#either way I'm here studying and getting anxious about not studying something else

[ayakashibackstreet]

I sure wish my brain didn't act like my life depends on how well I do on basic-ass exams

[myosotisa]

Take a Seat - s.h.

ǁ  summary: What exactly did you think was going to happen when you let King Steve into your bedroom?

ǁ  tags: smutty blurb, afab!reader, no y/n, nicknames are sweetheart and baby. King Steve is the King Tease.

ǁ  word count: 900

"Hey sweetheart?"

You barely look up from where you're pouring over the textbook on your desk. "Hmm?"

There's a small shuffle from your friend Steve adjusting on your bed, most likely to face you. "Can I ask you something?"

Glancing back at him with your eyebrows drawn together, you catch a glimpse of his impish smile that he's attempted to make look sweet before you return to your book. "Sure?"

"Can I fuck you into your mattress?"

The world spins from how fast you twist toward him, hand gripping the back of your chair tightly as all the blood rushes to your head. "Excuse me?!"

A lazy smile tilts his mouth, eyes shining with mischief as he repeats with slow pauses for effect, "Can I… fuck you… into your mattress?"

Your jaw drops, mouth opening and closing like a fish as you struggle to force out words. "I heard you the first time, I was just giving you a chance to say something else."

"Come on," he leans back onto his palms, thighs spreading with his socks firmly on the floor. The traitorous part of your brain he's awakened looks at the space between his thighs, at the empty seat of his denim covered lap and thinks that's a perfect spot for me. "Like you've never thought about it?"

"I…" Eyes drying from staring at him in shock, you manually force a few blinks as you swallow hard. "This feels like a trick question."

"I bet you have," he says in a sigh, adjusting on the bed with what seems like a very intentional thrust of his hips upward. He adjusts to hold most of his weight on one hand, the other making a little walk up toward where your blanket meets your pillow. "I bet you've laid right here on these sheets… Hand tucked into your pretty little panties and whimpered my name."

The visual has your gut twisting, warmth spreading from between your thighs and outwards. Your face is burning hot as your eyes flick from his hand to his face to his lap and back again. "I don't – I don't understand what's happening right now."

Steve has never, ever shown any interest in you. While you've only been friends for a little while, he was known for his conquests around school. Everyone knew how they went. When he approached you, entirely friendly, asking for a study partner, you'd known it didn't fit his pattern. This wasn't how he came onto the other girls at school.

"What's not to get?" He asks teasingly, the tips of his thick fingers hooking on the top of your blanket just to shift it down a few inches. "It'd be fun."

And while the visual part of your brain talks directly to the throb of feeling in your clit explaining just how fun it would be, your thinking brain is still fighting tooth and nail against something you hadn't considered a possibility anymore.

"Why are you doing this, Steve?" I'm not your type, your mind tacks on. This feels like some kind of cruel joke, it warns.

"Because, baby," he's shifting again, upper body pressing forward as he rests either palm on his spread knees, "I like to play with my food before I eat it."

Brain coming to a grinding halt from its anxious frenzy, all that remains is a cycling repeat of his statement and the reactionary shiver it sent down your spine. “Your… food?” 

This seems to make him huff a laugh, shaking his head. For such a smart girl, it made his dick twitch in his pants at how easy it is to throw you off balance, how quick you're going dumb for him. “Yes, sweetheart. Now are you going to let me keep playing? Or should I leave you alone with that wet spot that’s already on your panties?”

Your head ducks down in alarm, thinking you’re exposed to him in some way, only to see your pants still perfectly in place. When you look back up to retort, the cheeky grin on his face informs you that your reaction told him everything he needed to know. “You! I’m not!”

Taking a deep breath, shoulders rising and then falling lower than they were before as you try to release some of the sudden tension in your body. "How would we even...?"

The sudden shyness, your nervous hesitation, makes his cock throb again, one of his hands instinctively pressing down on the growing tent in his tight jeans. It nearly makes him groan at how heavily your eyes track the movement before quickly looking away with an almost inaudible squeak. “Don’t worry your big brain about it. Just come over here and let me show you.”

The way you stare at him for just a little too long, looking like a deer in headlights, makes him think maybe he came about this the wrong way. Maybe you’ll bolt like a scared rabbit. But then you silently push yourself to stand and take a few hesitant steps toward him, not quite entering the space between his spread thighs.

That Harrington charm comes through his encouraging smile, his voice a cooing murmur when he says, “Good girl.” Your thighs press together subconsciously and he delights in the new reaction. “Now take a seat,” he insists with a pat to the inside of one of his thighs. “I’ve got a spot right here with your name on it.”

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thanks for reading! please reblog and leave a reaction if you liked it :)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for telling my friend that we have public education in this country? Content warning for politics, and sorry, this one got long.

Here goes a bit of context: I (23M) have a group friend consisting of A (23M), C (24M) and V (24F). We all study different college careers, but mine is literally focused on politics, so it is a topic in which I can get heated very quickly.

There's elections going on this year, and, at the time I sent this ask, the results were tied between two candidates, that I will call SM and JM (just in case but if you are from my country you pretty much realize who I'm talking about). So, we will go to a second round and will have an answer on who is the new president for good next month (November).

Now, in all honesty, both candidates suck (although one is definitely a lot worse than the other, but that's just my humble opinion). SM is... really lukewarm(?). He's already in a position of power in an economy-related setting, and we have horrible inflation. However, one of JM's main things and the reason a lot of people love him is that he wants to remove taxes. Which, you know, among other things, no taxes means no public health, no public education, no financial helps from the government, no anything unless it comes straight out of your pocket. He has a very capitalistic mindset, because "freedom". He has other proposals, but this is the relevant one.

All of us in my friend group go to public colleges. Our public education IS really good, no doubt about it. And when the first round of elections happened, C asked who we voted for. I didn't really wanted to talk about it, but C pressed the issue on who I voted for, which was SM. I said that, and his reply was "good job [my name], now we are going to eat polenta" (polenta is a dish commonly associated with poor people). He also said he was going to vote for JM in the second round.

Here's were I could've TA: I said "whatever, we will have access to public education either way and that's something that will not be touched if SM wins". I said public education, as I could've said ANYTHING else we have, which is public health (I consider worthy mentioning that HRT and gender affirming surgeries are free because trans healthcare is under the Compulsory Medical Program, and C is a trans man who wants to transition. Our friend, A, is also a trans man and he is transitioning for free due to this), financial helps from the government (some of which he benefits from, and I benefit from them too), and among other free things paid with taxes. I also admit that, due to my wording, it looked like I was directly telling him "YOU will have access to public education", rather than a general thing.

But it looks like I struck a nerve within C, because he said "I will not have it now because I can't pay rent any longer" (he lives in a tiny town and comes to the city I live in to study). Neither I, A, or V knew about that. I'm also a terribly anxious person, so I ended up replying "sorry, I didn't knew that, but I said public education as I could've said anything else" but he kept going and said "I don't know why people keep telling me this, when public education is not even accessible to everyone" (no idea who else "keep telling this" to him, it certainly isn't me). I didn't said anything and just stopped talking on the groupchat because I'm embarrassed.

This can look like I'm looking for validation or anything, but I'm genuinely thinking that I could've been the asshole, even if I didn't knew the situation he was going through. I could've just said that I didn't wanted to talk about politics and that's it, because I knew I could get heated and even a bit aggressive. So, AITA??

What are these acronyms?

[starberriemilk]

Hey, I was wondering if you could maybe help me with this, because I am incredibly now at polyamory, I have no onw around me that I could talk to and I don't know how to act.

Okay so basically, i have been with my partner for almost 3 years now. We were completly monogamous until a few months ago, when they went to study abroad. We have a huge time difference (9h) and we have never been apart for more than 1 month, so long distance has been hard on us. Not even 2 weeks of being aborad they met someone and started to develop a crush.

I had no worries and said it would be okay for me if they would try something out, but I also said that i don't know if I would be comfortable with them developing feelings for each other. Fast forward a few weeks, they actually developed feelings for each other and I stopped feeling comfortable with them kissing or having sex. My partner and I talked about it and we came to the conclusion that we want to try to actually open our relationship.

See the problem isn't with my partner or the guy they found, because both of them are 100% okay with everything. I am the only one who feels terrible about my partner having romantic feelings for someone other than me. But I really want to try for my partner. (I dont know if a non-monogamous relationship is for me, right now it doesn't feel like I can do this, but like I said I really want to try for them).

I feel jealous and anxious and sometimes angry. I don't want to feel this way. We talked about things that could help me get over these feelings, including my partner spending more time with me and me actually getting to know the other person.

(I also thought that it could maybe help if I also had someone else, but I don't know if I actually want that. Also it hurts when my partner says that they don't care if I have someone else.)

Moreover we made the "rule" that we should take it slow and that I am currently not comfortable with them sharing bodily affection, like kissing or having sex. We're hoping that as time passes my bad feelings would go away and they can slowly start doing these things again.

Now coming to my question: Do you have any advice on how to handle this situation? How can I figure out where my bad feelings are coming from? What else can we do to reduce my bad feelings? I would appreciate your help soo much. Thank you!

UM HELLO! I'm.. Not completely sure why you've sent this to me out of all people! I'm just a silly minor that posts about Limbus Company and I barely talk about being polyamorous or give advices to people publicly <:'DD

Not mad or upset!! Just confused!

Either way I really suggest you to ask that to people more experienced than me, here are some polyamorous blogs I follow that helped me and other people a lot!: @polyamorouscultureis @polyamoryfacts @polyamzeal

But if you really want to hear my opinion- I can tell you, just please take this with a grain of salt because I'm just an inexperienced stranger on the internet that's a minor too!;

The most important thing in any relationship is these two: Be honest and communicate. Tell your partner how you feel, no matter if it will hurt them or not, because your feelings matter. If I was in your situation, I would have a big talk with my partner where we discuss our feelings and talk about what we both want and trying to find a compromise

If you'll figure out that you don't feel comfortable being in a polyamorous relationship- That's completely okay and valid. Don't force yourself to go through feelings of jealousy and sadness just so your partner can be happy, both of you are important in this relationship. And if you'll tell your partner that, I'm sure they'll understand if they'll love you, they may feel hurt, but it's better to hurt someone this one time than being hurt for the rest of your relationship

However, if you'll figure out that you're fine with in a polyamorous relationship, or perhaps you just wanna try and see how it'll go, I have some advices on how to deal with being jealous. Again, be honest and communicate.. As simple as that, this is always a key to a problem in relationship. What I do, is when I feel jealous that my partner gives love to my other partner, I just ask if I can get attention too, if I can get a kiss too, if I can get a hug too, and this works wonders! If I felt like my partner neglects me, I just say "hey, you've been spending a lot of time with x, can you spend some time with me?". I know asking that stuff may be anxiety inducing, and as a person who has anxiety I really understand! But it's worth it, if your partner loves you, they'll understand

There's also polyamorous people who ask their partners to do things like, sex or even kissing with other people, away from them, and never speak of it. Some polyamorous relationships have some kind of "hierarchy" where a partner gives more attention to one person than another and everyone consents to it and are fine with it... there is a lot of things that you can consider with your partner

Just please, remember that your happiness is as important as your partner's, and remember to be honest and communicate, good luck with your relationship and I hope you'll find a good solution to your problem 💜 If you need to talk more or want to update me on this, my DMs are always open!

