#codependent trauma buddies
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Harry doesn’t handle it very well, the first day he and Voldemort spend apart.
When he wakes that morning, Voldemort is up and putting on robes much more elegant than any he’s worn since their capture. He’s going to meet with his Death Eaters – he says as much, but Harry had already guessed. No need to dress up and stand on ceremony with someone who’s seen you piss in a bucket.
Harry follows him silently to the library Floo. Voldemort grabs a handful of powder and looks as though he will leave just like that, but at the last minute he goes still.
Facing away from Harry, voice neutral and even, he says, “I will return.”
Harry nods, then makes some vague sound of assent when he realises Voldemort can’t see him. And then the Dark Lord is gone.
He should do one of the many things he’d thought of doing while they were in that cell. Write to Ron and Hermione or other friends and Order members. Go outside and enjoy the sunshine (well, what sunshine there is on a grey autumn day) and fresh air. Eat and drink whatever and as much as he likes.
He drops into a nearby chair and stares at the empty fireplace, hugging his legs to his chest.
*
It’s fine, he’s fine, Voldemort’s probably fine.
Probably.
Harry tries to remind himself that he’d known whenever Voldemort was being tortured – he could feel echoes through their connection. He would know if something was wrong. The only things he can feel through the bond are mild irritation (which Harry, having dealt with the Death Eaters before, can fully understand) and satisfaction (Nagini, his mind whispers).
Nothing to worry about there.
Harry starts plucking at the chair’s upholstery.
*
When Voldemort returns later that afternoon, he nearly trips over Harry as he exits the fireplace. 
To save the chair from his anxious destruction, Harry had eventually trekked to the kitchen and baked enough bread to feed an army. Channelling his stress into the dough had helped keep him somewhat calm, but he’s pretty sure he overworked a few loaves. That had occupied a few hours, but he’d been too wound up to eat anything, so he’d returned empty-stomached to the library to wait. 
And that’s where Voldemort finds him, seated on the hearth, dusted with flour and soot, halfheartedly pretending to read a book and about ready to storm Malfoy Manor or wherever the Death Eaters gather to make sure the Dark Lord is all right. 
Which – Harry squints up at him consideringly – he is. 
The look on Voldemort’s face is… actually quite funny, were Harry not as strung out as an addict kept from their substance of choice. He’d be more upset about that if Voldemort didn’t look as though their separation had strained him, too. 
“Welcome back,” Harry says as he dusts himself off. Might as well sweep the past few hours of losing his mind under the rug and ignore their many, many issues – they’ll be there whenever he’s forced to confront them.
Voldemort is on board for pretending they’re functioning human beings, thankfully. “I’ve brought Nagini.”
And so he has. The four-metre long snake, wrapped around the older man’s torso, peeks her head up from his shoulder at her name.
Harry only hopes his words come out in Parseltongue. “Hello there.”
She rears back slightly, apparently not expecting him to speak her language. “Hatchling. Master says I’m not to eat you anymore.”
“How kind of him,” he says dryly. She hisses in agreement, not catching the sarcasm. 
Voldemort unwinds her and sets her on the floor next to Harry. “I’ll leave you two to become acquainted,” he says as he heads towards the library door. “No biting.”
“You would bite Nagini?” she asks warily, coiling away from him. Dammit, Voldemort.
“I wouldn’t dare,” he attempts to reassure. “Your scales are, uh, much too beautiful for me to want to damage them.”
Appeased, she wriggles proudly. “Aren’t they?”
She shifts closer to him, butting her head into his hand. “You should express more appreciation for Nagini’s beautiful scales.”
He’s not entirely sure, but he thinks the giant murder snake is telling him to pet her. He rubs gently along Nagini’s chin and body, drawing contented noises from her. He murmurs some nonsense about how lovely her colouring is and she somehow manoeuvres the majority of her body into his lap and around him, praising him for his warmth. It’s, unexpectedly, really nice.
“Why,” Voldemort calls from the doorway, sounding just the tiniest bit perplexed. “Are there two dozen loaves of bread?”
Whoops.
(A long, hard road)
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inadvisablebutinevitable · 1 year ago
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the way that Andrew and Neil and Jean all have this incredibly intense codependent relationship with Kevin that’s based off of mutual trauma or binding promises, and then there’s just Jeremy who’s like… “Kevin is my buddy! 😁 We text! 🤗 Kevin you crazy fool! 😜
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batsandbirdbrains · 7 days ago
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If you don't mind answering, what's your favorite platonic Dick Grayson relationship? I very much love the differing father/son vibes he has with both Bruce AND Damian, but I'm also a sucker for a good brotherly relationship like with Tim or Jason. Also can't go with the codependency he has with the Titans (or YJ)
Dick and Donna is one of my absolute fav pairs of bffs. I like that they’d both absolutely defend each other to the death, and that they’ve known each other since they were young. Love the Wonder Twins they’re def my fav platonic pair.
