#do i wait until 25?
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#dude like i want to transition so goddamn bad#my hair is finally short#i gotta start voice training to go deeper and look into top surgery#i want this so terribly bad#i just don't know how much it'll uproot everything#do i wait until 25?#i hate my body but not in a self conscious kinda way#more like i seriously hate my birth gender kinda way#i hate being looked at and everyone thinking woman. fuck off with that garbage#i do not exist to create children. piss off with that too#i just want to embrace masculinity? like Fully#but i really cannot understate how intense and deep this hatred is. like when i'm in a funk it's all i think about#i hate being associated with being feminine#future looks uncertain and it terrifies the absolute shit out of me
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my baldur's gate 3 vinyl has arrived!!!!!! 🖤💜
#baldur’s gate 3#bg3#baldur's gate 3 vinyl#*#astarion#karlach#gale of waterdeep#shadowheart#wyll ravengard#lae'zel#i love ittt!!#i really do love this game and its soundtrack#i cant wait until i get the limited editon ver tooooooo!!!#theyve made a cassette ver that comes with pins .. like is that too much???? its €50 and its €12.50 shipping 🪦#you can get the pins alone for €25#still gonna be annoying they flipped karlach ><#they made an owlbear scratch tshirt id rather have a hoodie
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I unfortunately picked up Bravely Default 2 again (I bought it back when it released) and then started over since I last played it in June 2021. And. You know what. I like these silly beans. And then I saw concept art for Dag's expressions and I am not the same. Why did they decide to give him huge fangs in it.
(also I'm trying so hard to avoid spoilers less for plot but more for characters so if you know anything that happens to characters shhhhh. also the expression concept is below the read more so you can see what I mean.)
#bravely default 2#dag rampage#selene noetic#i only just recently reached ch2 in the game and i may have a problem#someone was like wait how have you not gotten farther in 25 hours#and im like im sorry its a problem i have an obsession you dont understand#and then he found out i had three of the four party members with two jobs capped at 12#and then the fourth only had one capped but a bunch high up#and then i told him i was trying to get the gambler asterisk and that meant i had to play a childrens card game#and then i had to do side quests when they popped up#and he was like wait at that point you probably dont need jobs at 12 omg#and im like i know its a problem i cant stop it#so anyway chapter 1 took me forever because i committed to the grind too much#the emotions i feel for silly lil side characters ................ its too real#like even the fact that you beat these two up in the prologue im like teehee funny lil blonde guy#then you dont interact with them in a ch1 quest but they show up again at the same time doing the same quest#and guys i am FEELING EMOTIONS theyre just funny lil mercenaries doin funny lil mercenary things#also please do not tell me anything about the game past ch1 because i want to continue to enjoy experiencing it#which is why i have my ask box closed bc its a game from 2021 and i know im really behind the times#but i managed to not know anything until now and i wanna keep it that way#also i dont really know how to properly draw noses especially when i doodle#but his nose is important and i already struggle with his big jaw so i had to include it somehow#and in the concept art it looks like he has a lil stubble but in game i dont see it so im like ... squinting at he
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How I imagine myself (aka want to be)
Vent in the tags (sorry in advance)
#Honestly almost cried while sketching this#I feel so stupid#Like why did I agree to wait until i'm 25 to transition#Oh wait I know#Because I love my parents to much and they only really support me if I a) am 25 or b) my mental health is really really bad#Also it's that part of my mind that's doubting everything. That it's just a phase. That i'm not actually transmasc#Also the psychologist I used to go to supported the idea to wait till 25 and was talking about some whos she knew#And how that girl wanted to be a boy but she got a boyfriend and she didn't want to anymore#Or that boy who wanted to be a girl but later found his identity and was secure in his agab#And she kept saying/asking; “Would you be able to accept to be just a manly woman??” And similar questions#And I know it's stupid but because of it I just keep questioning myself over and over#Because now i'm especially scared it's something I grow out off#But I just want to look in a mirror and be happy#And while I do like my clothing. I want other stuff but I feel goddam dysphoric in that#Only things I can change about me is piercings and my hair but even that is something my parents aren't really keen of#Atleast the length is something they are okay with but if it's kinda more a “”man's style“” and I hear only “oh my god it's so manly"#Honestly I just hate that i'm to scared to do anything about it#All the while I suffer#cause I just cant get out of the house without a binder. Always checking how my profile looks like. Crying when its not how I want it to be#Or almost crying when my mom says “that size is better for a girl like you because other wise it looks boyish” even when I confided in her#transmasc#transgender#trans artwork#Trans#Artists on tumbr#Lgbt#my art <3#my own post
