#due to my own personal experiences
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just saw some people talk about a fictional character's morality. -10000000 hp
#i know its a justified discussion but holy shitttttt it upsets something deep inside of me#is this what being triggered is because i sure am triggered into a worse state#every time i see someone use the word “codependent” for a fictional relationship btwn two characters#esp if one of them is a pov character...#i take soooooo much psychic damage#i think i may have a problem#<- relates/sees the story from the pov of the perspective character and feels critique of their ways as almost a personal attact#but mostly when it comes to specific esp interpersonal things#due to my own personal experiences
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Let the poor man rest.
#also no he doesn't want to experience life as a normal person. no he wouldn't sacrifice his powers to live again.#he LOVED being powerful. he was very proud of his powers. he was at the top of the world. what he disliked was being so lonely at the top.#which having reunited with Geto now he is not.#and he wanted to keep the next generation safe due to his past regrets and teach a generation of kids to be at the top together.#and he wanted to get rid of the corrupt higher-ups and reform the Jujutsu society.#and he did all of that. Yuta and Yuuji are both alive and safe and the kids are all reunited with each other stronger than ever#and the higher-ups are d**d.#Gojo obviously wouldn't hate to keep living. he clearly didn't expect to lose and die. but as he himself confirmed#he died doing what he loved. he went out the way he wanted. he went out with a bang. he had the best fight of his life and gave it his all.#as he said 'he had fun'. he said it would have been embarrassing if he died of old age or sickness.#and now that he's gone he's happy with his friends and especially Geto. he found peace.#He said it himself 'Now i'm wishing that it's not just a dream'.#also for those of you who say that Geto & Gojo wouldn't be together because one would go to hell and one to heaven... no. just no.#first of all. Gojo did a mass m*r*** before his death#second of all. they're Buddhists. they don't have heaven and hell. don't bring Abrahamic religions into everything.#and you'd be surprised by the excuses the Abrahamic religions find to not let people in heaven.#probably Gojo wouldn't go to heaven even if he didn't kill the higher-ups due to...idk... occasionaly doing pranks or sth.#but Gege apparently created a whole other afterlife of his own. and Toji Geto Gojo Nanami and everyone were all gathered there together.#you SAW that. so stop.#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#gojo satoru#satoru gojo#jjk gojo#gege akutami#my two cents#satosugu
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how it feels to find song lyrics that fit your OC perfectly:
#“I'm my father's stubborn daughter; and I am no gentle lover. Only crown I wear is loyalty.” CHIMERA. CHIMERA. CHIMERA. CHIMERA.#for context chimera is my dearest nemesis daughter. sometimes I despise her but she's still my oc of FOUR YEARS.#“lover” in a platonic sense because she doesn't experience romantic attraction#“only crown i wear is loyalty” she is the only person from the main cast of the story she's from that isn't royalty#she is very stubborn. it is incredibly hard to change her opinions; especially those on other people.#she holds grudges for unfathomable amounts of time and she generally just isn't willing to trust people in the first place#she shows large amounts of loyalty towards the handful of people that she does trust and is very overprotective#sometimes even to a violent extent although she barely gets to act upon said violent nature due to other characters' interference#the above ties back to “only crown i wear is loyalty”#her issues with trust are slightly derived from the fact that she was taught at a very young age that she must save herself. she cannot#rely on other people. that other people were unpredictable; dangerous.#she shows affection in ways that could be perceived as strange by others because she never learned how to properly express love#towards those who she cared for. sorry for the rant i literally have no one to rant about her to#she's part of a private story that me and my best friend are working on#i really wish i could share more about her but i dont know if my friend would let me#anyways fun fact about her she is a genetic chimera#i will provide to you a simple definition from my understanding of it#genetic chimerism is when an individual has a population of cells in their body that are genetically distinct from the rest; the individual#has more than one set of DNA. about the unfortunate coincidence with her name i came up with the idea of her being a chimera#much after i had named her and my best friend had already gotten used to the name so ummm#to be specific she is a tetragametic chimera; meaning that in the womb she originally had a twin but when they were zygotes#[fertilized egg cell] the other zygote somehow died and was absorbed by the zygote that would eventually develop into Chimera.