#deleting my old about me makes me so sad
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hi !! i’m sam !! and uhhh that’s all u need to know but there’s more under the cut !!
(also im trying to make this aesthetic and cute but idrk how so if u have any tips pls pls pls !!)
yes i’m sad (secretly a dinosaur)
basic info
i’m sapphic of some sort and ace!!
i go pretty much by any pronouns atp but she and they are usually the best!! proud genderfuck ✊
i’m a minor. so please don’t be fucking weird.
i’m american (even worse, the midwest ���) unfortunately but literally as soon as i fucking can im booting it and moving to norway
i’m neurodivergent of some some sort
i play soccer (defense usually but i like offense more) and lacrosse (i just started so idek) currently but i also usually play volleyball but i missed the season sooo
i have a sideblog that is currently a confessions blog but it might change cus no one actually does it!! but if u would like to do a (general) confession then it is @just-a-little-lad4924
i have another sideblog that is for analysis’ !! i mostly do characters and songs but i’ll do pretty much anything (send me a request please please please please please) it’s @person-speaks
just general facts about me !
my personality type is INFP-T
i have 3 cats!! one at my dads, her name is graci (after gracie abrams ofc) and she’s about a year and a half, and 2 at my moms: regulus (guess who named him!! 😱) and libby and their siblings and are currently abt 3 months !! i could yap abt them forever i love them sm
my favorite color is dark green, fav season is fall, fav holiday is christmas or halloween, fav animal is cats or sharks or moths or jellyfish
i appreciate tone tags and try to use them as much as possible
im always bored so asks and everything are super duper cool !
i love love love making ananlysis' of basically anythng sooo if theres like a song or ship or something i could totallly write an essay abt it or smth !
uhhh idrk what else !!
fandoms AKA past hyperfixations that i’m still attached to but im not necessarily still in the fandom: harry potter (fuck jkr !!), MCU, KOTLC, marauders, boy meets world, it, osemanverse, paper girls, teen wolf, owl house, shameless, glee, stranger things, andi mack, tlou, riordanverse, brooklyn nine nine, new girl, hamilton, grishaverse, community, dawsons creek, bojack horseman, criminal minds, ted lasso, scooby doo, everything sucks!, the sun bearer trials, atypical, octonauts, dead boy detectives, will and grace, how i met your mother, the maze runner, descendants
uhhh can u tell i don’t have many friends.
fav movies (not counting fandoms): tick tick boom, my girl, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, little rascals, empire records, bottoms, nimona, little women, 500 days of summer, benny & joon, beautiful boy, call me by your name, lady bird, stand by me, RWRB, addams family values, the breakfast club, spiderman ITSV/ATSV, the outsiders, luca, the perks of being a wallflower, dead poets society, big daddy, the edge of seventeen
once again. i have very little friends. and very many issues.
fav music people (not always up to date i like new artists every day): gracie abrams, taylor swift, noah kahan, mitski, boygenuis, julien baker, phoebe bridgers, lucy dacus, hozier, the head and the heart, conan gray, RKS, queen. harry styles, the fray, olivia rodrigo, coldplay, billie eilish, maya hawke, bo burnham, chappell roan, the smiths, the revivalists, addriane lenker, lorde, fiona apple, alex g, ani defranca, radiohead, montell fish, lizzy mcalpine
just general interests: poetry, art, writing, sitcoms, stand up comedy, greek mythology, the sky (like the stars, moon, sun, etc. astronomy metaphors are my everything), moths, jelly fish, ocean animals in general (first special interest 💪💪), pretty much just animals in general, 90's movies, cinematography, bo burnham (i didnt know where eles to put him), annotating, musicals, actors, spider man
fav books (also not including fandoms): the perks of being a wallflower, the outsiders, i fell in love with hope, ill give you the sun, and more but i dont remember the names atm !
