#don’t ask me why I do this to myself but this is the reason I’ve read 400 911 fics so we’re sticking with it
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HELLO, STRANGER — HAITANI RINDŌ
content: kanto manji!rindou, female reader, smoking (or trying to), strangers to ?, both of them are young, family drama, insta love (?), a lot of dialogue, kinda proof read. wc: 2,4k.
note: i missed rindou soooooo much and i had this in my drafts for so long. hope that the rindou girlies who are still standing (like me) like this <3
“You don’t know how to smoke, do you?”
Hearing a male voice out of nowhere made you jump with alarm, causing you to throw the lighter from your hand to the ground and almost do the same with the cigarette you had between your lips.
Your heartbeat was racing, it couldn’t be good that someone was talking to you out of the blue while you were sitting alone on a sidewalk at ten o’clock at night in a neighborhood you were unfamiliar with.
You did a quick scan of your surroundings, a little relieved to notice that it wasn’t a completely lonely area, the convenience store where you just bought these cigarettes was a few meters ahead, illuminating the place along with the streetlamps, also, there were people walking their dogs and others in suits that maybe were returning home from their jobs.
Okay. You’re kind of safe, and if not, at least someone will hear you if you scream.
A little more relaxed (though still wary), you took the cigarette out of your mouth before turning back to see the owner of that voice.
It was a guy. Maybe your age, maybe a few years older, who knows. He was blond, and thanks to the streetlights you noticed that he had blue locks, he also wore glasses and was dressed completely in black.
Well, he’s cute… BUT, you didn’t like the teasing way he was looking at you. As if you were a joke. That’s why you responded with a sharp, “I do know.”
Just to prove your point, you put the cigarette back in your mouth, and just as you were about to reach down to pick up the lighter that had fallen beside your feet, the guy beat you to it, taking it in his hand with a chuckle.
“I see…” He said, fiddling with the lighter in his hand before giving it a final glance and handing it to you. “So you smoke cigarettes backwards? First time I’ve seen that.”
The blush was quick to appear on your cheeks as you pulled the stick out of your mouth to look at it, realizing that was the stupid reason why you couldn’t light it. Shit. Will the earth be able to suck you in right now?
But, even when that would be a great favor, you were a girl with pride, so you wouldn’t let this guy notice how embarrassed you were. Without looking at him, you rolled your eyes and brought the cigarette back to your mouth (now the right way), and tried to light it again.
Key word, tried. Because you failed in the attempt, again.
“You want me to turn that on for you too?” You heard him say it, which made your blood start to boil.
“I know what I’m doing.” You replied dryly, determined to light the cigarette, but now your enemy seemed to be the lighter that simply did not want to work. Did the universe have something against you at this moment? Or what the fuck is going on? You haven’t stopped embarrassing yourself in the presence of this guy.
“I can clearly see that you don’t.”
“Can you just go away?” You blurted, angrily tossing the cigarette along with the lighter to the ground before bringing your hands to your head in frustration.
“And let a lady alone in the middle of the night in a neighborhood where someone can hurt her? Nah.”
You rolled your eyes again. “I’m fine. I can take care of myself.”
“I know.” He said as he sat down next to you and you turned your knees to the other side so you didn’t have to make physical contact with him, he just snorted and spread his legs anyway.
“You’re not from around. Can I ask why are you here?” He asked, leaning his arms on his legs.
“I am from around.” You said, somewhat mimicking his posture.
“You’re not. I think I’d remember a face like yours.” What was that supposed to mean? But before you could ask, he was quick to speak again. “You ran away from home, don’t you?”
For some reason, the question made you feel sick to your stomach. Why was this boy so nosy, in fact, why hadn’t you gotten up and left already? Is it because, even though his meddling irritates you, you didn’t sense any bad intentions from him?
“You just love to stick your nose where it doesn’t belong, don’t you?” You said, looking at him with narrowed eyes.
“You’re starting to know me.” The boy said with a smirk, winking, an action you would never admit out loud that you found attractive. “So, did I get it right? Did you run away from home?”
“No!” You exclaimed, perhaps more loudly than you had planned. “What makes you think that?”
The boy let out an incredulous chuckle, looking straight ahead before looking back at you and starting to count with his fingers, “Let me list. One, you’re in a neighborhood you’re not from. Two, you’re trying to smoke and you don’t even know how. Three, I saw you reject your mother’s call like three times in a row.”
As if it was another joke of fate, at that moment your phone started ringing, the name Mom appearing on the screen, without thinking twice, you rejected it.
“Four now.” He said as he stretched his legs out on the pavement, leaning his arms at his sides. “Wanna vent about it? I’m a good listener.”
Even when his offer sounded tempting and somehow you thought it was nice of him, you couldn’t help but snort and say, “I don’t even know you.”
Despite the bitterness in your voice, he didn’t shy away, on the contrary, he smiled sideways before saying, “That’s better. I won’t judge if you’re worried about that.” He shrugged, “Sometimes venting to a stranger it’s better than with someone you know. You can tell me all the embarrassing shit you want and probably never see me again, take it as a way to protect yourself.”
That sounded just as stupid as it made sense. Somehow, this handsome, annoying stranger was right. All you wanted right now was to vent, and unfortunately you didn’t have friends close enough to listen and understand you; and while the latter wasn’t completely warranted with this guy, the former certainly was.
“Whenever you’re ready, I’ll listen.”
