#tw religious abuse

[aphidclan-clangen]

part 2 out of 3

[iridiss]

I want a (non-canon compliant) Narinder whose gentle.

I want a Narinder who was once a kitten, newly crowned immortal, under Shamura’s careful mentorship. Who grew up the hard way, who learned you have to be rough, loud, mean, manipulative, and maniacal, you have to be bloody and violent and cruel, in order to survive in this world. In order to survive against Leshy and Heket’s brutality and Kallamar’s back-handed cunning. He learned from a family cruel and cold that love was a fool’s game, that sentiment was insignificant, that caring was weakness. So he scoffed at caring for anybody at all and learned how to break and toy with people as if they were dolls, made only for his own consumption and desire. That’s what his siblings told him, that’s what Shamura told him, that’s what his subjects and the fight to survive told him.

But he never saw his toys fit for anything more than the most necessary use, he never let them come any closer than professional arms-reach business, and he made sure to throw them away the second they were no longer strictly necessary. And he hated the cruelty of his siblings. He hated how they treated him, he hated how they made him fight for his fair share. And then he kept rebelling against the doctrine of the Old Faith. He would take the cruel, old, traditional rules of how one was supposed to act, and he would take them more as loose suggestions than anything severely concrete that you had to live by. He would start making up his own rules, or ignoring other rules that he simply didn’t like or deemed “inconvenient.”

He quickly became the black sheep of the “family.”

And then the Gods of The Old Faith betrayed him. And everything he was ever taught became a horrible lie. Everything became unjust. Everything turned into a false, corrupted kingdom that had to be torn down, that he could fix, that he could replace with something better. He tore it all down, violently lashing out against the family he had trusted, the family he had followed to the end of the road at his own expense, tearing them apart with his own two hands, because the scars he bore over the years became far too fucking loud to bear. Because everything had been a lie all along. Everything had been wrong, this whole damn time.

And they killed him for it. He screamed so loud about their lies that they simply had to smother the sound. They murdered their own brother—if he was ever a real “brother” to them at all, or nothing more than another religious heir to a crooked throne.

He was a God turned exiled heretic.

So he’d make his own fucking kingdom instead. He would undo everything, and start anew, following the doctrine he always knew was better. What he thought was superior. But problem is, it’s not that easy to shake off the entirety of one’s religious upbringing overnight. He was still clinging on. He would scream and shout about the incongruities and arrogance of The Old Faith all damn day—but then he’d keep Aym and Baal, a gift from his old mentor and oldest sibling, close to his side. He would call them fools and tyrants and wretched liars, but he’d remember the Darkwood flowers with a fondness, yearning to stand in his brother’s flower fields again someday. He would stay in the Lamb’s cult, when he could easily become a constant dissenter and leave like any other follower, when he could attack them, maybe even kill them, at any given moment. He doesn’t. He stays. He clings on to the fondness. He never fully let go of that old sentimental feeling.

I want a Narinder who doesn’t understand what love looks like, because the closest thing he’d ever known to true, honest love growing up was the scraps he’d receive from a withdrawn and uncertain Shamura. Those rare moments where Shamura was kind, warm, gentle, full of love, when he’d listen to the lullabies and the poems that they would weave to put him to sleep, when he’d be wrapped up in the blankets of their webs and their nests. When they would give him gifts.

When they gave him their final gift.

He doesn’t understand love. He was trained to view it as weakness. He still feels deeply, severely insecure about showing said weakness, he doesn’t want to face the severe and violent consequences of welcoming it. There’s a part in him deep down that understands devotion, that already internally understands what real trust, respect, loyalty, and integrity looks like. But it’s buried deep, under layers upon layers of indoctrination, manipulation, fear, insecurity, doubt, ungodly amounts of pain, and rage. He has enough of a natural moral compass to be able to tell when someone’s entire belief system is flawed or fucked up, and he has enough justice in him to want to tear the entire damn world apart from the ground up. Even if it’s just in the name of avenging the kitten in him that was forced to die all those centuries ago.

He isn’t aware of it. He doesn’t understand what’s going on inside of him. He’s never even taken an introspective glance at himself and why he feels everything that he does, he’s never even asked himself why everything hurts so much beyond the simple “my siblings betrayed me, therefore they all must die as they killed me” surface level. Frankly he’s too scared to look, so he pushed it all away and easily leans on the grinning, devilish, mean mask he always depended on before.