#this resulted in her having two separate sets of DNA— that of her own and of her twin that never was.#i'd just like to get this out of the way because i've seen people think this. albeit it was in another fandom that i saw this misconception#with another chimeric character. she. did. not. kill. her. twin. her twin died due to unknown causes as a zygote. a cell.#now that that's out of the way there's a really interesting form of tetragametic chimerism that is also related to Chimera herself#it's called 46 XX/46 XY chimerism. if you know anything about chromosomes you could most likely guess what it's about but I'll explain#46 XX/46 XY chimerism occurs when the two zygotes that fused possessed opposite sex chromosomes— one with XX and one with XY#feel free to do some research on it for yourself#if you read all of this just know that. i. love. you. so. sosososososososo much [platonic] thankk you so much for reading my ramble
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some of y’all clearly don't understand what it's like to avert your eyes when your friend starts changing in front of you and your heart starts pounding in your chest and you could say something, SHOULD say something, tell her to change her clothes in a different room and admit to this freakish attraction that you know she doesn't feel, ruin the friendship by coloring every moment of casual intimacy with the knowledge that you are a pervert who wants more, that you are a threat. you don’t say anything. and you look up and watch the pale expanse of her lower back from the corner of your eye as she pulls on a white blouse, and something lurches in your stomach and you laugh at the joke she just told even though you weren’t really listening to the set-up. later on you will feel sick and guilty and cry alone in a bed that feels empty, but for just a moment, you are laughing with a beautiful girl who loves you, and it doesn’t matter if it’s wrong
#this is an old work i posted this on tik tok ages ago and got flamed for being creepy. which i am but still#this is practically peachbeck fanfiction based on my own experiences as a tiny baby lesbian.#not a lesbian anymore due to being a “man” and metrosexual in a city boy way but still relevant context.#as in i wrote this at a point when i identified as a woman and was very intentionally writing about being a woman feeling like this. yk?#peach salinger#peachbeck#you#you tv series#you tv#you 2018#you netflix#feel like this needs a cw but im not sure what…#cw creepery??? cw pervy behavior??? no clue#desire feels poisonous etc etc#hilson#tagging as hilson bc this is very hilson-core to me…. i think they change in the lockers together tooo frequently#them getting they dicks out in the urinals together energy#mostly hilson for me filing caninet of a blog purposes though apologies for cluttering the tag with unrelateds#personal#the gay experience
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watching people debate each other over how NO TWITTER WAS BETTER FOR ARTISTS NO TUMBLR IS BETTER FOR ARTISTS AHHH THE ENGAGEMENT and all i can think is “i’ve had better luck on tumblr than twitter actually but i don’t think my experiences can speak for everyone’s else’s experiences either”
#i think this is going to be inherently biased due to yknow everything being personal experience#but unfortunately i think luck plays a bigger part than a lot of people are willing to admit#i myself am very lucky bc i've been just sitting around doing my own shit for years and people like that
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aki with a s/o with chronic pain . . .
!!! this post is sfw, but minors/ageless blogs dni with this post/blog !!!
notes: gn!disabled!reader, this is self indulgent i tried to make this fitting for more general chronic pain! reader might come across as ehlers danlos-coded (is that a thing?? weird thing for me to type)
aki is already so sweet and caring with you, of course he would be helpful when your chronic pain flares up.
he notices that you’re moving a bit slower, taking shorter steps, taking a longer time to get up from your seat… and he’s immediately there to help
VERY quick to ask what you need, but he also tries to offer your usual solutions
“where does it hurt? do you need a heating pad? painkillers? tiger balm? do you want me to run a warm bath?”
