#drug abuse recovery

[pastel--catboy]

Having troubles with sharing your problems and feelings sucks. I constantly feel like I wasn't "addicted enough" to complain, because the time frame of my active use wasn't that long, less than half a year. But at the same time, it was extreme, and I'm still facing the consequences of this addiction and its effects on both my body and soul. Even the last doctor (not psych expert/therapist, but still a doctor nonetheless) that I went to asked me how I could possibly stay awake after taking the amount that I did every time. The answer is that I didn't. Fuck, I have so much to unpack, but how can I recover when I don't properly believe myself?

[my-journey-to-recovery]

[the-drug-addicts-diary]

every time i think to myself: 'this sober shit is boring' i remember there were times, when i was willing to give up anything except my next dose, for a chance to be where i am today.

[paingoes]

Rubies

Haircare

(Content: accidental whump, past abuse, PTSD, dehumanization, conditioning, drowning mention, dissociation, crying)

It had happened so quickly. Delta leaned against the kitchen counter, comfortable enough now to stand but not quite enough to be using furniture. It wasn’t so odd then, though. Apollo was standing on the other side, trying to explain the difference between originalism and textualism through an analogue about beekeeping. Unsuccessfully. Still, Delta listened with rapt attention. He did not care particularly for the subject matter, but appreciated the novelty of being talked to like a person. Kitty passed behind him. She tugged at his hair abruptly, forcing his head to the side.

“I’m sorry,” he winced. The apology had come just as reflexively as the flinch. He didn’t even know what he had done wrong, but he had suspicions, the same ones that had been eating at him this entire time. He'd gotten overfamiliar, probably. He'd been too comfortable. He'd been acting too much like he was their equal. It always happened like this - some brief lapse in his judgement, then immediate correction to ensure it would never happen again. It hurt worse coming from her, though. She'd not hurt him at all before and he had tried so hard not to give her reason to. Now he had. He was really, really sorry.

“Yeouch,” Kitty hissed as she tried to untangle her claw. Her eyes widened as she saw the still, scared look on Delta’s face, “Oh, no, no, no, babe. It was an accident. Accident.”

Apollo reached over to unhook them. Oh. Accident. Delta brought his head back up, touching it gingerly where the hair had been pulled. Kitty rubbed at her nail; it had split at the top. It was his fault. His hair had only gotten so knotty because he hadn’t been taking care of it. He just didn’t have the energy to do it when he wasn’t being forced to. Especially if he only had one hand to work with.

Kitty seemed to have the same thought, because she offered to brush his hair out that night. He sat down cross-legged on the floor. She sat behind him, gently working the brush through his ends. It went all the way down his back and then some. 

“You have such nice hair, Delta,” Kitty said, running her fingers through it. Some of the luster had faded from days without wash, but it was still soft.

“Thank you, miss,” he said quietly.

“What?” She had heard the discontentment in his voice. He wondered when he’d started slipping so much. He’d always believed he’d been good about hiding his feelings. It occurred to him that maybe everyone was just ignoring them.

“…I don’t really like it,” he admitted. 

“Why not?” She asked. He could sometimes hear the :? in her voice.

Because it gets caught on everything. Because it takes forever to clean it. Because it’s too easy to grab. 

“...Too long,” he mumbled.

“Why don’t you cut it?” Kitty tapped her claw against the back of the brush.

“Wasn’t allowed to.” He rubbed his neck. Paris had been weirdly particular about it — some carryover from his own aesthetic neurosis. Even before then, none of Delta’s handlers had ever allowed him to modify his appearance in any way. He’d never though about it much until it had become such a chore to take care of. 

“Oh.” She frowned. “Do you want to cut it now?”

Delta blinked. He hadn’t realized that was an option. It made sense, though. He guessed he didn’t have any reason to keep it long anymore. If they didn’t mind.

“Would that be okay?” He asked cautiously, trying to distinguish an offer from a trap. That was another thing he’d been good at before. He felt less confident in it now. It felt like he was returning too many false positives.

