#canon was adjusted to be more consistent with who the characters were meant to be

[cologona]

Well-written fic where all the bat clan members and their relationships are written with love and care. Except Jason, who is a plot device and is stuck with the Bad Victim Angry Unjustified characterization.

[taxinealkaloids]

Hi! I was wondering if you would like to say something ab your Elias, Gertrude, and Agnes dynamic because if yes I would love to hear it

(Also, your art is absolutely amazing. Sjdhwhdhehdheh thank you so much for drawing 💖)

Thanks! I’d like to start posting art more consistently but I’ve been so busy.

Also, YES absolutely I would like to talk about Them, at some point it’d be nice to present all this in a more organized manner but for now I’ll just throw some thoughts at you. (under a cut because it ended up being a bit on the lengthy side oops)

My general concept for these three is that due to Gertrude and Elias being connected through Beholding (I like to treat this bond as a lot more substantive than it was shown to be in canon because frankly it’s a crime that it wasn’t further explored and utilized as a plot device) at the same time that Gertrude and Agnes are bound due to Gertude’s semi-failed attempt to cripple the Desolation, the three have all ended up stuck in the same spiderweb, so to speak. I haven’t quite decided if the Web meant for Elias to get roped into this or if, like in canon, the extent of it’s plan was to weave Gertrude & Agnes together. I think it’d be interesting if they were all meant to get tied up together because I like to think of the mother of puppets as a better schemer than she ended up being in canon and because it adds another layer of mystery for the three of them to deal with (ie, what exactly is the Web hoping to achieve here? None of them are sure how extensive the plot is, so it’s an unknown factor; something that fundamentally does not agree with the base nature of anyone eye-aligned.) This connection manifests itself by causing the three to occasionally walk in each other’s dreams, randomly receive each other’s thoughts and feelings, and even have brief body-switching experiences where it’s like suddenly one person’s consciousness is in the other’s body (like the characters in Sense8 do, if you’ve seen that show). In general those episodes only last a few seconds but are extremely disorienting. There’s definitely quite an adjustment period when all this starts happening and everyone’s dealing with the sudden random urges to commit arson or fill out Excel spreadsheets. It’s especially a danger for Elias and Gertrude who are both trying to hide things. Having your mind occasionally taken over by the very person you’re trying to hide those things from is incredibly antithetical to that goal. I have a lot of half-formed ideas for problems that could arise due to these kinds of things happening unpredictably at undesirable times, I think it could range from very dramatic to absolutely hilarious which is fun to play with.

I imagine any sort of plot around these 3 would revolve around trying to unravel the Web’s plot and figure out what exactly the nature/purpose of their connection is (and potentially sever it). However, they can’t work together to solve it, because of course they’ve all got layers upon layers of ulterior motives and are nearly as concerned with sabotaging each other as they are with sabotaging the Web (which, of course, is what the Mother was counting on).

Elias: if I play my cards right here, I could potentially use this to figure out and stop the Web and the Desolation

Agnes: If I play my cards right here, I could potentially use this to figure out and stop the Web and Beholding

Gertrude: I could stop all three.

And so instead of pooling their resources they’re all going behind each other’s backs and lying about it and using their bodyhopping/mindsharing/dreamwalking occurrences as opportunities to spy on each other and/or surreptitiously glean info from the others without them knowing that’s what’s going on. This is a ridiculous undertaking, honestly, because even if they weren’t semi-telepathically linked and therefore likely to figure out what the others are doing anyway, Elias is watching most of what the other two are doing at all times and usually knows when they’re lying. So a lot of their group conversations are just…everyone tells everyone else blatant lies about what they’ve been up to, everyone is aware these are blatant lies, and no one calls anyone out because…. pot, kettle, you know?

Agnes is generally pretty happy to share her experiences with the Desolation w/ Gertrude; she’s never gotten a chance to talk about them to anyone outside the cult and likes Gertrude’s straightforward, free-from-religious-bias responses to what she has to say. Gertrude is able to get a lot out of her just by asking and she’ll even reveal quite a lot to Elias, though that’s usually more by accident. She wants to talk and often lets slip more than she means to.

