#cw: mentions of trauma and abuse

[muffinapologist]

If you want another reason to know conservatives are full of shit; while they’re villainizing queer people as “groomers” there’s actual statistical evidence that shows therapies like ABA are (likely unintentionally) grooming neurodivergent people for abuse and have lead to a marked rise in the rate of abuse among neurodivergents. But no one talks about banning these therapies or evaluating how medical professionals treat neurodivergents. They just want to kill queer people, it has nothing to do with preventing abuse

[aphidclan-clangen]

part 2 out of 3

[that-ineffable-devil]

Long post incoming, but I've been on and off it for days so you're gonna see it.

On Charles and Love

I think there's a lot more to Charles' reaction to Edwin's confession than what we may first assume.

Charles loves harder than anyone, but I don't think he even knows what it means or feels like to be IN love--or to be loved back. This isn't a dig at Edwin, so don't @ me. This has to do with Charles' past.

When Edwin first confesses on the steps of Hell, Charles doesn't even hesitate with his response: "Great, love you too, can we go now?" He does love Edwin, one way or another. He hasn't needed to examine that love any further. He doesn't think Edwin could mean it that way, because Edwin probably has never given any indication of feeling that for anyone. Perhaps he didn't think Edwin capable of love in that way. Perhaps it's his own repressed sexuality. Perhaps it's the feeling that he is inherently unlovable. Perhaps it's a combination of things.

On Edwin's and Charles' Repression

Look, Edwin is clearly autistic and heavily emotionally repressed--he's British, from 1916, and male. That's the perfect storm of emotional repression. But he clearly feels and feels deeply--he just doesn't always let on about it. (Which is such a nice thing to see for autistic representation, the "unfeeling alien" trope ain't it.)

And even though they've been together for 30 years, they clearly do not talk about deep emotions much, because it makes Edwin uncomfortable and Charles probably wouldn't manage to get much out before cracking a joke instead--it's his defense mechanism.

As for his own repression, Charles grew up in the 80s as a biracial kid with an abusive father. He was also at least questionably queer while alive: he was part of an alt crowd, wore eyeliner, and wore a single dangly earring. Now that doesn't mean for certain he's queer or questioning, but it IS a pretty common code in media and storytelling. And I imagine no small part of his father's excuses for abusing Charles had to do with "beating the queer out of him." Of COURSE that led to repression--how could it not?

On Feeling Unlovable

And the feeling that he's inherently unlovable? Does he really feel that way? I think so.

He wants it. He wants to be loved so badly. And because of that, he tries so hard. He tries to stay light and happy and kind, even when he's suffering underneath--he has his own flavor of emotional repression. Because if he can't be loved, he can at least be liked.

And he doesn't just want people to like him, he needs them to like him, because he needs to know he's likable. Because there's safety in being likable. There's safety in being funny and friendly and "a good sort of chap." It's proof he's not the monster his father was--the monsters his friends were. It's his shield. The shield he uses to protect himself from the world, yes, but also to protect the world from him. Or at least, who he thinks he is, deep down.

It's also, in his mind, his only chance at being loved. His only chance at staying loved. Because love is earned. Because love is the reward for good behavior. At least, that's how it was as a kid, right? And that's all he knows. He died before he could experience any other kind of love--besides the love between himself and Edwin, which is its own complicated matter.

The other difficult aspect of growing up in a household where love and affection were weaponized and where violence is an acceptable reaction to anger, is how it radically alters your perception of love and family.

You crave the love and validation you never received, but you also fear it and don't believe it's real when it comes without strings.

You struggle to identify love in healthy relationships because if it doesn't hurt, then is it really love?

And even though you crave it more than anything, you're afraid of it. You're afraid for things to get real, because real love--or your understanding of it--is dangerous.

Because love is a weapon and you can't bear for anyone to use it against you again.

Hurt People Hurt People...Sometimes

Trauma manifests differently in each person. There are some commonalities, but it's never exactly the same. I know the saying is "hurt people hurt people" and that's not entirely wrong. But sometimes, hurt people heal people--or at least try to. Charles is in the second group.

Charles never, ever wants anyone to feel the kind of love he knew while he was alive. So he paradoxically loves openly while remaining guarded. His loyalty and devotion are unmatched. He went to Hell for Edwin. But he also never told Edwin the truth about his father until essentially forced to. Because that involves vulnerability. It involves, in his eyes, weakness. And what did vulnerability and "weakness" get him in life? Well...dead.

But he craves reciprocation. He needs to feel like he can be vulnerable, safely. I don't think that Edwin has done anything to make him feel unsafe, but being that they're both emotionally surpressed boys killed by other boys for perceived weaknesses at 16 and the lack of a ghost therapist...it's not all that surprising they haven't dealt with their issues in 30 years.

I think this is why he latches onto Crystal so quickly and easily. Firstly, she's alive: he can at least pretend to ignore his own death for a bit. Secondly, she's his age (sort of) and can see him, which is an uncommon experience at best. Thirdly, again--she's alive, so it can never last--never be real. Either she'll age beyond him, or she'll die and likely be taken to her afterlife. Which he'll happily ignore for the first two reasons.

On Types of Love

I won't get too into this, because I'm in no way an expert in the wide variety of emotions attributed to love. But I will say this: Charles died at 16.

