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waywardnerd67 · 3 years

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Star Crossed: Shining Star

Summary: Between filming and conventions, Jensen Ackles hardly has a moment to himself. During a panel one weekend he learns that his favorite band’s lead singer is a fan of his. Encouraged by his best friend, Jensen steps out of his comfort zone and reaches out to her on social media. That one decision throws his entire world into a whirlwind adventure. Pairing: No Pairing Rating: E - Everyone Warnings: Fluff Word Count: 1595 A/N: None

Check out: Star Crossed Masterlist

Jensen Ackles walked into his apartment kicking off his shoes by the door. Thankful to be done filming for the week and looking forward to not having to travel too far for the convention this weekend. He loved meeting fans and performing on Saturday nights. There were some weeks where he wished he could relax in his apartment and not have to worry about traveling.

Deciding a night of Netflix and pizza was in order, Jensen took a quick shower then put on some sweats with a t-shirt. He had settled in with his pizza with The Witcher series pulled up to watch when his phone started buzzing.

“No Jared, I don’t want to come out.”

Laughter came ringing through the speaker, “Jackles, it’s only a few crew and myself chilling at our normal spot. Come out for a little while.”

“What part of no don’t you understand? The N or the O?” Jensen rubbed his forehead hearing everyone behind Jared chanting his name, “Buddy, I’m showered and in for the evening. I’ll make it up to y’all tomorrow night.”

“Fine old man, see you tomorrow.”

He groaned, ending the call and no longer interested in the show on Netflix. Turning off the tv, he walked over to his record player turning on the band he had been listening to on repeat. He discovered Wayward Stars a few years ago when a fan gifted him their cd. They were a hard rock, alternative metal band with lyrics that spoke to the soul. Also, the lead singer was drop dead gorgeous.

There had been late night shoots he would turn on one of their albums listening to (Y/N) (Y/L/N)’s voice letting it seep into the far reaches of his mind. As he sat in his apartment alone, he allowed his mind to wander of singing with her on stage one day. Making a mental note to talk with Creation and Rob Benedict about getting her to come to Vegas for SNS. For now, he let the music flow over him well into the night.

The next day, Jensen slept in until he heard Clif knocking on his door. Twenty minutes later, he was walking down to the lobby where Jared was sitting with his eyes closed.

“Hey Jared!” He yelled.

Jared jumped falling off the chair he was on. Jensen and Clif started laughing as he mumbled curses under his breath getting off the floor.

“Not funny and I will get you back.” Jared’s eyes narrowed on him.

“I’m sure you will, big guy. Now, can we get on with our day?”

They had a few interviews at the studio and some meetings before they had to get ready for the concert that night. Since the convention was in Vancouver and there was no traveling, Jensen had agreed to sing that night. He was excited to perform new songs and to be in front of the fans. As they pulled into the studio parking lot, he sighed knowing it was going to be a long day ahead of him.

It was near six o’clock when Jensen arrived back at his apartment to get ready for the night. Once again, he turned on his favorite Wayward Stars song, A Light in the Dark. It was a slower song with beautiful lyrics and then a killer riff in the end. He was in his room, singing when he heard his door open. Only two people had a key to his place and he only needed one guest to know who was walking in.

“Really? Wayward Stars again?” Jared flopped down on his couch.

“I can’t help it that you have horrible taste in music.” He chuckled.

“I like the band… just not 24/7 like you.”

He rolled his eyes, shutting off his record player, “Don’t judge me. Now come on and let’s go hang out with the fam.”

Saturday Night Special was exactly that, special. Especially when they were in Vancouver. The cast and crew seemed to cut loose a little more backstage. He was catching up with Matt Cohen when they called him to get ready to go on stage. Jared and Misha were standing by the stage to watch as Rob called him up on stage.

There was nothing more exhilarating than being hit with a roar of an audience. An electric current steady ran down his body over the next fifteen minutes as he performed. When he walked off stage, as promised, he celebrated with Jared, Misha and others until the early hours of morning.

Their early morning panel was rough as the coffee worked through knocking out the whiskey from his system. The last question of their morning panel came from a young lady wearing a Wayward Stars shirt.

“Love your shirt.” Jensen smiled.

“We get it Ackles, you’re their biggest fan.” Jared jokes.

The fan laughed, “Actually my question is about them. SPN family loves this band since they are fans of the show. Wondering if you ever had a chance to meet them or if they could be invited to a SNS show?”

“Go on fanboy…”

Jensen rolled his eyes, “I would love to meet them one day and have them come perform during Saturday Night Special. I’m forever thankful to the fan who gave me their cd a couple of years ago. Many, many a night their music has kept me sane during shooting. So yeah, definitely would love to meet them.”

“I would love for Jensen to meet them so I can film it and post it on social media for everyone to see him fanboy all over (Y/N).”

The crowd ohhh as Jensen glared at Jared, “Alright, alright… I think we have to get going now. We will see y’all later.”

Waving as they walked off the stage. As soon as they were on the stairs, Jensen punched his friend in the shoulder.

“Ow!”

“You deserve that.” Jensen could hear Jared laughing all the way to the green room.

The rest of the convention went without a hitch. Monday morning brought a whole new week of filming. Jensen was in his trailer when his phone buzzed seeing a text from Jared.

He pulled up his app, seeing a few friends tagging him in a post from a girl named Addy. Clicking on the YouTube link surprised to see (Y/N) watching him sing from SNS.

“I can’t help it. He’s gorgeous and talented and the perfect man.” She threw her arm over her eyes dramatically pretending to faint.

Text flashed on the screen, “#1 Jensen Ackles Fangirl”

He sat there stunned for a moment watching the video again. He could not wrap his mind around that she was a big fan of his. He knew the band liked the show, but to think he was perfect? His heart thumped against his chest as his shaking hands typed a message back to Jared.

Jensen took a few deep breaths before typing a Tweet then deleting it. He typed another one and deleted it. The third time he hit post and immediately regretted it, sounding like an idiot. Within minutes he received a notification from (Y/N) on Twitter.

Before he could reply, Jared was calling him, “Are you freaking out?”

“N-No… maybe, yes.” He stammered.

Jared’s laughter filled his ear, “Oh my god I wish I could see your face right now. This is your chance to make all your dreams come true.”

“I’m hanging up now, Jerk.”

“See you in an hour, Bitch.” Jared was still laughing as Jensen ended the call.

He watched the video a few more times and sent another Tweet out to (Y/N) after following her page. He went on all his social media making sure he was following her before realization hit that it seemed stalkerish.

“Jay, calm your roll.” He muttered to himself.

Putting his phone down, he tried to go over his lines for the next scene they were shooting. When he could not concentrate then he buckled, putting in his earbuds and turning on Wayward Stars. His hands were still trembling as he tried to control his fan moment.

Over the next several weeks, Jensen and (Y/N) were chatting all over social media. He posted a picture on Instagram tagging her in holding up her vinyl record.

Finally, he gathered the courage to ask for her number in a DM to chat with her more in private. Since their fans were going nuts over their new friendship. Now they would text each other everyday like they had known each other forever. She would tell him about her shows and cities she was in. He would chat about filming without spoiling anything for her. The only thing he wished could happen was their schedules to sync up so they could meet.

That thought ran through his mind everyday especially when he was at conventions like the upcoming weekend in his hometown. Thursday night, he was on a plane heading to Dallas when a notification popped up on his phone from (Y/N) posting on Twitter.

“Not next to me.” He mumbled snapping a picture of himself before replying to her Tweet.

He knew where she was off too after they had talked earlier in the day. They were still a thousand miles apart but closer than they had ever been since their friendship had begun. Settling back into his seat, he enjoyed listening to Wayward Stars newest song released that week.

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hskrealm · 4 years

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innocence (m.)

pairing: drag racer yoongi x reader

genre: fluff, smutsmutsmut. (this post took a turn i swear)

word count: 3.2k

warnings: overstimulation, PET NAMES SO MANY PET NAMES WHAT WAS I THINKING, fingering, oral (f receiving), cute shit, virgin!reader, yoongi is a bit persuasive, etc.

summary: your best friend wants to take your innocence in every possible way.

a/n: i wrote this MONTHS ago, and i literally forgot about it up until yesterday, or sometime before that? i was sad because I deleted it, but my bby @bitchyaus reblogged it after i posted it, and i have NEEEEVEEER been happier.

You hummed as you sat on your couch while scrolling through your social media feed and taking small bites of your favorite snack every now and then.

It was only 7:09. You’d usually find something to occupy yourself every day until 8:00 on the dot (although he’d come early sometimes, but that wasn’t often), which was when Yoongi would come knocking on your door with a new story to tell and to raid your fridge of whatever he could find.

If necessary, you’d tend to the few bruises his beautiful face would sport.

Once he was comfortable enough to tell you what his occupation was, you cringed the moment you imagined him sitting behind the wheel of a vehicle, pushing 200 to nearly 300 miles on a daily basis.

You begged him to consider something safer, to which he responded with a small smirk,

“I’ve been doing this years before I even met you. If I’ve managed to keep myself in good condition for this long, then I’m sure that you have nothing to worry about.”

This had become a repetitive cycle in the short year that you had known him. He’d shoot you a text before he went out for the day, and come speeding back to your place once he was let off of work.

Or–when he let himself off, rather. He never really was the type to follow rules anyway.

You smiled fondly at the thought of seeing his gummy smile sometime in the next hour.

You checked your phone again.

7:14.

Well, 46 minutes to be exact.

You sighed and tossed your head back against the couch cushions as you tried to register what about this man had you so whipped for him.

Could be the fact that he was a sweetheart when it came to you,

Or it could also be the fact that he looked so fucking hot driving those cars despite how much you hated seeing him behind the wheel.

Or, it could be that he had really, really pretty hands–

There was a loud knock at your door. It carried the same loudness that Yoongi’s carried.

Okay, you have really got to find yourself a hobby.

The person knocked twice, and then there was a three second pause before the last and final knock came.

You grinned as you rushed over toward the door.

There was his signature knock that he had given himself sometime a few weeks ago.

He suggested that he should have a special knock so you knew it was him, although you told him multiple times that no one other than him or your best friend came to visit.

He still wouldn’t let up even then, muttering something about how it would be the safest measure. You then (jokingly) proceeded to tell him he knew nothing about safety, which led him to tell you about all of the safety precautions people in his profession must take before even considering driving one of those high speed cars.

He couldn’t take a joke, but that was alright. You loved him anyway.

You took a quick glance through the peephole just to make sure it was him before you unlocked the door.

As usual, he rushed in and threw his bag to the ground before making a beeline to your kitchen.

“Nice to see you too.” You smiled a bit, closing the door back and locking it behind yourself.

“I shouldn’t have to greet you anymore when I enter.” He spoke, although his voice was a bit muffled since he was bent over as he shuffled through your fridge.

“It’d be nice, though.” You sighed dramatically as you walked back over to your couch and flopped onto it.

“Sure.” He shrugged, returning from the kitchen to take his spot next to you on the couch as he always did.

“Hello, Princess.” He smirked, laughing at the way you rolled your eyes and looked away from him.

He’d called you that for forever now, and you’d be a terrible fucking liar if you were to say that it didn’t make your pussy clench.

He knew that it did, too, which was why he said it.

“Did you do something productive today?” He asked, as he took a bite out of one of the strawberries out of the bowl that he quickly prepared for himself.

“I did some school work earlier.” You shrugged, gesturing toward your closed laptop that sat on the arm of the couch closest to you.

He hummed, nodding approvingly.

“Good girl,” He noticed the way that your body shivered at his praise. He always talked like this, but for some reason it was really having an impact on you right now.

“Have you eaten something filling today?” You bit your lip.

You hadn’t had a ‘meal’, but you had some pretty filling snacks. You just weren’t in the mood to cook anything, or even order something.

There was no point in lying to him either, because he could see right through you.

“Depends on what the word filling means.” You responded, as if this wasn’t a question that he asked you everyday.

Yoongi narrowed his eyes at you and set the bowl of strawberries down on your coffee table before quickly reaching over your thighs to grab the bag of chips that you had been snacking on before his arrival.

His hand brushed over the exposed skin of your legs, causing you to gulp. He was always a forward person, but never this forward.

“This isn’t a meal, ____ . “ He scolded, and you rolled your eyes.

“I know, but I can promise you that I am satiated.” Yoongi shook his head in disbelief.

“You hungry?” He asked, cocking his head to the side as he stared into your eyes with his arms crossed.

“Nope.” As if on cue, your stomach growled.

“Mhm.” He mocked, handing you the bowl of strawberries before standing up.

“What are you doing?” You asked, confused as to why he was suddenly up on his feet.

“I’m about to cook you something, little girl.” He rolled his eyes as he walked into the kitchen.

“Yoongiiii-“

“In the mood for pasta? You’ve got all of the ingredients I’d need to make you some alfredo.” You groaned.

“My stomach growls all the time! I’m not hungry, I swear.” He was already pulling out pots and pans from your cupboards as your voice went through one ear and out of the other.

“Suck on those strawberries with those pretty lips of yours while I cook this, hm?” He said, leaning against the kitchen counter with his elbows resting against it.

“I don’t want the straw–”

“I already put the noodles in the pot, so you’re shit out of luck.”

———

Yoongi had been in the kitchen for half an hour while you caught up on your favorite Netflix series.

You should’ve just lied and said yes. He was going through way too much trouble for you.

“Alright,” He began, as he finally left the kitchen.

“Should be good to eat in a few minutes.” He slid back onto the couch.

“Mind if I use your laptop to check my stats? I’m sure they’ve gone up.” He bragged. You playfully rolled your eyes and handed him your laptop, before directing your attention back to your TV.

Yoongi began typing away for a few minutes, until his fingers paused, his eyes grew wide, and he choked on air.

“What? Those stats not what you expected them to be?” You laughed, Yoongi turning his head to look at you before clicking on a tab at the top of the screen and pushing the laptop in your direction.

“What– Oh my God, give me that!” You yelled, Yoongi easily fighting off your efforts to grab the laptop away from him by shoving his arm against your chest.

“Are these your nudes?” He asked, although it was painfully clear that they were.

Yoongi smirked at the way you began to blush profusely.

Holy shit, you were going to die of embarrassment.

‘Play it cool.’ You thought to yourself.

“Yeah? So what if they are?” You used this opportunity to snatch the laptop away from him and close the tab, before shutting the laptop off and setting it on the coffee table where the empty strawberry bowl was.

Yoongi raised an eyebrow, taken aback by your response.

“Clearly you don’t seem to mind.” You smirked, gesturing to the bulge forming in his pants.

He dropped the smirk on his face as he inched closer to you. You reflexively backed away from him.

“You talk pretty big for a virgin, sweetheart.” He growled. Your stomach fell to the bottom of your ass at his words.

You weren’t sure of what to say.

“Uh, I never told—“

“You’d be surprised of what you tell me when you’re drunk.” He reached forward to twirl a strand of your hair around his pointer finger before tucking it behind your ear, as if he had done this to you before.

“Since we’re letting secrets go, you should know that I’ve thought about fucking you plenty of times.” He hummed, as he traced your jawline with his fingers.

“You haven’t got any idea of what thinking about stripping you of your innocence does to me, sweetheart.”

Your chest began to rise and fall rapidly.

“I know that you’d let me, too.” He slowly pushed you backward until your back hit the couch.

“You would let me, wouldn’t you?” He looked into your eyes, waiting for your approval before he took anything further.

You thought about it.

Did you really want to lose your virginity to this sexy drag racer that you’ve grown to become best friends with over the past year?

Hell yes.

“Yes, yes I’d let you.” You stuttered, causing him to groan at your admittance.

He was going to corrupt you more and more day by day before you even realized it.

And fuck, he couldn’t wait.

“Hmm.” He hummed against your skin, as he nudged your head to the side so he could expose the skin of your neck.

He quickly began to suck love bites against the skin, eager to cut straight to the chase in order to get a taste of that perfect cunt that was spread wide in that picture.

“How far have you gone, baby?” He asked, as he tugged your shirt up over your chest and kissed his way around your breasts.

“I–I’ve, fuck,” You moaned, as he sucked one of your nipples into his mouth.

“I’m sorry, you’ve done what?” He mumbled against your hardening bud. You whimpered.

“I-I’ve masturbated with a toy.” Yoongi detached his mouth from your nipple.

“That’s all?” You nodded shyly.

“Fuck, you’re going to be the death of me.” He hungrily kissed down the rest of your body, stopping right above the band of your shorts.

“I’ve got to taste you to get you prepared to take me. Is that alright?” He wasn’t lying. It would help you adjust to his size a bit easier, but it was mostly for his own personal pleasure.

You nodded, and he wasted no time in tugging down your shorts and panties in one swift motion.

“Oh my God.” He nearly whimpered at the sight of your untouched pussy. You began to close your legs as he stared down at your most intimate areas, which prompted him to roughly throw one of your legs over the back of the couch so you were forced to keep yourself spread for him.

“Don’t ever do that again.” He warned. You nodded, murmuring an apology as he laid himself flat against the couch and pulled your hips closer to his face.

He breathed shakily against your core. You began to writhe in his hold as his cool breath hit your exposed pussy lips.

“Are you sure about this, baby? We could stop this at any moment.” He asked for the final time. It made you smile that he continued to ask you if this was really what you wanted.

“I’m sure. Please–oh, shit!” You yelped. Yoongi hadn’t even let you finish your sentence before he had his lips wrapped around your clit.

Your hands hesitantly tangled in his hair, as you were uncertain if he was okay with you touching him or not.

He sensed your hesitation and moaned in approval as you testingly tugged at his blonde locks.

His moan vibrated against your core, causing you to buck your hips up toward his face.

He grunted at this, using one of his arms to pin you down to the couch by your stomach, while his other arm pushed your flailing leg away from his face so he had more access to his meal.

“So good, baby. So fucking good,” He growled into you, his cock growing harder underneath him as more of your juices began to gush onto his face.

You didn’t know how it was possible, but he managed to pull you even closer to him as he licked a long stripe from your dripping hole back up to your clit, before he dipped his tongue inside of your clenching cunt and (quite literally) fucked you with his tongue.

You were a mess above him, your hair matted and stuck to your sweaty forehead as you relished in the feeling of his tongue collecting every drop of your arousal.

“‘M gonna cum, so fucking close, please please–” You begged him with your eyes closed. He took a glance up at you, wanting to watch you come undone on his tongue.

“SHIT!” You screamed, the euphoric bliss of your first orgasm knocking the wind out of you.

Yoongi hummed and pulled his tongue out of you, slipping two of his fingers into his mouth before lining them up with your cunt.

“You with me, babygirl?” He asked. You opened your eyes so you could see him, but you immediately closed them again ad he slid his digits into your wet hole.

“Ughh, oh my fucking God!” You let out a broken moan, tears welling in your eyes from the overstimulation.

“Hey, you’re okay, hm? I need to make sure you’re as comfortable as possible if you’re still willing to take my cock.” His words were caring, although there was a bit of cockiness behind them, almost as if he knew that you still would be in at least some pain from the stretch.

The thought alone excited him.

“Just a little bit more, okay? Hold out for me.” You were about to protest, when he pressed his hand against your lower stomach and began to piston his fingers in and out of you like a machine.

He curled them perfectly against that little spot inside of you that had your eyes rolling toward the back of your head, and your toes curling in pleasure.

Your mouth fell open in a silent scream as you came for the second time within a five minute span.

Yoongi left you to yourself for a moment as he hastily tugged his jeans down, not wanting to waste time to pull them off completely.

