#don't ask me anything I just think it's funny okay
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stuck in an elevator
Someone with a sick sense of humor must be writing my life, because a benevolent God sure as hell would never plan this, Tommy thinks in his bitchiest mental tone. Then he snorts. As if anyone would be interested enough to write a single paragraph about him.
The other occupant of the elevator pointedly does not look at him. Evan Buck keeps his tone so neutral, it's almost robotic. "What's so funny?"
"Nothing. I mean, of all the places in Los Angeles to visit on a day off, we end up at LACMA together. And now we're stuck in the same elevator. What are the odds?" The ludicrously serendipitous nature of this encounter is keeping Tommy from other, less-pleasant thoughts, namely being trapped in a space without a view of the outside world. His pulse is starting to race.
They tried calling 911, but the signal in the elevator was poor. Thankfully the emergency intercom did connect to the museum's operations office, who has contacted emergency services.
"I should've taken the stairs," Tommy grumbles. His skin itches with the need to feel fresh air.
"With that boot on your ankle? Then you're dumber than I thought you were." Evan Buck finally glances over, his blue eyes scanning him from head to toe. "How did you injure yourself anyway?"
"Tripped when I was getting out of the bird," Tommy replies honestly.
Evan Buck scoffs and shakes his head, but his expression softens. "You doing okay otherwise?"
There are so many ways Tommy can answer. He can pretend he is perfectly okay. Somewhat okay. He can claim that he misses Evan Buck, but he wants to be friends, just friends. He can be flippant. Make it funny, keep things superficial.
But this is Evan asking him.
"I miss you like a heartbeat" is what comes out instead. And it's true - Tommy feels like an automaton, moving through time, his routines carrying him along from dawn till dusk.
Entire days going by without a single text from Evan Buck feel empty and pointless. The bedsheets need to be laundered but Tommy doesn't want to lose the final traces of the last time they slept in the same bed. There are books Evan Buck brought over to read when Tommy wants to watch a movie.
And now they are stuck together, in an enclosed metal box, and Tommy is trying not to think about that while also trying not to think about how much he wants to kiss Evan. So he vacillates between a bone-deep phobia and a bone-deep yearning.
"I'm sorry. That was too heavy to lay on you like that." His fingers are clammy where his palms are on the mirrored wall. Licking his lips, he says, "But I don't want to lie to you. Not about anything. But I'm good otherwise, Evan."
"I'm not." Evan inhales deeply and blows out his breath. "I'm... I'm baking every time I think about texting you or calling you. The loft smells like a goddamn bakery. And still, still I can't forget the way you smell, the way you sound, the way you fucking taste. I want - I want so badly - to turn back time, figure out what I said wrong that made you run from me. Maybe I wanna be mad at you. I don't know. But I'm not good, Tommy. I'm not gonna be good for a long time."
"I'm sorry," Tommy begins, but Evan cuts him off.
"I don't want you to be sorry," he snaps, and to Tommy's shame, his eyes well up with tears. "I want you to be mine. I want to be yours. I want... I want us, together. That's what I want. I don't wanna be good, I don't want you to be sorry, I want us to be happy together, that's all I fucking want!"
The silence that falls between them is thick as concrete.
His hands and feet are cold now, and he thinks he is a little dizzy. Gulping down a breath, Tommy says, "I shouldn't have run. It was... I was afraid. That... that you'd see me and everything I'm not."
This is when Evan sighs and turns to face him. "I should've chased after you. I was afraid too. I moved too fast, I know now. But you running away and ghosting me after was a dick move."
"I guess we both have a lot to work through." Tommy manages a tight smile. He is starting to feel lightheaded, and his breathing is picking up pace despite his best efforts to stay calm and distract himself with Evan's presence. His hands are clammy and he tries to wipe them dry on his jeans. "Evan?"
"Tommy?"
"How long before 911 arrives?" Tommy's mouth is dry. His vision sparks and he is valiantly trying to hold on to his composure, but he feels like he's boiling in his dark blue henley; he needs air, he needs the sky, he needs space to flee-
"Tommy!" Evan is right next to him, keeping him from collapsing and hurting himself. His touch grounds Tommy in the present moment, and his face this close blocks out the sight of the metal coffin they are stuck in. "They'll be here soon, okay? It's all good, they'll be here soon. Breathe for me, come on, inhale , two, three, four; hold, two. three, four..."
Evan talks him through the breathing exercises, holding him up and against himself, all the way even after the elevator lurches back to life and delivers them to the next floor safely.
After he's helped out of the elevator, Tommy wretches and vomits all over the floor, some of the sick getting on Evan's nice shoes.
"Sorry," says Tommy, eyes tearing from the force of the nausea, his big frame trembling.
"They're just shoes," says Evan, soothing a hand along his spine. To the attending paramedic, he says, "He has mild claustrophobia. Not usually a problem, but we were in there a while."
