#don’t listen to the haters they just don’t like change it looks better now

[so-sick-of-17]

I generally really think that taste is a personal thing and it shouldn’t have to please everyone. If someone likes something and it doesn’t impact my life, then why should I care? I love, tattoos, I follow a lot of tattoo pages on Instagram and posted a tattoo that is in the shape of a heart and looks like a really bad bruise. I guess it’s supposed to mean love hurts or some really stupid metaphor that borderline gives domestic violence, vibes. It is not my body and it does not matter that I dislike it. This tattoo and whoever likes it has no impact on my life. But I really think that people with such bad taste that they think that looks good , just shouldn’t exist. I might be a massive hypocrite but I don’t care. That might be the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I’d be fine with one person getting a shitty tattoo, but having many comments thinking that it looks dope, nope!

[undertheorangetree]

After Party

Summary- Art and Tashi don’t like to share their toys

Warnings- MDNI 18+ NSFW. Female reader. Threesome. Voyeurism. Cunnilingus. Fingering. P in V sex. Scissoring. Getting pinned down? Kinda degradation? Praise kink. Patrick haters one and all (sorry king).

Author’s Note- Everyone’s probably moved on but not me baby. There’s something about threesome fics that pull a demon out of me idk what it is. This is filthy/dirty/insane/etc plz enjoy and find the full fic on ao3 link below

This is something she doesn’t think she will ever get used to.

The galas. The fundraising dinners. Being so entirely immersed in the world of celebrity. It had been what she signed up for when she applied as the Donaldson’s personal assistant, but she hadn’t been anticipating quite this much of a culture shock. It’s gotten easier over the past few months, when her assistant position had changed into something more. When her feelings for both Art and Tashi had developed into something more romantic and they had reciprocated. Or rather, been the first to act. Now, galas for their foundation seemed much easier, when Tashi asks to steal her away for a few minutes to kiss in the bathroom or Art lets his hand dip a little too low on her waist when asking her a question.

Perhaps they should be more discrete, but discretion is often far from her mind whenever she is with them. Especially when she is with them.

Though she tries to keep her head about her now as she stands by Tashi’s side, only half listening while Tashi smiles and charms a handful of investors into doubling their donations. Tashi laughs at one of the men’s poor excuse for a joke, only enough to seem polite, before turning back to her.

“Would you get me another gin and tonic?” Tashi asks, voice likely sweeter than it should be.

She smiles, already collecting Tashi’s empty glass to bring back to the bar. “Of course. Excuse me.”

Tashi’s fingers graze her own for a moment as she relinquishes the glass, half a caress, before she is turning back to the investors. Faintly, she can hear her as she explains the benefits of the foundation- how their donations would help them to reach even more disadvantaged children and wouldn’t they like to be responsible for bettering a life?- but her voice grows faint the closer she gets to the bar.

It’s busier than she had expected it to be, easily over a hundred people dressed in their finery jammed together into this hotel ballroom, and at least a dozen of them are all crowded around the bar. She waits patiently, depositing Tashi’s glass as she leans forward, balancing some weight onto her elbows in the hope of relieving her poor feet. She can feel a blister forming on her pinky toe, where the strap of her new shoe rubs incessantly, and wiggles her toes in the vain hope of shifting it. She would never complain, not when Tashi had spent a small fortune on them for her, and especially not when she knows that should she tough it out now and voice her complaints back in the hotel room, Art will surely make it up to her.

The bartender finally manages to make her way to her, a friendly yet frazzled smile on her face as she asks for the order, She gives it quickly and though the bartender turns to prepare it, an unfamiliar voice manages to stop her.

“I’ll have what she’s having.”

She looks over her shoulder to find a man standing behind her, smiling in a way she is sure he believes to be charming. She ignores it in favour of sending the bartender an apologetic smile of her own, trying to convey that she is not the cause of this sudden increase in workload, but the bartender only nods before heading off, giving the man the opportunity to join her at the bar.

He doesn’t exactly look as though he belongs here. Though he is dressed well enough, he’s unshaven, his dark hair tousled in a way that just looks messy. He smells like cigarettes and too much cologne, as if he’s trying to hide the smell like a middle schooler. It’s almost as if he had seen the party from the street and decided to join in, though the way he holds himself assures her that he is in no way insecure about that. He radiates a confidence that she could only dream of, one that seems to border on arrogance as he watches her, as if she is a promise rather than a conquest.

Though she keeps her eyes forward, staring at the rows upon rows of alcohol bottles, all glittering in the dim lighting, he does not mimic her for long. Soon, his eyes find her again, watching her with a half smile until the bartender returns with their drinks. She thanks her before making to leave, but the man seizes the opportunity before she can.

“What’s a pretty girl like you doing drinking alone?”

She stops, turning back and teetering on her heels as she smiles politely. “I’m not, it’s for my boss.”

“You mean I didn’t even manage to learn your drink order?” He pretends to be wounded, placing a hand over his heart. “I was hoping you and I could get to know each other.”

“I wish we could but this is just a work event for me, I’m afraid.” Another smile, this one more genuine as she switches the glass from one hand to the other, the condensation freezing her fingers. “I don’t get to have any fun until it’s over.”

That seems to pique his interest, elbow resting on the bar as he leans toward her, eyes raking over her before lazily meeting her eye again. “Oh? What kind of fun?”

Read the rest here

[razorblade180]

Capturing the Spark

Weiss:*peeks into music room* Summer, sweetie? I can’t help notice you’re playing the same note for like…ten minutes.

Summer: *plucking string* I’ve reach creative bankruptcy.

Weiss:You’re sixteen. There’s something in there.

Summer:Nothing good.

She points at a decently sized pile of paper on the floor. Weiss takes a look at one and realizes it’s a whole song.

Weiss:Are these originals!? Why are they on the floor!?

Summer:I don’t like how they came out. Weeks and months of revising but they feel mediocre.

Weiss:Says you. A single opinion from a creator is damning in any art form. I could’ve listened.

Summer:You would’ve been too nice and supportive.

Weiss:Summer, I told your father he looked fat in the first tux he chose for our wedding. I will never willingly let you embarrass yourself in front of people.

Summer:…There’s been talk on the radio about my recent songs and concerts. People are saying I’m losing my spark, and they aren’t wrong if I’m being honest. Things feel…different.

Weiss:Could it be because you’re getting healthy?

Summer:Pfft, now you’re making me sound ridiculous. Yes, that’s exactly it. Being on stage feels weird now that I’m not fighting for my life. Is that wrong?

Weiss:Little bit, but I get it. Your life was on the line. Adrenaline was at an all time high.

Summer:Exactly! My body was cold and hot. I had to focus on staying myself while thousands cheered my name and had zero clue I was basically on a battlefield! Now I’m just performing.

Weiss:Haha, and that’s a bad thing? It’s gonna be an adjustment but you still have that spark. You don’t need your life on the line to bring it out. You also need to treat these songs better.

Summer:Mom, they’re garbage. My fans don’t come for me for darker stuff anyways.

Weiss:They are fruits of labor. Sure not all of them will be perfect, but not every song you make will be a hit and don’t have to be. Treat these like your puppy. Don’t throw them away because they’re a little all over the place.

Summer:Where is he right now?

Weiss:Bothering Jaune. Anyways, fuck your haters.

Summer:Wow!

Weiss:I mean it! You are the singer! You can’t make people like your music but you change the audience that fills your seats. They’re called fans because they help make you burn bright.

Summer:….

Weiss:The way I see it, you can change up your style and genre to better capture and represent the raw feelings that give you the spark, or bask in the irony of a crowd that loves you, but can’t fathom the real weight of your performance.

Summer:You’ve done that too!?

Weiss:I’ve written so many songs that come from my feelings being around my abusive father and most people don’t have a clue. We may be the entertainment at a concert, but we both know how easy it is to see the crowd as the real fools.

Summer:Yet when I talk like this, therapy gets mentioned.

Weiss:Hey, I’ve been to it many times. I know exactly who I am, and you will too. One day at a time. You’re not creatively bankrupt. You’re just not cashing in all the ideas you have.

And with that nugget of wisdom, Weiss kisses her daughter on the forehead before leaving her to think on it.

Summer:(Damn it. She’s gonna feel so proud about that line.) *grabs paper*……

xxxxxx

Weiss:*walking down stairs* I’m back. How’s the puppy?

Jaune:*holding him up* Air jail. Did you solve the one note wonder?

Weiss:Yeah, but it’s gonna get louder in sec-

🎶VVVVVRRRREEEERRRRR🎶

Both of them looked up as the sound of a distorted and almost wailing guitar started singing wildly. Jaune looked at his wife to see her casually head banging with a smug face. They weren’t even sure if the notes lead to something or if their daughter was simply going for it.

Weiss:It’s been awhile since I heard a eulogy like this.

Jaune:A eulogy?

Weiss:Can’t you hear it? It’s for the death of a pop star as we know her.

[audhd-author]

Electricity

Y/N Smith could've gone her whole life without seeing her brother again. However, her plans to do this change upon receiving an invitation to the Smith family Christmas BBQ. Upon meeting a certain Rick Sanchez, Y/N's intentions for staying become a lot less pure.

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3280 words

NSFW (18+)

Rough sex, face fucking, blow job, heavy degradation, age gap, choking, light bondage, alcohol and drug use, orgasm denial, clit stimulation, nipple play, creampie.

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An exasperated groan escapes your lips as you look out the window of your car. You were in no means excited to be amidst the chatter of a Christmas barbeque but as your niece and nephew were eager to see you, you were in no position to not show up. The sides of your car vibrate with bass as Tech N9ne’s ‘Loud’ continues to blast full volume through the speakers. You had no doubt that everyone across the street could hear your music but frankly, you didn’t care. Sighing, you grab your trusty Fireball/Smirnoff mix from the cupholder and turn off your car, deciding to just rip the bandaid off. Walking across the street, you can hear your car’s defence activate as you take a sip of your alcohol. 

