#YOU WANT TO WRITE YOUR MASTER THESIS LIKE THIS TOO NEXT SEMESTER????

[officialkendallroy]

i cannot wait for monday. no more uni group projects. I WILL BE FREE

[hellsfirekeepsyouwarm]

hi! I just saw your requests are open and I love your writing and was wondering if you can do something with either ghost or gaz where reader is going to school for their masters in communications while working with the 141 and asks them to read their thesis but instead ghost/gaz makes them take a break/go to bed or something? I've been reworking my thesis from this last semester and I'm losing my mind lol....keep up the amazing writing and thank you so much love!

Here To Serve

Hello love! Thanks for coming my way with this ask because i just needed an excuse to write for Gaz. :D Be prepared to be fall in love with this man, i did. I tried to keep it simple, i hope you'll like it.

Kyle "Gaz" Garrick x Reader

Summary: Gaz finds you glued to you computer, tired an worn out and he takes the matter in his hands.

Uh-oh. It slips out of Kyle's mouth when he stops in front of his flat. He hears the last notes of Rihanna's Umbrella song before some classical takes over, even louder. He can't hear his own keys jingle opening the door, he can hear every instrument from the blasting music, ears already ringing. He can't prepare himself for the sight hat he's about to see.

You are just a small figure on the sofa, completely buried in papers, books and sharpies. And he can't help but chuckle at how lost you look, a manic expression on your troubled face, furiously typing on the keyboard. He's sure if you see him standing there, a smile on his face while you are on the edge of going crazy, you'll bite his head of for being so insensitive. He would watch you longer if the damn music wouldn't rip his brain out.

The room is a mess, and he finds the speaker under another pile of scratched out paper. He just lowers the volume, your head snaps up immediately at the loss of the stimulating background noise.

You look honestly horrifying.

"Oh no. You are home early." You smile, sheepish, almost embarrassed. Your eyes are glossy, makeup smudged over your cheek, messy hair peeking out of his grey hoodie that you are wearing.

You sudden surprise to see him sooner than you thought is quick to dissolve, you start rambling when Gaz sends you that scolding gaze. "Okay, so i had an idea. But that turned out worse than the previous one. So i had to rewrite half of it. But then i realized i may or ma no the original one better, so i..."

"Love.." Gaz puts down the Mexican food he got on his way home, finding his way to you over books and random stuff he wouldn't think about using while preparing for a thesis. Crouching next to you, a soft look easing the tension in your shoulders. "We talked about this."

"But i done it. Seriously." You turn your laptop towards him, to show a folder that was there weeks ago, perfect and ready. "I just need you to read it and tell me what's wrong with it."

Gaz shakes his head with a faint smile. "Oh no, no more of that nonsense. Give it to me."

With that, the computer is out of your reach, his skillful hands stealing it from your iron grip you had on it for hours now. You just now feel your sweaty palms, and an aching back and neck. "No, Kyle, please. I gotta double check if it's okay now."

"You will not do such thing tonight, and if it's up to me, ever." He take the laptop to the other end of the room, saving the folder beforeshutting it down. You want to protest more, but honestly your body is like stone, rooted on the same spot where you sat down in the early afternoon.

He's wearing casual clothes, one of your favorite jacket, that dark brown leather one, his skin is glowing from the wetness of the rain, cologne leaving a scent trail behind. You missed him so much.

You sigh, defeated, you know he won't let you touch anything that is related to your studies.

He walks back to you, your tired eyes searching for comfort in his gaze that he's more than happy to offer with a quick peck on your lips when gets back to you. He brushes the hair out of your face, soft fingertips caressing your skin. He doesn't linger too long, turning to the bag he placed on table, probably finding the only free space on it.

"Hey, where are you going?" You pout, unhappy about his absence in your personal space. He has that calming effect on you, and the loss of it makes your brain tick, circling back to your thesis.

"Uh-uh, do not think about it! I brought food, just gon' grab soda from the fridge and we can dug in, copy?" You nod, starting to arrange the books on the table, pushing everything in a big unstable pile in the middle.

He returns quickly, flashing a wide smile, eyes sparkling with love. You watch him fish out the food from the takeaway bag, the smell of Mexican food hitting your nose. He places mystery food bags in front of, making you wonder what deliciousness is inside them. "There you go, love."

You dive in together, eating in silence, a soft piano and violin duo making some background noise, occasionally letting out some huffs and satisfied hums.

You both watch the other in secret, laughing like teenagers when catching a glimpse of the other staring. Times like this you remember how young you both are, despite the lifes you live. On the field, his youthfulness presents itself as strength in body and mind, in quick reflexes and sharp ideas. At home, he is just a guy, feeding his significant other, making sure they are well rested and cared for. He's an idiot in love.

You inhaled you food while he eats comfortably, no rush in it. So you just memorize this moment, him eating in complete piece, enjoying the flavors, shutting his eyes for a seconds longer, maybe the taste is better that way. You are in awe of how full of life he is, and you would be the happiest person on this earth to keep watching him.

He opens his eyes, the last bite gone too. "Wha?" He's bushing, his accent popping off with the question.

"Nothing." You hold up both your hands, or rather the arms of the hoodie that swallowed your limbs.

Breath caught in his throat every time he sees you in his clothes. Yeah, you wore it ten minutes ago too, when he arrived home, but as your face beams like the rays of sunshine, a stupid smile plastered on your perfect lips, your body hiding under his own clothing, he feels like he's in heaven. His scent hugging your skin, the thought that you are so cozy in his clothes is just intoxicating. Makes his heart skip a beat.

"Come 'ere." That voice, raspy like in the mornings, when hes turned on, or when his emotions strike him at once. He pulls you close to his side, arm hugging you close, securing your body next to his. You snake your limbs over his body, leg hooked in his, arm grabbing his shirt for support.

When you settle, he sighs into your hair, planting small kisses on the crown of your head.

"Thanks for the dinner." You smile, turning our face upwards to meet with his gaze. "And for the distraction."

"Anytime, love. Here to serve." His cheeky smile makes you giggle, oh how madly in love you are with him.

"Hmmm... Well in that case, where the hell is the dessert soldier?" You ask, not able to hide your smile.

"Your dessert is right here, darling." He point at himself, utterly proud of his answer.

You laugh into his mouth, closing that already small distance between your lips, sharing a longing kiss. A kiss you yearn all day.

You break the kiss, trying to be as serious as you can. "But you brought dessert, right?"

He laughs, head thrown back, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down. "Yeah, i brought dessert."

He kisses you with fiery eyes, tenderly, lovingly, the softest way a man is capable of. That dessert might have to wait a little more.

[feathers-in-the-night]

Ok I think I'm going to do something "crazy".

I know that fandom has changed a lot in the past 5-10 years and that we've all been conditioned to "consume content" over actually "admiring art, watching movies, reading books" etc. I've heard that people get less and less engangement on their fics - I just didn't realize how bad it was.

I think as I wrote this fic, I built the anticipation up in my head. I kept thinking about how excited I was for people to read it and to see their reactions and such. That's my mistake - I built it over in my head for almost two years.

I admit I'm spoiled - it's rare for ficwriters to have as much engagement as I enjoyed back in the day, and I appreciate now perhaps more than ever how spoiled I was back then.

But uploading this fic has straight up become bad for my mental health because I'm stuck in a loop of getting excited when I post a chapter, followed by total disappointment when I get a single comment. To be clear, I have a few faithful reviewers/commenters, and I love you so much. You're the only reason I'm not just deleting the whole thing.

But this fic has gone from being my proudest work, to something that's taking up way too much space in my head in a negative way, and I don't like that. I'm supposed to be relaxing and recharging right now so I have a lot of energy for next semester, where I'm writing my master thesis. But I can't do that when my brain is just full of this fic.

SO. I'm going to pause uploading until I've buckled down and finished the last chapter and the epilogue. I hope it'll be done within the next two weeks.

And then I'm going to upload the entire thing over the course of a day or a few days. Still separated into chapters, for an easier reading experience, of course.

But Ive reached the point where I just want this to be over so I can be free from this cycle I've got myself stuck in. There's no reason for me to upload once a week over the course of the next six months, if it's just making me sad. I'd rather just release the whole thing so my few lovely readers can enjoy the entire thing and I can get out of the unhealthy loop I'm in.

I'm not writing this to be a downer - I don't blame anyone but myself, because I'm the one that's allowing it to take up this much space, and allowing the lack of engagement to hold so much power over me. Getting your beautiful and indepth reviews are like crack and it makes my day, and I hope that people will still feel compelled to leave reviews, even though I'm releasing the entire thing at once. I honestly want to cry that I've allowed things to get this bad for me and that's why I just want to be done with it.

Anyway. I love you all and stay tuned for the entire fic in a week or two I guess ❤️ I sincerely hope you'll enjoy reading it as much as I've loved writing it. Ive really rediscovered my love for writing and I have other ideas I'm going to pursue once this is done. Which is why I need it to be over

[glamorouspixels]

We've reached the point where I need to ramble about uni again (apologies to everyone seeing this on their dash). I'm working on my BA thesis and getting ready to take the second of two final oral exams that make up the final assessment of my degree. I did the first in early July and it was the worst I've felt since my burnout year. It feels genuinely impossible to survive the second without losing more of myself in the process. I've sacrificed so much for this stupid degree. My life consists of nothing but studying and writing. My attention span has suffered so much that I can no longer read more than a couple of sentences with my eyes and rely on text-to-speech readers for almost everything. Reading fic is so hard even though I desperately want to do it, and I have several-hours-long gaps in my days every single day where I just sort of float through time because I'm too exhausted to make myself focus for another second.

And I just… I can't see myself surviving my Master's degree. It's only ("only") twenty courses compared to the sixty that made up my BA, but ten of them require you to write massive papers, and your final assessment once again consists of two (far bigger) oral exams and a fucking 85-page thesis. The only thing I know for certain is that I need to get out. I can't afford to do both my MA and my PhD abroad, and since the only place I can see myself surviving a full-time job is academia I need to do my MA here before I can leave. You're supposed to do all of the above in two years and it's taken me nine semesters to finish my BA instead of six. I don't want to be stuck here for another three to four years while I suffer through another degree that is so unnecessarily hard compared to degrees at the same level in other countries. I am so fucking tired of this bullshit.

Also, something else I can't really talk about has been happening on the side and making it even harder to push myself through the other stuff the way I normally would. The second anything bad happens, my mind goes to this one specific thing and place I want to go to for comfort, but I can't. It's made things so much harder these past few months. And I keep asking myself if the correct course of action would be to take said thing out of my life entirely because there is so much potential for future pain there and it's almost inevitable that something painful will happen at some point. But I don't want to give up something so incredible that makes me so happy either. Anyway I've been trying to cope by writing fics about it. I hope you guys like extremely comfort-focused hurt/comfort because that's what you'll be getting for the next couple of months ��

[jeanmoreaux]

hey congrats finishing your degree! sis can you give me some advice how to push through finishing my thesis it is literally the only thing getting in the way of me graduating my damn masters

i know i shouldn't procrastinate but sometimes when i do think of it i genuinely believe i just get amnesia and i remember at very inconvenient and late times im just so lost

thanks & hi there!! oh, well, there really is no one solution or that helps everyone or would definitely work for you. i think it’s very important to fund out what exactly you’re struggling with: if it’s an overall time management issues (e.g. remembering to even work on your thesis etc.) then actually making a schedule and allotting your thesis work a specific time in the week/day could help. working big dates like deadlines to finish certain sections or chapters into this weekly/monthly plan could help too. maybe you’re lucky enough to have a friend who can act like a “thesis buddy” who regularly checks in on you and your progress (and in tumr you on theirs) so you feel that little bit of social press to actually have something to show the other person at the next meeting etc. it’s also more than okay to ask your thesis advisor to take on that role!! you can work out a realistic schedule in which you might hand in specific sections or have meetings on a specific chapter etc. if the problem is mainly not knowing where to start with the massive workload, making an action plan and dividing bigger tasks into subtasks, making small goals etc. are some ways to work around that.

if you’re struggling to actually sit down and do the work, things ofc are different. even if you have a time slot for your thesis work being productive in that time slot comes with other challenges or issues that require different solutions.

so, maybe in a first step it’s very important to kind of observe yourself and figure out at which specific points in the process of ‘writing your thesis’ you get stuck and the try to find solutions for handling these moments. when you have identified your problems, you can look for specific interventions that help you solve it. there’s also stuff online.

i have to admit tho i really did struggle A LOT with writing my thesis (haven’t been doing too good mentally last year) and the thing that really made me work on it was the external pressure of fixed deadlines (we only get two semester to work on our thesis and extension are rarely granted without good reason like long periods of illness etc.) and the social control of my advisor team. so don’t make yourself crazy thinking you’re the only one struggling with it. i can assure you Everyone i know who had to write a master’s thesis did encounter moments in which they wanted to rip out their hair and just say ‘fuck it’ and drop the whole thing. i don’t know anyone who had it all go over smoothly. we all hated it and we all got through somehow. and i truly believe so will you!!

