#clowns with flamethrowers

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

“When someone tells you who they are, believe them.” – Maya Angelou

Remember when John F. Kennedy promised to bring “The Best and the Brightest” into his administration? Yes, I know, Strange McNamara and Walt Rostow and McGeorge Bundy and several others turned out to be The Least and the Dimmest when they followed their boss into the Grand Adventure in Vietnam, but at least an attempt was made.

While several presidents managed to bring people along into their administration who turned out to be corrupt and venal and “less than competent,” until 2016, no president ever used “corrupt,” “venal,” and “incompetent” as the qualities he was in search of for people to carry out his wishes and policies.

But now Donnie Dumbfuck has topped himself. The search terms this time are “Evil,” “Wicked,” “Terrifying,” and “Godawful.”

The shape of an administration whose sole goal is vengeance is being assembled right out there in the open.

None of the named appointees or possible candidates for other offices yet to be named have the slightest doubt vengeance is the main goal. Vengeance against imaginary criminals committing imaginary crimes; vengeance against the people who attempted to hold the first Trump administration liable for its many crimes and lies; vengeance against “the traitors within” the administration who went public and informed the country of just how bad things were inside the White House; vengeance against four years of successful policies that actually helped the Gammas who were fuckheads enough to vote for him a second time after seeing what he did the first time, since these policies have inconvenienced his real friends, the plutocrats; vengeance against Ukraine for failing to ratfuck the 2020 election for him and having the temerity to kick Russian ass for the past three years; vengeance against NATO because its leaders laughed at him, publicly; and vengeance against any part of the world that failed to recognize him as the world-historical genius everyone knows he isn’t; vengeance against all of us who oppose him.

Tom Homan, successor to Organizer of the Holocaust Adolf Eichmann, who says there’s no need to separate a family between those who are U.S. citizens and those who aren’t when the whole bunch of them can be deported, has been named Border Czar in charge of the Massive Deportation that is the only thing that can get Donnie Dipfuck’s “widdle mushwoom” hard now.

There’s one problem here: “Border Czar” isn’t an actual governmental position, with actual legally-defined responsibilities and powers. Homan can expect to spend the 18 months these war criminals have, starting from Inauguration Day to the beginning of the 2026 mid-term, in court defending the legality of the authority he doesn’t have for every decision he makes and order he gives, while the whole trainwreck of Donnie Bumfuck’s wet dream piles up on top of them.

Professional Puppy Murderer and Presidential Musical Accompanist Kristi Noem was announced as the new Secretary of Homeland Security. If you have any doubt just how obsequious and spineless she is, how willing she is to do anything for Dear Leader, go check that video of her dancing around a semi-comatose Trump during his 39-minute “musical interlude” last month. The last time ‘round, DHS had five different leaders, only two of whom were Senate-confirmed. The agency has within it Customs and Border Protection, Immigration and Customs Enforcement, the Federal Emergency Management Agency and the US Secret Service. She’ll be in charge of the punishment of Democratic-led “sanctuary cities” that protect undocumented immigrants by not cooperating with federal agencies.

My advice is, if you live anywhere where natural disasters happen, if something happens to you and yours, expect a relief effort right down there with how George W. Bush’s jockey handled Hurricane Katrina, and what happened to Puerto Rico with Hurricaness Irma and Maria in 2017. In other words, bend over and kiss your ass good-bye. And if she comes to visit the scene of her crime, don’t let your pets outside. And expect no federal aid if you live in a Blue State.

Noem will also accompany Homan on his many trips to DC courtrooms (the irony of the possibility they end up in front of Judge Chutkan is too delicious), to defend her decisions to follow his unlawful orders.

Mike Davis, leading candidate to take the Heinrich Himmler role as head of the Gestapo in the new administration, manages to combine “Evil,” “Wicked,” “Terrifying,” and “Godawful” in the most complete way of any of these gargoyles. Politico describes him as “someone with an understanding of how to get things done on the inside who also has the grievances and background of a flyover country native. He has a fighting instinct and a commitment to finishing the job, regardless of how he might be hurting himself in the long run.” He’s promised to “rain hell” on Washington come January 2025 and to eviscerate institutions that he says treat Trump unfairly. He calls Democrats “Marxists” and “evil” and has “joked” that he would send journalists and former GOP personalities including George Conway and Tim Miller to “the gulag,” put migrant kids in “cages,” and work toward the goal of ...”having the Supreme Court to dismantle most of the federal government.” Steve Bannon calls Davis “a full fucking MAGA warrior.” If he does become Attorney General, there’s every chance that his toxicity will result in the Justice Department being quickly depopulated of the capable and competent in the ranks of government attorneys, leaving the Homans and the Noems and the rest of the gargoyles to be defended in court by “Trump lawyers.” We’ve all seen what they’re capable of.

Senator Marco Rubio, the primary opponent who back in 2016 pointed out the connection between Trump’s small hands and his even-smaller woody, co-author of the report by the Senate Intelligence Committee that confirmed Donnie Traitor’s 2016 collusion with Russia, is now the Traitor’s pick for Secretary of State. This led the Press Corpse and the adjacent Establishment Policy types to aggressively wish-cast once again that things wouldn’t be so bad after all, and it was possible that Trump would be “presidential” after all.

Sorry, there still aren’t any ponies hiding under the mountain of horse shit. Don’t let that stuff from eight years ago lead you to think he might “enforce guardrails” anywhere. Rubio is a staunch defender of Israel’s right to take direct action in Lebanon and to respond militarily without restraint in Iran. He endorsed Trump’s proposal to deport pro-Palestinian protestors who are in the U.S. on student visas. He has refused to call for a ceasefire in Gaza and blames “100 percent” of civilian deaths there on Hamas, holding the Israeli Defense Forces blameless. He does, however, believe in NATO, so there’s that. But remember, Trump picked Rubio because he squashed him like a bug in 2016. And Rubio knows he can and will do it again at the slightest provocation. How much “independence” do you see there? Rubio is what Trump wants: people who he’s already broken.

The “foreign policy” Rubio will be representing has been clearly defined. By Vladimir Putin. On November 11, Putin’s top aide Nikolai Patrushev (the man who supervised the assassination of Prigozin) stated to a Moscow newspaper: “To achieve success in the election, Donald Trump relied on certain forces to which he has corresponding obligations. As a responsible person, he will be obliged to fulfill them.” Tass distributed the statement globally to make sure the message was received by all parties. Yes, the incoming President of the United States has been put on notice that he has a debt to repay - to our most dangerous enemy. Is this going to be the only debt Trump doesn’t welsh out on?

Florida Representative Mike Waltz, Trump’s pick for National Security Advisor, isn’t a household name, but in his position he could sharply alter the calculus on the ground in Ukraine. He is a former Green Beret who currently serves on the House Committees dealing with the military, intelligence agencies and foreign affairs. The day before the election, Waltz gave an interview to NPR that made clear he would permit escalation of the war in Ukraine in order to bring it to an end through a diplomatic solution. That includes enforcing “actual” energy sanctions on Russia in order to strangle Russia’s economy and war machine. While that sounds good, it could also push Russia to more extreme measures, despite Trump’s recent “warning” to Putin not to “take any actions” in Ukraine. Waltz also favors “taking the handcuffs off the long-range weapons” the U.S. provides Ukraine. This puts him at odds with the MAGA wing’s desire to end U.S. financial and military assistance to Ukraine.

