#don't reblog this is just me venting.

[mothman-dyke]

as someone who has attended a community college, an extremely small and rural state college, and now a large (50000-student!) university, I am always comparing the differences in these experiences. and am aware that each experience is going to have its pros and cons. but honestly my time in grad school at this larger university has been a deeply radicalizing and upsetting experience.

I found attending community college, even at a young age as I did (18-20) really rewarding in that, because of the age-diversity of the student body, instructors were extremely respectful of their students as people with lives of their own. That wasn't quite so prominent at the state college, but you had a lot of well-intentioned liberal-ish types. they were hyper-respectful of student-professor boundaries, were very "it's ok to be LGBT!" and still baseline pretty chill.

In contrast, my experience in grad school has been a trainwreck. professors broadly feel entitled to your time at their discretion and often feel angry if you aren't available at any time. they trample over boundaries and, perhaps because the student-body is broadly older, feel comfortable saying pretty much anything. more than anything, though, in this progressive, university in a medium-sized city, I encounter more unhinged bigotry than I did in ether of my previous experiences. (Author's note: I also encounter far less female professors, which might have something to do with it.) Male professors have trampled boundaries, made sexualized comments to female students, and at every turn condescended to, berated, and verbally abused female students who don't fall in line and defer to them. the same professors have imitated my accent, compared lesbian sexuality to porn, and been openly shocked and agitated if students don't have the newest iphones.

this post is mostly about venting. I have always been passionate about academia and loved my time at my previous institutions, and this experience has been extremely disappointing in many ways. I have never felt more aware of how progressive misogyny, homophobia, and bigotry at large work within the institution, and I am deeply fucking disillusioned.

[54625]

I know we're all quite disappointed, now, about all of the things QSMP had going that will likely never happen. So I'm curious; what things can you think of, big or small, did we never get to see? A big arc planned, character growth that never occurred, a build never started or finished, a plot point that went nowhere, a question that was never answered, people who never reunited or met, even just a person reacting to/ seeing something.

Feel free to list as many as you can think of, or rant to your heart's content. We could all do with getting some of that grief of missed potential of our chests.

[koka-mi]

Oh my gosh whyyyy am I so obsessed with numbers I don't like it at all this is driving me INSANEEEE😭😭IT'S GETTING WORSE AND WORSE AS THE DAYS GO BY AAAA

[novantinuum]

continually annoyed by how every single post i've seen supporting the notion that "the journal pages in BoB were fakes" just feels like thinly veiled anti material

[tpup]

I need to curl up in a ball and cry like I'm purging a poison and have someone hold me through it and run their hands through my hair, rub my back and hug me close. I don't think I want to talk about it. I just want comfort that doesn't come with strings attached. I want to be held and not have them make me feel like I owe them sex in return. I don't want to think they're just putting up with me so they can use me after.

[strongintherealgay]

I'm gonna be so fucking real when I say that I'm tired of the narrative that many of the disabled community is pushing that most disabled people don't want to be cured and wouldn't choose to not be disabled if the opportunity arose. I have a chronic illness that is going to just get worse over the years and has made my recovery from a recent injury more complicated than it should be. I've had to pass on career opportunities because there is no possible way for me to take them up even with accommodations. I am unable to do physical activities that I have wanted to do my entire life because the risk of permanent injury for me is so high. Because it is genetic, I have seen how it manifests in old age via my paternal grandmother and I do not want that for myself. It is not ableist for me to not want this condition. It's me simply not wanting to be in pain, to be injured, and to be unable to do things I want to do.

I have been that person who tried so hard to not just want to be able-bodied, but fuck it I want to be able-bodied! I know it is still possible for many people to live a fulfilling life with my illness and disability, but I don't want to have to work harder for that life. If I was given the chance to live my life without pain and constant injury, I would. It will never happen because it is in my DNA, and I hate it.

And before anyone accuses me of internalized ableism, I am proud of how far I have come while having a lifelong disability. Despite the constant pain, I have survived horrible circumstances outside my disability that nobody should have to endure. The fact I have lived independently until my most recent injury has been impressive. It shouldn't be impressive, being that I'm 25, but it is. I'm proud of myself and every disabled person who has managed to live in an ableist society. Unfortunately, it isn't the ableism that makes me wish I wasn't disabled. It's my actual disability.

