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SCENE FROM CHAPTER 6 OF A TALE OF SPIRITS by @unorthodoxx-page.
Check out the fic cause I promise it’s worth your time, my first impressions of it were like “wtf how is this so good?!”
took some time given I’m preparing for college at the moment and way underestimated how my almost 2 year art break affected my digital skills but now that I’m back I’m just PUMPED to get back into it. Might do some other scenes in the future who knows (send recs and I might just be tempted to do other scenes and fics).
Beware they may be simpler than this tho cause wtf even is coloring and backgrounds? Give me my pure sketchy goodness
(segue into my messy sketch. idk man I just like seeing artists being messy and not giving a fuck about ‘clean’ art)
#rottmnt#Rise of the Teenage Mutant Turtles#avatar the last airbender#a tale of spirits#fanfic art#fanart#okay look I know some details are off like the position donnie descends and the fire nation boots/shoes#but look#you seriously telling me those mutant turtle toes of his are fitting in those god awful shoes?#have you seen how fitted those things are? no way jose#I wasn't putting my boy donnie inside those for my first attempt at drawing him#also the arm screen thing is mostly a pre-movie thing I know#I have no excuse for that one I just sketched him based on how he looked in the series since I had more references that way#and halfway through I realised 'wait fuck this is post-movie and movie donnie has those cool black wrappings not this purple stuff'#so I just kinda... colored it black and said it looked good enough? yeah let's just say that in my headcannon donnie got his arm screen back#flawless logic#damn I suck at this tagging stuff#donnie rottmnt#rottmnt donatello#avatar gaang#yeah that ough to do it#welp it's midnight so g'night everybody
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kinda thinking about how the women who serve as maternal figures/raise kids in yyh are never quite ready for it. genkai's an arguable exception, but like.. atsuko had yusuke at 15, shizuru's basically in charge of kazuma full time in her early 20s/late teens (depending on version) with very very absent parents, and even shiori is given a kid she wasn't expecting, in the form of an old, old demon rather than like. a regular, blank slate ass human baby. and although shiori seems to do quite well with kurama, kurama can never be honest with shiori about who he is, or much of what he's seen. if he was, it'd probably make things far more complicated and overwhelming. atsuko, no matter how much she cares for yusuke, Could Not Have Been and thus wasn't ready to have him at 15. her attempts to make the most of that situation have had middling success at best. shizuru has also been placed into a parental role. we don't really know how long she's been raising kuwabara, but that's.. probably still parentification anyway. she shouldn't have to do that, and she shouldn't have to do that so young. and i think some of her coarseness with kuwa is out of frustration with her own inexperience + inadequacy + uncertainty, his not cooperating, and their parents for putting this on her in the first place. the ones who know the full extent of their situation grow desperate and it squeaks out in unpleasant ways, and the one who seems unbothered by it is the only one who has no idea that she's in way over her head. and i mean. ok. gonna preface this by saying keiko is NOT yusuke's mom in any sense of the word. but she does take care of him in a way atsuko couldn't manage to. she's often looking after him and cleaning up after his messes and stuff. she takes him on as a responsibility, and that is, in a way, a caretaker role. not to say that it SHOULD be her responsibility, but it's how she ends up being.
and when the stress of trying to make someone take care of themselves or be kind or good or Whatever goes awry, again, the violence and arguing and distance and ugliness of caring for someone reveals itself.
and i wonder about that. for a series dedicated to physical fighting as a form of communication, what does it say that this extends to the complicated, quietly desperate situations of so many of the women/girls it depicts, whom our more central characters were shaped and raised by?
hell, even hiei touches on this, because hina loved hiei, but there was no way she was prepared for him, obviously, nor for the pain of losing him. rui (whom i also see as a sort of caretaker figure to hiei, inasmuch as either of them were caretakers) literally throws him off a cliff because she couldn't face down the village elders, and out of some mixture of care for hina and, likely, fear for her own survival. and the guilt and pain of that killed hina and deeply wounded rui.
