#cant. fix that without getting a job . so like
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rehyperfixating on a children’s game that came out in 2015, is one of the least popular entries in its series, and has minimal content, the vast majority of which i’ve seen before. the series has been dead for nearly 10 years, nothing has happened recently that would warrant anyone’s returning interest in it, very few of my friends give a shit about this specific game, and those few who played and liked it in the past have no reason to give a shit about it at all right now. i have been coasting through on a playthrough i’ve been doing with a friend who’d never seen the game before and who was kind enough to let me show it to them, but we just beat the game, and after we play the epilogue we will have nothing left to do, and on top of that they really have just been humoring me as they have their own very strong current hyperfixation they would much rather be thinking about. also i am depressed enough right now that literally nothing else except for waiting to play this game with them and playing this game with them and watching them enjoy it at least a little has been able to briefly quiet the constant cacophony in my head screaming how much of a worthless, lazy, constantly-failing miserable excuse for a living person i am and how much better everything would be, especially for myself, if i stopped existing lately. would anyone like to volunteer to 🔨💥⚒️Kill Me With Hammers🔨💥⚒️ because i would really like for someone to 🔨💥⚒️Kill Me With Hammers🔨💥⚒️ right now
#me.txt#delete ltr#and i like hearing my friends talk about and show me their interests but it isnt enoughhhh its not enough right now to make my head SHUT UP#right now the only thing that can give me energy is a hyperfixation like this#but with enough content and engagement from others to keep subsisting me without hitting a wall#SOMETHING THAT IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO DO WHEN YOU CANNOT DRAW OR WRITE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#BECAUSE WHEN NOBODY IS MAKING ANYTHING!!!!! AND YOU CANT MAKE ANYTHING FOR YOURSELF!!!!!!!!! ALL YOU CAN DO IS CURL UP AND STARVE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼#immmm so sick of the only thing that makes being alive feel worth it being hyperfixations theres nothing REAL tying me down i cant stand it#because i am!! too broken!!!! to ever achieve any of the things that WOULD give me a real solid tangible reason to keep living!!!!!!#like a stable job!!!! a place of my own!!! a partner whos dedicated to me above everyone else and me to them in return!!!!!!!#a LIFE that isnt just constantly failing over and over and waiting for the shoe to drop and to lose everything all over again!!!!!!!!!!!!#i dont have that!!! and i cant have that!!!!! because im too broken to be able to cultivate and maintain it!!!!!#and the only way. to fix myself enough to be able to do so.#would be to HAVE ENOUGH STABILITY THAT ID HAVE THE TIME AND ENERGY TO PUT INTO FIXING MYSELF AND HEALING#i cant fix myself without stability and freedom. and i cant get stability and freedom unless i’m fixed#so it is. literally impossible!!!!!!!#impossible to create my own concrete solid reason to be here.#impossible for me to even create anything to feed the fixations that are my backup reasons.#theres nothing!! nothing!!! i have nothing new to leap to and ive been dwindling for too long and i think i am about to drown#im just waiting for time to tick out. for me to fuck up too badly to come back from one last time and get found out and punished.#and then? theres nothing left. theres literally nothing else left for me
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this week has just. not been a good week (it's only Wednesday)
#i cant see my butch i had to take my grandma to the hospital last night im just so irritated i just want to stay at home but i have#a million things to do. i just spent £100 trying to get my laptop fixed but its impossible because the serial number is missing#and the manufacturer of my laptop doesnt let you see it via BIOS 😐 thats £100 i could've saved since i don't#have a job anymore and ive been without my laptop for a week while having to ship stuff off and it's rlly hard#without my computer! i don't want to go outside anymore i want to sit in the house and watch tv all day!!!!!!#like im blocking out the fact that i have to find a new job soon and soon that will bring anxiety and sadness 🙏#it never ends
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"If enough of us vote third party for president, we could actually GET somewhere with our policy goals!"