“Y/N! I’m glad you could make it! Jerry was so excited when he found out you were coming.” Beth exclaims, a glass of champagne in her hand as she walks over to greet you. Your hand slips into the front pocket of your jeans as you raise your drink to your lips, gulping down a bigger amount then you’d like to admit before turning your attention to Beth. “I hope you didn’t tell him I was here for him. The only reason I’m even showing up is because of Morty and Summer. Jerry should know he lost his right to call me his sister many years ago now.” You reply nonchalantly before walking away, scanning your eyes over the crowd for your niece and nephew. Spotting them in the open garage with Jerry and what you presumed to be Beth’s dad, you call out to them. “Summer, Morty!” 

The group of fours head’s snap towards you as you walk over. “Aunty!” Summer exclaims, pulling you into an aggressive hug as Morty hugs the other side of you. “Y/N!” Jerry's excitement to see you is evident in his voice. “Aunty? You didn’t tell me you had a sister Jerry.” The fourth person in the garage chimes up, his eyes full of an unrecognisable glint as they take in every inch of your body. A brief, unamused chuckle leaves your lips as you fold your arms over your chest. “He hasn’t had one for nearly a decade now. I’m only here for these two.” You say as Jerry’s expression falls. A smirk pulls at the older man’s lips as he extends a hand out to you. “Rick Sanchez.” 

Taking his hand, a tingling wave of electricity floods through your body and you hesitate, looking up at Rick. It was clear he had felt it too, his eyes unable to leave yours as his eyebrows furrow with both intrigue and confusion. “I-uh, Y/N Smith.” You stammer, quickly retracting your hand from his. While Jerry doesn’t appear to notice, too hurt from your words as he walks back out onto the lawn, it was clear Summer and Morty had. “Aunty, come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone.” Summer says, hurriedly reaching for your arm as she pulls you through the door leading from the garage into the house as you struggle to recentre your thoughts. 

Closing the door after you, Morty turns to Rick. “What in the fuck was that Rick?” Rick’s eyes narrow as he turns around to his bench, leaning over it with his hands gripping the edge. “I-I-I don’t know Morty. We just sh-shook hands, I didn’t do anything to her, I swear.” 

“Yeah you better not have! Aunty Y/N’s nice, I like her! If you ever fucking hurt her Rick-.” Morty yells, his hand shaking as he points it threateningly at his grandfather. Groaning, Rick turns around to face him, unbothered by the finger now jabbing in his chest. “Listen Morty, I wouldn’t hurt her. First of all, sh-sh-she’s a Jerry hater and we need more people like that in this world. Second, I need to figure out what the fuck happened back there an-an-and I need her to not not like me for me to find answers.” Rick turns around to grab his drink off his workbench, taking a skull before letting out a burp. “Now move.” He says, walking past Morty, who is struggling to come up with a response, into the house. 

You’d be lying if you said you hadn’t noticed Rick watching you throughout the afternoon, standing in the back of the room with one hand in his lab coat and the other always holding a new can of alcohol. However, it’d also be a lie if you said you didn’t like his attention. After the incident in the garage mere hours before, you have been unable to rid your thoughts of him, some pure, many… not so much. “Aunty?” Summer’s voice brings you back to reality. Snapping your eyes down to your cards, your expression remains unreadable as you push all your chips into the middle of the table. “All in.” Rick’s eyes flicker with interest as he hears your words. You’d finally given in to the many offers of poker from your niece, nephew and other guests and Rick was curious to see how well you knew the game, so far you were exceeding his expectations. 

Turning your head to Morty, you wait for his response. “Fold.” He sighs, discarding his cards on the table. All other players opted to fold apart from Summer. Flipping her cards over, she shows four 9s and a 6. “Four of a kind. Y/N?” Beth says as everyone’s eyes turn to you. Taking a sip from your drink, you grin as you turn over your cards, showing everyone an Ace, King, Queen, Jack, and 10 of spades. “Royal flush.” You say, drinking the remainder of your bottle before standing up and walking through to the kitchen. Putting the bottle down on the counter, you pull two flasks from your jacket, each containing fireball and vodka respectively. 

Taking the cap off both flasks, you empty them into your bottle. “Impressive game.” Rick’s voice sounds from behind you and you jump, spinning around to try to hide the excessively strong alcohol mix behind you. “I- thank you. Sorry, I didn't expect you to be behind me.” A smirk pulls at his lips as he leans against the counter opposite you. “Clearly.” His eyebrow raises as he looks around your shoulder. “What are you mixing up over there?” An amused smile appears on your face as you pass him your bottle. “Guess.” He takes it from you, staring at the light brown liquid inside before shrugging and taking a sip. His eyes widen as he swallows, staring at the bottle in shock. “J-jesus fuck. Fireball and vodka?” He coughs, looking up at you as you nod.

“You take drugs too or is the alcohol enough?” He asks, his eyes catching yours as you take your drink back. Unable to break your gaze away from his, you can feel your heart racing as you nod in response. “Yeah, I take drugs.” You could slap yourself. Never before had you become so putty in a man’s gaze but Rick had a certain hold over you that you couldn’t explain. A single chuckle of approval falls from his lips before he grabs for your wrist, leading you through the dining room and entryway to the only door on the right. Opening the door, he lets you walk through before shutting it behind you. Taking a seat on Rick’s bed, you take care not to touch the blueprints and machine designs covering the walls of his room as he rummages through a box near the door. “Molly?” He asks, pulling out a bag of the white powder. “Fuck yes.” You say, a grin pulling at your face as an approved hum leaves Rick’s lips. Pulling the case off of your phone, you grab a straw and an old card from your wallet as he empties half of the bag on the back of your phone. 

Quickly halving the powder on your phone, you make two neat lines. Offering out the straw, Rick takes it as he blocks his right nostril and inhales a line as you hold the phone up for him. “Oh yeah. That always makes my day.” He says, holding your phone up for you as you expertly inhale the remaining line. “Fuck yes.” You reply, enjoying the familiar sting of the powder in your nose. Taking your phone back from him, you dart your tongue out, collecting the rest of the drug on the tip. Rick’s eyes darken with desire as he watches you. Swallowing, you realise your actions and your eyes widen. “Sorry.” 

“I wasn’t complaining.” He says nonchalantly. You can feel your cheeks flushing at his words, averting your gaze to the blueprints on his walls. Taking a sip from his can, Rick takes a seat next to you. “Computer, play playlist 80085.” You can’t help but chuckle upon hearing the playlist name. “Boobs?” He looks over at you, shocked you even know what it spells as A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie’s ‘My Shit’ plays. “What? Boobs are great.” He shrugs and you can’t help but laugh as you begin to fish in your pocket. “Definitely.” Your fingers brush over the small bag in your pocket and an amused smirk pulls across Rick’s face as he sees the contents. “Y-y-you know Y/N, the resemblance between you and Jerry becomes less the longer I’m near you… I-i- like it.” 

“Good, I hate that he’s my brother. Now, you got a bong?” You quickly divert topics as you open the previously chopped bag of weed. Reaching under his bed, Rick pulls out a glass skull-shaped bong and passes it to you as you pull your lighter out from your jeans pocket. You sink the cone almost as fast as you managed to pack it, exhaling as you pass the weed and bong over to him. Falling back on the bed, your head nods along to the beat of the music as you feel the drugs beginning to take effect. “C-congratulations. You’ve officially been in my room longer than any of the family ever has.” Rick says, a cloud of smoke exiting his mouth as he does. You laugh, turning your head to face him as you sit up to take the bong from him. “Words that I’m sure many women have heard before.” You laugh as he looks at you. 

“Nope.” Is all he responds with as you laugh. “Didn’t realise you swung the other way, many men then.” He rolls his eyes as you pack your cone. “Again, nope. I-i-it’s the first time I’ve said it. I don’t bring people to my room.” You almost choke on your cone upon hearing this, the smoke catching in your throat before you have to pause, quickly exerting it from your lungs. “So why me?” You ask before finishing your cone. Rick hesitates before telling himself ‘fuck it’ and responding. “You’re different. I don’t… entirely hate you.” He pauses and you look up at him, both of your breaths catching in your throats. His eyes dart from yours to your lips as you feel your heart rate increase. Leaning over, you press your lips against his as he closes the gap, his hand coming up to cup your face. The tingling wave from the garage returns the moment your lips meet, flooding your veins with ecstasy as he takes the bong from your hand, placing it on the ground. Pushing you backwards, you fall back onto the bed as he shifts his weight above you. 

Sucking your lower lip between his teeth, he gently bites down, extracting a soft moan from you. Rick lets off a small groan as he hears you, his bulge twitching against your thigh. Reaching up, you hurriedly pull his lab coat off his shoulders, along with his shirt as he grasps the hem of your top, pulling it over your head to reveal your perfectly-fitted bra. “Jesus fuck. Computer, engage soundproof mode.” He murmurs before attaching his lips to the crook of your neck as his hand entangles in your hair, pulling your head to the side. Your breathing intensifies as he lightly trails his hand over the sensitive skin on your stomach up to your breasts, taking your nipple in between his thumb and forefinger. You can feel your core drip with desire as he sucks the skin on your neck into his mouth, your back arching as he squeezes your nipples, his hips grinding down against your thigh. You can feel the size of him through the fabric and you can feel your arousal pool in your underwear. 

