#didn't even realize until he said that
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He literally goes "you hold your breath when I speak"
😳 HNG
Not me literally holding my breath over here
#YOU CAUGHT ME SIR#not even exaggerating#i was like “OOP”#didn't even realize until he said that#ascended astarion#astarion ancunin#astarion smut#bg3 astarion#astarion bg3#astarion#vampire lord astarion
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buggy who turns to shanks one night after they've reunited and says softly, with indecipherable look in his eyes and says, "i'm not in love with you anymore." and shanks, shocked beyond belief, heart aching with a want he didn't even know he had, with a need he hadn't even realized was there, thinks quietly to himself, i didn't know you ever were
#i mean like obv buggy is fucking lying to himself#but he hopes that if he says it to shanks' face he'll get over it#but honestly how do get over a near lifetimes worth of love#(you don't)#and shanks who didn't even know loving buggy like that was an option until buggy said smth is devastated#because of course he loves buggy. what else has been a constant in his life but buggy?#but he didn't realize that be /in/ love with buggy was an option. and shanks who has always taken buggy's words at face value#doesn't refute them. he sits in his heartbreak and tries not to mourn the loss of his love#benn and cabaji are so fucking sick of them#buggy the clown#buggy one piece#op buggy#shanks#akagami no shanks#op shanks#shuggy#shanks x buggy#one piece#1k
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i think dinostar is such an interesting ship right now even if i've kind of turned away from it after this season. the problem is that it's complicated, and fandoms historically don't like nuanced situations or takes. i don't think it's fair to say darius is putting brooklynn on a pedestal, since from his perspective, she hasn't done anything wrong, and kenji has been framed as this unfair partner to her. it does feel like his feelings are very immature and more of an infatuation right now ("if he loved you half as much.."/"unless?"), especially when you compare them to kenji's own feelings for brooklynn - his girlfriend who he's loved for 6 years - but that isn't a horrible thing, it's just different. i do completely understand if people dislike the ship right now, and even criticize darius' way of handling the accidental confession, but i just think people have been way too harsh on all three of them without being willing to see that all of their perspectives are different
#like darius' whole thing this season was his tendency to say or do the wrong thing and make things awkward by complete accident#he's a very awkward person as it is and considering he's also never dealt with romantic feelings before and he didn't even mean to tell her#about them it makes sense that he once again said and did the wrong things while trying to fix it#i'm not going to judge his characterization just yet until we see how he handles his own feelings vs kenji's next season after finding out#she's alive#he was still respectful of her and i doubt after learning more of kenji's side and realizing this man genuinely does still love and miss he#that he would prioritize pursuing her romantically(especially since she already yk.. rejected him and also literally just left them all)#if anything i think the finale putting his feelings about her survival to the side and focusing on how it hurt kenji to see her alive and#leave him kind of indicates that brooklynn's not really going to be much of a love interest for darius after this#which imo as a dinostar enjoyer and professional darius lover i'm actually okay with#slightly off topic but season 2 has made me really appreciate kenlynn on its own because of how tragic and nuanced it is#so i think focusing on them instead is not only a better decision in terms of consistency and storytelling but it's just the more realistic#and satisfying choice right now#and that's not to say i think they'll be perfectly fine or even together again once they're reunited properly#in fact i very much hope she ends up alone and they all get closure from this#and there's always the possibility that later on the show might actually revisit dinostar again#which would be better than them trying to do so now in my opinion#idk this is probably a mess but i've been trying to think about how i felt about this love triangle for awhile and since s2 handled it#completely differently than i thought they would. i feel like it's not going to be that simple#and i just wish fans of all sides would kind of chill out on the characters lmao#jwct#chaos theory#jwct s2 spoilers#brooklynn jwct#jwct season 2 spoilers#dinostar#kenlynn#kenji kon#darius bowman#jurassic world
