#currently reading whatever the guy from our group wrote and MY GOD. this sounds like he wrote his first paper ever

[officialkendallroy]

i cannot wait for monday. no more uni group projects. I WILL BE FREE

[yerbamansa]

20 Questions for fic writers

I got tagged by @thetragicallynerdy, thank youuu <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

57 since 2018!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

494,281, the vast majority of which is from the last year and a half.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently just Our Flag Means Death, but previously Schitt’s Creek.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

to wild homes we return to (Schitt's Creek) (5,943 words)

an atypical emotional response to common sounds (Our Flag Means Death (TV)) (6,612 words)

Made With Love (Schitt's Creek) (8,942 words)

What happened in Vegas? (Schitt's Creek) (1,000 words)

actually, the markup is very good (Schitt's Creek) (1,166 words)

I started writing Schitt’s Creek fic when the fandom was relatively small, so I suspect that accounts for the prominence here. Funny enough, the one OFMD fic in this list is the most recent thing I posted. The stats on that thing blow my mind a little (not that ever do, like, big name fan writer numbers).

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I reply to every one if I can. Sometimes when people binge-read a multi-chapter fic and leave comments on several chapters I find it hard to come up with something to say in reply to all but the last (or specific things mentioned in the comment), but I love when that happens!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Gotta be in a time trap, an efficient little 5+1 not-exactly-a-fix-it OFMD post-S1 timeloop fic where Stede keeps waking up with Chauncey’s pistol in his face.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Skipping the Schitt’s Creek fics, because those are largely happy fluff to begin with… Probably the most uncomplicatedly upbeat happy endings are found in Disruptors and We’re Gonna Live In The Trees.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No one has ever said anything unkind to me on AO3.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Oh, god, I’m fucking TRYING, and it is a TRIAL. It is NOT my default, but it’s personal shit I wanna work on, so. It’s generally not mlm, though ‘an atypical emotional response to common sounds’ is the one exception. Currently pushing myself to improve throughout the t4t tealoranges climate apocalypse fic the way things are going (with deep gratitude to tragic for their support and advice).

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Heh, my first attempt at writing smut was a Schitt’s Creek/The Good Place crossover, Wine Tasting! Eleanor helps Stevie explore her bisexuality as a kind of soul-saving thing (look, I don’t know). I’ve written a few other things that are heavily inspired by other things, or rewrite/twist something into the current obsession (OFMD, always OFMD), but no full-on crossovers.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge. That’d be weird.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nah, though a few have been recorded as podfics. ♥️

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes! Ask Me Anything: A TealOranges SMAU was totally co-authored with @thetragicallynerdy, of course. I also like to say that Kitchen Mistakes & How To Avoid Them was in many ways a collaboration with my friend rose, who was muuuuch more than a beta reader, even if they won’t claim it as such. And oh no I’ve dropped the ball on this (it takes effort) but several pals in one of my group chats were co-writing a silly thing together, Public Relations: An OFMD Celebrity SMAU. I really enjoy collaborating on creative projects and would do it again! Though, uh, probably no more SMAUs. 😂

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

tbh ships in and of themselves are not my main approach to enjoying things, though I realize that’s the structure a lot of fanworks take (including my own). I really do love writing Jim/Oluwande and Ed/Stede. I know, boring ol’ canon ships, but whatever. Those guys can fit all kinds of wild AUs and personal shit!

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Ehhh, honestly, if I abandon a WIP, it’s probably dead. I have at least one thing that might look abandoned because I haven’t updated it since August but I swear it isn’t. Probably. Ennhhh.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think I’m good at picturing/researching the setting enough to shade in the details and make it feel real for the story. Dialogue, because I hear it in my head and rewind and play it back and write it down. Internal monologue/complicated feelings.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Oh god, smut. Smut is SO hard. Describing bodies/clothes and probably to a large extent facial expressions, too. Em dashes. Tagging.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I’ve really only done tiny bits of Spanish dialogue in fic. I took Spanish in school ages ago, but have never ever ever been fluent, so it’s pretty minimal and uses reference sites/translation tools to do my best that the phrases make sense in context, etc. If it were more than that, I’d want to confer with someone who’s a native speaker or has a lot of direct cultural experience, but generally I don’t think I’m ambitious enough to try to write outside my own experience in that particular way.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Schitt’s Creek, unless you count what might be considered songfic back when I was obsessed with Smashing Pumpkins and Radiohead in high school in the late ‘90s.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Hmm, an impossible question, really. Maybe all that i need is you and the sea (an accidental time travel amnesiac love story told in five parts), because it was perhaps my first experience with something that bananas taking over my head and just flowing out of my brain over the course of several days, and it touches on all kinds of themes and issues and jokes I include in other fics. I learned a lot working on it, too. I just think it’s neat.

---

Tagging some writers I <3 here who might've already been tagged (i will never catch up with tumblr scroll) or simply don't wanna, so feel free to take this as a friendly wave hello if anything: @emi--rose @epersonae @ghostalservice @bktrashcat @sassygwaine [am i currently re-reading ALTWSS? yes] @petrichorca or really anyone <3

[echoghost1]

The Group Project From Hell

Word Count: 3396

For: @ghostgothgeek

Summary: Danny and Tucker get stuck working with someone that they really don't want to

My final contribution to Phic Phight during the time limit (and just barely at that)!

*throws confetti and then cries*

Anywho....

You can read the fic on AO3 or down below the cut as per usual!

“Alright class, I need you to break up into groups of three,” the teacher started and immediately the room broke into chaos as everyone started to gather up with their friends. Most could just share a look and nod or point to each other. Others decided they needed to push their desks together now. And a few had to cross the room because they had been separated for talking too much.

Danny and Tucker just reached out across the small aisle between them and held hands with each other without even needing to look. They would have reached for Sam too, but she didn’t have this class with them.

Once most of the class had reached their favorite people, and a couple of larger groups had finished debating over how they would break up, the teacher spoke up again.

“Is anyone not in a group?” the teacher asked as they looked around the room for any stragglers.

One lone hand made itself known.

“Ah, well let’s see,” the teacher pondered aloud as they scanned the room for the perfect place to put them.

It was then that Danny realized that his group was the only option. He slowly sunk into his seat and was torn between actually making himself and Tucker invisible or just letting this happen.

His only hope was that maybe the teacher would just not perceive them like usual.

He was not that lucky.

“Ah, perfect!” the teacher said with a single clap, “Why don’t you join Mr. Fenton and Mr. Foley.”

Knowing there was no way out of it, Danny just huffed and tried not to glare at the unwanted addition to his team.

The odd man out looked between the two with a wince and turned back towards the teacher, “Can’t I just work alone instead?”

The teacher rolled their eyes with a scoff, “The project is too large for one person. Unless of course there’s a problem?”

The way they asked sounded a lot more threatening than any of them liked, so they all just agreed to work together for fear of the consequences.

“Excellent! Now here is the rubric and let’s go over the project,” they said with a smile as if they hadn’t just vaguely threatened their students into forced cooperation.

“So,” Danny started crossing his arms with a frown as their third member slowly walked his desk over to join them, “who are we working with?”

He sighed, knowing full well what he was referring to, “Elliot.”

“You sure it isn’t, oh what was it?” Danny asked, pretending to remember the fake name the other boy had used.

“I believe it was Gregor,” Tucker supplied helpfully and with just as much annoyance in his voice that Danny felt. “From Hungry.”

Elliot threw his head back with a sigh, “I said I was sorry about that.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Danny spat and redirected his anger at the rubric instead.

The project was way too big for one person. It seemed a little daunting for three.

Tucker, the organized blessing that he was, already started to break down the project into much more manageable pieces. “Okay, I think if we can decide on a topic today, share contact info and after-school schedules, we can have an easier time lining up any group meetups and get this thing done in no time.”

Danny smiled and pulled out his notebook and flipped open to a blank page, “okay here’s my number and address and this is Tuck’s,” he finished and tore off the written section and handed it over and then slid his notebook over with his pencil, “you can just write your info there.”

Just because the guy irritated him, didn’t mean he couldn’t be civil. Besides he was willing to give him another chance, he just had to get his annoyance out of the way first.

“I don’t give my number out to just anyone,” Elliot said as he leaned back and refused to take the offering.

Danny just blinked.

Did he really just say that?

“Dude how are we going to contact you outside of class?” Tucker asked, shocked by the blatant disrespect.

Danny was doing his very best not to let the anger bleed into his eyes.

“I’ll text you if I need you,” he said as he snatched the note Danny wrote for him.

“Okay,” Danny said with as much restraint as possible as he slapped his hand on his notebook and slid it back onto his desk. “Fine.”

Tucker flipped the page of their packet and skimmed the page, “So, topics?” he said, clearly doing his best to just keep the ball rolling.

“I don’t care.” Elliot shrugged and pulled his phone out pointedly not participating.

Danny turned in his chair so he only looked at Tucker, “What are our options?”

“I’m glad you asked,” Tucker responded, also locking eyes with Danny and joining him in aggressively ignoring Elliot.

Tucker then read through the list as if it was just the two of them. He shared the page and pointed out the topics that he liked or that he thought Danny would like. Once they had marked the ones they liked the best they looked back to Elliot to see if he had any opinions at all.

“I don’t know if I really like any of those ones.”

“Which ones didn’t you like? The ones we pointed out or just the whole list?” Danny asked and if this guy said the whole list he was going to throw him out the window.

He shrugged, “I don’t know, all of them?”

This boy better get ready to be defenestrated.

Ha, see he could use that word in his everyday life! It wasn’t useless knowledge. Suck on that, Jazz!

Tucker had to forcibly push Danny back into his seat. “I know, buddy, I know.”

“We’re on the first floor. He’ll be fine.” Danny said through clenched teeth.

Tucker turned to just stare at him, stopping his calming shoulder pats due to his confusion. “I’m still not a telepath Danny.”

“Oh yeah.” sometimes he forgot that just because he was thinking it didn’t mean that anyone else was. But so often it seemed like everyone else knew what he was thinking before he even said anything.

Luckily his friends were always gentle with the reminder. They didn’t make him feel stupid or laugh at him when he did.

“I was just thinking how nice it would be to defenestrate him.”

Tucker snickered but shook his head all the same, “Dude, no. You haven’t gotten detention in like three weeks now, don’t ruin your streak.”

“Come on!”

“No! You would just get expelled or whatever.” he said, still chuckling at the idea of Danny yeeting that jerk with no hesitation, “Totally not worth it,” he reassured.

Danny huffed but relented all the same, “Fine. I won’t.” he locked eyes with Elliot, “This time.”

“Are you threatening me?” the blonde asked, finally reacting properly to his current situation.

“I don’t know? Am I?” Danny retorted back sarcastically.

“God, what did I ever do to you?”

“You lied to my best friend.”

“I said sorry. Besides she’s the only one who should be mad, and she forgave me already.”

“I know,” Danny mumbled.

And it was true. Sam had forgiven him. She said that sometimes people do silly things when they think they’re in love. Or just in high school in general.

“And I was willing to give you a second chance but you rejected my peace offering, so screw you.”

“What peace offering? You glared daggers when the teacher forced us together.”

“And then I was trying to get past that, and then you were difficult and didn’t just give your info. It’s not like we’re ever going to contact you after this project is over? Heck, I’ll probably just delete your number the second we’re done!”

Elliot rolled his eyes, “Oh my god you are so dramatic.”

“Says the guy who took that ‘world’s a stage’ line a bit too literal.”

“Well I am a thespian,” he said with too much emphasis as he pressed a hand to his chest as he peacocked.

“TMI?” Danny had no idea what thespian meant and couldn’t help but notice how it rhymed with lesbian. He was pretty sure the two words had nothing to do with each other, and even if they did it really didn’t make any sense given what they had been talking about.

Elliot’s stupid vocabulary just made Danny annoyed all over again.

“It means I’m an actor.” Elliot deadpanned. “I mean honestly you throw around the word defenestrate like you know what it means.” he laughed to himself before giving Danny a condescending smirk, “Do you even know what it means?”

Danny felt his jaw tighten so much that his dentist was probably wincing, “Defenestrate. The act of throwing someone out a window.” He stood up to his full height and loomed over Elliot as best he could while the blonde was still sitting down, “Would you like me to use it in a sentence?”

“Code green!” Tucker shouted as he shot up out of his seat and pulled Danny down so they were both squatting behind their chairs, “You need a minute?”

“Yes,” Danny said resting his chin on his knees and doing his best to relax.

Despite that his parents seemed to think that all ghost’s emotions were fake, Danny had found that the more he had gotten used to his ghost side, the stronger he reacted to things. He never used to get so angry. Or to do so, so quickly.

Of course, his parents attributed his outbursts to teen hormones. He really wanted them to be right, but just knew that they weren’t. One look at the crazed-up fruit loop pretty much blew that theory out of the water.

His fingers threaded their way into his hair as he tried to block out the bad thoughts and focus on the mantra Jazz had taught him when he finally admitted to having emotional control issues.

“I control my emotions. They don’t control me. I control my emotions. They don’t control me. I control my emotions. They don’t control me. They don’t control me. They don’t control me.”

Danny took a breath and finally relaxed. This might not be ideal, but he was getting better at calming himself down again.

He stood up and took his seat. "Sorry about that."

Elliot scoffed as he scrolled on his phone.

"I'm sorry about earlier. You're right," he sighed, "I was being dramatic. I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you."

Elliot just stared at him for a bit. Blinked. Then shrugged and looked back at his phone, "Yeah, whatever freak. Let's just get this project over with."

Danny stopped listening. He was honestly surprised he got past the word. The word. Why did he have to call him the one thing that hurt the most?

Stupid heightened ghost emotions and stupid Elliot for poking at his insecurities. He took a breath and tried to focus on the conversation.

He pointed lazily at the packet on Tucker's desk, "We picked a topic already. Let's just divide up the-”

Before Elliot could finish his sentence Tucker interrupted, “Stop.” he said in such a serious tone that both boys looked over at him.

“I’m going to need you to apologize to Danny, right now.”

Elliot scoffed and opened his mouth to say something, probably rude based on his expression, but Tucker just held up his finger.

“I wasn’t done yet,” he said and Danny could almost taste the simmering anger that radiated off of Tucker like the heat waves that made mirages in the desert.

But why was he mad? Why? Did Danny do something wrong? Why did he always ruin everything he touched?

“Hey, I’m not mad at you,” Tucker reassured softly before returning his ire back on Elliot. “Now I know you don’t know us very well, so I’m willing to give you a warning. Danny is like a post-credits grinch. There are just certain things we don’t do. Now, if you would kindly apologize for your rude remark we can get back to work.”

“What are you even talking about?”

“Tucker, it’s fine,” Danny muttered because he really just wanted this whole day to be over already.

Tucker sighed before turning to look at Danny directly, “Is it?”

Danny couldn’t meet his eye. Of course, it wasn’t actually fine. He just didn’t want to make it a big deal. Elliot clearly didn’t do it on purpose so it was fine. He was fine.

If he told himself he was fine enough times maybe it would be true.

It was quiet for a few seconds before Tucker refocused on their project.

Danny did his best to contribute even though he was still feeling a little down. Elliot kept being the worst and only actively worked on anything when the teacher was looking.

Tucker wrote down a few things for them all to work on for the week and suggested they meet up in the library on Wednesday after school to go over what they had done up to that point.

Elliot gave a very lazy and barely committal agreement to be there before the bell rang and they were finally able to leave.

It wasn’t until they were at Danny’s locker, did it feel like he could breathe properly.

“You sure you’re okay?” Tucker asked as he leaned against the locker next to Danny’s so when he opened the door, he’d still be in view.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

Tucker was quiet and Danny didn’t need to see it to know he was making that face. The one where he knows Danny is lying and he should just come clean already.

“Why’d you have to call me a Post-Credits Grinch?!” he whined and hated every second of it. “You know I hate that movie!”

Tucker bit his lip as he tried not to laugh at Danny’s reaction, “It’s just because you’ve got a big heart? And it’s kind of like it grew three sizes recently, right?” he shrugged and added, “It was either that or reference that one vine and say you’re sensitive. But I knew you wouldn’t like that.”

“Oh well, thanks for the save, Aubrey.”

Tucker snapped into double finger guns, “Anytime, D-man!”

Danny snorted and shoved his textbook into his locker a little harder than he meant to, “Don’t,” he shook his head and couldn’t hold back his laugh, “Don’t ever do that again.”

“Not gonna happen.” Tucker playfully punched his shoulder, “Besides, it got you to laugh, didn’t it?”

Danny rolled his eyes, but he did have a point. Tucker always knew how to make him feel better. More like himself.

Less like a freak.

===============================================

It was Wednesday. School had ended about ten minutes ago.

Tucker and Danny had come in about two to three minutes later than they had intended, thanks to the Box Ghost and the unfortunate delivery man that had crossed his path.

Tucker sent Elliot a text once they got there apologizing for being a few minutes late and asking where he had set up.

There was a slight delay before Elliot texted back. First to ask how Tucker had gotten his number, to which Tucker simply said “A magician never reveals his secrets.”

Then Elliot finally admitted that he wasn’t at the library. He said he had something he needed to do first but he would be there soon.

Then it was radio silence.

Danny found a nice table in the back corner that was partially hidden behind the old reference textbooks. He liked it because it was secluded and quiet.

Tucker teased him and said he actually liked it because it was the darkest and spookiest corner.

Danny just blew a raspberry at him.

The pair got out everything they needed and took over the large wooden table. Each of them taking turns to go over their respective progress and discussing what they still needed to do.

It wasn’t until the librarian came around told them that she needed to close up for the night, did they realize that Elliot never came.

“What are the odds he hasn’t done anything yet?” Danny asked as he packed his things back into his backpack.

“Happy thoughts, Danny. Let’s just focus on our own work.”

Danny just nodded and made sure to securely zip his bag shut while also maintaining the structural integrity of it. It wouldn’t do him any good if he broke the zipper.

Sure he’d still be able to get in if he needed to, thanks to his ghost powers, but it would have been because of his ghost powers that the bag was broken. Also, it would be hard to explain why, or how, he was still using a broken bag to those who didn’t know his secret.

Which would be pretty much everyone.

“So you wanna go to my place and continue? Mom’s making lasagna tonight and it’ll probably be ready by the time we get there!” he said as he fidgeted with excitement.

He did love Mrs. Foley’s double meat lasagna. “Yeah alright, I just gotta call home first.”

“Yes!” Tucker fist pumped and sent a quick text to his mom.

===============================================

Danny didn’t mean to fall asleep at Tucker’s on a school night, he really didn’t.

On one hand, they ended up getting a lot done on their project. He got to eat so much yummy food that never once had a chance at coming back to life and trying to eat him, which is his favorite quality in food. His second favorite quality is, being not poison.

Also, Tucker’s house was always way warmer than his house ever was, and it was nice to just curl up in a pile of pillows and relax, because nothing in that house was designed specifically to kill him. It was a lovely little vacation.

The only downside was he hadn’t packed any clothes so all he had to wear was what he had come in. And wearing the same outfit two days in a row in the middle of the week, wasn’t exactly a good look.

Tucker was nice enough to offer his closet, which Danny happily accepted. Only Tucker had grown a few inches in the last year or so and was now taller than Danny. Also a little wider in the shoulders.

Good thing Danny liked to wear baggy clothes!

Of course, Dash made fun of him for his ill-fitting outfit almost immediately. It was like the guy had some sort of sixth sense that always picked up Danny no matter where he was.

When they got to their group project class, Tucker mentioned that they had gotten a lot done and if Elliot could type up what he had and send it to Tucker he could add it to the slide show they had started.

Elliot just shrugged and said he’d send it.

Tucker cleared his throat and added, “Please do so before midnight on Friday.” then he texted him his email address so he had no excuse not to.

“Yeah okay, whatever.”

===============================================

It was Saturday night. Danny was lounging on Tucker’s bed while he waited for Tucker to come back from the bathroom.

The notification ding went off on Tucker’s phone but Danny knew better than to touch the phone without Tucker’s permission. That didn’t stop him from floating over the phone a few inches and just looking at the screen while it was still lit.

Elliot had finally emailed his portion of the project.

Well wasn’t that nice of him to do so at, Danny looked at the time and saw it was past ten.

Lovely.

It was even better when Tucker got to open the email and the file he sent was just a text file.

“Why would you do that?” Tucker asked as he just stared at the icon, “In what world is that necessary?”

They were both glued to the screen and held their breath as Tucker clicked download and opened the file.

It was the most barebones weak excuse of his share that he could have possibly given.

“We aren’t sleeping this weekend, are we?” Danny asked knowing full well what the answer was.

“I should have let you throw him out of the window when I had the chance.”

[probablyottrpgideas]

Tabletop Asks

In reference to the previous post: 1.) Game Master, Player or both? Why? 

I am currently lucky enough to be player in one game and DM in another (both 5e D&D), however ordinarily I am overwhelmingly the DM/GM. 

2.) When did you start role playing? How old were you? 

My first start with published tabletop adventures was actually quite late, in my second year of university when I was about 19, so 11 years ago now, with D&D 4e. However, I think my first freeform roleplaying experiences were with a mate of mine all the way back in primary school, where we had this quite extensive worldbuilding and characters. It was my first introduction to the idea that I wanted to be a writer.

3.) What was the first role playing book you ever owned? 

The 4e PHB, DMG and MM all at the same time. I had a job then, missed playing, decided “fuck it, I’ll start my own” and dived in.

4.) Describe the first game you ever ran or played in. 

A 4e Starters Box run on Keep on the Borderlands. I played a Dwarf Fighter out of the box, which I named Xzienne (which some of you know is my regular online handle). He was fun; in my oh-so-extra way, I kept my game notes as In-Character journal entries.

5.) Which system did you grow up with? 

D&D, all the way. Fourth edition and then Fifth, with a look at Third in between. But I’ve played about a dozen or two different systems all up.

6.) Which system do you play now? 

Predominantly 5e

7.) Longest campaign you’ve run or played in? 

My D&D “Empires Intelligence Services” campaign ran from 2016-2020.

8.) Where did you meet your current gaming group? 

I tend to throw my groups together from among various people I know from all over. My favourite group ever was the one formed entirely of cast members from our local theatre company production of Wicked.

9.) Strategic combat or dramatic plotlines? 

Does it need to be either/or? I feel like good drama gets you invested in the character’s outcomes, good combat (or puzzles or traps or whatever) gets you invested in the character’s actions. You want people to achieve their goals with emotional satisfaction but without just narrating to them; they need to feel involved in the process of making those goals come about. Challenges are not just there for the Power Gamers and the Slayers, they make the plotlines feel satisfying for everyone.

10.) Favorite RPG genre?

I love Science Fiction and I love Fantasy, and my own work so often smashes the two together. I write a lot of Contemporary/Urban Fantasy, and my D&D world is a magepunk magitech setting with spacefaring aircraft and so forth.

PLAYER CHARACTERS - Describe:

11.) Your first character. 

Xzienne the Dwarven Fighter, mentioned above. My first character I made though, on the other hand, not including NPCs, was much later. I think it was probably Tetsuo, my Shin-jin from a Dragonball RPG

12.) Your favorite character. 

Definitely Ortlinde. An Aasimar Witch who was the granddaughter of a Valkyrie, and was mad that the gods would be so callous as to bar her mother from Valhalla just because she wasn’t a warrior, and so tried to stage a coup against Asgard. Fuck she was cool.

13.) Your most ridiculous character. 

If not Ortlinde, then possibly Parian, my 13th Age Bard whose “One Unique Thing” (a 13th Age mechanic that I love) was that he could modify his spells on the fly by casting the verbal components as full poems, which I would write and perform in-session. I once got to add a Fear effect to a Thunderwave because I made it sound like the trumpets of judgement day, and I managed to cast Charm Person but with an allied player as the focus of the target’s charm by making the poem about their character.

14.) The best in-character line you’ve ever had. 

Not a lot of what other players have said have stuck with me, really. Possibly my favourite was Alice’s ranger in Castles and Crusades who said a whole lot of buckwild shit until my halfling begged her not to talk. 

Whereupon she shortly thereafter discovered a secret Dryad home inside a tree, and didn’t mention it to the party. When asked why?

“You told me not to talk.”

15.) Your most epic death. 

I haven’t died that often, to be honest. Probably the most memorable death was Parian, who got crushed in a moving wall trap and had to be scooped up in a bag and carried around as “bard soup” until a True Resurrection could be cast.

16.) Your most disappointing death. 

See above.

17.) Something that shouldn’t have worked, but did. 

Meliorn Metcalfe, Tiefling Spellbinder, orchestrating an ambush in a town square against the people who had been sending thugs to attack the party in their beds and stealing shit from the townsfolk. I set up traps (clay pots filled with caltrops and poison), used sunrods to blind the attackers while we had our backs to the light, and we greased the buildings around the area so that they couldn’t climb to safety. It went perfectly, even after they rocked up with a gargoyle.

18.) Something that went hilariously awry. 

Just recently I was playing in a Wildemount game which saw the party running Benny Hill style around an ancient lab from a Wight. In the process I got nearly killed by both flying knives and a very angry carpet.

19.) Your most memorable in-character moment. 

Ortlinde’s speech to Frigg, lambasting the Gods for their mistreatment of mortals. 

20.) The coolest item you ever got and how you came to possess it.

The Masque of Clavicus Vile, from the Elder Scrolls games, pulled from Niddhogr’s treasure hoard and buffing my Spell Save DC to 27 (including other stuff like class features for the Witch and another item which synergised with those). 

GAME MASTERS - Describe:

21.) Your favorite NPC and how the party reacted to him/her 

By far Celia Sapienza, Eladrin Kensai, who became the party Mum even though she was younger than a few of them. She’s now the head of the Empires Intelligence Services Northern Branch.

22.) A game you wish you could run or want to run someday. 

I’ve been eyeing off Dread, Skullduggery and Leverage for years, but I also recently got the Dishonoured game which looks sick as, and Blades in the Dark, and...

23.) Something you made up on the spot. 

So so much, but most recently I had a Marid sailor NPC who I had to improvise and entire story of his previous voyages. I did it in a Brian Blessed voice and the players, no shit, fucking applauded. 

24.) Your most successful game. 

The Wild Huntresses, finally figuring out who had killed the town alchemist and facing off against her and her pet Water Elemental in the caves beneath the hills. Such an epic game. God I miss that group.

25.) Your least successful game. 

Paranoia, but that’s just built into the premise.

26.) The craziest thing your players have ever done, and how it affected your plans. 

I had a player walk straight out the front doors of a castle under siege. I hit him with 2 dozen crossbow bolts. That guy was an asshole.

27.) Your favorite setting or game location. 

I massively love the idea of Eberron, and I love the MTG crossover settings like Ravnica and Theros. 

28.) Your creative process when you plan a game. 

Typically write about a page of notes for every 2-10 hours of gameplay, depending on the amount of combat expected. Things like important NPCs and what they want, where the party are expected to go in general terms and some ideas for things to throw at them when they inevitably wander off the path, that sort of thing. If it’s really plot important, though, I’ve been known to write pages and pages of lore and character info to hopefully seed into conversations. I also once wrote a full script that we did as a table read for a big conversation between a bunch of NPCs that the party were there to listen to but not be involved in. 

29.) The best / worst character concept you’ve ever heard. 

No character concept that fits within the rules is ever really bad, although sometimes the execution isn’t great. Some are very, very dumb, like say every character ever built or played by the asshole player I mentioned a few entries back.

30.) What makes GMing fun for you.

Players getting invested in the world and in each other’s stories. Nothing makes me feel better as a GM than being able to sit back while the players have a full in-character conversation with each other.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 142: HHAH!! *GRUNT* *PUNCHING NOISES*

Previously on BnHA: Tamaki faced off against three villains on his own. At first he managed to keep them at bay by generating a bunch of giant kraken arms, which was badass. But then it turned out one of the villains had an eating quirk and just kept eating the damn arms like fucking Gluttony or Monkey D. Luffy or something. The other two villains worked together to beat Tamaki up, but then Tamaki neutralized one of their quirks and fucking absorbed the other one’s quirk and used it against him. Needless to say, he beat them, and it was pretty cool, although I’m not quite sure it was cool enough to warrant an entire chapter being devoted to it, but what are you gonna do. We’re moving on now anyway, so that’s that.