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#currently on the worst road trip of my whole entire life! well. i don't want to jinx it lmao but#today i popped TWO TIRES at once in the middle of the Katy Freeway in Houston TX (the widest highway in the US; 26 lanes btw)#managed to make it over to the shoulder without DYING but then had to sit there for like an hour? and panic called a tow truck because duh#I know how to change a tire but I was – again – sitting on the shoulder of the widest freeway on the continent so#anyway I called a tow; a guy showed up. I assumed it was the tow! turned out it was not. but he helped me put on the spare and then was lik#“follow me to my shop I can do the tires for you” and I was like okay! 👍 but then the ACTUAL tow called me and I realized this was#just a random guy (very nice up to that point but then I got scared about following him to a secondary location?) and so I didn't lmao#I just kept driving and didn't follow him but the guy on the phone was then mad at me because I wasn't where I said I would be because#AGAIN – I thought the original guy WAS the tow company that I called? but anyway guy 2 on the phone was like “YOU OWE ME $200!!!!”#and I said for what? also how would I pay you? and he tried to get me to cash app him lmao?? I didn't. I hung up on him#he called me like 6 more times yelling at me until I finally just blocked his number 💀#however NOW at this point I'm driving on one spare tire and one rapidly-flattening second tire and I still have 3 hours left to get where#I was going for the night and to top it all off I'm in the middle of a city I've only been to one time before? so I manage to get to a hote#like a nice-ish one where I'm like “okay if I get stuck here this won't be the end of the world”#because keep in mind today is a national holiday so basically everything is closed!!!! btw!!!!!#but eventually I'm sitting there and it's literally 100F outside and I remember oh right lol I have car insurance which pays for a tow#(a normal one; not a random one I panic-found on google who calls me screaming at me to cash app him $200)#so anyway I call my insurance and the guy on the phone is very nice and is like “it's okay; we'll have someone to you in 45 min”#and I'm like okay. OKAY. 🙌💪 I am a strong independent woman who is figuring this out and no longer on the side of the highway#but instead in a nice calm neighborhood and all I have to do is wait 45 min and everything will be okay#one hour goes by. I call back. get redirected to the tow company that was dispatched. guy says oh! is my guy not there yet?#I say no. he says okay – I'll have him call you. hangs up.#okay. 20 more min go by. guy finally calls me. says “I'm 20-25 min away” at this point I've been waiting about an hour and a half#I say. okay? okay. 30 more minutes go by. I try to call the guy back. straight to voicemail. three more calls. three more no answers.#I call my insurance back. sit on hold for 15 min. eventually get put through to a different person who's like “okay let me check on him”#get put on hold. eventually she comes back and says “okay he says 15 minutes” I've been waiting over 2 hours at this point. I have to PEE#I just... burst into tears. on the phone with this poor random woman from Geico Insurance. I'm bawling my eyes out.#she was trying to get claim info from me but I'm crying so hard she's like “oh baby no. okay. okay. we can get that from you tomorrow.”#when you cry so hard that even the insurance company is like “you know what we're just going to let this one slide”#anyway guy eventually shows up. he's very nice even though I hate him a little for being so late. he drives me to an OPEN TIRE SHOP
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ngl having bad brain times. Can you ever physically FEEL the lack of the get things done chemical
#the advice for depression is to do the things that you used to enjoy and wait for them to help again#it's good advice and it does work to an extent but listen#i don't choose when i find things enjoyable i fixate on a topic and everything becomes enjoyable again#it's not like doing hobbies or reading or cleaning or eating meals helps THAT much#it just keeps me busy and sane and makes my body keep working until i get some good brain chemical shipped in#then I'll remember everything i've been putting off but at least i'll be relatively functional at that point#it's not that all the depression tips are useless. i'd be much worse if i didn't do any of them#as it is i've made it over 25 years without even developing a nicotine addiction or a crippling dependence on alcohol#my joints are even still fine mostly and i can tell when to get out of a situation so i can keep living#now i even know when i want to be around someone and when i don't!#i'm basically great at existing i've studied with the masters#still.