[natreads]

you know what? I’m gonna be real about my experience writing my MA thesis for a sec. I’ve been too scared to go into details in case my method of writing it will make people think I’m stupid, but I also think it’s important to share one’s experience (if you yourself want to ofc) because it will probably soothe a panicked undergrad and that’s all that’s ever helped me when I’m stressing

I’m getting a masters in literature studies in sweden and we had to give a vague idea of what we MIGHT write our thesis about the first semester of grad school. we also got our supervisors before the end of the first semester, and I talked to mine before christmas break. since then I’ve gotten to talk to her 1-2 times a semester about my idea, but it’s never been too detailed. my biggest thing is that I gave her the impression that I was working on it more actively than I was, despite us not having to actually START until the fourth semester. I was always thinking of it tho, which I count as work. sorting things out in my mind etc

then came this spring semester and I was struggling to juggle the thesis with freelance work (since I didn’t work during my previous semesters) and I fell behind. it didn’t help that I started questioning the hell out of my idea. with not even a month to spare I finally found myself being able to properly work on it, having paused my freelancing to focus on it. despite not having many words I was almost always reading and researching, which is why I wrote half my thesis in like... two weeks? and I still have half to go. I’m not sure I’ll actually make it, but I’m writing this to share that everyone works differently and for me I needed to sort things out in my mind and do research without actually writing for a while. I mean, it was also very hard to start writing in general, but now that the deadline is so close I’m working faster than ever. and obviously I’ll need to edit the hell out of all of it, but I’m finally making visible progress, you know? and if I don’t manage to finish it this semester they’re super okay with us sending it in next semester. I just want to say that it’s okay and however your process looks is good as long as it works for you. is writing 70 pages in three weeks something I would recommend to others? god no, but the work I did behind the scenes helps me immensely now. I know myself and how I work. it’s gonna be okay

[osamusriceballs]

Hey Eve,

I feel way better now knowing that I’m not the only one who’s asks you aren’t coming through because I’ve sent a few over the past few weeks, but I guess the tumblr gods have been eating them :(( so I’m just gonna resend the most recent one I hope this message finds you well and doesn’t get lost in the void, lol. Just checking in to see how you’ve been; hopefully, you’re doing well and taking care of yourself, and relaxing when you can. As for me, the semester is officially over, and I’ve completed my program! I am now officially a college graduate, and I somehow managed to graduate with honors still a bit shocked by that, honestly, but I’m proud that my hard work paid off. Now in the fall, I can starting working on getting my second degree, which is essentially an extension of the program I just finished. My summer job starts Monday, and I’m not at all excited about it, lol, but hey, a job is a job, and it was either that or an unpaid internship, so it’s better than nothing, I suppose. I love all the Kuroo art and fics you’ve tagged me in; they’re a much-needed mood booster sometimes, lol. As a bit of a reward for myself, I got a Kuroo Nendoroid figure (I still haven’t taken it out the box yet; I’m terrified of something happening to it 😭), and he’s currently next to my Oikawa figure I got a while back. But yeah, that’s pretty much all that’s been up with me. I hope you’ve been well and are taking time for yourself <3

OH MY GOD-

I‘m so so happy to hear that, THAT‘S AMAZING OH MY GOD- I’m so freaking proud of you, that is a huuuuge honor!! You absolutely deserve it for being a smart bean and working so hard 🥺🥺💖💖 congratulations, I’m really really happy to hear that 💖💖 And you‘re even working on a secondary degree, I‘m all AHSJJSJWJE- you’re such a diligent person, pls spare some motivation 😭😭🤲🏻 how long will the secondary degree take? Is it like a master’s degree?

I hope your summer job is going well, what exactly are you doing? And when will the next semester start? 💖

I can‘t wait to be a college graduate too, I’m currently working on my bachelor thesis, which is why I’ve been a little less active, and a part of me feels like crying when I think about writing a master thesis that is like double the length in two years, but hey life goes on, and I try not too worry to much about that :,) I really wish that a bachelor degree would be enough to become a teacher, but you sadly need a masters degree to teach kids in Germany 😭😭😭 #smallvent

Ohhh, pls show me the Kuroo nendroid!! I also have two of them, Atsumu and Osamu (they were expensive as heck, but I also wanted to treat myself 😂😂)

I‘m so sorry to hear that your messages got lost, I really hope it won’t happen again 🥺🥺🥺 I don‘t want to know what else I lost 🥺🥺 *sigh*

BUT I HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT WEEKEND AND PLS TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF!! 💖💖

[everyday-effing-therapy]

04/07/2021

I am publishing this on 05/06/2022. If you consider my last post, this one seems almost funny.

Hello,

It is 23:54 when I am starting to write this post, I have issues typing cause I haven't done it in such a long time and I have one song going on replay.

I am still in the Netherlands, where I moved for university, although I am gonna leave to visit home in some time.

I came on here, because it's been a long time, because I'm struggling and I don't know what to do - in those situations I would usually come here. Also, it's the holidays, which always makes me more active.

Good news for any new folks here or somebody that did not keep up - I left my old life behind. No more Blacks or Golds or Silvers. I keep them in my heart, see them on Instagram occassionally and maybe will see them in a pub when I go home, but I'm not a protagonist of a book and my hometown is actually a city, not a town. Chances are scarce and, probably for the first time in my life, I don't really care.

I have a boyfriend now and that would single-handedly make the old me believe that moving here was worth it. And don't get me wrong, it was, but for far more reasons than having a boyfriend.

We met on a dating app back in November. We went on a couple of dates and ultimately started dating before the Christmas holidays. I got (half of) the experience of having your boyfriend drop you off at the airport - half, because it was covid and people without a ticket could not enter the airport.

It was a difficult trip home. I missed him, my dog was not there anymore, it was stressful and my grandma had covid, so I did not even see her. I have not seen her in person for 8 months straight, and that says something.

I came back to the Netherlands feeling a bit weird, a bit like I did not have a home anymore.

After that I met his parents, I started coming over to dinners and I had a home again.

His mom is lovely, although I did not really speak Dutch and she did not really speak English. His dad and his brother were very fun and fluent in English, and I fell for that family fast.

It was more than nice to have someplace to go. We spent winter next to the fireplace in his living room and I felt like things finally start making sense.

Months have passed and I went back home again in April. This time, it was better. Sadly, he could not go with me, but it was still a very pleasant experience. I studied, my parents had a puppy, so we were all engaged in doing things together. I got vaccinated. I saw my grandmas and my friends. Things finally made some sense.

To be honest, I did not really want to go back to the Netherlands. It was just so convenient, being there. To be honest, of course I would not want to stay in my home country forever. However, knowing that you don't officially live there anymore makes you appreciate it so much more.

Where it comes to the Netherlands, I cannot be indifferent. Every single aspect, I either love or hate, no in-between. It gets exhausting. But, I have felt the same way for my homeland, except that at some point almost all the love turned into hate. I know the feelings, some things I just did not expect.

My friends come and go and people I met at uni also do. A lot of people only come for a Master programme, which takes two years. However, they only have a year of courses, then a semester of thesis and semester of internship. Therefore, you see them come and then leave. I am going to stay longer, I will probably stay five years and it just feels like the strangest thing to exist - rooting somewhere, where everyone is swimming by.

My boyfriend's family, they are an interesting bunch too. They are religiious, something I am very much not and also something that I was running away from, especially in the aspect of my homecountry. However, I put my foot down. I do not watch the service with them and I think that was the most controversial aspect. Other than that, it's fine. We don't have same opinions, but their right-wing is probably close to what my nation describes as left-wing, so it's not as bad as I was afraid.

My boyfriend is great. He's loving and charming. We are both sun leos, him being born 21 hours after me. We have similar love languages, are both very touchy, wanted a relationship, seeked monogamy and overall, I am so glad I met somebody like him.

It's still surprising how different I am in a relationship than I thought I would be. It's nothing like my ex was, it's more raw, less painful, less exciting, more trusting.

We started dating so early on that I didn't really develop the butterflies. Call it a modern day of dating, but from the first date I knew it was a date - that if it works out, we go romantic. I have never had that before. All of my previous crushes I have been pining for, feeling great depths of excitement and then even greater depths of disappointment.

My relationship is everything I hoped it to be and yet so many things I have never expected.

[rosy-wooyoung]

Husband series [8/8] | Jongho

Word count: 4.3k Pairing: ex-husband! San x single mom! reader x boyfriend! Jongho Genre: fluff, another make out session yeet A/N: aaaand that’s the last one of the “series” !! I hope it wasn’t too repetitive and that you enjoyed it, feedbacks are appreciated! Thank you for reading!! (Jongho is bby tho 🥺)

You had met San when you were in college. You were a business student, and he was working as a graphic designer in a company near your university. Meeting through a mutual friend one night at a dinner out with the so-called friend, you instantly clicked as good friend. Your friendship soon grew into a romantic one, becoming almost inseparable. Even with your busy schedules, you still managed to make everything work, sometimes going out for lunch or FaceTiming each other late at night, right when you had finished studying. Three years later, your relationship with San was going strong, and you’ve never felt so pretty and happy. He was treating you the way you had dreamt to be treated, fulfilling every aspect that you were looking for in a man. San loved you with his entire heart, being called a simp by his friends and co-workers didn’t prevent him from loving you unconditionally. (people can be mean sometimes let just people love each other ffs)

He understood your mood swings, your constant tired state, but he didn’t mind. He knew that being at university was exhausting, so we let you have your space yet still had opened arms for you if you needed it. Since you were a teenager, you had an idea of a job that you wanted to do, so you did everything to make it work and study for it. Though one day, someone from a company came to one of your lectures to talk about his work and you immediately fell in love with his job. It was a job that you didn’t even know that existed, and you suddenly craved to reach this work in your career. However, there’s been a hiccup. You needed a master’s degree to reach this post. That meant moving to another city, going to grad school and start everything. And studying even more crazily that you were currently doing. And that’s what you did. You were getting busier and busier, to the point of almost not being able to handle your relationship with San anymore. You could already barely make your friendships work, let alone a romantic one.

There was another dilemma to all of that.

You had gotten married to San a few months after your bachelor graduation. Of course, you had celebrated it with a honeymoon over the Summer in Hawaii. And we all know what happens most of the time during a honeymoon… During your second month of grad school, you started feeling nauseous and dizzy several times during the day, starting right after you woke up. Worried, you went to the doctor to check if you were healthy, but it turned out that you were just pregnant.

Married and pregnant, you could say goodbye to your master’s degree.

You felt like you could do it at first, that nothing could bring you down, not even a baby or your health. You gave birth to a wonderful daughter seven months later, one of the happiest moments in your life. However, a few weeks later, it came to a point where taking care of your daughter, your master and husband became way too overwhelming for you to control. One night, you sat in your bed as you breastfeed your daughter, San lying dead asleep next to you. He was curled up in the covers, softly dreaming as your mind was rushing. Trains of thoughts, anxieties, worries invaded your mind, preventing you from doing your activity with your daughter calmly. She whined as you sighed, probably feeling your anxiety through your feeding, so you tried to take deep breaths and calm down a bit.

You were becoming irritable and quite aggressive, stress and exhaustion taking over your body. San taking care of you was sometimes suffocating when he just wanted to take care of you and your daughter. He was simply trying to help. But to you, he was in the way. You hated to admit it, but it was falling apart. San accused you from taking too much time for your master’s degree and Youngsoon, feeling left aside and abandoned as you privileged something and someone else more. San was always at work since he was the only source of income, sad and disappointed that everything had turned out that way.

“San, I want a divorce,” you said one night, and your husband dropped his fork in his plate. “No, Y/N, we’re going to make things work out, I promise.” “I don’t want to do it anymore, I’m tired,” you said, emotionless as you drank a sip of water, grimacing as it was lukewarm because of the candle standing next to it. “You’re just saying that because you’re under stress, I know you don’t mean it,” he said as he grabbed your hand across the table, but you took it away from him. Even when you were mad or angry at him, you didn’t act like that. He knew when you retracted your hand, it was serious. You fought for days, watching your relationship fall apart. San took the couch a few nights in a row, and so did you. There were nights where San went out, probably drinking or doing something else and you didn’t even get to see him in the mornings. No more post-it notes left on the counter, no more texts from him, just cold and bitter answers as you told him that you were going to bed.

[You] : I’m going to bed, your dinner is in the oven. [Sannie] : Ok.

This was the last text that you sent him. He came from work one day and displayed a stack of paper in front of you, as well with a pen.

“Have fun,” he said as he went out the door without looking back, his blazer in his grip. Divorce papers were scattered in front of you, reading each line of it during the entire night, pondering if it was a great decision or not. He had finally accepted your decision, yet he still felt miserable and in love. San had great manners, so he helped you move out when it was time. He was cold when he was talking to you, but you knew that you deserve it, but you also knew that it was his way of shielding himself. He waved at you one last time from his porch and sighed, letting his tears roll down as you drove away. After a few days, he was still sending you messages, but you ended up blocking him because you needed to focus on something else. It was a hard decision but move on was your key point.

Your master’s was doing quite well, you managed to get through the first two years. It was getting tougher yet more interesting, and you successfully ended your second year. Your third year consisted of you staying abroad or a semester or more and completing your thesis. Your grad school didn’t really allow this, but due to your condition, they agreed on letting you take your daughter. When you arrived in South Korea, you, fortunately, knew the basics, living your life independently as you tried to learn a bit of Korean every day, getting more and more comfortable in the language as the weeks went by. The company you were working at was filled with nice people, welcoming you in their life as if you were an old friend. You've been hit on by co-workers, but you politely declined, too immersed into your job and daughter to even care about dating.

A handsome man named Jongho worked in the company you were doing your stay in, and you grew to have a crush on him. I mean, who couldn’t. A lot of women in the company were cooing over him, he wasn’t the eldest, yet he acted more maturely than some of the eldest crocodiles in the company. He was courteous, gentle and a very smiley man, warming you up on a cold way only by his smile. You had talked to him a few times, but nothing crazy. You had unexpectedly met him on your way at the park, and he was coming back from the gym, still sweaty and muscles rolling around. He was wearing quite tight shorts and a tank top, offering you a nice view of his body. You were walking your daughter to make her fall asleep, so you hid at a street corner to avoid him and got out of your spot as he walked past you, never seeing you. One night, you had a company meal and had to decline it, even if you really wanted to go. You had to take care of your daughter, plus you needed to start writing your thesis, and you didn’t really like the fact that someone you didn’t know would take care of her while you were out, drinking and eating with friends. You were more reassured to be with your daughter, comfortably sat at home with a cup of tea, lo-fi music in the background, hard-working as you’ve been doing for the past five years.

The following day, Jongho intercepted you and asked why you weren’t there last night. Panicking, you tried to explain that you were busy with your thesis, but he wasn’t really convinced.