Then I want a Lamb that’s everything he ever needed. Literally, yes, as the vessel prophesied to save him, but also emotionally.

The Lamb had everything taken away from them by The Old Faith. They were killed and thrown away to Narinder’s feet like a broken toy. They want to destroy the doctrine of the Old Faith, they want to rip the world apart from the ground up and completely start anew. They share Narinder’s moral core, his drive for justice, his drive for revenge.

But they also learn, through their own cult, how to rule with love and mercy. They save and spare each follower individually, they marry their own followers, they cook for them, clean for them, house them, decorate for them, they love their followers. They learn that there is value and strength in utilizing the “sentiment and care” that the Bishops deemed as weakness. Literally: one of the best and most overpowered mechanics of the game is building your friendship level with your followers. You can’t live without them. You are their servant as much as they are one to you.

And when Narinder demonstrates his upbringing at its fullest by betraying Lamb and throwing them away like they were nothing more than a toy—The Lamb spares him, too.

I want to express to you how much that means, especially to him. I mean, hell, Narinder wasn’t spared by his own family. But instead, this tool, now proven Almighty God, gave him a level of grace that he wasn’t even allowed to fathom before. There couldn’t be a stronger, faster way to take a wake-up-sledgehammer to someone’s childhood manipulation. The Lamb was sent to destroy every last trace of the Old Faith, and I don’t think Narinder ever considered the extent of what that entailed.

He’d been lied to his entire childhood, being told that heart was weakness, that kindness would be his downfall, that sentiment was heresy. And yet here was a God besting him and every other deity/bishop in the land, and still cleaning up their servants’ shit with a broom. And I like to think that Narinder would undergo a massive change during his time in the cult.

He’d start off hostile and vicious and mean, because he’s still convinced that the Lamb betrayed him and “betrayal” is kind of a very emotionally heated topic for the guy right now. Even if the Lamb actually did the opposite of what his siblings did to him. He’s also terrified, confused, lost, and he certainly doesn’t trust any of the flowery, overly friendly mortals getting all touchy-feely with him.

But maybe he starts to show a little more wistfulness and nostalgia through his side-quests, maybe he’s trying to gauge how trustworthy the Lamb is by asking them to bring him special items from his childhood, and when they follow suit, he dips his toe in the water and shows just a little bit more of his heart, a tiny, itty bitty fragment. And then they don’t hurt him for it. They treat him with the same kindness they give to all of their followers.

And over time, he starts to see that the Lamb’s dominion is one of safety. All of their safety had been violently torn from them in the hunt for the last lamb, so now they do everything in their power to make their cult a home. And they welcome Narinder into that home, and Narinder is safe, and he’s loved, and he’s taken care of, and he’s respected, and he becomes one with the community. The Lamb is able to rule like this and still keep their power. And actually, their power is tripled by their bond with their people! Their kindness literally becomes a strength, and Narinder has never seen anything like it before, but they pull it off! In fact, the Lamb literally defied and beat Narinder into the ground because they weren’t willing to give up their home and their people.

I think he’d come to see The Lamb very differently over time. He’d go from seeing them only as an insignificant weapon for someone else’s use (possibly projecting a lot onto them), to bring in total awe of them, to learning that they’re trustworthy and safe, to seeing them as an equal.

I think they’d be two halves of the same whole. They understand each other in ways that no one else ever will. They’re the Gods of Death, past and future, they belong to the same power. They sit on this throne together. They teach each other everything they ever needed. They’re immortals together. Lamb once served Narinder in total devotion, then Narinder served Lamb in total devotion, and now they’re equals in every conceivable way. They have literally trusted each other with their lives. They were forged in very similar religious trauma and bloodshed, they were there at each other’s darkest time, working as a team. They’re vengeance-bonded. They saved each other. They spared each other, gave the other a second chance. They made each other better. Bonded in blood, divine vows, death, and resurrection. They are THE POWER TEAM.

As their bond grows, Narinder would end up letting his repressed soft side shine through. I can see him allowing himself to be kind for the first time, learning to recognize that not only is it safe for him to care here, it’s fully embraced and encouraged. The Lamb will punish him if he’s too mean to one of their followers. He can be gentle here, he can let his guard down and unwind. So he does, and he becomes a whole new cat. The Lamb eventually trusts him with leadership positions in the cult, until they’re ruling side by side, as they should. Narinder moves on from any desperate reach for power, because he’s secure enough in himself to know he doesn’t need to fight for it anymore. He would fight and die for Lamb as much as they would fight and die for him. They’ve given him true sanctuary, true family. True devotion.

