#moral of the story is to only have serious conversations abt stuff u like with ur friends

[lesbianbishounen]

there are some pieces of media that i love a lot for a variety of reasons but most of the content on social media about it is ship related. and a lot of the time i like said ships as well but theyre not the reason something impacted me at all i want other kinds of content. but if i have to read a single analysis post from an online stranger that i disagree with i might start blowing people up with my mind

[rollercoasterwords]

ok look i have a lot of thoughts abt the way i see lesbians discussed in the marauders fandom BUT for tonight the thoughts that have been toppling like dominoes in my head are mostly centered around this idea of "representation" bc like. ok. scrolling back up here and putting a cut halfway through writing this bc it got long (of course. once again. i need to just accept that i am incapable of being concise at this point).

so i talked abt this a while back somewhere on my silly little tumblr blog and i'm gonna refrain from getting too deep into it rn but just generally just like overall i've noticed this like...specific tone in which people discuss wlw marauders fanfic as though writing about lesbian couples (as opposed to writing about gay couples) holds some sort of like...inherent moral worth? like people will say "ugh we need more lesbian fanfic!!" and like shout about how there is so little wlw fic because of sexism as though tweeting repeatedly about how you just wish there were more good lesbian fics but the only good fics out there are about men because of sexism is like...activism. which. ok. already talked about it NOT getting into it tonight just. the point i'm trying to make here is that i see this general attitude in the marauders fandom where people act like writing lesbian fanfiction is Inherently Morally Superior.

and like. usually when i see those takes i just kinda roll my eyes and move on, because like...i know the people spreading that rhetoric are well-intentioned, and at the end of the day it's fanfiction, it's not that serious, etc. etc. BUT i have sort of...started to notice that attitude bleeding over into some of the responses i've gotten to my writing, mainly from people who say stuff along the lines of, "thank you so much for providing lesbian/sapphic/wlw representation". and those responses have always sort of made me pause and scrunch my nose and go huh. like...you're....welcome? i guess?

and i wanna clarify here--i'm not, like, upset about people saying that to me, and in fact i'm grateful for the kind words, because i understand that the intention behind them is to say "your writing connected with me; i saw pieces of my own experience in your writing; thank you for sharing something that resonated with me in that way." y'know?

but representation. i'm stuck on the word "representation." and it always makes me pause because it's just like. i'm not netflix? y'know? like i didn't write my stories to...represent anyone? i'm just. a lesbian. writing about lesbians. and sometimes not writing about lesbians. y'know?

and the thing that clicked for me tonight about why i think this kind of response throws me off a little is that it's centering an audience. like...i kind of think that conversations about representation are inherently tied to a consumer economy, because they operate on the assumption that the art you're engaging with has been created for an audience--an audience that wants to see themselves in it, meaning there are standards for representation that you should expect and critique. and i think any time the purpose of art starts to orbit around an audience, it starts to sort of...become a product.

and that throws me off! because i'm not writing fanfiction for an audience. i'm not writing it for anyone, really, except myself. in fact, if i find myself thinking too much about my ~readers~, i purposely take a step back and force myself to re-evaluate what i'm writing and why i'm writing it. because for me, the value in writing fanfiction comes from just the simple joy of creating a story that i want to create, and then being able to read that story back to myself. and i only ever started posting on ao3 because i figured "might as well, maybe someone else'll get a kick out of this." and while i value the community that i've found through sharing my writing, that doesn't mean that i want an audience. i've talked about the difference between those two things a lot on this blog, so hopefully u guys get what i mean by that if you've been hanging around my blog for a minute.

anyway, i honestly think this is just like...a perfect example of the insidious ways in which fanfiction getting sucked further and further into a consumer economy alters the ways we engage with it, without even realizing. because like i said, i understand the intention behind the words "thank you for providing representation"--the intention is to say "i connected with this; thank you for sharing something where i could see myself." but if we're growing more and more used to only engaging with media and art through the framework of creator/audience, then we miss out on emphasizing that connection, and instead we end up thanking each other in a way that feels almost transactional, as though we've been provided a service. like...yeah. i've connected the dots. i think that's it.

