#depression awareness

[marimeiastories]

I don't want to be in love with someone

I want to be in love with life

so fiercely

that I forget all the pain

and all the days in which I thought

I couldn't do it anymore

- marimeiastories

[dragubel]

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Jonathan Davis x Fem Reader

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┃You finally meet Jonathan after eight months of not being able to see him for a long while, you were Jonathan's old friend, or.. that's what you thought until... Well, you'll see ;)

┃words: 1997

┃Physical sex: AFAB

┃Contains the following: Cussing, sex, cunnilingus, P in V, unprotected intercourse, drunk sex, praise, degradation, public area, Fluff, aftercare, and comfort.

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as you step into the dimly lit bar, amidst the crowded people, you can point out Jonathan and the rest of his band. you and Jonathan have been good friends for a long time, and even had some intimate moments together in the past and even recently. you push yourself through the crowd of drunken people as you try to get to the front of the bar where you can see Jonathan and the rest of his band. you can see Jon pointing at the strongest drink on the menu, and thanking the bartender politely when they handed it to him, as he immediately started chugging it. Finally, after maneuvering through the crowd, you reach Jonathan’s side, his bandmates initially wearing expressions of confusion as they struggle to recall who you are amidst their intoxication. However, it doesn’t take long for recognition to dawn upon them, as they recall the countless encounters you shared back in the early 1990s. A warm smile spreads across your face as you embrace Jonathan, the familiarity and fondness between you are evident in that heartfelt hug. The reunion feels like coming home, even amidst the pulsing chaos of the bar, and it sparks a strong sense of intimacy between you and Jonathan for the night ahead.

“Hey! Where’ve you been for like eight months??” he questioned you with his words kinda slurred.

Your gaze met his, a mixture of amusement and affection in your eyes as you playfully nudged him.

“Well, life got a little crazy, but I’m here now,” you replied, a playful tone in your voice. “I’ve missed you, Jonathan. It’s been a while.”

Jonathan’s face lit up with a mixture of relief and excitement. “I Missed you too, ___,” he confessed, his voice tinged with genuine warmth.

As the hours slipped away and the bar thrived with energy, your conversations grew deeper, echoing the intimacy you once shared. Jonathan’s intoxicated and seductive gaze locked onto yours, his eyes reflecting a mix of emotions - longing, curiosity, and perhaps a hint of something intimate, almost even hypnotic. The allure of the night entwined with the unimaginable amount of chemistry between you, igniting a magnetic pull that couldn’t be excused.

You were completely in love with him, as the feelings were mutual. His eyes, his smile, his personality, his voice, his hair…. everything about him just made you want him more than anything else in the world. “uh- I have to go to the bathroom.” you excused yourself as you pushed through the drunk crowd again, covering your face as it was bright red.

as you finally push yourself through the crowd and arrive in the dirty public bathroom, and you sit on the toilet in one of the stalls thinking about how Jonathan could genuinely love to be around a person like you. you never liked looking in the mirror every day, you think you’re annoying, you just don’t like yourself, but Jonathan does. you sat in the bathroom stall for over 30 minutes, completely zoning out and just staring at the badly drawn graffiti on the door of the stall, until you hear the door open and hear a familiar voice ask you, “Hey, you okay, ___?”

it was Jonathan, he unsteadily stepped closer to the small bathroom stall you were sitting in, you sat up correctly on the closed toilet and nervously answered 

“Yeah, I'm fine!” you unlock the bathroom stall door to see him standing in front of the door, staring down at the dirty floor until he realizes the door has opened to meet you standing there. His eyes slowly lift from the floor, and as they meet yours, a mixture of concern and tenderness washes over his face. Jonathan takes a step closer, his voice filled with genuine worry.

“___, are you sure you’re okay?” he asks, his slurred words laced with a sincere desire to understand. A thousand thoughts swirl in your mind as you take in the sight of him, the one person who has always seen through your insecurities. With a deep breath, you gather the courage to open up, to let him see the vulnerability that lies within.

“I… I just needed a moment,” you reply softly, your voice trembling slightly. “Sometimes, I struggle with my self-worth, and being around you, it’s both exhilarating and terrifying.”