my fav ships (buckle in! i apologize.): wolfstar, jegulus, jily sometimes, pandalily, dorlene, rosekiller, drarry, jeric (bmw), reddie, charlie/nick, tara/darcy, tao/elle, lister/jimmy, pip/rooney, kajemac, sterek, isaac/stiles, malia/stiles, lumity, gallavich, ronance, solangelo, valdangelo, kinda percico, dianetti, wesper, kanej, trobed, joey/pacey, ralvez, spencer/ethan, kindaaa moreid, painland, newtmas, jaylos, harry/carlos (idk the ship name), robin/barney
i might have missed a few but these are My Guys. /gn
links!
spotify!! - my character playlists are my pride and joy and reason for living, i could write essays about how each song could specifically fit the character and situation. anyways!!
discord
airbuds - idk if anyone uses this but if u do add me!!
ao3 - i have 1 fic that is my fav thing ever (a camp halfblood group chat) and the other two... are there
pinterest
tiktok - this is my alt that i blocked all my friends on and i have like my fandom shit but i don’t post that much and im barely on tt to begin with but yeah !!
pronouns page
spotify stats - idk if anyone uses this but also yeah !!
i have a super duper cool discord server that u should totally join too… link
i have a tagging system
sam shut the fuck up - og posts
asks!!! - asks
crazy? i was crazy once - big lists and essay things
sam sings :O - lyric/music posts
it’s so hard to be a lizard… - any jokes i make because im literally bo burnham
art i need in my veins - self explanatory mostly for myself but everyone else should also see this
and i think thats it!! if anyone has any ideas of things to add then yeah !! or how to make it look prettier cusss uhhhh yeah.
oh yeah and this is an official @i-luv-multiple-ppl fan account so !!
and creds to @cafekitsune for the dividers!!
#sam shut the fuck up#asks!!!#sam sings :O#crazy? i was crazy once#deleting my old about me makes me so sad#im gonna miss it#it’s so hard to be a lizard…#art i need in my veins
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i love my pirate wife have i mentioned i lov my pirate wife
#shes so cool... .#the outfit change fucks#im so glad i chose her#it's making me sad i deleted potion permit i want 2 finish romancing Leano <//3#i forgot about the game until i found it while clearing out space n i chose dragon age over it#but now im sad LMAO#the gameplay gets a lil old but man... for pirate lady... id do anything#also i just noticed my hawk looks like she is plagued by a vision in this n i do not know why
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printed-out private fanfic collections my beloved
#that's it. that's the post#do I sometimes feel guilty for having a bunch of fic printed out? yeah. idk if it's morally grey or wrong or ok these days#it started out as necessity because I didn't have a computer of my own and reading queer fic wasn't sth you could be too open about#(though I guess using up my dad's scrap paper piles that had math equations on one side may not have been the most inconspicuous)#anyway. sometimes I'll remember a story and I know I will be able to find it because my idiot teen self printed it out and filed it away#and sometimes it turns out you can't find that fic on ao3 because it's ffnet only. and worse sometimes it no longer exists online at all#and that makes me sad. but knowing someone deleted it and I still have a bootleg copy makes me feel guilty#so I guess I'm just stuck in this dual state#I think it beats the lingering sadness of wanting to reread a very specific story that's ingrained in your very being..#..and finding there is not a trace of it anywhere online#like. I KNOW that I read a Myka/Claudia story that had them holed up in a cabin somewhere hiding from some terrifying dude of sorts#(not that I remember the details) I just remember there being a lake and it being the story that got me into WH13#which.. was a fucking blessing. and I searched all of the place for that story years later#went through most of the Myka/Claudia fic and yet never found it again. and nobody I asked remembered it either#so maybe I dreamed it up? but I kinda doubt it. ANYWAY sometimes a fic filed away in an old folder is what saves your sanity
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ok i watxhed a video of someone picking all the mean options on the first day of the game and everyone is in yhe comments like "nooo hes so cute it hurts me to see him sad 😢😢😢"
POST CANCELLED I JUST FOUND THE EMO/GOTH DESIGN OF HIM I CANT.