If we set aside the possibility of him being aromantic for now (which he absolutely could be), he may never have had the chance to fall in love while he was alive. If he could even recognize it for what it was. I mean, I'm in my 30s, been married and divorced twice, and I'm still not sure I've ever been in love. At 16, you're drowning in hormones and it can be hard to decipher feelings.

On Arrested Development

If you think about it, his death and subsequent ghostly afterlife are a supernatural version of the arrested development a lot of child abuse survivors experience. But his development arrested literally--he literally CAN'T grow up. At least, not physically.

He may have had 30 years to address his issues, but why would he have thought to? He doesn't have the same responsibilities or needs as a living adult. He's constantly on the job or on the run from Death, he's living with Emotional Repression the Person (my beloved), and frankly...it hurts to examine those problems. How many adults are actively avoiding their own issues?

On the Confession

Edwin, with the most heartwrenching tone of voice since David "I would like to spend" Tennant, makes clear that he's IN love with Charles. And for a moment Charles looks like he's been walloped in the gut with an iron bar, trying to process. But then the trauma-brain kicks in.

He finds the first "logical" explanation to someone (Edwin) telling him they love him: it's a literary reference, and Edwin is...maybe not "messing" with him, but maybe being extra dramatic about this? It can't be real.

But then Edwin gets upset--he's serious about this. And Charles sort of...short-circuits. He can't process this right now, not when they're running for their afterlives. Not when the Night Mother is waiting to split them up. Not when he's barely even begun to process his trauma. So he does everything he can to make sure Edwin knows that, no matter what, he loves him. Maybe not in the same way, but with the same depth.

Because they'll have time. They'll have all the time in the world to figure out what this means. Because they certainly don't right now, and everything Edwin is saying flies directly in the face of every opinion Charles has ever held about himself.

And what the hell is he supposed to do with that?

[summerlinenss]

I no longer believe the actor who claims abuse on the Time Bandits set. Please read this all. I did my best to explain my reasons. I apologize for any rambling.

Paramount has issues with safety on their sets. They have issues with their HR and resolution departments. That is proven fact and has happened more than once recently, even resulting in lawsuits. I don't deny they were injured as they have record of that and Paramount has stated they paid their worker's comp claim, but I would take everything else they claim with a Rock of Gibraltar sized grain of salt.

Especially since they're just now trotting out that damned letter Taika signed as "proof" he and the entire cast, crew, and production companies are all white supremacist, pro-genocide zionists.

"Taika who signed that Biden letter" is a direct quote from the actor in a comment. They shared a post from an Instagram called "Zionists in Film" that purports to "out" supposed celebrity zionists. That post is Taika with falsehoods about the letter he signed plastered all over it. I don't know about all the celebrities listed, but there are several I know are anything but zionists and are listed there for doing literally nothing wrong.

The actor said nothing about the set being packed full of zionists until six days ago, starting with a post about Apple firing pro-Palestinian workers (I don't know if that's true, but either way it's not about Apple TV). The post from Zionists in Film about Taika went up five days ago. Everything else about the incident had been up and untouched since May. There is no other "evidence" that I've seen, be it quotes from the actor or anecdotes from anyone on that set that points to anyone being a zionist. Obviously I don't know each actor and crew member's stance personally, but when all a person who was on set with them can say is that Taika signed a letter, it doesn't look very convincing.

Also, the biggest and most obvious strike against their claim that the place was chock full of zionists? They were only on set when filming began in 2022 and filming wrapped entirely in early 2023! I/P has been a conflict for decades, I know, but your average joe did not care about "zionists" or even the conflict as a whole (regretfully) until after Oct 7th. So why, after all these months and two years after they left the set, do they suddenly start claiming it was a den of genocidal zionists?

I also don't believe every single one of the hundreds of people on the TB set was out to get them specifically. The entire cast, crew, and all the production companies involved are made up of misogynistic white supremacist queerphobes who only hated them just because they're Asian and nonbinary? What about the black guys in the cast? Or the little people? Or the women? Or any of the countless other minorities working on the show in any capacity, such as the no doubt large Maori presence? It was somehow just them who was despised by everyone, including those other minorities?

So yes, the actor deserves proper compensation for their injury, assuming their claim that Paramount didn't pay enough to cover their bills is true. But every other thing they said? I don't believe a word of it anymore. I was listening and accepting until they started screaming zionist. Now they come across as nothing more than a person with a bone to pick because they didn't get all the money they wanted. They just shot their credibility in the foot.

(I'm sending this essay to you because while I don't have a twitter account and can't get one, I have still seen idiots using this actor's "proof" to hate Taika, his fans, and Time Bandits as a whole. I just needed to put some fact checking and discussion somewhere.)

i want to just start with a disclaimer that, as anon said, i’m aware of the actual claims that have been made and read through the statements both from the actor and the paramount reps and it’s clear that they experienced some form of physical/emotional distress on set. no one is denying that. so i’m in no way attempting to diminish or disregard their experience.

that being said, i’m going to be 100% honest and say this as carefully as i can, but i’ve had an extremely off feeling about this since i first read about it. not in the sense of “well they would never allow that to happen so you’re obviously lying,” but there’s just something i really can’t put my finger on about this actor’s intentions that genuinely feel rooted in something vindictive rather than actually seeking personal justice.

just for comparison for anyone who hasn’t read the statements, i’m going to leave a link and screenshots of those here:

at first i honestly tried to take everything they were saying in good faith, but it’s at the point where it feels like they’re just making accusations of every controversial thing possible and waiting to see what sticks so they can get a pay-out to keep them quiet. it was originally a costar physically/psychologically abusing them and no one on set caring or believing them. now it’s escalated to:

