#cant. fix that without getting a job . so like
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Candy - Che Ecru
Authors Note: This is a Toji fanfic;) Ive been saying i was working on a fanfic so here it is? i hope its up to standards, and for all you horn balls ill highlight the first word of where the smut starts
Summary: Reader is a young and broke dropout who was offered a job as a bartender at a strip club since she was friends with the owner. toji is a divorced single alcoholic
Wc: 2,621
Cws: Oral, rough s*x, An*l, creamp!es, p in v, nsfw, smut, dacryphilia, doggy, age gap, spit, c*m play, tummy bulge, size kink, toji is BIG, daddy kink, headlock, biting, choking, slight p!ss, reader has daddy issues, Not proof read!!
Being a drop out college student meant being on bad terms with your family, not contacting them for months, and working as a bartender at a strip club. Which also meant dealing with creepy old men wanting to fuck you on the daily, but it was the only way for you to pay for your cheap lower class apartment. You had daddy issues mommy issues shit, all kinds of issues, you hated your life and would kill to change it. but you cant, so you get dressed putting on your work uniform (a skirt and white collard shirt) and look in the mirror straightening yourself up and brushing your hair, throwing on whatever makeup fixed your eye bags. You grab your keys and purse and walk out the front door, and down the stairs of your apartment, "y/nnnn i feel like i never see you, you work late yeah?" the creepy old man at the front desk always tried to make small talk with you and you always tried your best to ignore him and walk faster out the broken revolving doors that lead into the apartment complex. Once your out you scramble for your keys in your purse and unlock your car door.
The drive feels short but you wish it felt long, you dreaded work but once again the bills aren't going to pay there self. You get out of your car and walk to the more expensive revolving doors that lead into the strip club, unlike the ones to the apartment complex these one actually work. "y/n! omg i feel like i havent seen you in forever" one of the girls run up to you and give you a hug squeezing you so tight you feel like you actually cant breath "didnt you see me yesterday?"you let out a soft giggle patting her back slightly as she lets go of the tight hug she had on you "hmmph yesterday was a long time" she pouts "i have to get working ill see you later yeah"
you set your stuff in the employee locker room and walk out to the bar table serving people there drinks and receiving tips from people who are probably to drunk to even drive home but is it bad you couldn't care less? "can i get the cotton Candy margarita" you hear a deep raspy voice from behind you as you were putting away a few bottles you turn around and see the man who was talking to you, he looked like shit, i mean no he was attractive but he looked like he had just been through the worst moments of his life "you gonna get me my drink, sweets? or no" you scramble for your words "o-oh yeah sorry about that" you turn back around embarrassed for staring make him his drink and hand it to him and like every start of some cheesy romance show, your fingers brush and you try to think nothing of it until he try to make small talk with you "you look pretty young to be working here ma, how old are you?" you stare again, not because he looks like shit but because this guy is huge like muscles that could crush you on accident without even trying, "your staring" you snap out of your gaze "oh- uhm I'm sorry, I'm 22 recently- my friends owns the place so he gave me a job here since i was kind of looking for a job" you stop yourself before you go on a ramble about how your a drop out low class apartment living failure "ahhh i see" he takes a sip of his drink looking around the bar and back at you, this time up and down like he's checking you out, you look away and clean a cup to act like your distracted or busy. "do you dance?" your eyes snap back to him giving him your full attention "dance?", "yeah like on the poles and shit" of course he meant that, gosh you feel so stupid "oh- uhm no I've never tried it before, I'm to shy for that kind of stuff." your eyes go back down to the cup you were cleaning "thats a shame" thats a shame? what does he mean thats a shame? does he wanna see you half naked on a pole? no you don't even know the guy. thoughts rush through your mind completely distracted to the fact that the guy has already left and also, left a $100 bill on the counter, your a bit disapointed you didnt get to say bye but whatever.
You walk back to to the locker room to grab your stuff, you walk outside in the cold fresh air and get inside your car to drive home, but this drive felt long, unlike it was driving to work, driving home you couldn't stop thinking about the interaction with that man, yes yes you have spoken with many people at work serving them drinking, shit you even have regulars who come in everyday and speak to you, but this guy was oddly mysterious and come on the way he just left?the $100 tip? way weird. But before you can stop thinking about it, your already home stepping out of the car and into those broken revolving doors that you need to push to get past, luckily that weird creepy guy isn't on his shift and its a lady who's about to fall asleep, i mean it is roughly 2am so its completely valid, you take the elavator all the way up to your floor and walk down the eerily quiet hallway, you dig for your keys in your purse and unlock the door and sigh as you step into your sad embarassingly small apartment, you set your stuff on the counter and sit on your bed to count your tips, you go through them when you come across the $100 bill and see something on the back of it, his phone number, you look confused not knowing if this was an accident or he meant to do it. you ignore it and put the cash away in your nightstand and stand up to take a shower and get ready for bed you turn on the shower and strip off your work clothes waiting until the shower is warm enough to step in.