#EVERYGTING ABOUT HIM MAKES ME LAUGH SO MUCH😭😭😭😭😭😭#txt#i was trying to find a sprite of him sad☹️#i miss when yb was super popular its so funnt#I MISS MY#OLD MUTUAL😭😭😭😭😭#i regret deleting my first account so bad
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22 isn't very much at all, I think.
#5am rambles#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out#first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay#cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope#i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.
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Y’all…. Serious PSA: if you are a writer, artist, or contribute to fandom in any way, and you get interaction on your posts like tag screaming or comments…
Take a fucking picture of it if you want to be able to look back on it fondly in the future.
Because I’m looking at my old fics and old Touch chapters and between people deleting their blogs or changing usernames, for at least half of them, my comment responses are now talking to a void. Those comments/reblogs are completely gone now, wiped from existence except for my memory of them and my comments of gratitude. It’s honestly so, so sad. It leaves this emptiness where a person used to be. It really drives home the impermanence of tumblr fandoms.
So if you get a comment/reaction that makes you laugh or get warm fuzzies, take a picture of it. For yourself. Like a little digital photo album.
#arvandus rambles#it really does make me so sad#I see how this might be a good feature for some#who want to completely wipe the board clean#for safety or mental health#but damn does it fucking suck#this is one thing I like more about fan fiction websites like AO3.#and ff.net from back in the day#I can still go back there and read old comments on my stories#and think of those people fondly.#I hope everyone who’s deleted their blog/left tumblr are doing okay#truly
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Why do some milgran songs make me so unreasonably sad
#i look at the lyrics and go “oh. concerning” bt also like. auhfjsbsu#this is about both of shidous songs and generally kazuis whole deal#id say purgemarxh but i. dknt listen to it (bell sound hirts my ears) magic can make me sad every nownthen tho#like ahT the fuck why do the old men make me the saddest. waht the fkck#sand speaks#misssplelling is somwhat purposeful i dont want this in the tags but like. also im eepy#it may be like 3 in the afternoon but im eepy ok#and im listening to triagenthrowdown on looop#probably deleting this later ahajaksb#someone tell me im not just tired n emotional thses songs can be so. concerning and sad#oh context im looping songs to write translyrics for myself#if i get a good mic ill record em as covers maybe. prolly not
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idk how to reconcile my new self with my old self. also i fucking hate waiting. GRAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#delete later#im getting a taste of my own medicine bc when im overwhelmed depressed etc i don’t even open emails or dms or whatever and then ifeel guilty#and let them build up and run away from them and literally do not reply for years. but ive been waiting for like 5 different but related#replies for 3ish days at this point and im soooooo impatient omg i want to bash my head into the wall.. and afaik no one i messaged has#opened the message despite being active online elsewhere which is EXACTLY what i do so i have no right to complain at all. but still. omggg#i just have a simple question (me and the ps5 voice) reply to my message boy#purrs#also.. ok yeah im gonna be honest about it even if there are consequences lol. idk why im on such a mission to get back all my old#characters but if i don’t i can and will go crazy. i don’t even do that kind of thing anymore and d*viantart is an irreversibly warped#landscape due in part to capitalism and in part to own mistakes and selfish actions. and i truly feel like my tumblr mutuals are the only#ones who understand me and feel safe and cozy on here. but i miss my old internet home. and i really miss my old internet friends and seeing#all the jokes we had and how we were all like interconnected w the same adopt groups and stuff and now we don’t even talk… it makes me so#sad and i feel weird messaging them just for the purpose of asking if they can give me back characters i gave them 4 years ago like a) you j#just don’t do that kind of thing i don’t think but b) it feels so transactional and would make the part of saying hey our friendship was#important to me when i was a teenager and even