You wanted to laugh at yourself. Were you really considering taking it out on a stranger?
The answer was yes.
“I had a fight with my mom.”
He was silent for a few seconds, perhaps waiting for you to continue on your own, but when he noticed that you wouldn't, he asked, “Why?”
You took a deep breath, searching internally for the right words to express yourself.
“She’s so… controlling.” You started, and before you knew it, you were taking everything out. “She’s just crazy. She wants me to be perfect, like, unbelievable perfect. On the outside and on the inside. Obviously under her standards of what it means to be perfect. Which means, perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect nails, impeccable clothes, extraordinary grades, being the best in any extracurricular activity you can think of to get me into. And it’s too tiring, because no matter how hard I try, it never seems to be enough. She’s never happy with anything I do, none of my accomplishments please her.”
Tears of frustration began to gather in your eyes before you knew it, but at that moment you didn’t care.
“Today I had a bad day. I didn’t sleep at all last night because I stayed up studying for my exam, I got in a fight with my friend for some stupid reason I don’t remember, I didn’t eat because I had to stay for an extra credit activity, my ballet teacher scolded me because my pirouette was not perfect and made me repeat it a thousand times. I was too tired, so I decided to skip piano class, but I knew I couldn’t get home before 8 because I knew my mom would find out I skipped class, so I went to the library to take a nap. But when I got home, my piano instructor had already called my mom telling her that I didn’t attend the lesson.” You wiped with your hand the tears that ran down your cheeks uncontrollably. “My mom was angry, she started questioning me if I was doing bad things, like smoking or drinking and things like that. She didn’t believe me when I told her I had gone to sleep in the library.”
You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm down at this point in the story. The stranger was too quiet, he had not even moved from his position. Was he still listening? But whether he was listening or lost in thought didn’t matter to you at all, all you wanted was to get your frustrations out.
“I don’t know how, but I started to tell her to leave me alone. She clearly didn’t like that and told me I was an ungrateful brat. And I was at my limit… So I ran away from home, took a random train just thinking that I wanted to be far away from her, and ended up here in Roppongi talking to a stranger about my family life because I have no one else to talk to.” You said sarcastically, gesturing with your hands around you. Your eyes went to the cigarette and lighter lying on the floor, and an unfunny laugh escaped from your mouth. “I was walking around, thinking how my mom would hate that I was in this area of town alone, then I started to remember more things she hates, besides how tired of being perfect I am— I got angrier and thought, what would make my mom totally lose her mind? That’s when I decided to enter the convenience store to buy the cigarettes.”
At this point, you felt you talked too much. How much time had passed? Wasn’t the stranger annoyed at having to listen to you?
From overthinking, you didn’t realize that you had been silent for who knows how long until the boy spoke, “I believe she hates smoking?”
“Like hell. She thinks it’s one of the most repulsive acts in the world, besides biting your nails.”
“I think you could have gone for nail biting instead of smoking, if you wanted to piss her off.”
You chuckled, “Yeah, I know.”
Finally after a few minutes, you had the courage to look at the stranger with whom you were surprisingly more comfortable than with people you had known for years; he was already looking at you when you looked back, so the eye contact was immediate, you noticed he had lilac eyes. Pretty.
He held your gaze for a few more seconds before sighing and looking straight ahead again, scratching the back of his neck.
“Damn, I guess it’s too late to say that I’m a good listener, but not good with words.”
For some reason, his comment made you laugh. Like, a really genuine laugh in which he joined in the middle.
“Okay, okay, let me try.” He said with a chuckle as your laughter began to cease. You watched him attentively as he settled back into place, now sitting with his body toward you, ignoring how your knees made slight contact.
“Look, I don’t know you, or your mom, and while it seems like she only wants the best for you, maybe the way she expresses it and executes it is not the best. And I understand that having that kind of pressure always on you to be perfect can be very tiring. I just want to ask, don’t you have friends or someone that you can genuinely be you and not the perfect daughter?”
“No.” You mumbled, biting your lip. “My circle of friends all see each other as competition. I have no siblings, or close cousins, and of course no boyfriend, no boy is good enough for me, according to mom. And I... I just feel lonely all the time.” Your last words came out almost in a whisper.
You both remained silent for who knows how long, it wasn’t uncomfortable, for some reason it felt comforting. Just your breaths with the sounds of the night in the background, some birds, some cars, some voices. All together made the moment feel almost intimate.
He took a deep breath, his gaze softening as he watched you. “But you know—” He began after a moment, his voice gentle, “Being lonely doesn’t have to mean being alone. Sometimes it’s about finding someone, anyone, who will just... listen.” He hesitated, choosing his words carefully. “Look, I know I don’t know you, and this may sound weird as fuck, but maybe I can be that person for now. I mean, I might not know you, or everything you’re going through, but I can listen if that helps. Even if it’s just talking about little things that make you laugh or what makes you sad. You don’t have to carry it all by yourself, you know?"
The warmth in his eyes reflected an understanding that was rare, a feeling that wasn’t just sympathy but a real offer of connection. And in that moment, you felt something shift inside you—a small glimmer of hope that, maybe, there were people out there who genuinely wanted to be there for you, without the need for perfection.
Finding no better words to say, from your lips simply came a, “It’s okay.”
The boy smiled sideways, and you noticed that his muscles relaxed, maybe he was nervous that his words would scare you, but it was the opposite.