And I think Dick & Roy and Dick & Garth are under explored too. It’s always either Wally or Donna. And I like them don’t get me wrong, but I want to see Dick and Roy hanging out at a gala bc Bruce and Ollie dragged them there, and maybe they’re making fun of Lex Luthor who’s also there and then sneaking cigarettes in the alley behind the venue. Maybe Dick is super interested in Atlantis and Garth teaches him all about it, and Dick in turn helps Garth with some surface world stuff that he’s been nervous about.
I enjoy all of the fab five together though, the concept of a group of superhero bffs is so fun, especially since they started when they were all so young. They’ve def all trauma bonded. And I like fics where the fab five all know Bruce is a shitty dad and they do everything they can to keep Dick away from him/protect him/comfort him.
Dick & Damian are my fav pair of all the batkids. Probably because they parallel early days Bruce & Dick so much. But I think they’re so fascinating to read/think about regardless of whether they’re the correct ages with Dick being older and Damian being younger, or if it’s a reverse robins situation. They have a fun mix of brotherly affection and father-son dynamic.
I do of course also love Bruce & Dick being a weird mix of father-son and brothers too. But I also enjoy fics where Bruce is very clearly The Dad.
In a Young Justice cartoon setting, I actually really like when he’s good friends with Conner and Kaldur. I feel like his friendship with Wally is always the focus, and his relationships with other characters aren’t as explored. Especially in a platonic setting. I don’t want Dick and Conner to be dating, I want Conner to look at this fluttery kid who helped save him from Cadmus and think “I have to protect him now, look at him, he’s pint sized.” Nevermind the fact that Robin in yj is objectively a terrifying little weirdo, that’s Conner’s terrifying little weirdo. I want them to watch Dick grow up and become Nightwing and for them to be so proud of their friend. I want them to get mad at other heroes when they talk shit about Nightwing because that’s their best pal, their buddy, their bff.
Probably derailed this a bit sorry abt that. But I just love fics that explore his relationships with other people without making it romantic.
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mazzystar24 · 1 year ago
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Being a psychology nerd and engaging in fandom actually makes my eye twitch sometimes because terms are constantly being used wrong to diss people or characters and also people will act like they know every experience a mentally ill person can have just based off a small sample of what they’ve seen and they’ll use that to disregard storylines or people’s opinions or spec
So some things guys that may be an unintentional call out or reassurance for your spec:
Hallucinations CAN be auditory and visual simultaneously (multi modal it can even be tactile, somatic olfactory or gustatory) and there is actually a very high prevalence of this in a lot of disorders and are actually thought to occur more frequently than unimodal hallucinations, and yes it can be in the form of full blown conversations with people that aren’t there and they can be extremely elaborate and complex especially if paired with delusions- so yes the possibility that Kim is a hallucination and we are just seeing it from Eddie’s pov is valid spec so stop being dismissive to people
Also for my brain tumour truthers- a brain tumour is a little complicated when it comes to hallucinations cos it really depends where the tumour is and what regions are effected because for example an occipital lobe tumour is more likely to just cause visual hallucinations- but multimodal hallucinations due to a brain tumour is also possible, a brain tumour also comes with other symptoms too but a lot can be consistent with the spec like for example impulsivity or disinhibition, delusions, aggression (if the buddie divorce is true that works), anxiety, depression, etc.
Trauma bonding is something that occurs in ABUSIVE situations where you start to feel sympathy and love for your abuser it’s not when people bond over trauma - so no what buck and Eddie or buck and Chris have is very much not a trauma bond
Gaslighting isn’t just lying to someone it’s intentionally manipulating them to the extent that they doubt their own sanity (the term coming from a play turned movie where a husband drives his wife crazy by like screwing with the gas lights in their house when she’s alone to make her doubt her memory and her perception of reality) - so no Eddie is not GASLIGHTING buck when he lies to him 😭😭
Codependency is also just not what Eddie and buck have, they don’t base their entire lives on each other and they don’t like have an unhealthy dynamic or have an imbalanced relationship, now yes they both had times when they needed the other to be there for them or help them through stuff or aid their self worth but overall they more so just want to be around each other not that they NEED to and they work on themselves separately like going to therapy by themselves while also supporting eachother by helping out while they do that
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motziedapul · 10 months ago
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I didn't submit propaganda for the ACAB sexy podcast character vote for Donner and Murphy
but I do wanna talk about how if you like unhealthily codependent buddy cops where one has held onto unrequited feelings for over a decade and has a nasty case of self worth issues (the issues being that he doesn't have any) and has hidden these feelings under a veneer of an unending Hot Gay Summer and quippy, charming flirtation so he can pretend he doesn't hate himself
While the other has been holding onto the trauma of losing his first boy crush to a horrific supernatural event that's made him unable to emotionally open up beyond buddy cop levels of friendship for 24 years of his life as he continues his lifelong crusade to find answers to supernatural murders across the city
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Then listen to Hi Nay 🫶🏾 we're only on the tip of the iceberg of how messy these two are gonna be 🙂‍↕️🏳️‍🌈
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buddiesystempod · 3 months ago
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This ain’t L.A., 🌴 ain’t no 118, 🚒 but Eddie’s putting his foot down, down, down, down. 🤠
🎧 Listen on Spotify: Texas Hold 'Em (Season 8 Episodes 12-13) 📺 Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/nNLwQBlT7pQ
Han, Cil, and Rachel take a ride in Eddie’s Prius through Season 8, Episode 12 “Disconnected” and Episode 13 “Invisible” of 9-1-1 as we unpack 📦 the dynamics of finding your voice, feeling forgotten, and the weight of familial expectations.