[our-arospec-experience]

Be me

Growing up Mormon

The goal of the religion is to get married and live good so you can be married FOREVER and go to Disney super-heaven and live happily ever after

Sounds boring. And kinda terrifying

Parents divorce when I'm 8-13 (it was messy af)

Religious abuse + patriarchy turns me off to Mormonism

Come back after years of feeling lost and "its not really Like That"

Get in relationship, full of overblown and exhausting emotions and not taking care of myself

Because thats how romance works, right?

Be normal

Get married

Have a kid

Oh shit, its really Like That.

Get the fuck out of there (marriage and church)

Get the hardcore amatonormativity deprogrammed out of me

Expanding my world and perspective

Living happily ever after as an alloaro single mom

Way better than eternal marriage superheaven

I’m so glad it worked out alright!!!

[animentality]

[sleepitawaydear]

[0809sysblings]

Amane, indoctrination, and gaslighting

and why voting Amane innocent would be the best course of action

I've been wanting to write a big post on Amane talking about indoctrination and such. Because I see takes sometimes that make it clear the person doesn't really... Get It.

Most of what I'll be explaining comes from my personal experiences growing up.

Additionally, most of what I say when it comes to outcomes (i.e. "If x happens, Amane will do y") will be based on the assumption that realism, not entertainment, is prioritized in the writing and that there are no major holes in our knowledge of what's going on. Theoretically anything could happen since this is a fictional scenario and we don't know everything when it comes to the world, the cases, and the characters. Not to mention my situation was nowhere near as extreme as hers. So although I probably have a better understanding of it than most people, I definitely can't claim that I know what she's gone through.

Personal anecdotes I add to better support my points will be in the small font (this!) since I don't want them to distract from the main text and so that they can be easily skipped for those who may be worried about being triggered. But if anyone needs plain text descriptions, I'll happily provide them!

!! TW for child abuse, religious abuse, and cults !!

I recommend skipping my personal anecdotes if more detailed discussions about these topics are a trigger for you.

At the heart of "good" (read: successful) indoctrination is gaslighting.

Since gaslighting has been one of the many psychology terms completely watered down and distorted by the internet, I will define it just so we're all on the same page!

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation used to make the victim question their own sanity, sense of reality, or power of reasoning.

Basically, you can't trust yourself. You can't trust your thoughts, your feelings, your interpretations, etc. You become completely reliant on other people (usually specific people who are the ones doing the gaslighting) to figure out what's real/true or not.

Toxic/extremist religious groups like to take gaslighting a step further though. Not only do they make it so you cannot trust yourself to judge what is right or not, they may also teach you that what feels wrong is actually right. You can see where this can start to cause some issues lol.

Anything your gut may tell you that contradicts what the group/cult leaders tell you—"this is wrong!", "this is bad!", "I don't want to do this..."—must be ignored. Because those feelings and thoughts, according to the leaders, are actually the sinful part of you trying to lead the good and faithful part of you astray. They make you question yourself to make sure you never question them.

They will figuratively or literally beat this into you until your first instinct is no longer to listen to your gut and do what it says, but to dismiss it and do what it's telling you not to do. Existing becomes a chronic power struggle between your unconscious mind and your conscious mind. Unfortunately, the fact that you're struggling often then gets used against you as proof that you need to follow their teachings. Because if you're unhappy, then you must be doing something wrong. You just need to have a little more faith, dedicate a little more time to the religion/group, go a little harder into your duties... Only then will you feel better—feel more enlightened.

An integral part in making all this work is isolation. If you don't somehow isolate the members, they may figure out that they're being manipulated and abused.

Now, isolation doesn't always mean purely physical isolation (though Amane is being isolated physically to at least some capacity). Psychological isolation is almost just as powerful. An almost universal psychological isolation tactic used by extremist groups and cults is the "Us vs Them" mentality. We can see this being very prominent with Amane. A lot of things she talks about with regard to the cult involves an Us-vs-Them dynamic. There is "Us", the cult, and "Them", everyone else.