Tommy follows the paramedic - Jefferson - to a bench, accepting a quick look-over. To his surprise, Evan stays with him. Jefferson doesn't see anything wrong other than shock and leaves them with a blanket when another call comes in, about some old man and a broken hip.
Tommy finally recovers after about twenty minutes. He smiles wryly at Evan. "Sorry. You don't have to stick around, there's a lot to see in LACMA."
"Tough luck chasing me off," says Evan. There's a determined set to his jaw.
"Evan, I mean, Buck, surely you have other places to go."
"First of all, I hate hearing you call me Buck. Second of all, I'm not going anywhere. I know exactly what I want, and I'm pretty sure I know what you want."
"Yeah? What do I want?"
"To be my forever," says Evan. He looks Tommy in the eye. "And I know enough about myself and relationships, a-and love, to say that I want you to be my forever too. So. Hah. I'm sticking around. Sucks to be you."
Tommy huffs out an amused and exasperated breath. "Still a brat."
"Yeah? Well, you can either put up with me, or you can do something about it." But there's no hiding the curl of his lips.
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hey, i love your blog & your advice & wanted to seek some of my own if thats okay. i made a friend recently who i think is great - we've been through very similar mental health struggles and we're both autistic and i've had many a time where he's told me really compassionate and helpful things, and he's very accepting of my struggles & seeks me out to hajg out, which a lot of people don't do - but i just can't shake the feeling that he's subtley making fun of me or insulting me? he definitely has a sense of humour prone to teasing, which i am very sensitive to, and i've expressed this to him... but it's just like, these little things, like when he wanted me to come to something with him but i have plans, he'll say something like 'dissapointed you didn't come with me...' or 'well if you were COOL you would have come with me' and it makes me very upset? like i said i've brought it up to him multiple times, but it seems like it's just his sense of humour, but it's beginning to seriously weigh on me. he's said he wants to do better by me and asked me what the line is but i feel like i don't know, sometimes our running jokes about me being a bottom are funny and then they suddenly get too much, and it feels like i'm reacting to the lightest comment (like when he comments that i'm late to things a lot or asks me if im going to be late) sometimes, i don't know how to express what i'm actually getting upset at. do you think there's anything i can do to make this situation better? i really don't want to lose him as a friend, and i want to work on my sensitivity, i just don't know if this is something i can work through
This is tough, but you're doing the important work of communicating about it. I'm a lot like your friend sometimes -- I notice patterns in how people cancel or turn up late to things, and then will state directly that I've observed it, or make predictions based on that pattern, which hurts people's feelings even when I mean it in a completely neutral or even affectionate way. Sometimes when intimacy between me and another person builds, I want to show that closeness by kind of play-fighting with them or making little sarcastic jokes or remarks, which can be wonderfullll when the energy is met, but it can also misfire and really hurt people. I'm putting this out there so that you and any one else reading can feel free to ask about this perspective. For me, it's not intended to be cruel, it's intended to show that I know and accept someone as they are, and find their traits endearing, and I LOVE when people playfully rib me too. it may also be an outgrowth of PDA and attachment trauma -- a way I can feel safe with getting closer is by pretending to keep a distance.
That said, I also HATE when someone guilts me for not being available for something, not wanting to do something, or not showing up. Again, it's the PDA there. I would really really hate someone giving me shit for not going to an event with them, as your friend did, I find that stuff incredibly manipulative and unpleasant, and I personally would be very bothered by those remarks too. So I can understand, I think, both sides of things here!
My question for you would be how your friend responds when you tell him that his remarks have hurt your feelings. I think there is room for a middleground in such matters -- he should work on calibrating his barbed remarks, and you can remember the goodness of the friendship and temper your reactions to some things sometimes, but he HAS to view your concerns as legitimate and be willing to apologize first. Does he freak out and self-victimize or blow things out of proportion when you speak up? Has he stopped making any specific kinds of remarks because you asked? Have you asked? Are you comfortable telling him that something bothers you, even when you can't fully explain why?
I think that if this friendship is going to negotiate both your approaches, it will be done in the gray areas. Sometimes you'll feel triggered by a relatively benign remark, and that deserves talking about! Sometimes he'll say something in completely the wrong way, and he'll need to apologize, and that should be talked about too! It's never inappropriate for you to bring up your feelings, even if you can't give him perfect guidelines as to what he should say or not say. And he should have some leeway to express his care for you in his own way, to an extent, too -- this doesn't mean you should let him do things that hurt you, more that you should try to operate with the base assumption that anything he says comes from his position as your friend who cares about you. That's IF he has actually consistently shown he cares about you and your feelings. If he hasn't, that's another matter.
I hope that makes sense! tldr; keep talking about it. Keep sharing how you feel. Listen to him and watch his patterns of behavior, and if he shows consistently that he does care about your feelings, then you can let that trust help you to process and temper some of your hurt when he accidentally hits your insecurities sometimes.
