#chaotic vents

[curiouschaosstarlight]

Bit random, but I hate trying to get any kind of diagnosis for what is, to me, increasingly obvious ADHD.

Like, I can focus when I'm in a doctor's appointment or with a therapist. It's the thing I allocate all my brain space to because I want so badly to be efficient, (and partially because I can't shake the feeling that, most easily summarized, "I want a Good Grade in being a patient (which is a totally normal thing to want and possible to achieve)"), and I usually take hours out of my day to mentally prepare right before an appointment. (And appointments usually don't last 4-8hrs.)

And I'm terrible at explaining myself. I always either explain so vaguely that my symptoms are shrugged off or misattributed, or, apparently, if I get TOO specific (because I've been looking into this shit), then it "looks like [I'm] trying to get drugs". (Apparently because adderall is a stimulant. Because...god forbid I want my stupid broken brain to work and I want people to fucking take me seriously for once instead of going "oh that doesn't mean anything"?)

No one will fucking listen to me. Even if I get my insurance back, I feel pretty sure I'll never get a fucking diagnosis because I can't convince ANYONE to just give me an ADHD test or refer me to a place that will actually take my insurance AND give me a test.

But at the same time, I can't work. I can't do my projects properly, I can't do school properly, and I can't work properly. For personal stuff, stuff that's supposed to be fun, I have to either wait for bursts of motivation, or try to push myself, which is almost physically painful when I don't have the hyperfixation driving me on it. For work or school, I can start off really strong, but once I get into the routine of it, I get bored and understimulated and it affects my performance. And that's IF I'm not in a high-stress situation, like a lunch rush or something, where my anxiety and ADHD will create a feedback loop that almost always shunts me into a full-on emotional breakdown.

And this is all apparently not disabled enough for me to qualify for disability.

I just want to be able to function like a human being, or not have to worry about food.

I don't know why that's apparently a fucking crime.

[cha0ticg0th]

What do you do when hope starts to feel like a luxury?

[hel7l7]

Please tell me things will get better

cause I don't believe it anymore

[golden-letters]

some days im mothering the child within me who never got her words of comfort

you’ll be fine, you’ll be fine, you’ll be fine

i say to her, hugging her knees, 

it’s going to be okay, you’ll make it, you’ll be fine

[professional-woman-kisser]

Mha headcanon: nezu travels through vents Pt. 2

Class 1A: *having a test*

Aizawa: well, imma go to the bathroom. Don’t do anything stupid, and DONT CHEAT.

Aizawa: *leaves*

Class 1A: *proceeds to collectively cheat, yelling the answers out loud for others to hear*

Midoriya: *looks up for no particular reason*

Nezu: *looking at everyone from a vent in the ceiling with a monotone expression* you all disappoint me.

[usefulquotes7]

Don't you dare question my loyalty, I have been loyal to you since the talking stage.

[alittolatte]

woke up feeling motivated to be the creator of my own reality and a teeny tiny minor inconvenience happened. my whole day is ruined now. I’m going to need 1-2 business days to recover. tyia.

[mindfulstudyquest]

starve your ego, find your peace

these are my personal thoughts, an outburst. if you want to share your opinion in the comments, i welcome it, but please be kind. if you just want to insult, go elsewhere. if you're not interested, don't read <3 i remind you that english is not my first language, so there may be a few mistakes.

ego, what an interesting word. it is a latin lemma which literally means "I", it indicates

the self, especially with a sense of self-importance.

(psychology, freudian) the most central part of the mind, which mediates with one's surroundings.

a person's self-esteem and opinion of themselves.

in a society like ours, we fight against our ego every day, the anxiety of constantly being in the spotlight, the overwhelming thought of having all eyes on us.

the idea we have of ourselves is the strongest chain that prevents us from freeing ourselves from this mental cage. both positively and negatively. if you have a distorted idea of yourself and low self-esteem, you will never be able to become your higher-self, to take that extra step that allows you to transform your daydreams into a solid reality, if you think you are unintelligent, you will tend to take this truth for granted. "i'm not smart enough for this" and you'll give up your dreams of a higher education, or of getting all A's on your finals, or of having a great and fulfilling job.

but sometimes we think too highly of ourselves too. i always joke that i make study plans like i'm a genius who studies 200 pages in a day, but the truth is, i'm not joking at all.

many of you will recognize themselves in the stereotype of the burned-out gifted kid, especially when you move to a higher level of education (from middle school to high school, or from high school to university) and at that moment all certainty of your acclaimed intelligence collapses. you are no longer in the pond with the small fish, now you are in the big tank with the big fish, relating to a much bigger world (at least in italy, the difference between high school and university is abysmal) and your brain will do everything to maintain an accurate simulacrum of your self-image.

