#even if im making your life miserable
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Oh Terrence Dipp how I love you and I'm so sorry for the shit I'm about to put you through. I fear you will never have that happy ending 😔.
#the outsiders#the outsiders musical#the outsiders broadway#marcia the outsiders#the outsiders trip#trip ilysm#i hope you know this#even if im making your life miserable#guys im gonna try to finish this tn but im not promising anything#Terrence dipp
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I might have OCD actually
#idk i can't tell if its ocd or paranoia#but all my life these “share this text to 10 contacts or your mum will die” always made me unreasonably panicked#and more and more because of posts like “donate now or you are a horrible person” make me deeply unwell#i feel so selfish because i know it's not their fault#im not blaming palestinians reaching out for help more like the people who share the posts and then guilt trip everyone#and i really dont wanna block the tags because it'll make me feel even worse and i still want to be informed#i have so many asks pilling up but idk what to do because I'm useless i can't help in anyway i dont have any reach and no money in my name#and i dont wanna close asks because i do enjoy ask games#but also idk what to do#because when i reply its so hard i feel miserable because i can't help but as soon as i reply i get 20 new ones and it's incredibly overwhel#overwhelming#but when i dont answer my brain is screaming at me “if you dont reply your while family will die in a car crash”#and it's a simple mental image to think of the more asks i answer the more i get the more my brain tells me awful things#I'm sorry to any mutual i may have unfollowed because they shared so many guilt tripping posts i genuinely can't do it anymore#and i feel terrible#and I don't wanna leave Tumblr because it's my only social platform left lmao and thevother ones are all awful its the inly one i like#I'm just not in the right mental state to constantly see “donate or you dont deserve to live even if youre poor” kinda posts#it's not even triggering its just making my “ocd” worse than it ever was#all day long my brian been telling me “you will die today because you didnt answer the asks!!”#it's genuinely horrible idk what to do and eother way i feel like a piece of shit i feel like i dont have the right to feel this way
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I'm trying to pick a major that I would be the most interested in just because it would make my life so much easier and right now I have like three ideas and they all have a million problems
#like bioengineering. that sounds great right#id make good money with even just a bachelors degree#but i dont want to be stuck with that my whole life. that doesnt sound fun to me and engineering is supposed to be a miserable major#AND MINOR#and its a relatively new field so not a lot of places near me have it. and the places that DO have it are crazy expensive#i want to get a degree in linguistics because thats something that sounds fun to me. i would enjoy that#im good with english and language#but what can i really do with a linguistics degree? and im not good at learning other languages so i couldnt be an interpreter as much as i#would enjoy it#i kind of want to go for theatre tech stuff but. idk there arent really any buts but is that really realistic for me? i stopped doing tech#in freshman year because people were kind of mean. im a quitter and theyre not going to like that and i havent done anything related#in so long so really what are the chances i get accepted for that#i know people who tech for bands make pretty good money and they have fun#i lied theres four#i could do geology something but thats broad and also the best school for it in the state is UF.#im NOT going to UF. i would rather die. its a personal grudge. also they suck and barely accept anybody even though the school SUCKS AND IT#SO EXPENSIVE FOR NO REASON#i wanted to do marine bio two years ago but theres soooo many problems with that. including ticks#I HATE TICKS#“but joel. isnt it MARINE science? there arent ticks in the ocean” YOURE WRONG. TICKS ARE EVERYWHERE. also marine bio has a lot to do with#marshes and there ARE ticks in marshes. and maritime hammocks where id be spending a lot of time. you would not believe the amount of ticks#ive gotten from my marine bio and environmental management classes. its so many. so many ticks