Gertrude is a bit more wary and holds those of Beholding’s secrets that she knows a bit closer to her chest; she doesn’t want to tell any associate of the Lightless Flame something that could potentially help them trigger a Desolation-flavored apocalypse.

Meanwhile Elias doesn’t so much hold his secrets close to his chest as “keep them in a hermetically sealed double-locked encoded safe in the secret basement of his brain” and there’s no way anyone’s drilling him for information without him clocking it right away and subtly shifting the conversation to a more advantageous subject (for him). The instant Agnes and/or Gertrude show up in one of his dreams he immediately switches whatever it is to the most banal, irrelevant scene ever, like being stuck in traffic or doing his taxes. (What’s the point in living so long if you can’t even control your own dreams, right?)

(Gertrude and Agnes: Really? THIS is what you dream about??)

(Elias, completely stonefaced: Yes.)

While Elias tends to favor gathering and analyzing information to fully understand a situation before acting on it, Gertrude (and to some degree Agnes) feel more productive when they’re actually out doing legwork. So Gertrude’s breaking into Elias’s office to scan his files, she’s vanishing halfway across the country to chase a lead without so much as a day’s notice, Agnes is taking a page out of the Beholding avatars’ book and conducting “interviews” for information (she starts with her cultist minders and spreads outwards from there) but instead of using the Beholding power of compulsion to help the conversation along, she’s using the less delicate but undoubtedly effective Desolation method of “fire really close to the subject’s face”, and Elias is…doing none of this but rather simply watching the other two do it and ending up with the same information in the end. Works out for him!

The main problem here is the fact that with everyone trying to go behind everyone else’s backs all the time they end up impeding each other’s efforts to get the Web pinned down and, with them also spending so much time focusing on stopping each other’s entities, the spotlight is shifted off of the Web. so their behavior is really playing into the Mother’s hands (all eight of them).

In terms of general interpersonal relationships:

Gertrude and Elias are…not friends. Both are pretty sure they’re smarter than the other and definitely entertain frequent fantasies of murdering each other when one’s finding the other particularly infuriating. Despite that they actually end up just...hanging out a lot because they both have a habit of using their friends to death (which is why it’s a good thing they’re not friends). They have the same sense of humor though and honestly they probably don’t find the other’s company as distasteful as they like to claim.

Plus, the entire archive staff is scared of at least one if not both of them, and the fact that they seem to spend so much time in close collaboration doesn’t make anyone more inclined to establish social connections with either one. So they’re kind of workplace allies by default. (Honestly most of the staff assumes they’re sleeping together and because this rumor raises infinitely less questions than “they’re working to prevent the incorrect apocalypse from happening before they can make the correct apocalypse happen” they let it propagate)

(tbh it probably happened once but they both agreed to never mention it again.)

Also, I think Gertrude knew near immediately that Jonahlias was in no way the same person as Elias-Elias but didn’t do anything because tbh she didn’t care for og Elias and liked him better now that he’d apparently been taken over by some sort of bodysnatching monster (though obvs she would NOT admit that).

So, like, first meeting she had w/ him after his promotion she walks in, takes one look, and internally is like “ah. This man is no longer Elias Bouchard. Thank God, maybe I can actually work with him after all.”

Likewise, the instant Gertrude walked in with her soul tied up with the Desolation’s Messiah he noticed but said nothing about it. (I think the mark left on her by the Desolation would show up as something he could physically see; she mentioned in one of the statements that the bond hurt so maybe her flesh always looks a bit like it’s being set on fire from the inside out to someone with supernatural vision powers and he just has to pretend this isn’t alarming.)

For his part, Elias genuinely likes Gertrude. Most of the time. At least some of the time. He respects her and her utter ruthlessness for sure, but she’s extremely strong willed and nigh impossible to intimidate and he fluctuates wildly from being like “she was the perfect choice for Archivist, I’m so glad I picked her” and “I need to kill her right now immediately and get a new Archivist, I cannot work with this one”.