[tinystepsforward]

ngl it makes me want to die a little bit that it's so often trans people who feel that sex is mutable but oppression is always-forever based on asab in ways that allow them to demand that information from other trans people. like it feels fucking bad. it feels bad when it's people holding up someone who posts a lot of selfies as transition goals to a degree they have to clarify what they have or haven't done or what "direction" they're going in, it feels worse when people are out there like "caster semenya is not tma" or whatever the fuck. i am, as always, not a trans woman, but here's a sentiment echoed by many of the trans women around me who log the fuck off, quoted directly from one: "people who draw a clear line where they say that semenya or khelif are tme and then call me tma are just calling me male at this point".

like i get it. i really do. we seek community and shared experiences, and we feel betrayed when people have less in common with us than we thought they did. [*more on this later.] but that's not those people's faults and my god in the case i'm seeing play out on twitter rn this poor person did absolutely nothing to intentionally mislead people, just posted pictures of their actual kid self. who looks a lot like i did, because shockingly enough "we can always tell" doesn't fucking work for trans people either!

on the one hand i move in intersex circles which are unapologetically welcoming in cis "dyadic" people with pcos, because it serves nobody to draw a clear line where mutilation or genetics or some ineffable childhood suffering are what make somebody intersex, especially when most of us (esp in places like nz) have never been karyotyped and are being treated for symptoms without a pinned-down cause anyway. the more of us there are the stronger we are, the more pressure we can exert on a medical profession which doesn't like to consider how common outliers are, how uneasy sex is at all. and then on the other hand there's dyadic trans people on the internet who've yelled me out of spaces because a couple of traumatised incarcerated trans women i worked with as a prison abolitionist assumed i was also a trans woman and i didn't immediately tell them my entire csa-involved history of being sexed in varying ways as an infant and child and/or exactly how big my phallus was at birth or where in my junk config my urethra lives so they could decide i was tme or whatever.

returning to the * for a related but not identical thought: i think presuming shared experiences leads to some fucked shit in general! "oh we all had a radfem phase" or "oh we all were channers" no we fucking weren't and it's particularly obnoxious when me & mine are trying to build trans community locally to organise and resist the growing wave of far-right backlash against our existence, and there's just white people in there on a spectrum from "straight up being antisemitic and trying to get the n-word pass" through "handwringing about how they need to make space for people who aren't politically correct" to "handwringing about how brown people are right to be mad at them but doing shit fuckall". and then the other fucking brown people in the space are on some identity politics shit where they're like "trans joy inherently excludes those of us who could get deported" or "big city white queers are killing us by being visible instead of going stealth bc it stirs up the discourse" or whatever the fuck i've heard pulled out this year. there's a bunch of reasons i primarily organise outside of trans spaces and that's one of them. i've never felt more alone in spaces where people claim we're all the same than being left as the brownest moderator or organiser in a space full of people to whom "this is a safe trans space" apparently means they get to abdicate all other responsibilities not to lapse into presumed shared patterns that are fucking racist or otherwise alienating. i've never felt more alone than surrounded by exclusively trans people who sort people into boxes and assume everyone in those boxes has the transition goals they have. like i was on cypro until it disagreed with me to the point of endocrine crisis and now i'm on t and at both those points people were so fucking presumptive or entitled to my reasons or journey or personal relationship w my body

literally just submitted on (and was invited to consult on) the nz law commission's review of the human rights act and like. it's straight up fucked how many nz trans people fully do not comprehend that any "sex assigned at birth" type definitions fundamentally exclude migrants who have no way of proving it and many intersex people who happen to have been reassigned later or many times or never assigned at all as a baby. we can't make law with this shit and that's why we have to have symmetrical protections for all genders/sexes/expressions/presentations, bc naming and defining a protected class here often leaves the people who already are left out from those shared experiences of marginalisation out in the cold when they face violence

[ilovedthestars]

i understand and appreciate the sentiment behind them but god, as someone in the process of getting an art degree and intending to pursue a career in art, those "don't get a job doing what you love because you'll start to hate it" posts are depressing

[oathkeeper-of-tarth]

Also I quit my job of what would in about a month or two have been 10 years, and perhaps now I will get to actually be a human being again.