Dipping his hand under your back, he expertly unclips your bra before lowering his mouth to your breasts. His free hand dips down under the waistband of your panties, running his finger through your folds, a desperate moan falling off your lips. “Fuck, you’re so wet for me.” He groans, sucking your arousal off of his fingers before standing up, his hands undoing his belt. He didn’t even have to tell you to get on your knees, you were already there. “Fuck you’re such a good slut for me, aren’t you?” He chuckles as you nod, dropping his pants and boxers to the floor. Just the mere sight of his size had your core tightening with lust. Sucking the tip into your mouth, your tongue runs up and down over his slit as he curses, tightening his grip in your hair. “Good whore, you know your place is on your knees in front of me, don’t you?” You hum in agreement as you draw more of his length into your mouth, causing his tip to hit the back of your throat, his hips bucking in pleasure as you stifle a gag, your eyes filling with tears. His grip in your hair tightens as you pull back before taking more of him in. 

“Holy shit, you dirty little whore, you wanna take all of me in your filthy mouth, don’t you?” He groans as you nod, sucking your cheeks around his cock as he pushes the rest of his length down your throat. You instantly gag but his hold on your head keeps you still as he pulls out slightly before pushing himself back in again. “Fuck, such a pretty sight you are with my cock in your mouth.” He groans, speeding up the pace, fucking your face as precum dribbles down your throat. Panting heavily, he withdraws himself from your throat as you gasp for air. “Stand up.” He says, his voice deep with desire. You obey, quickly getting to your feet as he pushes you back onto the bed again. His hands undo your jeans, unburdening you of the rest of your clothes. 

Digging his fingers into your hips, he drags you to the edge of his bed, your legs falling on either side of him. Your core tightens as he runs the tip of his cock from your throbbing clit to your folds before slowly pushing himself inside of you. Rick’s name falls off your lips in a desperate moan as he fills you up. “Shit, your fucking milking my cock. You’re so fucking tight for me.” He groans as he presses himself further inside of you, stretching your walls around him. “Holy shit.” You gasp once his full length is inside of you, your hands grasping for the bedsheets. Grabbing your legs, he pulls them over his shoulder and you could swear you see stars from the extra depth. Clenching yourself around him, a pleasured groan falls off both of your lips as Rick digs his nails into your hips. Curses escape the both of you as he slowly begins thrusting into you. The sound of your arousal is sinful, mixing with pleasured moans and your skin slapping against his. Neither of you could hear the music over the noise both of you are creating. You can’t contain your pleasure as Rick increases his pace, your eyes rolling back in your head as he fills every inch of you. 

Letting go of your legs, Rick quickly pulls himself out from inside you. “Move back up on the bed.” He orders and you quickly obey, needing him to fill you up again. Repositioning himself in between your legs, he quickly slides back inside you, a pleasured moan escaping you. “Fuck, your pussy is squeezing my cock, are you that desperate for me whore?” He groans and you frantically nod. “Fuck yes, you feel so fucking good.” You’re aware of how needy you’re being but the feeling of him inside you is heavenly, the way he stretches you out makes your core tighten in pleasure. “What a good girl.” He grins as he roughly slams into you, extracting a string of moans from your lips. 

A knock on the door startles you, your head turning towards the sound as Beth’s voice comes from the other side of the wall. “Rick? Have you seen Y/N? She disappeared a while ago and we haven’t seen her.” Rick, however, doesn’t falter. His hand covers your mouth as he continues to buck his hips into you. “Be a good whore and stay quiet. Computer, deactivate soundproof mode.” He growls before responding to Beth. “Nope, I haven't seen her.” His pace only increases as he speaks, your eyes rolling back as he continues to bottom you out. “Alright, well let me know if you do. The kids are asking for her.” She calls back. Trailing his free hand down your body, Rick begins lazily rubbing circles over your clit with his thumb, a muffled moan escaping you as your body shakes with pleasure. His eyes dart to yours as he smirks, focusing more attention on your clit as he continues to pound into you. “Yep, will do.” He responds to Beth before turning the soundproof system back on. “What did I fucking say?” He growls, moving his hand from your mouth to your throat, squeezing the veins on the side of your neck. “Be quiet.” You say in response, your legs shaking in pleasure. 

“And what did you do?” He roughly thrusts into you as he asks this, forcing you into the brink of orgasm. “Fuck, I-I didn’t listen.” You moan as your body continues to shake, your toes curling in overwhelming pleasure. “Don’t you dare fucking cum. You got it, whore? You disobey me and you get punished. Fucking hold it.” He growls, slamming harder into you as your vision blurs. “Rick, please. I need to cum. I can’t hold it, please I need to.” Begging to cum is not something you’re used to but you know you can’t hold it, your body uncontrollably twitching as you try to obey him. “No. Hold it.” He reiterates, slamming himself further inside you, emphasising each word. His thrusts increase his pace, each one getting sloppier as he gets closer to his own orgasm. Rick’s hips stall as he reaches his high, his hands moving to support himself above you as a guttural moan escapes him. “Cum for me.” He gasps, thrusting into you as his hand moves back down your clit. Those three words were all you were waiting for. Rick’s name falls off your lips amongst a string of moans as a wave of ecstasy crashes over you, your body arching in pleasure as your breathing intensifies. 

Withdrawing his softening member from inside of you, Rick leans forward to grasp your wrists, pulling you up to the headboard. Two metal cuffs surround your wrist, securing you in place as you look up at him, startled. He smirks at the sight. “Oh Y/N, we’re not done.”

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A/N: This was honestly so fun to write. I've been on a bit of a Rick and Morty obsession lately. Part 2?

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[centrally-unplanned]

Saw this really cool post of a 1982 "SF" (Science fiction but in Japan that included things like anime, manga, tokusatsu, etc at the time) magazine that did a survey of active fan groups/circles at the time - ~woo, precious data! Lets see what we got:

Love to see a good gender breakdown - as is often the case in these things, while it is of course majority men the number of women participating is very strong. You do notice the age imbalance there - many women in their teens and college-aged, but it drops off quickly. I suspect that this is primarily because this survey is right in the middle of the first wave of the "pop SF boom", where more approachable works like Gundam and new manga subgenres were rapidly growing the community. So the older cadre was more heavily men, while the new group is more balanced. However, this is the early 1980's - it might just be that when a woman graduates college she was expected to marry and "settle down" still, inhibiting participation in these kinds of groups. I think it is primarily the former, Japan had pretty rapidly changed in the 1970's and female creative types were commonplace by then, but I won't pretend the latter players no role.

The writing on this page just contextualizes the piece, not much to report, though it does note that "3 people replied 'other' for gender...as a joke!" Sure, jan!

Anyway, on to page 2, what is our poll question of the day...

ロリコンについてどう思いますか? What do you think about lolicon?

....*siiiiiighs* guys I didn't, I didn't look at the second page before typing this up! I just wanted to report the gender data! This just happens to me, I swear -_-

But I can't back out now I guess:

It actually splits the question by gender - men are asked "are you a lolicon" while women are asked "what do you think of guys who are lolicon" - sexists, way to erase the female lolicon. Not actually joking there, it is a quite a thing due to its overlap with rape and dubcon fetishes - but I won't pretend I have expertise on the prevalence of that in 1982 Japan's SF community, even if it you see it today. Anyway, most men are not lolicons (the tallest line), though others fall on a spectrum from interested to "graduated", certainly a choice of words one could make.

Funnily a good dozen say they are called that by others, but not themselves - I believe that is related to the vague line between loli & shoujo aesthetics at the time. Which is important to emphasize, as I always do on this topic - sometimes the word lolicon just means "youthful" or "cute", sometimes it means like high schoolers, and sometimes it means real-deal underage stuff, and you won't know without context.

Meanwhile two women label lolicon men as "cute!", good for those two living their truth, while others are broadly tolerant but have Opinions. Which is fun, because the rest of the page is people sharing said opinions, sorted into "good" or "bad"! Some choice ones:

★ It's a symptom of modern civilization’s sick parts, but also an inevitable phenomenon. It’s better than having a rabbit or cat complex. Don’t lay hands on young girls. Lolicon must remain platonic. (♂/19/)

You see this theme a bit, "symptom of modernity", the new sexual fetishes are a product of a changing world. Certainly up for debate, but also very "in vogue" for the 80's & 90's to worry about that sort of declinist narrative. Then again, guy is a catgirl and bunnygirl hater, not sure we should listen to their shit taste.

On the flip side you get the "natural way of things" types, of which this is my favourite:

★ There’s nothing abnormal about having a dream involving an uncontrollable urge towards pre-teens. Even Romeo and Juliet would have made Romeo a lolicon given Juliet’s age (14), but people don’t think of it that way. Only at that age can girls love and respect men without ulterior motives. (♂/19/)

That last line, you are telling me so much about you with that one!! You can see how this is discourse, right? Like if one side says you are a "symptom of modernity" you ofc respond with "this is how all guys are" and with callbacks to traditional culture.

The "bad" side has a lot of ruthless condemnation, with more than one call for the lolicons to simply die or labelling them worthless scum. The magazine's writers do try to keep the tone breezy but I do think this topic being actually contentious in the community pokes through here. Though this serious one really did undercut herself a bit at the end:

★ I can understand why one person of the same gender might feel admiration or affection for a child or young girl, but for a man to only be able to love much younger women? That’s a mental illness! If they aren’t willing to fix themselves, they might as well die. They’re enemies of women. It's not going to turn out like Nabokov's Lolita. (♀/20s/)

I mean they did also kill jesus Humbert Humbert in Lolita. that was a pretty significant thing that happened. like i understand where you’re coming from here but they very much did kill the Lolita guy.

There is an editorial at the end, and it echoes something one of the comments also states; that the lolicon boom was seen as coming from "hard" SF fans, the people who did the really nerdy stuff. There is a word they use actually which is neat: 根暗/Nekura, meaning someone with a "gloomy root". It began seeing use as a slang for hyper-serious, boorish people in the late 1970's and became a fad to use in precisely 1982 - here is a live record of that! They associate "hard SF" fans with these sort of gloomy types who can't take a joke or appreciate hanging out with the buds at a bar, that kind of thing. From there, and here I am reading between the lines, these fans like a sort of "idealistically sterile" world, and lolicon as a preference (in comparison to Real Adult Women) flows naturally.

