#does anyone else have a similar experience?

[sloanesallow]

Sebastian Sallow Headcanons

So I've seen some of my moots do one of these and decided it was my turn, even if nobody asked. 🤣

These are all ideas that are present in stories I’ve already published, or ones that are forthcoming in Void. A lot of this is word-vomit LOL. I’ve credited anyone that I’ve been inspired by, but otherwise, similar head-canons to other creators are coincidental.

Disclaimer: My opinions are mine. They might also be yours! They might also be somebody else’s. Or not. That’s the fun thing about fandom. We can all have our own thoughts! Disagree? Cool! Just don’t be mean about it. :)

Sebastian is left-handed.

Actually, ambidextrous. So while it’s probably an error in-game, if you take Sebastian with you to Hogsmeade, in the Three-Broomsticks he stands up to defend you with his wand in his left hand. I’ve just decided to run with it and think his left is more dominant than his right, but he can use both.

Sebastian is on the spectrum.

Because I am on the spectrum, it’s hard not to write this nerdy little boy as somebody who obsesses over data and information. Sebastian is a numbers guy. Counts stuff in his head; keeps lists. Obsessive about his note-taking and will throw away a page if he thinks his penmanship isn’t perfect enough. I put in a previous post that he’d be the type to stare at a jar of jelly beans and know how many are inside with one glance.

Sebastian is very intelligent but oh so stupid (affectionately)

For some reason, the only comparison I can think of right now is a weird combination of Abed and Troy from Community. You know the friend that seems to always be in weird, preventable situations and says the most out-of-pocket things but will turn around and quote Shakespeare. He probably is the smartest person in the room but isn’t humble about it. Sebastian is book-smart and thinks he’s street-smart (insert John Mullaney here) but his life experience is actually quite limited. Yes, his parents died (and he may have witnessed it to some degree), but I do think he might have been sheltered in some capacity. Which brings me to my next point:

Sebastian’s feelings are intense, and sometimes misguided

Sebastian would benefit from therapy, no joke. He likely wasn’t given the space to process his parent’s death, so it’s no wonder he SPIRALS when Anne gets sick. His desperation comes from a place of fear, but his inability to cope leads to some very unfortunate circumstances. And yes, Sebastian can be deceptive and manipulative, but I don’t think he acts this way on purpose, but because he doesn’t know any better. He acts first, thinks later, and this can lead to tension in his friendships (MC/Ominis). It’s also why so many authors write him as somewhat possessive when pairing him romantically with MC (or anyone, really). I tend to write him as being disinterested in romance (too busy) until it smacks him in the face and he chases that high obsessively. However, I think it takes a long time for Sebastian to recognize what real, healthy love is.

Sebastian would never be an Auror

I’ll die on this hill. Sebastian would probably not ever want to work for the Ministry, and distrusts authority, even as he ages and matures. Regardless if you think he acted in self-defense or not, he still killed his uncle with an unforgivable. That’s scary. And dangerous. A kid knowing and practicing Dark Magic? Even if he never does it again, he wouldn’t risk his life by flaunting himself in front of the Ministry. Also, Solomon was an Auror. Now, I’ll admit I have him working with the Ministry in some capacity in my fics (curse breaker), but for the most part, he is a free agent and does what he wants (in true Sebastian fashion).

Pocket cookies

Always has some kind of snack in his pockets for emergencies. I’ve had this come up several times now in my fics (see below) and it’s a running joke. I just love the idea of him pulling out a cookie to offer somebody in their time of need.

Other little things:

Triple Scorpio??? I did this on accident when making a birthday (November 8 1873) for him and CoStar said based on my made-up birth chart he was Scorpio Sun/Moon/Ascending which according to my astrology babes, is uhhhhh insane.  

Allergic to lavender???? Don’t ask.

He's just a silly, goofy guy, okay?

[olderthannetfic]

I’m a cis woman who sometimes likes to roleplay as a boy in bed (he/him pronouns, binder & boxers, good boy talk, etc). Somebody I generally trust told me this means I’m trans, and… I don’t think so, but I’m not sure I really know how to describe it. Does anyone else have similar experiences? I feel a little crazy. I’m pretty sure it’s just a crossdressing kink, but I guess I’ve never heard about it from the opposite gender (female crossdressing vs man crossdressing)

--

Sure, lots of people like crossdressing and/or playing with gender.

[emshiftss]

Dreaming + Shifting

Shifting diary entry #8 !!! (and asking for help again…)

I’ve made posts before about what it means to dream and how that relates to your shifting journey, and here I am doing it again… (also I wish I’ve made more diary entries on here it’s kinda been a while, but I’ve doing A LOT of reflection in my personal shifting journal, maybe I’ll make some of them posts…?)