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in the span of maybe an hour, clara oswald goes from, "I already know - don't say it." to, "people like you and me should say things to each other" and I'll never get over it
she literally gets pulled out of time the moment before her death and learns he's been clawing his way back to her for 4.5 BILLION years?? Just to save her??? I would also suddenly and urgently have words
#doctor who#clara oswald#12th doctor#twelveclara#you say goodbye to the person who's most important in the whole universe to you#things between you are left unsaid but not unknown#and then just before your heart stops beating - he's there??#but he's frantic and desperate and angry and not entirely himself and when you look in his eyes#you know it's been more than a few minutes for him#but BILLIONS of years???#(Clara's stronger than me I'd pass out or go catatonic from the sheer enormity of that realization)#of course you have to say something in the face of something so terrible and beautiful#and frankly he's too consumed by grief and anger to hear her#but I imagine whatever she said was both a confession and a plea to never do that on her behalf again#dw#i think even at the end clara doesn't quite grasp the sheer depth of his love for her until then#and she never wanted to die - but she didn't want him to do THAT; that level of devotion was unfathomable#god im obsessed with them#when is it my turn
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Choose your fighter:
-> Kouhei Higuchi I flipped through the script a dozen times and still didn't know what was going on -> Hideyoshi Kan I know everything so well that I'm gonna reveal Ace's entire backstory at the first ever Geats press conference
#14shyx#kamen rider#kamen rider geats#super sentai#avataro sentai donbrothers#star of the stars of the stars.kr#or rather: hideyoshi cannot keep a secret to save his life#he didn't even realize he spoiled part of the gotchard/geats movie at the press conference until ryuga straight up said 'that's spoilers :|#(he went through an existential crisis on the spot lol poor hideyoshi)
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Ter stop talking over and making decisions for Dee challenge 2k24. Y'all ain't even friends at this point you're just the annoying coworker go away
#wandee goodday#wandee goodday the series#wandee goodday series#listen listen listen#i am glad that ter is starting to realize things about himself#i'm glad he's starting to embrace his feelings#howmstever he needs to do that in a way where he is able to give up some control#he cannot control dee's actions or responses#he needs to communicate with dee not make decisions for him#ter and dee do not mesh because dee is super competitive about silly little things#and he doesn't like being told what to do. he likes gentle nudging and he also likes his boundaries#yak still hasn't kissed him despite both of them knowing how bad yak wants to#ter extended their japan trip without talking to dee and then tried to kiss him not even knowing how dee feels about being kissed#dee hasn't had a chance to explain#and even before he had a chance to explain with yak#yak wasn't kissing him. yak was operating strictly off of body language and managed to not kiss dee#then he asked about it in a non-judgemental way and dee felt comfortable enough to tell him#and yak said got it boss. you know i want to kiss you but this is a boundary that we will not cross#until we are ready and willing to cross it together#yes yak has pushed a bit because he wants it but he always goes slow enough and gives dee enough space to back out before they kiss#which dee does#and he will back out until he doesn't#but that's the difference between ter and yak#dee was closed in and didn't have a lot of options to avoid the kiss if it hadn't been interrupted#i don't doubt dee would have managed to avoid it but ter blocked off a lot of opportunities to leave#yak leaves space for dee to leave if he wants to#ter is controlling and yak is freeing#and that is why dee was able to fall for yak after 8 years of pining for ter#he is free from the feelings that were controlling him#and now he can move on and be happy with someone who truly understands him
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unpopular opinion: there is no point in the show in which jeid would have made sense. jj never seemed interested in him, and his feelings always felt misconstrued and misplaced. they never had that kinda chemistry.