- alleging the set was full of open and vocal zionists spewing a “pro-genocide” agenda

- claiming in advance that paramount is going to use AI to dub over their scenes

- apparently being both mad that they were “forced to leave” the show and mad that they’re going to still be in the show at all

- claiming they were gaslit and threatened by producers to the point of becoming suicidal

- calling them all “colonizers” (which if they are referring to taika and jemaine i think that is highly inappropriate and tone deaf)

- claiming they were digitally erased from stills because the producers are too scared to show their character and address what happened

- claiming they were originally in all 10 episodes and had their part reduced out of spite

- sharing headlines alleging all little people roles were cut from the show (which they weren’t) and alleging the cast was full of only white men (from the trailer alone the majority of the cast is literally bipoc and afab people)

- implied they were specifically discriminated against for being queer/non-binary and asian (although they are seemingly nowhere near the only lgbtq+ or AAPI cast/crew member so i don’t even understand what they’re talking about)

i’d also like to point out that i noticed one of the cast members is a queer and disabled rights activist (who seems like a lovely person btw) who has expressed nothing but total positivity and gratitude towards the show and absolutely everyone involved. and yes, of course, everyone can have different experiences, but i sincerely doubt someone who dedicates their spare time to fighting discrimination would stand by and not speak up if a costar was being abused or mistreated.

like you mentioned, the zionist stuff is all pure bullshit. and people who cry “zionism” to win their own personal conflicts typically don’t have a grasp on what it actually means. i don’t know how many times i’ve said by now that taika has literally been openly opposing the israeli military’s occupation of palestine on social media for the past six years minimum. i’m gonna be blunt and say any arguments people are still trying to make that he’s secretly an evil zionist because he (or probably his publicist) signed a letter that he likely didn’t even read and just assumed said “hey let’s keep freeing hostages and stop the violence” are just rooted in antisemitism at this point. i’m not sure about everyone else, but i do know that many people working on the show have been openly and vocally pro-palestine and even signed ceasefire letters, including jemaine and rachel house (i believe madeleine sami may have a cameo as well). and as you mentioned, anon, most of the general public (including i might assume this actor in question) didn’t become aware of or actively start speaking out against the occupation of palestine until this past october, which in no way coincided with the show’s filming. so i don’t get what they’re trying to prove besides the fact that they know buzzwords, honestly.

i’m also aware that this isn’t the first time this individual has done this kind of thing. they literally have a whole subcategory of their wikipedia page dedicated to allegations and accusations of abuse and discrimination they’ve made against others. and granted, some of the claims they’ve made are valid and i hope they got some sort of retribution. but a lot are also pretty big reaches and feel much more like attempts to “cancel” people they don’t like or had a hard time working with (e.g. they went on a bit of a smear campaign calling seth rogen an abuse apologist because he’d been friends with and “enabled” james franco in the past and deserved to never work in the industry again).

i’m not gonna be that person and say “well i know them and they’re good people and would never do these things,” because frankly, we don’t know anyone and incidents do happen. however i find it extremely questionable that this is literally the first time in about a decade of following their work that i have ever heard a single person have a remotely negative experience working with taika and/or jemaine, especially when all anyone else has ever said is specifically how safe and inviting and comfortable they make their sets for everyone. it also seems really bizarre and downright out-of-character to me that either one of them would not only refuse to help a cast member in distress, but that they’d go out of their way to mock and threaten them, all for the sake of protecting some B/C-list actor on an apple tv series of all things. i know for a fact taika has fired and recast abusers/people with allegations before for bigger projects, i don’t see why he wouldn’t do it again if necessary. and as the “insider source” in that article mentioned, i understand why they said they waited so long, but it still seems awfully convenient that they didn’t make any of this public until nearly a year and a half post-filming (and just a couple of months before the show was set to be released), despite apparently being in such life-altering turmoil.

i seriously do feel awful saying it, because again i don’t doubt there was an injury and emotional distress/discomfort being on set (or that HR was probably a goddamn pain to deal with), but it truly just doesn’t feel sincere or like they actually want to find a resolution. it really feels to me like either paramount didn’t fulfill their obligations of required support/compensation (which yes is obviously fucked up) or the actor in question didn’t get what they thought they deserved in support/compensation, and now they have a vendetta against everyone involved in the production and are determined to establish martyrdom to get them all “cancelled.”

[w1yre]

uhhhh cw just in case but it’s really not bad

soooo mazie backstory yay

[jenny-ate-ink]

Okay, okay, so hear me out:

Modern Au!Linked Universe x Stardew Valley crossover with Lon Lon Ranch being the players farm, and all them are related in some way, either being father and son, uncle and nephew, or cousins, and where the Goddess is uniting them in canon it's instead trauma (because love me some good whump)

I already came up with some (very) rough design drafts, a family tree, new "modern"/more human names for them based on their titles, and backstories for Time, Twilight, and Wild

Here's the designs + a bonus transparent version

(Like I said, it's a very rough draft, the first draft, in fact. Warriors needs tweaking, and Legend needs to be a tiny bit shorter, etcetera)

Here's the family tree I came up with (also a draft):

And I'll put the few backstories I came up with under a read more sense they contain a lot of triggering material (like I said, trauma is the uniting thing here lmao). Everything is tagged, of course, so I recommend looking that over first

(*Note: click to read)

[bonebabbles]

I keep starting and abandoning posts that go into my drafts, as I try to stay tasteful about how fucking revolted this part makes me. Like, I'm legitimately unsure if the very relevant trauma I have is making me see things that aren't here

But first we see that Star Flower is trying to ingratiate herself to the group, just after she reappears from chapter 5. Chapter 5 is about how Clear Sky is still abusive towards his son, and she comes in after stroking his ego, stressing how alone she is, and appealing to how she'll be loyal unlike his child. (She glances over at Thunder, directly implying this.)