My whole life I’ve been a dreamer, before I even learned of shifting I lucid dreamt quite often. I would use dreaming as an escape from my life here. My dreams are often intense and vivid.

And they definitely were last night, I had so many dreams it was crazy. But to parts in particular stood out to me that made me want to make this post.

It was later in the night, I originally thought to lucid dream and shift that way instead of doing an awake method (because of something that happened earlier in the night that I’ll get to later)

I think I just forgot that I wanted to that and I didn’t end up saying affirmations as I went to sleep to help guide me into a lucid dream, instead I thought of my DR. And … I ended up having VERY vivid dream of my DR s/o. Like I don’t think I’ve had a more vivid dream related to my current DR.

(I don’t remember what was going on before this) I opened the door in the room I was in and there leaning on the wall was my s/o. Again so vivid so much more detail in this dream. I remember thinking that I felt my stomach drop when I saw him there 😭 I also thought “omg he’s so tall I need to script he’s not this tall” ??? Anyways I think we talked but I can’t remember, I just remember kissing him and us cuddling. I remember sitting in front of him with his arms around me. I think someone else from my DR interrupted us bc we had some place to go, and my sister from this reality did the same?

I remember feeling really sad when I woke up, but I just tried to feel better by reminding myself I can just be there for real 😭

Now for the part I REALLY wanted to talk about. The part that, if anyone reading can help me analyze, I would much appreciate it.

I was gonna do an awake method last night but decide I should sleep for a couple hours then do it. So I set the intention to wake up at like 4, I woke up at like 4 30 but I was waking up before this but just kept going back to sleep and anxiously waking up lol. Anyways I woke up and put on a guided meditation and went for it, but then a couple minutes in I just randomly remember this part of my dream that made me stop my meditation.

I can’t fully remember what was going on before this, but I was in some sort of library/book store and this lady asks me to tell her a cool fact. (?)I panicked and couldn’t think of anything. I can’t remember what happened between this moment and the next but it eventually led to us talking about shifting. She told me she’s an avid shifter, she’s been shifting since 2020. And she told me she’s 24 years old? I don’t know who this woman was, she’s certainly not anyone in my life and not like some shifting “influencer” I like or something? I remember her giving me shifting advice but I just can’t seem to remember what it was!?!? 😭 I remember her comforting me, and telling me stuff along the lines of “don’t worry it is inevitable that you will shift” though. Ugh, I wish I could remember. But this is why I decided to try and lucid dream instead.

But if anyone reading this wants to feel free to analyze this for me, idk what this means for me or my journey. If my subconscious mind keeps saying and doing stuff like this, why haven’t I shifted? What does this even mean for me?

I’ve had similar experiences in dreams, like this one time a couple weeks ago I was dreaming of Star Wars (odd bc I’ve never seen the movies) and I met two guys and I explained shifting to them and they were very curious about it. And I even remember thinking in that dream “should I tell them I shifted here?” (???)

Anyways I feel (slightly) sick to my stomach about the vivid dream I had of my s/o and idk what my other part means…

[kurthummeldeservesbetter]

the way there are so many parallels in arcane like this is insane cause so far I can think of:

Jinx-Vi/Viktor-Jayce: Codependency and it's destructions, with both not being able to move on (Vi not being able to let Powder go, Jayce unwilling to let Viktor die) and it's effects in turn (Attack on the council, Viktor becoming the herald) so it becomes codependency that has two ends; people who are able to learn to live without the other, and two people who cannot. Separation is how Jinx and Vi can both live, but separation is what causes Jayce's and Viktor's destructions.

Jinx-Vi: Healing and moving on. Both take extreme destructive paths at the idea of the loss: Jinx takes Silco as an adoptive father that only fuels her worst traits, and Vi is unable to let go of the idea of Powder. They try to kill the other because at this point, it's preventing them from healing, but neither can really go through with it. It takes the loss of another family member (new with Isha, old with Vander) for them to finally reconnect and heal, and move on.

Jinx-Viktor/Silco-Jayce: What "saving" a life that is almost gone (or gone, depending on if you believe Viktor did die in the explosion or he was close to death). Both Jayce and Silco take extreme measures (Shimmer, the Hexcore) to save their loved ones and it changes them permanently, as well as starting the path to destruction. (Both also remind their loved ones of their "perfection" in their last moments together.)