Baby girl you can't even get a majority of third party/independents in a single state legislature. In the past 30 years there have been seven independent/third party state governors, and of those, only three were genuinely independent. The rest either got elected as a R/D and switched mid-term when they alienated themselves from their state party, got elected as I and then switched to R/D during their terms (with some of them having served the R/D parties before), or served as proxy candidates with heavy backing and support from one of the major two parties. Even VERMONT, a relative stronghold for independent/third party candidates -- the place that brought you Bernie Sanders -- doesn't have a majority of third party candidates. And when I call them a stronghold, I mean they are the only state (I know of) that consistently elects (less than a handful of) Independent candidates to the state legislature; the place is still dominated by Ds and Rs.
"The highest power in the land can't actually be voted on so there's no reason to vote for the democrats"
Hey princess here are some high school civics question for you: How are Supreme Court judges nominated? :) By what process are they appointed? Who starts that process? :) Why is the Supreme Court considered reflective of who has won the presidency? :)
#the reason you 'cant get anywhere' with your policies is bc youre not the political strategists you think you are#some of you barely know how your own government functions and it fucking shows#and it would be one thing if i looked in ur bios and u were like. 15 or smthg.#but 30?!?!?! you're 30 yrs old and you dont understand that the rsn rvw was overturned under biden is bc trump got his foot in the door???#youre 30 and youll rant abt the long lasting effects of reagan's presidential policies but you cant fathom trump might have left#a similarly long-lasting legacy??#youre 30 and you think the echo chamber you put yourself in on the internet is proof that clrly a vast majority of ppl agree w u#and theres no need to play politics when the democrats couls just wave their wands and fix everything if they werent so evil#despite the fact that both of the ladt two elections about half the population was voting for trump???#the tight margins btwn repub and democrat in congress shld tell you that#you are 30 and dont understand what strategic voting is?#youre 30 and you dont understand the difference between state laws and federal laws#youre 30 and youre upset that joe biden is a 'fascist dictator' but not in the way that gives you everything you want?#youre 30 and youre acting like biden and the dems operate in a vacuum without interference feom political enemies and#moneyed interests that have thrown up lawsuits and obstructionist tactics and misinformation#everytime the try to do something good?#youre 30 and you think palestine will be saved if joe's not in office when the only other viable candidate in the running#was cozy with netanyahu and advocated 'finishing the job' re:palestine and moved the embassy to jerusalem#in a clr fuck you to any palestinian feelings?#youre 30??? youre 30 and you never outgrew the 'mommy and daddy made me mad so I'm gonna smoke to get back at them' mentality???
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i am getting. actually kind of close to completing the (reasonable) parts of my collection
#like there are 3 things i expect to take me 5 years. if ever. to get my hands on (unless i somehow get a job that pays x4 my current one)#but aside from that im at like 4-5 things left. just got another thing today! damaged but it kinda works for it. cant wait for it to arrive#and i'm not gonna find a better price then 30% off og retail when it usually sells for 30% More nowadays#btw by collection i mean. everything i am collecting. not just spop. but mostly spop lol#i get Itchy when i go 1-2+ months without finding anything#so whenever something pops up at a good price it feels good to relieve that even when the itch was focusing on a different thing atm#i love deleting a saved search i've had for ages lol#mylife#i told my mom 'i dont want to collect just to collect :(' <- feels guilty about consumerism#and my mom was like. but you are a collector. you like to collect things. a lot of people do lol#and then i was like oh okay. somehow that fixed my guilt
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ive been wondering why ive been coughing and feeling shitty the past several days and worried I was sick. but I think it was my partner's laptop battery swelling and possibly releasing toxic gases or smth bc once we took it to be disposed of we both started feeling a lot better 💀
#genuinely freaked out when she pointed it out#bc it was sooo bad looking#popped a lot of the chasis lol#ive never had this happen before and like this is my old laptop so its kinda crazy lol#it works without the battery luckily just being plugged in#ordered myself a new laptop anyways since mine has been having a lot of issues and I need smth beefier for 3d stuff#which ive been wanting to get into more#and ill use my current one for school next year after I send it in with the warranty its still under#the person who fixed my laptops keyboard broke a lot of other minor things#like it cant connect to wifi without an adapter and the mousepad doesn't work#and it freezes a lot#ive put up with it bc i cant afford to wait while its shipped out for repair bc of my job#but if i have a new laptop I can wait the month or however long it'll take to get it fixed properly#and maybe if it comes down to it I can just sell it after its fixed#i spend 80% of most waking days on my laptop so I think its a justifiable expense
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My therapist hates me
#either that or she just really doesn’t give a shit#she’s always so silently annoyed whenever i cant do something. like. sorry. your job is to fix that#i feel like she keeps trying to get rid of me. and i want to take her up on her offer to switch therapists but that’s so much stress#i kind of hate her too#she’s so impatient with me#she’s like ‘can you tell me why you do this?’ NO?!?! THATS WHY IM HERE#i liked my old therapist but my parents switched me out without consulting me. which is a whole other issue that im not gonna think about#anyways. sorry ive been an emotional wreck. its been a crazy month
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ok thats it i literally need a new job now .
