#don’t even get me fucking started on how I AM addicted to my medication! because that’s how meds WORK

[whatareyoudoingwithamaserati]

The fact that I have to renew the perscription for the medication I will be on for the rest of my life every six months is so fucking dumb to me. Yeah, sorry! You’re taking this shit every single day and if you don’t get the prescription filled on time you’re going to go into hellish withdrawal. But we have to reconvene every six months to make sure you REALLY need to keep this prescription active. Are you sure you still need to take the med we have said you will be on for the rest of your life? Are you sure you need it?

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

august 17, 2021 4:00 a.m. paradise hotel

three hours later

[grant] you know, i didn’t get a good start to dealing with the whole “my body is broken” thing.

[henry] huh? oh, sorry, i'm awake and heard you; i was just surprised.

[grant] the first time that, um, i got really sick after my sister died, everyone just thought i was mcfucking mentally losing it. i mean, i was, but also i could not get out of bed, could not walk, couldn’t hold a toothbrush even because my hands wouldn’t move…

[grant] and my parents, who are medical professionals, wouldn’t take me to any doctor because they thought i was melodramatic.

[henry] you missed two months of school. we went different schools but i remember that. i didn’t see you for that two months either.

[grant] they only ever took me because they got tired of dealing with me, and they were getting in trouble for me being truant. and what do you know? like every other kid with something wrong, the answer was growing pains. you're tall for your age, so that's it!

[henry] doctors are stupid sometimes.

[grant] tell me about it. i lived with two idiot doctors for eighteen years. the proof is in the pudding.

[grant] and then, uhh, there’s the whole…

[grant] the whole college thing.

[grant] did i ever tell you how i became an addict, bud?

[henry] you’ve never wanted to.

[henry] i assumed it was because people try to numb childhood trauma. and i could tell something was not right with the college hockey team situation, but i didn’t know what or if that was connected at all.

[henry] it could have come from anywhere. most everyone in college does drugs. i smoked a lot of weed.

[grant] it’s both of your assumptions. there were a lot of things i needed to suppress, and i didn’t know how to control myself after tasting the slightest bit of freedom from my parents. but also…

[grant] the dudes on the hockey team hated me except sebastian. i just didn’t click. i wasn’t the right kind of person to fit in that very dudebro jock locker room.

[grant] so, on one hand, i started on a bunch of party drugs and alcohol because i figured out that when i got fucked up out of my mind, they finally found me funny, and you know how i am.

[henry] you are really desperate for people to like you and for you to not feel like you're imposing.

[grant] it’s totally true. i need to be liked. and need is the right word. it’s not as bad now, i've grown out of it a bit, but still, the feeling is there. i need to be liked and to not be anyone's burden.

[grant] yet that’s not the whole story.

[grant] i was, um, well, also illegally prescribed a lot of painkillers.

[grant] by the team's medical people.

[grant] my health issues were already there, but playing a contact sport made it worse. i'm gonna be honest, i don’t remember what happened, but i got some kind of back injury, and i went right back to that state i was in after my sister died.

[grant] seriously, same stuff. couldn’t really get out of bed, couldn’t function. at least not without...

[henry] oh god. i don’t like the way this sounds.

[grant] i was naive enough to hope that people might do the right thing for me once in my life, so i told the medical staff, like, hey, i'm suffering, and i need help. and they just kind of, uh, waved me off and said their job was to patch me up so i could be on the ice, not fix me.

[grant] i was already trouble in all the staff's eyes because i was the odd one out in the locker room, and that's not looked upon well. so, in hindsight, i should have seen literally all the red flags or should have been brave enough to just break down and see a real doctor elsewhere again, but i didn’t.

[grant] anyway, the team staff offered me opioids and i gladly took them. and they kind of sort of barely worked. so i took more. and more and more, and i mixed them with all kinds of other substances. like, i should probably be dead from the amount of mixing i did or from just the sheer volume of drugs i took. also, no one gave a fuck how many times a week i came in to ask for drugs as long as i played hockey good enough.

[henry] and you were good.

[grant] still, the pills never genuinely made me feel better. they just got me high enough to forget about suffering. that makes sense now because i have a diagnosis and have heard nothing but anti-inflammatories are going to really work on resolving the whole pain thing. too late for that, though. i'm an addict. yes, am, not was, even if i'm sober. so, i won't touch them now. i haven't in years.

[grant] but there you go! there’s the story.

[grant] that feels supremely embarrassing to have told, but i wanted to get it off my chest. you are my best friend. more than that. you're family. you're my brother. i don’t have to be afraid to tell you anything and you deserve to know the truth.

[grant] especially because you've never shied away from honesty and you stuck with me that whole time. i don’t think most addicts are lucky enough to have friends and family that patient. and i tried many, many times to push everyone away so i could destroy myself in peace. i wouldn’t blame any of you if you had given up on me.

[grant] yeah. it's not very kind of me to receive that much, um, grace and love and forgiveness, and not at least reward and thank you with the truth. the full and honest truth, even if you didn't ask for it. oh, and a window into why i am the way i am, why i keep my mouth shut.

[kremlin]

it really is alarming how bizzare and erratic and nonsensical my behaviors and actions have become and how much of a complete weirdo i am, not in a fun quirky way nor a dangerous and mentally ill way, it is certainly negative and probably a symptom of much more pedestrian but nonetheless very serious problems like a lifelong hardcore drug addiction and lifestyle that would make a doctors eyes pop out of his skull. i haven’t exactly been to a statistically significant number of psychotherapists to make a sample size but certainly a good amount of them, the more straightforward ones have admitted they do not know which direction to go anymore and all of them licensed to write prescriptions have stated that my issues are not something medication is suitable or feasible to address. when i wrote that post a few weeks ago about how my life has been a failure despite zero hardship and every possible advantage, i don’t think i made it clear that this isn’t upsetting from a “boo hoo i am sad” perspective but a “i could have absolutely and meaningfully contributed to society with my skills but i didn’t”. those words i wrote were absolutely true and after re-read and consideration things might be even fucking darker, the only fucking thing i want anymore, more than i’ve wanted anything in my entire life, is my own family and it’ll never happen for categories of reasons, you can’t be a deadbeat junkie and expect to have a healthy family, you cannot treat people the way i treat people and expect them to just put up with it forever, you cannot expect to meet women that are going to love you and want to start a family being in the shape i am and *certainly* not women that are able to have kids and still roughly around my age. it would be frankly a seriously unethical move to waste their time frankly because even a basic relationship probably won’t work out.

i’ve never in my life been as social and outgoing and fun as i am right now, never been closer to my parents and extended family, and never felt this lonely by a mile, even when i was in school and would go months without a meaningful non-coursework non-job-related interaction with someone.

it’s so fucking frightening and i am so sick of being this miserable and i don’t know what the fuck to do about it and the closer i look the blurrier it gets. this is a new thing in my life, i’ve never really even been upset for longer than 3 days. i think before this last year. i don’t know if what happened last autumn just completely broke me or the camels back. and please for the love of god do not think for a moment i am about to do the things usually suspected of people who say things like i am saying because i am not and feel embarrassed that i have to write that.

[jacksprostate]

Part 4 (with links to the other parts)

The first thing I do is, I talk to the man who takes my sheets, with his scrapdog ears and eyebrows, and I tell him: address him properly.

The word spreads on its own. I remember, before I was used to it, that knowing lilt. Sir. It’s still present. Take your pills, sir. It’ll be alright, sir. Take your time recovering. 

Mills starts cursing at the staff. We pass in the halls, he yells at me, tells me to stop them. He’s not their fucking leader. Call off my dogs.

I smile, too wide. They’ve never listened to me, not really. Especially not on this.

I can’t help you. 

Naturally, he hates this. 

The second thing I do is, I ask for photographs. News clippings. Marla’s dildo was large, questionable, encouraging of disorder, and a choking hazard. Slips of paper are much more tolerable contraband. I’m given free rein, like one of Zimbardo’s incentivized guards. It’s a psychology experiment in a psychology experiment, and my psychiatrist is playing Jane Goodall. 

It’s arts and crafts, and all the attendees are either bruised or braindead. There is no one stopping me. I glue all my collected pieces together into the rough shape of a heart, like it’s Valentine’s Day, and I turn to Mills, trapped at the back of the room. He hasn’t seen a shred of what I’m up to. 

Something to remember her by, I say. I don’t call him sir, because I never have. I wonder if he knows this.

I see him look, more instinct than anything from getting layers of paper shoved in his face, and I see how he clenches his teeth so hard his jaw creaks. He rips the collage of his wife out of my hands, and I can tell, he hates me. Real hate, like he wants death to fuck my body until it’s not even for the worms. 

He can’t bear to destroy it, and now I know every time he looks at it in his room, he’ll be thinking of me. Funny how that works.

The thing is; Mills actually didn’t try to kill me this time, so I think I need to take it up a notch. 