The nightmare 😱 of Maddie’s kidnapping haunts her dreams and steals her voice. We explore how she navigates through this with the help of Chimney, Athena, and Jee.
Hen is feeling unimportant 🫥 when everyone but Athena and Eddie forget her birthday. 🎈 We take a look at how she turns her feelings of hurt and embarrassment into her best birthday yet.
It Girl, Eddie Diaz is the star 🌟 of this episode as we follow his journey in El Paso — the struggle to reclaim his identity and confidence in being a father in the face of unattainable expectations. The contrasting parenting styles of Eddie and his parents reveal how generational trauma can affect relationships, making it hard for Eddie to assert himself and advocate for Christopher.
We unpack his latest and greatest hits, including:
• Lying to His Kid Part 2
• Diving Headfirst Without a Plan
• Nervous Yapping
• Getting Steamrolled by His Parents
• Codependent FaceTimes with His “Best Friend”
• And more!
Luckily, Eddie has the good sense to continue taking Buck’s advice and communicates with Chris, then fully “Dads Up”, FINALLY 🙌 reuniting the father-son duo.
We hold your hand and tell you the latest foreshadowing 🕵️ for an Eddie (and possibly a Chris) NDE – the bus is leaving the station at some point and you never know what tree may fall during its route to L.A.! 👀
It may be cloudy and grey 🌥️ in our Buddie Forecast, but we break down our prediction for clearer skies ☀️ (albeit not necessarily smooth sailing) by the end of the season and the beginning of next!
Grab a Capri Sun 🧃 as we watch Eddie checkmate ♟️ his parents and take a big move towards reclaiming his identity and embracing joy. 🥳
🎬 Episode Title inspired by starkbucksix's "Texas Hold 'Em" Eddie edit, which we unashamedly watched on loop more time than we can count 🤠
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seaweed-water · 10 months ago
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yes chef part two -> dying on the pass, 243k, series complete, explicit
alternate universe - human, alternate universe – celebrity, chef derek hale, food critic stiles stilinski, enemies to lovers, angst, fluff, smut, angst with a happy ending, hurt/comfort, alcohol abuse/alcoholism, addiction, light dom/sub, daddy kink, service kink, praise kink, top/bottom versatile derek hale/stiles stilinski, power bottom stiles stilinski, dom stiles stilinski, sub derek hale, derek hale is a good boy, stiles stilinski hates derek hale, derek hale loves stiles stilinski, fuckboy stiles stilinski, pining, jealous derek hale, pov alternating, fuck buddies, complicated relationships, this gets really messy, not what it looks like, codependency, unhealthy relationships, trauma, they are literally obsessed with each other, derek hale in panties, spanking, subspace, healing sex, dacryphilia, orgasm edging, pet names
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becauseplot · 9 months ago
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90 Seconds to Midnight: An Ordem Paranormal AU Masterpost
Figured I should make one of these so I can keep track of my own posts lmao. Will be edited with new entries as they come but don't expect toooooo much content. Spoilers through OSNF finale and OPD 6. Asks are always open for the AU!
90 Seconds to Midnight is an AU where Thiago survives Santo Berço, but he doesn't quite escape the Symbol. After all, anything that is touched by Death cannot ever go back to the way it was. (Liz+Thiago-centric.)
FANFICS
Full fanfics that I (or others!) have written and posted in regards to this AU. All main links eventually lead to Ao3, if an Ao3 version of them exists.
Still Feel (Original fic where I made up the basic premise of how Thiago survives Santo Berço. This was written BEFORE I decided to make the AU angsty lol. You can definitely read this as standalone and pretend the rest of the AU's storyline doesn't exist.)
Unusual (A fic about the uncanniness of Liz and Thiago's growing comfort with each other. Codependency? Shared trauma? Paranormal influence? It's impossible to say. Featuring a fun new concept: Platonic Cuddling (But Evil))
almost midnight by rabbit-harpist (A fic written by a friend of mine who is also crazy about Liz and Thiago. Very good writing with amazing atmosphere! Explores Liz's side of their downward spiral as things start to slip.)
The Event Horizon (A fic written exploring a scene touched on Post 5 (see Tumblr Posts below). Many months after the burning of Santo Berço, as the Symbol is pulling apart what remains of his mind, Thiago follows Liz to the New Dawn Apartments in the hopes of saving her from herself.)
MORTE (One-off I wrote for Inktordem. Towards the end of the AU's storyline. One of my reblogs on the original tumblr post has extra meta info about it, but the explanation contains spoilers for OPD 19, so be warned!)