Agnes is…an interesting case because due to her bizarre upbringing she has a hard time figuring out what she feels about anything, ever. She wildly fluctuates from being overly sensitive/worried about hurting others to being absolutely sadistic, and can jump from a calm/withdrawn state to pure rage in an instant. She’s largely still figuring out who she wants to be while struggling with the fact that she’s not meant to get to pick who she wants to be at all.

Gertrude and Agnes find each other absolutely fascinating, they both think the other is the most compelling person they’ve ever met (or, rather, not met, it’s complicated). Agnes likes having a connection to someone outside the lightless flame cult, and likes the idea that Beholding’s archivist (who is rather infamous among lightless flame cultists and unanimously feared) ‘belongs to her.’ (Gertrude would maybe not entirely agree with that perspective but she doesn’t…hate the idea either).

Meanwhile, Gertrude knows their bond is part of a bigger scheme and on some level, the Web is tying them all in knots, and really she should be looking for a way to sever the bond. And she will! She’s definitely planning on figuring that one out. Elias accuses her of putting it off in order to find out more about Agnes and the lightless flame, and yeah, maybe she is, but so what? That’s useful information. And Elias must agree, or he would have sounded more upset. (He does agree, but he also dislikes the idea of Gertrude being part of someone else’s scheme and he REALLY dislikes the idea of being part of someone else’s scheme himself.)

Elias finds Agnes interesting the way one would find, say, a new species of venomous snake interesting; there’s a lot to be learned from careful observation and the implications of it’s existence are intriguing but you don’t want it near you. Her volatile nature makes her unpredictable, which makes her dangerous.

As a result he tends to use what knowledge he has about Agnes, the Desolation, and her fate as leverage to make his incineration less appealing. This works, for the most part; while Agnes finds it extremely irritating she also does want to hear what a Beholding-aligned non-cultist can tell her about her nature. She just does not appreciate Elias’s insistence on being infuriatingly obtuse all the time.

Agnes also does not appreciate the idea that the Archivist does not, in fact, belong entirely to her and that she has to share custody with this guy. Who even is this guy. She’d like to set all his paperwork on fire. (Really she’d like to set HIM on fire but Gertrude said she couldn’t.)

One thing Agnes does admire (or at least find interesting) about Elias is his usage of compulsion to get people to tell him things. She can definitely appreciate the usefulness of that, having grown up with a bunch of crazed zealots who refused to give her a straight answer about anything, and even ends up employing similar tactics herself, as I mentioned earlier. She knows Gertrude and Elias have very different perspectives on how compulsion should be utilized and privately, she agrees with Elias. If one has an advantage, why not use it? She doesn’t tell Gertrude this, nor does she tell her about the “interviews” she conducts, though she often wants to.

All three of them have very unique brands of incredible interpersonal tension with each of the others, so when they’re all sharing a dream at the same time the atmosphere is less “electric” and more “nuclear reactor meltdown”. They’re not sure that they could actually kill each other through dream-to-dream communication (Elias doesn’t think so, so probably not) but chances are that’s gonna be put to the test at some point.

I actually started drafting a fic about all this at one point lmao just cause I had so many ideas for specific scenes I thought would be interesting but realistically I’ll never have time to finish that. Still I definitely want to expand on all this because I’m obsessed with their potential AND the actual canon of tma pretty much never went into it so….my house now. Thanks so much for indulging me on this sdkjfhskj I thought this would be so much shorter than it ended up being

[hb-writes]

A Little Raven

Written in response to Hauntober prompt #15: Raven.

Summary: From the Little Lady Blinder universe! A chat between sisters-in-law followed by a chat between Lizzie and Tommy. This is a bit long and self-indulgent and might not be particularly consistent with canon but oh well. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Characters Featured: Lizzie Shelby, Clara Shelby (Shelby!Sister), Tommy Shelby

—–

“Frances said you wanted me first?” 

Lizzie turned from the window, allowing the passage of a brief smile as she glanced at her sister-in-law. Like her husband, Lizzie still saw a couple of kids when she looked at Clara and Finn, still saw the little girl who passed her time with books and papers while sitting on the stoop at Watery Lane, still saw the boy with a keen eye for mischief and a disposition towards unsanctioned sweets. She supposed those visions still held true. None of them were so different to be unrecognizable through the years. Some traits endured the transition to adulthood, no matter what transpired in the interim. 