#r.text#unpopular opinion#jennifer jj jareau#jennifer jareau#spencer reid#anti jeid#furthermore i didn't even realize they were actually friends until jj made him henry's godfather#even that decision doesn't make sense to me#especially considering she didn't trust him alone w henry until he was like what 5 or 6??#what episode did they get drunk n hungover? y'all know the one#maybe that doesn't stand out to most ppl but idk#me? im not finna make someone my child's godparent if there's a point in time that i would b worried about them being alone together#like at any point#why would i make u a godparent when im worried bout if u can take care of them without me#the trust is the point n canonically it wasn't there#they always read as older sister/younger brother who love each other#are there for each other during hard dark times#but aren't really close cua they share no commonalities#i genuinely don't understand how ppl see anything but#that said yeah even jeid as best friends doesn't really make sense to me#she's never really interested in him enough for that to ever make sense#she doesn't even ever care to listen to his lil infodumps#which contrary to fandom beliefs she doesn't have to listen to him if she doesn't want to#her not wanting to doesn't make her a bitch either#criminal minds
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you know when there is one person you need to have a fight with (my dad) but you cant so you find yourself subconsciously picking fights with other people -_-
yeah i need to stop that
#jrnlsht#there is a giant ache that overwhelms even the slight wound from nick being a butt over this illness#and its that my dad is acting like he just doesnt care at all#and it is crushing me#i knew we were distant but i didn't know until now that he really truly didnt care#i have to figure out a way to reconcile with that and honestly im at a loss#this is like when my dad kept canceling his visits to me or my visits to him#and i kept defending him and saying excuses#until finally my one programmer friend here sat me down and said laura you keep saying that your dad is the one person you rely on#but he hasnt been reliable for years#and i realized my friend was right#this is just an extension of that shit that happened like two years ago#but dad was always the good one who saved me from my moms abuse and i am forever blind to his failings
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#currently on the worst road trip of my whole entire life! well. i don't want to jinx it lmao but#today i popped TWO TIRES at once in the middle of the Katy Freeway in Houston TX (the widest highway in the US; 26 lanes btw)#managed to make it over to the shoulder without DYING but then had to sit there for like an hour? and panic called a tow truck because duh#I know how to change a tire but I was – again – sitting on the shoulder of the widest freeway on the continent so#anyway I called a tow; a guy showed up. I assumed it was the tow! turned out it was not. but he helped me put on the spare and then was lik#“follow me to my shop I can do the tires for you” and I was like okay! 👍 but then the ACTUAL tow called me and I realized this was#just a random guy (very nice up to that point but then I got scared about following him to a secondary location?) and so I didn't lmao#I just kept driving and didn't follow him but the guy on the phone was then mad at me because I wasn't where I said I would be because#AGAIN – I thought the original guy WAS the tow company that I called? but anyway guy 2 on the phone was like “YOU OWE ME $200!!!!”#and I said for what? also how would I pay you? and he tried to get me to cash app him lmao?? I didn't. I hung up on him#he called me like 6 more times yelling at me until I finally just blocked his number 💀#however NOW at this point I'm driving on one spare tire and one rapidly-flattening second tire and I still have 3 hours left to get where#I was going for the night and to top it all off I'm in the middle of a city I've only been to one time before? so I manage to get to a hote#like a nice-ish one where I'm like “okay if I get stuck here this won't be the end of the world”#because keep in mind today is a national holiday so basically everything is closed!!!! btw!!!!!#but eventually I'm sitting there and it's literally 100F outside and I remember oh right lol I have car insurance which pays for a tow#(a normal one; not a random one I panic-found on google who calls me screaming at me to cash app him $200)#so anyway I call my insurance and the guy on the phone is very nice and is like “it's okay; we'll have someone to you in 45 min”#and I'm like okay. OKAY. 🙌💪 I am a strong independent woman who is figuring this out and no longer on the side of the highway#but instead in a nice calm neighborhood and all I have to do is wait 45 min and everything will be okay#one hour goes by. I call back. get redirected to the tow company that was dispatched. guy says oh! is my guy not there yet?#I say no. he says okay – I'll have him call you. hangs up.#okay. 20 more min go by. guy finally calls me. says “I'm 20-25 min away” at this point I've been waiting about an hour and a half#I say. okay? okay. 30 more minutes go by. I try to call the guy back. straight to voicemail. three more calls. three more no answers.#I call my insurance back. sit on hold for 15 min. eventually get put through to a different person who's like “okay let me check on him”#get put on hold. eventually she comes back and says “okay he says 15 minutes” I've been waiting over 2 hours at this point. I have to PEE#I just... burst into tears. on the phone with this poor random woman from Geico Insurance. I'm bawling my eyes out.#she was trying to get claim info from me but I'm crying so hard she's like “oh baby no. okay. okay. we can get that from you tomorrow.”#when you cry so hard that even the insurance company is like “you know what we're just going to let this one slide”#anyway guy eventually shows up. he's very nice even though I hate him a little for being so late. he drives me to an OPEN TIRE SHOP
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Errant PM update of the day:
yesterday she met with a client and got revisions for their site that needed to be done for today since the client has to use this new stuff in another meeting
she did them herself instead of assigning them to the proper team (something that sounds nice but is actually a huge problem bc she spends too much time doing other people's work instead of her own, and also she's not very good at it.)