“Do you like ramen?” He asked, all of a sudden.
“Who doesn’t?”
“I guess you haven’t had dinner, and I know a good ramen place around here, if you want, we can go.”
You smiled sideways at the invitation, inevitably feeling happy that this strange encounter would not end soon.
“Well, I think my mom will kill me anyway no matter what time I get back, so let’s go.” You said, standing up. The boy let out a chuckle and imitated your action, standing in front of you.
“I just got that we didn’t introduce ourselves.” You said with a smile, stretching out your hand to him. “I’m Y/n.”
The stranger took it in his, slowly, his hands were cold but still, it was the warmest handshake you’ve ever had.
“I’m Rindou.”
#𐀔 — mar wrote this.#— tr#— drabbles#rindou haitani#rindou haitani x reader#rindou x reader#rindou x you#haitani rindou imagines#tokyo rev x you#tokyo revengers drabbles#tokyo revengers x you#tokyo revengers
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(Pt. III) Friends to Lovers HCs w/Homicipher x GN!Reader
Tags: Platonic + Romantic HCs, Friends to Lovers trope for basically every LI, Likely OOC for some LIs*, Mini Scenarios (so HCs are kinda plot-driven), *Multi-Part Series, entirely SFW
Also, changing tenses in some cases + not proofread again... sorry!
*Some of the LIs are likely written OOC (Out Of Character) mainly due to a lack of substantial in-game appearances (at least in my opinion!).
*Split into multiple parts because I’ve come to realize that these HCs are muuucccchhh too long 😅 BUT!! I’m too lazy to shorten them sooo… YEAH lol
Part I (Big 🙆♂️)
Part II (Mr. Chopped 🪓)
Part III (Mr. Crawling 👣)
$$$
Mr. Crawling
This man is in love with you.
Lowkey could stop right there.
Well, anyway…
Mr. Crawling is a GREAT friend, actually.
Like he’s the kind of buddy that’s —first of all —down for whatever.
You said you tryna go walk through an unfamiliar part of the Apartments to try and find a mysterious elevator?
Well…
YEAH SURE HE’LL TAG ALONG
I MEAN… WHY THE HELL NOT, Y’KNOW??
“Me know place here,” He’ll say. More or less: I know this place!
And he’s so damn chipper about it, too!
He’s just an overall helpful guy.
He seems to have an intrinsic protective streak in him, too.
Which is interesting, ‘cause it’s like…
While it’s obvious he’s been in the Apartments for a long time, it’s clear that he hasn’t completely lost his sense of humanity.
I mean, trust —it’s definitely worn in some ways.
Like, he eats people bruh.
Trust, his sense of humanity is def gone in some ways...
But!! At least he's not as violent as the other ghosts can be!!
Like, generally speaking, you’ll find that he’s a pretty admirable dude.
He doesn’t hurt other entities for the pure sake of hurting them.
Defense, and alternatively —for food or other resources like clothes or tools.
Those would probably be the only reasons Mr. Crawling would ever just… attack someone, especially unprovoked (unprovoked, but not necessarily without reason).
That being said, he’s a social butterfly!!
He’s literally a professional yapper in every sense of the word.
Like… he could start a podcast LMAO
Podcast Bro!Mr. Crawling…
Anywho, he’s genuinely a people person and he likes being in good company.
Whether it’s you, Mr. Silvair, Mr. Chopped, Mr. Stitch(?), the Nurse, Mr. Wheelchair, the Hairdresser, etc…
He’s genuinely the type who could talk to literally anyone about anything for any amount of time.
If you’re a yapper too, this’ll probably be fun for you!
And hell, you may very well have met your match, LOL.
If you’re more introverted or quiet —no matter.
Mr. Crawling, being the professional he is, knows how to fill up any awkward silences with banter.
He doesn’t judge you at all on the basis of how you react to his yapping. Truly.
At the end of the day, he just enjoys sharing your company and getting to hear your voice, as little or as often as that occurs.
Hopefully, you don’t find his constant need for company annoying.
… Do you find him annoying?
At some point, Mr. Crawling begins to realize his feelings for you have changed…
In the case you accept him as a partner, he’s absolutely OVERJOYED.
Not only have you promised to indefinitely keep his company, but you also accepted him as your better half!
“You enjoy me?” He’ll ask, pulling himself over your curled-up form beneath the thin white sheets of the hospital bed.
“Me enjoy you,” you’ll say. You might even pet his head a few times, and he’ll giggle maniacally before dropping his head into your neck.
As Mr. Crawling’s fondness for you intensifies, so does his protective streak.
This guy turns into Papa Bear when it comes down to protecting his better half.
What Megan thee Stallion said??
“Three things I don’t play about: myself, my money, or my man!”
That, but more like: “... my friends, or my partner!”
Something like that, LOL.
Mr. Crawling’s sweethearted, bubbly, outgoing, protective, and quite affectionate. Intimacy is a language he speaks as fluently as his otherworldly one.
As we know, he’s very much the “high-maintenance” type.
He’s just super affectionate overall —and Mr. Crawling just wants to know that you’re always on the same page!
Tell him you love him.
Tell him how fun it was exploring the same old dreary halls with him. Tell him how relieved you felt when he swooped in to shield you from danger, even though you could handle yourself just fine. Run your fingers through his hair and massage the nape of his neck as you tell him how much you’ve come to enjoy —and maybe even crave —his company.