MY TUMBLR POSTS
Posts where I've written/rambled/drawn things that happen in the AU: setting, what the characters are going through, major plot points, etc. They're listed in the order I posted them and not necessarily in chronological order story-wise.
Post 1 (Self-indulgent rambles and Liz and Thiago's living situation. Secret-third-thing Liz+Thiago my beloved.)
Post 2 (First explanation of how Thiago's situation starts to take a turn for the worse.)
Post 3 (How Thiago initially tries to cope with the nightmares.)
Post 4 (Toying with ideas concerning Thiago and Liz's entwined decent.)
Post 5 (Ending of the AU's storyline.)
Post 6 (Epilogue!)
Post 7 (The entanglement of their love, their trauma, and paranormal influence.)
Post 8 (Liz's nightmares. Can't believe I haven't talked about Liz's nightmares yet.)
Post 9 (Some art about Thiago's sinking feeling of running out of time, inspired by the song All the Time in the World by Kiltro)
MY TAGGED POSTS
These are posts I've reblogged that I think fit with the "vibe" of the AU. Consider this list something like a deconstructed web weave.
Post A (Textpost)
Post B (Textpost)
Post C (Gifset) (God it's so pretty)
Post D (Song lyrics)
Post E (Textpost ft. my buddy calling me out)
Post F (Screenshot) (Contains OPC 8 spoilers)
Post G (Screenshot)
OTHER STUFF
Some wonderful art made by the lovely @rabbit-harpist! Please go look at this it's amazing it's incredible I love it so so much.
HEY LOOK AT THAT I MADE A SPOTIFY PLAYLIST :D
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quinnerisms · 9 months ago
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saw and edit of buck and t*mmy with Jealousy Jealousy by olivia rodrigo and lowkey…..makes sm sense bc the entire time tommy was trying to get with eddie (the trips, the basketball etc etc after knowing eddie what two days? less?) then he goes to bucks (i think to apologize for whatever he did bc since he’s yk trying to get with eddie he CANNOT have eddies codependent bsf hate him or his chances are gone ykwim 😭) then he gets with buck and now he’s getting laid while also being able to hang out with eddie and not cause suspicion yk like ‘oh look how chill tommy is with the BuckAndEddie thing’ ENTIRE TIME HIS ASS WANTS TO B E BUCK AND BE W I T H EDDIE.
and now with gerrard being buddy buddy with buck (against his will god pls free evan buckley jfc) and buck saying yes bc of the fucked up guilt thing…..timtam over there might not take this so well……
either way point is tommy never wanted buck and dude. with bucks traumas and dating history THIS WILL HIT HIM BAD DR.COPELAND PLS PULL UP LORD JESUS like we saw with taylor even if his partner isnt liked by his circle or hurt buck in some way or is just a shitty person buck will ALWAYS feel hurt bc that’s who buck is he LOVES HARD he loves with his everything and to be a consolation prize? to be lied to? to not be someone buck can trust?…..we’ve seen this film before and me and eddie have the popcorn ready as well as ice cream and tissues
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sweetcloverheart · 1 year ago
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You know, thinking about it some more, by "Derision"'s own premise - Marinette should have absolutely hated (or at least distrusted) Adrien day one regardless of the Umbrella apology, because him being friends with Chloe would have been the major issue/deal breaker. The moment she hears he's Chloe's childhood friend, she would have been doing utmost to avoid him at every turn despite him being so nice to her (After all, Kim was nice to her too, and look what happened there) because all the apparent deepseated trauma Chloe's prank left her.
Also, by extension, the class would have distrusted him too (and Kim maybe)? This is a dude that's apparently besties with the girl who's been harassing them for years and made their beloved favorite classmate go through a super traumatizing event the year before. A good majority of Adrien's first few months at Francois Dupount should have been the miraclass all avoiding him and playing interference whenever he tried to interact with Marinette, with the only minor exceptions being Nino (Who is the goodest of boys and also wasn't in the same class as Mari and Co when it happened but really should know regardless considering Chloe videotaped it and put it online?), Alya (Who just transferred in and likely wouldn't know what's happening either), and Chloe+Sabrina (The former of whom is more than happy that the losers are keeping away from her precious Adrichou! More of him for her then!). (And maybe also Kim? He probably sees it as Adrien going through what he did after the prank and deciding to buddy up/help him out since "nobody here knows how to take a joke")
Meanwhile, Adrien would feel so confused and isolated because his class all just hates him for some reason and he has no clue what he might of did to make them all mad at him? And it just makes school feel like home except 100 times worst because at least he (thinks he) knows why his dad often ignores and avoids him. And speaking of, he can't go to him about the problem because he'll just use the class's actions as an excuse to lock him back up in the manor for homeschool because it just "proves" he was completely right about Adrien not being safe at public school, and Chloe's no good either because her "help" (i.e Calling daddy or the principal to take away a class privilege or get a trip/activity cancelled those mean losers made her precious Adrien sad - so fix it or else!) ends up just worsening the divide, so he's basically on his own except for Plagg (who sadly can't really intervene in a way that would actually solve the issue). It also ends up funneling into making his crush on Ladybug 220% more codependent because it's literally one of the very few relationships he has where he isn't being treated like a leaper, idol, or a nuisance...except it turns out she also hates Adrien - but that's fine, because Chat Noir hates Adrien too! Dude's just the worst, don't you think my lady? So everything fine because they can hate Adrien together and bond through that (self hatred and poor coping mechanisms go brrr~)!