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Re: the earlygame beef between Mammon and MC. I always find it so funny whenever I see the (abundantly common, entirely typical) "Mammon has been there for us since day one! Our first man! Mammon is the only brother who never threatened to kill us or try to hurt us!" posts. Because it's just...so incredibly obvious how wrong they are? I have to assume that the people making those posts either literally never played the actual game at all, or they played with their eyes closed. Or perhaps they don't know how to read.
Because the game was literally shoving the fact that Mammon hates your guts and wishes you were dead in your face for like 2 or 3 Lessons straight. On day one when he first meets you? He can't stand your ass. He wants you gone. All the way up until you make a pact with him, and even for a little while AFTER making a pact, Mammon actively despises you and tells you so himself. And then multiple other characters (including Diavolo, Barbatos, and Lucifer) ALSO come along and give you extremely obvious exposition like "wow, it's Mammon's job to watch over you and protect you in this hostile new environment? And he abandoned you the first chance he got, leaving you to the wolves? Haha, classic Mammon. Of course he abandoned you to get eaten by other demons, what a goofy guy"
And YOU LITERALLY ARE ALMOST EATEN BY DEMONS. BECAUSE MAMMON DIDN'T GAF ABOUT DOING HIS JOB AND DITCHED YOUR ASS. The manga goes into more detail about it too, showing that you literally came to harm because Mammon abandoned you when he was supposed to keep you safe. And later on when you call Mammon out, he threatens to kill you and eat you. To your face. He literally does that.
Idk, it's just crazy to me how badly people can mischaracterize these things. I know that Mammon is the fandom baby or w/e but Mammon fans in particular love to rewrite history and infantilize him as this sweet innocent woobie who never did anything wrong. "Mammon is the only brother who never wanted to kill us!" you're literally lying, lol. He threatens to kill you and eat you to your face. "Mammon loved us from the very beginning!" No he didn't, he repeatedly told you that he hated you lmao.
This happens with other characters too, yeah. People include Beel as part of the "never tried to hurt us" group even though he absolutely DID try to hurt us when Mammon physically force-fed us his custard (another thing Mammon did to deliberately harm us) Also Satan gets thrown in the "one of the bad ones who tried to hurt us" camp, despite never actually doing anything to us. He gets angry and goes on an edgy little rant, but if you actually know how to read you'll notice that he doesn't ever actually DO anything to harm us or try to kill us. He never makes any kind of move to actually harm us, but everyone assumes he does? Wild. But Mammon gets this the worst for some reason.
I could go into a whole entire separate spiel about how the Mammon infantilization also applies to the "everyone bullies him for no reason even though he's literally an innocent pure baby who never did anything wrong ever" but I'm just gonna double the length of this already long rant. What's crazy is I don't even dislike Mammon, he's cool. But oh my god some Mammon fans can be absolutely fucking insufferable 😭
Woobie 😭 I'm sorry, I know there's like paragraphs happening here but that word sent me lol.
I'm gonna level with you here, anon. This kinda thing just does not bother me in the slightest. I mean it doesn't matter to me if people mischaracterize or rewrite the story to fit their preferences. If it makes them happy, then they can go ahead and live their truth.
I think I probably land somewhere in between on the Mammon characterization scale, mostly because I like when he's a lil pathetic~
Anyway, if you want me to get into the nitty gritty of how I characterize Mammon, I can certainly do that. But I kinda get the vibe that you just needed to rant a bit. And that's okay, my ask box is always open for ranting or rambling or anything else!
#sorry I just love the word woobie dkfjf#and I just don't have the energy to get worked up about stuff like this#I think I'll leave this out of the tags though#anon asks#misc answers
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also did you know that kylar actually bathes every day? he just gets greasy rlly fast, i think that's what really brings home the sopping wet pathetic cat look lmao
Really now? It's like rat is actually a very clean animal!