Despite being just a silly blog, my DMs are here for people who need help, just as long as y'all know I'm not a specialist and I'm just a silly teen on the internet that has some experience in life

[sebs-studies]

Unsolicited advice from a second year uni student

Since it's now September and most people I know will be heading either back to school or gearing up for university. And if anyone did what I did they might look at Tumblr to get some studying/life ideas (I did this during my A-levels and ended up making my own blog!). So I wanted to give some general advice from my perspective to anyone who might want it - also this will be specific to the UK but some of it is just general too. Also I want to be able to look back on this since I went back through my blog recently and realised I may have needed this advice even just a year ago.

For those who are about to go to university do not panic (cliché I know) but seriously. You will survive the first year I promise! It obviously varies from person to person and between unis and degrees but the first year will generally be a massive adjustment period in your life. And that will likely impact your mental health. This is totally normal. I got major impostor syndrome the first few months of uni. It wasn't until semester 2 that I started to feel comfortable. And largely because if was an entirely new way of learning and teaching, I had to completely relearn how to study, whilst also learning how to live on my own, and living in a new city and making friends.

You will make friends, it might not be immediately but you will find someone before the end of your first year. I got blessed by chance in making friends, but I know lots of people who it took the entire year to find their people. The unfortunate part of this advice is to make friends you do have to go outside and meet them (and I don't always mean going out drinking although this is definitely an option). Look for societies and clubs at your uni this will be 100% an easy way to meet people. And especially especially in the first few weeks of uni go to the welcome/fresher/first year events. I avoided them because I was anxious but turns out they're an amazing way to meet people because guess what? Everyone else is just as anxious as you are!

Expect your grades to go down at first and don't be discouraged, you can and will get those grades back up. And even if you don't (given that you are passing) it doesn't matter. Grades, especially at grad level are kind of inconsequential for most people. Two things to be mindful of are if you are going for a work placement or study abroad year (if you live in the UK) as first year grades do matter for those. Something no one will probably tell you till it's too late. But even then for most study programs you only need a 60% in your first year. And to just progress you only need a 40% (at most unis double check yours). Point being if there's ever a time for your grades to go down it's now, don't panic, your degree isn't over, you're not an impostor, you deserve to be here.

Everyone is struggling just as much as you are. Don't be fooled by Instagram or whatever. Even though I am guilty of it, we only show the nice parts of our lives online. When I get most stressed I step back from this blog, and you guys don't see the tears, sleepless nights, frustrating, and also kind of gross parts of being a student. So don't be fooled if Amanda from your seminar seems to have a perfect life on her Instagram, chances are she hasn't got it as together as you think, and you are no less better than anyone else in the room.

Save money anyway you can!!! I cannot stress this enough but one of the students biggest issues is spending. I'm guilty too but do your best especially in the first year to not overspend too much. Still enjoy yourself 100%, but do you really need to take out five times a week? Or the new shoes? Trust me by the time you get to your second year and your savings or your loan is gone you'll be wishing you held back a little.

If you are struggling. Talk to someone. For uni students, go to your mentor, academic lead, or look up the mental health service at your uni. Every uni (in the UK) has a mental health team. I know many of us are disillusioned with student support networks but I mean this when I say uni support systems are better funded, more rigorous and it serves them to support you. You are not just a student at the university, you are a customer paying a lot of money to be there. It's important that you are happy and you are progressing, otherwise both you and the uni lose! Don't be afraid to speak up when you need it, there will be someone there.

For UK students look up student groups for your university of Facebook. I'm being 100% serious when I say there is a gold mine of info on Facebook for unis. I never ever post on Facebook but it is so useful for staying in the know on events, stuff currently happening, and lots of student groups are pretty funny/gossipy. Some unis even have pages giving away free stuff from previous students, i.e. crockery, kitchen stuff, speakers etc. I managed to save some decent money on these groups. Also if you're into clubbing this is a pretty good way to learn where the good spots are in your city ;)

Romanticism will only go so far. Don't exhaust yourself on how you look. At the end of the day if you are getting the job done who cares if you did it hunched over a bag of cold McDonalds at 3 am? It's no better than someone with a green smoothie at a coffee shop.

I say a lot of this because my first semester was an emotional rollercoaster. During my GCSEs to A-Levels I thrived academically and then coming to Uni I felt like I was so out of my depth. And it wasn't until the second year I realised that this is, a) normal, and b) not that deep! So you scored a little low on an essay? Take the advice and work on the next one. You had some awkward conversation at a uni event? Everyone has forgotten about it already, give a different event a go. One of my favourite things about university is that it is surprisingly low consequence (in the grand scheme of things). Making mistakes won't end you it's okay. I know everyone on studyblr is a perfectionist but give yourself some leniency please. Anyway that's enough of my ranting. To be honest I expect no one to read this. But I am curious how I'll update it in a year's time once I'm going into third year.

If anyone has any questions about university my DMs are open. (I actually am now a paid guide for welcoming first years so it is literally my job lol).

[ley-med]

Hey! I want to apologise in advance because well I'm going to cry about my life in your asks and ruin your mood. I'm a second year? First year student? I'm not sure anymore. I had my first year final exams and got my results 2 days ago. I failed anatomy. Not by just a bit but by 18 marks. People who have not studied even a single day the whole year somehow passed. I was blaming the system, the checkers and what not but my mom kinda said that your failure is your fault more than anyone else's and she's not wrong. I always dreaded studying anatomy, I hated it cuz it was hard, maybe? Idk on the other hand i scored pretty good in biochemistry and physiology. I have a month roughly to prepare for my supplementry exams that are in February and if I pass I can rejoin my batch , I'll be with my friends again. But to study alone this month feels so difficult, fomo as my friends and classmates go to clinics and OT's constantly makes me anxious. My parents are very supportive, they were very positive and that I have gotten a chance to resolve my fear. My mental health is fluctuating so bad, a moment I'm so motivated that I can do it! And the next minute I'm in pits of sadness and dispair. Idk why im sharing all this but as a fellow in medical field I hope maybe i could have a word of encouragement or maybe a reality check. My friends believe hundred percent that I'll pass and I'm hopeful too but my anxiety does not rest. If I fail I'd have to repeat the year and be with my junior batch. Thank you for listening and I'm sorry again.

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry, I feel your pain!

Do you know how many times I failed anatomy? Well I won't say the exact number because that's frankly embarrassing, but I'm probably on some sort of list of "worst students to ever disgrace the halls of the anatomy department"... I failed anatomy and biochemistry and had to repeat first year. Then I failed anatomy and physiology and had to retake second year too... Shit happens.

Do you know why they say med school is hard? It's because it is damn hard. Most students will fail some exams here or there, some will fail more than just a few exams, and very few will pass all of theirs. (Even those who don't study and somehow seem to always pass? Even their luck runs out sometimes). Sometimes it's unfair, and sometimes it's our fault.

Your exam results has nothing to do with how good of a doctor you will become! It's just school, nothing more, nothing less. See me, I was so bad at med school, just terrible at it, and now that I'm a doctor, I might not be the best ever out there, but I'm good at my job.

I know this sucks now, it sucks to fail, and it sucks to study again when you could be doing something else. But it's just an exam, not the end of the world. You cry, then you dry your tears, sit back, and study as hard as you can.

And there is no guarantee you will pass the next time either, passing is never ever guaranteed! You just study and hope for the best. And if you fail again, you cry some more, then realise that maybe your "study as hard as you can" wasn't really your hardest, or you realise you aren't studying effectively and you need to find a way of studying that better suits you. We all have to learn how to study...

And sometimes you just say, fuck it, and pass purely out of spite.

Anyways. Don't compare yourself to others. You live your life, not theirs. And unfortunately, yours now includes some more exams and studying... Allow yourself some time to wallow in despair, you absolutely deserve that relief, but after that, give yourself a pep talk sweetheart and get back to studying. And do something fun, and have some treats! You deserve that too!

And hey? You can do this! I believe in you, anon, you absolutely got this. Just be patient with yourself :)

[indigowallbreaker]

!8 on the fluff list for Edelguard/Bernadetta/Raphael?

It's only after I've finished editing this that I'm looking closer at your prompt and realizing you might have meant 18, not 8? Either way, an interesting trio to put in a Situation. Sorry for the wait!

[prompt rules]

[more Beagles stories]

8. “I’m so proud of you.”

--

Bernadetta's leg bounced under the table. Her hands were clenched in her lap, fists wound as tight as her insides. No matter much she mentally pleaded, Professor Byleth wasn't handing back their tests any faster. It was as if they knew Bernadetta was about to pass out from nerves and took pleasure in her discomfort.

It wasn't even her own test Bernadetta was anxious about. In front of her, Edelgard sat upright and sure, eyes also tracking the Professor as they moved around the classroom. Beside Bernadetta was Raphael, hands clasped on the table top. It was their test scores Bernadetta wanted to know so badly.

Edelgard and Raphael had met multiple times that week to study for this particular test. More accurately-- Edelgard had tutored Raphael several times that week for this test. The guilt of it lay thick in Bernadetta's gut. Edelgard was royalty. She was next in line to be Emperor! If anyone should have been tutoring Raphael, it should have been Bernadetta. And now there was a chance Edelgard's test score could be affect by her lack of proper studying.

Stupid Bernie! Why didn't she offer faster? Why didn't she interrupt their sessions to take over instead? Her own scores could get as low as dirt-- they didn't matter compared to Edelgard's.

"It's easier to study in the library with the materials close at hand," Edelgard had explained when the tutoring plans had first been made. "I know you dislike being out of your room for so long. You may join us when you have the confidence."