I cross the cafeteria just so I can spit in his food. I piss on his door and get the space monkey janitors to leave it for fifty-seven hours. In group therapy, I take a page from Chloe and monologue about how the last thing I’d like to do is get my rocks off chemically unhindered before the seizure medications they’ve got me on arrest all of my brain activity altogether. A nice nugget for Mills to report back to Somerset about my proposed psychosexual obsession. I segue into discussing how I met Tyler, on the nude beach, grit all across him as he hauled pilings and sat with his bare ass in the sand. It’s the most I’ve ever said about Tyler. The group minder scribbles on her sheet like mad as I describe Tyler’s wet, blond hair. His minute of perfection.

And he still doesn’t try to fight me. I know he wants to. He wants to shake me by my throat and rattle me and slam my head into the ground until it splits open like a rotten egg. But he doesn’t, and he looks torn. Like he’s guilty. Like Tyler could ever really feel guilt. 

This is one of the things I want to complain about when Marla calls me. 

She still does. More than when she was alive. But she says nothing, and I can’t break the silence. I sit there, orderlies watching as I say nothing, she says nothing, just a whole bunch of dead air between us.

Ghosts were always calling for Marla, at Paper Street. 

Now I’ve got Marla’s ghost on the line and Tyler’s ghost in the flesh, and neither want to talk to me. 

We get locked up in supervised one-on-one again, now with both of us chained and one twitch away from a new addiction.

I ask Mills, did you talk to her enough, that last week?

Do you think she knew you loved her?

Do you think she felt loved?

Mills asks for the sedation, this time. Polite about it, like he’s not seething. Like I can’t see how his eyes have been only half empty most of these days, since I’ve managed to fill him up with rage at me. Folie à deux, I want it so bad. 

I am Jack’s crippling sense of rejection.

My stupid psychiatrist, he lets Mills amble out of the room and traps me in there. 

I’m corralled. An angel on either shoulder. All the staff who aren’t from the Project have stopped laughing at my jokes. My antics have not gone unobserved. I’ve been given my time to rein as the world’s most entertaining lab rat, and now this localized god wants results.

“What’s your goal here?”

Isn’t it obvious?

“No. Tell me about what you’re thinking,” he says. I look at him, and I see him, for the first time. Not disillusioned, not holy. Just a sniveling doctor with a penchant for human experimentation and the funding to enable him. 

How horribly average.

He says, “I understand this is difficult for you, but we really need to know what’s going on if you want to have continued support in this manner for your recovery.” Play nice, or you’ll lose your favorite toy.

I say, this has never been about recovery. It’s time we faced that, isn’t it?

This man, so used to my religious apathy, has never truly had a challenge. He looks pinched.

He says, “Of course I want you to recover.”

And I laugh, and I point out that we both know those outside these halls are more interested in what’s wrong with me than any semblance of fixing it. 

You’re not getting paid to drain the swamp in my head. You’re here to keep it plugged up, decomposing. We both know this, I’m just acknowledging it. I laugh.

I tell this little god, he can write me up in all his little acclaimed journals.

But don’t come to me, saying I have to play your little games or you’ll take Mills away. We both know you won’t. The day I give up, the day I become a real vegetable is the day your cash cow keels over. You’re not going to punish me. Not really. You’ll take away my jello, my oats, you’ll put me on lithium and clozapine and valproic acid, but you don’t really want this to end. You don’t want me to get better. You want Tyler back just as much as I do. You can’t do shit to me. I have nothing to lose.

You have everything.

Tyler’s words, back home in my mouth. They’re mine now. I get up and the orderlies flanking me do nothing. I look down on this small, small man, and I think, he has never known a bigger fish. He doesn’t even know the hands that feed him.

I’ve hit bottom, I say, and it’s not you who holds the shovel. Be grateful I let you observe.

[f1ghtsoftly]

I actually think it’s strategically stupid to ask women to forgo male protection and male financing without any kind of organized feminism to catch them. Feminists passionate about separatism need to educate themselves on the barriers women face when exiting misogynistic communities and family structures.

And no, just because you made it out doesn’t mean others can. There are scores of women behind you who didn’t make it. Who went insane from abuse, who developed addictions to cope, who are financially trapped, who experienced worse misogyny in the labor market then in a het relationship. Stop villanizing women acting in their own self interest and start organizing to give women BETTER OPTIONS.

I shouldn’t have had to choose between cosigning conversion therapy or staying in a misogynistic industry, my best friend shouldn’t have had to choose between homelessness and a dad who raped her, my first lover shouldn’t have to choose between a life of financial precarity and the sex industry and I cannot overemphasize that we were all rich lucky white women from the states. What’s it like for women of color? Women from states with worse education systems? Disabled women? What kind of rock are you living under where women aren’t doing the best they can to be financially secure and as free as possible *especially* in a cost of living crisis. And again, please don’t come at me with the “those criticisms are only white women with no problems who just CHOOSE” the women I am talking about are from wealthy white suburban families with boats and big retirement accounts we *are* the women you’re talking about. Just look at what happened to Brittney Spears and Rose McGowan, even “luckier” women who had huge parts of their lives destroyed because they took a stand for their own freedom. Were they just not “tough enough”? Get it through your fucking heads, no woman has an easy time of it, no women just “chooses” to comply with patriarchy for fun. We have three options, be kept precarious and in constant fear of male violence in the labor market, to participate in the running of the very system that oppresses us by allying with men or quit and try to become male ourselves. No women makes a “wrong” choice because all of these options are fucking terrible.

Women en masse aren’t unfree because they get stupid facial fillers or have boyfriends, women getting stupid facial fillers and having boyfriends is a symptom of how unfree women are and many women correctly see how allying with the right men can deliver them from poverty or financial insecurity.

Even middle class women with access to jobs that can pay the bills typically need to cosign a level of institutional patriarchy in order to do so, they become “administrators” to capitalism and are rewarded at the expense of their integrity. Think about all the teachers in the south who are forced to go along with anti-LGBTQ mandates, think about therapists who have to “diagnose” traumatized women with diseases that will stay in the medical records in order to get their insurance to cover therapy, think about the kind of misogynistic abuse women in tech or science take. GET.A. GRIP. IT SUCKS FOR EVERYONE.

And honestly, and I truly mean this, if you genuinely believe you are somehow better or stronger then most women who don’t “get it” I really question your commitment to women and to the project of feminism. It *is* delusional behavior to think that you aren’t one sexual assault, one lost job, one string of unlucky experiences away from trying to stockholm syndrome yourself into accepting male domination in a “relationship” or in the workplace. Without having to decide between sexual assault in a shelter or crashing with a “bf” who rapes you.

Without developing structures that can support women’s autonomy *we’re all* vulnerable to male predation and acting like it’s easy or even possible for women to shake that off not only shows an astounding lack of compasison but a naive and childish belief that your spirit is somehow above breaking. It’s not.

Like seriously please take it from me there is a limit to how much material, spiritual and physical abuse someone can take and so so so many more women then you think are dealing with horrible scary shit from the men in their lives and you can’t always tell what’s happening from behind a screen (or even in person). Even women who really, really annoy me or who are abusive themselves are reacting to male abuse in their own lives so please stop making the barrier to feminism contingent on doing the very things patriarchy makes it hardest to do.

PLEASE focus instead on making it easier for women to live away from men, on removing the ties between women’s financial security and their relationship to the men in their lives, on making women safer in public, on supporting mothers financially and with women’s labor.

It’s not reformism, it’s not choice feminism it’s accepting the reality of where we’re at and choosing to build women only infrastructure that will carry us to a post patriarchal future. That’s what doing the work is. It’s acknowledging where we are realistically as a society and committing to getting us where we need to go.

[ill-caterpillar-7616]

My life is falling apart and I’m so close to a relapse

My marriage is crumbling due to my own mental health and lack of affection. I feel as though I’m failing my kid at every turn, even when everyone keeps saying I’m doing well or telling me how smart and well-behaved he is. I’ve had to move 2 hours away from my husband and toddler to my mom’s house as my grandmother is now needing 24/7 care probably until she passes (expected within a year but who fucking knows) since no one else in the family can or will be bothered by their own mother dying. An ACTUAL live in caregiver wouldn’t be covered by insurance and would be too expensive. My kid is going to have to live like we have split custody. I feel as though I have barely any true emotional support as my husband is struggling with his own battles that I’m trying so hard to fix/ help with since they’re mostly my fault. My friends are all long-distant or online, and I’m not REALLY that close to any of them at this point in my life. My mother is juggling her job, finances, her mother’s health, her mother’s impending death, another mouth to feed as I can’t bring much monetary assistance to the house, and so much more so it fucking seems like I can’t seem to even ask her to take my kid for 5 minutes after a LONG day, not only doing my duties to my kid and grandmother, but helping my own mother outside even though I have chronic joint pain and a fatigue condition that left me feeling like I was going to collapse from exhaustion, pain, and lack of oxygen by the time I finally pushed my body back inside. SHE WOULDNT EVEN LET ME GET THE QUESTION OUT OF MY MOUTH!! I had been struggling to get him to go to bed for over 30 minutes and I just needed a moment (we do NOT do the cry it out in this household). All I said was”Moma,-“ and it’s all “no, it’s not happening, I have to be up early,” as if I’m not having to ALSO wake up early to get my grandmother dressed, fed, taken to the bathroom, and received her toe fungal meds alongside the other laundry list of medications before she needs to be out the door at 8:30 in the morning

Now, I am aware of my responsibilities as a parent and that as I have MY child, he is MY responsibility, and I don’t want to push him off to other people who have enough on their plate, but to ask for 2 seconds of help from my own mother and to be shot down so quickly and (IMO) cruelly, fucking hurt. I’m taking care of her mother and so far, for just the price of a vape (I’m trying to quit. Also I don’t expect monetary return on help I’m just adding it in I guess. Idk at this point). I have a whole life and family that is falling apart but I know I’m the only option here. My siblings either work or are out of state. My aunts and uncles either have work (which some have the ability to still help even then), their own elderly to care for, or my favorite, care more about their weird church’s “volunteer work” or mowingg their lawn more than coming to help or even fucking visit. Like. Who fuxkin does that?!??!?