#dollya ask#dol pc#dollya art#dol#degrees of lewdity#sydney the fallen#dol sydney#kylar the loner#dol kylar#dol: homestead au#don't ask me anything I just think it's funny okay#my deepest condolences to easily greasy and sweaty guys out there thou you've been through a lot I know it
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this is apropos of nothing because i've never even played the solas romance, but him just telling the inquisitor that vallaslin are slave markings and immediately offering to remove them has always been so funny to me because i just imagine hearing that would have ME like. what even are your sources, bro. "it came to me in a dream" doesn't count what are your actual fucking sources on this, this is kind of seriously impactful and i'd like A LITTLE BIT of proof before i let you do tattoo removal on my face, is all
#it always makes me laugh because without already being spoiled WHY WOULD I BELIEVE HIM#he offers NO sources. he has NO citations. WHERE DO YOU RECEIVE THIS INFORMATION#to be clear: *I* know. but if i played that blind i would just not have believed him because he doesn't provide sources for ANYTHING#the ancient history major inside me rattling the bars of her cage WHY don't they let me at least ASK him for citations????#anyway#this is incredibly apropos i was just thinking about it again it's very funny to me#rosie plays games kinda okay#that dragon sure does age
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made a tierlist of my kuwagami fics for funsies (+ notes for a few) ↓
(everything listed in the same tier are equals, so the order they're listed in has no meaning)
#jitxt#fic extras#for those of you who also frequent the kuwagami ao3 tag ❤#crazy that i have enough fics posted to be able to even do this lmao#i probably could write notes for each of these but i wanted to keep it short and sfw. too much text makes the tierlist harder to parse#judging from the tiers here you can see i think pretty positively of my (posted) work which is probably for the best!#eating my own kuwagami food or whatever 👍#“jichan what's that fic with the big long title in A tier” nothing don't worry about it#OKAY okay joking aside that one is in the drafts but it already has a name#and also i like teasing. and also it's a funny name lol#i said that as a joke while writing the 7k long fic from last sunday six#and fourwhitetrees told me that i better make that the title. and listen. how could i say no to that?#tentative A tier since new fic = excited for it. maybe it's actually B tier quality but for now it's there#hopefully i post it soon#everybody say thank you to fourwhitetrees for giving me feedback so fast so i can (hopefully) also post it fast#i don't always ask for feedback but for this one specifically i wanted it#anyways! a peek into my mind for you all...#if anybody actually has a favourite of my fics i would love to hear it... or if anybody has an ask or anything... 👉👈#no pressure though i just like talking about kuwagami and my work#my assumption is that most people have no deep thoughts about it anyways
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not doing well tonight folks! but yet we persist 💪
#chemi chats#tried to draw today and it felt awful. all my brushes felt wrong and anything i tried to draw felt shit. so i stopped that.#art's not going. writing's barely going. everything seems to just make me feel sad.#tried listening to music. and reading skills fics. and playing some games. and eating and drinking water but im still not feeling good.#feelin really tired and restless and frustrated and annoying. rsd calm down nothing's even happening dude. chill.#just. not feeling great and i don't know why... oh well. we persist!! we keep going!! it's gonna be okay eventually 💪✨#(<- funny silly emojis) i think i'll eat an orange and then maybe sleep? or write some more? idk creative endeavors seem like a wash :/!#alas :l#edit: oh shit hello the furies i will listen to your cool songs and answer your ask soon <3
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Some of those doctors make hating oat milk their entire personality. I hate them. Cannot pretend to find them funny or like i give a shit. Fucking pretentious assholes
#also my colleague (the girl i had my shift with) is the exact opposite of me in all aspects. asked me if I'd ever worked in customer service#because i couldn't care less about being fake friendly to assholes and don't care if they like the service or not#like bitch those people don't have any other choice but drink our fucking coffee it's not like I'm competing with anyone#or like they pay us in any way. i get paid for doing the dumb work i have to do not for stroking some dumb ass doctors' egos#they come out of their rooms once an hour to get coffee and we have the cups on the table and i wouldn't even Think of#HANDING them the cups and smiling sweetly at them and asking 'coffee? tea?? :))'#I'll just assume these grown adults will get their stupid coffee or tea when they want some. it's not like they don't know where it is#(and i AM friendly and smile when someone is coming in our direction but why the fuck do you need to get so disgustingly friendly with them#if someone held up a cup asking if i.want some coffee I'd leave immediately even if i came just for coffee. it's creepy)#anyway. she's nice. I'm not.#there's normal people who will get their coffee and maybe ask if the milk in the little jug is cow milk to which I'll happily reply 'yes#:)'. then there's the other people who see the oat milk and make it clear they are the most insufferable people on the planet#(and i pity their patients so much. not much to choose from i guess but if i had that as a doctor I'd happily just die)#like everyone who took oatmilk could do it without making a fuss about the cow milk on the table. the cow milk lovers could never#'the oat milk is in front of the actual milk. this is unacceptable. i hate such healthy bullshit' lol okay#'OAT milk?? I'll leave this to the horses! THANK GOD you have actual milk!'#my favorite was the one who really took personal offense with its sheer presence. as if it had killed half of his patients lmao#'we had 50 patients with xyz problem. ALL of them drink oat milk. they cannot see the connection. it's really unhealthy'#at this point i just said i didn't care and stopped paying attention and he started complaining to his doctor colleague about how#oat milk is advertised to be healthy and how it's actually the opposite and i just find that very funny compared to the first comment#from that one guy who doesn't like such healthy bullshit. you guys need to find a consensus on the oatmilk issue i think. no one takes you#seriously if you contradict yourself like this. also i couldn't care less about the healthiness of the milk alternative of my choice. bitch.#next week I'll end up killing someone. i hope they all die from their cow milk. (but not the ones who took cow milk and didn't say anything#about the oat milk. they can continue living as they didn't annoy me)#void screams#some of these doctors were actually quite nice (most of them even). one even brought an applicant to us telling her to get some coffee#(which we are not allowed to give to applicants. but i don't care. I'd rather they get something than some of the asshole jury members#who hate oat milk (which is not the issue. the issue is them making it everybody else's issue that they don't like oat milk))
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no one asked but the music in argenti's quest was driving insane for a while and i was wondering why only to realize that they both sound very ff13-esque.