anyway at the end of the day it's just like...it doesn't really make sense to me to act as though there is some moral obligation or necessity to call for specific types of representations in fanfiction. if there's a story you want to write, you can write it. that's what fanfiction is. but i think a lot of this rhetoric that sort of moralizes the act of Writing About Lesbians runs the risk of insidiously tying fanfiction into a consumer economy, simply because it's engaging with fanfiction as though it's like...content or a product, y'know? and that makes me wary. so. yeah. that's one of the things i've been Pondering tonight i suppose!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

okay imagine kleinsen in it too, not to be Kleinsen Trash, but. just on the side. jared mentions to alana that evan messaged him and alana is just “oh what’s bitch boy got to say?” like. hm. they’ve obviously been able to heal, esp if they were like,, Good Friends in college, they’d definitely help each other. bUt back to kleinsen. dude. jared and evan start talking semi-regularly again, and jared and alana have a whole deep conversation when jared asks “do you think he really changed?” (1/????)

and cAn you imagine. alana still being v ery cautious of evan, her and jared getting in a little disagreement abt jared immediately (not immediately obviously but way sooner than alana) being buddy-buddy with evan. would jared tell alana about his long harbored feelings for evan that have gotten ever so complicated? i think tf yes, and her being one of the few people (if not only person) he tells just brings tears to my eyes. after a while, alana becomes the natural wing woman she is.. (2/3??)

in the ultimate act of mlm/wlw solidarity. no more kleinsen i just love this concept. both of them being the other’s first Gay Friend, having been in the closet for so long? they’re the friends they have needed for so long? and jared inviting alana to get absolutely shitfaced like he did with ev, and they just have a good time? the first few times alana doesn’t drink much but can you imagine her just going off the RAILS for once? i don’t wanna be a bother so i’m done, thank u for ur time 3/3

djfsj lmaooo honestly like the idea of jared and alana becoming better Friends Due To Mutual Hate is always kind of a fun one...because they deserve to be friends anyhow, especially since after the tcp debacle they’re both kind of more alone in ways than they were even at the start of the year. it’s kind of an obvious complication that jared knows that the entire thing is based on lies (which are in part his lies) and that alana originally got invested in the whole deal when believing it was all true and reacting earnestly to that. it’s interesting that even when alana is definitely suspecting the story was a lie, she’s still determined to continue with the project, probably already feeling her own sense of responsibility in promoting the story and sort of making this commitment to everyone who supports tcp even though she didn’t know it might not be true. and then it’s not like we don’t know she ever stops reflecting on the contradictions and discrepancies and suspecting or anything. and i don’t think jared would ever tell anybody about what he and evan did, cuz that’s pretty much both their secret and if one of them tells about their own involvement they’re going to be telling on the other as well, and even if he and alana were closer, realer friends vs him and evan being more estranged, just gonna keep that secret eternally

but they do at least have the mutual gfy-type experience of being involved in that mess and getting screwed over by evan lol...and yet that wouldn’t have to be the only reason they could enjoy each other’s company more, because they totally ought to be friends, js, and could be friends based on more than just that shared experience

for example absolutely mlm/wlw solidarity.....it’d be fantastic if they got to be each other’s first First Gay Friend and get to have someone who knows about them and support each other...it’s great to think about that happening in high school when probably they’re more closeted Or about them becoming friends moreso in college and coming out to each other then. and just generally being each others moral support in so many ways throughout the kind of everyday experience of college, so that the both of them can feel sure they’ve always got Someone to hang out with and back them up, which would be a beautiful change from how things were in high school when everyone was feeling so isolated and insecure in any connections