You step out of the steamy hot bathroom and dry your body off scrambling through your drawer to find some pj's, once you do you climb into bed and stare at your ceiling not able to get that man and the phone number off of your mind, you grab the $100 bill from your nightstand drawer and text the number, only to see if he meant to put it or if it was an accident of course, "hey, this is the girl from the strip club, the bartender who served you your drink, did you mean to put your number on the bill or?" send. you set your phone down not expecting him to respond to the text immediately since it is 2am at night, *ding* your phone goes off just as your about to close your eyes, you reach for your phone and see the number pop up as a message notification "Hey sweets, you can start by saying thank you for the tip" you read the message slightly annoyed "thank you." you type back and hit send before falling asleep not being able to stay up any longer.
You wake up to your alarm and check your phone to see no reply back from him, you notice you don't even know his name but you move on with your day as that was just a random thought, when the time arrives to get ready for work you do your usual routine and grab your keys having that creepy guys at the front desk try to make small talk while you quickly walk out, the get to work and start taking peoples orders, and it is BUSY your exhausted as the night drags on, but then that same man comes by "hey sweets" you look up at him "you didn't answer my text" you say in a softer voice than usual, you hate to admit you were a bit sad he didn't text you back, even though you didn't even know him or his name, your life was insanely boring and he made it slightly interesting "what was i supposed to say to a thank you?" he pouts and you almost believe he was actually sad you didn't start a real conversations, you change the subject "i don't even know your name" you say softly looking at the empty glass in your hand pretending to be occupied so you don't have to look him in the eye "Toji". "Toji" you repeat feeling the way it rolls of your tongue "it sounds nice coming from you sweets" he says resting his chin in the palm of his hand, and you cant help but feel your face heat up a bit "im y/n, your weirdly comfortable to someone you don't even know" you say with a smile finally making eye contact with him, "let me take you out" your face visibly heat up at the sudden ask, take you out? he doesn't even know you but how could you not, i mean look at him. "okay" you say acting unbothered trying to hide the fact your screaming inside "perfect, ill pick you up after your shift" he says it so calmly like none of this is new to him.
Next thing you know you're getting into a mans car you barely know, "you buckled up ma?" you nod nervous for what your getting yourself into "where are we even going, its super late i doubt anywhere is open." he shakes his head "don't worry that pretty little head of yours alright?" and you listen obediently sitting patiently in the passenger seat of his car. he pulls up to an expensive looking building and thats when you realize its a penthouse, your at his house, on the first time going out with him? i mean your already here and you cant change your mind now. He gets out and runs to the other side of the car to open the door for you before holding his hand out to help you out of the car, you look up at the building as you step out, you have butterflies swimming in your stomach, you hands are sweaty your scared if he can feel it, "cmon ma no need to be nervous" he kneels in front of you putting his face in your hand looking up at you "i have sum good food, games, i don't expect anything from you i just want you to have a good time ma" oh this man is down bad which is surprising for how scary and big he looks, but you give in feeling more comfortable and not as he gets up and leads you inside and into the elevator you both walk into his dimly lit penthouse and your shocked, food on the island table, a pool table, being a broke drop out you never thought you could ever step foot in a place like this or breath near a place like this, you look around fascinated and excited at the food "did you make this?" Toji wont lie to you he didn't make it, his house keeper did "hah, no i have a house keeper she's a great cook" you look around at all the sweets and eat a cupcake happily, he comes up behind you hugging your waist and resting his chin on your shoulder "is this okay ma?" you nod slowly shocked but comfortable having the man twice your size hold you like this, in some way you felt safe even though being here with a man you haven't even known for a week is probably insanely dangerous.