Nominee for UN Representative Representative Elise Stefanik Stefanik has no background in international relations or diplomacy that would prepare her for representing the United States at the international body, but then the reason he chose her is for her to pick fights with other states rather than trying to resolve them.

Nominee for Secretary of Defense, Fox News “Fox & Friends Weekend” co-host Pete Hegseth has an interesting background. Among other things, he has said women shouldn’t serve in combat roles. Last month he told CNN: “I’m straight up just saying we should not have women in combat roles.” Also, he not only disagrees with allowing gays to openly serve, but with “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” Additionally, Hegseth proudly proclaims he hasn’t washed his hands in ten years because ���Germs are not a real thing. I can’t see them.” Yes! Really! He said that!! In the 21st Century! Hegseth is also known as a serial adulterer - which must be why Trump like him. Hegseth even sired a love child with a Fox producer while cheating on his second wife, who he cheated with on his first wife. And then the producer became his third wife in 2019. (White women can be soooooo fucking stupid.)

U.S. Navy Secretary Richard V. Spencer spent eight months in 2019-20 locked in a power struggle with Hegseth over the fate of Eddie Gallagher, the Navy SEAL accused of war crimes by his fellow team members, and found guilty of having committed them by a Navy court-martial. This eventually led to Spencer’s removal, while Gallagher was restored to his rank and officially pardoned by Trump, who called him “a true warrior” when he invited the pardoned war criminal to the White House. That fight would have been over in an instant if the Heritage plan had been in effect, with a compliant Navy secretary giving Trump whatever Hegseth wanted. He also intervened with the Secretary of the Army over the murder convictions of officers Mathew L. Golsteyn and Clint Lorance, who were pardoned by Trump. He has called for replacing Chairman of the Joint Chiefs General C.Q. Brown (who is African American) for being “woke” and a “DEI hire.”

It is impossible to think of him ever objecting to any of the unconstitutional, illegal, immoral things Trump plans to do, from using the military to round up immigrants to intervening regarding the decision to promote politically aligned general officers to get Trump his “German generals.” Hegseth will probably personally volunteer to lead that commission.

Hegseth wants to limit recruiting from urban areas, alleging that “diverse” recruits (meaning Black and urban) are “pumped full of vaccines and even more poisonous ideologies.” The war he wants to fight is Civil War 2.0 - he actually said, “Time for round two - we won’t miss this time.”

When he was the executive director of Concerned Veterans for America, a Koch network organization advocating privatization of the VA, he claimed veterans groups advise veterans to obtain more benefits than they should be getting, insinuating that they are cheating the system out of billions of dollars rather than simply obtaining the benefits to which they are legally entitled. (Personally, I’ll be fine with every white male moron veteran I didn’t want to meet in the Navy “getting theirs” for their vote for Trump. The problem is the what happens to the rest of us.)

Paul Rieckhoff, founder of Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America, commented: "Hegseth is undoubtedly the least qualified nominee for SecDef in American history. And the most overtly political. Brace yourself, America."

This nomination is the explanation of why Trump has demanded whoever becomes Senate Majority Leader must pre-emptively accept recess appointments. When even Tommy Tuberville says ”Really? I’d have to think about it” regarding this guy, you see all the “why” you need.

Mike Huckabee, nominee for Ambassador to Israel, believes the West Bank is part of Israel and is not “occupied” because Palestinians “don’t exist.”He’s a “Christian Zionist” the wing of Fundamenalist Insanity that supports Israel because they believe the state of Israel must exist when Jesus returns and Armageddon - the final battle between Good and Evil - is fought on the Plain of Armageddon in northern Israel. The future after that for the Israelis doesn’t look so good, because these people also believe that Jesus will then cast the Jews “into the fiery pit” except for the 144,000 KAPOs who drop to their knees and proclaim him. Throughout his political career, Netanyahu has gone out of his way to cozy up to these people as “Allies of Israel.” He and Huckabee should get along like the proverbial peas in the pod. (Hope you’re still happy with all your protest votes, residents of Dearborn - we did try to warn you this shit would happen thanks to.) Essentially, think of him as the End Times Ambassador.

John Ratcliffe, Trump’s nominee for CIA Director, was previously his Director of National Intelligence in Trump 1.0 - in that position, he sat on the whistleblower report of Trump’s attempted extortion of Vladimir Zelensky that led to Impeachment No. 1. I can’t think of anything more that needs to be said.

Yesterday, Trump named Elmo Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy as co-chairs of the Department of Government Efficiency. DOGE (get the joke?) is not actually a government agency at all, but merely an advisory commission. They will have no budget for their non-existent “department,” and their “advice” will only become fact if Congress acts favorably on what they advise.

Mike Murphy put up a savvy prediction of how this will work at his Substack :

1.) Great fanfare; 2.) Nice offices; 3.) Painful discovery I: Fed Gov’t doesn’t work like hedge fund or start up; 4.) Painful discovery II: 75% of Fed spending is basically on auto-pilot; 5.) Epic squabbling with Agencies, Congress, WH; 6.) Elon gets bored. Wiles kills it off

Yes, this all looks as bad as it really is, but let’s remember that Trump’s “eccentric mix of interests and priorities” is NOT well aligned with the public’s hopes and fears. Remember George Bush taking his 2004 “political capital” to “reform” Social Security? We should particularly remember Nancy Pelosi’s response to the Vichy Democrats who asked her what the Democrats’ Social Security reform counter-offer would be. “None. Is that clear?”

Carrying out all these fascist fantasies will be challenging for the “birds of a feather” surrounding Trump. Their “politics” range from being at once dovish and hawkish, libertarian and activist, traditionalist and revolutionary, authoritarian and anti-establishment. The chances they will end up at cross-purposes before next June are One Hundred Percent.

There is no constituency for Robert F. Kennedy Jr. taking fluoride out of our drinking water, and in fact there is no authority for the Federal government to base any such decision on. And the majority of Americans do believe in vaccines. Even the dumbasses in the 310 Area Code and the (Rich) People’s Republic of Santa Monica are coming around on this.

All the whackadoodles who think they’ve won a mandate for their pet cause, even though voters have no idea who they are or what they want, are about to discover that the majority of Americans aren’t likely to be on board with this bullshit when they find out. Ovr 70 percent of Americans are opposed to Project 2025 now, and that’s unlikely to change in the 724 days before the 2026 mid-term election, when these MAGAmorons discover the truth of their “overwhelming victory.”

Trump’s favorite fantasies, from mass deportations to steep tariffs, will very likely prove fairly unpopular when he actually tries to put them into practice.

This is going to be the story of the next 724 days: over-reach and extremism, with large dollop of incompetence and crazy.

And just in case you wondered how long it would be before te jackals decided to celebrate their victory by going after their own, if you bet “one week and a day” - come on down! You win.

