#codependent trauma buddies

[theonceandfuturequeenoftarts]

Harry doesn’t handle it very well, the first day he and Voldemort spend apart.

When he wakes that morning, Voldemort is up and putting on robes much more elegant than any he’s worn since their capture. He’s going to meet with his Death Eaters – he says as much, but Harry had already guessed. No need to dress up and stand on ceremony with someone who’s seen you piss in a bucket.

Harry follows him silently to the library Floo. Voldemort grabs a handful of powder and looks as though he will leave just like that, but at the last minute he goes still.

Facing away from Harry, voice neutral and even, he says, “I will return.”

Harry nods, then makes some vague sound of assent when he realises Voldemort can’t see him. And then the Dark Lord is gone.

He should do one of the many things he’d thought of doing while they were in that cell. Write to Ron and Hermione or other friends and Order members. Go outside and enjoy the sunshine (well, what sunshine there is on a grey autumn day) and fresh air. Eat and drink whatever and as much as he likes.

He drops into a nearby chair and stares at the empty fireplace, hugging his legs to his chest.

*

It’s fine, he’s fine, Voldemort’s probably fine.

Probably.

Harry tries to remind himself that he’d known whenever Voldemort was being tortured – he could feel echoes through their connection. He would know if something was wrong. The only things he can feel through the bond are mild irritation (which Harry, having dealt with the Death Eaters before, can fully understand) and satisfaction (Nagini, his mind whispers).

Nothing to worry about there.

Harry starts plucking at the chair’s upholstery.

*

When Voldemort returns later that afternoon, he nearly trips over Harry as he exits the fireplace. 

To save the chair from his anxious destruction, Harry had eventually trekked to the kitchen and baked enough bread to feed an army. Channelling his stress into the dough had helped keep him somewhat calm, but he’s pretty sure he overworked a few loaves. That had occupied a few hours, but he’d been too wound up to eat anything, so he’d returned empty-stomached to the library to wait. 

And that’s where Voldemort finds him, seated on the hearth, dusted with flour and soot, halfheartedly pretending to read a book and about ready to storm Malfoy Manor or wherever the Death Eaters gather to make sure the Dark Lord is all right. 

Which – Harry squints up at him consideringly – he is. 

The look on Voldemort’s face is… actually quite funny, were Harry not as strung out as an addict kept from their substance of choice. He’d be more upset about that if Voldemort didn’t look as though their separation had strained him, too. 

“Welcome back,” Harry says as he dusts himself off. Might as well sweep the past few hours of losing his mind under the rug and ignore their many, many issues – they’ll be there whenever he’s forced to confront them.

Voldemort is on board for pretending they’re functioning human beings, thankfully. “I’ve brought Nagini.”

And so he has. The four-metre long snake, wrapped around the older man’s torso, peeks her head up from his shoulder at her name.

Harry only hopes his words come out in Parseltongue. “Hello there.”

She rears back slightly, apparently not expecting him to speak her language. “Hatchling. Master says I’m not to eat you anymore.”

“How kind of him,” he says dryly. She hisses in agreement, not catching the sarcasm. 

Voldemort unwinds her and sets her on the floor next to Harry. “I’ll leave you two to become acquainted,” he says as he heads towards the library door. “No biting.”

“You would bite Nagini?” she asks warily, coiling away from him. Dammit, Voldemort.

“I wouldn’t dare,” he attempts to reassure. “Your scales are, uh, much too beautiful for me to want to damage them.”

Appeased, she wriggles proudly. “Aren’t they?”

She shifts closer to him, butting her head into his hand. “You should express more appreciation for Nagini’s beautiful scales.”

He’s not entirely sure, but he thinks the giant murder snake is telling him to pet her. He rubs gently along Nagini’s chin and body, drawing contented noises from her. He murmurs some nonsense about how lovely her colouring is and she somehow manoeuvres the majority of her body into his lap and around him, praising him for his warmth. It’s, unexpectedly, really nice.

“Why,” Voldemort calls from the doorway, sounding just the tiniest bit perplexed. “Are there two dozen loaves of bread?”

Whoops.

(A long, hard road)

[universestreasures]

A Dragon's Reservations (Drabble)

Extension / Spinoff Of This Thread With @shachou

"Thanks for helping tuck me in, Tasuku." The youngest Kaiba speaks, offering the other a weak but genuine smile of thankfulness. Even if his friend's efforts were not quite to his preferences (they were a bit too tight), Mokuba still appreciated the effort. "I...I was never quite good at it. I've always had...help with it."

"You're welcome." Tasuku reacts with smile of his own, a hand gripping the door's knob as he slowly began to close it. "Rest well and good night, Mokuba. If you need anything, don't be afraid to call for us. We'll be right there with you."

Yet again, that reminder is given. It's something that Tasuku's made a point to say over the past few weeks his friend's been here. The purpose of it was to sway any doubts the boy had that he was a 'burden' and encourage him to seek help if (or rather inevitably, considering his frequent night terrors) he needed it. After all, he's heard Mokuba beat himself up needlessly enough since his arrival over the idea of being a 'burden', a sight that made his blood boil as much as it made his heart ache because he knew exactly where such things seemed from.

Or rather...he knew exactly from who they stemmed, the very person whose mistakes continued to cause pain to the one he was supposed to protect and cherish, his only remaining family who cherished him despite the blood on his hands and his many sins...

Kaiba Seto.

Upon closing the door to his bedroom that he was letting Mokuba borrow, he moves to go outside. Fresh air was key in helping him calm himself when he could feel himself getting tense, such tension coming from the anger that was practically waiting to rise from his chest. He goes to the roof of his apartment, stopping to look up at the serenity of the beautiful stars and crescent moon as he breathes in and out slowly. Looking at them, especially the moon, always made him feel calmer for some reason, the lights in the darkness that seemed to always surround him in one way or another.

Sadly, they did little to help this time. The more he sat and looked at them, the more the grip of his negative emotions, his anger, his rage, take hold on his heart and mind. Tasuku promised himself he wouldn't show that side of him in front of his friend, for that would just make things worse, but that meant that the effects of all that repressing he had been doing were taking hold now, with those very repressed feelings bubbling back up to the surface that can be visibly seen by the shaking of a clenched fist.

One might think such feelings of intense disdain for someone you've never met before were unbelievable. Despite being friends with Mokuba for about a year now, he's actually never once met his brother directly. Though, that doesn't mean he hasn't ever seen the CEO in person, or more specifically, hasn't ever seen his direct actions and the effect they have on his younger brother.

Even now as he stood there on the roof, his memories of that day were vivid, replaying in his mind like a perfect video recording. It was a key day in his memory, but not for a good reason. For it was the very day he saw Kaiba Seto's ugliness and cruel heart slowly reveal itself, with innocents, including his own kin, being at the mercy of his cruel and twisted 'games'.

--------------------

After several long weeks of searching, he managed to get his hands on what he had been looking for. It was an invitation to the hottest and most exclusive gaming event Domino had seen yet: the opening ceremonies of Kaiba Land, the first theme park of its kind in Japan, hosted by the Kaiba Corporation. Though, it wasn't his joy of games that brought him to seek out an invitation. Instead it was, of course, his work, something that always took precedence even over his own desires. Yes he had been tasked by Commander I to investigate the event that had been surrounded in many rumors that were of interest to the Buddy Police, specifically ones that may pertain to dangerous games having been secretly built in a place meant for children.

