#come on universe do your thing
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By the way, while I'm on my MoviestarPlanet ramblings here on my page...
If your name is Kayla Mae and had the username "imsowwy" and had a very involved romantic relationship with a guy having the username of "XxKawaiiPandaBoixX" in 2016 who admitted he wasn't actually a guy and disappeared due to his religious upbringing not allowing him to date a girl if he was a girl....
You are entitled to some form of compensation. Idk how much financial compensation I could do, but you are entitled to some kind compensation nonetheless.
#moviestarplanet#msp#webcore#2016#2016 online friends#online games#2000s online games#moviestarplanetboyfriend#he had a kitten at the time#kayla was from texas i think#lots of asterisk#roleplaying#I've felt so bad ever since lmao#i frequently think about sending an apology out#in hopes the universe will bring it to her#idk why i think about it so often lmao#anyway#this is getting embarassing#i hope this post finds her otherwise this will be even more weird to post#come on universe do your thing
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Stone is a good liar
#stobotnik#agent stone#doctor ivo robotnik#sonic movie universe#this one is funny to me for a number of reasons allow me#first. stone no one wants your job#no one is even sure why YOU want your job#honestly every other agent is very thankful it's you and not them#second rob stop spying on stone#whenever i draw them in different places please assume robotnik is watching#he's got better things to do but also he does what he wants so#third robotnik should not be offended#by all means this is good#this means stone knows his place#it also means that stone is not insane because... come on#but he is. he is very offended#he doesn't know why and he won't ask himself why#but stone will have to deal with it
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you always land on all fours
#umineko#umineko spoilers#ikuko hachijo#ikukos turn for a more serious piece... the old man has reigned for too long#now. INCREDIBLY LONG INCOHERENT TAGS RANT INCOMING FAIR WARNING HAS BEEN GIVEN:#it makes me so so sad how little discussion there is about specifically ikuko because imho she fits so neatly into a lot of the more#overarching Big Themes of the game in a way that i have not ever really seen people take notice of or point out in a meaningful way#like even just off of the top of my head. the significance of names and what it means to go by a name that's Not Yours (she has like 4+)#what it Means to be a witch how it represents a person's deepest insecurities and flaws & how its at its core a coping mechanism#the fact that it takes two to create a universe and trying to do it on your own anyways has the capacity to bring you intense misery#^ (how she's shown to be extremely dismissive of her own work and skill until a collaborator comes into her life and helps/encourages her)#and even the family/patriarchy/misogyny stuff that is so prevalent in the rest of the game comes back around to her. even her Only Friend#(young&stupid atp to be fair) remarks that shes Weird for being unmarried + the little she does say about her past invites the question of#to what extent her self-image stems from her family deeming her a freak outcast & effectively disowning her while celebrating her brothers#and i have lot in my mind about the witch thing specifically because i think her particular situation is very reflective of what umineko's#entire magic system and fantasy facet as a whole is meant to represent for an individual. from what little we see of (what is presumably)#her Real personality she is shown to be deeply self conscious in a way that is JARRINGLY diametrically opposed to both 1.) what we see in#featherine and 2.) what we see when she is acting as a Public Figure. because both of the above are very much purposeful acts that she is#putting on in order to obfuscate her true self. and i have always been very resolute & adamant about not totally equating her to featherine#not only because im very firmly in the camp of “featherine is the avatar of the Pen Name & tohya is part of her too” but also very much b/c#i feel very strongly that the stark differences between the two are very centrally relevant to her character & her psyche. as is the case#with most other witches featherine's personality traits serve to reveal/magnify a lot of ikukos inner workings by playing on her#insecurities/reversing them e.g. ikuko being very quick to downplay her skill/achievements becomes featherine being the COMPLETE opposite#to the point where she barely registers even other witches as living beings rather than just fun touys. BUT even though i do champion the#ikuko/featherine separation so hard i ALSO think it is purposefully relevant that at first glance the line between them seems so blurry#her introduction implying a more nebulous separation between her reality/fantasy counterpart is i think is an intentional move on her part#like it is part of the front she is putting up when acting as the Author. as opposed to Ikuko the person who we (in a way ironically very#similar to the way that the Real Battler is presumably only shown during the boatscene) only very briefly get to see take up screentime#which even on a meta level lines up very well with her apparent underlying nature as a like. extremely private largely reserved/shy person#hit tag limit but if by some miracle anyone is still reading this thank you... please see ikuko with the love she deserves... ok ily byeee