Hard-line conservatives are plotting to challenge Speaker Mike Johnson (R-La.) for the gavel during Wednesday’s internal House GOP elections, four sources familiar with the matter told The Hill.

The sources — who spoke on the condition of anonymity to discuss the sensitive internal deliberations — said the conservatives are planning to nominate an alternative candidate to Johnson for Speaker during Wednesday’s internal GOP elections. The sources said they are still discussing whom to nominate, and one source cautioned that the opposition could fall apart.

“There will be a nomination,” one of the sources said. The intent is to show opposition within the House GOP to Johnson’s bid to continue as Speaker, one of the sources said. The House GOP is set to consider Johnson for Speaker during internal GOP elections on Wednesday.

See? They are still Dumber Than Shit.

The 12 worst people surrounding Trump according to Rolling Stone:

1. Elon Musk; 2. Stephen Miller; 3. Robert F. Kennedy Jr ; 4. Tom Homan; 5. Mike Davis; 6. JD Vance'; 7. Ric Grenell; 8. Jeff Clark; 9. Laura Loomer; 10. Kash Patel; 11. Russel Vought; 12. Tucker Carlson

Don’t worry, the list of recess appointees is only going to get worse. Trump just nominated Tulsi Gabbard to be Director of National Intelligence. What a fucking oxymoron.

Alina Habba no brain is said to be Trump’s likely nominee for White House Press Secretary.

And yes, “clowns with flamethrowers, still have flamethrowers.”

[octyfish]

The feeling when you finally think you're going to see Clown without his makeup...only for him to show up to the party as a different kind of Klown...

An extra thank you to @silverxcristal for helping me with some of the backgrounds and text so I could get this done. Even if it still unfortunately ended up being late.

[moistmailman]

Joker, on his joker tricycle that has rockets and flamethrowers on it: ITS TOO LATE BATMAN! IM ALREADY-

Batman: How are you making these things?

Joker: What?

Batman: These things. The contraptions that you use. Where do these come from?

Joker: What do you mean?

Batman: Where the hell are you getting these things from? Are you making them? Is someone else making them? Last week you had a giant jack in a box with your face on it that shoots out acid. Where did that come from? Did you make that yourself? Did you pay someone to make it?

Joker: Well-

Batman: The week before that you literally had a clown tank with several military grade missile. How do you obtain these things?! There’s nothing in the news of a tank being stolen or missiles going missing! And even if you stole the tank, how did you designed it to match your face so perfectly?!

Joker:…….

Batman: How do you have the time and resources to get these things?!

Joker, trying to think of a joke: Because uh…..Because I’m really Bruce Wayne under this make up.

Batman:…….

Joker:…….

Batman: Just shut the fuck up.

[nightmaretherabbit]

Love FNAF AR. It's a fun game

Happy 3rd anniversary FNaF AR: Special delivery!

Im a little late (25/11) but this monster took their sweet time to be ready.

This silly little game that I cant even play on my own cellphone means a lot to me, I had so much fun designing gijinkas for all the skins and important animatronics additions (Shadow Bonnie, 8bit baby, Golden Freddy) and I’ve enjoying tellling stories with them on my AU.

The fandom is like… 15 people /j but honestly it feels nice to be in a niche place where the only “drama” is the people complaining about a game they dont like, demanding stuff that doesnt even fit with the narrative Illumix (and steelwool) was delivering to us. Im just here to have fun.

So… which one is your favorite?~

[rottenpumpkin13]

For April fools we need Sephiroth pulling pranks

Sephiroth's Prank

• April 1st is a chaotic date at Shinra HQ. Tseng has to call in multiple Turks to his office to discipline them for pranks like supergluing hair on Rude’s head, adding a dirty sock to the VP’s morning coffee, and nearly suffocating the entire board of directors to death with a stink bomb thrown in the confrence room—all three pranks were done by Reno.

• But April 1st is especially anarchic in nature on the 49th floor. 

• Director Lazard is quite literally trembling in fear as he steps off the elevator early in the morning. 

*Zack intercepts him, stepping out from behind the corner with a grin*

*Lazard screams*

Zack: Good morning, director? Care for a peanut?

*Zack extends a can of peanuts his way*

Lazard: …..Really? A can of colorful worms? I expected more from you.

*He opens the can*

Lazard: I’m pleased that you’re not taking advantage of the date to—-

*The can explodes in his hand, shooting smoke and blue powder all over Lazard’s face*

Lazard:

Zack: I am always two steps ahead. 

Lazard: 

*Zack begins to slink back into the shadows*

Zack: Two steps. Ahead. 

Lazard: 

• Meanwhile, Genesis walks into Angeal’s office where he and Sephiroth are. He sets their coffees down on the desk. 

Genesis: Here’s your coffee. 

*Angeal and Sephiroth pick them up and take sips, Angeal promptly spits his out*

Angeal: EW. DID YOU PUT SALT IN THIS?

Genesis: I’m a mastermind. Happy April fools! 

*Sephiroth continues to drink the coffee*

Angeal: Sephiroth how the fuck are you drinking that???

Sephiroth: Oh, I ordered a salted caramel macchiato. I thought they overdid it. 

*Genesis smugly takes out his copy of Loveless. He tries to flip it open but is unsuccessful. It’s superglued shut*

Genesis: What the—?

*Angeal starts laughing*

Genesis: Ha-ha. Real funny. 

*Genesis tries to put the book down on the desk but it sticks to his hand*

*Angeal laughs harder*

Sephiroth: I don’t see the appeal of April Fools'. It’s just a day where the implications of the date allow people to hurt others with childish pranks. 

Genesis: While I adore you as a friend, Sephiroth, I don’t expect you to understand April Fools'. It’s a fun holiday, for fun people to do fun things. Your boring, stick-in-the-mud personality doesn’t quite fit the requirements. 

*Sephiroth puts his coffee down*

Sephiroth: I’m offended. 

Angeal: What Genesis means is that you’re not really the pranking type, and that’s okay. Lots of people don’t have what it takes to pull pranks. 

Sephiroth: You’re insinuating that I’m incapable of pranking people?

Genesis: Darling, we’re saying it to your face.

*Angeal gets an Email from Lazard—“SUBJECT: HELP, EMAIL: GET ZACK OUT OF MY OFFICE HE HAS A FLAMETHROWER” *

Angeal: I gotta go. Gen, don’t you have materia class with the Thirds in ten minutes?

Genesis: I do. See you, Sephiroth. Don’t let the April fool hit you on your way out!

• They leave the office. Sephiroth sits there with his arms crossed, looking more sour than his coffee. And then he veers sly eyes unto Angeal’s laptop and the printer sitting on the desk. 

Sephiroth: Hmm. 

• A few hours later, Genesis finds himself on his merry way to Sephiroth’s office to grab Sephiroth’s tablet for him. On his way there he passes by Zack (dressed as an evil clown) hiding behind a corner as Lazard approaches (breathing with a paper bag).

• Genesis grabs Sephiroth’s tablet off his desk, but then his eyes fall onto a curious document laying there. He, being the nosy bitch he is, picks it up and behigs flipping through it. His eyes widen, eyebrows creeping higher and higher toward his hairline as he reads. And then he runs out, panicking. 