Jonathan’s gaze softens, his eyes reflecting a depth of understanding that goes beyond words. He reaches out, his hand gently cupping your cheek, a gesture of comfort and reassurance.

“___, you are so much more than you give yourself credit for,” he says, his voice filled with sincerity. “To me, you’re the only person who was able to make me feel this way.”

without hesitation, you immediately kissed him deeply. his eyes widened in surprise, but you could tell he wasn't gonna do it sooner or later out of nervousness. you guys immediately start making out drunkenly, completely unaware of what else is going on, you two didn't have a care in the world. As the makeout session quickly starts to get more and more heated, before you know it, you are pinned up to the wall by Jonathan. he breaks off the kiss and looks at you deeply in the eyes seductively, as he starts to undo his belt with a drunken smirk on his face. his jeans fall to his ankles quickly, and he pulls down his boxers to reveal his boner. Your head is completely foggy, but you go along with it as you start to undo the zipper on your pants and uncover your soaked pussy. he grabs you by the thighs to pin you up to the wall in a more comfortable position and sticks his bulging fuzzy cock into your drenched intimate area. the bouncing between Jonathan's thighs and yours become wetter and louder by the second, along with drunken moans coming from both of you. the pace picks up instantly as he heard you whimper and moan, making you scream with the unexpected change of speed of his dick sliding abruptly in and out of your wet tunnel. the two of you start to moan into each other's mouth as the moment continues to go on for what feels like forever, which you couldn't complain about. as time goes on, Jonathan finally orgasms inside of your moist vaginal insides as he exits, leaving a white sticky substance behind. after a little bit of heavy breathing from Jonathan, he decided he wanted to change positions. he picks you off from you propped on the wall and sets you down carefully on the toilet seat, spreading your legs along with looking up at you while biting his lip seductively, preparing to give you even more pleasure, as you didn't think it was possible. he leans closer to your wet vagina lips and carefully slides his tongue inside, wiggling it around as a way of teasing you. you whimper at this act, and he smiles alluringly and starts tongue fucking you faster, sliding in and out faster and faster after each second passes. your eyes roll back as you bite your lip, your head is a foggy mess, but you are enjoying every second of what is happening outside of it. jonathan lightly sucks on your clit, along with sliding his already moist fingers into your other hole. you moan loudly as he picks up the pace and proceeds to suck your clit, harder and sloppier this time, along with giving occasional nibbles at times. his tongue slides out slowly along with his fingers. he looks up at you seductively as he's licking his fingers, now drenched in moisture. 

“you taste so good, my dirty little slut~” he praised. you get more and more aroused just looking at him, and you can't take it anymore. As he stands up, you lightly stroke his cock, letting him get to be pleasured as well. he whimpers as you do this, as of he wasn't expecting it. you start stimulating his moist tip and stroking his long lightly trimmed cock. you speed up the pace as well as rubbing around his anus to get him equal pleasure to what he gave to you. his head tips back as you start to full-on deepthroat him faster along with fingering his asshole. he grips your hair and pushes your head down on his cock as he moans loudly. you proceed to deepthroat him faster and faster, still caressing his dick. finally, once again, he cums as he lets out a long, relieved moan. you lick the leftover cum from your lips while making loving eye contact with each other. you get up to have another makeout session with each other, but then you two realize that the rest of Jonathan's band is still in the bar.

“Don't worry, I'll tell them that you're fine and that we just got… ‘carried away’ I guess.”

jonathan announced so you won't get stressed out. he opens the door and steps out of the bathroom, but forgets to look at himself in the mirror to find out that he's all sweaty and red. Jonathan walks out to the less crowded bar to find the rest of his band members sitting in a booth eating. they looked up at him in relief to find out that everything was fine, but they were still concerned as to why he was all red.

“what took so long?” munky asked Jonathan, looking up at him in confusion. “well, everything is fine, we just got carried away.” Jon responded as he scratched the back of his head. “go grab ___ and ask if they want anything on the go cuz we gotta head out soon��� Head announced as he finished the rest of his food. “wait, they can stay?” Jon asks in confusion but also excitement. “I mean, if they can and if they want to, we don't care.” head explains.

jonathan steps back into the bathroom and opens the stall door to find you sitting on the toilet seat, picking at the skin on your fingers.