And it was, because next thing you know your getting your brains fucked out on the living room couch, he's putting you in doggy style forcing your back in a arch you didnt even know you could do, pounding his cock into your warm cunt, bullying your cervix with his fat tip kissing it and your g spot making you feel that deep stretch with his girth, your eyes rolling to the back of your head as wet *plap plap* noises fill the room while you gush all over his cock and balls, "f-fuck baby your pussy's so h-hah tight" he's digging his nails into your hips you swear it will leave marks in the morning, he leans forward putting his weight and chest on your back as his arm reaches around putting you in a headlock that makes your brain feel fuzzy and your vision go blurry, all you can feel is his cock drilling your pussy "h-hnngh T-toji s-stop -i need to -pee" he thrusts even faster you swear he's just being mean "h-hah i don't care" you whine and try to squirm away from his cock but the headlock he has on you keeps you in place "T-toji seriouslyyy" he uses his other hand that was on your hip to reach under you and push on your bladder "i s-said i don't care" you whine and piss on his cock and his thrusts only get faster "f-fuck your such a dirty fucking slut on my c-cock" he bites down on your neck trying to muffle his whimpers and grunts, he moves his hand towards your lower belly feeling the bulge in your tummy "f-fuck you f-feel that baby? thats d-daddys cock drillin your belly" you start crying from the overstimulation and the orgasms hes taken out of your body "f-fuck baby your so small compared to me, i don't even know how this small little hole is taking me s-so well- oh fuck!" you feel warm thick spurts of cum fill your hole shooting directly at your cervix as he pumps it deep into you with long slow thrusts making sure you get your fill, "fuckkk baby just like that- milk daddy's cock cmon sweets don't s-stop" he flips you over onto your back as he slips out of your gaping pussy so he can watch the mix of juices run out of your hole and onto the bed sheets "fuck baby your beautiful" he climbs closer to you hooking his arms under your legs spreading them wider as he settles his face between your thighs licking his dry lips before leaning in and looking up at you with his gorgeous eyes. Sucking on your clit flicking it with his tongue before giving your hole attention, sticking his two thumbs inside and spreading it wide so he can look inside, "fuck i filled you up good huh baby?" he sticks his tongue in fucking it in and out tasting the mix of you both combined spitting on your pussy and playing with it "fuck baby, tastes js like Candy" he uses 2 fingers sticking them inside while he sucks on your clit while your a crying whiney mess trying to push his head away but it just makes him flick his tongue faster on your clit, "T-toji s-stop it i cant-" tears stream down your face from the overstimulation "your so pretty when you cry baby, you have no idea" and once you cum one last time for him he kisses your clit before crawling back up to you and hugging your waist pulling you up close to him and kissing all over your neck before having you fall asleep on top of his massive body that you barely cover half of.
#fypツ#fyp#headcanon#jujutsu kaisen#jjk x reader#18+ mdni#fictional other#jjk smut#for you page#fanfic#smutfic#jjk fanfic#jjk fic#tumblr fyp#Spotify
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rehyperfixating on a children’s game that came out in 2015, is one of the least popular entries in its series, and has minimal content, the vast majority of which i’ve seen before. the series has been dead for nearly 10 years, nothing has happened recently that would warrant anyone’s returning interest in it, very few of my friends give a shit about this specific game, and those few who played and liked it in the past have no reason to give a shit about it at all right now. i have been coasting through on a playthrough i’ve been doing with a friend who’d never seen the game before and who was kind enough to let me show it to them, but we just beat the game, and after we play the epilogue we will have nothing left to do, and on top of that they really have just been humoring me as they have their own very strong current hyperfixation they would much rather be thinking about. also i am depressed enough right now that literally nothing else except for waiting to play this game with them and playing this game with them and watching them enjoy it at least a little has been able to briefly quiet the constant cacophony in my head screaming how much of a worthless, lazy, constantly-failing miserable excuse for a living person i am and how much better everything would be, especially for myself, if i stopped existing lately. would anyone like to volunteer to 🔨💥⚒️Kill Me With Hammers🔨💥⚒️ because i would really like for someone to 🔨💥⚒️Kill Me With Hammers🔨💥⚒️ right now