#i know i bitch and moan a lot abt my job. but not without good reason!#however i really want to get out of here now today.#fucking. supervisor who keeps telling me to do more as far as maintaining the coffee area#when 90% of the issues are actually fault of the dumbass stock traders we make coffee for who dont know how to make a cup of coffee#and cant clean up after themselves. and i get that its my job but this is also just fucking stupid#and normally she tells me this stuff in the area where i brew the coffee which is more or less away from people#its at least more away from people than the hallway where the coffee station is where people always are#which is where she chose to loudly tell me more things i should be doing#maybe don't fucking do that in front of the people i do this stuff for! now they think im a fucking idiot!#like that's just. idk kind of unprofessional to me like you don't lecture your employees in front of customers#if we're so concerned abt the appearance and image of the service we provide (which this place is concerned way too much with)#then idk maybe talking abt that kind of stuff should be done more privately. or at least quietly#like she wasnt yelling at me but like everyone around could clearly hear it#but like ive said before i cant standddddd this job anymore.#so i might apply for that store leader job at gregorys coffee#even though the work culture there seems like a different kind of annoying#id at least be making Much More and also closer to where i live so#i just have to fix up my resume and make it seem like i can handle more of a management kinda job
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🚬🧸🧃🎀
#anyway so yeah im so sick of hating myself. of missing out on things and being too scared to go after things i want when i have the chance#so sick of almost being 25 and having spent almost 6 years alone in my room missing out on life#and my mom and sister might be moving in the not too distant future#so i have to try to get my life together for real now!!! or homelessness will be awaiting me :D#what i will try to do.. is start going to the gym (w my mom so i dont have to deal w the anxiety of an unknown place by myself sksk)#i'll workout 3-5 times a week. every week. i like going to the gym so if i just get started i dont have a doubt i'll not be able to do it#i'll focus on finishing my english class. hopefully in december even if i have the possibility to get it extended a few months#then i'll start my other 4 classes in january#i'll be patient and wait for my ultrasound and get the gallstone situation fixed (latest in january if i need surgery)#(and i have to try to make sure i eat properly so i dont wind up with b12 deficiency... i cant eat anything without pain but i have to..)#also i have an appt at the psychiatric in mid october. and im still waiting on what my healthcare center says. hopefully i can get cbt#if possible i will really really try to apply for jobs as a personal assistant sometime between january-may#if i have a job instead of being on wellfare i will 1) have way more money 2) not feel constabtly anxious abt being rejected and homeless#i'll stop caring abt me being 'old' and a late bloomer. the planet is dying. who cares if im 28 and start university????#i'll take my time to finish high school. and the thing is i really should get a job before starting higher vocational education#bc the program i want to start i HAVE to have a laptop. and theres no way i can afford that now. cant even save up to it#also need to find and put myself up on waiting lists for student housing/apartments so i can actually move#i hate this city and i need to get the fuck out of here!!!!#but the world is crazy rn and it's super hard to find places to live and find jobs but it's not impossible so i need to try#i cant live like this & i have no idea how tf i'll manage to be a normal person and have a life but i need to try bc what else am i gnna do?
