#compared to what other people write
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once i was in a creative writing class in college, and in a bit of humor i wrote the line:
"Um," I said, eloquently.
And my teacher was so adamant that I had to remove it because "um is not an eloquent word, so it makes no sense" and i was like my brother in christ it's called Irony
#she was so so adamant about it like.#ma'am.#specifically i did it that way because i wanted to express the fact that the character felt particularly foolish#like their brain being all like 'oh nice job what an eloquent way of putting it dumbass'#but without writing all that out ya know.#but no it was 'wrong' and it had to be removed :/#creative writing courses have never done a damn thing for me tbh#i know there has got to be a better way to teach it so that it doesn't quash someone's creativity#but i have yet to find one that does so#people are so weird about writing as an art compared to other visual arts :/#lulu talks
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retired ghoap going on a renovation competition show
ghost takes over the budget and he's ruthless with it; tracking every paint swatch and piece of lumber down to the last cent, haggling for every purchase and making the most of their coupons. soap's in charge of design; he can visualise floor plans better than anyone, seeing the completed spaces in his mind when they’re little more than a steel shell
they run their site like a military base, treating their builders like rookies; expecting them to follow orders but also waiting for them to inevitably mess up so they can fix it
they're an immediate shock to the judges; they fully expected them to have no idea what they're doing, to have no understanding of style or trends, but they didn't sign up just for shits and giggles
they know how to hit a brief and can do physical labour faster than the actual builders. with soap's discerning eye and ghost's practically, they design gorgeous rooms and become a real threat for the prize money. they handle the stress and sleepless nights like it's second nature bc really, it is; a few all nighters painting are nothing compared to being shot at
they also take great joy in messing with the other couples
it takes a while for them to figure out they're even married; they argue like it's going out of fashion, never holding their opinions or frustrations back but it's their love language as much as their banter. you can hear them barking at each other from across the site; callsigns and “It” and “sergeant” thrown around just like in the field
the challenges are where they have the most fun
the day to day? that's work; they're strict, both with themselves and the schedule, never letting anything fall behind or go incompleted. but the challenges? that's play time. they love pushing the brief, toeing the line of the rules purely bc they can
they get to a two part art challenge and ghost's scheming before before the host even opens their mouth. part one? one half of the couple has to design some kind of art piece that will feature in their house. part two? the other person has to gather supplies and tools and make the art
there's a time limit for how long they can take to gather the supplies; once it's up, they can't go back for more and they can only use what they can carry themselves to their station. they're in a warehouse filled with scrap and paint and tools, the choices almost overwhelming
ghost politely interrupts the host to ask for a clarification; absolutely anything in the warehouse can be used so long as they can carry it?
the host confirms; anything under the roof is their's to use
ghost thanks them and steps back in line, standing at attention and waiting for round one to start
ghost volunteers to be the one to do the art, shocking everyone since soap is well known as the artist of the two of them. but soap sees the mischief in his eyes; he knows he's up to something and can't wait to see where it goes
the timer starts and ghost immediately shucks his hoodie and gets to grabbing; stuffing the impromptu bag with everything he recognises from soap's own supplies. there's seconds to go when he bolts for soap, throwing him over his shoulder in a fireman's carry
the other couples are pissed and call it cheating, trying to get them disqualified
ghost just shrugs, soap still over his shoulder, "they said we can use anything we can carry. i followed the brief"
soap just laughs like a mad man
they win the challenge by a landslide
everything's going smoothly, they've won enough room reveals that they’re in a good financial position, they’re ahead in their current room and in a great headspace
then soap gets injured
it's an honest mistake, a part of the roof they thought was stable collapsing and hitting soap
and ghost, always calm and in control, panics
he's on the other side of the site when he hears soap cry out and goes running; shoving past cameramen and builders, screaming to know what happened before he even sees him. he finds soap on the ground, blood dripping from his temple and it's too familiar; a thing he sees in his nightmares
he doesn't know what to do with all his fear so instead, he channels it into anger
he goes off on all his builders, demanding to know how they could be so useless and careless as to miss the unstable roof; screaming at them in a way he hasn't done since he was on active duty, tearing down a rookie for poor trigger management
all the while, his gentle hands tend to soap; checking the wound, if he's concussed, soothing him before he can slip into a flashback of his own. he growls at the cameras, doesn't let the onsite medics anywhere near him; he doesn't know them, doesn't trust them with his johnny. it's only soap's gentle convincing that makes him step back, that forces him to stop and breathe; glaring the medics down from soap's side as they check him and come to the same conclusion soap already reached