Mel-Viktor: Magic being "forced" upon them, with all it's benefits and dangers, it's lasting effects due to the choices by a loved one. For Mel, she is able to resist it's overwhelming capabilities, and take back her personhood, but Viktor is unable and is overwhelmed by the arcane and what it can do. Magic that can save vs Magic that can destroy.

Singed-Heimerdinger: Action vs Inaction: even joking that all of Singed actions cause all the problems in Arcane, it's not wrong. Singed never stops experimenting, changing, searching for all the answers, but Heimerdinger's inactions also cause all the problems; having lived more than anyone else on the council and doing nothing to help Zaun, refusing to offer explanations as to why the arcane is bad to Viktor and Jayce. Heimerdinger's inactions are just as destructive as Singed' actions.

Jinx-Viktor: genius that comes both unchecked by their loved ones (Silco not really caring about Jinx's death toll and destruction that follows her, Jayce ignoring the warning signs of the hexcore being destructive because it could save Viktor) which results in their own destruction, hallucinations (any of Jinx's, Sky for Viktor, just general being haunted by people who's death you caused). Letting go of their pasts/choices in order to save their loved ones (only difference being is that Jayce is given the choice to stay and he chooses to stay, Jinx does not give Vi that choice).

Silco-Vander: probably the most clear and spelled out by the show, "anything as undoing as a daughter". Is willing to give it all up to save their daughter(s). Is killed by their daughter(s) but still thinks of them with love in their last moments. Wanting what's best for Zaun (though Silco....makes interesting choices on that regard).

Ekko-Vi: willingness to let go of a loved one when presented with the choice. Ekko, despite getting to experience what is possibly the best world for him, makes the sacrifice to leave for the better of others very quickly. It takes Vi a longer time (respectfully because they are sisters) to let the idea of Powder go, and it takes the choice itself being taken away from her (Jinx's supposed death) for her to let go. (I fully believe had she been trust into a similar universe where everyone was alive and well she'd never leave, and I don't blame her).

Vi-Caitlyn/Viktor-Jayce: Pretty easy: A Zaun/Piltover pairing. Both almost instantly click and are sent through the ringer when it comes to action/emotion. Both have moments where one is ignorant (unintentionally in the 1st season) about the other's birthplace (Caitlyn being ignorant about enforcers, Jayce's comment on the bridge). The other partner in the "break up" head back to their birthplace and try for a new life. Both deeply love each other they aren't able to let go of the other; for Caitlyn, she's able to provide support in Vi's grief and is rewarded with never losing her again, and Jayce's love for Viktor is able to save the world and return his partner to him.

Mel-Caitlyn: Understandings of war/grief and destruction. Having grown up around war, Mel understands the need for peace more than anyone, and tries to make the decisions (even in grief of loss for her brother, and her anger at her mother) that will result in peace and the least amount of destruction, but since Caitlyn grew up well-guarded from violence and destruction, her grief consumes her and sets her on a path of violence and destruction. (Thankfully Cait is able to come back from this).

Viktor-Jayce: In the end, these two are are a braided bracelet of fate, no matter how you view their relationship. No one believed in them but each other. No one understands their choices, their wants, their desires and intelligence but each other. Because of this, as well as the two other main people they talk to continuing to support their destructive path (Mel for their whole ideals for Hextech, being their main driving force to continue creating and supporting Jayce in the council room, and Singed encouraging Viktor to keep testing on himself and go deeper "the mutation must survive" with a destructive path). Both come to learn of the damage their creations cause, a little too late, but are able to save the world just in time with joint sacrifice. Hell, both admit their main desire (world "peace", giving magic to the world) doesn't matter if the other isn't there with them.

[onahotrock]

it feels like my autism and bipolar mania kinda cancel each other out? Idk nonsense rant/vent under the cut

The wild thing about being autistic and bipolar (especially now that i know how to regulate myself and I’m off of Zoloft ) is that Mania is not wild chaos, it’s just enough energy to be fully functional. when I’m depressed having a social life, working, fulfilling hobbies, all take a backseat because I need all my energy just to care for my physical needs. Getting myself to eat enough becomes a full days task, so does showering, god forbid there’s anything I have to leave the house for

I guess I have some more in between time now (again only because I have learned to regulate and catch the symptoms better) but that’s like.. making me confront that i probably have higher support needs than I thought? When I want to do things, when I feel level and theoretically able to do everything I still can’t get it all done and I end up burning myself out trying.

A big part of it is also that I’m actually looking forward to having a future, which is pretty new for me and even When I get the impulses to self destruct or have a cheeky little bender it’s immediately followed by remembering that I won’t be able to do anything tomorrow if I have more than 2 drinks tonight. I have to keep going no matter what I put myself though, and especially while trying to unmask and stop preforming for others expectations of a functional adult, the dopamine rush just isn’t worth the recovery period. If I’m feeling really up there I’ll just say yes to last minute plans for once or go to the grocery store by myself.