Why was he doing this mission solo? Simple. All of the invited guests to the event were children and only children. No adults who were not employees were permitted in. So, Tasuku had no choice but to go it alone, something he was honestly okay with. Him being on his own, while certainly increased the risk, made him able to do his job much easier. Plus, it would help him maintain his cover, considering he was entering this under a different identity.

Thankfully, he managed to cling to the large crowd of kids who rushed into the facility as soon as it opened after having shown his invitation. Being lost in a crowd made him a lot harder to track, ruby hues eying all the suited security men around the facility. If he was to make any moves, he needs to be careful. While he does have Jack as an ultimate last resort to aid him, the last thing either of them wants is to reveal the dragon's existence needlessly. Doing so could cause a disaster with unforeseen consequences.

So, he opted for the strategy to search the facility from top to bottom while everyone was seemingly busy with the opening ceremony. He went from facility to facility to test out each and every game for any potential signs of danger. Much to his surprise and relief, none of the games he looked at had anything out of the ordinary with them in terms of potential hazards. The closest thing was the realism of the regular virtual reality simulator, but there seemed to be some warnings associated with it, at least.

Were the rumors just rumors after all? Tasuku can't be sure. These areas were publically accessible. If there were illegal, dangerous tech, surely they wouldn't put it out in the open. That's when he remembers he has yet to enter the tower where the opening ceremony had been taking place. Could that be where it was?

With a swift turn, he exits the arcade area he had examined and goes towards the tower instead. Apparently, the action was now on the fourth floor, as indicated by a screen outside the stairwell that now displayed 'Death T 4' in progress'. Just the name 'Death T' was enough to set off his instincts that this is what he was looking for, and after taking a moment to climb up the stairs and enter the stands, his suspicions were proven correct almost immediately.

For what he bore witness to was unlike anything he'd ever seen before, a display that would forever be burned into his heart and ignite his righteous green flames of justice.

Tasuku's eyes scanned over the stadium that was erupting in shock, all seemingly focused on the live image of Kaiba Seto, the CEO of Kaiba Corporation. The Buddy Police Boy Wonder was fully aware of who he was due to his reputation in the gaming world. There were some who said he'd never lost a game before in his life. There were also some who said he was responsible for the death of the previous CEO, Kaiba Gozaboru, a rumor no one could verify the truth of.

"I've been waiting for you, Yugi! Good job. I've gotten bored of these amusements."

"Amusements?"

"Take that path to the elevator and rise to the final stage!"

"I will! Don't you go anywhere! You'll get your game all right, Kaiba!"

That's when Tasuku takes a look around the rest of the space, noticing the colossal fight box in the middle. There he sees a taller boy outside of it (who he presumed was this 'Yugi' Kaiba referred to) and a small child on the inside. Judging by it, it seems the younger of the two had just been defeated in a game of some kind, seemingly an obstacle in Yugi's path to advancement.

But...that wasn't just any child in there. That was...

"Kaiba Mokuba, the Capsule Monsters Chess champion...And the very same person Lady Suzuha mentioned she lost contact with six months ago..."

It was one of those things the heiress mentioned to him during one of their recent encounters. She mentioned that if he ever ran into him, as such a thing might happen due to his line of work, to give her an update on his condition. Thank goodness an innocent like her wasn't here to witness this (little did he know such a thing was intentional on the younger Kaiba's part).

"I've felt your pathetic, clinging, loser's gaze...staring at my back for years...I kept telling you and over over, Mokuba...If you play with fire you'll get burned..."

Even though he can't hear Mokuba's reaction due to the box not being mic'd, Tasuku can just see and feel the fear from what his brother said. He knew nothing about the brother's relationship, but that didn't matter to him. As someone who had a very strong sense of family, he very much despised any mistreatment of a family member, blood or otherwise. Just seeing this cruelty got his blood boiling, but it truly exploded in fury at what would come next.

"You understand, don't you? Only the winner is allowed out of that duel box!" A button is pressed, one that seems to activate some kind of 'smoke' inside the enclosed space in which Mokuba was trapped. "A Penalty Game awaits the loser!! That is the Law of 'Death T'!!"

"A Penalty Game?!" The phrase echoes in his mind as his body is paralyzed as the display unfolds. Virtual projections more realistic than those he saw on the simulator came to life and caused the one trapped inside to scream and cower in absolute terror for his life. "This...This must be what our lead was about! If this was the fourth stage, then that means there must have been more of these dangerous games and punishments on the earlier 'Death T' stages!"

He could feel his body temperature rising and his breath heavying as he watched the torture go on, the sight triggering what appeared to be a panic attack. He normally made a point to try hold himself together while on a job, to steel himself so it wouldn't hold him back but...nothing could have prepared him for what he he was looking at. Seeing Kaiba Mokuba defenseless and calling out for help (presumably for his brother) reminds him of his own experiences when he was stranded on that mountain shortly after the Disaster, calling out for his family to save him and bring him home.

If Jack hadn't come to save him that day, he surely would have perished...just like Kaiba Mokuba might if no one comes to save him from his brother's cruel act...

Realizing that fact causes him to try and take action despite his physical symptoms. Anything was better than doing nothing. He ran through the bleachers, shoving past everyone to try and reach the bottom. With his physical prowess, he just might be able to jump off the bottom and reach the center platform. However, he stops at the edge as soon as the voice of someone else rings through, filled with heroic courage.

"Mokuba!!! Mokuba...take my hand!!"

And there the Buddyfighter bears witness to Yugi, a victim in this entire messed-up creation of the CEO of Kaiba Corporation, go in and drag Kaiba Mokuba out, saving his life and sanity in the process. A wave of relief washes through Tasuku at the sight of the two outside the chamber, his heart still racing through his chest. That demonstration right there gave the officer a large amount of respect for the gamer, who saved his opponent from the penalty of his loss of the game between them. That show of sportsmanship and kindness wasn't often seen in situations such as these with high stakes. Muto Yugi is someone he'll personally have to keep his eye on for certain.

As the amethyst-eyed gamer leaves for his fated battle on the next floor, Tasuku shifts his attention back to the robed boy kneeling on the ground, shaking and sobbing after having experienced such a horrific thing at his brother's hands. Watching him in that state causes his hands to curl into fists at his sides, his body now shaking not in panic but instead in sheer anger that was akin to a dragon's as he bores his fangs behind gritted teeth.

"Kaiba Seto...To think you would stoop so low as to bring harm to your own family...And turn games that are supposed to bring people together in friendly competition and fun into nothing more than death traps..."

"I'll never forgive you for this..."

"I'll never forgive you!!!!!"

--------------------

Those words of anger, the ones that echoed his feelings that still remain today, are the last he hears before he is brought back to the present by the golden light of a Buddyfight card. Jack manifests from his pocket before the boy in his mini form, the dragon's golden eyes showing deep concern. Seems he felt the rage in Tasuku's heart too as the officer was spilling it out in waves after having been buried for so long.