Personally, we were taught that those who weren't believers of our religion were out to get us or will, at the very least, get us hurt/killed somehow. We were told many people wanted us dead just for being believers. You had to be careful and watch out when interacting with non-believers; you couldn't trust them. God was constantly testing you via others, and you had to make sure you stayed faithful.

This in particular is why no matter if you vote guilty or innocent, that itself will not actually do anything to change her beliefs. Voting her guilty will not make her start to feel bad and then question her beliefs. Voting her innocent will not make her listen to us and then question her beliefs. If we make her have any doubt about the cult, that's just proof to her that what we're telling her is wrong and is just another "trial" from God for her to overcome. So, changing her beliefs should not be a factor considered when voting since it's completely irrelevant. Everything can be twisted to support the cult. That's just how it works.

I don't think any amount of punishment will make Amane "come to her senses". I mean... what could we possibly do to her that she hasn't already had to endure? Punishment will likely only escalate things even more. Not to mention that having a bit of a fascination with martyrdom isn't all that uncommon in those who have been religiously abused and indoctrinated. The threat of punishment may only serve to motivate her to double down on her beliefs and behavior. Not to say she wants and likes punishment. It's obvious she's both scared of punishment and wants it to stop. After all, that's most likely the motive behind the murder.

Even prior to Amane's age, I was already fantasizing about being a martyr. A part of me almost wanted to be killed for my religion and community. It was seen as something extremely admirable. The ultimate sacrifice, if you will. We were taught that if given the choice between saving yourself by denying your faith or letting yourself be hurt/killed by standing your ground, you should choose the latter. Of course, I also did not want that to happen at all. It scared me shitless. But we weren't allowed to be scared about that stuff. It was seen as questioning God and the religious authorities, which was completely taboo. So I had no choice but to "want" it.

Isolating Amane is the worst possible thing we could do to her. No one gets better from being isolated, and this goes double for people living in abusive environments. She's been isolated her whole life. The best thing for her would be spending time with the other prisoners without restrictions. The more time she spends around people who have no connection to the cult, the better. Trying to argue with those in cults about why they're wrong and why they are in a cult (because most don't even recognize they're in a cult due to the gaslighting, indoctrination, and stigma) will almost always backfire. The best thing to do is to just be there for them to have someone to interact with who is not a cult member.

The only reason I left the extremist religious community I grew up in was because I made a friend who was not affiliated with it. I don't think I would've been able to see that the conditions I was living in were Not Very Good without that friend. He didn't even really do anything to actively help me. Just learning more about the real world through him was enough to make me start looking closer at my life.

To vote her guilty would be to continue isolating her. Not just physically as the guilty prisoners get restrictions put on them, but it's also an inescapable psychological isolation. Innocent vs Guilty is just another Us vs Them dynamic.

I fear that, if she ends up guilty this trial, she will likely be voted guilty again in trial 3. Her aggression will probably only escalate as she feels herself becoming more and more cornered. And since I know many people are voting her guilty solely to make sure she doesn't hurt Shidou or other prisoners, I can only imagine what the voting will look like for her in trial 3 once she's forced to become even more aggressive to protect herself.

And tbh... I can't imagine that having a prisoner with 3 guilty verdicts will make for all that interesting of a story for them. Not that it would be boring, per se. But having variety would, in my opinion, be the most interesting and entertaining! So, if nothing else I've said has been able to sway those who vote her guilty, then think about the entertainment factor!

Please vote this severely traumatized 12 y/o girl innocent. We can give her so many secret cakes to eat.

[error-core-animations]

SM(E) Chapter 2 and the oneshot about Rupert's pre-Mikey life are OUT!!!!!!

@tmntaucompetition the people need to see this. They need to see Mikey's stupid little outfit. It's imperative.

[blessedarethequeer]

I don't think I will ever fully understand other Christians who force such a distorted, corrupted image of God down others' throats while threatening hellfire and pain should we vomit out the poison they scatter

if your God is a God who demands unquestioning obedience and calls you to build walls that separate and isolate you from empathy/love/solidarity with others who aren't like you, while the alternative being nothing but eternal punishment, that's not a Savior, that's an abuser and a tyrant

and abusers and tyrants are far from being worthy of worship.

[britney-rosberg06]

it was actually incredibly therapeutic to me to watch ellie fucking murders a bunch of religious leaders and father-like abusers

[skaldish]

My abusers use witchcraft and claim their Gods want to hurt me and have helped them hurt me but wouldn’t a God know the truth about my situation with my abusers and not help them hurt me? I get some Gods can be vengeful but would they really help an abuser?