he'll be iust fine; a few stitches and he'll be right back in it
ghost goes with him to the hospital to get the stitches laid, abandoning the site to their terrified builders to look after. it takes a few days before he can handle them being separated again, can't even handle one of them going shopping while the other site manages
but soap doesn't begrudge him for his clinginess, not when he knows it's rooted in the fear of losing him. he just keeps him close and calls him his good luck charm when they win the room reveal that week
#new season of the block's on you know what that means! putting my blorbos in every other aspect of my life!#it was so hard writing this without using tradie instead of builder lmao#i love putting ghoap in real situations#like these guys arent normal lmao so putting them in something as typical as a reno show is hilarious#can you imagine ghost shopping for tiles? comparing feature tiles and splash backs and tapwear like its life or death#i just know production would hate him a little bc of the mask he still wears but they also know theyll bring in a different demographic#they also think they can spin the drama of these clueless soldiers who have no idea what theyre doing#just for them to be completely blown away by how skilled they actually are#i just know theyd weird people out tho even retired theyre still unsettling#theres just something about them that puts people on edge#that eases when they see how maddeningly in love with each other they are#just them using military vernacular to build a flat pack#soap still referring to ghost as his superior officer#i love them#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#we’re a team. ghost team#ghoap#ghostsoap#soapghost#soap cod#john soap mactavish#ghost cod#simon ghost riley#cod mw2#cod mwii#cod fic#save post
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Shuro thoughts (1201 words)
If i had to assign a term to Shuro that describes his character, it’d probably be ‘a lack of connection with others’, many of shuro’s relationships in dungeon meshi follow a similar pattern, in that they're all very neutral. He feels like he’ll constantly be in his dad’s shadow no matter what he does, leading to him not trying much, along with some resentment towards him. There’s also his relationship with Maizuru,who was one of the more positive figures in his life who he ends up blocking out as he grows older. Even his relationship with Hien is kinda. Nonexistent. They used to be quite close when they were kids, but their friendship eventually deteriorated when they grew older.
It makes sense since the difference in status is more prevalent, but this made me think about how he reflects Laois. Even though they both have similar upbringings, with fathers who are in a leadership role which they would benefit from. Laios is still ostracized from the rest of his village, and pretty early on ends up leaving to become a soldier, where he ends up even more ostracized. It’s only when he leaves the army and goes to the island, that he becomes an adventurer and meets his party, where he finds companions who he’s on mostly friendly terms with. Despite everything he’s able to create his own life outside of his family.
Meanwhile Shuro has presumably lived with his family up until he gets sent off on his adventure. He’s constantly in his fathers shadow, and everyone that he’s surrounded with is in some way related to his father. The retainers are all employed under his father and are more or less lended to him. Even when he leaves for the island, he’s still connected to him by the quest that he’s sent on, and his retainers that follow him. He doesn’t come to the island for himself, it’s for a competition arranged by his dad.
Another way that they’re foils is through their siblings. Laios’s relationship to Falin is incredibly important to the story. They both clearly love each other and left home to find their own path side by side. But Shuro and his siblings have a large distance between them. It’s never stated why, but I don’t think it’s made better by the whole, competition for inheritance thing. I think it’s also interesting how Laios’s adventure brings him closer to Falin. While Shuro’s takes him away from his brothers, furthering the gap between them.
Even in laios’s party, where he’s able to make connections with people not from his home, he still can’t really connect with others. Namari and Chilchuck both drink after work, Falin and Marcille are besties and all get along pretty well. They’re all comfortable enough with each other to speak their mind and jokingly riff on each other, all except for Shuro, whose relationship with them is much more like co workers.
It’s the same in his old party. Hien and Benichidori are able to form a friendship with each other, and Tade forms a friendship with Izutsumi. But Shuro is distant from them all, to the point where him going “you guys did a good job, I’m sorry I dragged you guys down here” is enough to bring Maizuru to tears and confuse the hell out of them all. While Laios’s party criticizes him pretty openly, Shuro’s party instead just goes with what he does.
One similarity between him and Laios that I didn't really notice until now is that they both lack real friends, just for different reasons. Laios can’t find real friends because he can't read social cues or socialize well with other people, but he still tries to reach out to people even if things end up sour. Meanwhile Shuro doesn't have friends because he doesn't try to connect with other people, he's passive and only makes connections if they come to him first, ending in friendships that he’s not even happy with.