Clara stripped out of her coat, placing it over the back of the chair before following Lizzie’s gaze out to the yard where Ruby and Charles played with the nanny, their squeals and laughter sharp and clear through the pane of the closed window. 

Clara sat in one of the armchairs, pulling her feet up and working on untying her boot laces while she waited. She was used to the reticent moments, used to people taking their time in revealing why she’d been summoned somewhere in the first place. She found it a pleasant change for Lizzie to be inviting her to the drawing-room for a visit rather than Tommy summoning her to his office for one of his chats, even if her sister-in-law was very clearly preoccupied.  

The thud of Clara’s shoes hitting the floor as she slipped them off her feet pulled Lizzie’s eyes towards her for a moment before she settled them on the girl’s discarded boots, understated but still expensive, something Tommy had probably paid for. 

Lizzie wasn’t ignoring her on purpose, Clara knew that. She was just distracted, caught up in her own thoughts, turning something over in her mind. Clara just wasn’t certain how she fit into those thoughts.

“Lizzie?” Clara said.

“Mmm?” Lizzie hummed, finally fixing her eyes on Clara.

“You did ask for me, right?” Clara said. 

“I suppose you’d prefer to go be with the children,” Lizzie mused. “Or to go say hello to your brother?” 

“Is he home already?” Clara asked, glancing down at the small watch on her wrist as she adjusted the clock face. It was barely past five.

Lizzie scoffed, gave a single shake of her head. Tommy was eternally late in coming home, and habitually premature in leaving it.

“Well, that leaves more time for us to catch up, then,” Clara offered, absently kneading the arch of her foot. “I came home to be with all of you, Lizzie.”

“Right, all of us,” Lizzie answered, sitting down in an adjacent armchair. “When’s the last time you saw all of us here, Clara? When’s the last time he graced us with his presence at a decent hour?”

It was the previous Sunday, Clara remembered, and he’d come out of his office just before dinner, played with Charles and Ruby a bit before eating with Clara, Lizzie, and the kids, but Clara had the feeling Lizzie didn’t want to be reminded of that.

“Did you talk to him?” Clara asked.

Lizzie took a deep breath and nearly gagged, feeling as though she wouldn’t be able to stop herself from conjuring up the contents of her latest meal, the sick feeling in her stomach beyond the typical bout of morning sickness, more of a nauseating dread which had settled in the pit of her stomach.

The last time she’d been here, in this condition, Lizzie had been optimistic. Nearly five years later, she felt anything but. And despite all the strength she’d decided on summoning, despite deciding to stay, to accept Tommy and his faults, to balance her head against her heart, she hadn’t planned on this as a part of the deal.

‘A little you and me,’ she’d offered Tommy when she’d told him of the first baby growing inside of her, a smile on her face, a bit of hope in her heart. 

She had little hope this time, little positivity about the life prospects for yet another child of Thomas Shelby, a little boy nonetheless, a little raven-haired boy who would have his parents’ blue eyes, his father’s strong jaw, the unmistakable markings of a Shelby.

If Tommy had kept all of his promises, if he’d done right and put a proper stop to the sport for anyone named Shelby. If he’d kept Finn and Clara away from the life, Lizzie might have thought differently. She might have felt nothing but happiness at the prospect of another child with a little tuft of raven hair and bright blue eyes, but in half a decade, Tommy had dealt her plenty of empty assurances.

She feared enough for the children already. Her Ruby was a different child around her father, a bit nervous, a bit quiet. The girl didn’t know the same Tommy that Clara and Finn knew, nor the father Charlie had had for a time, at least while he was young.

This baby would never know that version of Tommy either, not really. Her children would spend their lives distant from the man they called dad, and there was part of Lizzie that didn’t think it to be a terrible thing.

Clara reached out to clasp Lizzie’s hand. “Lizz--”

“Polly says it’s a boy.”