He was so eager to have your little cunt pulsing around him.

He fished around in his back pocket for a condom. He was thanking himself mentally for forgetting to take it out the last time he wore those jeans a few weeks ago.

“Could you be a doll and roll this on for me, baby?” He tore the wrapper open with his teeth and quickly tossed it aside as he handed you the slippery thing.

You took it with shaky hands, still not completely over your last two orgasms as you gently grabbed his cock and spread the condom over it.

“Oh, fuck.” He growled, the feeling of your little hand spreading over his throbbing dick enough to make him cum right there.

He desperately needed to be inside of you.

He grabbed his cock and began to rub circles around your clit, the small action making you gasp for air because of how sensitive you already were.

“Think you can still handle me?” You looked up at him. He wasn’t smirking, but you could hear the smirk in his voice.

“Mhm, j-just please, be gentle.” You whimpered, and Yoongi nodded as he lined himself up with your entrance.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

For now.

He pushed just the tip into you, instantly catching your lips with his to prevent any sound of discomfort from leaving your mouth.

“Ready for some more?” He asked sweetly, as he pressed his forehead against yours. You winced, but nodded anyway.

He pushed the rest of his cock into you inch by inch, attempting to nullify the pain a bit by leaving kisses along the side of your neck and jaw.

“You’re taking me so well, ____.” He sat still for a moment, letting you adjust before he rocked his hips slightly.

He looked at you for approval, and when you nodded once he began to set a slow, steady rhythm with the pace of his thrusts.

“‘M not gonna last long, baby. You’re squeezing me so tight, I can barely fit my cock through.” You weren’t sure what it was about the way that he was talking to you, but it just made you clench around him even harder as he began to pick up speed.

“I need you to cum with me, Princess. Can you do that for me?” You nodded eagerly, already on the brink of insanity.

He licked his thumb and brought it down to your clit. You squeaked, and he grunted above you as he tried to ease himself inside of you without hurting you.

“Now, cum now.” He ordered, his arms shaking as he held himself up above you to prevent from collapsing on top of your chest.

You came with your mouth held open in a silent moan, your legs spasming around Yoongi’s waist as he slowly pulled out of you.

The corruption was only beginning.

“Hungry? I’m sure the food is plenty cool now.” You laughed breathlessly at his lame joke, as you covered your face with your hands while trying to catch your breath.

“I’ll go grab some for you, but I’ve got a question for you first.” He paused. “No, wait, two actually.” You glanced at him.

“Go for it.” You said, voice hoarse.

“Would you let me take you out sometime? I mean, on a real date?” You scoffed.

“I thought you were going to ask me to be your girlfriend or something.” You laughed. He scratched the back of his neck sheepishly.

“I was.” You froze.

“I backed out, though.”

“I mean, I would’ve said yes.” He snapped his head toward you.

“You would have?” You nodded, a small smile on your face.

“In that case, will you be my girlfriend, then?” You giggled at his shy demeanor, a complete 180 from how he handled you just a few minutes ago.

“Yes, I will.” He leaned down to peck your cheek.

“My last question...”

“Yeeeees?” You encouraged him to continue.

“Why are your nudes on your laptop anyway?”

“I hate you.”

tag list! let me know if you want to be on it. (you could send me a message, an ask, or just comment under this fic)

@bitchyaus @dontaskshhhhh @taesluttt @1-in-abillion @designjet @peachy-bhun @patpus @koracynthia120 @safi4x @lcnycto @someonewhowannadielol @dreamingsmile @rinastylesworld @fan-ati--c @sincemalik @bts-bay-bee @cestlaviecia @jeonjungkookiiee @bunny-kix03

#blkjmn #bts smut #yoongi smut #yoongi fluff #yoongi x reader #yoongi imagine #yoongi au #min yoongi smut #min yoongi fluff #min yoongi x reader #min yoongi imagine #min yoongi au

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dreamescapeswriting · 4 years

Text

Unplanned Outcome ~ PJM & JHS [Request] [Part Two]

↬↬↬ Part One [M]

↬↬↬Word Count: 6.1K

↬↬↬Genre: Angst, fluff?

↬↬↬Pairing: Jung Hoseok x Fem!Reader

↬↬↬A/n: This was written before anyone even saw part 2 so I hope you guys enjoy this

This was just going to be a flying visit, that was what you kept repeating over in your head nothing was going to keep you there. In and out. No one would have to know you were even in town and it would be fine, everything would be fine and you had nothing to worry about.

"Here darling, take this." You whispered to your daughter as she held out her hands for the fake keys you were holding out for her to take, she giggled at you and began chewing on the teething ring she was holding. It was her favourite teething set that you'd gotten her for her 2nd birthday a couple of months ago, 2 years. It had been that long - well 2 years and 8 months since you left Seoul and this was the first time you were driving back through. Coming back to the city you'd left for a good reason.

"State your business here please," The man at the toll booth said as you handed him the money and waited for your ticket you knew this was his job but he could have at least smiled about it,

"Family visit, leaving Sunday." You knew you had to be brief with them, they didn't care what you were doing they only cared if you were staying or leaving. His eyes lit up when he heard your daughter saying something in the back of your car,

"Cute kid," You smiled in the mirror at your daughter who was now falling asleep with her mouth wrapped around the fake keys.

"She is," You whispered thanking him for the ticket and driving further down the motorway in the direction of a gas station, you were running low and wanted to stock up on fuel before you got to your mums' place - she was the one forcing you to come back after all. She'd gone on a huge rant that it wasn't fair about keeping you and your daughter out of Seoul without anyone getting to see her despite your counter-argument about how they could come to you anytime they wanted to they just didn't want to.

Passing through the city everything began to seep back into your memories, everything you'd managed to push off and ignore for the last 2 years and 8 months of being out of there. Black and white images flashed through your head like a silent movie about the nights you'd spent lying to Hoseok and going to secret spots with Jimin, even all the memories you shared with Hoseok over the years.

"You're going to love halmeoni's." You'd been trying to speak a little Korean around her since she was part Korean you wanted her to know about her heritage and language. She stared at you in the mirror trying to say the word but she was struggling with it and you smiled softly at her she was only young but you still talked to her as though she was going to speak back to you in coherent sentences.

"She's got this huge sandpit in the back garden and she's convinced your aunties to bring their sons around, you'll love them I promise." She'd only ever been around other kids when she was in nursery and daycare and this was the first time she was ever going to meet anyone else that was family. No one had come to see you when you gave birth because they were all so busy with their own things to get out of Seoul and find you plus you'd told your mum not to come out, after the birth you didn't want anyone to come near you. It had been one of the worst moments in your daughter's life.

Sooyoung was walking past the gas station when she could have sworn she saw your car pulling out of it and getting ready to move onto the main road in the direction into town, she stayed still on the path watching from afar wanting to see for sure that it was you - she didn't want to be the one to cry wolf if it wasn't really you inside of the car. But the number plate was the same and as soon as your car pulled onto the main road her mouth dropped open it was either you or someone that looked an awful lot like you.

Sooyoung: [10:45 AM ] I think I just saw Y/n...She's back in Seoul? Did she call you?

Hitting send she waited patiently for Jaein to get back to her. All of them had been worried sick since the moment you left town, spending countless days trying to contact you. Hoseok went to your parents but they had no idea you'd even left Seoul. He spent months trying to track you down but it was clear you didn't want to be found, your number had been deactivated, your mother told Hoseok to stop looking and you'd deleted all forms of social media not wanting to be reached by a single person. It was clear you didn't want to be found so they all gave up - everyone except for Jimin and Hoseok. Jimin convinced everyone that he was going to keep helping his Hyung but Sooyoung knew there was something else keeping him going, no one was ever that motivated to find someone without there being something there but after a few months Jimin dropped everything. It was like he didn't even want to know who you were anymore, he even stopped speaking to Hoseok who never gave out hope on you coming back.

Jaein: [10:57 am] Hasn't contacted me? I'll go to my mums and keep an eye out, if she's back she'll go to her mum. Don't tell Hobi. He's only just getting through things.

They both agreed to wait until there was concrete evidence that you were back in Seoul, Jaein had lived across the road from you like kids and was going to sit out in her window all day if that's what it took to find out if it was really you Sooyoung had seen. It had to have been though there was no one else it could have been - the same car, the same plates and you even looked like you, you'd hardly changed in the two years you'd been gone though. Your hair had gotten a little longer from what she could see through the car window but other than that there was nothing new about you. Sooyoung stared down at her phone debating calling Hoseok but he'd only just been able to move on from you running away from him. He'd been blaming himself the entire time, saying that he was the one that pushed you to run away as you did. Leaving nothing behind, not even a note to tell him why you were leaving and where you were going if you'd ever come back. It ripped him apart leaving everyone around him to pick up the debris that you'd left behind in your path of destruction. Sooyoung's blood boiled the more she thought about you packing up and living without a word, she hated you for what you did to Sooyoung and she was never going to hide that fact from you.

"Mum, I'm outside, can you come and help us inside?" You asked over the phone as you unstrapped your daughter from her car seat, she was fast asleep which was going to make things easier for you. All you had to do was get her into the house without Jaein's mother seeing you both, she was one of the biggest gossipers on the street and as soon as she knew something everyone would know within hours.

"You're here!" You heard your mother scream and you rolled your eyes she was being dramatic as ever about things so you held up your finger up to your mouth to signal that your daughter was sleeping and that you didn't want anyone to wake her up just yet. Naptime was very little in your household and you were going to let her nap as long as she needed.

"The bags are in the boot of the car, I'll take her inside." You whispered picking up your daughter and carrying her up the driveway and into the house where you were greeted by your aunties all wanting to get a peek of your daughter but you held her closer to you and walked in the direction of your old room. Your mum had already put up a small crib for her to sleep inside of while you stayed with her.

Jaein: [11:30 am] It's her but there's something you have to know, let me call you...

She'd watched the whole time, the moment your car pulled onto the driveway she was in the window watching. Your mum came out with her arms spread wide but stopped once she saw you do something, you were clutching something in your hands when you got out of the car and when you turned towards the house that's when Jaein saw the baby clutched in your arms, Jaein was too far away to be able to determine the age of the baby but as soon as she saw you and no one else in the car she knew the baby was yours.

"Are you sure? It could have just been one of her cousins?" Sooyoung didn't want to assume that you'd run off to have a baby and not told anyone, it could have been any number of reasons,

"No, her mum looked like she hadn't seen her in years and then they took bags into the house. I'm telling you it's her baby." Jaein was sitting in the window of her old bedroom still trying to see if anything else happened but you were staying inside of the house by the looks of it. It seemed to be a huge family reunion going on since she kept seeing your family pull up and head into the house.

"Do we tell Hoseok?" Sooyoung questioned as she stared down a photograph she still had of you and her in her apartment,

"We don't even know if the baby is his, she's been gone for so long she could have moved on by now, met someone new." Sooyoung hummed putting down the photograph,

"I'll come around to yours and we'll crash the party."

Your mother had you and your daughter sitting in the living room while everyone questioned you on who the father was, something you'd never told anyone because how could you tell them when you didn't know. It was always the same story, it was none of their business and they weren't to tell anyone that you had a child.

"I bet it's Hoseok's and that's why she ran away." You shot a look at your cousin who was sniggering to her husband, you knew they all locked down on you for walking away from the wedding and throwing your life away.

"Why would she run away? I bet she cheated on him." You'd had enough of their snide comments about you and your daughter it was all that had been happening from the moment you'd brought her down for everyone to see. From the way she looked to the clothes you dressed her in, they just liked to nitpick on every small thing so you picked her up from the floor.

"I'm going for a walk." You pushed past your cousins who were now laughing at you as you laid your daughter down in the small pram and began pushing her out of the house, your mother caught your arm before you got to the door.

"You promise to come back this time, don't you?" Her voice was shaking and your heart sank as you realised just how much this had affected her, you'd never thought about it until now. How you'd locked almost everyone out of her life and never gave them a chance to be included on it, you hadn't even sent photographs to your mum. You were so scared she would show someone who would tell Hoseok or Jimin about your daughter,

"I promise. I'm just going to go and get her favourite apple sauce." You whispered leaning up and kissing her cheek before pushing the pram out of the house only to see Sooyoung and Jaein across the road on their way over. They were on their way to crash the party when they saw you coming out of the house.

"Y/n?" You were torn, going back into the house meant facing everyone laughing about you but going out onto the road meant facing them and asking their questions.

"Hi Sooyoung," You swallowed the lump in your throat as you pushed your sleeping daughter down the road and towards them, they were going to keep following you so you might as well get it over and done with to see what they would say.

"Cute kid." You saw no use in lying to Jaein, they both knew when you lied they knew you too well.

"She's mine," You whispered moving the top of the pram away from her face and looking down at her, her being there made you less anxious about this but you knew that this had only just started.

"How old is she?" You glanced at Sooyoung who hadn't even looked at your child, she'd just stood with her hands on her hips staring at you.

"2 years old back in April." You whispered looking away from her, you felt like you were being scolded by a teacher but she held her stare on you regardless that you were looking away from her. She wanted you to feel like this, you had questions to answer to.

"Where have you been? I've been so worried!" Jaein was always the sweeter and more forgiving one of your friends, your daughter began to stir in her sleep and then let out a cry.

"I'm here baby," You whispered bending down to pick her up in your arms and bounce her from side to side, as soon as her eyes opened Sooyoung's facial expression softened looking at the way she clung around your neck the way she did.

"You're good with kids," You laughed as Sooyoung bounced your daughter on her lap, you were sitting on a porch swing with Jaein and Sooyoung as they questioned you. It hadn't been as bad as you thought it would be, you'd thought they would integrate you but they were just asking small questions about what your life was like and what your daughter was like.

"Is she Hobi's?" Sooyoung's voice was stern and you knew that question was coming but you hadn't expected her to be so blunt about it. You had no idea if Jimin had told people what happened between you, you had no idea what any of them had been doing. As soon as you were out of Seoul you deactivated your phone so you couldn't be tempted to call them and fix things over. You didn't want to when you knew there was no going back on what you had done.

"We need to get you back home to Grandma," You forced out a laugh taking your daughter in your hands and laying her down in the pram but Sooyoung wasn't done, you began walking across the road while she yelled at you. Jaein begging her to stop, that things were fine and she didn't need to do this but Sooyoung had no sympathy for you not after what you'd put everyone through.

"Why didn't you just tell him you were pregnant?! He would have loved to be a dad or are you just that heartless?!" The last part got you, you turned around to look at her eyes filled with tears as you finally admitted the one thing that had been holding you down for years.

"Cause there is a very big chance that he isn't her father!" You finally admitted it felt like a weight was automatically removed from your chest as you screamed the words out to her. Jaein stared at you with wide eyes but you pushed the pram back up into your mums' house and shut the door, tears streaming down your cheeks as you finally let out the secret after all these years. You locked the door and your mum came over to you, the house was silent as everyone turned to see you crying.

"Y/n? What happened?" You shook your head at her looking at your cousins who were all intrigued to know what had happened out there to make you this upset.

"Mum-" You couldn't even get through the sentence, you just bent down to pick up your daughter and rushed up to your old bedroom, slamming the door and putting your daughter into her crib.

"I'm sorry baby, here." You handed her the stuffed toys you'd brought along with you, as well as some blocks for her to play with. You sat in front of the crib watching her closely, you were sure she belonged to Hoseok but there was always that fact that she could possibly belong to Jimin and that was the one thing you didn't want.

"I'm sorry your life is so messed up, it wasn't meant to be like this." You whimpered, her hand came through the small bar of the crib to wipe away your tears,

"Mum sad?" You nodded at her and she frowned watching you, she was always so inquisitive about everything happening around her.

"Yeah, darling, mum's sad." You whispered watching as she very cleverly made her way out of the crib before sitting between your legs and resting her head on your chest.

"What's wrong?" You sighed looking down at her, you began playing with her hair as you shook your head telling her that it was nothing.

"Mum's just sad, you're growing up so quickly." You lied putting her hair into two pigtails kissing the back of her head when there was a knock at the door.

"I sent everyone home," You felt bad that your mum had to cancel things because of you,

"They started as soon as you walked away, I won't let anyone talk about my daughter like that but I saw Sooyoung and Jaein." She sat down beside you and laid your head on her shoulder wanting to care for you like you were your daughter.

"You don't have to tell me what happened, you don't have to tell me why you left but just...just let me in. Let me help you." You whimpered hearing her say this to you, you'd locked her out for so long thinking she would think little of you for what happened but she was your mum. She wasn't there to judge you,

"There's something you need to know about her." You whispered wiping your eyes on your sleeve and looking at your daughter.

"Tell me."

The cup in your hand was starting to burn the palm of your hands but it was nothing compared to the scolding you were getting from your mum. You were sitting in the back garden watching your daughter playing on the small slid and the ball pit that was in there. Your mother had gone through the emotions with you, she was angry with you, then sad that you had to go through it alone and back to being angry because of what you'd done to your perfect relationship with Hoseok.

"Does he know about Jimin?" You shook your head and sipped on the coffee,

"Unless Jimin told him, I don't think so." She sighed at you watching as you drank the hot liquid, she took in a deep breath knowing that she was going to have to act like a mother again.

"You have to tell them both-"

"I'm sure Sooyoung already went to tell him earlier." You muttered putting down the mug and going over to your daughter who was calling out for you to play with her in the pit.

"You can't keep something like this from him forever, he has a right to." You knew she was right but it wasn't the right time but you knew it was never going to feel like the right time. Your mother watched as you ignored her and she knew she was going to have to step in and do something about it.

"When do you leave tomorrow?"

"6 pm, why?" You questioned laughing as your daughter went down backwards on the slide,

"I'll make us a family meal. Your favourite?" You nodded at her not looking over at her as you keep your eye on your daughter.

"She's back? For good?" Hoseok asked looking at Sooyoung as she stood at his front door, he hadn't let her inside because he didn't feel like having visitors until he heard you were in town. The moment he heard that he let his guard down and she made her way inside of the house, nothing had changed. There were photos of you all over the walls, he hadn't moved on from you at all and he was still holding out hope that you would come home to him one day that you just needed time to think things over and you would be back.

"There's something you need to know Hoseok, she's not alone." His heart began to beat fast as he thought you'd come home with another man but he could tell by the look on Sooyoung's face that it was something else,

"She has a child." Her mouth ran dry as she debated about telling him how she didn't know it she was his or not. It wasn't her place to tell him any of this but she could already tell that you weren't going to do it any time soon and he had every right to know, especially if there was a chance that that little girl was his.

"A child?" He sat down on the chair behind him shocked, his legs felt like jelly at the thought of him having a child to you.

"Is the child mine?" Sooyoung stayed quiet and he could already tell that she didn't have an idea to the answer of the question, Hoseok's mind went back to all of the time you'd been spending with Jimin and how he thought you'd been cheating on him all those years ago.

"You should go Sooyoung, I- I need to think." She walked out of the house without another word while Hoseok sat there staring at a photo of you on the fireplace, you were smiling brightly in the photo and holding up the engagement ring to the camera, happy about your life future together but on closer inspection, Hoseok noticed something he hadn't noticed before, Jimin. He was standing in the back of the photo glaring at you both in the shot and that was all it took for Hoseok to grab his car keys.

The next day had gone by in the blink of an eye but there was something off, your mother had barely spoken a word to you since you'd walked down the stairs but you put it down to the news you'd told her yesterday about your daughter and the identity of her father.