So with all of that info… I battled with an addiction to self harm for over 7 years. I’m riddled with scars on my body but I have been 4 years clean as of so far. However, with everything going on, it’s becoming harder and harder to push the thoughts away and think on the things that usually help me get away from those urges/temptations. I hate it because my husband and our baby have been the pillars to my continued clean streak/sobriety(?) and with everything falling apart as it is right now… I don’t know how much longer I can hold on to my sanity if I’m being honest. I have to cancel and put a rain check on both my therapy that I JUST FUCKING STARTED and my psychiatrist appointment (I hope I can just call him and let him know the dosage is fine). It’s all just a big fucking mess.

Im sorry. I know there are many details missing to all of this but it’s not for advice… I just needed to get it off my chest. I can’t tell anyone else. Can’t worry those who are my closest circle bc EVERYONE is dealing with something right now and my BS just …no.

[loveofentropy]

type one

they’re afraid to study me

my brain is too complicated

so they choose the depressed

because at least

they just look like a simple mess

i am left behind

with no information

and i’m running out of time

finding myself

comes in many ways

manic episodes

new medications

and therapy appointments

they all end up in the same way

focusing on my mood swings

how i feel euphoric

but in reality i want a gun to my head

no one looks at that

they just say i’m too loud

no matter how much i try

i cant do anything

nothing but sit in my room

with the blackout curtains

so i can lose my sense of time

and have more time to cry

yes i make mistakes

the hookups

the addictions

the smoke blowing in my face

i’m also creative

loving

caring

and beautifully bright

i create beautiful art

but when people speak

they don’t know where to start

i only work when i’m out of my mind

because the “normal” me

(they try to keep me in a category)

the normal me doesn’t like art

it reminds me of being hurt

reminds me of the pain

of loving

of caring

of the hookups i’ve had

of the smoke blowing out of my mouth

that inhales into my lungs

so i can continue to hurt myself

my art is an irony

to take mania

into a beautiful state of mind

how could i call it beautiful

when all i do

is continue to bleed

i bleed in creativity

bleed in too much giving

bleed in my brain

with bright colors that make me look insane

a stare from my mother

concern from my father

mocking from my brother

my eyes look black

painted with crazy

but hey

it’s just something people won’t study

because it’s too much

my pupils blown out

psychosis controlling me

the voices are loud

i’m not sane enough

to learn about myself

let me try showing my depression

through a painting

through a poem

through a pure form of expression

people look away

it’s too much to handle

now i look in the mirror

and ask myself

what the fuck am i here for

do i even know myself

who will ever love someone like me

how do i learn

about my screams

about possible dreams

about people not loving me

if the authors studying

don’t dare get close

to my type of disorder

my type one

it’s a curse

a disease

but hey

it’s the only thing

that ever loved me

[my-adventure-begins-here]

11/23/24 12:11pm

Is it wrong to ask for money? See, and I start this post with this question because I have been struggling. A lot. Between two negative bank accounts and a maxed out credit card, I have no money. I have less money now than I did in active addiction. It’s infuriating. I can’t buy cat food, pay for medication, or therapy. The three things me and Felix need to ya know… live.

Recently, I’ve had to ask for money. Multiple times. Now, people have been gracious and given me the support without a second thought. Whereas my main thought is, “you’re a year clean, still homeless, you lost your job, and now you can’t provide for your animals. Pathetic.” And I don’t know what to do about it.

Cause now while I’m waiting for my unemployment check (if I even fucking get one) and my food stamps, I’m gonna have to quit therapy. Like, I can’t pay for it. After this week, I can’t feed my cat. I’m back to going to food banks, I am lucky there is one close-ish. I’m still here applying and applying for jobs with no luck. I am exhausted.

I don’t know who else to ask for help, how to get help, or how to continuously find the drive to stay sober. It’s been nearly two months of this. What am I missing.

[beautifult999]

I’m just going to say fuck it because Adam did tell me “but in the end you have to live your own life.” Maybe I will try smoking ice cream with Donovan one day. He thinks it will keep me off of crack Cocaine. And I also knew people that were addicted to crack Cocaine that started doing molly or meth instead too. And everybody says it’s better. I honestly am losing the feeling that crack Cocaine is even my drug of choice because of the way I binged on it and craved it and how it destroyed my life. I just couldn’t get clean for even a short amount of time that I was on it, to make my family trust me and give me freedom again. I definitely had a problem with crack. But I feel like meth wouldn’t be as addictive for me because the people I know that smoke it, don’t do it all the time unlike crackheads who smoke every day. I know, I probably will be hated. But I am curious to try amphetamines/methamphetamine because I am so fucking sedated from my medications I sleep all the time. Donovan just said that it’s much more functional to smoke meth than crack

[vivianbernadetteaurora]

Hey guys, this is a new one, it’s just basic principles, see in life with addiction some of us. Some of us you have mental issues can idolise the whole music industry, pop figures, historical figures, just people they admire and a lot of these people had addictions and insomnia and poly substance misuse And I’m gonna be really real hair Scorpio what I’m learning here when you have strong Scorpio placements I’ve been Scorpio and you’re gonna be praying to getting infections a lot and if you’ve got Scorpio in your chart beware for being able to be a drug injector too. This is just a PSA, because in my early 20s, I wouldn’t have listened to any of this bullshit I’m saying right now that’s why I would’ve called it but it wouldn’t have been to me it would’ve been what is this person on about get real addiction is so narcissistic to the point of your thing Ain’t gonna get me crack ain’t ,going to get me heroin ain’t gonna get me pills aren’t gonna get me alcohol isn’t gonna get me or anything else for that matter legal highs tobacco smoking you know weed I mean weed doesn’t so bad but it can fuck with fucked with my head massively now and I can’t even have a puff of joint kill me. I just makes me go crazy. I don’t wanna analyse myself even more than I already do. Thank you.

I will tell you, here I sit it 6 o’clock in the morning on a cold English December morning thinking about the first time I used the first time I smoked heroin I cannot lie it was like ecstasy, not the drug of course because that was not for me either But there was no paranoia. The voices stopped in my head. Everything was quiet, but everything made sense. I felt like I had all the answers to life right there, just from smoking a bit of brown powder here I am 10 years lateer  09 if you want to be really specific, I sit with lumps on my body abscessed. I can’t even begin to tell you how many abscesses I’ve had my thumb been burn away from cooking up in the dark. I’ve been to hospital with an abscess on my breast, which is 25 inches deep and 400 mg of pus, so yeah that’s dead appealing isn’t it sexy the thing is I literally said to my mum the other day I said I only need what they celebrity has an IV blood transplant whatever whatever they do because they get the best care in the world they don’t need to go to rehab to change their lives they don’t because they haven’t got that much to lose when they’re making that much money. I suppose they have if they’re on a really really deep level like say Robert Downey junior in the 90s, Heidi Fleiss, all these people who were in the 27 club, and now I’ve passed that boy, five years six years, and I have to say that in this last year or two, I have felt like I’m gonna die and I’ve just had this feeling in the back of my head that I’m gonna die, because my body has got so big i’m so overweight, it’s dangerous, but then I’m in a predicament that the pills keep me well but at the same time they’re not so I’m stuck in this Embo of not knowing what not to do. I’m borderline diabetic now and it’s all started from the doctors and taking sleeping tablets when I was in my early 20s they are my biggest addiction I plan to see a diabetic nurse and get on those Ozempic it’s really not nice being with size and not being able to do things I used to do.