I mention this because astute readers might be going "oh, like otaku?" and that word was only just buzzing around at this time - it is typically dated to 1983. The editorial writers note that these nekura-types are nowadays proud of that fact, wearing it like an identity:

A: I’m not really sure why, I don’t fully understand the inner workings of the SF world, but it’s like, out there, hardcore SF fans are considered gloomy. Maybe that’s why there’s this connection to lolicon? B: But surprisingly, everyone’s actually pretty cheerful. In today’s world, the 'dark and gloomy tribe' is trendy. It’s like they’re enjoying calling themselves gloomy, almost as a fashion statement.

So yeah, I can totally see proto-otaku discourse going on at the edges here.

There is a third page but it continues in a similar vein. A bunch of mentions of Hideo Azuma, who I am growing increasingly convinced was more of a lodestone for the lolicon boom than is currently appreciated - he is the ur-reference everyone makes. More discussion of girls in sailor uniforms as a gateway drug, yeah yeah, "is fine as long as its fiction", of course of course, one of the magazine editors remarking he wants "a wife for practical uses but a daughter as a pet" yeah okay we can call it we're done here, no more survey data anyway.

Not the topic I expected to find, but still this is really valuable "primary source data" - you can't trust the literary class fully on these things, having first hand quotes from community members on otaku culture in the era is always valuable.

Sorry if you got tricked into reading this - in my defense I did too!

[neoflect]

sharing some of my disorganized jojo musical thoughts now that ive had a week to sit on it and ive rewatched it several times over. i intended to wait to publish something like this until a subtitled version was available, but im not seeing any indication that thats happening any time soon so for now youll have to deal with my loose interpretations from my extremely rudimentary and rusty japanese… so take what i have to say about the finer points of characterization with a grain of salt. gratuitous spoilers below obviously, both for the original source material and the changes made in the stage production

my feelings are OVERWHELMINGLY positive. of course there are things i can criticize or that i would have personally done differently but oh man… i have literally not thought about anything besides this fucking show for a week. im 100% confident in saying this is a better adaptation of the source material than the tv anime. sorry to the davidpro staff, i respect their hard work and their love for jojo and their dedication to what is by any metric a pretty difficult property to adapt off of the page, but i dont know if i can ever forgive them for leaving half of the first episode’s storyboard on the cutting room floor in order to fit a standard half-hour tv slot, especially considering that what they cut is some of the really crucial character-building stuff. happily those scenes are not only reproduced in the stage version, some of them are expanded upon!

with the quick disclaimer that i’ve only managed to get my hands on the final 4/14 performance with shotaro arisawa and yoshihisa higashiyama, from what i’ve seen the casting is perfect. i’m sure there’s a rip of the 4/13 performance somewhere (i’ve seen clips) but i haven’t been able to find one… every single performer knocks it out of the fucking park, the cast chemistry is incredible and even the minor characters are loaded with charisma. and mamoru miyano… my god… mamoru miyano i owe you an apology. i was not familiar with your game. of course hes been killing it for decades at this point but i had soured on him a little bit recently because i felt like he was overcast in everything and i just didnt connect with his dnt reinhard at all, so when the casting was initially announced back in august i was underwhelmed, and of course my standards for the dio role in particular were astronomically high… i’ll go more into detail later in the post because i have so so many things to say about dio’s characterization here but mamoru miyano’s performance is like, life-changing. i had impossible expectations and he exceeded them.

sorry if im gushing. i am a hater by nature. its unusual for me to be so thoroughly pleased with something. im not even a musical theater guy. these are strange new feelings for me.

just to balance things out i’ll talk about a couple of the things that didn’t really work for me: first of all, the music is just ok. my initial draft of this post called the music “bad” but three additional viewings later i have warmed up to some of the songs. i don’t know if this is a shortcoming by dove attia as the composer or if it’s just me, as i said i’m not a musical guy and a lot of the genre conventions of musical theatre are not really the things i look for in music that i enjoy, but like… even at their worst they are serviceable. nothing here is sonically unpleasant to me. high points are “resolve of the ripple” (zeppeli’s hamon training song, a jazzy swing number - it’s simply catchy and fun to listen to) and the closer “phantom blood” (a sweeping ballad that reprises the earlier “light and darkness”/”golden spirit” leitmotifs into an epic duet between jonathan and dio as they join hands and walk off into the darkness together… made me cry! i wont lie! on every single one of my numerous viewings this one got me misty eyed!)

wait i forgot this is supposed to be the part where i’m being critical. ok my most loathed song in the musical is “dio’s world”. sorry dio nation. it doesn’t really work for me. i think this might be a case of my standards/expectations being too impossibly high because it’s not even really the worst song in the whole thing. and of course miyano eats it up so it’s not really his fault. i just find it kind of underwhelming… i find the melody a little grating, it’s kind of just a generic rock number, it’s just missing a particular je ne sais quoi…. the essence of dio isn’t there… lyrically though i am obsessed with the premise of dio recruiting his minions by selling himself as a kind of social revolutionary who is upending and inverting the brutal hierarchy of post-industrial victorian society with zombie blood magic. you win some you lose some.

the second sticking point for me is the costumes. they’re perfectly serviceable… adequate… but i mean when it comes to jojo “serviceable” and “adequate” costume design obviously falls well below what’s expected, right? a lot of the outfits have kind of a boxy, almost flat-looking kind of unflattering fit on the actors, which if i wanted to be generous i could attribute to the challenge of bridging the gap between these frail slender musical theater twinks and the two-meter-tall 250lb roided-out beefcakes theyre meant to be embodying. (bearing this discrepancy in mind a lot of the insane martial arts stuff in the second act doesn’t really land with the oomph that it should, but i also understand logistically why this kind of casting is not practical, and all things considered i think shotaro arisawa does a really incredible job of embodying jonathan joestar even though he kind of looks like i could snap him in half over my knee like a twig. he’s very cute. so i’m not mad about it.) of course, again, logistically, i understand that in a stage musical production, where actors only have minutes to complete costume changes, some sacrifices have to be made to the creative vision in the name of practicality. nevertheless this is jojos bizarre adventure!! i want to see some fucking baubles!!!!!!

which is all to say that… after carefully considering it for some weeks… i still have extremely mixed feelings about dio’s grink ass feather bathrobe look. it’s not that i dont think its something he could wear (the concept of dio lounging around in his gothic vampire palace doing re-animator style body horror experiments on the local wildlife in this “officer i have no idea what happened to my husband”-ass nightgown is nothing short of hysterical to me) but then he wears it into combat and i felt a little disappointed… it has the same unflattering fit issue as the other outfits in the show, and it is just such an un-araki-like design… where are the gaudy color combinations? the bizarre geometric patterns? the tease of an exposed boob/thigh/midriff? erina gets a stage-original dress design that i have fewer issues with because the excessive pleats and ruffles have more of an araki-esque sensibility, but every time i look at dio’s robe it feels like there’s something missing.  i’m going to choose to be nice about it because it’s not at all a deal breaker and, again, mamoru miyano devours the look. it’s fine. it’s always fun to have a new dio outfit. if anything, the fact that the blu-rays are being marketed as “2024 cast version” gives me hope for the possibility of a future production with a new vision for the costume design. (although the fact that this was such a difficult production - with stunts and pyrotechnics and moving setpieces - that its entire first week was cancelled indicates to me that the prospects for a future production from a different company are impossibly slim. i guess there’s always hope?)

in terms of the writing and the changes that were made from the original narrative, honestly i don’t really have an issue with anything that was cut. sorry if there are any diehard stans of Poco’s Unnamed Sister out there who are steamed that their favorite minor late phantom blood character got the axe, i kind of understand how you feel because i’ve been malding over david pro cutting the Danny Lore for eleven years, but i think it was the right choice and the story flows so much better. the real juicy meat at the core of phantom blood as a narrative and the thing that brings it head and shoulders above so much of the rest of jjba is the character-driven drama - that deliciously pulpy victorian gothic family tragedy - and the relationship between jonathan and dio. the musical beefs up the character drama and slims down the action-driven second half by trimming out the extraneous battles. the only real downside i see to this is that the absence of tompetty and his prophecy makes zeppeli’s arc and death feel INSANELY abrupt, but tbf that’s not a deal breaker for me. sorry zeppeli. you were born to die.

okay. okay. i think 1500 words into the post is enough fucking around so let’s talk about the real reason why you and i both know we’re here

musical dio is SO fucking sad. he’s positively wretched, you guys. he was born in a wet cardboard box all alone and forced to eat cement when he was six. he cries even more than he does in the source material and even when he’s not crying he frequently delivers his lines as though he is moments away from bursting into tears. back when the musical first opened i was snooping on the reactions on jpn twitter and one commenter said they could see miyano’s tears and snot from the nosebleeds even without opera glasses, a remark i initially assumed was hyperbole but that i now think probably was not. araki’s dio is certainly tortured and a deeply pathetic crybaby beneath all the cruelty and posturing, but changes in the musical and miyano’s embodiment of the character bring this pathos to the fore. he is literally haunted: dario’s ghost lingers, a manifestation of all of dio’s traumas and insecurities that emerges from the recesses of his memory to taunt him with the reminder that he will always be his father’s son, all the way up until the very minute that jonathan breaks down the door to his vampire lair. i am OBSESSED with this - not only for the obvious reason that i delight in dio’s suffering personally but also because kong kuwata is a delight and he fucking kills it every time. also lends itself to a category 10 leitmotif moment at the top of the second act when dio emerges from the charred ruins of the joestar estate singing dario’s theme and calling out to jonathan - if i had to pinpoint this is probably the moment when this musical stuck for me as the Real Deal. they Get It.