though we don’t talk anymore i think of you fondly and wish you well. like lollllll. and i#feel cringe even tracking them down / messaging them bc we are all jn our 20s now… embarrassing. but i am so mad at myself for letting those#friendships wither (not that i have the spoons to sustain them these days anyway but still) and for not keeping bettr track of my characters#when i sold them and for giving them up in the first place and for letting my old internet life just fall apart due to neglect bc it puts me#in a bind to try to piece it together again no matter how i try it and i shouldn’t try anyway. but i am so tempted to rn. lol#* itd make saying stuff abt appreciating friendship weird bc there’s a transaction tied in (source: i did this and feel weird and bad)#like the way i want to SCREAM seeing that dA ate all of the journals i made when i was a 14 year old and turned them into glitched polls. th#the way the wayback machine has terrible unreliable records of everything and i can never get some stuff back / track some stuff down. pain#anyways it’s stupid bc i feel cozy and listened to and as connected as i have the energy to be to all of u guys so why am i doing this. but#i miss the dA stuff too and i wish it wasn’t cringe and i wish i could have everything that’s ever been part of me all in one place. lol#also this doesn’t even take into account my poetry community on dA on my other account who i also felt so safe and cozy with and i abandoned#that too and lost touch with basically everyone even though we all knew each others deepest secrets for years.. the heartsickness of it all#anyways mutuals who knew me on deviantart i am clutching both your hands with impassioned urgency and kissing u on the cheeks. that’s all
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it’s kinda silly how easily people you’ve known and loved all your life and who have known and loved you can forget all about you
#i’m being salty but honestly my heart just hurts#and i’m sure i’ll be fine in the morning but it kinda sucks when someone you’ve known literally all your life#like. born together grew up together. forgets about you#and it’s so stupid it’s SO stupid it’s literally just like.#my group of friends who i have known since i was five were all together and said they would call me and didn’t#together without me since we’re all in different states now for college and they happened to meet up during break#and they didn’t call and when i asked how their lunch was the response was#you didn’t miss anything#i miss YALL#and i don’t think i’m ever really missed which is just. yeah#imagine being 22 years old and never making an impact on anyone enough for them to miss you hah#anyways yes. being sad i will stop now#delete later#moon babbles
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bruh
#do i even know? probably not#god its taking so long to get healthy#also i just... cant fucking feel comfortable ranting in the tags on here because of a particular follower that makes me uncomfortable 🤣#cant unfollow them i know them in real life#but i makes me very uncomfy how they watch my blog 🤣#like i wanted to get in here and rant about the struggles me and bae are having (not with each other lmao)#and like my illnesses that are fucking keeping me foggy and sick#but im thinking about one person. who i never see and dont have to at all if i dont want to#and i have quite a few other followers from real life! and i am happy to see every single note!#but this particular person. is such a miserable experience for me#i refuse to be mean to them. it wouldnt be worth the psychic damage#but fuck they make me sad#they talk over everyone and are such a fucking know it all#like an old friend can try to ask me about the city that I currently live in? and have?? for nearly 6 years now?? and THEY answer over me??#like bruh#also i have personal issues with being disrespected or ignored when im speaking; namely due to that being the default of my existence#until around 22#i think about deleting my blog or renaming it but#i like nexttothelamp and i like this blog#idk maybe by the time im 30 ill have the guts to block them 😅#but yunno what? this felt better#yunno my therapist has told me this over and over and over#but lmao i guess it still bears repeating#externalise that internal struggle. even if the thoughts are small and petty and dont feel like thwyre worth your time#write it down#then read it. or burn it. rip it up or eat it it doesnt matter 🤣#damn this DID make me feel better#get that petty bs out of my body and let it dissipate into nothing~#lmao i wanna bitch more and get more specific but even they arent that clueless#id say delete later but i wont