And when you’re done…
Tell him you love him. Yes, again. Again and again and again and again and again…
He could never get enough. Truly.
He could never get enough of you.
With a boyfriend like Mr. Crawling, you’ll never have to fear a lack of comfort, protection, friendship, or intimacy…
Because he’s constantly giving it to you.
You don’t even need to ask for any kind of intimacy —again, he’s giving it to you anyway.
And whether you’d like to shack up in a nearby spare room beside Mr. Silvair and Mr. Chopped’s loungeroom (of the sort) or if you take him with you to the surface world…
It makes no real difference in the way Mr. Crawling clings to you.
All he knows is so long as you’re both finding yourselves tangled together beneath the sheets each night, all is right in the world!
Mr. Crawling just wants to spend his evenings at home, and if home is where the heart is, then…
Well, you know how that goes!
[Part I (Mr. Big 🙆♂️) | Part II (Mr. Chopped 🪓, First Half/Second Half), Part III (Mr. Crawling 👣)]
#homicipher headcanons#homicipher fanfiction#homicipher x reader#homicipher mr crawling#mr crawling#mr crawling x reader#homicipher mr crawling x reader
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“The fact that I do not know is because I was not taught, not because I’m not capable of doing it. Women are kept in the dark because men believe we are too fragile to know such things. I’m not fragile, Benjamin, I can handle myself.” Despite her attempts to remain cool, calm, and collected, the cracks in Sarah's façade were visible and it was hard to deny her ignorance. But it wasn't her fault she didn't know about it. Besides, in her mind, the not knowing only made it that much more intriguing. “That’s why I want you to show me. I trust you. And I care about you. And I want you. Isn’t that enough?”
Would you truly damn yourself for me? She shook her head, brows pinched together as she tried to make sense of his words. How could love be damnable? Though, she wasn't sure if the 'love' in this situation was entirely emotional, she knew it was certainly physical. Her body craved his, her lips yearned to crash against his until there was no air left between them, just their bodies pressed together in harmony.
“No one has to know." In a single, airy string of breath, Sarah whispered a desperate plea. "And no one will. It’s just us. There’s no one else here. Just you… and me… and our passion.” Narrowing her eyes, she quirked a brow and tried to offer a joke to lighten the mood. “Unless, of course, you are secretly hiding ladies in your closet.”
He spoke of no turning back, of going too far and, although she knew he was completely right, Sarah didn't want to listen to reason. She spent her entire life following her head instead of her heart and, for once, she wanted to let go and try something now.
“From where I’m sitting, there’s already no going back. I’ve taken the dive, so is it wrong to try and enjoy the fall? If I’m bound to crash either way, I might as well have fun on the way down. And I’m certainly having fun. Aren’t you?”
"You understand that, don't you?" He asked, his eyes filled with such tenderness that she wanted to cry. Why did he have to be so kind to her? Why did he have to be perfect in every single way except for the one way that mattered? Letting out an impatient sigh, she tilted her head and averted her gaze.
“I understand plenty. I’m a grown woman, Mister Tallmadge. I may be ignorant, but I’m not stupid. I may not know the... intricacies of how men and women make love, but I know that it’s not a simple matter. In this moment, I have the rare, fleeting freedom to choose my own fate. And I choose this. I choose you. Please don’t take that from me.”
Letting out a frustrated laugh, she shook her head in defiance. “Not having you will hurt me, too. I’d prefer the lesser of two evils.” As hard as she was trying to remain clear-headed and mature, the ache in her chest was distracting, slowly weighing her down with each passing moment. She didn’t want to come down from this high, but she didn't want to beg. She didn’t want to seem childish or desperate, and yet she didn’t know how else to make him understand.
He reached for her hand and guided it to his erection. She let out a shuddered breath as her fingers grazed across his skin, and again when he moved her hand to her own heat. She knew she should feel ashamed of how wanton she was behaving, but it was maddening how much she wanted him. Her mind was fuddled and her body burned for him and, although his protests were valid, Sarah was too far gone to listen to reason.
Pulling away slowly, the blonde furrowed her brow and looked at him pointedly. His concerns made sense, they were perfectly reasonable, but she couldn't help but think that any other man would’ve caved by now. It was a testament to how good-natured he was, of how doing this with him couldn’t possibly be a mistake. But his hesitations made her wonder if there was more he was concerned about than just her future value when it came to marriage.
“Tell me the truth,” Swallowing hard, she dared to ask the question that rose to her mind. “Are you afraid that I’ll regret it? Or that you will?”
Gently, Sarah took his hands and placed them over her breasts, trying to tempt him into sin, while wondering if he could feel the way her heart thundered beneath her ribcage.
“I’ve already bared myself to you. And you, to me.” She reminded him, a shy flush spreading across her cheeks. In an attempt to be seductive, Sarah lightly raked her fingers across his chest. She raised her eyes to meet his, fluttering her lashes and secretly praying he was weak enough to fall for it. “In the eyes of the law, of society, and of morals, we’ve already gone too far. Why stop now?”
As the last strands of her dignity slipped away, Sarah moved onto her knees and inched closer to him, resting her hands tenderly on his shoulders and leaning in closer. Gently, she peppered soft kisses across his throat and dared him to take the risk. “Come take the plunge with me, my sweet. We can fall together.”