"Would it be selfish for me to ask you to stay?" Your mother asked as you laid the table, it was the first time she was going to have a full table for the first time in years and she didn't want to say goodbye to that feeling just yet. She'd only just gotten you back and now you were getting ready to up and leave her once again.

"I'm sorry mum, we have a life back home now-"

"You had a life here!" She snapped slamming down a cup on the counter, you looked down at the floor swallowing the lump in your throat.

"I'm going to go and put her in the swings." You whispered looking away from her as she tried to say sorry for her outburst but you left her to it.

"Swings!" You giggled excitedly to your daughter who had been colouring in the living room,

"Swings?!" She screamed dropping the pencils and rushing to your side as fast as her tiny little legs would carry her, she bounced up into your arms and you blew on her stomach as you carried her in the direction of the backdoor.

"She's gorgeous." You heard the familiar voice say, you turned on your heel to see Hoseok standing on the back porch watching you closely. He'd been standing there for ten minutes just watching you both as you pushed your daughter on the swing set, you hadn't changed at all in the years that you'd been away except for the child.

"Hobi." You breathed, as soon as your eyes locked with him it brought back all of the overwhelming emotions you'd left behind, the love, heartbreak and guilt you'd felt towards him all these years coming crashing back like waves to a beach.

"How old is she?" He questioned coming closer to you and her as you stopped the swing from moving, your daughter went to protest until she realised you were no longer alone in the garden.

"2 Years old." You answered blandly looking at him as he stared at your daughter, you knew what he was doing it was the same you had done. He was scanning her for any signs that she was his and not someone else's,

"Jimin knows. I assumed that's who you think the other father is." His tone was harsh and you didn't blame him, what you'd done to him was wrong and you weren't going to hold it against him if he wanted to be mean about everything.

"Hoseok I never-"

"Meant to hurt me? Ruin my life? Runaway without an explanation? Show up two years with a daughter you don't know the father of." You picked your daughter out of the swing set,

"Go to grandma and clean up for the food." You whispered to her tapping her on the head as she rushed past Hoseok, staring up at him as she did.

"How could you do that to her?" You frowned expecting this conversation to be about him and what you had done to him,

"You took her away from her father, you know I would have raised her as my own don't you." You looked down at the floor as he began to stalk his way over to you, it felt like he was the lion and you were the deer he was hunting.

"Hoseok please let me-"

"Explain? I'm waiting for something you can say to make any of this better because Jimin couldn't think of anything either." That was when you noticed his knuckles, they were all scabbed over, your eyes flicked up to his face and you took in his appearance properly. He'd lost weight since the last time you saw him and he had a bust lip,

"You fought him?" You breathed looking at his face and wanting to rush over to him and look after him but he wasn't yours to look after anymore, he wasn't yours to worry about.

"Why? Scared I hurt him?!" He snapped,

"I'm scared you hurt yourself! You've never been good at fighting," You sighed at him and he felt his heart sink as he realised that you still cared for him.

"It was never meant to happen like that-"

"You were supposed to break things off first?" You shook your head tearing up, he had every right to be this mad about it since it was his life you'd ruined by running out on him.

"No. I never wanted to hurt you! Jimin was just-" You let the tears rolled down your cheeks, you'd thought about how this would go a million times but you'd never put into practice what you were going to say to him because nothing would be able to tell him how truly sorry you were and why you had done it.

"He already explained it to me and he's a-" He didn't finish his sentence but you noticed his hands clench up at the mention of him.

"I went to see him and talk about all of this but he just claimed that he didn't care. That all of that was in the past and he was happy now, happy with someone who stuck around and that he'd only been with you for one reason." You blinked at him waiting for the reason, you already had suspicions about it all, after you left you began to piece things together. How Jimin only wanted you once you expressed how happy you and Hoseok were and how he never seemed to care about Hoseok's feelings,

"He was just using you to tear us apart, he didn't want to see either of us happy together." You didn't feel your heartbreak like you thought you would, all you felt was anger towards the one who had used you to break down the man you did truly love.

"What happened between me and him it was just...It was excitement and passion that made me do it and..I was addicted to him but it's nothing now. I didn't love him I didn't feel anything towards him like I did- Do with you." You corrected yourself and he stared at you waiting for you to continue but there was nothing you could possibly say to make things smooth over and be like how they used to be.

"Your mum said she had no idea where you were when you left." You were both sitting on the porch steps talking about everything, you'd spoken about when you left and where you went to with your daughter.

"I just left. I didn't tell anyone Hobi, I knew that the less people that knew the fewer would have to lie to you." You whispered playing with your fingers, he'd been so forgiving throughout all of it and it wasn't fair. You wanted him to scream at yell at you for all of the things you'd put him through but he wasn't like that at all.

"Was anyone with you when you gave birth?" You shook your head thinking about the moment you'd gone into labour with her, you thought it was the Universe getting back at you for what you'd done to Hoseok,

"I think I had instant Karma. I had to give birth in an elevator," You laughed at yourself but Hoseok's eyes filled with concern the moment you mentioned it. No one knew this story, you told your mother you'd given birth in the hospital instead of an elevator in the smallest apartment building you could find.

"Dear god not now!" You screamed clutching the bottom of your bump as you felt your water break, you could have had hours until you had to push but the way the contractions were hitting you you knew it wouldn't be long and you were stuck inside the smallest elevator known to man.

"Fuck! Please!" You whimpered hitting the alarm button inside the elevator, a man's voice sounded through the system but he didn't sound bothered that you were screaming in agony.

"Get me out of this fucking thing before I give birth on this fucking floor!" You screamed at him but he hung up the emergency call and you were left there alone with your bump. You sunk onto your bum holding onto your stomach as you begged her not to come out yet, to just hold on a little while longer so you could get somewhere safe for her to come into the world.

(X)

You weren't ready at all but the man on the elevator alarm told you that there was nothing they could do, the fire department was on their way but the roads were packed thanks to a village-wide power cut.

"You couldn't just wait three more hours?!" You screamed at yourself as you felt the need to push creeping up on you, you spread your legs inside the elevator and laid the jacket you'd been wearing when you got inside.

"P-please." You whimpered to no one imparticular, you just wanted this to go right so nothing would happen.

"Okay...3...2...1." You cried out as you began pushing in the way you'd been told to in all the birthing classes, doing everything you could to remember what all of the teachers had said to you. Hold breath and push, breathe and push all over again.

"I-I can't do this." You whimpered to yourself, you couldn't see what was happening, you didn't know if she was going to come out okay or if she was even turned the right away around.

"You can do this, it's just a couple of more pushes." The male voice was back through the alarm, he couldn't see into the elevator but he'd come back to hear you screaming out.

"C-Can't." Your body felt so weak but you just kept picturing the way she would look in your arms, the male began to tell you how beautiful she would be, how she was going to be so brave like you were being right now. You didn't feel brave, you felt like a failure who couldn't even give birth to her daughter right,

"One more push okay? Just one more and she'll be right there in your arms." You whimpered hearing his words of encouragement, you just thought about how you didn't deserve them but you had to do this for your daughter.

"FUCK!" You cried out pushing as hard as you could one last time until you finally felt her leave your body and start screaming loudly

"You've been raising her alone?" You nodded as you looked through the small kitchen window, she was standing with your mum making cupcakes while you and Hoseok sat to catch up on everything.

"Its a struggle but I manage." You whispered she was worth everything you'd gone through to get her to the place you were at now. You had a stable job, she had a stable school system and you were contempt with your life. You could have been happier if Hoseok had been there but you weren't going to mention that to him, he'd only just found out she even existed.

"I want to help out in any way that I can,"

"Hobi we don't even know if she's-"

"She's mine. I can tell. The smile, the eyes, she's all me." He whispered looking from her to you, you could tell he was serious about this. About being there for her but you couldn't let him do that,

"Hoseok-"

"Please. If you're not sure we can run tests but I assure you that she's mine and even if she wasn't I'd still raise her." His hand was over yours and you stared at them and thought about the way it made you feel. You still had the wave of butterflies throughout your stomach, the spark whenever he touched you and your eyes began to tear up.

"No." You stood up from the steps and moved away from him crying heavily as he was just willing to forgive you like that like nothing has happened.

"You can't- Hobi I broke the trust, I broke everything that happened between us and you're just going to take me back?" He stuttered over his words trying to find something to say, he knew you were right but being with you was what was meant to happen. He was meant to be with you he was so sure of it he was willing to bet everything on it,

"I love you." You sobbed harder and he engulfed you in a hug kissing the top of your head as you cried to him about how he should hate you.

"I did. For a while at least but then I just- Seeing you and her it just made me think about what our life would have been like together," You stared at him, you hated that he was this forgiving over something like this,

"Life isn't a romance novel Hobi...We can't just make up on the spot and think our problems will be fixed." He nodded along to everything you were saying, he knew that but he wanted to put in the effort with you and try.

"I want to try, I want us to be us again." He ran his hand over your cheek and you leant against it, it felt nice to have him like this again but you didn't want to make this a one-time thing.

"W-We have a daughter to think about if we're serious about-"

"I am."

"Then we have to go slow, I can't just introduce you as her father and turn her whole world upside down, we take it slow and ease her into it." You warned him and he nodded along with you, willing to do whatever it took to be with you and his daughter.

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ravenbrenna09 · 4 years

Text

Jij Verliest - Chapter One: Clip #1

master list teaser

...

Zaterdag 9:31

Lying awake in his bed, Robbe could hear the gentle shuffling of the flatshare in the morning.

Across the hall, the adjacent bedroom door opened and closed quietly. The floorboards creaked as someone made their way towards the kitchen (likely Zoë, his tired mind realized). Sunlight spilled in from the bay window in Robbe’s room. Due to the position of his bed against the opposite wall, he was free from the sun’s rays for a little while longer, but he was still wide awake. But the sun shined on everything else in his room; his untouched surfboard tucked behind his dresser, the skateboard against the windowsill. It even managed to touch his desk, positioned in the corner, with his two monitors and game systems, which still looked the same as Robbe left it last night, a little messy and disorganized from his late-night Friday stream.

Laying on his bed while his music lightly played a song that he mostly tuned out, Robbe could still hear the chatter of the growing crowd beneath his window, increasing in volume as time drew on and more and more people left the safety of their apartments to bask in the sunshine. Somewhere near the kitchen, he could hear the distant chatter of Milan and Zoë in the kitchen and the static of the television as someone flipped it on. All around him, the world signaled that it was time for Robbe to drag himself out of bed, to make sure that everything was going as it was meant to, and to get some food before he prepared for his afternoon stream or did some homework for the upcoming week.

But Robbe stayed planted in his bed, his gray sheets twisted around his waist, and twirling his phone in his head, unable to will himself to roll out of the comfort it provided. His alarm clock on the nightside next to his bed flashed bright red numbers—9:31—at him and the chatter in the kitchen had gotten louder. The smell of Milan’s favorite coffee filled the air, wafting into his bedroom, along with the sound of sizzling food as all three of his roommates chattered in the kitchen.

But Robbe just felt empty.

In the past three months, the world had carried on in a way that Robbe expected it to, just moving along on the continuous cycle that life crafted for them. But, somehow, he felt stuck—his feet cemented into the floor as the rest of the world spun around him like a tornado. The reality of the situation is that Robbe was stuck because the world had moved on. His friends had moved on, and they tried to bring him along with them, but Robbe always found himself doubling back, circling back around to the constant in his life that he felt was missing from his new present.

Thomas.

Thomas Martens was Robbe’s boyfriend of a year and six months. While not the first man that Robbe had ever been with, Thomas had been, fundamentally, Robbe’s first serious relationship. All of his other boyfriends (and, in parts of high school, girlfriends) had only lasted a couple of months or less. It was nothing serious, just a few dates here and there, texts, maybe some risky ones, and then they would just split apart. Sometimes, it was mutual. Sometimes, it was circumstantial. Sometimes, it was Robbe’s brain exploding inside his skull. But they’d separate and move past the fork in the road that was the end of the relationship.

With Thomas, it had been his first real relationship. Thomas had met his mother and they had gotten along swimmingly. Robbe had met his family and Thomas’s little sister half-demanded that Robbe would help her with her science homework every time he would come over. All of their friends got along well (with the exception of Jens who, in private, admitted that Robbe could do better). Their relationship was peaceful—some arguments, no fights that shook the walls, and they had even considered possibly moving in together after they reached the two-year mark. Their relationship was almost perfect.

Almost.

Somewhere, the foundation of their relationship had cracked. Robbe could feel Thomas starting to pull away and his job was forcing him to stay at work later and later. It had frightened Robbe, because he had witnessed his father slowly pulling away until he walked out the door and his mother hit the hardest rock-bottom that she ever would. Without really meaning to, Robbe clung a little tighter to Thomas and their relationship. He subconsciously tried to be everything that Thomas needed, but he couldn’t—they weren’t working the same anymore, and so about three months ago, they had broken it off.

While Robbe was still deeply rooted in the epicenter of the twisting tornado of change, Thomas had glided across the gales with an elegant ease that Robbe was jealous of. His ex-boyfriend had moved on, deleting his pictures with Robbe across all social media platforms, and going out with his friends more and more (or, even if he was trying his best to ignore it, at least that’s what his Instagram led him to believe). The only thing that remained of their relationship was the box of Thomas’s things in the corner of his bedroom, spilling with clothes that he had left at Robbe’s, which he still hadn’t come to collect.

The thought of Thomas caused Robbe’s heart to give a frightening squeeze. He closed his eyes, trying to will away the thoughts of their relationship, the moments that Robbe still clung to, the ones that were still at the forefront of Robbe’s mind. But the harder he tried to push them away, the more intense they came back into focus, swirling around in his mind’s eye as if they were happening right now. Thomas coming over after work on Friday to be with him, his gentle kisses when Robbe was stressed about school work, his warm embrace that wrapped around Robbe like a blanket, his-

Knock, knock.

The gentle knock pulled Robbe from his thoughts, bringing him hurtling back into his bedroom, no Thomas in sight, on a quiet Saturday morning. Beneath the crack of the door, he could see someone was standing outside of it. For a moment, he thought about acting like he was asleep, like he hadn’t woken up quite yet so he could lay in bed for another hour, but Zoë spoke up, “Robbe? We made breakfast if you wanted to come to join us.”

“Okay,” Robbe said, hearing the sadness in his voice. He tried to swallow down the bubble in his throat and ignore that it had ever existed. When he spoke again, his voice was clearer than it had been the first time. “I’ll be out in a second.”

“Alright,” Zoë said. He could hear Zoë shift away from the door, the floorboards creaking beneath her weight as she moved away, before she added, “I’ll try to make sure that the boys don’t eat all of the pancakes before you have a chance to get some.”

“Thanks, Zoë,” Robbe said. A smile made its way across his face as he pushed himself off the bed.

Pulling a pair of sweats from his dresser, he quickly slipped them over his boxers. Then, he grabbed his green hoodie from the back of his desk chair and pulled it over his head. Once he felt appropriately dressed—not like it mattered all that much with his roommates who were practically family—he stepped out of his bedroom and softly closed the door behind him. He shuffled to the kitchen, where he found all three of his roommates sitting at the table, talking as they passed food around.

Robbe watched as Zoë rolled her eyes while Milan recounted a story of something or another. Milan spotted Robbe, grinning from ear-to-ear as he greeted, “Robbe!” He jumped to his feet and moved to pull Robbe into a tight hug. It was something that Milan always did; a constant stream of tactile affection without a thought. But today, it felt different. Robbe briefly sunk into Milan’s warm hug, wrapping his arms tight around him. Soon, the older man pulled back, grabbing him squarely by the shoulders and steering him to the table. Milan practically forced Robbe into the only unclaimed chair as he said, “Come join us!”

Zoë was sitting beside his newfound seat, wrapped up in a large grey hoodie with her platinum-blonde hair tied up in a ponytail. After placing two or three pancakes onto a plate, she handed it over to Robbe with a small smile on her face.

“I’d hurry up if I were you. Lucas has his eye on the rest of them and he might just leap across the table and fight you for them.”

The final member of their small little family, and Milan’s cousin, Lucas van Der Heijden, looked absolutely appalled that she would say such a thing. Of the four, he was the one who looked like he had just rolled out of bed with his light brown curls messed up and pointing in all directions. He was wearing a large oversized red sweater that Robbe would bet was his boyfriend’s. Jens was Robbe’s best friend. He would know.

“Hey,” he spoke, pointing his fork at Zoë dramatically. “I am not that bad… and it’s not my fault that your pancakes are to kill for.”

Milan laughed, shaking his head.

Zoë chuckled. Despite his earlier thoughts of Thomas, Robbe could feel a smile form on his lips as he placed the top two pancakes on his own plate. Once he was finished, Lucas made a child-like grabbing gesture with his hands and Robbe reached across the table to place the plate of remaining pancakes in his hands. Lucas grinned brightly at him and began cutting into his food.

“Did you sleep well?” Zoë asked, raising an eyebrow at Robbe. “You were up pretty late last night.”

Robbe shrugged. “Yeah, I got about as much sleep as I could’ve gotten with a late-night stream that ran a little late because I wasn’t looking at the time,” Robbe admitted, taking a bit of his pancake. He turned towards Zoë, who was nodding her head. “Did I wake you up?”

Zoë shook her head adamantly. “No, you did really well sound-proofing your room. I just happened to wake up to go to the restroom and saw that your light was still on.” Robbe nodded, taking another bite of his food. “And I know that you’ve been streaming a lot lately.”

“Don’t worry, Zoë,” Lucas spoke up. “Robbe’s always one to know where his limits lie. In the time that I’ve known him anyway.” Robbe sent Lucas a thankful grin and the blond nodded his head in his direction. Between them, Milan sent them a knowing smile. “But do you feel like skating this afternoon? I don’t know if you’ve been listening to Aaron’s ramblings at lunch but he is absolutely convinced that he’s mastered a new move and he wants to show everyone.”

“Really?” Robbe asked.

“Yeah,” Lucas said, shrugging nonchalantly. “We’ll see if he ends up landing flat on his face or not. Wanna come?”

Glancing down at his food and shoving another bite into his mouth, Robbe thought about his unused skateboard, which had been sitting there since he last went skating by himself a few weeks ago.

Since he started doing late-night streams on Friday nights—one of his many (failed) attempts to push the absence of Thomas from his mind, from his life—he hadn’t been able to attend the Broerrrs Saturday morning skating competitions because he had stayed up too late and needed more sleep. He tried to make up for it by hanging out with them throughout the week, but his new schedule had reduced their time together significantly. That had been on purpose, to have as little free time as possible, so he wouldn’t have to think about Thomas, but it had the unintended consequence of limiting the time he spent with his friends.

“Yeah, I’d love to come,” he said. Robbe could feel the lingering exhaustion that was present in every bone and molecule in his body, screaming at him for more sleep. But missing his friends outweighed his exhaustion. The four of them (five, counting Lucas) had lunch together on campus regularly. But hanging out for the 30-minute lunch before classes started was different than going to the skatepark on Saturday mornings to laugh and have fun.

“Really?” Lucas said with a grin as his bright blue eyes lit up.

“Yeah,” Robbe replied, grinning as well. Lucas’s smile had always been quite infectious. “I’m a little tired and a bit out of it, but I miss going skating with you guys. What time did they want to meet up?”

clip 2 (zaterdag 12:41)

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maiolica-admirer · 4 years

Note

✈️?

Things mentioned in this drabble are direct references to @strickjagger and stuff from last April which is a horrifying amount of time ago.