Today on BnHA: Tamaki passes out after winning his fight. We cut back to the rest of the heroes as they make their way down the neverending corridor. Mimic starts messing with the walls again and tries to crush Aizawa, but Fat Gum knocks him out of the way and takes the hit for him. At this point things become very jumbled, but basically FG and Kirishima end up separated from the rest of the group, and find themselves in a pit somewhere with two new villains. One of the villains is a big guy who likes punching shit, and the other is a Buddhist monk who likes to stand around and do absolutely nothing at all. The punching guy punches FG and Kiri a bunch, and Kiri has trouble withstanding it even with his quirk. FG yells at him to not give up and to maintain his will to fight no matter what. He and Kiri face the bad guys in determination and are all “we’re gonna punch ‘em some more, goddammit.”

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 175 now, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

all right kids. it’s been two weeks since I last read a chapter. I just did a quick refresher of the past dozen chapters or so, partly to remind myself of everything that was going on, and partly to remind myself of all the cool things that have happened in this arc. it kinda helped. somewhat

Tamaki’s fight didn’t really drag on that much. it was just two chapters. it felt like an eternity -- despite the fact that I actually like Tamaki a lot -- but it really wasn’t that long

and yeah, it’s been like four chapters since they started this raid, and all they’ve basically done so far is run down a few hallways. but I feel like things have to pick up soon, so we’re going to press on

BnHA got the Jump cover again! hopefully that means things are about to get exciting

ooh and there’s a color page too

basically, now that he’s finished beating these three assholes, he’s dosed them with a bit of poison to keep them in check, and now he is passing out. shit

also, “that was far more trouble than it should have been” is one of the more accurate summaries I’ve read in some time

so now we’re finally getting back to our badass 1-A boys! yesssss. I missed you lunkheads

I kinda just want the rest of the arc to be them busting through wall after wall of the labyrinth until they finally catch up to where Mirio is. then Aizawa neutralizes Overhaul’s quirk and they knock him out and rescue Eri and everything is happy and good again. and Nighteye announces that All Might is not going to die after all, and it turns out this whole time he was just misremembering an old cliffhanger episode of the canon All Might anime. and they all live happily ever after etc. etc.

(ETA: you know that anon ask about what I’d change about this arc? scratch everything I wrote in response to that. pencil this in. done and done)

but SOMETHING TELLS ME this is not going to happen

all right, so we’re back in the ol’ villain labyrinth

I’m having so much trouble spelling the word ‘labyrinth.’ I keep mixing up where the y and the i are supposed to go. stupid English language

what the fuck is this title

lol wtf

(ETA: now that I know the meaning of this title, I simultaneously have new respect for the title itself, and new exasperation towards Horikoshi for somehow still failing to see the problem with this extremely dull matchup. listen dude. no one fucking cares if “defense wins championships.” I’m just a poor soul trying to stay awake during panel after panel of blurry punching action. please never do this to us again)

Kirishima’s all “is senpai gonna be okay”, and no one fucking knows, Kiri

but no. he’s not. why on earth did you all leave him. whatever

FG is annoyed that they’re doubting Tamaki

um, no, this is the kind of stupid policy that this series has so far done its best to avoid. in fact, FG, I’ll see your point and raise you one “a true hero offers help even when it’s not asked for”, which is almost the exact opposite of what you’re saying. so WHAT IS THE TRUTH

oh my god Kirishima is immediately doing a 180 from being worried about Tamaki to being all “HE’LL BE FINE”

so am I to understand that you can get Kirishima to say or do anything just by implying that it is or isn’t manly

...actually, yeah, that checks out

so Kiri is fiercely saying that he’s still worried, but he has no choice but to believe in him

meanwhile Rock Lock, whose name was actually mentioned back in like chapter 138 but I missed it but I picked up on it when I went back to refresh my memory, is being annoyed by their enthusiasm. yet again

I feel like Rock Lock actually loves these kids now. right? they’re so fucking lovable. how can you not

(ETA: everyone gives in to class A’s charms eventually)

so now they’ve found some stairs and they’re all “let’s take these stairs”

but then they’re like “maybe we shouldn’t take these stairs”

this kind of indecisive bullshit is exactly why this arc has taken 500 chapters so far you guys. come the fuck on already

Aizawa is suspicious because wth happened to that guy who was manipulating the corridors before

well wasn’t he high af though? so maybe the quirk enhancing drug just wore off and he passed out?

Aizawa is speculating that his range might be limited and he can’t sense them all the way over here. or maybe he’s distracted by the other guys who were still fighting him earlier

I’m tired of trying to sum this all up so I’m just gonna post it

this is the room where Tamaki just finished kicking these guys’ asses. oh shit

now Irinaka’s eye is peeking out, and he’s all mad that the three of them lost to just one guy

and now for some reason we’re cutting back to where Bubble Girl and Captain Cockroach (I forget his name. but it was basically something like that) are restraining the villains who they previously stayed behind to battle

they’re questioning why the villains who were in hiding came out of the woodworks to attack them when they could have potentially gotten away if they’d just stayed put

but one of the villains says that if they’d done that, “Overhaul would have our heads”

this is why I don’t really understand villains like that last bunch who are so fucking loyal to a guy who clearly could not give less of a shit about them

and it seems like most of the current Eights are more loyal to the previous boss than to Overhaul

clearly the previous boss should have picked a 13-year-old peace-loving suburban Japanese kid to be his next heir rather than Chisaki. this is what happens when you don’t have Reborn around

anyway, even though these guys are all complaining about Overhaul, they’re all certain that the heroes aren’t going to succeed in capturing him

-- WHAT IN THE

DID A GIANT BATTERING RAM THING JUST EXPLODE OUT OF THE WALL AND SLAM INTO AIZAWA BECAUSE HOLY SHIT?!

AND NOW IT’S MAKING A HOLE IN THE WALL AND SHOVING AIZAWA INTO IT SHIIIIIT

LEAVE AIZAWA ALONE FOR ONCE, HE NEVER GETS TO DO ANYTHING IN THESE ARCS. LET HIM KICK SOME ASS

Fat Gum is tackling the giant wall hand and knocking Aizawa away from it!

so now Fat Gum has been punted through the hole in the wall instead

I’m relieved Aizawa is still with the kids, but we’re staying with FG, and I s2g if we have to spend another two chapters away from the protagonist watching characters who -- as lovable as they are -- we’d never even met before the start of this arc, I’m not gonna be super happy

-- OH MY GOD

KIRI YOU BLOCKHEAD WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

motherfucker, he jumped in to take the hit for Aizawa too and then Fat Gum obliviously jumped in behind him and Kiri got sucked in and FG didn’t even realize

well this is just fucking great

so now some guy is emerging from the shadows ready to have fisticuffs!

and Kiri is going into Unbreakable mode again!

should you really be using your trump card right away like that. the trump card which you can only hold for a very short amount of time

um what in the

I’m not really enjoying how blurry and indistinct and difficult-to-follow these action panels have been getting as of late. it’s starting to feel like this series is finally entering a sophomore slump. get it together BnHA, c’mon

anyway, this guy looks to be punching Fat Gum really hard and possibly repeatedly. kind of like when All Might fought the Noumu at USJ

hmm

honestly it sounds like this guy was born to fight Kirishima in an epic showdown

“people oughta kill each other using just the power they got in their bodies” oh, you wacky Honorable Villains. you guys are always all over the place

FG’s turning to Kirishima, but OH SHIT

relax, I’m sure he’s fine though

ah, yes, good

this is probably gonna look really cool in the anime which will make up for this panel being something of a blurry mess right now

(ETA: just to clarify, when I originally read this chapter, I wound up with FA’s original scanlation which was significantly lower in quality. I’ve since found their version 2.0 which used cleaned-up scans which are very much improved.

here’s the original for comparison:

so yeah, the improved scans alone help to make this fight a significantly better read this time around. it’s still dull, but at least it’s readable now lol)

now FG is... trying to punch the other guy, but like. well, take a look

FG is very confused

and now another villain is there! were you there this whole time omg

okay so it must be his barrier then, right?

must... resist... urge to call him Chance the Rappa. no one else thinks it is funny. just you

but you know what. it’s my recap though. so

(ETA: honestly, this association is the only reason why he’s one of the few Eight Expendables whose names I actually recall)

so now Chance is punching FG again and it looks like it hurt him. damn

you know what I didn’t sign up for here. another fight with a tier 3 character where there is no plot advancement and where the villain’s quirk appears to just be “I punch stuff real hard.” wtf. goddammit BnHA, I’m rooting for you so get your shit in order already

so now the barrier villain is referring back to the title and clearing all of that up

actually, Kiri is spear and shield all in one. just saying. boy knows how to throw a damn good punch. who do you think was smashing through all your labyrinth walls earlier

so now Kiri is climbing back to his feet and thinking that the dude’s punches hurt him even in his Unbreakable mode

now there’s a single flashback panel of Bakugou, and my god. I’ll take it. where are you, son. how’ve you been. how’s my other son. I’ve been stuck in a villain labyrinth with side characters for the past half dozen chapters. I hope you’re off having a nice time somewhere

Kirishima is looking like he’s about to get all When The Going Gets Tough THE TOUGH GET GOING

oh! what’s this??

is this... flashback Kiri???

are you telling me he’s not a natural bright flaming redhead. what the hell. next you’re gonna tell me Mina’s not a natural pink and that Deku’s been dying his hair green since childhood

although in Kirishima’s case, he did look up to that Crimson Riot guy seemingly in the same way Deku, Shouto, and Kacchan admired All Might, didn’t he? so maybe it’s got something to do with that

FG is shouting at him not to let up his Unbreakable mode, and that if his spirit breaks that’s when he’ll really lose

and the last page is just Kiri and FG looking gritty and determined. but Kiri’s in his Ben Grimm mode so it looks weird lol

look, I’m hella down for some Kiri flashbacks. I just don’t want this fight to take longer than one and a half chapters. that’s it. that’s my limit. starting a timer... now

BONUS:

I think maybe this bonus page is supposed to go with chapter 143, but eh. it works here too

so Rappa’s quirk is explained in another omake, and basically it’s something that allows him to rotate his shoulders really fast so he can punch a lot. to think, he could have been the next Michael Phelps, but instead he wound up being a third-rate villain in the most boring arc. such a waste

Tengai’s whole character just makes no sense to me whatsoever. why are you a villain. you’re so boring. nothing in your personality or backstory offers up any type of explanation for why you would be working for a murderous crime syndicate. it’s a complete mystery, but not in a cool way, more of a “none of this adds up in the slightest” type of way. just because you never open your eyes when you talk doesn’t make you cool you asshole

[whattoreadinsteadofdrinking]

birthday party/week recap aka this post is long af

This week was really intense for a lot of reasons, and despite having slept for 12 hours last night I woke up tired and cranky and full of the bad kind of regret feelings that usually I associate with drinking, only now I am associating them with other things, like being honest and vulnerable, so I’m gonna write it all out.  Heads up that this will be long, boring, and you probably don’t want or need to read all of this since it’s just a bunch of rambling and my attempt to get my thoughts straight so I can have a more balanced day.

I knew this week was coming up and I knew it would be a long one.  On Thursday, I was scheduled to be a guest speaker at a fundraising banquet for a program that gets scholarships for low income students so they can leave our public school system (which in my area, is basically a systematic way to keep poor kids poor) and into private schools where they have a great chance of success.  I was chosen to speak because I used to work for the public schools here, and while I believe wholeheartedly in public schooling, it only works if the wealthy actually pay their goddamn taxes instead of opting out of it.  Our schools in the public sector here are so bad that I had 8th grade students who could not read.  I mean really could not read at all.   I could write a lot about that but I won’t.  

I’ve been practicing my speech but the thing is that it’s a topic I’m really passionate about and it makes me emotional.  As I’ve written about on here before, I began really drinking when I began teaching, so in the past, the way I dealt with the emotions this brought up was to have a beer (read: 5 beers).  Talking about my experience in the public school system over and over, to myself, and then preparing to do it in front of a hundred people, was A Whole Lot.  And then on Thursday when it was time to do it, I almost cried at the end when I was sharing about the progress one of my kiddos has made in my current (private) school.  It was a good speech and was received well, and I don’t feel bad about getting that “oohhhh she’s close to tears” voice in front of people because let’s be honest people CRY SOMETIMES, but my boss made a weird comment about it at work the next day and now I am paranoid that I sounded like an ass who couldn’t get it together.  Her comment singlehandedly took what felt like a victory and turned it into something I am a little embarrassed by.  I am aware that I am the one letting her comment have that much weight but I can’t seem to un-feel it. I can think through it and realize it doesn’t matter and her opinion doesn’t matter but I can’t un-feel how unhappy it made me to hear that, if that makes sense.

The theme of “being vulnerable in front of others” from that night was just a huge carry-over from Wednesday, when I shared some really upsetting and frank truths about my journey in group.  It was hard but needed.  I don’t regret it, and everyone else was sharing, and honestly it felt like a huge weight off my shoulders to be that honest with people about where I’m at, but like.  Telling people you’re an addict is hard.  And you can’t take it back.  They will never un-know it now.  They will know that about me forever.  I feel good about having said what I said and simultaneously I feel like Toby from the Office during that scene when he accidentally touches Pam’s leg, realizes he’s exposed himself in a humiliating way, and announces that he’s moving to Costa Rica.  Then runs and jumps the fence of the office park and runs away into the night.  I want to jump the fence and run into the night and move to Costa Rica.  That’s how being vulnerable with others makes me feel.

So Wednesday, vulnerable at group, Thursday, vulnerable in a speech in front of a hundred people (many of whom are my coworkers, friends, and superiors at work), and yesterday was my birthday.  I planned a birthday that I wanted rather than the one I thought I should have-- i.e, I didn’t invite some people from my friend group who upset me or who I feel do not respect my boundaries.  I also invited people from a bunch of different areas of my life, which, while not a big deal in itself, felt a little like taking the compartments out of my social scene because many of them have not met each other before.  I was feeling good about it until my one friend asked when J was coming and if I’d had a text from him asking about where we were.  I replied that J hadn’t texted me.  He kept asking questions til I said, “well, I didn’t invite him.  It’s nothing personal, we just aren’t that close.”  My friend looked really taken aback because this guy is a close part of our mutual friend group.  What he doesn’t know is that J is a creep who continues to infringe on my boundaries by asking me personal and inappropriate questions, sharing things with me that I do not wish to know, and not taking “no” for an answer when he asks me on a date (I wrote a REALLY long post about this situation a while ago.  It continues to be sucky and terrible.) Our other friend, who is basically the most smiley human being on this planet, began frowning at me, so I clarified by saying that when you have a lot of friends, the downside is that you have to choose who to invite to your birthday party out of a big group and so I only invited people I felt closest to. 

I want to just tell my friends that this guy is a creep but they are men, and no offense to them, but I already know that they are the kind of dudes who are not going to understand why having to repeat “no” to a guy over and over can be triggering.  And I don’t owe them an explanation for that or for any reason why a man may be unsettling to me.  I am not Gandalf, I do not need to be their wise guide through the lands of “This is What Misogyny Is And How It Complicates Women’s Lives” Middle Earth.

Anyway they gave me some weird looks and now I am nervous because they told me they told this dude about the party.  So I’m waiting for him to confront me on that. Yay.

Then I was dancing with my friend and she spun me around and I accidentally lost my footing and fell fully backwards onto the guy behind me.  It hurt my back.  Everyone saw.  It was embarrassing. Dancing has been a way for me to practice being more in my body and vulnerable, a thing I chose to do as I started this sobriety thing, both to take up time and connect with others. Falling over while dancing, in front of literally all my closest friends, felt like a metaphor for this entire week.  Because it turns out that being vulnerable sometimes feels awesome and works out great, and sometimes ends up with you looking like an idiot in front of people who matter to you, and the hard thing about being vulnerable is that you have to accept both outcomes.  You have to be ready to fall on your ass, in public, on your birthday.  You can’t just have the sunshine-y smiley fun times, and have those mean anything, without risking looking like a fool.

I used to cover up the times I felt like a fool by drinking.  Or, I would drink to feel connected to others and not lonely and disengaged enough that I didn’t feel the need to share who I was, and avoid ever feeling foolish at all.  Now it’s Saturday, I slept for 12 hours, I am fed and hydrated and ready for the day, and my brain is just running in cirlces inside my head shouting “YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT! EVERYONE THINKS YOU’RE AN IDIOT!  GOOD LUCK FACING PEOPLE NEXT WEEK!  JUMP THE FENCE AND MOVE TO COSTA RICA! ABORT SOBRIETY, ABORT FRIENDSHIPS, DON’T GO DANCE CLASS TOMORROW, STAY QUIET ABOUT THAT RUDE GUY AND APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE TIL THEY REALLY CAN’T STAND YOU! WOOOOOO!”

But. but.  I am gonna quiet my brain down.  I am gonna cook stir fry and listen to a Beatles album.  I am gonna post this long-ass post, and truly may God bless you if you’ve read this far because for heaven’s sake I can’t imagine how bored you are, and let all the feelings go.  I am gonna call my sister and go for a long walk. I  am gonna continue to see my friends and not apologize for anything I’ve done this week because you know what?  I DO NOT NEED TO BE SORRY FOR BEING A HUMAN BEING.  I don’t need to be sorry for sharing my story of teaching, and having an emotional reaction to what is a huge horrifying injustice that keeps poor people of color from having the same chances in life as white suburban kids.  I don’t need to apologize for sharing my story in a group that is specifically about sharing our stories.  I don’t need to apologize for keeping space between me and people who refuse to respect boundaries.  I don’t need to apologize for falling down while dancing (except to the dude I landed on, lol.) I don’t need to live life being sorry for being me.  I may FEEL sorry and like I owe people a debt for being in their life or taking up their time or whatever, but I know that that feeling isn’t based on truth. and a part of getting that truth to feel real is, letting myself be human, sober, and move on.

xoxo Sarah

[owlmylove]

big ask, how do you make friends?(not you as in you but as in the general all of us you does that make sense?)

aight strap in kiddo. heres how to win friends and influence smiles

first: find people that seem cool, or interesting to you. this is nowhere near as high stakes as it may seem because, though you may not know it yet, you don’t have to commit to being friends with someone just because you get to know them. we all make brunch and coffee date promises that will eventually go unfulfilled, not because we’re terrible people but rather we realize we’re better suited to hanging out with others. so, tldr: find cool people and don’t worry overmuch about it

now, find a way to talk to them. this depends on A. how often you see this person annnnd B. your own confidence level.  

if you see a cool person and don’t immediately know how to approach them, the easiest way in the world to make friends is to open with a compliment and go from there. this sounds ridiculous, but I’m currently at a large university and I literally make friends every day. most of the time, that’s prompted by complimenting them. I once told a girl outside starbucks I loved how she was working that croptop, and she almost yelled with joy, complimented my hair, and demanded to ask for my instagram. if someone is in a rush I naturally don’t interrupt them, but I have stopped by other people’s tables or seats in cafés before to inform them how much I like their outfit/hair/earrings/messenger bag. after they fawn over the compliment, proceed to small talk. 

small talk takes practice. 

and thats okay! most things in life do! you’ll get better the more you do it - I swear to god I’m the proof. 

bounce off whatever response they give to your initial compliment and, most importantly (and easiest for you!) keep the focus on them. try to end most - but not every one! - of your thoughts with an open question for them to keep the conversation rolling. complimented their jewelry? (usually a v. good pick, people take pride in their jewelry. sidenote, try to compliment things people choose: clothes, books, shoes, accessories. although “you have incredible eyes!” is a great compliment, it’s awkward as an opener because it A. requires you to have looked them in the eyes for a long period of time before talking to them and B. sounds like a pick up line. [I wait until I’ve been talking to them for a while before I acknowledge how wow, I’m sorry, the light just hit your eyes and they’re gorgeous! I’m sure you get that all the time, but wow.]) 

ask them where they got their bracelet. if someone got it for them, ask about the gift-giver. if they don’t remember where they got it, laugh and say that all the best pieces in a wardrobe are the ones you forget where they came from. give an example of your own, if applicable. try bouncing from complimenting their hair to asking where they get it done and maybe make a joke about how you wish you could bring a professional negotiator to your appointments, because otherwise you’ll ask for a trim, the stylist will give you a buzzcut, and you’ll say “oh thats perfect, thanks :))” almost everyone has had that experience, I promise.

I should also acknowledge: I’m writing this as a cis female. I can (and do) compliment a lot of people, mostly women. But I’ve been told that if you’re male-presenting, then giving such compliments to people of any gender might be seen as flirting? As such, for those who don’t present as girls: give compliments in a way that feels right for you. One of the best drive-by compliments I recently got from a guy was while I was late for a performance, striding across campus, and a guy passing by just said “Hey, I love your style,” without breaking stride or trying to force a conversation. No matter what you identify as, if you’re worried someone will think you’re hitting on them be sure to keep that air of, “I don’t mind if this conversation comes to a natural conclusion.” Even if you desperately want to be their friend, desperation is easily detected and can be as uncomfortable in platonic contexts as it is in romantic ones. 

so don’t lean in too close, don’t force extended eye contact or stare, and don’t compliment any body parts unless you think you can do so without being suggestive. casually mirror their body language when possible (if they’re leaning their cheek on one arm, wait a beat or two before propping your chin up similarly) to make them feel like you’re attentive and similarly minded.

if you can immediately tell you have a common factor with a person, go for it. if someone’s reading a book you’ve read, or a book you want to read, or a book you wrote, sit sorta near them, glance their way and, acting as if you’ve just now recognized the book, ask them how they’re enjoying it. if they’re a deep reader and go “huh?” as your voice drags them up from the literary depths, give a self-effacing smile and say “Oh, I’m sorry to interrupt. That’s just one of my favorite books. How are you liking it so far?” this leads to any other question about a book you can imagine. 

ditto any t-shirt about a form of media you’re familiar with, or patch or sticker or pin. all of those are just nerd flags flying high in pursuit of like-minded people to talk to. trust me.

once you’ve made enough small talk and, if it’s working well, try finding a “to be continued” thread. could be “oh, you come to this coffee shop every morning to? well maybe I’ll see you next Wednesday then! it was nice meeting you, have a good day c:” orrrr maybe it’s “awww your dogs adorable!! here’s pictures of my pet/any other vaguely related to the conversation thing on instagram. [insert photo sharing, wait until you both stop actively looking at the photo] oh here, what’s your instagram? I’ll follow you!” open the search tab and hand it to them so you don’t have to worry about mistyping. 

also a very, very good method is to find something you can relate to the present conversation that you might not be able to immediately show. so an article, video, a picture you can’t-find-right-now, friend’s name, movie review, the name of this really cool bookstore you found in Annapolis because they mentioned they’re going there soon (if you really don’t mind bullshitting, find out where they’re traveling in the future, claim to remember a bookstore/museum/etc. you went to once, years ago and say oh shoot, what was the name? it was a pretty cool place - I’ll think of it tonight at like 2am. I can send you the name whenever I think of it if you like? [pause for answer] okay great! here, whats your number? and then go home, google some cool places, and text them a few hours later.) anything that gives you A. a way to continue this conversation and B. an excuse for not doing so immediately and, therefore, C. the chance to get their name & contact info.

now, if this isn’t just some cool-looking person you’re meeting for the first time, but someone you see regularly in a residential, academic or professional setting, start laying the groundwork for friendly vibes before you make a move. smile when you see them. if they’re a classmate, try sitting a lil closer (but not crazy close.) pay attention if they speak up in a group. if they drop something, and you don’t have to take extreme steps to do so, pick it up. if someone drops something across a lecture hall, don’t go running for it. but just close-lipped small smile + eyebrow flash when you see them and, after a few of these, try for a nod and/or a grin. if you’ve spoken to them at least once, if only to pick something up for them, you can try a “hey!/hello!” with a smile if they seem receptive to it. if you haven’t spoken to them yet, you’re welcome to try it if they seem receptive, but I usually wait.

if you don’t see this persona regularly, but semi-regularly, you need to evaluate whether the times you encountered them is significant enough for them to remember. please know this has waaay less to do with whether or not you’re memorable, and more to do with how much data our brains sort through every single day. think honestly about this, and decide this: when you eventually introduce yourself to them, would it be stranger to admit you remember the first time you both occupied the same space, or stranger to pretend to have forgotten?

I have a classmate who I vividly remember meeting for the first time, but we never really spoke until on instagram recently, 2 years later. So I never made a point of mentioning our meeting, until he actually referenced it! Then I went ahead and mentioned the highly-specific detail which made him so memorable as a question I was unsure of - “Ahaha yeah, his class was great! Weren’t you the one who _____?” 

Try never to be presumptuously confident in social settings until your conversational partner indicates it’s appropriate. It is almost always more polite to allow yourself uncertainty.

case in point: my default when friends are introducing me to people who I’ve seen around a few times is “Oh! Hello, I’m ___, haven’t we met before?” Assuming you have met before (even and perhaps especially when you know for a fact you haven’t) is SO MUCH SAFER than asking “have we met?” When they respond in the negative, we haven’t, you get to say “Oh, really? I guess I’ve just seen you around so much, I could’ve sworn we were introduced. Well, it’s so nice to officially meet you!” and then proceed with small talk, ideally including whoever your third party member is or, in the event of being one-on-one with this prospective friend, try asking them some questions about wherever you’ve been seeing them (so what do you think of our biology lecture?) OR compliments (Oh, I just noticed how awesome your watch is! where did you find that?) OR any other question you like. proceed with the small talk until one or both of you seems ready to leave, there’s a decent enough lull in the conversation, OR you’ve found a “to be continued thread” which you can string up before making your goodbyes. 

(Sorry if I’m exhausting this post with too many conversational examples, I just know how much younger, more-anxious me liked the idea of having a script to fall back upon)

don’t worry if you don’t get a contact method after the first conversation! you have spoken to the person, laid the ground work for a follow-up conversation, and that’s awesome. keep interacting with them when you see them, but be mindful of how interested they seem in interacting with you. the worst thing is to always stop and wait for a conversation when someone just wants to get on with their day. if they seem impatient, or busy, just say “hey! good to see you c:/have a good day c:/your hair looks great [insert name]!” and carry on. 

Friendships aren’t formed by constantly forcing conversations with a person. They’re formed by being mindful of those around you, considering people’s perspectives & emotions, and having a positive presence people want to be around.

you can shoot them periodic texts or DM’s, depending upon the contact method. best to start off is to send or discuss things relevant to your IRL conversation. if that starts a whole new text convo: awesome!!! if it fizzles out; let it fizzle. wait a few days/week/etc. try asking them for a book or music or coffeeshop recc, because people fucking love an invitation to offer their opinion (what do you think this novella of an answer is?) and then springboard into your own tastes, things you like and dislike, and see how well your views and tastes align. remember, talking to a potential friend is just like an interview! you may feel like you’re under examination, and need to win their attentions, but you’re interviewing them for the position too. 

finally, go ahead and invite them to hang out. you can do this waaaay earlier if you have sufficient reason/confidence to do so: if you compliment someone’s superhero shirt, and they say they can’t wait for the new movie next week, and you can’t either, say this! say you’re planning on going [insert date] if they wanna come get their mind blown with you and/or go halfsies on the pricey popcorn. 

also, naturally: if you’re in a coffeeshop and both clearly plan to be there again sometime soon, establish when you’ll see them next. when you do: don’t seat yourself at their table unless A. they invite you to or B. they’ve been clearly invested in talking with you for more than a few minutes, at which point you can say “Do you mind if I sit?” and then boom! coffee friendship!!! which is also the best way to deal with the natural, awkward pauses that come between topics - you can both reach for your cups as you think of ways to continue

But: if you don’t have the excuse of “here, wanna study for the next exam together?” or “carpool to work together?” or any of the above, go ahead and find something you think they might like too. If you have other friends who’d be down, and who aren’t super abrasive or wild or super super shy personality types, go ahead and try to make it a group hang. “Hey! Some of my friends & I are going to the movies on Friday night if you’d care to join!” orrrrrr invite them to grab coffee if that’s not where you usually meet them, or invite them to an outdoor market or some cool event (ideally with free admission!) like a live concert or gallery showing, etc. etc. 