I also think it's interesting how he has a special relationship with both Touden siblings, just that one is out of love and one is out of hate 💀 Both of these relationships lead to him breaking out of his passive personality and making his own decisions instead of just moving through the motions. By falling in love with Falin, he makes the decision of finally leaving the party in order to form his own rescue team. Due to his hatred of Laios, he ends up getting into a fist fight and finally showing his true emotions and feelings. Both Touden siblings influence Shuro to make active decisions throughout the story (Proposing to Falin, leaving the party, deciding to turn marcille in, fighting Laios, etc). Even though these are bad decisions, (proposing to someone without any kind of romantic relationship first, fist fighting someone while half your party is dead), they are still him finding a voice. Both Laios and Falin make Shuro break away from what's expected and make his own path, even if it's very brief, and even if those decisions were very stupid.
Even though Shuro’s whole reason for coming to this island is the quest he’s sent on by his father, we don't really get much of that in the main manga, instead more focus is put on his relationship with Laios and Falin, (something something even narratively he finds his own path by having an arc based on his relationships instead of his quest). If he had an arc in the manga, I presume it would be around him finally understanding Laios? And eventually repairing the relationship between them and forming a real relationship (Though honestly i'm not sure about this). But nonetheless i think Shuro’s relationship with Laios does improve, even though he says he hates Laios, he also admits that he's envious of him.
The two of them have personalities that fundamentally clash with each other while reflecting the other. Shuros passiveness and Laios' lack of observation skills basically guarantee their relationship would go south, but they do manage to pick up the pieces, after beating the shit out of each other.
Laios and Shuro have a genuine talk where Shuro admits his envy, and even offers Laios a way to escape to the east, despite not being asked to. And in the final chapters, Shuro ends up hugging Laios with a genuine smile, despite not being comfortable with physical contact. Even though the two had a rough fight, their relationship manages to recover and become somewhat positive.
By the end of the story, even though it's implied that Falin rejected Shuro (good for her), he's still on good terms with the Toudens. He finally makes his own decisions and speaks, and even though things got kinda ugly, he's still able to have a positive relationship with Laios and Falin, not as besties or as a married couple, but just as fellow people. He finally finds his voice and speaks up, end creates connections by the end of it.
If anyone would like to add more to this or has points they wanna bring up please do ^^, these are just my disorganized thoughts that i finally wrote down.
#dungeon meshi#toshiro nakamoto#shuro#shuro does a lot of unlikeable things (atleast compared to other main characters) but i think that hes also got alot of depth#with his whole family and relationship situation#this is a very amatuer analysis and im not really experienced with this kind of writing?#so if this is worded weirdly then sorry ^^'#also it would be cool to see what other people think#and if i accidentally misinterperated his character 😭#WAIT I FORGOT THE READ MORE
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I took upon myself the herculean task of compiling all Dick and Diana interactions.
Batman/Superman: World's Finest #16
Nemesis: The Impostors #3
Nightwing (2016) #100
Titans (2016) Special 1
Titans (2016) Annual 1
Justice League (2011) #51
Wonder Woman (1987) #161
Wonder Woman (1987) #166
Batman/Santa Claus: Silent Knight #4
Nightwing (1996) Annual 2
Some honorary mentions:
These two ones where Diana doesn't interact with Dick one-on-one and is only a part of a larger group, but it's still a good way to show that she respects and trusts him as a leader.
The Brave and The Bold (2007) #15
Justice League: Generation Lost #1
This one where Dick isn't here but Diana shows appreciation for his skills and is very quick to accept that Nightwing should be honored by being in the League (also this isn't about him but I love Clark's "finally, someone easy." That's a proud uncle y'all).
Justice League of America (2006) #2
This one where Diana isn't here but she lets Dick use her Lasso, I think that counts.
Batman/Superman: World's Finest #17
This one where Diana gifted Dick the fastest horse in the world, apparently.
Justice League (2018) #53
These from the 1966 Batman and 1977 Wonder Woman shows' crossover comic.
Batman '66 Meets Wonder Woman '77 #5
Batman '66 Meets Wonder Woman '77 #6
Batman '66 Meets Wonder Woman '77 #10
And then—
Then...