“Oh,” Clara answered, pulling her hand back. “That’s--”

Lizzie cleared her throat and continued. “A little raven-haired boy named James.” She opened her cigarette case, placed the fag between her lips. “Jamie,” she added. “And no, I haven’t told your brother.” 

Clara frowned. She was tired of holding the secret she’d accidentally overheard when Lizzie confided in Polly. She was tired of pretending with her brother, tired of avoiding him. It wasn’t easy work, withholding information from him because, despite the best of Clara’s efforts, Tommy possessed an uncanny ability to know when his sister was keeping something from him. 

“He loves being a father, Lizzie. He’ll be--”

“Happy?” she suggested. “I’m less worried about your brother being happy than I am worried for all of you kids.” 

“All of us?”

Lizzie lit the cigarette, puffing before she pointed it at Clara.

“Yes, you and Finn are included.”

“There’s nothing to worry about, Lizzie.” 

“Right, with Finn running around getting himself shot and you--”

“What about me?”

“Neither one of you kids has a healthy sense of self-preservation, always pushing when you haven’t a need, and you’ve passed it right on to those two. Maybe it’s in the blood, an inherited recklessness that--” 

“Is that really what you’re worried about? That I’ve taught the kids to stand up for themselves and I’ll teach the baby the same?” Clara asked.

Lizzie glanced out the window again, the things she was truly scared about swirling in her mind while she watched Ruby and Charles holding hands as they went round in circles.

“It’s a bad omen, a raven,” she said.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Clara answered. “A baby can’t be a bad omen.”

Lizzie was beginning to believe that the Shelby name was a curse and that despite her husband’s promises, not one of the kids would live a life unmarred by it, not Finn, not Clara, not Charles nor Ruby, and not the unborn son growing in her womb. And despite knowing Thomas Shelby loved the children, she feared what she already knew to be true, that loving a person wasn’t always enough.

These days, Tommy’s moments of softness were harder to come by. The types of moments Clara held on to when her brother was difficult, the moments that reminded her through the tough spots that he did much of what he did out of love, for protection or survival. Lizzie didn’t know her children would have that, didn’t know that a raven-haired boy looking just like his father could ever garner as much care as he’d deserve from the man, enough of the affection that he would need to someday to get through the tough spots. 

“He’s not how he once was with you,” Lizzie said.

“He’s not been like that for a long while, Lizzie, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them.” 

“I know he loves them, loves all of you, but I worry someday they won’t have memories enough to forgive him as you do.” 

“I don’t forgive him because of the memories, Lizzie,” Clara answered. “I forgive him because he’s nearly my father and because I know he cares for me as much as I care for him. Ruby and Charles know that. Jamie will, too.”

Clara joined Lizzie on the couch. “And regardless, you care for us all well enough whether that fool joins us for dinner or not.”

Lizzie set her cigarette down in the tray and accepted Clara’s offered hug, allowing herself to release a breath of relief with the girl in her arms. 

“Well, that may be, but it doesn’t settle my nerves about you and Finn,” Lizzie said as she pulled away.

Clara rolled her eyes. “You’ve not--”

“Glad I’m not the only one concerned.” 

Clara glanced at her watch again before looking at Tommy where he stood by the door. “You’ve actually come early?”

He nodded. “Someone had Adam make it very clear in my diary that I was meant to be home at a respectable hour today.” 

Clara hummed, feigning an impressed surprise, as though she hadn’t begged Tommy’s personal secretary at the commons to adjust his schedule to accommodate him being back in Warwickshire so early on a Friday evening. 

“Right. I think I’ll leave you two and go say hello to Charlie and Ruby while we wait on Finn,” Clara offered, slipping past Tommy on her way to the door. 

“Forgetting something, Clara?”

Clara turned back to him, snatching the forgotten boots from his outstretched hand.

“When our brother gets in, we can have a talk about your excursion in London on Tuesday evening, eh?”

Clara sighed. “I think we’re a bit old for a lecture, Tommy. It was nothing.”

“Seems like you two idiots’ll never be too old for a lecture,” he answered. “But go on. Go see the kids. I’m sure they’ve been asking after you all day.” 