"Cosmic Sacrifice for Love" sounds like "Giant's Fist" by Naoshi Mizuta
"A Gentleman's Fantasy"... I can't even pinpoint exactly which Masashi Hamauzu song it sounds like BUT IT USES A LOT OF SIMILAR HAMAUZU MOTIFS AND ITS REALLY GOOD LMAO just like listen to "Blinded by Light" :)
#I WAS WONDERING WHY I WAS FIXATED ON THESE SONGS IN PARTICULAR I CRACKED THE CASE#THE CASE IS I HAVE NEVER MOVED ON FROM THIS GAME#i would ask to leave but unfortunately ff13 owns my soul and i don't really want to take it back#no this is not a push to make people play ff13 what hahaha hahahahaahahahhahah#nah i just. i miss ff13. but whats new LAKSJDHLFADSKJHLKJH#like every other day ill go 'man i miss ff13' and do nothing about it. bc i really cant#i MEAN TECHNICALLY YES I CAN BC BY IMPULSE I DOWNLOADED THE GAME /AGAIN/ GUESS WHY GO ON LMAO#but yeah#no anyways if you do like those songs i recommend masashi hamauzu ^7^ he makes such good songs#im not too much of a fan of naoshi mizuta i think... but i mean some of the songs in ff13-2 are super good#most of the ost is a little. funky though#but he did also make promptos theme? home sweet home? i think?#bro that song makes me baaaawl its very very beautiful but thats bc i do really likethe sound of cello myeheh#no one asked for the ff13/hsr ramble yet here i am :) ✨✨✨✨#i just thinkitd be funny if they looked into ff13 for inspiration for the ost 👀theyd get a + from me for that#i just wanted to share ff13 music. or. share. ff13 anything really. hi <3#hahahaha now if they did a wittle more and pulled more hamauzu style songs for penacony ? eheheheh <3 i think i might have found my favorit#favorite place <3 i already kinda see the potential for it being to my liking BUT WE SHALL SEE#okay im done rambling HI !!!#snow plays hsr#... should i tag my ff13 rambles?#i guess lmao#snow plays ff13#i feel like a different song sounds more like cosmic sacrifice for love but that was the first thing that came to mind probably bc#the only things that ever stick in my brain in ff13-2 is yaschas massif 10 af 😗😗
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Just how big was Teng Xiao if Cirrus calls Jing Yuan a "lightweight"???
#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later#I guess they don't mean it physically and more in countenance given the insults they direct to Jing Yuan#but that was my first thought lmao#I keep forgetting people here don't age so I always picture the masters old or at least like Gongshu aesthetically#so this line made me reconsider how Teng Xiao may have looked like#I always think of him‚ Fu Xuan's master and Huaiyan‚ for example‚ as old(ish) people#until the reminder of how they don't age hits me on the temple with a pan lol#The one time I saw Huaiyan art it took me a moment to place who that pretty man was because it wasn't anything like I pictured him#And then the idea that he could actually look like that even nowadays dawned on me like a punch. Same thing happened with Fu Xuan's master#Yet even after the punches I keep forgetting after two days and go on to think of them as rather old looking#only to be hit with the realisation again at some other time. Like right now xD#Super funny that he just pushes the fight on us. In line with his 'okay but why do I have to deal with this? This spark isn't even worth it#And then he pulls the 'if you lose you must answer one question without lies or tricks'. The same guy who can't be named in front of#the prisoner who collaborates with the interrogations of the Ten Lords Commission and that has a few free days yearly#This is so his way of doing things and god I love him so much for it#Odysseu.s-adjacent kind of character. A scoundrel truly in many regards‚ Fu Xuan was so right. I love him so. He should have been my fave 😔#Cirrus talked about chessboard‚ pieces and pawns. I love how Jing Yuan's opponents keep talking in chess metaphors#And how he manauvers conflict and his moves in a similar fashion yet how he draws a clear line between real conflict and a chess match#when asked if war is truly similar to a xiangqi game#Ahfksjkd I love him sooo much haha
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pet peeve of mine for any qrow "theories" for v9/10 is that people think he'll just go "welp, i guess they are all dead. that sure is a bummer! let's go tell tai that his kids are dead and i have no idea what happened" like he wouldn't dive directly into the tundra to find if there's any trace of the kids in there
#he is/was a SPY#he GATHERS I N F O R M A T I O N#he canonically picked up items of people that died TWO times. possibly three if he recovered pyrrha's diadem as well#we spent a whole chunch of a chapter in v5 with him going around asking about missing huntsmen who were mostly just colleagues#do you guys think he'd just give up and move onnnnnn?????????????????????????????????#he's going to turn every single slab of ice upside down in that damn tundra even for the smallest scrap of cloth#his ass is NOT leaving atlas until he has anything to go off of#also i'm sorry if i was tai and qrow got back to me to tell me my daughters died and then he tells me he didn't even bother to check#i'd slap him so hard his previous lifetimes would also feel it#plus this idea for qrow is also 'funny' because it implies he would only care about reporting his nieces' deaths and no one else's#he wouldn't tell ghira and kali about blake????#he wouldn't go search jaune's family/his sister to inform them???#winter knows what happened more than he does but he'd search her even just to get her testimony about it#like??????????????????????????????????????????????????#i get that people don't think about qrow for more than the five seconds they can bare to but come on#give him SOME credit at the very least!!!#jesus. okay i might be done
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Love learning things about myself! For example, today I learned that I pass out while getting blood drawn!