Basically the first 2 and a half seasons should have played out like an "Enemies!AU" where Marinette and most of the Miraclass is convinced Adrien is Chloe's new vice chief bully and act accordingly as Adrien desperately tries (and fails) to make friends and figure out why everyone dislikes him so much, while the Ladynoir side has the two bonding over how much they hate that lame blonde modeling twink from the magazines.
...Ah crap, now I want to make an AU.
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Happy anniversary, VII
I cannot believe it's been a whole year since I posted VII. I wrote and posted it at a pretty dark time for me, and figured it'd be a weird little oneshot that some people might like but would ultimately just kind of. exist.
That is not what happened. I'm still overwhelmed by the response it got. To the folks who loved it and left such wonderful comments, you will never know how much that mattered to me -- and still matters to me. And to everyone who has shared their love for the sequel or helped build that world with me, thank you all so, so much. It's been so fun and such a thrill to see your reactions and your support for my codependent trauma buddies.
I was really hoping to have a new chapter of A long, hard road to post today, but the brain is just not braining right now. Fingers crossed for March 19 (the anniversary of ALHR)!
If you haven't read VII/ALHR, you can read them here: Your legs give way, you hit the ground
I cursed my readers with this snippet, so now Tumblr gets cursed too. (If you haven't read any of it yet, this is not indicative of the fic whatsoever):
Maybe-canon-but-probably-not omake: Because no one has any chill whatsoever “Okay, so you think it’s romantic that he would, like, literally sew you two together if he could. We’re going to ignore how weird that is for the moment.” “Ronald…” “But mate, he’s a giant, skeletal snake-man. You can’t honestly say you find him attractive.” Harry mutters something under his breath that sounds a little too much like, “Oh, can’t I?” for his friends’ tastes. “Is this some problematic holdover of your infatuation with the diary horcrux?” Hermione asks as Harry sputters and turns bright red. “No!” he shouts. And, after a suspicious delay, “And I wasn’t ‘infatuated’ with the diary!” Ron and Hermione both give him a look at that. Traitors. “Psychologists would fight to the death for the chance to sort through all your issues, Harry.” “Sy-ko-wha?” “Good to know if I ever decide to hold gladiatorial contests,” Harry says dryly. The topic of conversation dies out for a couple minutes before Ron turns back to Harry and looks him dead in the eye. “So, given the chance – you would bang the snake-man?” Hermione puts her head in her hands and regrets several life choices. Harry sighs. “Like a screen door in a hurricane.” Ron chokes on air.  “Harry!” “He asked!”
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marc--chilton · 2 years ago
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alison absolutely divorces the fuck out of lawrence but could you imagine if they didn't. but lawrence and adam were still super codependent after the Bathroom (and also adam lives. obviously. delusion) so he's just Also There. imagine the hijinks.
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ah yes. me. my husband. and his five and a half foot tall codependent trauma buddy
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deadinsidedressage · 8 months ago
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The absolute worst and ironically best turn of events happened to me in 2022 when my abuser started cheating on me. After investing a decade into molding me into the ideal victim who would never speak against him, he got bored with it. I didn't fight back anymore. I absorbed daily verbal attacks. The random violence he would perpetrate didn't spark a reaction. I would just accept it. I was numb. I was walled off. I had internalized the abuse so much and my depression fed into it.
He wanted to get caught. He didn't hide it at all and he let my paranoia over not being good enough (which he practically had told me daily for years) build and build until I was questioning him. He would reassure me he wasn't cheating and I think the way I was constantly anxious was fun for him. Then he essentially left hard evidence out so I'd find it. He wanted to break me and he did.
My multiple, rapid fire suicide attempts after finding out were largely due to the state of psychosis I was in. My 10 day stay in a psych facility did nothing to assist with my psychosis. It then persisted with varying amounts of lucidity for the next month, month and half that my abuser maintained contact with me after I was released into the care of my parents.
In a lot of ways, psychosis is a lot easier to live with than high reactivity PTSD. My path to mental health management post spousal abandonment in a psych facility has had greater volatility than the crypto market. Compulsive hypersexuality as a near impossible to control symptom of my PTSD was actively tearing my life apart at points. What I didn't expect as much was the transference of reactivity onto hobbies, places, and even people that were a major part of my life pre-psychosis.
I dated someone, who retrospectively a totally sane me would've only been friends with, for about a year and he introduced me to psilocybin. Which is something I have gained a tremendous amount of healing from. I dated someone, who retrospectively I just should've been fuck buddies with, for about 6 months who inadvertently helped me break my codependence. I met another abusive narcissist who love-bombed me and then dropped me when he decided to find another girl to cheat on his fiancée with. Which definitely launched me into a short period of psychosis and a longer period of out of control hypersexual compulsions, but which I didn't take lying down and did in fact do my best to ruin his life by contacting the "ex-girlfriend I'm roommates with" aka, fiancée.