Tommy watched his sister leave before taking the seat beside his wife. “Now, while we wait for Finn, you and I can have a talk about that baby you’ve got growing inside you, eh Lizzie?”

Lizzie scoffed. "Polly told you then? Or was it Clara?”

Tommy shook his head. Of course, his sister knew. He cleared his throat. 

“It was actually you, Lizzie,” he said, taking her hand in his. “Been eating honey on everything. Last time you did that was when you were pregnant with our Ruby.” 

Lizzie nodded, looked out at the kids again, saw Clara had joined Ruby and Charles, and the three of them were laughing like a set of maniacs as they ran about the lawn.

“You’re worried,” Tommy offered, guiding his wife’s face to his. “Let me into that head of yours, Lizzie.” 

She leaned into his touch as he cupped her cheek, allowed herself that comfort.  

“To clear it out?” she mumbled.

Tommy nodded. “To clear it out. Just like we agreed.” 

Lizzie placed her hand on top of his.

“Ruby’ll be asking after another sister.”

“Well, she’ll be disappointed then,” Lizzie answered. “It’s a boy.”

Tommy nodded. There was a time when he thought it mattered, back when boys became blinders and girls were considered liabilities but Tommy had stopped thinking that way, started thinking that Lizzie was right. And Grace had been right. There was only one way to keep them all safe.

“Either way,” he answered. “Another little you and me, eh?”

Lizzie nodded and Tommy pulled his eyes away at the approaching footsteps and laughter as Ruby and Charlie piled into the room.

“Daddy! Daddy!”

“And what have you lot been up to, eh?” Tommy asked, pulling Ruby into his lap as Charlie came to sit beside them.

“We’ve been playing, daddy!” Ruby said.

“Dad, Aunt Clara said she and Uncle Finn are ready for a shouting at whenever you are,” Charlie said. “They went to your office.”

Tommy shook his head, glanced quickly at Lizzie before he looked back to his boy. 

“What are you going to shout at them for, daddy?” Ruby asked, turning her head to look up at him.

“Don’t you worry about that, sweetheart,” Tommy answered.

“He’s gonna shout because they’ve been naughty,” Charles said to his sister. 

“Don’t shout very much, daddy,” Ruby answered. “It’ll ruin our supper.” 

“I’m not going to shout. We’re just going to have a talk about them setting a better example for you kids.”

“And then we’ll have supper?” Ruby asked.

“Then supper, Ruby,” he said. “I had Frances ask chef to make a special honey cake for dessert.”

“For mummy?” Ruby asked. “Mummy loves honey cake.” 

“And for your baby brother,” Lizzie answered, pulling Ruby’s hand to rest on her stomach. “The one growing in my belly.”

-----

Read more Little Lady Blinder stories here.

[eldritchteaparty]

Chapters: 19/22 Fandom: The Magnus Archives (Podcast) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist Characters: Martin Blackwood, Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), Sasha James, Rosie Zampano, Oliver Banks, Original Elias Bouchard, Peter Lukas, Annabelle Cane, Melanie King, Georgie Barker, Alice "Daisy" Tonner, Basira Hussain, Allan Schrieber Additional Tags: Post-Canon, Fix-It, Post-Canon Fix-It, Scars, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, I'll add characters and tags as they come up, Reference to injuries and blood, Character Death In Dream, Nudity (not sexual or graphic), Nightmares, Fighting, Spiders Summary: Following the events of MAG 200, Jon and Martin find themselves in a dimension very much like the one they came from--with second chances and more time.

Chapter summary: The group settles on a course of action much faster than Martin imagined they would.

Chapter 19 of my post-canon fix-it fic is up! Read at AO3 above or read here below.

Tumblr master post with links to previous chapters is here.

***

Martin was still tired as they drew close to Hill Top Road the next morning. It wasn’t surprising; the best sleep he’d gotten, other than the first few hours he’d slept before the spiders, had been in Allan’s car on the way out. He’d slept completely through their stop in Canterbury, where Allan had picked up his lab equipment. He woke up with his head on Jon’s shoulder in the back seat of the car, just a few miles from their destination.

“Ow,” he said as he straightened up, his neck cracking.