Now in Chapter 9, she's babysitting and trying to care for Milkweed's kits (in spite of discomfort from Milkweed), taking a wet sleeping space away from the others, and pulling more than her own weight "without complaint." Putting herself through harsh sitations to prove her worth.

All while trying to appear extra attractive to Thunder, and later Clear Sky. Basically every man in power who can "protect her"

Like, am I going fucking crazy? With how we later find out that Star Flower was "promised as a mate" to One Eye's subordinate Slash, is... is that hypersexualization? One of the extremely stigmatized symptoms of sexual abuse?

She goes to find Clear Sky alone to throw herself at his paws, and he's very quickly attracted to how she promises to perfectly obey him, have no needs of her own, and finally be the perfect servant that he desires

"I don't deserve your trust because I am dirt. I understand you because I also regret something. I'd die for you. I'll never betray you unlike those who have."

This isn't manipulation. She means this. The story is playing their romance sincerely. She's comparing "betraying" Thunder by telling her own father about an assassination ambush to Clear Sky's history of child abuse, physical assault, and murder

She believes she's on the same level as this; a monster who murdered a childhood friend in a fit of entitled rage. She was a victim of One Eye who really believes that the way her father used her means she "understands" this monster, deserves this treatment.

And Clear Sky LIKES that.

He likes that she will have COMPLETE FAITH in him. That she will follow him WITHOUT QUESTION. That she will OBEY his orders. That's fucking verbatim, that's THE TEXT!!!

WHILE HE'S STILL CRYING ABOUT "ive tried to atone every day" FOLLOWING THE LAST TWO BOOKS WHERE THE ONLY SHITTY THING HE DOESN'T DO IS MURDER INNOCENT WOMEN

Am I insane?? Am I wrong??? Am I missing something here???? Why the fuck is the fandom takeaway "haha sexy girl steals his dad." Did I read the same book

[neriumdelusion]

Kevin has spent his entire life serving, whether it was his father, his god, or strexcorp, he has never been able to want for himself. Now we see him want, we’re seeing him force people to listen, getting people’s attention for himself, he’s not doing this because a corporation is using him as the company’s image, he’s doing this because he wants to, as he put it, tell his side of the story. He is doing this as a child. He didn’t come in guns blazing, he didn’t threaten anyone, he was holding a knife like a lifeline but according to Tamika was making no move to harm anyone, and we don’t know what happened next, but cutting the wires isn’t the same as slitting someone’s throat.

He’s here as a child, a supposed symbol of innocence, to tell his story. His anger and pain are violent but right now they are just sad, the loss of childhood to abuse and continuing to lose your sense of self and freedom to others for your entire life isn't shown as anything more or less than a child saying "all i want is to want something for myself". He wants to be heard, by the town that never saw him grow up, never saw him with his friends or old woman Josephine, never heard his early broadcasts (apart from Triptych), he’s begging to be heard in the town that has only ever seen him as evil incarnate, he’s going to the man who is outright terrified of him, asking him to not be scared even though he has reason to be. All of his lines are so simple, it is a childlike loss, it’s the quiet resolution to what has happened while still wanting different.

[peteytheparrot]

⚠️ TW FOR ABUSE AND BLOOD IN THE MINI COMIC BELOW ⚠️

[gor3sigil]

Detransition - My Story

[CW for Domestic Abuse, S*xual Abuse, Social Detransition, Misgendering, Alcoholism]

Recently, I watched “I Saw the TV Glow”, and it blew me away.

The ending really made me want to tell a story that happened to me.

Between the end of 2020 until the end of 2021, I detransitionned, mostly socially as I hadn’t started transitionning medically at the time. I did so because of many factors, and I never really wrote about it in details or reflected on it deeply as it was a very hard time for me. But I think that I now have enough hindsight as to why it happened and how it affected me to be comfortable sharing.

So, 2020 was a crazy year for everyone. I was in a T4T poly relationship, living with my partner of almost 5 years and started to go out with another trans dude. Long story short, because this isn’t about this, but I got into a physical altercation with my living partner during quarantine after years of emotional and verbal abuse, financial manipulation and isolation. I had to flee and live with my boyfriend for almost 8 months after leaving. And it was hell on earth.

I tried to not make a big deal out of what happened, but the fact of the matter was I had no place to call home, I was separated from my cat because she couldn’t live with us as my boyfriend’s place was a one room student flat and we struggled to live both of us here, and I had very little money due to not being able to work because of Covid.

What happened next to me leaving was constant harassment for weeks, the people whom I called friends siding with my abusive ex, and I felt so defeated. I couldn’t go back to my local trans community out of fear, and the community that I still had I struggled to trust again. I was supposed to start HRT before Covid hit, but it was cancelled. I got so much shit for just telling my story because so many people treated it as “slander” to accuse a trans woman of abusing me. I had receipts but never showed them, to protect her and myself. While she hurt me, she still was in a vulnerable position and it was out of the question to put her in danger. Let’s just say that I didn’t receive the same treatment in return and got lied about, harassed and bullied by people who thought she could do no wrong.