#me.txt#delete ltr#and i like hearing my friends talk about and show me their interests but it isnt enoughhhh its not enough right now to make my head SHUT UP#right now the only thing that can give me energy is a hyperfixation like this#but with enough content and engagement from others to keep subsisting me without hitting a wall#SOMETHING THAT IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO DO WHEN YOU CANNOT DRAW OR WRITE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#BECAUSE WHEN NOBODY IS MAKING ANYTHING!!!!! AND YOU CANT MAKE ANYTHING FOR YOURSELF!!!!!!!!! ALL YOU CAN DO IS CURL UP AND STARVE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼#immmm so sick of the only thing that makes being alive feel worth it being hyperfixations theres nothing REAL tying me down i cant stand it#because i am!! too broken!!!! to ever achieve any of the things that WOULD give me a real solid tangible reason to keep living!!!!!!#like a stable job!!!! a place of my own!!! a partner whos dedicated to me above everyone else and me to them in return!!!!!!!#a LIFE that isnt just constantly failing over and over and waiting for the shoe to drop and to lose everything all over again!!!!!!!!!!!!#i dont have that!!! and i cant have that!!!!! because im too broken to be able to cultivate and maintain it!!!!!#and the only way. to fix myself enough to be able to do so.#would be to HAVE ENOUGH STABILITY THAT ID HAVE THE TIME AND ENERGY TO PUT INTO FIXING MYSELF AND HEALING#i cant fix myself without stability and freedom. and i cant get stability and freedom unless i’m fixed#so it is. literally impossible!!!!!!!#impossible to create my own concrete solid reason to be here.#impossible for me to even create anything to feed the fixations that are my backup reasons.#theres nothing!! nothing!!! i have nothing new to leap to and ive been dwindling for too long and i think i am about to drown#im just waiting for time to tick out. for me to fuck up too badly to come back from one last time and get found out and punished.#and then? theres nothing left. theres literally nothing else left for me
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this week has just. not been a good week (it's only Wednesday)
#i cant see my butch i had to take my grandma to the hospital last night im just so irritated i just want to stay at home but i have#a million things to do. i just spent £100 trying to get my laptop fixed but its impossible because the serial number is missing#and the manufacturer of my laptop doesnt let you see it via BIOS 😐 thats £100 i could've saved since i don't#have a job anymore and ive been without my laptop for a week while having to ship stuff off and it's rlly hard#without my computer! i don't want to go outside anymore i want to sit in the house and watch tv all day!!!!!!#like im blocking out the fact that i have to find a new job soon and soon that will bring anxiety and sadness 🙏#it never ends
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"If enough of us vote third party for president, we could actually GET somewhere with our policy goals!"
Baby girl you can't even get a majority of third party/independents in a single state legislature. In the past 30 years there have been seven independent/third party state governors, and of those, only three were genuinely independent. The rest either got elected as a R/D and switched mid-term when they alienated themselves from their state party, got elected as I and then switched to R/D during their terms (with some of them having served the R/D parties before), or served as proxy candidates with heavy backing and support from one of the major two parties. Even VERMONT, a relative stronghold for independent/third party candidates -- the place that brought you Bernie Sanders -- doesn't have a majority of third party candidates. And when I call them a stronghold, I mean they are the only state (I know of) that consistently elects (less than a handful of) Independent candidates to the state legislature; the place is still dominated by Ds and Rs.
"The highest power in the land can't actually be voted on so there's no reason to vote for the democrats"
Hey princess here are some high school civics question for you: How are Supreme Court judges nominated? :) By what process are they appointed? Who starts that process? :) Why is the Supreme Court considered reflective of who has won the presidency? :)
#the reason you 'cant get anywhere' with your policies is bc youre not the political strategists you think you are#some of you barely know how your own government functions and it fucking shows#and it would be one thing if i looked in ur bios and u were like. 15 or smthg.#but 30?!?!?! you're 30 yrs old and you dont understand that the rsn rvw was overturned under biden is bc trump got his foot in the door???#youre 30 and youll rant abt the long lasting effects of reagan's presidential policies but you cant fathom trump might have left#a similarly long-lasting legacy??#youre 30 and you think the echo chamber you put yourself in on the internet is proof that clrly a vast majority of ppl agree w u#and theres no need to play politics when the democrats couls just wave their wands and fix everything if they werent so evil#despite the fact that both of the ladt two elections about half the population was voting for trump???#the tight margins btwn repub and democrat in congress shld tell you that#you are 30 and dont understand what strategic voting is?#youre 30 and you dont understand the difference between state laws and federal laws#youre 30 and youre upset that joe biden is a 'fascist dictator' but not in the way that gives you everything you want?#youre 30 and youre acting like biden and the dems operate in a vacuum without interference feom political enemies and#moneyed interests that have thrown up lawsuits and obstructionist tactics and misinformation#everytime the try to do something good?#youre 30 and you think palestine will be saved if joe's not in office when the only other viable candidate in the running#was cozy with netanyahu and advocated 'finishing the job' re:palestine and moved the embassy to jerusalem#in a clr fuck you to any palestinian feelings?#youre 30??? youre 30 and you never outgrew the 'mommy and daddy made me mad so I'm gonna smoke to get back at them' mentality???