• He passes by Zack again, this time being disciplined by Lazard, who’s sobbing and beating Zack with his own squeaky mallet. 

*Genesis grabs Angeal and pulls him aside*

Genesis: YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE WHAT I FOUND.

*He shoves the document in Angeal’s hands*

Angeal: What’s this?

Genesis, hyperventilating: It’s a classified report from Professor Hojo detailing the extent of Sephiroth’s condition. 

Angeal: His…condition?

Genesis: HE’S PART CAT. 

Angeal:

Genesis:

Angeal: 

Genesis: I’M SERIOUS.

Angeal: Seriously in need of medication. 

Genesis: READ IT. 

*Angeal sighs and begins to flip through the papers*

Angeal: 

Angeal:

Angeal: OH MY GOD. 

Genesis: I KNOW.

Angeal: HE’S HALF CAT? LIKE ACTUALLY HALF CAT. 

Genesis: It makes perfect sense! I don’t know how we didn’t see this sooner! His weird eyes, his fangs, the way he consumes 150 pieces of sushi in 10 minutes. HELL, THAT’S WHY HE LOVES THE BEACH. IT’S A GIANT LITTER BOX. 

Angeal: Gen, calm down. For his sake, we can’t freak out.

Genesis: Why didn’t he tell us!?

Angeal: Probably out of fear we’d have the same reaction you’re having right now. Oh, that poor thing. He must be so embarassed, so lonely with no one to tell him that he’s special as he is. *Angeal begins to tear up* Or to give him head pats. 

Genesis: What do we do now?? How are we supposed to act normally around him knowing he probably PURRS WHEN HE'S HAPPY??

Angeal: I DON’T KNOW! But We have to try! For his sake, we have to be as supportive and accommodating as possible.

Genesis: You’re right.

Angeal: And help him through this without letting him know that we know. 

Genesis: You’re right.

Angeal: And be there for him tonight on the full moon when he fully turns into a cat.

Genesis: You’re righ—WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

Angeal: DID YOU NOT READ THE FINE PRINT?

Genesis: NO!?

*Genesis snatches the report from him and reads through it again*

Genesis: OH GODDESS HE’S A WEREKITTY

Angeal: THIS IS SICK. HOW COULD HOJO DO THIS TO HIM??

Genesis: NO WONDER HE LIKES CATNIP TEA SO MUCH. THAT BASTARD’S BEEN GETTING HIGH OFF HIS KITTY MIND THIS WHOLE TIME.

*There’s a noise from the cabinet beside them, they turn and see Sephiroth crawling out from under it*

Sephiroth: Hello, gentlemen. 

*Angeal immediately starts sobbing* 

• Later in the day, Genesis is working in his office. Sephiroth sits on the opposite chair playing with a ball of yarn Genesis provided him with.

*Sephiroth sees the glass of water near Genesis. He slowly reaches for it*

Genesis:

*Sephiroth knocks it over*

Genesis:

*sephiroth throws the glass against the wall*

Genesis:

Sephiroth: That was enriching. 

• Even later, Angeal finds Sephiroth kneading a couch cushion in the break room. 

Angeal: 💡

*Angeal takes out a bowl of bread dough from the fridge*

Angeal: For you!

Sephiroth: Thank you, but I prefer the sensation of fabric to that of bread.

*Sephiroth starts chewing the blanket*

Angeal:

Sephiroth: Meow.

• Much later, Genesis enters the materia room and sees Sephiroth perched on a shelf, reading.

Genesis: H-How did you get up there?

*Sephiroth hisses*

Genesis: !?

• And then Angeal enters his office and finds his leather couch completely torn up. Sephiroth sits in a corner, playing with a piece of the foam.

Sephiroth: You’re not mad, are you?

Angeal, tearing up: Of course not! You poor, sweet thing! Would you like me to bring you Genesis’ leather coats for you to play with?

Sephiroth: That would be delightful. 

Angeal: I’m on it!

• Sephiroth, Genesis and Angeal walk into the SOLDIER mess hall and see Kunsel and a group of Thirds playing with a laser pointer. 

Kunsel: Hey guys! Check out my new laser pointer! 

*Kunsel aims it at the wall. Sephiroth’s pupils dilate*

Angeal: NO

Genesis: GRAB HIM

*They tackle Sephiroth to the ground*

• Finally evening comes. Angeal and Genesis lay on the couch in the lounge, both of them exhausted after a long day of dealing with Sephiroth. And then an adorable, gray cat walks in.

Cat: Meow.

Angeal: OH MY GOD! SEPHIROTH!

Genesis: HAS IT HAPPENED ALREADY? HAVE YOU TURNED INTO A CAT!?

*They rush to pick up the cat and immediately start coddling it*

Angeal, sobbing: YOU POOR THING. IS THIS WHAT YOU DEAL WITH EVERY FULL MOON?

Genesis: HE’S SO CUTE! ANGEAL! WE HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM!

Angeal: DON’T WORRY BUDDY! WE’LL PROTECT YOU FROM NOW ON!

*Zack walks in, shirtless, covered in war paint, carrying a shovel*

Zack: The lizard man has banned animals from the 49th floor. 

Angeal: What? Why?

Zack: Because I filled his office with 30 angry chocobos, so now he has guards with tranquilizer guns stationed everywhere. Any animal they see, they shoot and take to the pound.

Genesis: WHAT? Oh no…not good!

Zack: Hey, cute cat! 

Angeal: IT’S SEPHIROTH. 

Zack: Is it? Cool!

Genesis: I know it will be hard to believe, but Sephiroth is half-human, half-cat, and every full moon he turns into a cat! This is him!

Zack: No, no. I believe you.

Angeal: Just like that!?

Zack: Yeah, I mean, I kinda already knew. I’m part of the Sephiroth-is-actually-a-cat conspiracy theory club.

Genesis: the WHAT?

*Zack walks over to a painting on the wall and removes it. Behind it is a white board filled with pictures of Sephiroth, cats and anecdotes*

Angeal: .......

Genesis: .......

Zack: We have an email list and everything. 

Angeal: .......

Genesis: .......

Zack: Back to Sephiroth being a cat. We have to get him out of here before Lazard or the guards see him!

Angeal: I know! Come on, if we’re quiet, we can sneak him up to my place. 

*They walk towards the door, but then Lazard appears with four guards with tranqulizer guns*

Lazard: A-HA! I KNEW IT! I KNEW I HEARD A CAT IN HERE!

Angeal: Director, wait, we can explain! This isn’t just any cat, it’s Sephiroth!

Genesis: He turns into a cat every full moon!

Angeal: He’s innocent! He just wants to knead blankets and nap and scratch up Genesis’s expensive leather coats!

Genesis: Yeah, he—WHAT? 

Angeal, sobbing: You can’t take him away! He may be a cat, but he’s still our best friend! He can’t be taken to the pound! He doesn’t deserve this! 

Genesis: If you want to take cat Sephiroth away, you’ll have to get through me! 