The desperation in Sarah's mien was palpable. Her arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders, anchoring his forehead to hers as he struggled for breath.
"What is 'more than this'? What does that even mean?"
Swallowing, Benjamin offered, "Doesn't the fact that you do not know prove we shouldn't? Sarah, if you don't even realize what you're asking for, I'm reluctant to continue this, no matter how badly I might want to."
Sarah gripped at his arms, her eyes puddling and instilling in him a deep, mournful ache. She seemed so sorrowful, so sincere, so hurt, and the inner white knight in Benjamin leapt to her defense, cradling her face as he quickly reassured, "Yes, Sarah, yes, of course I want you -- and the fact that I do care for you, and quite madly, is precisely why I'm so reluctant."
Her bottom lip quivered. "I-I may never feel this way for another man, let alone a husband." His mouth dropped, and then she hooked a stray lock of hair behind his ear, her thumb gently tracing the curve of his jaw. "I may never be treated with this much care again. Would you truly wish to deny me the pleasures of love, just so another man can steal my purity?"
Benjamin drew a breath. The thought of another man, any man, touching Sarah and pawing at her soft, subtle curves nauseated him far more than he cared to admit. As wrong as it was, he wanted her -- he wanted her, and all for himself.
Keeping his hands in gentlemanly places, he weakly asked, "But...would you truly damn yourself for me? And just for a few moments of pleasure? Sarah, do you even understand...?" Trailing off, he pressed his lips together, not wishing to insult her intelligence.
"I do not wish to do this with anyone else. I-I want to do it with you, Benjamin," she persisted. Her words rocked through him in shocking, tumultuous waves, and despite the undeniable pleasure he felt over her confession, the guilt returned tenfold and he winced.
"If we do this, we can't take it back..." Eyes searching hers, he fondly stroked her hair. "You understand that, don't you?"
Sarah seemed so naïve, so young, and upon hearing her question, Benjamin offered a hesitant nod. "Yes," he whispered. "Yes, I am worried about the part that comes next..." Eyes darting in between her face and the space between them, he lowly explained, "It might hurt you... In order to make love, I must enter you here." Taking her hand, he encouraged her to trace the length of his cock with her fingertips, his breath hitching before he guided her hand between her own legs to press upward against her slick, throbbing sex, indicating just where she was to take him.
"Do you understand?" he huskily asked. "When poetry speaks of being one with your lover, it isn't just figurative."
#the manipulation is off the charts with this one smh my head#sarah pleinsworth ( interactions ).#honorhearted#usfw.
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hey um. u sure make a lot of art about lesbians for a man. you're normal about us, right? ;;
What? Yeah, I’m normal about y’all.
#I understand the suspicion and where you’re coming from I really do but strange thing to ask an artist tbh#ill say this. I try to be cognizant of my positionality as a queer man who enjoys sapphic ships and am constantly checking myself to make#sure my art doesn’t go into territories I don’t feel comfortable with. thereve been times I’ve second guessed myself while drawing rarijack#and thought “Is this too much?’’ and I have to check with my partner who is sapphic.#but also I’m a queer artist who likes drawing queer love. if my content makes you uncomfortable I’d be happy to start a dialogue about it#but there’s a reason why I’ve not drawn women kissing or being explicitly intimate.#anyways my art and thoughts about gay men are not so normal because I like cock so do what you will with that info#ask me#anon
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five stages of grief but it’s five stages of social anxiety
#walk with me#this morning i got a bouquet delivered to me at work randomly out of nowhere#the note basically said that i could count of the person even if for just some words of advice or a gesture that could make me laugh or mad#count on the person**#i immediately knew it’s from one of my coworkers and ngl i have a very charged?? relationship with them#in the sense that it’s very intense and we can be laughing joking and teasing or we can be really angry and pissed with each other#it can have very extreme emotions even if we just chill most of the time#idk why i think this whole year i’ve been leaning on them more?? and we started texting more often too#so we’ve been more properly friends lately#and for one i was SO EMBARRASSED for getting flowers bc my coworkers tease the shit out of everyone myself included and i’m not used to#gestures like that so obviously they were on my ass all day about it#and everyone asked about them and it’s EMBARRASSING to get that much attention#(me: i wanna be a singer / also me: can’t stand to be the center of attention)#anyway the person that sent them avoided me yesterday out of nowhere??? idk if they thought i was mad bc i didn’t reply to their texts all#weekend but i literally never reply to anyone and pms was a bitch and i just wanted to be alone#so they didn’t talk to me on monday i was mostly just working listening to music bc i was still emotional whatever#and today i did talk to my other coworkers bc it’s the day when my favorite coworker comes in and i talk to them a lot so i engaged more#and they were still ignoring me and then the flowers came in and we didn’t say a single word to each other today we just texted#they told me they sent them and that ‘they forgot’ what they sent and that it was just meant to be a nice gesture#and that bc they wanted to ‘surprise’ me and make me feel better bc i said i was sad at one point?? idek#i literally just want to tell them I HAD PMS ITS FINE I FEEL SUICIDAL ALL THE TIME and move on#bc now i’m second guessing everything they’re saying bc i thought we were friends and there’s no reason why friends can’t send each other#flowers or whatever but they’ve been avoiding me and then they keep answering my texts really weirdly and i always misinterpret flirting bc#i’m never outright romantic with anyone?? plus we’re FRIENDS i should have no reason to think that’s changed#but they’re being so weird and why get me FLOWERS??? idk get me a chocolate or a coffee i don’t NEED flowers#and then i said it was random to give me flowers out of nowhere and they’re like no it’s serious bro what’s serious??????#your feelings towards me?? or just your will to cheer me up???#if they don’t reply straight up in their next texts i’m gonna flat out say but it was a platonic gesture right???#so yeah i’m overthink getting flowers bc what’s the social code for that and what is one supposed to do when they get flowers from a friend#delivered to their joint workplace where everyone can see them and think they’re from a partner or something