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had the most braindead repetitive conversation/argument with my parents. buzz cuts are too masculine but if you dye a design on it it become effeminate which is bad because then you look weak and if youre weak then society falls apart (all societies ever that have fallen apart for any reason are actually because of feminine men) and we start sacrificing babies. and also all mental illness is invented because only 4 people had anxiety in the 90s and covid was made up so that we would all become gay and trans and then the government can control us better and be joe biden's little sex slaves. and also i need to keep my hair long because my father finds it attractive. what
#lolaa.txt#what do i even tag this with . my mother wouldn't let me leave and i kept asking for sources and she kept saying 'i'm your mother!!!'#'i wouldnt lie to you!'#okay. say that to someone maybe who doesnt know you lie to them all the time.#its tiring going around in circles with her.my father is better because at least he admits when he doesnt have a reason for feeling some wa#also what got me. she said 'do you own research if you want!! but im right!!!'#yeahh not seeing anything about anything you just said. i think you made that up.#i have a theory that my mother secretly hates herself because she believes all women are weak and must serve strong men#and my father has so so much trauma and anxiety that he cant be that strong man#so now she feels like shes betraying her very biology when she has to step up.#and also because i am stronger than her now and my hair is long and far far denser than hers and i have a younger face#that she feels that im wasting my precious femininity that she could be using. does that make sense.#shes so miserable trapped in her idea of what makes a man and a woman what they are. once you stop caring about what makes someone somethin#you dont have to worry about anyone else.#im queer because i dont really feel that connection to biological and social ideas of gender that my parents seem to#never really have#im not gonna theorize 'ohh shed be happier nonbinary' or stuff like that because it is up to you and you alone to define who you are#if you spend your whole life trying to fit a box for the sake of fitting the box#then when would you have any space for self discovery#youve invented personality traits to go along with your box. now you can never ever change or grow as a person. congrats#and you know what? one day she will die. and that will be the end of that.#and i will live and i will probably shave my head a thousand times. and come up with new names#and new ways to be a better person that makes me feel happy#and i will dress like a boy because its all made up anyways. who cares.#and if you care? that much about what im wearing or how i look?#then thats your problem and i wont be responsible to maintain your happiness.#SORRY RANT OVER.#im just so flabbergasted. what a sad life someone can lead poisoned by jealously and reactive rhetoric.#tw homophobia#tw transphobes
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taking steps to get on antidepressants tomorrow besties 🤧
#im scared fr bc i know some side effects are like#making your mental health even worse and like oof cannot deal with that right now but#but like it’s worth a shot#also literally fuck anyone who says meds are the /easy way out/#like most of us live with mental health issues for YEARS before we seek any type of treatment#like ive felt this way damn near my whole life#just as of recently it’s been literal rock bottom where it’s like a last ditch effort#and i feel like that’s the case for most of us??#idk#but yeah literally fuck the stigma around medication#you deserve help#and you deserve to not feel miserable every day of your life#also like you don’t have to reach a certain level of bad or ill to seek help#if you feel like you need it pls pursue it#you deserve to be happy
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the amount of work transmeds n sysmeds n terfs will put in to ensure theyre miserable and alone forever is crazy. i guess when the agony is optional perhaps it has more appeal i've definitely contemplated breaking bones just so the pain was different like I understand misery incredibly well just like. man. you could like change and you would probably feel a whole lot better and have more friends and feel more stable????