✈ - An eye-opening memory

Yesterday had been surprisingly exciting in ways that didn’t involve anybody suffering bodily harm which was rather refreshing given the events of previous months, after all who could say no to kicking a door in and giving your former superior a heart attack without a single sword being drawn? She certainly would not and it felt like a just reward earned after everything particularly with the shriek, oh now that is something she will be treasuring for a very long time like a party trick waiting for it’s prime moment to be brought out. With part one of her self-declared mission now completed, the next step was dragging his sorry ass back to Arcadia where he can do something more useful than moping around for weeks on end poking around Facebook for his lost lady love akin to a widow and dumped teenager rolled into one wretched mess of depression. The display was utterly revolting and truly she was doing both him and the world at large a grand favour here by intervening.

At first there were a few delays before anything could get moving partly because she decided before anything was settled on he had to go get himself scrubbed up and free of his stubbly wares while she would abuse the opportunity to enjoy the quaint scenery with a spot of tea in peace. A standard had been set after all having made sure to freshen up a bit with proper food, a shower, clean clothes and enough make up to hide the wretched state that was her condition underneath so quite frankly he should have the basic decency to do the same before setting foot outside. Of course there was a bit of enjoyment at bossing him around like this and with being unlikely to get an opportunity she would never get again, well why not? The next hold up was the particulars of transportation which needed to both balance getting there the fastest while remaining lighter on the wallet thanks to limited funds. These are narrowed down to a road trip causing dramatic groan at the idea of having to spend hours in his company while in close confines for an extended period just to make very clear her dislike at the idea. After that all that was left to do was getting hold of a suitable car that could be conveniently ditched afterwards without giving any wrong ideas to any who found it. She only got more annoyed when her suggestion of hotwiring something was shot down and ceremoniously flipped him off out of petty spite.

With supplies belatedly gathered, coffee to go, something to drive that was a disgusting aqua coloured thing and through flagrant complaining about her (Formerly) broken fetlock they came to a deal that he would take the day shifts and her the nights. There was some gleeful snarking about his habit of vehicles and cliffs which earned a look over the steering wheel and she merely grinned right back while toasting with the disposable cup. So it went on like that with loose banter fired between about innocent topics, a slightly annotated version of recent events now there was no risk of being heard, some reminiscing of older times interspersed with more than a few choice words for bad driving by other parties. The white lines are not optional you idiotic fleshbags stay in your damn lane!

On day two by midday it featured a rather bored Nomura which a very dangerous prospect because basic decency and social decorum tends to go out the window if she has no way to vent her frustrations and had lost interest in talking for the time. The silence becomes a rather ominous thing for the driver who has acquired a crease in his brow because if she is not resting, certain from how she keeps grumbling something, it means she must be plotting something and it is quickly confirmed when there is the unmistakable feeling of the closest pocket being rummaged in.

“Do you mind?” He utters taking his eye off the road a second to glare.

“Not at all,” is the innocent answer while she sits comfortably back in her seat with her prize swiftly being broken into with a few taps because pin codes mean nothing. Getting an annoyed scoff back, he knows trying to take it back will only make it more tempting to hoard thus he is left only to secretly hope she will only stick to the photos and video collection and not find anything potentially compromising or worse, blackmail material.

For a time at least his passenger in question seems content enough to only poke around at what could fall under the first category from how the expressions vary from smirks to mildly grossed out (Not hard to guess what the cause was there) to an aww and even the sound of pure mocking laughter which was something to be grateful for even if there is little doubt she is sending a few to herself to enjoy later. Sadly, all good things come to an end and always far too soon, the loud humming suggests investigations have begun for anything else that could catch her wavering interest while a finger flickers this way and that. Suspicions are quickly confirmed with the following remark.

“When was the last time you bothered to clear out your damn voicemail?”

“Not recently enough apparently, if you insist on looking please don’t delete anything.”

“A tempting idea but sure, there is a disgusting amount of your precious lady love in here anyway.”

“… Shut up, Nomura.”

She flashes a vicious grin his way without any shame whatsoever then proceeds to hold the phone close to that side of her face after pitching the volume a touch lower for that ironic privacy vibe while checking what tempting things that have been left ready to be found. The dates are as erratic as the time sent with the more mundane often during the day from who she presumes are his former school colleagues, one from her even which comes as a surprise given it is bragging about getting a gift through customs (A sword if she recalls correctly) and a few coded ones she had little interest in deciphering. Then there was a few with the good Doctor that skirted just close enough to flirty they were stopped pretty quickly with a near shriek and another finger shown his direction for the chuckle her undue suffering caused. It was strange how the newer ones still marked with her name simply mentioning coffee? Hm, something to prod about given they’d been left for listening to over and over while being depressive.

Then there was one sitting there right at the top that hadn’t been listened to once that just screamed click me.

“Awww did you and our favourite German asshole have a little spat?”

“A falling out you could say yes, he tried to throw me to the wolves but as you can tell none of them managed to bite.”

“Shame, probably most excitement you had in ages after we were down a troll tantrum thrower. Alright let’s see what our mystery message is because you’re too chicken shit to find out yourself.”

The final message opens with the sounds of heavy breathing of somebody had been running hard but had to keep going, the bangs and clatters of metal being hit or something large being thrown around. Sometimes the faint echoes of what sounded like screaming muffled by a doorway interrupted by a familiar voice sounding utterly defeated yet comforted by the knowing a last testament will be heard.

“You were right, Stricklander. Does knowing that make you happy? Ah well, it turns out we were as disposable to him as we were to one another it seems no matter our plans or great feats we have overcome for a moment of glory none of it meant a thing in the end. Some of us tried to buy as much time as we could what little it was but I can’t say for sure how many managed to make it out… I won’t but I’ve chosen my grave and I think you’d like it-” There is a pause with the sound of movement, of someone yelling in their own tongue before being cut off mid-sentence by a Reaper carved of stone.

“You were truly one of the best of us, mein freund. If you never believed a single thing I’ve said in our long years together please accept that I… I don’t have very much time left. Ah listen to me of all changelings being sentimental on my very own deathbed! Alas I cannot quite pull the same tricks as you being her favourite while we were the abandoned children of the night. If we truly have souls may we meet in the next life and know you still owe me a good bottle of r----”

The message cuts out into static before petering out into nothingness. Silence overcomes the car.

#dreamsarelikedragonflies #All fun and games until someone gets stabbed - memes

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sherlollydramoine · 5 years

Text

I Hate U, I Love U

Warnings: 18+ only, strong language, fighting/name calling/sorta bullying, mentions of cheating, alcohol consumption, and smutty mcsmut smut -- unprotected (wrap it before you tap it, it’s the responsible thing to do)

This is just a piece of fiction and don’t necessarily believe that Rami is truly like this, but we’ll never really know. I got a request, so I wrote it. That is all.

This is combining two requests that I’ve had, one for a while, the other just came in. This is for @lablanchett (sorry darling, that it took me so long to get this one out for you. I had another piece that I’d been working on and I just couldn’t make it work the way I wanted, and then I accidentally drunkenly deleted it- I hope this makes up for it) and @aulile for their requests: Rami and gf fight and have steamy makeup sex, and Rami and gf have a fight and Rami says some mean shit. Hope this fits in with the idea of whatever it was that you both were looking for.

Word Count: 1890, again this is actually just a reallllllly long HC.

“I don’t fucking believe you!!” you yelled.

“Seriously, how fucking stupid are you to not believe it?” he questioned.

“Obviously verrrry stupid, because you can’t make me believe any of it! You’ve lied to me before, how is this any different?” you countered, trying to prove your point.

“When did I lie to you?”

“When you were in London. You fed me some ‘oh we’re just friends’ bullshit.”

“That was different than this.

“How? How is this different? You cheated on me once, why should I believe you now?”

“Goddddd… YN you are such a fucking bitch. I don’t have the fucking time to deal with your temper tantrums today.”

“Then don’t. I’m gone. You’ve lied, lied, lied, and I’m fucking done!”

“Fine! But you’ll regret this if you walk out that door!”

“I don’t give a fuck anymore Rami, I don’t! I’m tired of being the faithful, loyal servant to you… or shall I say to you, your fucking royal highness. That Oscar win did sure go straight to your fucking head. You’ve become the ‘I can do whatever I want because I’m rich and famous’ type that you always said you hated.

“YN, seriously?”

You stormed off in the direction of your bedroom. You refuse to put up with this shit any longer, you need to escape, to get away and start fresh somewhere.

He followed you into your shared bedroom where you were grabbing a suitcase out of the closet and began chucking random items into it.

“So you’re really leaving me, is that it?”

“What the fuck does it look like. I told you that I’m done, so I’m fucking done.”

His demeanor completely changed, his body stiffened, his mouth set in a hard line, when he turned on his heel and stormed out of the bedroom, slamming the bedroom door in his wake. You watched a picture fall off the wall and shatter into a million pieces on the hardwood.

You could hear the garage door open, followed shortly by the sounds of his car tires squealing out of the driveway.

You almost broke down in tears, but you had to stick to your guns. You weren’t actually entirely sure that he had done what you had accused him of, but you couldn’t handle the stress that being with him entailed anymore. And you couldn’t take back any of the hurtful words that you spat out.

You love him, very deeply, but sometimes he makes your blood boil.

Throwing whatever other random shit you think you might need, you slam the suitcase shut and zip it closed, you take off to the garage, get in your car and you certainly don’t look back

It took you a solid twelve weeks to stop crying, but eventually the hurt turned into more of a constant dull ache. It had been over seven months now since you’d seen him, and since then you’d flourished at work, gotten the promotion that you’d been working towards, and had made a bunch of new friends.

You still talk to some of your old friends, the shared friends, but most of the communication with them died the moment you shut down all of your social media accounts.

Life was great for you, even though the hurt was still there, and despite the fact that you were living in a tiny ass shithole apartment in a shit part of LA, you were happy. You told yourself you didn’t need him, and you believed it

You had closed all your social media accounts, and turned off any and all notifications that came up with his name on your phone. You’d changed your number, and blocked his just for good measure. You did this for your sanity.

Your boyfriend was famous and you didn’t want to see all the shit that was being said about you online. You two had plenty of naysayers online and it would have dealt a crippling blow to your mental health.

So you honestly avoid using the internet at all, unless it’s necessary.

It was when you were nearing the eight month mark in your breakup that you saw him for the first time since you’d left.

You were out for drinks with some of your friends, who were at that moment in time giving you shit for not being on any social media, when you saw him.

You fought the urge to run and you kept your head down, not allowing yourself to openly stare like some of the others around you. Though you couldn’t help but notice that he looked kind of like shit. He seems as if he’d aged dramatically in nearly eight months, he looked too thin, and very worn down.

It was your turn to buy the round of shots so you made your way to the bar, standing on the opposite side from where he was sitting, occupying one of the stools.

You thought you’d remained out of sight until you heard a familiar voice behind you say your name.

You sighed audibly and turned around, ready to fight if necessary. You’ve done well without him, not sure you could say the same for him though.

“Yes?” you snipped, turning around to face the one person that you really didn’t want to deal with.

“I thought that was you. Wow, you uhhh… you look good.” You knew you did, but you couldn’t say the same for him.

“Looks like I can’t say the same about.” you replied.

“Wow. You still are that same feisty woman that I knew and loved.”

“What the fuck do you want Rami? How can I help you tonight? I’m out with some friends and it’s just my turn to get the drinks.”

“I don’t want anything. I just wanted to tell you that I miss you is all.”

“Rami, I miss you too, every day. It took me three months to stop crying, and I really wanted to apologize for everything I said that day, but I can’t take it back and I’m not sure I want to.”

“I wanted to apologize to you too, and to tell you that you weren’t wrong. The things you accused me of doing. I did cheat, and I got caught. I tried to lie, but I should have known better.”

You suddenly felt as if you’d been hit in the stomach and all you wanted to do was cry.

“Thank you for finally admitting to the truth. I appreciate it. Look…. Oh God.. I’m going to regret this, but I’ve changed my number and I’ve blocked your old one. Is your number stilll the same?”

“No.”

“Give me your phone.” you demanded.

He doesn’t hesitate as he hands you his phone, you still remember his unlock pattern, so you swiped it and went into his ‘CONTACTS’ section. You entered your name and new number.

“Please Rami, don’t make me regret this.”

He smiled, a genuine toothy smile, the same one that he was famous for as he took his phone back.

“Can I give you a hug?” he asks.

“Sure I guess, why the hell not.”

He wraps his arms around you and squeezes tight, probably tighter than he should have, but you breath him in and a flood of memories came rushing back. The good, the bad, the truly ugly; you just wanted him back.

“Thank you” he says, with a smile.

He didn’t make you regret your decision to give you his number and over the next five months you’ve slowly allowed him back into your life. You’ve not been intimate but you’ve remained good friends. He slowly started to look healthier again, less gaunt and looking much more like he used to before you had left him.

One day mid-September you suddenly started to feel really sad, and then you remembered. Your anniversary. You two would have been celebrating five years together.

You randomly call Rami and to see if he was available to come over, in which he stated that he was. You were nervous as he’d never actually been to your place before. It certainly wasn’t what he had become accustomed to over the past few years. This place was a dump.

When he finally showed up, he just slowly walked around your apartment, not really commenting unless it’s a casual,”I like what you’ve done with your space. It feels so homey and so very you.”

He appeared oblivious to the reason for your sudden need to see him, and with an urgency you didn’t expect you pounced on him.

He was caught off guard by your sudden grip on his collar as you pulled him to you which resulted in him nearly tripping over the rug you had on the floor in your living room, your lips crashing into his with a force that almost made your teeth clash together.

Lips locked in a heated kiss, that had you whimpering with need in no time. You could feel him erection straining against his pants.

Moving towards your bedroom and wasting no time in shedding clothing, both of your hands going everywhere before his find out core, his fingers working their magic on you as you bucked your hips furiously against his hand. Your moans filling the small room.

You came around his fingers with a cry of his name.

Looking up at him, silently begging, you felt him line himself up with your entrance as he slide into you roughly.

His hips pounding into yours, fucking into you with an animalistic urgency.

“OOOOHHHH GODDDDD YESSSSSSSS RAMIIIIIIIIII RAMIIIIII” you screamed

The bed rocking violently, headboard banging into the wall, like a beating drum

Your hands clawed at his back, and your hips moving in time to each others thrusts

“YESSS YN...THATS MY GIRL… CUM BABY… CUM FOR ME” he moaned

His hands on your hips holding you steady as your walls began clenching around him for the second time that night,

With another scream of his name, you came undone, body quaking, as you felt his cock twitch and he followed shortly with a shout of your name as he spilled his warm essence into you.

He collapsed on top of you, both of you just tangled together a sweaty panting mess

“That was the best possible makeup sex ever” he laughed into your hair.

“Yeah, like thirteen months later.” you pointed out, before somehow dissolving into a fit of giggles.

“So, what brought this on?”

“It would have been our five year anniversary in a few days, and I was sad. I decided that I wanted you back. You’ve proven to me that you’ve changed, and I still love you. So… can we almost pretend that these last thirteen month never happened? Do you really want me back Rami?”

He never said yes or no, instead he captured your lips in another kiss before he mumbled,”Give me a few minutes, and then we can really piss off your neighbors.”

You just giggle again, snuggle into his chest and tell him that you are happy to oblige, as you hate your neighbors. Because at least three times a week they have really loud fights, intense fights followed by what sounds like really intense makeup sex themselves. So that can’t even begin to judge you for getting laid in the year that you’ve lived here.

@txmel @xmxisxforxmaybe @itsme690 @mrhoemazzello @ramimedley @free-rami @r-ahh-mi

#Rami Malek #Rami Malek Reader #Ramie Malek Smut #Rami Malek Headcannon #Rami Malek Imagine #Rami Malek Blurb #Rami Malek fanfiction

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thatscalledtoughlove · 4 years

Text

Didn’t Want to Fall in Love - 3: Mr. Handsome Makes a Reappearance

“For the millionth time, I am fine!” Tony shot me a glare from the bar-stool he sat on, swatting my arms away when I tried to hug him. “If you tell anyone about what happened, I’ll kill you.”

I sighed, setting a plate of French toast down in front of him. He stabbed it with his fork. I sighed again.

“Look, if you want to talk about it, I’m here for you. You’re my platonic life-partner, remember?”

His lips twitched, and I could tell he was trying his best not to smile. “Have you ever considered the two of us? Together? As in, an actual couple? Not that being your platonic life-partner isn’t amazing.”

“Us? A couple? That would mean sharing a bed with you, and you hog the sheets. It would also require us to kiss and stuff. Ew.” He shoved me, and I laughed. “In all seriousness though, nah. I don’t even know why we kissed all those years ago.”

“I’ve just been terrified at the thought of what happened to my uncle ever since I heard about the accident.” Tony’s playful grin faded away and he glanced at me. Some of his hair fell into his eyes and I pushed it back. “It’s crazy to think about how much one accident can change someone’s life. And now he’s got a granddaughter and he can’t even really play with her because of his condition and—I don’t know, it just weighs down on me.”

I stood from my seat, pausing beside him, resting a hand on his bicep. “I’m sure good ole Uncle Will doesn’t want you to mourn over him all the time. Why don’t you give your cousin a call and see how things are going? I’m sure he’d like to have a conversation with you.”

Tony shook his head, still poking at the food I’d made him instead of eating it. “I haven’t spoken to Mike since Ella was born almost three years ago. And with another one on the way, I’m sure he doesn’t have time to sit around and talk.”

“Well, while you sit around and contemplate life, I’m off to school. Don’t skip your Asia Pacific Political Systems course again, do you hear me? You better not be here when I get back, Mr. International Business Major.”

I patted him on the back, smiling at the annoyed look he shot my way. He shoved a piece of French toast in his mouth, speaking to me with his mouth still full. “Whatever you say, Mom. I could give you a ride if you want.”

Unlike most people, I preferred to take public transportation. It gave me an opportunity to sit and think about life, daydream, or catch up on reading whenever I could. “It’s fine, I can take the bus. Text me when you’re leaving, okay? We can meet up after class and go to that café where the girl always is.”

The bus was already packed full when I stepped on, forcing me to stand near the front for the entire half hour trip. I thanked the driver when I hit my stop, gripping the straps of my backpack as I walked from the bus stop to the entrance of my college. After my only class of the day, the sociology club had a meeting. It would be the first one I attended in months.

My class focused on criminology. I found myself distracted during the lecture, aimlessly scrolling through social media news feeds. A local BookTuber I’d followed years ago popped up. He was now published, while also still having quite a bit of influence on YouTube. I’d even met him once in passing and hated to admit I’d fangirled a bit inside. Funny enough, he was also the best friend of Tony’s cousin’s wife. It really was a small world.

An elbow nudged me in the ribs and I frowned, looking up from my phone to the front of the classroom, where Professor Jameson had her eyes trained on me. Without a word, she went back to teaching the lecture. Words weren’t necessary. I felt embarrassed enough from the look. The girl who sat beside me gave an apologetic smile for the earlier jab.

As soon as Professor Jameson dismissed us, I ran from the room to the college cafeteria, where the sociology club meeting would take place. I almost had a heart attack when I saw the one person who sat at the meeting table. He’d never attended any meetings before.

Mr. Handsome—Justin—shifted in his seat when our eyes met. I approached with caution, cursing myself for being over-dramatic at the banquet a few nights earlier. No doubt he would call me out on my behavior.

