ardorathletics

[yourplayersaidwhat]

“JESUS CHRIST IS NOT CANON IN OUR WORLD. I REPEAT: JESUS CHRIST IS NOT CANON”

- the dm after saying “jesus christ” as an npc and realizing their mistake

[curse-of-dming-strahd]

Ireena: So a long time ago, a wizard came to town... Rogue: What? There's a fucking wizard now? Ireena: He gathered a mob and went to go confront Strahd, and... A battle broke out, and for a while it looked like he might actually beat Strahd... Until he didn't. Strahd defeated him in combat and chucked his body over a cliff and into the river thousands of feet below. Sorcerer: Wait, he didn't have Fly or anything? Feather Fall?? Monk: Yeah, sounds like a pretty shitty wizard if he couldn't even fly. Sorcerer: ...Are you sure this guy was a wizard? Rogue: Yeah, honestly? It sounds like you guys were getting grifted. Sorcerer: Did some guy just show up claiming to be a wizard and you all fell for it? Monk: Man, I really think you guys might have gotten scammed.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Paladin: We've got to take a long rest. We're a mess. I'm completely out of spell slots.

Ranger: We can't. We've only been awake for an hour!

Paladin: What? Really?

Barbarian: (groaning) Oh, we've had the worst morning.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Ranger: So, we can fight a demigod just fine, but none of us can hit this chicken for love nor money.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Paladin: Uh...by the power of Helm, I command thee, foul devil-spawn, stuff off back to thine own dimension and leave us alone!

DM: Intimidation check?

Paladin: That's a seven all up.

Ranger: Mm, you lost a couple points for "stuff off".

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Player [about PC]: Thankfully, she's somewhat more stab-proof now. She's 2 for 2 on deaths caused by pretty women stabbing her through the heart.

DM: aww, I'll miss stabbing you with pretty women. Wait, no-

Player: No, no, I don't want you to stop stabbing me with pretty women. [Laughs] I look forward to your continued attempts to stab me with pretty women.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Druid: Do you have any vegan bacon?

Tavern Master: Oh, you mean tree bark?

[yourplayersaidwhat]

“Well… glad to know Mario Party is actually an eldritch horror.”

-the Monk after the group got trapped in playing a life-size board game by a random entity

[yourplayersaidwhat]

[We at least found the old man we were asked to rescue and he’s currently unconscious, resting in a bed while the party discusses how to face the Blight problem.]

Cleric: (to DM) “How’s the old men doing?”

DM: “He’s almost dead. Not because he’s old, but because he has been severely beaten.”

Paladin: (is quiet, then takes a deep breath) “…is he hot?”

Everyone at the table laughs for a good minute.

DM: “I mean, he’s in his 60ies. Hard worker. Probably still somewhat toned. Silver fox material right there.”

Paladin: “…you know what they say. There’s many a good tune to be played on an old fiddle.”

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Party just killed an uwabami(japanese snake demon)

Ranger: Oh dude, we should have someone revive it so Barbarian can keep it as a pet

Paladin: Well we already decided we’re going to eat it

Ranger: I mean, you can resurrect something after you eat it

Paladin: Oh god

Barbarian: What a power play

DM: The ultimate intimidation check

Barbarian: “Hey, I just ate you and brought you back, and if you don’t be my pet I’ll eat you again”

DM: “Oh god no, please don’t eat me again”

[yourplayersaidwhat]

“I- yes, I impregnated a table, is that what you wanted to hear?”

-monk, ooc.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

DM: As you come down towards the town, you can see on the road ahead three large men blocking the track, one of them wearing plate armour.

Rogue: I’ll stealth up ahead and check out their deal.

Bard: Are they a mile away? Because I can just cast Clairvoyance and see what they’re up to over here.

DM: You can see them on the road, they’re within a mile.

Bard: Great, I’ll do that then.

Rogue: I think my character had his hood up and was getting down off the cart as he realised you were doing this.

(DM and Bard start laughing)

Rogue: ‘Oh, ok then.’

Sorcerer: Another traditional skill lost by using magic.

Ranger: It’s ridiculous.

Bard: 'Bloody magic users…’

DM: It’s AI all over again.

Sorcerer: Arcane Intelligence!

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Sorcerer: I am from Houston, Texxas Everyone else: "What the fuck is a Texas" (Context: Sorcerer built themself to be as average as possible, nicknamed "Average Joe")

[yourplayersaidwhat]

(having charged into combat and immediately crit on a demigod)

Ranger, wildly: AHAHAHA! Tiefling to the FACE, sucker!

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Context: During a two-player session, me (Human Sorcerer), friend (Firbolg Cleric), and a Fairy NPC were being chased through the woods by a horde of Darklings and spider monsters.

HS: "I think I've had this exact nightmare!"

FC: "I think I'm GOING to have this exact nightmare!"

[yourplayersaidwhat]

"He turned my RFK brainworm into an iPad baby"