it’s a super super interesting idea that jared might actually want to ask alana about what SHE thinks about evan and the idea of being involved with him again, what with how jared had some form of friendship with evan for at least a decade whereas alana never really was exactly friends with evan outside tcp, and based on that jared should feel like he’s the one with the expertise, but like, he DID get burned by relying on his own judgment back in senior year, and between that experience of their friendship deteriorating and what evan did to him and how they haven’t talked in however long, it would be such a neat thing if he really did want to know how what alana thought despite (or because) of her having sort of more of that Outside Perspective of not having known evan that well ever and also not being in touch with him for however long. especially since jared probably does have lingering Feelings For Evan and it’s hard to know whether he’s being misguided by that or whether there’s a chance it’s still something more genuine than just being sentimentally wishful. and thus wanting to hear alana’s opinions on evan and the whole Situation and what her perspective is, as someone who was also hurt by evan and who knows jared

and like whether or not it looks like there’s a chance to get back in touch and develop a fresh relationship with evan, it would of course be wild if jared tells alana he has/had feelings for evan. it might be a little tricky telling the story without disclosing anything he can’t disclose about the whole thing with the tcp, but also it’s a fairly simple concept lol.....and it would sort of be a big deal, like, this whole relationship spanning over a decade and this crush spanning who knows how many years of that time, and probably how it was tied in to his own Gay Awakening and just this big secret being carried around for eons. but unlike the truth about tcp, this one’s just his own secret, and she’d probably be the first person he told about it. and like if they’re on / getting on that level of Trust, you Know it’s a genuinely solid relationship. and just having someone who you can talk to about that kind of personal intimidating stuff is a nice thing to know

honestly drunk alana probably just has a lot of fun but still in kind of typical-sober-alana ways, just ramped up a little lol. and probably jared is too easily Sad Drunk so that would be a helpful other sort of influence lol....like drunk alana just thinks a lot of things are funny and laughs a lot and i like @nothingunrealistic ‘s idea that alana enjoys karaoke so these things go together well. they can absolutely have a night out and get smashed and its surprisingly fun and then later on after they make it back to home base they can talk all about feelings and life lol

plus yes re: college make-up kleinsen, it would be reasonable for alana to be skeptical at first, not to mention protective if jared’s over here being one of her first Real Friends, and then it’s even possible that if it seemed like things were going decently, she might feel insecure b/c jared and evan have that way longer history between them and everything and maybe if evan also became a Real Friend of jared’s again, he wouldn’t be as interested in his friendship with her anymore (especially if they’d become Real Friends after the disaster with evan lol), but i think that wouldn’t have to be too much of a worry anyways b/c she wouldn’t exactly only let that fester but rather take these active steps to try to make sure she was staying close to jared, and frankly jared would probably want to hang on to her extra close anyways b/c it’s scary and confusing and he’s also not sure if it’s just going to be another disaster. but then of course it could all work out okay and as it becomes more obvious that jared’s still in love with him and possibly evan is in love with him too, alana would do her best to be Very Supportive in like, really practical ways lmao.....but she would actually really like, think it was awesome that she was getting to play the good friend who gets to be a part in this kind of event in her friends life? like, considering how dramatic it all COULD be, it’s actually not that dramatic, but it’s all a very emotional matter and like, seeing that she’s actually pretty good at this emotional support stuff and that she can be a part of it rather than it just being like, oh we’re friends but i can only be close to someone to a certain degree and once it gets to the deeper more serious stuff i’m not going to be wanted, or i’m going to mess it up, or i’m not going to understand, etc etc etc like worrying she might feel like she doesn’t fit in in her own relationship with someone lol..........and like she can never have the sort of ~real friendship~ where they can do things like talk late at night About Boys figuratively and literally.......but anyways turns out she can

jared in turn is like “i don’t know how to back you up when it comes to dating because i don’t know how to deal with people and i’ve only ever dealt with evan but you have my support nonetheless” and he’s more like her secret sidekick than anyone who’s about to successfully play any active role in Interacting With People but they’re both trying to figure out how to be themselves and be able to socialize so like. as long as they know they’ve got backup on their side in case of disaster or anything, that’s a lot better than thinking you’re on your own.