“Hello, Isabelle. It’s nice to see you again.” He spoke with formality, iciness lacing his voice.

I forced a smile. “Hi, Justin. How’ve you been?”

“All right. What happened to you at the banquet?”

Great. Straight to the point. I both admired and despised him for it.

“Um, something came up. I had to run home. Quite literally.” Surprisingly, he smiled at this.

Justin had a wonderful smile. Far more wonderful than Paul, who I still despised for making fun of my father’s decision to take my mother’s surname. He had messaged me on Tinder later that night, but I didn’t bother to answer. I deleted the app without hesitation.

“It’s fine, I shouldn’t have asked you to leave the party with me. But I have to let you know that I wasn’t planning on making any moves. Honestly, it would be nice to have a friend instead of a relationship. I’m more focused on school right now.”

Could it be? Had I ruined a potential friendship by running away?

I finally took a seat beside him, the smile I gave genuine. And nervous. During my three years at college, I’d encountered plenty of people, though none of them ended up as permanent friends. Just classroom friendships. The same went for Tony, but he still kept in touch with our high school friends as well.

“Would it be too late to consider being friends? I’m sorry I ran away from you.” Heat rushed to my face when he grinned, a light chuckle falling from his lips. I continued. “Honestly, the idea of love kind of puts me off. But I would love to be friends with you! The woman I saw in the bathroom said you were a perfect gentleman.”

He grimaced. “That was actually my aunt. Well, we aren’t related by blood, but she’s been my mother’s best friend since childhood. Can I ask why you’re put off by the idea of love? You don’t have to answer, of course.”

“No, no, it’s fine! I had this massive crush on a guy in high school, around my sophomore year, actually, and he turned out to be a total tool. Not only did he reject me hardcore when I gathered up the courage to admit that I loved him, but he also bullied my best friend all throughout high school. It only got worse when he found out we’d had a moment at a school dance.”

Justin looked genuinely interested. “Seriously? Hmm. And what exactly does a moment mean? Is this best friend a guy?”

“You would be correct, he’s a guy. Tony. And by moment, I mean we kind of kissed in front of a bunch of people. Well, no, not really. It was in a corner of the room. No one—Why are you looking at me like that?” I realized a second later that I’d divulged way too much information to him.

Judging from the red in his cheeks, I guessed he wanted to laugh. “You aren’t the type of person who thrives on small talk, are you?”

“Sorry, I’ve always preferred long conversations. Asking someone about the weather has never really excited me.”

“I think that’s great. Hey, since we’ve decided to become friends, do you think you can tell me what your dream job is now?”

I’d almost forgotten about that conversation. “Painter,” I said. “An art gallery owner if I can’t sell my own paintings. What about you?”

He laughed. “I knew you weren’t paying attention on Saturday! My deepest secret is actually that I play violin. I wanted to be a famous violinist when I was younger. Clearly that never happened. I was by no means a child prodigy.”

“You should let me hear your music sometime. I’m sure you’re great.” Considering I couldn’t even sing, let alone play a musical instrument, anyone would probably sound beautiful to my untrained ears. Still, the image of Mr. Handsome also being extremely gifted at music somehow fit.

A deep blush stained his entire face, and Justin glanced around the room before leaning in closer. The rest of the sociology club would be here any minute now. “I have some recordings on my phone if you’d like to hear them. Promise you’ll keep this a secret between us?”

I looked at him with wide eyes, nodding enthusiastically. The violin had always been one of my favorite instruments, right after the harp. He blushed even more, a grin spreading across his face as he pulled a pair of old-school headphones from his bag and plugged them into his phone. The sounds of the other people in the cafeteria faded away, replaced by a violin version of “Amazing Grace.”

As the song drew to a close, I almost had to wipe away a few tears. Justin rolled his eyes when he saw that, but I could tell it meant a lot to him that I’d enjoyed listening.

“What do ya think?” he asked, winding the headphones cord around his left hand. “Was it okay?”

“Okay? That was amazing! No pun intended.” He chuckled, avoiding meeting my eyes. I leaned back in my chair. “Seriously, have you considered uploading yourself to YouTube? That’s the best way to get famous nowadays. The beauty of social media.”

A few people I recognized from other meetings took a seat at the table, greeting us with toothy grins. I smiled back before turning my attention back to Justin. He seemed like a different person, shy and reserved instead of the confident and relaxed man he’d appeared to be at the banquet.

“No, I’ve never thought of that. I’m not exactly the kind of guy people want to stare at on a screen for any amount of time.” He whispered this, eyeing the two girls who sat across from us.

The idea that someone I’d called Mr. Handsome would think himself unattractive was ridiculous. “Trust me, a lot of girls would love to stare at you on a screen.”

Before he could say anything else, the president of our club appeared. She spent the next forty-five minutes discussing volunteer opportunities with the members, urging anyone who had free time to dedicate it to helping out the community. We did all want to dedicate the next few decades of our lives to the people, after all. After the meeting ended, I jumped out of my seat and threw on my backpack. I had to run home and drop off my stuff before meeting Tony at the café.

“Isabelle, wait!” Justin jogged to catch up to me, his honey-blond hair bouncing with every step he took. He was already gasping for air when he reached me. Kind of sad, considering we’d only crossed the one building, but I kept that thought to myself. “Would it be okay if we exchanged numbers? Sorry if I’m being a little straightforward, I just don’t know how else we’d keep in touch.”

It always surprised me when someone asked for my number. “Yeah, sure. We should hang out some time. I actually think I really like you, Justin.”

He smiled again. God, that smile must get him any girl he wanted. “Why thank you, Isabelle. I like you too. Enough to even forgive you for climbing out of a bathroom window to avoid me. I’m kidding,” he added when heat rushed to my face.

“I promise I won’t run away like that again. You aren’t so bad, Mr. Handsome.”

“Mr. Handsome?” But I’d already walked away. He called out to me and I laughed, turning around to face him but continuing to increase the distance between us. “What’s that supposed to mean, Isabelle?”

A few people stared at us. “You’ll find out someday! And just call me Izzy!”

“Until next time, Izzy!”

I waved goodbye, the grin plastered on my face almost painful. After three years, I had finally made a friend. The happiness remained the rest of the day, growing when I met Tony outside of the main building. He gave a surprised laugh when I launched myself into his arms, wrapping my arms so tight around his neck he told me to stop before he suffocated.

“Why are you so happy? Did you sneak off to the bar instead of going to class? If I have to go, then so do you, Iz.”

“Oh, shut up! I made a new friend! Isn’t that great? And you’ll never guess who it is either.”

Tony had to pry me off him, holding me at an arms distance with a raised eyebrow. “Who?”

“The guy I ran away from at the banquet. I know, I know!” I frowned at the incredulous look he shot me. “Turns out he just wanted a friend, too. Ooh, and he’s also a violinist! I’m going to try to convince him to post a video to YouTube.”

“Sounds like you had a rather eventful afternoon.” We started to walk down the sidewalk toward the parking lot, the horrible yellow Taurus standing out amongst the neutral shades of the surrounding vehicles.

I shrugged, scratching my left arm. “Not really, just that one thing. How about you? Are you feeling better now?”

He grunted as a response, sliding into the driver’s seat. I pursed my lips, wondering why the problem was now, but ignored it and climbed into the passenger seat.

“Actually, no, I’m not feeling better,” Tony said as he started the car. “I hate what I’m studying with a passion. If I felt even a fraction of love for business instead of the passionate hate I feel for it, I would be unstoppable. But no, I would rather work at Starbucks than pursue business.”

“Hey, don’t hate on the poor baristas! That job offers tons of benefits, you know.” He realized why I’d taken insult and looked over at me, a nervous grin pasted on his face. I’d been a barista for three years, only quitting my job a little more than a year and a half ago in favor of a summer receptionist job at my father’s own business.

We were at the same spot Tony had almost hit Zack the Waiter when he spoke again. “So, what does this girl you mentioned look like? Is she there every single time?”

“She has light brown hair, and yes, she is. She also checks you out every single time.” It wasn’t a lie, I’d seen her staring at his back whenever he ordered or glancing at his face whenever he walked by. A person would have to be blind not to see she had a massive crush.

“Okay, time to keep up my end of the bargain.” Tony looked like he would rather retreat back to the apartment and check out his matches on the apps, but he still walked into the café without heading straight to the counter like usual.

The girl sat in the corner of the room with a laptop on the table in front of her. She looked up when Tony and I entered, and their eyes locked for five whole seconds. I counted. Of course, she looked away first, the furious blush on her face making Justin’s look like a slight flush.

Because Tony was…well, himself, he didn’t approach her. He decided to go and order his usual chilled hot chocolate instead, glancing at the girl while he waited for his drink. I tried not to snort. I ordered the same drink as Tony, smiling when he chose to take a seat close to this dreamer.

We sat and talked for a bit before deciding it was time to head home. I met Tony’s eyes, silently yelling at him to talk to the girl, who also watched him. He shook his head, the movement so slight I just caught it. Sighing, I stood from my chair and headed to the exit.

The unnamed girl watched us go, a flicker of disappointment shining in her eyes. She noticed me watching and her lips curved up in a subtle smile. I returned the smile, cursing Tony for deciding now was the time he would bail out on our deal.

At least she seemed to forget about us a few seconds later, looking back at her computer and beginning to type away.

“Are you serious?” I resisted the urge to smack him in the head when we got to the car. “Did you not see that? She was waiting for you to talk to her!”

“She probably thinks we’re together, Izzy! Besides, why does the guy always have to make the first move? That’s bullshit.” He started the car, which sounded like it wouldn’t last much longer.

I took a deep breath and released it in a long sigh. He did have a point, as much as I hated to admit it. Girls shouldn’t be afraid to strike up a conversation.

“Let’s just go home and watch a movie or something. I’ll make dinner this time.” I didn’t want to make him feel worse than he already did. “What would you like to eat? Spaghetti? Tacos? A microwave dinner because that’s probably the best chance you have at getting a full meal?”

His mood lifted, and he looked at me with a new grin. “Let’s go for tacos. No offense but your spaghetti sucks.”

“Saying ‘no offense’ does not make it less offensive.”

Tony shrugged, and we spent the rest of the ride home listening to violin covers of popular music. I set to work on dinner when we arrived at home while Tony walked around with his camera and took pictures of random areas of the apartment. He stopped a few feet away from me and told me to smile. I stuck my tongue out instead.

“Are we going to watch another horror? I’m thinking Evil Dead. Not the original, but the remake. The one that actually attempts to be scary. Not that I don’t love the original.” He took his usual spot at the kitchen island, flipped through the pictures on his digital camera.

“Yeah, sure.” I looked down at my phone on the counter beside the stove when a text came in. It was from Justin, asking if I planned on volunteering for any events for the sociology club.

Tony raised an eyebrow when I turned back to him. “What’s that look for?”

“Oh, nothing. I’m just happy that I made a new friend.”

“Mhhm. Are you sure this isn’t going to develop into something more? You did tell me you called him Mr. Handsome.”

“Positive.” He didn’t look like he believed me, but he left it alone.

Tony could think whatever he wanted, I had no intention of developing any romantic feelings for Justin. He would be a new friend, and that was it. I texted back that I was considering it. Justin answered minutes later. For the first time in weeks, I feel asleep looking forward to going to school the next day.

The only concern I had on my mind was Tony and the girl who had a crush at him from the café. But that could wait for another day. First thing was first: I had to delete all the dating apps from my phone without telling Tony. Then, I would do everything I could to get my best friend the relationship he deserved.

#my writing #original writing #writblr #writers on tumblr #original story #q #DWTFIL

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clownbeep · 5 years

Text

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

#trigger warning #triggering #may be triggering #vent #emotional neglect #emotional abuse #suicide #suicide trigger #gore warning #memory problems #ramble #rambles

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virgilsinferno · 5 years

Photo

SPILLR » CHAPTER TWO

important :: this is a horror fic and may contain triggering content

tw :: mentions of a toxic relationship, death mention, nightmares

word count :: 3761

notes :: i may or may not have accidentally deleted this the first time when i tried to open photoshop sdfhdf

intro || 1

Saturday morning. 2:10 am, to be precise. Virgil couldn’t sleep, so he sat on the windowsill and sketched out the view he could see from the window. He did that for a while until he got a craving for some Doritos. Logan’s parents never buy any chips, which meant there were no Doritos lying around in the house. Roman might keep a stash in his room, but they don’t talk as much so that would just be plain awkward. The only way he could get himself a bag of Doritos or two is by going to a convenience store. Alas, the nearest one was a 15 minute walk.

Not to worry, it’s for a good cause anyways—if one could call satiating the need for junk food a good cause. He put on his purple hoodie, moving quietly and carefully as to not wake up Logan. They’re friends. They can sleep in the same room and share a bed if they wanted to.

Endurance was one of his strengths, so he ran to 7-11 to get to the Doritos faster. Upon entering the store, he was greeted by the sound of door chimes. He had already memorized where the aisle with the chips were. Virgil’s movements could be compared to a robot programmed to take a particular path. On the way to the cashier, Virgil also grabbed two cans of Pepsi. One for him, and one for Logan. They had no coke in stock, which was highly disappointing. He paid for the items and opened one bag of chips on the way out.

As he ate his chips, he made sure to chew much more slowly than he’s used to, in case he needs his sense of hearing to get away from danger. That’s the downside of eating anything crunchy when you’re walking outside… alone… in the dark… ‘cause the street lights aren’t working.

While on the subject of needing the sense of hearing, there was the sound of footsteps rapidly approaching his direction. It could mean a lot of things, but the first thing that popped up in his mind was that someone started jogging way too early. Best case scenario: they’re just a jogger. Worst case scenario: they’re a jogger and they know him personally and they’re going to start a conversation with him. He puts his hood up, in hopes that whoever that was, they’d leave him be and keep on jogging.

“Virgil! Virgil, hey!” They called out. He started walking faster. They still managed to catch up.

“Oh thank the heavens,” they said, walking beside him and matching his pace. “For a second, you had me thinking you were someone else.”

“That’s what I was trying to do.” Virgil retorted. He focuses on walking forward. He does not look at who’s next to him.

“Geez kiddo, that’s a little harsh, don’t you think?”

“No.” Virgil says through a mouthful of Doritos. A sign that he’s lowering his guard. They walk in silence for a short period of time.

“By the way, I’m Patton! We have a few classes together.”

Virgil looks at him. He’s definitely seen him around at school. Didn’t he wear glasses? Maybe he’s got contacts on. The guy was just as sweet as he looked. Although he’s heard a few rumors about him… not being as nice as he looked, he couldn’t bring himself to believe it. The guy looked as harmless as a pink butterfly stuck on a marshmallow. He could be wrong, but what’s a better teacher than your past mistakes? If he were to die that night, he hoped that Logan would still get his Pepsi.

“I know.” said Virgil.

“So… where are you headed to?” Patton asks, trying to start a conversation between them going.

“Home.” Virgil responds. It’s not quite true, but not entirely false. A half-truth, if you will. The Castillo residence became his second home, just as the the Armati residence became Logan’s second home. To put it shortly, they hung out together a lot in each other’s homes.

“Oh okay, why are you up so early then?”

“None of your business.”

“Sorry.”

A part of him thinks that he was a bit too harsh, but another part of him wants to keep his guard up. He stayed quiet. Patton no longer asked any questions. Once again, they walked together in awkward and uncomfortable silence. That was, until, it was broken by Patton’s phone going off.

“You don’t keep your phone on silent?” Virgil scoffed.

Patton apologized once more in response, then did it again as he gestured to his phone, indicating that he’s going to answer the call. Virgil nodded and began to eat slowly.

“Dallon, please stop calling me, I’m going to delete your number. No, I’m not at home right now. Why should I tell you? I’m gonna hang up, and if you keep spreading rumors about me, so what? I know the truth. Goodbye, Dallon.”

In the short amount of time that Virgil has gotten to know Patton, he thinks Patton is the strongest person he’s ever met. Yet again, he doesn’t socialize too often.

“You okay?” He asks, eyes filled with genuine concern. He’s not sure if physical contact would help, so he decides on not placing a hand on Patton’s shoulder and instead tilts the open bag of Doritos towards him, allowing him to grab a handful of chips. Patton gladly takes some.

“Yeah, just getting rid of toxic people.” Patton says with a weak chuckle. He starts to feel uncomfortable and changes the topic entirely. “Have you heard that Clara went missing?”

“Who?” Remembering names obviously isn’t Virgil’s strongest point.

“The girl who sits at the front in Math class? Really light blonde hair? I think she bleached it.”

Wait… that girl? Virgil’s pretty sure that Patton just described the girl he saw in his dream when he took a nap. Well, Logan says he took a nap on his bed due to physical exhaustion. What did he even do yesterday?

“Uh yeah. Yeah, I’ve seen her around.” Virgil says, looking away. Patton gets a text notification. Virgil continues to walk, unaware that Patton has stopped walking.

When he turns to his left to ask about something, that’s when he realizes that Patton wasn’t walking beside him. He looks behind him and calls out Patton’s name, feeling a bit scared that Patton left him because he probably didn’t like talking to him. Apparently, he was just reading a text message on his phone with the brightness turned all the way up.

Why is his phone emitting such a strong white light? It can’t be the flashlight, since it’s coming from the screen itself, so perhaps the brightness level is at its maximum? Virgil walks towards Patton, thinking that he’s simply reading a text message. But as he gets closer, he starts getting uncomfortable.

Anyone would find this level of brightness in such a dark area a nuisance and lower it. Patton did not flinch nor squint. He just stared at his phone with his mouth slightly agape. A few more steps closer and Virgil sees that Patton’s eyes were glowing white. As bright as his phone screen. He panics and drops the paper bag containing the open bag of Doritos, the unopened bag of Doritos, and the two Pepsi cans. Thankfully, the paper bag stood upright and none of the contents spilled out. He immediately slaps the phone off of Patton’s hands, causing it to fall on the ground. He sighs in relief when he saw Patton’s eyes become normal again. That was the freakiest shit he’s ever experienced his entire gosh darn 17 years of living. For a moment he stood as still as a statue due to the shock of what just happened, but quickly recovered and brushed it off as his eyes playing tricks on him.

He picks up the phone and checks if there are any cracks from the fall. There were none. For a second it glitches and a single eye is on the middle of the screen. It disappears just as fast as it had appeared. Virgil blamed this one on the fall. He hands Patton his phone back then takes the paper bag that was on the ground.

“By the way, I was gonna ask you if you knew when Clara went missing.”

Patton looks at him with the most baffled expression on his face. “Who?”

“Blondie from Math class? Weren’t we just talking about her a few minutes ago?” Virgil supplies, slightly confused as to how the hell Patton forgot what they were talking about so quickly.

“There’s no one named Clara in Math class. Trust me, I know everyone at school.”

That was weird. Maybe he accidentally edited a memory? Yeah, he’ll go with that.

It wasn’t long before Virgil and Patton were standing right in front of the Castillo residence. He didn’t know if Logan would mind him bringing someone along, nor did he know if Patton would even want to hang out with the two of them. From what he had observed throughout their conversation, it seemed that Patton’s a genuinely good guy.

“Hey, do you wanna come over at my best friend’s place?”

“Oh! Yes please, I don’t think going home right now would be a good idea…”

“Alrighty then.”

Virgil knocked on the door and was greeted by Roman, Logan’s annoying younger brother. Seriously, how does Logan deal with him? He’s trying to be less rude to him, since Roman is obviously trying to be nicer to him. Back then, they only spoke to each other when they were throwing an insult at one another. They slightly talk more than before, but mostly to discuss their opinions on Disney films, musicals, and music they’re currently into.

