#do i even rlly have adhd??
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does anyone ever feel that they’re like. too neurodivergent to fit into normal society but not neurodivergent enough to relate to other neurodivergent people or is that just me
#neurodivergent#adhd#autism#this post is actually ab adhd#i just saw a post that was like “ive tried everything#and i went. oh wait#do i even rlly have adhd??#i have attention problems#i have trouble reading social cues#but i dont hyperfixtate so heavily anymore and i dont struggle academically besides remembering to study and do homework#but you wouldn’t think i have adhd -ppl assume im just slow or weird because i dont visibly struggle and im not hyperactive at all#i feel so normal yet so strange compared to everyone else#im formally diagnosed with adhd but i feel like im not adhd enough for my struggles to matter#i hate talking about this because it feels like such a pity party#ohhhh woe is meeee my neurodivergence is manageable so i feel left out ohhhh the agonyyy ohhh#just some thoughts
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first time drawing Sheila E actually idk y I have never drawn her she looks so kewl
#My nanny’s oldest alive dog is named Sheila. Sheilita my beloved. She’s. Like. A mutt. But she seems to be a Pomeranian mix. :3.#Actually is she a nanny we didn’t pay her for babysitting me#Whatever we call her grandma (even tho all my grandparents r alive)#Anyway Sheila e looks rlly kewl as I said#Imma be honest I never read phf… or at least entirely#I skipped the middle of it bc it was too long for me 😭#To be fair I do have huge adhd symptoms and it’s actually concerning… BUT I guess I’m also not the most motivated person on earth#I did watch a few summaries on yt (I rlly liked one that was in Spanish idr who made the vid but very good) so I am informed and ik stuff#But not the details or the characters firsthand u know#Anyway#this for the sheilaers I hope y’all have a good night 😼‼️#My birthday is tomorrow. I’m so cooked.#sheila e#jjba#jojo no kimyou na bouken#Phf#purple haze feedback#Doodle#whiteboard fox
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(//i don't normally do text but cw in the tags erm. i went a little off track)
#inanimate insanity#ii#ii lightbulb#daily lightbulb#scribbly bulb#god. ohh my god. im not doing so hot yall#once again i apologize for suddenly halting on posting; ive had a couple rough days recently and it's constantly crashed my motivation to#even QUEUE SCREENSHOTS. my mental health has been so messed up too and i just had to take a step back#for starters. happy birthday to my baby sister that was born yesterday. like legit. im a big sister now#it's hard getting used to it; i was never good with change#secondly; like in the 100 post i've gained a new fixation thats unfortunately pushed ii to the side#i have adhd and autism so its hard for me to keep up with such a daily routine that includes a media i may end up losing interest in#i LOVE lightbulb and i LOVE ii i just.....need a bit#thirdly; i actually havent seen inside out 2 yet. might end up watching it this week or next week though which will be fun#while waiting in the hospital inside out was playing on the room tv so i wanted to draw smth to get my thoughts out#inside out is one of my favorite. modern? disney movies. rlly means a lot to me.#sorry for ranting i shouldnt dump all my life problems on yall LMAO you just wanna see lb pics#anyways posting will try and resume! cant afford to slack off with ii 15 being so close#if anyone is reading this ty sm for liking my silly blog and i hope you have a good day/night#102
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dont have to give myself a new mental disorder but many many ocd things ring true lol
#not even the moral ocd stuff rlly like when im not online. i do not have a problem w it#but intrusive thoughts and like mental doomspirals that i cannot stop. very common <3#like the thing where im like what if my mom died and thats why shes late and then i Have to think that scenario out to its conclusion#or i miss a step on the stairs and have to do the same thing#when i was a kid id just obsessively think of the scariest things i could conceive of lol#NORMAL. NORMAL ABT IT#in terms of fucking up my life tho the bipolar and the adhd are at the top so lets focus on those
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btw i think the way the aes sections of my pin boards for sam, dean, jess, and cas turned out are so sexy of me
#☽—— ⸢ ooc ⸥#s p n /#.tbd.#also sam and dean's humor sections are rlly funny to me but that's beside the point#anyway. hiiiii i'm working on a little writing#current goal: get through my entire inbox on this blog (not in one day fjdsffdsakfl)#as in like. i'm either replying to it or deleting it#def a good time to remind ppl that i highly highly highly prefer you SPAM me with asks (literally however many you want)#so i have options for the sake of muse/adhd/etc#whenever and however many you want at a time. even if we're new mutuals. even if we haven't written much#actually especially then lmao that way i don't leave you waiting too long hopefully#don't get me wrong if i only have one ask from someone i'll do my best to reply to it but you're still free to send more#anyway. hayla i'm so sorry ahead of time because i have so many things from u i'm excited to reply to lmaooo