[chaos-potat]

I feel like being mutuals means so much less than everyone makes it seem

You literally just follow each other, that's it

Most of my mutuals probably don't even remember who I am after I stopped drawing for them

Edit: the rant in the tags is more about being annoyed with people who tell me they like my art and follow me, but that's it, no art support at all

[sparklykat-hideoutenthusiast]

Last night's mood:

Not all of these are pictures from last night. Only the first three are..

Do not read the tags. Just don't. It's a bit personal. I didn't put them there to share, only to vent it out so please don't read them.

[tsundereition]

omg guys proshipper isn't "basic dni criteria", like that list is supposed to represent actual irl issues(*), not some 2020 internet discourse. you guys are so annoying like if you're uncomfortable interacting with proshippers i understand and respect it, although you probably have a very twisted idea of what the word means (would make a separate post abt it but there are hundreds already). but please don't equate it to actual crimes. (*)also do you seriously think that a bigot troll is going to read your dni and be magically expelled from your strong aura. if anything it's going to make them want to harass you more. it's obvious that those lists are just a pose like "if i don't put racists dni they're gonna think i'm racist" NO aaagh you don't have to over-specify(?) everything about you when interacting online can we please go back to being normal istg. reject modernity embrace not writing a dni list and just blocking people like a normal person <3

[oceanera12]

Right, that's it--

I do not care who you are. I do not care where you come from. I do not care what your situation might be. But if you come into my inbox asking for money, you will not get any.

I do not know you. You are a stranger on the internet and have no way of confirming you are who you say you are. So what makes you think I'm going to promote you or whatever story you have chosen to put into my inbox?

Kriff off.

(and to anyone else who's getting messages asking for money in their inbox, I highly encourage you to delete them and block them if necessary because I am 90% sure they are bots. There is a reason we have something called "internet safety" and you should not trust everyone and everything you read on the internet)

[llycaons]

I saw a slightly obnoxious post like 'wow you realize it DOES make you feel better when you read more books and do x and y and z' and had my typical instantly contrarian thought of 'well sometimes....but some books this year I read pissed me the fuck off' but readings those books enhanced my enjoyment of the books I actually like so in a roundabout way I guess it was true..

[violetdisasterzone]

it's kind of sad to say but sometimes I think I'm not cut out for fandom. I've always been more of a lurker than a contributor anyway, but even then I feel like I might just be too much of a canon purist to really be part of them. so much of being on the internet is about curating your own experience, but fanon (mis)interpretations/characterizations are so rampant in some spaces, treated as canon to such an extent that some people literally believe they ARE, that they're often hard to avoid completely.

the point of fandom isn't supposed to be nitpicking every little thing for accuracy, obviously. I like talking with people about my favorite things, and seeing how my thoughts and interpretations match up with theirs. I don't expect everyone's experience with whatever media to be the same. but I think a lot of people view canon as something separate, as something they get to play around with and take the parts they like and change what they don't. and that's fine, but I don't really get it, not entirely. I like playing around with hypotheticals and what-ifs and stuff, but to me canon is always going to be superior/unchangeable. and it's even worse when people will try to use canon to explain that their blatantly fanon-based interpretations are, in fact, canon somehow. and it gets even WORSE when it turns into actual discourse, and suddenly people are claiming that not following their fanon interpretation means something about your real-life values.

it's just kind of exhausting sometimes. I love a lot of y'all on here and it can be so fun to be a part of things, even mostly from the sidelines. but sometimes all I want is to close social media forever and reread my novels in peace

[thescreamcorner]

y'know it's funny that they block evaded to keep using ableist arguments and accuse ME of "forcing syscourse on CDDs who don't give a shit", not only because it proved that this wasn't just "I'm uncomfortable seeing it" through going out of their way to reblog from another blog and therefore not making ANY attempt to curate their own experience, but ALSO through their main having a pinned about "here's proof endos are valid", meaning this also had to do with their OWN syscourse opinions.

So here, reminder! Block the goddamn anti endo tag if you don't want to see those posts. If you don't want your feed feeling clogged with "this post is hidden", start blocking the blogs that come up with those posts! And endos and pro-endos, FUCKING BLOCK ME INSTEAD OF COMING AT ME ON MY BLOG AND BEING ABLEIST PIECES OF SHIT, LET ALONE THEN TRY TO JUSTIFY IT BECAUSE YOU CANT BE ASSED TO CURATE YOUR OWN FEED BETTER.