Yeah. That's about it. It's an unfortunately short list. But what little we do have shows that they have a bond of mutual trust and respect for each other. It's very interesting and I wish they explored it more.
#DC#DC Comics#DCU#Dick Grayson#Diana Prince#Clark Kent#Bruce Wayne#Donna Troy#They appear enough that I felt I should tag them#Nightwing#Robin#Batman#Superman#Wonder Woman#Diana of Themyscira#Tbh I don't know too much about Diana. Especially compared to Dick or Bruce or even Clark#But I have my Personal Opinions™ on Dick and Diana and the symbolism of their potential relationship#As well as all the similarities they share as people and the different ways they can understand each other#But there's enough in canon that can be explored#Like come on#She's known him since he was a baby Robin and she's watched him grow into a capable and inspiring hero#And they both love Donna Troy with their heart and soul and more#It practically writes itself. DC what are you doing#Anyway if I missed any please do add onto this. Maybe some Golden Age stuff? Idk
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“revival falsettos is better” “obc falsettos is better” can we agree that they are both valid and phenomenal interpretations of a piece that aim to do different things artistically in multiple areas?
#don’t get me wrong nothing wrong w having a fav#but SERIOUSLY they are both FANTASTIC!!!#you don’t have to make it a competition u can uplift one version without putting the other one down oh my god 😭😭😭#unless ur writing a piece comparing the two stop feeling the need to shit on one version 😭😭#i was about to say i’m ending my hater era but im actually hating on the haters so i’m a hater^2#anyway it salts my cereal when people feel the need to define their opinion by hating something like#pLease have a positive opinion i am on my knees begging#do u even love what you’re talking about or do you just hate the other thing#falsettos
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Couple of numbers that you’ll do whatever you want with :
Bezz scored 38% of the GP22 points in 2023 (329 out of 858),
Marc has scored 46% of the GP23 points in 2024 so far (345 out of 754),
In 2023, races missed by GP22s : 9 / races missed by GP23s : 15,
In 2024, races missed by GP23s : 2 / races missed by GP24s : 0.
#I don’t think you can talk about the ducatis performance difference between 2023 and 2024 and not mention the 15 (fifteen!!) races enea#missed last season#also yes I love marc being praised but his performance compared to other GP23s is actually closer to what bezz did in 2023 than I think#people think#(mostly because I think bezz’s deceiving 2024 season has completely outshone his 2023 season to people)#(also new fans that weren’t there last year I guess)#yes 46% is better than 38%#21% better#it’s marc thank god he’s dominating more than bezz#but anyway : perspective#stats stuff#gonna have so many articles to write for the blog once the season is over
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Paleolithic Media Catalogue
Hello everyone :) Short story first: When I began brainstorming for my prehistoric story, I started wondering what other prehistoric fiction there is out there. I was not familiar with it and have not seen much. That's when I started my grand literature review and began a search for what fiction exist out there. I wanted to know what kinds of stories are being made with this time period. What are the common themes or recurring ideas (I found lots of humans and dinosaurs works. And time travel). Since I've had a growing collection on my computer, I decided I should keep on enlarging it and put it online. It's nowhere near complete. I'll slowly keep accumulating the collection as I find more. I only have fiction books and comics right now. I still need to work on the film section.
You can access the blog here!
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As for where I am in my reading, the one's I've finished reading are Earth's Children series (book 1-4. Dropped it afterwards lol. I made a post on with fanart) Dance of the Tiger and it's sequel Singletusk (They were good! I'll upload my review on the blog), and Sisters of the Wolf (It was ok!). I got my hands on The Inheritors and excited to start reading it. I REALLY want to read the Shiva trilogy, but I found no PDF online... and it's out of print :( There is certainly old copies on ebay. And I want to read Chronicles of Ancient Darkness. There seem to be lots of good books out there.