she did not communicate this with anyone. also did not immediately email the client and inform them she has done their work.
my boss, who is also involved with that account since Errant was fucking it up majorly, decides to email them, receives a reply saying "when will our revisions be done" and starts panicking after hearing the team doesn't know about them
(classic Errant move is to get a task and not assign it, so he thought it was rotting in her inbox)
Errant decides this is a great time to not reply to anyone on skype for several hours
Errant finally gets a hold of the boss, explains everything, but by now it's been so long he's royally pissed and gives her a lecture about communicating
She then complains to Lead Dev (who she thinks is her friend but actually files the most complaints to HR Boss about her lmao) about how he isn't praising her for doing WORK THAT IS NOT HER JOB ~just because~ she didn't communicate with him quickly or email the client, and how he's such a micromanager (extremely false, he's a pain sometimes but overall fairly chill) and overreacted horribly because uuggghhh why is any of this his business like she did the stuff right who caaaaares? not like he had to sideline her on this account for several weeks because she spent Literally One Hundred Hours bullying the designer (until she cried) and making her redo things for no reason, and then refused to assign the site for 3 weeks (until there was only THREE DAYS left before the due date) because she wanted specifically Lead Dev to do it (again, she thinks he's her buddy), while the client grew increasingly frustrated with the delays! noooo, it's not like she's lost the right to keep this client to herself at all!! not like over the past few months she's managed many accounts so badly they've put her on probation!
Lead Dev cannot find a way to explain to her that she's living in a really bizarre alternate dimension and like, of course everyone is upset geez, so he's just trying to ignore her. she then decided to start sending him a bunch of ig posts about bad management which he thinks is funny, because there's only one bad manager here and it ain't our boss.
#i swear if we lose wfh privileges because SHE did not answer the boss's messages for hours....#shes always mad that the boss 'interferes' with her clients and it's like girl...#if you didn't piss off both the client and your fellow team members to the point where they got the bosses involved...#if you just did your job properly...#he WOULDN'T be in your space bc he wouldn't HAVE to be#she used to complain that this was sexism but then we hired a new PM whos female and she of course does her job right so the bosses#don't 'interfere' with her and even give her special projects sometimes#so now errant just hates her and calls her an alpha bitch to lead dev....so Errant's the one whos sexist really#she does have a very weird idea of what workplace sexism is. like yesterday she was mad cause our Christmas card design...#a bunch of minimalist illustrated hands holding Christmas ornaments.... doesn't have any hands with painted nails#so none of them are 'female'. this card is literally so unisex. 3 people instantly said they thought different hands were female#THEY ARE JUST LITTLE CARTOON HANDS HOLDING STARS GEEZ#but then she has beef with every woman in the office because we're all alpha bitches or we don't bow and scrape to her or we don't like#use enough exclamations or emojis in skype....#anyway sometimes Lead Dev and i try to unravel the layers of her lies and evasion tactics and we give up.#she is as the children say totally delulu#and like. listen this is a male dominated workspace. there are Sexism Microaggressions for sure#i would still love yo sit my boss at gunpoint and make him explain why he suddenly started telling everyone i didn't know jquery#for a few weeks last year until i corrected him (at the time he said 'oh i didn't realize you all knew that' IT WAS IN THE JOB POSTING!)#cause like. the real reason is i asked for help with some jquery once and therefore i must not know ANY....#ANYWAY. like its a male dominated business. there's going to be bullshit. its just that she fabricates her own bizarre bullshit#or uses sexism as an excuse to herself for why shes always in trouble...so you can't like. TALK to her about it#its so annoying#SORRY FOR THE MULTIPLE RANTS I WAS TRYING SO HARD TO NOT RANT BUT THE RANT MUST BE RANTED
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talking to new people again is making me realize that (this is gonna sound dramatic) i haven't lived in five years but what i have done is watch a lot of movies and read a bunch of books and believe it or not that actually makes me an interesting conversationalist in some ways (?)