#personal post#was only out for a few moments#i think. i don't actually know due to Not Being Conscious#i just remember thinking 'ooo bit dizzy but i always am when i get needles this is fine.#hmm bit dizzier now just gonna rest my head on my hand here. damn i really hope i don't pass out.'#and then i came to with two extra nurses around me and the original nurse holding a cotton ball to my arm#it was actually quite funny cause they asked if i normally faint and when i said it was my first time getting blood drawn#all three said at once 'ooooh okay it's your first time'#so that was fun. but then when they did the second test and took 3 more vials i was just fine#so idk man it was probably more a stress response than anything#and i'm fine btw#just got a new family doctor who would like to do some blood tests#so here we are#fainting is a hell of a thing. would like to do it as little as possible.#though the part of my brain that writes things is DELIGHTED with the hands-on learning experience
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it's been said before and i'm sure said better than i can phrase it. but really, really - if you like making "i'm going to kill myself" jokes, please try switching to being ironically conceited instead.
anytime something goes wrong, say things like "ah well at least i'm beautiful and charming and everyone loves me." when you forget something, try "my big huge brain is so smart and thinking about too many other very big wizardly thoughts you wouldn't even understand." when you're frustrated by one of your symptoms, start talking like you're in My Immortal. "Life has come for me but my eyes are beautiful pools of gorgeous fire and my hair is amazing. I stuck my middle finger up at life and told it to fuck off and it did."
just... try it for a month or two. try saying the most absurdly self-congratulatory shit you can think of.
i know it's tempting to make suicide or self-harm jokes. and for me at least, a decade ago (!) when someone suggested i stop making those kinds of jokes, i was kind of at a loss for what to replace them with. i wanted to make light of these moments, but genuinely (at the time) my first thought really was suicidal ideation. there was a part of me that even felt like ... i was kind of "making light" of that voice. that if i could say i want to die lol, it would help take the sting out of that genuine (albeit passive) desire. like i could turn my illness into a joke.
when i started complimenting myself instead, it felt awkward and stupid. it felt really, really ironic. what i was actually saying was nobody would ever think this stuff about me, that's what makes it so fucking funny.
but. the effect was immediate. first thing i noticed was the people around me. when i dropped a glass and said ah my skin is too beautiful and sleek the glass has swooned and broken for me, other people were suddenly overjoyed to jump in with the joke. rather than making an awkward moment, we'd both start cracking up. ah princess sleek hands, i've heard of you.
i was 19. i hadn't noticed i'd been making others tense when i said i want it all to end. i know now that it's incredibly hard to know how to walk that moment - do you talk to them about your concern? do you potentially make them uncomfortable by asking if they're okay? do you ignore the situation? do you help them pick up the glass, or do they need to do it by themselves? are they genuinely made suicidal over this small moment? and most importantly, how do you - without professional training or supplies - actually help?
most people want to help you pick up the glass in your life, they just have no fucking idea how to do it. they don't want to make anything worse. they don't want to make assumptions about you. they love you, they're scared for you - and being scared makes people kind of freeze up. it's not because they don't love you. it's because they do.
now when something bad happens, my first thought is how can i make a stupid joke about this. it isn't my brain saying you're a dumb fucking bitch. i spend more time laughing. i spend more time being gentle with myself. i spend more time feeling good.
and the thing is - what's kind of funny - is that you'd be surprised by how many people agree with you. the first time i said i'm too pretty to understand that, someone else said to be fair you're the prettiest person in this room. i promise - you really don't know how kindly your friends see you. but they love you for a reason. they sort of reverse-velveteen-rabbit you. your weird and ugly spots fade away and you just become... the love they want to give you.
go love yourself ironically. the worst thing that happens is that you end up tricking your reflection into actually loving you.
#something something toxic relationships notwithstanding#(re: the friends stuff)#most people love you. automatically. for being alive. like people are just MADE that way.#and the reason kms jokes don't always land is bc people fucking love you and are like - ahhh how do i help#let them help you!!!!!!
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can people please stop filming the entire fucking world around them for public consumption? and especially random fucking strangers who you did not ask???