“Ah, it’s you again, Gloom Boy!” Roman exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear. He started listening to Waterparks, and thought that Virgil would be proud of him for that reference. Logan would be glad that they’re getting along.

“Huh. One reference to Waterparks doesn’t make us instantly best friends.” Virgil said in a teasing manner. So maybe they could be friends after all.

“I think it can!” Roman huffed.

“Whatever you say, Awsten Knight-in-shining-armor.” Virgil said with a playful smile.

“You just gave me a nickname! We truly are friends now!” Roman was so overjoyed, that he hadn’t noticed Patton standing next to Virgil. “And who’s this puffball over here?”

“Hi, I’m Patton!”

“Roman Castillo, at your service.” He bowed like the dramatic little theatre geek he is. Patton giggled, and Virgil rolled his eyes. “Okay, now get in the house because I just tried baking and I need someone to try the cookies for me. I already woke Logan up to ask him, but he said he didn’t want to get poisoned.”

“Oooh! I love cookies!”

Then the perfect idea came to Virgil’s mind. “You two go do that, I’ll be in Logan’s room.”

Now that Patton went to eat cookies with Roman in the kitchen, he could discuss what happened earlier with Logan. That is, if he was still awake. If not, he’d just wake him up.

He went up the stairs two steps at a time, having a firm grip on the paper bag instead of the railings. Logan never locked his door, so he slammed it open in dramatic fashion. His best friend was used to this and paid him no mind, focusing on reading the newspaper before him. Virgil called out his name and tossed one of the two Pepsi cans at him. Logan caught it due to his fast reflexes. It wasn’t as cold as when Virgil bought it, but that was fine.

“I have an issue. I think my eyesight is getting worse.” said Virgil, sitting down on the bed next to Logan.

“Then you need to get your eyes checked.” Logan deadpanned.

“Random question, have you heard about any missing people?” Virgil asked, fiddling with his hoodie strings.

“In fact, I have. The newspaper from yesterday says that 7 people have gone missing recently. Two of which are students in the school you go to.”

“From… my school? What’re their names?”

Logan flips the pages of the newspaper. “Let’s see… Oh, perhaps I remembered it incorrectly. There is only one missing person from your school. Dallon Montgomery, 17 years old. Do you know him?”

And where did he hear that name, again? Could it be? “I don’t, but Patton knows everyone from school. He might. Is there anything about a girl named Clara?”

“None that I know of.”

Virgil nodded. This is fine, he thought. Just his mind playing tricks on him again. The sun hasn’t even risen yet and things were already fucking with him. He excused himself for a moment and went down to the kitchen. Virgil took the plate of cookies and dragged the other two by the arm, causing them to follow behind him. Soon enough, all four of them were in Logan’s room, sitting on the bed with their legs crossed.

“Patton, you mentioned a Dallon earlier. What’s his real name?”

“Dallon Montgomery, why?” Patton replied through a mouthful of cookies.

“Virgil who is this?” asked Logan through a whisper, tugging softly on his best friend’s hoodie.

“Ah, right, introductions. Patton this is Logan, Logan this is Patton. We’re friends now, I think.”

“Of course we are, you sweet shadowling! By the way, Logan, we have the same glasses! Except you can’t see them because I left them at home.”

“Why am I here?” Roman whined, taking the Doritos from Virgil. He got a glare, but they’re on good terms so it’s fine.

Chaos ensues. The other three keep talking, which is good since they’re getting along, but Virgil had to discuss something with them. So much was going on, so Virgil grabbed his phone that was under his pillow (or Logan’s pillow, for that matter) and played an air horn sound effect. It caused Logan and Patton to jump in surprise, and Roman let out a deafening high-pitched scream.

Virgil smirked. “Anyways, as I was saying, something weird is going on. First I get a Spillr account-”

“You didn’t follow back.” Roman interjected. Virgil rolled his eyes and continued speaking.

“So I get a Spillr account out of the blue. I never downloaded it, I never made an account. But guess what, I wake up from a 3 hour nap and had a dream that I did in fact make one and even used fake information. I think it’s much more fitting to call it a nightmare, so that’s what I’m calling it. So in this nightmare, I didn’t end up creating an account but I do remember it said something weird about how I used incorrect information and that I should try again.”

“Where are you going with this?” His best friend asked.

“Eventually, I got murdered by the dark void. But before that, there were other two people who made an appearance that I can distinctly remember. One’s a girl with bleach blonde hair. She sits at the front of the class and owns a tumbler containing dark-colored liquid. The other is a boy with freckles all over one side of his face and yellow eyes. Which, I think are probably contact lenses.”

The description of the boy Virgil had mentioned was too familiar. Logan felt like Virgil had just described his good friend, Dmitri. “I’m going to interrupt for a moment. I know someone with freckles on the left side of their face and uses contact lenses with unique eye colors. His name is Dmitri, perhaps you know him?”

“No? I’ve never met anyone with that name ever.” Virgil replied.

“What are we supposed to do with this information? Interpret your dream?” Roman joked.

“And whilst walking with Patton moments prior to this, he mentioned something about a girl in Math class going missing. He described her as how I described the girl in my dream. He said her name was Clara. Before that, he got a phone call and I know eavesdropping is wrong but he was next to me so I could hear what Patton was saying. He mentioned the name Dallon. Also, at one point, his phone was glowing and so were his eyes and I freaked out and slapped the phone out of his hands but that’s not important. Or is it? Okay so after that phone incident, I asked him about when Clara had gone missing but he said he didn’t know anyone at school named Clara.”

By now, the other three were confused as hell. Logan spoke up. “Could you talk a bit slower? There is so much information that I can’t comprehend.”

Virgil sighed. “Let me put it in a timeline for you.” He rummaged through the bedside drawer and fished out a piece of paper and a pen. He drew a line and a few points and began explaining.

“Yesterday I took a nap here on Logan’s bed. I cannot recall anything that happened before I fell asleep so don’t ask. I woke up before dinner and found out that I had a Spillr account. I deleted it because that shit is creepy as hell and overrated. My phone glitched momentarily and I think it’s just my eyesight going bad, but all the app icons turned into the Spillr one, so that’s fucking freaky. Early this morning I went to 7-11 and bought two bags of Doritos and two cans of Pepsi. When I was walking back here, that’s when Patton saw me and started talking to me. I didn’t want to talk to him at first, but look where we are now. Then these events go as follows: Patton gets a phone call. Patton tells me about missing girl from Math class. Patton’s phone does the glowy thing and so does his eyes. Again, my eyesight is really bad but I swear his phone glitched and I saw an eye for a second. Patton forgets mentioning Clara. Now we’re here and Logan’s telling me that he knows the boy I saw in my nightmare.”

“That is… a lot to take in.” Roman comments. “What are you trying to say?”

“I’m just saying that I think something strange is going on, and that things aren’t what they seem. I feel like I’m in some sort of danger.”

“Nonsense. If your eyesight is that bad, then let’s see how well you can read letters from a 20 feet distance.” He takes Virgil to one side of his room, where the Snellen eye chart is hung on the wall. Needless to say, he had perfect 20/20 vision despite being on his phone all the time.

“But L, what I’m trying to say is that my eyes are making me see things. I know I don’t need glasses.”

“Ah, but you would look adorable in them.”

Roman, Patton, and Virgil stared at him in shock. His brother speaks up. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I am merely stating a fact. It’s true. Would you like to see the proof?”

“Yes please! Oooh, I wanna see Virge with glasses!”

Logan takes out his phone and goes through the album titled “Favorites” in his camera roll. He shows the other two a picture of Virgil wearing non-prescription glasses. The other two gush over the picture as Virgil retreats to hoodie town.

The sudden knocking at Logan’s window gave them a shock. Virgil runs back to the bed and takes out a baseball bat that was hidden underneath since it might be a robber and they could all die at that very moment. Patton squeaks and grabs Logan’s arm.

“Who dares enter this household?!” Roman threatens, drawing back the curtains. The room was on the second floor, but the first floor had a high ceiling. There was nothing nearby—like trees, for example—that could give easy access to the window, unless the person had a ladder.

No one was outside the window, except for a piece of torn paper attached to the window with tape. Roman opens the window and snatches the piece of paper.

Written on it were the words “I see you.” and below it was a drawing of an eye similar to the Spillr icon.

“I’m siding with Virgil, this is scary!” Patton says, still clinging onto Logan’s arm like his life depended on it. Logan didn’t seem to mind.

“You know what? Me too.” Roman adds.

They look at Logan who appeared to be deep in thought.

“This is but an elaborate prank.” He says.

Then Roman receives a notification. He takes out his phone to see what it was. There was nothing. His phone started to glow a bright white and his eyes felt so drawn to it, he couldn’t look away. Virgil screamed and threw it on the beanbag, which was quite far from the bed, but it landed on the beanbag anyways.

“That’s what happened to Patton earlier! This is not a prank, L!”

“That happened… to me?” Patton asked, clearly terrified.

“Roman, give me the piece of paper.” His older brother demanded.

“What paper, Lo?”

“The one that was on the window, dumbass!”

“What do you mean? Did you start putting your research papers on the window? You have a lot of space on the walls, you know.”

“Roman, stop playing dumb.”

“I really don’t know anything about papers on windows. Hold on, lemme post on Spillr that I baked cookies.”

Logan groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. It was too early for this bullshit. Virgil on the other hand, was freaking out along with Patton. Their new friend had released Logan’s arm from his death grip and moved closer to Virgil.

“Um, who changed my lockscreen to this ugly thing?” Roman asked, showing his phone which had a white eye icon in the middle with a solid black background. Similar to the drawing on the paper.

Patton spots the torn piece of paper on the floor, and hands it to Logan. “Look, I found it!”

“That’s great, Patton.” He mutters.

It was folded again. Logan unfolded it but this time, instead of one eye, the entire thing was covered in eyes with the text remaining the same. Roman could’ve switched it, right? He folds it again then unfolds it, and it was back to how they had originally seen it. One eye and the text in the middle.

“I’m calling Dmitri and inviting him over. He might know something.”

“This early?”

“Don’t worry Patton, I’m certain he sleeps at 4 in the morning.”

“Wait Lo, why don’t we call our parents?”

“Roman, while that is a good idea, I don’t think they’ll believe us.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

taglist :: @anon-e-has-a-tmblr @baddeceit-ohsorrydeceit @but-jesuschrist-im-never-good @captainlilithrouge @cats-fandom-universe-room @cryptidcherrry @deceit-is-a-lil-bitch @easyidentification @effortiswhatmatters @human-being-kinda @ilovemygaydad @insanetentacles @keeshy-ekho @lemon-towns @lesbian-aesthics-are-my-aesthic @lokisuggests @lopaviro @lucifer-just-needs-a-hug @mychemicalpanicattheemo @prplzorua @roanoaks @rosepyxels @starrycari @strickenwithclairvoyance @suyun-doo @therealmoshar @theultimatemomfriend @unicornlogansanders @what-even-is-thiss @whizzie72 @why-should-i-tell-youu2

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #ts fic #fanfic #virgil sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #logan sanders #deceit sanders #sympathetic deceit #platonic analogical #platonic moxiety #familial logince #platonic prinxiety #platonic royality #platonic logicality #horror fic #human au #SPILLR

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theswiftarmy · 5 years

Text

#20 – Rumor Has It

Sara Swift sat in a front row audience seat watching Taylor perform her final dress rehearsal of the medley to be broadcast on live TV that evening. She nudged the silver masters case a little closer. The moment the rehearsal was over she would take the masters case containing that inaudibly enchanting enigmatic sound to the sound team so they could mix the egg track into the performance of the final song in the medley—Lover. A uniquely identified cartridge within the case would be removed and placed in a special reader device. One of Taylor’s appointed audio engineer Swifite specialists by the name of Jack Antonoff was currently retrieving a reader device from one of the few very secret studios around the world that contained equipment able to interface with Egg masters tracks. There were studios around the world including two such studios in NYC, one in Nashville, and a studio in Los Angeles where from Jack Antonoff was currently on his way back. The Egg studios were a well-kept secret in the recording industry and knowledge of their whereabouts highly classified information. Egg studios required a high level of recording industry clearance that very few individuals had. Jack Antonoff was one of the few with the highest level of clearances possible—Jack was a bit like a tailor-made chess piece that you could move in any direction as many times as you wanted and with no limitations. Jack could basically do whatever he wanted when it came to recording studios and audio engineering. Taylor kept Jack close at hand, he was her ace of spades.

Sara sat with the masters case guarding it, eager to hand it off to Jack Antonoff and the Swiftie sound team that would be running sound during the live performance. She watched the rest of the dress rehearsal. Taylor had once again given Sara her phone to hold on to, and she kept it close, only, this time she resisted the urge to tap curiously through its digital contents—not that she didn’t want to look again—mostly because Taylor would probably catch her doing it since she was looking directly down at Sara from the stage.

About half way through Taylor’s dress rehearsal performance two Youngie Swiftie scouts entered from a door near the back of the auditorium. They had special instructions to see Sara Swift—sent directly from Taylor’s top tier team member in charge of the Swiftie social media Taylurkers. An undercover Swiftie security guard walked with them from the door as they traversed the aisles making their way to the front of the stage. They approached Sara with their information.

Sara turned her attention from the stage and talked to the tween-ish age Swifties for a minute while Taylor continued to perform flawlessly, as per usual, on the stage in front of them. Sara gestured to two nearby empty seats telling them to have a seat and wait until they could speak with Taylor. They sat Swiftie-eyed watching the rest of the performance. When Taylor finished Sara got up and rushed towards Jeffery.

“Jeff, can I talk to Taylor for a minute? I need to talk to her.” She said to him in a very serious lawyer-y voice, pointing over at Taylor, still on the main stage.

Jeff hesitated for a moment, but given that Taylor’s performance was perfect, he had no reason to object. “Ms. Swift your lawyer, Miss Swift, needs a word with you!” He yelled.

Taylor walked off the stage and over to Sara, “Yeah? Sara, this couldn’t wait?”

“No.” She pointed over at the two Youngies sitting nearby, one of them sitting in Taylor’s seat.

“YOUNGIES! Awwwwww… I love my Youngies! I mean, I love all my Swifties, obviously! But Youngies hold a special place in my heart.”

Youngies were any Swiftie born after Taylor played that very first time at the Bluebird Café in Nashville, Tennessee. These two were eldest youngies, probably born only days after Taylor’s first single was released.

Taylor turned her attention back to Sara, “Well, what is it?”

“I just received word,” she pointed towards the Youngie Swifties, “That Kanye West might try to show up and interrupt your speech tonight.”

Taylor made a dramatic mimicking motion as if she were about to throw up then walked with Sara stepping down off from the risers beside the stage over to the two Swifties.

She knelt down in front of the two Youngie Swifties and smiled at both of them.

“Hi there!”

“Hi Taylor!” They said back in their early teen voices. “That was an awesome performance!”

“Well thank you! Speaking of my performance, I heard you found something out about my performance later tonight. Is that right?”

The Swifties nodded their heads yes.

“Hmmmm… And who told you this?” She asked the Scouts.

“We have this cool older friend—an Arianator friend. She’s trying to become an influencer so she’s always posting videos about famous people she meets, she mostly posts about Ariana Grande, anyway, like, we saw it posted on her Snapchat, and then later also on her Instagram and then also on her YouTube channel. She recorded a video and posted it everywhere. But then she mysteriously made it private right after posting it, which is something she, like, never does. But we’re still friends with her—She must have forgotten that, anyway, so we can still see it, even though it’s private.”

“Oh? Can you show me the video?” Taylor asked.

“Yeah! Here!” One of them took out a phone and clicked away, navigating to the short one-minute video that had been posted.

The teen Arianator had secretly posted the selfie video when she asked to use the bathroom at Oak Felder’s Spaceship studio as tagged in the location.

The video began to play.

‘Oh my god! So I was just in the world’s largest shoe closet, it’s amazing, more on that later in a future video on my YouTube channel, I took some craaaaazy photos you’ll never believe. Anyway, I’m about to go on a helicopter to Kanye West’s house because we have to, like, go pick him up or something because he has to like interrupt Taylor Swift’s speech at the AMAs, I don’t know, ermygod like whatever booooring Znooooze lolz who cares about all that… BUT YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE THIS!!! I GET TO MEET KIM KARDASHIAN! O to the M to the G!!!! I’m SOOOO excited to meet KIM KARDASHIAN! I’m LITTERALLY FREAKIN’ OUT here PEOPLE!!!! OMG, does my eyeliner look okay? OMG, there’s like lint in my hair, how long as that been there? Ewww, gross. Okay, I’ll post a selfie as soon as I can with Kim! Byeeeeeeee LOVEEEEEEEEEEE! LIKE SHARE SUB! ARIANA GRANDE 4 LIFE!’

The video ended.

Taylor made a serious face as she spoke to the Youngies. “Thank you for showing me that. You two did the right thing to bring that to my attention. Do you know if she said anything else?”

“Ummm… There was another post that she deleted, I think it mentioned something about feeling like she was in a spy movie because an insider from the AMAs was going to help Kanye and she went on a rant about how the only sidekick Kanye needs is Kim, but she never said the insider’s name. She just kept saying ‘Kim this’ and ‘Kim that’ and going on and on about Kimye. She’s Kardashisessed.”

“Oh? And what is Kardashisessed?” Taylor asked.

“Obsessed with all things Kardashian. She’s always been like that though. Since the first day we met her.”

The two Youngies exchanged a look and rolled their eyes.

“Well, you two have been very helpful Swifties!” Taylor paused and smiled at them, then made a face as though she were thinking very hard. “Gee, how can I reward you for this, Oh, I know!” Taylor’s eyes twinkled and she beamed a smile at the two Youngie Swiftie Scouts, “How would both of you like to come on stage with me tonight?”

“Really?” They squealed with glee.

“Sure.” She said pointing over at the other kids that had just rehearsed with Taylor during the opening song of her medley.

“Oh my god! Taylor, you’re our favorite!”

“AWWWWW.” She made a heart symbol with her thumbs and pointer fingers and they made the same symbol back at her.

“We’ll just have to make sure it’s okay with your parents, but as long as they consent to it—”

The two Youngie Swifties parents standing nearby listening to the entire conversation agreed immediately.

“This is the best moment of my whole life! We love you Taylor!” They jumped up and hugged her.

She laughed and then sent them over to learn the dance moves.

She turned back to her attorney. “Let him! Hah! See how far he gets. He’s not on the invite list anyway.” She said to Sara.

“Okay, we’ll just ratchet up security, make sure everyone knows to keep a look out for Kanye.”

“I think that works. It will be fine, Sara.” Taylor said waving to the two Youngies making friends with the other Swiftie Youngies.

“What do you think about the second part, the insider?” Sara asked.

Taylor thought for a minute. “I don’t think we should say anything to anyone.”

Selena Gomez, just having sat back in her seat, glanced over—She was just on the edge of being within earshot of the conversation.

Sara and Taylor lowered their voices, “Let’s just see what people are talking about, keep a close ear to as many people as you can and see if someone says anything that might give us a clue. And then we’ll approach them, personally. Have a little chat with them.”

Jeff suddenly yelled from the stage, “Where’s Billie? Does anyone know where Billie is? BILLLIE EILISH! WHERE IS BILLIE EILISH???”

“I think she went to go make a phone call or Face time her brother, Finneas, or something, I think that’s what she said.” Selena said from her seat.