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Bit of a dramatic jump in sneezes for what reason I have no idea, as usual lol
#not complaining#i've been sneezing without the punishing aspects of it like miserable congestion so fingers crossed it stays that way lol#June still hasn't broken 25 sneezes in a day yet though!#this little project seems to point to me sneezing much more over winter months (without illness)#can't wait until i have an entire year's worth of data#and you know what i'll probably keep doing it because it feels habitual now#nttalks
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OOC: hey where did you all come from
#this blog having more followers than my main is CRAZY#should I do something for 25 followers or wait until 50???#can you tell ive never run a rp blog before HUEAUFJKDS
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#personal#it feels like im not allowed to complain about my own life on my own blog#or at least that if im allowed to that it seems very firstworld problem very selfish very not appropriate with all thats going on#that people will and do think less of me for expressing my own sadness and frustrations because theres no way it compares#to a lot of peoples very big and very real problems#but im so fucking sick of being poor and small. all ive had to eat today is 2min noodles roughly 10 hours ago#and all ill get tomorrow is a bowl of 2min noodles but ittl be another 15 or so hours until its the most reasonable to eat that#thats the real girlmath and then thats the last of my noodles. that leaves me with one (1) small tin of tuna#which might end up being tonights intermediary food if i really cant wait 15 nore hours for my next noodles but is supposed to be#the one meal of the day after tomorrow. so if i eat it too soon then i have even more time that i just dont fucking eat#im so sick to death of being in this position. like its literally killing me and theres fuck all i can do to make it better#ive tried. and i try and i try and i try but i can never afford anything#my landagent keeps sending me textx asking when theyll see a patment for my $50 water bill#i have to stop myself from texting back every time. youll see payment when im not spending literally 75% of my pay on rent alone#when i can afford to buy food and bills at the same time. whn i dont feel like kms-ing would be better than paying you my rent every frtnite#i crave a burger so bad i cant make myself do any tasks. i cant start or continue any crafts or chores because all im thinking about#is a burger like a blorbo rotating in my mind alongside the background noise that i wont get a burger and will only get noodles but not for#hours. a whole days worth of hours almost#my shitawful roomate is back and i have to play nice but he gives me the same feelings my abusive mother did. im scared to leave my room#in the safeplace house ive spent the last two years building for myself. this feels awful. things were all going so right and now#all of a sudden theyre all going as wrong as possible and im struggling so much. with no one to help. no one cares enough to help#the few people i do have are wrapped up in their own lives. which i get. but it doesnt take away the hurt of dealing with it all alone again#lot of momma trauma coming up with the end of eclipse season and i thought i was handling it. now i just feel fucking awful all the time#like ik healing isnt linear but the roomate triggers so hard things i thought i had processed and was on top of#would a burger fix that? no but itd atleast give me something to emotionally lean on for strength though it. but all ive got is noodles#24 hour apart one meal per day noodles. and tomorrow is my last pack. my only solace lately is that ive been invited to my first ever rave#or my first real rave anyway ive only been to one other 'edm event' that was not really a rave of any scale it was like 25 people#but its a halloween rave so im hoping for spooky fun dancetimes at least theres that. im out of data and spotifyprem so i havent been able#to take my silly little mental health walks bc theres zero chance im doing that without music and so itll be noce to get outside fr the rave#anyway. im doing very poorly i appreciate you few who reached out while i wasnt active but i expect ill continue to do poorly for some time
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bruh for real im just sitting here trying to listen to my audiobook and it sounds like my upstairs neighbor is moving furniture. hour after hour, i dont even understand WHAT they're doing that makes that noise. and why do they have to do that everyday??? going insane post #9191818818181992
#also... i am mad at them#bc i've lived her for 25 years#and since it's a student housing area ppl move in and out all the time#i've had at least 20 different neighbors in the apartments around me#i have NEVER been this bothered by any of them#i have NEVER heard any of the others' footsteps or opening and closing doors etc etc#it's bc these ppl (students) barely have any furniture and belongings#ing combinagion with being heavy footed/heavy handed. they dont walk they stomp. they dont close they slam#so i actually do get to be angry abt it stfu#the noise they generate is completely unecessary and it only happens bc theyre inconsiderate#and it is driving me iiiiiiiinsane weweewwowoowoeoowoeoeoowowooeowoowowowoowowowowoowoeowoowow#and sorry but i'll prob keep complaining abt this until the day i move away from this shithole#im on several waiting lists but it is HARD to get apartments these days#like... society is collapsing and there are barely any housing etc. idk how i'll get away from here but#i'll either move away or move into a prison we'll see :p
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I feel so frustrated abt math, but not because I’m not getting it but because I am. I’m getting it and I’m having fun.. but because I don’t have long enough on the tests it’s not gonna reflect well