I work at a park and man the front desk. and I'm photographed and filmed a lot. I'm talking easily 20+ times per day. most of the times, it's parents filming me swearing in their kids as junior rangers. which. they're intending to film their kids. what they get is me and the back of their kids' heads.
there's this recurring problem that like. people forget we're real people? like yeah you're filming your kid, but you're filming me interacting with your kid. I could count the amount of times someone has asked me permission to do this in the past year on one hand. and sometimes that's after they already start filming.
Like, I'm not an actor. I did not agree to this. You could be a dick and make the argument that I'm a public figure, but I'm not. This is not a persona and my uniform is not a costume. I'm a person trying to do my job and help people and teach them about science and history. And you know what makes it harder to do that? The knowledge that anything I say or do could end up shared with thousands of people. The fact that if I fuck up the wording of this kid's junior ranger pledge, or I sneeze, or make some basic mistake, it's not just a funny or embarrassing moment for me and this one family. It could end up on tiktok.
And okay, those are the people intending to film their own kids and not thinking or caring about the collateral. What's worse is the people who film everything. A few times a week some guy walks into the visitor center, phone already horizontal in front of their face, narrating what they're doing and seeing. They come up to the desk and ask me questions, phone in my face. They take wide establishing shots of the visitor center and every visitor in it. None of us agreed to this! None of these people consented to be in your youtube video! We are not the fucking set dressing of whatever travel instagram story you're making!
I don't know where I'm going with this. This is really only the tip of the iceberg. Sometimes people ask us to repeat what we just did - swear in their kid, or explain a detail, or hand them a fucking map - so they can get a second take, and they're already filming so if we say no we look like the asshole. Sometimes we're asked innocuous things like to point out a landmark, and next week there's a photo of us in the 15,000 member Rangers Pointing at Things facebook group (yep, real thing). One time my entire 45 minute evening program was filmed without my permission and I was informed after the fact. This happens all the time, and I'm giving park ranger examples, but this happens to so many people in service work or public positions every single fucking day.
I guess just, next time you go to film in a public space, take a second. Think about who you're about to film, if they agreed to that, what might happen if a video of them went viral. there's a reason I'm not out as trans at work. And then, maybe. don't. or at least fucking ask.
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Part 1
Stupidly, Bakugo wanted to think that after fucking you in the beach, you'd be nicer towards him.
He thought wrong.
As he walked past you in the dining area later that evening for dinner, you didn't even glance at him once. You were engrossed in a conversation with the people you were sat with, and he angrily made his way over to where Kirishima was.
"Hey. Dude, you okay?" The redhead asked as Bakugo sat down, slamming his tray on the table, a scowl on his face as he picked at his food.
"Fucking great." He mumbled in response.
He was not fucking great. He was irritated, and as much as he didn't want to admit it, hurt. It wasn't that he was in love with you or anything, but Bakugo didn't just fuck anyone.
You were beautiful, and he liked that. You were funny, and you were bold and teasing, and you'd managed to get him to swim naked in below 8 degrees weather. And he couldn't help how he felt when you'd looked up at him in that water, how your eyes seemed to bore into his with an intensity rivalling his explosions.
He fucked you because he was overcome with the desire to have you, to get closer to you than anyone else could. And now? Now it felt like whilst that moment had been everything to him, it was nothing to you.
He was pissed to say the least, angrily shuffling to the back of the bus, ignoring Kirishima and Kaminari calling out for him. He sat next to the window in one of the last rows, turning to keep his attention on the view outside.
"This seat's free, right?"
He paused, turning to look at you as you sat next to him, putting your backpack under the seat before you.
"The fuck are you doing?" He grumbled harshly at you.
You faced him with a raised brow. "And I thought I was rude."
He scoffed. "It wasn't rude when you completely ignored me after last night?"
You huffed. "I wasn't trying to ignore you at least."
"Really? Because you acting like I didn't exist, isn't you ignoring me?" He soat out, keeping his voice low so the other in front of and behind him wouldn't hear him practically whining.
"Sassy much? What is this? Is this how you are?" You huffed, folding your arms over your chest, your voice soft as you spoke. "And sorry if I was a bit too awkward to talk to the guy who fucked me just minutes after meeting me. I don't know if you think I do that shit alot, but I can't be all buddy buddy with you an hour after you had your dick in me."
He paused as you spoke, his expression softening and his anger dissipating as he watched you fold into yourself, becoming much less feisty, much less bold, red tinging the tips of your ears.
He sighed, leaning back in his seat.
"So... you're good now, or what?" He asks after a few moments.
You shrug, turning to look at him. "We good now?" You repeat to him. "Gonna go back to not knowing each other?"
He scoffs, like you'd just said something stupid. "Fuck no. D'you know how long I've wanted you for?"
You smile to yourself as the bus starts moving. "I'm flattered."
Bakugo spends the rest of the ride playing with your fingers on his thigh, asking about your favourite food, and your hobbies, and why your resting bitch face is so mean, all the while, adamantly avoiding making eye contact with any of his friends.