But Bernadetta had talked herself out of joining them every time. Even when Raphael had offered to make her a 'Bernadetta Book Barricade' to keep her safe from the rest of the library, Bernadetta had yelled that moving so many books would draw attention and to not go through the trouble. Inside, however, she was happy at his attempt to keep her safe. Even if Edelgard had been shaking her head at the pair of them during the whole conversation.

"Here you are."

The Professor was standing beside Bernadetta, holding out her test. Bernadetta took it and placed in on her desk without looking at the grade. Her gaze was locked on the Professor's hand, which had reached into the stack to grab the next paper. Slowly-- or perhaps it was just slow to Bernadetta-- they handed back Raphael's test. Then Edelgard's in the next row. Then they began speaking to the class about something that went in on of Bernadetta's ears and out the other.

She didn't register anything until the lunch bell rang. Immediately she grabbed Raphael's arm, stopping him from leaving as the rest of the class filed out. Seeing this, Edelgard hesitated by Bernadetta's desk, then waved for Hubert to leave with everyone else.

"What's up?" Raphael asked once the three were alone.

"H-How did you guys do?" Bernadetta's own text crinkled in her grasp.

Raphael grinned with all his teeth. "I nailed this one! Thanks to Edelgard, of course!"

"You knew more to start with than you thought," Edelgard praised as she held up her own passing test score for Bernadetta to observe. "You just needed some help with--"

"I'm so proud of you two!"

Bernadetta buried her face in her palms, trying and failing to hold back sobs of relief. Raphael had gotten a better grade than Bernadetta! Her country's princess had passed with flying colors! The guilt and anxiety that had made it's home in her chest all week had vanished, leaving Bernadetta feeling lightheaded and shaky.

A strong arm wrapped around her shoulders and Edelgard's laughter seemed to wrap Bernadetta just as tight. "That's what's got you so worked up?"

"One test shouldn't cause so much grief," Edelgard said, holding out a handkerchief.

Bernadetta sniffed and took it. "Sorry." She dabbed at her cheeks. "Um, c-could I join in your study sessions next time?"

"Sure yah can! That okay with you, Edelgard?"

"Of course." Edelgard smiled softly as she pushed Bernadetta's bangs away from her tear-sticky face. "We will tackle the next test together."

Relaxing into Raphael's arm, clutching Edelgard's handkerchief, Bernadetta returned the smile, confident that she could easily brave a few hours in the library next time.

[betweenthings2]

28 & 30 from the cuddle prompts I think would be so wholesome & just 😭

Thank you for the ask!! The list is here if anyone else wants to see it. I do really love these little prompts and I'm working though the other ones in my inbox. They're really staving off the mental breakdown, which is probably for the best.

28. "Oh my God, you're such a cuddle bug." and 30. "Ah, there you go. Safe and sound, hm?"

28.

Matty is quite possibly the most the most cuddly person George has ever shared a bedroom with, not that he's really shared bedrooms with people who aren't Matty. He likes to cuddle to fall asleep, but he has a habit of burrowing further into George's side as he sleeps. It's objectively very cute, but subjectively, George can't say he loves waking up with Matty practically on top of him.

He does it when he's awake, too. George will be sitting somewhere, on the couch, in his desk chair, at the kitchen table drinking coffee, and Matty will crowd himself into George's personal space. Usually, he ends up in George's lap and drinks half of his coffee, smokes half his cigarette or joint, eats half his snack. There is no separation between George and Matty and if there is, Matty is quick to close the gap. It's fine mostly. George has learned how to navigate life with a whole entire other person tucked in his side and he always leaves space for Matty to join him wherever he is.

George is used to the way Matty likes to touch--they've been living in each other's orbits for nearly fifteen years now, been in love for nearly ten, been living together for nearly five. What George didn't anticipate is that Matty could, in fact, get more touchy, more cuddly. Somehow, he does.

When Matty comes home from rehab, he's like Velcro, unwilling to be more than a few feet from George. He's heard of Velcro dogs, now he has a Velcro boyfriend.

George doesn't do anything about it, just assumes that Matty will find his balance eventually and in the meantime he can adjust. He moves from working at his desk to sitting on the couch or bed with his laptop, so Matty can be there, too. He lets Matty convince him to order a lot of takeout and eat on the couch, rather than at the table, and makes peace with lazy, easy days, Matty never more than a few feet away.

George doesn't say anything about it, either. He figures Matty knows and if he says anything Matty will get quiet and distant, which George would hate. No, he just lets Matty do what he's going to do. At least, he doesn't say anything for a few weeks.

One night, though, Matty has strategically curled up with George in an oversized armchair as they watch a film, sharing a joint. The more stoned he gets, the more he melts into George's side until he's, again, halfway on top of George, head tucked under his chin.

And George must be pretty stoned, too, because when Matty mumbles something about being comfortable, he says, "Oh my god, you're such a cuddle bug, you know that?"

"What?"

"You're on top of me," George says, smiling.

"No 'm not," Matty mumbles, not moving.

"Sure, you're not," George agrees, still smiling. He decides to push his luck a bit and continues, "You know how people say a dog is a Velcro dog?"

Matty nods.

"You're a Velcro boyfriend."

Matty shifts so he can meet George's eyes, pouting. "I am not," he protests.

George studies him for a moment, then says, "You're cute."

Matty huffs, but he tucks his head back under George's chin, doing nothing to combat the accusations. Then he says, quietly, "I can move. If you want."

George tightens his arm around Matty's waist. "I don't want. You're good right where you are."

"I just missed you," Matty admits. "Never been away from you for that long. I know I needed to go, I just," he pauses, "I missed you."

"I missed you, too," George answers, pressing a kiss to Matty's temple. "I'm glad you're home."

"Me, too, G. Me, too."

----

30.

Matty has been anxious lately. There's no reason really, he just gets that way sometimes. At least, that's what he tells George. It's not like he's lying to George, he really does just get this way sometimes, but there's more to it, Matty knows. It's his brain looking for something bad that's about to happen, something he needs to protect himself from, a product, he therapist says, of years spent with technically legitimate worries. Matty protested, saying that worrying his friends would discover his drug problem or that he was going to deliver Chinese food forever weren't really legitimate worries. His therapist said it was less about what the action source of the anxiety was and more about tracing that anxiety to a legitimate source. She says now, his subconscious is primed for cycles of anxiety and is looking for something to worry about, even if there isn't anything.

Matty hasn't told George this. He ought to, he thinks, but he's not so sure he can articulate it. He settles for chain smoking, pacing back and forth though the living room, one too many glasses of wine, afternoons spent sat in the armchair in the corner of the living room so he can see the whole room. George doesn't ask, bless him, just brings Matty cups of tea to replace the cigarettes and does his best. Matty appreciates it, even though George doesn't really think his best is enough. Matty isn't sure what he'd do without George. This, he hasn't said, even though he knows how to say it. It's more a matter of forcing himself to.

One afternoon, in the midst of Matty's latest spell of anxiety, he comes home from a morning of meetings and errands to join George, who really is actually working, in the living room. He doesn't do more than kick his shoes off before he's making himself at home in George's lap, half desperate. George can tell that of course, can read in the slope of Matty's shoulders, in the way he carries himself as he crosses the room that today is a little worse. He doesn't say anything, just sets his laptop aside and opens his arms for Matty.

Matty shifts a bit, trying to get comfortable in the limited space before he sighs and haltingly asks, "Can we, or, well, can we go lay down? Will you lay down with me?"

"Sure I will," George agrees.

So Matty scrambles to his feet and heads up the stairs and to their bedroom, George right behind him. He can feel George's gaze on him as he strips out of his trousers and swaps his button up for a t-shirt that was, at one point, George's. Matty's initial reaction is to preen or put on a show for George, but he finds that he doesn't really have to energy to do so. Instead, he throws back the blankets on the bed, carefully remade by George after they got up, and climbs into bed. George joins him a few minutes later and Matty rolls over, throwing his arm over George's ribs and intertwining their legs. George responds by wrapping his arm around Matty and rubbing his back through the thin cotton of his t-shirt.

After a while, Matty's breathing get's rough and then there's a damp spot forming on George's shirt. Matty is crying, he realizes. Matty cries fairly often, George has come to know, but that doesn't make it any less concerning. That doesn't make him any less worried.

"Oh, love," George murmurs, "'s ok. Everything's ok. I'm here, I've got you."

Matty nods slightly and sniffs, but he doesn't say anything for a few moments. Then, "Thanks. Sorry. I don't mean to cry."

"'s ok," George repeats. "You don't have to apologize."

Matty nods again, then quietly says, "You make me feel safe. I feel safe when you're around, especially when I get like this."

"You are safe with me," George promises automatically. "I've got you."

Matty doesn't say anything more, just moves a bit, closing any space between himself and George and tucking his head under George's chin, wayward curls ticklish against bare skin. George doesn't say anything. Why on earth would he when he has Matty close like this?

Matty glances up at George when he's done moving, a tiny smile on his face.

George would kiss him, but he'd have to move, so instead he holds Matty a little tighter and murmurs, "There you go. Safe and sound, yeah?"

"Yeah," Matty echoes. "Safe and sound."

[stardustandtwilight]

Dec 14 - Tell us about an OC you like, either your own or someone else's. Include a drawing, moodboard, or playlist if you'd like to!

🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲

This is based off this Rosamund Pike video and features my OC Sarah. This is an AU where the canon book events don't happen and I'm modifying how pregnancy with a vampire-human hybrid works.

...

Summer 2005

Sarah was convinced that God was making fun of her. That really was the only explanation for the way her life had turned out. Her little sister Sami had gotten leukemia as a kid and she had been a perfect match for a bone marrow transplant, which had led her down a path to studying the pathology of blood disorders as an adult. Then she became infatuated with a man who turned out to be a vampire – which should have scared her more than it did in the beginning, really what the hell was wrong with her – and now she was carrying his half-vampire baby. And if that wasn’t enough, a big side effect of vampire pregnancy was violent dreams about drinking blood, courtesy of intense blood cravings.

Yes. God was definitely making fun of her.

But at least for now, the blood cravings were in check. What she craved now was something decidedly more normal – pineapple. Fresh pineapple from the whole fruit, not the canned variety. Esme had gone to the grocery store to get some for her and she was currently distracting herself from the craving by playing Pokémon on Emmett’s old Game Boy Color. She’d gone from being very busy with her fellowship to having a lot of time on her hands. She’d tried various hobbies and the Cullens weren’t lacking in options, but Pokémon and other video games ended up being the one that absorbed her the most and kept the anxiety at bay.