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Truly the José Ferrer version of Cyrano de Bergerac is the best by far because by the end of the film he has you convinced he's the most attractive man ever, even if he still doesn't believe it, and that is at the core of what the play is about
#Le Bret at first‚ Christian later on but quite soon and Roxane by the end but much earlier with Christian convinced his looks don't matter#and that his nose is not so ugly or grotesque to make him unlovable‚ not even hard to love#but he dies convinced he can't be loved because unlike the princes in fairytale he remains himself#and his ugliness doesn't disappear when being loved#Le Bret is frustrated about this even before he is on stage!!! I love the scene with the seller girl on Act I#I love that they included it in this adaptation#And I love that Le Bret scoffs when Cyrano tells him he can't confess his love due to his looks in this version#Anyway... Cyrano being a bit shitty in this version and helping Rageneau because otherwise the bakery won't be open#is very funny and also adorable to me in the gesture he makes I can't help it#As it is that he just totally forgets about Ragueneau by the end of the act. I adore that Le Bret tries to go help him#but only when he considers Cyrano is in trouble. I love how well Le Bret manages his pride#And I love that at the beginning of act II in this adaptation Cyrano is anxious about Roxane changing her mind and Ragueneau comforts him#I can't with the duality of this man I adore him. I want to hug him like a plushie. I want to put him in a blender and drink him like juice#Cyrano#Cyrano de Bergerac#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later#José Ferrer is also the best at managing the anger/fun/sad emotions in my opinion. Depardieu is too sad. Kline is too funny#Dinklage is no fun at all and the Jacques Webber version is also too sad. There's another version where the actor was no fun at all either#and definitely too old. The Solès version manages this dance of emotivity quite decently as well in my opinion#but I just prefer Ferrer most of the time. He is dignified and fun and frustrated and confident‚#so very angry but also loving and self-conscious and a bit bashful at times#And what a voice. What a voice. Truly the best Cyrano's voice of them all. It is important in the play but until I started watching#different versions I didn't truly process just how important the voice is and Ferrer has that velvety growl that is so perfect for this#Oh Mcavoy. I forgot about him. He had potential but I think he is a tad too sad for my liking and mainly not fun enough#but I think it's a problem of the production more than the actor's delivery. He had it in him. We see glimpses#I'm missing some others but meh it doesn't matter
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⁺ ⛧ ﹒ jurgen leitner ? — ˚ 🕯️ ⌢
“ stupid idiot motherfucking jurgen leitner god damn fool book collecting , dust eating , rat old bastard , shithead , idiot , avatar of the whore - ”
＞＜���six , sixxol , sol , uc , cryptid﹐🦇
🕯️﹐any / all + 17 + aroapl + abro ﹐★
﹑likes - tma , homestuck , lego monkie kid , persona series , drawing , figure skating , fanfiction﹒⟡﹒⤿
⛧ ﹔🥀﹒dislikes - bigots , wasps , needles﹐ıllı
！About you/info - pls save me from the self - inflicted suffering that is called “ drawing my characters reference sheet “﹒🪦
” - biggest clown in the circus , laughed out of town , cowboy motherfucking jurgen leitner ”
#intro post#tags are stupid#stop pinning me when i talk about jurgen leitner i hate him so much why does he have so many fucked up books ?#why did he decide to fuck around and find out just to set them loose#is he dead is he a bastard man has such a visceral affect on me not even in the room never seen this mans face and i know he has the worlds#shittiest beard get away from me#if i wanted to get into heaven and god said jurgen leitners waiting inside i would piss on gods feet for the sole purpose of getting sent#back down#if i have to deal with jurgen leitner speaking one word in person on voice in podcast not only will i close the tab i will delete my#bookmark out of spite and have to rewatch the entire series again for the purpose of being able to skip all the times when he is mentioned#or alive#i dont even know why i hate him so much. he collects books but i am just mad because i am angy#he better have some fucked up backstory to explain this if hes just some rich shithead whos a fan of creepypasta and wanted the irl version#ill go ham#better have had a book make