in fact, your brain spends less energy processing two pieces of information that agrees rather than disagreeing information and since our biology is based on self-preservation, your mind will do everything to preserve its rightness. when i started university i was incredibly afraid of taking my first exam, why? because i didn't want to find out that i wasn't good enough for a more advanced education, that i wasn't the straight A's student i thought i was.

but waiting for the fear to go away will lead to you staying in the same place forever, because the fear only goes away if you face what you are afraid of, and yes, being afraid of exams may seem silly, but i'm sure many people who follow this blog will understand what it means to identify so much with your grades and to crave academic validation more than anything else.

so i did it, even though i was scared, i had to have the certainty that this was the right place for me, i studied hard, and i definitely rocked my exams. but then the spring exam session arrived, and the fear returned. tired and burned-out from the winter session i had little or no desire to study, so when the exam date approached, i was afraid of not achieving the same results as just two months before, so i postponed, i procrastinated, until the day before, i knew i had to study otherwise i wouldn't pass the exam, yet my brain continued to do everything to protect itself, to protect that completely crazy idea of myself that i could study the entire program in two days (i wish). i don't even have social media (tumblr and pinterest excluded), which is why i found every excuse possible not to study. i didn't want to sit at my desk and realize that i wasn't going to pass that exam, that i should have studied harder, try harder.

that is until i realized that it wasn't laziness or procrastination that was stopping me, or rather, procrastination was just a symptom of a bigger cause: a distorted image of myself. understanding this in my first year of university will perhaps change my next academic years, or perhaps not. i don't know how many of you have drawn these things or reached these conclusions, i just hope that you soon understand that you are not lazy, nor procrastinators, you are just humans who are afraid of failure like all other humans.

the problem arises now, how to change this image? i don't know yet, honestly, but i won't let it stop me from living my life.

uptade in the end i was so fucking lucky and got a 30/30 on my exam yesterday, but still at the cost of a lot of sanity, sleep and unjustified stress.

[curiouschaosstarlight]

Way Too Much Of The Fandom: "He's just an asshole!! No one should ever write him as anything else!! He's killed people!!"

Canon: "Willing to erase his entire personality just so he can be used by others"

Canon: "First instinct to finding out he was lied to about how his first friend died is to kill himself, because that being a lie completely erases any and all meaning behind all of his meaner actions"

Scaramouche/Wanderer's Actual Chinese Voice Actor:

[jasmineaoi]

Incorrect quote#

(Dad jokes)

Niece : uncle, i'm hungry.

Heniroksoo : hi hungry, i'm uncle.

Niece : ...

Invisible cjs : .....

GoD who's watching : ......

<<<<<<<<<<bonus>>>>>>>>>>>

Niece : *open team 1 whatsapp gp* hello, my uncle's bullshitting again. Send help

Heniroksoo : WAIT WAIT DEAR IM JOKIN-

[etinceelle]

Me angry

[golden-letters]

(here we go again) im not good at anything and i feel like time is running out and everyone is doing things and i am here dormant and watching and a witness to all of your glories and conquests and someone please help me i dont want to write my own tragedy

[cysticnotes]

My revenge bedtime procrastination was ruining it for me . Staying up till 4 satisfying my maladaptive daydreamer self and then telling myself I will wake up in 1.5 hours and study was getting too repetitive to be true . I tried finding purpose, they said it would be easier that way , that it wouldn't feel like a battle but rotten sides of mine speak louder . However now I have purpose , I remind myself of my mom's tears and friend's seemingly successful lives to stop myself momentarily from slipping away off my grip . I asked myself the other day -" why am I a typical maladaptive daydreamer ?" The answer was right in front of me - because I am terribly unhappy and dissatisfied with my present so I must live life in my head . And then I came across another thing on pinterest which told me my reality is literally in my hands which I realise to be true but I am ashamed as if I am given too much power and liberty, too much left upon me to decide and I wonder if I would have not been crying if someone else was there to take half of the decisions while my destination will lie in between us and my mate will run half the mile for me . I am oddly sure that she wouldn't be happy there too which again proves happiness is within yourself, find it inside of you , you are the source of everything u need .

And it takes around five minutes to go on a vent rampage out here and it feels worth it .

[honeypleasejustkillme]

“you’re so funny” thanks i literally have nothing else going for me

[incognito-melancholia]

Death cannot harm me more than you have harmed me, my beloved life!

[saintkafka]

I am sick of haunting myself from within like an old house.

— Erica Jong, from "Bitter Herb", Witches (as seen in Becoming Light: Poems New and Selected.