There was no shortage of things to be anxious about – the fact that she couldn’t go out in public on the off chance someone recognized her as a missing person, whether Mark would eventually find her, what her family was doing, whether she’d even live through the delivery…

Everything was proceeding as normally as possible for twenty-four weeks and Carlisle was hopeful about the plan when the time came, but Sarah could not stop the intrusive thought.

Before she could ruminate further on it, Esme returned carrying grocery bags. Sarah hastily saved her game and turned it off. Her eyes zeroed in on the bag that had the distinctive pineapple leaves sticking out. “You are a lifesaver, Esme.”

In the kitchen, Esme got out a knife and cutting board, but Sarah shook her head. “My brother Shawn had a way to open a pineapple without using a knife and I want to try it.”

Esme raised her eyebrows. “Oh, well, this I have to see.”

Sarah sat on a stool at the island and held up the pineapple. “He could get out the base here and then he’d pull off the segments.” She pressed her thumb to start digging out the base and found there was barely any give and it made her thumbnail hurt.

Esme watched her struggle for a moment. “Do you need help?”

“No, no, I got this,” Sarah said. “I think.” Finally, she felt some give and she saw yellow. “Okay, now we’re getting somewhere.”

“Where did Shawn learn this trick?” Esme asked.

“College.”

“That explains a lot.”

Sarah continued working on loosening the base and remembered what Shawn called it. “I’m trying very hard not to call this a butt plug.” At Esme’s incredulous face, she added, “That’s what Shawn called it. It made my mom smack him on the back of his head. But in his defense, it’s at the base of the fruit and it’s basically like a plug.”

“I have a feeling that Shawn and Emmett would get along well,” Esme said.  

“Honestly, yeah, they would.” She almost had the whole thing separated and juice was dripping down her wrist. That was not helping with not making more dirty jokes. “Although if Shawn were here, he’d probably just be one more person to irritate Edward.”

“Why is that?”

“Besides his mind living in the gutter, he also has a know-it-all tendency that would clash with Edward’s.”

“Ah.”

With a last crack, the pineapple base came loose. “Yes!” Sarah tossed it on the counter. “Now to break off these segments into chunks.” It was considerably easier to break them off than digging out the base. She held one up in triumph. “Look at that!”

Esme just laughed.

Sarah ate the chunk and it was like she’d never had a better pineapple. She broke off another, a deep sense of satisfaction kicking in. “Is this what it feels like to hunt down your food?”

“Something like that, yes.”

“I went to a lot of effort for this, so I better not be puking pineapple later. Do you hear me, peanut?” Sarah said, poking her baby bump. She got a light kick in response which she took as agreement. “Good girl.” Another side effect was a nasty case of hyperemesis gravidarum and she had joked to Carlisle that it made her feel like the patron saint of emesis. At least that had calmed down since she began to drink blood, but it still flared up. But as Sarah kept eating her fill, there was no sign of impending nausea.

“That sounded like a mom voice,” Esme said.

Sarah sighed. “Gotta practice it, right?”

The front door opened then and Carlisle’s voice called out a greeting.

“We’re in here!” Esme called. Carlisle appeared a second later, still dressed in his lab coat. Sarah waved at him with the pineapple as Esme asked him how work was.

“About the usual.” He eyed pineapple. “It looks like you two have been busy.”

“Yep. Here.” Esme handed Carlisle the pineapple base and Sarah could barely hold back a laugh.

Carlisle shot Sarah a wary look. “Er…thanks?”

“It’s a pineapple butt plug,” Esme said and she and Sarah dissolved further into a laughing fit.

Carlisle blinked. “Clearly I missed a lot.”

[tea-of-destiny]

"They're trying to find someone I can stay with now. A... family."

"I see," Claire mused sympathetically, her mind filling in the adjective Clive had decidedly left blank in his statement. "And how does that make you feel?"

"Um..."

Clive tugged at a stray thread on his hospital shirt.

"I don't want to keep living here. The bed is hard to sleep in. And the tea is never hot. And I miss having normal clothes. But..."

The thread broke away in his fingers, and he sighed.

Unable to look away from the boy's crestfallen expression, Claire's heart ached. "I'm sorry. I can only begin to imagine what this must be like for you. Do you at least have any say in what happens next?"

Clive gave a small, disaffected shrug. "If someone wants to take me in, they have to meet me in the hospital for a few days, and then I go live in their home for some time before the paperwork is really finalized. If I don't want to stay with them, I can ask to be moved, and they'll bring me back here and try to find someone better. I just... don't know if trying to change what happens will do me any good."

"Oh? Why not?"

"Well, everything about my life is different now, anyways, right? None of the families they bring in here will understand that, or understand me--so why does it matter if I choose which one I get sent away with? What would make me the most happy is... something I can't have anymore. And I didn't get to choose that part. "

The words weren't meant to be accusatory. Clive was only a boy in pain, desperate for someone to actually see how much he was hurting even when he didn't cry.

But the guilt nonetheless threatened to swallow Claire whole. It didn't matter that she wouldn't have chosen this either--she still could have done more to keep it from happening altogether. And now it would always remain on her shoulders to right what she had wronged.

A flood of apologies rose behind her lips, but she bit them back hastily. Clive needed more than "sorry" to mend his wounds and bring sparks back into those charcoal eyes. What else could she say to him right now? She sifted through the feelings of shame pooling within her, anxious to find some answer, any answer--

"What if you stayed with me?" she blurted out, then immediately flinched.

It was an answer, that was true. Admittedly, though, it was an answer that could not have more blatantly come out of the heart-hole left bleeding in the wake of her own losses suffered.

But Claire made no motion to rescind it. She had realized almost as soon as she regretted saying it that she had sincerely meant it, too. She simply had to know how he would respond.

Clive flicked his eyes up at the suggestion, studying her through a hefty poker-faced silence. Then he hummed, apparently dismayed. "I'm really sorry, Miss Layton, but I... I just thought that if there was anyone who could see that I'm--"

"--Not interested in having a new mum," Claire concluded on his behalf. "I know. And I don't have to be one, or want to be one, if that's not what you want me to be to you."

Hearing his concern acknowledged, Clive's gaze quickly softened. Encouraged by the sight, Claire continued thinking through her logic aloud.

"It wouldn't have to be permanent, either. If you realized later on that staying with me wasn't helping you, or if you grew old enough that you felt like you could find your own way in the world, I wouldn't force you to stay. I'd want to respect your wishes."

"What would you get out of this arrangement, then?" Clive asked, still somewhat hesitant to the idea, yet leaning closer in spite of himself to hang onto Claire's words. "If not a... you know."

"Well, you and I have been kind of weathering the aftermath of the accident together, don't you think?" Claire supposed.

Clive gave a halfway-nod. "Besides the staff, you've come to see me the most of anyone the past few weeks."

"And I've been visiting you because I needed to be sure you'd end up okay--that pulling you away from that fire wasn't in vain." Claire placed a gentle hand on the boy's shoulder. "I may not really understand what it's like to lose a parent, but I truly care about how much all of this has affected you, Clive, and... I know you've seen that it's affected me a lot, too. So maybe I understand enough for you. If you stayed with me, you wouldn't have to face people who weren't there for the accident, and who won't give you the space you need to heal."

"...If I stayed with you," Clive echoed, speculative as he met her eyes, "maybe we could keep looking for ways to get through this together."

Claire smiled sadly. "Yes. That's all I want here--to help you. No special labels, or authority, or personal gain involved."

Clive peered at her with head slightly tilted for a little longer, as though making a final judgement on the authenticity of her explanation. Then, quite plainly, he replied, "Okay."

"Okay?"

"I only have the one mum, Miss Layton. You'll have to be something else to me."

The professor nodded vehemently. "Oh, without a doubt."

"But... I think I would like to go live with you, after all," Clive finished. "I'll ask the nurse about it when she comes back here."

Claire could swear a new light had appeared in Clive's dark irises at the declaration, alongside the faintest ghost of a smile on his cheeks.

Or perhaps it was simply her own vision blurring, realizing this tragic young boy had suddenly come into her care long-term. It was terrifying and hopeful all at once, to be in charge of another's fate once again. But at least maybe this time, she could make a difference in his life for the better.

"I'm so glad to hear that, Clive," Claire finally mustered the presence of mind to say. "It's still going to be quite the adjustment, staying with me, but I hope you know that you can count on me, no matter what happens now."

--

In 10 years, he would feel his heart almost pounding out of his chest as a wound bled down his face; as temporal chaos rampaged on the smoke-filled horizon; as he watched Claire run to get back in the aircraft (alongside the disconcertingly familiar Theodore) to try and stop this devastation once and for all.

And even despite the pain he was in now, and the danger posed to his city and the people he cared about, and the lingering knowledge that even if they somehow made it out of this mystery alive, there was still an acceptance letter to Princeton University in his bedroom desk waiting to tear him an ocean's width apart... it was this promise he would find replaying itself in his mind.

"You can count on me, no matter what happens now," she had said.

And so he would take a deep breath, even now, and feel those worries begin to slip from his mind.

'I know I can, Professor,' Clive would think to himself in response. 'You know I always do.'

[underratedandoverit]

Maybe One Day You'll Become That Star (2/5)

Kip has never wanted anything more in his life than to study magic and become a real wizard, no matter what it takes, no matter the hurdles he has to overcome to achieve that dream. So when a chance to study under one of the most prestige wizards in the country rises, he's more than ready to jump on it. But could it be that there's something else he finds himself fascinated with, even more than the magic itself under the apprenticeship of this intriguingly odd wizard…?

Kip Sabian/Orange Cassidy (eventually). Slow romance. Modern with magic AU.

Chris Brookes is mentioned a few times. We'll be seeing Best Friends and Penelope (and probably actually Chris too) in the next chapter or two woo ~

On AO3 here

Hi sorry its been a hot second. Hopefully the next one doesnt take like a month and a half to finish lmao.

Just establishing the full setting for this story, talking more about Kip's background (which we'll see more in the next one, for both of them really) and what this whole thing means to him. I'm absolutely not projecting any recent personal life failures into this and his feelings lmao what are you talking about.

Also how can one say a chapter is about them having breakfast and then write almost 5,2k words with barely any breakfast having in them ajsndkjansd

@midnightpretenders0 @stormbornpirate @unlikelywrestlingfan

----------------------

He hated this. He truly, truly hated this.