“Well we need her on stage! I want to run her number just one more time to get the fire part right. Can someone go find her please!?”

“I’ll go find her!”

“Thank you! But hurry back, Halsey, because I have some notes for you!” Jeff yelled after Halsey as she walked off in search of Billie. Halsey could be heard saying something about what Jeff could do with the notes he had for her, it sounded unpleasant—Halsey doesn’t take notes.

Sara wandered around casually listening to conversations here and there. She felt like a hunter looking for prey. It was the complete opposite of her youth, middle school and high school especially. She was quiet growing up, mostly kept to herself and read books. Middle school was more of the same, although, her first crush—who had no idea she was her first crush and still has no idea to this day—made it a little less lonely. High school was awful because her crush moved away, they kept in touch but it wasn’t the same, eventually they stopped talking. She exceled in every class but found that being the smartest one around made things even more lonely as everyone kind of thought of her as just a nerdy brainiac that only cared about homework all the time.

Then came the boys and all kinds of rumors after she rejected every advance from each and every one of them. Yes, those “Rumors”. Beauty and booksmarts, and she wasn’t one of those stereotypical booksmart perfect grades wimpy kids, she was athletic too; women’s lacrosse, softball, swimming, ran track, and every other sport she was allowed to participate in. There was no shortage of boys interested in her. I mean, she knew, she knew from the moment she had her first crush. Her parents probably knew but she wasn’t going to tell them at the time, although she finally did in college; it didn’t go over very well. Sara’s dad and her were still able to maintain some kind of father daughter relationship for the most part centered on their chess matches. Sara was a chess aficionado thanks to all those early lessons from her dad, who was also an aficionado. Her father had originally wanted her to become a professional chess champion, world’s number one—He was happy with her becoming an attorney. But he was going to be happy with whatever she decided because she was going to do what she wanted, not what hewanted.

The worst happened when she was cornered on her way to sit by herself at lunch one day and then asked to one of the biggest dances of the year by the guy all the girls swooned over. It was right after being the only one to ace a test in her AP Calculus class. Of course she turned him down and he didn’t take her rejection of him very well. The very next day a group of girls decided to tell everyone she was sleeping with the calc teacher and that was why she received the only perfect score on several tests in addition to the most recent one. She was brought into the principal’s office and questioned by an investigating police officer who made her sit there in front of the teacher as well as others of the administration and place in writing that the rumor was false. It was one of the most humiliating and embarrassing experiences of her life. Then there was the walk of shame back to class after, every eye on her was still completely convinced she was just keeping what happened a secret—That’s when it all started, the cutting, anorexia, anxiety, panic attacks, body dysmorphic disorder and so many hours spent in therapy trying to fix it, fix her. She was seemingly hunted the rest of high school, less than observant guys would continue to hit on her as she only became even more beautiful nearly by the day, and the other girls came up with new and creative ways to torment her. Graduation couldn’t come soon enough.

And look at her now, accomplished, an attorney to some of the biggest names in showbiz!

Sara had movie star looks, and she probably could have been a movie star if she wanted to, but she was just more interested in the world of law. In college Sara reconnected with her middle school crush, as pen pals. They started talking again freshman year of college and she found that her crush was studying pre law, so she decided to take a law class as an elective and join a debate team. That lasted for a semester until, of course, then she found out her crush had met someone, and it became all her crush talked about—this boy. She felt the same dread and sadness, the emptiness returning from her high school days. Someone she had put so much into turned out to be, pointless. It’s just, she didn’t want to talk about him, she wanted to talk about, the usual things going on in the life of her crush. But, it became obvious that what was going on in her life was… him. Someone she had built up in her head, and mistakenly put on a pedestal, turned out to cause her nothing but jealousy and then pain and anger when it all came crashing down—when ALL her crush talked about was this stupid boy and how much she was in love with him. That’s when Sara started working out more than she usually did, running, swimming, going to the gym daily. Sara made her fitness schedule, in addition to her athletic commitments and various clubs AND studies her excuse as to why she couldn’t talk to her old crush anymore. She just kept saying she was busy all the time. Eventually the long lost middle school crush returned once again to being long lost. Her interest in law and debating stuck and she soon found herself helping any friend who had a legal or law related problem. Funny how something from your past, even if lost and gone, can be a bridge to something in your future. It was soon after that she found that she felt fixed by fixing things for others. As long as she was fighting a war, she didn’t have to fight her own personal battles.

She looked over at Taylor. Taylor was her favorite war so far. Fighting for Taylor kept her battles buried the deepest they have ever been. And she wanted them to stay buried for as long as possible. Which meant, this war needed to continue as long as possible. Sara also just, well, she liked being around Taylor, it reminded her of being around her middle school crush early on, back when they would work on school projects together, she loved that, she loved this, and just being around her was enough.

Really, Sara’s war wouldn’t end until the patriarch ended, until toxic masculinity had been blasted in its entirety from every inch of the entertainment industry. Even after Taylor’s war was won, she would continue fighting until it was done. But for now, Taylor’s fight was enough.

#taylor swift #jack antonoff #swifties #kanye west #halsey #lawyer #toxic masculinity #billie eilish #influencer #kardashians #kardashisessed #chess #writers on tumblr #tumblrfiction #first crush

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swanandapirate · 6 years

Text

A Muted Hue of Grey (3/14) -- CSBB

Summary: Emma Swan liked being a PI in Boston. It was a fun job, she had an okay income and she was a good one at that, so there was no logical reason to try and leave. Except for the fact that she wanted to, so badly. And, when she received a job offer for what seemed to be the opportunity of a lifetime, she did exactly that. Leave. Run. All the way to London. The job was simple: trailing a man called Killian Jones. Easy enough.

Well, until things get complicated, that is.

Rating: M (later mentions of violence, alcohol abuse, and sex)

Wordcount: 2549

Links: ao3 // ff.net // chapter 1 // chapter 2

A/N: No Killian in this chapter, my apologies, but there are answers to your questions and there's an OC whom I love a lot and I hope you do too

The Big P ( @ofshipsandswans ) and Notorious Nonnie ( @acourtoftruelove ) are epic as always and weren't afraid to go "uhhh Manon??" whenever I did or wrote stupid stuff.

@shady-swan-jones is also epic and never complained when I stalked her about the art she was making, you can find said art here and here!

——————————

A dense downpour covered the streets, distorting the view, a thin sheet of water blurring her sight. Emma walked, all of her senses heightened—her ears searching for any sound that didn’t belong. She did not trust the dark that enclosed her, nor was she pleased with the curtain of rain. She was at a disadvantage and she knew it, knew that this was exactly why he had waited before informing her where their meeting would take place. Why he chose for it to be this late. He wanted the upper hand and Emma couldn’t do anything but to hand it to him. She was but an employee, a hired informant that could be laid off at any moment.

The rain was just a welcome bonus, she supposed as she trudged on, avoiding puddles that had gathered; he was powerful but controlling the weather required some magic that he, a mere mortal, did not possess.

The cobblestones of the alley shone with a layer of rain, the water enhancing the sound of her high boots echoing against the stone. Emma was already regretting her choice of footwear. It was drawing attention to her, attention that might not be wanted.

She checked her phone for the umpteenth time since she had left to be certain and it gave her the confirmation she sought. This was it, it told her, the brightness of her screen causing her to squint against the artificial light. She had reached her destination.

And she was all alone.

That didn’t seem right.

Her eyes slid across her surroundings, searching for a sign of life, a clue that someone else was present, but found none.

“So, Ms. Swan.”

Emma was startled by the voice surfacing out of the shadows. And the man accompanying it.

“What have you found out?” Mr. Gold asked.

He appeared from whatever hole he was hiding, dressed to the nines in a suit that seemed badly tailored, tatty even, loose at some parts and way too tight at others. A golden cane in his hand, only emphasizing his stature and oddity. Who owned a cane? A golden one at that? His brown hair, streaked with grey, was long and stuck to his cheeks thanks to the rain.

“Okay, first of all, Gold,” Emma responded, not wanting to immediately hand him her information, her only assets. “Why are we meeting in some shady alley? It reeks here.”

And it did. Of pee and other questionable substances. A place Emma would much rather not spend time in.

“We need to be covert,” sounded his answer, but it failed to resonate with Emma.

She tilted her head and frowned as a movement in the background caught her eye.

“And we couldn’t be covert in an office or a place where there aren’t actual rats running around?” she questioned, pointing at the spot the rat had just run across.

Gold seemed less worried about the vermin running around; he could fit right in. Birds of a feather flock together and all that.

“Now is not the time to complain about hygienics, Ms. Swan. What have you found?” he repeated, uttering every word as if it was a sentence with a full stop.

Emma recognized that her efforts of convincing him to pick another meeting point would lead to absolutely nothing and so she simply accepted that she was going to look like she was offering Gold drugs in a dark alley. Though, if she was being entirely honest, it was most likely going to look like she was offering him something else.

Just the thought of that made bile rise in the back of her throat and made her want to end this briefing as soon as possible. She cleared her throat as she refocused on the matter at hand.

“After another week, observing Jones from afar has not proven to be very useful or helpful with me getting new information. I’ve therefore decided to switch tactics and, instead, I’m going to try and gain his trust.” Gold didn’t need to know the real reason why she’d had a sudden change of heart, it would only shrink his already microscopic amount of trust in her even more. “It’s now just a matter of him trusting me to get the information you need,” she told him, making sure he believed the ease with which she could handle the situation, even though she didn’t particularly believe in it herself.

His dark eyes slid over her face, assessing and attempting to read her features and even if what was going on in his brain mostly remained a mystery to her, Emma could see the wheels turning in his eyes, could almost hear his thoughts conferring with one another.

At last, he spoke.

“I hope you don’t get carried away, Ms. Swan. We do have a deal and I do not take my deals lightly.”

“Neither do I, Gold,” Emma guaranteed. “I’ll get the job done, don’t worry.”

“You better.”

She should’ve let the meeting end there, let the both of them part ways and not talk to each other until Gold required another briefing. But the hunch that something was off—the thought that she couldn’t in a million years fathom what intel Gold needed on Jones, especially since she spent some time talking to him and getting to know him—couldn’t stop thrumming in her head.

“What is it exactly that you want?” she then asked him outright. “I have already given all of the information I have found so far and there’s nothing out of the ordinary.”

“I’m not hiring you to ask questions, Ms. Swan. Leave that part to me. Keep your eyes and ears open, report back when you find more, that is all I require from you.” His accent had become thicker, more guttural, acting as yet another warning.

“Okay.” Emma threw her hands up in the air in concession.

She was not going to debate it or ask any more risky questions. The money Gold was paying made sure that she did not have to struggle to make ends meet; she was able to afford everything she needed with one, single job; she wasn’t about to jeopardize that.

“Until next time, I guess.” She shrugged, not knowing what else to say.

“I hope you have something more interesting to tell me then, or I’ll have to reconsider this whole arrangement.”

Gold left the way he had come and vanished into the darkness again. She didn’t wait until he was completely gone to properly roll her eyes in response to his irritating flare for the dramatics that was omnipresent.

Turning on the heel of her boot, Emma left as well, in the opposite direction Gold had gone. As she walked, she gathered her wet tresses, quickly combing them through with her fingers to avoid any knots. The heavy rainfall had luckily stopped, only a stray drop here and there falling out of the sky, and so when she was met with the choice of either taking the bus home or just walking to her apartment, the quiet atmosphere and the clean, crisp air outside made her choose the latter. They were a proven successful approach to clear her head.

One thought just wouldn’t allow itself to be deleted, however.

Or one person.

Jones.

She hadn’t thought a lot about the day they’d spent together, not yet. Maybe because she didn’t want her head clouded before the meeting with Gold but now that that was all over and done, it had free rein to infiltrate her mind again, to revisit the events anew.

As they had left the store the day before yesterday, she had been hit by an immense sense of fear. Not fear of being caught or a fear of sharing too much with him.

No, not that. It was the fear of having to spend a considerable amount of time with someone she just met. She wasn’t a good socializer, her lack of friends could attest to that. One could even say she was absolutely terrible at small talk. So why on earth had she agreed to spend the afternoon with him?

The funny thing, however, was that she’d spent those first moments so struck with anxiety, her thoughts so consumed by it, that she hadn’t even realized how fast time had gone by. How she’d been talking and laughing and listening without any awkwardness trailing the conversation, without any uncomfortable silences creeping in. And that was a new experience altogether.

Perhaps that was the reason she’d been so adamant to avoid the topic, because she wasn’t exactly sure what to think of it.

Or of the fact that she’d given him her cell phone number when he had asked.

She did tell Gold she was planning on gaining his trust, but whether that was the actual reason she’d so easily added her number to his contacts, Emma hadn’t quite figured out yet.

And again that same question from before resurfaced. Killian seemed like an ordinary guy. Nothing about him particularly stood out. No weird vibes, no strange behavior. Just a polite, somewhat reserved—but then again, flirty—dude. Someone who’d managed to make her feel at ease. What would Gold want with information about him, and, more importantly, what was he going to use it for?

Emma sighed as the question remained unanswered, her breath hot against the chilled air. Her feet continued to tap against the concrete, carrying her closer and closer to home. What had first been a pleasant brisk breeze, was now a freezing wind, chilling her to the core. The remaining raindrops falling from her hair certainly did not help.

She spotted her apartment from across the street and excitement ran through her body as she took those final steps. She needed a scalding shower to warm up again. And a lot of hot chocolate to warm up her insides again.

Just as her hand went to open her door, she suddenly realized she’d not bought new hot chocolate when she drank the last packet. She didn't have any chocolate to make it from scratch, either. Shit. Her hand fell from the handle, as she looked around at her surroundings and considered her options. It was already after ten, so the closest Tesco was already closed, and she didn’t particularly feel like taking the bus to the further one that was open until midnight, especially not in her drenched clothes.

Only one option remained. Well, two actually. The first one being going upstairs without and accepting there would be no hot chocolate, even though Emma didn’t feel like getting over her need for chocolate. It seemed like a pretty vital necessity. Option number two it was: the night shop two blocks away.

But she was still getting out of these freezing clothes first.

Emma reemerged from her building with a new set of warm and comfy clothes and made her way to the shop.

The door opened as she pushed against it, a little bell ringing as she did. The shop wasn’t that big and clearly targeted two types of people: the ones that wanted to get drunk and the ones that had gotten drunk and now craved some sort of greasy or sugary—unhealthy to sum it up—food. Emma was neither and so she knew that she’d have to go to the little corner of the shop meant for everyone, where she would find everything.

“Good evening,” she said and smiled to the shop owner behind the counter.

“Evening, miss.”

After her meeting with Gold, she’d had quite enough of people calling her miss. Plus, she frequented this place enough to switch to a first name basis.

“You can just call me Emma,” she told him over her shoulder as she made her way to the rack she knew contained what she desired. After some scanning, she came across the hot chocolate and removed it from the other items. It only took her a couple of steps to reach the counter again.

The young man—he had to be younger than she was or else she’d have to learn his secret—accepted the box she handed him.

“Evening, Emma,” he repeated. “I’m Samir.” He outstretched his hand and Emma grabbed it and gave it a quick shake. “Nice to meet you. This means I can finally stop calling you Rocky Road in my mind.”

“You gave me a nickname?” She cocked her head in surprise, the smile on her face widening into a grin.

Samir shrugged while scanning the box of hot chocolate.

“I do that with everyone who comes in here often. Especially with those who have a tendency to buy the same thing time and time again.” He lifted a dark eyebrow.

Well, if that didn’t say a lot about her late night snacking habits, Emma didn’t know what did.

The cash register ringed and Samir read the price off of it.

“That’s three quid, please.”

Emma’s hand disappeared into her pocket, in search of some change that hid inside. First, she fished out fifty pence and that was followed by a two-pound coin. One last effort of checking another pocket led to one last pound being recovered. “Keep it,” she said as Samir pushed the fifty pence back to her side of the counter.

“Thanks.” He threw the coin with the rest of them and closed the register.

“Can I ask you something?” Emma stored her box in the small shopping bag she’d brought along.

“Sure,” Samir replied, his brown eyes shining, reflecting the openness she felt radiating from him.

“You seem pretty young to own your own business. Or am I just really misjudging your age?”

It might be weird to just ask him that, but the longer she spent looking at his face, the younger he began to look.

“I’m twenty-three.”

That was more or less what Emma was estimating.

“This isn’t my store, it’s my dad’s,” he explained. “I’m filling in for a while. I just graduated uni, so I don’t have anything better to do for now.”

“Oh, congrats!” Emma said, her congratulations genuine as graduating from university deserved that. She’d never managed to do so. “What did you study?”

“Law.” Samir slightly ducked his head as if he was bashful about his choice or his accomplishments while there was absolutely no reason to be.

“You’re a lawyer? Impressive.”

“Well—” He tilted his head. “not so much a lawyer as waiting for someone to hire me to become one.”

She could then see how he’d rather be doing that than selling things to people in the middle of the night and Emma couldn’t blame him. If he’d studied to become a lawyer, was ready to be one, it must be frustrating to not have anyone give you a shot to do what your heart desired.

“I’m certain it will happen, Samir.” She nodded encouragingly. “If I ever need a lawyer, you’ll be the first I call, alright?” Emma winked.

“Fine by me. If you ever feel like visiting me again and having a chat, don’t be a stranger.”

“I won’t. I hope you have a good night, Samir.”

“You too, Emma.”

And it seemed like Emma Swan had yet again participated in small talk and had actually gotten a friend out of it.

A friend and hot chocolate.

Monumental.

——————————

Now I'm in the mood for hot chocolate too... Anyways, I hope you liked it and do not despair, our favorite Brit is making his comeback next Thursday and it’s a good one 😏, see you then!

#cs ff #csbb #captain swan #captain swan big bang #cs au #my words and sentences #AMHoG

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cravingmarvel · 6 years

Text

Apartment - Chapter Eight

Apartment Chapter Eight

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Fem!Reader

Warnings: None?? I think?? hahah

Word count: 1226

Summary: You just moved from Germany to New York, working as an editor at a newspaper. So what happens when you find out your favourite actor lives in the apartment across from yours? And how will people react when you share your story on your Blog dedicated to him? What will you make of this situation?

A/N: I do have to say that this chapter isn’t my personal favourite, but I hope you like it anyway! There are going to be two more chapters and that’s going to be over!! So crazy hhahah

Masterlist // Sebastian Stan Masterlist

Chapter One // Chapter Two // Chapter Three // Chapter Four // Chapter Five // Chapter Six // Chapter Seven //

Tagging: (yall are STILL my faves and I hope you like this hahaha)

@buckisthatyou @buckybarneshairpullingkink @buckyforbreakfast @jurassicbarnes

I felt someone’s weight on my back and an arm around my waist. Assuming its Sebastian, I looked over my shoulder to confirm him cuddling me from behind. I turned to face him slowly and avoided any quick movements. I placed my hands on his chest and took in the sight in front of me. He looks absolutely stunning in the morning and I don’t know how he does it. His hair is slightly curly and messy from moving around I assume. His mouth slightly open, so I felt his breath tickle my ear. I had to stop myself from giggling to avoid waking him up. He slept without a shirt and that gave me a nice view of his muscular body.