If you only have their instagram when you first hang out with them, take a picture of them over the course of the night (not a selfie unless they ask for it.) I know how people feel about getting photographed, so I always take a bunch, tell them to try different poses, and then let them swipe through and pick their favorites for me to send them. offer the same, and tell them instagram/social media messagers kill the image quality if they don’t already know. Boom! now you have their phone number, and now they feel good about themselves bc of you. Woooo, positive correlations! if they want to take pictures of you, even if you’re squeamish around cameras, go ahead, laugh and let them go for it. otherwise, refusing the picture skews the friendship towards their ego, and suggest, if only subconsciously, that you like them more than you like yourself. 

from then on, it should be pretty smooth! see how the hang out goes, decide whether you want to keep hanging with them (as I said, you have that right!) and then text them when you want to. and as you spend more time interacting with them, and grow more comfortable, you might have some of Friendship Bonding Moments™ I’ve encountered. such as: being told I played a minor role in someone’s weirdly vivid dream, anytime someone sent me a post/song/video/article of clothing/picture of a dog and said it reminded them of me, sending me a new song they love and demanding I listen to it, asking for my opinion on what they’re going to wear tonight, and/or whether they should post a picture to instagram, someone randomly calling me up to say they’re headed to my favorite diner at 2am, do I want to come? (~Just College Things~), telling me they made extra dinner/food/baked goods and do I want some?

and then, congrats! you have made friends! if you really like them, and enjoy this sincerely and/or ironically, feel free to make them a friendship bracelet to immortalize the event once you feel comfortable enough with them

(although I have also promised to make friendship bracelets for people I have just met + had very positive conversations with, preceded by “Okay, that’s it, we’re friends now. You can expect your friendship bracelet in 3-5 business days.” and they all, without fail, freak out over the mere thought of a friendship bracelet and the implication that we are now officially friends. this works on people I met like, less than 5 minutes ago. it’s also really easy to say “you can expect your friendship bracelet in 3-5 business days. Here, what’s your instagram/phone number? I’ll text you!” bear in mind: don’t be presumptuously confident. gauge their level of enthusiasm before you ask for their contact details, or take the joke too far. but know that most will almost immediately say yes, because even adults who may laugh at the thought are still just little kids deep down, and everyone wants a friend to like them enough to make them a friendship bracelet)

if you’re looking for more than just casual friends: time, conversations and empathy all help to turn casual acquaintances into friends you can trust & rely upon. asking how they’re doing if it seems they’re having a rough day and actively listening, offering advice (only if they want it) or food or an indulgent stress relief hang out, or asking (one of the rare times presumptuousness is okay!!) if they wouldn’t mind letting you vent about a coworker or something frustrating - any time you encourage them to emotionally share with you, or you offer to share your emotions with them, will help solidify your friendship. as much as I hate admitting when I’m sad to my close friends, those that I do admit it to are the ones I trust & rely upon the most.

finally, most importantly and, yes, most clichédly: be yourself. The more a friend learns about you, the deeper the friendship. Never lie about yourself for the sake of impressing a friend, or all that effort you’ve put into making a friendship will be built on false grounds. you’ll never be comfortable or relaxed around someone you have to act around, so don’t! if someone doesn’t like you for you, they’re not worth your friendship in the first place. I may sound like Dr. Seuss or Hallmark, but I’m serious. 

Okay cool, so it’s 4:33 am and I should be studying for me french final in 6 hours, but hey, here’s like 3,000 words of rambly social advice and scripts. should I write a book about this? I feel like I could write a book about this. Hmm. Maybe thats just the espresso & caffeinated chocolate talking. please weigh in on book or nah in the comment section below

Anways, I hope with every fiber of my sleep-deprived soul that some small part of this goliath answer could help you! And if, in my stupor, I outlined every possible scenario except the ones you actually needed to know about, don’t hesitate to let me know and I’ll try my best to assist. Now go forth, make friends, and be you! ♥

[i-am-a-closet-fanfic-fiend]

Missed Connections ~ Steve Rogers x Reader (College!AU) - Part 1/7

A/n: Hi my lovelies, so I was hoping to post the next chapter of Primary Colors this week, but it’s not flowing. Hopefully it’ll be up midweek, but no promises. So in place of that I have the start of the College!AU. Hope you enjoy. 

Summary: The reader sees the same guy almost everywhere on campus. Despite her friends encouraging, she is too shy to talk to him, but will that all change when there’s a post on the school’s missed connections page? 

Characters/Pairings: Pepper, Natasha, Wanda, will include the whole gang. Eventually Steve x Reader 

Rating: K+ 

Warnings: None really 

Word Count: 783

Part 1 | Part 2 

“Why haven’t you ever brought me here before?” Pepper demanded as she smacked your arm.

“To Late Night? Maybe because you’re usually in bed by 8:30 and it doesn’t open until 9.”

“I still don’t understand how you go to bed before nine every night,” Natasha commented incredulously as she stole a fry from your plate.

“She’s a morning person.” You pretended to gag.

“Well we can’t all be practically nocturnal.”

“Whatever works, Pep.”

You glanced at the time and then quickly scanned the room only to sigh quietly.

“Who do you keep looking for?”

“Her long-distance boyfriend.”

You rolled your eyes but otherwise didn’t comment.

“Wait, why haven’t I heard about this guy and how is he long distance if he’s here?”

“Nat’s just talking shit again.”  

Pepper didn’t believe you and turned to Natasha for explanation.

“There’s this guy who y/n sees everywhere and she thinks he’s super cute, but she refuses to talk to him,” she added pointedly.

“Why won’t you talk to him?”

“Because I don’t know him.” Your tone added the “duh”.  

They both looked at you like you were crazy.

“That’s how you make friends, y/n. You talked to us just fine.”

“Well that’s because my brain still functions when I’m around you.”

“Are you implying I’m not dazzling?” Natasha asked feigning insult.

“Dazzling as you are, you’re not my type,” you smirked.

“Your loss,” she shrugged.

“Then what is your type?” Pepper asked.

“That guy that she sees every day when we leave chem lecture. Right? Tall, blonde, typical boy next door…” Wanda asked as she slid into the booth next to you and you groaned and dropped your head to your arms.

“You knew about this guy too?”

“Of course. It’s hilarious. She gets this goofy grin every time he walks by on our way out of lecture.”

“I hate you all.”

“You love us.”

“Oh look. There he is.”

“Where?” Pepper asked, trying to follow Nat’s gaze.

You couldn’t help it. Your head swiveled to look for him too.

“By the smoothie station.”

Sure enough there was your mystery man waiting in line with a group of his friends. He was laughing openly, loudly enough you could hear it even from the other side of the room.

“Aww she’s swooning.”

“I am not. Can we please talk about anything else?”

“Fine,” Natasha grumbled, but didn’t offer a change of subject.

“Did you guys hear about the new Facebook page for the anonymously confessing your love for people at the university?” Wanda asked.

You and Nat glanced at each other quizzically but Pepper nodded.

“It’s more of a missed connections sort of thing, but most people are using it to shout out to people they have crushes on.”

“How do you not know about this, Nat? I tagged you in one last week?”

“You know I never pay attention to those sorts of things.”

Still she pulled up the page on her laptop to search through her notifications.

“Oh would you look at that.”  

You quickly read aloud over her shoulder, “To the gorgeous redhead drinking coffee and reading outside of the main lecture hall in the Poli Sci building on Tuesday around noon. Thanks for brightening my day after an awful exam.”

“That’s sweet.”

Natasha shrugged but you could tell she was flattered as she continued to stroll.

“Here’s one about y/n.”

“To the y/h/c girl who I see all the time all over campus. You always seem to look down when I pass by but sometimes I look back and see you giggling. Your smile could light up the whole world. I wish you’d smile my way sometime.”

“There’s nothing in that post that says it could be me.”

“It certainly sounds like how you act around him.”

“Let’s see what the comments say,” Pepper suggested.

The four of you crowded around the laptop.

“Sam Wilson tagged someone named Steve Rogers and asked them if he posted it.”

“Click on his profile,” Wanda insisted.

Your jaw dropped. “Oh my god. It’s him.”

“I told you.”

“We still don’t know that he wrote it or that he was talking about me,” you said although you were starting to hope.

“Yeah, but we know what your next move is.”

“Nat, I’m not going to talk to him because of some anonymous confession.”

“No, but you can do what he asked. And smile at him.”

You considered it, glancing over at the table he currently occupied with his friends.

“I guess I could do that,” you muttered as he caught your eye and you gave him a small smile.

He grinned back and you couldn’t help but hope maybe it wasn’t a missed connection after all.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed. Thanks for reading!! <3  Let me know if you wanna be tagged. 

Tags are open! 

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[lunarowena]

Fifteen Years

For @pillarspromptsweekly #0053: Anniversary.

So it’s been like three months since I’ve written anything but in my defense I’ve gotten married, moved, and gotten two cats in the interim. And I don’t currently have Internet but by golly I wrote for this week’s prompt so I’m going to post it.

Cross posted at fanfiction.net and AO3.

Edit: Let’s include the fic this time.

Lillian sighed as she tossed another hunk of meat to her wolf, Gideon. Their meeting with the ciphers of Hadret House could have gone better. It also could have gone worse, but Edér had no new information what happened to his brother other than that he was on the “wrong side” of the war. Now the group was holed up in the Charred Barrel in Brackenbury for the night. Well, most of them. Being in the middle of the city, Gideon and Itamuk were banished out to the stables, and even that took a good  amount of gold for the innkeeper to overlook that a wolf and a fox were not standard pets.

“You keep sighing like that you’re going to let all the air out of your lungs,” said Sagani. The dwarven woman was looking over Itamuk. “I think someone needs a bath.”

Lillian tossed the last chunk of meat to Gideon, who gobbled it up greedily. “You’d think I never feed him.” She sighed again and turned to Sagani. “I should go check on Edér.”

“What he needs is time and space.”

“I left him at the bar with Durance and Kana. He’s getting neither. No, buddy, that was it,” she said to Gideon’s expectant face. “I just… I feel responsible and I feel like I should be doing… something.”

Sagani raised an eyebrow. “Is that because you think as a Watcher you should be shouldering the weight of Eora, some guilt from Readceras being on the opposite side of the war, or because you’re sweet on him?”

“My ma taught me to not tell lies, so I’m not going to answer that.” She rubbed Gideon’s ears. “Now I’m going to go inside now, buddy, but you have to stay here. Don’t look at me like that. I’ll be back in the morning. You coming in, Sagani?”

“After I get the blood out of Itamuk’s fur.” She shook her head. “Just don’t go poking any sleeping bears.”

“I try not to.”

Working her way into the inn and over to the bar, she found Durance and Edér sitting a stool apart and the rest of the clientèle giving them a wide berth. The party wasn’t the upscale guests the Charred Barrel usually saw. Our money’s just as good, though, Lillian thought pettily. She plopped down on the stool between Edér and Durance. “Kana go up to bed?

“Said something about a book. Him and Aloth.” Edér continued to stare into his drink.

Lillian opened her mouth to say something, but shut it again. Even outside, the conversations she had played in her head sounded trite. She ordered a whiskey and the three sat in silence with their drinks.

Finally, Durance pushed his drink back with a scowl. “Do you know what day it is, Watcher?”

“Sorry, did we forget your birthday?” Lillian had expected to get a smirk out of Edér, but instead he tightened his grip on his drink and glared at Durance. Whatever day it was, it apparently wasn’t good.

Ignoring her jest, Durance pounded his fist into the counter. “Fifteen years to the day we blasted Waidwen back to the Wheel.”

The Godhammer again. Lillian threw back her drink. “Forgive me if I don’t celebrate that.”

Durance’s eye twitched. “You refuse to acknowledge our victory? You should have seen it, Watcher. The fire streaming into the sky. The smell of gunpowder on the air. The death of a god.”

She grimaced. “And the deaths of your countrymen and mine.”

Durance shook his head, his stringy hair swishing back and forth. “It was a necessary sacrifice. For the salvation of us all.”

“Some salvation. The god of rebirth is dead and with him the souls of your children.”

“You think I don’t know this, Watcher? You think I don’t question what we did? What it lead to?” Picking up his staff from where it was leaning against the bar, he slowly caressed it. “We did what we had to do. If this is our punishment, then so be it. We followed the will of our goddess.”

“As the Readcerans followed the will of our god.”

Beside her, Edér winced slightly at that statement.

Durance spat on the floor. “Readceran. Eothasian. If you had come through these parts some years back, during the purges, well...” he gave a low chuckle. “We wouldn’t be having this conversation, now would we? In fact, still in some parts...”

“And that,” Lillian slammed her glass down, “is why I don’t go making a big show of it in these parts, do I? And this is a nice place, Durance, you can’t just spit on the floor.”

He did it again. “Tell me, Watcher, how can your loins burn for one that turned his back on your god, killed your countrymen? Your brother died in the war, how do you know he didn’t kill him? Or if not your brother, how many others’?”

Fighting an urge to look at Edér, Lillian stared Durance straight in the eye as she suppressed a flash of anger and guilt. As if she hadn’t had these thoughts countless times before, the reason she struggled with her attraction along with her budding madness. She hadn’t thought it was obvious enough for Durance to pick up, and this was not the way she would have liked Edér to find out… whatever it was she felt.

She forced herself to slowly breathe in and out through her nose. It was a test, it was all a test with Durance. If she got angry, she lost. If she acknowledged it, she only gave him ammunition. The only way was to play ball. “How can your loins burn for a goddess that won’t even acknowledge you?”

His eyes goggled at her for a moment before he threw back his head and laughed. “As any can long for the favors of a slut.” He now focused his attention on Edér. “And you, farmer, how can you lust after the enemy, the physical representation of all your mistakes? Or is the fact she’s Eothasian enough to stoke your desire?”

Edér slowly set his drink on the counter and turned. “It was fifteen years ago, Durance,” he said slowly and quietly. “We can’t keep letting it define us for the rest of our lives.”

Durance slammed his staff into the ground. “Of course it defines us. We made history. Fifteen years later it has shaped the world, fifteen hundred years later the world will still be shaped by the Godhammer. For better or worse, we made this bed even if my whore refuses to lie in it. For better or worse,” he tapped his staff down almost absent mindedly, “we shall be immortal in the reams of history.” He spat again and stood up. “I take my leave of you and your blond cur, Watcher.”

“Don’t let your self-importance hit you on your way out,” Lillian muttered as he strode away. She picked up her glass before remembering it was empty and awkwardly set it back down. They sat in a tense silence.

“So,” said Edér eventually. “He’s not entirely wrong. Why do you put up with me, anyway?”

She forced herself to look at him, hoping he couldn’t read all of her emotions. “To be honest, when I first picked you up I was desperate for any kind of help. But you’re a good man, Edér.”

“I try to be.” He swirled the remains of his drink around in his glass. “And I have to hope intentions count for something.”

“I think they do.”

He looked up at her. “About the other things he said, about us, I–”

“You two still up?” Sagani appeared behind them.

Lillian wasn’t sure if she resented or appreciated Sagani’s timing. “Durance felt the need to have a heart-to-heart or sermon, depending on how you look at it.”

Sagani rolled her eyes. “Of course he did. Well, Itamuk’s clean and I’m headed up to bed. You guys coming?”

Lillian glanced back at Edér but she couldn’t read his expression. “Yeah. We’re all tired, it’s been a long day, and emotions are running high. We could all use some rest before we start having conversations we could further regret.”

Sagani looked at her suspiciously but just shrugged and started upstairs.

Pushing back from the bar, Lillian hesitated, her fingers trailing the edge of the bar counter as she wondered if there was anything else she should say, then followed her friend off to bed.

Edér stayed, nursing the remains of his drink, staring at the wall.

[braindamageforbeginners]

The Morning After/Diet

Cycle 9, Day 16

POST-FINAL INFUSION, CYCLE 9

Thankfully, a quasi-legal medical substance allows me to get through the night, and wake up feeling mostly-okay on post-infusion days. I’m still exhausted and fatigued, but caffeine does help with that, too. I guess the DARE program’s message should have been that recreational drug use was bad, but as an entire lifestyle, it might be neccessary (I say that knowing they’ll eventually have to stop chemo, because, again, these are dangerous, expensive drugs that will burn out one’s innards. Good news, the outtards are doing pretty well at the moment, which plays well to my plan to ask for more napalm doses until those wretched new cells on the block give up. There are a few people who know me personally who know there’s a non-minor chance I’m just too stubborn to die. Of course, it’s easy to say that now, after a clean scan (that occurred two weeks ago). And it feels good to say that,even for what’s usually the worst infusion in the series was easily treated by some aspirin, and my new bionic joints (although I still seem to get a nasty wonky leg after infusions). The bad news is that, even with my bionic joints, a simple high-speed walk around the neighborhood left me wobbly. So much for prosthetic devices (although it’s worth noting that gait issues are very common symptoms of  progressing brain cancer; which pretty much also means they’re a side-effect of chemo)..

Also, even though I’m still not looking at 401K options, I am getting a little better at reading between the lines about cancer statistics, and figuring that our society is completely riddled with bad health practices that will automatically make every health issue worse, including brain cancer (Dad recommended looking into going back to grad school for biomedical informatics, since that’s now one of my hobbies). Case in point, the average American turbo-loading on unhealthy diets. This wouldn’t normally be worth commentary, but when you spend most of your waking hours obsessing over your own health, you can get tunnel-vision and forget most of us aren’t leading terribly healthy lives, anyway; as I kind of realized yesterday taking my grandmother shopping. There’s endless fats, sugars, and all kinds of insanely unhealthy junk (so says the man on a potentially-fatal course of drugs). Before we continue, I’ve been asked if I’m on a ketogenic diet. No, I am not. I am on the Jack Lalanne diet (that was intended to be a joke, until I did a little research and found out that I am). I’d normally not go over that, except this is intended for the next set of folks in line, and ketogenic diet is en vogue with cancer patients. To dip into my biochem background, the ketogenic diet basically swaps sugars for fats, and it is a fad diet. Even though there’s more research being done on it as an interventional therapy (that’s “we’re doing something medically to treat an illness”), I only saw one study for GBM, and it only increased life expectancy two months, AND, to be effective, he patients had to be kept in a state of near-ketogenic shock and in the hospital constantly. We’ll call that “Plan B.”

In the meantime, because chemo and/or zofran tend to stop you up; I thought it’d be easier to just eat loads of fruits of and vegetables to keep everything sluicing through me (that’s not true, I’m just terrified of laxtives; you can peruse the archives for that particular incident). I think I’m up to seven or eight a day, because it’s easier to maintain healthy habits than start and stop them (Jack had at least 10 raw vegetable/fruit servings a day). People often talk/ask about changes in taste because of chemo. I usually shrug because my own tastes are largely unaltered; however, upon reflection, pineapples got amazing in the last year or so. Add onto that at least 15-20 grams of protein before starting dinner or snacking, and, my rule is, you can eat as much as you want of whatever you want. I don’t think you’ll want much, though. If you’ve never heard of Jack, it’s a shame, because he pretty much invented modern fitness.movement. He’s credited with starting the first public gyms in America that featured things like barbells (he’s not so much “Old School” as much the guy who pours the cement foundations). And he lived to be 96, so, clearly, the man was doing something right. His dietary rule was - and this is a direct quote - “If it tastes good, spit it out,” So far, it’s worked fantastically for me (and that’s a pretty easy diet rule to remember), in the sense that I’m still alive and mostly-intact, and haven’t lost much weight (but my belt size has dropped by two inches)(to be honest, I have cheat days, and I do have the odd beer or Manhattan). That sounds all pretty narcissistic, but here’s the pay-off if you’re ever in the hot seat. If you are diagnosed with a terminal illness (another thing that skews GBM stats; if I get side-swiped tomorrow and die in a freak accident; that’ll get calculated into life expectancy stats, even if the cause of death is clearly a drunk semi driver), get into a level crazy health and/or physical activity. Cancer survivors have a severely reduced life expectancy, because of  all the side-effects and long-term damage associated with treatment. That’s not just brain cancer, it’s all of them.

And there are many, many cancers that were previously considered “acute” and have been reclassified as “chronic.”  My plan here is stolen from Ben Williams - stay healthy and alive long enough and well enough that the Warlocks will keep hexing me until I die, or the cancer (which is me, remember) does. I realize that seems grim and unpleasant as a philosophy, but that is the definition of a terminal situation. Someone will die. I’m damned if that someone is going to be me.

Because that’s not exactly an upbeat way of ending this post, I will point out that there are all sorts of nutritionists at the cancer center, who all have the secret to staying healthy during and after treatment, and, even though it’s a little mean, I do remember one of them mentioning, in a support group, something like, “It pains me to hear people say they want to eat healthy, but don’t enjoy the things that are healthy for them.” Which is an interesting statement to make to a bunch of people in chemo, because it’s not like anyone enjoys or feels great on a non-stop diet of mustard gas. I am now so deep in the Abyss that “unenjoyable” is almost a vacation. Still, I’m ready to endure more punishment, because my sense of humor is still there, and able to appreciate the delicious irony of an authority figure talking about the concept of “fun meals” with people who are now far beyond conventional fun. That seems horrible unless you consider the possibilities of unconvenional fun. Or getting funny, which was my coping method.

Also, because I’m getting restless with just the basic stress of undergoing chemo, micro-managing my health and keeping current with all my drugs, writing the tale/blog, and/or my ongoing attempt at a novel, I figured I’d start The Terminal Artists list. This will be an ongoing project, both as a form of therapy for myself, and because everyone who suddenly comes face to face with a life-altering and/or limiting illness could use it, and because it was a theme at the cancer writing group on Monday. So, the rules: 1. This is a list of people whose greatest - or best-known works (in a few lonely cases, the only books or poems some ever wrote were started when they began dying) were done in the final year of their life. I realize that “best” is highly subjective, and the idiom “best-known” would require a poll to establish. 2. Even though I use the word “artist,” I’ll happily use that as a catch-all for scientists, engineers, playwrights, dancers, athletes - anyone who produces/designs/discovers/creates anything that would positively impact those left behind is a contender. I just don’t want some estate attorney who cleverly scams their clients using loopholes in probate law; or a smuggler who figures a new way to smuggle and sell arms to UN embargo countries. Use your judgment, folks. 3. Ideally, you’d pair a specific person with their song/album/film/discover etc., but if it’s an extremely well-known (or prolific) artist/whatsit, I’ll bend the rules and do some research 4. people who are so prolific that they have works published after they die will be on the list, because the only thing cooler than giving the Reaper the finger and leaping on the keyboard (or easel, or guitar, or wet bench) is leaving such a vast, consistent body of work, it’s still considered awesome when you aren’t around to advocate for it

THE LIST SO FAR.... -Vincent van Gogh - “Starry Night” -Jimi Hendrix - “Angel” -Howard Ashman (Playwright/lyricist/) - “Beauty and the Beast” and “Aladdin” - Paul Kalanithi (surgeon/writer) - “When Breath Becomes Air” -Nina Riggs (writer) - “The Bright Hour” -Warren Zevon - “The Wind” -Freddie Mercury - “The Show Must Go On” -Johnny Cash -Michael Crichton (writer, minor demi-god to all sci-fi fans) - Pirate Latitudes -Samuel Clemens (writer) - Autobiography -Roy Orbison (minor private music teacher - “You Got It”

[violetbeachpod]

transcript: 9 - communication issues

Okay, so, we’re doing this again. Cool. Sup. It’s your girl.

No. No. That’s bad.

Charlotte, here. Cranor-Liu. From here. You know me. I know you. We’re friends. That’s--a thing that’s happening.

I have a better opening line. But first, a foreword. A preface? Not sure, not really giving two shits, but.

Cool.

So. Each of you individually texted me a potential opener for this. To be fair, and because they were all equally dumb and bad, I will read all of them individually.

Benji Ahuja, local small business owner and general huge nerd and also my worst enemy, but, like, in a friendly rivalry way, we are both so committed to this bit where we pretend to hate each other, okay, says: We got a real life possession on our hands, folks!

Corny. Bad. Sounds like a line from an 80s disaster movie, which, actually, is probably what you were going for.

I have never seen an 80s disaster movie. Was that 80s or 70s? Again, don’t really care. That’s rhetorical.

AJ Diggs, very good barista and very bad lab partner, yeah, dude, I am still bitter about that physics project from eighth grade where I had to write the whole paper at 3 AM, says: Did I miss anything?

He also used emojis in that, but I’ll spare him the embarrassment of reading out what they were. Actually--they were interrobangs, and then the 100 one a few times, as a joke, maybe? I don’t know if he knows what that one means. He’s not hip. He’s like a grandpa in a teen body. Wears the sweaters and everything. Not in the Macklemore way, which wouldn’t help him either, but in the actual grandpa way. He’s not even trying to be cool. He just dresses like a grandpa.

I love him very much. He is my dearest friend in the world. Thank you. Now, AJ, please never remind me that I said that.Because I can and will curse you and make you into a werewolf man or something. Cuz I’m evil and magical and can destroy you.

Robin Harper, writer and general icon: Can you maybe mention that my wedding was nice? I feel like Teresa didn’t acknowledge that enough. I’m kidding. LOL. Open it with, like. A message of concern. Say something nice, Charlotte. I love you. Hope you’re having a nice day. But. Please. Heart emoji. Heart emoji. Heart emoji.

Teresa literally told us not to be nice, so, uh, no. Love you too though.

Elaine Harper, crazy cat lady and also an icon: Dealing With Your Girlfriend From An Alternate Universe For Dummies is an easy book to write.

That’s--no one read those books. Did you read those books? Elaine, you’re legally obligated to tell me. Boom, roasted, whatever. I--that’s not even funny, Elaine, and you seemed to be, like, slightly cool, so, uh, thanks for ruining that illusion. I should have known, from the fact that you were getting married to Robin, but, alas, your cool vibes distracted me from that.

Teresa Marin, who sometimes gets possessed and who is also a student: Teresa Marin, more like Teresa Scarin’ me!

I absolutely refuse. No further comment. And, then, and here’s the interesting part:

Angie Thompson, student who wants, desperately, to be a singer-songwriter, but, like, who knows, maybe her music’s just not for me?: Teresa Marin, more like Teresa Scarin’ me!

Thinking about it, Angie probably sent that from both of their phones. Teresa’s not funny, but, uh, her jokes are better than that. I hope. Oh my God, I hope. Because Teresa is, like. Not a rhyming humor type of person. I know her well enough to know that, okay?

Anyway, so, uh, here’s my opener:

Can we learn how to, like, communicate like normal human goddamned beings about, like, the alternative universe that has entered into our lives? Like, I get not sharing out publicly, but we all know about it. We can, like, maybe tell each other about being possessed as soon as it happens the first time.

Look, my girlfriend, Mae Babson who, yes, is from an alternate universe, and who is also super cool and great and is my girlfriend and who is not a nerdlord, unlike you weirdasses and also me, was raised in a place where she cannot lie.

Which is sort of a cool thing, from, like, a moral standpoint, even though it was used to hurt her and those around her.  Y’know what I mean?

Listen, look, listen, maybe we as a group of friends can take a page out of the book of the evil villain or whatever we’re calling him and, like, tell each other the truth.

But that’s—whatever. Whatever. We can make a Google Doc or something? Maybe. As a solution to this whole info-sharing crisis we’re having with each other.