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if im bein real i am so deeply frustrated with my art every single thing i draw looks and feels wrong everythings worse than i envision it feels like i cant seriously improve anymore i cant decide on a style i like doing i cant find a brush that does what i want i have no creativity or self expression i only feel remotely skilled when im using an exact reference and even if im satisfied with a finished product its still not good enough and feels like i will never be good enough to be successful and why is instagram full of teenagers that are better than me and how fucking good would i be now if high school me didnt slow down drawing and university me didnt almost completely stop drawing. so anyways
#im sooooo. i cant even process how deeply pissed off i am constantly#NOTHINGS RIGHT NOTHING FITS NOTHING WORKS DUDE I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE#ik im just. havign growing pains. been having growing pains for years but theres no way ive hit my ceiling at age 23#ik i just need to keep practicing and i have some bad habits that r making me stuck and i just gotta. study more work harder practice more#i know i KNOW ive just got a boulder sized roadblock and there has to be a way to get past it but I CANT FIGURE IT OUT#ik my weaknesses but even when i try to fix them i still do them#i dont draw guidelines so things turn out wonky and the volume and perspective of 3d forms is always wrong#i wish i could go more cartoony so i didnt need to do so much but i Know things beinf detailed n realistically proportioned is more my style#but also if i go to realistic then everythings fucking boring#but i havent done non realistic shit in years and i have no style so im just fumbling around#GOD IM JUST SO FUCKING OVER IT DUDE#and social media makes it worse i feel like how my art performs online is gaslighting me and i cant trust my instincts anymore#like if i think i like how smth turned out. and then i post it and its crickets everywhere im like. Am i crazy do i actually suck#is this really bad and i have no idea. WHAT THE FUCK#and ik letting external validation get to me like that is bad but im just like. none of this would be so fucking difficult if i was better#esp now that ive quit my job i sure would love to ignore numbers but i gotta grow and get better to get commissions i dont got a CHOICE#and also i just constantly see art thats better than mine and its confusing yk#i feel like. i need to stay offline for like a week#predownload some work from some artists i like as a few concrete inspirations. study anatomy books. work without anybody watchcing me#or me watching anyone else#yk#but also i have no life if im offline for a week that means i get like no social interaction besides my parents for a week#I DONT FUCKING KNOW#IM SO FRUSTRATED#i feel like im constantly complaining but its constantly bottling up like shook pop#x
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ive been wondering why ive been coughing and feeling shitty the past several days and worried I was sick. but I think it was my partner's laptop battery swelling and possibly releasing toxic gases or smth bc once we took it to be disposed of we both started feeling a lot better 💀
#genuinely freaked out when she pointed it out#bc it was sooo bad looking#popped a lot of the chasis lol#ive never had this happen before and like this is my old laptop so its kinda crazy lol#it works without the battery luckily just being plugged in#ordered myself a new laptop anyways since mine has been having a lot of issues and I need smth beefier for 3d stuff#which ive been wanting to get into more#and ill use my current one for school next year after I send it in with the warranty its still under#the person who fixed my laptops keyboard broke a lot of other minor things#like it cant connect to wifi without an adapter and the mousepad doesn't work#and it freezes a lot#ive put up with it bc i cant afford to wait while its shipped out for repair bc of my job#but if i have a new laptop I can wait the month or however long it'll take to get it fixed properly#and maybe if it comes down to it I can just sell it after its fixed#i spend 80% of most waking days on my laptop so I think its a justifiable expense
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My therapist hates me
#either that or she just really doesn’t give a shit#she’s always so silently annoyed whenever i cant do something. like. sorry. your job is to fix that#i feel like she keeps trying to get rid of me. and i want to take her up on her offer to switch therapists but that’s so much stress#i kind of hate her too#she’s so impatient with me#she’s like ‘can you tell me why you do this?’ NO?!?! THATS WHY IM HERE#i liked my old therapist but my parents switched me out without consulting me. which is a whole other issue that im not gonna think about#anyways. sorry ive been an emotional wreck. its been a crazy month
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wiki how do I stop spiraling about my life once every 2 weeks I'm getting sick of it
#personal#i just want to make things so bad#it hurts to even look at something anyones made bc im not doing it#i started so late and its still so hard. i got months without doing anything bc im just exhausted from daily life#if i spend more time with my girlfriends i feel like im closer to them but then i have no time for art#if im making something im spending less time with them#and i like my job so much. i really do. i even considered just saying fuck it and going into library sciences#but i still come home barely able or willing to talk sometimes. and i dont know how to fix that#and i feel so unfulfilled and extremely lonely even tho i have friends#but i can barely get myself to draw or write even when i have so many ideas#i feel so uncomfortable in my body and so tired of trying with therapists and doctors#all of it makes me so anxious i feel sick#so Frustrated i feel dizzy. and then i still cant do anything!!!!#i dont want to live here anymore i just want to be with everyone else. but everyone is moving away or planning to. us included#but no one in the same place. it makes me so sad#i dont know what to do or how to do it when i dont have motivation to do the bare minimum#maybe i just like torturing myself by thinking i can do the things i want instead of aceepting i cant. :/ cringes#for anyone that has somehow read this far ill be ok in like 20 minutes im just having a moment dw. im fine. will handle it like an adult#and not spend to much time thinking about this