“It doesn’t matter anymore. Do you wanna grab lunch with me today?” He changed the subject, and you almost dropped the folders you had in hand. “I planned on cooking at home, I’m sorry.” “Alright,” he said with a thin disappointed smile, and you sheepishly smiled at him before going back to work. You hated declining opportunities to talk to him, but you needed to feed your daughter since the day-care centre had to unexpectedly close doors for this afternoon. Coming home from work, one evening, you noticed that you didn’t have any food left in the fridge. You started to think about ordering takeout, but you suddenly remembered that your daughter still had a fragile stomach and capricious stomach, making you sigh. You quickly dressed your daughter and put her in her pushchair, making your way out to the local convenience store.

And you happened to run into Jongho. Again. He was coming back from the gym, hair still wet from his shower, his sports bag loosely hanging from his shoulder. “Oh, hi, Jongho—” you didn’t even have the time to cross the street or hide that he appeared in front of you, almost crashing onto each other. “H-hi Y/N,” he stuttered, his eyes widening at your daughter, who was tugging on his pants. “Youngsoon, no!” You shushed her since Jongho didn’t move, almost seeing gears working next to his head as he thought about everything you had told him by the past. And it clicked. He quickly excused himself from you and paced the other way, as pale as if he had seen a ghost. That’s when you understood that he wanted to be more than just co-workers and you had no longer a chance with him. You had done your best to avoid him with your daughter, but it needed to happen one night.

The following day at work, you avoided each other like the plague, sending each other glares, but immediately looking away when you were caught red-handed in the act. It came to a habit for the following week, and you started to move on. It wasn’t the first time that you needed to move on, so you were kind of numb and used to it. At a lunch break, you prepared yourself to go home and felt someone touch your shoulder. It was Jongho, and your heart started beating faster. It had been a while that you hadn’t seen him this close and his hand on your shoulder sent electricity in your veins.

“Wanna grab lunch with me?” “Jongho, I can’t.” you sighed and kept on packing. “Take her along.” He winked as he placed a small piece of paper in your free hand before walking away. You opened it and discovered a restaurant address, making you dash and rush at home. Your daughter was slightly confused, but she clapped when you told her that you’d have lunch with the man that wore sweatpants the other night. When you arrived at the address, Jongho was already waiting for you at a table. You entered the restaurant, and he smiled, waving at you from his spot. You smiled, your heart banged louder when you noticed the highchair near yours. It was a small gesture, yet it was something meaningful to you; he cared about your daughter well-being.

“Thank you for the invitation,” you said as you sat your daughter in her chair. She was quite shy around Jongho, she couldn’t look at him in the eyes. She seemed impressed, which made Jongho smile. “It’s nothing,” he swayed his hand in front of him with a smile and bit back a laugh when your daughter harshly played with your hand. “Don’t hurt Mommy,” he said, and Youngsoon looked at him, pink appearing on her cheeks as she stopped pulling on your fingers. You grabbed your ring from her hold and replaced it on your finger, smiling as Jongho offered to play with his hand instead. “So how have you been?” you asked as you slightly smiled at the waiter, who was placing a bottle of sparkling water between you two. Jongho thanked the waiter with a nod and looked up, slightly leaning towards you. You shifted in your seat, trying to ignore the discomfort that took place between the two of you. “Honestly, not that good,” he finally answered after sighing. Your eyebrows furrowed, worried that someone bad happened to him. “Do you wanna talk about it?” you offered before taking a sip of the bubbly liquid, hitching your throat as you swallowed it.

“I missed you,” he blurted, and you almost choked. You certainly weren’t expecting this, but you weren’t nonetheless disappointed. “What?” you asked as you wiped your mouth with your napkin. “Yeah, I’ve missed you quite badly. Those past couples of days without daring to look at you, smile at you or talk to you made me realise that, yeah, I really liked you. I know I disappeared like a coward when I saw you with this little one,” he admitted as he shook his finger, which was still in your daughter’s hold since she was whining for affection. “I shouldn’t have, but I wasn’t expecting that you had a past like yours. I’m sorry, I realised I messed up the second I ran away, and I couldn’t see myself coming to you as if nothing happened. I hope you’ll forgive me because I really want things to work out together. I think we can go pretty far if you’re alright with it,” the last parts of his sentence sounded a bit unsure, which gave him an endearing appearance. “Okay, you're lucky that you're handsome,” you admitted with a smile and Jongho’s eyes almost bugged out, a shock expression on his face. “I forgive you, but I still need a moment to process everything. I haven’t dated anyone in a while,” you said with a nervous smile, which immediately reassures Jongho. “Of course, take the time you need,” he winked, and the remaining of the lunch went by without any trouble.

Time flew by, and it soon became the end of your stay in Seoul. You had to go back to your home country, leaving friends and co-workers behind. After that particular lunch date with Jongho, he invited you over his place the following night, cooking and spending the night together, as well as with your daughter. A memory of that night was still quite vivid in your mind, remembering your daughter sitting on Jongho’s belly, legs dangling off his body and Jongho softly played with her as you watched the film displayed on the TV. You smiled as you heard her fits of giggles and Jongho’s babbling. Your first kiss happened that night as well, right after putting your daughter to bed. He had waited for you to come back to the living room and sprung to his feet, almost knocking you to the floor. He held your waist and made you both fall on the couch, him underneath you. You were straddling him, a position that you didn't get to experience for years. You sat on his lap, and he cupped your cheek with his hand, the other clutching your waist, dragging you closer to him. 

Everything went almost too naturally, Jongho did everything to make it happen that way. He stretched his neck, and you leant in, your lips meeting halfway through. As you were exchanging your first kiss, you hoped that your daughter wouldn’t interrupt this precious moment. Jongho groaned in the kiss and roughly grabbed you by the neck to deepen your languid exchange, which made butterflies erupt in your stomach. Years that you spent every day without getting kissed on the lips, you hadn’t realised how much you missed this. Jongho was the one to wake Youngsoon up the next morning, leaving you to sleep in as you were tired from your activities from the night before.

They had a great bond together, it was endearing to see them getting along so well. He came a few nights in a row at your place, your daughter almost taking him as her dad. She always ran to him when he showed up at the day-care centre with you, rushing in his arms, giving him only a few seconds to scoop her in his arms and hug her. She held onto him very tightly, small hands grabbing at the hair on the back of his head. You stroked her head, and she finally noticed you, making grabby hands as she tried to escape from Jongho’s arms to come into yours. You were her mother, after all, she preferred to be in your arms than being into someone else’s. She was your cherished daughter, and you were her cherished mother. Other people at the day-care centre mistook you too many times as married young parents. At first, you were embarrassed and nervous that people thought you had your child together, but you quickly got used to it. Having someone as Jongho by your side made you realise how lucky you were that he chose you because there was no shortage of beautiful women in the company you worked at.

Today was the day that you all felt extremely sad. You had to leave all the great memories behind, as well as Jongho. You had tried to make him come along, but he had his family and friends there as well. You were exhausted, your daughter almost crying every night as you tried to put her to sleep, but the thought of leaving your boyfriend was near unbearable for her. The ride to the airport was silent. You barely greeted Jongho as you opened the door. He faintly smiled as he took your suitcases, stuffing them in his truck as you directly went to the passenger seat after installing your daughter in the backseat. She was pouting all the time, trying to turn around to look at Jongho for the last time.

Once you arrived at the airport, you happened to run into Yunho, one of Jongho’s friends, who was also getting ready to take the plane to go on a holiday. You tried to keep your composure as much as possible, but your eyes welled up with tears when you heard the call for your flight. You were about to go for a hug, but Jongho did a handshake to his friend, Yunho passing him his backpack, as well as his suitcases. You looked at them, confused, but when Jongho smiled at you, it clicked.

He was coming with you.

“Are- are you serious?” your voice wavered as you felt your eyes burning. He nodded with a smile, and you swore that you could’ve yelled in happiness. Which you did. You screamed and ran to Jongho’s arms, dropping your daughter’s hand in the way. She didn’t understand why you yelled, so she cried, interrupting your euphoria. You let go of Jongho to stare at your daughter and took her in your arms. “Honey, Jongho is coming with us,” she immediately stopped crying and sniffled, looking at you. She then looked at Jongho, who had the brightest smile on his face, caressing your daughter’s cheek with his knuckle. He gave her a kiss on the cheek, before capturing your lips in a feverish kiss. You felt someone taking your daughter off your arms and mumbled something. “Oh time to come with me pretty girl, I won’t let you see that,” you smiled in the kiss as you heard Yunho’s comment and took the opportunity to wrap your arms around your lover’s neck. The kiss got quickly abrupted as you heard the last call for your flight, taking your daughter back and waving at Yunho with a big smile as you rushed to your departure gate. Jongho had managed to find a seat right behind you and your daughter, comforting and playing with your daughter when you fell asleep. You were relieved that she wasn’t too loud, shyly looking at the man sitting next to you. You put your index finger on your lips to signal her to stay quiet, to which she slowly nodded. Her big eyes got distracted by a hand coming between the seats to scratch her belly, softly giggling at the tickles.

When you arrived in your home country, you were exhausted. You barely recognised yourself when you entered the bathroom, brushing your hair back into place as you yawned. Your daughter was barely standing up, you couldn’t wait to go home and call it a day. Jongho was waiting for you with your suitcases, ready to go and hail a taxi for a drive home. Reality struck you right in the face; you didn’t have a place to stay since you sold everything when you went to live abroad. The only place you knew was your parents’ house. After a call with your father, Jongho stopped a taxi and put the suitcases in the truck. Youngsoon was dead asleep in your arms, keeping her against your chest as you sat in the backseat. The journey to your parents’ house wasn’t that long, so it should be good enough to keep her like that.

You wanted to sleep for the next week, but your thesis needed you, as much as you needed sleep. Fortunately, Jongho was working in the same field as you did, so he could keep on writing your paper when you were exhausted. He and your parents were taking turns to take care of your daughter when you were doing your thesis or sleeping, barely making it alive when you put a full stop to your work.

“Y/N! There’s someone at the door for you!” Your mom screamed from downstairs and, from the tone of her voice, she wasn’t the happiest. You frowned and ran downstairs, almost stumbling on the last steps as you recognised the silhouette in the doorway.

San.

He was standing there, hair longer and body slimmer than the last time you saw him. You swallowed thickly as you had wished to look more presentable, but, to your defence, you weren’t expecting him to knock at your door a whole year and a half after your divorce. You clenched your teeth as you stared at him, whereas he had the softest smile decorating his lips. “You haven’t ch—” “Don’t you dare to finish your sentence,” you spat, looking at him dead in the eyes, “No.” you sternly said, pushing your hair back. “Okay,” he said as he widened his eyes, putting his hands in his jeans pockets. “What do you want?” you asked, starting to get impatient at the sight of your ex-husband. “To have you back,” he said, and your breath got stuck in your throat. “Of course, but you know that’s impossible,” you stated as you crossed your arms on your chest, only to hear San sighing. “But I know that we can make it work! You’re back from your year abroad, we can start again from where we left. I’ve been waiting for you to come back, I was hopeful that you’d come back, and you did. I promise to give you my everything to make things work, I’m even ready to propo—” “Darling, who is this?” you heard Jongho said and you turned around, only to find him with Youngsoon in his arms. The former stared at your ex-husband with a suspicious look. You looked at San, who was already looking at you. “Honey, this is San,” you answered, your eyes never leaving his, “my ex-husband.” Your words stayed stuck in San’s throat, who struggled to swallow. He looked at your daughter with teary eyes, hopeful that she’d recognise him, but she didn’t. Instead, she cuddled further into Jongho’s chest, her head turning away from her dad. Jongho still had the courtesy of extending his hand towards San, but the latter shook his head. He looked at you one last time, slowly moving backwards until his back came into contact with his car. You saw him clench his jaw and looked away, walking around his car, and entering it as quickly as possible before squealing your tires and taking off like a rocket. You sighed and closed the door, looking at your boyfriend.

“Was it her father?” you nodded, and he held your hip, kissing it with such delicacy that you faintly smiled. “I thought that he had moved on,” you mumbled, and Jongho dragged you close to him by the forearm. “Don’t worry about it, he’ll do it soon,” he said against your temple as you caressed your daughter’s back, “you don’t have to feel bad because he still hasn’t moved on and you did, people move at their own pace, remember that,” he kissed your temple and tightened your hold around his waist, humming his shirt. You closed your eyes and felt at peace, the memory of San slowly fading away in your brain. You couldn’t help but feel terrible, but deep down, you knew that he’d move on someday. It wasn’t just meant to be now.

[officialkendallroy]

hi !! ^_^ are u in a masters program for social work? im slowly getting my bachelors but my school doesnt have a social work program so im studying sociology and hoping to go to grad school after... if you arent too busy or anything i would really appreciate if u could tell me a it about what studying social work is like? <333

i am not in a masters program!! im hopefully gonna write my bachelors thesis next semester!! but ofc i can tell you about it <3 i do actually quite enjoy it a lot even though im so flodded with work rn and stressed out hihi. it's really interesting bc you get a peak into a lot of different work fields. like working with kids, with old people, mentally ill people, working in prison, working with lgbt people etc. and you learn a lot of things from psychological aspects of the work, to the law, to different work methods. at my uni you could always choose courses which interest you the most + the regular courses everyone had to take which i think is really cool bc i already know (or at least know a bit) in what field i want to work later on. it's like you learn the basics of social work and then you add on to that with what youre interested in. i have to say it's not the most complicated thing to study!! for me everything except law and psychology was pretty easy and like easy to understand and grasp. at my uni you have to do an internship over an entire semester. mine really really sucked and was bad and made me really sad etc. but a lot of my uni friends had really good experiences and want to work in that field they chose for their internship later on. the work load can get a bit much if youre lazy like me!! also i would not recommend studying social work if it's online. i feel really unprepared to actually get out there and like help people or get involved in peoples lives you know. ummm what else. you have to be certain that this really is the right work for you bc it does take an emotional toll on you and is really exhausting but not very rewarding (bad payment and not much recognition). also i feel like if my studying wouldve actually happened in the university and not just from home i definitely couldve told you so much more and different things. covid really made studying boring / second thought etc. but yeah i do enjoy studying social work and i do really like the variety of things i learn and get to know through this.