if you have fluctuating mobility/occasionally use a mobility aid, he does his best to keep everything in a convenient spot for you. crutches near the bed so you can slide your arms in and get up with a bit more ease, rollator in a place where you don’t trip but it’s easy to access…
he was initially Overly Careful with you so he didn’t aggravate your pain further, but as he grows used to your needs, he’s still careful but he’s not scared of breaking you like he used to be
kisses the back of your neck while gently massaging your sore joints/muscles, murmuring soft “i love you”s and “you’re gonna be okay”s while he’s rubbing tiger balm onto your sorest spots
if he hears your joints pop he gets really nervous until you specify if it was a good/bad pop
if a spot is too sore, he won’t touch it in case he hurts you even more.
and if you just Can’t get out of bed for the day? he calls off from work to take care of you. brings you comfort food, helps you to the bathroom when you need it, makes sure you’re hydrated and taking your meds…
SPEAKING OF MEDS. this man is so good at reminding you
“did you forget to take your meds? maybe you should take them now, love. it’ll help you feel less sore.”
he’s very careful to make sure he doesn’t shame you for forgetting meds, for needing help, for being in pain. he just does whatever he can to make sure you’re okay and empathises with your complaints about your aches.
while he hates seeing you in pain during a flare-up, he becomes extra doting just to make sure your needs are met. cooks your fav comfort meal, makes sure all your pillows are soft and arranged to keep you comfy, refills your water bottle whenever it’s almost empty, etc.
he’s just so loving… aaauuuu
#aki hayakawa#aki hayakawa x reader#disabled reader#op#ive been having a lot of flareups due to the weather recently :’) rain my fucking beloathed#so this thought has been massively comforting to me#this was written 99% for self indulgence so it is based on my own personal experiences#but i tried to make it a lil broader and include things i dont use so others can enjoy :-)#i use forearm crutches sometimes + cant take many painkillers so tiger balm is my bestest friend#btw just a tip. if you cant afford tiger balm? get coralite from the dollar store! same pain relief (i use the patches)#akiiii please help me put pain patches on my back and tell me its going to be okay…… cries and cries and CRIES#maybe ill make an eds-specific version for even more self indulgence#also i wanted to include aki carrying you since i like tht for me but idk if others like tht when it comes to chronic pain so. left tht out#i might write more disabled/disabled-coded reader stuff later#this was just me being sore at 1am and throwing my thoughts out#or maybe ill write more aki things since i like him very much#going to post this and sleep. GOODNIGHT HAYAKAWA NATION 💪#imagine
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Ik Pyro is from Sydney in the comics (most likely Woolloomooloo specifically since he mentioned his grandma lives there) but I have a really in-depth headcanon about him being from somewhere in Tasmania (in-depth enough to include animal motifs and broader historical things lol I thought about this way too hard) and I really want to form it into a proper fic but I really don't think it would be that interesting to anyone other than, well, me...
#st john allerdyce#pyro xmen#mems speaks#character thoughts#like yes this is bc i'm tasmanian and i have personal beef with sydney as a concept#but on a character level i actually think it plays in really well with some of his more long-stay characteristics seen in the comics#coming from a place of isolation and lonliness rather than a bustling centre of almost overwhelming acceptance#really feeds into his rather self-centred and self-serving nature#plus there's the rather twisted and horrible history of the state that has left a long of the younger generations adrift culturally#both in terms of heritage and general culture#which to me would manifest in the way that he doens't really have an identiy or moral compass of his own#he much prefers to tailor his actions and even aspects of his personality to his current team dynamics#and has even expressed on occasions preferring to simply be told what to do rather than worry over the moral conundrum himself#but there's also a very strong artistic culture due to the isolation and historical stuff#and that doesn't even scratch the surface of this headcanon#like yeah i'm projecting but also i can divest my own experiences from it#and don't even get me started on the cultural shift of him moving to america like there's so much to be explored there#that specifically ties into some of the unique parts of being tasmanian#but i digress#no one but me would really give a shit about any of this
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i think it should be possible to scream without making any noise or disturbing anyone or inviting any questions . just sometimes . as a treat .