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would you all think that continually rescheduling even up to the last minute before an appointment, regularly switching from call to texting even when i’ve said i find texting less helpful because it comes off more brusque, no consistent linear topic directing, constantly directing focus to my day to day life/relationship rather than anything else about me even if i express concern about the rest of it is reason to consider breaking up with a therapist
#i like my therapist but i’m just getting to the point i kind of wonder why i’m paying for it#i don’t feel like anything has really been resolved and i feel like there’s kind of#idk unrealistic expectations of how a man should act when you throw therapy talk at him?#idk#but moreover i just don’t know#i don’t like the constantly being rescheduled#and then also she always says i can ‘reach out to her any time with problems’#and then when i do i get an ‘oh i’m on vacation so i’m not reading that till next week’#or ‘have a crucial conversation’ i KNOW that#i know that’s what i SHOULD do but for various reasons i can’t#maybe a ‘how’ would be helpful which is what i’m looking for#i want to express that i do in fact know my relationship has issues that need to get worked out#but therapy makes me feel like it’s kind of my job to force him to change some things and i can’t#i feel like any attempt to ‘force’ this stuff would just build resentment/contempt and not actually be useful#and again#it’s not being EXPLAINED.#it’s just ‘well hold him accountable’ HOW#i have had this therapist for like 3 years and while I’ve made some progress i don’t really feel like it’s because of therapy per de#i feel like my eating disorder has gotten NO in depth attention whatsoever#like it’s just ‘why do you think you do that’ ‘how do you think you could stop’ wow thanks i could ask that myself (and have)
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I mean this from a social perspective not a health one : why does everything feel weird right now. Like yes I’m heartbroken about the reality of my position in the lives of my so called friends but now I just feel confused. I don’t understand why I’m not important and why I can’t change to be important to others, nor what makes a person important either.
#like okay yeah I’ve been lowkey crying in the middle of the night because of how unimportant I feel but that’s down pat now we get it#I just want to know why am I not ? like am I doing something wrong ? I could’ve sworn I’m trying my best to not be annoying frustrating and#to be there but the reality of things is that I can’t always be there given my condition#sometimes I wonder how hard it is to ask me a simple ‘are you okay’ or ‘how are you’ or god forbid that I am missed lmao pls fniesksn ignore#the last one I think that’s too much but at least the other two#I don’t want to tell people to ask me these because then it feels fake and that they’re doing it just for the sake of getting me to shut up#about it but I don’t know#dora daily#a reason why I hate insta with my whole life because it just never fails to prove how worthless I really am#like I could’ve died yk … and it’d still be the sahara desert there#anyways I like being alone a lot something I’ve found out about myself#(I hate it actually but I only like it because I cannot make myself do anything like even talking seems so very exhausting so I can manage#with the loneliness when I’m ill but I can’t cope with it when I’m even a smidge better)#sigh.#just sigh. where did I get my friends from and why does everyone seem to love their friends so much but I cannot#don’t get me wrong I talk about how much I love them to everyone and if I don’t I obsess abt them in my head but it is not reciprocated to#be honest. not at all#and that’s what makes me sad. I still love them because I love unconditionally it seems#but from a conditional viewpoint they do not cut it#and that makes me disappointed#that’s why I’d kill to be loved or heck even remotely liked the way I like others even half of that yk#I am not a good person in my eyes but I would do so much just to be liked like that I wish I knew why I’m not worth being liked only worthy#of being tolerated.
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#vent tag#alright I don’t know why I’m venting on main but if I keep screaming into the void I’ll only fuel my self destructiveness#this is kinda hard to read so uh warnings ahead#tw sh related#so um. I broke the promise I made to myself at 12#I cut all over my wrists. I’ve been cutting for years but told myself I’d never reach the wrists because that would’ve been my breaking poi#well.#I’ve reached it.#I’ve reached the breaking point#I keep pushing through doing everything that’s asked of me and not complaining z#with a smile. because better times are coming and I am the change I need#yadda yadda#try to stay positive because my life can be so great#but then I stay home.#with the source of all of my negativity.#and refuse to elaborate on it to my loved ones. because i already do it too much#and so many things happen to every single one of my friends all the time. so I have no right to talk#because it’s too much. and it only makes people feel all too bad for comfort#but I’m tired.#so much happens to me all the time too#even if it’s not as apparent as it can be#so I cut. and I keep stewing in my self hatred. and I keep shouldering what my parents tell me.#my father has been making it Very hard for me lately. he’s almost always the reason I cut these days#of course it’s not only him but that’s not the point#I keep hurting myself over and over because I can’t keep it together anymore#but I have to. my parents need me#my friends need me#I need myself to do the things I have to do#….friends now.#I have almost nobody.
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Feeling deeply tired of my family hours.