“Yeah, it’s your hair. I can do it for you, if you want.”

“Um. Yes, please.” He still kept his tone polite, just in case she changed her mind.

She led him into the bathroom. He had to suppress the urge to fight it. Memories of his head being forced underwater. Paris higher than he had ever seen him. His certainty about his own death, proven wrong but just barely. He shivered. He sat down on the edge of the bathtub where Kitty indicated. His nerves calmed slightly. No chains. No water. He still clutched at his own arms anxiously, needing something to hold onto. Kitty ran her hand over his scalp softly, smoothing out his hair. He practically melted into the touch.

“How short are you thinking?” She asked, repositioning herself with a pair of scissors. He tapped a finger by the nape of his neck, a little lower than his ears.

“You’re sure?” She checked in again.

“Yes, miss.” 

“Kk.” She clicked the scissors together. 

His head felt so much lighter, so immediately. He hadn’t realized how much dead weight the hair had been. He was sure it was part of why his migraines had gotten so bad. He gave a little sigh of relief, which he was immediately embarrassed by. Thankfully, Kitty didn’t acknowledge it.  She kept busy with the scissors, cutting layers into his hair to give it texture. She kept running her hands through it, trying to see if it was even. It felt so nice. He let himself sit like that for a while, eyes closed, just enjoying the touch.

“All done!” Kitty grinned. He felt a little sad when her hands left him. She stood him up, letting him view the cut in the bathroom mirror. 

He’d been avoiding his reflection for a long time. It always made him dissociative, much too uncertain of what it was he was seeing inside. The depersonalization had been trained into him. 

His hair was cut short. There were deep, dark circles under his eyes and a faint mark on his nose where the bone had been broken. His freckles glowing dimly just beneath the surface. Some of the color was returning to his face. His hair was cut short. It looked nice. It felt a lot better.

He covered his face with his hands, unable to control the soft sob that escaped him. There weren’t tears, not really. Those still did not come easy. But in all other ways, he was crying.

“Oh no,” Kitty gasped. “You don’t like it? I’m so sorry. It’ll grow back. I can try and fix it.”

Unable to stop herself, she put one hand against his shoulder, rubbing small circles with her thumb. He shook his head.

“I like it,” he said softly. His voice was muffled through his hands. She rubbed his back gently. He sat down on the bathroom tiles, inconsolable.

…………

tags:

@catnykit @snakebites-and-ink @vivulapom @scoundrelwithboba @whatwhump

@pumpkin-spice-whump @deluxewhump @fuckass1000 @fuckcapitalismasshole @defire

@micechomper @writereleaserepeat @aloafofbreadwithanxiety

[aftgficrec]

Anonymous said: Hi! Thank you so much for your work. I'm looking for long finished fics, it can be canon or not AND I'm also looking for fics focused on Kevin and Neil friendship

From Ravens angst to food wars there’s a lot of Kevin and Neil here for you to enjoy. Readers, find the long complete fics portion of this ask here. -A

previous recs

Kevin & Neil here

Kevin & Neil friendship here

BFFs Neil & Kevin, physically affectionate here

Neil & Kevin as bffs/brothers + Kev/Neil here 

‘To All my friends’ here

‘on thin ice’ here

‘Exit Wound’ here 

‘Necessary Losses,’ ‘Remember! Proplifting is Shoplifting!,’ and ‘CVS’ (completed) here

‘don't be suspicious, don't be suspicious’ here

‘I have a Prom-Posal’ here (updated)

‘The Manga is Way Better (Save me from the Fangirls)’ here

‘Homecoming King’ here 

‘The One Where Everyone Finds Out’ here

‘How to outrun the mafia, an essay by Neil Josten’ here

‘my friends and I, we got a lot of problems’ and ‘please, carry me, carry me, carry me home’ here