#hhhhHHHGHGHHHHHH#jay screams into the void#(deeply personal rant incoming feel free to ignore)#a friend of mine has just been undiagnosed with bpd which . lovely for them but it sure as fuck invites a Lot of questions#suddenly a great deal of previous shitty behaviour that was excused on the basis of bpd has a lot more to answer for#(obligatory I Know BPD Isn't An Excuse To Treat People Like Shit . im aware . i have bpd myself and i have v high standards re my behaviour)#(however allowances were made bc they were unmedicated & out of therapy through no fault of their own)#(and our whole group has enough experience with untreated mental illness to understand that it can make u a bitch sometimes)#but yeah no there have been a LOT of instances of b&w thinking + manipulation + unfair judgement + high emotion + snap reactions#and every situation Could be explained by untreated bpd and the bad times have never been prolonged or often enough to outweigh the good#but Hoo Boy if that wasn't bpd then what the FUCK was it#like either the new psychiatrist is wrong (possible but i seem to be the only one questioning it) or they're just Like That#and again . not enough to outweigh their numerous positive and loveable traits#but the whole group has been destabilised on a number of occasions due to their actions during a bad spell#and i'm really not sure Any Other Explanation is enough to justify that#ah well . this seems like the kind of thing that will eventually come up during a sleepover heart to heart#but rn i'm stuck in a bubble of MAJOR rsd & brainfuck abt it . which is unfortunate bc now is exactly the time i Don't need brainfuck#anyways ✨ goodnight tumblrinas i am . kind of hoping nobody read this bc i fear i sound like a bitch#i am genuinely happy for their undiagnosis it seems to have put many things into perspective for them & theyre v happy about it#i'm just . uncomfy w some aspects of it that i have only been halfway brave enough to discuss with them personally#That's One To Bring Up With My Therapist In A Few Weeks#Bit Of A Shame I'm No Longer In Therapy And Now Have Only 2 Quarterly Reviews Left Before I'm Discharged From The Service
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If I had a nickel for every time Hiroshi Kamiya voiced a (probably intentionally) austistic-coded anime character, I would have two nickels, which is not a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice. Edogawa Rampo walked so that Ego Jinpachi could run etc etc
#bsd#bllk#edogawa ranpo#ego jinpachi#hiroshi kamiya#i'd say ego is a slightly better representation than ranpo (but not by much)#if only because ranpo leans really hard into the austistic genius stereotype#whereas ego is just a guy who has autism#though that could just be due to my own personal experience with autism#like everyone experiences autism differently#personally i feel like i can relate more to ego's chair rocking/ramen eating/struggle to do basic household chores
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Did christian linke actually do anything wrong beyond saying he didn’t see jayvik as romantic or are you guys just losing your shit over a difference of opinion?
#dex rants#genuinely I can’t tell cause you guys are acting like he shot someone’s dog#seriously yall are saying his name like a curse or smthing#unless he actually did something wrong you gotta fuckin calm down#people are gonna disagree with you especially on something like this so what#unless he’s harassing people I don’t see the issue#however it seems like a lot of you guys are starting to harass people instead#I must ask is it really appropriate to turn someone into the enemy over something so harmless?#people view character relationships different all the time due in part to opinion and personal experience#personally I’m jayvik crazy I think of them as painfully annoyingly and frustratingly gay for each other however my friend sees them as an-#extension of his close friendships and how he’d go that far without any romance holding him to it#this doesn’t hurt me nor does it hurt him for feeling that way#but it does hurt to harass someone incessantly and twist words into daggers#you need to learn to move on#take a nice deep breath and say ‘we disagree’ and instead focus on enjoying yourself with the people who agree#christian linke#arcane#arcane spoilers#every year that passes I realize people are so quick to anger#often times they make themselves the most upset with their own feelings#it’s kinda frustrating liking popular mlm ships because so often people resort to arguing over actually enjoying themselves#jayvik I’m so sorry they’re doing this to you#and before you say ‘well what if you held this opinion on [serious matter]???’ we’re not talking about anything else we’re just talking-#about shipping okay?#different situations have different nuance#anyways I’m gonna go make a jayvik playlist and kick n my feet and giggle looking at these fuckin 30 year old men /gen
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i am just now realising that starting this blog in my final year of hs was a not so great idea ☹️☹️ i barely have time to draw anything for myself.. but i managed to finish this piece that's been sitting in my wips for half a year 👍👍 anyway
meet paweł and ryba!! (paweł - on the left, he/him for the character, ryba - on the right, he/they for the character, ryba belongs to my lovely gf kassr00n (on insta/tiktok!!))