Okay. So.

How’s me? How’s Charlotte? How is she doing? How on top is she? Is she still killing it?

Of course she is. But let’s elaborate. We need elaboration, here.

Well. I’m directing a one act that I wrote. That’s cool. My first few pitches got rejected, but, uh, the current one’s pretty good, so. I’m cool with that. And this one hopefully won’t get ruined by paranormal happenings. So. That’s cool. It’s a subversion of vampire romance tropes and a subtle commentary on heteropatriarchy in YA fiction. Because I’m that good.

Uh. I got a job? That’s something. Just heard back yesterday, I’ve actually only told AJ so far, so. Cool? It’s at the Bean Zone, so. AJ’s training me. So that’ll be a fun experience for all of us, which is to say, AJ, I’m going to make your life hell and there is nothing you can do to stop me. Absolutely nothing. Because Amanda loves me.

Mae is finally coming out of her shell, a little bit. You guys are—thanks for being good to her. I’m being genuine here. It’s very difficult to, uh. Cope? I guess, for her, and you guys are being genuinely cool.

Once you got over the whole alternate universe, thing, I mean, like. Thanks for not grilling her ever, but. You need to—

Whatever. Whatever. I’m not about to get sappy. I don’t do sappy. I’m a huge badass, and, as such, I don’t get sappy. We can all accept this about me.

I’m about to update you on Weird Shit. Because that, assholes, is the point of these. I mean, you could maybe argue that this is, as a group of people who are generally terrible at being alive and interacting at other people, a way for us to interact with other people, but.

Nah.

This is for weird shit updates. Those and only those

So. Teresa has been getting possessed on and off for months. If you’ve somehow managed to forget, which I haven’t. And my memory’s not great, so, I’m assuming that you’ve all remembered that. That’s cool. Kinda scary, but cool. Good to have that particular knowledge secured in terms of Weird Shit That’s Going Down Annual, a magazine edited by me.

But.

Uh. Mae seems to be the only fully successful—y’know. transport of a person to this world. She’s not sure why. I think it’s because she’s just very good at everything, but. She broke into a museum and everything, like, pulled a heist and all. Which is very cute. Very cool.

She doesn’t have a double. Most other people who’ve tried—do. There’s not another Mae Babson. There is another me, another Teresa, you get it. I don’t know—and really, I don’t care about why there aren’t doubles of certain people. That’s not—that’s a stupid thing to spend time caring about. For me. You guys can go wild on it, but, honestly? I’m cool with there being a second me. Mae says she’s chill.

Presumably, she’s—she’s extremely chill. And Mae—Mae didn’t know her super well, I guess? Because I’m—I’m sure that she’d like her. Probably better.

Because, uh. She’d understand and everything. And she’s probably a little. Y’know. More—determined. Sharper. Y’know? Because she’s—

I should not get jealous of myself in an alternate universe. She probably has self-esteem issues too.

Doc David Diggs says I need to work on projection. I’ve been talking to him. Do we all talk to him? I know that Angie does. And AJ doesn’t. But. Yeah.

Uh. Other Weird Shit. Hm. Let’s get into that. That’s—going on. Certainly, certainly, def, def, obvi, obvi, y’know how it is. More blank-faced people—failed travelers, I guess. The board is still a thing. I’ve snuck into a few meetings, and, uh. They’re pulling, uh, some shit. I took notes and everything. I’m not even taking APUSH notes anymore, so we can see that this actually matters to me.

Also, I still have a 93 in that class, so, uh, guess who’s on top? Yeah. I am a genius, thank you, thank you, thank you.

So. Notes. Notes on notes. Hell yeah.

So, I kept a chart of this, so.

Names of people on the board that I can make out are:

Hamish South

Katherine (not sure if it’s with a c or a k or a y or whatever? that’s a bad name to have. don’t name your child catherine. please) Brooks

Frederick Lewis

Daniel Wexton

Lisa Barnes

And there are a few others, but I can’t get their names. Mae doesn’t know any of the names, says that they’re way too secretive over there, so. Cool. You know how it is.

I have a few sketches of their faces, but they’re not great and I kind of have an issue with noses, so Mae can’t recognize them. None of them have doubles.

Daniel Wexton is the one who grabbed me, I think. Same voice and everything. Can’t quite make out his features, but.

These are the bad guys. That should be, uh, pretty obvious. But they’re the bad guys! That’s cool to know! Cue graphic, cheesy music, the more you know, and all the rest. Eugh. That’s—

So. Cool. We know who we’re going after.

Okay, more notes. Evil plans:

-Necromancy. The rest turned to sirens and other really painful noises, but I got necromancy? so? That’s important. I think it’s to get our boy Andy back, because this is very much a cult, which, cool, we’re infiltrating a cult, and by we’re, I mean me, and by infiltrating, I mean spying on, because I’m not technically getting into the cult itself. I’m just listening. You get me.

-Cut back on drama spending. That’s an evil plan. It’s the evil plan in every Muppet movie, and the board is doing it, so it counts. And yes, I do love the Muppets. I have emotions. I’m only human. I have a heart. None of you are allowed to repeat this to anyone ever. But, anyways, how fucked up is that? Not only are they trying to kill people, they’re also trying to take away my whole Thing, so. Yeah! Love this!

-Eliminate travelers from their place to ours, which makes sense, but which is, uh terrifying. Not much else to say, but it’s. Y’know. A thing that’s happening.

-Benji’s name came up one time but I got bored, so I stopped writing. Also the janitor walked in so I had to run before I got caught by anyone?

And that’s all that’s really relevant.

Um. I don’t really know how to end this? I guess--I just have to reaffirm that we know who the hell we’re investigating, and maybe fighting? Is this a showdown thing? Will there be a climactic battle sequence? Cuz I’m good at those. I can punch. Ask AJ.

So. Yeah. Update complete. This is Charlotte, signing off for now, cuz, uh. I--are we still doing sign-offs? Should I get a, uh. Like a normal one? Or one that we all use? Because I don’t trust you to come up with those things, because you’re clearly all less charming than me.

So. Yeah. We’re not doing that.

I do love you guys. Stay safe. Tell me if something happens.

Bye.

[surflove808]

Fan Wars:  A New Hope.  Damnit.

I sure do hope you like reading lots of words!!

Here's the remix (Edited.  Longer.  Angrier.  Yay!):  I’m about to get all fire and brimstone up in here.  I apologize in advance.

Regarding my blog post re:  The Joke Debacle, most everyone has been so thoughtful, mature, kind and open minded about the discussion matter, even if they didn’t necessarily agree with me.  So that right there, shows me that it’s possible for all of us to be more understanding with each other regardless of our ships or faves or whatever.  And I’m an open-minded, open book, so even if you don’t agree with me, this is a safe place to vent concerns or frustrations with what I say.  We can all respectfully disagree, meet in the middle or go just back to our own corners.  Whatever.  

I'd like to encourage those of you who are taking your frustrations out on anyone who agrees with points made in my article (on Twitter or wherever) to come speak directly to me if you have an issue. I wrote it, after all.  My blog is helpfully linked right there in the article.  I don't bite. And for those of you who aren't overly familiar with what's going on, please check out the many, many comments attached to my actual blog post, and you will be able to see that there are far more people that are fed up with these bad apples, than there are bad apples.  I hope.  And if there are apples that don’t feel like they’re being given a fair shake, I’d like to hear from those apples too.

When I posted my angry rant last week, I didn’t expect it to gain so much traction.  But it did…and it showed me I wasn’t alone, and that there are a lot of fed up fans out there, and justifiably so, who are looking for an end to this ridiculous inner-fandom civil war.  I'm relatively new to Tumblr. I wasn't expecting to become the unofficial mouthpiece for this issue.  

I was approached by movietvtechgeeks.com asking if they could use my blog post in an article about the cyberbullying that’s happening in this fandom, so I said “Sure!”  I’m honored that someone would want to print my rambling.  But of course, it’s also opened up the floor on Twitter, yet again, for certain people to deliberately misconstrue the content and twist it to suit their own agenda in the comment sections.  What they fail to realize is…they’re only proving why we needed this article in the first place.  So, joke’s on them!!  However…. now I feel obligated to come on here and clarify my intent and that’s friggin irritating.

Here is the article if you want to take a looksee:  https://twitter.com/movietvtechgeek/status/927578926397952000

I NEED TO MAKE A FEW THINGS CRYSTAL CLEAR (apparently):

1.  I don’t have a ship.  I don’t dislike shippers.  (Ship away!  I just dislike pushy people with no sense of boundaries)  So please do not misconstrue anything I say as promoting or denigrating *a* ship. You do you.  Let me do me.  Well, that sounded vaguely dirty… you know what I mean.  I’m just gonna ship me with myself now.  Nobody can love me quite like me.  

2.  I don’t stan an actor, and I don’t think that because someone likes “another” actor (whomever that might be) more, that it’s a direct affront to me or them.  I tag all these "relevant to the post” actors because I think they’re all relevant to the success of this show, and sadly….also to this juvenile ridiculousness that seems to be brewing between fan factions.  

But, if I’m being honest?  Full disclosure:  I do have a favorite!  Jensen. Heyyyoooo!  I think he’s an incredibly talented actor IN MY OPINION, and I like his extraordinarily expressive face. See?  Simple as that.  Is that a problem?  And do you feel better now that it’s out in the open? 

We can all have opinions, and favorites without “throwing feces like howler monkeys” to quote a certain dickhead angel.  And as far as personalities and talent go?  They’re all amazing, and they all belong, IN MY OPINION.  The main cast, the supporting cast, new castmates, former castmates…. they all just…gel.  You know?  It’s some kind of voodoo magic.  And they’re by all accounts, really decent people doing good things out there in the world.  Without any one of them, it wouldn’t be the show we all know and love.  And if you don’t love the SHOW, well….I guess fucking go watch something else?  Right??  

Listen....Unless you’re tied to a chair Clockwork Orange-style, and being force fed this show by some evil, covert government agency… you DO have other choices.

3.  I sucked it up and joined Twitter because there seems to be an attack dog, hive-mind situation happening that seems hell bent on cowing people into submission.  That shit doesn’t fly with me.  And if I’m on there and see bullying, damaging misinformation or harassment… I’m going to get in the fray.  But I’m going to TRY to do it with honesty, integrity and a sense of humor.  I want to sit at the adults table on Turkey Day.  Not at the kids table with Weird Uncle Augustus.  Know what I mean?  Don’t be that guy.

AND ONCE MORE FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK:   To be clear - I’m not speaking to ONE specific group of people.  However, if you look into the mirror I’m holding up and see your own reflection?  I’m probably talking to you.

4.  I’m not going to choose a “side”.  I choose the show, it’s actors, crew, writers, etc, collectively.   Because they all work their asses off, both on and off the set to give us fans so much more than just entertainment.  

5.  If someone wanted to hold a mirror up to this fandom right now, via a juicy documentary on the ship wars, fighting factions, undermining, conspiracy theories, revenge tactics, harassment campaigns, etc…. I think its safe to say, we’re all gonna be pretty fucking embarrassed.  Let’s hope that never happens.  I’m cringing just thinking about it.  But we deserve it, if we keep on with this petty bullshit, ya know? 6.  My blog post was not about for J2 "stans” or about Misha “stans”, for gods sake people. This post was about how splinter groups (for lack of a better term) were being damaging and disruptive (As they do.) and how it’s bad for EVERYONE when we let warring factions steamroll over everyone else, AND each other. This post was a direct response to the organized and brutally efficient Twitter campaign that somehow found its way into the laps of a handful of online news sites in an effort to publicize an off-color joke in order to take advantage of the current climate in the entertainment industry and start a viral witch hunt.  *I just ran out of breath.  Time for a James Brown pause*

7.  My post was also aimed at the Twitter spamming campaigns that Shatner and Pellegrino, as well as J2 had to put up with in the past few weeks.  And don't feed us that horsehit about them bullying the poor fans that spoke their minds. NO.  You collectively went on, and started shit, kept coming at them, and they defended themselves.  And rather maturely, considering.  It’s about groups of people that have gotten so wrapped up and out of control, that they’re poisoning this fan family.  I genuinely feel concerned that some folks are confusing reality with fiction, here.

8.  If you look back farther on my Tumblr page (?) to the good ol days of last Thursday (?) - particularly the Silent Majority post - that post is not in reference to any fan or any actor, specifically.  It’s in reference to the majority of fans who want to do the right thing, WANT to help out, WANT to just enjoy the damn show without all this drama and hate.  But because they’re quiet, and they’re not able to speak their minds without fear of retribution…. they’re vastly under-represented.  And so, the assholes of the fandom run amok unchallenged. THAT’S the majority I’m speaking of.   9.  I abhor anyone that lurks around on social media looking for people to mess with. So, imagine my surprise and disappointment that now I’M that person, because of this fucking shit!!  I’m only getting after people who are picking on others, but still… lurking, arguing.  Utter waste of valuable time.  Yours and mine.

Saturday night I apparently pissed off the leader of one of the SPN gangs (what do you call them??)  when I called her out on her behavior and was ominously told:  “Wanna see what happens when I tell my followers what to think and do”.  To which I responded “I already have.  And it’s deplorable”  And then offered to provide her with my name, # and home address.  She didn’t want it.  I don’t know why.  I thought it was funny!  I NEVER get hate mail... and I was looking forward to some postcards.  I’m old school that way.  Don’t hate tweet me.  Send me a hate postcard featuring something cool from your state.

Jokes aside....that’s the kind of crap that mobilized me in the first place.  

I tried to have a reasonable conversation with this individual and even asked if she wanted to take it offline and talk.  I followed her lead, conversationally, did snark back when required...but just when I thought we were going to have a reasonable discussion, she pulled the rug out.  I tried.  If you’re reading this and you feel misrepresented, or misunderstood, or you’re trying to misrepresent our conversation - the door is still open if you want to talk.  But I’m not going to tolerate your bullshit, and neither should anyone else.

Who ARE these people?  And why is this happening?  That’s my question.

10.  I'm not here to listen to arguments that a 6-year old might find compelling in a court of law, such as:  Well, Jensen told that joke a year ago, or Misha said thisthatandtheotherthing back in the day...so why are you only talking about Jareds joke?  

Well...because this is not a tit-for-tat thing.  I'm talking about the issue that is relevant RIGHT NOW.  And this is far from a "blame it on Jared" thing.  I feel awful for the guy.  For both of them for even being looped into this insanity.  The intent of my blog post was to address very current events that have been demonstrative of the current, toxic climate brewing in the SPN fandom.  I’m NOT here to write the Unabridged History of SPN Actors and Their Fondness for Off-Color Jokes.  

11.  If you're all wound up and offended by what I wrote?  It's probably because I wrote this blog post not for you, but about you.  OR, you've not been provided with context, content or clarity, and you got swept up in this manufactured hysteria and reacted.  OR, you think I’m a total asshole, and that’s ok.  I get it!  And I understand how my post could make some of you defensive and prickly.  But hey, as the saying goes... don't start none, won't BE none.  On the flip side, as someone eloquently stated (ahem, CarolHansson) "It's ok to be offended....it's also ok to not be offended"

12.  I am not a rape apologist.  And neither are the actors.  And to even insinuate that any of us, by extension of supporting Jared or Jensen in this situation, are pro "rape culture", is appropriating a term and using it so irresponsibly that you're negating the real suffering of sexual abuse survivors.  The more you trivialize it, the more you take away its power. Stop using manufactured concern for survivors as your jumping-off point for harassment, and START asking yourself what's really motivating you to use that argument as an excuse for your behavior. BTW,  #Metoo, and you sure as hell don't represent ME.

If you want to see a record of this casts achievements for mental health awareness, LGBTQ rights, anti-bullying and womens issues, to name a few - it's a simple Google search away.  That's on your time.  Not mine.  Again....not here to write their autobiography.  This piece is an opinion piece.  I try to be balanced, but that’s as far as it goes.  I'm not CNN.  

13.  MISHA:  Misha was not mentioned in my post because Misha was not under fire last week or the week before over this stupid bullshit.  If I SEE that happening, I’ll write about THAT.  But HE was not the focus of this mess.  So I left HIM out of it.  Does that make sense?  And also?  I'm not here to equally represent all actors at all times.  That's not how this works in the context of the subject matter at hand.  If you want to see more adequate representation for your favorite actor  - write your own op ed. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.  

And Misha as well as J2, are probably more than a little appalled that some of their biggest fans (?) are committing to some shady behavior in their honor and in their names.  Just a guess.  They’re good guys and this is probably not sanctioned behavior.  If you think it is?  Show me the receipts.  Let’s do this honestly, using facts.  Not conjecture.

14.  No, I do not excuse anyone's behavior because of their physical attractiveness.  Neither do most people.  I am not a child (Thank you, Uma Thurman), and I don't rationalize like a child.

15.  No, I am not doing this to seek approval from the actors, and neither is anyone else with the #istandwithJ2 hashtag.  As previously stated, this is an equal and opposite reaction to the bullshit that brought us all here today.  You’re grasping at straws at this point, if that’s the argument you’re going with.  Speaking on my own behalf, I have nothing to gain here, except some new Tumblr friends with a side of troll.

16.  To reiterate on previous posts - I’m hoping that all of us will collectively start sticking up for each other when we see someone harassing a fellow fan online. Even if you don’t want to comment….maybe give the person being flamed those little heart thingys (likes?).  Direct message them if liking their post doesn’t feel safe.  Show them your support in some way, so that they don’t feel alone and so that they don’t feel quite so vulnerable to attacks from online bullies.   We Have Got To Start Backing Up People who are just trying to express their opinions respectfully and are being slammed with responses that are belligerent, demeaning, threatening, obnoxious, etc.  Otherwise - these jerks will just keep steamrolling right over the more gentle viewers out there.  And a lot of them, are just kids.  And this goes both ways.  It has to, in order to be effective.

If you see something - say something.  That’s my 2 cents anyway.

The world’s going to Hell in a handbasket, 26 innocent people were gunned down yesterday in a place they held sacred and felt safe in, and it just keeps happening.

Mother Nature has decided she’s sick of our shit and has been upending thousands of lives.  There are actual sexual predators in some of our pasts and sadly, in some of our futures.  And this “joke” has no relevancy or bearing on that sad fact.

Women, people of color, LGBTQ people, economically fragile people, physically fragile people, etc...are seeing their protections, rights and livelihoods eroded away in an alarmingly short period of time, and the list goes on and on… and THIS is what we’re dedicating our mental and emotional resources to?

This show is supposed to be an escape from reality, guys.  Not actual reality.

Why are we harassing the actors and fellow fans of a television show that brought us all together in the first place?  This is entertainment, people.  I know how important this show is to all of us.  And I know how impactful the message of this show has been.  And I know that without this show, some of us might not be here today.  We are some passionate sumbitches.  I GET THAT.  

The question still remains.... what in the actual fuck are we really fighting for and about, here?  If someone can quantify and explain that to me in a way that makes sense, I’m all ears. 

Has it really come to:  “Maybe we need to devise a more sophisticated tagging situation so that people don’t keep dipping their chocolate in other peoples peanut butter.”  I don’t know.  But this is Nth level ridiculousness, and we need to figure it out before it gets even worse.

For now, I’m going to get back to enjoying this show for what it is, and putting my beautiful brain back to work on more important matters.  I’ve spent a week in this muck, and it’s been... enlightening.  I’ll say that.

And even though I don’t agree with some of you - I can see by the CSI-level attention to detail that a lot of us have applied to all things SPN... that we could actually be mobilized into an almost unstoppable force for real good and real change.  If we wanted that.  

We could probably figure out who ordered JFK’s assassination.  Figure out where Jimmy Hoffa’s buried.  Solve the mysteries of the pyramids.... help reunite missing kids with their families...Get Trump impeached... ahem.  You get it.

Or we could just keep wasting our pent-up aggression on other fans, and the actors of our favorite show.  Because that’s easy.  Choices.  

But wait!  There’s more!  Because I keep getting valid messages and concerns, this ridiculously long piece just got longer.  

Posting these blogs has opened the door to a lot of private communication from both sides of the fence in the fandom, and I'm going to include some of my recent responses to an SPN fan who felt that her group of fans were not getting a fair shake and felt my blog targeted them.  We had a long discussion and she was very cool and had a lot of valid concerns and examples of other bad fan behavior dating wayyyy back, so I wanted to add this in.

I'm just going to paraphrase my own replies and print them here, so that people who may feel misrepresented or angry can see that, there are other ways to discuss these issues and for everyone to see that there's a better way than Twitter Wars.

(Paraphrased conversation subject matter in italics)

What's amazing is that J2 fans AND Misha fans have private messaged me with the exact same concerns.  And you have one very important thing in common:  You ALL feel victimized.  And you have been.   Know why?  It's because you've been victimizing each other.

(Slaps own face.  HARD.)  Not because of her.  But because of this whole enchilada.

If both groups are concerned about the same issues and both want the harassment to stop, whyyyy are you still at each others throats?

Well, I think it's because good people are capable of behaving very badly, especially online.  And all they’re doing is making themselves look ridiculous.  And they do not merit support.

A lot of people have been using me as a mediator, or prism, so to speak, with regards to this issue.  But you don't need me, when you all essentially want the same damn thing.

It's time to stop participating.  All you have to do is take a step back and say to yourself (or others if you’re feeling up to it) I'm not going to support harassment, hate or damaging misinformation.  And you can do that by unfollowing abusive accounts, by not "liking" or reblogging abusive content...and/or by not contributing to it yourself.  And if enough of us did that, BOOM, on our way to a solved problem.

These are only a few suggestions.  There's no cure or quick fix for this.  

Only alternatives to current behaviors.

And I know there's a lot of bad blood between these groups as evidenced by the mountains of grievances I've been getting.  Can’t un-say or undo any of it.  But we can stop doing it going forward, can’t we?

As long as people want to keep concentrating on past transgressions and dwelling on past arguments, no one can move on.  

And continuing to keep score with hopes to "win" something on here isn’t working either.  I’ve got bad news:  There's no "winning" here.  No grand prize.  Just more of the same bullshit.  And if you’re happy to sit in this pile of crap and continue to marinate?  That’s your prerogative.  By “your” I mean WHOMEVER fits the bill.

It's not my responsibility to make you play nice with each other.  Or mediate your arguments.  Though, it sounds like mediation is exactly what ya'll might need.  I'm just here, publicly stating how this all looks to me: Like a never-ending playground slapfight.

I think that there will always be "haters".  That's the nature of fandom, and life in general.  But if we stop promoting that kind of behavior with our support, and if these individuals have to lurk in the back channels, as opposed to being allowed to thrive and build fiefdoms all over social media.  That sounds like a good compromise to me.

And if you have a lot to express on this matter from your own perspective, there are better alternatives to spamming people on Twitter.  For example... 

Write a blog!  If you’d like to provide an objective viewpoint, and also defend your stance but you’re afraid people will see that you support actor A, B, or C and automatically discount what you have to say?  Start a side blog.  Compile a list of wrongs that you’ve seen committed by both sides and be the mirror, and show people what they’ve become.

Create your own, blank slate and start fresh.

There, now I can drop the mic.  

[5hfanfiction]

Maybe High School Musical

AN So i just wrote like a 19K word one hot in one sitting so please give me some love

also on watt pad in four separate parts in case atone prefers smaller excepts to read @ longer_hours + check out my other stuff 

“One more shot in you, Laur?” Chris asks as he tosses the ball her way and smiles as the girl immediately goes into action dribbling around him and sinking another shot despite being out of breath from the past hour and a half of training.

“Always big brother, you know I’d do one more shot even if you broke both my legs,” Lauren jokes as she fetches her own rebound and throws the ball back to him to reach for her water, chugging some down then leaning to pull her hair back up into a neater high pony since her last one keeps slipping out on her fakes.

“That’s what I like to hear, especially at this point in the season,” Chris grins as he shoots a few waiting for the younger girl to get back in bounds to toss her the ball and assume position for what feels like the thousandth time in ten minutes. “We have a few days off still but once we’re back in Miami-”

“I know, I know,” Lauren jokingly groans, but still goes as hard in passing him and making another lay up. “Hardos all day, right?”

“Hardos all day,” the older boy agrees with a grin in place as he ruffles out her hair making her huff in annoyance at having to put it back up after only one play.

“Guys,” they hear snapped from the door and both turn wide eyed to the terrifying sight of their mother with an expectant look on her face.

They’re currently on vacation. Family vacation, for the new year and all that shit, but ever since the two could walk they’d been in love with all things basketball.

Chris was eight years older and had always been thrilled at the fact that his baby sister was just as into the sport as he was. Ever since she could crawl he had been handing her a ball and playing around, it wasn’t until she was eight years old and he was a middle school prodigy that they began to take it as seriously as they could.

He played harder than anyone that Miami High had seen in years and ended up at Duke University on a full ride for the game. He played as hard as he could all day every day and was currently in the training to play for Miami Heat next year.

Four years after his graduation Miami High met their next prodigy and super star in his younger sister. He took pride in where she’s gotten because he was the one who pushed her to be her best, and the school was beyond thrilled when her playing encouraged him to come back while on his year between college and NBA to help coach her team.

Now, Lauren 17 and Chris 25 were well on their way to being one of the best duos in basketball’s history. Lauren was on the road to her third consecutive state title and Chris was on the way to being a rookie in the NBA.  “Where exactly are you supposed to be?” Clara scolds with a raised eyebrow, knowing exactly where they’re supposed to be and that it isn’t there in a smelly gym at all.

“Umm…” both ballers trail off, not wanting to leave and not knowing how to shake their mom.

“Basketball can surely wait a couple more hours right?” Clara asks and raises a hand towards the ball rack signalling for them to clean up and listen to her.

“Christopher your father has some people who are dying to meet you and Lauren… you have the kid party thing or whatever, it doesn’t sound too fun I guess but can’t you just, I don’t know relax or whatever it is kids do these days? You two are too hard working and it’s giving me a headache,” she continues, rubbing at her temples to exaggerate making the two chuckle at her. If this was the dad he’d grab a ball and join them.

“Fine, fine just one more okay?” Chris asks after a moment of no movement to agree from either player and no look of compromise from the mom.

“There’s always one more with you two I swear,” Clara scolds but holds up her hands in defeat and smiles at the way both her kids’ faces light up with grins as they do one more fake shot or whatever it’s called. For a lady with such athletic kids, Clara doesn’t know shit about it.

Lauren lets Chris head up to shower first and get ready first and does the clean up herself, promising her mom she will end up going to the party thing even if it sounds dumb but wanting to waste as much time as possible before she actually goes.

She’s never been one for socializing, especially with strangers. At home Lucy and Dinah can easily convince her to go out or to just hangout with the team to celebrate any victory, but this is some random ski lodge in Maine and Lauren is pretty sure she’d rather just binge watch Shameless or something instead of going to what’s bound to be some awkward group of tweens trying to act like they’re drunk.

On the other hand she could probably get away with just staying in the gym for basketball now that her mom has gotten Chris upstairs. It’d be kind of boring without anyone to play with but it’s not like her parents are going to go to the ‘kids’ party to make sure she’s there, not when her mom already had a gleam of tipsiness in her eyes and not when her dad had people waiting to talk to Chris, no doubt about what a great player he is.

She’s not jealous of her older brother, not really. She knows that her parents love them both equal and she knows that she just hasn’t fully had her time to shine yet, but it’s tough to follow up after Christopher Jauregui steals the show.

Her chance is this year. She’s happy for all that Chris has accomplished but it’s finally her chance to show everyone she’s just as amazing if not more so than he is and she’s going to do it right.

That’s why if it were up to her, then yeah, she’d spend her New Year’s Eve playing basketball in a smelly gym alone because she hasn’t missed a free throw in years and you can never have too much practice in making them.

But it’s not up to her, and like she said it’s boring to play alone once you’ve played with Chris, so she decides to take her time going up stairs and rinsing off, changing into her most attractive yet appropriate outfit because god knows who’s going to be at this party (black jeans and a dark green band tee with her grey bomber jacket), and making her way down the stairs to the lounge areas because it wastes more time than the elevators.