“I told you you could stay home,” Jon said. “You barely slept.”

“Don’t.” Martin was cross as he rolled his neck, trying to work out the cramp, and Jon put a hand on his arm.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

“It’s all right.”

That about doubled the number of words they’d said to each other that morning—and now they were here, back at Hill Top Road. From the street, the house appeared less foreboding than it had the last time; it seemed brighter, somehow, despite the cloudiness of the day. Maybe the owner had been back—or maybe the most recent occupant had left.

Martin waited for Tim to get out of the seat in front of him, then got out of the car himself. He hadn’t really spoken to Tim directly since he’d shown up yesterday, and wasn’t at all sure how Tim was feeling toward him. He was therefore both reassured and taken back when Tim put a hand on his shoulder on his way to the boot of the car.

I must be looking pretty good, he thought. They’re not even asking if I’m ok anymore.

It was just the four of them; Elias and the others had opted to stay together at the house. Jon had of course wanted to go, and that meant Martin went too; Tim had also made up his mind to go once he knew Jon was going. Martin watched as Allan opened the boot and began to pull out a number of padded carrying cases of different sizes, handing a few to Tim as he did.

“I know I fell asleep, sorry—what exactly are you—”

“We’re going to attempt to measure this—gap between the dimensions.” He handed Martin one final bag, and closed the boot as he did. “All of these instruments are designed to measure different types of energy.”

“They’re all from your lab?”

“Most of them,” Allan said, a small grin on his face; Tim shook his head.

“If I get in trouble for any of that—”

“I told you, no one will even know they’re missing. We’ll get it all back this afternoon.”

“So wait—this will show what, that the gap—exists?” Martin asked.

Allan shrugged. “Well—in all honesty, not really. If we get no unusual readings, that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It could just mean we don’t know how to measure it. And if we do—it doesn’t really tell us why. It would just be—well, consistent with some combination of my ideas about the entities and dimensional travel, really.”

“Um—oh. Ok.”

Jon sighed, and Martin recognized it specifically as Jon’s impatient sigh. It was one he had heard a lot in the past, although not so much recently. He supposed from Jon’s perspective, it was kind of a waste of time to not really prove the existence of something he already knew was there. As far as Martin was concerned, though, they could take all the time they wanted.

As they approached the porch, Martin found his impression from the street had been correct. There were many fewer cobwebs on the porch than there had been the last time. The lock, however, was still broken when Jon tried the door, which suggested the owner had not been back.

“You think she’s gone?” he asked Jon.

“Yes.”

“Who?” Tim looked at them suspiciously.

“Annabelle,” Jon replied casually.

“Annabelle.” Tim halted at the top of the steps on the front porch. “She’s here? Was here?”

“Was. I would have said something if—" He trailed off as he saw the look on Tim’s face. “Yes, well, the point is she’s not here.”

“Sure,” Tim said, in a way that made it clear he was not at all sure, but he did follow the rest of them into the house.

“This way.” Jon led them back to the spot in the center of the house where the scarred floorboards resided.

He’s so confident. Martin remembered how different it had been the last time they were here. Jon had been so sick; he had been grasping at straws for any way to regain his connection to the Eye. Martin certainly hadn’t wanted that to happen, but he also hadn’t wanted him to be miserable. Now, though, Jon was pushing ahead, jumping in—he was eager, excited even. Given the circumstances, Martin didn’t like it much more than he had liked things the last time they were here.

“That’s it?” Allan said, staring down at the floor. “Not really what I was expecting.”

“Well—obviously it’s not the gap itself,” Jon explained with slight irritation, as if he were offended at Allan’s disappointment. “It’s a representation of it. Certainly someone would have reported it if it were a cavernous maw extending into the infinite reaches of—”

“Yes, all right,” Allan, unbothered, set down the equipment he was carrying and seated himself on the floor next to it. “Let’s see—Tim, bring those over here, please.”

“Yes, sir.” Tim set his bags down on the floor next to Allan and stepped back near Martin to observe.

“So I’m thinking—hmm—let’s just start with this.” He unpacked a small handheld meter and held it up for them to see. “This is a Geiger counter.”