‘I can see the stars though the tears in my skin’ here

‘Odd Eye’ here

‘Carrots’ here

‘You Can't Take the Sky from Me’ here 

‘Something Crazy About It’ and ‘The one where Andriel get Cats’ here

‘Dear Advice Guy,’ ‘a little bit special,’ and ‘quicksand’ here

‘Slow Parade’ and ‘Bad Habits’ here

‘Technique is Important’ here

‘venus as a boy’ here (completed)

‘Light a Match’ and ‘stupid, normal teenagers’ here

‘"There's blood on my/your hands."’ here

‘Neil Josten Is a Lucky Man’ here

‘Two worlds collide’ and ‘Fear & Loathing’ here

‘Father’s Day, ‘08’ here

‘Point Nemo’ here

‘Extra thermador on the side’ ch 14 & 15 here

‘Gimme a Kiss and I'll Kiss You Right Back’ here

‘North Star’ and ‘it's my first and perhaps last time (aka the Exy World Cup Fic)’ here

‘my one, my dear’ here

‘I’m too young to feel numb…’ here

‘The Sickness Was Forever,’ ‘Whatever it takes,’ and ‘It's Just You and Me, Just Us, and Y(our) Friend Kevin’ here 

‘Different Roads’ and ‘I Was Ruined From The Start’ here

‘Spun Sugar Truths’ here

‘But man, I can hate you sometimes’ here

‘Remember Me, Love, When I'm Reborn…’ and ‘The Suit Universe’ series (updated) here

‘Through our memories, we live’ here (completed)

‘Die Free or Die a Failure’ here (completed)

‘A Falling Star’ series here

you may also like

andreil & Kevin here

more kevineil here

Andrew & Kevin here

to whom it may aggravate by knoxout [Rated G, 1931 Words, Complete, 2022]

to: njosten@denverbulldogs.com from: kevinday@seattlestingrays.com ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID????? Kindest regards, Kevin Day

Strike That (from the record) by Mercey [Rated M, 1393 Words, Complete, 2023]

Kevin and Neil decide to read fanfiction about themselves on their podcast. Shenanigans ensue.

Medicated rabbits don't run as fast by AllTheSpadesAndAces [Not Rated, 8690 Words, Incomplete, Updated Nov 2023]

Neil Josten has his mother to thank for an addiction to painkillers, but he won't speak (that) ill of the dead. He's stayed on the run after her death. He never hits the same AA or NA meeting more than once. Usually only going once in every city he passes though. Maybe he should have remembered not to stray too close to Raven territory. After all, he knows what that place can drive people to do. OR Neil meets Kevin at an AA meeting.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: drug addiction, tw: alcohol abuse/alcoholism

Your eyes can’t fool me by maia_m03 [Rate G, 3533 Words, Complete, 2022]

There’s something familiar about this kid and Kevin can’t quite place it. Until he does. (A ‘Kevin recognises Neil at Millport’ AU)

neil josten vs vegetables (aka kevin) by orangejuice9 [Rated T, 3138 Words, Complete, 2023]

Three times Kevin tries to put vegetables in Neil's food, and one time Neil gets his revenge.

this is [home], this is hell by straycrow [Rated M, 1402 Words, Complete, 2022]

The day Kevin left the Nest and Neil behind.

tw: violence, tw: abuse

What the fuck did I do in the end? (Just to not be yours) by allfortheBoyds [Rated M, 2305 Words, Incomplete, Updated April 2023]

Kevin goes back to the nest so that Neil can run

no rest for the mischievous by tropicalblend [Rated G, 1681 Words, Complete, 2023]

Kevin forgets an essential piece of Neil's food order so Neil must enact revenge, he must.

frying pans by aknosde [Rated G, 1078 Words, Complete, 2023]

When Kevin trudges down the stairs and into the kitchen Saturday morning it's to the smell of frying sausage and a headache the likes of which he hasn’t seen in years. The fact that the former makes him want to throw up considerably more than the latter lets him know what kind of day it’s going to be. (Or: Neil cooks Kevin breakfast)

tw: implied disordered eating

i want to hold your hand by gay_irl [Rated T, 3481 Words, Complete, 2023]