Angeal: And me!

Zack: And me too!

Lazard:

Lazard: What drugs did you three take?

(simultaneously)

Angeal: WE’RE NOT HIGH

Genesis: WE’RE TELLING THE TRUTH

Zack: The doctor said it would help.

*Everyone turns to look at him*

Zack:

Zack: SEPHIROTH IS A CAT. 

Angeal: WE’RE TELLING THE TRUTH!

Genesis: DON’T HURT HIM! 

Lazard: You know what? I’ve heard enough. *He turns to the guards* Take the cat.

*The guards aim at the cat in Angeal’s arms, everyone starts screaming, the guards shoot—And then Zack jumps in front of the cat, taking the tranquilizer dart for it*

Angeal: ZACK!

Genesis: ARE YOU OKAY?

*The cat jumps from Angeal’s arm and runs out the door*

Angeal: WAIT, SEPHIROTH!

Genesis: COME BACK!

• That’s when Sephiroth (the real one) appears in the doorway. He whisks the cat off the floor and starts petting it in his arms. Everyone’s jaw is on the floor—except for Zack, who’s whole body is on the floor. 

Angeal: Sephiroth….you’re not the cat?

Sephiroth: Never was, never have been.

Genesis: You mean you’re not half-cat?? YOU TRICKED US?

Sephiroth: Tell me, what does eating your own words taste like? I wouldn’t know the sensation. 

[billdenbrough]

did a flash fic challenge today & the character i received from the spin2win was kevin. @merceyca prompted “plexiglass” & immediately after that, @vykio prompted “haunted house”, because they love to make life easy for me LMFAO. predictably with this setup, this is kevaaron. so.

kevaaron + haunted house, plexiglass

“This was a terrible idea,” Kevin mutters.

Andrew obviously hears him, but predictably ignores him, instead choosing to poke experimentally at the cleaver hanging from the ceiling. Renee, at his side, gently lowers his arm.

Matt is sandwiched between Dan and Neil, a bit ahead of Andrew. Allison and Nicky seem to be competing to find the ‘hottest corpse’.

Aaron, bringing up the rear with Kevin, slants him a sidelong glance. “Because those two are three seconds from being sent to a sexual harassment seminar or because you’re worried Andrew will try steal a machete from one of the actors?” he asks dryly.

“They’re not sharp enough,” Andrew says blandly. Renee shoots Kevin an apologetic look over her shoulder—he’s not really sure why; or rather, the only answer that comes to mind is at risk of making him flush, so he beats it back with a stick—and loops her arm with Andrew’s, leading him further out of earshot. Andrew allows it.

When Kevin looks back at Aaron, he’s tilting his head.

“Or something else?” Aaron asks.

Kevin weighs up his options. Discovering no good ones, he grumbles, “I think I saw a clown chasing a toddler with a flamethrower.”

Aaron snorts. “The great Kevin Day,” he says. His tone is mocking, but like – in that Aaron way. Kevin doesn’t really know how to explain it. There’s mocking when Aaron means it, how he used to talk to Neil and the scathing tone he turns on the especially annoying freshmen on the line-up, and then there’s like this: that natural tilt to his voice, something blunt and sarcastic, but no force behind it.

Kevin’s seen what it looks like, after all, when Aaron puts his strength into it.

He’s about to huff—something waspish about haunted houses and horror films and the Foxes’ inexplicable idea of what constitutes ‘fun’—when Aaron shifts closer, the sudden flush of body heat emanating off him stealing the words from Kevin’s mouth.

Aaron doesn’t seem concerned with saying anything, so Kevin doesn’t either, just shifts his weight on his next step to move closer to Aaron, now that he’s allowed. Their shoulders brush. Kevin thinks again about Renee’s apologetic expression, and almost bites off his own tongue.

It’s two rooms later—after Matt had to pull Nicky back from peering into a coffin before a guillotine descended on him, and Dan swore loudly at a fortune-teller who appeared suddenly at her side and kept ominously intoning her name while Allison told Neil, yeah, so that’s why you never say anyone’s name in one of these things—that Kevin finally says, “It’s dark.”

Aaron opens his mouth. Pauses. Shuts it. Hums.

Kevin thinks he’s going to have to say more. Explain himself. Talk about claustrophobic spaces, stuck in the dark, threats of violence.

Then Aaron takes his hand, holding it tight, and it’s like the air goes out of Kevin’s lungs.

He thinks about the car ride over, when Aaron and Nicky debated which horror movie to watch later that night. Nicky had been texting the other car at the time, chiming in with suggestions from the upperclassmen, most of which Aaron had shot down. His knee had kept bouncing, the way it did when he was animated, or irritated, or annoyed, or over-tired, or restless, or a thousand other things that Aaron sometimes was, that Kevin sometimes noticed. He’d wanted to reach out and still Aaron’s leg. He hadn’t.

He thinks about a week ago at Eden’s, downing seven shots as he sat at the table, ignoring whatever the fuck Neil and Andrew were doing as he watched Aaron—fucking wasted—tilt his head back on the dance floor, the lights illuminating the line of his throat. He thinks about an hour before they left for Eden’s that same night, arguing with Aaron about something that didn’t really matter, until it did, and he was pressing Aaron against the plexiglass of the court walls, snapping at him, and then kissing him, and kissing him, and kissing him. He thinks about Aaron—pinned halfway up the wall, Kevin raising him up for a better angle, Aaron’s hand leaving an imprint on the plexiglass—kissing him back.

He thinks about a month before that, on the bus on their way back from a game against Belmonte, Aaron sitting beside him and—with a long-suffering sigh—offering one of his earbuds to Kevin. It hadn’t been music Kevin knew, which Kevin had said, to which Aaron had scoffed, and said, You don’t know anything that came out after the 1800s, which was rude, but possibly fair. Still, Kevin had argued the point, and Aaron had objected to each of his statements, and somehow they’d ended up spending the entire journey going through Aaron’s playlists while they tried to—in Aaron’s words—find ‘an actual music taste’ for Kevin.

Kevin thinks about all of these things, and about Renee’s apology, and about Aaron’s hand in his, and about Aaron shifting closer, and Aaron’s sidelong glance, and he swallows.

A clown could try murder him right now, he thinks, and he might not even notice.

Slowly, he squeezes Aaron’s hand: smaller than his, but firm, unwavering.

After a moment, Aaron squeezes back.

[gotham-response]

Had to cart another psych PhD with a gimmick and a flamethrower to the hospital, so I'm obligated to clown on them again

[maveras-posts]

Slasher House Part:♾️

✨How it’s like living with the slashers✨:

I swear it’s like a bunch of teenagers!

The others have attempted any times to teach Micheal modern slang and technology (For fucks sake he has stuck a fork in an outlet and the DAMN TOASTER)

He has lots of candy stashed in random spots throughout town and the old Myers house

Micheal is very fond of ✨CanDy CoRN✨ sour gummies

Also Micheal and Jason are VERY MUCH on the spectrum!