#why choose to be better when you can lie and hurt people#I sure know how to pick 'em i guess. really I am quite talented at finding bad people who pretend#wahh trauma makes me act this way. yeah trauma makes me act terrible too. you know what i do about that? FUCKING WORK ON IT#you're not an adult. you're making fun of children on the internet for exploring their identity in harmless ways#also the concept of the dsm-5 ruling my entire life is insane to me. how do you live like this.#when i start to see the spiders i just live and let live dude#when the memories get whisked off to another guy im not like writing it down and reporting it to the did authorities#okay well i do hate the mass bug attack but everyone would hate the mass bug attack.#anyway. utterly deranged behavior. grow up#oh yes i definitely trust the united states to tell me what makes me what I am and I see no problems with this#i will blindly follow the next person in front of me. i will join this angry mob without knowing why. i will be awful and mean for no reaso#and one day when it's me i'll be SO surprised that the leopards ate MY face#you're the bad guy here. i want you to know that. you are the red right wing voice here#you're not some brilliant rebel#you're insecure and all of your points tie back to that insecurity and you will never feel better if you continue this path#i'm going to fill my life with love and fun and forget all about you and i'm not even going to know it.#and you will languish in your lack of internal deconstruction of fascist ideas that make you miserable or something idk#again grow up#my finale message. good bye#phlyaros' nonsense
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5:44
Rot For Clout by JamieP.... Luka ALNST.... It. I dunno
Title gives me that vibe, and a few lyrics (in tags). But who knows
#time diary(?)#audrey/kellie's time diary#alnst luka#luka alnst#luka alien stage#alien stage luka#“please someone get me out of here!” / “meat of the bone - meat with garnish on the side - pretty pink slime”#“watch the blood get spilled. you can kill or you can be killed. it doesn't really matter what i feel. i would rather fake#than make the pain real. / if life is nothing but an endless race; you bet your ass im getting first place. / yep thats right let#your dreams take flight. watch the line go up- up up up up up. until it breaks right through blows a hole through you. you can fill it up#fill it up fill fill fill it up. / die upon your hill. i live apart from love and goodwill. and when the pain comes calling for my head#yeah I would rather hurt then be happy and dead. oh fuck your frown baby spare your grace. now im wearing my crown perfect framing of#my face. all the details surgically replaced. its a crying shame a pathetic disgrace. / until your full of life on the edge of the knife#/ Oh god a waking nightmare. I live a life so hollow that im not even there. oh god the light wont save me oh im a perfect tempered#instrument and life is gonna play me. / my bloods already out of season. so unwanted even by myself. tell me what the hell? what the hell? /#Pray to God to fix my soul. but i dont need Gods forgiveness. i need yours / I live a life so miserable it isnt fair. oh god the light wont#save me. so let the anthropocene watch me going fucking crazy.“
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reading the comments of OI stories is so unpleasant sometimes like 😭 i hate seeing people rage and curse at characters who aren't the protags. bro it's not their fault that they're antagonists and they're not even THAT annoying lmao
#ch 194#'theyre here to make tesilid's life miserable'#me: oh no (expressionlessly). anyway#idk maybe its bc for me tesilid's life being miserable is GOOD for me as a reader#so i dont hold anything against the antagonists#the story literally tells you over and over that the world is designed to torment tesilid#like look me in the eye and tell me which family w unique looks wouldnt clock their long lost member right away LMAOOO#theyre cartoonishly evil for a reason#and they dont even play upon any evil tropes of like. reminding u of evil people u know irl 😭#whr is all that anger in your body coming from#wait. i just realised that the only chars i want to see miserable are the chars i like LMAO#i desperately need to see reed bloodied and beaten up#not bc i hate him (which is the case for some commenters on um. checks notes. the first bloody ch reed appears)#but bc i like him very much i just want to see him in a situation whr he isnt arrogant and confident like he usually is#are you telling me most ppl dont consume fiction in this way. lol#growing up on the 'i hope my blorbo explodes ♥️' website sure has its effectz#...i did not mean to use the z and speak like its 2000#anw im also j wondering if ppl who curse every minor antagonist know how stories work#like... stories need antagonists. you know that right#right. whyre u getting mad that the protag isnt having a smooth sailing life. lol#this antag literally JUST appeared how are you hating them already
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noelle is literallyyyyyy just a girl like shes just a girl and all this shit is happening slash has happened to her CAN SHE CATCH A FUCKING BREAKKKKKKK
#missing sister dying dad controlling mom distant childhood friend whos been fucking possessed#and if you wanna make her life even more miserable on TOP of all that you can make her enter a forced abusive relationship with said#childhood friend and make her murder her other best friend! like come the fuck ONNNNNNNNN SHES LITERALLY JUST A GIRL!#AND shes got gaster shit written all over her what with her gamebreaking tendencies and her weird door and egg interactions#and his leitmotif in her fucking theme CAN SHE JUST BE HAPPY. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD#ITS GONNA GET WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER NO MATTER WHAT ROUTE YOURE ON AND IM SCARED FOR MY#BEAUTIFUL DARLING GIRL#serena.txt