Neil starts to notice that Andrew occasionally exchanges casual touches with Kevin. He feels something about it but he's not sure what. He talks to Andrew and starts to realize the value of non-sexual intimacy. He decides to try it out.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse

why am I like this? by chronically_peach [Rated G, 1744 Words, Complete, 2023]

Kevin doesn’t believe in loneliness. He doesn’t believe in friendship or the need for people around. He spent his entire life never being alone but never having a friend. Loneliness didn’t affect Kevin. Or so he thought. One night Kevin breaks down during late night practice while alone at the court. When he doesn’t come home Andrew and Neil go looking for him

In the Blooms by KaijuusAndKryptids [Rated G, 1273 Words, Complete, Aftg Spring Exchange 2022, Locked]

Kevin works on sobriety, and needs something to fill the time to distract him from needing a drink. He falls into gardening incidentally, but more and more often he finds that he wants to garden for gardening's sake and not to complete another objective.

Proof of Life by mostly_maudlin [Rated T, 2132 Words, Complete, 2022]

Realistically, Kevin knows he is safe now. No one is after him anymore. No one is plotting to drag him down into the hole he's clawed out of. He has people who will fight to keep it this way.

Kevin? Aaron? Together? My life can't get any worse than this by Artificiosus [Rated T, 2129 Words, Complete, 2022]

He takes a deep breath in. "Where?" "Where what- oh," Kevin replies. "Where?" Neil repeats, his heart rate is speeding up, he feels frozen to the spot. Dread? Fear? Whatever it is, it's locked him down. Kevin gulps.  ~~~~~ Kevin tells Neil that he and Aaron slept together.

Hey Look Neil, You Made It! by alexis_needs_sleep [Not Rated, 2224 Words, Complete, 2022]

7 years after Kevin agreed to teach Neil how to play Exy, Kevin shows up on Neil's doorstep with a long overdue gift.

Sticking with our Losers by Webaqoof [Rated T, 1647 Words, Complete, 2022, Locked]

Kevin dragged his ass from the front porch steps where he was laying down, ready to enter the house. He furrowed his eyebrows to find it still closed, because he clearly heard Neil ringing the doorbell. “Why is the door not open?” Neil brought his hand to his chin in a thinking posture. Which was funny because he never really thought anything. “I think it’s because one of the people in the house doesn’t like me much.”

Could Have Been Me by thornilee013 [Rated T, 1843 Words, Complete, AFTG Mixtape Exchange 2024]

Kevin finally voices a question that's been bothering him.

i should hate you, i feel stupid. by hynjinnnniee [Rated T, 3391 Words, Complete, 2024]

kevin experiences some complicated feelings after riko dies, and the monsters help him through it.

Naked-Fruit Chiffon Cake, one box by riri_a [Rated T, 2579 Words, Complete, 2023]

Kevin Day was having a very boring morning. Some might say his life was boring in general. Everything changes when a homeless guy with blue eyes decides to rob his workplace. Kevin thinks he's incompetent.

Tell Me the Truth by birthdaycandles774 [Rated T, 1948 Words, Complete, 2023]

The Foxes were staying at the winter banquet for both days, how boring. Andrew had gone to get ice for his drunk brother and cousin when he noticed two Ravens. So far from their nest, strange. He never expected to make a deal with the unannounced member of the 'Perfect Court' who only wanted him to protect Kevin Day. He definitely didn't expect to want the mysterious Raven to stay. The one where Neil was caught by the Moriyamas and is the one to get Kevin out of the Nest.