She has to search around aimlessly for a few minutes to find the teen party to add to the time situation, she’s pretty sure she would’ve missed the ball drop if it weren’t for a staff member seeing her confusion and pointing down a corridor she thinks the pool is near. She would’ve known where it was if she was listening to her parents last night at dinner, but she had been thinking about basketball since it is in fact life and may have zoned out for a bit.

When she finally gets to the place, she’s shocked to find that it’s more high school students pretending to be drunk than middle school student (she can’t decide if that’s better or not). There’s a karaoke bar in the middle, an actual bar with soda and a mystery punch on the far right, and a couch area with most of the awkward ones on the far left. The back seems to lead out to some sort of deck area and Lauren can tell from the matted ground that a pool does lie there and she was right when she thought the pool was this way.

She can vaguely hear some people really killing the karaoke (not in the good way) and decides to get a pepsi before she can bore talk herself out of turning around and changing back into gym shorts.

“Okay ladies and gents we’re about to take it off on a new genre since country obviously wasn’t working out there - no offense to you guys it just wasn’t a fit,” a voice says over the speaker as the music cuts down and Lauren drowns it out to take a deep sip of the soda, kind of regretting it because of her in season diet but not second thinking it for too long because some guys interrupts her from sipping with a harsh tap on the shoulder.

“Hi, I don’t know if you heard me up there but I couldn’t focus on singing when I saw you walk into the room,” the arrogant looking brunette says with a shrug of his shoulders, grabbing a drink and chugging some before continuing, “I’m Brad.”

Lauren cringes slightly at the fact that he’s talking to her but decides she can play nice for like maybe two minutes at most. “Lauren,” she greets but makes no attempts to shake the hand he had awkwardly outreached then taken back.

“It’s nice to meet you Lauren,” the boy smiles and Lauren remembers why she’s so gay because god he has no lips at all and girls’ lips are so so nice to look at and kiss and wait there’s a spotlight on her or something because her eyes are starting to hurt a little bit and the natural squint comes into play.

Before Lauren can snap at whoever’s shining the damn light on her she feels an arm tug her wrist lightly and she’s being guided away from Brad and dropping her soda onto the counter as she gets pulled to the stage.

“Okay looks like we’ve found our lucky winners for right now,” the same voice from earlier cheers into the microphone and the few people paying attention to the karaoke cheer along with him.

“Oh no, I don’t- I don’t sing really,” Lauren protests once she realizes what’s going on. “Really guys I can’t-” she tries to argue but the two guys gesturing for her on stage are pushy and so so encouraging and Lauren can’t really back out since she’s awkward and doesn’t know how to but actually nobody would easily be able to get out of this one without running.

That’s what she’s about to do actually, run and not look back because she doesn’t know these people and hell she’s leaving tomorrow morning anyways so they can’t really judge her at all. She’s almost made up in her head too but when she looks up she stops herself. Really everything in her body stops and it seems like everything around her stops too when  she catches sight of the girl that’s being pushed on stage right next to her, looking even more shy that Lauren feels and at the same time the most beautiful thing Lauren has seen in her short life. 

She’s brunette and shorter than Lauren by maybe an inch or two, dressed in a cuddly looking over sized sweater and white jeans. Her hair is long and brunette and flows down in waves to her butt which woah Lauren almost does a double take at but then remembers she’s on stage. But the girl’s eyes when Lauren finally makes her way up to them are what makes Lauren know that she’s going to end up singing no matter what. They’re deep and beautiful and the color of chocolate which Lauren never loved but she thinks she could right now.

So she doesn’t run, she doesn’t break eye contact either seemingly in a trance until the small girl looks away and nervously brushes a strand of hair behind her ear. Lauren finds herself looking up to the screen then and thank god she did because she almost missed her cue. She takes a deep breath and decides she doesn’t care what she sounds like to a bunch of strange strangers and a beautiful girl as she begins to sing along.

-

Camila loved to read. No, not just Larry fanfiction in her room before she went to bed, but actually read. She loved Harry Potter books the most but she was a slut for a good John Green book and anything related to Percy Jackson count her in.

She loved falling for the characters and exploring their worlds and knowing secrets that not everyone had the key too. She loved learning to read between the lines and feeling like she has a connection with someone or something when in reality it’s not even real. She loved having the ability to escape the daily struggles that every single person goes through and getting to venture somewhere that not everyone gets to.

Her all time favorite is To Kill a Mockingbird. That’s what she’s reading now too. On New Year’s Eve, locked in her hotel room.

She’s not exactly the most social butterfly, and that wasn’t going to make it any easier when she was spending her holidays in a new country with people she doesn’t know. So that’s why she ignored her mother telling her to go to the 'teen’s party’ downstairs. That sounds dumb and if it’s anything like Camila is expecting it’ll either be really extreme and intimidating and full of people Camila is bound to make a fool of herself in front of, or a bunch of twelve year olds pretending to be drunk.

“Camilita I swear to god if I come in there and you’re still reading that book,” Sinu’s voice breaks her thoughts and Camila’s eyes go wide as she hurries to fold the page corner and shove her book under her pillow, lying down and pretending to be asleep. “Seriously? Asleep? With the lights on and no covers on and come on mija I wasn’t born yesterday,” Sinu speaks again as she cracks the door open, rolling her eyes at her daughter’s antics.

“Mami I don’t want to go to the stupid teen’s party, can’t I just finish my book then sleep for a century or two?” Camila whines as she sits up and accepts that her mother saw right thru her lie.

“Because honey you need to go have a good end to the year so you can have a good start to the new one,” her mom smiles, approaching the bed and plopping herself down next to Camila, rubbing an arm softly down her whiney daughter’s arm. “Look I promise you can sleep for the whole day tomorrow and then the next day you can sleep on the flight down to Miami, but right now I want you to have some sort of entertainment okay? I know the past few days have been tiring and tough without Al and Sofi, but once we meet them in a few days it’ll all be okay again, so enjoy yourself okay? We’re done worrying for a while.”

Camila let out a sigh and felt a smile take over her face at the thought of seeing her dad and little sister again so soon. They’d lived in Cuba for most of Camila’s life but a few years ago Sofi got sick and they didn’t have the money to find her treatment in Cuba. Alejandro had found a friend that could get them across the border for medical attention, but it was harder to find a way for the whole family to make the move.

That’s how Camila is where she is at the moment. The friend her father had knew a good immigration lawyer who found a way after two years of waiting and hoping to get Sinu and Camila safely and legally into the United States to start their new life with their family.

They had to head up to New York first to get all the official stuff since that’s where the lawyer worked, and that’s where they got the idea to spend the New Years in a ski lodge, that and the fact that snow cancelled their flight for a few days.

So Camila knew her mom just wanted to have a night to forget about their worries and Sinu needed Camila to have fun in order to do so herself, and who was Camila to hold back her mother’s fun night? “Okay fine I’ll go to the party thing but once the ball drops I’m coming back up to read.”

“That’s my girl!” Sinu cheers and wraps an arm around her daughter’s shoulder to pull her into an excited side hug. Now get dressed in something less sleepy time and more party time, I’m sure it’ll be wild down there since it’s already… 11, woah you almost missed everything, good thing mom came to the rescue,“ Sinu rambled excitedly as she got up and started rummaging through Camila’s bags for something presentable to wear other than sweatpants and t shirts.

"Mom, mom, I’ll find something and head down in a few minutes, you go enjoy yourself now that you’ve pulled me out of hibernation, okay?” Camila laughed and Sinu sent her another smile before agreeing and grabbing her purse from where she’d dropped it onto the bed.

“Once you decide to head up don’t forget to find me and wish me a happy New Year,” Sinu smiles and heads for the door before gasping and continuing, “oh and don’t forget the grapes,” she adds with a grin and Camila nods her out and then she’s left to decide how hard she’s going to try with the hole socializing thing.

She isn’t good at socializing, so after pulling on some leggings instead of her sweats and a sweater that’s just as comfortable but more presentable than her current sweatshirt decides to bring her book with her.

She takes a stroll through the nicely decorated hotel, finding the furthest set of elevators and then taking the longest way to where she’s seen the signs saying the teens party is for the night.

When she makes her way in the crappy karaoke is the first thing to make her think maybe she should turn around. If t wasn’t so cold out, she would go out and read on the deck since nobody is really out there, but it is cold and that’s probably the only reason nobody is out there in the first place. She makes a beeline after only a moment of analyzing the room for the set of couches occupied by a few more awkward looking people and settles in a worn out couch before sighing and pulling her book back out. She doesn’t care if she seems nerdy because she doesn’t know anybody here and frankly, she is nerdy. Nerdy as heck. 

She allows herself to get lost in her book again, and the familiar happiness that comes along with reading her favorite fills her mind. This book in particular is her favorite not only because it’s amazing but because it helped her through a rough period of her life. She’d first read the book when she was fourteen years old and missing her little sister who’d left the week before. She lost herself entirely in the book and spent a whole day locked in her room reading it front to back.

Whenever she’s read it since then she’s been able to do the same, block out the surroundings no matter how bad they are, and she almost is able to block out the awful spotlight on her, but after at least twenty seconds of squinting and ignoring it something in the back of her head tells her to look up and she’s met with a few people gesturing for her and then a guy is pulling her towards the stage and pulling her book to put back in her seat (thankfully he has the decency to bookmark it).

“Okay looks like we’ve found our lucky winners for right now,” a voice rings out over the microphone and Camila feels her stomach drop as she realizes she’s being pushed up onto the karaoke stage.

She wants to run away because being someone who doesn’t enjoy or know how to interact with people, she knows she has no way to get out of this but also stage fright to an extreme level. She’s sang in the shower before, one time for her mother but then broke down into tears because she was so nervous.

She’s kind of on the verge of a panic attack too. She hasn’t had one in a while since her anxiety has gotten less powerful ever since she found out she would be reunited with her family, but right now she feels like everything is about to be too overwhelming and then she’ll embarrass herself in front of a group of strangers who don’t know how to react and then, then she’ll probably die or something, at least that’s what her over thinking mind is trying to convince her, and hell it almost wins over but she glances up and comes to meet the most amazing eyes she’s seen in her life.

That’s what calms her. She goes from feeling like she’s about to break down and cry to feeling like maybe she just experienced love at first sight. The mesmerizing green eyes are on the face of the most gorgeous girl she’s seen in her life. She’s dark haired and pale and her makeup is light, barely there but her face looks more flawless than any model’s could after hours of professionals working on them. The outfit completes the look of perfection and Camila is surprised she isn’t drooling but then again she might be because this girl is everything she never knew she was looking for in a girl.

It’s when she starts singing that Camila doesn’t just think it’s love at first sight, she knows it.

Camila surprises herself by singing back and the way the green eyes are boring into her back makes her flush and her confidence skyrocket as she lets herself sing louder than she has before.

The green eyed beauty makes the experience one that Camila doesn’t think she’ll ever forget, obviously much more comfortable in social situations but noticeably focusing on Camila’s comfort and letting loose, making a fool of herself playfully to make Camila laugh and it works because Camila finds herself becoming just as careless and playful as she belts to the notes.

She thought this would be a slow torture, but by the time they’re finishing the last lyrics of the song, Camila finds herself wanting to keep singing with this girl who hasn’t stopped smiling at her since she saw her.

Surprisingly, they’ve gathered quite the audience in their performance and Camila flushes when green eyes grabs her hand and jokingly bows to the applause, tugging Camila with her who chuckles and plays along.

“I’m Lauren,” the girl smiles as she tightens her grip on Camila’s hand and pulls her closer so she can hear her over the music that’s taken over for them and the loud groups of people.

“Camila.”

-

“So let me get this straight,” Camila laughs as she counts out grapes for the each of them. They’d found a fruit platter and coincidentally both were Cuban and bonded over wanting to follow tradition, they;d decided to take a huge pile of grapes and sneak out to the deck despite how cold it was because they didn’t want to keep yelling over the music. “You don’t normally sing, that was just improvised?”

“That would be correct,” Lauren smiles and Camila’s jaw drops making the older girl chuckle lightly because she certainly couldn’t have been good enough to impress the other girl who’d been the best singer Lauren thinks she’d ever heard. “I’m more of the jock type of person, I’ve sang in the shower and in cars when a good song comes on but I’m definitely not a singer.”

“Well take it from me and probably everyone who just heard that, you’d be on top of the charts if you ever tried to pursue a singing career,” Camila compliments and divides the 24 grapes into two separate piles.

“Hey you’re not giving yourself enough credit here, I mean I may be a little more of a natural stage presence,” Lauren joked, pretending to dust off her shoulder, “but you’re definitely the reason we got so much applause.”

“Seriously? No way, you’re like, fucking Beyonce level good,” Camila grins and Lauren grimaces slightly.

“I don’t think anybody is Beyonce level good but I mean, thank you?” Lauren questions and both girls laugh at that, perking up when they hear the countdown begin from ten in the main room. “Ready for some grapes?” Lauren asks and Camila nods happily.

The fireworks go off and both girls quickly down the grapes, Lauren’s competitive side coming out when she finishes them first and grins smugly, “I win,” she brags and Camila’s jaw drops in faux offense as she swallows her last grape.

“Okay rude I didn’t know this was competition Lauren, jeez, if I did I would’ve chewed faster,” Camila argues and Lauren’s smile is childish and adorable and Camila can’t believe someone so pretty is talking to her. “Plus you won by like a millisecond so that barely counts.”

“Barely counts, but still counts,” Lauren cheekily adds and Camila playfully smacks her arm for that one, “owe, rude much?” Lauren teases and Camila smiles back, allowing her eyes to finally drift away from the gorgeous girl in front of her to fireworks. She’d honestly rather keep looking at Lauren because woah she’s gorgeous, but she’s never seen fireworks over snow and it’s really beautiful, unfortunately it also reminds Camila of how cold she is and she shivers at that.

“Cold?” Lauren questions, noticing the shiver and immediately shrugging off her bomber jacket to wrap over the smaller girl’s shoulder who flushes in response to the gesture.

“You’re going to be cold now though,” Camila scolds and goes to remove it but Lauren’s arm holding it in place around her shoulder stops her. “Well, thank you then if you’re not going to let me give it back,” Camila settles and Lauren keeps her arm around her cause why not.

“It looks better on you anyways,” Lauren compliments and Camila chuckles before replying, “no way in hell could anybody look better than you sooo,” moving a little closer to Lauren to get the warmth radiating off of her.

“Can I umm…” Lauren trails off and Camila looks up at her curiously seeing her gaze directed at her lips and smiles before leaning up to press a tender kiss to the green eyed girl’s cheek.

Her lips linger there and she goes to pull away but Lauren takes advantage of the closeness and officially closes the gap, kissing Camila’s lips that have been tempting her all night. When they first meets she hesitates, then wants to smack herself when Camila doesn’t immediately respond, but after a second Camila slowly begins to kiss her back and she finds herself smiling into the kiss and wrapping her other hand slowly around Camila’s waist to pull her deeper into the kiss.

It’s soft, and slow and so so sweet and everything Camila’s wanted a kiss to be. Lauren’s arms are providing a warmth from the cold but her touch is providing a warmth she’s never felt before as she pulls her in close and  Camila gasps when she feels a warm tongue trace her lower lip before opening her mouth more to grant access. She has to hold in a moan when Lauren’s tongue tangles with her own, not wanting to seem too eager, but Lauren’s moan is out before hers so she lets it go and tangles her hands into raven hair, tugging lightly and angling Lauren’s head to guide the kiss.

She doesn’t know how long they kiss for. Could be seconds, minutes, probably not hours but that isn’t on Camila’s mind. Neither is how cold it is surprisingly. She’s just thinking about Lauren and how she feels and how amazing this is-

“Hey Lauren I heard you were out here, we need to go take family pic- oh shit dude sorry didn’t mean to cock block,” a deep voice breaks in with a laugh and both girls jump away to see Chris Jauregui standing with a grin on his face and an obnoxious wiggle of his eyebrows to Lauren. “Who knew baby sister had game,” he continues, and Lauren scoffs at his annoying timing and pulls Camila back into her to let her know it’s fine, feeling bad that the other girl seems mortified at being caught making out.

“Jesus Christ Chris nice timing,” Lauren complains and rubs softly at Camila’s waist before remembering what he said, “wait I need to go now? I thought those were at like… oh it is one, okay I guess we lost track of time…” Lauren trails off, saddened by the fact that her time with Camila has to come to an end. “Chris can I meet you there in five?”

The boy nods, assuming his sister has a goodbye in mind and gives the still furiously blushing Camila a wave before making his way back inside.

“So…” Camila trails awkwardly, not wanting to break the feeling of Lauren’s touch but knowing the girl has to leave.

“Sorry that was my older brother,” Lauren replies, “I guess you know I have to go now though?” she continues and Camila nods sadly. “Can I get your number? I can call you or something tomorrow?”

Camila brightens immediately at the fact that Lauren wants to stay in touch and nods eagerly making Lauren chuckle before pulling out her phone and going to contacts. The exchange of numbers is quick and easy but leaves both girls with a smile on their lips.

“So I’ll text you?” Lauren asks sheepishly as they make their way towards the door, knowing once they re enter the chaos their little world will be broken up for the time being.

“I hope you do,” Camila replies and Lauren can’t help but pull her in for one more lingering kiss, playfully biting down on her lower lip as she pulls away earning a groan from the younger girl.

“Fuck I want to kiss you all night,” Camila sighs and Lauren can’t do anything but agree as they reach the glass doors. “Wait, here’s your coat,” Camila continues, realizing she forgot about that and going to remove it but Lauren shushes her with another peck and an arm guiding it back around her shoulders.

“Like I said, it looks better on you,” Lauren smiles and Camila feels like maybe she’ll never not be smiling for the rest of her life, even as she watches her dream girl finally pull open the door and disappear.

-

“So Lauser how was your trip? Meet any cute boys, cute girls, cute people? Or did you spend the whole time balling around?” Dinah asks as she swings an arm around her best friend as they make their way through the lobby of school on the first day back.

“Oh come on Dinah we know Lauren,” Lucy cuts in with a smile and locking arms with Lauren on the other side who playfully acts annoyed at the two girls being all over her. “She obviously tried to hide away playing basketball the whole time then ditched it for the slopes once her mom caught on. God knows Clara would never try to go out in the snow to fetch anybody.”

“Yeah Lucy’s about right,” Lauren shrugs, not wanting to bring up that whole singing with a cute girl then making out with said cute girl. The whole thing felt kind of personal (that and Dinah would never let her live down cheesy New Year’s karaoke). “Me and Chris played one on one basically the whole time, then I had to go to some lame teen party but it wasn’t long before we were back on the court then back on the road home.”

“Damn Lo so no action the whole time? Why you gotta deny me the good gossip I get with Vives?” Dinah pouts jokingly and Lauren shoots her a warning glare that makes her put her hands up in defense.

“I for one am happy that you spent time playing with Chris, maybe now I can have your brother to myself at practices,” Lucy smirks and Lauren shoves her shoulder at the implication.

“Gross,” Lauren groans as she lets herself be led to their first period creative writing class. It was fun in Lauren’s opinion, but the only reason she got away with taking the class was because it’s an easy A and her friends all accepted the idea.

She zones out the rest of her friends banter about how hot her older brother is and thinks about the real highlight of her vacation which for the first time in her life wasn’t basketball. Maybe it was because it was her first time actually liking someone since she’s always been so distracted with basketball, but Camila was on her mind for the whole two days that had passed since she’d seen her.

They’d texted back and forth a few times, but for the majority of the time they’d been travelling and hadn’t had time to have an actual conversation since Camila flew somewhere and texting on a plane kind of isn’t a thing.

Still Lauren couldn’t stop thinking about the girl, and it didn’t help that she had a constant loop of their kiss playing in the background of her mind. She knew it was ridiculous since they’d probably stop texting after a few days and never see each other again, but she couldn’t help but feel like that was something amazing, even if it would be fleeting.

“Lo? Did you do that assignment shit? I heard it’s worth like half the grade since it’s one of the only ones we’ve had so I’m fuckidy fucked,” Dinah rambles as they take their seats in the few rows and she obviously remembers something she didn’t do.

“I did it, but it only took like ten minutes so you can probably do it in the beginning of class if she talks as much as she usually does,” Lauren answers, looking up momentarily to address Dinah but instead catching sight of a brunette entering the room who she didn’t think she’d see anytime soon if ever.

Dinah turns to talk to Lucy about probably the same thing but Lauren tunes them out as she sits upright in her seat and turns to watch the shy brunette who’s hair and ass she easily recognizes make her way to the back of the room with her head down and take an empty seat.

Lauren wants to get up and go say hey, or do something to catch Camila’s attention to be sure that it’s hr, but before she can Ms. Darbus interrupts with her loudness.

“Morning class, I’ll expect today to flow easily since it’s the first day back,” she starts but Lauren pays no attention and pulls her phone out of her pocket, making sure to be careful not to be caught since Darbus is a bitch, but needing to see if it’s Camila.

She manages to text her quickly since they’d been texting not twenty minutes ago about Camila being nervous for her first day at a new school and gets her phone back in her pocket and out of sight before Darbus can notice, but the sound of a ringer going off in the back of the room makes Lauren’s face brighten and her stomach drop because she’s excited that it is in fact Camila, but she’s also cringing at the fact that she probably just got her in trouble in her first class.

“Cell phones, cell phones,” Darbus sighs before looking up and scanning the room to see whose it was, pulling out her annoying cell phone bin and starting thru the rows, pulling pones out of any unsuspecting student’s hand who’s checking their phone to make sure it wasn’t them.

She makes it to Camila after getting by Ariana and Frankie and stealing their phones, “well I see the new girl hasn’t ever had to deal with a no phone rule,” she scolds and holds out the bucket that Camila nervously goes along with, dropping her phone into the bin and looking back down to avoid the eyes. Lauren feels a bit like a bitch. “I guess we can get to know each other more in detention tomorrow after classes, that goes for the rest of you with phones out as well.”

Lauren doesn’t know what makes her decide to pull her phone out since obviously she can just approach Camila herself, but she does decide too because it’s an easy excuse to talk so she makes it as obvious as she can and Dinah isn’t fast enough to smack her hand out of plain sight.

“Ah Miss Jauregui, I see you’ll be joining us later tomorrow too? Perfect maybe I can train you in some not useless skills in the break from the field,” Darbus grins and grabs Lauren’s phone before she can hand it to her and tosses it into the bin making Lauren cringe because damn her screen is already a mess.

“It’s actually a court Ms. Darbus,” Dinah cuts in only to be shushed, “but mam we actually need Lauser to be at practice tomorrow because tourney is in like a few weeks and we really can’t-”

“Oh goodie we get to have two of our allstars with us tomorrow,” Darbus fakes enthusiasm and moves to drop the bin on her desk before turning back to the students. “Hansen you’ve got twenty minutes, anyone else care to join us?”

“That’s assuming she can count that high,” Normani jokes in the back to one of her nerd friends and the clearing of Darbus’s throat catches her attention before her face drops.

“Normani I never would’ve thought I’d see you after, but if you’re so eager to join the fun,” she quips and at that point everybody decides to accept it, other than Ariana who’s quietly bitching to her brother but Darbus ignores her since she’s a fan favorite of the teacher.

The rest of the class drags on since Lucy insists on asking Ms. Darbus about her vacation which is obviously just a lecture on how many musicals she managed to watch and why they should have all done the same, but Lauren supposes it’s better than actual class.

The bell ringing is what snaps her out of her zoning out this time, once again just waiting to see Camila but it was kind of torture knowing that the girl was so close to her.

She pretends to be fiddling with a notebook so her friends will leave without her and thanks god that everybody else leaves right away and before she knows it the only other person in the room is her Camila and she’s so excited she can barely stop herself from leaning at the other girl.

“Oh my god it really is you,” Camila grins as she beats Lauren to it and flings herself into the older girl’s arms in a tight hug, burying her face in her hair and trying not to smile so hard that her face falls off.

“And it’s really you,” Lauren smiles back and wraps her arms around Camila’s waist and sure it’s only been two days ish but she really missed Camila. “Holy shit it’s you what are you doing here?” Lauren asks once she pulls away and meets Camila’s smiling eyes before pulling her back in for another hug because it’s her.

“My mom and I just moved here to finally be back with my dad and little sister,” Camila explains and finally pulls away and Lauren takes the initiative to make their way to the hallway, guiding Camila and not really caring where the next class is just going where Camila leads because apparently the girl knows how to get there already. “This is insane, who would’ve thought coincidences like this existed?”

“Must be fate, babe,” Lauren smirks and Camila laughs softly before stopping in front of what Lauren assumes is her locker.

“So now I don’t have to worry about making an idiot of myself in the halls since you’re obviously willing to show me where this class is?” Camila jokes as she pulls out her schedule after a few attempts at her locker combination.

“Hmm, you’re in like half my classes this is so cool,” Lauren notes as she eyes the impressive schedule for a junior. Lauren’s a senior and she thought she was smart, but Camila is a year ahead and in all AP courses besides a few that are plain old advanced. “Like AP Bio next, we got that together with Ms. Billings, she’s a total hardass but once you prove yourself to her you’ll be all good.”

“Okay good, what’s up with Ms. Darby or whatever her name is anyways? She seemed a bit too hardo to be a writing teacher. Usually they’re all chill and laid back,” Camila questions, reflecting on all the past creative writing teachers she had had.

“Oh she’s the head of the drama club and all that shit so she’s just kind of moody like that whenever they’re starting up a new musical or getting ready for opening night, I’m pretty sure auditions are tomorrow which would explain the hardass you saw this morning,” Lauren explains with a shake of her head as she tugs open a staircase door for Camila who bushes at the gesture and goes up the empty stairway, most kids probably already in class.

“Oh, singing and such, can I expect to see your name headlining then?” Camila jokes and Lauren burst into laughter at even the idea of that.

“Oh god no, I could never let anyone know I sing in the slightest, let alone perform in front of the whole school and more,” Lauren denies easily as she leads Camila up the private stairway she’d found her freshman year that acts as a shortcut since it never has student traffic. “Plus i wouldn’t have time, I may have mentioned this before but I’m a bit of a basketball die hard,” she shrugs, not wanting to go into detail or seem like she’s bragging when it comes to how much of a die hard she actually is.

“For real? I would’ve seen you as the volleyball type but you’re kind of like, short… no offense of course I’m shorter but aren’t basketball players like, really tall?” Camila questions and is quick to let Lauren guide her to a seat in the back of the classroom once they get there. She doesn’t seen anyone in the class from their class earlier other than the dark skinned girl, Naomi or something, who she’d meet again in detention.

“I’m point guard,” Lauren answers, knowing exactly what Camia means because it is assumed that tall people are better, but Lauren’s worked hard to get over that disadvantage. “And yeah most of us are tall so no offense taken, I get where that thought came from,” she answers and is about to ask Camila whether or not she’ll be auditioning when the teacher starts another lecture, not delaying her lessons because of vacation at all.

They don’t get to see each other again until computer science at the end of the day because today’s schedule falls weirdly because of class assemblies, but once Camila catches glimpse of Lauren she’s seconds away from waving over the girl who’s scanning the room (probably for Camila) when a cleared throat catches her off guard.

“Hi,” the girl Camila remembers from creative writing and biology says with a bright smile as she takes the seat next to Camila and Camila’s almost afraid that she accidentally stole a seat before the girl continues to talk, “I’m Normani, you may have seen me earlier in your classes but I was going to wait until tomorrow to approach you, I guess I got impatient though because I haven’t stopped thinking about your resume since I found out you were coming to East High.”

At Camila’s confused facial expression the girl, Normani apparently, raises an eyebrow before reading the confusion for complete and utter and continuing to explain, “I’m the leader of our school’s academic decathlon. We’ve been having a good year, but your guidance counselor who I doubt you’ve even met yet was eager for you to sign up and I couldn’t turn you down after seeing your credentials.”