"Jack...I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you. I'm doing fi-"

"Tasuku, you don't need to hide what you're feeling from me." The dragon cuts the boy off, his words stopping Tasuku's completely. "We're not just buddies, remember? We're family. The day you took me in and accepted me as a part of your own family, your loads became my loads; ones I share with you gladly. So please, please tell me what is on your mind. Although, I have an idea as to what or rather...who it might be."

A sigh escapes the boy's lips. For he knew well there was no arguing when it came to his only remaining family. Deep down, he knew how unhealthy it was to keep these feelings of his bottled up so tightly, wisdom he's given to others in the past to not do. He'd be a hypocrite if he didn't follow his own advice.

"I just...I just can't...I just can't get over the anger I feel when I think about what he's done..."He is clenching his fist now, trying to stabilize himself as he speaks his heart to his most trusted ally. "I don't care if he had a rough past, like Mokuba's said over and over. I don't care if Mokuba forgave him, wanting to try to move forward. No one...No one has the right to emotionally, physically, and psychologically damage their own brother, who did nothing but try to make him happy..."

Everything Mokuba did back then during the time of his separation from Lady Suzuha, all of it had been for the sake of his brother, who ignored and rejected him. He thought that there was no other way to get even an ounce of the happiness and love he once knew unless he also stained his hands. The fact he thought he even had to do such a thing just made Tasuku even more furious. How could anyone be so cruel?

"Then, after it was claimed that he had changed and presumably learned from his past sins, he yells at his brother so harshly and with such animosity to the point of Mokuba running away from home! And for what? Just expressing how he was feeling, like any normal person does? That's not even to mention what he's put so many others through for the sake of his own selfish reasons..."

He has yet to forget about both 'events' Kaiba hosted, 'Death-T' and Battle City, and how they both endangered the lives of innocent multiple times. He's put people into death games. He's kidnapped, lied, and stolen. He's created a trap for dangerous criminals in the form of a tournament that made the entire city a battlefield, without even consulting the Buddy Police. Need he say more?

"Your feelings towards him are understandable, Tasuku. I do not disagree with them. Kaiba Seto has committed actions that are unforgivable. However..." He pauses for a moment, flying over so his golden eyes are looking directly into Tasuku's rubies. "I do think, considering the boy's worsening condition, it might be time to consider a change in our approach to aid him."

"You're talking about what Gao suggested earlier today, aren't you?" He asked, Jack nodding his head in response.

"I understand your reservations about the idea, but...our top priority is to help your friend recover from the nightmares and fear that plague his heart and mind. And if we cannot do so effectively, then we must get the aid of the one who cares for-"

"If he really cared about his brother's well-being, don't you think he would have been here by now to see him?" His words cut off the dragon's, Tasuku's fist continuing to be curled tightly. "Even if he thought he'd be of no help or potentially make things worse, doing something is better than doing nothing at all. And no, sending one of his employees to spy on Mokuba does not count. That's not what Mokuba wants or needs."

"So...you do agree with the notion that the boy needs his brother to truly get through this, then?"

"Yes. We can only do so much without getting to the root of the problem directly."

"Then why did you tell Gao that you disagreed with the idea to begin with?"

"I told Gao that I disagreed with the idea of one of us bringing Kaiba Seto here. I never said I opposed him coming here on his own." Honestly, if he had, this might had been resolved already. "There's a difference between giving someone space and just not taking action. He's clearly staying away because he knows he's the problem, but by doing so, he's not taking responsibility or taking action to try and resolve this. And because of that, Mokuba is now too afraid to even try to contact him, leading to his anxieties and nightmares worsening."

Considering his past experiences, such a reaction from the boy wasn't surprising. He's gotten yelled at for expressing himself before. It only made sense he'd be afraid to do so again, especially after his own actions of running away from his home.

"He needs to be ready and willing to have a true conversation in order to resolve this, not just one to pacify Mokuba and sweep the issue under the rug. That will just make things worse for them both in the future."

This tactic, he suspects, was probably used in the past, considering how both seemingly moved on from the 'Death T' incident so quickly despite its intensity and lingering aftereffects. After all, Tasuku has no doubt Mokuba's recurring nightmares and PTSD symptoms are a consequence of that day. He's heard him almost confirm it himself in what he's mumbled while tossing and turning in his sleep.

"However, to prepare himself accordingly for that, he has his own demons he needs to battle within his heart, just like Mokuba's been doing since he got here. Until he can steel his resolve, win that internal struggle, and come to his own answer that he is ready and willing to share, then it's best he stay far, far away from here. I refuse to have Mokuba suffer any more than he has already..."

"Tasuku..."

Tasuku then moves exists the rooftop to return back inside the apartment, with Jack following suit. After entering the space, he moves to check his friend's phone he had left on the counter to charge. He then picks it up, ruby hues now staring in the face of a photograph of the two brothers that had been made the wallpaper, one of the pair at the construction site for Kaiba Land USA.

"What Mokuba really needs is that big brother he talks so highly of, not a selfish coward who can't own up to his own mistakes or talk things out without resorting to shouting like a child." The internal thought is accompanied by him placing the device down, a hand moving to cross over his heart as he makes yet another silent oath to himself. "And until Kaiba Seto can get his act together and become that person again, it's up to me to fill in that role as best I can in his stead, no matter how long it takes..."

[inadvisablebutinevitable]

the way that Andrew and Neil and Jean all have this incredibly intense codependent relationship with Kevin that’s based off of mutual trauma or binding promises, and then there’s just Jeremy who’s like… “Kevin is my buddy! 😁 We text! 🤗 Kevin you crazy fool! 😜

[mazzystar24]

Being a psychology nerd and engaging in fandom actually makes my eye twitch sometimes because terms are constantly being used wrong to diss people or characters and also people will act like they know every experience a mentally ill person can have just based off a small sample of what they’ve seen and they’ll use that to disregard storylines or people’s opinions or spec

So some things guys that may be an unintentional call out or reassurance for your spec:

Hallucinations CAN be auditory and visual simultaneously (multi modal it can even be tactile, somatic olfactory or gustatory) and there is actually a very high prevalence of this in a lot of disorders and are actually thought to occur more frequently than unimodal hallucinations, and yes it can be in the form of full blown conversations with people that aren’t there and they can be extremely elaborate and complex especially if paired with delusions- so yes the possibility that Kim is a hallucination and we are just seeing it from Eddie’s pov is valid spec so stop being dismissive to people

Also for my brain tumour truthers- a brain tumour is a little complicated when it comes to hallucinations cos it really depends where the tumour is and what regions are effected because for example an occipital lobe tumour is more likely to just cause visual hallucinations- but multimodal hallucinations due to a brain tumour is also possible, a brain tumour also comes with other symptoms too but a lot can be consistent with the spec like for example impulsivity or disinhibition, delusions, aggression (if the buddie divorce is true that works), anxiety, depression, etc.