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wiki how do I stop spiraling about my life once every 2 weeks I'm getting sick of it
#personal#i just want to make things so bad#it hurts to even look at something anyones made bc im not doing it#i started so late and its still so hard. i got months without doing anything bc im just exhausted from daily life#if i spend more time with my girlfriends i feel like im closer to them but then i have no time for art#if im making something im spending less time with them#and i like my job so much. i really do. i even considered just saying fuck it and going into library sciences#but i still come home barely able or willing to talk sometimes. and i dont know how to fix that#and i feel so unfulfilled and extremely lonely even tho i have friends#but i can barely get myself to draw or write even when i have so many ideas#i feel so uncomfortable in my body and so tired of trying with therapists and doctors#all of it makes me so anxious i feel sick#so Frustrated i feel dizzy. and then i still cant do anything!!!!#i dont want to live here anymore i just want to be with everyone else. but everyone is moving away or planning to. us included#but no one in the same place. it makes me so sad#i dont know what to do or how to do it when i dont have motivation to do the bare minimum#maybe i just like torturing myself by thinking i can do the things i want instead of aceepting i cant. :/ cringes#for anyone that has somehow read this far ill be ok in like 20 minutes im just having a moment dw. im fine. will handle it like an adult#and not spend to much time thinking about this
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when people complain about games like genshin and star rail trying to push you to spend money, I laugh because that's just them being bad at self control if they give in and feel the need to spend. you can play completely free and be absolutely fine. I was f2p on genshin for 2 years before I got the welkin to help while streaming on twitch to get a few more pulls to do at the end of my streams for entertainment. before that, I got every single character I wanted and a few weapons f2p (just from simply playing the game!) even with horrible luck (my average pity was 78-80 per 5 star. i think only 2 so far in my whole genshin career were under 75. and a handful of loses as well) so don't complain if you can't resist the urge. that's on you. they don't force you to spend. if you play the game normally and aren't trying to get every single character/weapon, then you don't need to spend.
but ALSO. the reason you can even play the games for free and we get such great high-quality content is BECAUSE PEOPLE PUT MONEY INTO IT. if no one did, you'd have to pay like idk, $80 or whatever games cost these days to buy, PLUS probably pay for every update like it's a DLC, so another, i don't know, $20 every couple months? or have to subscribe monthly to play. the fact that you get it all for free is because other people pay for stuff. so stop complaining about things costing real money and the fact that other people even pay for it, and start thanking the people who put money into it so you others who can't afford it don't have to!
#im pretty sure this is an unpopular opinion but its realistic#ive never seen anyone say this. ive literally only seen people complain that they feel like they need to spend money when they dont#im also not taking criticism on this opinion ao dont reply#my $5 monthly helps keep the game free so you dont have to spend a cent youre welcome 😉#i often see things come up with these discussions like theyre greedy and dont help f2p players and dont do certain good things etc#but im not talking about that here and thats off topic so dont reply with any of that lmao#im simply talking about if you actually play the game you will have no trouble getting like 15 5stars all f2p without spending#out in the time and effort and get rewarded or work irl and use money from your job. you have 2 choices. same outcome.#put*#why do tags not have autocorrecr and fix my bad typing!#i got like 18 or 19 5 star characters/weapons all f2p so maybe i dont see the issue. people talk like they cant get ANY f2p but ??????#so i dont get the “you cant get any 5 stars unless you soend money” thing when i got half of the characters in genshin f2p lmao#lee rambles#lee text