I have to prioritize my mental and physical health all the time no matter how much my brain chemicals push me to throw it all away, and that’s like super hard, but also getting easier because I’m so aware of the consequences.

Anyway mood stabilizers make me feel like a zombie and so I guess I’ll just keep doing what I can when I can

[sketchiefoxie]

I think I’m actually she/they rather than she/her…

I dunno, I love being a female, and I wouldn’t change it, but I don’t always like being referred to as “she” or “her” or “girl”. Is that a thing? To love being a girl, and not always feeling like a she? Am I just loving being myself? Would that be considered half nonbinary, or genderfluid? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

I’d like some advice pls!!

[liquidstar]

Right this is going to sound weird but stay with me here. I have this OCD compulsion where the way I perform it will sometimes make me imagine people. Not real people but more like stereotypical faces or something. Like idk the way I just moved my hands made the image of a tough eastern european farm granny pop into my head, but the second time I did it more gentile and refined in a way that made me think of a sort of hollywood starlet diva type, or the third was so calculated I imagined a business man. I don't do this consciously they just pop into my head based on my movements idk

A while ago I fucked it up so bad that the image I saw was a detailed grotesque anthropomorphic fly face with old lady make-up and powdered wig. WHAT KIND OF PERSON IS THAT???? WHAT!!!!!

[kandicon]

*writes the same exact headcannons in slightly different scenarios over and over again*

[upsidedowngrass]

i will say one of my Biggest pet peeves in one fanworks is 'liam becomes the new airy.' like im sorry i respect u and ur interpretations and ur creative interests !!! im glad ppl have fun and have ideas about post canon one, theres a lot of potential there!!!! but also the moment that i see a work have liam do this i instantly stop paying attention

[marbearmarigold]

Every now and then I am forced to remember that when I was 14-15 I ran an Instagram Meme Page

That had around 2000 Followers

It was a different World over there and I was in the trenches running a wholesome meme account

How On Earth Did 2000 People Follow Me

[dandyshucks]

i think it is a little bit funny (not necessarily haha funny but like a "huh. thats something." sort of funny) that the two main F/Os of mine (Guz and Julian) both have abusive parents fnfkdl like ,,, idk i guess like attracts like but ough theres something about that that makes me feel a little bit "this probably says too much about me" dbdkdkl (also the mk system,, and one could make an argument for the celestial robots too tbh with how theyre treated at the company djdksl)

[batz]

-

[girls-and-honey]

forgot what it's like watching old irish movies in this family asfkgjskd

[unproduciblesmackdown]

why is reassurance about omnipresent omnipotent Love needed like. it's love(tm) has there not Been that assurance & affirmation all over the place all thee time. "but all the hate in the world...see what it does..." does that even mean "hate" or does that mean "people feeling entitled to a superior status ft. its intrinsically promised superior power" like re: the limitations of "hate crimes" meaning there's a need to "prove" "hate" in the "intent." where do we see Love as this guaranteed antithesis to a systemically granted entitlement to power to constrain someone's life. parents loving their children, And Yet. partners loving their partners And Yet. friends loving friends never stopped there from being disasters in how people are treated in that sphere. versus: people giving the most essential support to people they have no personal connection to, no direct connection to, no basis for having particular feelings about them one way or another beyond knowing they're also people in a vulnerable situation. people flourishing by themself. people learning how to relate to themself positively In Spite Of the Love they've experienced. how actions, interactions, relations are guided by principles that are not contingent on the affective, re: Feelings, but on externally evident contexts and patterns and consequences. what of it if you're Hated by someone whose ability to manifest that or not has no control over you still living your life b/c nobody's entitled to someone feeling a certain way towards them but someone feeling a certain way towards someone doesn't entitle them to enforcing a status of Less on them in any way either. why's something Internal have to be considered universal. why's anything have to be considered universal, as though if there's anything that doesn't apply to absolutely anyone then those outside that might be Less in some "legitimate" way. there's that: you're a person and they're a person, and who are you to consider yourself More of a person than them, and who are they to consider themself More of a person than you. "this too is Love" what if it isn't