Trauma bonding is something that occurs in ABUSIVE situations where you start to feel sympathy and love for your abuser it’s not when people bond over trauma - so no what buck and Eddie or buck and Chris have is very much not a trauma bond

Gaslighting isn’t just lying to someone it’s intentionally manipulating them to the extent that they doubt their own sanity (the term coming from a play turned movie where a husband drives his wife crazy by like screwing with the gas lights in their house when she’s alone to make her doubt her memory and her perception of reality) - so no Eddie is not GASLIGHTING buck when he lies to him 😭😭

Codependency is also just not what Eddie and buck have, they don’t base their entire lives on each other and they don’t like have an unhealthy dynamic or have an imbalanced relationship, now yes they both had times when they needed the other to be there for them or help them through stuff or aid their self worth but overall they more so just want to be around each other not that they NEED to and they work on themselves separately like going to therapy by themselves while also supporting eachother by helping out while they do that

[motziedapul]

I didn't submit propaganda for the ACAB sexy podcast character vote for Donner and Murphy

but I do wanna talk about how if you like unhealthily codependent buddy cops where one has held onto unrequited feelings for over a decade and has a nasty case of self worth issues (the issues being that he doesn't have any) and has hidden these feelings under a veneer of an unending Hot Gay Summer and quippy, charming flirtation so he can pretend he doesn't hate himself

While the other has been holding onto the trauma of losing his first boy crush to a horrific supernatural event that's made him unable to emotionally open up beyond buddy cop levels of friendship for 24 years of his life as he continues his lifelong crusade to find answers to supernatural murders across the city

Then listen to Hi Nay 🫶🏾 we're only on the tip of the iceberg of how messy these two are gonna be 🙂‍↕️🏳️‍🌈

[v8mpvrse]

saw and edit of buck and t*mmy with Jealousy Jealousy by olivia rodrigo and lowkey…..makes sm sense bc the entire time tommy was trying to get with eddie (the trips, the basketball etc etc after knowing eddie what two days? less?) then he goes to bucks (i think to apologize for whatever he did bc since he’s yk trying to get with eddie he CANNOT have eddies codependent bsf hate him or his chances are gone ykwim 😭) then he gets with buck and now he’s getting laid while also being able to hang out with eddie and not cause suspicion yk like ‘oh look how chill tommy is with the BuckAndEddie thing’ ENTIRE TIME HIS ASS WANTS TO B E BUCK AND BE W I T H EDDIE.

and now with gerrard being buddy buddy with buck (against his will god pls free evan buckley jfc) and buck saying yes bc of the fucked up guilt thing…..timtam over there might not take this so well……

either way point is tommy never wanted buck and dude. with bucks traumas and dating history THIS WILL HIT HIM BAD DR.COPELAND PLS PULL UP LORD JESUS like we saw with taylor even if his partner isnt liked by his circle or hurt buck in some way or is just a shitty person buck will ALWAYS feel hurt bc that’s who buck is he LOVES HARD he loves with his everything and to be a consolation prize? to be lied to? to not be someone buck can trust?…..we’ve seen this film before and me and eddie have the popcorn ready as well as ice cream and tissues

[sweetcloverheart]

You know, thinking about it some more, by "Derision"'s own premise - Marinette should have absolutely hated (or at least distrusted) Adrien day one regardless of the Umbrella apology, because him being friends with Chloe would have been the major issue/deal breaker. The moment she hears he's Chloe's childhood friend, she would have been doing utmost to avoid him at every turn despite him being so nice to her (After all, Kim was nice to her too, and look what happened there) because all the apparent deepseated trauma Chloe's prank left her.

Also, by extension, the class would have distrusted him too (and Kim maybe)? This is a dude that's apparently besties with the girl who's been harassing them for years and made their beloved favorite classmate go through a super traumatizing event the year before. A good majority of Adrien's first few months at Francois Dupount should have been the miraclass all avoiding him and playing interference whenever he tried to interact with Marinette, with the only minor exceptions being Nino (Who is the goodest of boys and also wasn't in the same class as Mari and Co when it happened but really should know regardless considering Chloe videotaped it and put it online?), Alya (Who just transferred in and likely wouldn't know what's happening either), and Chloe+Sabrina (The former of whom is more than happy that the losers are keeping away from her precious Adrichou! More of him for her then!). (And maybe also Kim? He probably sees it as Adrien going through what he did after the prank and deciding to buddy up/help him out since "nobody here knows how to take a joke")

Meanwhile, Adrien would feel so confused and isolated because his class all just hates him for some reason and he has no clue what he might of did to make them all mad at him? And it just makes school feel like home except 100 times worst because at least he (thinks he) knows why his dad often ignores and avoids him. And speaking of, he can't go to him about the problem because he'll just use the class's actions as an excuse to lock him back up in the manor for homeschool because it just "proves" he was completely right about Adrien not being safe at public school, and Chloe's no good either because her "help" (i.e Calling daddy or the principal to take away a class privilege or get a trip/activity cancelled those mean losers made her precious Adrien sad - so fix it or else!) ends up just worsening the divide, so he's basically on his own except for Plagg (who sadly can't really intervene in a way that would actually solve the issue). It also ends up funneling into making his crush on Ladybug 220% more codependent because it's literally one of the very few relationships he has where he isn't being treated like a leaper, idol, or a nuisance...except it turns out she also hates Adrien - but that's fine, because Chat Noir hates Adrien too! Dude's just the worst, don't you think my lady? So everything fine because they can hate Adrien together and bond through that (self hatred and poor coping mechanisms go brrr~)!

Basically the first 2 and a half seasons should have played out like an "Enemies!AU" where Marinette and most of the Miraclass is convinced Adrien is Chloe's new vice chief bully and act accordingly as Adrien desperately tries (and fails) to make friends and figure out why everyone dislikes him so much, while the Ladynoir side has the two bonding over how much they hate that lame blonde modeling twink from the magazines.

...Ah crap, now I want to make an AU.

[marc--chilton]

alison absolutely divorces the fuck out of lawrence but could you imagine if they didn't. but lawrence and adam were still super codependent after the Bathroom (and also adam lives. obviously. delusion) so he's just Also There. imagine the hijinks.

ah yes. me. my husband. and his five and a half foot tall codependent trauma buddy

[seaweed-water]

yes chef part two -> dying on the pass, 243k, series complete, explicit

alternate universe - human, alternate universe – celebrity, chef derek hale, food critic stiles stilinski, enemies to lovers, angst, fluff, smut, angst with a happy ending, hurt/comfort, alcohol abuse/alcoholism, addiction, light dom/sub, daddy kink, service kink, praise kink, top/bottom versatile derek hale/stiles stilinski, power bottom stiles stilinski, dom stiles stilinski, sub derek hale, derek hale is a good boy, stiles stilinski hates derek hale, derek hale loves stiles stilinski, fuckboy stiles stilinski, pining, jealous derek hale, pov alternating, fuck buddies, complicated relationships, this gets really messy, not what it looks like, codependency, unhealthy relationships, trauma, they are literally obsessed with each other, derek hale in panties, spanking, subspace, healing sex, dacryphilia, orgasm edging, pet names

[milkyetoile]

after this great post by @thesherrinfordfacility about Crowley and Aziraphale’s domestic, it got me thinking about the beautiful contrast between the relationships shown in season 2. it was such a great juxtaposition, a chiaroscuro in writing that seriously left me in awe and ruin, not just from what happened but for how the relationships were laid out in writing.

so here’s an essay on the romance in S2, written by your local arospec lesbian

Gabriel/Beelzebub

essentially, I think this was the “ideal” romance. two beings who were in high positions on opposite sides, having secret meetings to complain about their sides and then falling in love to Buddy Holly’s Everyday…there was an understanding at every meeting that they probably wouldn’t have reasons to meet anymore after they agreed, but they kept meeting anyway. they fell in love in the process until Gabriel placed his memories in the fly that Beelzebub gave him, after getting in trouble for not wanting to continue with armageddon't. and when the whole mystery was solved, they immediately agreed that they just wanted to be together and they did do that. they go off to Alpha Centauri to live happily ever after and both Heaven and Hell will probably leave them alone (probably).

