#even tho it’s the same as it was yesterday
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i swear there is a direct correlation between the temp rising above 60F and how easily i get overwhelmed and overstimulated
#brought to you by me#now that it’s above 60F#the clutter around my desk is driving me bonkers#even tho it’s the same as it was yesterday#when it was 40ish F#ugh i hate heat and humidity so fucking much#my sensory issues get so bad during the summer#neurodivergent#neurospicy#adhd#adhd problems#actually adhd#sensory issues
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birthday boy 🎂
#river dipping#theodore doe#matthias evanoff#a burning house to live in#echthroi#ts4#ts4 edit#simblr#ts4 screenshots#theo i hope you're having the most insane birthday sex rn i hope it's ******** and ***** and ***'** **** *** **** ***** :)<3#sorry i put off making your birthday edit for so long that i had to pivot and post this edit instead of the one i wanted </3#...very funny how similar this is to that LAST render i posted... well so WHAT!! if i think matthias looming is sexy!!#this is based on a photo that everyone was drawing their ocs as so really it's not MY fault he's back there clinging and being a freak#actually if y'all want this pose lmk... i'll share it but fyi it's only meant to be seen from the waist up and idk how it'd look#on a sim that doesn't have the same muscle mass and like. bulk. that matthias has......................................#just got rock hard after typing that... anyway.#HAPPY BIRTHDAY THEO <333333333 LOVE YOU SO MUCH I PROMISE I'M GONNA KEEP WORKING ON THE //ACTUAL// BIRTHDAY EDIT!! like .#posted abt this on the sideblog but the real edit i have planned for him is making me lose my fucking gourd#and it'll probably take me :))) a few more days to figure out#expect a depressing theo-as-a-teenager edit eventually tho. with writing!! accompanying it!!#matthias's face has changed again btw 😭 i redid it almost immediately after i posted that first render attempt so he looks DIFFERENT!!#i posted screenshots of him in cas just the other day on my other acc and he looks so good in them i might post them here too#oh and!! this edit looks massively different than my last because this screenshot was taken with a new preset i made specifically for#the real birthday edit i'm working on... it's a hallway scene so i figured out depth and density to get this really cool fog effect#i'm really excited for it!! in my head the way it looks makes me crazy but idk if i can pull it off properly. but like i WAS SAYING!!#new preset is sooo sexy after i post this i'll reblog with the before and after to show you how good it looks even w/o any editing#like. the colors....... literally have always wanted a preset like this i'm so glad i spent yesterday fucking around with it#ALSO!! i've been doing those oc/ship dynamic templates for fun recently so i might post a few of them here soon#realize i'm rambling so much in these tags bc i haven't been here in forever kfjnkfjhn ummmmm. let me stop.#EVERYONE WISH THEO HAPPY BIRTHDAY RIGHT NOW 🫵‼
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this one should have a transparent background to fly him around your computer screen. he loves it :)
#kirby#daily kirby#my art#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#I mentioned I should've made yesterday's transparent and one person reblogged it like 'yeah that'd be great!'#and that is enough for me to do it lol#okay I checked and it was specifically#superellysan#so here is a transparent gorb 4 u#(even though it is not the same transparent gorb)#(yesterday's also would've been really good for that tho)#it is the next day now and I have learned that transparent images just don't work on twitter they just get regular white backgrounds#so hashtag tumblr privilege I guess???#transparent
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questioning sexuality is so exhausting
#(edit: sorry for the rant in the tags and i just. i want someone to talk to me)#i keep on doing it for no apparent reason#someone was talking about lust yesterday and i realised today that.#even tho id thought i don't experience it. i possibly do. but exclusively towards women.#i hate it here!#for a multitude of reasons i will never have a relationship with a woman but! i may be incapable of having a relationship with a man!#at some point in the last few months i have abruptly pivoted from definitely wanting marriage and kids to being ambivalent on marriage#and not wanting kids. that's such an outlier in my life that it might just be a mental health thing tho idk#but at the same time i. want to be loved.#i don't know what i want anymore and im tired of questioning myself#i definitely overthink it but idk how to stop it#and i hate hate hate how the moral obsessions have bee lately#this isn't entirely related but it kind of is#like Am i a terrible morally bankrupt person for having certain thoughts or is it just religious ocd go brrrr?? am i overthinking it?#i don't know. i don't know!#for a while labelling myself as arospec ace kinda calmed that down but. i don't know#i do't want to be attracted to women. i don't want to have to look away so often. i don't want any of that.#but i don't know how to stop it.#i don't even know if i'm attracted to men at all.#this is a cry for help and encouragement and prayers no matter what your views on these matters are#queer stuff tag#i nearly fessed up to my friend yesterday about same sex attraction and i might've except that it would have probably outed me as#the person who anonymously sent in a question several months ago about the side b movement to a church thing#ive only told one person at church about any of that sort of stuff and it was very vaguely worded#also see: this friend is the mother of the boy i?? i don't even know how i feel about him#i increasingly think it wasn't romantic at all. but i don't know#i would love any encouragement you got. anything at all.#i don't know how much this stuff is affected by the fact that i consider myself unloveable and think it highly unlikely any boy will ever#care for me#now im rambling. sorry
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"Huh? Which one did I like best?"