it's like motherhood, this thing that's so often treated as sacred and beautiful, is a kind of stitched up, painful, eggshell-walking thing that hurts parent and child and it's just. oughh
#genuinely begging for discussion on this bc im too tired to think about it anymore but i think it's cool#yyh#yu yu hakusho#also apologies if any of the atsuko stuff's iffy im anime-only </3 i skimmed the wiki but. it's the wiki so grain of salt#atsuko urameshi#shizuru kuwabara#shiori minamino#keiko yukimura#genkai#yyh meta#<- i never tag stuff w that but i probably should..#this is making me a little emo about all of them but on the side more quietly kurama bc like. bro he loves his mom so much and he can't tel#her ANYTHING. houghhh she will never ever know him she will live and die within his lifetime and not know any of the big beautiful terrible#life of his that she's missed. god that fucking sucks dude wait#anyway something that's only grown in importance to me is how prickly the relationships in yyh can be. like damn they do love each other#and it's even mostly a good thing. but sometimes that means you're shitty to each other. sometimes you're not great at it yk#and the characters therein are complicated and flawed without feeling like it's a huge focus. like plenty of media go here's these fucked u#guys look at how they scuttle and that's cool fr but with yyh it feels so subtle and gentle and real. it's so personal and human and i love#it. even when it means hiei doesn't reunite with the gang at the end or when genkai never tells yusuke what he means to her#y'know? that stuff used to hurt me and now it hurts me in a good touching 'god i love people' kinda way. yeah
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THIRTY MINUTES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#i mean technically still 1+ hour for me given i have to download it lol :/ pc players stay losing :/#tay plays datv#GOD. I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT < IS A TAG THAT I WILL SOON BE USING. FINALLY. AFTER ALL THESE YEARS#i probs wont liveblog too much tbh but def filter it if u dont wanna see the odd post from me#also EVERYTHING will be tagged datv spoilers and i MEAN everything lol i am NOT playing w these spoilers and i hope nobody else is either <#ill probs put stuff under readmores just to be safe too#MAN. MAN...... ik fandom kind of sucks in general and as a rule but damn. who and where would i be without the da community#and all the friends ive made through this game. all of the moots <3 this blog <3 i truly cant even imagine lol#im so glad to be sharing in the excitement with all of u . even tho we'll all be going dark soon to enjoy it on our own#LOVE U ALL <3 HAVE FUN BABES <3
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me when im in a introducing myself contest circa october 1973 and my opponent is steve miller
#p2#joker persona 2 innocent sin#jjba#giorno giovanna#ac#flash animal crossing#<- his french name is maurice. apparently dude wasnt in any game after the gc one which is a shame he looks fun#cowboy bebop#spike spiegel#muffin mumbles#thats the best caption i got ok. im falling asleep i had to think so damn hard aboyt that and it sucks LOL#im sorry cowboy bebop fans ive been meaning to watch it for years and i still havent...... i feel like Evil posting in your tags....#like wtf im not supposed to be here. this is not my beautiful house! this is not my beautiful wife!!#oh i guess i should tag it w the band. sorry to classic rock enthusiasts if ur seeing this in your tags TT_TT#steve miller band#but im a fake fan i havent heard most of millers stuff does he evem have stuff outside his band idk !!!!#but hit steve miller band song ''the joker'' (1973) is always looping in my head. inedd to stop typing snd send the damn post#so i can sleep!!!!! aaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my final message: really love your peaches wanna shake your tree. GOODBY E
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“Blah blah blah I want marvelous to change things up little! Blah blah I don’t want them to go back to what it used to be. Blah blah sdv was made by one person and I put in more hours into that game than I did with rune factory 4 and story of seasons ever did!”
Good, go play that game instead of whining about sos/rf games not being like it on the fucking sos/hm/rf forum for the 100th time. Not everyone likes that game (I hated every single thing about sdv) and wants sos/rf to be exactly like that game.