is any idea of Love challenged by potentially Not subsuming more precise, nuanced, granular, complex, perhaps incongruous concepts into one vague assertion. what of recognition. acknowledgment. respect, care, intimacy, collaboration, accompaniment, without fundamentally necessitating particular emotions, status, even particulars of relationships. "relationships" in the sense of how does xyz affect abc & vice versa: relationality. "if you want or enjoy anything: love" how about everyone's experience of their interiority is their own. why is it important for you to believe a particular commonality must be at play. "if you don't believe in eternal torment of your damned soul what's stopping you from killing everyone rn" = "if you don't believe in Doing Bad Things Feels Bad what's stopping you from Doing Bad Things rn" = "if you're guided by the Good Feeling Love you'll be Doing Good Things" like, will you. when people instead attach any concept of Love to more fundamental concepts of respect for everyone else as equals to oneself and what actions and principles support others then it's like i mean yeah sure same diff in this case. when it's about how something that originates as a personal interior experience is a claim over any/everyone else's? whyme (rhymes with "rhyme"). versus anything that may be considered Universal being something that also does not necessarily stem from or is not contained within any particular self. universe is universal? everything affecting the existence of everything else? doesn't start or stop in any particular person's experience as themself, the way their thoughts and feelings can. i can't think of any of the like Concepts Ideals Principles Beliefs etc i would have that i'd describe as "love." and what of it. works fine for anyone who does so long as that Love is not something that must be Universally Human(tm) or where any willingness to consider some idea synonymous / overlapping / relevant does not just so happen to require "so you still really mean Love :)" like as though a christian universalist was still gonna have to always be telling people how jesus is everywhere & all good things are jesus, vice versa. like if you think everyone will be reconciled with christian god in the end then why do you need to push it. if everything is Love & Love is behind anything that helps anyone then what is there to convince oneself or anyone else of. what is there even to talk about. versus if i were to find/replace "love" with "politics" in that sentence & then in any instance there would be plenty to talk about lmao b/c it would have to do with any specifics about the situation & any events/actions/external matters that could be relevant. the actual Reality of your Real Feelings start & end with you even as they also play into how your existence affects others' existence. gotta believe everyone else is feeling Love? okay, that would still be their own business lol. & what if they weren't. say love is everywhere & that's the answer: well no it isn't b/c we can discern what goes on in the everywherelove world. so anyways: what could we do regardless? feeling more love is self-contained i.e. your personal business. what of any/everyone else. die cry hate. love loses. recognition regardless of the emotions happening. being loveless. being despised. those who go "so anyways"

[alstroemerian-dragon]

the tough thing about writing realistic narrative conflict is that. when there aren’t larger sweeping stakes, something like 80% of narrative conflict is predicated on miscommunication or the withholding of information, big or small. and as someone who is both fairly autistic and well trained in conflict resolution, my brain is screaming “WHY DO THEY NOT SIMPLY DISCUSS THINGS OPENLY!!!!!!”

its something im practicing but BOY its hard fkdhfjdhfjs. im having to go “okay what would i say in this situation. now. would this character actually admit that? no. fuck. okay how can i hint towards it without them straight up saying it”

[reidalert]

IT’S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY | spencer.reid

| spencer reid & fem!reader 3.1k words

| content: a case has you feeling helpless and guilty, and no matter who consoles you, nothing helps. maybe all you need is to take a break, but what if the break is being risky with dr. reid?

| warnings: mentions of death/kidnapping, flashback to the case, reader feeling vulnerable

| author’s note: i haven’t written in a longgg time and boy does it feel good to finally get these words out of my head. it feels like a privilege to get my writing spark back & i can’t wait to share all my ideas with you. i hope you enjoy reading <3

| masterlist

feedback and comments are highly appreciated!

You have thick skin.

Well, that’s what you say to anyone who asks if you’re okay.

But after today? After this case? You’re not sure if that’s true anymore. You don’t get affected easily, not when it comes to blood and gore. You’ve homed in on keeping your reactions and feelings at bay when it comes to that… but what happened out there? It’s made you feel helpless.

You knew from the minute JJ briefed you back at the BAU that this case was something you hadn’t dealt with before. Even Agent Hotchner had asked if you wanted to sit this one out.

But you said no. You wanted to get more experience to become a better profiler and a better agent. And it came at a cost.

You feel like an outsider. Like you’re watching yourself from an outside perspective as you go through airport security. The endless whir of machines and planes landing and taking off in the background do nothing for the thoughts racing in your mind.

You’re the last to be cleared and you know the others are watching you. Their eyes burning through your skin and doing what they do best. Profiling.

You don’t meet their gaze. You know as soon as you make eye contact with one of them, they’ll be asking you questions and it’ll make you torture yourself about whether you’re fit for this job. So, you make your way through the long and endless corridors until you’re at the gate for the jet.