I say it’s ideal because it’s like a movie or book romance. two people meet, get to know each other and fall in love, then conflict!! but once it’s resolved, they get together with a sappy ending. to be clear, I have 0 complaints with this, I’ve shipped them since s1 and they were cute in s2…but I also love how it was set up like the kind of romance both Aziraphale and Crowley were visualizing previously.

Nina/Maggie

this relationship was more realistic and healthier. Nina was in a horrible relationship with an emotionally manipulative partner (kinda parallel to Aziraphale’s experience with Heaven) and Maggie’s a disaster lesbian smitten with her. Maggie tries to make a move on Nina then finds out that Nina already has a partner, then Nina’s partner breaks up with her. then our two favorite idiots try to meddle and matchmake her with Maggie for the sake of the ruse. things go pear-shaped with them getting involved because Maggie wanted to help Aziraphale. but once everything’s done, Maggie and Nina actually talk about things and agreed not to start a relationship because Nina wanted to heal first after her breakup. and they agreed that after that, if Maggie was still interested (which she swore she would be), then they would try.

it was more realistic because they’re humans like us. part of what makes humans such pivotal parts of the story is that we have shorter lifespans that result in an “urgency” in comparison to the non-humans. striving for success, loving people–being on essentially a time limit motivates us to be a lot more direct and straightforward when the situation calls for it. humans have to grow to get what they want. and so, Maggie and Nina, as mature adults, decide to communicate properly and it ends with them not being together yet but having an understanding and being on the same page–a better foundation for romance than what Aziraphale and Crowley imagined for them.

Aziraphale/Crowley

this is the complicated, messy relationship with a generous heaping of unhealthy codependency and unresolved trauma. the slowest of burns, 6,000 years of knowing each other, and yet neither of them really talk. they’ve made some progress since armaggenah. they’ve both been more open in comparison to S1, they have been trying. but 6,000 years of dealing with their individual trauma plus being on opposite sides and needing layers of subterfuge and denial to even have a semblance of friendship…on top of that were the events of arma-fucking-geddon and the aftermath (which included COVID among other things, mind you)–4 or 5 years in comparison is nothing. they were just adjusting and getting comfortable in the new status quo…cranking up the engine, so to say. throughout s2, they both made assumptions about each other. they both clearly talk about wanting to be together but they had different ideas of how that would look like. they were on the same page for a mere sentence then ended up on different books altogether, so to say.

anyway, I’m losing my point bc it’s 5 am here and I’m finally getting sleepy…but it took them a time limit of the apocawhoops for their relationship to progress significantly. and another catastrophe plus a literal intervention from Maggie and Nina for further progress. then, when they’re finally completely honest about what they want between the two of them, it’s when they have two opposing ideas. and those said ideas tie back to their individual trauma and fundamental parts of their characters…honestly, as much as I’d love for them to end up together, they need time apart to grow, Heaven’s interference notwithstanding (looking at you, Metatron). ironically, Aziraphale says, “nothing lasts forever” yet their idea of forever is much longer than humans’ and that resulted in stagnation.

truthfully, I think this was also quite realistic. some relationships don’t work out due to various factors. you could find the person you’d be most compatible with in the world and still end up separating if you’re not emotionally ready. love is incredibly complicated and messy.

Final thoughts:

the ending of this season fucking hurts but honestly, I loved it. I personally love these kinds of stories. and the direction of those final scenes was just…*chef’s kiss*

I’ve rewatched that last scene with them at least 5 times already. am I a masochist? probably lol but seeing their minute expressions really digs in the knife more and I love it.

special mention to Michael Sheen’s acting during and after the kiss, like make it hurt more, why don’t you??

I really loved the juxtaposition and parallels between these relationships. beautifully done, I wish I could write like that. I didn’t think I could respect the phenomenal writers more but here we are.

if you need me, I will be spending the next few days rewatching S2 and reading and possibly writing fanfiction. we'll see.

[theonceandfuturequeenoftarts]

Happy anniversary, VII

I cannot believe it's been a whole year since I posted VII. I wrote and posted it at a pretty dark time for me, and figured it'd be a weird little oneshot that some people might like but would ultimately just kind of. exist.

That is not what happened. I'm still overwhelmed by the response it got. To the folks who loved it and left such wonderful comments, you will never know how much that mattered to me -- and still matters to me. And to everyone who has shared their love for the sequel or helped build that world with me, thank you all so, so much. It's been so fun and such a thrill to see your reactions and your support for my codependent trauma buddies.

I was really hoping to have a new chapter of A long, hard road to post today, but the brain is just not braining right now. Fingers crossed for March 19 (the anniversary of ALHR)!

If you haven't read VII/ALHR, you can read them here: Your legs give way, you hit the ground

I cursed my readers with this snippet, so now Tumblr gets cursed too. (If you haven't read any of it yet, this is not indicative of the fic whatsoever):

Maybe-canon-but-probably-not omake: Because no one has any chill whatsoever “Okay, so you think it’s romantic that he would, like, literally sew you two together if he could. We’re going to ignore how weird that is for the moment.” “Ronald…” “But mate, he’s a giant, skeletal snake-man. You can’t honestly say you find him attractive.” Harry mutters something under his breath that sounds a little too much like, “Oh, can’t I?” for his friends’ tastes. “Is this some problematic holdover of your infatuation with the diary horcrux?” Hermione asks as Harry sputters and turns bright red. “No!” he shouts. And, after a suspicious delay, “And I wasn’t ‘infatuated’ with the diary!” Ron and Hermione both give him a look at that. Traitors. “Psychologists would fight to the death for the chance to sort through all your issues, Harry.” “Sy-ko-wha?” “Good to know if I ever decide to hold gladiatorial contests,” Harry says dryly. The topic of conversation dies out for a couple minutes before Ron turns back to Harry and looks him dead in the eye. “So, given the chance – you would bang the snake-man?” Hermione puts her head in her hands and regrets several life choices. Harry sighs. “Like a screen door in a hurricane.” Ron chokes on air.  “Harry!” “He asked!”