I know I say this many times before but I will say it again. Sos: poot did change everything up and guess what? Everyone in the community hated that game. So much that they are worried that the next game is just like it. The last thing this company needs is to further alienate their audience by taking out and changing things that made them love the franchise.
#mine#anti sdv#anti sdv stans#I am so fucking sick of them talking about this fucking game on fourms all the time#and saying how the sos and rune factory games suck in comparison and need to catch up#like shut up#go play that fucking game or go whine about it in the forums for that game!#you got exactly what you wanted in poot which I found to be as boring as sdv#and everyone hated it#look I wish the games would do what they did before and change things up#and keep the stuff that people like but this sdv whining by it’s Stans in sos forums are so annoying#maybe because I got burned by them and I played that stupid game because they won’t shut up about it in the forums#and was so disappointed and angry that I wasted my time on this game#they are like mcu stans and I know they will never be happy with the product no matter what they do#like just go play sdv and shut the fuck up already#instead of saying how that clunky bland game is so much better than this game on that game’s forum!#rant post#damn I’m so annoyed and mad#if you actually read through these tags then congrats#also I know if I talk shit about that game on there the stans would whine that it’s made by one guy#like that isn’t a huge flaw with that game itself#story of seasons#rune factory#harvest Moon#before the split#bokumono
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hey guys
#vent#just... gimmie a sec im gonna put it in the tags i cant find the readmore on my phone rn#im havin a straight up not good time but not the worst in the house!#the worst is my cat. whose old and dying. and i have no money to put to sleep to fuckin put us both outta this misery#typical. she cant get a heart attack and go fast like my moms dog#shes gotta wail and be ill for a month while im recovering from one surgery and trying to get ready for the next#its also an amazing time for my ocd that i learned i have from artists on hear explaining what it is to send me into spirals#over germs. but shes just 20 with teeth and respiratory issues her whole life and been struggling with constipation#so i KNOW how shes dying. shes backed up and hungry and dehydrated but feeling bloated still and not eating or drinking.#shes probably got arthritis and has been moving like a geriatric for a while but its to the point now she wont even lay down. shes just#perched on a pile of towels in the bathroom dozing and occasionally crying for me to come pet her. im so fuckin tired#and theres nothing i can do! the vet i could find a timeslot for in a reasonable time said 500$. so thats cool. im paying 1000$ for me in#a week for my stuff and its just. god all she and i are doing is crying and it sucks ass#she wants company for comfort and i dont blame her - so the fuck do i!#but i cant sit in the bathroom with her my damn legs keep going numb. and my roomate 1) cant emotionally buoy me thru this#and 2) has a long work day tomorrow and its already mad late. sigh#dont try to offer me condolences ive worked thru her dying already its just now we're botb exhausted in the form its taking#if anything i just need another distraction to keep me from spiraling over something again#edit: ARUGH AND THE OTHER CAT THROWING UP IN THE OTHER ROOM. GOD DAMN IT#the younger one has so many allergies and wont stop fucking eating things off the floor babygirl i am BEDRIDDEN you gotta stop eating shit#off the floor!!!!!!!! you have specialty food for a reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#awesome it was right in my bed
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POV you get kidnapped at BellTech so you call your good friend William Wisp to help you
#get him some brown contacts NOW#bro stop fucking LOOKING DAMN#also I’m so fuvking happy with this like holy shit dude I love the details and stuff like#I wanted to add more to the jacket but I couldn’t figure out what so#alright tag time wahoo#prime defenders#pd spoilers#<sorta ig I mean it’s not THAT specific but it’s up there#william wisp#k I can’t tag any more I’m getting anxious yippee#love interacting in fandom spaces yay yippee it’s so fun I don’t get anxious about it at all#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#also I couldn’t figure out what to do for the words so I just wrote them sry if it sucks lmao
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And maybe you'll be like "but if you don't trust businesses, how can you trust welfare?"