I started to totally lose trust in the community I used to feel safe in. And one day, I met a cis man. I talked to him, we got a coffee, he invited me to his place later, he got drunk and SAd me.

Two weeks passed, two excruciating weeks during which I felt so far away from everything and everyone, I coped by smoking a lot, I was in a deep dissociative state. I was disgusted, I felt so betrayed, I felt like I had no safe space. I still can’t explain why I did what I did, but after these two weeks, I still had the hoodie he handed me to go home, and I decided to meet him to give it back and talk.

He gaslighted me, using the fact that I was mentally ill to prove that I must have imagined what happened, and I believed him.

Meanwhile, I started getting nasty comments from my boyfriend and his friends for going out with a cis man.

Let me say that again.

My boyfriend was not upset that I was putting myself in danger, that I was starting a relationship with someone who had abused me, that I was in deep distress and not trusting anyone from my community anymore so I basically ran the other way, in the polar opposite way, with someone who treated me like a woman and called my desire for top surgery “mutilation”. What he was the most upset about was that I was going out with a cis man.

I became a running joke.

And when I told him that I had slept with my new boyfriend, he told me that I had “slept with the enemy”.

We had a two weeks break, after which I broke up with him for good. I had my own flat, and I was so fucking traumatized about what had happened with my ex and the vitriol I received for my new relationship that I decided it was enough. I was trying so hard to fit in my local trans community, that barely supported me when I got abused, and now what was left of it shat on me for going out with a cis man, it was the last straw.

For a year, I was having the most isolated relationship I ever had.

J, my new boyfriend, was my world. He told me that I thought I was trans out of fear. That it was a lie. That I just was scared of being abused again so I decided that to become a man was to be safe, but it was not. That all I felt was internalized misogyny I could work on, find my inner feminine self again and be happy as a woman. And I believed him. Oh, how I trusted him. I was not even in my mid twenties yet and he was in his early thirties, he must know better. I started using my deadname and feminine pronouns again. I bought dresses, skirts, even wore make up on occasions.

For a year, I killed myself. Slowly but surely. I was a full blown alcoholic, the relationship was becoming more and more abusive and isolating, I spent most of my time with him, most of the time we were drunk, most of the time things weren’t consensual, and it became my new normal.

I was retraumatizing myself. Relieving things I lived in the past because I felt so betrayed.

I had no friends left, the only one I still had didn’t hear about me until the end of my relationship with J. One time I saw her in the street, I was drunk, and J corrected her when she called me “he”. Said it was “she” now. And I said nothing.

We were in a poly relationship, and after the one year mark, after a few traumatizing hookups with random dudes on Tinder, I found my current partner. And when I started to get treated like I deserved to be, I started to snap back. I started fighting back when J acted out, I started seeing the dark place I was in.

Two things made me realize how bad I had been lying to myself.

The first one was a TikTok trend, the one with the song “My Little Dark Age”. The first time I saw a trans man doing this trend with photos of him being himself, then going back to the closet, and in present times, out. “Just know that if you hide, it doesn’t go away”. I sobbed uncontrollably for hours after seeing it.

The second one was one time, drunk, with my partner, I was telling them about the “time where I was trans”. And I was telling them about binders, and offered to show them how it was when I was wearing it. I had thrown away everything I had related to being trans in a cardboard box. I took it out and put it on. Looked at myself in the mirror. And burst out in tears. My partner hold me while I said in between sobs: “how could I do this to myself ?”, “it feels so right, why does it feels so right ? I though I’d be happy as a woman !”. And I cried and cried and cried.

Two weeks later I changed my name again. 2 months after, I broke up with J.

I wanted to tell this story as a cautionnary one. I know that I failed myself. But I can’t help but think that I was also failed in a way. By my community, by the spaces I was in both online and IRL. I am not blaming the individuals. This isn’t about “detransition”. This is about care.

This is a reminder to care. To be kind.

I don’t regret what happened. It’s part of me now. But sometimes I can’t help but wonder how things would’ve turned out if, instead of making fun of me for going out with a cis man, my then friends would’ve asked me kindly why I decided to go out with him. What changed in my mind between the night he SAd me and now. Or just offered a shoulder to cry on. What would’ve happened if I had been offered support for the trauma I was going through, if I hadn’t been told that in the end, J had won, he “have gotten what he wanted”.

“Why is it always so easy for cis men, to get what they want ?”

And in these statements, I became an object. A “want”. And I think that’s one of the main reason I lost every ounce of trust I had left in people who swore they were on my side and had my back.

You may not understand why people make some decisions. But please, before any politics get involved, remember than whose around you are people. Human. With complicated and sometimes conflicting feelings. Flawed. And worthy of your understanding.

This is about not letting politics and theories make you forget to care for one another, to protect each other, and to be here. It can change everything.

[miradelletarot]

Trauma Dump Hours

Apologizing in advance. This is gonna be HEAVY FEELS. I just...need somewhere to put all of my thoughts down so feel free to scroll past this.

**This is HEAVY mental and emotional trauma with mentions of abortion within so please be mindful of the content below the cut**

I have made mentions of my parents before, but never really went into too much detail about my relationship with them because of everything else going on. But, in light of some things that have happened recently, I need to just get these thoughts out in some sort of order...which might not happen but here we are. So my relationship with my parents has been interesting to say the very least. i was raised in a very conservative catholic home. Silent gen dad, and a boomer mom. both very intolerant of anything they don't agree with. My dad is the epitome of hating everything that doesn't align with his beliefs...If you aren't white or straight especially, and do not live the traditional lifestyle that he feels one should abide by. (hopefully that paints a picture for you).