[realmzenith]

benke !!!!!!

u truly want me dead but ily so- BUT OK BENKE my meme child

What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?.2 seconds i hate him. if he HAD to sit still and he was feeling slightly more chill than usual he could prbly go five minutes. tops. he’s just rlly antsy. he needs to be doing smth w his hands

How easy is it for your character to laugh?EH not super easily but defo more easily than a lot of my other ocs from one to ten one being laughs extremely easily he’s prbly a 4. the key is to find him memes esp political nihilistic memes or fall in front of him bc he’s terrible

How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)he doesn’t sleep. e v e r. who do u think he is?? nah jk on a more serious note, he actually doesn’t sleep very easily so usually he just listens to music until he dozes off

How easy is it to earn their trust?gosh that’s. difficult to say. p hard actually?? surprisingly hard for how much of a meme he acts like and how relatively extroverted he is. from one to ten w one meaning it’s very easy to gain his trust i’d say 7

How easy is it to earn their mistrust?he doesn’t rlly attach himself to ppl easily so it’s p easy to get him to not trust u. like he’ll be chill w u but he wont trust u all that much it’s a weird dynamic w him. w one being v easy to get him to distrust and ten very hard, he’s a 5. p much in the middle not rlly too much to one side or another

Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?rules are great until they impede him from getting what he’s aimin for :) on a more serious note, he doesn’t rlly give a damn abt most laws like he doesn’t want to go to jail but at the same time if he’s not going to get caught he’s going to do it bc hey wtf yolo

What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?LOL NOSTALGia thats a joke he dislikes sappy things n nostalgia falls into that category but he will on v v rare occasions reminisce. certain musical pieces have that effect on him esp the classical ones as he’s grown up w music (being a practical prodigy on the piano and all). he guesses that sometimes it is kind of nice to remember. just once in a while tho. in a while being the key phrase here

What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child?I MEAN he’s sixteen he’s still technically a child but basically the most common thing he hears is stop slacking and work harder. being an asian kid getting As is? absolutely crucial he’ll be smacked upside the head by his parents if he doesn’t so they always tell him to stop slacking tf off n actually study for once (tbh it’s fine he’s a genius practically he gets As easier than u can say banana split)

Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?absolutely and he doesn’t rlly remember but he thinks it was “shit”

What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?once he set out twenty peeps just behind the wheels of his mom’s car and when she backed out the entire wheels got covered in peeps and when she came home saying there was all this weird gooey stuff on her wheels and looked pointedly at him. he just blurted out that it was god exacting judgement on her for her sins. it didn’t end well. he ended up washing the entire car by himself. it still haunts him to this day

How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?he’ll literally just say “what the fuck” and laugh

How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach?whine about it until someone scratches it for him dependent on how comfy he is around the ppl he’s with. if he’s not comfy around the ppl he’s w he’ll just sulk internally or scurry off to the bathroom and like, rub his back (presumptively that’s where he can’t reach) against the edge of the stall until the itch is gone bc he’s high

What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?he thinks he looks best in all colors also he doesn’t rlly care abt fashion. he looks best in HM like purple or royal blue?? 

What animal do they fear most?he has this weird fear of armadillos and no one knows why it has smth to do w an incident at the zoo when he was six

How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?he honestly doesn’t say everything that comes to mind even tho it SOUNDS like he does but he also. basically says everything that comes to mind. it’s odd bc he ends up being rlly engaging in conversation anyways. however he isnt immune to being at a loss for words and when he’s under pressure he will stumble a lil thru what he’s saying. but most of the time what u hear is what he’s thinkin

What makes their stomach turn?ok he’s not SUPER big abt justice or anything like that but if someone’s being torn down he’ll get rlly uncomfy unless he’s the one who initiated it bc he’s like hey hey haha guys dont say that abt them. also he dislikes roly polys w a passion bc they remind him of armadillos :)

Are they easily embarrassed?on one hand he has no shame on the other he does get p flustered if ppl flirt w him and it hits a spot (in a good way)? like he does get embarrassed moderately easily but it takes him a few seconds to realize he should be embarrassed if u get me

What embarrasses them?flirting, if u get a well aimed compliment in that he didn’t expect. also realizing he’s made a fool of himself bc that oftentimes happens but he also rarely realizes it so if he REALIZES he’s made a fool of himself he will get flustered