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everyday im like i need to learn how to draw and then i just don't start
#and its annoying!!!!!!!! it gets so annoying to not start things bcs its just so easy and i dont start!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i know it has to do a lot with the fact that my adhd comes with the executive dysfunction and it's not bcs i just don't want to start#but it gets exhausting and it gets tiring bcs it's a constant battle of convincing myself to do things which will give me pleasure!!!!!!#it rlly will!!!!!!!!! but sometimes the day just passes without realizing n suddenly its nighttime n im so sleepy and it's a cycle that#repeats itself n no matter what i cant seem to break#i have started doing things i have done things but it doesnt last a long time n it's just so frustrating#which is why i always see starting things as an achievement even if it's not as big#jo.txt
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adhd is funny bc i have been 15 crying bc i couldnt focus my attention for more than 10 minutes and now nearly a decade has past and im still doing the exact same thing
#nyx talks shit#hate pulling all nighters and not even getting to have fun#but i cant finish anything on a deadline otherwise#first of all. u cant start until there r less than 24 hours left#then u gotta cry after every 5 minutes bc ur mind would rather eat shit than have a single coherent train of thought#thenn u gotta pull smth out of ur ass and go with it which at least u can do bc improv comes easy#sometimes it rlly feels like a cycle and im tired of it#adhd#actually adhd
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i want to share a specific au of mine but im like. scared
me n my friendo have been ranting together abt for like 2(?) yrs n i was thinking of posting abt it n never did (i wasnt completely involved in the fandom at that time as i am today)
now that i am i wanna post it but im nervous
might tweak it a little not sure
(more of the rant in the tags, important ig)
#ninjago#i obviously dont mind if people wont like it/dont care abt it especially since its like.#a kid au#where nya and jay unexpectedly have a kid after s10#im rlly scared to post abt it but i have so many ideas in my head and my adhd ass cant handle ranting to myself#especially with how me n my bestie have been so busy lately we never talk#plus our different timezones#if any of u guys even just one person wants to hear abt it ill try my best#im also attempting to improve my writing skills. they suck#art and summaries will probably be more frequent until i ever decide to make a fic or smth#by now actually your free to ask questions since abt anything regarding the au since i dont want to do a summary just yet#ninjago jay#ninjago nya#jay walker#nya jiang#levi's ted talks#also if this post flops act like u never saw it
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trying SO HARD not to self dx but the OCD allegations are getting hard 2 beat
#still feel like its not really accurate even tho i have these lifelong traits that i only recently discovered are very specific to OCD#i thought my intrusive thoughts were anxiety and my skin picking was adhd#and the thing where i can cause myself to throw up just by thinking 'what if that food i ate was rotten' was autism#but also do i rlly have All These Disorders or is it just w with overlapping traits#also i feel like recurring r@pe nightmares where u wake up dry sobbing are not healthy
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There’s soo much I want to learn…but my brain is too smol and also cannot focus and gets bored very easily
#goblinposts#neurospicy#adhd#mayhaps#or I’m jus stupid idk#also always have the sleepies#and also always forget things even when I do try rlly hard to learn
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my new bit apparently is i make gifs under the emotional duress of this one anon who will check in with me when i havent been making gifs finster style except im not girlmoding and theyre not paying me
#but other than that its basically exactly the same situation#btw love that anon literally no hate. i just have adhd#its not even hard its just that theres a bunch of steps and my brain always goes. TOO MANY. and we sit here making posts about it instead.#but in my defense it is almost midnight and i am just gonna go to bed. tomorrow though. who knows#also i want to learn animstack in more depth and i want to. learn gimp filters too (one in the same rlly)#but i need to forget that for now and just make the sets i have in my todo list lol#if its any consolation im also hardcore procrastinating on all my fics and shit. im kind of just doing a fat load of nothing most days
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how tf did me facetiming someone i matched with on tinder turn into them giving me unsolicited advice about giving people your full attention after i already let them know that i recently got diagnosed as adhd and it’s hard for me to focus on just one thing/person and then them telling me that “based on my behavior” they think i’m autistic like ?? didn’t ask, we literally started messaging each other like a day ago, even if i am autistic (which wouldn’t be a bad thing if i am) when has it ever been socially acceptable to tell someone you JUST MET that you think they’ve got some kind of mental disorder/illness/disability/etc.