The events from last night flooded my mind and the grin on my face shows just how happy I am. Even if it felt like my social anxiety got in the way at some points throughout the day. The strength to pull through, to have even one ounce of fun and not sit at a table for the whole time pitying myself, was though but worth it. But how could I forget the ‘Instagram incident’? I couldn’t. People now know who the ‘mysterious woman’ is that danced with Sebastian and even kissed him. I wanted to go to every guest that took photos and videos and personally slap them. If it wasn’t for them, no one would know anything ever happened. I was too scared to look at my phone the whole time after that, forcing myself to turn it off completely.

But let’s get back to the good stuff, because even though the whole Instagram situation was bad and will probably continue to be bad, the beautifully romantic moments outweigh that for now. I don’t want to remember yesterday as the day everything kinda went to shit, no I want to remember it as the day Sebastian and I danced, kissed and had just a great time overall. But most importantly, that he is now my boyfriend.

I felt Sabastian kiss the top of my head and his arms puling me impossibly close. It felt like he was about to squish me to death and I let out a quiet laugh and groaned.

“Seb, I appreciate that you want to be close to me, but I had planned to live at least a few more years.” I tried desperately to move him away from me so I could breathe, but he wouldn’t loosen his grip around my body.

“Good morning, y/n.” He said with his voice raspy and low. His soothing voice almost pulling me back to sleep.

I was finally released from my prison and looked up to see him smiling. He let out a quiet laugh as he moved his lips closer to mine, kissing me softly and slow. And even though it has only been about a few hours since he kissed me, it felt just like the first time. The softness of his lips surprising me all over again and the way our lips moved so gracefully, making me melt into his touch even more.

With one final quick kiss, he pulled away from me and I couldn’t help but miss the feeling already. He looked me deeply in the eyes and I could sense a trace of sadness in his expression, despite his effort to keep the smile on his face believable. And I kind of knew why he seemed a little upset; we’re going back home in a few hours.

“Are you sad we’re going to leave?” I held his cheek with my hand and softly drew circles with my thumb, feeling the hairs of his beard underneath my thumb. He closed his eyes moving his head up towards my palm. He just hummed in response and nodded his head slightly. I gave him a quick kiss on his forehead and moved down to kiss the tip of his nose, lastly giving him a quick peck on his lips.

“Can you promise me one thing?” He opened his eyes again and took my hand in his. I was scared of what he was about to ask me to promise him. “Promise me, that nothing will change.”

“I promise.”

The car ride back home was filled with singing and laughing, to the point where we were out of breath by the time we got back to our apartment building, in busy Manhattan. Sebastian insisted on getting my suitcase himself, so I just stood and looked up at the tall brick building, reminiscing on how everything started here. The day I moved in, to Sebastian and I coming back from his best friend’s wedding as a couple.

He carried my suitcase to my door after useless arguing and me finally giving in. We stood at my door for a few seconds and stared into each other’s eyes, neither of us wanting to go and leave the other alone in their apartment.

“I better get going I have to get up early for work tomorrow. My boss hates when I’m late and I don’t want to miss having the first look at his swamp-coloured tie.” I smiled up at him as he towered over me, laughing and giving me a quick kiss. He pulled me into a warm and long hug, like we’re about to move to opposite sides of the world. It was dramatic, I have to admit, but we just started dating and our honeymoon phase started to thrive.

My apartment seemed so strange, like I’ve been gone for months. I looked around only to feel even more like an alien. Everything happened so quickly. It feels like I moved in just yesterday. Who would’ve known all of this would happen? A smile appeared on my face at the memories of everything that happened.

I sat on my couch with my laptop on my lap, typing away the events of the weekend. I got so excited to write about what happened and to share what I got to experience, that I forgot that it was supposed to be more like a fanfiction rather than a diary entry. But I didn’t realize that.

I made myself some dinner and sat at the breakfast bar, remembering how Sebastian leaned on it while I poured sugar into his container. I remembered how nervous I was that he was standing in my apartment. It all felt like it was a whole eternity ago but at the same time, like it just happened yesterday.

After eating, I decided that relaxing on my couch with a glass of wine and a good movie, would be the perfect way to end this weekend. But just ten minutes in, my phone started to light up and my notifications were flooded with comments on my latest chapter. I picked it up and read some of them and my heart froze mid beating. My chest started to feel heavier than it should and breathing was one thing I could no longer think about. People have noticed that the way I wrote this chapter no longer sounded like fiction, but rather like a ‘day in my life’. I deleted the post as fast as I could and hoped people wouldn’t take the assumptions any further.

I went to bed hoping to fall asleep but my thoughts were occupied elsewhere.

Apartment Taglist: (OPEN)

@funkenniffler @ghostbusterkevin @anxietyrosee @nikolett3

Permanent Taglist: (OPEN)

@fuckthatfeeling @funkenniffler @void-imaginations @dewy-biitch @7kindsofpurgatory

#Bucky Barnes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x you #bucky barnes x you #bucky imagine #bucky barnes imagine #bucky au #sebastian stan #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan x you #sebastian x reader #sebastian x you #sebastian stan au #neighbour!sebastian #modern au #nimi writes

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nothing-but-kpop-dreams · 7 years

Text

Mark Is Acting Weird: Epilogue

Author’s note: Finally We reached the epilogue. Thanks for sticking around for the series! Sorry for any errors.

Word Count: 1627

ALL PARTS

It was a relatively quiet night at the dorm. This was one of the few moments where they all had a chance to rest and be lazy. Mark took this chance to hide away in his room and forget the pressures of the idol life.

At the moment, Mark was laying on his bed listening to music. All was fine and dandy until a particular song came on. He thought he deleted it, but apparently he hadn’t. The song was y/n’s favorite song, one that she blasted over and over in the car. Before it could even get to the chorus, his mind was flooded with memories of y/n. Sure it had been at least a year and a half since they broke up, but he realized he still really missed her. Work had always been his best distraction, but right now was one of the few times that his mind refused to stop thinking about her. It was hard to erase their two years together and once more he was beating himself up for ruining it all.

Not wanting to dwell on his fuck up, Mark got himself out of bed and made his way to the kitchen. Food was going to be his distraction tonight.

He walked down the hall, hearing the familiar voices of his band mates coming from the kitchen.

“I’m excited to meet him!” He could hear Yugyeom’s voice. “I’ve only ever seen her boyfriend in the pictures she posted.”

Immediately Mark stopped in his tracks.

“I haven’t met him in person yet. But from what y/n’s told me alot about him, he doesn’t sound bad. Who was the one that met him already?” Bambam asked the group.

“I did.” Jb answered. “He’s pretty cool.”

“Not cooler than me though!” Jackson beamed. “I can’t believe she was able to move on from me.” he said with a dramatic sigh.

Then Youngjae’s laugh filled the room. “Shut up! You guys went on one date and then agreed that it was weird.”

“Um, excuse me! Haven’t you heard the saying “Once you go Jackson there… there ain’t no backin’!” Since we didn’t work out, she is just settling for the next best thing.” he said with a joking tone.

“Ok, one - you literally made that up right now.” Jinyoung groaned. “Two - I met him too and he’s way cooler than you.”

Mark made his steps as quiet as possible as he went closer and closer to their voices. A part of him wasn’t too surprised to hear that y/n was in a relationship, while the other half of him couldn’t help but continue to eavesdrop to hear what else he can learn about y/n. The idea of her in relationship was a concept he couldn’t grasp. It still felt as if just the other day he and y/n were cuddled on the couch, but now she was going to introduce her boyfriend to the guys.

Jackson let out a loud laugh. “I find that hard to believe! You’re so boring, everyone is cool compared to you.”

Jinyoung ignored Jackson’s comment and put his attention to Bambam. “Bambam, what time did she wants us to be there?”

“At 7”

“Ya!” Jb let out. “It’s 7:15! Guys, lets go, she’s probably already waiting.”

At his order, Mark heard the stampede of foot steps head out the door and soon the dorm was silent.

With the others gone, he shuffled into the kitchen. He was beginning to find himself saddened by the fact that everyone was seemed to move on except for him. Yeah, he went on a few dates here and there, but he didn’t find the connection he had with y/n. Y/n seemed fine without him and the guys no longer seemed to make the connection between him and y/n anymore, they all seemed to forget they met y/n through him. The last bit of information that one of them ever told him about her was Jackson, letting him know they went on a date, but it didn’t work out because he hung over their heads.

From what he was able to over hear, y/n was happy now… but that wasn’t good enough for him, he needed to know more. Before he knew it, he had his phone out. He was ready to search her name on every form of social media. Last time, he attempted to do this, she had blocked him on everything. Chances were he was still blocked, but it didn’t hurt to try.

He typed her name and surprisingly enough, he wasn’t blocked anymore. He didn’t know how it was possible, but he didn’t question it. Right away his thumb rolled over the screen and he skimmed through her whole feed.

Y/n’s profile was filled with posts; her account was alive. When he and y/n were together, she rarely ever posted anything. It was all in attempts to keep the relationship a secret. They didn’t want to take the risk of fans somehow making connections between the two of them. Now however, she posted about anything and almost everything.There were tons of pictures too, all of them filled with her beautiful smile. Her most recent pictures were filled with her “new boyfriend”. The new guy was a handsome guy, he hated to admit. There was a bittersweet feeling as he looked through all their pictures. Y/n was so happy, he hadn’t seen that from her in a while. He noticed that in most of the pictures, they were doing poses she would always beg him to do with her.Back then, he would always turn her down. In his mind, he felt if she liked a picture, she might be tempted to post it and risk exposing them and putting herself in the crossfire of crazy fans. The last thing he wanted was to put her through that, so he always played it safe.

It hurt him seeing her so happy with someone that wasn’t him. He always saw himself as the person to be there for her, make her happy, give her the life she deserved, but he wasn’t and he hated himself for it.

“She’s happy.” he whimpered to himself. “She’s happy, that’s what matters.” he repeated it over and over in attempts to convince himself to let her go.

Suddenly he heard the door bell. He jumped up and quickly blinked his eyes to clear his vision. “Who the heck would be here?” he asked himself. It didn’t make sense for anyone to ring the door bell, all the guys had their keys, heck even their parents had keys to the dorm.

He opened the door, seeing someone he didn’t think would ever come near the dorm. She stood in the hall, her small smile fading as she laid eyes on him. “Y/n?” She looked as beautiful as ever, so dolled up in her skirt, pretty coat and a face full of makeup. This was the opposite of how she would dress when they would go out. The go-to outfit when together was to dress as plain as possible to avoid being noticed.

“…Oh hey Mark…” she peeped

“Hey” he tried to smile, but he was so in shock to see her, his face probably wasn’t doing what his mind was telling it to do. “H-how’ve you been?”

“…good.” She avoided him eyes. “Are any of the guys here?” she asked, looking past him and into the dorm.

“Uh, no, they just left a few minutes ago.”

“Dammit! I should have known better than to text bambam last minute.” she mumbled to herself as she clenched the bundle of enveloped in her hands out of frustration.

“Ha, yeah, you should have texted Yugyeom at least.” he let out an awkward chuckle. He said anything to come off as normal. “We both know Bambam always ignores his texts.”

However, she didn’t even smile. “Well, i’m gonna give one of them a call… Bye”

“Wait!” his small voice was enough to keep her from walking away. “Uh… “ he pointed to the envelopes in her hand. “Were you gonna drop those off? I can give those to Bambam.” he played stupid and pretended to not know that she was originally going to meet the guys.

“Oh… nah. I was gonna give it to the guys, but they aren’t here so i’ll do it some other time.

“I - I can do it. It’s no problem.” he did want he could just to be able to see her a bit longer. “Even I don’t know when they’ll be back, so… I can do it if you want.”

She took a minute to think about his offer. “…ok, but only because i have a few other things to do and my boy- my ride is waiting for me and i know you guys are busy so i don’t know when i can see them.” she said it as if she was convincing herself to do it. she then very hesitantly handed him the envelopes.

He look down at them. There were six thick, gold envelopes, with the borders of them textured with an elaborate flower pattern. “Um, so what are these for anyway?” he couldn’t help but ask.

Her eyes shifted before she replied. “They are just invitations.”

“For? Uh, you know, if you don’t mind me asking…”

“My wedding”

“W-wedding?”

“Yeah” she said it as if he shouldn’t have been so surprised.

“Oh… Well congratulations.” again he tried to give a genuine smile and hide that fact that his whole body wanted to melt to the floor, but he wasn’t sure if his body was listening to his brain.

“Thanks. Bye” she said as she quickly trurned away and walked down the hall.

She moved away from his so fast, he didn’t have a chance to say bye back. He watched her go down the hall until she disappeared into the elevator. “Bye… I love you.” he mumbled.

-Admin Boat

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shadesofjoe · 4 years

Text

Down Under

It’s wild what a difference a year can make. I’ve not spoken publicly of things I’m about to share, though those closest to me are well aware of these events. It’s recently been suggested to me, however, that writing more openly about the situation would be a good final step in releasing the negative energy surrounding it, thus closing this path of catharsis I have traveled for the past few months. And if nothing else, it could serve as a cautionary tale for someone else who might be able to avoid some of the pitfalls I fell into.

I met her last January. Her name was Emily… at least that’s what she told me her name was. In retrospect, I’m guessing that was just another of many things that wound up not being true. But in my memory she will always be Emily, and for the purposes of this exercise, it’s probably best to leave it that way. She reached out to me through a post I made on a personals subreddit. She purported to be from Australia, which will no doubt ring a bell for those of you who were curious as to why I suddenly became very interested in Australian facts around this time last year. She claimed to be a veterinarian and, near as I can tell, there may have been a hint of truth to that. I don’t know. It’s all still kind of difficult to parse through, unfortunately.

Be that as it may, there seemed to be this instant chemistry between us. We spent a lot of time texting, talking on the phone, exchanging pictures and voice messages. I liked her. A lot. I thought there was this energy we had going on. It was the kind of authentic vibe I hadn’t felt in a very, very long time. I was attracted to everything about her, and better yet, she seemed to actually be attracted to everything about me. In retrospect, I should have perhaps been more skeptical of a seemingly beautiful woman from a foreign country being interested in someone of my portly stature, but even my well-developed self awareness still has its blind spots.

The trouble came, of course, a couple of days before our first scheduled video call. I don’t want to get into too many details, because honestly there’s just no way for me to know how much of what I was told was true, and how much wasn’t… which is its own problem. The important part is that the video call didn’t happen for reasons that were portrayed to me as very dramatic. There was about a two-week period of radio silence where the only interaction I had from her was the recognition that she was viewing my Instagram stories. I started posting stories every day just to see if she was still thinking of me during what she had laid out to me as a very difficult and emotionally challenging situation for her. I haven’t used Instagram since all this went sideways. I still can’t bear to open the app on my phone. I honestly have considered deleting it altogether. But I digress…

After the radio silence, Emily got back in touch with me and said that she wanted to come over for a visit to see if we would still have the same chemistry in person. Then she would know if this was something she could truly move forward with. Of course I was ecstatic. So plans were set for her to come in the early spring, which in retrospect would have been just about the time the coronavirus began to spiral out of control here in the United States. I sometimes wonder what life would have been like if things had turned out to be real. It wasn’t long before travel was restricted leaving the country, so she likely would have been stuck here for a while. It would have meant more time together discovering each other, showing her around Kentucky, introducing her to my friends, and maybe, just maybe, building something meaningful and lasting.

But of course none of that happened, because she never came. It was never real. And if I’m honest, I still feel like an idiot for ever believing it could have been.

Emily dropped out of contact again about a week before she was supposed to arrive. She resurfaced long enough to once again outline a very dramatic situation that involved her family. I will refrain from specifics because if it was a lie, then it’s an unspeakably awful one… but if for some strange reason even some of it was true, then it’s just as unspeakably awful. Either way, it was soul-crushing. In a single moment, I had gone from planning out a two-week whirlwind vacation to the reality that this woman was now disappearing from my life.

I am so unbelievably stupid sometimes.

Looking back with the benefit of not feeling that devastation again, it seems clear that the potential of a face-to-face encounter, just like a video call, had made her realize that she couldn’t keep up whatever this thing was. So cue the drama and then exit stage left.

I’m not so proud of this next part…

I asked the catfish subreddit for help determining just how badly I had been bamboozled. In doing so, I linked the Instagram account she was using for our correspondence. For all of my intellect, it genuinely never occurred to me that people might send nasty messages. I wasn’t thinking very clearly at all, truth be told. But lo and behold, the next day I get a pretty spicy message from Emily on Google Hangouts (she had blocked and unfollowed me on Instagram and Discord with nary a word about it) telling me that people had been sending her some really mean things.

That’s when a friend of mine who had managed to infiltrate her Instagram, unbeknownst to me, sent me a screencapped photo of a woman on a beach, legs intertwined with another man’s with champagne glasses in both their hands. It was a first-person perspective photo, so I couldn’t see faces. But obviously it made this already strange situation seem a million times worse. I called Emily out on this, and the only thing she could say in reply is that she had “made the right choice.”

I spent the next few months floundering, trying to make sense of the million little pieces my heart had been shattered into. I really opened up to this person. I trusted her. I believed her when she said that she had feelings for me. But none of it was true. As you can imagine, I’ve spent a good amount of time dealing with this in my therapy. It’s hard to not have answers. Even in a brief email exchange some months later, Emily said it was all a big misunderstanding and that she hadn’t whisked off on some romantic getaway. But honestly those pictures likely weren’t even of her, either. There’s literally no way to know what the actual truth behind his whole fucked up situation, and that has been the most difficult thing to navigate over this past year. The utter deceit of it all reaches depths I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams.

So am I foolish? Yes. Of course I am. I think that’s just part of my personality. I don’t necessarily view it as a character flaw, per se. But it certainly bit me in the ass here. This was definitely a lesson in how to temper that naiveté with a healthy amount of skepticism. I don’t do so well with balance though, so the pendulum swung hard in the other direction for quite a while. It’s closer to the middle now, but I still have more than my share of moments where I wonder if love is a real possibility for me.

I’ve done so much inner work. I’m very proud of the person I’ve become on the inside. I’m kind, thoughtful, generous, empathetic, funny, intelligent, and possess a host of other intangible qualities that make me a very compelling person. But I am also fat and there’s no getting around it. (Pun somewhat intended?) And a woman of Emily’s purported beauty and social status dating a fat guy, no matter how amazing, is just not indicative of the reality in which we live. It’s the kind of situation you would only ever see on a television show or in a movie. But that’s not real life. And perhaps if I had understood that better, I wouldn’t have had my heart broken into a million little pieces.

But this isn’t a sob story. I’m legitimately okay now. Therapy has been a godsend and I’ve done a lot of really important work to heal from it all. But of course there are… remnants. It’s not the kind of thing you can ever completely wipe from your memory. It happened. It’s over. And I’ve moved on. Part of that is accepting that being a bachelor for the rest of my life is a distinct possibility, and perhaps may be a likelihood. At some point you have to face facts, you know? When you can confront yourself with that kind of honesty, the likelihood of someone being able to pull the wool over your eyes again dramatically decreases. Besides, I’ve got children to raise. A life to lead. I don’t really have time for childish fantasies of serendipity anymore. If I’ve learned nothing else from this ordeal, it’s that such fairy tales just aren’t real.

If you have read this far, thank you for indulging me. I really hope there’s something of value for you here. I guess I feel that if being open my mistakes can somehow help someone else avoid the same pitfalls, then it gives an added layer of meaning to them for me. So perhaps it’s a bit of a selfish pursuit intertwined with an altruistic one. That’s probably a question best left for the philosophers and dime-store psychologists among us.

#loss #heartbreak #lessons #healing #australia #catfish #serendipity

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