Camila is kind of flattered by this if she’s being honest. This is the first time she’s been considered cool (at least to this girl) because of how smart she is and it feels nice to have someone coming to ask her to join a club instead of being seethingly jealous that she’s smarter than them.

Her high school in Cuba had been a bit of a nightmare. The section she lived in was hard enough to find a decent school, but once she did she soared to the top of her class. Unfortunately that left her to be the weird smart girl. Too smart for the sporty ones to accept but so smart that the other smart kids despised her.

So it’s nice to have someone approaching her in what seems to be a friendly way because of her brains.

“I’m not trying to come on too strong, but we meet every day after school in the bio lab we had class in earlier, if you get lost here’s my card but I’d love to see you later?” Normani asks and Camila accepts the card but stays silent for a moment before realizing Normani wants an agreement.

“I’ll think about it,” she nods with a soft smile, “I’ll have to settle in first so I won’t be there today at least, but maybe tomorrow I could check it out?” she offers and Normani’s smile is so pretty Camila almost just agrees because but then she knocks herself out of the spell she gets under near every pretty girl and shakes her head, “okay I’ll let you know in first period tomorrow I guess? Or just text you later whichever I decide by.”

“Okay, perfect, just tell me whenever and we’ll have an open seat waiting for you,” Normani decides and Camila is pleasantly surprised that the girl remains next to Camila and takes out notes, not having expected the girl to stay with her, assuming she’d have better friends already.

She’s especially happy that Normani decided to stay with her when she notices Lauren seated and chatting happily with a boy in a varsity jacket with messy brown hair. She wouldn’t want to seem like Lauren needed to sit with her, so she’s fine just shooting her an occasional smile for this period.

“Hey superstar, you been warming up your vocal chords for auditions later?” Camila jokes as she approaches the door after class, trying not to flush at the fact that Lauren had waited by the door for her with a grin in place.

“Oh yeah definitely,” Lauren agrees easily, “I even cut basketball in free period to go practice my high notes,” she laughs and Camila shakes her head and walks ahead of the raven haired girl. “What about you though, you interested in the musical? It could be a good way to meet some new people, get to know the school?” she offers and Camila bites her lip as she eyes Lauren from the side, “plus you could explore your career in music since obviously you’re like the best singer in the world,” she continues and Camila laughs at that one.

“Lauren I could barely sing in front of you and a bunch of awkward teens that I didn’t know,” Camila laughs, thinking about how impossible performing is for her, “no way could I ever perform in front of an actual audience ever without passing out,” she finishes and stops at her locker, smiling like a fool in love when Lauren leans against her locker and pouts at her words.

“Oh come on Camz, more people deserve to hear your voice,” Lauren argues, “plus Ariana and Frankie star in everything, I’m pretty sure even Ms. Darbus is getting sick of them at this point.”

“They must star in everything for a reason then,” Camila responds, digging through her stuff and trying to remember what she’d need for homework, “I think I’m joining decathlon anyways so I’ll have some new people to meet, I’ll be just fine Jauregui so don’t worry about little old me,” she jokes and Lauren furrows her eyebrows at the teasing before shutting her locker for her and following behind Camila who keeps walking, not exactly knowing where she’s going but knowing it’s the end of the day so she’s not risking being late for anything.

“You’re smart and shit? Really?” Lauren questions and Camila lets out a bark of laughter.

“Oh sorry do I not look the part?” she jokingly pretends to be offended and Lauren scoffs before throwing an arm around the shorter girl’s shoulder and spinning her around.

“I’ll give you a deal,” Lauren smirks and guides Camila to a room she’d only been to a few times for her photography class freshman year. “I’ll audition with you, it’ll be funny and piss of the Grandes.”

“Hmm, an eye for an eye? What would be the purpose exactly?” Camila asks with a smile at the thought of singing with Lauren again.

“Well I can claim I’m sick and then you can take Ariana’s spo, so then you’d have to perform and I’d get to share your talent with everyone else? Easy peasy lemon squeezy,” Lauren grins and Camila lets herself be guided, mainly because she likes the feeling of Lauren’s arm wrapped around her.

They bicker and chat for the short walk and Camila is shocked that Lauren actually guides her to the auditorium, thinking the girl was all talk. They make it there, and once they’re through the first set of doors Lauren’s confidence seems to waver. Camila would jokingly call her out, but she’s not exactly bursting with self esteem at the moment either.

Frankie and Ariana are on the stage at the moment. To say they’re talented is an understatement. Maybe the biggest understatement Camila’s ever made and she can’t help but nod along when Lauren gulps next to her because same. They’re dressed in matching outfits and - wait is Ariana tap dancing? There’s tap dancing in this? Camila’s the most clumsy person in the world! Even if she were serious about this she’d be fucked! - they’re both in perfect sync with the singing and the dancing and the outfits and the …jazz squares? They are a crowd favorite Camila supposes but why are they so choreographed for a high school musical audition?

The finale is amazing and it’s what makes Camila realize no way in hell was Luren serious about Darbus getting annoyed with them, or maybe Lauren’s just never seen them because damn they’re good.

The theater is nearly empty. A few students sit in the rows, obviously other people auditioning (and losing hope after that), and Darbus sits in the front row with a short girl in a funny outfit next to her. They all give the couple standing ovations and Camila even feels she’s being disrespectful when she doesn’t clap because the performance really was amazing.

But her and Lauren are still in the back, hiding kind of no wait hiding definitely because Lauren is nervous for whatever reason that Camila is yet to identify and Camila is nervous for reasons she’s repeated enough already.

Lauren kid of drifts away from her and Camila can tell the other girl is seconds away from just ditching the auditorium all together when Darbus starts ranting about how important the arts are, but Camila is kind of intrigued.

“Jesus, you weren’t kidding when you said this lady was a hardo,” Camila jokes quietly and reaches blindly for Lauren’s hand which she easily finds and squeezes lightly to try to reassure the other girl. “These people take this shit serious.”

“Yeah they do,” Lauren agrees and holds Camila’s hand in hers but makes no move to further conversation or further their way into the auditorium.

Camila knows she’s about to do something that could potentially ruin her whole budding whatever it is with Lauren when Ms. Darbus calls for last auditions.

They’re hidden in the wings so when the lady spins to see if anyone is left she doesn’t see them, but after a moment of silence and a shuffle of students leaving, Camila feels it like word vomit and squeezes Lauren’s hand one more time before stepping out and opening her mouth.

“I’d like to audition Ms. Darbus,” she speaks and cringes when she hears the words come out of her mouth. Walking out she’s greeted luckily by only Ms. Darbus who looks torn and a short girl who looks confused.

“Ms. Cabello, how nice of you to join us,” the teacher speaks up after a moment in a voice Camila can’t yet read but doesn’t like. “I appreciate your interest in the theater but time is in fact a consideration when it comes to the arts and you’re late, too late to audition I’m sorry.”

“But Ms. Darbus-” Camila begins but is cut off by the teacher.

“Unfortunately the solo auditions are long over and there’s simply nobody here for you to sing with,” she sighs and pretends to be beat up by breaking the news but obviously doesn’t care as she packs up the few notes she’d taken during the auditions, knowing ahead of time that Ariana and Frankie were going to get the lead roles so not having too much on anyone else written.

“I’ll sing with her,” a raspy voice fills the air and while Ms. Darbus and the short girl look up confused since nobody has entered the room yet, Camila feels a smile fill her face as she recognizes Lauren’s voice, smile widening a second later when Lauren’s figure comes into sight through the auditorium doors, clearly shocking the two other people in the room if their faces are anything to go by.

“Ms. Jauregui,” Darbus greets with a curt nod, “I don’t know why you’re in my auditorium and although I appreciate your eagerness to help a new student, I don’t give special privileges just because you’re a captain of some squad or whatever it’s called. You two were late, and I’m sorry but that’s show biz.”

Lauren opens her mouth to argue because the look on Camila’s face makes her forget that she didn’t want to do this in the first place, but Ms. Darbus is cutting her off by storming up the stairs and to backstage where Lauren assumes her office or some shit is.

“Camz,” Lauren speaks but Camila shakes her head and offers a sad smile to try to show she’s fine.

“I was too nervous anyways, I never would’ve been able to outdo them anyways so I guess that spares embarrassment huh?” she jokes but Lauren doesn’t laugh with her, just continues to look at her with concern until a voice breaks their bubble of staring.

“You know,” it speaks and both sets of eyes snap over to the short girl who remains where Darbus had been sitting looking over sheet music. “I bet you could sing it better, the way it actually is meant to be sang anyways. Ariana and Frankie are great and all but it’s not really so theatrical, more acoustic and gentle.”

Camila quirks an eyebrow at the input and Lauren is the one to speak up, offering what both girls were thinking, “could we sing it for you? That way I mean? Since no offense to the other auditions but they were a little shaky to say the least,” she jokes and the short girl smiles at the offer and throws away her confusion on why Lauren Jauregui the school’s all star is singing with the shy new girl because she wants to see what these two can do.

“Yeah, of course oh my gosh let me go up to the piano, we can perform it there it’ll be spectacular oh I’m so glad you offered I didn’t want to have to beg you but it’s been a rough day for me,” shorty jokes and before either of the Cuban girls can ask she continues, “I’m Ally by the way.”

“Camila,” Camila greets with a smile as she follows Ally up the stairs to the piano and Lauren smiles before saying her own name although she knows Ally probably already knows it. She feels kind of rude being that girl who doesn’t know Ally’s name, especially since she definitely recognizes her from some classes, but she can’t help that she pays little attention most of the time.

“It’s nice to officially meet you two,” Ally smiles and sits herself down before setting out the sheet music she’d been fiddling with earlier.

She begins to play and Camila leans on the side of the piano while Lauren hovers next to her both nervous to sing again, but excited to sing again with each other. It’s slow, and soft and it does sound like a slow gentle version of the song that Ariana and Frankie had sang so they know what Ally meant earlier.

Lauren starts the song, nervously singing but deciding that if she’s going to go for it she might as well go all in. Besides, Camila has heard her sing before and based on Ally’s face Lauren doesn’t sound terrible.

She’s still nervous and faking the confidence up until Camila takes over on her solo. Ally goes to sing it first, perhaps seeing the terrified expression on Camila’s face, but the soft gentle voice Lauren hasn’t heard in two days that have felt like ten years cuts in and Lauren feels her breath get swept away just as it had the first time she heard it.

It was just as breathtaking and even though Lauren knew what it sounded like, her face probably portrayed one similar to Ally’s in shock factor.

It became stronger after a moment and Lauren felt like she was invincible for a moment with Camila singing back and sang louder than before when her part cut in. Singing with Camila gave her a similar feeling to shooting with her eyes closed. The feeling when you hear the swish of the net signifying that the shot was made and the crowd goes wild. Lauren loved the feeling of success in basketball, the losses killing her, but Camila’s voice with ehrs made her feel like she’d just sunken five for five three pointers in a state final. It made her feel like she just hit an impossible buzzer beater. It made her feel better than any shot had made her feel before.

She gets lost in the music for a few, taking Camila’s hand into her own and of course throwing in a few more dorky dance moves like she had on New Year’s Eve because if it means Camila giggling she’s game for anything. She sings loud and freely and before she knows it the piano is done and she’s lost in Camila’s eyes, about to lean in for a kiss that she’s been waiting for since she walked away from Camila at the lodge, but Ally’s clapping breaks the trance and Camila shoots her a soft smile before thanking Ally.

“I’ll post the call back date next Friday morning,” a familiar voice floats into their bubble of performing and three heads spin to find Ms. Darbus with a grin on her face and three pairs of eyes widen as they realize what she means, one in complete thrill, one in nervousness in excitement, and the last in complete shock.

“We got a call back?” Camila asks bewildered and Ms. Darbus simply nods before returning back stage. “We got a call back!” Caila shouts and jumps to pull Lauren into a hug, wrapping her legs around her waist and arms around her neck.

“We got a call back,” Lauren agrees, smiling brightly and vaguely she can hear Ally celebrating next to them. She’s a little overwhelmed to say the least, but with Camila in her arms, she can forget about what this means for her basketball season. Push the stress to after the girl in her arms is in her arms.

-

“Fake left, go right,” Chris instructs for what feels like the thousandth time in the past ten minutes. She does as told, sweating and out of breath and her arms feel like jelly so it isn’t really a shocker when the ball spins along the outside of the rim then falls out.

“God Lo, what’s up with you today? First you show up half an hour late, now you’re fucking up all your shots?” he demands with furrowed brows, genuinely getting concerned at her behavior after never knowing her to be anything other than the best.

“I’m sorry I just, there’s a lot going on right now, okay? With states and school riding on my ass I just-”

“Lo states have always been a thing and you know that’s not what’s going on right now,” Chris scolds, tossing the ball aside and deciding to give her a break and not force the subject any further. “Look I’ll give you a few days to pull it together before I start demanding explanations, but this isn’t you. Go shower, if you’re late for practice again you got fiv sweet sixteens,” he threatened but smiled at her good heartedly and patted her on the back before sending her off with the idea of doing all the sprints a sweet sixteen contained on the brain to encourage her to pull her act together.

Lauren was torn. It had been a week and two days since the audition thing and she’d managed to keep it on the down low, but the call backs were posted tomorrow morning and she was kind of freaked about her friends finding out.

Camila had been great. She knew Lauren was nervous and without having to tell her why she’d been supportive of Lauren and taken things easy on her. They hadn’t practiced singing much yet but they had went out to grab pizza the night after the call back and that had ended with a steamy make out session in Camila’s car.

Lauren was glad that the younger girl understood she was stressed though, she really liked Camila and could see herself being with her, but at the moment she didn’t think it’d be wise to start a relationship and the fact that Camila seemed fine playing it by ear was a huge relief. It would have added too much to her plate to deal with a whiney girl (trust her she’s been there before) and Camila is cooperative, adorable, sweet, hot as fuck, and everything Lauren didn’t know she was needing in her life.

Don’t get her wrong, she definitely wanted to make Camila hers, but it was obviously very soon and taking it slow was in their best interests, in both ways too.

Camila had taken up Normani on joining the decathlon team and apparently that meant a lot of studying to catch up with where they’re at. It was well in Camila’s range but she needed time to do that.

She’d been busy all weekend which was when she realized Lauren’s social status and was honestly kind of blown away by how popular the older girl was. The friday night on the first week back had featured a home game for the girl’s team, and Camila was beyond thrilled to see how good Lauren was. She had no idea when Lauren said she was a hardo she meant the best in Miami but apparently that’s her reputation, and Camila felt a bit shown up at the game.

She had went to support Lauren and Lauren had been thrilled to see her. She couldn’t talk to her at all during the game, but she did blow her a few kisses and caught her eye as much as she could, but the coach was strict and demanded all attention on the court during halftime and any timeouts.

Camila met up with her after the game for a few in a private hallway to congratulate her on the game, but denied an invite to a party that the girl’s were having to celebrate the victory. Camila had never been a party person as shown by her awkward reading at the New Year’s party, but Lauren’s snapchat story later proved that although the older girl may not like to party, she sure knew how to.

It looked wild and crazy and fun but not at all like something Camila would enjoy. She was glad that she chose a night in studying instead but did manage to snag some more of Lauren’s time the next day with a coffee date.

The next week though had progressed the same way, Lauren doing basketball and Camila studying while they kept their budding whatever it was to themselves. Neither girl needed the attention that bringing it to the public eye would get.

That’s what made the callback stressful for the both of them. Camila was well aware of Lauren’s popularity and as much as she liked Lauren, she didn’t know if she was ready to be linked to her. She didn’t like having eyes on her, but she thought maybe she would be able to ignore all of the others as long as her favorite green eyes were included in the mix. Still the uncertainty of people’s reactions (especially Ariana’s and Frankie’s after getting to know the two divas better) was enough to put Camila on edge.

Lauren was more nervous about what her friends would do. No, she didn’t care that Camila wasn’t cool in their eyes or even in their eyes, (they probably still hadn’t noticed a new student). She cared more about how they would pressure her to drop camila and the musical for her sport.

The thing is that basketball was her sport, her place, but that was only because she hadn’t allowed herself to think about anything else. But with Camila it felt right to do something else. She doesn’t know if it’s the singing or the Camila or both, but she feels like this could be something else that could be her thing.

She knew that once her friends found out she was looking elsewhere for anything, they’d have a freak out and do anything they could to stop her from finding anything that could replace basketball.

She just really didn’t know how far they would take it.

-

“Call backs?” Ariana’s voice filled the school lobby the next morning, filled with rage and confusion an something that had Dinah, Lucy, and the rest of Lauren’s friends laughing from behind her as they approached to see what the ruckus was. “What is this? What did you guys do?” she demanded, turning to the athletes who had been laughing but stopped in confusion at the accusation.

“What do you mean what did we do? It’s not like-” Lucy went to argue but stopped herself when her eyes read over the list. “Lauren Jauregui and Camila Cabello?” she read with a furrowed brow, not believing that her best friend would’ve auditioned for the musical in a hundred years, this had to be some sort of prank, right?

“Let me see that,” Dinah demanded, pushing her way through the few people in front of her and scrunching her face up as she read the names on the list. “Who the fuck is Camila Cabello?” she asks after a moment and Lucy groans in annoyance at Dinah’s comment.

“That’s not the issue, c'mon, we gotta find Lo,” she decides and Dinah nods along before shrugging to Ariana who’s still looking at them expectantly. “That girl better have a damn good explanation for this singing shit.”

Camila hadn’t seen Lauren all day since it was a weird schedule day and they hadn’t had bio or creative writing yet, but she does see Normani Kordei with a demanding look that makes her heart stop when she shuts her locker.

“Lauren Jauregui?” Normani asks in a flabbergasted tone as Camila holds a hand to her chest to settle the rapid beating that came from the fright. “Seriously, Lauren jauregui? The Lauren Jauregui, do you even- what even- singing with the Lauren Jauregui?”

Camila chuckles at the wording and takes a few steps before noticing that Normani is following her waiting for an explanation.

“Look not that it’s any of your business, mom, but we met over vacation and then she offered to audition with me,” Camila explained, leaving out the making out occasionally part because maybe Lauren doesn’t want people to know about that. “It’s nothing to be concerned about, it’s just some singing and fun and such.”

“Over vacation? Didn’t you live in Cuba or some shit before you came here?” Normani asks with her face still scrunched in confusion.  “Yeah, long story short we met in Maine because coincidentally we were at the same ski lodge but- it doesn’t matter, we’re friends and we’re singing together but why are you so thrown off by that?” Camila asks, confused as to why everyone’s looking at her in the hall but quickly coming to the conclusion that the call back thing is out.

“Wait y'all met in Maine before you transferred to her school? That’s wack as fuck, I mean what are the odds of-”

“Mani that isn’t the point, the point is that it isn’t a huge deal that I’m singing with her, what’s the worst that could happen?” Camila cuts in, not exactly annoyed but getting self aware with eyes on her as they make their way to bio where she’ll finally get to see Lauren and maybe get some comfort in all this.

“I don’t know, Ariana could like kill you,” Normani decides as she glares at some of the kids rudely staring at Camila making them whimper away in fright of her, “then we’d be down one for decathlon.”

“Well I doubt she’d kill me,” Camila shrugs, frowning when they enter the classroom and Lauren isn’t there yet. “Maybe cut my tongue out so I can’t sing but even then I’d still be able to write for decathlon so we’re all good,” she jokes dryly and Normani fakes a sarcastic laugh before taking her seat and then widening her eyes in realization.

“Wait! You sit with Jauregui in this class,” she says and Camila laughs at her pointing out the obvious.

“Yes I do,” she agrees and Normani glares her laughter down. Before Normani can come up with a witty come back though Lauren appears behind Camila and taps her other shoulder so Camila will turn the other way and have to spin in a full circle to meet smirking green eyes.

“Hey,” Lauren smiles in greeting and Camila smiles back before turning to Normani who waves her off with a suspicious look on her face. Camila shrugs it off and follows Lauren to the back where their lab bench is.

“How’s your morning been?” Lauren asks and Camila looks at her wearily and Lauren sighs knowing what the look means. “You’ve been getting the looks too?” she asks and Camila nods sheepishly while Lauren runs an aggravated hand through her hair.

“I don’t mind really, how are you dealing with it tough. I mean have your friends said anything yet?” Camila asks and Lauren shrugs leaning back in her chair.

“They can’t say anything if they can’t find me,” she answers, “I’ve kind of been hiding out.”

“Hiding out?” camila raises an eyebrow in question and Lauren nods, “hiding out where?”

“That’s confidential,” Lauren jokes and reaches for Camila’s hand in her lap pulling it over into her own before interlocking their fingers under the desk. “You see if I tell you, I’d have to kill you, and we don’t want you dead now that we got a call back do we?” she continues, toying with Camila’s fingers and Camila grins at her playfulness, honestly having expected to have a grupy Lauren when the news came out.

“Well I guess I’ll have to live in suspense then, huh?” Camila agrees, not wanting to push Lauren but still slightly curious as to where she could be hiding on the school grounds. Sure, Camila has a natural disadvantage since she’s new but that school isn’t too complex.

“Want to come with me next period?” she offers catching the other Cuban off guard because she figured it was Lauren’s special place or something. “I know you have it free and then lunch so we can avoid the crowds for a few, together, yeah?”

“Yeah that actually sounds really nice,” Camila agrees with a smile, “are you sure I won’t be intruding on any personal stuff?”

“Not in any way my love, just some quiet time and it’ll be two thousand million times better with you by my side,” Lauren reassures and Camila finds herself blushing at the term of endearment.

“Okay then definitely yes, I’d love to spend my free period hiding out with you.”

Lauren leads her up a nearly empty staircase once the bell rings, holding her hand the whole way and not caring when a few people pass by and give them strange looks. The older girl is giddy as she pulls her up.

“Lauren slow down oh my god this is more stairs than I ever thought I’d have to face,” Camila gets out as she tries to catch her breath as Lauren tugs her up.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m just so excited for you to see it up here,” Lauren apologizes and does slow down squeezing Camila’s hand enthusiastically.

They finally make it up to the final doorway before Camila is hit with sunlight and fresh air and - oh! It’s a greenhouse. Camila had heard about the greenhouse in her first few days here when people gave her the rundown of the things the school had to offer, but she hadn’t really given it a second thought until now.

“One of my friends is in the horticulture club and she gave me a permission band to be up here at all times,” Lauren explained as Camila let her eyes scan over the large, open area on the school’s roof. This explains where Lauren hid away and Camila is honestly amazed that she had such a cool escape place.

“It’s beautiful up here,” Camila gets out once she finally lets her eyes settle on the girl who’s more amazing than anything that she could be shown.

“Yeah it is really nice,” Lauren agrees with a soft shrug as she gestures for Camila to follow her over to the edge of the shaded area where a bench is rested. “Perks of having a lot of connections at the school I guess.”

“How do you deal with it? Being the center of attention all the time?” Camila asks softly, having wanted to voice this all week but not wanting to come off as rude. “Does it ever just feel like too much for you?”

“I’m not,” Lauren answers before she can think about what she should say, “the center of attention, I’m not really. My older brother, the one you met at New Year’s… he’s playing for the Heat next year,” she explains and drops her eyes from Camila’s because she feels too exposed talking about her feelings with such strong eye contact. “He’s the center of everything even here. The only reason people know me is because he set the last name’s standard. It does suck having any attention sometimes but… it means something, you know? To finally be able to prove yourself, it means something more than winning some stupid basketball game.”

Camila doesn’t really know how to comfort people. She would have regretted asking anyone else a personal question, but with Lauren it’s different. With Lauren she knows that she can ask her any question and expect an honest answer, she knows that Lauren isn’t expecting some big reaction and she knows that the hand she offers and the shoulder Lauren ends up leaning on is enough.

“My parents wanted me to be a doctor when I was younger,” Camila explains later after almost an hour of exchanging stories of the stress they’re under in their positions. “I don’t know when I started to want it to but next thing you know I’m spending summers in more classes and all my free time studying and… did I tell you you’re my first friend? Like ever? Other than maybe two girls in kindergarten but that doesn’t count it was kindergarten,” Camila admits in a shy voice and Lauren looks at her confused with the information. How could this angel of a girl had not had any friends before?

“Kindergarten was eve tough for me to socialize but I did it, I played with some toy frogs and some girls - I don’t even remember their names, god, but they played with me and I was happy to have met somebody who made me feel a little bit more comfortable,” Camila laughed at how dumb it was that she remembered the specifics. Lauren’s thumb stroking along her palm was enough to pull her away from her laughter though and continue the thought. “If this school was kindergarten, you alone are as comforting as over a hundred of those girls who played frogs with me.”

“Can I kiss you?” Lauren asks after a moment of sitting in silence again and Camila knows their talking is over for now, but she’s more than thrilled with the idea of kissing Lauren some more, and when their lips touch it feels like a silent promise that this won’t be the last of their talks.

-

“Okay ladies hit the showers and don’t miss gym time tomorrow in your free period, Steve will be there for check ups,” Chris calls out after the girls as they make an exit to the locker rooms.

The door opens again a minute later and he doesn’t need to look up to know who it is.

“You’re late.”

“Fuck, I know, I’m so sorry we just lost track of time and we couldn’t get one of the notes right since our voices are both high and-”

“Lauren,” Chris cuts in interrupting his rambling sister who straightens out and gets nervous at her brother’s tone. “As your brother I’m fine with you wanting to sing and dance or whatever the fuck, but as your coach? This is unacceptable. Two weeks. Two weeks until the biggest game of your career and you’re throwing it away for some girl? Some dumb musical shit that you’ve never even taken an interest in until this Camilla chick walks in with her puppy dog eyes and irresistible everything and you’re throwing away everything for her? I hope it’s worth it Lauren because I’m done chasing after you. This is the third practice this week that you haven’t been here for the full thing and everyone deserves better.”

She feels everything in her deflate. It had been a good day. A blind one but still good. By blind she means she hid out with Camila and ignored all of her problems and enjoyed herself in the bliss that ignorance is, but sooner or later she had to face the court and that’s where the problems came in.

It was the Thursday after the call back list was posted. Exactly a week had passed since she missed a half hour of practice and promised to get better and how had she gotten better? By skipping practice entirely.

It wasn’t entirely her fault. Ariana had gotten one of her minions to shred Ally’s sheet music which had obviously delayed them quite some time. Luckily Ally had a spare set, but it was at her house, so their after school rehearsal got pushed to a 3:30 rehearsal and basketball happened to be at the same time. So Lauren could either leave her smiley Camila to frown, or miss maybe half an hour again? Wrong, Frankie interrupted their rehearsal then tried to say they 'didn’t own the room’ when they tried to make him leave and everything was just messy.

Sure Lauren could’ve handled her time better, especially after showing up late to every other practice that week, but she was stressed and tired and not thinking straight and everything was doomed.

She burrowed herself and her frustration in basketball. Right now, actually, she was on her tenth sprint after Chris had left her to her own devices, dripping with sweat already but not wanting to go easy on herself after abandoning her team.

“Hey super star,” she hears from the door and it breaks her concentration. That’s what the issue is, that Camila breaks her concentration whenever she so much as exists near Lauren, so how is she supposed to focus on anything when Camila was existing very very close to Lauren. “So this is your real stage, huh?” she ponders and Lauren wipes at her forehead with her t shirt (also showing Camila her abs but not like to show off or anything lolol).

“Hey, what’re you doing here?” Lauren asks with a grin and camila makes all the disappointment she had a few moments ago disappear like it was nothing. “If I didn’t know any better I’d think you were blowing off decathlon?” she jokes and Camila shrugs with a chuckle.

“I’m rebellious sometimes,” she deadpans and takes a shot that somehow makes it’s way into the hoop.