my friends have mentioned that i might be autistic and that’s fine bc i’ve spent a lot of time with them and they actually know me and i take their perspective of me very seriously because they’re the people who see me 100% unfiltered and have known me whenever i’ve been completely unmedicated. i trust their word.
this person from tinder, however, i have sent like maybe 20-30 messages to where we talked about nanowrimo and i was like omg it’d be so cool to meet someone who also writes, whether it’s as friends or as more, i would love that—only for our facetime call to be less than 20 minutes long and for them to try and diagnose me as autistic just because i, after ALREADY TELLING THEM that i have adhd and after them asking about meds and me telling them that i haven’t taken my adhd meds today because i didn’t have work and also i’ve taken multiple naps today which has made my head even more foggy and made it even harder than usual to focus, found it difficult to focus.
like. i wasn’t unresponsive. i wasn’t ignoring them. i was listening and i was responding, i just also was looking between my phone and my laptop screen.
which okay i understand that maybe i’m just frustrated because of the “based on your behavior” comment because an 18 minute facetime call does not give someone enough interaction time to try and fucking diagnose me as anything, and maybe this is more of a we just didn’t vibe and that’s fine, i don’t think they’re like a bad person or anything and if nothing else i’m glad the mismatched vibes were felt before deciding to meet up or anything, but also.
eighteen minutes. literally eighteen minutes and they fucking “based on your behavior i think you’re autistic” and “here’s some advice, when meeting new people you should give them your full attention”
FUCK that.
#idk maybe they’re also autistic and thought it was supposed to be helpful? and again i dont think they’re a bad person#and esp if they are some kind of neurodivergent they might not have realized how that comment could come across#so i’m trying not to take it too personally bc 1. i dont rlly know them 2. they dont rlly know me and 3. it has no heavy impact on my life#but also like idk it just was weird and even if they didnt intend to comment to come across like that#i can still be uncomfortable and upset about it#anyways moving on this is why i barely ever open tinder in the first place lmaooo#aricomplains#also like they probably arent all that wrong to be fair#i know it can come across as rude to not put ur full focus on someone esp someone you’ve just met and that is something i want to work on#it just felt weird that i literally explained i have adhd and its hard to focus and i promised them its nothing personal if i struggle#to focus on them while talking and like AFTER i said that they tried to give me that ‘advice’ like i hadnt already addressed it#idk i understand how my actions might have come across as rude or something but if someone told me they had adhd and struggled to focus#i would immediately know not to take it personally if they’re like fidgeting or on their phone while i talk or smth#which i also get is not something everyone has to do too like no one is required to react the same and#blah i’m overthinking this i need to stop#basically: i understand how my part in the ft call might have come across and i addressed it and tried to focus as much as i could#and if they took my lack of focus as rude i understand why and i also understand my ability to focus on people’s something i need to work on#but also the way they approached it rubbed me wrong and those comments made me uncomfortable and upset#but again i started talking to them yesterday and have no obligation to talk to them again so#take this as a lesson and a reminder of why i need to keep working on my ability to focus on people better when talking to them#and also take this as a reminder as to the kind of people i want to spend time with and thats not people who give passive aggressive advice#or try to diagnose someone they JUST met#and then take those lessons and reminders with me as i move on#ok im done now im gonna unmatch w them on tinder and also maybe just delete tinder entirely bc i barely use it anyway and would rather#try to meet people in more authentic ways#honestly my hope is that now that i’m spending like 3 days a week at the library in between shifts#i might meet another library-going sapphic and that would be VERY lovely 🥰
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i was trying to make some recolors for fun n to hopefully upload some of the good ones as cc here w/o having to open my messed up game and then i realised if i do i NEED to open n fix my funky game no matter what for preview pics 😭