I fucking don't. My mom trying to get on food stamps fucked me up because a lady I never met without my permission got my SSN from my mom and started editing my files. My heart still races to this very second whenever I think about it, it kinda messed me up bad and I'll never ever ever see any kind of recourse
And I'm terrified that I'm gonna lose my medicaid just cause I inherited some money from my grandpa
And I've never even applied for disability cause it kinda doesn't matter finding out if I'd qualify or not cause of my depression, when the rules are so restrictive I don't know if I've even be allowed to keep my house
I do not fucking trust these things on a personal level. I feel like out of a lot of people I have the most to fear from them cause I'm on the edge of having things work, and that gets you punished
...but I need medicaid in order to have insurance (and when you strip out the finance side of medicaid, I love medicaid... they're honestly incredible insurance... I just... I just... dental is like 90% of why medicaid is so important to me, ever since I found out this state pays for it I've actually been able to do cleanings which is important to me cause I can't always get myself to brush)
And I think things like disability and food stamps are pretty damn important on a personal level, and honestly are also good for the economy cause they get people spending... it's practically a free cash infusion into the economy, cause these are people who need to buy stuff
There's just so much important stuff welfare does that it's worth dealing with government
No, what I want is more accountability so if someone gets my SSN from a 3rd party like my mom they're held to HIPPA styles standards where that's not ok to access my files without my permission (She changed my fucking address and tried to get medicaid to investigate me for fraud! Never even met me)
Like have some accountability there and in every situation
Secondly I want less punitive focused rules. I'd frankly prefer bezos get on disability than smack down some poor sod cause they got $2000 in the bank or cause their friend lets them live with them for free
If there's gonna be a cut off on these programs, it needs to be a solid step above the poverty line, cause... by definition I assume poverty line denotes kinda the minimum expected income people can reasonably live off of, and if you take away benefits people are gonna lose a chunk of money to covering that stuff themself, so you need a buffer before you kick people off
I don't fucking trust the government for a second, I've actively been fucked by them and on a personal level I avoid everything but medicaid and only that cause everything but the money is pleasant to deal with and I kinda need it (honestly if I was rich I'm not even kidding that I'd rather give medicaid like $400 a month than some insurance company, I sincerely like them as insurance)
But I'd trust them a lot more if they were less punitive, less out to hunt me down and gut me cause someone handed me a fiver or cause I started to get on my feet, and if government employees had concrete rules they had to follow that were actually transparent and enforced
Like 90% of my problems with welfare go away if they're held accountable and there's less "catch the welfare cheats" mentality going around
I don't trust the government in the slightest, but sadly there some jobs it kinda has to do, so I'd just rather force it to be an open book where the public can keep an eye on it and if they step out of line there's consequences (sort of like I don't trust most mega corps but happen to sometimes need stuff from them... did you know literally every cell service provider has been illegally selling shit like your location data to random people like bounty hunters, and the FCC just slapped them with a fine that's 0.02% of their yearly incomes and debated even doing that? I even can offer a source on that)
...I don't trust much of any authority cause they constantly fail me and kinda screw me. Don't trust doctors either, but I still gotta go to them, you know? ...they're just... they're real bad at listening... so many systems need systemic change
(You know who I really don't trust is the cops. I could point to so many examples. My uncle doesn't trust cops either, and he's an ex Fire and SWAT paramedic, he worked with them and we still got into a long conversation where he basically tore into them far better than I can)
(I don't trust authority that's not accountable)