happy birthday to the girl who started it all!! arle nadja my beloved darling I wish you only the best and only the spiciest of curries on your special day. I'm sorry I couldnt integrate curry into this piece
#puyo puyo#arle nadja#carbuncle#wanted to pay homage to some of the most iconic designs (imo) with this <3#some of the iconics and some of my favs#looks at the draft with only quest alts before i had second thoughts#that one was cute too. maybe ill repurpose that#anyway yeah!! i tried emulating the render styles of the appropriate games to this and i think it turned out good!!!#the yons were a bit of a struggle (neither followed the same shading rules and agh please)#also doppel is here bc i love her and also cause Hypothetically Arle And Doppel Share A Birthday Right. They Are The Same Person#So They Have.... The Same Birthday. Correct#thats my personal thoughts anyway#sega cowards give everybody birthdays for me :)#so i can appreciate them all :))#ok thats all of the thoughts tonight#glad i got this out before midnight and not so glad i cut it this close even tho i started this yesterday#how does that happen. i didnt even start it day of and yet#god ok that is enough now. as always thanks for reading if youre here bc my tags are always the most#time to listen to the yon soundtrack on repeat cause im feeling it tonight goodnight#my stuff
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as of ten minutes ago we are officially Jobless™️. my sign to retire early and devote the remainder of my existence to writing toxic old man yaoi
#pennforyourthoughts#personal#someone rb this with silly tags i feel it deserves some levity#warning: novel-length tags lmfao#THEY TOLD ME TODAY MY LAST DAY IS FRIDAY? that's only two whole workdays for me HELLO??#knew it was coming bc they let my friend go two weeks ago and he had more seniority than me but jfc#at least let me ride out the contract till november. WHY. i JUST went back to uni i need money goddamn it#full disclosure tho i haven't been able to stop laughing bc so much of the surrounding circumstances are insanely funny to me#1) i was LITERALLY at a job fair yesterday and I almost considered not going bc I was so damn tired#surprisingly made some really great connections so ty universe now i have people to poke in the coming months#2) i switched from part time to ft course load at the last second and have been regretting it ever since but if im to be unemployed then#MAYBE now I can actually handle the uni workload :D#3) when my boss called me she asked how ive been and i told her i was sooo sick last week and got into a car accident#that same day omw back from uni (universal karma for skipping class for my health ig)#THE WAY SHE PAUSED ON CALL IS SO FUNNY IN RETROSPECT. was prolly thinking fuck. now i have to add to this#she literally went “omg im so sorry...anyways i have bad news”#im not even lying when i say i was GIGGLING through that whole call she was so concerned#love her bc she genuinely tried to fight for me and is the reason i wasn't let go two weeks ago but man. the timing is impeccable#also don't think i get any unemployment benefits bc i was temp contract and my situation as a whole is a bit complicated so YAY :DDD#the way i ran to my bestie to spill the tea & we're over here like 🤝 fired buddies 🤝 time to speed run job interviews while juggling uni
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rant in tags about perscription medication and withdrawals
continued here bc i reached tag limit and i'm still??