[neighbourskid]

2020

What a year, huh? Surely not anything anyone has expected to happen when we woke up on this day a year ago. I certainly haven’t. I’m not even sure, now, where to begin to sum up this year like I’ve done years prior. But then again... I may just as well just dive right into all the media I consumed this year, as I have done every year. I haven’t kept track as detailed as I have last year, but my year was definitely punctuated by pieces of entertainment that have come into my life.

Continuing on from 2019, my obsession with Good Omens was still going strong. Which was ideal, since I was gonna spend the first half of the year writing my Bachelor thesis on it. The intensity of the obsession may have waned a bit since, but I still love that show and book dearly and hold it close to my heart, and I don’t think that will ever stop. But while Good Omens was certainly an overall theme throughout my year, there were some other things that actually stood out.

With January came new episodes of Doctor Who, and having returned to that particular bandwagon the year prior, I was all about that. Jodie’s second season finally brought what I had longed for in her first--a darker kind of Doctor. She wasn’t quite as bubbly anymore, you could finally see some of the depths in the character that I loved so in the previous regenerations, which made me love Peter’s Doctor so incredibly much. In this season, I felt, Jodie was finally becoming the Doctor. Overall, that season catered to me personally every single episode. So many of the time periods they visited were of people I loved, and the introduction of Sacha Dhawan as the Master was absolutely....well, masterful. Sacha is brilliant in that role and I am utterly stunned by his talent. Although both John Simm and Michelle Gomez brought things to the Master that I liked, it’s Sacha’s completely unhinged take on it that made me finally like the character. He’s a madman and I love it.

The next major thing was The Good Place. I tend to have a talent of getting into shows just as they either ended their entire show, or the final season is just coming up. It’s happened quite a bit, and it was the same with this. I finally binged the show early in January and it would end its final season at the end of the month. True to form, I was completely obsessed with it for about a month, before I only occasionally thought about it again. But, thinking back now, I get this incredibly fond feeling for this show, and I remember that the finale absolutely wrecked me and I basically ugly sobbed through the entirety of it. Also very true to form, actually. I want to rewatch it again some time, but honestly preferably with someone who has never seen it before. Which, obviously, is a difficult thing to do given, well, everything.

Next up is something that surprised me a lot. In the middle of having to write my BA thesis, my procrastination thought it would be a great idea to rewatch and catch up on the entirety of Criminal Minds. And so I binged 15 seasons of that instead of writing my thesis. Which, coincidentally, had also just aired its final season not long before I started my binge in March. Rewatching this, I realised just how little I took in of the actual, like, stuff in the show when I first watched it as a teen. Although I mostly cared about the characters and their found family this time around--although I do find the cases really fascinating most of the time too--I noticed just how much I am not watching this for the fact that they are in the FBI. I was hyperaware of how often they shot at people before doing anything else, how many of the suspects died before ever being questioned or being brought in, and it made my skin crawl. I am aware how fucked up the criminal justice system is, and especially in the US, how the police functions and how incredibly glorified they are in the media. But rewatching this show, I realised how little I actually paid attention to anything when I was younger. Big yikes. Still, I remembered my love for these characters, and I really enjoyed that rewatch a whole lot. Found family will always get to me.

Once I finished writing my thesis and handed it in early in July, I then found my next momentary obsession: Community. The show had finally come to Netflix earlier in the year and a friend of mine had watched it then. I remember watching that pilot episode back then and being completely uninterested in watching it. The comedy felt like it wasn’t quite up my street, the characters were entirely unlikeable, and I especially disliked Jeff who the show was more or less centred around. I binged Criminal Minds instead, but then decided to give it another try. And, well, I watched it twice through without taking a break to watch something else in-between. Ironically, and maybe actually unsurprisingly, Jeff ended up being my favourite and I found myself relating a lot to him and his arc throughout the series. I even found myself writing some short ficlet-like things in the notes app on my phone. I made an attempt at starting a third watch, but I guess then the month was up, and my brain decided it was time for something else. My hyperfixations usually tend to die out after about a month. Which is why my complete devotion to Good Omens was a pleasant surprise. I did, however, end up watching quite a bit of Joel McHale and Ken Jeong’s The Darkest Timeline podcast throughout August. 

Early in September, while already preparing for the new term at uni, and my first semester in my Master’s studies, I then turned to New Girl. Friends of mine had seen it and recommended it, and I remember watching probably the entire first season on TV while I was in San Diego the first time around back in 2016. Or at least I think it was the entire first season. Either way, I binged that whole thing, realised through Nick Miller that the go-to character I am drawn to and tend to project on in any piece of media is usually what I like to call “the garbage man,” which Nick is a prime example of. And although I spent a month watching the show in-between starting university again and volunteering at a film festival, I didn’t spend much time afterward thinking about it and moved on to other things rather quickly. I enjoyed watching it, that much I remember, and I’m pretty sure I cried at the finale because it was done wonderfully, but seeing as another month was up, my brain was probably like “okay fine that’s enough”.

I then spent most of fall and early winter watching every single bad Christmas movie available on Netflix, which was quite fun. In that moment of festivity, I also watched a movie I found absolutely brilliant and fell in love with immediately. It’s a beautiful movie called Jingle Jangle, it has a magnificent soundtrack and is absolutely incredible. I had no idea Forest Whitaker could sing and he completely blew me away. If you haven’t seen it already, I highly recommend it. It doesn’t matter that Christmas is already over, it’s beautiful either way.

By the time December finally rolled around, I was already over the whole Christmas thing, to be honest and I turned away from festive movies or shows, and eventually ended up finally picking up a gem I had heard much about and had been meaning to watch for a while. A show which, as it were, also aired its final season earlier this year. This little show is Schitt’s Creek. I will be going on about what this show means to me probably in another post at length, but for now just let me say: if you haven’t seen it, find some place to watch it, and put this beautiful show in your eyeballs. I am on my second run through already (although I’ve seen the second half of the show a second time already while watching it with a friend on their first run through), and it brings me so much fucking joy. It’s a gift, this show. And it will likely stay with me for a very, very long time.

That’s about it for the big things. I also watched a whole lot of other stuff, including entirely new things, or just newly released seasons of things I was already watching. Here’s what I can remember off the top of my head:

Charlie’s Angels (2020). The Night Manager. The Witcher. Dolittle (2020). The Librarians (rewatch). Harley Quinn (2020). Sonic the Hedgehog (2020). The Chef Show (S1 part 3, S2 part 1). Avenue 5. Money Heist (part 4). The Good Fight (S4). Brooklyn Nine-Nine (S7). DuckTales (2017 reboot). Frankenstein live. Staged (2020). Hamilton. Sense8. Julie and the Phantoms. The Boys in the Band. One Night in Miami. Enola Holmes. Supernova. His Dark Materials (S2). Happiest Season. The Great Canadian Baking Show.

I also got some reading done in-between what I had to read for my thesis in spring, and then for regular university courses in fall. Here’s some of what I can remember:

Anthony Horowitz, The House of Silk. Ramona Meisel, Sunblind. Donna Tartt, The Secret History. Good Omens novel and script book. Matt Forbeck, Leverage: The Con Job. Keith R.A. Decandido, Leverage: The Zoo Job. Greg Cox, Leverage: The Bestseller Job. Greg Cox, The Librarians and the Lost Lamp. Greg Cox, The Librarians and the Mother Goose Chase. Greg Cox, The Librarians and the Pot of Gold. Neil Gaiman, Marvel 1602. Christina Henry, The Lost Boy. Neil Gaiman, Norse Mythology. John Green, An Abundance of Katherines. Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Aurora Leigh. Maria Konnikova, The Confidence Game. 

Having mulled over all this entertainment I consumed in 2020, there are also some non-tv or book things I need to point out. As many, many other people around the globe, I have also spent a large amount of time this year on my Nintendo Switch, playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons. It is a game I have waited for since the Switch was first announced, and I fell in love with it from the moment the first trailer dropped. It has brought me great joy in this weird fucking year, and I have more or less consistently played it since it came out in March. I ended this year with the in-game New Year’s Eve celebration and I feel like that summed up this year quite neatly and appropriately.

This year also brought with it another game very close to my heart: Super Mario Sunshine. With their release of Super Mario 3D All-Stars in September, Nintendo finally brought my all-time favourite Mario game to my all-time favourite console, and I played the entire game through in the first week of owning it, in-between university courses and volunteering at the film festival. Also contained in that package was Super Mario Galaxy which I have also played through in its entirety since. All that’s left for me now is Super Mario 64, which I am excited to play through in the coming year.

And to round off my year of entertainment, there are two more things I would like to mention. First, David Tennant Does A Podcast With..., which released its second season this summer. It is one of the only, if not the only podcast I keep up to date with and listen to immediately whenever a new episode drops. I’ve loved the first season dearly, and David came back with some incredibly fantastic guests for the second season as well. I can’t wait for what the podcast will bring in the future, but I will wait patiently until it is time. I can highly recommend it for everyone who likes interesting conversations between lovely people who clearly adore each other a whole lot.

And finally, while this year brought a whole lot of bullshit with it, it also gave me something I never thought possible and did not even dare to imagine in my wildest dreams. My all-time favourite show announced that it would be rebooted with the same main cast (minus one), a new wonderful member, and involvement of the original creators, and even started filming already in summer. Leverage is coming back. I still cannot believe it. I hoped for a movie, always. That maybe one day, they might bring the gang back together, for one last job, just one more encore. But to get a whole new tv-show with Aldis, Christian, Gina and Beth returning? With the addition of Noah Wyle? I can’t wrap my head around it. I am so excited for this. I predict that I will ugly sob through the entirety of the pilot episode, if not the first season, and will have to rewatch every episode because of it, but I have no doubt that it will be brilliant and wonderful.

True to form, I have now gone on about tv shows and movies for far too long, and haven’t really said anything about this year at all. 2020 was fucking weird. And I don’t think 2021 will be much different quite yet. I wrote an entire BA thesis in 2020. I successfully finished by Bachelor’s degree and started my Master’s studies and even got some excellent first grades in as well. I was lucky enough to be able to see some friends and family throughout the year, and even celebrate my birthday with a small circle of friends. I’ve become closer with friends, shared experiences I wouldn’t trade for the world, and, I think, maybe also grown a bit as a person.

I started this year excited to finally be able to start taking testosterone in February, and to finish the first part of my studies by summer. Although I did both of these things, they didn’t happen quite how I imagined them, but I am glad that I could do these things nevertheless.

2020 was a hell year, for sure. But there were some moments in there that I wouldn’t want to lose.

I’ve tried very hard to not be optimistic about this upcoming year, and rather take a more realistic, even pessimistic approach. But I can’t help but be hopeful. Hopeful that this year will be kind to us, and if it isn’t, that at least, we’ll be kind to ourselves and each other. It won’t be easy, and not much will change, I think. But we have to approach the coming time with kindness and compassion. That’s where I’m at currently. And I think that’s all for now.

Be well, friends, and take care.

[rokutouxei]

the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

ikemen vampire: temptation through the dark theo van gogh / mc | T | [ ao3 link in bio ]

The challenge seemed pretty simple: to try to befriend the university bookshop’s most sour employee, Theo van Gogh. As a literature major with a boatload of book recommendations on her back, it ought to be a simple task indeed. But as she uncovers what lies between Theo’s pages, the more she finds it harder to become closer to him without having to put the feeling directly into words. What can she learn from Theo about what it means to stay—and how can she teach Theo about what it means to let go? | written for ikevamp big bang 2020!

[ masterpost for all chapters ] 

CHAPTER 22 OF 22 [ END ]

But the world is strange and endings are not truly endings no matter how the stars might wish it so.

-"The Starless Sea", Erin Morgenstern

--

Like a reversal of fate, everything else goes according to plan afterwards: much to Theo’s delight.

After the expectedly but also overwhelmingly successful two-week long exhibit at the gallery, Vincent—after years of indecision—finalizes his documents and portfolio, submits a stack of photos and a long, written document detailing the exhibit to the graduation approval panel. The following month is the longest of the brothers’ lives, but the committee approves Vincent’s submission, and a few weeks later he’s finally marching down the aisle to claim his diploma. (It was a beautiful affair, Theo would always say about it, but in truth he was unable to see anything more than a few smudges of color, due to how hard he was crying. Thank god for photographs.)

Freshly-graduated Vincent takes on various jobs while submitting to various institutions both locally and abroad, and finally persuades Theo to finish his bachelor’s degree, promising that he’ll always be facing forward into the future. The following semester, Theo enrolls for a final time at the university, taking his last units to write up his thesis.

Theo doesn’t quit his job at the bookshop, but eventually as things get busier he can only take so many hours until he’s barely there at all. They get a new employee named William—Theo doesn’t really like him. Arthur gives a little show of crying when Theo reveals he can only work weekends now, treats him to dinner and some alcohol at the end of it, so maybe it isn’t that bad. Theo, of course, still forwards all his book requests to the bookstore, and, much to his disgust, continues to spend Saturdays or Sundays (or both, if he’s unlucky) as “quality time” with Arthur, as the latter has called it. It’s not much, but more than enough for his “begrudging” best friend.

As Theo is working on his thesis, Vincent finally receives an offer for apprenticeship at a rather renowned fine arts gallery a few hours away, and Theo feels all his dreams are coming true.

And it’s time to get a new one.

He’s finishing a degree, bracing himself to enter a field he’s always long wanted to be in, to help support his brother but also to begin the long journey of a little hope he’d long kept in his heart, the one he hadn’t ever dared to say, fearing he wasn’t good enough for it—of being the director of a museum.

He might even be able to take a master’s on the side, if he finds a company that’s willing to get him trained both on the company floor and in an institution—and his grades and a few recommendation letters will get him there, he’s damn sure.