“Woah Koby slow down there,” Lauren says and moves to pull Camila into her from behind. “Who would’ve thought you were the brains and brawn,” she continues and Camila tries to smack her playfully but Lauren beats her to the attack and pick her up from behind, tightly holding around her waist and smiling widely at the sound of Camila’s laugh.

It’s all ruined though when a voice breaks their moment, “Excuse me miss this is a closed off practice,” Chris reprimands from the door and Lauren wonders how long he was there but decides against speaking when she sees his unamused face.

“Oh sorry sir I didn’t-”

“Chris, you remember Camila, the girl from New Year’s Eve?” Lauren offers up, not wanting Camila to feel uncomfortable. “Camila this is my older brother Chris-”

“Yeah the singing girl I know,” Chris cuts in and Camila shrinks down even smaller than sh is and Lauren wants to hold her but knows she shouldn’t make a move to. “Look you’re really not supposed to be in here.”

“Chris she can-”

“No Lauren it’s fine, really,” Camila cuts in before Lauren can start an argument over her, already feeling bad enough that she made Lauren miss practice. “It was nice meeting you coach, I’m sorry about practice and this and yeah… I’ll see you later Lo.”

Lauren doesn’t like the look Chris gives her and she can’t tell if it’s because she wants to beg for his forgiveness or punch him in the face. That’s the first time it hasn’t obviously been the first choice.

-

“We need to talk.”

Normani looks up from her physics homework to meet the eyes of Dinah Jane Hansen and Lucy Vives on her and sighs because she knows what they’re going to say and she isn’t sure she’s going to like it.

She doesn’t respond, but gives them a raise of her brow to let them know she’s listening.

“So I’m sure you’ve noticed it too with Camila flaking out on practices and all, but her and Lauren don’t exactly bring out the best in each other,” Dinah begins hesitantly, always having been intimidated by the smarter girl and not knowing how close her and Camila actually are or how she’s going to react to this plan. “We think they need to be separated. Even if it’s just long enough for us to both win our hit, they can’t focus when they’re together and it’s fucking everything up.”

Normani doesn’t reply at first, knowing and actually more like hoping they already have some sort of plan on how to break the two up if they’re actually proposing this plan to her. “You’re saying you want to trick them into breaking up? Trick your best friend into ditching the only girl she’s actually liked since forever just so you can win a dumb basketball game?” she asks with a straight face and has to bite her cheeks to not burst into laughter when the two “tough jocks” shrink down in fear at her tone.

“Well when you put it that way it sounds way-”

“Tricks are for kids,” Normani cuts in and laughs to herself for a moment before taking in the confusion on her companions faces and deciding to give them an answer. “But if you’re going to pull one, you might as well get it done right, count me in.”

“Okay that was kind of like weird and all but-”

“Shut up Lucia, she agreed don’t go insulting her humor even if it was weird as fuck,” Dinah cuts her friend off in what’s the worst attempt at a whisper ever. “Now, we have a plan but you’re first in our class, so with the help of your expertise, we can perfect it, a fool proof trap.”

-

The plan was simple.

Trick Lauren into saying dumb shit and livestreaming it to Camila so she can be offended by the dumb shit. Let’s face it, this plan is made ten times easier by how easy it is to get Lauren to say stupid shit, but also by Normani’s ability to use rhetoric to get Lauren to say whatever she wants her to.

“What am I doing here?” Lauren asks as she makes her way into the locker room to find the team gathered with all of the trophies the basketball teams have won for the school. “What’s all of this?” she asks again, knowing something is about to go down concerning her effort (or lack of it).

“Our school was founded in 1975. That same year Nathan Scott led the team to a state championship, being the first team ever to take a title home on their first year as an official school,” Lucy begins, not answering Lauren and praying with everything in her head that this plan works. “He continued to win two more titles before playing D1 at Kentucky then playing for the Bobcats.”

“1997, Freddie Benson,” Alexa speaks up, “three years in a row led the team to a state title, beating out west high by embarrassing scores. Went to Stanford to play D1 ball then continued to play for the Clippers for years as their starting point guard.” (AN get it ?! cause he films video clips for icarly lolololol )

“2012. Christopher Jauregui. Led the team to two state titles and one national runner up position. Went onto play Duke and is now in preparation to play for Miami Heat,” Dinah finished, knowing her brother was a weak spot for Lauren. “Lauren you notice the one thing all those people have in common? They’re all guys. Sure, good for them, they represent our school and our people but what about the girls? It’s our time to shine but more specifically it’s yours.”

“2017,” Lucy cuts in for her last part that’s meant to be the hook line and sinker to Lauren saying dumb shit she doesn’t mean. “Lauren Jauregui. Planning to play D1 for UConn, then who knows where. But to get there you need this third title Lauren.”

Lauren silent, waiting for the shoe to drop, the one in which they reprimand her for being a bitch and ditching out on the team and she has been a bitch and she has ditched out on the team, so as soon as they say it she knows she’s going to be a goner.

“You have what it takes to lead us to this third championship Lauser,” Dinah continues after Lucy finishes part one, “but you’re about to throw it all away and for what? Some girl and a musical you never would’ve given a second glance if you were in your right mind space?” Dinah asks and Lauren’s eyes drop to the ground as she contemplates whether or not she stands an arguing chance.

“You can carry us so far and you’re risking everything to sing show tunes and play dating,” Dinah continues and doesn’t leave space for Lauren to cut in so she can get her main point across. “You made a promise to us last year when we voted you captain again and that promise was to be loyal to the team, loyal to us, and here you are abandoning us not two weeks before the big game!” Dinah shouts and Lauren knows the only way out of this conversation is to cave, so she does.

Dinah’s getting louder, rambling on and on and Lucy is hitting play on the webcam but Lauren’s too focused to notice that so she doesn’t, instead just cuts in what she knows her friends need to hear to feel secure.

“Look you guys I know I’ve been a shit teammate later but… you’re right. I need to get over my little play dating and remember what really matters. Basketball,” Lauren sighs and looks up to meet Dinah’s eyes so she can get it through her head and get her off her back. “Not Camila, not some stupid songs, nothing but basketball. I can forget about, forget about her, it’ll be done by tonight because you guys are my team and I’m sorry you guys had to remind me of it but I won’t back out on you again,” Lauren reluctantly says and based on the uncertainty in Dinah’s eyes she knows she has to push a little further. “She doesn’t mean nearly as much as you guys or the sport, just some girl who got too clingy and it wasn’t going to work anyways, I promise.”

-

“See? I’m sorry you had to find out this way but like, I wasn’t going to have my girl made a fool by some womanizing dick bag jock,” Normani explains as she exits the app on her laptop and shuts it before looking hesitantly up at the girl who looks like she’d been slapped in the face.

She regrets this dumb plan already.

“Do you want to come down to grab some lunch with me and a few of the club members? Look Mila I’m so sorry you had to-”

“It’s fine, this was dumb, all of it was dumb and I’m dumb,” Camila gets out in a rush, not wanting the tears to fall but not being able to hold them all in. “I’m going to hang back here, actually, I’m not feeling too hungry right now,” she explains and she can’t meet Normani’s eyes but she’s grateful that her now only friend is understanding and leaves the room with a comforting rub to her arm.

She cries for the lunch period then decides that she doesn’t want to waste more tears on the gil (not until she’s home in bed anyways).

-

She doesn’t see Lauren until the end of the day, not able to meet her for rehearsals because her heart would break at having to hear Lauren deny her in person. Still Lauren ends up at her locker in the end of the day as beautiful as always and Camila decides to not let herself be embarrassed and bite the bullet herself.

“Hey. Camz I’ve been looking for you all day, Ally said you told her you had homework to catch up on earlier when I went for rehearsal but god, you should hear what she’s added to the last verse it’s really amazing,” Lauren starts as she leans against the locker she often finds herself leaning against. “Anywho, I wanted to talk to you about that, I decided-”

“It’s fine,” Camila sighed, not able to turn around and meet Lauren’s eyes because she knew she’d start crying if she did. “I’m busy too and I know that this is an important few weeks because of your game so it’s fine. I get it, I won’t get 'too clingy’ and you can avoid a wreck.”

“Wait Camz what are you-”

“You know I’m actually kind of relieved I guess, this was just added stuff to adjust to and now I can focus on the decathlon,” Camila relents, not wanting Lauren to feel bad for her misreading the situation. She should have known there was a reason that Lauren didn’t want things to be official and it’s not like the girl had made any other promises. “I’ll see you around.”

With that Camila’s locker is shut and she ducks out leaving a confused and soon to be heartbroken Lauren with furrowed brows and eyes following the shorter girl. “Camz wait-”

“Captain,” Dinah calls from down the hall in the other direction and the second distraction is long enough for Camila to duck into a classroom out of sight. Lauren decides she should go home.

-

She’s confused at first.

Camila had left, and Dinah had been acting funny, and Camila’s friend Normani had sent her like four pitiful looks in the day which is four more than she usually does.

Camila’s ignoring her though, she hasn’t said a word to her since the day before when she left Lauren at her locker and quit the callbacks, but Lauren hadn’t given up. She’d been texting her over and over again and almost let out a sob in calculus when she realized Camila was reading each message and ignoring them.

She tried to go to basketball during her free period after waiting ten minutes to see if Camila would randomly show up to rehearse,but after dealing with Ally’s sad looks for the whole ten minutes Lauren sucked it up and went to the gym.

It’s not like she got any work done though. She missed a few shots then decided it wasn’t a good day and went up a level to run the gym track and clear her head.

That’s when she noticed the mumbling, the pitiful looks matching the ones Normani had given her coming from her teammates.

That’s when she knew something was up.

Lauren figures out what happened pretty quick after she put the first puzzle piece into place though. She’s oblivious sometimes, but she’s smart when she wants to be, and boy when it comes down to finding out why her girl is mad at her she definitely wants to be smart.

She figures it out based on what Camila said, the “too clingy” party sticking out in her head and causing a red flag to pop up. She remembered saying those words to push Dinah over the edge and she doesn’t know how Camila found out about all of that but she knows she can find out easily if she just asks.

The thing is she doesn’t want to talk to any of her “friends” because she knows they had something to do with this, intentionally hurting Camila and in turn hurting her, so she finds it difficult to bring herself to practice.

She also finds it difficult to bring herself to school the next day so she doesn’t go to either.

There’s officially a week until the state game, the scholastic decathlon, and the callbacks and Lauren can’t find it in herself to care about anything other than Camila who won’t answer any of her texts.

She’s calling Camila for what feels like the thousandth time in ten minutes and being sent to voicemail for what feels like the ten thousandth time in ten minutes when there’s a knock on the door and Dinah peaks her head in cautiously.

That’s what makes her snap.

“What the fuck did you guys do?” she asks, glaring from where she;s perched on her bed with her head buried in her hands.

“Lauren-”

“Dinah I’ll give you five seconds to either start explaining or get the fuck out of-”

“We had a video thing set up,” Dinah admits, knowing it’s not worth it to lie after seeing Lauren a few days before and right now. “We had Normani and Camila on video chat and we knew that we could… we knew you’d say something like that if we riled you up, you know?”

Lauren feels like she’s either going to throw up or start crying or both maybe probably both. She had an idea that they’d set her up, but hearing that your best friends intentionally sabotaged your first relationship with someone you really really liked hurts more when it’s confirmed by one of said best friends.

“Look Lauren I understand if you never want to see me again, we all do but we just, god Lo I didn’t realize how much this girl meant to you, honest I just thought she was a hot piece of ass or something and I wouldn’t have- I mean if I knew you’d be this hurt I would have never- fuck Lauren I’m so sorry and me, Mani, and the girls have already decided to come clean to Camila about the whole-”

“I’m the one who said it,” Lauren sighs and runs a hand through her hair trying to sort out her thoughts. “You guys knew you could get me to say something dumb yeah, but I controlled and chose what I said, and I said that she meant nothing when that couldn’t be further from the truth.”

Lauren was pissed, don’t get her wrong, but Dinah was a lovable giant, her lovable giant. The younger girl would never do anything concerning Lauren if she didn’t have Lauren’s best interests at heart, and even if she was a bit fucked up in her actions, she obviously thought she was doing what was right for Lauren and her future.

Lauren partially blamed herself for not keeping her best friend in on all of her new thoughts and feelings and treating her like she was only a teammate and not a friend. She could have went to Dinah with any of this at any point but she kept her feelings for Camila hidden and didn’t even tell Camila how she felt, which left the girl so gullible when it came to what she heard over the facetime.

“You want to help me fix this?” Lauren asks after a moment of silence between her and her friend and Dinah nods and hesitantly lets a smile cover her face that Lauren matches before tugging her into a tight hug. “I’m sorry I’ve let Camila come between us it’s just been… weird lately I guess, realizing I could like something more than I like basketball,” Lauren shrugs and Dinah lets out an overdramatic gasp before replying.

“Did the Lauren Jauregui just say she likes this girl better than she likes basketball? God I gotta get me some receipts of this moment for the wedding,” Dinah exhales, using a fake crying voice that Lauren shoves her for.

“Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, tease me all you want, but you owe me Hansen, so I need a ride to her place, I’ve got to go grovel.”

“Damn gay you do Jauregui, don’t let me miss out on getting the chance to ship the boat of a lifetime,” Dinah commands as she tugs Lauren towards the door enthusiastically.

The ride to Camila’s house is familiar from the past few weeks that Lauren had driven her home from school or home from coffee or pizza or one of their many unofficial dates that Lauren now wishes she made official when she had the chance.

Dinah parks a few houses over and says she’ll wait as long as it takes with an annoying wink and suggestive wiggle of her eyebrows that Lauren shakes her head at.

She doesn’t really know what to say, but she finds herself walking up to the door and knocking before she can second guess this grovelling idea.

“Lauren? Hi mija, I didn’t know you were coming over, did Camila invite you?” Sinu asks as she greets the girl she’d met a few times and instantly liked at the door.

“No actually, sorry shoot is this a bad time? I just wanted to drop by and talk to her about… stuff,” Lauren awkwardly explains, not knowing what Camila had told her if she had told her anything at all, which she probably did since she knew Sinu and Camila were extremely close.

“Camila’s actually busy with… homework,” Sinu replies after a moment, which Lauren can tell she checked with her daughter who was probably stood right out of Lauren’s sight. She can’t help but feel disappointed but still she gets it. She just needs a chance to be heard out though, a chance to prove to Camila that she isn’t the total asshat she was made out to be.

“I made a mistake, Ms. Cabello and I need Camila to know how sorry I am for making it,” Lauren declares boldly, hoping maybe Camila can hear her from wherever she is inside. “Can you tell her I dropped by please?”

“Of course,” Sinu smiles sweetly before shutting the door on the girl she’d grown to like, but hoped was willing to make up for the shit she put Camila through.

Camila had figured everything out. A little bit on her own, a lot a bit because Normani wasn’t good at being a bitch and couldn’t not tell Camila all about the scheme and how sorry she was to take part in it.

On one hand Camila was relieved to know that was just Lauren being stupid overwhelmed Lauren, but on the other hand, if that’s what stupid overwhelmed Lauren said without so much as a look of regret, how could Camila trust actual Lauren’s feelings.

Sure she was pushed into saying something along those lines, but Lauren is the one who chose the exact wording and hearing the person you’re slowly falling for say you mean nothing hurts.

She had told her mom all of it, trusting her with everything since they’ve been through so much together, but Lauren’s charm on parents was an added bias and she couldn’t fully trust that her mom was right when she said to “forgive and forget asap immediately because that girl is a gem”.

So that’s how she found herself sat on her bed, holding her ringing phone and thinking over Lauren’s recent words to her mother down stairs.

“Hello?” she answered.

“Camz?” lauren breathes into the line and feels a million pounds lifted off her back in relief at hearing her girl’s voice again. Sure Camila’s singing voice was like her own personal crack, but after not hearing her at all for days Lauren is sure a simple hello is just as good.

“Hey,” Camila repeats into the phone and can’t help but smile back as she hears how happy Lauren sounds to hear ehr.

“Okay wow umm, I didn’t think you were going to answer and I kind of don’t have anything planned to say,” Lauren breathes into the speaker and Camila has to hold in a laugh because she doesn’t want Lauren to know she has any advantages.

“Then should I hang up?” Camila teases but feels half bad when Lauren’s panicked voice immediately cuts in.

“No! No way , no don’t hang up just give me a second too…” Lauren trails off and Camila is confused for a second before her voice returns. “Look Camila I don’t know if Normani talked to you at all but-”

“She did,” Camila replies curtly.

“Oh? Oh okay so you know about all of the shit our dick friends did?” Lauren asks, unsure of how to read Camila’s tone. “I mean I’m, that’s not even the point. I’m not going to place the blame on them because I said what I said and what I said hurt you.”

“It hurt you because I hadn’t been honest with you, and they went through with that dumb plan because I wasn’t honest with them. I never wanted you to be hurt Camila, believe me that’s the last thing I ever would have wanted, but somehow I failed to protect you from it and I’m so so unbelievably sorry for that,” Lauren begins her apology and she can’t hear any reaction so she continues.

“I’m even more sorry that I didn’t tell you how I felt from the beginning. At this point I don’t see the need to hold back in telling you that I’m falling in love with you Camila cabello, and I know you have every right to be mad at me but I really hope you can find it in yourself to give me a second chance.”

Camila sharply breathes in at the confession and can hear the sincerity in Lauren’s voice. Everything in her is telling her to give Lauren a second chance because it’s a no brainer, but Lauren continues to speak before she can accept it.

“I wanted to keep things simple, to wait until after all this basketball shit to get you too involved with my mess of a life, and if you don’t want anything to do with me I get it but just… I like you more than basketball Camz,” Lauren breathes out and continues as best she can. “I’ve been so content for so many years just playing this spot as if nothing else matters, and for the first time in my life I have something else that makes me think maybe there’s more to strive for than winning basketball games. I feel like you’ve pulled me out of a slump I never would’ve known I was in if I hadn’t met you, and no matter what you say I want to thank you for that.

"But, I did bring you something, to try to persuade you a little more,” Lauren finishes and Camila smiles because maybe it’s food but then again it’s a gift from Lauren so the Lauren part of it makes any gift acceptable. “Turn around,” Lauren continues and Camila’s jaw drops before she spins and sees Lauren Jauregui standing on her balcony with messy hair and her same ripped jeans and t shirt from the first night Camila met her.

(Her bomber jacket it on Camila’s bedside beanbag, not that she’d ever ask for it back but when she spots it later on she smiles to a new level of brightness.)

“Oh my god, Lauren,” Camila gasps as she rushes to open the door and grete Lauren but the older girl holds up her hand cutting her off.

“This could be the start,” Lauren sings in a shaky voice and Camila can’t believe this girl could be hers in the drop of a hat if she just agreed to forgive her (which she has in her mind like a hundred times).

Lauren sings the whole of the chorus and Camila can’t believe this girl is hers x2 because she’s everything she never dreamed of because she didn’t know this type of perfection existed.

“So..?” Lauren asks once she finishes and Camila realizes she’s just been staring at her for a few but at this point she can’t even be embarrassed and flings herself into Lauren’s arms since the two and a half days without them around her was too much.

“You had me at 'I didn’t think you were going to answer’,” Camila sighs into her neck and Lauren lets out a soft laugh before picking Camila up and spinning her around in her arms.

-

“Can I talk to you,” Lauren looks up from where she’s tying her shoes to find Chris stood in the doorway. Usually he’s not allowed in the girl’s locker room, but the rest of the team was so excited they were ready hours ago and have been waiting out in the attached classroom (mainly because food isn’t allowed in the locker rooms).

“Yeah, coach what’s up?” Lauren replies, not noticing how her brother’s face drops at being addressed that way.

“As your older brother this time? Not your coach?” he asks and Lauren finally loses her focus on her shoes at this and looks up with curious eyes to find Chris looking at her with pleading eyes that she hasn’t been able to turn down since she was two years old.

“I wanted to apologize,” he begins and Lauren furrows her eyebrows because shouldn;t she, the one who flaked out on a ton of shit just days before the biggest game of her life, be the one apologizing. “About your girl, I was aggravated and jealous and stupid and… I didn’t want you finding anything to love other than the sport. I was never able to and I guess I misplaced my anger at myself for waiting to look for something more.

"You really like her though huh?” Chris asks and Lauren nods because is that even a question at this point? “Maybe even love her? I know it feels soon but the way you two interact, hell the way you look at each other, don’t throw this away over a sport, okay?” he asks and she nods again, before realizing her wants an actual answer.

“I wouldn’t, ever, she means too much too soon to be thrown away,” Lauren answers honestly and Chris nods.

“Good, good that’s what I wanted to umm… I want you to have a good game okay? A fun game? I know a victory would be ideal in the books but I’ve watched you play since your first hue game, and my favorite thing about it was never your points or rebounds, it was just your smile and enthusiasm and… hell Laur you play the game better than anyone I’ve ever met,” he admits. “Promise me you’ll quit if you ever lose that love for it, okay? I don’t want you wedging yourself into an athlete’s life, find what you love and pursue it, but don’t lock all your doors when you’ve only opened one,” he finishes and Lauren really missed this side of her brother. Lately he’d been all coach and no play and she was beyond happy to see his return.

She pulls him in for a hug because she has to, and is about to let him go but then she decides she needs to ask one thing she’s been wondering since he started talking.

“Chris?” Lauren calls to him once he makes his way to go and he turns with a raised eyebrow waiting for her to continue. “Do you still love it?”

He grins at her, a smile she hasn’t seen in awhile, one she remembers from the pictures taken after he won states five years ago. “More than you can imagine little sister.”

-

“You ready?” Normani whispers as she watches the liquid bubble slowly a few feet away from her.

“Yeah just one more… got it!” camila exclaims as she fiddles with the power box under her desk. The decathlon was fun for her, but it was a lot of sitting around, meaning it was easy to go through with the plan to get Camila and Lauren to call backs.

“God what’s that smell?” Normani pretends to wonder and it goes smoothly from their, Camila cutting the gyms power to give her girlfriend an escape route right before being ushered out of the room.

“Camila?” Normani asks before he girl can take off for the auditorium. “Are we okay? Are you sure you can forgive me for everything?”

“I am, as long as you promise to never mess with me again,” Camila smiles joking on the last part and adding, “also a cake, I want a cake,” for god measure.

“Kill it my girl,” Normani says as she goes to try to distract the people in charge as long as she possibly can.

Camila is excited at first.

Lately she’s been excited with the mere thought of Lauren so that might be it, but it’s also the fact that they’ll be singn together and camila loves singing with Lauren more than she loves factoring.

“Camila Cabello and Lauren Jauregui, once? twice,” Ms. Darbus’s annoying voice rings through the auditorium as Camila turns the corner and makes her way running.

“I’m here Ms. Darbus, I’m right-”

“I’m sorry Cabello but you seem to be lacking in the partner department. Seems maybe she’s caught in her basket game or whichever is happening in the gymnasium. But you can’t audition without-”

“She’s not without anyone I’m right here,” Lauren cuts off the teacher as she runs in, still in her uniform.

“I’m sorry ladies, but I had called you names, twice, and neither of you were here. What have I said time and time again about punctuality in the theater?” she asks and Camila wants to scream and punch her and maybe punch Ariana who’s smirking off to the side in same ridiculous glitter feather outfit, but before Camila can make move to attack, she’s cut off by a crowd of people, led by Dinah and Lucy making their way into the auditorium.

“Why, what is going on here?” Ms. Darbus asks, clearly getting a bit awestruck by finally having a crowd to watch something she’s putting on.

“There’s an audience, a pianist, and singers,” Lauren answers her and grabs Camila’s hand to pull the grinning girl into her side “Now that’s show biz Darby, we’re taking the stage.”

Ariana and Frankie look appalled, Ally looks happier than ever, and Ms. Darbus looks a bit shocked at first. “You heard the girl,” she finally says, “show biz is show biz, places everyone!” she barks out and Camila squeals with excitement allowing Lauren to tug her up onto the stage.

“You ready to kill it baby?” Lauren asks with a grin to her friends who are obviously already obnoxiously cheering her on.

“Yeah,” Camila nods, finally coming down from her high and remembering things like stage fright and nerves and - “wait Lauren I can’t do this,” she squeaks out just as Lauren gives Ally the nod to start but she immediately takes it back and makes her way over to grasp both of Camila’s hands.

“Look at me,” Lauren instructs and Camila does so after a second of letting her eyes roam over the terrifying crowd that’s waiting to judge her. “Hey, Camz, it’s just you and it’s just me. Take a breath. Good now close your eyes. Remember what you said? The girls and the frogs and kindergarten? This is just kindergarten all over again, okay bay? Let me hold your hand through it, okay?”

Camila opens her eyes. Not because she wants to open her eyes, but because she knows that seeing Lauren’s eyes is the only thing that can calm her down enough to get a performance out of her.

“I’m here with you,” Lauren smiles and Camila smiles back, able to shut out everything else just like she did that first night that she trusted the dorky good of a girlfriend she’s falling for to take care of her. She trusted her to help her through the unavoidable awkwardness that was then, and now she trusts her to help her through what’s probably going to be one of the most memorable moments of her life.

So she sings, Lauren sings first of course because that’s how the roles go, but Camila sings back, and she knows that she will every time she has the chance.

[salmonherelikesfishpuns]

Talk about your friends? What are they like?

my friends……….. Though leohanan has already described them, lemme give my slice of toast (lemme live with my fake proverbs) on the matter. i will use the same names leohanan mentioned so you know who i am speaking of

There’s SOCCER MOM: I share my morning classes with her this semester, and let me tell you its the best! Her locker is stuffed to the brim so she occasionally uses mine to store things (cuz i store like one (1) thing in there). These things are usually cookies she has made for us friends. THIS ONE TIME SHE WOKE UP AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING TO MAKE PUMPKIN SPICE FILLED PANCAKES AND BOAUGHT SOME AND I HAD THEM IN THE MORNING, IT WAS THE BEST!!! She and the others also decorated my locker on my half birthday! AND SHE GOT ME A FIDGET CUBE! Even though she is barely a day older than I am, she is the ultimate soccer mom. She brings snacks (she brought us cut orange slices once. I ate the most cuz oranges), makes sure we don’t do idiotic things, stares at us with a concerned face when our conversations get weird, and even has good taste in music! She recently put purple dye in her hair, which is hard to notice from the bottom tips because it just makes it darker, but you can notice it from the top. She has cool piercings in her ears, and PLANS TO GET MORE, hopefully. A fan of 5sos to the end. I showed my mom a picture of her in our yearbook and she now has 100% faith in soccer mom’s ability to make sure i don’t do anything stupid.