the first solo number in the show is dio’s disney princess I Want song (amazingly, simply titled “dio”) where he weeps for his late mother and his wretched lot in life, and then - in a creative decision that made me clap my hands and hoot and holler at my screen in real life - there is a reprise of this number (delivered, naturally, through tears) when dio is almost arrested for murder and decides to become a vampire instead. so there’s this amazing hopeful uplifting inspirational orchestral music accompanying the onstage action of dio ruthlessly slaying jonathan’s dad and then getting pumped full of lead by a bunch of cops. it is brilliant. 10/10 no notes. it’s moments like this that i think really sell the “softening” of dio in the stage version for me, even though i am historically Not A Fan of fanworks that take a similar angle - like, yes, he is sad, but specifically he is narcissistically obsessed with the spectacle of his own suffering, he is boiling over with bitterness and rage for everyone around him who (by his own estimation) could never hope to have suffered as much as he has. this sensitivity and self-pity he wallows in are not expressions of a guilty conscience or a desire to change - they’re entirely the opposite - every cruel and monstrous deed dio commits is always justified to himself because he is simply the saddest little boy who has ever existed. he has been done wrong by the world and so there is no limit to the depravity he may reasonably respond with. i’ve seen several commenters describe this as a drastically different interpretation of the character from araki’s dio (and someone told me on twitter that mamoru miyano himself has also said this, but i cba to go digging for an actual source so take it with a grain of salt?), but i… dont think thats the case! dio’s obsession with his own weakness and his self-perception as the eternal underdog (as compared to jonathan) are certainly more exaggerated in miyano’s performance, but i don’t think this is an angle to the character that’s been manufactured out of whole cloth. the genre conventions of the stage musical force the melodrama up to eleven and dio’s incredibly repressed angst is the most rich vein to mine for that. hair-trigger sadist dio is still here, it’s the same guy, he’s still killing people mercilessly, you’re just getting to see him sing a big ballad about his feelings instead of confining those to an internal monologue.

if anything, the exaggeration of dio’s pathetic/cowardly/crybaby traits combined with his megalomaniacal aspirations and bottomless well of cruelty is just right. it’s perfect. fucking around, finding out, and then trying to weasel his way out of the consequences with crocodile tears just so you don’t see him drawing his knife to cut you clean open… yeah. thats the stuff. thats my one true blorbo. sad to say i will love him for ten thousand years.

i think that might be all i have to say… or at least all i feel like saying here… most likely ill come back and edit this post later. i certainly have some additional thoughts and some more esoteric/controversial takes but they’re not suited for a public blog. real ones will understand. im keeping my eyes peeled for somebody to translate this thing but to be frank i am kind of enjoying this little corner of fandom as it is right now: just the asians and the true hardcore phantom blood phreaks. i have not had this much fun in jojo fandom in almost a fucking decade. as soon as somebody publishes an english version my timelines going to get flooded with all the most deeply annoying “kono dio da” “speedwagon waifu” reddit guys and 15 year olds and my suffering will proceed. unfortunately this is my lot in life and i am doomed to be here forever because dio put a worm in my brain

[ringdabel]

My thoughts on OP ships except I’m being 100% honest (P.3)

SLIGHT SPOILERS FOR THE HEROINES ONE PIECE NOVEL

*LawBepo

- I don’t know about you but to me I’m neutral about it, if you ship this, good for you! If you don’t then okay!

- I do think it’s a cute ship though with their interactions, relationship between the two, etc..

- And it actually MAKE SENSE

- Like hear me out, Law would actually marry a polar bear because of how much of a freak he is and considering he’s a pirate, he wouldn’t care if other people think it’s weird, at least he has his fluffy boyfriend.

- I draw these two a lot in my sketchbooks, like every single one just HAD to have Law and Bepo together or else those sketchbooks are not mine

- he has a soft spot for Bepo, definitely Bepo. He hates everyone and everyone but his crew, Corazon and BEPO.

-In the SBS, Oda did tell us about how Law met Bepo (with Penguin and Shachi), at that time Law was a kid along with the three others so that means Law and Bepo knew each other since they were children and are super close.

- FUNFACT : You know how Law hates Umeboshi right? Well Bepo likes eating it with onigiri pretty much! I like to imagine that if someone ever gift Law some onigiri with umeboshi inside, he will give them to Bepo.

*Smoshigi

- Small girl with her gigantic DILF (idk what that means but I think it’s fitting).

- it’s the size difference isn’t it?

- I like their chemistry a lot! It’s pretty cute in my opinion.

- for some people, a 10 year age gap is too much (Shigi is 23, Smoky is 36, so that means it’s 13 year age gap then) but they’re both adults so I guess it’s legal? I mean Rayleigh and his wife has a 10 year age gap and they’re old now-

- this might be controversial but… Smoshigi is better than Zoshigi or Lawshigi in my PERSONAL OPINION.

Zoro is confirmed to have no interest in women by Oda and for Law i don’t think he’d date her or even taken interest in her in general.

(I telling all this like a hater I’m so sorry I don’t mean to sound like one DDDX!! If you ship Zoshigi or Lawshigi it’s totally fine and valid! It’s just my opinion!)

*Sanami

- MY FAV SHIP!!!!! I love them so much they’re so cute!!! <3333333333

- Theres this one part of the OP stage actors and actresses like an event or something?? And I saw a video of these two where basically Sanji is being a simp as always, drops on one knee and like hold out his hand to Nami

Nami holds his hand then blows him a kiss!!!!! IT MADE HIM STARTED BREAKDANCING ITS HONESTLY SO CUTE AGSHSVHSHSHSHWHHSHW

- They’re the DEFINITION of GIRLBOSS MALEWIFE FRFR!!! No 🧢!!!!!!

- wait did I already put this ship in part 1 or part 2? Man idc anymore I just genuinely LOVE this ship!! If it becomes canon I will become happy! (Even though it’s highly unlikely it’s fine!)

- I just love their moments together you know? When I was young I always wanted the two of them to kiss a lot, I have never change at all 😈

- Like look at the sad French man! How can you not kiss him!?!?!?! He makes you desserts you really like, compliments and swoons at you everyday, cooks for you, loves you for who you are, patient and will listen to you whenever you have a bad day, shows affection to you, a gentleman, IN A SUIT, ALSO WEARS AN APRON AS WELL, Respects you, etc… etc… he’s the only French I like <333/j

- They’re also both good with kids and have a soft spot for them! Oda stated that if Nami is ever kind to someone it’s women and Children, for Sanji he always has a motherly nature surrounding him, his interactions with the DK crew proves this!!!

- AGH I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!!! IM DYING!!!

*KozaVivi

- a HUGGGGEEE fan of childhood friends to lovers trope <3333333333

- I love these two a lot, I ship them a lot TOO! I want them to have more interactions!

- in the Heroines novel, I just love Vivi’s episode with Koza and the love letter (NO CONTEXT HEHEHE 😈) it’s so so so SOOO sweet it’s giving me diabetes

Like it’s so funny, full of sweetness and wholesomeness! I love them!

- I wish these two would be canon… if not it’s fine as well… because I have another ship up my sleeve… *takes out hand*

[shayshaybiscuit25]

I no longer support white celebs or people//

How do people not realize this is basically birthing hatred in your own heart. It makes one no better than the people they claim to hate. All white people aren’t the problem, majority, to the point racism is still ramped, yes, but to blindly go around claiming to not like or support every single white person based on the actions of others makes you seem childish asf anon. I get mad at racist, not all white people.

I suggest you go to you local library and take a deep dive in history, if it weren’t for certain white advocates even in small numbers, a lot of risked their lives along with our black leaders, a lot of things would not have occurred nor improved.

Go learn about the White Panther party.

I get so tired of people looking at things on the internet and basing conclusions without realizing you obviously know very little about our history let alone the world to make a baseless statement like that,even reading this you’re probably thinking I’m “standing up for the white man” 🙄

Some of you need to learn what’s happened. I know things are bad now, but sweetheart they’ve been worse they’ve also at one point were amazing. Many of you weren’t born to know there were three beautiful decades where black folks THRIVED!! We everywhere, music, tv, etc. We were and forever will be IT! ✨ unfortunately racist and some black people who chose money over the betterment of our people (Hi BET 🖕🏾), shut that down and now we have the entertainment industry as you all know it now. This is why many of us that you all think are “haters” say music, tv and movies aren’t the same. We had multiple talented black women across genres, not just one or two. We had every skin tone represented. Many of you truly don’t understand how y’all fall for some of the most mediocre stuff nowadays yet call it “talent”.

The standard has dropped significantly to the point everyone and their mama are getting famous now.

I may sound like a prude, but the over sexualization of black women ain’t it. They are trying to have our young girls and immature grown women thinking certain types of behavior and attire is appropriate when it’s not. No one is saying cover up head to toe, but many do not understand there’s a time and place for things. Most of our celebs are focused on money and not the influence they are putting out there. It’s all going to blow up eventually. We went from artist standing up and using their talents and platforms to better our community, go listen to L-Boogie “That Thing”, and listen to the lyrics. Nina Simone, BillieHoliday, etc to now where people can say a basic quote that sounds nice and people automatically label them an advocate. Don’t even get me started on various white artists using black artist to boost their careers or eras. (Miley Cyrus now claims to be embarrassed by her Bangerz era, yet claimed back then that was her authentic self, stop letting people use us)

I understand the times change, but said change isn’t always good. We’re still being used in ways many can’t comprehend.

Idol worship is seen as “normal”. People really be out here worshipping other humans who mock God, yet claim to be “Christian”, I don’t care if someone claims to “love” God with their mouth, actions speak louder than words. Too many baby Christians out here getting easily influenced because they lack knowledge of HIS word. I’m serious, people better stop playing with God and making excuses for their actions. God don’t play that. He shows us love, grace and mercy, yes, but putting demonic affiliation in music videos, calling God the n-word, Calling God out his name in general, mocking him, etc.