You find out who you have real long-term compatibility with in quite a jarring way when you are at times going completely off the rails as a former abuse victim trying to restart their life. Some friendships go by the wayside as you unlearn personality mirroring and people discover they don't have as much in common with you. Others go down in flames mired by an inability to reconcile with the way severe trauma does not create a healthy person. New friendships emerge as you discover there exist people who resonate with those parts of your personality you thought were unlikeable, unlovable.
This time last year, I was about to experience a relapse of sorts. I got wrapped up with another abuser and the way that would end was far too familiar. I felt like I was reliving the night I was taken to the psych facility when I learned the truth of who that person was. I became suicidal and in trying to prevent myself from acting on that and take care of myself, I lost my job. A job I'd held for about a year and had really enjoyed.
At full speed, I went crashing into compulsive behaviors I knew would destroy me. I was sexually assaulted. I was cultivating a full "social calendar" and using sex to numb myself. I felt like it was all I had to offer anyway.
My low point was also miraculously how I met my other half. I was laying in the bed, well floor mattress, of a two strike violent felon. In the unfinished basement of his NA sponsor's house while he was on the phone with his drunk alcoholic ex-girlfriend. I opened Tinder and started swiping.
I had no idea the sad looking Navy boy I matched with would make me feel like I had reunited with the missing part of my soul. We married within 10 days of meeting, but kept that a secret for about a month after he'd left for his homeport.
For the first 18 year of my life, the thing that kept me alive was horses. During the decade I suffered physical, verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse it was my involvement with horses that kept me sane. Realizing I had to give up that part of who I was in order to start my new life has been incredibly painful. I don't know who I am without horses. I don't know how to keep my mental health in check without horses. I feel such immense guilt over failing to hold on to my dream horse and give her the life I imagined I could. I breakdown and I cry over the loss of Mia, the struggles but ultimately joy I found in Chevy, and just the compounding list of reasons Mitzy and I weren't ever meant to be.
The thing is, I would and will sacrifice anything for that sad looking Navy boy who turned out to be the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me. The sweet southern gentleman who risked pneumonia while I drug him through every inch of my local zoo and had the courage to tell me about all the worst parts of himself without knowing if I'd accept them. The man I describe to our friends as "me but with a penis" who in turn reminds everyone I'm just "him with a vagina".
I know I haven't permanently closed the chapter of my life as an equestrian. I know because my husband reminds me when I'm breaking down in the shower about how lost I feel without horses that being without them is temporary. It's painful to be without something that I've felt has so defined me and that has been so instrumental in how I've managed my mental health.
Learning to navigate life as a military spouse, living so far from my family and my best friends (who so graciously kept my marriage a secret until I was ready to announce it), figuring out how to survive underways and an eventual deployment sucks so much ass now.
This period of feeling lost will pass.
One day I will again be popping over logs, hacking bareback, bemoaning the parts of a dressage test I'm struggling with, going foxhunting, midfielding in polocrosse, riding aside, and considering 3ft to be a big jump with a non-conventionally bred horse I love for its willingness to try anything with me.
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milkyetoile · 2 years ago
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after this great post by @thesherrinfordfacility about Crowley and Aziraphale’s domestic, it got me thinking about the beautiful contrast between the relationships shown in season 2. it was such a great juxtaposition, a chiaroscuro in writing that seriously left me in awe and ruin, not just from what happened but for how the relationships were laid out in writing.
so here’s an essay on the romance in S2, written by your local arospec lesbian
Gabriel/Beelzebub
essentially, I think this was the “ideal” romance. two beings who were in high positions on opposite sides, having secret meetings to complain about their sides and then falling in love to Buddy Holly’s Everyday…there was an understanding at every meeting that they probably wouldn’t have reasons to meet anymore after they agreed, but they kept meeting anyway. they fell in love in the process until Gabriel placed his memories in the fly that Beelzebub gave him, after getting in trouble for not wanting to continue with armageddon't. and when the whole mystery was solved, they immediately agreed that they just wanted to be together and they did do that. they go off to Alpha Centauri to live happily ever after and both Heaven and Hell will probably leave them alone (probably).
I say it’s ideal because it’s like a movie or book romance. two people meet, get to know each other and fall in love, then conflict!! but once it’s resolved, they get together with a sappy ending. to be clear, I have 0 complaints with this, I’ve shipped them since s1 and they were cute in s2…but I also love how it was set up like the kind of romance both Aziraphale and Crowley were visualizing previously.