And next to him, or well, miles away, his brother is getting steadier and steadier on his feet, near-sprint towards a future with art he’s always dreamt of as well, this time with no one putting him down. Theo’s going to make sure that stays the same for all the years to come, too.

It feels like the beginning of everything good, and Theo walks around the town with a smile on his face.

All that’s left to do is wait.

He has faith that everything will settle into their proper places, like they always have.

And they do, because just as she always does, it’s 2:00pm on a Sunday, and she comes, in a long, plain cream coat over a sweater, a short plaid skirt over dark leggings, high black boots, because it’s fall now, starting to become cold. She’s looking around her with stars in her eyes, like she hasn’t been here in a long time. And she hasn’t.

Theo spots her first, and then, like she feels the touch of his eyes on her skin, she turns to him. Her face brightens with a grin that makes Theo’s heart stop.

And then she runs with a speed unexpected for the shoes she’s wearing. Theo braces himself as she jumps into his arms, but they still topple towards the ground.

THUNK!

“Oh my god, I could have killed you!” she says, but every word is stuck in between fits of laughter. Curls of hair hang over the sides of her face as she pulls herself up on the palms of her hands and her knees. Guiltless, as she always is.

Theo crinkles his nose, raises a hand to brush off the curtain of hair. “You have an accent,” he says. It’s not derisive, not an insult, just an observation, the same way he’d say something about a work of art.

And, just because she doesn’t run out of ways to take his breath away, she laughs and presses a kiss on his lips, her mouth warm, his face suddenly hot. She smells like strawberries and sour things and home.

She pulls away and breathes against his trembling lips, “I missed you so much.”

“Talk’s for later,” he half-growls, pulling himself up into a seated position before taking her lips in his once more—his fingers in her hair, her hand on his shoulder, seated on his lap. The kiss doesn’t deepen like she expects it to: instead it’s just a series of small kisses exchanged between the two of them, passed back and forth to each other like a shared breath. His hand squeezes her waist and—

“GET A ROOM!” someone shouts from across the street, followed by a burst of laughter, random onlookers to a long-awaited reunion.

“God, I sure miss being home,” she chuckles, making light of the call-out, chewing on her lower lip in embarrassment, turning her eyes away from him.

The word home hangs heavy between the both; but a good kind of heavy.

But for now, he’s not having that, not when they’ve been waiting for this for the longest time; he reaches out to cup her cheek in his hand, only to feel the damp trail of a tear slipping down.

It’s his turn to snort, rubbing a thumb up underneath her eye. “Don’t cry, liefje.”

She pouts. “…‘I missed you too, baby,’” she says mockingly, but wipes the tears that fall out with the back of her hand anyway. The two of them stare at each other for a long moment, like confirming each other’s existence, like making sure the other is really there.

Then, she breaks the silence with a laugh, like she always does.

His heart feels more than just full. It’s always more than with her around.

“I kept all your letters,” she says softly.

“And I kept all your postcards.”

That makes her laugh. A sound he wishes he could listen to forever. “Ah, we sound like some kind of rom-com protagonists. So silly.”

“That’s not so bad though,” Theo says, taking her hand in his the way he’s always wanted to but has always been afraid to do.

“No,” she says, leaning against his warmth. Pressing their foreheads together. “Not at all.”

 --

And because her friend’s been bugging her throughout her entire first year at the university while she was gone, said friend decides to get back at her by holding a little surprise party to match the little surprise arrival she had made for Theo. She, Theo, her friend, Dazai, Arthur, and a shifty-feeling Isaac—she will have to figure out the details for that later—end up having dinner together at a place that opened while she was gone, talking about all that she’d missed, stories that may as well have already been told but feel different when they’re told face-to-face.

They all go home flushed, half with drunk and half with joy. She hasn’t really checked into her apartment complex quite yet, but Theo shoots down her friend’s offer for her to be driven back to the city in exchange for getting her to sleep at his place. The van Gogh residence has been home to one for quite a bit now and Theo… well, he’d like some company.

The two of them are walking home side by side, swaying a little as they pass through flickering streetlights. There is so much to talk about, to catch up on, so many things hidden in between the lines of letters and messages that are better sorted out in person, and Theo feels each question rising up his throat clawing their way out.

Was coming back worth it?

Won’t you regret it?

Did you find what you were looking for out there?

But they have time—they have so much time now, so instead, he settles for the gentle quiet they’ve always known each other for. Instead, he bumps the back of her hand with his, and because everything is more than with her, she takes it as an opportunity to intertwine their fingers together.

There’s mischief in her voice.

“Hey.”

“What?”

“Say ‘I love you.’”

Theo stops in his tracks. “What?”

The shock makes her laugh. Pulling at his hand to get him to start walking again, she explains, “You’ve never told me you loved me, you know.”

“I have.”

“Not in person!” she argues. “Not even in call. You wrote it, but that’s different.”

Theo can feel the words on his tongue already anyway, but he continues to prolong the inevitable. “What’s all this all of a sudden?”

“Nothing! I just haven’t heard it, and well, I wanted to hear it? Please?”

“No.”

“C’mon, you’re not fair. Tell me.”

“No,” he says, pulling her by her hand and pressing a kiss on the back of it. Chaste, and yet so deep with hunger it makes her knees wobble just a bit. “I’ll tell you later.”

She flushes a deep red.

--

After all this, their friends will not stop joking about how they’ve had one of the most intense courtships in the history of their friend group—and likely their university—but the two of them both rigorously deny that, saying that there are likely to be more complicated ones they just don’t know. Besides, at this point, it doesn’t really matter how long it had taken them to get here—

Just that they had gotten here.

And what a good story that journey was.

Just fit for a literature major.

But stories are stories because they flow into each other, and so even if that chapter has ended, that just means another one has begun and—there is so much plot to be done. She and Theo have a talk about their relationship—this time in person, and this time for real—somewhere in between their last semesters in university. Their friends are, well, still their friends, ever so patient even now that they’re together, especially after all that happened before they got to this. And the future is wide and the world is out there waiting and—

They can’t wait to see it together.

Like flower facing upward to the sun daring itself to see what the world has for it out there before deciding it wants to stay, deciding to grow its roots, deciding…

Right here is okay.

Like blossoming in reverse.

When she and Theo move in together to their own little apartment, away from the university, long after shared books at the rooftop of the physics department and Dragon’s Hoard and Little Owl, Vincent sends to them a moving-in gift: a series of three canvases, a triptych depicting the two of them at that most vulnerable part of their romance. The start of the most beautiful part of it. On the opposite panels, she and Theo; sitting in front of their respective windows, looking out at different cities, different times of the day. And in the middle, a humble little paper airplane made of envelopes, with their blue and red marking, the stamps, the smudged ink, crossing the landscape without care for distance.

They hang the paintings in their living room, above the sofa, the first thing they see when they enter their little shared home.

Just another one of many shared things that will continue to grow.

And today, they’re not yet done unpacking and they’ve only gotten out two sets of dinnerware just enough to be able to eat—but there is so much time. So it’s two in the afternoon on a Sunday, music playing lowly from cheap Bluetooth speakers, and their next-door neighbors are hammering something in the wall but it is still beautiful. Standing in the middle of the living room on the carpet, the TV and the books still in their neatly labeled boxes stacked against the wall—they hold each other close to the slow beat of the music.

Sure, they may have been idiots about this but—they have the rest of their lives to make up for lost time

And so Theo presses his forehead against hers, smiling when the gesture makes her laugh. Nothing makes him feel as warm as she does, and no metaphor, no literary reference will be able to truly put into words how he feels about having found her at just the right moment.

How they crossed that near-miss.

And how lucky he is to get to keep her.

Arm wrapped reverently around the small of her back, one hand on her waist, the other with its fingers interlocked with hers—he presses a small kiss on her knuckles, eyes sliding shut. Everything goes dark: the music shushes into silence, the room collapses, the only thing is him, and her, and the long eternity.

“…And this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart,” he whispers, quoting a poem from a poet from a book from a bookstore from what seems like a million years ago, sighing when she squeezes his shoulder, “I carry your heart—”

Tilts his head upward with her finger, oh, she has him wrapped around her finger, always has.

He looks back at her and her heart dips into the deep blue of his eyes.

She kisses the words onto his lips, “I carry it in my heart.”

---------

thank you for reading this! longer A/N on ao3!!

[morningfears]

Television Romance [Chapter Two]

Rating: PG-13 (a little suggestive, a little swearing)

Summary: Luke and Natalia go on their first date and they’re surprised at how well they get along. Natalia is also surprised at how well she’s able to ruin a moment.

Word Count: 6.7k

Chapter One

The conference room was empty as Natalia settled into one of the oversized office chairs situated around the long wooden table. She still had twenty minutes until colloquium, a meeting that took place every other Friday and served as a way for students to get to know their professors’ and colleagues’ research interests, began but she had just gotten out of a meeting with her advisor and didn’t feel like walking the extra few steps to the grad office. She knew that it would be full of students, each of them expressing how pointless they found colloquium or how annoyed they were to be on campus on a Friday, and though she usually felt compelled to agree (colloquium was, for the most part, pointless and her Fridays suffered greatly for it), she was in too good a mood to complain.

Although her workload had felt overwhelming, she’d managed to finish it all in far less time than she anticipated. She’d worked harder than she had in months and her sleep schedule suffered dearly for it but her advisor had the first draft of her thesis proposal, her conference paper had been submitted with nearly twelve hours to spare, and her co-author had the revisions necessary to resubmit their journal article. Her students had their first grades of the semester and every unread email in her inbox was answered.

She was exhausted, mentally and physically, but she’d managed to free her schedule completely so that she would have nothing to worry about when she went to dinner with Luke.

As if he could sense her thinking about him, Natalia’s phone vibrated in her hand and a message from Luke appeared on the screen. “Is it too cheesy to tell you that I’ve been looking forward to this all week?”

Natalia grinned at the message, a goofy smile that made her cheeks hurt, and bit back an uncharacteristic giggle as she replied, “Only if it’s cheesy to tell you that I’ve been looking forward to it, too.”

Though she had been somewhat excited when she met him - he was gorgeous - her excitement only grew the more they interacted. Throughout the week, she and Luke had exchanged dozens of messages. Most of them were superficial, wishes for good days and texts meant to plan their evening, but a few had been more fun and inquisitive. They’d wanted to save the traditional questions for the date itself - what do you do, where are you from, what brings you to LA? - so they’d had to get creative in getting to know one another.

Luke had taken to sending her cheesy jokes, stupid puns and ridiculous questions - her favorite of which was whether she would fight one horse sized duck or a dozen duck sized horses - in an effort to get to know her and it made her giddy with anticipation. She thought he was cute and he seemed charming. He was fun, silly, and sweet and she found herself starting to like him more than she thought she would. She wasn’t attached, not yet, but she could feel herself growing more comfortable with the idea of him becoming a part of her life and she only hoped that that would extend to their in-person meeting.

As she grinned at Luke’s latest joke, a cheese pun that made her groan in delight, she failed to notice the door of the conference room open or the bag drop onto the table beside her. She was too engrossed in typing out her reply, a string of emojis and a half-hearted plea for him to find a new hobby, to notice Nicole take a seat. Only when she spoke did Natalia look away from her phone.

“Okay, so, I was thinking about ordering pizza for tonight. We have some money in the grad association account and free food is the only thing I can think of that will convince people to spend their Friday night locked in the grad office. We can’t buy their alcohol but I promised everyone we would go out for drinks once the last person hit submit.”

Natalia blinked, confused as to what Nicole was talking about, before her eyes widened and her heart dropped in realization. “The writing party, fuck,” she groaned, her head falling back as she huffed a sigh of annoyance at her mistake. She wasn’t normally one to forget things - she was the first person anyone turned to when they needed to know a deadline - but it had completely slipped her mind. She’d been so caught up in wanting to see Luke that anything nonessential had completely fallen off her radar. “I’m so sorry, Ni. I totally forgot all about it.”

“It’s no big deal,” Nicole assured her as she watched Natalia spin in her chair to face her. “It really didn’t need any planning. I just sent out an email. I was hoping you could bring some of those method books of yours, though. I don’t have anything to submit so I wanted to work on my proposal. I’m having trouble wording the coding section.”

Natalia grimaced and shook her head. “No, Ni, I forgot and, uh, sort of made other plans?” 

She tried her hardest not to look guilty - it was an informal writing group that likely wouldn’t get much writing done, anyway - but Natalia felt bad. She knew that Nicole was struggling to get her proposal done and there weren’t many other people she could turn to for help. Their program was small, one of the smallest on campus, and of the current cohort, only she, Nicole, and one doctoral student had chosen the same methodology. They hadn’t had a formal class on the method yet - they’d been thrown to the wolves, not unlike the rest of their graduate career - and relied on one another to make the best of their situation.

This would have been an opportunity for them to sit down, uninterrupted by life, and work out the roadblocks she’d been hitting. However, Natalia had forgotten and committed to dinner with Luke.

“I can reschedule,” she offered, before Nicole could speak, “I feel like he wouldn’t mind.”

At the mention of a ‘he’, Nicole raised her eyebrows and shook her head. “No, seriously, it’s not a big deal. We can meet during office hours next week or something. But, that’s beside the point.” She dropped her cellphone onto the table and turned her full attention to Natalia as she asked, “He? Who is he?”

Natalia knew that Nicole was expecting her to say that the aforementioned he was her father, who she had dinner with once a week, or the new TA that followed her around like a lost puppy. But she wasn’t expecting her to say, “The guy from the coffee shop, Luke.”

“The one that destroyed your dress?” Nicole did look surprised, her eyebrows remained raised and her mouth dropped open, but she looked almost amused at the sheepish grin that graced Natalia’s face. “Let me guess, he asked you out as a way to make up for it?”

“…yes. He’s so cute, Ni, I couldn’t say no,” Natalia gushed with a grin as she shifted in her chair and reached for her phone. Nicole rolled her eyes good-naturedly and rolled her chair a little closer to lean over and take a look at the text thread Natalia pulled up. “Look, he’s been sending me stupid jokes all week and he’s excited about the date and so am I.”