Showing every single inch of their bodies and trying to claim it’s for expression or women rights, nah you can love you and be sexy without doing all that. There’s a reason the black women of the 70s, 80s and 90s were top tier, sometimes less is indeed more.

Just because someone is rich and famous doesn’t mean they are “blessed” by God. People don’t think Satan will be crafty enough to have you believing you’re doing great, not realizing lukewarm Christianity is not good. God will spit them out of his mouth.

Don’t allow these entertainers have any of you out here drifting away from God all because you love your fav. These music artist today display the darkness right in front of us all, but get praised. Go watch the videos of early 2010s to now and tell me they haven’t gotten darker and more revealing in various ways.

Y’all stay blessed and just keep your eyes and hearts open. Developing the gift of discernment is a true blessing. People think because we’re saved we can do anything, but God knows all. We speak in love and truth. His word is Truth.

Oh wowwwwww

Anon to Anon.

[woogly-boogly]

20, 36 + 58

20: What is your favourite song at the moment?

Shit man, normally I’d have an answer for that but right now I’m kinda just listening to my playlists without much focus on anything in particular. I’ve been listening to Fatboy Slim lately so I guess a good answer would be Rockefeller Skank

Actually a better answer is this live band cover of the Balatro soundtrack, it’s fucking awesome love it mwah

36: 3 dreams you want to fulfill

1 - I want to write and publish a book. I don’t care if it takes off or flops, I just want to hold it in my hands, and I want my dad to read it. Well he doesn’t really read books, but I’ll settle for him getting a few chapters in and then leaving it in his bedside drawer and forgetting about it haha

2 - I wanna write and/or direct a movie. Something funny, like the stuff we used to make pre-covid, but with a slightly higher budget than pocket change.

3 - And now for the least realistic dream, I wanna own a house. Like, fully paid off and everything. Somewhere with a reasonable travel distance to see my friends and loved ones

58 - Description of your best friend

Well jeez, when your best friend asks you a question like this the only option is to jerk them off a little haha

Look I don’t wanna gush too hard but Rads you’re one of my favourite people in da world. I’m always excited for our twice/thrice weekly 5+ hour phone calls even though most of the time it’s just us making stupid noises to fill the silence. You’re the best for bouncing story ideas around with and I love how invested you are in your own story worlds because whenever I ask an obscure question you always have a really long answer and it shows how much passion you have for it.

You push people to be better and are not at all afraid to give people (me) a kick in the butt or tough love when we need it. You’re incredibly creative and really funny but also a massive hater and our friends don’t give you nearly as much shit for it as they give me, even though you’re definitely a bigger hater than me fr fr

I’m always happier after talking to you and I never know when to say it but you really are one of the most important people in my life.

Anyway them’s the answers, here’s the questions if you wanna ask any

see ya chumps!

[kennysaysthings]

10 songs I’ve been listening to lately :) —> tagged by @number-one-hog-hater (thank you sm I appreciate it!)

Apologies because my music taste is truly all over the place

1. Im pretty much always on the hunt for new music so I haven’t been listening to this that long but this song comes from my favorite album at the moment! This artist actually only has 88 monthly listeners on Spotify but I found it on Bandcamp.

2. This song really surprised me when I found myself listening to it all the time! It’s very good really upbeat if you like that sort of thing, it reminds me of quite a few characters. I love Side Hustle- another band that deserves more attentions 120 monthly listeners but again I do find most of my music elsewhere.

3. I actually don’t like many songs from this artist but I love this song! It’s so upbeat and it reminds me of summer in a way only a few other songs can.

4. Is another song that truly reminds me of warm weather and shaved ice and travel in general is Daylight! My mom is actually the one who influenced me liking Matt and Kim.

5. Another Matt and Kim song I just can’t not add, it has everything Daylight has and it’s really interesting that this song reminds me of both characters and people I know.

6. Everything about this song has me tripping over my words trying to explain how much I loved it when I first found it and how differently I find myself loving it now. At first I found it had an odd sound to it but I still liked it and then the first change in the song happens and you sort of just sit there like “will it do it again?” And then it does but better than the first time. This artist has 3 monthly listeners please check them out such a unique sound.

7. Another summer song I highly recommend! Cup Cup is actually so good their other songs are amazing but this has got to be my favorite!

8. This song is something I found on a whim and instantly fell in love with the sound, everything about it made me want to write again and love my interests because I just kept thinking “someone made this and it is so beautiful” and I can make something beautiful. In other words this song makes me feel really upset in a good way, you’ll get it when you listen to it (if you do 🙏)

9. Wow this song. The sound the lyrics the tempo the rhythm, truly everything has entrapped me in this song. It’s faster than the last song but it’s sort of in the same genre but it is amazing. (Another artist that deserves more love with only 767 monthly listeners!)

10. I could do so many more but why not end this list with a bang, I found this song I want to say two years ago, unfortunately it’s been lost on me a bit but it’s a song that is full of love and it’s upbeat and it’s something I remember really loving at the time and I still do love it sitting here going through old playlists and listening to them made me think about how I’m a very different person than I was, this song sort of foreshadowed songs I listen to today :)

Again sorry when I talk about songs I really talk about them and how they make me feel even if I can’t quite describe it.

Tagging: @evil-wtch @manywinged @milo-is-queer @thyqueerblueberry @the-names-kam @thedudewithfivenames @denfucker (sorry if you’ve already been tagged!)

[away-ward]

The incorrect quote generator isn't always very accurate for the boys over flowers characters, so I don't have many, but here are the ones I've collected over time. I have no idea where the quotes come from. Feel free to copy your favorites.

Edit: forgot to mention the rules. To make it fun, I can't change any of the names even if I think it would be perfect for a different character. It has to be randomly perfect and these are the results.

--

Tsukushi: Adulting is hard.

Tsukushi: How do I quit?

Akira: Time travel.

Sojiro: Die.

--

Tsukushi: Crushes are the worst. Whenever I’m near mine, I start acting stupid.

Tsukasa: You always act stupid.

Tsukasa:

Tsukasa: Wait...

--

Akira: Where are your parents?

Sojiro: What are parents?

Akira: That’s just about the saddest thing I ever heard get said.

--

Tsukasa: Do you ever feel like exploding? Have you experienced the urge to enter the process of combustion? Has your mind created a logical idea, known as thought, to disperse your body into thousands of particles suddenly?

Sojiro: It’s 3 am, please go back to sleep.

--

Sakurako: Now, if I may speak for good-looking people everywhere...

Tsukushi: Only as their rodeo clown.

--

Akira: Talk dirty to me~

Tsukushi: Inflation is a serious problem and lumber prices are at a high.

Akira: Wha-

Tsukushi: The economy is in shambles.

--

Tsukasa: We'll talk about this later.

Tsukushi: Fine, I won’t be listening.

--

Shigeru: If you get in trouble, I'm gonna be like... a lawyer to you. Ok?

Tsukasa: Okay.

*later*

Ren: Tsukasa! Sit down on the chair, you're in trouble.

Shigeru, whispering: Deny everything.

Tsukasa, loudly: That isn't a chair.

--

Tsukasa: You wanna fight?! You got one!

Shigeru: Okay! *raises fists*

*Akira runs in, scoops Shigeru up in his arms, and runs away carrying her*

Tsukasa:

Tsukasa: What?

--

Shigeru: I am so cool. I am an absolute Chad. I am the epitome of coolness and awesomeness—

Tsukushi: Hi.

Shigeru: *melts down in a flustered heap of softness*

--

Ren, texting Akira: I’m a theif.

Akira: Thief.

Ren: Theif.

Akira: I before E except after C.

Ren: Thceif.

Akira: NO.

--

Ren: Why isn’t the statue smirking at me?

Sakurako : It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it.

Yuki: Three of us saw it, Sakurako . How do you explain that?

Sakurako : *points at Tsukasa* Sleep deprivation. *points at Yuki* Paranoia. *points at Sojiro* Delusional personality disorder.

--

Shigeru: Go ahead, Tsukasa. Let it out, cry. If you don't, your tear ducts will get blocked up, and then when you get old, you won't be able to cry.

Sakurako : Just when we thought it was safe to let you back into the conversation.

--

Sakurako, to Tsukasa: You wanna fight? All right, let’s take this outside. The stars are so bright tonight and the moon looks so nice. Here, hold my hand—

--

Shigeru: Bro-

Akira: No, no, hold up, rewind.

Akira: My tongue was down in your throat just a second ago and now you're calling me bro??

--

Ren, grinning: Before you were what?

Sojiro: Before I was-

Ren: What?

Sojiro: Before I was inter-

Ren: Before you were interrupted?

Sojiro: Cut me off one more time and I swear I'll-

Ren: What?

Sojiro: *makes frustrated sound*

Tsukushi, nervously: Stop that. Before he hurts you.

--

Akira: Life could be worse, Tsukushi.

Tsukushi: Life could be a lot better too!

--

Shigeru: I’m sorry, I really flew off the handle back there. It was like the handle was a bald guy going really fast, and I was his toupée.

--

Sakurako: You know me, Tsukushi, I don’t take any shit. You know what I say to my haters?

Tsukushi: What?

Sakurako: I say: “Please don’t hate me, I’m really nice.”

--

Akira: Okay, help me, please!

Sakurako: Got two words for you.

Akira: I bet they won't be helpful.

Sakurako: Your problem.

Akira: I was right.

--

Sakurako: My only talent is being stress.

Tsukushi: Don't you mean stressed?

Sakurako: No.

--

Tsukushi: We have a problem.

Sojiro: No, YOU have a problem. I have an idiot who keeps making them.

--

Shigeru: I mean, sure, I have my bad days, but then I remember what a cute smile I have.

--

Shigeru: What do you guys do when you're stressed?

Tsukushi: Try and calm myself down!

Ren: Sleep.

Tsukasa: Get myself into even more stress, so that the first reason for my stress gets cancelled out.

Sakurako: I don't.