#bakugo x reader#bakugou katsuki x reader#bakugou x reader#bakugou katsuki#mha bakugou#katsuki bakugou x reader#bakugou katuski x reader#bnha x reader#bakugo fluff#bakugo smut
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⟡ ── after an argument
hyung line x fem. reader | what they do to apologise after an argument
genre: fluff, est. relationship | wc. 0.9k ♡ a/n: this is my first writing ever so i'm not sure it's good but support is appreciated!! <3
lee heeseung
"y/n, i'm sorry."
even though it had been your boyfriend's apology you had so desperately wanted, you found yourself tilting your position ever so slightly away from him. you were still not ready to forgive him completely, not after the argument you two had yesterday. it was going to take much more than a simple sorry to win back your heart. the words he had said had been hurtful, and the day had been filled with tension that had only just eased a bit by heeseung's apology. — more under cut!
"y/n, please, i'm sorry for what i said yesterday. i know it was wrong of me. i don't know what i was thinking, saying stuff like that." heeseung tried again, resting his warm hand on your shoulder.
it was the tone of his voice that made you soften. you could tell he truly felt bad for what had happened. when heeseung noticed that you weren't shrugging his hand off, he immediately engulfed you in a hug, giving you soft pecks on your cheek.
"i'm so sorry, baby." he mumbled against the fabric of your hoodie, his chest pressed against your back and his faced buried behind in the crook of your neck. you leaned into his soft touch, smiling despite yourself and he murmured sweet nothings in your ear.
park jongseong
you were startled by the warmth of jay's presence as he stood close behind you, lifting your hair up gently before putting a necklace around your neck without a word.
"jay? what are you doing?" you asked, placing a hand on the necklace he had just clasped on, trying to get a look at it.
"it's a gift for you," jay said quietly, his touch lingering for a few seconds even after he was done with the necklace as if he was scared to let go. "i felt so bad for yelling at you last night. i'm so sorry love, i shouldn't have done that."
you had already forgiven jay for what he had said last night, though you hadn’t told him directly. it had mostly been your fault but you had still gotten mad at your boyfriend.
you saw a glimpse of a flash of gold from the reflection of the window, and you turned to face jay. "you didn't have to do that. it was my fault, bringing it up after such a long time when you were tired."
jay bent down to your height, giving you a warm smile before kissing you on the forehead, his hands around your waist.
"anything for my princess."
sim jaeyun
even though you had your back turned to your boyfriend jake, still annoyed about the petty little argument you two had had that morning, jake was clinging onto you more than ever. he had his arms around you, rambling random things and apologies over and over again. the topics varied, from funny anecdotes and random thoughts and he had said at least a million apologies.
“jake, i’m still mad. like really, really mad. and it doesn’t matter how many puppy eyes you give me because it’s not going to work.”
jake snuggled up even closer to you, and you tried to push him away, but he persisted. “i’m sorry, y/n, i’m very, very sorry.”
you smiled despite yourself, turning your head away so he wouldn’t be able to see the way the corners of your lips were curling up without permission. “i’m still angry.”
you could practically imagine jake’s pout and the kind of expression he was making.
“come on y/n, i’m sorry i ate your chocolate ice cream, i’ll buy you a new one today, i promise. i’ll buy you two.”
when he got no response from you, he hugged you a little bit tighter before tickling you, making you laugh.
"okay," you gasped between laughs, trying to get away from jake. "okay, but you better buy me that ice cream."
park sunghoon
when you arrived home, still upset about the argument you had had with your boyfriend sunghoon last night, you found a small white box waiting for you on your desk. it was carefully wrapped, laced ribbons and all. curious to see what it was, you put down your bag and unravelled the ribbon and gently opened the box lid to find rows of chocolate wrapped in pretty silver wrappers and a little note written in sunghoon’s handwriting.
an apology note.
perhaps this was sunghoon's way of saying to sorry to you, your shy yet caring boyfriend. it was rather sweet, and you felt your anger melt away.
you immediately dialled his number on your phone, and it barely rang before he picked up. perhaps he had been waiting for your call, and that made you smile.
“uhm, i got the chocolate you left for me,” you said, reading the note he had written. “thank you, and i’m sorry for getting mad at you yesterday, i know you have a lot going on right now.”
hearing sunghoon’s soft voice at the end of the line was comforting. “you shouldn’t apologise, i yelled at you for no reason. enjoy the chocolates, i’ll be back soon. um, i love you.”
you smiled as you bit into the chocolate. "love you too. give me lots of kisses when you come back. i miss you.”
#enhypen#enha#enhypen fanfic#enhypen au#enhypen smau#enhypen fluff#enhypen fic#enhypen soft hours#enhypen imagines#enhypen scenarios#enhypen x reader#enhypen x you#heeseung fanfic#heeseung fluff#heeseung x reader#jay fanfic#jay fluff#jay x reader#jake fanfic#jake fluff#jake x reader#sunghoon fanfic#sunghoon fluff#sunghoon x reader#hyung line#enhypen social media au#enha x reader#enha au#enha soft houra#enha fluff
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