What is their favorite number?420 duh

If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?he’d be like wtf why r u asking me this but if someone he does trust and is close to asked him he’d try his best to give a serious answer after a bout of awkward laughing to make sure they were serious. prbly like “familial love and platonic love are the same thing basically right? i guess platonic love is how u love ur friends so yk brofists and shit and then romantic love is more? special? idk it’s fucking great tho *fingers guns at sev*”

Why do they get up in the morning? his mom makes him get up for school otherwise what is leaving his bed when he can just pull his comp onto his lap while STAYING in his bed and game from there

How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)? oh he’s very possessive. he’ll defo keep whatever he’s worried abt losing close by to start and if it’s a person- friend or s/o- he’s going to be touching them a lot more. a hand on the back, a hug at the side, running his hands through their hair casually. anything to assert that no back off ur not taking them from me. but if it continues, which it v well may, knowing him, he’s going to start getting snarky n verbally fighting the other person. basically Messy pls reassure him if u are the object of his affections and he’s getting side-eye emoji abt someone 

How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)? he defo becomes resentful a bit. like he doesn’t get envious over most things- it’s mostly fear of losing the thing once he has it- but when it does he will get resentful and hole up a bit and generally just seem a little ticked

Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom?yeah he’s comfy talking abt sex. prbly a little too comfy. so basically anyone willing to engage him in the conversation topic will likely hear abt it but he’s calmed down ever since he got involved w sev

What are their thoughts on marriage?marriage is good? but far off and amorphous in his mind. for the most part he’s like there’s nothing wrong w it but it crosses his mind EXTREMELY infrequently   

What is their preferred mode of transportation? preferably in the back of a private plane, squirrel suit gliding or on a giant eagle, none of which he’s ever experienced in his life. but out of the things he has he is fond of sailing when it’s calm out bc he does get seasick a tiny bit. he likes fast cars too

What causes them to feel dread? his mother :) she may be small but she is Frightening

Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth? he doesnt rlly give a damn so lie most of the time but at the same time if he cares abt the thing and he’s asking u abt it pls do urself a favor and tell him the truth. it’s what he prefers and it’s rare anyways that he actually asks after smth

Do they usually live up to their own ideals? nope. he wants to win a nobel prize, publish a meme compilation book, become a world class pianist, go to pluto- u get the idea. ya boi has many high hopes for himself which he’s not rlly meeting atm. he’s a little all over the place, so despite his many talents he isn’t quite living up to the ideal version of himself he’s seeking after and prbly never will it’ll be very hard to get him to admit this not bc he’s an edgelord or smth but it’s hard to get him to talk abt deeper things but he does sincerely want to be a good moral person which dependent on the day and his level of seriousness he may or may not be living up to in his own eyes as well as in the eyes of others. what can i say he’s kind of a hoe

Who do they most regret meeting? life…. when life’s hand touched upon his little heart and gave him the gift of herself he immediately was filled w Ragret- on a more serious note it’s prbly the armadillo from the zoo

Who are they the most glad to have met? sev? he also adores his piano teacher but good luck getting him to admit that w heartfelt sincerity 

Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke? it’s honestly whatever’s the most recent thing he observed, heard or experienced when it comes to stories. he has no shortage of words to say and his fav sort of memes and jokes are politically nihilistic ones. so those are? in a way his go to?

Could they be considered lazy? yes. he only applies himself if he’s interested and for most of school he has no qualms abt being a lil sus and casually “accidentally” getting the answers to things so yeah that’s. that could be considered lazy. however, when he does care abt smth he will absolutely dedicate himself to it. he practices piano consistently and diligently day in and day out so it honestly depends on if he cares or not

How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt? v difficult. he rarely becomes guilty for longer than .4 seconds but when it does he’s srsly going to internalize that bc if he’s feeling guilty he prbly f-ed up real bad. he also won’t rlly talk abt it to anyone so it’s even more likely it’ll just get internalized 