#For whomever might find it useful... I'm doing this#I actually found another huge catalogue by an awesome person called Stephen Trussel#However their site has not been updated since 2016#I've linked their site on my blog when referencing the ENG translation for 'paris before man'#I'll make a paragraph dedicated to that site too#This has gone beyond my initial literature review lol#But for someone writing in this genre.. I've got to get to know it well#Because If I do end up publishing it I KNOW for sure it will be set up against other prehistoric fiction#mainly earth's children series#LITERALLY every book I checked had people in the reviews comparing it to Auel's series. Like it's the blueprint of prehistoric fiction#Like it's 'The Lord of the Rings' of its' genre.#and since it's a graphic novel maybe it will be compared to other comics?? Which I haven't found a lot YET#Emmanuel Roudier's work looks SO GOOD#I say looks because it's in French and I can't read French#I'm tempted to try translating it with what little French I learnt from public school and actually learn French in the process#Mezolith is great but it's not a full story. Just small snippets/short stories#Same with Tiger Lung. It's great. Also very very short. I recommend both.#I have not read the mangas yet. I read the first few chapters of Grashros and it's 100% Shounen stuff so far lol
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"the sonic franchise has never had a misogyny problem" <- person whos never played a sonic game in their life
#sorry i just saw that poll that was going around. what do you mean theres people saying no ....#im not gonna elabroate too much rn because i dont feel like writing a whole essay on it but#the sonic franchise absolutely has its moments of mistreating its female cast and its wild to me that people can just. not notice ?#like yeah theres a lot of great and loveable female characters but that doesnt mean theyre never portrayed in a misognyistic way#or dont fall into a pattern of misogynistic writing choices even if the character is fine on her own#do you never pay attention to the amount of screentime or plot relevance a lot of them tend to get ?#or what storylines and roles theyre given?#what types of personalities and designs theyre allowed to have and how much variation they get compared to the boys ?#if theyre ever allowed to interact with other girls onscreen?#i think things Have gotten a bit better in more recent years but thats mostly because idw sonic is doing a lot of the heavy lifting here#and obviously im not saying any of this out of hatred for sonic. you can like something and admit that it has issues in certain areas
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ARMYs are really just burnt out and I don’t think the rapid fire pace of releases has helped anything. It’s amazing as a fan to get all this music, but the expectation to chart everything I think is unrealistic and kind of overwhelming. People just don’t have that kind of time, energy, or money to go all out for every comeback when they happen every other month, sometimes several in a single month. It especially doesn’t help if ARMYs aren’t feeling the song, and I don’t think they’ve felt quite a bit of CH2 music.
I have longer thoughts on all this, but I just have so much annoyance towards some chart ARMYs and their unrealistic expectations and their refusal to acknowledge that the current organized fandom streaming power isn’t what they think it is. Another big wave of HL victimization (but sometimes TH is also included??) from ARMYs and it just opened the doors for so much resentment and hatred to be thrown towards jkk but especially Jimin. It was really disturbing to go and block these people & find I had 5-10+ moots following each time. It’s really out of control.
I’m just tired of this RL discourse while they ignore the twenty elephants in the room that explain why the streams are where they are (and no it’s not because “ARMYS hate RL”.). Instead they just throw these tantrums that further divide an already deteriorating and toxic fandom. I don’t know what it will take for them to understand that a fandom that doubled with Dynamite is going to prefer pop music, and that the majority of ARMYs are in fact not zombie streamers but fans who casually listen to the music that appeals to them. Not to mention the fact that a lot of ARMYs aren’t even active right now, so many of them have been dropping off and waiting for BTS to return as a group.
It really just keeps getting worse and worse in ARMY spaces. I’m pretty sure active ARMYs are about 90% diet solos at this point. It’s extremely messed up what a lot of them can get away with saying and not get canceled or called out for. It’s also just this hyper-fixation on drama, shooter accounts, NewJean’s, MHJ, raging against whatever fandom approved villain of the month, trending pointless hashtags for random reasons, and then being shady and resentful because of these arbitrary goals they set that are often influenced by using Jimin as a goalpost.
#discourse#just a little fandom rant#wanted to be present for NJs comeback#but yeahhhhh#definitely shouldn’t have come back to this side of the fandom#they’re genuinely intolerable sometimes#most of the time actually#they’re really going to chase all the good people out#maybe they already have#and some of the nasty stuff i was seeing about JM yesterday was unreal#ARMYs are entirely to blame for the solo and diet problem too btw#just like they are with tkkrs#but i wont get into all that rn#alright sorry#back to ignoring the fandom mess#ahdgljhadslghsdg#just remembered something else i read that pissed me off#but im going to stop myself 😩#vent series#wait actually one last point in my tags#but RL streams arent even that low#its because they lost sight of what our normal streams ACTUALLY look like#because theyre comparing everyone to jkk#and specifically jm#even though they pretend theyre not pitting the members against each other#like how on earth can you complain about THs streams??#its neglect if any member is lower than JM??#im gonna write another post about JM being the goalpost one day lol
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Since I know how much you love Taiwanese BLs, can we talk about the beautiful instrumental music some of them have? That score that was playing during the fantasy kiss in "Unknown"? *chefs kiss* It reminded me of the beautiful instrumental version of "Aqua Blue" from "We Best Love!"