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when people complain about games like genshin and star rail trying to push you to spend money, I laugh because that's just them being bad at self control if they give in and feel the need to spend. you can play completely free and be absolutely fine. I was f2p on genshin for 2 years before I got the welkin to help while streaming on twitch to get a few more pulls to do at the end of my streams for entertainment. before that, I got every single character I wanted and a few weapons f2p (just from simply playing the game!) even with horrible luck (my average pity was 78-80 per 5 star. i think only 2 so far in my whole genshin career were under 75. and a handful of loses as well) so don't complain if you can't resist the urge. that's on you. they don't force you to spend. if you play the game normally and aren't trying to get every single character/weapon, then you don't need to spend.
but ALSO. the reason you can even play the games for free and we get such great high-quality content is BECAUSE PEOPLE PUT MONEY INTO IT. if no one did, you'd have to pay like idk, $80 or whatever games cost these days to buy, PLUS probably pay for every update like it's a DLC, so another, i don't know, $20 every couple months? or have to subscribe monthly to play. the fact that you get it all for free is because other people pay for stuff. so stop complaining about things costing real money and the fact that other people even pay for it, and start thanking the people who put money into it so you others who can't afford it don't have to!
#im pretty sure this is an unpopular opinion but its realistic#ive never seen anyone say this. ive literally only seen people complain that they feel like they need to spend money when they dont#im also not taking criticism on this opinion ao dont reply#my $5 monthly helps keep the game free so you dont have to spend a cent youre welcome 😉#i often see things come up with these discussions like theyre greedy and dont help f2p players and dont do certain good things etc#but im not talking about that here and thats off topic so dont reply with any of that lmao#im simply talking about if you actually play the game you will have no trouble getting like 15 5stars all f2p without spending#out in the time and effort and get rewarded or work irl and use money from your job. you have 2 choices. same outcome.#put*#why do tags not have autocorrecr and fix my bad typing!#i got like 18 or 19 5 star characters/weapons all f2p so maybe i dont see the issue. people talk like they cant get ANY f2p but ??????#so i dont get the “you cant get any 5 stars unless you soend money” thing when i got half of the characters in genshin f2p lmao#lee rambles#lee text
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like i think if i tried to flirt with somebody id just be like . Hi. and then id get scared and have to run away to have a panic attack
#its so embarassing. but once my life is better ill be normal again#i need to start working on it. i think ill have to get the ged b4 i can get a job. Note to self to start working on that. bc so far no jobs#r biting for highschool dropout with no license who has never worked a job for more than a year. Weirdly....#i also will talk to mein mamma to see abt umm. me possibly getting like... a pcp again and getting back on t and maybe getting back into#therapy. i cn make my own appts and stuff its just. Transportation#i think were supposed to be getting a car again soon gd willing...#and one day i should probably work on learning to drive. im just like very terrified of it#+ idk if ill ever be able to afford a car. and idk if im responsible enough for a car. and stuff... SIGH#ideally ill live in a city or smth where its easier to walk to places or just get rides. but cities expensive and etc. i hope i can get a#job somewhere close that isnt super inconvenient for my parents to drive me until i cn drive#i also. skull. i never got my id updated or anything . It has been like 7 months. BEAUTIFUL WOMEN ! wtvr.#im also quite paranoid abt how long i havent had a job bc i feel like it might also be playing a part in why im not getting any jobs. but i#cant. fix that without getting a job . so like#SIGH. but its whatever itll work out. and if it doesnt ive got a plan for that also. so all is well
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i want to have a meltdown about being overwhelmed and im tired of seeing socially awkward people blame their every action on "autism" when none of them have ever interacted with an actually autistic person who has physical outbursts and limited vocabulary and watering down what the meaning of autism is and im tired of people talking about gay sex because nobody except them is talking about gay sex when we could be talking about anything else and i can't handle physical touch anymore and my stomach has been hurting for 2 days and im TIRED