“Wait, date? Holy shit, Nat, get laid!”

Natalia and Nicole glanced up from her phone and watched as Ali, the third member of their cohort - the only other master’s student that started the program at the same time as them - stepped into the conference room and took a seat across from them. “D’you finally agree to meet a Tinder match in person?” she asked as she grabbed a notebook and pen from her backpack.

“No, they met the old fashioned way; he destroyed her dress by spilling coffee on her,” Nicole answered for her as she grabbed her own notebook out of her backpack.

“Oh, retro vibes, cute. Is he hot?” Natalia rolled her eyes fondly as Ali leaned forward, her eyebrows raised as she waited for a response.

Although the three of them had grown as close as sisters and looked quite similar to one another, they couldn’t be more different. Nicole was the oldest - she’d taken two years off between undergrad and grad school - and acted like it. She was the voice of reason, the calming presence that kept Natalia from overreacting and Ali from under-reacting. She was the heart of the group, the one who provided a shoulder to cry on and a kind word of advice when things got tough, and neither Natalia nor Ali could imagine getting through grad school without her. Nicole was also married and had been for three years. She and her husband had been together since their freshman year of college - they met in a class - and she was very happy to be in a committed, long term relationship.

Ali was the wildcard of their group. She was a free spirit, only acting according to her own desires, and was unapologetic in how she lived her life. She was the group’s sense of courage, pushing Natalia out of her comfort zone by taking her out to bars and helping her fill her closet with clothes she never would’ve imagined herself wearing as well as helping Nicole get through the semester without bowing to the pressures of the administration. Like Natalia, Ali was technically single. Unlike Natalia, however, Ali dated around and kept her options open. She had a string of ‘boyfriends’ and decided that she would wait until after she received her doctorate to settle down.

Their biggest similarities were their looks. Each of them had long dark hair, though Ali’s was a shade lighter than Nicole and Natalia’s, and stood at a little over five feet. Nicole and Natalia stayed out of the sun, both of them burned quite easily and went red instead of tanning, while Ali remained a beautiful olive all year round. Nicole and Ali were both curvier, each with natural assets that Natalia longed for, while Natalia fell somewhere in an annoying gap between petite and average. 

Natalia loved the differences in her friends, she appreciated seeing the way they all complemented one another, but she couldn’t help but laugh at the almost predictable reactions she’d gotten from both of them upon learning that she had a date.

“He’s gorgeous,” she finally answered, grinning at Ali when she nodded in appreciation and gave her a thumbs up.

“That’s my girl! Have you got condoms? You can stop by my place and grab some after colloquium if you want. Oh, do you need help getting ready? I can do your makeup!” Ali looked to be almost more excited than Natalia was about the date. She was giddy, grinning at the possibilities, and Natalia hated to rain on her parade but she didn’t plan on sleeping with Luke on their first date.

“I appreciate the offer, Al, but I don’t think I’ll need the condoms just yet. I would love for you to do my makeup, though. We’re going to Oak and I know it’s kind of dark in there but it’s also a little nicer than the dives we go to so I should make an effort,” she reasoned as she watched the door swing open and a few of their classmates enter the room. She waved at them, as did Nicole and Ali, before she added, “We can talk about it after colloquium.”

Throughout the hour long meeting, Natalia’s phone wouldn’t stop buzzing. Luke texted her, a photo of himself and his dog that made her heart melt, and joked that he had the best help in getting ready for their night. Nicole and Ali filled their group chat - appropriately titled ‘why are we here?’ - with suggestions for conversation topics (although Natalia sincerely hoped ‘do you have any hot, single friends?’ was a joke) as well as gentle teasing about how their baby was growing up.

Natalia took it all in stride, shaking her head at Nicole and Ali’s teasing and gushing over Luke’s dog, but she felt just as excited as they all seemed to. It was nice, having plans and feeling something she hadn’t felt in a long while, and she only grew more excited as colloquium ended and they all began to file out of the conference room.

“Send me a text when you guys choose where you’re going for drinks,” she told Nicole as the three of them stepped out of the building, her and Ali heading toward her car while Nicole was off to her own, “I might stop by and get a drink after my date.”

“If you do, let me know. I want all the details. If not, we can all get breakfast or something and you can tell us everything.” Ali wasn’t the type to turn down a drink or gossip so it came as no surprise that she wanted to be included in the conversation.

“Have fun, Nat,” Nicole bid, a genuinely happy smile on her face as she began walking down the sidewalk. “See you later!”

Natalia and Ali waved off Nicole before they began the trek to Natalia’s car. She and Luke planned to meet at eight and it was already four. She knew that she had time - she would likely only show up a few minutes early - but she was anxious to get ready. She had no idea what she wanted to wear, how she wanted her makeup done, or how to wear her hair. She hadn’t been on a date in years - she’d been too busy worrying about school to worry about much else - so this was new territory for her.

Natalia was glad that Ali was there to help her get ready. She was glad that she had a friend who was willing to pick through her closet and help her find something that was cute enough to make a good impression but comfortable enough to wear for a few hours. She was nervous, a good kind of anxious that filled her stomach with butterflies and had her pacing her bedroom as Ali pulled the final piece of clothing from her closet.

“It’s going to be fine,” Ali laughed as she watched Natalia glance in the mirror at her makeup once more. She’d gone simple, opted for a natural look that only enhanced Natalia’s looks, and reached out to slap her shoulder to keep her from touching her eyebrow. “You’re going to wipe off my hard work. Here, get dressed. Would you mind dropping me off at my place on your way?”

“No, of course not,” Natalia assured her as she grabbed the garments from Ali’s hand and stepped into her bathroom to change. “It’s on my way. That’ll keep me from being too early, too.”

“I was at least a little strategic in getting you ready,” Ali pointed out as she waited for Natalia to exit the bathroom. “Have you warned him that you’re a chronic overachiever who can’t be late and has, like, forty calendars to make sure you don’t miss any deadlines yet?”

“I only have three,” Natalia defended as she emerged from the bathroom, smoothing the top she wore. “I keep them in different places so I always know what I need to be doing. How does this look?”

Ali brought her hand to her chest and faked a sniffle as she caught sight of Natalia. She had gone for simple here, too, and pulled a high-waisted black, button down mini-skirt, a white short sleeve top, and a distressed denim jacket. She handed her a necklace, one of the few pieces of jewelry Natalia owned, as well as a bracelet before she glanced at the two options for shoes she’d pulled out of the closet.

“How tall is he?” Ali asked as she looked between the pair of ankle boots and flats on the floor in front of her.

“Uh, very.” Natalia tried not to sound too excited at that - she’d always been fond of taller men - and Ali nodded in appreciation.

“Boots it is, then. Okay, I think you’re ready. Do you have any pictures of this guy? I’m curious as fuck now,” Ali hummed as she watched Natalia slip her feet into the boots.

“Mm, yeah, he sent me a picture of him and his dog earlier.” She reached for her cellphone, unplugging it from the charger, and opened her text thread with Luke to show Ali the photo he’d sent her. He had the same unique smile he’d shown her the day they met and his clear blue eyes were on display as he’d pulled his hair away from his face. He was cute, far cuter than anyone she’d ever dated, and she felt a small amount of pride at the impressed look on Ali’s face.

“He looks familiar,” she mumbled, after agreeing that he was gorgeous, “I don’t know where I’d know him from, though.”

“Maybe you saw him on Tinder or something,” Natalia offered with a shrug as she locked her phone and dropped it into her bag. “Or maybe he’s friends with one of your boyfriends.”

“Maybe,” Ali shrugged as she grabbed her bag and led the way out of Natalia’s apartment. “I don’t even keep track anymore. Did I tell you about Jason? I would drop out and become a trophy wife for that man any day.”

Natalia listened to Ali share a story about her latest boyfriend - one she agreed was gorgeous and seemed sweeter and a little more put together than the guys Ali usually went for - as she drove her back to her apartment. She realized, as they waited at a red light, that she would get to join the conversation about dates the next time they interacted and felt a small thrill at the idea. She usually had very little to contribute when Ali and Nicole spoke about their partners - other than the occasional, “I’m glad I’m single,” when they discussed the follies of man - and couldn’t wait to tell them all about her date.

As Natalia pulled into the parking lot of Ali’s apartment complex, Ali reached into her bag and pulled a few foil squares from one of the pockets. She took Natalia’s hand off the steering wheel as soon as she’d put the car in park and placed the condoms in her hand before she patted it and grinned. “You never know what you’ll need, so, just in case.”

With that and a grin that made Natalia roll her eyes, Ali climbed out of the car and sent a wave in her direction before bounding up the stairs. Natalia remained in the parking spot for a second, pausing to collect her thoughts and take a deep breath, before she shoved the condoms into her bag, pulled out of the parking lot and made her way to Oak.

When Luke asked if she had any preferences for their date, her first thought was of Oak. It was a bar that couldn’t be considered a dive but was also a far cry from the swanky clubs in other parts of the city. It was nice but not too nice. Like Molly’s, the bar was Instagrammable - a key factor in its popularity with college students as the drinks were a little pricier than two dollar beer but not unreasonable for an every now and again sort of thing - and encouraged patrons to dress a little nicer than the go-to athleisure look. Everything about it read 1920s speakeasy, except the patio. Natalia loved the patio, hidden off to the side with little wooden benches and cool metal tables surrounded by walls covered in ivy, and she was glad the weather was nice enough that she could request they sit out there.

The interior was always a little dark but Natalia thought it was kind of romantic as the lighting was supplemented by tea candles on the tables. However, the music - an array of jazz - was usually a little too loud for conversation. Because of that, she hoped that Luke wouldn’t mind if they ordered their drinks and took them outside so they could talk.

When Natalia arrived (only five minutes early, a rare feat for her as she usually arrived with twenty minutes to spare), she was pleasantly surprised to see Luke waiting for her near the front steps. Although she’d found him attractive upon first meeting him, dressed in basketball shorts and looking like he’d just woken up, he looked even better dressed up.

He had also opted for simple and wore plain black jeans and a wine red button down. He left the first few buttons undone and Natalia imagined that if she were a cartoon character, her eyes would be hearts by now. She wanted to stare at him for a moment longer but she didn’t want to keep him waiting. She took another moment, another deep breath, before she climbed out of the car and crossed the parking lot to join him.

“Hi.”

Luke lifted his head, turning his attention away from his cellphone, and grinned at the sight of Natalia. He quickly locked the device and shoved it into his pocket as he returned her greeting. “Hi.” He paused, his eyes raking over her body and taking in the sight of her, before he added, “You look beautiful.”

Without thinking, with only a giddy nervousness filling her mind, Natalia grinned and returned, “So do you.”

She and Luke stood there, taking one another in with pink cheeks and silly smiles, for far too long. It wasn’t awkward, the silence was appreciative and punctuated by shy grins and quiet giggles, and Natalia would have been content to spend the evening sharing heart-eyed looks with Luke had another couple not walked by, breaking the spell.

“Do you want to head in?” Luke asked, glancing at the door a few feet to his left before returning his gaze to Natalia. “I’ve never been here before.”

Natalia glanced up at him - the height difference was still noticeable, even with her heeled boots - and smiled as they entered the main room. “It’s nice. I’ve been here a few times but, I’ll be honest, I usually go to this place called The Door.”

“The Door? Why here, then, and not there?” Luke asked as they approached the bar and and each reached for a drink menu.

“I didn’t want to run into every professor in my department.” When Luke raised an eyebrow at that, Natalia shook her head and quickly added, “Everyone in the department goes there for drinks and I didn’t think it would fun to have my advisor a few tables over as we tried to talk. I chose this place because I don’t really venture too far from campus. LA is… overwhelming.”

“That’s fair,” Luke acknowledged as they waited for the bartender to make his way to them. He turned to look at Natalia, an easy smile on his lips and blue eyes alight with intrigue, as he asked, “You’re not from here?”

“Is anyone?” Luke laughed at Natalia’s quip and she offered him a smile in return. “No, I grew up in Oakland. It was a different vibe. What about you? You’re not from LA.”

“I’m not,” he confirmed with a shake of his head as he moved to stand a little closer to her to let another couple access the bar, “I’m from Australia. I’ve been here for a really long time, though.”

Natalia could smell Luke’s cologne and bit back a sigh as he met her eyes once again. It was hard to keep her train of thought with him looking directly at her, the longer she stared at him, the more beautiful she found him, but she managed to ask, “Yeah? What brought you to LA?”

As Luke opened his mouth to answer, the bartender approached the pair of them to take their drink orders. Luke gestured for her to order first and she chose the only thing on the menu with vodka - the only liquor she didn’t really hate - while Luke opted for the drink with rum. They started a tab - on Luke’s card, despite Natalia’s resistance - before she gestured for him to follow her to the patio with their drinks.

“Okay, so, what brought you to LA?” Natalia repeated as they each took a seat at one of the small metal tables The lighting was better outside, a little brighter than the candlelit interior, and she had to remind herself not to stare as she waited for Luke’s answer.

“I’m in a band. We came out here to follow our dreams.” Natalia wasn’t exactly surprised to hear that Luke was a musician. He looked the part, with shaggy blonde curls and chipped nail polish on a few fingers as well as a sort of confidence about him that she’d only seen in the wannabe rockstars she knew from home, so she nodded.

“Would I know your music?”

Luke smiled at her, a sparkle of mischief in his eyes, and shrugged. The look on his face suggested there was a joke that Natalia wasn’t in on and she scrunched her eyebrows in mild confusion as he asked, “I don’t know. What kind of music do you listen to?”

“A little punk - I’m from Oakland, we have a killer punk scene,” she defended when Luke blinked in surprise. He held his hands up in surrender,  a laugh falling from his lips, and gestured for her to continue. “Um, a lot of stuff that was released before I was born? My dad was in a punk band in high school and a grunge band in college and my mom was a riot grrrl. I grew up listening to whatever they were listening to and whatever their bands played and it’s still pretty prominent in my playlists. So, punk and grunge and a lot of classic rock.”