Nina/Maggie
this relationship was more realistic and healthier. Nina was in a horrible relationship with an emotionally manipulative partner (kinda parallel to Aziraphale’s experience with Heaven) and Maggie’s a disaster lesbian smitten with her. Maggie tries to make a move on Nina then finds out that Nina already has a partner, then Nina’s partner breaks up with her. then our two favorite idiots try to meddle and matchmake her with Maggie for the sake of the ruse. things go pear-shaped with them getting involved because Maggie wanted to help Aziraphale. but once everything’s done, Maggie and Nina actually talk about things and agreed not to start a relationship because Nina wanted to heal first after her breakup. and they agreed that after that, if Maggie was still interested (which she swore she would be), then they would try.
it was more realistic because they’re humans like us. part of what makes humans such pivotal parts of the story is that we have shorter lifespans that result in an “urgency” in comparison to the non-humans. striving for success, loving people–being on essentially a time limit motivates us to be a lot more direct and straightforward when the situation calls for it. humans have to grow to get what they want. and so, Maggie and Nina, as mature adults, decide to communicate properly and it ends with them not being together yet but having an understanding and being on the same page–a better foundation for romance than what Aziraphale and Crowley imagined for them.
Aziraphale/Crowley
this is the complicated, messy relationship with a generous heaping of unhealthy codependency and unresolved trauma. the slowest of burns, 6,000 years of knowing each other, and yet neither of them really talk. they’ve made some progress since armaggenah. they’ve both been more open in comparison to S1, they have been trying. but 6,000 years of dealing with their individual trauma plus being on opposite sides and needing layers of subterfuge and denial to even have a semblance of friendship…on top of that were the events of arma-fucking-geddon and the aftermath (which included COVID among other things, mind you)–4 or 5 years in comparison is nothing. they were just adjusting and getting comfortable in the new status quo…cranking up the engine, so to say. throughout s2, they both made assumptions about each other. they both clearly talk about wanting to be together but they had different ideas of how that would look like. they were on the same page for a mere sentence then ended up on different books altogether, so to say.
anyway, I’m losing my point bc it’s 5 am here and I’m finally getting sleepy…but it took them a time limit of the apocawhoops for their relationship to progress significantly. and another catastrophe plus a literal intervention from Maggie and Nina for further progress. then, when they’re finally completely honest about what they want between the two of them, it’s when they have two opposing ideas. and those said ideas tie back to their individual trauma and fundamental parts of their characters…honestly, as much as I’d love for them to end up together, they need time apart to grow, Heaven’s interference notwithstanding (looking at you, Metatron). ironically, Aziraphale says, “nothing lasts forever” yet their idea of forever is much longer than humans’ and that resulted in stagnation.
truthfully, I think this was also quite realistic. some relationships don’t work out due to various factors. you could find the person you’d be most compatible with in the world and still end up separating if you’re not emotionally ready. love is incredibly complicated and messy.
Final thoughts:
the ending of this season fucking hurts but honestly, I loved it. I personally love these kinds of stories. and the direction of those final scenes was just…*chef’s kiss*
I’ve rewatched that last scene with them at least 5 times already. am I a masochist? probably lol but seeing their minute expressions really digs in the knife more and I love it.
special mention to Michael Sheen’s acting during and after the kiss, like make it hurt more, why don’t you??
I really loved the juxtaposition and parallels between these relationships. beautifully done, I wish I could write like that. I didn’t think I could respect the phenomenal writers more but here we are.
if you need me, I will be spending the next few days rewatching S2 and reading and possibly writing fanfiction. we'll see.
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yannaryartside · 2 years ago
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I want Carmy to have a best friend.
Besides Sydney.
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I have been trying to find this gif, but there is a moment in 2x08 when Carmy is talking to Sydney about where to buy some product. He mentioned, "Yeah, my buddy from high school, he is running an Ibero account," and I went: "bitch you lying. Weren't you a total loner in high school?" he probably just wanted to sound better than say, "yeah this guy I know from high school" maybe to pretend to be more "normal." There are multiple scenes that could be evidence of Carmen having not friends at all growing up, not closed ones anyway:
In 1x04, when Cicero is describing his friendship with Carmy's dad, Cicero says, "We had the same problems at the same age, so we had a lot to talk about," and Carmy says, "That sounds nice," like he had never had a person like that in his life. In 2x05, Carmy says, "You always had so many friends, I don't know, I really wanted that." There is a pause here, his eyes moving because it's a big confession, before trying to continue the conversation and saying, "Mickey had that," to top it all, he mentions in his monologue that he thought Mickey was his best friend. After all, Mickey is the one person who knew him best, despite how little Carmy knew about Mickey. Here is the thing: Carmy still doesn't have any friends. Richie is not a friend. He is more like an older brother, somebody that can scold him. They are not equals. Most of the figures in Carmy's life are authority figures/relatives.
You may argue that Sydney is his friend, and she is, but he hasn't referred to her as his "partner" (business) yet, and I think there may be something behind it. His trauma dumps on her; he shares a passion for cooking with her, but they are not there yet on the emotional stuff. I know they are going to star calling each other friend, or best friend, in future seasons as their relationship grows, but I do not want that responsibility to rely completely on Sydney's shoulder; she is going to be "his person," but I think it may be healthy for Carmy to get a friend that he can talk to besides her, maybe somebody that he can relate to in the things he cannot relate to Sydney. So he can get perspective on things, and find confidence in his value as a "friend" or learn to be a good friend to begin with, to trust deeply on someone. On that note, while consuming fiction, people get this feeling when they see a loner/isolated archetype fall in love with their best friend because he is the "only person who gets them," like some codependency stuff. This will not be the case for Syd and Carmy because he was attracted to her even before they started to connect.