him kill a man because if he didnt im going to make him#paypal dot com slash i fucking hate jurgen leitner#episodes not even about him. vaguely mentioned what is supposed to maybe be in his library and i fuckibg lost it#where the fuck is jurgen leinter if hes still alive im going to so deeply wish he wasnt#crusty old man#ill punch leitner and his sad frail old man twig bones will simply flake apart under my epic huge meat fist and he will disintegrate until#all thats left is one final book he kept on him simply titled Now You Fucked Up in ancient yiddish#im not breathing im hyperventilating at this point#i hope theres a date given for when jurgen died or will die so i can make it a reminder on my phone#every day once a year i will see it and do anything but pay respects to the man who had so many fucked up if true books#holy fuck i just hand typed the entire leitner rant /srs#thank you for coming to my ted talk
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i love christian lee hutson so unbelievably much but his music makes me so suicidal ive fully had to stop listening to him
#i literally sob every time i hear one of his songs that isnt like. get the old band back together#i wrote rubberneckers to finish off that sentence and deleted it bc even rubberneckers makes me cry#it’s bc im getting better#before i started my current antidepressants he was one of my top artists#i would still listen to him every single day of my life if i could but im not mentally strong enough for that#like bffr if im breaking down to rubberneckers my ass is NOT going to make it through keep you down or god forbid age difference#i get so sad whenever i think about it bc i love him and his music and artistry more than i could ever comprehend#but i turn into a sobbing wreck whenever i listen to any of his songs and then feel existential for hours afterwards#so for the sake of my own mental wellbeing i try not to listen to him as much anymore#no other artist does this to me not even phoebe or conan#it’s a curse truly#christian lee hutson i love you#and i don’t want you to change even if it means i cannot listen to a single thing you sing#will just resign myself to occasional listening parties whenever something big and emotional happens in my life like tonight#the most underrated artist in existence#if clh has 0 fans then i am dead#christian lee hutson#tilda rambling
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#tate.txf#vent post#vent#tw vent#listening to so long london right now and fuck. fuck!#i remember hearing it the first time and realizing i was Not as healed as i thought i was.#while my relation to it isn't through a relationship-technically-it IS about the girl who groomed the fuck out of me at 13 years old ❤️#i was friends with her for three years and jesus fucking christ. she fucked me up in ways i'm still reeling from.#i took care of her-this grown ass adult-through everything. things no kid should be hearing about.#i was fourteen and not sleeping. when i did she would threaten to off herself because i wasn't replying.#i went HOUSE HUNTING for her. i was looking into odd jobs because i thought she needed my help.#when i finally took a mental health break after three years of carrying her sadness like a weight#she called me a monster. i was sixteen years old and watching someone who swore they loved me say the most horrible#god awful things. things i wouldn't say to the person i hated.#i had so many panic attacks over her. i would get in trouble because of how hard i fought to be there for her. i was a kid.#carrying a sadness that became my own purely because she deemed me vulnerable enough to carry the weight.#it's been years#and i am finally so. so. so angry.#i'm finally the age she was when she groomed me and i just. i don't understand. i don't understand how you can do that to a child.#im pissed off she let me give her that youth for free. im just getting color back into my face. she deserves prison but she won't get time.#i'm so angry after all this time. i wish her well. i hate her. i'm hurting. i don't understand any of it.#why was it my job to carry her up the hill? how much sadness did she think i had in me prior to her entry into my life?#i'm still afraid to talk to people. to make friends. to respond to my existing friends.#because i didn't know it was coming with her.#for a while there i'd believed i could forgive her. now i know i don't owe her that.#i am just getting color back into my face. i am mad as hell because i gave up my youth for someone who couldn't care less at the end.#oh the tragedy.#to delete#just had to finally say it somewhere.