#it’s ok#I’m so tired#why don’t you have to watch what you say#no we don’t have to be told to watch what we say#because we have a fucking filter#and we notice people are getting upset before they yell or cry#or at least I fucking do#there’s so much I don’t do and say to not upset you#and I can never tell you because guess what you’ll get upset#everything I do is for this fucking family the only reason don’t kill myself is for your feelings#and you think you’re catering to me#I can’t tell you how I really feel because every time I do you make me feel worse#I never minded no one noticing how hard I try#that was always the point quiet little things to help things go smoother#a mediator a listener#that’s me that’s Klaryssa she just does that she likes it#and I do#I love helps I really do#but I also do it because sometimes it feels like no one else will#mom cleans what no one notices#I say let’s look at this from eachothers point of view#I go hey is that really the best way to say that#I’ve been cleaning up emotional messes for yeaaasrs#and you you go why is it on me to consider your feelings#because that’s what people do#I’m asking you to change your phrasing because it hurts#and you don’t understand why you don’t understand why#you just want to know why#I’ve been trying to explain for years#why is it my fault you still don’t understand
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y’know just as soon as i start getting comfortable with the idea of being open/relying on my dad and him being more comfortable with my choices than i feared, i can essentially throw all that out the window with how vehemently he yelled at me at the thought of my getting my septum pierced (even though i never said i was yet. i said my side before i decide anything else). also making underhanded remarks of me never getting tattoos other than the one for my mom. like okay don’t ask me why i don’t tell you about anything or talk to you or anything. what the fuck.
#‘i love you no matter what’ and ‘you’re an adult and as long as your choices make you happy’ out the window i guess.#are we too sober for those statements to apply all of a sudden?#and again i didn’t even say i was getting it any time soon. i said my sister wants to take me to get my first non-ear piercing.#she’s getting hers repierced & i want to get my side.#and then he started going off on me for it for no reason. and brought up the one tattoo i want to get for my mom.#and THEN made an off handed remark of a similar vein about dyed hair.#i hope he knows he’s literally the only reason i don’t have piercings or tattoos or dyed hair or like anything that lets me look how i wanna#like deadass. i know i’m your ‘baby.’ but can i please actually embrace myself. i don’t care if you don’t like alt culture. i do.#he would shun the girls i crush on fr like oh my god.#like if he knew what i really wanted to look like i think he’d disown me. won’t even have to bring up my funky relationship with gender.#literally as soon as i start thinking i can be open with this man he pulls this shit and then asks why i’m slowly getting more distant.#like wow it’s almost like i’ve been regulated and raised according to what you want and not what i want.#and you wonder why my sisters (especially my oldest who has a lot of piercings & tattoos like i want) aren’t close either? isn’t that wild?#how we never got much of a chance to explore this without reprimand until we were moved out? even as legal adults?#absolutely WILD correlation there i wonder if the causation lines up here pa. what the fuck.#anyway i’m gonna go now and not cry because my roommates are home but i’m gonna go sulk because i’m sick of this ✌️#oh wait convenient that the showdog poem went up tonight too isn’t that crazy. man calls himself out so hard lol#grace being stupid#text post#personal
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I bet that if you found your person, you would radiate so much joy everyone around you would have to wear sunglasses! I hope it happens for you soon!
#another ask I’ve been holding on to for awhile 🥺🥺🥺🥺#I couldn’t find the right gif to express myself#I had a few options but this one works#cause seriously don’t mind me…… 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#just one of the sweetest things I’ve received#I really really hope I find my person soon#I’m not going to be delusional and say that I’m not going to have rainy days#but I just want them to be there to hold an umbrella for me until the sun comes back#I want to be *that* couple#ya know whenever you see them they just radiate love and happiness and sunshine#I always get so incredibly jealous of them#but I also think it gives me hope#my person is out there#just gotta wait until we cross paths#thank you so so much 😭😭😭#another reason why I wait to answer asks like these is cause I don’t feel like my tags do it justice#like this is SO CUTE#I want to have equally cute tags to go along with it#but sometimes these asks just make me speechless and I just go skndksnsksnskndksjs#🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺#thank you sweetie 🥰#ask#sweet asks#fav asks#anon
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my mom’s about to be the reason i off myself exactly a week before graduation if she keeps bitching about every little thing
#suicide mention#i’ve had it up to here with her bullshit. i’m so fucking sick of it. i just want to be able to relax for five god damn minutes. is that too#much to fucking ask for? huh? is it too fucking much? or does she just hate me for some stupid fucking reason?#i’m so fucking sick of how i get treated in this house. my sister is a little bitch to me for having her do the most basic shit such as#god damn basic hygiene. like to brush her hair or teeth or put on god damn deodorant. y’know. shit she shouldn’t need to be told.#shit that she has to be told every god damn day by both me and our mom. i’m so fucking stressed out over every fucking thing in existence#right now. and its supposed to be the easiest week for seniors. its supposed to be a dream but its turning out to be a fucking#nightmare. why does everything in my life that can go wrong end up going wrong. its so fucking stupid. i don’t even get a single moment of#peace anymore. constantly being yelled for or yelled at at home. being unable to fucking be myself in the place i’m supposed to#feel safe in. i literally have to fucking hide that i’m trans and go by a different name from my little sister#because my mom clearly can’t fucking handle her youngest knowing that her eldest is queer in more ways than one.#this entire post is all over the place and i don’t even have the ability to care right now. i’m just so god damn sick of everything. i need#a fucking break.