#these two are the first ocs we've ever wrote together#even before WE became a couple lol#it's lowkey just a regular queer friends to lovers ??#but it's very special to me because we wrote their relationship based on our own experiences early on as a couple#so they've become saturated with us. to the core#and i always get so sentimental when thinking about them#so basically paweł and ryba are both art high school students#paweł joins ryba's class because he's transferred from homeschooling#ryba is overall very friendly and has a strong duty of helping people#when he saw there's a new person in their class they immediately wanted to befriend paweł#because hey. a NEW person in his class! he doesn't know anyone yet! it must be hard for him to find himself in a entirely new environment!#ryba really wants to show paweł that he won't be alone and that's why he offers himself as a friend#but paweł is. well. not interested to say it lightly#due to his past experiences with friendships (his childhood best friend of like 10 years started ingoring him out of he blue)#and he spent approximately 4 years homeschooling (so he just got used to being alone and learned to find comfort in that)#he's not really inclined to immediately trust a new person#but day after day of seeing ryba at school paweł gets used to their presence#and seeing this green haired dork makes him feel at ease#i knoooooow it's so silly and corny but isn't love like that??#original character#oc#drawing#digital art#oc couple#friends to lovers#queer#oh and also their shipname is rybaweł :3#my art#my artwork#digital drawing
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So seriously: if you have a serious recoil/disgust factor at uncommonly eaten parts of an animal being in any kind of food context (eg: whole fish being served at a table) and you want to work on minimizing that reaction, I really really recommend eating "normal" versions of those unusual foods, like for example deli-sliced tongue. I know I'm talking out of my ass here, but things like liver and haggis (organ meat), tongue (tongue), and probably a whole lot of others I've never had can be pretty easily made into forms that taste real good and don't look much like a weird lump of flesh you can recognize, and being able to get from "that's weird and gross but I want to get it" to "that's weird but it tastes really good and I want to get it" will probably make building up momentum easier when you move on to less "common" pastures.
Good luck, by the way. I believe in you.
#red rambles#i'm doing this with bugs for the record im not like JUST talking out my ass. I have a full on phobia of dead bugs#I can and have eaten live bugs! I've eaten and really enjoyed cricket-flour chips! I'm working my way up to "whole preserved scorpion in#chocolate'' type desserts but I haven't gotten there yet#so I know for a fact that there's a kind of person who has this sort of instinctive repulsion and also really really REALLY wants to get#over it. and also i didn't even realize this was a thing because i grew up with whitefish and tongue and so on#anyway im not sure if people like. KNOW that you can get like... liver *spread* or prepared tongue or brain or w/e#being able to go 'oh that is actually delicious' is a big thing or at least it is for me! it's very motivating!#you're the only one who is going to really 'push' you on these things- god knows my immediate family and friends mostly wants me to#STOP trying to eat bugs LMFAO (this is due to my behaviors but also like my dad told me I was not to keep cricket snacks in the house)#(so it's a bit of both but mostly because i cannot be trusted not to just eat a random ant because they are delicious these days)#but like at least in my experience the second you step out of the 'culturally normative' fold people stop being like 'yay stop being picky!#and start going 'no stop go back to being picky' so it's really really important to find your own motivators and not rely on other people
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The difficult thing about openly blogging about healing and going through a long period of growth publicly is the feeling of “I’m not doing super great, and it’s worse than it has been before” springs to mind, but for the X number of times you’ve said it in the past, it feels more trivial. And maybe that’s a sign that things have always been an up and down sort of pattern, and that it will pass again, but maybe it also serves to feel more isolating in not having the words or energy anymore to describe how it is *this* time. And it is a position that changes day to day, and on better days it feels more passable, and on worse the void feels more vast. The mere fact that it changes is probably a good sign, that nothing ever has to be set in stone. But boy are some days so, so dreadful.
