#crack asks

[reticent-writer]

So this is an ask...that doesn't have a reader but I wanted to ask this for comedic reasons. In the last episode the casts reaction to when Lucifer said he's gonna fuck him (Adam) instead of attacking Adam took his words seriously and has the exorcists retreat because he's scared Lucifers gonna come after his booty

I'm sorry this took long (I finally have some free time) to reply but this is hilarious 😭

Like just imagine if he stopped all future exterminations because Lucifer made Adam uncomfortable

Adam just up in heaven finding ways to entertain himself but he's scared from the thought that Lucifer first came for his wife's and now he's coming for him💀

[redfoxwritesstuff]

OKokoko! if you have to marry a chicken or a rodent (completely platonic) which would you choose?

Chicken, specifically a hen. If they can't pay bills, at least she can poop breakfast!

[angst-is-love-angst-is-life]

What is your full name, the last 4 digits of your SSN, and your bank account number?

Angst whump angst

666

2

[jerzwriter]

If a patient got their penis stuck in an elevator. How would Dr. Ramsey suggest he get it out?

OK...Nonny? I literally HOWLED for like 15 min after reading this. Seriously... tears in my eyes kind of laughing! 😂😂😂 I mean... you made my night.

Wow... I really want to know where this question came from... what's the back story... what inspired this, Nonny? Please tell! 😂

As to what Dr. Ramsey would advise (OMG, I'm cracking up again...) I think he'd need more details. I mean, when you say "stuck in an elevator," my mind is going to the elevator doors (and ouch), but that's not necessarily the case. Was there some sort of hole or putty-like substance in the elevator that this person decided to shove their penis into? I mean, I want to know.

This would definitely have poor Ethan pinching the bridge of his nose... and I don't even want to think of Dr. Carrick's reaction. But how and where the penis is stuck would determine his advice. We may also want Dr. Lahela on standby in case a reattachment is needed. 😬😬

I'm like dying... Thanks, Nonny.

[darkkbluee]

Sperm cat

I'm a software dev, not a veterinarian. Wrong tumblr. Please check your contact details and try again later.

[lurukifennecfox]

Danny was utterly unamused with current situation.

current situation being he was stuck as phantom babysitting his own corpse. because apparently if you summon a Halfa just the wrong way they get split into a full ghost and a zombie which currently was trying to climb a fire escape for some ancients forsaken reason!! why'd they even summon some protector spirit from Illenois? why is it doing a backflip? How does it know how???

what's worse is he's currently in Gotham because Jazz wanted to go to Gotham U and his parents decided it was a good idea to do a family vacation together in the America's most crime ridden city. and he hasn't got a chance to tell them yet about the whole halfa thing and he's not telling them now while HOLY SHIT HOW HE GOT IMPALED he looked away for ONE MOMENT!!

Danny just lost track of his corpse... in gotham

why's his zombie so restless again?

the bats are now looking at a ghost who is chasing a talon around gotham. which is concerning.

danny meanwhile:

Phantom: Daniel James Fenton YOU WILL NOT COMMIT MURDER LIKE THAT

Talon Danny's corpse: 🦉

[fanaticalthings]

Bruce coming home one day to find Robin Jason clinging onto a chandelier with Dick below him cheering him on.

Bruce: Jason what are you doing?

Jason: Dick said that you missed his antics after he moved out and so he’s teaching me how to be a better son

Dick: After this we’re going to drive the Batmobile into the bay :D

Jason: We’re going to what? I mean yeah! Right into the water.

Jason trying to whisper to Dick: Dick I can’t swim though

This just further fuels the chaotic dynamic of Dick and Jason during a time where Dick was still going through his teenage angst and was absolutely not a benevolent role model LMAO

I mentioned it in this post, but it's just so funny to me to imagine a Jason who grew up with an absolutely WILD Dick Grayson as an older brother, while the younger batkids grew up with a more mellowed out and mature (arguable but when measured against the other kids, he wins by a landslide) Dick Grayson.