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like i think if i tried to flirt with somebody id just be like . Hi. and then id get scared and have to run away to have a panic attack
#its so embarassing. but once my life is better ill be normal again#i need to start working on it. i think ill have to get the ged b4 i can get a job. Note to self to start working on that. bc so far no jobs#r biting for highschool dropout with no license who has never worked a job for more than a year. Weirdly....#i also will talk to mein mamma to see abt umm. me possibly getting like... a pcp again and getting back on t and maybe getting back into#therapy. i cn make my own appts and stuff its just. Transportation#i think were supposed to be getting a car again soon gd willing...#and one day i should probably work on learning to drive. im just like very terrified of it#+ idk if ill ever be able to afford a car. and idk if im responsible enough for a car. and stuff... SIGH#ideally ill live in a city or smth where its easier to walk to places or just get rides. but cities expensive and etc. i hope i can get a#job somewhere close that isnt super inconvenient for my parents to drive me until i cn drive#i also. skull. i never got my id updated or anything . It has been like 7 months. BEAUTIFUL WOMEN ! wtvr.#im also quite paranoid abt how long i havent had a job bc i feel like it might also be playing a part in why im not getting any jobs. but i#cant. fix that without getting a job . so like#SIGH. but its whatever itll work out. and if it doesnt ive got a plan for that also. so all is well
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i want to have a meltdown about being overwhelmed and im tired of seeing socially awkward people blame their every action on "autism" when none of them have ever interacted with an actually autistic person who has physical outbursts and limited vocabulary and watering down what the meaning of autism is and im tired of people talking about gay sex because nobody except them is talking about gay sex when we could be talking about anything else and i can't handle physical touch anymore and my stomach has been hurting for 2 days and im TIRED
#i hate my job my credit card is maxed ive been trying to move for 2 months#i cant drink anymore and nobody is selling my vape juice and the only way i feel peace is if im stoned off my nuts#i dont know how to communicate my emotions without freaking out and my blankets are constantly tangled#my neck is killing me but like only in a specific spot that's making me feel like i have a throbbing headache#i feel too perceived and not enough no matter how much i say “please don't look over my shoulder when im using tech#because it makes me incredibly self conscious and like i have to defend my every action#but my mother yells at me every time i even start to say “in my defense” and i feel like a fucking child again#i havent cooked a proper meal in over a year and i lost 5 months of the year last year because i was trapped in the basement#by an abusive dickhead who wouldn't move out of my house#and now his truck is taking up my entire driveway and ive spent over $500 on getting my car fixed so i can register it because#im a year fucking late doing it and all canadian tire is doing is fucking me around#i cant afford a vacation and my body fucking hurts and my job wont give me any more hours and it took me#8 months to find one fucking job because nobody is hiring and my FUCKING SQUISHMALLOW ADDICTION IS TAKING OVER MY BED AND I CANT FUCKING#STOP#fuck all i want is to stop
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i did not finish all of perennials but whatever
#logbook#its fine my job is pointless i cant ask for help without doubling back bc it all falls on me anyways i have to prioritize the help ppl give#so it doesnt go to waste. snd its not like it matters bc it'll just be fucked up again but its fixed just not communicated WHATEVER. WHATEV#im so mad ive cooled off but hoooooly fuck. my supe fucking. recieved plants wr didnt get!!! that she was communicated abt !!#was so tempted to leave them in but then ppl would come to buy and its not fair on them#and its not like shed get into trouble. . . .bro other shit happened i was done by 2:30 lol#i hate my job. whatever. next week we have 9 deliveries so i'll have some stuff in between doing maps.