#and like i say: brf slt#they don't know i'm crazy and as long as you're normal about it having seen a lot of movies just makes you come off as someone who's like#interested in culture i guess. which i am. but it's fun#and the books thing too and also knowing a lot about sociology#i have things to say jokes to make so in two months they haven't even realized i haven't lived a life yet🙏#i didn't even do it on purpose the way it happened is in 2019 i was very depressed suicidal etc then i got better but i was focused on#like...idk. basically getting used to being okay with being alive again? then it was 2020 and we didn't have classes in person full time#until september 2021. that's how it was for university students here. i did hang out with people but no one i LOVED or actually became#close with and it's true that i could have tried harder but i didn't because guys i love being by myself😭😭😭#then three years went by and now we're here. it's fine it's just that i don't have a lot of anecdotes that aren't old because LITERALLY#nothing has happened to me. nothing#that's not true i did talk about something semi-recent to my bff on friday it was about my 'friends' who hated on everyone the same way i#did when i was literally 12 and about how anxiety inducing it was because after a while i was like is this how they talk about me when i'm#not around🤨 i actually talked about that then. january or february 2023#this has been in my drafts for a week and i talked about the post i talk about in that last tag last week when i talked about my mutual who#blocked me that's the post she replied to to give me advice😔#also it's funny i said they don't know i'm crazy and a guy asked me what my favorite tv shows were and i don't know why i actually gave him#my full list like it's funny because like i said they think i like like good movies and good television and interesting books and stuff#and i know the shows i told him made him reassess that (which is fine but it's just funny) and also i told him i'm watching gilmore girls#for the 18th time and he was like you're joking i was like hm...and then he was like no you're being serious because it's way too#precise...and THAT i could have not told him. i was like whyyy did i tell him that...but it's fine#HE HADN'T EVEN HEARD OF SUCCESSION? 34-year-olds...#i mentioned the sopranos a couple weeks ago and my future bff was like what is that and i was like ? then i asked two more people and they#didn't know the show either so i was like i'll ask him (34-year-old) i know he'll know the sopranos and he was like OBVIOUSLY i know#the sopranos it's supposed to be one of the best shows of all time and later i asked if he had seen succession and he'd never even heard of#it? crazy. i mean if it had been anyone else i wouldn't have thought it was crazy but i expected HIM to know succession
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I've never heard of emts working only at events? What's that like for you if you don't mind my asking?
Yeah, there are ambulance companies that staff certain events, but there's some event specific companies out there lmao. For me specifically, it's almost entirely college events, whether it's happening on a campus or not. It's not great, usually pretty boring, but it's better than being on an ambulance or in a hospital. We do get actual emergencies sometimes, but usually it's just getting drunk people to the tent or giving out water and bandaids lmao. Again, boring as fuck, but I chose this over working on a 911 rig, so that's on me 😔 if I'm being so real tho, other than my coworkers, the best part of the job is the food lmaoooo it's so good and all the food trucks/food booths give discounts or free food to us depending on the location and event. And there's almost always a ton of downtime, so I basically just get paid to sit there and vibe for the most part
#not snz#when i say i love my job i mean i love very specific parts of it lmao#idk if I've said it here before or not and this is gonna sound so bad coming from someone working in healthcare#but i don't like patients lmao#i love the book stuff and i love everything in theory and i know how everything works and I'm very enthusiastic about it#but man do i not like patients ahskaksk#there are exceptions obviously but those are few and far between#it's why i love being an emt at my fire station bc we don't reslond to medical calls#like I've done medical calls there for the public but very rarely bc people either approach us or we stumble upon them#so i really only do my emt things on the people i know and i love that#i love my coworkers so I'm always happy to make sure they're okay and help them out when they're not#but i feel nothing for the public and i