The dull whirring of the jet engines helps you zone out. The leather seats are a cool comfort to your heated self.

Logically, it would make sense to let them know you’re not doing okay and that you need some time to yourself. But who are you kidding? You’re a thick skinned woman who can do anything… so you’ve made them believe.

You’re sitting on the farthest seat in the jet, right in the corner away from everyone else. You can’t deal with the questions you know they’re going to ask you.

But apparently, that doesn’t stop Agent Hotchner from taking the seat opposite you.

“I know what you’re gonna say.” You break the silence but continue staring out the oval window. The city lights below turn smaller and smaller as you progress through the flight.

“And what’s that?” Agent Hotchner asks. You’re not happy he’s here, invading your little self-pity bubble, but you do appreciate the way he keeps his voice quiet.

You shrug. “That something has upset me. Or that I’m too in my head about this case. Along those lines, anyway.”

Agent Hotchner regards you for a moment. You can feel his eyes staring at the side of your face as you purposefully stay looking out the window.

Because you know the second you make eye contact with him, he’ll see what’s going through your head. And he can’t.

“I gathered something was wrong.” His voice is low, a nice baritone that doesn't annoy you. “I know when someone in my team is different. And you’re different.”

You fight back the scoff that’s threatening to spill. “And what is that supposed to mean, Agent Hotchner?”

“Just…” he sighs. You’re very similar to Spencer Reid; in a way that you both struggle to admit when you need help. “If something is bothering you, I am here to listen.”

“Who says something is bothering me?” You kind of regret asking that question as you know damn well he’s about to go into an explanation of how he can see you’re upset.

He sits up a little straighter, hands clasped over his crossed knees. “You’re avoiding eye contact with me, your knuckles have turned white from how hard you’re gripping the arm rests—”

“That’s nothing—”

“You’re interrupting me. You don’t like being analysed as it makes you vulnerable. You haven’t eaten anything in the past,” Agent Hotchner checks his watch. “Six hours. Your stomach is warring against your emotions and you don’t like that. You’re sitting in a corner trying to push yourself away from other people.”

“Okay.” You bite out, now finally giving in to looking him dead in the eyes. “You’re a great profiler. No need to showboat.”

“I’m not showboating.”

You roll your eyes, “Sure seems like it.”

A minute or two pass in silence. Agent Hotchner is still staring at you and you feel incredibly small under his gaze. “What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t want you to say anything.” He fixes his shirt cuffs, acting so nonchalant as if he didn’t just profile one of his team members.

You grit your teeth. “Fine. Today messed with my head. That case was… it was wrong. So wrong that I can’t stop thinking about how I could have helped that family.”

Agent Hotchner leans forward, gently placing his hand upon your own on the arm rest. You feel your grip loosen and you fight back a grimace at how cold his hand feels against your warm one. “It’s not your fault. We all know we could have done something different out there, but sometimes the unsub takes a surprise route. Things like this happen and it’s unfortunate, but don’t blame yourself.”

You shrug again, avoiding eye contact once again. “Yeah.”

He stands, pulling his suit jacket to fit more comfortably. “If you need to talk to someone, come to my office.”

You only offer a silent nod in answer.

“Oh, and Agent L/N? Stop calling me Agent Hotchner, Hotch is just fine.” He offers a small smile and you shake your head, going back to staring out the window until your eyes feel too heavy to keep open.

“Why is there so much paperwork?” Your voice comes out all agitated as you rifle through a stupid amount of folders and loose paper.

Emily peeks over the cubicle dividing and raises an eyebrow. “You okay there?”

You sigh, slumping down onto your desk chair, spinning until you’re facing her side of the cubicle. “Do I sound okay to you? Who in their right mind decided to give me the goddamn paperwork for that goddamned case?” You glance around the wide room, trying to find JJ; this has to be her doing.

Emily purses her lips, “Doing paperwork isn’t that bad, Y/N. I mean, I guess there’s a lot but it’ll make the day go by quicker.”

“Oh, please.” You scoff, feeling yourself grow more annoyed by the minute. You know you need to get yourself in check, but the past 24 hours have ridden you like the Grim Reaper is taking jockey lessons in Hell.

“What’s got Little Miss Thick Skin so angry today?” Derek Morgan walks up to your desk, a hot mug of coffee in his hand. A brief thought had you biting your lip— it’d be wrong to spill it on him.

“Don’t start, please.” You rest your elbows on your desk, hands holding either side of your face as you stare at the paperwork. The names of the family you couldn’t save stare right back at you. Your stomach drops and you’re not sure how long you can stay in this office.