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STILL wide awake! i did not put down my phone! and now im hungry. so i will not be sleeping tonight ♥️
#purrs#also… im gonna admit it. ive been up for hours cleaning out… my toyhouse accounts. not cleaning them out but cleaning them up. and im so#FUCKING mad at my 18 year old self for giving away characters that meant so much to me to 12 year olds on warriors amino who never finished#their half of the art trade… and now so many of them are like. completely out of my reach and i can never get them back. im trying to ask#for the characters ive been able to find and track them down. which for ppl who actually love and care for them im sure is predatory and#annoying bc it’s like ok you made that choice so live with it. but im so fucking mad at myself and i wish i could undo it. i know it doesn’t#matter bc i don’t do that kind of deviantart stuff anymore but like.. i gave away characters who were so special to me growing up and now so#many of them are like.. on locked / unauthorized toyhouses or deleted or the person already owns them and is never trading them and#imjust so SAD!!!!!! over pixels i know. PULLING AN ALL NIGHTER over pixels. but im so saddddd aughhhhh#delete later#(i also did clean out photos and do practice drivers tests btw. but ive mostly been doing toyhouse stuff)#also im so sad and angry charahub went down and i didn’t even know it and i can’t access my data at allll like so much precious info#on there is gone forever. pain and suffering. also it’s worth naming im not in this to like have the best most expensive whatever designs im#doing this bc i desperately want to salvage every piece of my childhood / adolescence and never let go of anything in my life ever and when#i was 18 i thought i could run away from deeply permanently hurting and betraying a friend by selling all of my characters starting w the#ones they made me and then branching off into baiscally all of them to not make it look like it was just abt them bc i couldn’t bear to be#reminded of what i had done. and now i live with the consequences. in more ways than just the characters obviously. so there’s that#(i had my reasons for doing what i had to do btw. but i will never stop feeling guilty about it or regretting how it must have felt for them#bc we were like best friends and then i turned cold and awful because i didn’t know how to communicate my needs so instead i just shut them#out and didn’t even have the decency to explain why. and it fucking sucked that i did that. lol)#* and still sucks. and i think abt it all the time and try not to talk about it for a lot of reasons but here i am so. lol
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Every now and then I get haunted by my past as a dr fan because someone mentions it or smth and lemme tell you the worst case scenario is if they bring up v3 in an even slightly positive light because nothing will make me start giving a shit abt dr again except for my burning hatred of that damn game, I just spent like 30 minutes ranting to myself about how much of a nothing character Kokichi is in the bathroom after showering just to vent it out because if I don't rant abt v3 every now and then I'll explode and kill someone
#rat rambles#like I generally think I had a lot of dogshit takes and sucked ass at au making and character analysis back in my dr days#but like I still stand by most of my gripes with v3 even if my old rewrite concepts also sucked#look man those were dark times my previous main interest was cr and the one before that was hs#also I had never actually posted about my thoughts before so I was a bit trigger happy with saying shit with my full chest#Im still prone to having bad takes on things to be clear even with oni I had a lot of bad takes when I first got into it#tbf I was mostly trying to talk myself down from going deeper but I evidently failed. hard.#but yeah I should delete my old fandom blog became every day I see my old dr posts get notes and I die a bit more#oh wait one dr rewrite thing I still stand by is my humam chiaki shit I was onto smth#like I still agree human chiaki should have never existed but I also think her existing as an individual who was wildly different from#ai chiaki is deeply interesting and also leaves space for some fun fucked up tragedy shit for both chiaki's#like I still like a lot of my old ideas for my rewrite of that stuff especially likey characterization was off for most of the cast but I#was cooking with the basic concepts and narrative I <3 taking characters that ppl idolize post their death and shifting the narrative to#show that they weren't a hero nor could they ever have been they were just some guy who went through horrible shit and died miserable#its one of my favorite things to do in fiction even now so ofc Im still fond of my older stuff with it on some level#like mannn why did I have to go so hard on what ultimately amounted to an au character and proceed to drop the ball on everything else lol#anyways I need to sleep before I start talking abt chiaki more yall dont need to see that <3#I mean hey could be worse. I could start talking abt my old cr stuff. we'd be here for at least a week straight#my old cr stuff was mostly actually pretty good it simply makes me sad because I put so much work and effort and made some fantastic#pieces of worldbuilding and character concepts for a mobile cookie game that sucks absolute ass#I ofc will still happily recycle concepts from my old cr stuff but like so much of it is just impossible to remove from context its so sad#ok ok gn for realsies this time
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