#I guess a measure would be this feels like pre-move out times right now#when I was (physically) in a bad and unsafe place#and moving out has had its own stressors and anxieties#but the dread I feel is very reminiscent of another older time before then#I recently visited Texas with Spider and Sarah and Doc#we stayed at my parent’s place so it was definitely a mixed bag#I wish I wasn’t so messed up after every visit there#I thought it’d be better or easier with company after this time#but due to a variety of factors I’ve left the experience more tattered than I’d like#they had fun and it wasn’t a bad trip#but it wasn’t a great trip for me personally for loaded reasons#Spider knows to check in on me more in the coming days and weeks so that is good#FUCK man also I love this new song that came out but I CANNOT listen to it anymore and had to remove it from my playlist#because I kind of associate it with the trip now and it makes me cry every time I hear it haha#second song I ever had to do that with!!#I’m okay#just so very tired.
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I'll hurt you the way you hurt me.
#just some vent art because of some personal drama going around me recently#svsss#scum villain's self-saving system#人渣反派自救系统#ren zha fanpai zijiu xitong#scumbag system#穿书自救指南#chuan shu zijiu zhinan#tianlang-jun#tianlang jun#luo binghe#this could be Bing-ge asjakfl#I just think sometimes it'd be interesting if Luo Binghe & Tianlang-jun's relationship was even more...volatile (due to my own experiences)#call it projecting but...you know#kuku88#my art
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i don’t hold grudges, but i only let people break my trust once and not trusting someone is a relatively similar phenomenon.
#like. do i HATE people who have done me wrong or waste my time thinking about how much they suck? no.#hate is exhausting and i have many better things to do#but do i experience anxiety due to having to work with people i don’t trust? ABSOLUTELY.#so that’s why my shitty coworker and manager being gone is such a big deal to me#nothing either of them could do would EVER make me trust them again#and my direct boss is also a part of that and i think she knows that#i have more personal affection for her as a friend#i think she’s just a bad people manager who accepted bad direction from her own boss#but also like… grow a spine and defend your autistic employee - you know??#and i will never forget that and i will never have trust with her again#i’m not MAD. i’m just disappointed and you only get to disappoint me once#after that - it’s just par for the course as far as i’m concerned#and i am getting out of this town#not a thing could make me stay#and i do suspect that i will leave before my boss does#but i hope she’s figured out by now that i would not mourn her loss either#and i will not mourn my own even a little bit!#i cannot WAIT to move on#but with my boss’s boss gone the necessary wait will be a little easier
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one of the things i find funny now with my past shitty dnd experience is the fact that the problem player only seemed to really care about their own character, and whenever they drew dnd art it would look like this:
#theres a lot of things i find funny whenever i think back on it#its fun to clown on them even tho back then i had so much grief#i dont really like to reminisce on the shitty things that happened but its fun to laugh at how stupid it was#i AM kinda dunkin on their art but its bc they were like 'OGHH I LOVE ALL THE CHARACTERS' but then showed close to no interest in other pcs#they literally treated it like their character was the Main Character and was the center of the world#it was very reflective in their art.#other things i find funny: how they obviously cheated their rolls#they averaged ... 18 i think?#meanwhile the second highest was 15 and everyone else was within 2 points lower of that#and also their infamous '...for what exactly?' question when they questioned me 'getting in the way' of their rp#even tho i was rping my character and having them stop their pc from doin things due to clash of motives#also. i was a text rper. LMAO#ITS JUST SO FUCKING FUNNY LIKE WDYM 'FOR WHAT EXACTLY' LMFAOAOAOAOOO THEYRE THEIR OWN PERSON WITH THEIR OWN MOTIVES.#skypeaks#im so glad i dont feel shitty abt it anymore. its just so fucking stupid#like yeah it affected me but now im WELL past the point of being mad abt it its just. Funny.#on that note tho i hope that whomever this person has hurt can heal as well. bc im sure those other people have had to deal with WORSE imo#i think all things considered i didnt have it that bad. i just had a small taste of their shitty behavior#EDIT: i might make more small doodles with this experience. its just funny to recall so who knows
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