“Hey,” Derek places his mug on your desk before crouching down to your eye level. “What’s wrong, girl? If you don’t want to do the paperwork, I can take it off your hands. No big deal.”

You shake your head, “Don’t bother. I’m fine.”

Derek watches your face and you turn your head to look at him. “If you start profiling me, Morgan, I swear to God that coffee mug will end up in a place you really don’t want it.”

Derek chuckles and raises his hands in mock surrender. “Okay, girl. Just tryna help ya out.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t need help. I’m fine.” You scoot your desk chair closer and grab the closest pen, tapping it against the top of your desk to distract you from the fact you have to relive this case just a day later.

You don’t catch it, but Derek and Emily share a knowing look. They’ve seen this before. It’s not hard to notice someone you spend days on end with is struggling.

Derek grabs his mug and pats you on the shoulder. Emily sinks back into her cubicle and makes sure to keep an eye on during the day. If she finds you with smoke coming out of your ears, she’ll go get the fire extinguisher.

Your hand cramps as you write your final notes. The computer screen has turned too bright for your eyes and a headache begins to form behind your eyes. It’s been a long day.

Clicking the pen closed, you lean back against your chair with a deep sigh. You close your eyes just to rest them for a brief moment and scenes from yesterday plague you.

It’s like you can’t escape.

Your heart rate picks up speed. You’re not sure how it turned into a game of cat and mouse, but you’re adamant on putting a stop to it.

“What does he think he’s doing?” You’re standing with your palms pressed against a conference table in a police station in Washington. The projector casts a live shot of the news— a helicopter is chasing after the unsub in a car. The family you’re trying to protect is with him.

“He’s trying to flee.” Agent Rossi says, so matter of factly that it has you turning your attention to him instead.

You squint at him. “You saw this coming, didn’t you?”

He gestures to the screen. “You didn’t?”

“No, I did not.” You grit your teeth, moving so you’re now standing up straight. “I predicted he’d do something out of the blue. We all did. But we didn’t know he was going to kidnap them. That wasn’t part of his game.”

Rossi shrugs, “I’ve been in this job longer than you have, kiddo. It takes experience to know something like this. Don’t blame yourself.”

“What?” You let out a disbelieving scoff. “Listen here old man—”

“That’s enough.” Agent Hotchner cuts through your words, ending your little spat with Rossi. “We’re all here to do a job. So let’s do it.”

Faint footsteps sound behind you. You’re not sure who’s still in the office, but considering how late it is, there’s only a few people that come to mind.

“Hey, what are you doing here so late?” That all too recognisable voice makes your heart swoop. Spencer appears in your line of vision, his man-bag crossed over his torso. He looks ready to leave. “It’s nearly 7PM.”

“Oh.” You glance at the clock mounted on the wall. You didn’t realise that you were doing the paperwork for the Washington case for nearly 10 hours. “Guess I lost track of time.”

Spencer regards you for a minute. “Everything okay?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah. I’m fine.” You offer a weak smile, not trying to be bitchy to him like you were to the others earlier. You make a mental note to apologise to them tomorrow.

“It’s just— nevermind.” He shakes his head.

Your brows furrow, “No, what is it?”

“Ever since we got on that plane yesterday, you’ve been hostile.” Spencer rocks back and forth on his heels. “I know you don’t like to be profiled, I don’t either, but I know something is wrong.”

You twist in your chair, facing your computer screen with your hands hovering over the keyboard. You don’t want to talk about it, you just want to figure it out on your own.

“Y/N?” Spencer says your name and you look at him over your shoulder. His eyes all sparkly, his cheeks smooth, his lips… perfect.

You blink slowly. Your head isn’t in the right place, but your heart (and hormones) are.

You internally say fuck it and reach for the strap of his man-bag to pull him down to your level. Your breaths mingle and your eyes dart in a triangle from one eye to his lips to his other eye. And lo and behold, the triangle method actually works because Spencer leans in and you feel his lips ghost over your own.

And nothing.

He just stays in that position. Hunched down in your grip, lips mere millimetres away from your own and he doesn’t finish the job.

You breathe in a deep sigh, your senses being filled with his scent. “Why aren’t you kissing me?”

“I— I think it’s because I know you’re not yourself. It feels wrong.” Spencer's breath is minty as it fans over your cheeks and neck. You want to say something snarky, but you know he’s right. “I do want to kiss you, though. I’ve wanted to kiss you for a while now.”

You lean back a little, your eyes staring into his pretty brown ones. You don’t see a sign of a lie and your heart skips a beat. “Would it help if I admitted what’s going on? Would you kiss me then?” God, are you really that desperate to get kissed by Spencer Reid? Yes. Yes you are.