#kill me. kill now. me a kill needing a lot right now#i might try to do it when my brains better bc atm its absolutely waaaay too cluttered to focus on fixing my ts4 game#like im mid adjusting my ADHD meds so im not takinf any atm theres NOOO way i can focus on trying to fix this hell games lmfao#i also am in a depressive epusode soooo thats fun too#which suuuucks cause i have so many good recolor ideas aaaaaaaa#and i cant even open my game to run CAS so i cant even take preview pics in CAS -____-#so yeah im gonna try to as soon as my brains a little better n i have adjusted my adhd meds#but for now its still slim pickens TS4 content wise i genuinely apologise 😭#im rlly sorry like no joke but also rlly tired just exhausted#legit i apologise#but also like cmon#i just want to play my silly life simulation game and its like NOOOOOOPEE#i hate this game#pain. suffering even#nonsims#im losing it#non sims#shitpost#shit post#shitposts#shit posts#text posts#textposts#textpost#text post#jester posting
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i'm so goddamn stupid
#i'm so mad. i'm so mad. i wasnt thinking!!! like i rlly wasnt using my brain at all#i finally FINALLY have adhd testing within reach easily accessible its there its right there#but i have to wait. i have to wait another month and a half bc i just had to get high on my birthday#and i'm not even. like whatever i should be able to get high whenever like thats my perogative but i SHOULDVE KNOWN better#than to get high so close to when i was gonna try and do all this. i just. i forgot#+ to make matters worse i already asked my dad for a ride to the appointment next week and hes gonna ask why i didnt schedule it#and what i'm waiting for and i already mentioned the urine test (like an idiot!) so its gonna be like painfully obvious#and i have no idea how hes gonna react. or if hes gonna tell my mom. and like i live here!! i cant avoid their reaction!! god this is so.#anyways. love and light on planet earth this is not my grave#panic and devastation over. time for soup (fideo)#.txt
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hmm
feel like I've lost myself somewhere but not sure where and what to do about it
#shut up ray#its so annoying cos i have all these things ive wanted for so long#i should be happy and be able to do the things i want to do#but i dont want to do anything#i feel so much anxiety every day abt how few hrs i have to do all the things in#but then i just put everything off#because i cant get myself to do it#havent touched my guitar since i stopped the adhd meds#they were great at focusing me#but only for a few weeks then idk i started to feel wrong#like i wasn't myself anymore#but even after stopping i still feel kinda off?#rlly hoped my ongoing identity crisis wouldve stopped by now...#is this just what your 20s are??#ive heard ppl mention it lmao#just rlly feel like im lagging behind again#but this time i dont even know what im lagging in#ive achieved all the achievable life goals#i dont rlly have any other goals#i wonder if it hadnt been for the gender bullshit i couldve gotten this identity crisis over with earlier#perhaps in my teens when everyone else seemed to be figuring shit out??#but i just seemed to be delayed over and over again on the whole teen development years deal#ugh idk man#cant even keep hold of friends anymore#i think i have one#count em ONE#at this time. and i dont seem to be much of a priority anymore#i worry that i may have finally started succeeding in pushing even her away#someone who forced her way into my life back in 2011 and has refused to leave it#fucking hate this asocial shit ive inherited from my parents
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me at 5am: I need to lose weight and I need to learn how to code
#I have about three weeks for both hmmm#much to think about 😂😂😂#I think I know how to do the regression model now in theory#I spent an hour reading about it just now#I wish I could work on my assignment but#I can’t until Monday ugh#I mean my dad is visiting which is awesome#and my kitchen is finally gonna be fixed which is also awesome though stressful#but I couldn’t focus on anything as long as I had so many outstanding things to do#so I haven’t rlly started 😭#it was that adhd thing where you can’t do anything except WAIT for the Appointment TM to happen even if it’s super late in the afternoon#idk if there’s a name for this but#it’s different from exec dysfunction it’s more like#absence of peace of mind to hyperfixate and consequent failure to get anything done#shut up Sam
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