Because I am a fit person I’ve come from a family where they’re very fit the other side of my family my dad side I’m not so good so I have to be really careful this as well when I was younger I used to walk a lot and walk around everywhere and be very healthy and fit like a pig it was because I wasn’t on any medication and I looked back and I wonder was that but worse or is this worse in one sense of mental torture of the past was worse, but in this sense, the physical torture is worse. But then you can’t have it all I guess just now let people like Courtney love people like Rihanna who supposedly lost her voice swarm drugs. If you wanna believe by dims people like Whitney Houston who had it all, but sang I have nothing .

[rain-tumbling-through-a-vent]

I’m disgusted by my own body. I’ve been spiraling for THREE AND A HALF weeks now and I’ve forgotten to brush my teeth the whole time. I think I’ve got, like, 3 or four cavities. My parents also stopped paying my medical bills so every treatment I get comes out of my own pocket. I need wisdom teeth surgery too, I spent FIVE WHOLE YEARS in braces only to fuck my teeth up after I get them off. I suck so fucking much. I can’t stop scratching out holes in my face either. I started the week with nothing but small acne sores that’d go away in a week and now I’ve got three massive gashes on my face. That’s not even to mention the fact that I didn’t take a shower for THREE WHOLE WEEKS. I’m so fucking disgusting, why can’t I hyperfixate on being healthy or making myself beautiful? Oh yeah, MY MIND IS A PRISON THAT I CANNOT EVER ESCAPE. When I finished my shower yesterday, I pulled a hairball the size of both my fists put together off of my wet brush. I have curly hair so shedding in the shower is pretty normal, but that much hair? It’s too much! I’m scared to take a shower again and pulling enough hair out to create a bald spot. I already broke a whole lick of hair off right at my hairline so that it looks like I have the worst bangs ever. It also doesn’t help that my arms, back, and thighs are covered in scars from where I picked at sores. And when I say covered, I mean fuckin COVERED. I look like an ambidextrous heroine addict with really bad aim and a lying mother. And even on top of all of that, I’m a trans girl as well. So all of my failings only serve to compound the dysphoria that I feel at a base level every fucking day. I know that these behaviors are indicative of chronic anxiety and/or depression and/or adhd, but I’ve never been this bad. I’m borderline suicidal and incredibly lonely, I think I’m an extrovert with such terrible anxiety that it prevents me from refilling my energy. I think that the worst part of all of this is the fact that I have friends that want to talk to me, they just live far enough away to be too expensive to drive over for an afternoon. And I cannot properly put into words how much I HATE talking on the phone and texting. It’s too stressful trying to figure out how to get the time of a message across, and talking on the phone is just terrible. I had a long term partner of two and a half years until relatively recently. I initiated a break in the relationship because we were extremely co-dependent and had been driving apart for a few months anyways. Long story short, he ended up crossing my boundaries and being an asshole to my friends so I ended the relationship. He didn’t take it very well and now we aren’t in communication with each other anymore. The wild thing about it is we were unhealthily codependent, but I didn’t realize how much I needed him. I’ve been in a prolonged spiral ever since I pushed him away, just feeling absolutely empty and all at once overwhelmed. He was my purpose and I threw him away. All of that was pretty terrible, but almost nothing trumps my mostly fiscally supportive parents. My home life sucks and not just because I’m a fucking loser 20 year old that lives with her parents. There’s only one rule for them, one line I can’t cross, don’t be visibly trans at their house. I must note that I’m the eldest of four and all of my siblings hate me for causing my parent’s terrible mental health. They’re not wrong, but I was outed so I didn’t mean to. So one rule, you’re in the closet over here, okay that doesn’t sound so bad. Literally every conversation I have with either of them always ends up being about their feelings towards my transness. They seem to think I’ve been brainwashed by the trans agenda and am going to mutilate myself and immediately regret it. Every conversation ends like this, over and over again I’m constantly reminded that I’m an abomination or that I’m ruining my life. But here’s the real kicker, they continue to support me financially; even going so far as to offer to pay for college if I can ever get my shit together and get back over there. (1/?)

[kdipshit]

Money ;

I show up for myself every single day, I wake up and the first thing I do is try to better myself, I wake up and im grateful, I wake up and im happy I’m alive. I wake up confused as hell as well though don’t get me messed up, I’m running out of weed and I haven’t been to work in a month. Its getting a tad out of hand, just like my situation, lol, seems to be out of my hands, do I need to pull up to my job and confront the entire establishment or do I keep being patient…. Its like they get annoyed when I ask about my hours… like ma’am? Anyways, saying optimistic and using my time wisely, how ever I would love some fkn cash right now, don’t we all? It fucking sucks without money doesn’t it?

Yes… yes it does, but ultimately I’m the one who out myself in this position…. Right? I couldn’t keep up with juggling work and mental health at once, it became too much, it became unbearable, but on the days I could handle it all, I was the fucking man. I hit my numbers, go above and beyond, coz once I’m focused, its pretty easy to get into the flow of it. I have so many new techniques to use once I go back to work, and I shouldn’t be worried weather or not they’re even going to roster me at all, but I am. I am worried, and I’m a little upset I couldn’t stick it thru on my last rostered day. But I chose myself, that day, even though the better choice would have been to put my head in the game and just finish the day, I couldn’t bring myself to do it, I was fine physically, but my mind was racing and I might have gotten violent if I didn’t watch myself, so I got in an uber and left.

Since then, I have not wasted a day. I don’t think, and I have blossomed into something I am extremely proud of, because Instead of showing up to work, I showed up for myself, which has made it easier to show up for the rest of life. I am ready and willing to do the mahi, I’m no better than anybody else. I work to sustain my life, independently.

Tbh if you ask for my snapchat thats so gross. Y’all I used to pop my pussy on snap for HELLA bands…. I aint tripping on snap, but the tiktokers took over. I would never make a personal snap EVER again its like my snapchat when I was younger was just me getting super fucked up like every single day and looking super cute doing fkn lip syncs and getting hundreds-thousands of views I was DEFINITELY a snapchat bitch, but that me was so young, like mind set wise, its childish idk. Ill use it to make money tho lmao, the hustle stays. I really don’t want to prepare myself to start dancing again but shit I will if I have to. Stripping can be VERY fun, but i think the alcohol might win in that fight scenario.

The writing really slows me down, and I’m here for it, it helps me so much, with every single letter, every word, every sentence bring me closer and closer to unravelling our mind. Its like a spell I cast, only I have the password, hidden amongst my writings, flooded within hundreds of thousands of words, because I know how much I like a challenge.

Any substance that I use, I abuse, its like do I really need that fkn much to sedate myself? Like shit bitch… why so damn much, I didn’t even know addiction didnt have to be a choice. Its like every 2nd heart beat is for the substance. Or for the feeling it gives me, or for the feeling it takes away, who knows, I just know that I THINK I need it, look at the consequences, its gonna have to effect me physically, and I’m going to have to get through that, without the substance to save me. Only myself, as I am fully capable. Okay I’m going to save my last cone for life threatening emergencies only. Day 4, starting tomorrow, 28th March. Substance deficit. I’m using my medication for the wrong reasons, I’m abusing them, and I know that, so, this is my moment of change. most important thing to remember is to show up for yourself. Be honest with yourself. Sit with yourself, write it all out.

Am I TMI for the internet? Lmao idk, I barely fucking read. Im the type of person who hears someone fart and looks around seeing if I catch anyones eye, but my question is why I even heard the fart in the first place, in this massive room full of distractions, I get so fixated and kind of zone out on the background noise, sometimes its all I can hear, I’m done so much embarrassing shit when I’m focused on something I don’t mean to be focused on, like other peoples conversations or other people movements… I focus too much on other peoples movements. To make sure no one comes into my space, and if they do, that Im ready for it, but its gotten me to trip up ALOT . I wonder why I do this?

[rantingofasmallorganism]

Infighting and addiction

Dear endless void that is the internet,

Drugs are a thing that of marvel. Some help brings relief to those who need it. Others cause pain. Marijuana, coke, shrooms, and hell sugar is a types of drug. I can admit I have an addiction issue with sugar and carbs. I can admit that. But how do I help someone with an addiction that won't admit it? A close family friend, someone I consider my brother, is constantly fucking vaping and hitting his pen. I hate it, not him. I hate that he is always high and feels a need for this shit. I hate that I can’t remember a time we last hung out and he was sober. 

I blame myself partially. I let him do it around me, in my car, hell I partook a handful of times myself. I never want to do it again, the last three times I’ve done it have been horrible experiences either during or with the aftermath. But he is never sober. Not around me at least. I’m afraid for him. 

It started with nicotine/Cuvies whatever you want to call it. Now it’s that coupled with edibles and pens. Now he’s looking into shrooms. Which is a fucking felony charge if he is caught with it. He knows this, he knows the risks legally, and medically, and what effects psychedelics could lead to. People have accidentally killed themselves and others because of what they saw/heard/experienced thinking it was real. I don’t want that to happen to him. What makes me mad is that he knows legally what could happen if you are caught with it. He dares to ask my mom if he could send it to our house so his mom and dad wouldn’t find the package. Like genuinely what the fuck! not going to lie I snapped at him. 