[drarryandtomarryfanfics]

(Random) Must Read Drarry & Tomarry Fanfics

i know ive no excuse as to why it’s been so long since i last post – i was busy with life yknow & at some point i thought that my Drarry/Tomarry time was done but noooo – these knuckleheads just dont want to leave me alone, no matter what fandom ive joined – Drarry/Tomarry fandom would always be my safespace & comfort space & i would always come back home to them SO im back & hopefully may be of service again – so my fellow drarry/tomarry lovers heres some random drarry&tomarry fics that certainly help me get back to reading ! enjoy lovelies ♡

drarry fics :

Running on Air by eleventy7

Platform : AO3

Tags : Alternate Universe – Canon Divergence, Broken Draco Malfoy, Broken Harry Potter, Angst, So much Angst, Involvement of Time-Turners, Time-traveling Gone Wrong, Draco Malfoy needs a Hug, Harry Potter needs a Hug, Quidditch Superstar Ginny Weasley, Mystery, Drama, Friendship, Slow Burn, Romance, etc.

( Rated T, 74,880 words, multichapter, completed )

Draco Malfoy has been missing for three years. Harry is assigned the cold case and finds himself slowly falling in love with the memories he collects.

THIS IS A MASTERPIECE & IT’S UR LOST IF U STILL HAVEN’T READ IT BECAUSE IT’S SUPERB. THIS FIC GIVES U THE FEELS & ARGH JUST READ THE DAMN THING !!!

The Body Keeps Score by Anonymous

Platform : AO3

Tags : Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst and Porn, Porn with Feelings, Mutual Pining, enemies to fuck buddies to lovers, sorta - Freeform, more like, enemies to fuck buddies to friends to lovers, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Trauma, Healing, Boundaries, Falling In Love, Touch, exploring the parameters of consent, Drarry being Drarry, etc.

( Rated E, 13,571 words, oneshot, completed )

Draco cries during sex.

A story about touch, intimacy, and the healing we find through mutual trust and love.

✨feels✨

Worth Losing Sleep Over by MelCalder

Platform : AO3

Tags : Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, PWP, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Alpha Draco Malfoy, Omega Harry Potter, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Self-Lubrication, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, First Time, Loss of Virginity, Knotting, Scared Harry, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Mildly Dubious Consent, Smut, Humor, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, kind of, A Pinch of Angst, etc.

( Rated E, 9,491 words, oneshot, completed )

Draco is kind of exhausted, but some things are worth losing sleep over. And study time.

It’s been so long since ive last read abo trope featuring our boys & well, i want more.

One Day’s Difference by MelCalder

Platform : AO3

Tags : Fluff, Established Relationship, non-graphic birth, Pregnant Draco Malfoy, Midwife Luna Lovegood, Vaginal Birth, Draco Malfoy has an artificial vagina, Smitten Harry Potter, Eccentric Draco Malfoy, etc.

( Rated E, 10,307 words, oneshot, completed )

Draco’s sacrifices his god-given body and has (mostly) no regrets.

if u want to read realistic depiction of a pregnant (mpreg) Draco then fucking read this shit

tommary fics :

Holly & Yew by LovelyLotus

Platform : AO3

Tags : Childhood Friends, Magically Powerful Harry Potter, Eventual Healer Harry Potter, Wool's Orphanage (Harry Potter), Smart Harry Potter, Possessive Tom Riddle, Child Abuse, Master of Death Harry Potter, Historical Inaccuracy, Time Travel, Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Growing Up Together, Possessive Behavior, Smitten Tom Riddle, Parseltongue, Soul Bond, Codependency, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Harry is bad at eating because the Dursleys suck, 1930s, 1940s, World War II, Future Power Couple in the Making, Self-Harm, They are besotted with each other, Animal Death, Slow burn but very Tom and Harry centric, minor necromancy, Tom Riddle Loves Harry Potter, Harry Potter Loves Tom Riddle, Childhood Sweethearts, Harry Potter & Tom Riddle Attend Hogwarts Together, Ambiguous Romantic Relationships, Their relationship will be pretty lovey-dovey from the start, Oblivious Harry Potter, Unhealthy Relationships, First Year: Complete, Second Year: Complete, Homophobia, etc.

( Rated M, 214,621 words, multi-chaptered, ongoing )

After a bout of accidental magic when Harry is six, Vernon goes too far. When Harry wakes up, he is gravely wounded and more than fifty years in the past in another world. After some shuffling, Harry ends up at Wool's. There, he meets Tom Riddle, his mysterious roommate, eventual best friend, and the love of his life.

Inspired by a doctor he meets in the past, Harry is determined to go into medicine and protect other children like himself and Tom. Tom has his own dream of becoming Prime Minister. The boys quickly become inseparable and are determined to help each other down their paths to build a life together.

He wanted Harry. He had never coveted anyone this much.

Tom understood now that some part of him had never given up on having a… friend. Someone who understood him more than anyone else. Someone who would always take his side.

In a flash, he knew he would do anything to have Harry Faye’s loyalty.

this is a widely known fic nowadays, ive seen it being on the top recommendation list on many platform.. & it’s totally worth the hype 🖤

to have and to hold by partakeninwitchery

Platform : AO3

Tags : Auror Harry Potter, Minister for Magic Tom Riddle, Established Relationship, Domestic Fluff, at least i think it is, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Obscurials (Harry Potter), only mentioned you don't meet her, Sane Tom Riddle, as sane as he can be anyway, harry too tbh, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, No Boy-Who-Lived (Harry Potter), Alternate Universe - No Voldemort, tom could've tho, etc.

( Rated ?, 2,531 words, oneshot, completed )

“Everything alright, Harry?” Tom said, walking into the kitchen.

Harry froze where he was bringing the cup of hot tea to his lips, he’d thought Tom would be at work until late. He slowly put the mug back down, gritting his teeth through the twinges of pain moving his arm caused. He could only hope his husband didn’t recognise the faint smell of a pain potion mixed in his tea.

just tom being overprotective over harry – nothing to take seriously, except tom took everything to personal matters (hahahaha)

The Darkening of Your Soul by Maeglin_Yedi

Platform : AO3

Tags : Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Do-Over, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Eventual Smut, Eventual Happy Ending, Master of Death Harry Potter, Bottom Harry, Morally Grey Harry Potter, Consensual Underage Sex, eventually, Sane Tom Riddle, Possessive Tom Riddle, Top Tom Riddle, Idiots in Love, Harry Potter is a Horcrux, Harry Potter is So Done, Harry Potter is a Brat, Harry Potter is Bad at Feelings, BAMF Neville Longbottom, Neville Longbottom is a Good Friend, Manipulative Albus Dumbledore, Misguided Albus Dumbledore, Angst and Humor, Maybe some character bashing, Slytherin Harry Potter, Good Slytherins, Slytherins Being Slytherins, Oblivious Harry Potter, Sane Voldemort, Somewhat Good Voldemort, Harry Potter is the Heir to the House of Black, POV Harry Potter, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Mental Health Issues, Past Child Abuse, etc.

( Rated M, 260,497 words, multi-chaptered, ongoing )

Harry is betrayed. Harry gets a second chance to do it all over again.

There is just one catch. If Harry gets to keep his memories from his previous life, so does Voldemort.

THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING TOMARRY FICS I’VE EVER READ HANDSDOWN ! like it gives u hindsight & how butterfly effects works & so on ! this fic deserves all the attention it gets really ! Oh, & tommy boy has blue eyes in here – that wasn't s crucial information but i can’t stop thinking abt that

[yannaryartside]

I want Carmy to have a best friend.