VODKA AUNT: Lemme tell you about this goddess: her fashion sense is on point, her clothes are always the best, and her makeup is perfect. I know its a saying when someone says the mascara is so sharp it could kill a man, but in this case its true, actually it probably has. She wakes up 4 in the morning my people, FOUR,  so she can look this fabulous. She hosted a Oatmeal party at her place when i mentioned i never had any. She has 2 cats, and they THE CUTEST BABIES IN THE WORLD. I am almost sure most of her phone photos are of memes, she LOVES memes, and the good kind too. She shows me new ones all the time and has a couple saved on my computer too. She is also a hardcore 5sos fan, and has a very good taste in music. A fan of hamilton forever, she has all the songs on her phone and can sing EVERY WORD in them. Was disappointed when i did not know who the beatles were, and proceeded to show me their music. I think she was the first to hear of my pink man theory…….HER HAIR I FORGOT TO MENTION HER HAIR …im not good at descriptions but just know it is a majestic masterpiece, also she very huggable

LEOHANAN (real name: Abdurahman, however you spell it): so if anyone wants to blame a person for introducing me to tumblr, blame this being. She kinda short, but you don’t notice it half the time cuz she got a big presence. She refers to other people as edgy but me and coatrack agree that she is the real edge god who bestows edge upon other beings. She currently in the process of getting her shit together, and not procrastinating (sounds fake i know). She an orange belt in like karate. Refers to me as a smol being. Her all might icon is cool though. She boasted this one time about this non-existent ship she had a blog about that would be the first thing that popped when you wrote the name of the ship. She is my main source for explanations of things i do not know the meanings of or do not get on the internet. Sometimes she tells me i’d rather not know something and then i proceed to ask coatrack who says ti very bluntly. She cool though. We tried to make a scale for how gay our group of friends were but couldnt decide whether leohanan or coatrack would be opposite to soccer mom’s straightness in the scale. She is also my designated rant friend, and the one i complain to alot. She likes to think i can make friends with guys, which is very naive cuz no, dont get me started on that one. Ummmm……. I feel like im forgetting something…………ah whatever

COATRACK: ok so when i first got to know coatrack through my other friends, i thought she was a plain piece of bread, with no character whatsoever. Boy was i wrong. She has good taste in webcomics, actually she just got me into another one called Namesake, its good, check it out! The main reason i got to know her better was because she’s in my last two classes of the day. I need someone to share my suffering with in math, and i also talk to her in TOK and EE. extended essay class (ee) is never productive. This one time we ended up searching names for her character who loves plants, and it was the best. I have also discovered coatrack has a good taste in sweaters, today she was wearing this starry night one and it looked so cool. OH I FORGOT…. She cut her hair, it used to be decently long before, and i could make good braids out of it, but now its as short as velma’s from scooby doo! She looks so adorable! Most of the time it is me complaining about something happening in the shows she makes me watch, which sometimes gets leohanan a little salty. She knows the ins and outs of the internets, at least in comparison to my sorry ass. She makes really good characters, like fergus who loves plants and i am sure she will give an unworthy boyfriend to. She a furry, totally a furry, and is kinda weird sometimes, but she generally a good person….. I think.

SUCCESS COUSIN: she gonna hack the mainframe, better watch out. She;s the person who does everything on time and has a goal for success. She also very small, but her personality is very big. This one time (was it halloween?) she came to school in this lady bug cape which was so amazing. She had it since she was little and it used to be like really long, but now it tiny on her. Her, vodka aunt, and me usually spend ITGS class searching up random stuff we were curious about. We were discussing 3D printers this one time and a few days later she brought these fish things he had made to hold her headphones, they were REALLY fun to play with! She will be the one to bust the success nut. She is like CEO style cool, and should totally come to school one day wearing a suit.

MEME QUEEN SUPREME: sooooooo……… i don’t know her too well to be honest, actually i’ve vaguely met her once, at a skating rink. She friends with leohanan and coatrack, and write4laifu. She goes to a different school with write4laifu, but she is in our group chat. I’ve seen some of her computer drawing, and they ARE THE MOST AMAZING THINGS EVER. like they hardocre really good, especialy this one she has of a circle with like some cool shit going on in the middle, its one of her profile pics for something i think. Also she seems really funny, and her appreciation for memes is very respectable. I would complain to her and coatrack about sherlock, and if she can stand that, she must be a patient person.

WRITE4LAIFU: i dont know her that well either, but her love for voltron is enough to be evidence of her respectableness. She also has cats, which itself elevates her to goddess level. She sends me picture of her cats, and they CUTE, like pinch your cheeks and scratch your belly cute. Her tumblr consists mostly of voltron and b99 posts. I am currently watching voltron, and her love for klance is so cute. Also she’s read the percy jackson series and heroes of olympus too and noticed when i made a jason reference so excuse me but i think that is the BEST.

THERES A LOT I FORGOT TO MENTION BUT YOU GET THE IDEA

[spanglerscribbles]

Sticky Notes on My Face.

Considering what is going on in the world at this point, I thought I’d share I bit of my personal history regarding a certain psychological battle (albeit still ongoing) that I’m sure many of you will relate to. No politics here. This will be a safe space. Plus, I need to write this out and get it off my chest. I figured those who read this will get a better understanding of the human being behind the screen and/or find out more about themselves after reading my story. 

I want you to pay close attention to this next paragraph. 

I’m the first born child in my little family, and soon became an older sister to my baby brother after 3 years of waddling on planet earth. As I grew up, I was homeschooled. Despite the social stigma regarding this private system, it’s made me who I am today. I would go back and do it all over again. I was raised by my mom and dad, my mom being a highly esteemed worship leader at our local church, and my dad being on staff at said church as the kid’s ministry pastor. I would have been around 10 when they got these positions. I followed after my mom’s footsteps and joined our youth group’s worship team as a singer. Later, I began to discover a more creative side of myself. I’m an artist, in the general term. To narrow it down, I am in the visual arts, dappling in graphite and digital mediums. But to be even MORE specific, as I grew older I became a conceptual developer, character designer, digital illustrator, graphic designer, animator, screen writer, and creative director, to name a few. I am now a graduate of Kalamazoo Valley Community college, with a degree in animation with honors. Currently, I am nearing the end of production for my first collaborative, animated short film that will release in the coming months. 

Wonderful. Now that I’ve talked about myself, I want you to do something for me. Count all of the titles I have stated in the segment above. Adding the obviously worded statements plus the one’s loosely mentioned… that’s 17.

17 titles mentioned about myself. Out all those 17, which stood out to you the most? Which sounded more appealing to you? Were they intriguing? Relatable? Likable? 

Whether we like it or not, we are all labeled. There will always be some aspect of us that people identify with as soon as our name is mentioned, and it will always have a name. 

I want you to think up a list of all the titles and labels others have given you or that you’ve given to yourself. Think up as many as you can. A contractor, Pastor’s kid, singer, university student, doctor, engineer, couch potato, foodie, pretty, ugly, football player, band geek, hyper, emo, conservative, liberal… 

It could be a small list or an extensive list. Think of all of yours? Great. 

Who would you be if they all just went away? 

Photo by Kelsey Wilson

Are These Labels What Really Define Me?

I want you to go back to the list of my own titles. There were plenty to choose from such as homeschooler, worship leader’s kid, pastor’s kid and artist. Those were the labels I was known for growing up. 

When my family moved to Michigan and started going to our awesome local church, I had to start my life over. I was a fresh face, a newbie. I had to start making new friends, but I didn’t know how. I grew up with friends already by my side back in Indiana. Meeting new people and befriending them was a foreign concept to me at the time. 

But soon, kids and adults alike began to address me as Karen’s kid or Brad’s kid… since my parent’s faces were quickly becoming well known in the community. Which, for some reason, made me popular. I befriended other PKs (pastor’s kids) while my dad was on staff. I remember two or three kids in particular I gravitated towards during those first few years in the mitten state. We would often stay in church all day on Sunday because of our parent’s pastoral obligations, so we would run up and down the office space and just be goofy kids. 

I was homeschooled from 1st grade onward, which was another label I was recognized for as I went into middle school. I never went to co-op, or went to many outside classes with others in the homeschool community, so all of my friendships were cultivated in our church’s youth group. Everyone knows once you go into middle school, things start to change… everywhere. Kids start to judge things they don’t understand a little more harshly than before. So a lot of the kids I tried to be friends with picked on me for having that label. So for a long time, I tried to suppress that and make my PK status more prominent. 

But I was in middle school now and my dad wasn’t overseeing these grades. So that title was only visible to a select group of kids along with the adults in my life who respected my parents. With my credibility gradually declining, I had to find another title that would help maintain what social status I had. So I started bringing my sketchbook to youth group with me. 

Kids were drawn to me like a moth to a flame. It was like I had these sticky notes on my face that listed all the titles I had in my possession that molded me into this appealing museum piece. I was shocked to see so many kids I’ve never met just walk up to me and gawk at my drawings. I did’t even need to initiate anymore… I just had to create interesting things to gain the interest of others. Almost every week I would come in early, sit down on the couch, just draw whatever come to mind, and let people come my way. From then on, I was known as the artist. I would post art on Facebook, I would create more drawings on my off time to show off on social media and in person. This went on, and it worked. Until life decided to not go my way. 

Photo by Gregg Lawson

Loss of Self.

It was the summer of my last year in middle school. I remember my family sitting down at the dinner table and my dad telling us the news that he was leaving his position as the children’s pastor. Soon after that, my mom stepped down from the worship team after singing in every morning service for nearly 5 years. Just like that, 2 prominent titles that the world identified me with were gone. I wasn’t the pastor’s kid anymore. I wasn’t the worship leader’s kid anymore. 

I panicked. I literally had anxiety attacks over this for months. I had no idea how this would affect me and my friendships and other people’s perceptions down the road. It got worse once I transitioned into high school. 

I was friends with all lower classmen, besides a few guys I hung out with in my same grade. But they changed drastically in short span of time, and seemed as though they did’t want anything to do with me. I was in the midst of an identity crisis, and I had to figure out someway to make myself appealing to these new, older, taller group of students with the only positive label I had to my name. 

I worked my butt off to be known as the creative artist. 

I didn’t bring my sketchpad with me as often as I used to, but I drew almost every day. I honed my skills, and got better. I posted more online, I made more friends over seas because of my art. I had a batch of “online friends” to brag about to people. I wrote stories to draw more characters about. I did everything to make myself look as impressive as a freshmen could with the talent that I had. 

Come sophomore year, I gradually found my people. I clung to these new friends every weekend, because they were the only ones that accepted me. I drew for them. I made art for them. I tried to appeal myself to them as often as I could. In hindsight, the smothering of creative adulation was farfetched and unnecessary, but back then that was the only thing I knew to do to maintain a relationship. 

So I got better. I drew more and more. I wrote creative stories, and built magical worlds with my visual talent. I made all of my work known to people. Creating art began to transform into an obligation than a pleasant pastime. Once I graduated high school and my friends parted ways, it crashed on top of me like a dump truck. The friends I thought I had weren’t intentional about keeping in touch. They found new labels, and were drawn to those of the same name. I was left alone, on my own path. All the work I poured into art was squandered. It meant nothing. Even in the midst of working towards my animation degree, I had no passion for it. Not only did I lose my love for creativity, I lost my identity. 

Photo by Chris Holt

Who Are You, Really?

Freshman year of college was a rough time for me. In the midst of change, I had to take a few steps back to rediscover myself. My whole perception of love and friendship came out of the mindset that I had to perform. I felt I needed to create more content, to live up to my artistic title in order to get the admiration I wanted from the people around me. Because that was what I was known for. That was who I was. 

But was it really? 

It was’t until a year later I went to a conference with dozens of like-minded creatives, passionate about their craft as well as their calling that I began to understand. I had conversations with people that were twice as old as me who had been dealing with these same issues. There were professionals in the industry who talked about these things. It was then I knew I wasn’t alone on this journey of self discovery… but it doesn’t have to be as complicated as one might think. 

So what if all my labels disappeared? I was no longer an artist. I could’t sing. I have no talent to speak of. I was’t pretty, but I was’t ugly. Not athletic or smart. No notable works to be mentioned. I have done nothing to entertain the masses or add to society. Who would I be then? 

To my surprise, I’m more than all of those labels combined. I went back to my roots. The foundational truths of God’s Word that I was raised on. It’s amazing how we can go throughout life and sometimes forget or completely disregard what the Bible says about God’s love and promises. 

  In Romans 8 it describes us as heirs to God, adopted into His family through faith in Jesus. Going on it mentions we have a purpose in His plan as His children. 

I am a new creation. 1 Corinthians 5:17

I have not a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

I was bought with a price. 1 Corinthians 6:20 

I am a light. Matthew 5:14 

I am blessed.  Ephesians 1:3 

I am an overcomer. 1 John 5:4 

I am more than a conqueror. Romans 8:37 

I am loved. Romans 5:8

The list can go on and on. There are so many places in the Bible that state God’s opinions about me. The kicker is that he thought of these things before I was even conceived. Before my heart started beating, before my eyes saw the world, He loved me. I didn’t have to do anything to earn it. He loves me, because He loves me, because He loves me… just because. 

  I didn’t do anything.   

Do you know how much relief I felt when I was reminded of that? There was NOTHING I could do that would make Him love me any more or any less than He does right now. He’s always been in my corner, I was just too blind by my own warped mindset to perform and succeed to gain admiration from others. In reality, it was far simpler than what I imagined. 

Photo by Luke Spangler

The Love that Defines You.

I didn’t need to put sticky notes listing my accomplishments and my titles all over me. Those are just things I happen to be called or that I happen to do. Those can come and go. Life has a habit of shifting your perspective that way. But what I know for sure, where my foundation lies and what I am grounded in is the fact that I’m loved by the Creator of the Universe.   

You may be reading this with one or two or fifteen labels spinning in your mind that you’re known for. You may feel the pressure to uphold those titles because you feel that if those sticky notes fall away, you would be left with an empty canvas that no one would love or admire. 

But know that in the very heart of it all, the treasure of your being is the unconditional love that burns inside you. The Love that wants you to prosper in life. The Love that had a plan and a purpose for you before you were born. The Love that loves your abnormally large nose, the one dimple on your left cheek, your bushy eyebrows and frizzy hair. The Love, that no matter how screwed up you are, or what awful things you may have done, or how many people you’ve hurt,  He is there by your side, willing to walk life out with you as you rediscover yourself in Him again. 

No matter how others see you, know without a shadow of a doubt, you will always be loved by the One who wanted you here in the first place, just because you’re His creation. 

Cheers, 

Hannah Spangler 

[musicandpointlessthings]

My “Top Albums of 2016″

Wow, what the hell was 2016 in the world of music? You had your great releases, the shitty ones, and the other ones that were just thrown into a pile known as; “Somewhere in the Middle”. This right here is a ranking and album review of some of the bands that I enjoy the pleasure of listening to, who (with my luck) decided to release an album all in the span of last year. This is totally late, I know. I started this back in November but like with anything else I choose to do I put it off until I can’t stop thinking about how late whatever it is will be. You wouldn’t think that doing something like this would be as difficult as it turned out to be for me. SO enjoy this if you read this or at least try to because I tried. Show it to others and hopefully I’ve made them mad enough for liking a band that I “should’ve stopped liking back in high school”.

7. Green Day – Revolution Radio

Ah, these guys are at it again releasing something “out of this world”; Revolution Radio.

Billie Joe Armstrong seems to be following again and again the same format of “revolution” and politics in his song writing ever since American idiot. I remember when I really wanted the RSD release of “Demolicious” and once it got online and I heard a few tracks, it was over for me and not worth it after that. They just made “demos” (compressed and distorted their “best” songs) from Uno, Dos, Tre. Those three are way better than RR even though they forced those records in one year down everyone’s throat, but I am not here to review them.. There were a few hook parts that I did enjoy on Revolution Radio, but I couldn’t give you a favorite track off this. Some songs still held that basic “Green Day” melody. Not punk or wild at all, lyrically they did almost the same thing Blink-182 did but not as bad. Its just not the way these bands who are trying to “come back from the dead” should go about it. They were just corny for a huge part of it. It seems that Green Day did not try as much on this record, and neither could my patients so that is why this is at the tenth spot on my list. I love you green day I probably always will, but why was your last actually good release all the way back in 2009?

6. Lamb of God – The Duke

 I put Lamb of God at #6 because I couldn’t call this a favorite of the year at all. And I want to say that these guys absolutely killed it, but then again this was just a random EP consisting of five songs, two of which are new and then three live tracks. I like the idea that these guys had because you rarely see an EP from them. The two new ones titled “The Duke” and “Culling” separately give a new sound and then they bring back their original sound. The Duke is a very interesting song all together especially because (this hurts me to say this) it really sounds like a Disturbed song. That statement shouldn’t be taken as an insult because I think Disturbed isn’t a horrible band at all like a lot of people see them as. The whole intro is so Disturbed-esque. The song is just different as a whole. They went a completely different route with the song and I’m proud of that decision because they put it out and they obviously felt strong with their direction they chose. I will say though that I’m just not into the Randy Blythe “singing” thing, the lyrics rhymed too much for my taste because it was literally almost every line he was rhyming. Seriously. Look them up.

 “Culling” brought back their original sound and oh my god guys you killed it. I really liked this song. It was powerful and the lyrics were smart. They really surprised me with this one ESPECIALLY THAT DRUM SOLO TOWARDS THE END. It was so unordinary but really interesting. I honestly have nothing bad to say about this, it was just so different from The Duke. Completely different vibes from both. I guess you could check this EP out if you would like, it wouldn’t hurt if you did. It just wasn’t anything special. I’ll just leave it at that.

5. Joyce Manor - Cody

Sometimes I feel like you have to be a big fan of an artist to really enjoy all of their songs on their albums. Or like at least one of theirs. I don’t know, that sounded good in my head. But I think you get the point of where I’m going with this..

 Joyce Manor’s new album “Cody” is at my number five spot. I couldn’t put it last, but I would never put it at the top. Simply because, in my opinion, ONLY HALF OF IT WAS ACTUALLY GOOD. I see it as the first half being that weird “Joyce Manor” sound being off time or just odd lyrics, and the second half (excluding one) appeals to me more. Not too sure what it is but it just sounds catchy to my ear drums. The lyrics on tracks from 6-10, specifically ‘Stairs’, are NOT amazing. Can I see myself being emotionally attached to them? God no. Did I vibe with them well enough to listen to them on repeat to sing my heart out because the catchiness was SO eminent on the other half of this album? Yes. I really enjoyed those tracks. The one I excluded though was ‘Reversing Machine’ because the opening line and how he sang it was just flat out annoying. Sure there was a melody there in this minute and twenty-nine second song, but this was one of their short songs that I COULDN’T do. I honestly wasn’t feeling it. My personal favorite? ‘Make Me Dumb’. Currently listening to it as I type this. The chorus just felt right to me when I first heard this album, kind of like a shoe perfectly fitting but more in the sense of the melody of it, and vocally the flow was so even and he sang it really well. ‘Stairs’ was good too with it being totally indie genre-fied, especially the way the end of the song transitions from its chorus & bridge “rock” vibe. The lyrics are a bit weird and kiiinnndd ooffff paaatthhettiiicccc? I don’t think he feels the way he does being 26 and still living with his parents, not able to do the laundry, etc. Those lines are just corny than anything else, that’s the only word I could find that fits the lyrics’ description. I know I know, this was “ his old bands song blah blah blah…” I don’t care. Sure it’s cool he resurrected it and made it different from the original, but just the lyrics are just really “meh”.

4. Blink-182 - California

                     YES! YES! 90’S “”””””PUNK””””” REVIVAL!!!! WOO!!

One of what like 50 older bands trying to make a comeback and touch the hearts of a newer generation that I’m now not considered a part of? Blink-182 made a comeback in 2016 and they did it very well. Their new album “California” made it to the top of the charts at the #1 spot which surprised me because there were a lot of people who absolutely HATED this album. I have a few reasons why people really disliked it. Well for one it made people super butt-hurt that Tom was not in the band nor on the tracks singing with his “accent”. Sure, I was in that large group of people but I got over it. I have respect for Matt Skiba filling such a large void and basically being the safety net or ‘superglue’ for Blink-182. When I first heard this album I thought it was absolutely weird not hearing Tom, and just being ultimately confused on what in the world I was hearing. It didn’t sound like Blink’s last three releases, but people grow and things change and I learned to accept that and I feel that more people have come back around and feel the same way about this. It was interesting to hear the first time, so I put it on repeat for hours trying to comprehend everything that I was hearing. Unfortunately these guys were another band, like Green Day, with those “too youthful” type of lyrics but they were NOWHERE near as band as Green Day’s. Though that IS what bugged me on this album, because these dudes are about forty now I would say? And they’re writing lyrics of “partying” and going out at night and having fun with friends and it’s just very weird coming from dudes at that age and happily writing about these kinds of things but I feel that they’re just trying to reach the newer generation with those tracks that have those lyrics. Like the song ‘Sober’; “Fell onto the table as the neighbors just stared – We laughed out loud and smashed their lights – Digging with our hands in the dirt outside”. What is this? I can’t picture Mark writing such lines. He even stated in an interview they wanted this album to be catchy like ‘Blink has always “been”’, sure their older songs were catchy but these new ones rhymed at almost every end of the line. It’s cool though. I don’t have any other complaints other than lyrics like that. The only other thing I could say was that this album sounded way over produced even though they worked with John Feldman who has recorded so many hits and #1 albums that it was inevitable that this would happen on their album. Oh and well whatever the heck they did with the song “Los Angeles” … But it’s at my number 4 spot because it WAS catchy after I repeated the album a lot and in the end I loved it. Uh, my favorite track? I can’t pick a favorite one but I’ll give two; “Cynical” & “She’s Out Of Her Mind”.

3. A Day To Remember – Bad Vibrations

I was extremely hesitant on listening to this. “Bad Vibrations” is at my number three spot and I don’t have direct and specific reasons as to why. Okay. Do I like it? After a while of listening to it and warming up to it, sure. It’s not their best even though they claim it to be; not even close. But It’s good enough because that “A Day To Remember” sound is still heavily there. They did what any other band does after five albums, THEY TWEAK THEIR SOUND, and I didn’t like that at all. An album that decided to go in a different direction of writing, specifically the lyrics, and that direction was a weird reversal move on their part. Their lyrics now are about being “paranoid” and it felt like they unintentionally decided to write how they probably should have wrote when they were starting out but now they have all of these fans that no matter what they do now people will love them because throughout their fan base there’s a line, a whole song, or even an album that fits everyone’s tastes. “Naivety” though having that “Decedents” rhythm throughout the verses, they bring it back around with their pop-punk sound they are oh so good at doing. The lyrics on this track distract me a bit by Jeremy’s choice of words; “What I hate about getting older”, “Wonder when I’m gonna get taller”, “Wonder what it’s like not being sober”. They’re weird. They’re weird for A Day To Remember to be writing about things like that and it doesn’t make me comfortable, but that chorus is so good that I can sing along to it and it’s beyond catchy. Songs that I heavily dislike on this album (there’s a few, hold on to your seats); “Bullfight” – though they went a different route with the introduction/verse, I can’t get into it. That breakdown though? YES. I like. Especially that hammer and anvil ‘ding’ during it is a great added touch. “We Got This” is horrible. I listened to it once and I’ve never gone back. It’s so bad. “Turn Off the Radio” was ‘ok’ at one point but now it’s something that does NOT soothe my ears. I listened to the “deluxe edition” so I can hear the bonus tracks and to be honest I listened to them once and (again) never went back. I really never payed attention because they just didn’t excite me.

Now that I think about this while listening to the album again, I do have a reason why this album is at my number 3 spot. Easily because there are enough songs on here that outweigh and make up for the really crappy ones. Something that did excite me on this was the song “Justified” even though the intro was different and odd, they broke right into the verse with their pop-punk styling and as I first heard it, it was like they said ‘PLOT TWIST’ and went all heavy and I was never expecting that whatsoever. Favorites on this album; “Paranoia” because it’s the first single released and it’s literally good ol’ A Day To Remember right there. It’s their sound. You would know it’s them. “Same About You” is another one that reminds me of something that could have been on “What Separates Me From You” and I love that album. “Exposed” because it reminds me of “Violence (Enough Is Enough)” and it’s just a heavy hitter that it makes up for songs like “We Got This”. Last one: “Reassemble” because the intro really intrigued me and it really drew me to liking this song. The intro is so triumphant to me and makes me think of soldiers being face-to-face with their enemies before they battle. Corny to say that but it just makes me have that feeling. idk.

2. Every Time I Die – Low Teens

 AT NUMBER 2 IT’S THE HOMETOWN BOYS

EVERY TIME I DIE

“LOW TEENS”

Another crushing album that had me excited for its release, as I’m sure it did for all of their other fans. Strange to think that the older these guys get; the music gets heavier on each release. “Low Teens” definitely exceeded my expectations with songs like “Petal” that was only heard live until the full release of the album, and songs like “Map Change” that was a constant build-up to a triumphant chorus. Every Time I Die did a really great job on this album for those songs and how their structures had been tweaked ever so slightly but had better preparations especially with Keith Buckley’s lyrics. Though I can’t say this album was ‘absolute “gold”’. There were some of problems of course. “Two Summers” was a big hit in the face and my ears did not enjoy whatever the heck they were feeling for that song. Did anyone notice that the opening riffs for this track sound exactly the same to some parts in their song “Wanderlust”? I don’t know I guess that just bugs me because it sticks out so much. I did not “dig” this song. I will skip over this when I want to listen to this album front to back. There are people who listen to the music and the instrumentation of songs, there are those that listen to strictly the lyrics, or those who enjoy both. I on the other hand listen to more instrumentation than the actual lyrics. So naturally with listening to this album that’s what I listened to because I know Keith’s lyrics though are poetic I kind of just hum about until I can kind of grasp what he’s saying on a line here or there. So lyrically on this album nothing pokes out to me, but whatever I hear and what I’ve read isn’t even half of the embarrassment some of these other bands in this review/rank I’m writing.

Favorites on this would be “Petal” particularity because of the crushing riff and line that Keith seems to put his all into; “I’d better warm up my gun” and god that gives me chills. Another favorite “Map Change” for its sweet and everlasting but interestingly enough build-up structure. And “The Coin Has a Say” because WHY WOULDN’T YOU LIKE IT. Oh that’s right people are leaning towards “It Remembers” because it features Brendan Urie and Its completely different from their typical sound blah blah blah I KNOW. That one is good too, I’m not hating on it. Just not fav I guess?

1. Moose Blood - Blush

 Now to the number 1 spot here.

 “Blush”

I fully believe, with every bit of my being that THIS album right here is perfect.  After I got used to it I wanted more, I wanted more of everything. The songs on this are structured beautifully with the exception of some odd timings on parts and I just FEEEL that this album and this group needs to be heard. Or at least more than they already are. All of these 10 tracks on Blush are phenomenal in my opinion and of course you can disagree with that or tell me that this band sounds like every other band out there or the singers voice is weird but I really don’t care about what you think particularly on this album especially when comments like those are so negatively put.

It took me a couple listens just like with any other album to really soak everything in and try to get used to this entirely new music you are hearing, but in the end I really enjoyed the work they did with this.

My favorite song on this would be “Freckle”, the last track listed because the vibe and melody of the song all around makes me happy. Others included in my top ones would probably be “Sway” because it’s slightly different from their usual work and the bridge section to the ending is great with its great build-up back to its mellow chorus. And probably “Honey” which brings in that different sound but still keeping it “Moose Blood”

There hasn’t been an album like this for me in a long time where I’ve enjoyed every bit of it and this will definitely hold a special place in my heart. Definitely check it out.

BONUS REVIEW

 50. Upon A Burning Body – Straight From The Barrio

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “why in the world are you reviewing this album, aren’t they irrelevant?” Well to answer your question, yes it seems that way. But at one point they were actually really good. And I want to say the “what’s up” with their latest release. Why at number 50? Because this album was so bad that I couldn’t even put it in a top ten.

Upon A Burning Body seems to me that they have found a lack of desire to do more on their newest full length Straight From The Barrio. Why do I say this? Well simply because the main issue once again is their lyrics; they are NOT good. And I mean this because It seems that the attitude in their writing has turn more into the styling of fronz from Attila by the way Danny talks about how much of “the shit” he really is and how many “fucks” he really doesn’t give towards the people who crap on them. Songs like “B.M.F.”, “Fake Plastic Smile”, and “D.T.A (Don’t Trust Anyone) are perfect examples to my thoughts on his lyrics. I feel like ever since their little “promotional” stunt they pulled when releasing The World Is My Enemy Now really got to them… I will say this though. Musically, this album isn’t as bad as I expected it to be. I did get bored halfway through the album because some of the songs kept opening up with the same drum fills and “fuck you” lyrics. The riffs, however, didn’t bore me too much. Some sounded the same, but others still excited me and I can tell they tried to at least try to change up their go-to style and bring some new things to the table. UABB included some acoustic/classical guitars in some of these tracks on SFTB, and even some instruments that would never make it on a traditional metal/djent(?) record. The last track on this record, “My Distorted Reflection”, was a change from the things they have put out in the past. This track was a straight forward “I’m not perfect” acoustic ballad with triumphant drums half way through was a much better added touch. I find this song to be very repetitive and his voice to be coarse well throughout.