“Hey, do you want anything on the go?” Jonathan asks you sweetly, being aware that you were stressed out they would find out and possibly be upset. “uh, what do they have?” you ask, but then cut yourself off. “wait, I can come with you guys???” you ask excitedly as jon nods his head.

you get food to go and eat in the tour bus, completely forgetting about the fact that you guys had sex in the bathroom about 30 minutes ago.

it's now around 12:30 AM and you are all getting tired, so you go to ask Jonathan something. “where do I sleep?” you ask curiously. “you can sleep in my bunk. ill sleep on the sofa” he exclaims. you nod OK and go to take a nap but then realize Jonathan has to sleep on the sofa, so you feel bad for taking his bunk.

“Hey Jon? you can have your bunk. I feel bad for taking it.” you apologized. Jonathan nods. “well why don't we just share?” he responds asking in curiosity. your face goes bright red thinking about sleeping in the same bunk as him, snuggling up against each other, stroking each other's hair, etc.

“___?” he asks in a worried tone, as your eyes are wide open and your face is completely red. “uh- yeah that's fine,” you say quickly, without hesitation.

when everyone got tired, Jonathan decided to stay up a little late doing who knows what. maybe writing songs. but he then also got tired and decided to climb into his bunk but was met with something else.

you were snuggled up inside of jonathans bunk, dead asleep. jonathan smiles softly at the cute sight and climbs into his bunk, along with wrapping his arms around you and getting cozy.

after a while, he as well falls asleep, while hugging you tightly, to make sure you feel safe and secure.

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i found this in the drafts when i was in the hospital, made this on my phone lmao and i am so sorry if i used y/n or fucked up in any type of way, i was put on sum heavy medication while i was in there so sorry if its fucky lmao i had so much fun making this though!

[theereina]

[annapearlie]

-

by me

[interjace]

[lovealexhunt]

These wonderful images were created by happinessproject on Instagram, raising awareness of Functional Depression.💛

[erika111111]

What mental illness does Josh really have?

On my first several play-throughs/watch-throughs, I thought that he was schizophrenic. But eventually I found the psychiatric report during Sam's section and it gives some interesting information.

So Josh is given antidepressants (Phenelzine during his treatment with Dr. Hill). Antidepressants can actually be used for schizophrenia in some cases, but what's interesting is the withdrawal side effects. Chris states "he's definitely off his meds" and "he's sick." So it's pretty obvious he hasn't been taking his medication lately. So let's take a look at some of the withdrawal side effects.

Hallucinations - I think this is the most prominent one, and also a strong indicator for him being schizophrenic. But the withdrawal side effects from his antidepressants also give him hallucinations as well. I don't think I really need to explain this one much, the entire sequence where he sees Hannah and Beth and also the Dr. Hill sequences are obviously hallucinations.

Paranoia - This is pretty similar to the above and I think they both go hand in hand.

Aggressiveness - I think the best example of this would be when he punches Ashley, as they make a specific point out of it. "You punched Ashley, you piece of shit!" "I got... so mad!" It was literally like Josh couldn't control himself.

Slurred speech - A lot of people point out that Josh talks very slowly and slurred sometimes. Now, we never see what he sounds/talks like before he's off his meds, so it potentially could have been the same, but I think it's worth pointing out regardless.

Ataxia - A common symptom of ataxia is a lack of coordination and unbalanced movement. Josh walks with a limp; a lot of people notice this during the Psycho/Sam chase scene.

So this is all very interesting and something to take into consideration. The fanbase seems to accept Josh being schizophrenic as a fact, including me for a while, but this could prove otherwise. Of course, there's no definitive proof either way. He could be schizophrenic given the wrong medication. He could be depressed and suffering from horrible withdrawals. It's never stated specifically, but again, I think it's worth pointing out that a lot of the withdrawal symptoms are what Josh is going through in the game.

Honestly, I think both schizophrenia and medication withdrawals are important to portray in media, so I'm happy either way. I have several family members with schizophrenia and was even the caretaker for one of them at one point. It disgusts me that there's such a stigma around schizophrenia and people view anyone with this condition as a monster. So I like that, if Josh is schizophrenic, he can be portrayed in a sympathetic light. On the other hand, I've personally dealt with antidepressant withdrawals. Despite being on meds that were supposed to help my depression, I was still so insanely depressed and I just stopped taking them because I felt like they weren't helping me enough anyway. I don't think these feelings and actions are portrayed enough in media at all, so I'd like some representation of that as well.