His hands fidgeting, Kip stared at the all too familiar door in front of him. He was here, back again, for another day, this time very unwillingly and with even lower expectations than yesterday. Honestly if Kip could have just skipped out on this entirely, he would have. He had no will or want to talk with Cassidy again after yesterday, after how he had acted, how things had gone down. After the fool Kip had made out of himself right there in front of him.

And yet he was forced to come back, just to humiliate himself some more.

At least this time Kip kind of knew what to expect. He knew who to expect, specifically. Not that it made him any less nervous or anxious about being here, but at least it was something. Or so he hoped.

Kip’s hand hovered over the doorbell, hesitant to actually press it down to alert someone about his existence. Unlike yesterday, he had actually read the signs on the door, making sure he was aware of the opening hours of the store, being aware of the fact that he was here way before anything was supposed to be open. In his stressful state yesterday he had entirely ignored the signs to the point where he honestly hadn’t even understood that the ground level of the building was a store, Kip had just mistaken it all for the residence of the wizard, when in fact it seemed to be that it might have just been both.

He was here so early he wasn’t even sure if anyone was awake yet. Would he be disturbing Cassidy if he announced his desire to visit via the doorbell already, or should Kip wait until the store was actually open, and try to handle his business with potentially being disturbed again by other customers and making even more of a fool of himself?

Kip’s fingertip circled around the doorbell, the man biting his lip as he tried to gather the courage to push it down. The worst would be if nobody answered, just like he thought yesterday, and he would just have to come back later. In the best case scenario Cassidy knew what he was here for and the whole ordeal would be over even before it began, which would be what Kip wanted. He just wanted this over with, to get on the first possible train back home and forget all of this ever happened. He was tired, disappointed mostly in himself, ready to give this up and never try something stupid like this that Chris suggested ever again. Kip should have known that since getting into the school he dreamed of didn’t happen, there was no way this was going to work out in his favor either.

And yet.

Brows furrowing, Kip pressed the little button down, hearing a soft buzz coming from it. He held it down for a moment before letting go, stopping to observe if he had created any kind of commotion inside. Despite the street around him being very quiet still in such early morning hours, it was very hard for Kip to hear anything going on inside. Maybe the walls and windows were reinforced, possibly even with magic, due to the man living here, or he was just too anxious to fully focus with all of his senses to figure out what was going on inside.

The more time passed as Kip stood there waiting, the more excuses he was making for why he wasn’t being let inside. Maybe Cassidy was just so fast asleep that he didn’t hear the bell. Maybe the great wizard was so hard at work that he couldn’t come to the door right away. Maybe the bell was broken and there was no sound inside the house at all. Maybe there was just nobody inside at all. It couldn’t be because it was still so early and he wasn’t taking visitors, or that he knew it was Kip and Cassidy had just decided to let him wait to teach him a lesson.

No, couldn’t be any of that. Absolutely not.

Kip knew he couldn’t leave without handling his business here one more time, so all he could do was wait. What seemed like minutes passed him by extremely agonizingly, so slowly it felt almost like he was stuck in a dreamlike state, with no escape other than just waiting it all out. Kip wasn’t sure at all how much time had passed by when he finally, actually much to his surprise, heard the door lock click open, shortly afterwards the door opening ever so slightly, a familiar face peeking at him through the small crack.

“Um, hi --”

“Oh. It’s you.” Kip wasn’t able to deduct from his voice if Cassidy was disappointed or surprised to see him, but the emotions definitely felt to him like they were from somewhere in either of those two categories. “Hang on.”

The door closed again before Kip could respond, hearing some rustling through the door. A door that Kip assumed was held shut tight with magic seemed to just be closed with locks any common man could bust down with enough determination, much to his surprise. Kip didn’t think much of it though as soon enough the door opened for him again, the familiar blond in the doorway now motioning him inside. Almost as if he had anticipated Kip to arrive sooner or later. Not wanting to leave him waiting, Kip stepped inside, hearing Cassidy to proceed to close and lock the front door to the store again behind him.

Even if he wanted to leave now, there was no way he could without making it into a ridiculous hassle. Great.

“Sorry, I-I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

The blond just shrugged, walking past Kip as he headed towards the back of the store. Cassidy looked tired, the plain t-shirt and sweatpants clearly telling that he had just gotten out of bed, and Kip didn’t blame him. It was very early hours, the man was probably busy to the very late hours of the night having to handle the store and whatever else wizard business there was for him to do afterwards. And here Kip was, making him get up way too early just to deal with his nonsense, as he just couldn’t wait just a little bit longer to handle his business during open hours instead.

“It’s fine. I needed an early start for the day anyway,” Cassidy muttered, running a hand through his clearly messy bedhead, eyes scanning the desk as he kept looking for something. Kip carefully walked closer, knowing the exact spot where he had left the notebook that he had come back to look for. He could feel a slight panic rising in him though as that corner of the desk was now empty, his belongings having clearly been moved elsewhere without his approval.

“I might have taken it upstairs…” Kip looked up at Cassidy, the man clearly looking for the same item as he did. He was now definitely panicking inside, knowing that not only his property had been touched and moved around, but that it was more or less lost and had also been in the hands of the wizard standing in front of him. Cassidy looked over the table once more, shrugging a little before his eyes lifted up to Kip, the man trying to keep himself together to the best of his ability at least from the outside.

“Would you like breakfast? I was about to make some anyway.”

Breakfast? At a time like this? Kip wanted to just get this over with, he just wanted what was his and to be on his way. Honestly, breakfast was the last thing in his mind right now.

But before he could reply anything back, the clear, rather loud rumbling of Kip’s stomach made it very clear that he had skipped breakfast to be here as soon as possible. He admittedly hadn’t eaten much last night either, being too stressed out and anxious about missing his precious notebook and how this whole thing had gone down to focus on eating, let alone sleeping much, so now that Kip stopped to even think about food for a split second, it was very obvious that he was actually really hungry.

“I’m gonna take that as a yes.”

Kip just looked away from him, pretending to be scanning the shelves on the side of the table instead, it being almost painfully obvious to both of them what he was actually doing. “You can keep searching if you want. I’ll let you know when everything's ready.”

Kip just nodded his head a little, from the corner of his eye seeing Cassidy spin around on his heels, heading towards the door leading to the backroom. As soon as he passed through it, Kip allowed his eyes to fall back to the table, not having to hide the embarrassed blush on his face anymore. As if things weren’t bad enough already, now he had to deal with all of this. His precious belongings misplaced, him making a fool out of himself over an offering of food…

The thought only now slowly creeping back into his mind now that he was alone.

Orange Cassidy was offering him breakfast.

This wasn’t how Kip had envisioned any of this going. No, he was just supposed to come in, take what was his, and be on his way out again. He was literally supposed to be on the train home right now, not standing in this shop again at an hour like this, waiting to be called up for breakfast. This was quite opposite of what he came here to do, but unfortunately for Kip, he felt completely powerless to do anything about it. He couldn’t leave without the notebook, and since Cassidy obviously wasn’t willing to help him to look for it, this was all he could do.

Wait, accept the invitation for breakfast, and hope he didn’t throw up out of the nervousness of the whole stupid situation he had put himself into.

Kip’s gaze slowly focused back on the table, looking it over once more. Maybe the notebook was still somewhere in here and he could find it and just let himself out without a hassle. With slightly shaky hands he pushed some items around, lifting a few papers, hoping to catch a glimpse of the familiar leather covers that belonged to him.

If it wasn’t so important to him, Kip wouldn’t have been back here, he had to try to remind himself of that. As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t just walk away from this and pretend like nothing had happened. At least not before he got back what was his.

It took him a moment to realize someone was calling his name. His head snapped up, eyes widening a little as he recognized Cassidy’s voice coming from somewhere past through the open doorway leading to the backroom, the same way he had disappeared earlier. Kip abandoned observing the desk, quickly rounding it before approaching the door, almost frightfully peeking inside, not really being sure what he was expecting to see on the other side. Much to his surprise it just seemed to be like a normal storage room, only with a set of stairs on the other end of it leading up to the second floor.

“Kip?”

He could hear the voice clearer now, noting that it definitely belonged to Cassidy. Kip cleared his throat quietly before croaking out an answer.

“Ye-yeah?”

“Do you want coffee?”

Kip carefully proceeded into the storage room, approaching the stairs. “Uh, yeah, sure?”

Cassidy didn’t reply anything back to him, but Kip could hear faint footsteps coming from the top of the stairs, walking away. As he got to the bottom of the stairs and peeked up, there was nobody there anymore, signaling that Cassidy had probably returned back into the kitchen. Taking in a deep breath Kip pushed himself on the move, carefully climbing up the stairs to the second floor, eventually ending in what seemed like an entrance to a living room.

He was honestly a bit taken aback how normal everything looked compared to the store downstairs and the occupation of a man that resided here. Just a couple of half empty bookshelves, barely alive plants on the side table, couch and a few armchairs for some rare guests by the looks of them and how untouched they looked. To Kip’s eyes this place looked like it was barely lived in, which probably shouldn’t have surprised him as much as it did – this was still a world class wizard he was thinking here, a man that surely had his hands so busy all the time that he didn’t have much time to just lounge around in his apartment doing nothing, despite what his odd and rather off putting looks were telling to Kip at least.

Kip’s thoughts were derailed as the sounds coming through the second open doorway nearby caught his attention, his eyes shooting towards it. As he was pretty sure there was only one person apart from him occupying this floor at the moment, he figured it must have been the kitchen, knowing Cassidy had gotten up here to make breakfast. Kip walked to the doorway and peeked inside, confirming his suspicions as he easily recognized the room in question indeed to be the kitchen, watching Cassidy fidgeting with the toaster with the coffee brewing in the coffee maker next to him.

Looking around the room from the doorway, Kip’s eyes widened a little as he noticed the familiar leather cover bound notebook sitting on the small round kitchen table in the corner of the room.

“Do you want eggs?” Kip barely heard Cassidy’s question as he stepped inside the kitchen, eyes fixated on his prized belongings sitting at arms reach away from him finally. Almost stumbling on his own feet Kip hurried to the table, Cassidy glancing over his shoulder towards him as he didn’t get a reply, a small smile gracing his lips as he watched Kip pick the notebook into his hands, looking at it with a victorious smile on his entire face. Kip quickly flipped through the pages, letting out a relieved sigh as everything seemed to still be intact, tightly pressing the notebook against his chest as for the first time this morning he could feel some sort of peace taking him over.

“Kip? Eggs?”