Luke looked mildly impressed by Natalia’s taste and nodded appreciatively. “Yeah, you probably wouldn’t know any of our stuff.” Luke laughed, again looking like he knew something she didn’t, before he took a sip of his drink. She shrugged, a playful smile of her own on her lips, and he shook his head. “I wouldn’t have expected that but that’s way cooler than me. I listen to a lot of pop punk, a little more alternative. And classic rock.”

“Nothing wrong with pop punk. I love blink. And I was super into All Time Low in high school.”

The conversation hit a short lull, both Luke and Natalia glancing at one another over the tops of their drinks, but it wasn’t truly awkward. They had yet to figure out how to interact with one another, which was to be expected, so Natalia offered a suggestion to break the ice. “Want to play twenty questions?”

Luke perked up, the full toothed grin returning, and nodded as he leaned on his elbows and met her gaze across the table. “That sounds like the perfect idea. You want to start?”

Natalia nodded and scrutinized Luke as she thought up her first question.  She knew that he was from Australia and that he was in a band she probably hadn’t heard of. She knew that he had a dog and that he liked pop punk. “Do you have any siblings?”

“Two brothers, Ben and Jack. You’re in school, what are you studying?” Luke had an adorable habit of tilting his head to show his engagement in the conversation and Natalia bit back a dreamy sigh as she watched him tap his glass to the beat of the song - the patio had a stream of top 40 hits playing and she didn’t recognize any of them but, judging by the way his eyes lit up when this one came on, he did.

“Health communication. Basically, my line of research is that everyone defines health differently and you can’t expect all people to react the same way to the same messages. There is no universal definition of health.” Again, Luke looked surprised and impressed. He nodded, thankful that she’d given a bit of clarification on what she meant by health communication, and waited for her to ask her question. “What’s the best thing about being in a band?”

Luke lit up at her question, his smile growing into the tongue-pressed-to-teeth grin she was growing to adore. “Is it a cop out if I say everything?” When she nodded, Luke made a show of groaning and pouted for a moment before laughing and shaking his head. “This is going to sound really cheesy but being able to spend my time with my best friends. I love the guys, they’re my brothers at this point, and getting to work with them is all I ever could’ve asked for.”

Natalia felt her heart melt at Luke’s answer. She cooed and when Luke’s cheeks went pink, she reassured him, “That’s the sweetest answer you could’ve given. That’s really awesome. I barely know you but I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks.” Luke laughed, cheeks still flushed and eyes crinkling as he watched Natalia take another sip of her drink. “What are your friends like?” He was curious, as they were on the subject, and he wanted to know if the people Natalia surrounded herself with were as interesting as she was.

“Strange. I have my cohort, the two girls I started my master’s program with, and then I have a few friends from home but it’s a pretty small group of very different people and I don’t know where I would be without them.” It was Luke’s turn to coo, his smile soft and his cheeks still pink from a combination of the heat, the alcohol, and his affection, and Natalia dipped her head to get away from his gaze. “In your band, what’s your job? Guitarist, vocalist…?”

“Both of those, actually. I play guitar and sing. Ash, the guy that was with me in the coffee shop, is our drummer.”

“You know, I could’ve guessed that. You’ve got the lead singer look,” Natalia teased. She grinned at Luke’s raised eyebrows and shrugged. “I think it’s the hair, rockstar. But it looks good on you.”

Luke rolled his eyes, a playful gesture accompanied by laughter, and stuck his chin out indignantly. “Looks can be deceiving,” he reminded her, a playful glare on his face as he added, “You keep surprising me at every turn.” When she titled her head, curious as to what he meant, Luke smiled and gestured to Natalia’s empty glass. “That’s a good thing, I promise. And this isn’t my question,” he clarified, a playfully pointed look accompanying his statement, "but would you like another drink?”

“I’d love one. Using that time to think up another question?” Her accusation was playful, her grin gave her away, but Luke played along but giving her a pout.

“How can you think so little of me? I’m not,” Luke denied, his grin bright as he stood to grab another round of drinks. “But I’ll give you that time to think about your answer. Thoughts on social media? I’ll be back.”

Natalia watched Luke disappear through the side door, a bright grin on her lips. Luke was cute, sweet, and fun. The conversation was flowing better than she imagined it would.  She was glad that the hope she’d gleaned from her text conversations with him wasn’t misplaced and found herself itching to continue the conversation as she listened to a song she vaguely recognized as one of Dua Lipa’s filter through the patio area.

True to his word, Luke returned in a matter of minutes with fresh drinks in hand and an expectant look on his face. “So, thoughts?”

“I think it’s a useful tool in some cases and utterly useless and damaging in others. It’s helpful in emergencies, getting the word out quickly, but it’s creating a weird culture and I don’t like it. I don’t have any social media profiles aside from Facebook - my mom likes to video chat and doesn’t have an iPhone so, no FaceTime, I just use it for Messenger - and LinkedIn.” Natalia was used to the looks she got from others when she divulged her lack of social media and Luke was no different. He looked shocked but almost impressed.

“That’s really awesome. I don’t use mine much but I think it’d feel weird if I didn’t have them.”

“I mean, you’re a musician. It probably helps get the word out there, build a fanbase, all the marketing stuff. I’m an academic. The only thing I could post on Instagram is a bad selfie taken under florescent library lighting,” Natalia joked as she reached for her drink.

“No faking your life for the ‘Gram?” Luke asked, genuinely curious and interested in hearing her take on social media. It wasn’t often that he ran into people like her, not in his life, so he felt compelled to hear more.

“No, it doesn’t seem worth it. It seems like too much work and, honestly, I don’t want the attention. You have these kids that are, like, twelve blowing up online and that just seems so stressful. I don’t want the world watching my every move. I’m fine in the shadows.”

An odd look crossed Luke’s face at Natalia’s reluctance to be seen and she almost asked him about it. She didn’t understand what the issue was with her not wanting notoriety or her face to be plastered all over Instagram but the look was gone so quickly that she felt like she must have imagined it. So, instead of dwelling, she turned to her next question. “If you were stuck on an island, what three things would you bring with you?”

The conversation continued well past twenty questions. Luke was genuinely interested in her research, asking questions about her reasons for choosing such an emotionally taxing topic and what she planned to do with her research when she finished, and it was nice to just explain rather than defend her choices. She was interested in his music, curious about the songwriting process and the way he dealt with writer’s block from a creative standpoint, and it was nice to talk to someone who had no idea what his life was really like.

They found themselves talking until one of the staff members stuck their head out the door and informed them that it was last call. They’d each only had two drinks, the last was sipped over a matter of hours as they’d been talking too much to really pay attention to anything other than one another, and Natalia was slightly disappointed that it was time to say goodnight as they headed in to close out the tab.

Luke, like Natalia, dragged his feet as they left the bar and lingered near the front steps. He looked just as crestfallen as she did, not ready for their night to be over but not wanting to give her the wrong impression by asking her to come home with him. They liked one another, really and truly, and neither wanted to rush into things. It felt nice, just getting to know one another without the pressure of their lives closing in on them, and they wanted to keep it that way for as long as they could.

“I know this might be too soon,” Luke began, shifting his weight from foot to foot as he met Natalia’s gaze with a shy smile, “but would you want to go out again tomorrow? Maybe for dinner? I have rehearsal tomorrow afternoon but we could do something after that.”

Natalia grinned, a giddy smile that was contagious as Luke matched her grin with one of his own, and nodded. “Definitely. I need to spend the day writing but I’m totally free tomorrow night,” she agreed readily, not caring if she looked eager as Luke looked just as giddy as she did.

“Good, awesome. I, uh, I’ll let you know what time we’re supposed to finish tomorrow.” Luke paused, his grin softening as he realized that Natalia looked gorgeous even in the harsh glow of unflattering streetlights, before he added, “I had a really good time tonight. I’m still sorry for spilling coffee on you but I don’t regret it. Not if it gets me a date like this.”

“I really liked that dress,” Natalia teased, her cheeks flaring pink beneath the foundation she wore as she tried not to coo at Luke’s compliment, “but I’m kind of glad you spilled coffee on me. I think this date more than made up for it.”

Luke and Natalia stared at one another, grinning like lovesick fools and happy that the date had gone better than either of them hoped, before Luke stepped a little closer and asked, “Do you mind if I… can I…?”

Natalia didn’t have a rule against kissing on the first date, she didn’t have any first date rules as she decided she would just see where life took her, but if she did, she would’ve broken it for Luke. As his hand brushed her cheek, she melted into his embrace and breathed a quiet sigh as she nodded just enough for him to feel.

Luke placed a barely there peck to her lips, a soft kiss that felt more like something being taken from her than given, and she wanted to reach out and pull him back into her as he straightened up and smiled. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Natalia.”

“See you tomorrow.”

They both lingered for a second, staring at one another, before Natalia gave him a final shy smile and turned to head to her car. Her head was so far in the clouds that she didn’t notice the small dip in the ground and felt her knees hit pavement before she realized what had happened.

She wasn’t sure if she was glad that Luke was there or embarrassed he’d seen her fall as he rushed over and kneeled beside her. The contents of her bag had spilled across the parking lot and she dropped her head in embarrassment as she groaned. “Fun fact about me, I’m great at destroying the mood.”

“I tripped and dumped coffee on you during our first meeting, a little clumsiness isn’t going to destroy anything. Here, let me help you,” he assured her as he began reaching for the little things that had fallen out of her bag. Chapstick, hand sanitizer, gum, a pencil bag; all things she didn’t mind Luke seeing. However, when he grabbed the few condoms Ali left her with, Natalia groaned again.

“I wasn’t… I didn’t intend for anything to happen. My friend Ali just… threw them at me,” she explained as she shoved the items back into her bag and took Luke’s hand for him to help her back onto her feet. “Not that there’s anything wrong with sex on a first date, do whatever you want, I just… Don’t want?”

Luke bit back a laugh at Natalia’s defeated expression and shook his head. “It’s okay, you don’t have to explain. Better to be safe than sorry. And, I get it. Tonight was nice. I enjoyed it as it was. And I’m still really looking forward to seeing you again tomorrow night.”

“I’m glad. And I am looking forward to seeing you again, too. Hopefully neither of us will trip and we’ll be leaving injury and coffee stain free,” she joked as she brushed some stray gravel from her knees. “I’ll see you then. Have fun at rehearsal.”

“I would say have fun writing but, I’m not gonna lie, I don’t know if that’s appropriate to wish you?”

“Probably not, no one enjoys writing for academia, but I appreciate the thought. Bye, Luke.”

Luke waved Natalia off and waited until she’d gotten safely into her car before heading for his own. She still felt a little embarrassed - she knew that her cheeks were neon red beneath her foundation - but his handling of the situation made her feel that much better about him. He was a good guy, solid and sweet, and Natalia couldn’t wait to see him again.

___________________________________________________________

Tag List (like this post or message me if you want to be added!): @toolazymyguy , @irwinkitten , @jamieebabiee , @glittersluke , @spicycal , @lusbaby , @everyscarisahealingplace, @brokenvirtualheartcollector , @if-it-rains-it-pours, @blisshemmings , @calumscalm , @lovemenowseemenever , @ijustreallylovezebras , @rhiannonmichelle, @p0laroidpictures , @tomscuddles , @loverofmineluke , @harrytreatspeoplewithkindnesss , @blueviiolence , @loveroflrh , @empathycth , @luckyduckydoo , @tobefalling , @bandsandbooksaremykink , @watch-how-she-burns , @megz1985 , @wokeupinaustralia , @lucidlrh , @canterburyfiction , @cal-is-not-on-branding , @t-i-n-y-d-i-n-o , @jaacknaano , @findingliam-o , @old-zeppelin-shirt , @idk-who-i-am-anymore1 , @sammyrenae68 , @flowerthug , @calumsphile , @caitdaniels, @drummerboy794 , @writingfortoomanyfandoms , @x-lover-of-mine-x , @miliefayy , @sunaaii , @canterburyfiction , @sebrox40 , @nati-nn , @opheliaaurora23 , @bitterbethany , @sunnysidesblog​ , @333-xx​

[creepie-cookie]

Logince Writer AU

Awhile back, I stumbled across some lovely fanart of a Logince Writer’s AU by @astronomy-is-cute​, and it prompted me to write out a completely self-indulgent bullet-fic-but-not-really of how the pair came to meet. Enjoy? 

Both are seniors at the same college but haven’t had any classes together before, which honestly isn’t that surprising given their different majors

Logan is majoring in neuroscience since it combines two of his favorite subjects – psychology and chemistry. He’s enrolled in a special program where he’ll be able to obtain both his bachelor’s and master’s degree in five years, and this is his final year.

Roman is an English major with a special focus on creative writing. He started out as a theatre major, but halfway through his sophomore year a creative writing elective convinced him to switch majors. He adores acting, but writing offered him a creative outlet he hadn’t been able to resist.

Like all great AUs, they eventually meet in a coffeeshop, called the Jittery Beanery.

Although he is loath to admit it, Logan is NOT a morning person and is barely functional until he’s downed at least half his daily dose of double espresso, so the coffeeshop is his first stop every day (and he schedules all his classes for 10 and later).

While he drinks his coffee, he sets up his workstation in the back corner of the café because the muted bustle of the morning crowd helps him focus. Most of the time he pulls out his laptop and spiral-bound to work on his senior thesis (there’s so much to do!), but other times he just brings some books and his trusty spiral-bound notebook for notes.

Roman has always been a morning person so he doesn’t need the extra boost. However, being the little extrovert he is, he thrives on the early-morning interaction with the baristas and whoever else he manages to charm. Plus, the Jittery Beanery’s caramel lattes are to die for

not to mention that cutie who always sits in the back but that’s not important…

Anyways, after he gets his latte (decaf!), Roman usually sticks around to “work” – he doesn’t usually get any writing done, but seeing all the different people that come to the shop works wonders for his creativity. He always carries a spiralbound notebook with him to jot down any ideas he has (and it definitely doesn’t have a few pages about that cutie in the back but again, that’s not important)

One day, Roman finally decides to try to get to know that quiet little figure because he can’t stop thinking about him because he’s never seen him talk to anyone else and who knows, he might just need a prince to sweep him off his feet!