Besides Sydney.

I have been trying to find this gif, but there is a moment in 2x08 when Carmy is talking to Sydney about where to buy some product. He mentioned, "Yeah, my buddy from high school, he is running an Ibero account," and I went: "bitch you lying. Weren't you a total loner in high school?" he probably just wanted to sound better than say, "yeah this guy I know from high school" maybe to pretend to be more "normal." There are multiple scenes that could be evidence of Carmen having not friends at all growing up, not closed ones anyway:

In 1x04, when Cicero is describing his friendship with Carmy's dad, Cicero says, "We had the same problems at the same age, so we had a lot to talk about," and Carmy says, "That sounds nice," like he had never had a person like that in his life. In 2x05, Carmy says, "You always had so many friends, I don't know, I really wanted that." There is a pause here, his eyes moving because it's a big confession, before trying to continue the conversation and saying, "Mickey had that," to top it all, he mentions in his monologue that he thought Mickey was his best friend. After all, Mickey is the one person who knew him best, despite how little Carmy knew about Mickey. Here is the thing: Carmy still doesn't have any friends. Richie is not a friend. He is more like an older brother, somebody that can scold him. They are not equals. Most of the figures in Carmy's life are authority figures/relatives.

You may argue that Sydney is his friend, and she is, but he hasn't referred to her as his "partner" (business) yet, and I think there may be something behind it. His trauma dumps on her; he shares a passion for cooking with her, but they are not there yet on the emotional stuff. I know they are going to star calling each other friend, or best friend, in future seasons as their relationship grows, but I do not want that responsibility to rely completely on Sydney's shoulder; she is going to be "his person," but I think it may be healthy for Carmy to get a friend that he can talk to besides her, maybe somebody that he can relate to in the things he cannot relate to Sydney. So he can get perspective on things, and find confidence in his value as a "friend" or learn to be a good friend to begin with, to trust deeply on someone. On that note, while consuming fiction, people get this feeling when they see a loner/isolated archetype fall in love with their best friend because he is the "only person who gets them," like some codependency stuff. This will not be the case for Syd and Carmy because he was attracted to her even before they started to connect.

I think Marcus and Carmy don't have that chemistry yet; if there was a chance of them becoming more friends than acquaintances, it would have shown already. This was one of the reasons I was excited to see the new staff, to see if Carmy could get a friend that way. I honestly want Sydney to get some friends too. We don't know much about the staff yet, and there is a position open since they fired that guy.

So here is my wish list: I want somebody Carmy can think of as an equal (not necessarily in the cooking world), but somebody of the same age and preferably with similar issues. Maybe somebody who has tragically lost a dear one or somebody who is in the program (not an addict, that probably would not work, but somebody from a family of addicts). And I want them to have similar interests, like fashion, art, and other stuff. This comes from a person who was really depressed in high school and only started to recognize my own destructive patterns when, one summer, I met my best friend, who was also very wounded and depressed. I had an abusive father, and her classmates harassed her. You see my point here. We held each other through some very dark times. I want that for Carmy, especially when his relationship with Richie (and maybe Sydney) is complicated in what could be arguably the darkest moment in Carmy's life. "The more people I cut out, the quieter my life got," I think he is going there again. That being said, can I suggest somebody? (this is totally a fanfic scenario that I am starting to write to fight writer's block, but here we go).

Listen to me, I know. You don't have to tell me to get over this man. I am currently re-reading Six of Crows as I do once a year.

But here is the idea of the fic. This is Nikola. He is from a russian family (politically persecuted refugees back in the '80s). Ten months before the time of the series, Nikola's father killed somebody in a liquor-induced rage, the victim being the man Nikola's mother was having an affair with. How did the father figure it out? Nikola told him, hoping they could divorce and his father could live with dignity. To make matters worse, Nikola is a lawyer, but after trying to represent his dad, he has a sense of guilt related to his profession, for reasons I explain on the fic. So he tries a new career trying to figure out who he is after this mess, running away from all ot it, and he decides to be a cook, he gets good at the quick stuff (a comi) and the first scene is Carmy hiring him personally (because he wanted to give Sydney a break). Nikola's nickname is "Fox," he is quiet for the most part, serious, and looks perpetually confused and amused by Richie and Fak's shenanigans. Carmy and Nikola start talking about the program for families of alchoholics, and because of Carmy, Nikola goes to his first meeting.

Let me know what you think.

[dualityvn]

What is the relationship like between Keith and Tenebris? Is it closer to buddies or brothers?

Obviously they would be forced into a degree of closeness (sharing a body and thoughts is pretty intimate). And they depend on each other mutually - each tempering the extremes of the other and keeping each other safe.

But as anyone with siblings knows there are subtle differences in the ways people are close. Do they have deep love for each other, is it codependent, or just getting along? Does each man feel a different way?

Do they love each other in a way they make fun and punch the shoulder, or a bit softer, confiding things and comforting the other? Do they fight a lot outside of obvious extremes like one committing housebreaking or murder (serious or just bicker)? Hang out constantly in Keith’s head or when one is in the background they take time to themselves? (Ten being kept inside so much, does having Keith there help a lot at least mentally - I know Ten is touch starved - or is Tenebris still always horribly lonely? What does he have to occupy himself in there?)

Do they resent the arrangement at times still or find it more supportive than facing challenges alone? (Dating difficulties aside.) How much does pranking happen? Is it normal that they get petty and competitive or is that mostly jealousy/friction around competing for MC? Would they choose to separate if it was safe for both or would they not want that now?

A lot of the focus has been on their relationship with MC and less on what it’s like for them in their world.

They're like very close brothers. Though, the way they feel about each other does differ. Generally, they have a playful relationship, but they are also protective of one another.

Keith cares about Tenebris because he's the only person he can be fully honest with. He can act however he pleases without fearing that he will make a mistake. If he wants to be sarcastic, nag him, tease him or complain about something for the next hour, Tenebris won't mind any of it and will have no way of running away in the first place. He can tell him anything and everything and he will always receive comfort and support.

Although Tenebris is older, he greatly admires Keith. Ever since they were young, he took on the role of a teacher and patiently explained everything related to humans after learning it himself from parents and teachers. He's never hated Tenebris for entering his body and causing him so much grief and trauma. So Tenebris looks to him for guidance whenever he needs it. And acts as a guard in return, knowing that Keith doesn't have the courage to harm people who threaten him.

They do like to tease each other from time to time. Bickering and downright fighting happens rarely. MCs arrival in their life was the first time so much conflict was created between the two of them. And they do talk a lot inside the mind if one isn't distracted by something going on outside.

As for separation, they would want it, but they wouldn't want to be apart for good. They'd still try to spend a lot of time together, would come to each other for advice or whenever they feel down and continue to share all of their thoughts honestly.

[deadinsidedressage]

The absolute worst and ironically best turn of events happened to me in 2022 when my abuser started cheating on me. After investing a decade into molding me into the ideal victim who would never speak against him, he got bored with it. I didn't fight back anymore. I absorbed daily verbal attacks. The random violence he would perpetrate didn't spark a reaction. I would just accept it. I was numb. I was walled off. I had internalized the abuse so much and my depression fed into it.