He finally snapped into the real world again, eyes shooting towards Cassidy as the blond raised a questioning brow at him. Kip just barely nodded, realizing he was standing in his kitchen still being offered breakfast. He had prepared himself for it, but also he just wanted to be out as soon as he got his hands on the notebook again, so now Kip was stuck between having to decide what to do about all of it. Cassidy nodded back at him, but clearly noticed the thought process running through Kip’s distressed mind, offering him a quick smile.

“I’m not forcing you to stay. You can leave if you want.” Kip just stared back at him, trying to push the idea of how Cassidy seemed to be almost able to read his thoughts out of his mind. “The breakfast offer still stands though. I wouldn’t want you to be on the road while you’re so hungry, but it’s up to you.”

Cassidy turned back towards the counter without waiting for a response from Kip, leaving the other man just looking at him for a moment, before glancing between the notebook in his arms and the back of Cassidy. This was what he wanted, and Kip was more than ready to leave and not be part of his life anymore, but at the same time, the breakfast offer was tempting. If for nothing else, he really was hungry…

And this would be a really good moment for him to possibly probe the wizard’s brain a little over a cup of coffee.

Kip turned towards the table, carefully pulling a chair for himself. He felt slightly awkward trying to make himself home like this, even after being told he could just stay and eat. Sitting down, he lowered the notebook on the table, flipping it open as he started to scan the pages of notes he had written down in it, trying to find something he could bring up with Cassidy.

His attention was quickly captured by something else though as Kip saw something move from the corner of his eye, glancing towards it and stopping to stare as he watched with widening eyes as two coffee cups floated from the drying rack, carefully landing on the counter next to Cassidy. Kip watched the blond glance towards the sink, with a lazy flick of his wrist towards it snapping the faucet open, making Kip jump a little.

He just stared, mesmerized, as Cassidy controlled and commanded his entire kitchen from a single spot entirely silently, with just looking at what he wanted and simple movements of his hands. Few more dishes from the cabinets and drying rack set themselves up on the counter next to him, waiting for breakfast items to take them over. With ease he filled glasses with orange juice, opening and closing the fridge door, all of that and more without ever taking a single step inside the kitchen until he was ready to actually serve the breakfast to the table for them both.

With two plates in hand, Cassidy turned around, walking up to the table, placing one of the plates in front of Kip and the other across the table from him, taking a seat on the chair over there. Kip was still looking at him with such curiosity filled wide eyes as Cassidy continued with a couple more lazy wrist flicks, basically ordering the coffee and juice he prepared earlier to float to the table as well.

Kip jumped a little as the first cup passed him by as it approached from behind, Cassidy barely faltering at the sight, only a small smile tucking the corner of his lips for a split second, not long enough for Kip to even notice it. As the cups and glasses landed on the table, shortly afterwards they were followed by forks for each of them, Cassidy finally settled mofe comfortably on his seat, eyes landing on Kip across the table.

Kip carefully reached for the fork that had landed on the table next to his plate, almost too afraid to touch it, giving it a small poke as if to make sure it wasn’t going to float away. He finally took it in his hand after making sure it was a real fork, next very carefully poking the scrambled eggs on his plate, before shooting a look finally towards Cassidy.

“All of this is so… Incredible!”

Cassidy chuckled at him quietly, his hand reaching for the coffee cup sitting on the table in front of him, Cassidy taking a small sip from it.

“I’ve never seen something like this! You don’t even use a wand or anything to cast your spells with, everything just… Works here!”

Cassidy took another sip of his coffee before sending Kip a smile.

“I can let you in on a little secret.” Kip’s eyes lit up as his whole being perked up, the man leaning over the table a little, clearly more interested in what Cassidy had to say than the breakfast he was offered despite being very hungry. “Everything in this room is enchanted. All the furniture, the dishes, whatever food items I bring in, I enchant them all to be controlled with just…”

He trailed off, not being entirely sure how to explain it all. By how it looked like to Kip, this was one of the few times he actually had to explain how all of this worked to someone else. Instead Cassidy opted to just look across the room at the fridge, with a quick flick of the wrist opening the door of it and bringing out a little carton of milk. Kip watched in clear awe as this happened, the carton floating to the table and being set down between the two of them on it, before Cassidy flicked his wrist again, closing the fridge door.

“You know.”

Kip nodded his head slightly, eyes fixated on the milk carton on the table before slowly drifting back up to Cassidy’s face, watching the tired but content smile on his lips as he continued to sip on his coffee. Kip hated to admit it that while he had been aware of the kind of fame Orange Cassidy’s name held on it, he actually had no idea what kind of magic he was able to do and how he made it work. Even now he was still kind of unsure, and his way of commanding his kitchen wasn't really giving Kip much to go on with guessing either. Most of the information he could have used beforehand wasn’t available to him, or it was extremely vague when he got it in his hands.

Especially when most of that came from Chris and the information he had was mostly through hearsay, which was more or less extremely unreliable. Honestly, Kip was surprised what he got from Chris had led him this far in the last two days.

“If you have any questions, just ask away.” Cassidy’s voice snapped him back into reality, Kip blinking at him a few times, only now realizing that the past few moments he had just been directly staring at the blond. Quickly averting his eyes a soft blush flashed on his cheeks, Kip hoping that him suddenly remembering that he was still holding a fork filled with scrambled eggs was enough to hide it from Cassidy as he was suddenly very interested in the contents of the plate in front of him again.

Of course he had questions, very many of them honestly. And it was probably very obvious to Cassidy as well, considering that he allowed Kip this time at the breakfast table to ask them.

“Or not. Whatever you want. I’m not holding you here against your will or force you to talk. We can eat in silence too if you want.”

Shoving a forkful of eggs into his mouth, Kip’s eyes glanced at the open notebook sitting next to the plate on the table. He had had the idea to ask Cassidy a couple of things before he got distracted with the magical aspects of the kitchen being on display, but all of a sudden being put on the spot about it like this, Kip was in complete loss of words, every single question ever leaving his mind, leaving it just completely blank.

Cassidy clearly took this as a sign that Kip just wanted to have breakfast in silence as he shrugged, digging into his food while Kip just kept silently staring at the open pages of the notebook, slowly chewing on his eggs. He wasn’t sure if they tasted really good because he was so hungry, or because there was magic involved in making them, but it surely was some of the best food he’d had in a while, the thought further distracting him from the task at hand.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Cassidy’s voice broke the silence after a while, making Kip curiously glance up at him again. “I took a look through your book last night. I was trying to find out if it had any of your info on it so I could return it in case you didn't come back for it and I might have… Flipped through a few pages in the process.”

His words slowly registered with Kip, his eyes widening as he realized why it finally made sense that Cassidy seemed to know his name despite Kip never officially introducing himself to the great wizard. The next thing that popped into his head was the realization that Cassidy had seen some of his notes, some of his studies, the practice attempts that he had written down for himself to come back to later. There was a reason this whole notebook was so important to him that Kip had come back for it after the huge embarrassment the day before; it held his entire life with attempting magic between its covers.

“You’re not trained, are you?”

Kip slowly shook his head, averting eyes with Cassidy again, this time more out of shame than anything else. It was probably obvious to him since the very first meeting of the two yesterday, with Kip’s cluelessness and ignorance of everything around him being most likely a dead giveaway. Of course someone of Cassidy’s standard would see that from him straight away, and even if the question wasn’t presented to him in a mocking manner, Kip was sure had been chuckling to himself last night, flipping through his precious little notebook, just finding him trying his best with what he was given and what he really wanted extremely amusing on top of it all. Asking himself what this hopeful but stupid little boy was even thinking, trying to make his way into the world of magic like this.

“No, I…” Kip stared at his plate, pondering over his words. He had originally come here, to Cassidy, for a reason. They didn’t let him into the prestigious school he really wanted, citing that he wasn’t ready, that he wasn’t capable of doing what they demanded of him, that they couldn't teach him, that he wasn't ready for all of it. All Kip had tried to do by himself was some level of a failure, never resulting in anything bigger than a couple of parlor tricks that not even really Chris appreciated that much. Everything he had detailed down in the notebook was important, but even more so it was about his failures and him trying to learn from them. “I’m… I’m not.”

Cassidy hummed quietly at his response, focusing his attention to his coffee again to give Kip some breathing room as his eyes left the Brit for a moment. Kip audibly inhaled, his fingertips drawing along the letters he had handwritten on the page he had open, carefully rereading the words he had written for himself when he had been preparing for the entrance exams that turned out to just be another failure for him.

“But I… I’d like to be.”

Cassidy nodded, twirling his cup in his hand, watching the dark liquid in it swoosh against the inner sides of the cup as he did so. Kip’s eyes traveled further down the open page, his hand stopping following the writing on it as it slowly disappeared under a messy black scribble, brushed over the rest of the text in a clear showcase of frustration. And if that wasn’t enough to drive home the point of how he had felt at the time of getting the news, surely the big bold ‘NO’ on the next page with nothing else written on it was saying all that it needed to say. 

“You probably figured it out already,” Kip muttered, honestly a little bit embarrassed that he was bringing up the obvious at this point, “But I’m here to… To ask…”

“For an apprenticeship, right?”

Kip nodded, glancing towards the blond from under his brows, spotting Cassidy mirroring the gesture back at him. “Yeah, I kinda figured.”

Silence fell back into the kitchen, Kip’s hand slowly closing the notebook before resting on top of it. Cassidy observed him for a moment before carefully nodding towards his plate. “Please, eat something. Before it’s all cold.”

Kip glanced between the notebook and the plate in front of him a few times. Truth to be told he wasn’t really that hungry anymore, all this talking had definitely put him into more of an anxious mood again, effectively ruining what had been his appetite mere minutes before. Still, he obliged, picking up the fork as Kip continued to poke his eggs, one hand reaching for the toast set on the plate next to it.

“Can I be honest with you?” Kip nodded, though he was sure Cassidy was going to keep on going with that thought no matter what he would have answered. “These schools… They are pretty much only there for the value of their names. Sure they teach well and a lot of high class witches and wizards graduate out of there, but… I’m not a graduate, for example.”

Cassidy shrugged as Kip once again looked up at him, the blond offered him a little smile. “And yet you are here. Asking for help. Instead of going anywhere else, to anyone else. You found your way to my doorstep.”

Maybe Chris had made a mistake. Maybe Cassidy wasn’t the big highly regarded wizard that he had been made out to be, maybe he was just some lowlife lazy bum handling a little magical shop downstairs whenever he felt like it. He sure did look the part, and it would be on par with the kind of people Chris was familiar with. Maybe this whole thing was just an elaborate ruse to make Kip look even more ridiculous than before.