I think Marcus and Carmy don't have that chemistry yet; if there was a chance of them becoming more friends than acquaintances, it would have shown already. This was one of the reasons I was excited to see the new staff, to see if Carmy could get a friend that way. I honestly want Sydney to get some friends too. We don't know much about the staff yet, and there is a position open since they fired that guy.
So here is my wish list: I want somebody Carmy can think of as an equal (not necessarily in the cooking world), but somebody of the same age and preferably with similar issues. Maybe somebody who has tragically lost a dear one or somebody who is in the program (not an addict, that probably would not work, but somebody from a family of addicts). And I want them to have similar interests, like fashion, art, and other stuff. This comes from a person who was really depressed in high school and only started to recognize my own destructive patterns when, one summer, I met my best friend, who was also very wounded and depressed. I had an abusive father, and her classmates harassed her. You see my point here. We held each other through some very dark times. I want that for Carmy, especially when his relationship with Richie (and maybe Sydney) is complicated in what could be arguably the darkest moment in Carmy's life. "The more people I cut out, the quieter my life got," I think he is going there again. That being said, can I suggest somebody? (this is totally a fanfic scenario that I am starting to write to fight writer's block, but here we go).
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Listen to me, I know. You don't have to tell me to get over this man. I am currently re-reading Six of Crows as I do once a year.
But here is the idea of the fic. This is Nikola. He is from a russian family (politically persecuted refugees back in the '80s). Ten months before the time of the series, Nikola's father killed somebody in a liquor-induced rage, the victim being the man Nikola's mother was having an affair with. How did the father figure it out? Nikola told him, hoping they could divorce and his father could live with dignity. To make matters worse, Nikola is a lawyer, but after trying to represent his dad, he has a sense of guilt related to his profession, for reasons I explain on the fic. So he tries a new career trying to figure out who he is after this mess, running away from all ot it, and he decides to be a cook, he gets good at the quick stuff (a comi) and the first scene is Carmy hiring him personally (because he wanted to give Sydney a break). Nikola's nickname is "Fox," he is quiet for the most part, serious, and looks perpetually confused and amused by Richie and Fak's shenanigans. Carmy and Nikola start talking about the program for families of alchoholics, and because of Carmy, Nikola goes to his first meeting.
Let me know what you think.
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zeebreezin · 1 year ago
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20 for the throuple!
20. Will they recover from their trauma or will it consume them?
Oh boy.
So, we’re going to have to break this question down a little bit, because this is an interesting one when we’re talking about the throuple. I’m also going to be answering this pretty much all at once for all three of them, which will make sense in a second. TL;DR: It really depends on what trauma we’re talking about here.
If this question is talking about their personal trauma, from before the New Sequence, then I would argue that yeah, they have been recovering, admittedly in an incredibly unhealthy way. Isobel’s family breaking down directly after the fall, Vincent’s […], and Laurence’s trauma following the War on Hell are still things that follow them for the rest of their lives, but also their relationship does genuinely help them heal from their experiences. I’d be lying if that extremely codependent mess didn’t have some positive impact, especially in the sense of having other people to rely on emotionally. Don’t get me wrong here, they’re endlessly feeding each other's complexes in an ouroboros-like manner, but you’re also talking about three people who are all some combination of massively codependent/starved for affection & care/[…]/insanely lonely/have very strange definitions of love. Is the relationship healthy? No, absolutely not. Is it working? Yes. Are they in a better place than when they started? Yeah.
On the other hand, I don’t think any of them are really ever going to unpack the fact that. Well. “Hey you’re in a military sun cult dedicated to a mechanical god”. Both Isobel & Vincent died extremely loyal to the cause, and though Laurence is less fanatical than those two were on a few levels, he’s also in way too deep to ever come to any conclusions about that. Especially not when his memories of his early days in the New Sequence are hazed over in affection, thanks to Isobel & Vincent. A lot of the red flags are lost on him now, and I highly doubt he’d ever be able to really deconstruct his beliefs unless under very specific circumstances - specifically involving Beverley, who he’s gotten pretty attached to. Even then I can’t see that ending well for him, and would probably only end up in him self destructing even harder. Sorry buddy.
There’s another level to this, specifically considering the fact that Vincent’s whole sense of identity is out of wack. The man’s brain is fucked beyond belief and trying to classify if he’s going to heal as a person or not is really difficult, considering the fact that beneath his charm he’s a very hollow shell that gets filled with whatever Isobel wants him to be in the moment. I genuinely don’t know if he could heal from all that without another terrible thing happening to him in the other direction, and then we’d be talking about an entirely different character.
Basically, I think my final answer for all of them is…. “Yes, but actually no,” with a ton of citations needed. Whoops.
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