I threatened that if that package shows up at my house, I would call his mother and tell her that he was smoking and lying about being in classes and that I would never talk to him again. And yeah I overreacted but the weed was "only now and then" and he would "never be high around his family." Two weeks ago at a family dinner, he was fucking zooted. He was fucking lucky that his mom was too tired from her job to join dinner. She would have beaten him, killed him, bring him back, beat and kill him again.

Then I warned his sister and my best friend/his girlfriend (we are all a friend group) and told them how bad it is to get caught with that shit. I mention to my best friend that she could lose something that she worked hard for if she got caught with it. That she could lose something that she worked for over five years that she just finally got? 

Then his sister calls me and says that I am in the wrong for doing what I did and mentions how my best friend could lose what she worked for, and even brings it up. She then told me that her brother said that he was going to work to get clean and to give him a chance. HE ASKED ME AND MY MOM IF HE COULD SEND SHROOMS TO OUR HOUSE! LIKE, GIRL!

My question is should I risk leaving her in the dark and let the universe unleash a plan or do I warn her what's at risk? Do I let him buy and try everything he wants to try and risk getting something laced or going down the rabbit hole? Do I just stand aside and let him possibly kill himself a risk my brothers' safety and those around him?

I have had to bury my uncle because he killed himself after getting drunk during a depressive episode. I don't want to bury him. I don't want to lose my three best friends. I don't want to risk losing my family both biological and chosen. 

They are my support system and to see this happening and no one doing anything. It scares me and I want to take every pen he has and flush them in a public toilet. I want to place a shock collar on him so when he tries to reach for it, Pavlov his ass out of it. 

I'm worried for him, and I'm mad at him for knowing better but still choosing this path. Yes, I snapped. I don't want to lose him.

I don't know what I would do If I did. I wouldn't know what to do if I lost any of them. I know I went overboard and wash harshly, but I asked nicely. I've pleaded. I've begged. Each time was just shrugged off, and now I snapped. I just don't want to lose him to drugs. 

What I hate is that my worry, panic, and concern were turned on me. "Are you depressed?" No, I'm fucking scared I'm going to lose a family member to drugs. "What do you have against him to threaten him like that?" IF I HAD SOMETHING AGAINST HIM I WOULD HAVE LET HIM BUY IT AND GET INTO MORE DRUGS! I don't know man. I really don't. I just want to make sure that he is safe. 

I'm working on fixing my addiction and compulsion issues. So far I am six days in of no sweets and sticking to my calorie limit. It's been rough not going to lie. I've caught myself reaching for loaves of bread and pieces of sweets. I turn to fruits and protein as healthier alternatives.

My mom says I need to step back from them and let their actions and decisions play themselves out. That I need to focus on myself and my well-being and the slew of issues that I am dealing with. "Let him hit the wall, do not follow him into the wall. But be there when he needs help backup. You can't help someone up if you are at the same level or lower."

I just don’t know what to do.

-your blogger

[plaguedghosts]

I know I reminisce on the past a lot but before mental illnesses robbed me of talent and intelligence, I was on the path to be a successful person. I was extremely talented in archery with a recurve bow, to the point my family and I were going to move so I could start training for the Olympics. I passed college entrance exams at 14, started college at 15, took honors classes, AP classes, any class I where I could learn more advanced topics, and had most of my associates degree completed by the time I graduated high school with a 3.98 GPA at the age of 17 (only goes up to 4.0 where I live), and I would have graduated with my associates degree majoring in Biotechnology, minoring in biology and creative writing by the time I turned 18. I had a job lined up at a biotech company who was working on helping finding the cure to Alzheimer’s as well as researching and developing vaccines. I had universities wanting to give me scholarships to continue my education. I had my whole life planned out, until I developed schizophrenia, it has robbed me of so many things. It makes me cry and makes me feel like such a failure. I can barely do simple math, I’m extremely forgetful to the point I will forget where I am, I dissociate a lot, have a lot of melt downs, slight agoraphobia, all the while trying to downplay what I go through for the sake of others so they don’t know how bad it has become. The only things I know how to do is the stuff I learned growing up like installing light fixtures, repairing toilets, faucets, changing locks, fixing and repairing heat sensors in furnaces, all the little things you hire men to come into your home to do, I grew up mostly in a women only household, and my mother wanted me to become self sufficient and not have to rely on anyone, but now I can’t go outside alone, even to check the mail. I can’t live on my own, I can’t take care of myself, or even handle my own medication, sharp objects or guns because I am a danger to myself. Mental illness has stolen my independence, my intelligence, my talent, and my sanity. I’m trying to learn how to write fiction again, and trying to remember simple words gives me literal headaches sometimes and my google search is just full of questions for synonyms, definitions of common words, how to spell words, sentence structure, all the things I studied religiously and knew before. I am trying to replan my life and figure out what I want to do, it’s so hard to see how I want to plan my future when all I can think about is my failures and my past. It’s funny to think while I was successful I was also addicted to drugs, and getting abused, none of that caused me to faulter, but psychosis tore me the fuck down and left me in ruins.

I may not be able to do math, but I know how to uninstall and install garbage disposals

[damonjuicyscock]

Pictures of you-Chapter 14 (90's Liam Gallagher X Reader)

Pairing: 90's Liam Gallagher X Reader

Warnings: angst, fluff AF, mention of sex, funny (dunno if it's even a warning LMAO), language, maybe a few spelling mistakes

Words: 4010

Summary: January 1999: You and Liam get back together. A little surprise comes to invade your life.

A/N: HEYA ! I am back with chapter 14. I saw your birthday wishes and I thank you a lot ! Fun fact: Standing on the shoulder of giants was recorded not so far from my place and I quote places that aren't far as well (it's like 45 minutes away from my place OMG why wasn't I born earlier). I hope you'll enjoy it !

(OML HE'S SO)

One more and last chance. Liam knew what he risked if he fucked up one more time.

On this year 1999, something or someone came to us. And I was still young enough to think it could save and improve our marriage and relationship. And being on medication, I didn’t think it could be possible. But it was.

When Liam found me in December 1998, we had passionate sex. And at the beginning of January, I was late.

So I went to my therapist, thinking meds were affecting my menstrual cycle. It wasn’t.

He prescribed me ne meds and called one of his colleagues, asking him if he could receive me the same day.

Then, he prescribed me a bloodtest.

I was bearing Liam Gallagher’s child.

January 4th 1999- London

When I went home, Liam wasn’t there.

But he had left a word on the table.

“I’m at Noel’s, brainstorming for the next album, you can join me, and I’d like you to. I love you”              

So I was back in the tube to join my husband at his brother’s house.

The only bothering thing were the fucking paps in front of Supernova Heights, even though now, I was used to it.

They took pictures of me and asked me questions, but I stood silent. Meg opened the door and I entered.

Hi Y/N, good to see you!

You too Meg!

She closed the door and hugged me. Nausea took over me.

Oh…

Are you okay?

Yeah. I’m just curious, what’s the perfume you’re wearing?

The usual one, the Lacoste one. Why?

Smells good. How are you doing?

Not so fine…

She started to cry.

Hey, what’s going on darling?

I don’t know, I’m not feeling so fine these days. My sleep is bad, it feels like my life is spiralling out of control.

I’m sorry to ask you this but… Have you been drinking or taking drugs lately?

Drugs, no. But alcohol… yes.

I put my hand on her shoulder.

Stop drinking. I can welcome you in the sober people club.

It’s going to be harder than that. I’m addicted Y/N.

Then if you want to, ask Liam to give you the address for rehab. They’ll help you there.

I’m kinda scared about it.

I know, and it’s normal. But it’s the only way, and Noel will have the right to visit you.

Will you come to see me too?

Of course! I answered

She wept her tears and gave me a weak smile.

They’re in the studio. I’ll make some tea and join you there.

Okay.

Meg went to the kitchen, and I knocked at the studio’s door.

I entered and as per usual, Noel was holding his guitar while Liam was trying to sing what his brother was asking him to sing.

Oh hi cock! Noel said when he saw me

Oh hey me love!

Hey you two. Hope you’re doing fine. Noely, you should go help and cuddle your wife. She needs you. I said

Noel put his guitar on the sofa and got out of the studio.

Liam came to me, hugged me, and kissed me while his hands stood on my hips.

I’m happy that ye joined me. Liam said, smiling

I wanted to, and I also wanted to talk to you. There’s something I want to tell you.

Oh yea? Tell me then.

Well, I’ve been to see my therapist this morning, you know? To talk about the fact that I thought my meds and the probability they’re making me late in my cycle.

Oh yea, and so, does it have any…

No. He sent me to do a bloodtest and see one of his colleagues. He prescribed me some other meds and in fact I’m late because you’re going to be a dad. I said, my voice trembling with emotion

Wot?!

I’m pregnant Liam.

No, that, I understood Y/N. What is it right is how can ye fucking do this to me?

I was stunned, I never imagined he would react like this.