--

*playing twister*

Sakurako: Right hand red.

Sojiro: *ends up on top of Tsukasa*

Tsukasa: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?

Sakurako: I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice.

--

Akira: Are you trying to seduce me?

Sojiro: Why, are you seducible?

--

Tsukasa: Honestly, I am so evil. So full of darkness. I feed of the souls of the living I strike fear into-

Ren: You sleep with a teddybear.

Tsukasa: He’s my sECOND IN COMMAND IN MY ARMY OF DARKNESS!

--

Tsukasa: Social distancing says you shouldn't be within an elbow's distance of each other.

*later, in a barfight*

Tsukasa: Social distancing doesn't say nothing about feet! *kicks opponent in the face*

--

Shigeru: All in all, a 100% successful trip.

Sojiro: But we lost Akira.

Shigeru: All in all, a 100% successful trip!

--

Sojiro, to Sakurako: You drink too much, swear too much, and your morals are highly questionable.

Sakurako: …

Sojiro: You are everything I’ve ever wanted in a best friend.

--

Shigeru: Look, I know we don’t always see eye to eye but—

Tsukasa: Thats because your too short to do so.

Shigeru: ...Listen here you fucking—

--

Ren: Do you even, cuddle, bro? Do you even lift, bro… each other up with kindness? Do you tell your loved ones that you care about them regardless of who is listening? DO YOU EVER RESOLVE CONFLICTS, EMOTIONAL ISSUES THROUGH COMPROMISE AND COMPASSION RATHER THAN ANGER AND DENIAL?!

--

Sakurako: This date is boring!

Sojiro: This isn't a date. I said I was going to the store.

Sakurako: Then why did you invite me?

Sojiro: I didnt, I specifically said "don't come with me," then you said, "fuck you Sojiro I'll do whatever I want!

[bishop-percival]

[[Hi I wrote another thing.]]

The time was 8:45 pm. Since returning to the Glornch from retrieving the corpse of Dawn the janitor with Shep, The Most Reverend Bishop Percival had spent the entire day locked away in his ritual chamber preparing the body for an offering to Glorn.

The priestess Miriam stood outside the entrance of this chamber, a covered bowl of soup in her hands. She firmly knocked on the chamber’s large steel door.

“Your excellency… It is Miriam. Have you eaten today?” 

She didn’t get a response. She tried again, this time pounding her fist against the door so hard it rattled.

“If you don’t open this door I’ll melt it down into a funnel and use it to force this soup down your throat.”

After a moment, the bishop finally creaked the door open, a scowl on his face. “I don’t want your rancid soup, Eyelash! I’m freaking busy!” 

Miriam forced the door open further and pushed her way past Percival into the chamber despite the bishop’s objections. She quickly spotted the lifeless severed eyeball that was once the head of Dawn. it rested atop a stone pedestal in the center of the chamber. Miriam quickly turned to Percival to shove the bowl of soup into his hands before approaching the pedestal to get a better look.

“Such beauty… Surely this will make a glorious gift to Glorn.” Miriam took hold of the eyeball and brought it up to her own forehead. She closed her eye and murmured a prayer. “And may Mother’s Eye accept back Her vision lest She lose sight of this child…”

“Ew! Hey! Put that down!” Percival looked around for a surface to set the soup bowl down on, deciding on a nearby potion shelf. He then marched toward Miriam and snatched the eyeball from her hands and set it back in place on the pedestal. 

“You’re gonna ruin the potency of my offering to Glorn with your soppy prayers to lesser gods!” he protested.

The priestess leered at the Bishop and growled “I’ve told you time and time again. Mother’s Eye is no lesser god. She is merely dormant.”

Percival rolled his eye and folded his arms. “Right, right…” He took a step back. “Well, you’ve barged your way in here and delivered your soup. Can you go now?”

Miriam looked back at the bowl on the shelf. “You aren’t going to eat it, are you?”

“No.” Percival flatly replied. 

Miriam stood still for a moment, then returned her attention to the severed eyeball on the pedestal. 

“...Percival… I would like to hear it from you. You wish to transform yourself into a demon, yes?”

Percy warily narrowed his eye. “Two-Eyes ratted me out to you, did he?”

Miriam shook her head. “Not entirely. I was listening in on your guys’ squabble when he had returned from Lapilli. Besides…” She brought one of her hands up to her face and looked at Percy through the gaps of her fingers. “You should know by now I’m attuned to changes in magical energy. I can feel you slowly growing with power. Demonic power. So of course it was only a matter of time before I figured you out.” She lowered her hand and pointed it behind her at the soup. “You’re so far along you’re starting to shed mortal necessities like eating, aren’t you…”

Bishop Percival let out a long sigh. “Maybe. OR maybe it’s just that I can’t stand your nasty cooking any more! Haha!”

Miriam didn’t laugh.

“... Either way,” the Bishop folded his arms, “What exactly do you plan to do with this information?”

“Nothing…” Miriam stated as she bowed deeply with reverence “...Except to lend you my full support as your faithful servant. Your goal of demonic ascension is an admirable one. Whatever you need of me, I will provide. I owe it to you, after all.”

Percival widened his eye with surprise. He was expecting her usual ‘as long as it doesn't bug me I don’t care’ attitude. Receiving Miriam’s active support was rare. 

He smiled. “Y’know Eyelash, this is what separates you from that sniveling brother of yours. Your faith is in me while he clings pathetically to the church and the Hater Empire, too blind to see beyond it.” Percival thrusted his arms up into the air. “And for that, you best believe I will reward you handsomely once I transmute into a magnificent, all-powerful beast of pure evil! Hehehahahaha!” 

Miram slowly straightened back up. “Do you have plans yet for your ascension? Any specific ritual or method you have in mind?”

Percival lowered his arms and leaned against the pedestal. He idly tapped his fingers on Dawn’s severed head. “I think the best way to go about this is a classic Oswin Invocation ritual. I have a good standing with ol’ Ossy.” He smiled widely. “It’s the one who originally granted me magical capabilities. If I demonstrate to it the immense power I’ve gained since then, I believe it’ll be impressed enough to grant me access to the demonic realm!” 

Miriam nodded. “Very well.” She then bowed once again. “I will gladly be the vessel in which you invoke Oswin into.”

The bishop rubbed the back of his head and chuckled awkwardly. “Oh, uh… well actually, I’m already planning for Shep to be the vessel!”

Miriam shot back up, wide-eyed. “HUH? Shep?” She stammered a bit. “Why Shep!? Their puny pathetic body probably won’t even be strong enough to host such a high-leveled deity like Oswin!”

“Oh calm down,”  Percival patted the eyeball. “I’m testing his capabilities right now. If I’m not satisfied then, sure, I’ll ask you to do it. In the meantime, my plan is for Lamb and I will hear no more if ands or buts from ya!”

The priestess shot Percy a deadpan glare before finally stating “As you wish. You know what you’re doing, I suppose.” 

She turned to make her leave, picking up the bowl of soup on her way out. “Keep me updated” she said as she slipped out the door and firmly closed it behind her.

When she turned around from closing the door, she came face-to-face with her brother Mike, who was quietly lurking in the corridor during that discussion. Miriam wasn’t surprised. She knew he was there. 

Mike spoke quietly and with urgency. “Mir, I’m begging you. Please don’t-” He was interrupted by his sister shoving the bowl of soup into his hands now. 

“Eat this. I don’t want it to go to waste” she commanded before quickly pacing away. Mike was going to shout after her but didn’t want to be heard by Bishop Percival. By the time he tried to walk after her, she was too far away to effectively catch up. 

Reverend Mike sighed and looked down at the soup. He finally departed on his own way back to his room to eat.

[metaldragoon]

Today marks 10 years since I made my Tumblr account, probably.  It’s, at the very least, 10 years since my current oldest post on my main account.  I was 21 years old and living with 4 other people in a house for $500 a month, had been working at the same place I still work for about 15 months part time, and I was a pretty big Mega64 fan at the time I guess.  If you are not familiar with Mega64, the relevant piece of information to why I say “I guess” is because I was listening to all their podcasts at the time, which they’ve been doing since like 2004 or something.  They had their own forum which is how I was able to listen to all the archived podcasts, and I remember some girl on the site that I thought was hot had a link to their Tumblr page so I checked it out.  I am not really sure I even ever followed her or just creeped before making an account.  Mega64 are also prone to discussing anime, and I remember a young Derrick Acosta riding a teacup at Disneyland on one of their podcasts praising how good the soundtrack to an anime known as “DEATH NOTE” was, so I went to watch that (he was right) and sort of became addicted to anime in general from that.  Not really addicted, I feel like I still got a lot of hater fuel in me keeping me safe from addiction, but I am definitely stuck in the viscous goo, never truly able to escape anime’s grasp from that day onward.  Toaru Kagaku no Railgun which is the anime in the thumbnail above these paragraphs you’ve been reading was probably my first foray in to just watching whatever had a cute girl in it and truly becoming a degenerate.  I wouldn’t say I look back with shame but I’ve definitely reeled myself back and just watch the snobbiest, most-elite anime now.  It was also the first anime I GIF’d, January 15th of 2013 according to the archives.  Sort of surprising how quickly I got on it because I really hate doing anything for other people to perceive because if there’s one thing to know about me it’s that I can’t handle the slightest amount of criticism without spiralling down the darkest hole of depression imaginable.  Have these past 10 years been good? I don’t really know.  The last year has been really hard, since September 2021 I have been considering the current times “the worst year of my life,” but at the same time I guess it’s rolled on and I’ve made progress.  The only major relationship of my life ended this year and that was always kind of my rock for feeling like I meant anything to anyone.  I constantly find myself thinking “distance myself from everyone so that when I kill myself it won’t hurt anyone” since last January.  Overall being with someone I loved for 6 years made me a much better person, but just emotionally it’s quite a valley afterwards.  I didn’t have my dog for as long as a lot of people, but he was with me for 7 years and I had to put him down because of liver cancer in September which I already wrote about, but, I mean, that was really hard and I still get emotional about it a surprising amount.  Work’s good but sucks at the same time and just feels like a suppressant to everything in life.  Just stand there and exist, go home in 8 hours, one day closer to the end of my life sentence of being a cog in the machine.  Lots of old man injuries along the way but I’m pretty hard on my self physically so I can’t complain too much about a few torn tendons and ligaments over a decade.  Can still run and hoop, and I guess that’s good enough.  Hard to remember who you were ten years ago, but I guess the biggest thing that’s changed is not being afraid of aging.  31′s getting up there! but with newfound perspective it’s really not.  Barring unfortunate circumstances 80′s probably a safe minimum age and that’s more than twice as long as anything I can even perceive.  I think I’ve always had old man energy anyways so I look forward to being a crotchety miserable old grandpa complaining about everything as part of a “bit” that only I know is a bit. 