Anyway, I am the baby of my family. My brother is 50 and my sister is 49 (they are a year and 4 days apart). I arrived 12 years later. I was very well and truly an OOPS. My brother is the golden child, my sister, the problem child (former, anyway, but she was definitely more wild than they liked,) and I...well, I had to be the perfect one to do as my parents wanted 100% of the time.

my mom had no self-esteem and raised me to be the same way. never be too confident and sure of myself b/c it was unbecoming to do so. I had to always get good grades, and always follow the rules. If I ever did something wrong, i got the wrath of my father (that stern, military rage). So, as i got older, my mom would hide things from him on my behalf, but only if I did something for her. Things like keeping secrets from dad, hiding mail so she didn't get in trouble with the finances again. If i ever dared to stop doing that shit for her she would blackmail me...would threaten to tell my dad all the shit i did wrong if I stopped helping her. Basically, I was scared and brainwashed into having ZERO autonomy or individuality. If I showed any emotion other than happiness I always had "an attitude." But, I saw my mom's behavior as if she was the only one in my corner...my buddy who kept my secrets for me because no one else would.

I struggled in school, but almost always got As and Bs. I had to work my ass off for it too. Math was always a sore subject that made me and dad lock horns. He's a math wiz, and I'm not. I'm not well read because I HATE reading books. (thanks school for ruining that for me). history? forget it. i have a horrible memory. But, if i ever got a C? holy shit i was a failure in their eyes. I feel like I am so far behind everyone intellectually that it's hard for me to have conversations with people sometimes because I feel like I can't keep up. By the time I got to high school was when I finally started to see what they were doing to me, but I was too afraid to break free. Honestly? i didn't know I had a choice in the matter. When I was in college, I had to be in remedial math. When my dad found out (b/c he was paying for college,) he literally screamed at me in the financial aid office b/c he couldn't believe I was in such a low math class. His apology? "I just worry about you, and i want you to do well." What a fucking joke. Again, in college, I was big into choir. we had a huge spring performance that we NAILED and we wanted to celebrate. So, we carpooled and went to a nearby club. I was barely 20 so i had the wristbands of course. I CALLED my mom to ask if i could go. Told her who i would be with, where i was gonna be, and that it would be WAYYYY late before I get home. Said I would keep my phone in the car b/c I knew i wouldn't hear it or feel it vibrate, but i could call her when I leave even if it was like 3 am. She said no need, and let me go.

So, in I walk at 330 am to both my parents in the living room, and my dad SCREAMING at me that I am just like my sister. out partying at all hours doing "god knows what." I was dumbfounded. My mom didn't even look at me...just sat there as I got ripped into. Wanna know why that happened?? Because SHE PRETENDED SHE NEVER GAVE HER PERMISSION. She told me later that her and dad had to have a "united front" and I had "no right to be mad" at her. When I tell you I leveled my room into an absolute mess that night and cried myself to sleep. the betrayal I felt...as a 20 yr old, a legal fucking adult, and I had no voice. no independence. My relationship with them has gone south ever since.

Of course, several things have happened between now and then. Their relationship is very transactional, and always comes out with me needing to serve THEM for them to be happy. for them to see me as worthy. But, my mom likes to throw it in my face whenever she can about how great my brother is. How stable he is. that bitch is single and has no kids. fuck him. he's an incel anyway.

Mother's day this year was the last straw for me. I called my mom out of obligation. in that 15 minutes she gushed about my brother's financial stability knowing how hard i have been struggling since I left my husband. I told her how proud I was of myself, that I was doing all these things with very little help, and making so much progress in such a short time. her response? As deadpan as possible "Congratulations. You're finally adulting." Finally? FINALLY? Not like I had been trying FOR YEARS when my irresponsible idiot of a husband was the one who had the control. I left my childhood home and walked into another relationship with a person who was just like my parents. A transactional, mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. I was his shadow because i felt like i HAD to be. When he wanted to leave me in 2021 for that very reason i thought i would literally die. That's when I found my spiritual practice. when i started to really change and try to find myself. and yet, he STILL didn't like who I was. Hence, why i finally found the strength in me to leave him back in December. I got no support from my parents. They wanted me to move in with them....ACROSS THE STREET FROM MY EX...just so i could be close to my children. I'm only 15 mins away from them. I see them when I can with the 2 jobs I work for shit pay. I'm busting my ass to pay off my car. Have they ever called in the 6 months I have been gone to ask me how I am??? If I need help?? NO. And why would they?? Between my mom and dad both, I was told on three separate occasions that they wanted to abort me. But I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL THAT THEY DIDN'T. Why would I? I have lived my life feeling like I was never good enough, that i was a worthless burden to the world. All because i was conditioned to believe as such. Thankfully for my sister, she saw through their shit a long time ago, and left home when she turned 18. i wish I understood why back then...but I was a kid. All i knew was how hurt my parents were, or how they seemed to be, and I believed that if I did anything to hurt them i was a bad person. I couldn't be like my sister. because that was a bad thing. But...nothing makes you feel more unloved and unwanted than your parents telling you they didn't want you. Then act surprised when you block them and don't want to speak to them. I can't go thru 38 years worth of shit they did, but this was some of the bigger/more recent stuff. It's amazing i never blocked them sooner (though, being across the street from them at the time was certainly a factor...)