I feel like I'll get some negative pushback for this post, but in no way is this supposed to be negative. It's literally just supposed to be informative and also, for me, it's a win-win because I have a personal connection to both options. And I'm sick and tired of ableism and it's nice to see some good representation either way.

[safe-haven-safe-place]

[sunrisethoughts02]

Every morning, I open my door

and stand in the grass, saying

This is a new day, and I am alive. Alive, alive, alive, and this is a Good Thing.

for I am hoping for the morning where I believe my own words.

I think it will be here soon.

[siecobaina]

you're not "better off alone," you're afraid of rejection and you're trying to protect yourself, even if you would vastly benefit from the support of others.

[prendi-fiato-e-ricomincia]

[dragubel]

Michael Cudlitz And Josh McDermitt

I LITERALLY LOVE THEM🥹🥹🥹

[theereina]

*currently dealing with this

[annapearlie]

I have a cold

- by me

[ineedfairypee]

If it’s uncomfortable to hear about imagine how it feels to experience it

[lucystark12]

i very very rarely listen to running up that hill but i am right now and it's just like holy shit YOU HAD TO BE THERE (weird reflection post that i just randomly started writing and couldn't stop for some reason about my depression lol that was supposed to be cute and lovey about my love for stranger things but ended up being really somber)

i didn't immediately watch season 4 when it came out on may 27th, because friday may 27th was the day that i came back from a week long class trip to the deep depths of northern washington (hell on earth, no mans land, if you will) and since my parents were out of town for my mom's 50th birthday, i was going straight to my best friend's house to stay over for the weekend. that i did. my best friend everly, whom i was staying with, always falls asleep really early, so at some point in the early hours of may 28th, probably around 1 am, i pulled out my phone and starting watching stranger things. i had spent the entire spring rewatching after all.

i got to where chrissy got possessed and immediately had to turn it off because i was in seventh grade and the bone cracking thing scared me to death (this was before i watched GOT for the first time, my tolerance for gore was not as high as it is now)

such began the first of many times where i'd neglect watching my favorite show for no reason. i did it with house of the dragon season 2 as well. so, a few days later i left everly's house and my grandma came to stay at my house with me while my parents were finishing out the rest of their trip.

at this point, the whole internet was already talking about running up that hill. it was that sunday when i decided i had to watch the show. who the fuck was i kidding? i loved stranger things. problem was, my grandma is and will always be the worst tv hog in the history of the world, so with a shitty disaster movie playing in the background, i put in one airpod and finally started watching stranger things season four.

this was a particularly rainy spring for portland, something that literally scarred me at the time because i was nearing the end of the worst depressive episode of my entire life, and the sun not being able to peek out of the trees like it had in late may last summer and every summer before that was something so insignificant yet something that really was sending me off the edge. i didn't realize how far off the edge i already was at the time. my other best friend had just started taking medication for her depression, which manifested very differently in ways that mine didn't. she was mad. she was resentful. between the few moments that she was the same laughing, loving girl i'd always known, she hated me and our other friends and hated herself more. my cousin likewise had depression so bad he couldn't get out of bed. he hadn't been to school in three months. i wasn't like that. i thought i was happy comparatively. i was diagnosed with OCD the year before and thought that was an explanation. it took getting a new therapist and unpacking my behavior back then to understand what was really happening. i never cried. when i did, it was violent. it came in bursts that lasted all afternoon. i started and i didn't stop until i fell asleep. i threw things, i refused to talk to anybody. i was failing math, which i've never done before. i couldn't understand a thing. i didn't even care to try. i hated myself. the only thing i ate was a bowl of craisins at school every day because i couldn't physically force myself to eat. i thought i was just tired even though i got ten hours of sleep every day. i was always exhausted. my therapist couldn't diagnose me because after years of being taught i had to be perfect, i refused to tell even her that there was something wrong. i thought i was stupid, i thought i was ugly, i thought i was worthless. i thought i was just experiencing what it's like to be twelve years old.