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Gen obsessed with how.. *dead* your Jason's color pallete is. Like, that's corpse pale right there. Not a spec of blood left flowing in there (also father Todd's skin being full of color in comparison is a nice touch)

THANK YOU I love making him look a bit ghoulish. Guy who's not supposed to be alive but yes he is. no he isn't <3
#DC#DC Comics#Jason Todd#Red Hood#Jaybin#Robin ii#Art by me#Asks#I know vitamin D doesn't affect your skin colour BUT the easiest way to get it is sunlight which does ik nobody is bothered by this but me#But I have OCD. so you're getting clarification anyways 👍#Jason's way of saying if you spend too much time underground it's going to start wanting to keep you there 😁#I do think he bleeds normally and has a heartbeat and all that because he's not Dead. Alive? Well no also. He's likeboth at once and neithe#I think his physical state should be full of inconsistencies. you can't see his breath in cold weather but you can if he smokes etc.#There's also appeal to him coming back looking completely normal I do love mundane horror but#His death was important both in and out of universe and it altered things irreversibly so I think he can be a little Off as a treat#Also it adds to the misery that he's the same person like he died and came back the same person internally he's himself but#to others he looks and acts and is offputting he's Jason but Wrongg. Except not really#Because yeah he changed but that's just getting older and being affected by your experiences like everyone else ever#unfortunately for him he popped back to life Like That so everyone is just going eughh what thebfcuk#But that's a little off topic ANYWAYS one thing I really liked about Countdown was Jason being described as a siren in the dark#Like yea he's unsettling even if there's no clear reason as to why yet. He wasn't even doing anything his vibes are just rancid#My ideal Jason is one who looks like he wouldn't be out of place eating someone. He wouldn't. but you know. looming threat#I think he'd have fun indulging in the undead aspect in his more dramatic moments#Also the environment matters like during the day at the store he just seems a bit strange but at night in an alleyway it's uncanny valley#I have more to say on this topic but I'm writing a novel in the tags so I'll wrap it up#To summarize it's basically YOU CAN'T GO BACK YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK TO THE WAY THINGS WERE AND EVERYONE WHO LOOKS AT YOU CAN SEE IT#Thank you again for this ask I love when people bring up details they like to me because I like putting them in and talking about them#And just talking in general clearly lmao post-crisis really had so much going for it. lots of interesting characters
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"It's so embarrassing to admit I only create art for validation" did paleolithic humans not paint for other humans to see. Does a child making their first drawing to show their parents makes it any less valuable. Do gardens arranged for the visitors' eyes make the roses any less beautiful. Do love poems written for one person alone to hear make your heart ache less. You're fine
#jay rambles.txt#two very hard pills to swallow: 1. art has always been created for money and it's a very normal practice in human history#and actually artists being expected to produce art for free or as cheap as they do now is a relatively new thing#2. humans have always created art for validation because being recognised and understood by your fellow humans is a universal human need#if you start to idealise artistry as something inherently selfless that needs to come with no gain or benefits or instead brings only pain#you are going down a VERY dangerous path of not being able to express yourself without shame - if at all#and potentially dragging other people you told close down into that mentality too if you're vocal about it#I've been there#I am there#It's a shitty feeling but the only way out of it is true embrace your need to be loved and desire for human connection or it won't end well#idk that's my opinion tho
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seeing people claim that lucanis is 'bad representation' is hilarious to me because in so many ways he's really the closest anything has ever gotten to capturing my own personal experience. sorry for being bad real life queer and mental health/neurodiversity representation folks 😔 I'll take time to reflect and do some work on myself and try to do better in the future
