded youthful and endearing!

           We learn that the nine (technically ten, we see two for Illusions but that could ALSO be an Illusion) witches depicted on the banners are the main ‘heads’ of the major covens; Given the way Willow phrases it, I’d assume that this means they’re currently active! Given Bump’s line about three-hundred more years until retirement, I have to wonder how old these heads actually are… Were they around since the beginning of the Coven System? Or are they the latest leaders? It definitely makes one wonder how old Belos is…

           (On another note, it makes me wonder if the Abomination Witch really IS a Blight… Because if so, how must that be for Amity? Could that actually be her father- His hair is in a bun but in the trailer, Amity’s dad has his hair like Edric’s.)

           I do have to say though… That was unreasonably harsh on Bump’s part, immediately putting Luz into the Detention Track just for looking at the crystal ball once. I guess I can sort of see why- He really wants the funding for the school, and he’s already breaking some huge rules by having the associate of a wanted criminal here. I can see why he’s really nervous about keeping Luz’s involvement in Hexside as minimal as possible, but come on man- Give her another chance! Or at least let her back AFTER the Inspector has left!

           That’s the interesting thing about Bump, it’s that I think he DOES know about the validity of his rebellious students’ concerns and is considering them… But a part of him is in a role deeply-entrenched with maintaining the Coven System. I imagine that he really does want to do what Eda and others suggest, but he fears the Emperor’s Coven… But it seems like he’s beginning to just say ‘Screw it’ and do what he wants! He’s clearly a principal balancing his students’ interests with the obligations of his role. On an unrelated note, I noticed that the Trouble Detectors are gone- Given the aforementioned budget issues, it seems Bump could no longer afford them!

           Viney, Jerbo, and Barkus! We needed more of them, I loved them from our small clip and I’m sad we didn’t get more! Hopefully they’ll return… I like their schtick of being outcasts like Luz, and I love how self-conscious Luz is about the effects she has on others! Like how she checks up on Amity after the Covention duel, she really does have a tendency to reach her hand out- Again, I’ve said it before but Luz is KIND. She’s such a lovable dork!

           In general, I really appreciate how outspoken Luz is getting about her own views towards the Coven System! She obviously wants to give Hexside a chance and all, but it’s clear that Eda’s own teachings –and Luz’s OWN personal ideas- are really coming into play here. I respect Luz a lot for refusing to take advantage of a circumstance if it means that others don’t get to reap the benefits alongside her- She’s incredibly fair-minded, and I can only imagine Eda being SO proud once she hears what happens! In conjunction with Luz talking back to that one apathetic teacher, I have to wonder- Was she always like this back at home? Or has her recent adventures taught her to be more outspoken towards standing up for others- Especially after the Conformatorium breakout?

           Either way, I gotta love Luz for sticking her neck out for others. She really could just quietly let it go, just turn a blind eye like most… But like Eda, such apathy doesn’t resolve with her conscience well.

           Speaking of Eda, let’s be real- We all knew it was her the moment that painting showed yellow sleeves and pale skin! Her portrait is adorable and I have to wonder who made it… Also, did Eda make the series of shortcuts throughout the school? Or did she just find them… If so, who made those shortcuts? We know Bump was a young student when Hexside was built on the bones of a rival school… He doesn’t know about it until later, but again- Students don’t tend to supervise the construction of schools anyway, even if they attend them.

           And amidst the signatures of Viney, Jerbo, and Barkus, we also see names such as Sabrina, Rad Maddie, Chris, and Emmy! I wonder if we’ll ever get to see these people again, and if one of these names belongs to the lunch-money thief that Lilith and Eda teamed up with during childhood? Regardless, I hope that after this episode, Luz got the chance to write her name on the wall; Although given that Bump now knows about the shortcuts, they’re PROBABLY off-limits now, or being converted into official hallways. Combined with Eda’s cleaned painting, and that wall of troublemakers is probably going to be wiped- Alas!