He wanted to get caught. He didn't hide it at all and he let my paranoia over not being good enough (which he practically had told me daily for years) build and build until I was questioning him. He would reassure me he wasn't cheating and I think the way I was constantly anxious was fun for him. Then he essentially left hard evidence out so I'd find it. He wanted to break me and he did.

My multiple, rapid fire suicide attempts after finding out were largely due to the state of psychosis I was in. My 10 day stay in a psych facility did nothing to assist with my psychosis. It then persisted with varying amounts of lucidity for the next month, month and half that my abuser maintained contact with me after I was released into the care of my parents.

In a lot of ways, psychosis is a lot easier to live with than high reactivity PTSD. My path to mental health management post spousal abandonment in a psych facility has had greater volatility than the crypto market. Compulsive hypersexuality as a near impossible to control symptom of my PTSD was actively tearing my life apart at points. What I didn't expect as much was the transference of reactivity onto hobbies, places, and even people that were a major part of my life pre-psychosis.

I dated someone, who retrospectively a totally sane me would've only been friends with, for about a year and he introduced me to psilocybin. Which is something I have gained a tremendous amount of healing from. I dated someone, who retrospectively I just should've been fuck buddies with, for about 6 months who inadvertently helped me break my codependence. I met another abusive narcissist who love-bombed me and then dropped me when he decided to find another girl to cheat on his fiancée with. Which definitely launched me into a short period of psychosis and a longer period of out of control hypersexual compulsions, but which I didn't take lying down and did in fact do my best to ruin his life by contacting the "ex-girlfriend I'm roommates with" aka, fiancée.

You find out who you have real long-term compatibility with in quite a jarring way when you are at times going completely off the rails as a former abuse victim trying to restart their life. Some friendships go by the wayside as you unlearn personality mirroring and people discover they don't have as much in common with you. Others go down in flames mired by an inability to reconcile with the way severe trauma does not create a healthy person. New friendships emerge as you discover there exist people who resonate with those parts of your personality you thought were unlikeable, unlovable.

This time last year, I was about to experience a relapse of sorts. I got wrapped up with another abuser and the way that would end was far too familiar. I felt like I was reliving the night I was taken to the psych facility when I learned the truth of who that person was. I became suicidal and in trying to prevent myself from acting on that and take care of myself, I lost my job. A job I'd held for about a year and had really enjoyed.

At full speed, I went crashing into compulsive behaviors I knew would destroy me. I was sexually assaulted. I was cultivating a full "social calendar" and using sex to numb myself. I felt like it was all I had to offer anyway.

My low point was also miraculously how I met my other half. I was laying in the bed, well floor mattress, of a two strike violent felon. In the unfinished basement of his NA sponsor's house while he was on the phone with his drunk alcoholic ex-girlfriend. I opened Tinder and started swiping.

I had no idea the sad looking Navy boy I matched with would make me feel like I had reunited with the missing part of my soul. We married within 10 days of meeting, but kept that a secret for about a month after he'd left for his homeport.

For the first 18 year of my life, the thing that kept me alive was horses. During the decade I suffered physical, verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse it was my involvement with horses that kept me sane. Realizing I had to give up that part of who I was in order to start my new life has been incredibly painful. I don't know who I am without horses. I don't know how to keep my mental health in check without horses. I feel such immense guilt over failing to hold on to my dream horse and give her the life I imagined I could. I breakdown and I cry over the loss of Mia, the struggles but ultimately joy I found in Chevy, and just the compounding list of reasons Mitzy and I weren't ever meant to be.

The thing is, I would and will sacrifice anything for that sad looking Navy boy who turned out to be the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me. The sweet southern gentleman who risked pneumonia while I drug him through every inch of my local zoo and had the courage to tell me about all the worst parts of himself without knowing if I'd accept them. The man I describe to our friends as "me but with a penis" who in turn reminds everyone I'm just "him with a vagina".

I know I haven't permanently closed the chapter of my life as an equestrian. I know because my husband reminds me when I'm breaking down in the shower about how lost I feel without horses that being without them is temporary. It's painful to be without something that I've felt has so defined me and that has been so instrumental in how I've managed my mental health.

Learning to navigate life as a military spouse, living so far from my family and my best friends (who so graciously kept my marriage a secret until I was ready to announce it), figuring out how to survive underways and an eventual deployment sucks so much ass now.

This period of feeling lost will pass.

One day I will again be popping over logs, hacking bareback, bemoaning the parts of a dressage test I'm struggling with, going foxhunting, midfielding in polocrosse, riding aside, and considering 3ft to be a big jump with a non-conventionally bred horse I love for its willingness to try anything with me.

[zeebreezin]

20 for the throuple!

20. Will they recover from their trauma or will it consume them?

Oh boy.

So, we’re going to have to break this question down a little bit, because this is an interesting one when we’re talking about the throuple. I’m also going to be answering this pretty much all at once for all three of them, which will make sense in a second. TL;DR: It really depends on what trauma we’re talking about here.

If this question is talking about their personal trauma, from before the New Sequence, then I would argue that yeah, they have been recovering, admittedly in an incredibly unhealthy way. Isobel’s family breaking down directly after the fall, Vincent’s […], and Laurence’s trauma following the War on Hell are still things that follow them for the rest of their lives, but also their relationship does genuinely help them heal from their experiences. I’d be lying if that extremely codependent mess didn’t have some positive impact, especially in the sense of having other people to rely on emotionally. Don’t get me wrong here, they’re endlessly feeding each other's complexes in an ouroboros-like manner, but you’re also talking about three people who are all some combination of massively codependent/starved for affection & care/[…]/insanely lonely/have very strange definitions of love. Is the relationship healthy? No, absolutely not. Is it working? Yes. Are they in a better place than when they started? Yeah.

On the other hand, I don’t think any of them are really ever going to unpack the fact that. Well. “Hey you’re in a military sun cult dedicated to a mechanical god”. Both Isobel & Vincent died extremely loyal to the cause, and though Laurence is less fanatical than those two were on a few levels, he’s also in way too deep to ever come to any conclusions about that. Especially not when his memories of his early days in the New Sequence are hazed over in affection, thanks to Isobel & Vincent. A lot of the red flags are lost on him now, and I highly doubt he’d ever be able to really deconstruct his beliefs unless under very specific circumstances - specifically involving Beverley, who he’s gotten pretty attached to. Even then I can’t see that ending well for him, and would probably only end up in him self destructing even harder. Sorry buddy.

There’s another level to this, specifically considering the fact that Vincent’s whole sense of identity is out of wack. The man’s brain is fucked beyond belief and trying to classify if he’s going to heal as a person or not is really difficult, considering the fact that beneath his charm he’s a very hollow shell that gets filled with whatever Isobel wants him to be in the moment. I genuinely don’t know if he could heal from all that without another terrible thing happening to him in the other direction, and then we’d be talking about an entirely different character.

Basically, I think my final answer for all of them is…. “Yes, but actually no,” with a ton of citations needed. Whoops.