#it's lucanis and harrowhark nonagesimus. I'm basically in the middle of that venn diagram. it's about as fun as it sounds lol#but. we. stay. silly. we stay silly. *deep breath* we stay silly#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#lucanis dellamorte#it does show bioware kind of are fucked coming and going tho. taash' character arc holds your hand too much apparently#and the moment lucanis' arc lets go of your hand for a second you walk directly into traffic and scream 'why would bioware do me like this'#is either arc perfect? no of course not as I apparently have to state every time to the point of tediousness. but also there clearly#is no winning everyone over anyway and people will invent problems that frankly do not exist. tilting at windmills gamer style#'is this just maybe not 100% 4 me but a bit for someone else? no. it's the writers who are objectively wrong and we all agree on this'#tooltip pop up: that is literally never true. there's NOTHING we all agree on. this is dragon age fandom.#you have been alive long enough to write words and access the internet. you know this if you search your heart#and think about it for even a second. so please do that before posting in the tag where I have to see it#as always 'your experience is not universal' is a useful thing to keep in the back of your head lol#also why lucanis is autistic To Me. a different flavour than taash and potentially bellara but the flavour closest to um. well. me lol
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The voices are loud and I am WEAK
#nebula rambles#gripping my FUCKING HEAD#i love fnaf sb. i do. i think besides the fucking. INSANE SHIT it canonizes and whips out#it has really cool concepts and actually are giving the animatronics and even the humans (all things considered)-#more personality and theyre so silly#but god. i still remember the confusion and like. befuddlement watching gameplay at last and i watched chaos#bring back the old concepts BRING BACK THE OLD LAYOUT BETTER COMPRESS YOUR GAME STEEL WOOL#and im. grips head.#hey guys im dbs' number one hater#you can hate on dbgt all you want that's. understandable#but GOD NOTHING WILL MAKE ME WANT TO EXPLODE THAN DBS#i know it's definitely for either nostalgia or to bring people back to familiarity whatever#but WHY do you have it take place BEFORE the final episode but AFTER the buu saga#why not just. make it the new gt#why not make an ACTUAL CANON for AFTER dbz???#cause with all the new shit coming in [multiple universes#the gods of destructions and their angels-#NO ONE FUCKING MENTION MAI TO ME IM SO FUCKING ANGRY BY HOW THEY HAVE THE PILAF GANG BUT ESPECIALLY MAI#do i still adore they made broly canon and rewrote him into such an interesting take?#yes#do i FUCKING LOVE the dbs super hero movie?#absolutely#but i cannot look away from the everything else it's attached to#admittedly im an anime watcher bc it's easier for me to digest but i have seen some stuff from the manga after super hero and#anyways this is. long. hi. i have visions i dont know if i'll ever act upon
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i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you
#im reading that post that says artists are directors of audience reaction and not its dictator:#'you cannot guarantee that everyone viewing your work will react as you are trying t make them react. a good artist knows that this is what#allows work to breath. by definition you cannot have art where the viewer brings nothing to the table ... this is why you have to let go of#the urge to plainly state in text exactly how you think the work should be interpreted ... its better to be misinterpreted sometimes than#to talk down to your audience. you wont even gain any control that way; people will still develop their opinions no matter what you do#im thinking abt this again cuz i was thinking maybe the thing that lets adventure time work so well the way it does is cuz it doesnt#take itself too seriously that it gives the audience enough room to fuck with subtext and then fuck with them back yknow. i think it was#mentioned somewhere that they werent even planning to run with the postapocalyptic elements that are hinted in the show but changed their#mind after the one off with the frozen businessmen and dominoed into marcy and simons backstory. on the other side there are stories that#explain too much to let the story speak for itself and i think it ends up having to do more with the crew trying to lead ppl in a certain#direction than expand on what they have and i see a lot of this with miraculous. like when interviews and tweets are used as word of god in#arguments and it becomes a little stifling to play around with it knowing the creator can just interject. u can say its the crews effort to#engage with its audience but it feels more like micromanaging. and none of this is to say there ISNT room for stories that spell things out#theyre just suited for different things. if sesame street tried abstract approaches to themes and nuance itd be counterproductive#a lot of things fly over my head so i need help picking things apart to get it- but it doesnt have to be from the story itself. ive picked#picked up or built on my own interpretations listening to other ppl share their thoughts which creates conversation around the same thing#sometimes stories will spell things out for you without being so obvious abt it that it feels like its woven into the text. my fav example#for this might be ATLA using younger characters as its main cast but instead of feeling like its dumbed down for kids to understand why war#is bad its framed from a childs point of view so younger audiences can pick up on it by relating to the characters. maybe an 8 year old#wont get how geopolitics works but at least they get 