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#ever sit like a corpse in your own body?#im doing a job i wasnt designed for. theres this funny thing we do in academia where we beg for money. write in consise phrasing why we#deserve funding. what it is about our project what it is about our personhood that makes us deserving. what we're doing in our present to#give back and ensure a better future. and i can pull together a description of a nervous kid who couldn't read but loved to learn anyway.#who didnt kno how to hold proper a conversation until college and so tried and got better at ppl. who wouldnt let a language problem get in#the way of information gain. who cares about making complicated info visually digestible. and that's a nice story. but it falls apart when#projected into the future. what r u doing for the future? im just trying to continue existing#dont u want to help other ppl like u? sure but i dont have anything nice to say to them. does it ever get easier? no. it probably never will#ur brain was not built for reading. sometimes things r just terrible and u have to accept that. develop a crippling mental disorder or do#something where u dont have to read. see. not helpful. bad attitude. im just too full of blood and broken glass. all my achievements r#stained red and it hurts to look at them. to get myself to function i have to squeeze so tight i can feel the strain in my head. and even#then its not enough. do u kno what its like to spend ur whole life building something only to watch it burn to ashes in front of u? just a#broken machine rotting away underground where no one will see it. but dont let things fester. speak up if somethings wrong. and say what?#lmao i wrote this last night and then today when my advisor was like: hows it going? do u feel like u have enough time to get everything#done? and i had the gall to be like *voice strained high to prevent crying* its alright i think ive got enough time. bc yea technically i#think there r enough hours in yhr day that if i really tried i could get it all done. but that doesn't count the time i spend laying with#thr absolute desolation of my mind. so no. there isnt enough time bc im not doing well. but there's nothing he can do abt it so ya kno#whats the point in talking abt it except to say ya sorry im such a wretched miserable person. i dont kno how to fix it. my enthusiasm is#hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse#but whatever ill see my therapist Tuesday#unrelated
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#i joke about it and all but like. i cannot emphasize enough what an impact it had on me to be uhhhhhb#micro-institutionalized in the way that i was for the first 14 years if my life#and i am honestly going to count the time i soent in ''elementary'' school bc it wasn't a normal school. it was a charter school#that began as a parent organized alternative and swiftly devolved into an authoritarian nightmare#a bunch of people who were simply not ready to educate children let alone ''problem'' children#of which there were MANY because that school got all the kids who had been turned out of public school for behavioral issues#there were hardline rules about literally everything. normal childhood behavior was pathologized and punished and as a kid#you had no way to understand WHY#and so many of your peers were having problems because ofc those ''problem'' kids were typically severely traumatized#or were actively being abused#so even if it wasn't happening TO you you were being exposed to it in a hundred little ways every day#so i was confused and miserable all the time AND was struggling academically bc i had undiagnosed adhd#(or possibly just trauma?? i honestly neither know nor care which came first at this point)#so my mom pulled me and my brother out. him at 11 and me at 6 and said ''i'll just do it myself'' and#raised us in a way that wasn't religious but resembled evangelical or lds stuff#i couldn't watch commercial tv or listen to popular music bc my parents didn't want me exposed to what they considered inappropriate#and while i still had extracurriculars i was always the odd one out bc i had no exposure to pop culture or normal socialization#for my age group#it resulted in me always feeling alone and like i didn't belong. and since most of my social life was my parents and their friends#that was the perfect soup for adultification#i was fine with adults. put me with my peers and i was a mess#it made the transition to high school incredibly difficult but i DID make it#but that was only 4 years still in an institution. everything began to unravel once i tried to move into anything resembling ''real life''#and then my dad's suicide which was a major trauma in early adulthood which only made my mom's grip on us tighten#i did get to START life until 26. not really. and it's just been a game of catch up for the last 5 years#and im so *angry* at the unfairness of it all. at the time and experience and milestones that were taken from me. at how i blamed myself#for it for so many years and the problems i developed because of it all. dissociation and substance abuse and suicidality#the fear that still has a death grip on me#the courage required to just exist#it's *exhausting*
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it's not enough to defend seungcheol online, etc, etc.