Spencer lowers into a crouch, one hand grips the armrest of your desk chair, whilst the other splays across your knee with a gentle squeeze. “If it helps you, then it’ll help me. Talk to me. Let me inside your pretty head.”

You reach out for his tie, fiddling with it to help your nerves. “You know I don’t like talking about how I feel, but this is something I can’t keep to myself anymore.”

Spencer nods, his hand on your knee giving you another squeeze. But this time in a reassuring way. That’s your go ahead sign to lay it all down.

“That case we did. The family where we couldn’t save them, where I couldn’t save them, keeps replaying in my head and I don’t know what to do to stop it.” You take a breath, your fingers still playing with his tie. “If we got there sooner, I know we could have stopped him from hurting them. From killing them. I feel like if I did or said something right or helpful, I could’ve saved them. I hate feeling like this because I know it isn’t my fault, but I just can’t help but feel guilty.”

Spencer stays quiet, letting your words sink in. “You’re right, it isn’t your fault.”

You sigh, dropping his tie and moving your attention to his face. To his lips.

“I wish I could go back in time and help.” You admit, feeling a small weight lift from your shoulders.

“I wish for that, too.” Spencer admits as well. Both of you find comfort in knowing you feel the same. It makes feeling like this just the little bit easier to deal with. “Thank you for sharing how you feel.”

You let out a small laugh. “Thank you for not dismissing me.”

“I could never dismiss you.” Spencer’s voice is soft and warm. His fingers slowly trail up and down your calf, sending a shiver through your body. “Would you like that kiss now?” The smirk on his lips has your stomach flipping and you want nothing more than for his lips to be on yours.

“I would very much like that kiss now.” You smile at him, leaning in and already feeling your body succumb to him. When your lips meet, you sigh. You’ve missed being able to be physical with him; it’s hard trying to stay colleagues when all you want is to be wrapped up in his arms.

Spencer lets his hands travel— up your thighs, round your back, cheekily up the hem of your dress. You moan lightly into his mouth and he swallows it.

Your hands grab for his collar to deepen the kiss. “More.” You mumble against his lips and he complies. Spencer bites your bottom lip to elicit a gasp from you so he can dive his tongue down your throat with ease.

You feel yourself involuntarily squeezing your thighs to quell the ache forming between your legs. God, you’d do anything to take him home with you right now.

Before you get a chance to start undoing his tie, a loud and clear cough comes from your right.

You stop moving but Spencer keeps going. Trailing open mouthed kisses along your jaw and down your neck, you now get a perfect view of Hotch standing outside his office with his arms crossed. You can’t make out what his face is portraying.

“Spence.” You tug on his collar, but he thinks you want him to go further. You feel his tongue lick a stripe up the column of your neck and you have to fight back a whimper.

You’d die on the spot if you let Aaron Hotchner hear you moaning.

“No. Spencer.” This time you push at his shoulders and the look he gives you makes you feel bad. But if you let him carry on, both of you would never be able to be in Hotch’s presence. Ever.

“Are you okay?” Spencer brushes a stray piece of hair behind your ear. “Did I do something you didn’t like?”

You shake your head, your fingers quickly straightening out Spencer's tie. “I loved it. You were good, but, um…” your eyes drift off to where Hotch is still standing.

It’s as if Spencer was zapped by lightning. He shoots back away from you, and somehow manages to hit every piece of furniture around him. You want to laugh but this situation doesn’t call for laughing. You’ve been caught by your boss making out in the middle of the BAU.

“Reid, L/N. Care to explain?” Hotch moves slowly down the stairs, his aura too strong for you to look him in the eyes right now.

You twiddle your thumbs. “He was just helping me finish this file report from the case yesterday.”

Hotch looks at Spencer, knowing that he’ll blab the truth. “She was upset about not being able to save them and I wanted to help ease her pain and—”

“That’s enough.” Hotch raises a hand. “Since it’s past working hours, I’ll make a one time allowance for this behaviour.”

You have a big sigh of relief and Spencer lets out an audible groan of embarrassment. “Sorry, sir. It won’t happen again.”

“You’re right. It won’t.” Hotch checks his watch and frowns. “I’m late for something. Finish that report and I’ll see you both tomorrow. Behaving correctly.”

You nod your head and Spencer keeps his head down staring at the floor. You watch Hotch leave the office and you finally let out your cringing grimace. “I am so sorry. I didn’t know he was here. I thought he left already.”

“I can’t be mad. I got to kiss the prettiest girl in here.”

“Shut up.”

Copyright credit to @reidalert as of 2024-present.