#empathy not sympathy

[diaryofaninsanewriter]

Breaking Boundaries: An Interview with Kala Sridhar, the Indomitable Spirit of Inclusivity

Today, I bring you an interview with one of the most dynamic women entrepreneurs I know, a fighter who didn’t let her birth defect define her. Meet Kala Sridhar, a passionate cricketer, successful business owner, and ardent Rotarian.

India is a land of diverse people and stories, yet inclusivity remains a dream for many individuals with disabilities. My heart beats for every person who deserves to be included, celebrated, and empowered. Today, I bring you an interview with one of the most dynamic women entrepreneurs I know, a fighter who didn’t let her birth defect define her. Meet Kala Sridhar, a passionate cricketer,…

[youlookkindadead]

i've seen quite a bit of confusion about this, so let me attempt to clear things up :

empathy is the ability to feel somebody's emotions as though they are affecting you personally. for example, somebody tells you "my dog died last night!" -> you now feel as though you've lost a pet personally -> you feel grief and sadness just like the other person. not everyone has empathy. it's a trait some people develop and others don't. some have high empathy, some have low empathy, some (like me) have none.

sympathy is the ability to understand and care about somebody else's struggles, even if you don't feel them yourself. so, somebody tells you their dog died -> you realize how this affects them emotionally -> you care about this person, and are upset that they are suffering. not everyone has sympathy either! it's a scale, just like empathy.

compassion is doing something to relieve another person's suffering or make them feel better. somebody tells you their dog died -> you don't want them to remain upset -> you come up with ways to help them feel better, like offering comfort and distractions, or other forms of support. compassion is a learned trait, not something you can be born with like empathy or sympathy. anyone can learn to be compassionate, although some may struggle more with it than others; it's a skill, just like anything else.

however, none of these are required to be a good person. that's a choice you make on your own accord. i hope this clears things up!

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[raqualswonderfunblog]

[cringefailvox]

charlie's low empathy/high sympathy desperation to help people without ever really understanding WHY they feel the way they do + vaggie's complex about needing to be useful to the people she loves or else she's worthless = charlie completely mistaking vaggie's self-sacrifical behavior for an expression of love and not the trauma response that it is, because all she's grasping are the literal words out of vaggie's mouth and not the alarming nuances of terrified self-hatred lurking underneath

[philosophybits]

Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

[palatinewolfsblog]

On Snowflakes... "Yes I've heard this word. I think sociopaths use it in an attempt to discredit the notion of empathy." John Cleese.

[siren--squid]

Anyways, support people with low/no empathy, sympathy, and/or compassion.

Those things are not required to be a good person, and nobody should feel like those things are a requirement in life.

[gl1tched-g0th]

It's always "omg this character is sooo autistic coded 🥰" Until that character has low empathy and/or sympathy, is considered "rude", doesn't understand social cues or vague boundaries, doesn't act stupid, helpless, or weak, or has higher OR lower sensory needs, then suddenly it's a Problem and they Aren't "sooo" autistic coded anymore.

Really goes to show how many people just see autism as this cute quirky trait instead of an actual disability that. yknow. Disables the person who has it.

[shutinthenutouse]

[yggdrasil-00]

A really dumb vent but tbh you don't have to feel empathy, guilt, sympathy, compassion, remorse, etc. to be a good person. You can feel none of these and still decide to do the right thing. In fact people who DO feel those things and STILL continue to do horrible things are worse imo.

[cluster-b-culture-is]

Low empathy/sympathy cluster B culture is trying to be nice because you know logically that’s the right thing to do but people are being really annoying and you don’t have the energy to try and be compassionate

.

[wearecrowley]

[lazyyogi]

Someone sent me a letter that had one of the best quotes I've ever read. It said "What is to give light must endure burning." It's by a writer named Viktor Frankl. I've been turning that quote over and over in my head. The truth of it is absolutely awe-inspiring. In the end, I believe it's why we all suffer. It's the meaning we all look for behind the tragedies in our lives. The pain deepens us, burns away our impurities and petty selfishness. It makes us capable of empathy and sympathy. It makes us capable of love. The pain is the fire that allows us to rise from the ashes of what we were, and more fully realize what we can become. When you can step back and see the beauty of the process, it's amazing beyond words.

Damien Echols

[irequirealobotomy]

Hey btw the human brain is super fucking complicated so everyone experiences things differently and lives differently, so stop calling others fakers for being different

And: Yes, I am referring to endogenic systems here. Yes, I am referring to people who use xenogenders. Yes, I am referring to people who struggle with empathy and sympathy. And yes, I am referring to all of you that are different.

You have no proof they are faking. You have nothing. They are just trying to live their life. Go back to doing that yourself.

Sincerely,

A really annoyed punk that can’t see why we can’t just accept eachother

[palatinewolfsblog]

“Keep me away from the wisdom

which does not cry,

the philosophy

which does not laugh

and the greatness

which does not bow before children. ”

Khalil Gibran.