[fictionalreads]

Love Is Blind Season 4 Episode 3

Paul and Micah

Paul this was a bad choice. And after seeing the comments on here, I feel better about my dislike of Micah. Cause I thought I was trippin for a second.

It’s so awkward that they just stand there and watch each other until the doors close. Not them specifically but in general.

Marshall and Jackie

They’re cute. I wanna see more of them.

Well you aren’t married yet Jackie. Just engaged.

LMAO “If he ugly…we just gone have to work through that” I mean I’m not a fan of his hairline but he ain’t ugly to me.

They seem sweet.

Kwame and Chelsea

I like Chelsea. Kwame I’m on the fence about. Mainly because he didn’t choose Chelsea initially and is now all about her just cause Micah left. But I also recognize that’s part of the process and when they have two people they’re into one of them leaving might force them to focus on the other.

He’s out of tune. Please stop singing.

This is a weird intro to a proposal.

Okay it makes more sense now.

Yeah physically y’all are mismatched but we’ll see when y’all see each other for the first time.

She’s very pink.

I have a feeling of the cameras weren’t there they would’ve gone at it. She was very enthusiastic.

LMAO Can he say anything other than oh my gosh?

Zack and Irina

Nooooo! Bliss is right there! Leave Irina. She’s a following bitch!

No you won’t. You’ll leave him in the pod like he asked you to because it’s clearly something that means a lot to him.

Good. Don’t feel special. He’s not only dating you and you know that.

EMOTIONAL MANIPULATOR

I feel like a hater. I hate feeling this way but her and Micah just get under my skin.

Uh you’re a bitch and she’s not.

EXACTLY SO CHOOSE BLISS

No. It’s a true thing to say. If you associate with people whose values don’t align with the person you’re dating, it can change the way they see you. Who you choose to surround yourself with says a lot about a person. Sorry. 🤷‍♀️

What’s with the songs this season? Thought we got that out of our systems with Sal last season. (Or was it the season before? I think it was season 2)

Damn. I lowkey like her dress. The simplicity of it is nice.

Zack and Bliss

Seems like you’re looking for reasons to break up.

I mean, HOW COULD YOU NOT CHOOSE BLISS? Listen to what she’s saying to you versus the emotional manipulation Irina put you through.

GOOD FOR YOU BLISS

He really just chose Irina.

Miscellaneous

They definitely know the proposals are coming cause why else are they dressed to the nines for the proposals. I would hate that. I want the shit to be organic.

Awe look at Marshall being a good bro, covering him up and giving him space to just feel.

[tundesweb]

Tunde Imann Writing Challenge Day 2

Prompt: What is your relationship to time? How much is time worth to you?

Well, for one, my relationship to time just changed, and therefore, that’s why this is today’s prompt. MUAHAHAHA anyways. Time is the only true luxury we have. It’s through time that we experience life. The vehicle of choice would be these bodies we have, and now it’s making way more sense as to why the majority of the things we SHOULD be doing to stay healthy extend our time on earth.

Well, for starters, I have decided to wake up every day GRATEFUL to be here. My relationship to life has just changed, and suddenly, nothing really seems as urgent as everyone else likes to proclaim. I won’t say all of a sudden I no longer enjoy luxurious items, but I do not place any ITEM over my TIME. I recently went grocery shopping with my mom. I cooked and we ate and had girl talk in the kitchen. Chanel could never give me that feeling.

My life may not always be picture-perfect, but the way I SPEND my time, I thoroughly enjoy. I just want to reiterate, I don’t do struggle love, I don’t do bad gift givers or any sort of low balling, so please don’t read this and think, “Oh, I don’t have to get her Chanel.” I’m saying life is deeper than how things SEEM. And social media has us chasing (really y’all, not me, I’ve always had expensive taste anyhow) an IMAGE, and I’m here to say image isn’t a legacy. Image alone isn’t an impact. My greatest desire for the use of my time is to always leave an IMPACT, and a positive and long-lasting one.

Contrary to popular belief, I don’t think impact has a look. I hope I’m not about to die as in leave this body, and I’m actually just on the brink of another transformation, but if I were on my last days, I love the impact that I’ve left so far while SPENDING my time on earth.

I’ve somehow been able to enjoy how I spend my time and leave an impact everywhere I go, and that is something I’ve never acknowledged until today. To me, that makes me a great person. Today I choose to accept my greatness. I hope today you reflect on your impact and the legacy you leave behind.

Until recently, I’ve never been that “selfish” with my time. Once you see time as a form of currency, you realize the value of your presence and the value of your attention. You will budget yourself differently. I no longer take any offense to how anyone else chooses to spend their time on earth. I won’t waste my precious time dollars worrying about it either.

I believe an appreciation of time makes you a better artist. Really, the appreciation of the matter-of-factness that is death. One day we will all die. Which is why we as humans chase immortality. Always looking for the elixir of youth. I’m here to remind y’all looking younger doesn’t extend the time you have here on earth. As far as I know, they haven’t figured out how to make the human body durable enough to be invincible. Some of us enjoy being on stage, some of us enjoy staying home, reading a good book, and drinking a warm tea. Some people enjoy both. All I’m saying is we should be spending our time mostly doing what we enjoy, because we won’t always be able to experience joy, we won’t always be in our bodies. As an artist, we’ve all heard the conversations around creating beauty out of pain, which is a terrific thing to do. However, I hope you as an artist fall in love with the process of creating. Do not get caught up in the opinions of others. I know look at miserable hater ass people as enjoyers of misery. If they we’re the they would change, especially those with the privilege to do so. They’re just doing what they enjoy, who said you had to listen to them?

When I inevitably die, I want to be able for my soul to say, “Wow, I enjoyed that shit, AND I accomplished what I came to do AND many others are better because of it.” This isn’t me trying to tell you what to do with your time. I’m just asking you to think about is any of the things you currently engage in worth your time?

[neverluckygoldfish]

23 -

Lately: been sick as a dog. I hate the flu.

With that being said, I also recently blew up my entire life….in a good way ;)

I have dreamed of settling down in the PNW my entire life. And no, not because I read twilight. My soul has felt at home in the moody gray, the greenery, the culture. I had plans to do so in the next two years. But life happens (as it does) and now I’m moving in 4 weeks!! Holy shit. It feels surreal.

Do I feel like this is a totally bonkers idea? Maybe. Probably. But I don’t care because everything in me is screaming “hell yes” towards this opportunity.

It’s a big change but I feel grateful because I don’t have an urge to drink or use (wild). It’s stress, but the good kind lol.

They say don’t make any major life changes your first year in recovery….but I’ve never been good at listening anyway.

I turn 30 next year. I’m new in recovery, a newlywed, no house or real assets, barely a retirement savings, no kids (except my dog is my child and you can’t convince me otherwise), a little money in the bank, unemployed (making a career change nonetheless), and jumping into this wild change, headfirst. This is not how I pictured 30 haha.

But something I’ve come to admire about myself is my resilience. If I have ever been unhappy with my situation or desired something - I have set my sights on it and fixed/gotten it. Maybe I did it the hard way and maybe I’m (often) too stubborn to listen to advice, but I did it. No looking back. A pro of being selfish. I have never been afraid to take a bold risk, to dare greatly.

Age is just a number baby! Unless it’s less than 18.

I’ve struggled to connect with my greater She lately - once again, I’m trying to control every aspect of my life. To race against some perceived idea that I’m running out of time. That I have wasted all this time with my issues. That I’m behind.

Maybe that’s why I’m sick? If signs are real, I’ll take this as one that I need to SLOW tf down and surrender.

A friend recently told me “it sounds like you are building recovery around your life when you should be building your life around recovery”. It got me thinking. It made me pause….she’s so right. I think it’s an easy trap to fall into. Once things are good, I just race to the next thing. My foundation is fragile right now. What I do, my attitude - it determines my perspective. It sets a precedent moving forward.

I want to let go of the old me: insecure, approval seeking, people pleasing, melancholy, secretive, controlling, perfectionist. I welcome the new me who sees challenges as an adventure, who is kind not only to others but most importantly, to herself. Who lives a fulfilling life and finds joy in the stillness of every day. Who isn’t afraid to chase her dreams. Who trusts in her own capabilities. Who says fuck the haters (lol, but literally).

I am the woman in the arena. Forever.

I needed that reminder.

So yeah, big move but I am so ready. It feels like a fresh start. Also the little kid in me is like “omg eeeeee!!!!!! Check, life dream accomplished”. Energy is on overload lol.

I’m in a good headspace and at a point in my life where I’m comfortable with who I am. I’m not chasing what’s not meant for me. I’m releasing my shame. I’m learning to forgive myself. I’m staying present. I am becoming proud of the person I was / the person I am.

It’s never too late to start over. Everything can be fun, it’s all dependent on perspective. I welcome the next few months and all the adventures ahead!!!

I have faith in my intuition - my greater She. She has led me here.

Each day, a little better and brighter.