#i hate my job my credit card is maxed ive been trying to move for 2 months#i cant drink anymore and nobody is selling my vape juice and the only way i feel peace is if im stoned off my nuts#i dont know how to communicate my emotions without freaking out and my blankets are constantly tangled#my neck is killing me but like only in a specific spot that's making me feel like i have a throbbing headache#i feel too perceived and not enough no matter how much i say “please don't look over my shoulder when im using tech#because it makes me incredibly self conscious and like i have to defend my every action#but my mother yells at me every time i even start to say “in my defense” and i feel like a fucking child again#i havent cooked a proper meal in over a year and i lost 5 months of the year last year because i was trapped in the basement#by an abusive dickhead who wouldn't move out of my house#and now his truck is taking up my entire driveway and ive spent over $500 on getting my car fixed so i can register it because#im a year fucking late doing it and all canadian tire is doing is fucking me around#i cant afford a vacation and my body fucking hurts and my job wont give me any more hours and it took me#8 months to find one fucking job because nobody is hiring and my FUCKING SQUISHMALLOW ADDICTION IS TAKING OVER MY BED AND I CANT FUCKING#STOP#fuck all i want is to stop
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i did not finish all of perennials but whatever
#logbook#its fine my job is pointless i cant ask for help without doubling back bc it all falls on me anyways i have to prioritize the help ppl give#so it doesnt go to waste. snd its not like it matters bc it'll just be fucked up again but its fixed just not communicated WHATEVER. WHATEV#im so mad ive cooled off but hoooooly fuck. my supe fucking. recieved plants wr didnt get!!! that she was communicated abt !!#was so tempted to leave them in but then ppl would come to buy and its not fair on them#and its not like shed get into trouble. . . .bro other shit happened i was done by 2:30 lol#i hate my job. whatever. next week we have 9 deliveries so i'll have some stuff in between doing maps.
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#good god. good hell. not to be ungrateful for my life and comforts but im straight up not having a good time#setting in that the family members who have needed to borrow money are asking for more then they can give back#so im going to need to accept that im not getting most of that back#and im gonna need to learn to say no to people who i care for who need money i have that i can spare because everyone has shit self control#maybe with the money i save ill be able to replace stuff the people who borrow mock me for. like the torn jacket that i like.#or i can replace my computer for myself instead of waiting for a late christmas gift promise to finish itself after breaking down#or i can get a mattress that isnt so stuffed with mold that i can sleep on it without having an asthma attack#or maybe i can try moving to an apartment and splitting the rent with my brother#house was a whole lot cleaner when everyone else was away on vaccation.#people only talk to me when they want something so its not like i could miss them anymore then i already do#i wish i had a job i do NOT want to get a job everything is hell for not-hell rewards#if there was a little guinnea pig in a very very cold planet and it didnt freeze to death but was always in pain#theres a point where you would go like. okay show's over we tried.#and he and i a#im tired#theres a point where problems arent worth fixing and a point where the problems win. im not in the right mental space to judge.#im worried things wont get better and ill just need to grasp for less and less comfort as i live because itll still be better then nothing#knowing i cant trust my own judgement keeps me safe but is making me live for a future that might not happen#ill be honest i think its like. 1 in 20 of happening. but i cant trust my own judgement. unless its in hindsight.#venting ig
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Ooooooghhhhhhhhh stressed 🥺
#dont wanna see family tomorrow and im sleeping saur bad lately i couldnt sleep last night and then had a typical fever dream#which gave me a really cute idea for a movie so im gonna keep it in my pocket#but it was one of those things where its like it says a whole lot about me and my trauma and its stressful#um um um and also im juggling all these different things like im sewing im trying to finally write im trying to draw again#while feeling like im failing at it all and then like i still gotta find fuckinnnnn job i neeeeeed money#this time of year is always really hard for me i hate when its warm again i hate easter and i hate knowing that summer is coming#aaghhhh rn im ticking and stimming really bad and im having trouble breathing hnnghhh#and im very sweaty lol i always get so sweaty when i dont sleep good i dont get it#also i think im just horrible like the one person i wanna talk to probably is getting tired of my constant life crisis and how needy i am#and theyre probably off being better without me there and im just a burden and then my therapist idk about him#i dont feel like hes really giving me anything like when i talk about how stressed and unsafe i am hes like you gotta find a way to cope#and he doesnt really tell me how exactly i should do that like mate thats why im here i need the help you cant just listen to me panic and#go ‘wow you need to fix that’ ughhhh and i think hes mad at me because i dont think he believes me anymore when i say im in an abusive#situation and that ive been controlled my whole life by everyone and i have never felt safe#and its just like ughhh like i feel like no one believes me anymore and theyre all fed up with my bullshit incompetence and constant#bellyaching and im a horrible friend and a liar and probably just being dramatic as fuck making myself believe im being abused when in#reality im the abuser the ungrateful brat who treats his family like shit and cant trust them even though they seem so perfect to everyone#and im so stupid and toxic for trying to run away and for being scared to death here#thats how its feeling anyway idk everyone is just. weird and im losing my grip on reality and cant tell whats real anymore
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Huuuuurg, trying to figure out a plausible motivation to my antagonist is like pulling teeth rn.