so, another rainy and overly misty sunday afternoon passed me by as i reached the ending of the fourth episode, and finally, the fated song that i'd been hearing all over tiktok and didn't quite understand yet started playing out of max's walkman. i watched the entire scene with my grandma barking questions at me about why i was tearing up.

running up that hill was my most played song of 2022, just ahead of africa by toto.

now i'm not going to say that stranger things brought me out of said depressive episode, because it didn't. the four months ahead of me were four of the hardest of my life still to this day, just as the six before them had already been. but i've grown a lot since then, and two years later when i was in spain alone, sick and crying, experiencing a little week long bout of similar feelings to the ones i felt when i first watched season four, the show weirdly managed to find me again.

the week before i had left to study abroad in spain i had learned that i got a B+ in math instead of an A- in math because my teacher wouldn't round up my 89.9%. it might seem trivial especially because a B+ is incredible process from the algebra i had nearly failed for the second time in the row the year before, but sometimes things like that can be enough to cause somebody to fall back into old habits and feelings. estranged from everybody and everything i'd turned into coping mechanisms for hard times like these when i was literally half the world away, i didn't know what to do. so, when i was in my dorm with food poisoning from a salad i'd eaten the night before, i decided to press on the byler analysis video that had popped up in my youtube feed. such began what i've been calling my "stranger things renaissance"- a second stranger things phase that's been going on since late june.

not to sound overly bylerish, but i've been seeing a lot of parallels between this summer and the summer season four came out. for reasons out of my control, i've been forced to spend a lot of time alone. this summer when i've started feeling lonely, i've taught myself that rather than overthink, to channel it into something else like writing, or doing something that will calm me down. now when i'm home alone and haven't seen a friend in a few days, i'm not sad anymore. i think "well damn" and then i move on with my night. i'm no longer depressed. with the help of my new therapist, i've gotten really close to growing out of my OCD. i no longer have to pray every night. i don't wake up in a cold sweat if i go to bed at 10:31 instead of a "perfect number" like 10:30 or 10:35. i rarely lock my bedroom door anymore. and no, it's not perfect yet. i'm not "cured"- i still have my crying episodes. i still have moments, even though they're few and far between now, where i feel the same way i did back when i was twelve.

but i'm moving on. things have shifted in my life. i've grown up and this show has with me. i started watching it on halloween of 2019 when i was in fifth grade and my friends and i did the "goodbye mike" trend in my basement. i watched the first three episodes that night and finished it for the first time during covid. it was with me through that hard time back in the day, and for some strange (haha) reason, it's with me now, and will probably continue to be with me until the show ends, because like as typically happens when i fall back into obsession with something i liked when i was a little younger, (the mcu, harry potter which remanifested in the marauders) it becomes more than a phase, but a part of me in some weird way.

stranger things may have its flaws and it might not end the way i wanted it to, but for the rest of my life it will be special to me regardless. i'm finally for the first time in my life older than the characters. i was seven when season one came out, eight when season two, ten during season three, 12-13 and season four, and will be 16 in season five.

so thanks, stranger things, for helping me, and thanks even more for showing her that there's nothing wrong with the many different aspects of her that she'd been led to believe were wrong. as corny as it sounds, she couldn't have done it without you 🫶

(say hi to baby lucy, because it's always more fun with pictures, and because depression can happen to anybody no matter what they might look or act like on the surface)

rip 2022 lucy, you would have loved the byler sunset pictures that you somehow would have found a way to relate to reddie and your best friend that you were highkey in love with. you also would have loved mike wheeler if i could explain who he really is to you because said in an EARLY analytical essay that "All I really gained from season four though was that I absolutely hate older Mike and that I wish he would’ve died instead of Max." in the same essay you say you wish you could throw mike of a cliff. oh the irony. (please laugh)

ps: if you ever find yourself feeling anything like what i described in this post, know that it gets better even if it seems like that's what everybody says and it seems like it never will. there were times back then when i didn't even know if i'd make it to the age i am right now, and now i'm at one of the happiest points ive ever been in my life. know that even if we've never talked before, i love you and i believe in you. my blog is always a safe place if anybody out there ever needs anybody to talk to.