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#good god. good hell. not to be ungrateful for my life and comforts but im straight up not having a good time#setting in that the family members who have needed to borrow money are asking for more then they can give back#so im going to need to accept that im not getting most of that back#and im gonna need to learn to say no to people who i care for who need money i have that i can spare because everyone has shit self control#maybe with the money i save ill be able to replace stuff the people who borrow mock me for. like the torn jacket that i like.#or i can replace my computer for myself instead of waiting for a late christmas gift promise to finish itself after breaking down#or i can get a mattress that isnt so stuffed with mold that i can sleep on it without having an asthma attack#or maybe i can try moving to an apartment and splitting the rent with my brother#house was a whole lot cleaner when everyone else was away on vaccation.#people only talk to me when they want something so its not like i could miss them anymore then i already do#i wish i had a job i do NOT want to get a job everything is hell for not-hell rewards#if there was a little guinnea pig in a very very cold planet and it didnt freeze to death but was always in pain#theres a point where you would go like. okay show's over we tried.#and he and i a#im tired#theres a point where problems arent worth fixing and a point where the problems win. im not in the right mental space to judge.#im worried things wont get better and ill just need to grasp for less and less comfort as i live because itll still be better then nothing#knowing i cant trust my own judgement keeps me safe but is making me live for a future that might not happen#ill be honest i think its like. 1 in 20 of happening. but i cant trust my own judgement. unless its in hindsight.#venting ig
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Ooooooghhhhhhhhh stressed 🥺
#dont wanna see family tomorrow and im sleeping saur bad lately i couldnt sleep last night and then had a typical fever dream#which gave me a really cute idea for a movie so im gonna keep it in my pocket#but it was one of those things where its like it says a whole lot about me and my trauma and its stressful#um um um and also im juggling all these different things like im sewing im trying to finally write im trying to draw again#while feeling like im failing at it all and then like i still gotta find fuckinnnnn job i neeeeeed money#this time of year is always really hard for me i hate when its warm again i hate easter and i hate knowing that summer is coming#aaghhhh rn im ticking and stimming really bad and im having trouble breathing hnnghhh#and im very sweaty lol i always get so sweaty when i dont sleep good i dont get it#also i think im just horrible like the one person i wanna talk to probably is getting tired of my constant life crisis and how needy i am#and theyre probably off being better without me there and im just a burden and then my therapist idk about him#i dont feel like hes really giving me anything like when i talk about how stressed and unsafe i am hes like you gotta find a way to cope#and he doesnt really tell me how exactly i should do that like mate thats why im here i need the help you cant just listen to me panic and#go ‘wow you need to fix that’ ughhhh and i think hes mad at me because i dont think he believes me anymore when i say im in an abusive#situation and that ive been controlled my whole life by everyone and i have never felt safe#and its just like ughhh like i feel like no one believes me anymore and theyre all fed up with my bullshit incompetence and constant#bellyaching and im a horrible friend and a liar and probably just being dramatic as fuck making myself believe im being abused when in#reality im the abuser the ungrateful brat who treats his family like shit and cant trust them even though they seem so perfect to everyone#and im so stupid and toxic for trying to run away and for being scared to death here#thats how its feeling anyway idk everyone is just. weird and im losing my grip on reality and cant tell whats real anymore
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maybe i WILL get to move back home
#the bin#i talked to my mom and things might go ok but idk#i just have to wait and see but i desperately hope i can move. i need to see a doctor so bad. my whole body feels horrible all the time#and my tooth has gotten so much worse. i can deal with it if thres an end date. i cant deal with it indefinitely. and i cant afford to get#it fixed without insurance. i would rather die than deal with this shit for another however long i have to i CAN NOT do that#esp bc i would need to go to work while experiencing it. idk. im shaky literally ALL the time and my insides alwyas hurt and my joints#hurt so much too. and half the time im at work my chest hurts and i cant see straight. i cant fuckin do this anymorew.#apparently my dad might be getting a new job so their landlord might be more willing to renew but idk. she said she should know on april 1st#which isnt that far away but idk. i mean. its not impossible theyll renew. who knows. i hope so.#i know at keast thst i have a way to get there if there is a place for me to live so thats good. my health cant take this anymore. and im#also not able to emotionally. idk what other option i have but. god. its hard enough as is. im having like a perpetual panic attack since i#found out i probs wont get to move. im tryna be optimistic. i dont think im physically capable of staying here any longer#it was hard enough to stay herenthis extra yearm ive been having breakdowns repeatedly over it. and my physical health keeps worsening#i miss my little sister. i wanna be able to see the people i care about. theres so few people in the world i enjoy being around and i dont#get to see them ever. instead i have to see my second least favorite person in the world in order to even just get groceries#hhhh. i want the time to pass so i can know for sure but i also desperately dont wnat it to cause im so scared itll be bad news#whatever. i will hope and believe that itll work out until i know that it wont. hhhhh. worst case scenario i guess ill just have to save up#and figure out moving there later on but like. i was really happy to NOT have to worry abt rent or working so i could focus on my health and#then i could go back that that stuff. oh well
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