How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive? that’s extremely dependent on who it is and what it is. if it’s sev he’ll b v supportive but sev is a VERY big exception in most cases also sev rarely gets visibly excited abt things so it’s usually a cause for celebration when he does. if josie (his bff) is excited abt smth? if he can relate he’ll be excited for her but if he can’t he’ll TRY his best but there will be some teasing involved bc that’s how he diffuses confusion. their other bff will get the same treatment but w slightly more effort bc she’s more sensitive but gosh if it’s someone he doesn’t know rlly well he’ll be rlly confused he’ll be like good for u ha?? or someone he knows casually. they’ll get teased so he tries but he also sucks at life. for such a great analyst he’s terrible at being socially delicate

Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap? tbh prbly actively seek it. he defo pursued sev before they got together

Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)? he doesn’t rlly give a damn abt ppl’s names but if it’s say a piano piece it’s honestly just cold, hard repetition 

What memory do they revisit the most often? he doesn’t reminisce often hes a p go go go type of guy but if he does it’s prbly abt sev. neither of them voice it often but they’re both rlly grateful for the other

How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people? see, he’s kind of oblivious he doesn’t rlly think abt these things but when something annoys him? oh it annoys him and he’s going to make no effort to hide it or ignore it. so he’s honestly rlly bad at ignoring other ppl’s flaws. he’s a bit of a b like that 

How sensitive are they to their own flaws?very

How do they feel about children? no particular opinion! he’s the younger sib by quite a bit so he’s always been kind of the baby. he thinks kids are fine and he’s actually p good w them but he’d prefer to not babysit or anything like that. there are better more enjoyable things he could be doing w his time. as for having kids he almost never thinks abt that so he’s got no opinion there either. what happens happens after all

How badly do they want to reach their end goal? he doesn’t particularly have One End Goal but he has many aspirations and if he cares abt smth he will do everything in his power to reach it at least within reason. so p badly relatively speaking? 

If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so? he’s bi so if someone asked him to explain it he’d be like “it means idc what someone’s gender is when it comes to whether i want to fuck or not ;)” yes i hate him too

QUESTIONS FOR CREATORS

A) Why are you excited about this character?MEME KING but also i’m excited to try and work out the balance between apathy, drive and subtle but very much present care for the ppl around himB) What inspired you to create them?i need a best friend for the main chara of the story benke is a part of! additionally, he shares a lot of character traits w an irl friend of mine so it’s a bit of a nod to themC) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?nope! benke was created for the purpose of filling a role tho honestly he’s spun a wild story for himself somehow looking @ u sevD) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?i must admit benke does NOT have a set appearance as of the present. he’s afab nb and does nothing to present as more masculine than he naturally appears. he’s indian, 5′4″ and he’s got short hair w highlights but beyond that i’m still working out his appearance E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?yes on a surface level to both. we’d meme together but at a deeper level we wouldn’t make good close friends. benke’s brand of caring for ppl is nearly opposite to mine and bc we’re already both unconventional in how we show we care abt someone we’d prbly both end up feeling neglected. there’d be a lot of miscommunication and honestly, ya boi would get on my nerves n i’d prbly get on hisF) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?TIRED he TIRES me but also a bit of pride bc he’s growinG) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?where do i begin. prbly how he’s unintentionally self centered. benke is far from uncaring abt his friends he will do crazy stupid brave things for them if it ever came to that but it’s hard for him to see why some of the things he says hurt other ppl’s feelings esp if they’re diff from him. he’ll be like ?? why u offended i didn’t say anything mean. he’s also RLLY bad at handling serious emotions even when they sometimes do need to be dealth wH) What trait do you admire most?HM prbly his knack for being a great conversationalist. ppl like him even if he isn’t the most popular bc he’s funny and p chill. he doesn’t have too much drama so it’s like hey there’s the meme guy even tho he’s kinda weird and tbh goals. being a good conversationalist can get u places and ease up SO many social situationsI) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?PRBLY but also i think he’d do rlly well in a sci fi universe eyes emojiJ) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?nah not rlly?? not yet at least !