I beg your pardon? I asked

How can ye do this to me?

Hey Liam, I wasn’t alone when conceiving this baby! You were there!

I thought ye were on the fucking pill!

Oh because you thought I kept taking the pill after your fiasco with Lisa?

Oh, here we fucking go again!

Yes, and we’re not done with this, I told you it wouldn’t be this easy! You thought I forgot about it? Well no, and I’ll never forget what you did to me, to us! I clearly wasn’t enough! So yeah, when I left you, I stopped taking this shit that can fuck with my body, because I wasn’t seeing myself fucking another man than my fucking husband compared to you! You asked me if we could start over and that’s what I’m doing, and this baby is the proof of it!

Well it will be without me, thank ye! Liam shouted

Noel had witnessed the scene.

Liam! He shouted

I started crying, my hormones also taking over. All I already was multiplied per 1000. Now it was per 1 000 000.

Fuck you Liam! I shouted

I got out of the studio, running to Noel and Meg’s Garden.

Meg found me there while Liam and Noel were arguing, as per usual.

Hey what’s going on Y/N? Meg asked

For fuck’s sake! I yelled

Meg took me in her arms, as I sobbed uncontrollably.

What did he do this time?

Rejecting me. And the baby I’m bearing. His fucking baby, his child!

You’re pregnant?

Yes. 3 weeks pregnant.

Damn… what a bast…

Meg, please!

Sorry, it’s just… how can he refuse that? Has he ever wanted to have a baby?

I don’t know, we never talked about it. I just thought that it maybe wasn’t the moment, that we were taking our time, that maybe one day we would have kids even if I never thought about it and never thought if I wanted some, which I doubt because the poor kid will inherit my fucking rotten DNA!

Hey, calm damn love! Meg said

She saw I was starting to panic and tried to calm me down.

Meg can ye go to the studio with Liam please? I need to talk to Y/N. Noel said, arriving outside

Sure. I'll be right back.

She went inside but Liam was gone.

Noel sat beside me.

Fag? He proposed

Noel…

I know yer pregnant but ye might need one. It’s only one.

I accepted. He lit mine first, then lit his. I took a drag of the cigarette and exhaled the smoke.

He’s angry at ye.

What the fuck?! I wasn’t alone to conceive this baby! It’s just… It wasn’t planned!

Don’t ye two know birth control?

Oh shut up! I’m going to tell you the same thing I said to your brother. Do you really think I kept taking this shitty pill after he cheated on me and I left him?

Yea, ye’ve got a point.

So I do know birth control, your brother doesn’t, but in what concerns his baby…

I touched my belly

Ye want it, do ye?

Your brother asked me for a new start. This baby is our new start. I never asked myself if I wanted to be a mother. But it happens… why not after all?

I understand. I’d like to have babies with Meg too.

Really?

Yea, but it’s not about me here.

I said what I had to say Noel. I want my new start.

So ye chose its name then? New start? That’s… particular.

I laughed

You’re a twat.

No, I just prefer to see me best friend laugh. He answered with a wide smile

I recognize the Noel I knew. What happened to you these past few years?

I stopped doing drugs. It was destroying me, and I was hurting people. I also slow down on alcohol. I was mean and wasn’t myself because of this. Soz for being such a prick Y/N.

It’s okay. It’s good to see you like this though.

But I don’t mind a little spliff from one time to another.

Oh you know, as long as it’s not cocaine or some shit like that…

Yea.

What should I do with your brother? How should I act?

Talk to him. That’s the only way with Liam.

*

When I got home, Liam wasn’t there. He only came back at midnight, completely wasted.

I heard the door slam shut, which woke me up. He was holding a bottle of rum in his hand.

Where were you? I asked calmly but worried

At the pub.

Celebrating something?

More like drowning me despair with beers and rum.

What despair?

Ye wouldn’t get it.

If it’s about the baby, I…

Yes, it’s about the damn baby!

Liam almost fell, but I caught him.

Okay Smirnoff, sit down and let’s have a talk. And stop sipping your rum, you need to have you mind cleared.

There’s nothing to say Y/N, what can I fucking tell ye?

I don’t know. Talk to me. Why are you so fucking angry about the idea of having a baby with me?

I’m not angry about ye.

Then who?

Me fucking father.

What does he have to do with all this?

Fucking everything! I’m so fucking scared Y/N!

What? But… why?

What if I’m a bad father, huh? I won’t be violent with me own kid but… what if I make fucking big mistakes?

I put my hand on his.

You will my love. And I will too. They won’t be big, but we’ll make mistakes. Together. Nobody’s perfect Li’. But what I know is that you’ve never been a wife and kid beater.

Liam looked at me, with tears in his eyes.

No. But I already hurt ye, and I don’t want to do it again, nor hurt this kid. I just can’t.

You won’t. We will work on this. You asked me for a new start, don’t you think it’s our chance? I know it wasn’t planned, I know we never talked about it, but did you ever think about having children?

I did, I even recognized Molly even if I don’t… Shit, soz me love.

It’s okay. What has been done is done. You have a daughter and I think that’s a good thing you recognized her.

I’m just shitting me pants. That’s all. But I fucking want this baby with ye. I wanted it since the moment I laid me eyes on ye. Breeding ye, putting a baby in ye, see ye grow it, see how even more beautiful ye would be while bearing me baby…

This time, I was the one to have tears in my eyes. I kissed my husband before they could spill.

What an adventure it is to be with you, Liam Gallagher.

*

June 16th 1999- Saint Raphaël- France

We were now in France where Oasis were recording Standing on the shoulder of giants in Montauroux, a few kilometers away from where Meg and I we established our headquarter.

Saint Raphaël was a little city located by the sea. We could shop, eat, take sunbathes, see gigs from French artists…

Of course, we visited other towns and cities around when I wasn’t taking pictures. But we both had a crush on Saint Raphaël.

On this day, we decided I would drive us to the beach in Fréjus, just next to Saint Raphaël. It was our “day off” in a way and Meg absolutely wanted us to go without the boys.

I love your swimsuit! Meg said

Thank you! I had trouble to find it actually.

Why’s that?

Because most of the swimsuits for pregnant women are absolutely horrific.

Oh, you should tell me where you bought it then.

It took me a few seconds before realizing what she meant.

Wait a second… Are you telling me you’re…

She nodded, a big smile on her face.

Yeah, I’m pregnant.

I screamed with joy and hugged her.

Oh my god I’m so happy for you! when are you due?

January. You’re the first to know so don’t say anything. I just wanted to tell you first because I find it so exciting for us to be pregnant at the same time.

It is, indeed!

And what about you? Your belly grew up so fast!

And yet, it’s not over!

Do you know about the gender? I didn’t ask before because I felt it might have been indiscrete.

Meg, you’re my beloved sister-in-law and my friend, don’t hesitate to ask! And to answer you, I have an appointment in two days in Nice. Liam will accompany me. I think we will know there.

That’s cool! Have you started thinking about a name?

Not yet. Liam and I we want to wait to know about the gender first so we won’t have to look for boys and girls names at the same time.

I understand. And what’s your feeling? Boy or girl?

I don’t know. The baby hasn’t kicked yet. I’ll probably know when I’ll feel the strength of its kicks. I said caressing my growing belly

If this baby is this calm, it’s probably a girl.

Dunno. And what about you? I know it’s too early to say since you’re only a month pregnant but what does your maternal instinct tells you?

Oh I think probably a girl. And you’re the one who made this happen. Thank you, Y/N.

Oh stop Meg, I only have a little part in all this, you know? You have to thank yourself first. You’re the one who made this happen. You decided to go to rehab and be cured. I was just a little help.

*

June 17th 1999- Nice- Nice Hospital

I’m panicked Li’.

Like fer every ultrasound. Don’t worry baby, ye know the baby is healthy. Ye would feel it if there was summat wrong.

You might be right.

I am, me.

The doctor arrived and made us enter.

So Mrs Gallagher, how have you been feeling since last month?

Good, merci doctor.

Anything to report? Is the baby moving?

I haven’t felt it move yet. Is it normal?

Oh don’t worry about this, it will come very soon, some are just lazy. He said chuckling

I smiled and even though I didn’t like his comment, insinuating my baby would be lazy.

She’s panicked everytime we come to see ye. She’s scared that something might be wrong with the baby.

Mrs Gallagher, you would be the first to know and feel if something was wrong with the baby, I can promise you. But still, we’re going to control this, like each month.

So it was time for echography. Liam was sat by my side, holding my hand to reassure me.

Your baby is as healthy as the last month. And I remember what exactly you wanted to know. I’m happy to say you’re expecting a healthy baby boy!

Liam and I both looked at each other and kissed. I think deep down, Liam felt relieved to know we were having a boy. I felt him worried about the idea of having a girl. And boys are easier to educate. Or so I thought.

*

What about Liam?

No Liam, we’re not calling our son Liam, calm your fucking watermelon head for a second.

Hey don’t swear, he can hear you!