           I have to feel for the Detention kids as well… I can understand not being sure what to choose, although in their case, and I low-key resonated with Luz’s fear of being locked into something she ultimately wouldn’t have the passion for. I feel like it kind of describes a lot of kids’ anxieties in high school and college, and it really shows how messed up the Coven System is in desiring total order. Amidst the rule of no track-mixing, and it’s clear that Belos wants to separate Witch society into highly-specialized groups, with the Emperor’s Coven at a natural advantage…

           I can only imagine Eda watching the lessons from other classes from afar, too- I wonder if that’s contributed to her skill as the Boiling Isles’ most powerful witch? Bump mentions that Eda never got to be offered the chance to do multiple tracks (given it just became available that day), so I really have to wonder what were the exact circumstances behind her dropping out… In general, I like the point this episode makes about how students like Eda, Jerbo, Barkus, and Viney aren’t bad at school and don’t dislike it; They actually LOVE to learn and are very innovative! But the specific system of school and the way it’s structured is just not conducive as a learning environment. It’s definitely a nuanced take on the subject, I like it!

           Also- With how boldly Luz is standing up for others, it’s only a matter of time before she personally challenges Belos! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, she literally challenged Amity once for King’s honor… She cares about others, and FIERCELY, too! It was adorable seeing how delighted she was to have her name on the troublemaker wall- She really does want to be included and while there is the benefit of learning all magic (technically against the rules), I appreciate how Luz embraces the comradery of being misfits!

           Onto the Greater Basilisk! I saw that ‘inspector’, and let’s be real we ALL recognized her- Oddly enough, she seems to have teleported in. Having absorbed Magic, can the Greater Basilisk utilize it? Or is it a non-magic illusion, similar to the ones that Adegast has? Either way, I’m REALLY fascinated by the implication of a demon(?) that can absorb magic and feed on it; I’d wondered about this and once again, the show delivers!

           What’s interesting to note is that the Greater Basilisk can’t seem to digest Luz’s spells; Maybe Light just so happens to be potent, but the implication seems to be that glyph-magic is immune to her absorption! Which in turn, would imply that the Greater Basilisk specifically feeds on bile… That’s VERY interesting and really piques my interest on the stuff. The whole concept of someone absorbing witch bile, only to be foiled by Luz’s glyph magic, reminds me of this idea I had a while back… Once again, this show offers, and then delivers on implications and possibilities!

           Another thing to note is that Greater Basilisks were thought to be extinct- Obviously I can see Witch society having worked together to eradicate them. I have to wonder if the show will later touch up on this anomaly, or if it’ll be a one-time thing. What’s weird is that the Greater Basilisk was able to forge a letter from the Emperor’s Coven, to pose as an inspector… That, or she took the place of the REAL one. Bump mentions the EC not knowing about the Basilisk, does that mean she had infiltrated the group as an inspector from the get-go? It’s a lot of questions, but either way that lady was FREAKY, we saw Puddles bleed because of her! I wonder what happened to her afterwards- Was she imprisoned in the Conformatorium, or did the Emperor’s Coven make sure to, y’know…confirmthe species’ extinction?

           (Also, I guess Glandus will still have that Grudgby match, huh? I was wondering if the forfeit would lead into Wing it like Witches, but apparently not.)

           I really loved that Magical Girl transformation sequence for Luz- She deserves it! I can imagine Bump planning to include nine colors for all nine tracks, but then he realized that Luz only had four sleeves and was like, Shoot, which ones should I choose for her? Either way Luz is a fashion disaster, but she OWNS it- She’s so weirdly proud of her bizarreness, it’s incredibly endearing.

           Finally, we have King doing his own thing as a substitute teacher! Not much else to say here, but I do love the gags they had with him, they were great! Overall this was another fine episode, and I can’t imagine how overloaded my mind will be when we get TWO new episodes at once, next week!

           (One more note, I like the clever background-reference to Mattholomule being in charge of the HAS now, that’s a pretty neat call to continuity! And look- Glandus outfits!)