'hey the world is a little more complicated than everyone vs. fire nation'. same for#steven universe bc its like theyre trying to describe and put feelings into words that kids might not have so they have smth to start with#especially with the metaphors around relationships bc even if it looks unfamiliar as a kid now maybe the hope is for it to be smth you can#look back to. thats why it feels like these shows grew up with me.. instead of saving difficult topics for 'when im ready for it'#as if its preparing me for high school it gave me smth to turn in my hands and revisit again and again as i grow. stories that never#treated u as dumb all along. just someone who could learn and come back to it as many times as u need to. i loved SU for the longest time#but i felt guilty for enjoying it hearing the way ppl bash it. bc i was a kid and thought other ppl understood it better than me and made#feel bad for leaning into the message of paying forward kindness and not questioning why steven didnt punish the diamonds or hold them#accountable. but im rewatching it now and going oh. i still love this show and what it was trying to teach me#yapping#diary
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falls to the ground. my favorite song is one that i looked at back in early march and went oh, this works well for ragatha... and im listening to it again and i DO still think it fits ragatha a lot. but it ALSO fits gangle. but i dont wanna put the same song on two character playlists from the same series, so im just gonna keep it on ragathas. either way it mainly fits manager gangle specifically but not the entirety of her. i think it fits ragatha more generally
#the song is the universe is going to catch you <3 its been my favorite song for like five years#funny considering i was like JUST talking about how i like loud music and this song is NOT loud at all HAHA#it just has a special place in my heart#but like. the song fits well w like... zooble to gangle#the last lines in particular feel fitting for ep 4#'everything glowed. took you into the air / and the arms of the universe kept you from falling#but after that happened those arms did not come back / so when you leapt up and nobody caught you your neck broke'#i mean. gangle ended up fine in the end so its not quite 1:1... but that truck man. that truck#but ALSO. the self destructiveness under the guise of Everythings Gonna Be Okay is VERY ragatha#just.... in general. thats a huge part of her. and its a huge concept in the song#its blatant even just in the NAME of the song#(i mean theres another very similar reading of the song that isnt quite exactly this. its not necessarily a positivity thing#can be a more general ignorance to consequences. but imo the underlying reason for a person to say everythings gonna be ok#doesnt change that thats what theyre saying and that they are not correct)#but like the lines 'youve been a hollowed-out apple though youre standing up straight'#and 'come back inside to this house to your home / made of steel-structured styrofoam. nobodys out there'#they fit i think...#...though the ending has unfortunate implications for any character U_U#ask to tag#i SWEAR im not forcing my fav song to fit characters i like. i think i just like a song that epitomizes traits i like in character HAHA#ive had MANY characters ive loved over the yrs who ive gone. hey wow why does this song fit them so well!#(its because theres a specific concept i like seeing different executions for and its characters being reckless#despite doing what they think is best. theyre just either flat out wrong. or right but in a way thats gonna have awful consequences#mostly for themself but also for others who care about them)#ANYWAY
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ok pause. i just thought about wolfwood's death scenes in both trimax and 98 and i'm crying. what the fuck do you mean he just found a will to keep on living after so long of being willing to die for any bullshit reason and he died anyway. what do you mean trimax ww died next to the man who taught him how to live and love again and vash buried him alone. what do you mean 98 ww died wanting to spend his days with vash ans the girls and vash carried ww's gun around after that and used it in the final fight. what the fuck do you mean. that's the saddest shit i ever heard get said in my life
#trigun#vashwood#sorry im pausing the mcrp posting for a minute to think about trigun. it WILL happen again <3#like come on. COME ON.#GET THE FUCK BACK HERE NIGHTOW WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS I'M DEVASTATED#listening to my vashwood playlist and i'm going to fucking sob for real why did i put mcr on this thing it's so fucking sad oh my god#tristamp ww you are on the chopping block girlie you are a dead man walking you are carrying your own tombstone#that is so sad to think about. doomed by the narrative so hard he can't escape death in any universe#whiskeys word soup
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You know, I feel like other trans people might get this, but it's honestly kind of refreshing when a cis person has, like, undeniable tboy/tgirl/whatever swag. It's like when you come across somebody who speaks the same language as you and you only find out when they start speaking it, too.