#when i say twitter army make kpop a miserable experience lol.#didnt know the sk military had shooters like that#they're fake fans tho for not knowing that even to do the 'desk work' theyre so fond of citing that you still need complete basic training#but reading doesnt seem to be their strong suit lol#anyway fuck the people who use bts to fight their fan wars i hope u never get bts tickets in your life <3#im talking again
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fuck man it's so fucking frustrating how I'd probably love to clean and organize if i were ablebodied (or even just didn't have my specific conditions but still the nd traits)
I just can't be moving my head around like crazy. walking while moving my arms, reaching my arms down and immediately up, lowering my head to the ground to reach something and then standing back up, having no momentary neck support at any time, those are the worst for me. I would do any task, honestly. I just feel so fucking trash every time I do these kinds of things. standing is excruciating, moving my arms while doing it literally affects my consciousness to the point where I lose track of what I'm doing (and not in the typical adhd way).
as long as I can stay stationary, particularly partially lounging, I am capable of rational, logical thought. I can think through long term consequences, remember the basic physics of the universe, generally function like I am not an alien to this dimension.
#i literally drop things bc i forget im holdinf them#or i think that idk it wont drop ljke im a fuxking astronaut#i slam into things bc i forget i have a physical form#literally being up and movinf around makes my brain SO dissociated and im SO dizzy and my vision is wonky and i can barely focus on staying#up right#but i can do things like go for walks#its all about how much i move my arms and get up and down#so badically i seem like im faking it🫥#i can do 'fun' things but not work#not paying attention to the faxt that i dont much like the activities im doint#i do them to stay alive and make others happy#and genuinely i am incapable of what would make me happy#WHICH IS WORK#GENUINELY#my life is miserable BECAUSE i cant clean or move around#i hate feeling like i contribute nothing to the ppl i love#i hate not being organized#and i HATE not working so so so so so much#the sad fact is that i just really cant work#i have to somehow get better#even though no one knows whats wrong w me or believes im genion3ly experiencing it#i dont have seizures apparently its normal to collapse and go into spasms w ur eyes rolled back in your head.#apparently thats normal#apparently its fine to hallucinate my whole life and have fainting spells and confusion and disorientation and feel sensations as other thin#gs#thats kusy notmal and not indicitive of ANY neurological priblem#so i should shut up and go away and get some CBT about it#i jusy dont fucking know whatcyh3 fuck i am supposed to do#what am i supposed to do to be able to work
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of course the first time I miss this one class we have a pop quiz
#of course this happens to me#im depressed and suicidal as hell and then the universe is like how can we make your life even more miserable
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i cant even sleep. this is bad. just caught up in my own thoughts.
#the fault was mine. this all happened because of my actions and no one elses.#the cause and the effect of ones actions#i dont even want to die. i just want a life i truly want to live.#so why did i say i was? people fucking care about me and people love me and are willing to help me when i need it so why did i think in the#time that i wanted to die? i didnt want to. i was just tired and miserable and confused. having a moment. not a good moment.#i kept telling them no intent no plan and they believed me only after 2 weeks. i overhear what they say when i leave that room.#was that the best for me?? i wasnt happy. my mental health stayed the same. except i had no one to tell this time. just myself. maybe a#friend there but everyone has their own issues.#if i could make a wish i wouldve wished i never said that. i wouldve wished this wasnt the consequence i wish this wasnt what my life is now#this is *exactly* what i feared if i expressed these feelings#and now life still feels like hell. even when im home.#congratulations me. you fucked up major.#and now you have to adjust to your normal life again. forget this part that happened because it wasnt supposed to.#and now everybody knows my thoughts. this is all i feared.#this is absolutely terrifying. im so scared even still.#but this is better for me??? i fucking hope it is.
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Also this is bat & me hanging out at work. They literally will grab you arm to stroke them & sit on it so you don't go back to where your meant to be. (I mean I meant to hang out with her but my bosses don't seem to understand that)
#no one can remember ir agree if theyre a boy or girl#bat is a non binary icon.#i dont feel comfortable being out at work but everytime i go to hang out or do something#with the cats im just like its your uncle sebastian#it makes me feel better the cats all know my name is sebastian even if my co workers dont#working with animals when your queer is great cuz they dont give a shit about anything like that#apart from luna who is a homophoic lesbian who has made it her life work to cause pain and miserably
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