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Not me scrolling whump blogs constantly bc I’m desperate for a new brainrot show with whump
#y’all I’m watching so many things but nothing that’s giving me enough brainrot or fic so#and how am I supposed to get thru my days without that??#so anyways I’m trying to finish andor. might start killjoys#I never got into it when it was first on tv but im willing to give it another shot#I only have two seasons of mash left#and then I’m on off watching bones and republic of Doyle#there’s also magnum and 911 but bc those are weekly my brainrot hasnt kicked in enough#and yes. I should just finish tlou bc that is brainrot but. my brain can’t let me sooo we’re waiting another few weeks ig#big brain play here from Sarah is what I’m getting at#I’m just throwing shows at the wall and seeing what sticks whilst I try and clear out misc fic tabs on my phone#currently trying to also catch up with s3 stranger things fic so I can watch s4#don’t ask me why I do this to myself but this is the reason I’ve read 400 911 fics so we’re sticking with it
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Hey can someone who’s experienced jealousy tell me what it feels like? I’ve always wondered about it and I have trouble wrapping my head around that one
#ch.txt#i don’t tend to understand emotions in general but I’ve at least experienced most of the other ones at least once or twice#even if I can’t really remember or picture what they were like bc I have the emotional object permanenc of an actual rock#merely one of the uniquely impressive feats my autistic as hell brain is capable of#but jealousy seems like a weird one to me bc it’s like. only some people ever seem to get it?#but if I’m right I haven’t been able to identify what quality sets jealous people apart#like is there a specific personality prerequisite#i’d like to know so I can understand my cat Jazz better. he gets jealous of the other cats A LOT#can i tell you guys a thing#sometimes when ppl said good personal news I used to go ‘oooo I’m so jealous’ bc that just sorta seemed like the human thing to say#i stopped doing that after a couple friends gave me weird looks one time and it made me ask myself why the hell i did that#i think i automatically say a lot of things I don’t actually mean w/o thinking bc that just seems like it’s how humans ought to work#based on my observations of everyone who isn’t me anyway#which is annoying bc I’ve always been purposefully resistant to just doing shit bc it’s a social norm if it doesn’t have a good reason#12 y/o me would perhaps strangle current me#although I can think of a few things 12 y/o me hated and always thought I’d be above that I ended up not having a lotta choice in in the end#but that’s besides the point#i’ve been trying to undo that in myself lately#anyway that’s my malfunction can someone tell me about theirs#specifically involving jealousy
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logging back in just bc this is my only private diary
#random rant#tw for everything#god I think there is something deeply wrong with me worse than ever now I’m questioning my own self and worth and sometimes morals#I’m on a break from the guy I’m seeing#and I told a mutual friend about it#he’s the one who asked for the break even tho I don’t so that shit#deep down I kind of wanted it so why am I so wrecked over it#I hate airing my dirty laundry out to people uninvolved in said relationship#hate talking about trouble in paradise kind of shit but I told her the bad things he does to me#and I felt so guilty bc I got this weird intrusive thought#that as if im planning this sabotage tactic ? when I’m not all this isn’t my intention whatsoever#I just said the truth. and the thought was like ‘ok at least now I have established with a third party a reason if I need to abandon him in#the future’ what the fuck?? I’m not like this. I’m not apathetic I’m not using him why did I get that thought#he’s said some of the most horrible things I’ve ever heard fo me#ends up regretting it and says he didn’t mean it.#in reality I feel like I’m just trying to protect myself#I felt so pathetic having her listen to me tear up while talking#god put us on this earth to punish each other I’m having my Normal People arc#is this a form of self harm why do I do this to myself and to him too#I love him? I’m even thinking about relapsing into using and drinking but it’s not stemming from a coping need I just miss feeling carefree#and numb and momentarily happy almost#I only told him a few issues I have but not the bigger ones and I’m already feeling like as if he uses them against me in arguments#I want to get back into therapy but I can’t I have no access or resources this sucks ass#thinking of asking my pharmacist if I can get my antidepressants otc but I went off them bc the side effects were unbearable and I just#genuinely felt better for once as if I progressed but this is undoing so much of my hard hard work#and what’s funny he doesn’t even realise or see any of these things affecting me so horribly#I feel so insane I feel like a socio I want to be normal I want to be healthy I want to be happy and actually have it last#can’t sleep
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#my talk with lio was short but at least a little helpful#i had a bit of a talk with mary about it and i wasn’t exactly upfront abt the whole trans thing but it helped anyways#i kind of said like#i would transition if i had a guarantee that i’d pass and be pretty#but that’s not guaranteed so i’m not sure#but she said ‘how your perceived is ur biggest insecurity’ and like#yeah a little#i talked to her about like how it’s weird that like some people don’t hate themselves#she asked me why i hated myself and i couldn’t really think of an answer#i guess it’s that i’m not normal?#i’m stuck on medication i can’t handwrite i’m awkward and for some reason i want to be a girl#she asked me what made me so like#insecure#like if it was people making fun of me or something#and like i genuinely don’t know what made me like this#i’ve been genuinely insulted to my face one time#and that was when rory called me fat in yr 8 camp#and immediately after everyone around me defended me and he apologised right after#maybe the fact that i remember it so well is indicative that it affected me#genuinely why do i care so much about how i’m seen and perceived#why am i like thisssssss
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