But while these thoughts ran through his head, at the same time, there was just something about him that made Kip not believe those words, his own words. He might have looked unconventional and weird, he might have had a sassy sort of attitude you wouldn’t expect from a man of his status, he might have looked much younger than what Kip had anticipated…

But still something about Cassidy just screamed at Kip that he wasn’t lying about this one. That this truly was him, the great wizard Orange Cassidy, the greatest you could find from this side of the country.

“If you’re willing to learn, I’m willing to teach you.”

Kip’s head snapped up so fast he almost dropped the fork from his hand, wide eyes looking back at Cassidy across the table, the blond only offering him a smile as he sipped the remains of his coffee.

“Y-you are?”

“Of course. After all the trouble you’ve gone through to get here, why not? I could use another pair of hands around the house and the store.”

Kip carefully lowered the fork from his hand, trying to breath in to stop himself from shaking at the sudden turn of events. He looked up at Cassidy, taking in a deep breath.

“…Why? I’m just… A nobody.” Mentally Kip was beating himself over the fact that the self doubt was still crippling him like this, but at the same time he couldn’t help but to wonder if this was really it. It seemed so much easier in the end than he had imagined, almost laughably so. Cassidy just continued to smile.

“Every great wizard starts from somewhere. Rarely anyone is a master of their craft immediately. And I can see how much you want this.”

Kip could feel his cheeks getting hot again, but he just quietly nodded.

“Besides,” Cassidy chuckled a little as he lowered the coffee cup from his hands to the table, crossing them in front of him as he leaned a bit over the table, as if to try to drive his point home for Kip better. “I can sense something in you. It’s not strong yet, but it’s definitely there. Something… Magical.”

[missjanjie]

Need some advice from someone not invested in the situation,so don't mind the vent:

My mother is hell-bent on my returning to complete a degree programme that I was in when I was a teenager (17 or so). Here's the thing though. I was so unhappy doing this programme that I couldn't even go to class without getting anxious or wanting to throw up. Grades-wise, I was fine, I suppose(the pass mark for this particular degree was a B, so 60%). But I grew to hate the programme itself because my anxiety was through the roof.

So, my Registrar saw the state I was in and suggested that I take a break and do an unassociated(heh) Associate Degree till I got myself together mentally. As of currently, I'm the top student in that particular Associate Degree and having a great time(and my anxiety's practically non-existent).

Here's the issues though. My mother hates that I've "downgraded" myself by doing an Associate Degree and continues to insist that I was "tricked" into doing it by the Registrar(who was genuinely trying to help). So,to fix my supposed "mistake", I should immediately return to the original Bachelor's Degree I was doing and complete it (despite the visceral trauma it caused me) because "everyone else in your age group has Master's Degrees and PHDs and you have nothing to show" (I'm 22).

But the thing is, why not get a Bachelor's Degree in a different subject area? I'm not opposed to higher education at all,but she's so fixated on the original Bachelor's Degree (in STEM) that I was doing that she can't let it go. She brings it up every chance she gets. I could be drinking a glass of water and she'll find a way to bring it up. Going so far as to say that it's what God wants me to do(I'm sure God wouldn't want me actively having panic attacks while doing what He supposedly wants me to do, but I digress).

So,yeah. What do I do? Where do I even go from here? If I make suggestions about an alternate path,she'll either ignore me, talk over me or segway into talking about my original Bachelor's Degree programme and how I should be graduating right now.

(Sorry for the long rant. Kinda don't have anyone to get my feelings out to IRL.)

unless you live in a weird mensa cult I don’t think people your age have masters/phd’s. people my age don’t have phd’s and only those in specific fields (usually teaching or social work) have masters and im 28.

also i have a little anecdote that while may not provide answers, can offer some perspective. when i was in college i took a feminist studies course and in that class was a 72 year old woman. i initially assumed she was just auditing the class (ie taking it for fun) but she explained to me that she was finishing her degree. i asked her what made her decide then and she told me “sure, i couldve gone back ten years ago or even twenty years ago. but that wasn’t where my journey was taking me.” point being, your journey is yours alone

there isn’t really anything you can do about your mom if you still live with her or are otherwise financially dependent on her except stay the course until you’re able to get out on your own or something like that. im assuming you’re not american based on some spelling, so i don’t really know the university system there so i could be off base

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #39

I learned a very important phrase today. And it is "pathological projective identification". If mentions of the mechanics of psychological abuse is a trigger for you, you might want to avoid reading the rest of this.

Essentially, pathological projective identification is what happens when an abusive person has some aspect of themselves that they find intolerable to consciously perceive, so they instead pin it on someone who is in a position that is less able to fight back - for example, their child, their partner, their subordinate at work, or even a friend with poor boundary skills.

So practically, what it looks like is, some person who is selfish (but doesn't want to see themselves that way) accuses someone else of being selfish, and usually that other person is in some position where if they don't internalize the message, they'll either be abandoned (literally or psychologically) or further berated. So in the end, for the person being abused in this manner, it's, "accept the label the abusive person is putting on you, OR ELSE."

I've spent a lot of time trying to make sense of what happened to me and my siblings, growing up. In so doing, I've learned much about the mechanics of generational trauma and various forms of abuse, and how these things, when given to a child, end up impacting the resulting adult. But I never knew about this particular mechanic until today. How wonderful it is to still be able to learn things, even after having studied this subject for such a long time!

Here's a video that explains it all a lot better than I can:

I was utterly flabbergasted at how similar "Terry's" lived experiences, as described here, so closely mirrored my own, in some respects. I'm glad that I finally have a label for the result of this sort of thing - a reason why, on a bad day, sometimes I get worried that I've been "the problem" in my family this whole time. Sometimes this worry gets so bad that I think that I am making life worse for the people in my immediate vicinity. Sometimes the worry that I am making life worse for the people around me gets so bad that I think that the good thing to do might be to permanently exit my meat-mech prematurely (don't worry; I have coping skills in place to help me when I get like this, so I'm not at risk or anything - it's all good).

But now I have a label for this thing. It has a name. It is a phenomenon that is well-known enough that there is specific language used to describe it, coined by people who have been studying this stuff for far longer than I have. There is a reason for the Bad Mental Health Days that I sometimes get, in which I relentlessly berate myself in the very same ways that my past adult overlords used to, and why I sometimes still believe all of the things about me that they used to say.

Having language to describe this phenomenon means that I am not broken. It means that I am not alone. And it means that it is a solvable problem that can be worked on until it's no longer an issue, instead of some vaguely-defined flaw in my personality that will be with me forever and ever. It's not, "I am just an anxious, ruminating, weak-willed person by nature." It is, "something happened to me that is known to psychologically injure people, and injuries can be recovered from."

And isn't that liberating!! Wow!!

I'm not sure if it's this way for other people, but for me, having the hows and the whys and the mechanics of a thing laid out makes me better able to understand it, make room for it, and in the end, do something about it. I think this is part of the reason for having labels for things - it's not supposed to be for the purpose of condemning people; it's supposed to help people understand that their lived experiences are part of the human condition, instead of some anomalous thing that makes them fundamentally unlovable or something.

Hey, Sephiroth? Have you spent any time thinking about your own lived experiences? Your childhood? The ways you were treated, and how that impacted the way you view the world and others in it? Have you stopped to look around long enough so that you can start to think about the fact that your circumstances aren't really all that unique? During your time at the Edge of Creation, did you look around at other people's stories so that you can see that there have been other child soldiers, other experimental supersoldiers, other people who have been used, abused, and exploited in the same ways you have? Have you stopped to look around long enough to see that you really, really aren't alone? That you, like all those other people, can have a place in the world? That you can work on your things, find peace, build a version of "normal", and learn to enjoy things?

If you have spent time thinking about these things… tell me, what have you learned? I know that you can't tell me, but I'm gonna ask anyway because you're worth considering and understanding, regardless.

And if you have not spent time thinking about these things, when will you? Though I'm sure you have a lot on your plate right now, I'm also fairly sure that you have sufficient time on your hands to consider the impact of how you were treated as a boy and how it shaped you. I imagine you have sufficient time on your hands to start to believe that the "normal life" you wanted is within reach, and to consider how to shape yourself in service to that dream.

In the meantime, with this new knowledge that I gained today, I'll be over here, doing my best to shape myself into someone who is not vicious with myself. After all, when I get like that, the people who love me get very sad (which is natural and expected), and I don't want to be one more reason for them to be sad - we're already living in late-stage capitalism, plagued with wars and prejudice just about everywhere, on a planet that is dying due to climate change (it got up to almost 50F today in some parts of where I live; it's supposed to be 32F or below this time of year…); they have more than enough reasons to be sad as it is, doncha think? If we want there to be fewer reasons to be sad, if we want the world to change... we have to look at ourselves first. There is a musician in our world who is no longer with us; he said it far better than I ever could:

May any of what I've written and shown you give you some kind of food for thought. Who do you see when you look in the mirror? I hope that the image you see is just as beautiful to you as what I see when I look at your soul.

Please stay safe; don't disappear and give us more reasons to be sad. You're loved, you're needed, you're cared for, and you're worth your own effort. If you haven't been acting like you're worth more than simply what you can do… please start acting like it. As much as I and others who love you might like to zoop over there and do it for you, it's not within our power to do. So you gotta do it instead. Okay?

I'll write to you some more later.

Your friend, Lumine

[firebird-nonnette]

Personal thoughts (ignore meee)

(Incredibly long post to put my thoughts because i dont wanna write in my physical journal right now but ill lose this if i dont put it on my tumblr, which i treat as a sort of visual journal)

Been thinking about death and how to soothe my death anxiety.

I got very sick with covid and I'm still fighting it a month later. Now I have a few early signs of pneumonia, which is one of the real dangers of covid.

After 4 weeks of being very ill with something like covid and with pneumonia looming, the worst case scenario keeps revolving in my mind. It's been tickling my death anxiety and i want to try and sort it out a bit.

Im doing what I can to rest, but who knows how this'll pan out. My boyfriend caught it at the same time and got over it in 10 days or so and he's head empty no thoughts about the fact that we finally (after 4 years of never catching it) caught the thing that stopped the world and killed millions.