Robin!Jason era:

Dick: You wanna go out and get high?

Jason: I can't, I have homework.

Dick, sputtering: HOMEWORK?

----

Dick, about to do an elaborate (and totally not dangerous) acrobatic move in the manor: Watch this, littlewing

Jason: You shouldn't do that, it'll make Bruce upset.

Dick, on the brink of angry tears: Why are you like this.

----

Jason, dejected: Listen, I know you don't approve of me because you think I'm not good enough as Robin, but-

Dick: Not good enough as Robin? I don't care about that, I just think you're a little bitch

----

Dick taking Jason out on a hangout for the first time: OK, looks like I got my work cut out for me. Take out a notepad and write everything down. I will NOT have my successor embarrass me like this. So what you wanna do to piss off Bruce-

---

[Years later, Jason returning to Gotham with the fury of a thousand suns and the chaos to match it]: I'm gonna make your life a living HELL, Bruce

Dick, older and relatively more chilled out: Okayyyyy, maybe let's just– calm down a lil, haha, no need for the theatrics

Jason, betrayed, observing a Dick Grayson who is teaching his new younger siblings to behave and be mature: Dick, what the FUCK

-----

Present!Dick, mentoring Tim: Make sure not to be too impulsive, don't wanna raise Bruce's blood pressure

Red Hood!Jason spying on them from afar: Who even ARE you??

-----

Jason: So you teach me ALL of that, only to turn into the ONE thing you despised so greatly all those years ago

Dick, sweating: Well-

Jason: I'm ASHAMED. How can you be worthy of being called my PREDECESSOR?

[sketchytea]

she is so tired.

[carlyraejepsans]

sans undertale would not make i fucked your wife jokes. people want to make jokes about sans fucking asgore's wife but sans the character would NOT do that r you kidding me. you can cut the secondhand embarrassment with a knife every time they're in the same room together, sans likes the guy, i bet he feels genuinely kinda bad for asgore. he'd be like sorry about the dating your ex wife thing. to be fair she's a really cool ex wife. and asgore would be like (rescue shelter dog sigh) She is.

[choccy-milky]

sometimes you gotta lure your overly-studious ravenclaw gf into spending time with you 🥰 📚 ( from 'Every Teardrop is a Waterfall' by Kat_12739 on ao3, GO READ IT!!! the first story is about seb falling sick and still pushing himself/not admitting he's sick until he ends up in the hospital, the second story is about the birth of seb and clora's daughter and seb's reaction to clora almost dying in childbirth, and the third is about dealing with a fussy newborn lewis😭🥹THEY'RE SO GOOD AND SWEET AND SOMEWHAT SAD (not to mention beautifully written) so go check it out!!💖💖 )

[artsymeeshee]

I just realized Stan has a crack in his glasses in your newest Instinct page

Now he and Ford match <3

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

anyone else have multiple traumatic memories associated specifically with holidays/family vacations? because that is a topic I never see discussed in all the So You Had A Shitty Childhood, Now What? self-help books i've been reading. but for me, it was a significant thing. and the more i think about it the more it seems like this would be an (unfortunately) common experience. would be grateful to hear if this matches other peoples' experiences...

[redfoxwritesstuff]

I tired of the old "would you still love me if I was worm" so...

Would you still love me if I was a KGB officer? 🥺

*gasp* that is a hard one- are you a willing officer? Do they have your children hostage?! Are you just a admin lacky?

I.... I'm sorry- 🥺 I need more information...

but this... this may be the end for us!

[strawlessandbraless]

Possessive Castiel with a marking kink makes me feral

[darkkbluee]

I have your nipples and I need twenty dollars or else I’m eating them

There are so many things wrong with that statement. However, I'm curious: is that USD or CSD or AUD???

[reality-detective]

Cracking The Code 😂