The gods would know about your situation, and would not help an abuser carry out their punitive behavior.

As a rule of thumb: Anyone using the threat of divine retribution in order to scare you is 100% blackmailing you.

The point of this threat isn't to issue a truthful warning about the gods' capabilities, but to say whatever statement is most effective at controlling your thoughts and behaviors. Whether your abusers believe in their claims or not is purely incidental.

In my experience, gods don't pick sides in our interpersonal battles the same way we don't pick sides between two fighting kittens. In fact, the gods' instincts are the same as ours in this situation; they try to separate us so no one gets hurt further.

However, unlike us with felines, the gods can't pick us up bodily and move one of us behind a bathroom door until we calm down. But they can help find a way for us to disengage.

I know this ask comes late, so I hope it finds you well.

[star-ocean-peahen]

I was watching one of those reddit reading videos (i'm pretty picky about the channels i watch for those because it's really easy to tip into misinformation and shock entertainment as opposed to the Tea and some reality checks) and I'm crying right now because I just read one about a kid whose family destroyed all their unicorn memorabilia because they thought it was "satanic", and when the mom came to her senses and tried getting the kid some unicorn trinkets along with an apology the kid just. stared apathetically and said they didn't want it anymore. and fuck, fake story or not, that's fucking real. the guilt and self-loathing and self-denial that comes with being told you're in danger of becoming evil if you love the wrong things or you love something too much is traumatizing. it's so hard to let yourself care about things after that, when you're supposed to weaponize your own joy against you.

for me that seeped into every decision i made. sometimes it just made me uncomfortable, other times i would punish myself for wanting food when i was hungry.

i watched the movie Big Hero Six once with some youth group friends, and after the movie i asked one of my friends what she thought of the movie. the first thing she said was "Um, I thought it was kind of heretical." she was referring to the credits song, which is titled "Immortals". the song is about feeling invincible when with a person you love. but it had the word immortals in it, so it would lure me away from God and ruin my life if I listened to it. (she did like the movie btw she wasn't being a jerk thats just how we were raised)

I loved that song. And I hated myself for loving it. Every time I watched the movie or heard it somewhere, I would fight a painful internal battle of the part of me that enjoyed the song and the part of me that was afraid of doom and annihilation.

I thought by not rejecting the "worldly" joys, i was rejecting God and the infinity of good things he represented, because I was just that stupid that I would pick a momentary joy over eternity. I believed I was choosing my own death by loving non-Christian things.

I don't really have a good end to this. I guess my point is that this kind of thing doesn't automatically seem so destructive, but it really can be.

[aphidclan-clangen]

[babyspacebatclone]

My brain’s been in a downward spiral for a while now.

I have something I am close to being inspired by, but I really need some interaction from people to maintain my interest.

So, four years later, would people be interested in me getting up a side blog devoted to Horde Prime from SPoP as an exploration on Cults, Abuse, and Cult Manipulation Tactics?

It would be given a Mature tag across the blog, because I’d want to be able to discuss real world cults and survivors’ experiences.

[thescrappyraccoon]

CW: specific mentions of Christian religious abuse (the rapture, etc.), hell, death and panic attacks

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When I was a kid, I grew up in a really harsh Christian religious home. My hellfire & brimstone preacher- grandfather pastored the church we attended, and I learned early on that the God of the Bible was vengeful, angry, and just waiting to punish us for our sins. The church was in the Pentecostal vein, so I was also taught that if I died without repenting of those sins, I would go to hell. That became one of my obsession-compulsion loops; I was constantly confessing of anything and everything, just in case I had sinned in a way I didn’t clock.

The summer before 3rd grade my grandfather found some movies and decided the church would host summer movie nights for families. I was required to attend, of course; “I’d the church door is open, we’re going to be there” my parents often said.

The movies my grandfather found were low budget Christian films (of course 🙄) about “The End Times”, AKA the years building up to the return of Christ when he would rapture all believers and take them to Heaven before brutally and horrifically punishing the sinners that remained through something called The Tribulation (the time frame when the Antichrist would assume worldwide power) before sending them all to hell.