#trans#transgender#lgbt#lgbtq#ftm#mtf#nonbinary#all this to say that we are existing on a rock hurling through space#and this universe is going to collide into another and does it all truly matter in the end?#a lot of this is based on ideas we have about what constitutes certain people and i think it can be a fun observation#so long as you do not inherently ascribe certain traits as being indicative of who somebody Is#it can be amusing when you're SO confident that somebody is a certain way until you realize how Wrong you were#the amusement for me only comes because it's like... 'you tried your best to box somebody and you FAILED lmao'#and in a weird way it's kind of comforting because it reminds me that we all come into this world with bias that Will be challenged...#...so the best thing you can do is recognize those biases and then try to overcome them through great effort...#...so yes maybe i did think that cis dude had tboy swag but. that's not inherently his problem you know?#it probably just means he's confident in his manhood in a way that reminds me of the trans men* i know and love#i noticed that in him and it reminded me of my friends who are trans so i think 'oh! maybe that's why he's giving off those vibes!'#so while i won't treat him any differently before or after finding out i was wrong i'm still going to appreciate the fact that...#...he and i are literally just Vibing on the same planet and we both don't have time for petty arguing about manhood#i'll acknowledge what inspired those thoughts in me but that is Not his problem and that's good and beautiful actually#i don't always mind the tboy/tgirl swag meme just so long as you don't treat it like an Inherent Trans Experience Only Trans People Have#just recognize where those ideas are inspired from and it's fine <3#sometimes you will be Wrong and that's actually fucking neutral <<3#anyway rant over i just think this is /generally/ harmless and fun#like astrology. sometimes you just look up your star sign without ascribing your Entire Life to it <3#i think what i lot of people mean by saying a cis person has tboy/tgirl swag is just that...#...that cis person has an understanding of themself that comes from deep introspection that isn't necessarily expected of cis folk...#...but it is often something trans people do as part of our exploration of gender...#how is this the FIRST POST to reach tag limit... ask me for more thoughts if you want lol!
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Congrats on your promotion (Patreon)
#Doodles#Adventure Time#Fionna and Cake#Simon Petrikov#Fionna Campbell#Cake#Not only the adult in the situation but also her dad! Wow! Lol#When is this set? Don't worry about it lol#I mean when wouldn't it apply honestly haha#Constantly out of his/their depth: The Series#Meanwhile Fionna is just having a fun time :) I just want her and Cake to be happy <3#Drawing Fionna smiling is so nice she's so cute ♪#And admittedly drawing Simon stressed is also very fun lol poor thing#He just has so much fluff to pull on! Stress-scrunches his hands into his hair hehe#To be fair he's doing his best - he's rather competent for being a mild-mannered human!#He does about as well as could be expected and even above and beyond in places#Him calling out the Vampire King out of sheer dadly indignation? Beautiful#And he's still growing and learning :D Good for him#For now tho he gets to come to terms with that fact haha >:3c#How fun it is to be the one in control of your own destiny! How empowering and not at all stressful to be at the whims of the universe!#Ehh he's got a cosmic entity looking out for him he'll be fine#As long as he plays to her tune ♪
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There's something about like. A certain genre of posts / Online Opinions about insecurity/depression/misery/complaints that are so unhelpful that they wrap right around to being straight up hilarious. and it's the ones that are more or less written to the tone of "Feeling bad? That's gross!" Like, just so you know, don't voice your insecurities/ have low self esteem, because that's offputting! You're gross and weird. Don't be insecure about that, though. That would be stupid if you felt insecure about people disliking you for being insecure. Not attractive. You should be thinking about being as attractive as possible. You shouldn't make comments about suicide, even if you're suicidal! Keep those thoughts entirely to yourself. Make sure nobody around you knows you're thinking about this. It would Make Them Uncomfortable. It's better to keep these thoughts in your head where they can fester. Don't post OR talk to friends with complaints about you feeling miserable or depressed. Tbh people who are sad/upset a lot? Kinda a red flag! You are probably miserable because you're a bad person and you've brought this on yourself. If you don't have friends, it's because you're awful to be around. Easy! Solved the problem for you. And no, there is no nuance to this, got it? So, make sure to feel bad about feeling bad, but don't feel bad about it, because, well, that's just gross. And annoying! You might've wanted your brain rotted thoughts to be Peer Reviewed, you might have just needed to vent- you might've been hoping for some comfort, to get things off your chest. Well, don't! Don't talk about thoughts or feelings that are negative with your friends, you'd be burdening them and that's only meant for THERAPY. #SponsoredbyBetterHelp #MentalHealth like, DAMN. that's so helpful. you're so good at helping. I um really liked the part where these are all hard and fast rules that encourage keeping feelings bottled up and keeping your friends at arm's length. That's really funny of you.