It's why my identity means so fucking much to me. i felt like my name is not my own, my existence isn't my own. Why I want all the labels that I feel make up who I am so i can have some fucking semblance of understanding about what makes me "me."

Aside from spanking as a kid (which was normal back then sadly,) i was never physically abused. i had a roof over my head, I had food when i needed it, I was clean, had nice (not name brand) clothes...all the necessities, but I never *ever* had a healthy grasp on my mental health. never had healthy coping mechanisms for my emotions, and I never felt truly loved by my parents. better seen than heard, and if i was seen it was always to do something that made my parents proud so they could brag about me. I was a trophy. A puppet.

And today, as i sit here, wondering how tf to deal with my parents...I am anxious and scared. i feel like a child all over again, trembling like I am about to be scolded. All because i was conditioned to believe that my feelings were worthless and wrong. I have gotten 2 voicemails today from my dad, telling me I "need" to call them. To explain what's going on. Suddenly, they are worried. Suddenly, they care. But I know it's only for their satisfaction. part of me wants to pour my soul out and light it on fire so they can see how much they hurt me over the years. Part of me wants to pretend they are dead and forget they exist. I am not sure what to do.

So, if anyone ever wonders why Gale means so much to me...why i have such a mental and emotional attachment to his character. this is why. because aside from my 2 bffs, he was the only other entity that made me feel loved and worthy, and it breaks my heart that he isn't real. For now, though, he's a beautiful escape.

idk if I need anything rn...I'm not sure where to go from here. I have no idea what will make me feel better. getting some of it out helps. Being in therapy definitely helps. If you read this then you're a damn trooper...or a glutton for punishment, idk. Either way, thank you for listening to me.

I really don't expect anyone to say anything or even read this. It really isn't necessary. But please know that for the many of you whom I have befriend on here since I joined tumblr...I am grateful for you all. Just being in this space has been so healing for me. thank you.

[disabledprincesses]

Some advice about living together when you both have trauma

You will at some point trigger their panic response, and vice versa.

Even if you are both the nicest and most careful people, its going to happen.

Especially in cases where the person lived with an abusive partner or guardian etc. this is because abusers can turn anything into a bad experience.

Something as simple as asking them to do something while they're talking, or moving something while cleaning etc. can create a trigger response to a time when they were bullied/abused for something involving that sequence of events.

And they will likely trigger the same reaction in you at some point.

Its important to remember to openly communicate and have plans for how to help. Ask them what they need when it happens, and try to talk about how to best avoid / work with the trigger.

Some triggers are unavoidable, they're just a part of life. Some take time to work around. Be patient, and if you're the one who got triggered, tell the person your thought process so they can help empathize with you, if you can.

Remember that the way we approach correcting that conflict too can be helpful or harmful. Leaving to let someone be on their own and collect their thoughts may register to them as you walking away from them and abandoning them.

On the other hand, going back to them after a few minutes to explain yourself may feel like you're running back in to continue the fight.

The most important thing you can do:

1. Have a game plan of what to do when it does happen (for both of you)

2. Be patient with each other

3. Know that it will happen again, even with true love and trust, that it the nature of the trauma.

[that-ineffable-devil]

I don't know what it is about Neil Gaiman's stories and characters that bring up so many visceral emotions and realizations but Dead Boy Detectives has gripped me in it's skeletal claws.

I'll admit I haven't read the comics--one more thing on my neverending tbr pile--so I came into this show without any preconceptions or foreknowledge of the characters or their histories. And I didn't do any research on the show beforehand a) to avoid spoilers and b) it's Neil Fucking Gaiman what am I gonna do NOT watch!?

Basically, I had no idea what to expect from it. Except that it'd be queer (praise be).

And I gotta tell you, Charles is getting to me. In ways and at depths I never could have expected. And, fuck, it's making me confront some things I didn't realize were affecting me...and some that maybe I did...

Like the anger. Gods, the deep-rooted anger at the injustice and cruelty of the world and the hands you're dealt. The fury of feeling helpless and alone and terrified during the worst experiences of your life. And the self-loathing you feel as you bury that rage for fear of becoming the very monsters that tormented you--unable to express it in even a healthy manner because you can only associate anger with violence. So you bottle it and bury it and hope against hope you can keep it down, but you fear the day you run out of burial ground.

Like the compulsion to act like everything's fine. To mask any negative emotions with a smile and a kind word or a laugh. To never be the reason someone else is in pain. To try so hard to undo the pain done by others. To be the person you needed most who was never there. Maybe you're trying to convince yourself that you're not a monster. Living in constant fear that you really are that monster, and all your goodness and light is a smokescreen to trick truly good people into allowing you to walk amongst them--and that one very bad day they'll all see the truth and your worst fears will be confirmed in their eyes.

Like the almost desperate need to cling to anything or anyone good that comes into your life, because it has happened so rarely and so fleetingly. The fear of taking certain risks with those things and people because any change can be the one that results in losing them. Yet constantly taking risks with yourself and your life (death?), likely boiling down to "If I go first, I don't have to lose them." Because, deep down, you think they could never miss you as much as you'd miss them.

And even specific moments...

Like using the word "rough" to describe abuse, because how else do you reference decades...or in his case, likely at least a decade...of trauma and abuse without upsetting someone? Without letting them know it's still affecting you?

