#clerics will kill you

[yourplayersaidwhat]

“I’m not a moral backbone, per say. I’m more of a moral appendix. I’m here, but I’m apparently useless and sometimes I explode.”

-Our lawful good but also insanely anxious cleric’s player.

[wordswithloveee]

[alaughingcrow]

I am having.... a time, in DnD.

I am doing my best to play a character who is incredibly sketchy despite not being actually evil.

And I am putting the details under the read-more because this got long.

Like imaging you're in a group, alright, and this guy joins and he's got a big brand scar on his face - like the kind they do to criminals to ID them/keep them publicly ostracized. And he's a priest - but he won't tell you what god he serves, you just know it's to do with dead things (specifically: Grave Cleric - big on grave rights and things staying in the grave) and the symbol of his office is a pair of manacles that he never takes off his wrists. Also he's missing the front half of his tongue. He very occasionally makes some reference to having elf blood but he looks very human so you figure it was a few generations back. This is weird but not unrecoverable territory to open a campaign with.

You get stuck in a pocket dimension with this man (Barovia, we're playing Curse of Strahd). You find out he has a daughter he's never previously mentioned and you've never seen despite working with him for months. He makes a deal with a witch to ensure her life. (this witch also very explicitly bakes other children into pies, one of which he has eaten but this was pre-cannibalism confirmation (though post suggestion of cannibalism)). A few days later he resurrects a guy and then just kinda has the ability to drain his life force if he wants to.

He dies, in a cursed ass looking temple because this is Barovia. This is a sad but normal occurrence because this is Barovia and everything here is terrible and/or wants to kill you. Except then this giant spider made of smoke crawls out of his mouth and resurrects/transforms him and now he looks like an actual half elf and his brand's gone but his tongue is back (if a bit weird)(his eyes are dark voids now too - no distinction of pupil/iris/sclera). You ask him about this and he just... doesn't explain shit. (the answer is he's a warlock now but again, you don't know this (you also don't know his patron's the goddess of murder)).

Little while later you save a gang of kids from a bunch of werewolves and one of them is this sketchy wizard kid who tricks the ranger into letting him copy his memories (which involves the ranger getting hit with >50hp in psychic damage). This kid then disappears in the night and shows up the next morning with a pair of reanimated corpses. For no reason you can perceive, the Grave Cleric is just... fine with this. Apparently he helped dig them up. (You were not there for the discussion on the ethics of reanimating corpses not inhabited by souls).

And for some fucking reason you do not stop to question this. Or talk to the other party members about this. Or ever think that maybe you shouldn't trust this guy.

Like I am out here doing shit and the rest of the gang is like 'yeah this is normal'. Except for the Barbarian who's mostly just decided it's not his problem to deal with.

[ghurab-alzilal]

Damian: So you're going on a mission with Zatanna to the Middle East, right?

Raven: Yes, we leave tomorrow.

Damian: Well, there are some words you should memorize and use them with anyone you meet, okay? Repeat after me "ladaya sadiq."

Raven: La-dayaaa sa-diq?... Ladaya sadiq. What does it mean?

Damian: That's not the important thing, but don't forget to tell everyone there, you understand? All the lives around you could depend on it.

Raven: I understand, thanks for the advice, see you in a few days.

*The next day somewhere in the Middle East during a fight with some ifrites *

Raven, shouting out : LADAYA SADIQ!!!

An Imamah who went to help them : I'm happy for you but I don't think these demons really care if you have a boyfriend or not.

Raven: That's what it means?!

Imamah: *nods *

Raven, visibly upset : Well trust me, when I get my hands on him I'll stop having one.

[embrace-your-illithid]

hungy

[feelingtheaster99]

The HORRIBLE beat of silence when Kipperlilly kills Buddy… just the whole table with their jaws dropped, all in this terrible sense of grief and surprise

[moeblob]

Nytis, my loser demon cleric, about to lose it.

[essektheylyss]

Okay but can FCG actually take a level in gunslinger. If any cleric in this show has the energy to go full "I'm a healer, but— [cocks gun]" it is FCG.

[gods-favorite-autistic]

Keep in mind I have no idea how power word works however: Kristen Applebees should be given power word

[bounded-accuracy]

All that being said, there’s something weirdly endearing about a deity-in-training who can’t (yet) grant smites or divine interventions, so he has to run around smiting everything manually for his followers.

We keep giving the Ratgrinders shit for this powerleveling manuever, but the real dork here is Porter. Yes, I can grant you spells, but you have to notify me about the fight 1-2 business days in advance lmao.

(and before you come at me for poor-little-meow-meowing Porter, consider how seethingly he would hate it)

[tomurakii]

Look Kristen is a kid so its understandable and Ally is great and I'm sure has a plan for this. But Kristen should not be a cleric lol. I hope that after the wizard synogue incident Cassandra takes the Archfey deal to keep herself safe and Kristen loses her powers because honestly based on her RP that girl has NO wisdom. She has NEGATIVE wisdom. If you don't like the gods currently on offer but can't take responsibility for keeping a new one alive (because you're a kid) then you should just respec. Pick a charisma-based spellcaster class that doesn't require a bunch of work like the Int classes or responsibility like the Wis classes. Give up your soul to Fig (or just give it back to newly-Archfey Cassandra) for Warlock spells idk.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Warlock is suffocating from ghost matter in their throat, the party is trying to get it out.

Rogue: I’m gonna punch them in the stomach.

DM: ok, roll for it-

Rogue: 1.

DM: warlock, it does not help at all. In fact, it might be even MORE lodged in there, and now you feel like you’ve been punched in the stomach.

Warlock, ooc: someone dies tonight.

Cleric: Warlock, open your mouth realllly wide I have an idea.

*Cleric preceded to cast sacred flame down the warlock’s throat in hopes of using radiant damage to clear the ghost matter*

Cleric: I should roll for precision… and that’s a 5.

Cleric, ooc: Warlock I’m so sorry

DM: Hmm… Warlock, it feels like you’re eating raw judgement. Like that feeling of just shame. As if all your sins are being brought before you in your throat.

Monk, ooc: Like how when you ate a lot of food and your brain is like damn, fatass 

DM: yeah, like that. It doesn’t burn, but it feels like you’re on fire.

(long pause)

Cleric: … open reallly wide we’re gonna try again-

Warlock: MMMPH! 

[anarchypumpkincowboy]

If I had a nickel for every time the Rat Grinders killed their cleric I’d have two nickels

which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice right?? RIGHT???

[undefeatablesin]

Another WIP ft. Good Hunter Aloysha, who I have missed dearly 💫

[veddabredda]

here you go, here's just an outrageously high definition My Clerical Gnomance logo for all you freaks out there. also here's a dropbox link to it.

shoutout to Raven Blackhardt who made the font The Chemical Parade, available for free online at this link. (I'm like 99% sure that's what the folks at D20 used, too.)

[ruvviks]

you know the sex would be legendary