Bubba is very childish when you get to know him but is very short tempered

NEVER comment on how he looks or stare for too long

Sam is just like a kid so we must preserve the innocence (Freddy taught him no no words😒)

Ghostface is also very friendly, and a joker

Highkey reminds me of deadpool in a twisted way

Art is another ball game… (gaslighting is his middle name)

Pennywise does his own thing most the time but is quite friendly and fun to be around.

Out of all of them you’d feel safest with Sam and Jason they are teddy bears

Sam is the least problematic one there along with Jason it’s like the two toddlers found eachother

Freddy likes to bully everybody except for Art and he tried with Sam —

Art fucking pulled a flamethrower out last time he tried to pick on Sam—

Ghostface and Freddy have karaoke nights (much to Michael’s dismay) Sam is raging in the background

My man Michael needs his 8 Hours

Pennywise and Art also bunk together in the basement…don’t go down there! (Art has the good kush it’s MINE—)

The playground and clown cafe are a vibe I just can’t get the damn ✨SONG✨ out my head🤬

Pennywise is a recluse we forget he lives here sometimes🤷‍♀️ (He Sleeps A LOT)

The 🍃 circle with Art is lit as fuck!

Ghost is very funny and his room is a vibe he can go on for hours about scary movies (Imagine purple and orange lights with tons of movie posters and his collectibles on shelves 😭)

Family game nights are banned now, everyone fought with eachother

Micheal is not allowed to operate any stoves or toasters… HE SHUT THE POWER OFF OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD😑

NO ALCOHOL for Jason (the FBI still can decipher what happened…)

Art may or may not have dared him to shots and he just took chilled water💀 (Jason is a virgin to alcohol)

Art sends Sam to do his dirty work💀 Sam took all of Freddy’s left shoes and threw glitter in all of Micheal’s drawers 😒 Art also gave Sam a lighter😭

Micheal is the only one with Law and Order he is like the father of all these damn children

The people voted and I answered MANY wanted the slasher house to continue, I’ve added a couple more into the house and I just realized I fucking missed the chance to make Fourth of July headcanons for them forgive me council😭 I hope everyone enjoys this dumpster fire and again requests and recommendations are open!

Love You Sick Things!

🖤Mavera🫶

@michaelmyers-isdaddy @slasherholic @slasherwife @slasherfxcker @getmeoutofhell @gloopunknown @slasherhaven @arttheclown-coveredinblood @rosehilol @spookystree @michaelmyersleftfoot

[jermer10]

How would you feel about writing drabbles about pyro, heavy, medic, scout and spy with a clown/jester reader? :o)

They often engage in trickery, play silly (and sometimes horribly messy!) pranks on people and overall have a goofy personality along with colorful clothing. (You don't have to do it if you don't wanna, I love your writing and headcannons!)

TF2 mercs with a clown/jester reader

gn reader | jester reader is so silly i love it

includes: pyro, heavy, medic, scout, spy

drabbles under the cut :P

Pyro: Pyro loved your vibrant, clownish energy the moment they saw you. With their mutual love of chaos, you quickly became a duo of disaster. Today, you’d rigged up an elaborate prank - fake flowers filled with water in place of Pyro’s flamethrower. You watched as Pyro gleefully sprayed your target, Engineer, soaking him from head to toe in a wave of unexpected water. Engineer groaned, but Pyro clapped in joy, their muffled laughter contagious. You couldn’t help but join. “Ya’ll ever thought about not doin’ this?” Engineer sighed, wiping his face. You just gave him a huge grin, honking your nose with a silly honk. “Where’s the fun in that?” Pyro high-fived you with a grunt, and the two of you ran off to plan your next prank, giggling like school kids.

Heavy: Heavy sat, deep in thought, quietly cleaning Sasha, when you slid into the room. You tiptoed up to him, eyes gleaming with mischievous intent. Your colorful jester outfit clinked with bells, but Heavy didn’t notice—too focused. Perfect. With grand gesture, you reached behind him and pulled out a massive rubber chicken. Waving it like a magician about to perform a trick, you gave a loud squeak by slapping the chicken against Heavy’s back. Heavy slowly turned his head, one eyebrow raised, completely unamused. “You think this is funny?” he asked, though the twitch of his lip betrayed his amusement. “Yes!” you giggled, your clownish laughter ringing through the room. “Very funny!” Heavy shook his head but couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped him. “You are…very silly.” He let out a small, deep laugh and ruffled your colorful hair. “But Heavy likes silly sometimes.” You beamed, bouncing away to plot your next grand jester act while Heavy watched, shaking his head but smiling fondly.

Medic: Medic was deep in his medical laboratory, concocting some new bizarre experiment, when you decided it was time to bring some color into his sterile workspace. With a wild grin, you quietly slipped in, clutching a bucket of bright, sticky goo. “Ah, mein experiments! Zey are coming along nicely,” Medic mumbled to himself as he worked. You tiptoed closer, your bells jingling slightly, but Medic was too engrossed in his notes to notice. Then, you dumped the bucket of neon goo all over his latest creation. “Was zur Hölle—?!” Medic spun around, eyes wide in disbelief. “What have you DONE?” You stood there, grinning ear to ear, hands on your hips in a victory pose. “Brightened up your day! Science is more fun when it’s colorful!” Medic stared at the mess for a moment before a laugh bubbled up from his chest. “I cannot argue with zat!” He scooped up a bit of the goo and threw it right back at you. Within minutes, the lab was a battlefield of goo, the two of you laughing like mad scientists—or rather, like one mad scientist and their jester accomplice.

Scout: Scout loved your chaotic energy. In fact, he encouraged it. The two of you often teamed up to prank the rest of the team, and today was no different. Armed with a bag of itching powder, you set your sights on Spy’s study armchair. Scout leaned against the doorway, snickering as you sprinkled the powder all over. “You’re a freakin’ genius, ya know that?” he grinned. “Of course!” you twirled around, flashing him a bright smile. “Clowning is an art form!” Spy walked in moments later, completely oblivious. As soon as he sat down, the itching powder kicked in. “What the hell is zhis?!” Spy jumped up, scratching furiously. You burst out laughing, practically rolling on the floor while Scout doubled over, holding his sides. “Oh man, that’s too good!” he wheezed. “You shitheads!” Spy shouted, glaring daggers into your tear streaked faces. Scout gave you a high-five. “We’re the best team, babe. No one can top our pranks!” You took a deep, exaggerated bow, already planning your next chaotic endeavor with him.

Spy: Spy prided himself on his composure, which made you want to test his limits even more. You darted around the base, spreading your pranks, but Spy? Oh, he was your ultimate challenge. Today, you had set up an elaborate ruse: an innocent-looking box rigged with confetti and a loud BANG. Spy walked into the room, his usual air of elegance intact. You hid behind the door, barely containing your glee. As Spy approached the box, he paused. “Hm,” he muttered, already suspicious. But curiosity got the better of him. He lifted the lid, and POP! A spray of confetti exploded in his face, coating him in brightly colored paper. “Mon dieu…” Spy sighed, wiping the confetti from his suit. “You do realize this suit costs more than your life, yes?” You peeked out, grinning. “Totally worth it, monsieur!” Spy looked at you for a long moment, completely unamused. Then, to your surprise, he plucked a piece of confetti from his shoulder and flicked it at you. “You are incorrigible,” he said, though you caught the slight smirk on his face. “I don't know the meaning of the word!” You twirled around, bells jingling as you skipped out of the room.