Like equal parts fear and fury welling inside you as you watch something truly horrific happen. Memories wrapping your senses so tightly as that man brutalized his family for no reason. Being both unable to stop it and unable to look away. Desperate to do something about it but completely helpless. Again.

And reliving his trauma, forced to by someone else? Feeling that pain and misery all over again. The heartbreak as friends choose to hurt you for reasons you don't understand. The anguish as your brain tries to protect itself while a parent who's supposed to love you makes you wonder why you exist at all. The terror of being hunted. Not knowing why. Not knowing what you've done to deserve it. Wondering if somehow you do.

And confessing his fear that he's a "bad guy." Wondering if you're really the villain in your story. Fearing that the reason people treated you so cruelly is because they saw the monster within, and thought they could keep it contained and afraid. Fearing that you won't be able to.

And not every day is like this. Not every day has you feeling like you're at the edge of a precipice. Some days are quite good actually, especially if you have even one good person around. But any day could turn out like this.

But you keep on with the smiles and the positive attitude because the monsters can't win. Your monster can't win. And frankly, you don't know how else to deal with it, because no one ever taught you how to. Or maybe you never had the chance to learn. All you know is that it's all you know.

[wolfprincesszola]

Echoes of 50 Masterlist

Hello everyone! This is a work that's been in the making for a little over 5 months now! I really hope you guys enjoy this, as it is only one of the amazing fics of this year's Big Bang Event hosted at @tss-storytime! As with every big bang event, there's always an artist and I'm so lucky to have worked with @thebestworstidea. The art she did for my story is absolutely phenomenal, so go check her out! ------------ Summary: Logan Sanders had spent his entire life hearing thoughts from everyone around him: strangers, family, friends, and more. He had learned more about people than he ever wanted to hear, but it became very useful when it came to gaining useful information.

His one goal in life? Find out what the government filled to the brim with powerless people has in store for him and the rest of the population with powers and stop it from happening.

Which was why it was even weirder when he had run into the prettiest man he had ever seen who just so happened to have the answers he might have been searching for. Unfortunately for him and for some frustratingly unknown reason, Patton Morris was immune to his telepathy.

The worst part? This cute guy seemed to be completely opposed against the government just as much as he was. Now it was up to him to decide if Patton was telling the truth and if Logan was to trust him in his crazy plans to try and overthrow the government. ------------

Characters: Logan, Patton, Roman, Remus, Janus, Virgil, Thomas, Emilie, Remy, Unsympathetic!Joan, Unsympathetic!Talyn, Unsympathetic!Orange Side, Unsympathetic!Friends_of_Thomas

Pairings: Logan/Patton (Logicality), Background Roman/Virgil (Prinxiety), Background Remus/Janus (Dukeceit), Hidden Remy/Emilie (Remilie)

Word Count: 55,210

Trigger Warnings: Major Character Death, Medical Trauma, Experimentation, Panic Attacks, Emotional Trauma, Abuse, Manipulation, Neglect

Content Warnings: Food, Swearing, Fighting

Art by @thebestworstidea

Read it at archiveofourown (click the underlined)!

<Prologue>

<Chapter 1>

<Chapter 2>

<Chapter 3>

<Chapter 4>

<Chapter 5>

<Chapter 6>

<Chapter 7>

<Chapter 8>

<Chapter 9>

<Chapter 10>

<Chapter 11>

<Chapter 12>

<Epilogue>

[chloroformcurry]

A rather heavy experimental piece. Could count as oc content and as something applicable to a real life issue igs. I hope I took all the right precautions on the tags 🙏

[papermint-airplane]

Ngl besties depression is kicking my ass rn. I'm gonna whine a little bit under the cut so nobody has to see this, I just need to get it off my chest.

* I am experiencing the worst eczema flare up of my entire life. I have rashes all over my body: chin, lips, neck, wrists, backside, labia, scalp, and feet. They're swelling and causing so much pain. Sometimes when I move, my skin rips open and bleeds. I am basically covered in open wounds right now.

* I keep having dreams about my abusers (parents). I know this is stemming from the Christmas card they sent me in December. I never gave my parents my address when I moved but my mother cyberstalked me to find it and then sent me a letter to gloat about how she did it immediately after. She's been sending me unsolicited things in the mail ever since. I never reply but she never stops. I literally havd left that Christmas card in the mailbox since December because I don't even want to touch anything she's touched but I accidentally brought it into my car the other day and I feel like my space has been invaded. I don't know what to do about it.

* Work is horrible and getting worse by the day. Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished for being a horrible child like I was always told I was. Like maybe I'm already dead and this is my personal Hell which is why I'll never be allowed to leave.

* I am exhausted all the time. I have so many things I want to do but I pass out the second I get home and don't wake up till it's time to get ready for work again. I can't even play my game. And it doesn't matter how much I sleep, I never get any less exhausted.

* I'm lonely but all I want to do is isolate myself. I wonder if anyone will notice if I do.

* I want to update my story but I feel like nobody really gives a shit about it. I got 3 times more notes when I posted a zero effort picture of a Sim dog than I do on story posts I work on for hours. I feel like just giving up. Nobody will ever want to read my shit. Nobody cares about my OCs. I am fundamentally untalented and uncreative.

* I want to cry but if I do, I won't stop for hours, and I just don't have the energy

* My therapist is on vacation this week so I just have to carry this around with me until next Monday.