#class is an hour 25 we only get 45 mins on the test#it’s closed note and my main thing is I have to like write down all my multiples because I can’t see it in my mind#I have dyscalulia and aphantasia (spelled both wrong who cares)#I can’t do mental math and I just can’t remember#im trying to get accommodations but I have to wait until next semester
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i really want to be more active...pretty much everywhere and in many ways but the heat is making me feel really weak
#and here i was wanting a job while i feel dizzy over 20°C and faint over 25°C#probably wouldve been fired early on for being that sensitive to heat#i cant even take art comissions to at least have a little more than what i have in cash but my pc overheats and#shuts off in 30 minutes so thats not an option either#although what hurts the most is that i can barely get myself to do anything#i cant do my hobbies i cant do any chores i cant do any little tasks i cant do anything#i guess thats what i get for living in a 50 year old house where my room is positioned for the sun to shine directly in and for no wind to#blow thru and get the stale air out#i guess i just have to wait until october to live#if i even make it there that is
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The only bad thing about the library is getting time off feels like it's a little more complicated because Im salaried and I have to get the same amount of hours every month
#i get five hours of pto a month and i need 25 to cover a full week#now i DO have some wiggle room with just switching shifts around bc im part time but it has to get approved by both of my bosses#i already switched some time around in August for that short film im gonna be on but#i wanna make plans to see my fiancé sometime soon too 😔#idk if i have to wait until i have the pto to cover it or if i can plan on the pto i will have accured in the intervening months
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I am sorry. I have so much work, and I am very pregnant so I just don't have time to respond to stuff on here as much (or draw, really.) Hoping I can get into a schedule soon which allows me to paint and chat more :(
#i have so little free time#i worked 12 hours today#im just tired#technically i could have been painting the last 2 hours of relaxation#but tbh i am falling asleep#i think it will calm down soon tho#ill do work work in the morning do a class then hopefully have enough left in me for cooking chores and painting/chatting#whew#idk how im going to do this with a kid#trying.... not to think about that actually#wait. no.#frustrating thing: there's no preschool around here for us#preschool in our area is only available if your family is extremely impoverished#there are for-profit daycares and they cost about $2000-$4000 a month#girl i cannot swing that lmao#sigh#i hate being in the US#everybody wants you to have kids but no one wants to do anything with them#like be fr rn no one has the fucking money for $2500/month childcare#im glad people way under the poverty line have good school opportunities but also.. why#the school mentioned many times that they can barely afford to stay open#man#so many people call them and are willing to pay#i understand why they must prioritize people that cant or theyd get pushed out#but theres obviously 1) not enough funding for that school 2) a real threat to lower income families to be able to get in if higher income#families decide to elbow them out and 3) not enough schools here#they are building another preschool which will be available to families who work at certain local businesses#but lmao.... get this... there are only 20 spots available for their preschool. 20. girl what. and it costs $2k/month.#my mom called me the other day after i texted about all this and said she could watch our kid. for $25/hour#feeling a bit cornered here. it's going to be a long 5 or 6 years until kindergarten
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Sorry to be depressing on main but holy shit, this is the bad place. England is the fucking bad place right now what the fuck.
#ahahaahha#GET ME OUT OF HERE#I am a wreck I cannot keep doing this what the fuck#if I have to wait until 25…#things will not be good!#please love and support your trans friends#especially right now#trans rights uk
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I am happy because everyone loves me ^.^
#havent done one of these since my last blog I think#Hello future me !! This was queued on nov 20#how are you doing? I'm doing rlly well rn#im reading berserk- just got to v2 of the deluxe editions#so actually volume 4 haha#I assume youve finished v2 by now- did you decide to read it online or wait until you can buy v3?#im also woeking on the ishawuu turning animation#im debating if I should reanimate it to have smaller lines and better animation#I feel like its too fast in the turn and not visually interesting enough#idk idk have you figured it out?#but besides that im rlly happy ^.^#some of my mutuals/friends talked to me today ^.^ both of them were ones I dont rlly talk with much#we mostly interact with likes n stuff#but they were both super nice !! im so happy to have such wonderful people around me#how have the japanese lessons been going? you should have had 8? classes by the time you read this#i jist learned za ji zu ze zo#I assume uve learned more hiranaga by now. how many?#including the ones w/ tenten I know 25 !!#ehmmmm. what else can I talk abt#I cant think of much else to sayyyy#well. I hope ur doing well !!!! have a good day ^.^#Actuay im back like 30 minutes later lolll#I just read my old weather updates from wayyyy backon catsnraincoats#it was rlly interesting seeing what I wrote abt#I would always say the last drawing I had done bcs that was the best way of knowinf what was going on at the time#other than the ishawuu animation my last drawing was the misa comm#have you gotteb more commissions yet?#my old reports had such a strange air to them. I would always wish future me luck and safety. I wish you luck! and stay#safe**#weather report
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