#anyway; if I'm a lousy cheat or whatever least they can do is give me a gun so I can solve that problem#shit makes me wish I was canadian so I could take advantage of their sick implementation of assisted suicide#what should be a system that gives people a choice about the quality of their life; and I don't think should be relegated to terminal illne#...there was... think he was dutch; had been burned by his girlfriend all over his body; was in constant pain#and he ended up using assisted suicide in the end cause he was just in constant agony... think that's his choice to make#but of course the canadian system concretely pushes people; mostly the poor and disabled; to kill themselves#not theoretically; as in literally says word for word to them 'you should really kill yourself; just sign here'#it's sick; it truly is#but for any americans that want to dunk on it; I'm telling you we're no better#we have the exact same miserable desperation and people (again; mostly poor and disabled) into despair#only difference is we don't offer assisted suicide#the underlying issues in the US and canada are so damn similar; so much of what's happening ends up being the same#you can't act smug just cause you only make people want to die instead of also offering to help#that's like saying that you're the good guy cause while you did everything you could to drive someone to the brink#get them fired; slash their tires; just cartoon level villain stuff to personally harass this person... at least you won't hand them rope#we have such similar systemic issues to canada; and I am explicitly telling you that like the people in canada that have said#'I can't take it anymore; disability doesn't cover my expenses and I can't get any help... I'm at my wits end so I'm gonna go die'#I'm telling you that I feel that same way; just without any eugenics agency I can call up#I'm really working to get things stable; but it feels like I'm teetering on the edge of falling into permanent failure#and... and I'll actually tell you the amount even though I don't like to mention money... makes me feel guilty#my gramps left me $27k; which sounds like a lot; but I got 20 windows that need redoing (house has a lot of windows)#...if they ended up being 1k each; that's most of the money gone; if they end up being more...#and I got a whole lotta other stuff I've been putting off like plumbing around here; need to replace that faucet#it's an amount of money that helps; but it's an amount of money that isn't gonna last#...that's like a year of bills; and my mom already needs me to pay like $400 to the propane bill since she got behind#I want to use it to... to try and really get my feet on the ground; but it might loose me my insurance... it makes me want to die#and not to be a selfish bastard; but if I could I'd like to try and take and invest a bit to maybe build some passive income#given that... that a job never seems to work out for me cause I fucking suck and cause like... my insomnia has me up at 5:30 am right now#mm tag so i can find things later
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Holy fucking shit the dysphoria is dysphoria-ing right now. I feel physically nauseous oh my fucking god. I’m gonna fucking kill someone maybe myself rn I’m gonna lose my shit holy hell.
Doesn’t help that I’ve been incredibly overstimulated the past few days every sound is like a fucking cheese grater in my ears oh my god.
#dysphoria#gender dysphoria#sensory processing disorder#tw emetophobia#for the nausea mention#idk if that’s needed or not#but yeah I’m about to tear off my fucking skin and jump off a building I am losing my fucking mind#it’s so over#lmao my brain is fucked i genuinely wanna off myself over this shit#and my mother keeps refusing to even entertain the idea of getting my name changed on the school role#even though all my teachers and friends call me Alex and that’s what I’ve been going by for a few years now#and it would make things significantly easier for everyone because it would fix my email name as well#so that’s not helping#and she was talking about my period and being all “it’s okay all WOMEN get these ❤️ you’re just becoming a beautiful woman#and now she keep being rude to my sister because she uses men’s deodorant (because it works better) and doesn’t really wear dresses#(because she finds them annoying and inconvenient)#and is being all “hurr durr you’re copying your SISTER stop being so masculine”#like fucking hell#shit talking me and harassing my sister all at once#man I want to fucking kill myself im so done with this shit#and I’m so overdue on school work and I feel so overwhelmed and stressed this fucking sucks#and I know the school work and stuff is fully my fault for forgetting and slacking off but I can’t bring myself to do them because the#stress of fucking up and just how much of it I have to do is pushing me to my damn limit#I can’t even bring myself to start on my film and media assignment that’s a week overdue because I’m so fucking stressed just thinking about#it and I’m so overwhelmed I can’t fucking do this. I just can’t. and I know I’m at fault for procrastinating and being too lazy and stressed#to bring myself to start working on it#and things are just gonna get more and more difficult#so yeah. rant over I guess. sorry guys#did not mean to rant in the tags this much dysphoria is just killing me and so is general stress#tw suicidal thoughts
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i am just. hating tumblr more and more. haha..