it's kinda scary tbh
like i was scared for years now of what would happen off my meds and
when i tried tapering off my antidepressants oof i was breaking down every day and now i /know/ i'm dependant on them and idk if that's better or worse
and with the antipsychotics it's like i thought they were helping my depression too bc when tapering off i was also so panicked and depressed (tho my situation is kinda stressful rn)
but idk i've been trying meds on and off for half my life now and most of the time i'm like 🤷
but the truth is
it's fucking scary how it messes with your body
it's fucking scary when you're dependant on a pill
OR ALSO
when pills fuck your body up to the point you can only eat one thing
bc that's the reason i'm going off the antipsychotics and guess what, i'm able to eat more again now
idk if it's just in combination with the hormon pill tbh i'm just going off both now and we'll see how my iron levels and migrains deal lmao
i feel like i can't think straight anymore
gonna have to get new docs anyway so we'll see what they say if(/when) i go anemic again or if going off the antipsychotics will actually fix the issue??
if so, then it'll be like how did this sneak up on me, i've been taking them for 2.5 years like
??
and now i've lost 20lbs despite trying everything to maintain or gain some the past year and a half and i'm at my lowest weight since i was like a preteen lol
and that's all bc of a med that didn't feel like it had an acute effect
or maybe i'm so removed from my body i didn't notice until i got the acute gastritis ??
i mean i can't even be sure its the meds or not until i'm off
and tapering the rest off is gonna be so fun fuck
i dont wanna
i wanna be able to eat more than bread i guess but at this point the thought just scares me and like i associate it with pain and nausea
which as long as i can manage it is fine
but i've only tapered off half, i still have to taper off the other half of the dosage 😭
and with the hormon pill gone again the worst menstrual pain will be back and idk how to manage that, i guess hopefully with the meds gone i won't go anemic again but who knows at this point??
also praying my migraines don't come back but uh... i am pessimistic. i don't have much hope
anyway
moral of the story.....
ALWAYS MAKE SURE TO TAPER OFF YOUR MEDS KIDS BC EVEN JUST TAPERING IS SCARY AND GOING COLD CHICKEN IS PROBABLY HELL
doctors can be annoying (and make things harder, like in my case bc i literally asked if it could be my current meds MONTHS ago, and everyone was like noooooo but guess who was RIGHT) sometimes BUUUUT you should listen to them avout certain things
like
tapering off meds
#it's insane how strong meds can affect you#everyone was telling me “oh that's a strong one” and giving me concerned looks#and i was just like *shrugs*#bc i didn't notice a daily change whatsoever#beside the fact that i slept a bit better#less dreams#and like sleeping more than 5h on average#and well no debilitating migraines where i can't move#but like#no side effects#no making me feel numb or drowsy or anything#but tapering off of them???#the withdrawals???#OH MY FUCKING GOD#i feel like o'm crazy#and it stopped so abruptly#i'm like??? is it- was i sick? was it smth else?#it is the stress maybe#but no exacctly at the same time i now am back to not sleeping and the dreams are back#like those withdrawals#jfc#i felt basically bed ridden for a week#it's a wonder i only cried myself to sleep 1 singular time#tho that's probably the added stress#but like fucking hell#i was so sleepy and weak and couldn't even use my phone it was too much???#and suddenly like clock struck 12 yesterday and i've been alert evver since#my sleeping pattern from before the meds is back#i'm still weak bc i can't eat like normal but i am eating a bit more#ignore me
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dont think about how close chayanne was to dying yesterday, don't think how he would've died in front of almost all his siblings, don't think about how dapper would've gotten the title of eldest sibling now that chayanne died, don't think about them breaking the news to tallulah that her brother/uncle died
definetly do not fucking think about how devastated phil would've been since he didnt even have the chance to say goodbye to him, and how he promised to burn the server down to ash if chayanne died while he was away
#qsmp#qsmp philza#qsmp chayanne#hi im normal i swear yesterday got me thinking about tragedies#anyway if that ever happened you are more than sure that cellbit's life would be gone as soon as phil came back on monday#and cucurucho giving him the last 10 mins even tho he knows they're played by the same admin#EVEN MORE TRAGIC is chayanne dying and it wasnt even his admin playing him. his admin wouldn't even have the last few minutes with phil#hi im normal x2
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it's raining WHICH IS GREAT bc it's been so hot... but now my joints hurt 😭 no drawing for me today
#last time my wrist took a week to recover 💀 anticipating the same but maybe i'll be surprised#yesterday did NOT help my joints either#was nice to walk around the market in the rain tho‚ even if it's stupid humid rn#mars.txt#might be a good time to restart ddda...