[infectiouspiss]

she’s a mouse she’s a clown she’s a cheerleader she’s a nurse she’s a pool boy she’s a cat she’s bat she’s a businesswoman she’s the presidents wife she’s got a flamethrower i miss her

[protowilson]

Nice Pyro cosplay! Any tips on the suit? I've been thinking of making my own, but can't figure out what fabric would drape right but still be, y'know, NOT RUBBER and therefore breathable.

Thanks in advance! :)

Thanks!

Well, there's the rub: finding something that sits right. I wish I could tell you I found something that was breathable, but I used red furniture vinyl, which is a bastard to sew, and to wear is like being slowly roasted in a bag. I had to wear a layer of cotton clothing under is purely to soak up the sweat. I think the first time I wore the outfit, it was something crazy like 36degC (97F) in Melbourne.

A heavier fabric may be a decent alternative. The thickness would probably make it sit a bit more like the rubber suit, while still being breathable.

The suit pattern was actually a modified clown suit that a friend (froggiebecky) helped me with, cos I have no experience re-purposing a pattern. I made it in calico a couple of times until I was happy with the shape and fit before committing to the furniture vinyl.

The charring at the bottom of the legs was done with spray adhesive and charcoal dust.

Unless your boots are well-broken in, blister guard plasters are a god-send. I've shredded the backs of my heels and it's excruciating!

The gloves were chemical gloves, with the finger tips dipped in Plasti-dip, and the cuff was yellow electrical tape. If I could, I would love to be able to latex cast the gloves so they're much more like in-game.

Wearing the Pyro outfit is difficult and exhausting. You have NO skin exposed, so sweating and temperature regulation are big problems. Vision is also on the difficult side, especially in a crowded area, and I would never be able to wear it unless I had my partner with me to help shepherd me through crowds and/or small spaces and stop people from bumping into the flamethrower or the backpack.

In an effort to remain anonymous as part of Pyro's mystique, I would rarely take the mask off where people could see me, which added to the temperature-contol issue. There's also the balance between being hydrated enough, but not so much that you gotta pee every 10 minutes and it takes AGES to get the outfit off in order to do so. Getting the mask on and off was a two person job.

The suit also has the double-problem of being cold to wear in cold weather because there's not much insulation to it - I guess furniture vinyl's not really designed to take temperature into account! I remember standing about for (seemingly) hours for a Guinness Book World Record of 'most cosplayers in one photo' and freezing my ass off. If I was wearing it in the winter, it was more bearable than in summer, and I could even wear a hat without spontaneously combusting.

I don't say this to dissuade you, just to let you know that it can be a difficult outfit and you should take care that you don't overheat - take frequent breaks!

GOOD LUCK!

[octyfish]

Sweetheart, Flamethrower, and Goldie put on clown makeup the whole clown week

Clown would be irritated

Idk if Goldie would but Sweetheart and Flamethrower definitely would!

But have an old sketch I did of the siblings dressing as clowns that was from my brief KKFOS interest phase.

[brokehorrorfan]

Terrifier's Art the Clown will join Mezco Toyz’s One:12 Collective line in April 2025. Priced at $115 with free shipping, the 6.7" action figure has over 28 points of articulation.

It comes with three heads, eleven hands (including scalpel and syringe), light-up decapitated head, sunflower glasses, brain, two garbage bags, flamethrower with attachable flame FX, cat o' nine tails, table leg, horn, hammer, knife-edge hammer, butcher knife, cleaver, hacksaw, three attachable blood FX, and display base with post.

[terabyteturtle]

Fighter #14 - Bowser

- He’s jealous of how long Charizard can use Flamethrower. If Bowser uses Fire Breath for too long, he’ll gas out.

- Whenever he's super angry, his footsteps will shake the whole floor. There've been plenty of times in which the Koopalings get scared and think there’s an earthquake before realizing that dear ol’ dad just got beat by Mario again.

- Incineroar has become a good friend of his, and is also a great wrestling coach. The two of them often train and practice wrestling moves together.

- If the Koopa King ever needs some time to himself, he’ll find a secluded spot and tuck away inside his shell. He likes going behind bushes the most because the other fighters have a lesser chance of finding him there. No one has discovered his hiding spot…yet.

- If anyone messes with his kids, they're getting a giga knuckle sandwich straight to the face. He's very protective of them when they're in Smash, mainly because there's so many fighters who could easily hurt them.

- The villains tease and mess around with each other so much to the point where it’s borderline bullying. Once, Ridley wrapped his tail around Bowser’s leg and tugged it back as he walked past, causing the Koopa King to face-plant. It takes a lot to damage Bowser, but considering Ridley’s strength, that really hurt.

- Incineroar let him try some Poke Beans once, and he actually really likes them. Bowser’s not sure what that says about him, though. After tough matches, Incineroar always brings some to share. 

- During the summer, when the fighters have cookouts outside, Bowser is always in charge of the barbeque. Put him in front of the grill and he’ll come back with some of the best burgers, hot dogs, and ribs the fighters have ever tasted. Typically, he’s not good at cooking, so it’s a mystery as to how he can get it to be so good.

- Every Friday night, he’ll play Rummy and Poker with Wario, Meta Knight, and King Dedede. Wario always wants to play for money, but the other three know better and would rather play for fun. Every now and then, King K. Rool might join in as well.

- Bowser LOVES classic rock and hair metal, especially from the 80s. He usually has it playing in the background whenever he’s playing cards with the other villains.

- If the Koopalings’ clown cars are broken, he’ll not only fix them, but he’ll add new, cool weapons that he thinks they’ll like. 

- He’s still smitten with Peach and has a little notebook in which he writes down different ideas for asking her out. If he decides to stick with a plan, he’ll usually have Meta Knight and King Dedede help him out with it.

- More than anything, Bowser cares deeply about being a good father to the Koopalings and constantly worries that someone or something will affect how they view him. If he loses a match, will they think he’s too weak? If he sides with Mario, will they think he’s gone soft? If he does something too evil, will they get scared and turn on him? What do other fighters say about him when he’s not around? Do they tell them good things, bad things, or something in between? Or do they, perhaps, say nothing at all? Bowser’s children love him, and he knows that, but he still can’t help but worry.

- Every time someone complains about the Koopalings’ antics, Bowser can’t help but chuckle. If they think one silly prank is bad, then they don’t want to see how they behave back home.

- Various fighters have mistaken him for a turtle upon first meeting him, but his reactions were vastly different depending on who it was and how they were saying it. Fighters like Lucas and Pit innocently believed that he was a giant turtle, to which he politely explained to them that he was something much different. Fighters like Ridley and Sephiroth, on the other hand, practically mocked him about it, which sent the Koopa King into a fiery fit of rage.