Oh yeah, so true, he’s going to come out of me screaming “fuck”! I answered sarcastically

Liam sighed

Paul.

No.

John.

Too basic.

George.

No way my boy’s gonna have a gramps name.

Ringo.

Are you done quoting the Beatles’s names? Ringo isn’t even his real name, it’s Richard and there’s no way for my son to be called Richard.

Sid.

Hell no.

Mick.

Don’t even start me with the stones’s names. I’m thinking about something but I’m not even sure you’ll like it.

He rolled his eyes.

Tell me.

What about Lennon?

Lennon?

Yeah, Lennon. So you can always call him after your favorite Beatle.

Lennon… Lennon Gallagher… Yea… I like it! Fucking cool name!

Yeah, I also love the way it sounds!

John Lennon Gallagher…

No. Only Lennon Gallagher.

I was joking ye knob. He answered smiling

Wanna test? I asked

What d’ye mean?

Talk to him. Let’s see if he reacts.

Liam smiled and approached his face from my now kinda big belly.

He left a kiss there and caressed it.

Oi you, yer mam and I we decided to call ye Lennon. D’ye like it? It’s like… biblical and godlike man.

The baby didn’t react.

I think that’s a no. I said chuckling

Liam took a big inspiration

Oi Lennon! Liam spoke closer to my belly, almost shouting

I felt him jump inside me and he gave me a big kick that hurt me.

Geez Liam! Don’t fucking do this! I laughed

Ah see? He reacted!

You woke him up for fuck’s sake, he was asleep! You traumatized him and it hurts me!

Soz!

I put my hand on my belly, caressing it.

It’s okay baby. You have to know that your dad is always very loud. But don’t worry Lennon. Your dad is also very kind, and you’ll have fun with him, and he won’t traumatize you anymore. Don’t you Liam?

Oh fuck off! I didn’t do it on purpose! He said, laughing

Yes you did. You wanted him to react.

Liam opened his mouth to answer, but nothing came out of it. Until…

Yea. Soz. Soz Lennon, I just wanted ye to react.

The baby kicked.

I think he forgives you. I said, smiling at my husband.

Someone knocked at our bedroom’s door.

Wot? Liam shouted

Noel opened the door.

Our kid, I have bad news. He said

What is it? I asked

Bonehead is leaving the band.

Oh shit.

*

September 12th 1999- London

We were back in London since Oasis had finished their album, without Bonehead and Guigsy who had left the band. Liam was deeply affected, while Noel was selfish and angry, just thinking about “they left the band” and not why they did.

They still were in studio with their producer to make the final arrangements.

It was around 6pm this evening when it started. I was shopping baby stuff with Meg and for her since she learned that Noel and her were expecting a baby girl.

I had small contractions but nothing unmanageable.

Oh my god, Y/N, look at this cute jumper!

Very cute indeed! But this one is even more cute! I said, showing her one with a baby unicorn

I’m taking it!

No, I do! What am I going to offer you otherwise?

Okay, I don’t insist!

Then suddenly, a big contraction. I put my hand on one of the racks and exhaled loudly.

Are you okay? Meg asked

Yeah, the baby is just acting up. Did you find the teddy bear for my son?

Yeah, follow me, I found it in the plush department.

I followed her, starting to walk but it started to hurt even more. I bit the inside of my cheek not to show my pain.

Here it is.

Oh my, this panda is so damn cute! I said

So you don’t want to buy a teddy bear anymore then?

Nope. I have a crush on… Oh fuck, look at this cat’s one!

Make up your mind! Meg said laughing

I did! It will be this holy cat!

And the second after I said that, there was a sound of liquid running on the ground.

What was that noise? Meg asked

It took me a few seconds before understanding this noise actually came from me.

Huh… I think my water just broke. I answered

*

The Portland Hospital-London

Here I was, panicked and waiting for my husband to arrive.

Meg was with me, and she had called Noel so he would tell Peggy, who took the first plane to London with Paul.

Your pain on a scale to 10? Meg asked

I’m fine darling! The baby is not coming no…ouch.

I’m sure it’s a 10.

Not far. I said, wincing

Liam entered without knocking which scared me.

For fuck’s sake Y/N, are ye okay?

Yes love, don’t worry. I’m not fully dilated yet.

Did ye ask fer the episcopal?

Epidural Li’. Epidural.

Yea, whatever, did ye ask fer it?

I’m not dilated enough yet. So at the moment, it’s only pain and I.

Hi Liam, happy to see you! Meg said sarcastically

Soz, hi Meg. Noel is en route for the airport to welcome mam and Paul.

That’s good. I can’t wait to meet my nephew.

Well actually your nephew is kicking my ass! I groaned

It’s almost over baby. It’s almost over.

Oh I believed him, but he was wrong. 20 hours later, I still didn’t give birth. I was exhausted, crying and in pain. So I beg for the epidural even if it involved syringes which has always been my phobia.

I felt a lot more relaxed after this. Nurses and the midwife came to take me to the delivery room.

Wait! I want to stay with her! Liam said

Liam, it’s not yer place. Peggy answered

I want to stay the fuck with me wife, mam.

Do you think you’re strong enough? the midwife asked

Of course I am! Who d’ye think I am?

A man. And usually men faint in the delivery room. She answered

I won’t, me.

Y/N, do ye want him by yer side? Peggy asked me

I don’t give a flying fuck, get this baby out of me! I cried

I think that’s a yes.

24 hours after entering the hospital, on September 13th 1999, I gave birth to a wonderful son.

Liam didn’t faint until he saw our son. Peggy gave him a big slap and he immediately came back to earth.

I could finally hold my little Lennon in my arms and oh dear he was beautiful. I started crying while observing him, he looked a lot like his father.

We were out of the hospital at 10 pm.

While I was sleeping, Liam took a glass of whiskey and our son in his cosy with his cat plush and went outside to smoke a cigarette.

When he was done, Lennon started crying. Liam immediately took him in his arms, rocking him.

Shh little one. We don’t want to wake yer mam, do we?

Liam put his little finger between Lennon’s lips who started to suckle it.

Liam was still panicked of being a dad. But when he saw his newborn son in his arms open his eyes, his fear increased.

He kissed Lennon’s forehead.

Liam was a father, and he would never let anyone touch his family.

[kiame-sama]

28 Years (5th Pregnancy)- Yandere!Silva x Reader

Warnings; yandere relationship, yandere tendencies, yandere behavior, yandere, mention of past trauma, pregnancy, c-section, more arguing, vasectomy, Zeno is so done with his son's bullshit

"No. We are not doing this again. I won't allow it!" "Hey, I told you how to fix this from ever happening again." "I did use protection. It clearly didn't work." "I didn't say 'use protection' did I? I said you should get a vasectomy since it's clear that regular protection and emergency medication doesn't work!" "I shouldn't have to-"

"ENOUGH!"

You and Silva fell silent at the firm and loud command from Zeno, looking over at the frustrated elder assassin. He happened to be holding young Alluka in his arms while the infant whined and cried from all the noise, compelling you to take the young child and set to comforting the infant. Alluka quickly quieted once in your grasp and allowed you to return your attention to the matter at hand, the new heartbeat that originated from within you.

You had been trying to avoid a third pregnancy given your prior back-to-back pregnancies and your already fragile health, yet here you were with another infant growing within you. You assumed something like this would happen, given your past attempts with contraceptives and how little they actually worked. Naturally, you suggested Silva have a vasectomy as it was not only a surefire way, but also a reversible surgery.

Originally, you suggested getting your tubes tied despite the danger that came with it but Silva quickly shot down the idea with his usual explanation of not wanting to lose you. Silva knew somewhere in him that the typical contraceptives wouldn't work, given the fact that he had used several similar methods to trigger a termination of prior pregnancies you were unaware of. He had hoped in some way that your body hadn't built up a resistance to them, but he also knew it was going to happen eventually.

He did plan on undergoing a vasectomy when you had first suggested it, but he quickly forgot about it in favor of getting to finally fuck you senseless now that your body had somewhat recovered after your most recent pregnancy. He had just been so relieved you were able to be brought back from your cardiac arrest following his mistake of once again taking your child away, and couldn't help himself from indulging in his favorite pass-time; fucking you. It was clear to everyone how addicted Silva was to you, in the way he would always return to your side after a job, how he would guard you jealously from anyone other than himself.

He was so whipped for you.

But now, you had a serious choice to make for your future and the future of the life already growing within you. It wasn't hard to guess what Silva wants to have happen, and some part of you agreed after enduring all that you had. Yet... You still felt that maternal connection already forming, wanting to protect all of your children from Silva, even the new child within you that had yet to take even a first breath.

"You're not keeping it." "Yes, I am." "No. I won't tolerate this again!" "Good thing you aren't the one who has to tolerate it. Last time I checked, its my body that goes through all the strain and effort of pregnancy, not your’s." "Are you doing this just to hurt yourself? To try and exhaust your body to the point of death?" "... Again, last time I checked, I wasn't the cause of my heart stopping." "..."