Dear Anon, I'm thankful you know I love Taiwanese BLs
but . . .
I mute my shows.
So as much as I love Taiwanese BLs, I have nothing to contribute to this conversation since I don't hear anything. I only unmuted Dead Friend Forever's finale last week because someone else commented that it sounded like something was burning at the end, which is how I connected it to the beginning, but if I'm going to unmute a show, it'll probably be a Japanese BL because Japan knows how to use silence.
You should write a post about this because I know there are other music people out there who would like this conversation.
EDIT: @iguessitsjustme said to write them. They'll have a whole conversation with you about this and love every second of it.
But I'll be over here in my quiet corner if you need me.
#unknown the series#where the music people at?#write that post!#find the other music people!#compare notes#let me know what I'm missing#cause I stay on MUTE
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finally finished all of one character's entire quests/optional dialogue/questions/etc.... 100,000 words... .... aughhh
#Given some of it IS lines of code and stuff but like.. minus all that it's still probably at least 85 - 95k words hhhhhh#AND I have to do this for another 3 characters. Then a few partial quests for 3 others. THEN the other random misc stuff in the game#(like there are public areas in the city like a park and a forest that you can go and do a few things at. and chat with a few random#townsfolk that aren't actually full characters or anything. And there's a community board where you can#browse some of the random job advertisments or silly things that happen to be posted around#and also pick up a few odd jobs of your own to help earn coin to buy gifts for the npcs. etc. etc.)#Originally I was thinking like 'ah I'll make a short little game just to try it out! :3 It'll take maybe a few months!''#haha........................hee hee........................................hoho#Also evil that it would have been done already if I didn't totally drop itand stop working on it for like 5 years randomly#i could have made 5 years of steady slow progress gradually. instead of like 'one initial idea dump + about a month of art and writing'#...... 5 year break..... 'sudden mad dash to try to get probably 400.000 words written in a year or less' lol#I just really want to be done and have something out there already so it can lead to doing other things in my world..!!!!!! T o T#Like this can be an introduction and then maybe from that I can make other games. or short story anthologies. or other such things#But there needs to be some initially not very complex easy to interact with starting point first I guess... if that makes sense#That's part of why I stopped posting worldbuilding lore dump stuff as often because its' like.. massive walls of novella length#text are much more inacessible to engage with than like.. ooh a game! and there's characters! so its more approachable! and theres#visuals! oo! and the text is broken up in small bits line by line with other things in betwen! oo! etc. etc. lol#Not that THIS is even very accessible. I think dialogue heavy interactive fiction/visual novel type stuff is pretty niche and considered#boring or tedious compared to something with more ''gamplay'' like where you can actually move around in a world#and shoot things or whatever lol. But its an inbetween point. something SLIGHTLY#more accesible for now. Since i just dont have the budget or means or ability to make some skyrim type thing obviously LOL#Though maybe if theres any interest in the visual novel that could lead to making other things too. or at least I hope. I have a VERY cool#idea for a more ''gamey'' type of game that is a super fun concept and etc. but I would need to hire at least 2 people to make it.. ough..#I could do all the writing and probably half of the art. But I think I'd inevitably need a 3d artist and someone who can Code For Real hbjh#the system for ren'py (the thing I'm making a visual novel in) is not that complicated if you stick to just simple dialogue and stuff.#Making a whole moderately sized 3d game with minigames in it and a bunch of quest features and etc. would be out of my simplistic scope#''just learn it yourself!!' ... i barely manage to eat and sleep reliably every day lol... i do not function well enough to spend months#learning that many new skills. I already have a lot of of things I'm good at (not in a braggy way but just factually like.. i already have#a wide variety of different things under my belt).. at some point I have to just be happy with what i CAN already do and focus on that#and admit I need to get outside help sometimes ghjbh... NO more new skills/hobbies!!! ... ANYWAY
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and then i realized today well shit man no wonder im exhausted all the time. i work all day and then i spend the rest of my time at home also working on writing and stuff so that i can obtain a single shred of the feeling of love and attention and validation through writing 150k words that some people get for free just for existing