So, I've been thinking about death. A little anxiously. A little calmly. Mostly with a nervous puzzle-solving confusion. I want to stop being afraid of illness and death. I have hypochondria and death anxiety. Had them since about a year after my mom died of a sudden illness. They got worse in 2020, like they did with most others afflicted. I've been able to have some months here and there where my anxieties were less. They're usually characterized by less screen time, more journaling, more time spent looking out windows, more time spent reading Stoic philosophy and Compassionate Mind Therapy works, and a little investigation into Near Death Experience studies that overwhelmingly report pleasant and positive experiences of the afterlife. I also spend some time with my spirituality, but I'm a very specific type of spiritual agnostic and since my mother died there's no one in my life who believes exactly what I believe (though my bf believes about 90% of the same stuff). The good times are when I'm in more or less good health and set aside time for gratitude and slowness and lots of gentle thinking and puzzling about life and death. The best times are when I'm very grateful, very mindful, and invest in enjoying the beauty of incredibly mundane things I'm usually too anxious or desenstized to notice: the feeling of my decade-old comforter when I lay on it, how sunlight hits the curtains in the computer room, how the green tea I've been drinking for 13 years tastes, how the trees and bushes cast little shadows, how the wind smells, etc etc. These are things that are almost always accessible in everyday life, but I rarely take time with them. But, when I do, -when i honestly and completely let myself enjoy them with love and gratitude for life and the world around me- I feel the most connected to "life". It's pure joy.

I have a very hard time accessing these feelings when I'm sick or in pain. Instead, I ruminate on my anxieties or distract myself with screentime.

But, back to death:

I hate the idea of dying confused and scared. The same way I hate feeling anxious and scared when I'm sick. I want to be calm and accepting. I want to feel joy and gratitude. I'm not sure how to articulate why this is important to me, but I absolutely hate the idea of getting sick, feeling awful, feeling scared and anxious, and then dying in fear and anxiety. It is very, very, very important to me to meet (or survived brushes with) death with a calm, clear, and grateful mind.

So I've been using this sickness as an opportunity to try and work on that because, honestly, my first reaction is more anxiety than calmness.

I was considering how I might try to accept my death if it were anytime soon - either from this covid pneumonia or from something else. (Because any of us could die from almost anything any day.) This is also because my aunt, who I only got to meet once, is also in hospice right now and I can't travel to see her one last time. She's all that's left of my mom. When I met her a few years ago, I saw so much of my mom in her. Mannerisms and tones and jokes I hadn't seen or heard in 8 years were still alive in her. The sound of her voice over the phone sounds so incredibly like my mother's (of whom I only have 1 or 2 home video recordings from the 90s because she was notoriously scornful of being recorded or photographed) that I cried after our conversation ended. My aunt is 81, if she passes, she will have lived 20 more years than my mom. She came down with this illness right around my mom's 10th death anniversary. She has had a long life behind her. My mom died at 61. A bit young, but she still had a very eventful life full of stories, trials, and blessings.

When it comes to death, I'm not frightened of what's on the other side. I believe death is just as natural and neutral as birth. I believe in all the reports and studies and stories about a benevolent and beautiful "other side", just as my mom had described it when she had her own near death experience 5 years before she passed. She gave me an amazing childhood and adolescence full of wonder and wisdom and death positivity. She loved discussing mortality and spirituality and the science around death. She had equipped me, very well, to know how to mourn her. Of course, without her, I lost touch with that straightforward death positivity and became more and more anxious. But I'm trying to get back to that calm, steady acceptance I once had.

While I'm scared of dying painfully, I'm not too worried. Morphine and other interventions can help and pain is temporary and, I'm sure, forgotten when you cross.

I mostly have a certain stage fright of death. Despite my beliefs about the other side, I'd still be scared, like a novice actor backstage, of being pushed beyond the curtain to see what's on the other side and succumb to whatever it is that happens on the other side. I do take comfort knowing that every human who has ever lived, including my mother, has died and if they can do it, so can I.

One other common fear of death is the worry of leaving others behind. I'm not worried. Ethan would figure life out, eventually. He'd carry on. I've told him, in our occasional talks about death, that he should move on as soon as is right for him. I'm not worried about my friends, they'll be fine, too. I don't have kids, which is the major fear people have about dying "early", so that's fine. My sister would probably grieve a little while (she estranged herself from us, but has been trying to get back in touch a little), but she'd move on, too. Dad would be the person I'd worry about the most, but he has Debbie to take care of him and he'd also move on, eventually, though he would have the worst time of it. He's very death anxious. But, all in all, everyone would be fine. So, I'm not scared of leaving anyone behind.

If I were to die soon, I realized that I'd regret not having the chance to do more.

I'm notorious for being hyperproductive and burning myself out. But I actually feel I'd regret working so hard lol. My company doesn't need ALL of me. I wanna take more time for myself.

I don't mean I'd regret not being more productive. I'd regret not creating more. Not making more of an impact. Helping people, connecting with people.

I've already done some of that, but I want to do more before I go. I'd like to have some kind of accomplishment that's just for me for the impact I've had on others and the world. Volunteering or helping organizations or content creators I admire like Stoicism or Compassionate Mind Theory science communicators or maybe writing the books i wanna write so I can at least give people a fun little time with some stories.

Maybe it would be raising a child someday (probably adopting), though I'm on the fence about this.

But, what really gets me, is I don't know WHAT is missing. I just have a general sense of wanting to do more and consume less. I want to spend a little less time on my phone or rewatching movies and spend that time on something meaningful.

Usually, when people are close to death they regret not making more friends but I feel pretty okay. I'd meet people doing whatever the meaningful thing is I wanna do.

What bothers me is there's no way I'd be able to do a super meaningful or impactful thing between now and when this pneumonia would escalate. Soooooo I also wanna find peace that if I were to die before I could do something more, I want to accept that I did what I was able to up to this point and just be okay with that.

Because, honestly, we are all deeply impactful presences in the world even if we don't do a lot.

My writing for media psychology has had an impact on many people. I've gotten lots of comments from people saying my writing has helped them or inspired them, changed their lives. I think that's probably good enough. Maybe instead of saying I'd "regret" not doing more, the better way to think of it is "if I could live a little longer, I'd love to do more".

Anyways, I'm tired now and rest is important. I had to get these thoughts out linearly. Time for bed. Will try to spend time grateful and joyful tomorrow. This pneumonia will statistically probably get better on its own, but its been a good obstacle and lesson to learn about myself. But, just on the off-chance Im headed for serious illness or even death, I'm gonna try and enjoy everything I can for now.

[franstastic-ideas]

Mei, I am definitely looking at the Nimbasa Ferris Wheel event with the X-transceiver like I’m on The Office. Starry-eyed has an extra layer of cuteness knowing she wears space-buns. Nagisa could be a reference to something other than the water relation, but again, the kind of softness that matches.

The little gremlin! I like the fact spirit can have a double meaning as a “sprite” not so much in modern english, but more in word origin. And I see it mostly attributed to children. Nox is def related to night, the moon, ghost-type, honestly the mythology writes itself. You literally have an owl archer. And something in my brain ticks it as a good choice you went with Nox over Nyx or any other feminine-esque name despite also referring to a goddess for some reason, intentional?

Akari, The Skyfallen Luminary, and the one I could suspect to be your favorite bc it’s all kinds of pretty and fun. Honestly gorgeous all around. It’s not easy coming up with three word titles that captures everything you want in a way that feels alive or cool, but you’ve done it for sure. And Seraphina? I’m giggling even more I don’t need to google that to know the religious symbolism here, and with fire. Oh, PLA and Volo. You’ve started a whole thing here aesthetically. I’m bouncing off the walls from it tho, the research that goes into this is my jam, bread and butter.

Juliana (The Straight A's Scholar) GIRL PLS I’m bout to cry, I am not gonna get anxious over a Pokegirl y’all don’t KNOW what real college is like for hard science majors in your cozy Pokémon World (just got out of an exam) but FINE go be a scholar like in the old days. PHDs ain’t no walk in the park either irl. But alas, yeah, that’s Paldea for you, I GUESS I have to say congratulations. She’s a good girl, and bonus points for the culturally fitting nicknames.

This is not something I know how to express, but I read each name like it’s a title card of a movie flashing across the screen with a dramatic and lit up sequence with all the girls and little made-up animations and whatever else I picture that goes along with the backgrounds of the names and I go “hm yeah” *nods* that be them. So kudos all around!

Mei seems to be under the impression that she's in a shoujo rather than an adventure game. She sets off from Aspertia City with the hope that her journey will be filled with romance, that she will finally find her true love, her prince...

As much of a sentimentalist as she is though, do keep in mind that Mei still defeats Ghetsis at his worst.

I consistently refer to Mizuki as a 'horrid little creature', even though she's actually one of the taller girls. She moved to Alola from Kanto and originates from Lavender Town, so she has a camaraderie with Ghost-types.

You know that girl who asks Red or Leaf if they believe in ghosts and if told 'No', she replies, "That white hand on your shoulder... I'm just imagining it." That's Mizuki.

Akari's title is indeed one I hold in high favor, because of the multiple meanings behind it. Skyfallen of course pertains to her falling from the space-time rift, and a luminary is someone who inspires or influences others, referencing how Akari brings about change in Hisui.

But luminary can also mean 'angel'. When you pair that definition with her status as The Skyfallen, it paints the image of a guardian angel descending upon the region. Which is certainly what Volo sees her as.

Juliana, she's essentially the perfect student. She shows up to class on time, she loves every second of it, and she's entirely devoted to her studies. So much so, the grand majority of her Pokémon's names begin with the letter 'A'.

She has to do the intellectual heavy lifting between her and Arven. Juliana would be more than happy to tutor him, though.

[oat-malk]

d&d character who is an alchemical research candidate whose money and research equipment were stolen/destroyed, and with no way to apply for further funding to replace the items, they turn to adventuring as a side hustle so that they can afford to finish their stem degree

they stand at the sidelines while their teammates loot a dragon cadaver and say "please can you guys hurry up i'm getting anxious i won't have enough time to study tonight and we've already done enough to get paid and there's nothing valuable here anyway and i need a nap" and then seeing a component they need for their next experiment and doing a 180 and snatching it up all possessive not letting the other teammates touch it.

BEGRUDGINGLY allowing their precious equipment to be used in a life or death situation, like when their cleric needs something to brew a healing potion with. showing trust in others by using their expertise as a resource.

a dark moment when a piece of information is revealed that entirely dismantles the thesis that they have been working on for years, and the option either to lie and omit the discovery in their publication, or to scrap the idea and continue to research it even if it means sacrificing their qualification.

i lov the idea of this character...there's so many ways they can develop. they remind me a bit of chilchuck with the energy that they've got other shit to do and would rather be anywhere else but also they're not built to be the stoic emotionless facade they're playing and Will get attached to their teammates and start caring about the quest.