didn't realize i genuinely couldn't care less about them until i started doing my clinicals#it's just awkward and I'm not invested in them i just like figuring out what's wrong with them and interact with them as little as possible#again there are exceptions and i do like some of the patients but generally I'm just trying to hand them off asap#so yeah i do like working events bc the alternative is being confined to a tiny box or trapped in a hospital#i like being outside and being able to walk around the place and do things if i want to#and obviously i adore my partner#and even on the rare occasions i work with someone else all day i love my other coworkers too#and i mean yeah this might be more boring than working on an emergency rig However#it pays so much better#like why do y'all think my medic partner works there lmao he's actually good with patients and prefers the ambulance#but the pay in the field is shit so he gets paid way more working events than he would at the three letter company#insane actually that he makes over ten dollars more an hour working chill events than he would being overworked on a rig#anyway i digress#I'm looking into pathology assistant school rn bc there's like no patient interaction there but i still get to be nosy#so that's perfect for me lmao#everyone keeps saying i missed my calling as a vet tho like i don't cry when a dog dies in a movie lmao i wouldn't survive#working with animals would be amazing but the only thing that really gets you money is being a vet#so that can be a hobby
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Hi! As someone who now kinda wants to check out Trigun because of the hype, do you recommend that I can start with Stampede? Or do I really need to watch the OG anime first to better understand/enjoy it? Thank you! 🙋🏻♀️
you can start with stampede! i'd say knowing the context of the original enhances the experience but isn't necessary to enjoy the show. I would consider stampede more viewer-friendly, especially for those of us who are used to modern storytelling conventions (the original suffers the consequences of general writing trends in anime at the time it was produced and of the fact that it was produced long before the manga was finished, so the story is somewhat disjointed and has a lot of filler which makes it REALLY hard to get into.) if you do end up liking stampede, however, I'd suggest trying out watching at least SOME of the original because it adds a lot of cool nuance and context to the story that stampede tells!
#your only REAL handicap is that you're missing out on references that clue you into the context of the story early on#and quite a few references in the finale. but none of those references are hugely necessary to understand the plot so you should be fine!#i didn't DISLIKE the origial and like i said im glad i watched it first but it was. REALLY hard to get into.#even as someone who understands writing trends & enjoys a lot of older anime trigun is. a product of its time.#there's almost no context given for the story you're witnessing until a good 20 episodes in.#the main villain isn't named at all until halfway through the runtime#and even TWO EPISODES BEFORE THE FINALE i still did not have enough information to fully understand what the hell was going on#vash was going into the final fucking battle and i still didn't know what knives WAS let alone what the fuck he WANTED#not to mention nick was FULLY DEAD and i still didnt know what his deal was. like ok go off king have ur moment bleeding out in the church#but can you EXPLAIN WHATS GOING ON BEFORE YOU SUCCUMB TO THE BLOOD LOSS PLEASEEEEEEEE GOD#stampede does that whole thing WAY better imo. it sprinkles the backstory more naturally throughout the show#again. part of this is 90s writing conventions. but there's only so much i can take fr#it was like comparable to evangelion in terms of LACK OF CONTEXT#anyways. this isnt supposed to be me complaining about the original. it had its moments. i watched 24 episodes of it like it was not BAD#but like. i think the story really benefits from the way that stampede chooses to lay everything out. is what im saying.#tldr watch them in whatever order but if you like stampede try the original#you might not like it more than stampede but you WILL feel cool when you realize how it all relates to stampede#asks#vash is also WAAAAAY sexier in stampede. HOWEVER. the women of the show are like 10 times sexier in the original. so. pick your poison ig
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OLIVIE BLAKE PODCAST WHERE SHE ONCE AGAIN REAFFIRMS THAT LIBBY RHODES IS A CAPITAL V VILLAIN FOR THE VERY REASONS WHY SO MANY THINK SHE'S BABYGIRL YEAH YEAH YEAH I WIN I WIN I'M ALWAYS CORRECT!