But you see, his grand plan to woo the other student doesn’t quite go as, well, planned as our poor boy Roman had not known to take into account just how much Logan disdained human interaction first thing in the morning

After about three failed pickup lines and seven dazzling smiles went completely ignored (how tragic!), Roman eventually gave up and retreated to his usual seat near the entrance to recover from the harsh blows of the other man’s stoic silence

The only problem (aside from not getting the cute boy’s number)? In his retreat, he had grabbed the wrong notebook

Neither of them realize the mistake until later that day.

Logan uncovered the mistake shortly after Roman left the café. He picked up the notebook intending to reference a quote he’d written the day before, but instead found an incredibly detailed character sketch. Logan would be falsifying his speech if he said he wasn’t at least mildly impressed by the degree of meticulousness and sheer care the owner of the notebook had shown in their outline of the character’s personality traits and backstory. Although fictional pursuits had never particularly inspired him, he found himself in awe at the dedication illustrated in those pages.

He didn’t spend the rest of his morning immersing himself in Roman’s fictional world… most definitely not. That would have been an illogical use of his time given the amount of his own work he needed to do. No, he definitely focused entirely on his own tasks that morning.

Meanwhile, Roman has been pretty busy with his classes, so he doesn’t have a chance to crack open Logan’s notebook until lunchtime. Once he does? Let’s just say that Roman has never found chemical equations so sexy

Luckily, Logan is a Responsible Student, and he wrote his name and number on the inside cover and Roman definitely didn’t let out a small squeak because holy frick he has his number now

Roman calls Logan soon after finding his number because he can tell this notebook contains a lot of important information the nerd was surely missing dearly by then and not because he wanted an excuse to meet up with him that evening instead of in the coffeeshop the next morning.

Logan answers on the third ring (because of course he has does) with a professional, “Hello, this is Logan speaking” and Roman responds with gusto: “Hello my dear fellow notebook-keeper! I believe I may have accidentally acquired something of yours!”

They agree to meet at a local café that night (surprisingly, Logan proposed the idea – after all, it was only logical that he should get his notebook back before the next morning. It had nothing to do with wanting an excuse to talk to the man who behind such an intricate fantasy world. That particular detail was completely irrelevant to his motivations.)

After this first meet-up (and mutual gay panicking at said meet-up), the two quickly grow close. They each admired the passion the other had for their respective subjects, and they bonded over their mutual love of writing.

They decided to move in together for the next semester, and although they shared certain bad habits (such as staying up way too late to finish “just one more page”), together they helped keep each other a little more accountable when it came to taking care of themselves.

Over time, Logan helped Roman find a new appreciation for the beauty of the natural world, and Roman helped Logan explore new areas, even convincing him to try his hand at writing science fiction.

When Logan finally completed his thesis paper for his Master’s program, Roman gifted him a 100,000 word Sherlock Holmes fanfiction featuring his favorite nerd as Holmes’s partner.

When Roman’s first novel hit the press a couple years later, Logan handed him an envelope with a pair of Broadway tickets to his favorite musical. After the musical, he gave him the rest of his gift in the form of a ring ;)

[honeyrose-tea]

this has been a strange start to the new year for sure. how are you doing? what did you think of the situation in the capitol? any thoughts or worries about the rest of the month? I'm curious to hear your thoughts on everything. -🌙

thank you so much for the ask💞 almost every day I check my inbox anticipating the next time I'll hear from you. just knowing that someone cares.... it really does a lot for my self-esteem. I don't have many friends right now and the few I do are very busy and have a lot of things they would rather do than talk to me. thank you for making time to listen to me and ask me how I'm doing. you wouldn't believe how many people don't. I haven't always been the most consistent presence for you and I'm sorry. I'm trying to do better and be less selfish because I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of that. thank you for always being kind to me, pen pal.

there is a lot I want to say regarding the capitol and the situation in the country in general. as a social science student (and hopefully one day a professor!) these situations are of great academic interest to me. as a bisexual woman and an informed US citizen who cares about my rights I am also very personally vested in American issues. but first I would like to tackle your question regarding how I'm doing:)

I'm doing pretty good. classes have started back up but most of mine are online. I'm thinking of switching to online exclusively because of how much emotional (and sometimes physical) labor in-person classes are, and also for the sake of my health and my parents'. it's funny how so many things we did with ease before the pandemic seem so burdensome now. even small interactions are anxiety-inducing now, and I find myself having a hard time socializing even casually. like a muscle that has atrophied without use, my social skills are awful now. on a happier note, my productivity and creativity are both at all-time highs since social interactions aren't using up all my energy anymore. I brought my record player to my dorm room and I've been listening to a bunch of music, I've also been writing and recording some music of my own. I have a couple of demos and if you or anyone else is interested, I'll post them on here. once I record and edit full band versions I'll put them up on my soundcloud. I've tried sharing some of my stuff with some friends but none of them really care and I don't want to annoy them. besides, it's more for myself anyway. I wang to prove to myself that I can make music and that I can say something worth saying. a lot of my struggle over the past 6 months has been that I feel as though nothing I do or say can change anything, that none of my actions matter. I struggle a lot with control and I've been working on it for years, but it's still really hard for me. anyway. I'm enjoying class and what I do outside of it. I've been in my element living alone again (in my dorm) and feeling free to wear/do/say what I want, when I want. I wash my dishes and sing to myself and manage my time and drink lots of artificially sweetened and heavily flavored coffee without anyone around to judge me. and I get to cry and masturbate when I want, both of which are helpful in regulating my moods. I don't know. it's not like I'm doing anything exciting, but I am doing each thing I do well and with a happy heart. I feel like this portion of my life is something of a hibernation- the winter seasons combined with the pandemic have me in a cozy little daydream, reading and self-reflecting and getting back in tune with myself and my passions. I have a feeling that the spring and summer will be very vibrant bustling months so I am trying to enjoy my rest and soak in as much knowledge about myself and the world around me as I can. it's hard for me to live in the present and not get antsy (connected to control issues, I think) but I'm getting better at it. on the subject of the future, I've also been using this time to look into grad school and prepare for the GRE (a standardized test required for most grad school applications, similar to the ACT/SAT). I'm learning a lot that I didn't know since neither of my parents went further than undergrad, and I'm getting excited. I'm really looking forward to doing research. I've already been collecting some thesis ideas for an undergraduate-level thesis that I have to complete next year for the honors college, and hopefully I can turn that into a masters and/or PHD thesis when the time comes. now, on to more important matters than my silly little life.

I have very complicated feelings about america. I do have some attachment to some of the original ideas that are at the foundation- "bring me your huddled masses...", "all men are created equal", the general spirit of democracy, etc.- all of these are valid and worth keeping (in some form) to me. I think a lot of good people and ideas exist around us and I believe that we must be as empathetic and kind as possible to one another in order to navigate the current climate and preserve the good that we do have. that said, america was also founded on some pretty terrible, bigoted principles and our history- as well as our present- is marred by injustices. our society has become highly individualistic because of capitalism, and it has resulted in considerable division on every level. the competition that fuels capitalism is like an invasive species of plant, it does not only exist within our economy but it slithers out into our social world and the way we relate to others. I think capitalism coupled with our post-enlightenment founding is the source of most all of our problems as a country. capitalism has taken root in america in a way more malicious and all-consuming than in any other culture, because it was there at the beginning of our country and all of our social norms have grown out of it. many other cultures have existed long before capitalism and though it has modified their culture, it has not altogether become it. because america was founded on capitalism, we have no cultural identity outside of it. america is, itself, capitalism. that is precisely why america is experiencing all of the best and worst parts of capitalism at their most extreme. it is why, as I mentioned previously, we are perhaps the most divisive and competitive society in the modern world, and probably in history. we are the richest and most powerful country but we have the largest wealth gap and incarceration rate, among many other extremes.

all of this is to say that the rise of Trump and fascism in this country has been a long time coming, and unmistakably inevitable. to defeat it we will have to break america down to its fundamentals, throw out everything that is unethical and unjust, and rebuild our entire society from there. this is radical and hard to imagine, it will also be very difficult to execute, but I strongly believe that much of our societal systems just cannot be reformed, they must be thrown out and replaced.

the capitol riots were inexcusable and sickening but decidedly inevitable. this has been steadily building for america's entire existence. I think it will get worse before it gets better, as there are already plans for bigger and more numerous protests across the country in the following weeks. that said, I feel hopeful as I see the anti-fascist movement grow in the wake of fascism, I am hopeful as I see many people being radicalized and awakened to the realities of this country's failings. I don't know how exactly we will even begin to rid ourselves of the biases, prejudices, and downright hatred that plagues our country. I don't know how we will relate on an individual level to those with such deeply-ingrained hate in their hearts. I don't know how we will change our systems of government and economy to reflect new cultural values that we begin to build together. I am not sure what the future will hold. I do believe, however, that we will triumph over this moment and that the future will be better. I think that the only way to radically change and unite so many vastly different people and remove the blinders from their eyes is through a terrible, historic awakening like the one we are having now. the situation itself is awful, but I am hopeful that out of this mess we become a nation more committed to justice and to some of the ideals which we have falsely claimed to be emulating for our entire history.

so yes, I am worried about the next few weeks, months, and even years. there is no end to the pursuit of a just society, and I think every informed citizen is always a bit apprehensive about certain aspects of their culture. there will always be problems to combat and injustices to rectify, but I think that we will soon be moving to a better place, that we will remember these moments and say, "never again". I am hopeful, despite seeing some of the worst of humanity in recent days, that these atrocities will bring positive change.

I know that was long and instead of discussing issues about the capitol, or even just current political issues, I expanded the scope considerably and dragged in a lot of things from history and grander sociopolitical theories. still, I think it is hard to talk about the insurrection attempt without talking about a lot more. thank you for reading my takes and caring about them. I spend a lot of time thinking about these things, and it feels nice to share them with someone other than my annoyed professors who want me to shut up so they can finish the lecture and stick to their semester schedule.

I hope you're well and that you're staying safe and healthy. are you in school now too? have you or your family had the virus? thank you for coming to talk to me, I always enjoy it. I'll talk to you again soon💞

[kabane52]

Light at the End of Doubt’s Tunnel

Note: This was written a year or two ago. For those who would like to hear the full story of how I processed and finally was freed from intellectual doubt, together with the major things that caused me trouble and how I realized that there were good solutions to them- as well as amazingly powerful reasons to believe in Christianity, here's part 1 of a 5 part series.

I struggled with doubt for years. It was extremely painful. I'll turn 26 in a couple of days. My doubt began when I was 13, embraced evolution (that actually didn't start my period of doubting, I was theistic evolutionist for a long time, until 2014) and found the atheist community online. It was devastating. I had never thought about why I believed what I believed. I encountered a huge variety of arguments, and I was clueless about how to respond to any of them. I was overwhelmed, I was miserable, I felt myself pushed towards the inevitably conclusion that atheism was true. They have taken my Lord away from me, and I do not know where they have laid Him. I cried out to God, I wept, I begged. And nothing. Radio silence. It was the most emotionally intense period in my life, and I couldn't talk to anyone. I didn't want to say I was doubting. I knew it would crush my mom. I was alone.

I remembered one day that there was a book on the shelf- Lee Strobel's The Case for Christ. I devoured it in a day. It didn't answer all of my questions or put an end to my crisis of faith. What it did do is give me a lifeline, something to cling to, something to hold on as I kept searching and praying for answers.

I'm not going to tell you the whole story. What I will tell you is that over the next seven years, every single doubt I had was answered in a way that completely satisfied me intellectually. I cannot deal with cognitive dissonance. I have to look up critical reviews of any book whose thesis I want to believe. I don't say that to brag or to say anything about myself except that for me, I needed intellectual satisfaction. My name is Thomas, so I guess like Thomas, even though it would have been better for me to fully trust Him from day one, He offered the scars of the nails in His hands to me. Over the years I would continue to encounter newer and more sophisticated challenges to Christianity and Biblical faith. I went through another major crisis of faith in 2013, this time really struggling with issues of higher criticism and the Old Testament. On Easter of that year that crisis ended. I continued to struggle with doubt on and off until April 2014. From April-October of that year, my entire worldview was radically reconfigured. I realized that the Bible was more true than I had ever dared to believe. I realized that there were excellent answers to each criticism that had plagued me. I realized that the academy really wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

That last one was important. I had to internalize the fact that sometimes almost everybody in a particular discipline believes things that are simply foolish. My dad has a Ph.D. I'm in my final semesters of a Masters program and intend, God-willing (please pray for this) to get a Ph.D. So I respect the importance of study and reflection. I am not anti-intellectual. But the academy in its secular incarnation is foolish. We say sometimes that a biblical fool does not mean an idiot. Quite frankly. that is basically what it means, only moreso. And I have realized that many people who have IQs believe idiotic things and make idiotic arguments. I realized that when you acknowledge that you don't have to reverently assume that a critique that seems obvious to you is simply "too obvious" and that you must be missing something. You likely aren't. Remember- the most serious problem in academic literature is not the data. It's logic. The fact that atheists are bad philosophers isn't something that just has implications for their writing on philosophy. It means that they are untrained thinkers, unused to rigorously testing each conclusion for its logical validity in relation to the premises, and are used to relying on hunches without knowing it. This kind of thing is present throughout everything Dawkins and Krauss write and say. You think it doesn't affect their scientific work? You bet it does. Difference is that there aren't logicians and philosophers there to call them on it.

Anyway. I wanted to write that in case any of you were struggling with crises of faith. I know how deeply, deeply painful and intense it can be. In many ways there is simply nothing like that. In that light, this is one of my favorite texts:

(2 Corinthians 1:3-7) Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

If you are struggling, please feel free to message me. I am very willing to help you work through your issues with anything I can offer.