Keep in mind, I was EIGHT YEARS OLD. I know I was made to watch all of them, but I only remember one called A Thief in the Night. I vaguely remember the sequences prior to the rapture happening, but bc I VIVIDLY remember what followed: Christians ego hadnt repented before the rapture and were “left behind” were arrested and executed by guillotine; others were trying hide in the woods but were being hunted down before execution. I’m certain that I dissociated through much of those movies. As a little one, they were absolutely terrifying to me, and immediately started having nightmares that lasted well into my 30s.

That fall when school started, I was allowed to walk home for the first time. On one particular sunny Tuesday afternoon, I walked home as usual. Our car was in the driveway, but when I went to open the door, it was locked. I want the doorbell thinking maybe my mom was in her bedroom and forgot to unlock it, but she didn’t come to the door. The back door was locked too, and by the time bc I got back to the driveway, I was having my first panic attack. I was convinced that the rapture had happened, and I had been left behind. I sat on the driveway and leaned against the car, hyperventilating and sobbing.

I’m not sure how long that lasted before I knew had to think of a plan. I decided my best chance of survival was to break the glass on the back door so that I could unlock the door. I would go in, get my toughest clothing and shoes, and fill my backpack with food before running to the woods. I knew there were 100s of acres where my friend lived a few miles away. I knew I wouldn’t make it out alive; I had been left behind, and the only way to get to heaven was to die a martyr. But at least I could try to survive for awhile first.

Soon after, my mother arrived home. On Tuesdays my grandmother and mother went to a nursing home in a neighboring town to conduct church services. They had been kept late for some reason, and while they were normally home long before me, today they had been running late. They could tell I had been crying, and scolded me for being too sensitive.

Fast forward to tonight. I’m laying in bed snacking and watching TV while resting from a busy-for-me day. A helicopter or low flying plane flew over my house, loud enough to rattle the window in my room. A few minutes later, I realized I was still calm.

There were YEARS—from the day on the driveway until my late 30s—when that would have sent me spiraling. I lived in constant fear about the rapture, the Antichrist, persecution of Christians, etc. But tonight, I didn’t react. I noticed it bc it was loud, but nothing else. I smiled to myself and thought “Wow. I’m ok.”

Sometimes when we’re in recovery from complex trauma, it can feel like we’re not making progress. Just earlier today I got so triggered by something related to my ex, and then a part of me was so frustrated that it still bothers me. But the truth is, it’s still fresh. My divorce was only finalized **last week.**

These might seem disconnected but truthfully, I NEEDED that place to fly over so I could see at least some forward momentum. If I can get over that, I can get over this. I’m going to be ok. Someday, a similar thing will happen, a thing that triggers me about my ex, and I’ll realize I’m not reactive. I’m ok. That day isn’t today, but it will be. I will be ok.

Image description: a Caucasian woman lies against 2 blue and 1 turquoise pillow. Her hair is purple, almost chin length on the right side and shaved on the left side. She is wearing a gray t-shirt.

[lavender-town-radio]

I manage to tuck away some inconvient traumatic memories behind... association reminding me it happened, I guess. Which is why I only remember my church therapist wanted to perscribe me an exorcism as treatment when ai was a teenager sometimes, usually when Netflix mistakenly suggests horror movies about possession to me.

[pennylunfersqueak]

this is a vent about dealing with transphobia which is based on religion, and wishing for support.

i feel lonely even though i have friends that support me.

my bio family is being straight up cruel to me and everything they say is “coming from a place of love”.

i didn’t tell them i’m getting top surgery yet they are still harassing me, just like they’ve been doing for the past 3+ years.

yesterday my aunt sent me a long text along with a date and place where they have paid a priest to hold a prayer group to protect me from my delusions and wrongdoings - before i actually go through with the surgery which they *know* i will regret since they “love me uncontionally and know the true me”.

obviously i blocked her.

it’s difficult not having a single supportive relative. and it’s even worse when they will not leave me alone. they are choosing to constantly disrespect my autonomy, make gross remarks about my body, etc.

it makes me so angry. right now, as i am mentally and physically preparing for my surgery, i should’ve had a family behind my back. a brother that wishes me a speedy recovery, a mother that brings me a meal after i come from the hospital, a father who tells me to call him if i need to be picked up.

but no.

the narrative will always be that they are the victims to whom i am causing indescribable pain and suffering. how they live in hell because this ideology posessed me and i have long strayed away from god.

yay!

anyway, i’m getting top surgery very soon :)