#the atlas complex#ta6#don't get me wrong: libby rhodes is a fantastically constructed character#but she's also a woefully AWFUL person and her descent is so brilliant bc you empathize with her the entire time!! !#and then suddenly you're like wait?!!! this bitch is CRAZY?!?!?#libby in the atlas paradox like yeah she's the white girl you went to high school who said something so stealthily racist you didn't even#realize it until six years later#she's the white girl currently telling you you HAVE to vote for biden despite the genocide he's aiding and abetting#everything libby did in the atlas complex makes complete sense actually when you accept how breathtakingly selfish she always was#libby rhodes!! love that bitch and i hate that bitch#olivieblake
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i have acquired a mystical and powerful ointment (hydrocortisone cream) from the village herbalist (rite aid) to assist with the curse set upon my bloodline from many generations ago (eczema)
#feel free to reblog#ironically this is the one thing i know the least about and it's the one i've known about for sure for the longest#never seen a doctor for it (everything online says you probably should) because my parents never took me#they told me that's what it was because that's what my dad had and it looked close enough#they also said i'd grow out of it like my dad did (just as he was growing back into it hmmmmm)#so i'm not like shocked that this is cropped up again i'm mostly like. annoyed? and sad.#i'm annoyed because like - they treated it so casually it was a non issue#get some anti-itch cream moisturize etc#and be quiet about it until it goes away#so it came back every now and then and i stopped telling them i was getting flare ups i'd just get into dad's cortizone and put some on#until it went away#there was never like a plan or a regimine in place for how to deal with it#dad's whole routine was preventative (lots and lots of baby oil) with the steroid cream you pick up at the pharmacy if there was a flare#and i didn't even know when he'd get a flare because it never got brought up - so i didn't know to look for patterns or anything#and now it's hitting me and has been for probably longer than i realized and i'm just like#*how do i take care of this???* *why is it not going away???*#and like yes i absolutely should also still see a doctor about it just to like. Fucking get shit in my records#jesus christ the realization that eczema isn't even probably in my medical records fucking hell#IT'S IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT'S AN IMMUNE RESPONSE AND DOCTORS PROBABLY NEED TO KNOW I'VE GOT A FUCKY IMMUNE SYSTEM IF THAT'S A THING#LIKE CHRIST IN HEAVEN MOM AND DAD A TRIP TO THE DOCTOR IS LIKE NORMAL FOR SMALL CHILDREN#FOR FUCKS SAKE WHY DID I NEVER SEE A DOCTOR AS A CHILD FUCKING MARY MOTHER OF GOD MA WHAT THE FUCK
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You know, it started as suspicion and hypochondria but now i'm like convinced i'm actually autistic and constantly masking and experiencing burnout and severe social anxiety as a result of it and now i kind of want to see a psychologist
#me two weeks ago: yeah i don't mask like at all lol#me today realizing that i literally used to say i 'intentionally developed social anxiety to stop being so awful'#which is LITERALLY what masking is#me two weeks ago: i don't have meltdowns lol i don't lose total control like that#me now having learned what shutdowns are and remembering that i literally also did have meltdowns as a child#and also i ACTUALLY HAD A MELTDOWN LIKE LESS THAN A YEAR AGO#oh#bruh i stim constantly but my more extreme ones are heavily suppressed like i HAVE to be subtle about it or people will yell at me#abd i was bullied as a kid and i was too socially inept to even realize it was happening until years after!!!!#i just knew tht sometimes people said mean things to me and i didn't like that but i was just playin in the dirt man!!!!!#i got in a fight once because i didn't know that what i was doing qualified as 'fighting' and then suddenly i was on the ground with a boy#screaming at me tjat he was gonna kill me😭#and i had no idea when was an appropriate time to be loud and when told i just didn't listen and a teacher literally thought i was#mentally r-worded to quote her but obviously#i'm NOT but i was a little girl so they didn't bother checking if i was AUTISTIC#bro i sucked my thumb until i was like 7-10 and had a scar on my thumb from my teeth digging into it#THAT WASNT NORMAL
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