#when my grandma said she loved me grandCHILD i realized it was the first time i had felt loved in person in a very long time#and the first time i had ever felt like any family member had ever known or understood me period#i write thousands and thousands of words to be seen and understood and the fleeting attention i get not only solely exists on the internet#but its like meager fleeting scraps compared to people who have been selected by others just for existing#i write to be understood because it’s the only way i obtain a sense of love in terms of like#‘being understood’#i write to obtain love and it is scraps and table crumbs and none of it is irl#i’m not used to living in a life where i dont have to work to be loved#what is that like#every single thing i have to do for love (attention) is work#if i dont talk in the group chat people dont talk to or think of me#if i dont host gatherings at my house no one goes out of their way to see me#i cant just come home and exist and know i am loved by someone#i have to talk#or post#or write#or host parties#or organize events#and it’s work work work work work#but when i go home im alone and so it’s basically like i dont exist#so it’s the only thing i can do to prove im out there to someone so people dont forget me#oh and all the parties and hosting and writing and posting and events are fleeting anyway#they end and then everyone leaves and nothing changes until the next one and then it repeats
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#i generally try not to dwell on articles or other media takes that make me mad bc life’s to short for that#but sometimes i remember the article about the pre tour press con#where the writer explicitly suggested that jonas’s family being there was some new ‘marginal gain’#instead of. you know. a normal thing for them to do#same article also very clearly positions tadej as someone honest and truthful compared to the writer explicitly questioning jonas’s words#why is it that everything tadej says should be taken at face value but jonas must be lying or deliberately hiding the truth#not that i think tadej IS lying but i don’t think he is inherently more open than jonas#this isn’t really about his podcast today which i haven’t listened to but that might be what made me think about that article#not the worst piece of jonas journalism i’ve seen by FAR (hello guardian article about how all of france hates jonas)#but it’s the kind bias and stereotyping that always frustrates me when people write about him
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Ohhhh i now remember why i got shy about talking abt ocs
24/7 fear that someone will tell me my ideas are cliche/stupid/bad in some other and it will hurt more bc these are my own creations and not just fun and play
#kurjatxt#i was trying 2 explain some stuff and i was immediately like#:/ does this feel like some kinf of weird hype for ancient mysticism and does that go into promoting the current day false ideas plaguing#people that make them drink unpasturized milk :/#is this too based on my view on magic from my enviroment bc it is based on my personal experience on seeking safety in#nostalgia and playing w the idea of balancing what you get from the past and integrating it into the future vs. just being stuck in the#past vs. the danger of completely rejecting the past told through the lense of smth i loved as a child: fantasy/magic/fairytales :/#and could be alienating and immature and demeaningly simple to other people who grew up in an enviroment already more inclined to#this kind of balance :/#or is me thinking about this demeaning to people bc i should be able to trust them to see what i make as silly ramblings by some random#tumble user just exploring their own experiences through story instead of trying to make some large sweeping statements about#the world and its reality :/#or is it bad of me to be careless about bc of COURSE i should put the upmost care into what i put out into the world and make sure that#everything i make is inclusive and as accessible to as many different types of people to relate to :/#or is that dumb is that limiting to art and am i giving a bad example and furthering the idea of people#havibg to make everything as palatable to everyone as possible JUST in case that nobody gets even slightly hurt or annoyed :/#man being a creator is hard OOPS that is also an evil thing to say being a creator is the luckiest thing you can ever be and ur just beinh#a whiny bitchbaby :/#<-#all that just. a small portion of the overthinking#and yk what it started from?#thr statement '<#in this world magic can be kind of more compared to how modern science is approached'#THAT SENTENC3#I AM SO STRESSED ABOUT#WhY IS MY BRAIN LIKE THIS!!!! I DONT KNOW!!!#sorry this is prolly the longest tags ive ever put on a post sorry to whoever opened the see more for this#its just. i think tj3 first tim3 ive been able.to expresw the circles my brain does and its kind of therapeutic#maybe i should start writing these circles down more often so i could see how dumb they rly are on paper#instead.of fretting inside my heae
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anyways it’s funny that i say i prefer stories that work with themes on a bigger scale meanwhile my favorite piece of fiction in the entire world is nana by ai yazawa, which is so deeply embedded in its characters perspectives that it almost becomes apolitical. like i don’t know if ai yazawa fully realizes that nana k is a csa victim or that ren manipulates nana o with sex or that shin & reira’s relationship is unhealthy. she might or she might not.. it doesn’t matter what she thinks because she’s just fully uninterested in passing judgement on these things, instead focusing on portraying them and the characters’ experiences extremely authentically & leaving the viewer to interpret what it is and what it means. which counterintuitively makes them more compelling to me (the themes enjoyer…) only because she’s so fucking good at doing that. truly i have seen some very well-written characters but i have never seen anything like the characters in nana……..