#writing#like ok#the main antagonist is from a clan whos whole job is to guide and serve as a mediatior for the gifts the other clans have#essentally to prevent abuse and perversion of those great gifts#the main antagonist is the heir to this guiding clan and is rather pissed that the rest of the clans cant get their act together#despite efforts to fix the relationship between the groups#so he thinks that the only way to fix it is to steal the treasures that the founders have left with the other 3 clans#which have also become defunct and broken due to the three clans obession and unhealthy relationship with their talents#since the treasures were designed to facilitate sharing and service towards their fellow clan member instead of keeping it to themselves#though i could make it that taking away the treasures actually is taking away the ability to sense that something is wrong with their ways#and destroying the treasures could actually make it impossible to reel them in ?#i dunno i think i might have had a slight epiphany on a possible motive#but please! if any suggestions would be great#like i like them and need them since i want this to be a slight critisim towards obsession and not seeing that often destroys creativity#it makes your craft distorited#doing the same thing over and over without trying something new and original#magi musings
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Genuinely cannot fathom how this woman's mind works, it'll be a genuine miracle if I don't kms before the year ends
The universe saw me finally getting out of a toxic social circle and moving away from my family and said let's balance this out by giving her a manager with the poorest communication skills known to man
#im not being serious but i actually also am#updated my resume and started applying to jobs again so ig we'll fucking see#i thought this was just one of those 'yeah its annoying but you can live with it' things but she's literally impossible to work with. how#the fuck has anyone else done it#like our department is just the two of us and i think she maybe drove the last person away in the year they worked together but im at the#end of my fucking rope#and i know its not just a me issue other people who have worked with her on projects and stuff have been like 'yeah idk wtf she's talking#about or where she got that idea'.#the craziest thing to me is that she's kind of technologically challenged but whenever i tell her or explain something she doesn't#understand about a process or piece of software she straight up. acts like im lying? like i mentioned an issue w word that came up yesterda#(very minor w zero impact to anything) and she was like 'well EYE've never heard of that happening. talk to IT and ill ask them about what#they tell you' like shes going to catch me in a lie. i talk to IT and they're like 'oh yeah that happens all the time. you've already fixed#it so thats great and once it happens once it shouldn't happen again' bc of course they did bc im neither stupid nor a liar#every single time ive mentioned a tech issue or something comes up shes like 'that cant be happening. i dont believe you' and without fail#when i check with IT they're like 'oh yeah! happens all the time/this wasn't set up right/definitely a software issue' and sometimes she#still doesn't believe me????? girl what the fuck do you want#every fucking day its a new thing with her and i actually cannot take it#and the thing that really gets me about the issue w word today is that it literally impacted nothing. this wasn't like her spotting a#problem and my excusing it i literally was just like 'hey heads up this thing happened with word yesterday that happened w my previous#computer once as well and it may mean that i wont be able to see any comments you leave on that draft i sent you (which you haven't#reviewed yet so it's not like this is making you repeat anything) so in an abundance of caution here's the exact same file again just to be#sure'. like why the fuck would i lie about any of that. what am i covering up for. i literally brought it up myself and it impacted nothing#a better question is why this company has this many tech issues but that's a conversation for another day
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