#timothy's txts.#i can handle change like a man but these are all stupid changes. and they suck. and it makes me want to destroy things#and yes. it's just an app. it's not that big. but uhhh it feels pretty damn big right now i'm upset about this for real#because it used to be funny if inconvenient#to say oh haha the search function is broke <3#but now i can't use tags i've used for ages because i can't find them#and it won't remember them to let me make a new post with them and then click on it to find more posts with that tag#i don't mind the site not being organised but it's killing MY ability to organise MY stuff and i am. so pissed and upset#because why. why.#anyways i'm probably gonna email them again about it
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does anyone have tips for how to deal with the phenomenon of 'autistic need to sort and hypercategorize things, except that there are multiple different axes by which to sort them and you can't use them all at the same time, and the result is overwhelm and distress?'
i've learned that tagging systems help, at least, but sometimes they uh. sometimes they can only go so far
#whosebaby talks#whosebaby makes things#whosebaby does game dev#ttrpg tag#i first wrote up that nightmare of tags when i only had three or four hacks in progress lmfao#looking at it now there are some i think i could narrow down a bit but it still makes me itchy#and with how much bleed and overlap there tends to be with different hacks and systems#it can be really inconvenient and disruptive to separate them completely for ones that have multiple drafts and test run docs#the tagging system i use on here is pretty damn loose by my usual standards but keeping track of game dev in the way i do it#kind of needs a lot more careful distinction and along multiple axes#the alternative is pretty much just one big soup which works *okay* but can still be overwhelming and a hassle to keep up with#anyway this is not remotely the only thing this applies to and Suffering Squirtle especially when urge to sort physical objects#and it's also annoying when it's something harder to quantify like#'i'm genuinely really having fun with this test scene/campaign and want to continue it' vs 'ehn. don't mind not picking this one back up'#sighs#also yeah i have. i have a lot of balls in the air here lmao#this doesn't include the i think like 5-10 docs i made on gdrive before i switched to the notes app because the formatting sucked to use#and the above folders also don't include things like the divination stuff i've made#me with nerve damage that makes handling physical tarot cards painful; making a dice table instead: try and stop me asshole#is there a name for that tag
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there are some pieces of media that i love a lot for a variety of reasons but most of the content on social media about it is ship related. and a lot of the time i like said ships as well but theyre not the reason something impacted me at all i want other kinds of content. but if i have to read a single analysis post from an online stranger that i disagree with i might start blowing people up with my mind
#moral of the story is to only have serious conversations abt stuff u like with ur friends#ill be fr i was thinking about trigun typing this but i could name other things#like witch hat atelier. almost every single piece of wha art ive seen online is orufrey and i love them but like Damn#kingdom hearts too i feel like thats the fanbase that really made it clear to me that i do not like being engaged w fandoms at large#idk. the constant war between me being like 'damn it kinda sucks that some aspects of things i like arent typically discussed online'#vs that allowing me to live my life in peace and never be at risk of seeing someones wrong opinion#bcus i get so fucking tilted when i do. being really into dbz last year was rough for me i was so fucking mad all the time#trying to find character study fics (dont ask) and constantly being like 'he would not fucking say that.'#feel like this also doesnt really bother me for some stuff like orv. like yes joongdok is literally everywhere but#so much of that novel loops back into them that like. a lot of the fanart u see of them reflects themes of the novel itself.#does this make sense. like i still want more hsy art but it doesnt bother me that much that kdj and yjh are literally omnipresent#anyways i love tumblr i can blab as much as i want in the tags vs on twit i have to make longass threads#which makes it look like im posting for engagement or w/e. im not i just need my thoughts out of my head#chatots
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Late night reminder!!