Kevin Day is keeping Celeste series by Twolipsliterature [Rated G/T, Collection, Incomplete, Updated Feb 2023]

Part 1: What never belonged to angels, Had never belonged to men [T, 1837 Words, Complete] Neil, Andrew, and Kevin are in Columbia for the summer following Riko's death. Needless to say, Kevin is not handling it well. When a breakup leads to a breakdown, Neil and Andrew must learn what it is to be a friend and how to help peice someone back together instead of being the one to break them apart

tw: alcohol abuse/alcoholism

Part 2: If I let you perceive me, do you promise to love me? [T, 11037 Words, Incomplete, Updated Feb 2023] The last thing Kevin expected to do after a messy breakup was immediately fall for someone. Yet, here he is, smitten and cursing himself for it. With more baggage and trauma than he can hide under his bed, Kevin is hesitant to open up to someone. How can anyone get to know him when he barely knows himself? Lucky for him, Celeste is very good at piecing things together. OR: Despite his best efforts, Kevin falls in love.

Part 3: A Lesson In Loving You, A Lesson In Being Loved [G, 4966 Words, Complete]

After months of sneaking around, Neil decides its high time Kevin introduce the foxes to his not-so-secret girlfriend. When it finally happens, he can't shake the feeling that there's something more to her that Kevin is missing...

A Collection of my varying AFTG short stories… by BasiliskCrane [Rated M, Collection, Updated July 2021]

Chapter 6: "your an idiot... " (G, 438 Words)

You Gave Me A Key And Called It Home by vinesse [Collection, Rated T, Complete, 2019]

Chapter 31: Scared, Me? (466 Words)

A Series of H/C One-Shots For All For The Game by carefulren [Rated T, Collection, Updated 2018]

Chapter 1: Neil Downplays How Sick He's Feeling, and the Foxes Step In Chapter 4: sick and problematic kevin trying to keep the team away from him, but the team ignores him

Art

kevneil arguing dynamic comic by @wuzeio

quality bonding time animation by @broresteia

weekly call comic by @bleepbloops

tramp stamps instead of face tattoos art by @koihoi

AU where Kevin meets Neil on the run art by @lucky-slice

[longreads]

Unknown Costs

“Addicts and alcoholics cannot prove their need for treatment by requesting it. They’ve gotta bleed and pee for it. And even that might not be enough.”

A powerful new Longreads essay on addiction recovery is out today. Take some time to read it here. 

[compassionatereminders]

It's like how we can't stop offering resources, support and treatment to trauma victims simply because people "aren't supposed to abuse each other". A lot of shit people aren't supposed to do will keep happening, and aiming for harm reduction will get us a lot further than expecting people to do everything right. And drug use just isn't an exception to this reality

[remyhadly]

Yknow sometimes I wonder about what would have happened if wilson was the medical proxy during house's infarction. Because I can't imagine a single reality where wilson would let house die for the sake of his leg(it was said multiple times that he would have died without the surgery). So will he also choose the middle ground? Or will he go straight for amputation? How would that affect their friendship from then on? Would he be as mad at wilson as he was at stacy? Because I feel like one of the reasons why wilson doesn't get any blame from house is because he had no involvement in the decision. I would genuinely love to see an AU where this played out

[promptsforyourwhumpfic]

Whump Prompt #1332

TW: Substance Abuse | Overdose

Anon asked:

Do you have some prompts for a whumpee struggling with substance abuse after some bad things happening in their life, and their friend / caretaker supporting them through it?

A few:

Maybe the caretaker notices erratic behaviour and decides to address it gently. This could lead to a discussion, or even an argument if the whumpee tries to deny it despite the evidence being clear. (Why do they try to deny it? Are they ashamed? Embarrassed? Worried about what people are going to think?)

The caretaker could find out about the abuse when the whumpee hits rock bottom. They could get a call from the hospital/a concerned friend etc. Maybe they haven't heard from the whumpee in a few days, so decide to do a welfare check of sorts. They could get there just in time to witness the whumpee overdosing.

Does the whumpee relapse? Do the caretakers threaten to give up on them?

^ I like the idea of the caretaker saying that in private, but the whumpee accidentally overhears.