#I FEEL LIKE COMPLAINING RN in the context of this alternate universe these posts live in. that makes me evil rn. I may not even keep#the post up. but I Needed to complain about these bc I hate seeing them#really funny and good because it very much feeds into that part of the brain where you go wait am I stupid? am I horrible? am I annoying?#before you express any kind of personal feelings. from feeling insecure alll the way down the spectrum to feeling like your life is over#before anyone How Dare You Say We Piss On The Poor-s at me YES there is a nuanced version of this#which is. you can make someone feel like shit (A Fellow Sufferer Of The Mental Eelnesses) by using them as your dumping ground#in excess and usually with no regard for how they feel and without Regular conversations inbetween#and in a one-sided way where they can't do the same and complain with you as a sounding board in return#don't tell new friends you hardly know abt THE MOST personal shit you can possibly think of. there are steps being skipped here#right? we know this. we all know it. setting a boundary is a thing. overwhelming a person is a thing#on the other hand there is such a thing as a friend who IS okay to listen and wants to help. and friends who relate.#maybe talking abt personal stuff makes ppl feel closer sometimes. just a thought! maybe not everything is Emotional Labor. maybe just maybe#but like come on. these are almost intentionally unhelpful posts#long post
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Holy shit, can you IMAGINE if Shadow does that moment where he's mocking Sonic while they're fighting and instead of saying Tom’s name, he says, "Who was he? Your dad?"
I mean we all wanted to hear Sonic say it again, but placing it in where Shadow hears him say that after he injures Tom and uses that term of endearment against him? That would be mess me up super bad.
#not me doing a group movie night on discord to think about this idea#things come up like that when your gushing over space hedgehogs in a group chat#sonic movie 3#sonic 3#movie!shadow#movie shadow#shadow the hedgehog#scu#sonic movie universe
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i love the collective hc part of the fanbase on twitter has that teen matoba got along with his female classmates bc they bonded over sweets and other "girly" things like painting each others nails lol i'm always like nodding my head along going "so true so true"
i can see it yk, idt he would actually care and he would say weird things that put his classmates off from time to time but as soon as they start talking abt a new sweets shop that opened nearby he would be Actively Listening and Participating in the discussion
#i can see it sooo clearly#like imagine we got a chapter with a culture fest in matoba's school#and his class is doing like a maid or crossdressing cafe#and his female classmates are having the time of their lives dressing him up lol#and then he invited natori and he actually comes#and idk some yokai trouble happens and they have to exorcise it#i can see matoba in a cheap french maid outfit with a long skirt and frilly apron doing exorcism so clearly it's ridiculous#ik this all sounds so cliche but it's a classic shoujo trope and fandoms are for enjoying the cliche things after all#ik midorikawa sees the vision too#idk if she would put it in the manga necessarily#but ik she sees it#natsume yuujinchou#bf kuromisa i never would think she would have matoba doing something like this#but then you add taki's class crossdressing cafe and the takashi-reiko chapter with matoba's whole thing#and i'm like “midorikawa your braaaain 😩”#like she just Knows how to insert classic shoujo tropes in a way that makes sense to natsuyuu's universe yk
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hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?
hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].
but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.
it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.
and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.
the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.
an emptiness, like you said.
but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.
you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.
he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.
but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.
how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.
the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.
think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.
i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.
but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.
as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛
#q&a.#birdsong.#wishing u gentle ease; the death of a loved one is near inexplicable to put into words and i hope you take care of yourself gently <3#i hope this will make u laugh: when i was a tiny child in middle school there were times i would go outside in my tiny suburban cul de sac-#in the rain and sing along to my lil ipod nano and i only remember doing this to drops of jupiter. can you imagine going out to get the mai#after a long day of work and you just hear this kid singing train in the streets. in the RAIN.... it makes me laugh like i really.#i really thought i was so cool and deep and emotional ghjkd but i find it v funny that i only remember it w/ that one train track.#and saturn just. it's my fav s.a.l. song for a reason. that slow violin opening? the piano coming in gentle and easy?#it feels like light. like hope. like something new - a dawn after the long dark. that beautiful things can begin again even where#it hurts. and there is nothing more human than a sentiment like that.#how rare and beautiful it is to truly exist. what it is to be alive and get to be here and live with other people. with those we love.#i think your grandfather was so lucky to be able to know you. to have you in his life for the time you had together.#i'm no spiritual person; but i like to believe when you're thinking about him? he's thinking about you too.#the second law of thermodynamics (physics nerd mode) is that no energy has ever been created/destroyed since the beginning of the universe.#so it has to go somewhere - it's that carl sagan quote of 'we're all made of stardust'. because we are. we used to be stars; planets; etc.#i think it's why i think of these space songs - because they're a part of everything; once more; when they go. us and everything else.
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