Relapses suck, episodes suck, Triggers fucking suck
But they're going to happen when you're mentally ill/traumatized, even when you're doing a fuckton better, they're gonna happen
Save yourself some pain and let the guilt go, you're already in a low place.
Dont go lower wishing you could change the past
#osdd system#actually bpd#bpd#did osdd#osdd 1b#did system#bpd stuff#bpd tag#actually borderline#I say going through a relapse#Shit sucks#But it's been a week since we've fallen this low#It's progress#It had been every damn day..#-♡
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kinda got smacked by paralyzing fear towards the future of this country and whether i can actually rely on my parents (or 2/4s of my siblings) to be a safe space to go to when the going gets tough... yeah, i think i need to go to sleep.
#sorry to get all serious out of nowhere#i'm not really out irl to my family (2 of my siblings know) and it gets rough hearing them talk about lgbtq stuff#those 2 siblings have said i can come to them if anything bad happens but... they're both new parents and i wouldn't want to impose#this is one of the many things that suck about living in this exact period of time#stuck in one place that's becoming suffocating bc the world's shit and idk how to find a way out#pls don't worry i'm safe & not in harm's way just.... really stifled by my current environment#if only everything wasn't so damn expensive & i had a better job i could start to support myself 😔#okay i'm done brooding in the tags#i'm gonna go to bed and think about kissing women ig ✌️😬#mj.txt#cw vent
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anyways. having fun with the album project thing I mentioned. Using the flat small brush from here for krita. One brush only, no undo button, all done on 1/54th of a 1.5k x 1k canvas. it's actually pretty therapeutic, I listen to the album I'm drawing while I draw it. This does mean that for AM I got to like. track 2 though and most of that was bc of formatting issues lol.
#vent in tags though bc i need. somewhere that isn't yet another 4:30 am vent google doc. too many of those and they're not helping#i don't want to talk but i don't want to be fully alone right now but i can't just spring this on someone in dms either so . tags it is#tw death. like really not a fun time over on torchickentacos dot tumblr dot com right now. genuine warning here#but i'm not doing well and i need this right now. anyways told my therapist i feel like i should be more okay right now than I am#and he was like. you. think you should be MORE okay after someone you knew died?#like. ah. hm. i see. now. how that might not be rational thinking.#i mean in my brain it was like. okay we're approaching day three and i haven't reached back out to my other irls#and i'm awake at 4 am#and i feel like need to pull it together because other people need me for stuff#and like. this happened before but harder. i should KNOW that there's no way to expedite this#because unfortunately I've been through this before!!! people make that choice to leave and it sucks and that's that!#like i KNOW how hard this is especially since it's a very personal topic.#but i'm still trying to rush myself here#it stresses me out to think that I'm not there enough for myself to be there for other people right now#sigh. i wonder how much of it's because i feel like i should have been there for those friends more even though it's irrational.#because that's genuinely not how it fucking works and I KNOW THAT PERSONALLY yet I still put that on myself.#people can have all the support they need and still choose to not take it. and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.#well. tomorrow i return to socializing and being a human person again#little bit at a time.
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I'm going to have to block the ai tag in every way I can, as a creative who has always dreamed about being able to actually work selling my art I just find it all heartbreaking and I've had at least two panic attacks about the way ai is being sent after our art, our writing, our narration, our very appearances, and I just can't do it ok? I am already barely making it from day to day.
#im already very skittish about posting my artwork at all#same with my husband and his writing#and im so tired#im so so tired#all the time#my job really sucks and is getting worse#this current career is hurting more than its ever helped#ive been actively severely underpaid at every job ive ever had#and this was my fallback ok?#so i could dream of eventually partially retiring#and thats just falling apart#even being good isnt enough to save you#because the good stuff is what they feed the ai#and then youre stuff is too much like the ai so noone thinks its yours#im gonna just block the tags and try not to cry ok?#ai art#fuck the damned thieves#i just want to draw#im already a severely depressed artist#hellscape#vent#personal#panic#sorry
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