During recovery they celebrate small victories - a day sober, three days sober, a week sober etc etc. It becomes tradition to get a cake for every milestone. Maybe at a longer milestone - when the whumpee as gotten much better - it's not until late at night that they realise it's a milestone day. Their only option is to go to a gas station to find a cake, but their only choices are the questionable hotdogs, flowers, a chocolate bar, or even more questionable sushi.

At first the whumpee rejects professional help, but seeing the strain it puts on the caretakers, they decide to seek out a therapist.

Don't forget the withdrawal symptoms.

What kind of coping mechanisms do they put in place? Chewing gum? Knitting? Folding laundry?

On the emotional side - the whumpee has to work very hard to repair the relationships they damaged.

[pastel--catboy]

I just called myself a drug addict in recovery for the first time and I feel so, so strong yet so, so vulnerable. Happy 2 months (and 5 days)!

[galaxywarp]

chat why do we think my stomach squirms like eels whenever someone acknowledges that I survived some serious shit

[my-journey-to-recovery]

[weirdstrangeandawful]

TW: addiction, substance abuse, IV drug use

'I don't need help,' Whumpee flinches away from Caretaker as if they're going to steal with syringe of precious relief right from their fingers.

'Can I at least do your dishes?' Caretaker glances at the small but existent collection of used dishes in the sink.

'If you insist,' Whumpee mumbles, already focused on finding a vein.

Quietly, Caretaker steps over and turns on the faucet. As Whumpee leans back quietly on the couch, their withdrawal symptoms fading, Caretaker ventures a comment, 'Hey Whumpee?'

'Mhm?'

'You know if you ask for help, it can just mean dishes, right?'

[neuroticboyfriend]

this just in! substance use disorders don't exist only when someone uses substances. there are a bunch of other experiences that come with a substance use disorder. this includes cravings, withdrawal (physical and psychological), tolerance, dependency, obsessions with substance, anhedonia, needing to recover from use, and more! recovery isn't as simple as not using substances (especially since not everyone's recovery involves not using)! and, as with other conditions, it is still possible to lead a fulfilling life without full recovery <3

[mels-wanderland]

Rock.

The best part about Rock bottom is the Rock part. You discover the solid bit of you. The bit that can't be broken down further. The thing that might be your soul. At our lowest we find the solid ground of our foundation. And we can build ourselves up. Renewed.

[goodbyemaryjane]

10 things I learned from 10 months of sobriety

(in no particular order)

1. Feelings can't hurt me as long as I don't do anything self destructive to make them go away. They'll pass - like clouds blowing over the sky.

2. Everything good that I thought being drunk and high helped me do - socializing at parties, making art, emotional intimacy - I'm actually better at when I'm sober.

3. Getting intoxicated was a shortcut (a maladaptive coping mechanism) to silence my self-criticism and shame.

4. It caused more problems than it solved.

5. What I really needed was to practice self compassion and let myself be vulnerable with others sober. Scary, but the rewards are great.

6. If I satisfy my loneliness by getting drunk and high, I will be too busy with my addiction to seek out real love or accept it when it comes. I feel lonely for a reason; if I just keep numbing the hunger, I'll starve.

7. I have to take all of the energy I may spend wishing for others to change for me and just change myself.

8. Withdrawals were uncomfortable but my fear of them was much worse. When I look back, I felt more joy and relief in the first few days than pain. Like swimming in the ocean: once I stopped struggling and just let the current pull me under and toss me around, trusting that eventually I would be pushed to the surface, I knew I would be alright no matter how strange and sick I felt. It was such a relief to stop fighting what I knew deep down was right and true: that I had to quit today - not tomorrow, not in a week - or I'd be using for the rest of my life.

9. Denial is a powerful and terrifying thing. Nobody is too smart to be an addict. If anything, it makes you better at coming up with excuses.

10. At some point you will be more afraid of staying the same forever than you are of changing.