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screaming into the void <3
#my best friends boyfriend (who i’ve also been friends with for years) is just. not himself rn#we think it’s a manic episode but we don’t really know but it’s. terrifying lowkey#he thinks he’s genuinely jesus and that he’s conquered time and that he and my bsf are adam and eve#he’s been sending my bsf liek hundreds of texts per day since tuesday but it got really really bad and incoherent yesterday#and i woke up this morning to see multiple texts from gcs he created w me in them#and he keeps being like ‘because it’s 6:20 this is true’ and like ‘i know that at 9 pm everyone is gonna understand’#and he’ll text like 5 times then send a sc of what he just texted like that proves something but it’s all nonsense#i’m just really really concerned cause he really needs help but i don’t know how to ensure that happens cause he’s 19. not a minor#he’s just. not him rn. he’s called my bsf multiple times yesterday when he HATES calling normally#he had his band and his mom over in his apartment yesterday cause my bsf called his mom and h went to his bands show but was visibly not ok#and he saw nothing weird about it even tho he hates having ppl over normally and never without warning#and you can’t get him to see logic because everything you say he just twists around to work for him#to be clear it was not this bad when it started. when it started it seemed like normally maybe slightly out there conclusions he was drawing#but it just got worse and worse like exponential decay and really bad yesterday#he also didn’t sleep at all yesterday night and idk if he slept tonight#i know his mom took his phone at one point but he texted me and gcs w me in it starting at like 6:20 this morning#and my bsf and i and friends are on a trip out of state rn but we’re leaving today and i don’t wanna wake her up until i have to because#this is literally hell for her. but it’s just. scary. i don’t know what to do. i don’t think there’s any good options really for me rn#i want to warn ppl and try to explain he’s Not Him rn so they don’t get concerned but who knows if they’ll understand what i’m trying to say#i know it’s not the end of the world but it really feels like the end of my world as i know it if that makes sense#and my bsf lives with him in an apartment near their college and they just signed the lease for the next year#but she can’t stay there with him alone. not until he gets help. we’re all too scared it’s going in the directon where he thinks it’s better#for ppl to go to the afterlife. which like he never would normally. but he’s Not Him and so like. who knows#he keeps talking about all these different dimensions and how you need to travel to the 7th dimension to understand#my bsf was crying yesterday and she called her mom to explain and she keeps saying that she just wants her jake back it’s really scary#cause he will probably never be the same again. he’ll be similar but different but she wants his comfort but he’s Not Him. and can’t give it#i just. really want this to get better but it’s so hard to see that happening rn
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I just saw the post where you were curious about my Lassie! She’s a Douglas whispy collie that I got on eBay! I actually decided to get her after seeing griffinkid’s Ali!
Tysm for sharing info on her! Lassie is a very pretty dog. I saw Ali from griffinkid recently and she's also very pretty!! I want to buy one of the same stuffed animal to give to my mother-in-law for Christmas. I think she'd really appreciate it especially because the plush looks like her current collie. Plus it'll go great with all the other collie memorabilia my datemate and I have managed to find for her over the past year!
Gosh I love to add plushies as part of the gifts I give to the people I care about. That way when we're not around each other but they're thinking of me/missing me they can hug the plush! I like getting them as gifts in return for that very reason x3 what do you think, is it a good idea?