#and i mean obviously nana is not truly apolitical or absent of thematic cohesion#because at its core it’s a story about the homoeroticism of intimate female friendship & how people trap themselves in unfulfilling#circumstances in the hopes that they can deal with/emulate/move on from what societal constraints bar them from having#you don’t even have to interpret either of them as gay to work w this lens because textually even a romantic relationship is a tool for nan#and hachi to get what they want from each other (the romanticized ideal of love where you can be together forever without doing the work)#essentially making them girls who WISH they were shoujo girls but aren’t. they are real girls so unfortunately they re not guaranteed their#fairytale unconditional love#AMONG OTHER THINGS.#but that is honestly just not as important to nana as it is that we just get to live in these characters’ worlds#in the truest portrayal of “life” i have literally ever seen..#anyways i love nana by ai yazawa that’s all.#nana#frogs.txt#cw csa mention#*maybe* taylor is up there with ai yazawa’s character writing but they are fundamentally different stories that must in turn approach#their characters in very different ways.. so it’s something of an exercise in futility to compare them. imo.#okay i will fucking shut up now. sorry.
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Just saw this comment on a story posted a month ago.
*cries in Eddie Munson Solo Series no one wanted to read, interact with or request for*
No shade to the person that commented this on their own fic if you recognize it. It's not their fault. I'm not mad at them. More crying in the tags.
#and no I didn't tag the solo series like I normally would because it's not about THAT. It's not about trying to get people to read it#It was just really ouchie to see the same concept I wrote 2 years ago get triple the notes in ONE MONTH.#and double the notes of my solo series masterlist in general in one month vs 2 years of my stories sitting there rotting#Then I see people saying they need more solo Eddie and I'm just here like my dudes I begged for requests. BEGGED. But bc I wasn't#/have never been a popular writer people don't want it from ME. It's like omg we want THIS but not like that. Not from you.#Can't help but let it get you down when nothing has changed in 2 years. It's not like I worked my way up and have the interaction now#that every other blog I used to commiserate with back in the day is getting currently. Fandom isn't a competition but it's not fair either#and I really struggle with that a lot of the time#Also yes I will concede I should be happy with the notes on the solo series because they are the highest of all the work on my page but#they're still nothing compared to what some people have just hours after posting a new story.#I saw someone complaining the other day that there are less new stories in the fandom than ever 1. That's simply not true. 2. Even if it wa#can you blame writers for giving up when readers are checking the same popular blogs over again or reading the same 5 tropes the same#2 pairings over and over. The same series? Over and over. Ignoring everything else and then complaining that their faves don't post enough?#That the popular writer with the incredible series (that rightfully deserves interaction) hasn't posted a new dad!eddie or rockstar!eddie#drabble in ages meanwhile there are writes out there pouring their souls into dad!eddie and no one reads it. There is so much rockstar Eddi#smut out there that it could sustain a brand new reader for an entire year before they needed a new fic#Idk man. I'm just feeling so defeated. I write for fun now. But there was a point in time where I desperately tried to build a platform by#offering requests and writing a lot of things I would not otherwise write to try and gain traction on my page and every time I see another#food fucking fic get hundreds of notes I get so sad that I wrote that stupid Melon fic because I had people in my life that told me#they would be excited to read it and for what? One of them still talks to me. The others moved on so fast. Most didn't even reblog it.#Some of them have since written their own food fucking fics that got triple the notes of my OG. Again. No shade to them. I don't own the#concept. It's just disheartening and fucking sad above all else. How hard I tried to get people to LIKE me and my stories. 😂#Just sad hours in general tonight my guys. Going to go and pour the bad feelings into Aftermath and then maybe make a bad life choice and#pour all my savings into an ipad#YES I KNOW first world problems. I know. That's why I try not to talk about it bc it seems so petty considering the state of the world#But you can't help what gets you down#EMMs Journal#EMM's Journal
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