- Despite his wedding plans having been foiled, he still really wants to marry Peach. The Koopalings know that she’s not their real mother, but they still refer to her as such, which breaks his heart even more. He gets really infuriated if a fighter tries reminding them that Peach isn’t actually related to them.

- Kazooie really has it out for him for some reason. Banjo’s fine, but Kazooie does not like Bowser at all, going so far as to leave him “presents” outside his bedroom door.

- When the Koopalings are playing with some of the other younger fighters, they’ll often rope Bowser into the fun as well. This has caused him to form some unlikely bonds with fighters like Ness, Lucas, Villager, and Toon Link.

- They didn’t like each other initially, but over time, Bowser and K. Rool have become as close as brothers. Sure, their egos cause them to fight sometimes, but they’ll always have each other’s backs.

- Bowser is fully aware that he has a short temper and has actually been trying to keep it in check more often. He's making progress, albeit not very much.

- Nowadays, Bowser can keep his Giga form under control, but back then, there were many times in which he lost control as Giga Bowser and nearly destroyed the entire stage. It'd get so bad that both Master Hand and Crazy Hand would have to step in.

- It took him a while to adjust to the fact that there was another Roy in the mansion who was also essentially a prince.

- Knowing how many retro characters there are both on the roster and working as Assist Trophies, he silently prays that his imposter “twin” doesn’t show up. Bowser doesn’t know who that guy is or where he came from, but for a while he falsely referred to himself as “Bowser’s brother” and “the Duke of the Koopas”. One day, he just disappeared, which freaked him out even more. Will he ever return again? Bowser hopes not.

- Because Wario has a monstrous appetite, Bowser is often caught up in schemes to sneak him some extra food (which he'll only agree to if he gets his fair share of the grub). They almost always fail, though.

- Despite all of their differences, Bowser has actually become good friends with the other villains. Well, most of them. Sephiroth and Kazuya haven’t warmed up to him yet, and Dark Samus just freaks him out.

- However, their friendship does not mean that they don’t fight. The villains are all pretty hot-headed and prideful, so arguments break out frequently among them. Out of all of them, Bowser finds himself arguing with K. Rool and Ganondorf the most.

- One time, there was a gopher infestation in the gardens, and of all fighters, Master Hand decided to send Bowser, Ness, and Ike to deal with it. They were a heavily dysfunctional trio, but after a lot of trial and error, they managed to get it done.

- Bowser has his own giant scratching post that he’ll take his anger out on. It’s a miracle that thing is still in one piece.

- As feeble as he thinks Toad is, Bowser can’t help but admire his courage. No matter what, he’s always willing to stick up for people, especially Princess Peach. Unlike most others, Toad doesn’t cower in fear or run away upon crossing Bowser’s path. In fact, he’ll step straight into it if it means protecting someone from harm. Despite the two being on opposing sides, Bowser can’t help but have a weird respect for him.

- Bowser thought that since he had so many spikes on his back that he couldn’t possibly be used as a stepping stool, but he was proven wrong when Yoshi needed something on the top shelf of the fridge and the Koopa King was the only one around to help him. Ever since then, Yoshi, Jigglypuff, and even Olimar have used him to give them a boost on several occasions.

- One time, as a prank, Lemmy painted his shell blue while he was sleeping. Unbeknownst to him, that paint was a special permanent type and wouldn’t come off no matter what Bowser tried to do. The only way they managed to take it off was to have Robin cast some spell on it.

- His favorite song from the Smash soundtrack is King Bowser - Super Mario Bros. 3. It's literally his theme, but made better with all of the sick metal riffs—how could he not love it?

[fnaf-sxc]

THAT'S ADORABLE! (poor clown lol, he ruined his chances-)

Thank you 😭

[rottenpumpkin13]

Out of Context Shit Heard on the SOLDIER floor #4

A portion of these were sent in/inspired by an ask sent by @strawberrysnortshake

Zack: Ironically this isn't the first time I've accidentally eaten chalk.

Angeal: Attention everyone we're now taking votes. Raise your hand if you would sleep with Sephi—I DIDN'T FINISH SAYING HIS NAME PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN.

Kunsel: We're all out of duct tape. Angeal used the last of it to tape Genesis to the ceiling.

Sephiroth: Are you satisfied with your fish sticks, Zackary?

Genesis: Why does it smell like mommy issues in here—oh hi, Sephiroth.

Zack: I'm officially 23% goat milk.

Genesis: Well well well if it isn't my old nemesis, Heterosexuality.

Zack: Aww! 🥰 You're the antichrist!

Cloud: Yeah you're a SOLDIER alright, a sold your ass.

Zack: Where are we supposed to put this giant clown statue?

Lazard: WHY do you have a giant clown statue?

Sephiroth walking towards Genesis's office with a flamethrower: The goddess has had it good for far too long.

Essai: If we all chip in, we can finally buy Kunsel a face.

Genesis: I guess this means that the box labeled used illegal knick-knacks is off limits?

Roche: let's all dance maniacally and pretend we're gay!

Lazard: ANGEAL THAT ELEVATOR IS COMING OUT OF YOUR PAYCHECK!

Sephiroth: Are you, as the kids say, flexing on 'em?

Zack: Does anyone know what happened to my Sephiroth scented candle?

Sephiroth: I'll add murder supplies and can of whipped cream to the shopping list.

Luxiere: Let me guess, nobody cared about your light up sneakers?

Zack: 🎶 We take the pain out of paint 🎶

Roche: Have a slutty, slutty evening, director.

Angeal: Gen, can you let me have a cup of coffee before you start divulging your theories on why Cloud Strife is a time traveler?

Zack: I am going to default dance my way through hell!

Cloud: Cool trick! I'm a wizard now.

Genesis: I will start rumors about your sex life.

Lazard: Sephiroth I can't fire you, but I can mysteriously make sure you go bald.

Kunsel: This is a cave. Nothing really matters.

Sephiroth: how does one acquire a leprechaun? Can you order one online?

Roche: Commander Rhapsodos is so pretty. He reminds me of a prostitute.

Sephiroth: Genesis got me a journal for my birthday. I think I'm supposed to write down my feelings but I don't have enough pages for that.

Kunsel: when will we be free from the chains of foot pictures?

Genesis: If I find drugs in this office I'm confiscating it for my own personal use.

Lazard: Would anyone care to explain why there was a condom filled with grape jelly in the break room?

Zack(drunk): Good evening, my esteemed bastards.

Angeal: Bullying is only allowed on the SOLDIER floor if it makes Genesis cry.

Sephiroth: Mental healthn't.

Kunsel: is anyone here familiar with the concept of witchcraft? we're hexing Commander Rhapsodos at dawn.

Luxiere: Here kitty kitt—Oh that is a huuuge cat—OH IT'S GENERAL SEPHIROTH.

Angeal: Why did you spell salmonella as Sal Minella???? Who's Sal???

Sephiroth, while walking towards his office with an entire pie and a fork: Do not presume to question my actions.

Lazard: If we suffer any more budget cuts we're going to use Zack's hair as a broom.

Sephiroth: Which one of you locked Director Lazard in the Janitor's closet?

Cloud, watching Genesis recite LOVELESS: The evil gay red man is at it again.