Silva stood silently, passive expression on his face as he wrestled with his own mind over the matter at hand. On one side, you were right; he was the reason he almost lost you, he's been the reason every single time. Even if it was complications during birth, it was still his fault entirely for getting you pregnant in the first place. On the other, he knew the immense toll another pregnancy will have on your body and the chances of you dying during birth increased with each one. The odds were not good.

It was then Silva spoke, his voice gentle and not at all like what you were expecting him to growl out with. It was the voice you scarcely heard on those far and few between days Silva would be truly gentle in every way, usually reserved for when he decided to honestly apologize to you for something. He was proud and cold, but there were those moments when that pride was set aside, when he would actually explain how he felt instead of leaving it at short sentences that never offered answers.

"(Y/n), don't do this again. Don't stubbornly hold on to this one. I know you already love it, as you love all of our children, and you will always fight for their safety no matter what, but for once you need to let me win. Let it go." "... If I say 'no', will you take it from me anyway?" "(Y/n)..." "Are you going to take my baby away from me again, Silva?" "..."

A soft sigh left Silva's lips as he frowned, knowing you were going to win the argument regardless of what he said or did. He knew he owed you more than he could give and there was no way he would force you to give the child up. If you truly wanted to keep it, he wouldn't be able to convince you otherwise. Still didn't mean he had to like it.

"There is no sense in saying the obvious or telling you the risks you run having another baby so soon after your two prior pregnancies." "I know..."

Zeno hummed in a contemplative way, knowing Silva would refuse to go out on a job while you are pregnant and he had already refused to leave the Zoldyck estate in favor of keeping an eye on you. Given how intensely and fiercely he protected you, Zeno knew the immense toll the pregnancies have taken on Silva as well as you. But no one in the family wanted a repeat of the events that took place after Silva had taken Alluka away from you without telling you.

It was going to be a long eight months.

~~~~Four Months~~~~

"You need to sleep, (y/n)." "But what if something happens?" "Nothing is going to happen." "You don't know that..."

Silva frowned as he watched you pace in front of the couch in your shared rooms, chewing on your lip as you cradled your youngest in your arms. The child had already fallen asleep in your arms an hour ago, yet you still held on securely and refused to set your baby down for even a moment. Silva had seen the way you reacted to Illumi being taken and the subsequent over protective behavior you showed once you got him back in your arms.

Your behavior now was similar to how you behaved then, refusing to let your infant out of your sight to the point of impacting your health negatively. Silva knew you were reacting the way you were because of how he had managed to take Alluka from you in the first place. He had taken Alluka while you were sleeping even though you slept with the infant swaddled in a pile of blankets in your arms, so now you refused to sleep in fear Alluka would disappear from your arms once again.

Now he had to face the lasting consequences of his actions in the form of soothing you to the point of trusting him once more. It was going to take a while, however, as Silva had broken your already fragile trust yet again by stealing away your newborn, so it was unlikely he would be able to get you to trust him completely any time soon. Instead of the trust he once had, he had to watch you slip away into anxiety driven behavior due to his careless and selfish behavior.

It was driving him mad to watch you slip into such frenzied behavior, especially given the fact that you were enduring your third pregnancy in a row. Not only did you need sleep now more than ever, but you also had been refusing food in favor of feeding Alluka instead. It infuriated Silva to no end, as he had no choice but to let your anxious behavior play out until you calmed down once more. He wasn't going to chance doing anything that may be upsetting to you, but that also meant he wasn't going to force you to rest no matter how much he wanted to.

"At least sit down, (y/n)." "With you? No. No, not again." "I swear to you, I won't take-" "You've said that before, and it didn't stop you from taking Alluka away from me." "I'm aware I made a mistake, but I assure you-" "No."

It was going to be a long four months until you gave birth again and potentially trusted him once more.

~~~~Six Months~~~~

You hummed as you looked down at where your darling Alluka slept, curled up and held securely in the arms of Illumi. Silva had reached a breaking point when it came to your anxious and stressed behavior, deciding to allow Illumi to be by your side consistently so you would finally relax and get some much needed sleep. The presence of your eldest nearby did wonders to soothe you, trusting in your son to take care of his little sibling and keep Silva from stealing the infant away.

Though Silva disliked the fact that he had to share your attention and affection with his eldest son, the alternative was far worse in his opinion. You had gotten to the point of rarely sleeping so you could ensure Silva could not steal your baby away, draining yourself immensely in the process to the point you were not only rapidly losing weight, but you were becoming far less coordinated by the day. When enough was enough, he consulted his father on what his next step should be and the answer was obvious; let Illumi help take care of your wellbeing.

Your eldest practically jumped at the chance to spend unlimited amounts of time with you, not even perturbed by the fact that he had to take care of his youngest sibling. An extra cot was added into the bedroom, allowing Illumi to be present for around the clock assistance in child-care and to give you the added comfort of having your most trusted son nearby. You ensured to teach him how to properly hold an infant and how to soothe Alluka's fussing relatively quickly, only strengthening your motherly bond with Illumi by allowing you to put full faith in him with Alluka's well-being.

For once, Silva's plan worked like a charm. Not only did you finally start catching up on the rest you needed, you began to eat your meals with Illumi and therefore began to eat regularly once more. Along with your physical health, your mental health began to improve as well. You started smiling and talking more, resting with surprising ease in the arms of the very man you refused to so much as blink around only weeks prior.

Thanks to your teachings, Illumi was a rather brilliant nanny in your stead. Alluka would hardly make a peep when held in the comforting arms of Illumi and similarly, Illumi would make little to no noise while caring for his sibling. Even if he had more responsibilities with taking care of Alluka, Illumi wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world. He could spend time with you, talk with you, relax in your maternal love and affection.

Truly it was a win for all three of you. Alluka was always cared for. Illumi was finally able to spend more time with you. You were able to relax for the first time in who knows how long. Even Silva had relatively few losses, given how much more affectionate you were with him now you knew your infant was safe.

~~~~Eight Months~~~~

Silva paced outside of the delivery room, looking up almost every minute to check the time before resuming his endless pacing. He was much like a caged lion or bear, pacing just to pass the time and to do something other than sit still. He certainly was far more dangerous than any of those animals combined, only serving to add a rather pointed reminder to any doctor of what their fate would be should they fail.

But that was the whole purpose of this endeavor, to ensure nothing failed. Surely nothing could have gone wrong with all the precautions that were put into place.

Surely.

Either way, the long time it was taking only served to make Silva more anxious and his presence all the more intimidating. It in truth had only been a few hours since you went under so the doctors could perform a c-section to safely deliver what would be your fifth child. After the close calls with both Killua and Alluka as well as the fact this was your third back-to-back pregnancy, Silva wanted to take no chances with your life.

A c-section was how Killua and Alluka ultimately had to be delivered despite the fact you were able to have a 'typical' birth with Illumi and Milluki, so naturally it would only make sense for your fifth child to be delivered via c-section. It didn't sit well with Silva, however. Nothing would sit well with him until you were safely out of surgery and in his arms.

But what was taking so damn long?

"For fuck's sake, Silva, sit down. Pacing doesn't make it go faster and intimidating the doctors will only make it more likely for them to mess up." "Their lives are forfeit if they so much as make a single mistake." "And they know this. They've known this. All you're doing is adding another element no one wants to deal with."

Despite his father's chiding words, Silva continued to pace and glare at nothing in particular. Where it always seemed as if the man had a scowl on his face, it seemed ten times worse given he was actually scowling. The moment the door opened, Silva was pushing past the frightened doctor and into the room where his wife lay motionless.

For a moment, Silva felt an honest pang of fear in his chest when he saw you were not awake, the ever present beep of the EKG soothed him to know you were still alive and merely unconscious. The doctors all scattered like frightened rats, scurrying away from the intimidating mountain of a man who silently pulled up a chair, sitting by your side and refusing to take his eyes off of you.

Zeno, Maha, Milluki, and Illumi entered the room in a much calmer manner as they also came to stand around you. Alluka had been moved into Zeno's care given the impending delivery of the new addition to the family, and Illumi stood ready to receive the newborn and care for it while you recovered. Everyone had been preparing for the newborn in their own way, from the butlers ensuring the utmost safety to Zeno taking over Alluka's care, it seemed everything was finally prepared for and taken into account.

Meanwhile, in the past month, Silva had finally undergone a vasectomy so there would be no further chance of yet another pregnancy threatening your future with him. It was possible that it could be reversed and so it was the only surefire way no unexpected pregnancy would happen again. Where Silva felt he would have no reason to reverse the change since he already had five children, the option was always still available should something ever come up.

Perhaps finally there could be peace in the house. At least, peaceful enough no sudden pregnancy could threaten your life. Now all that needed to happen was getting the new infant out before Silva could finally have you all to himself once again.

He could wait. He could wait as long as he needed to. Because in the end, you would always be his.