#I might even be tempted to get a collie for my own collection#this plush reminds me a lot of the border collie plush I saw yesterday produced by FAO Swartz#the quality and realism appears the same#tho the border collie I saw was quite large. I'd say 18in at minimum. is the collie the same?#or about the typical 12in size?#doesn't matter to me honestly I'm just curious!#viti shoosh#autistic-puppy#stuffed animals#plushies#plushblr#wishlist
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Bro why is drawing hard 😔
I mean, I know I have increasingly high standards and that I’m drawing on my phone but still-
#cat rambles#still doing the same art project#except I couldn’t complete it in time so now I’m just doing it cause it’s cool#damn I swear tho this sucks#yea i definitely need to be on ssi#too disabled to even consistently do fun shit#not to mention I was passed out for ALL of today/yesterday because i didn’t have my meds#I have some weird dreams when my mentally unwell ass isn’t medicated…#(also I want to apologize again to the people I’ve let and am letting down)#(wish I was more used to the limits of my body but it seems like the limits keep changing)#(damn why am i writing this only like 1 person I’ve disappointed is gonna see this)#(its not like my teachers and parents also have tumblr)#(still sorry tho)
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stabbing my lab partners with a plastic fork
#personal#the engineering chronicles#one of them is sick which is fine obviously but it does suck bc she’s my lab partner in this class and another class so i was up literally#all night yesterday working on the lab due this morning and now im probably abt to pull another all nighter#doing This lab and my other lab partner is trying to argue the two of us should just work from home since one of us isn’t here already but#the last time we decided to work from home it was utterly disastrous and we stayed up all night anyway and only got our demo prepared in#time bc we were one of the last groups my prof checked and even then part of the demo was not Correct. like. ALSO this particular lab is mcu#to mcu communication and technically i Have two mcus bc we bought new kits for this class even tho most of it is the same as a class we took#before but i gave my working extra mcu to my lab partner a few weeks ago bc he blew out some of the pins on his and only had the one mcu on#him so now i just have my usual mcu and his broken mcu that isn’t totally busted but idk How busted it is so i could very well end up#totally wasting my time if i work from#home instead of the two of us meeting and working together with two mcus we know work :/#also he texted earlier today that he could meet after 6 so i was there all day waiting for him like if you’re not coming say that!! why are#you waiting until i text asking where you are to tell me you don’t want to meet up after all
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istg blacklist international really loves to turn the tables that the very end of the game ffs i can't 😭😭😭
#it's literally just like yesterday's match they against smart omega during game 3 which also the match point for them#like seriously tho...the whole game were really one sided on smart omega#until the very late game when blacklist finally break down smart omega's stratergy ffs#and just now same things happend and the fact that they're against apbren got me like damnnnnnnn#i'm not even surprised if they will managed to win the whole match by reverse sweep tho#mpl philippines s14#mobile legends esports
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I'm literally so sick of moving I really hope that I can just stay with my parents for at least two years
#for context .#i moved out for college in 2019. then moved back in again in 2020 when the pandemic happened.#then my whole family moved in the summer of 2020 because pandemic claustrophobia was making us go insane#and then i stayed there for. a year? i think#and moved back out - again for college/moving in with my partner - in... 2021?#and then the place i moved into that time raised the rent after a year#so we moved. again. after Just One Year.#and we moved into a place we didnt really like and would eventually come to actively despise#but we didnt want to move 3 years in a row so we just gritted our teeth and tried to make the best of it#but now we're sick of it and our mental/physical health is suffering and so were our pets so . god. we're moving again. yay.#i feel like i did this Yesterday even tho its about the 2nd anniversary now#and probably in all of that time in all of those places the place j felt most alive and healthy was my parents house fjdjfnfnemdb#for further context the last time i had moved before 2020. was when i was like two years old.#i lived in the same house for like 20ish years and then ive been through like. 4 places in... 5 years?#and i thought i was done going through shit in like 2018 lmao
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I actually don’t understand how makeup artists put makeup on your face. like I will TRY to do the exact same thing I see them do on me and it just looks sooooo caked and not good!!!!! obvs it’s a skill but I just don’t get it
#it’s like the makeup shows !!! and I look more glam#but when I do it even tho I’ll try pack on the same amount#it still doesn’t have that nice look to it#I just look like I fell face first into makeup#the makeup artist fully slayed yesterday#I wanna be able to do glam makeup on myself !!#rahma’s rambles
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