Tim raised his eyebrows. “That’s for radiation, right?”

“Yes,” Allan replied, as he pressed a button and the instrument’s screen flickered to life. He looked up in their direction just long enough to catch the anxious look on Martin’s face.

“No need to worry,” Allan said cheerfully as he stood up. “I’ll be looking at this from several angles, and this is just somewhere to start. Don’t let the idea of radiation bother you. There’s some level of radiation around us all the time—background radiation, it’s completely—well, not harmless, exactly, but well within the bounds of what the human body can withstand. This particular instrument is sensitive enough that we should be able to see relatively minor deviations from what we’d expect.”

“Oh,” Martin said, not knowing what else to say.

“All right, here we go.” Allan held the instrument up in the air and pressed a button and waited while it emitted an uneven series of a few clicks, and then checked the screen. He repeated this several more times, then nodded.

“Well?” Tim asked.

“Oh, sorry. I haven’t really done anything yet, just measuring background levels. Nothing out of the ordinary, pretty much what you’d expect for this part of England. But now I’ll know what I’m comparing to when I measure—that.” He gave another unimpressed look at the jagged mark running over the floor before bending over it with the instrument in hand. He moved it close to the mark and repeated the same process of measurements—pressing a button and then waiting for the clicks, then repositioning it to another spot, pressing the button and waiting again. “Huh.”

“What?” Martin couldn’t read Allan’s expression at all.

“Nothing,” Allan said, shrugging as he stood straight again. “I was averaging in my head, of course, so I might not be quite right, but—it would be like taking your temperature and reading 37 degrees exactly.”

Martin was relieved, but Jon, standing apart from the rest of the group, did not seem to be feeling the same way.

“Well, let’s move on,” Allan said, returning to his equipment pile and choosing a new device. “Let’s try this one. It’s for—oh—electromagnetic fields, radio frequencies—it’s sort of a cheap piece of equipment, actually, not very precise—but it should give us a good general picture.” He squatted down next to the mark on the floor again, adjusted a dial on the instrument, and began to move it closer and further away. He adjusted the dial several times as he continued to move it around the floor.

“Still nothing,” he said after a few minutes, sitting back on his haunches.

“Then that’s not the right way to measure it,” Jon said.

“I said when we came in that was a strong possibility,” Allan said, but it was clear Jon didn’t like this turn of events. “I’ve got a few more things we can—"

“It’s here,” Jon said.

“Can’t you just know the right way to measure it, then?” Tim’s tone was sarcastic, but Jon paused.

“Well…” He concentrated for a moment, then shook his head. “No. Apparently I can’t.” His growing frustration was obvious.

“Hey.” Now that Martin was starting to feel a bit easier about everything, he felt a little bit bad for Jon. “That’s—that’s all right. That just means we’ll need more time to—”

Martin’s attempt at soothing him didn’t work. “But it’s right there. Damn it, I know it’s there. I can feel it, it’s like it’s just on the other side of—”

“Oh,” Allan said. Martin’s eyes jumped back to the instrument in his hand, still hovering just over the mark in the floor, and there was some kind of movement on the digital screen. A moment later, it had gone quiet again.

“What was that?” Tim asked.

“I don’t know.” Allan frowned. “It’s like there was a sudden—pulse of electrical activity. A lot of it.”

“Jon,” Tim said, looking over at him, “did you do something? While you were talking?”

“That couldn’t possibly—” Allan started to say, but Jon cut him off.

“Yes,” Jon said. “I—I don’t know, I was looking for the—well, really, the tape—it’s—”

“Oh,” Allan said again, as the numbers on the screen resumed their movement. He walked it intently over different parts of the floor, then moved it further away and then closer again. Martin couldn’t really follow the whole thing from where he was standing, but Allan’s body language was enough to concern him. “This—this doesn’t make sense. Even if—Jon, stop. Whatever you’re doing, stop.”

“All right.”

“Incredible,” Allan said after a moment had passed. “That really shouldn’t be possible. There’s no—” He stood and walked toward Jon, and extended the meter toward him. “Do it one more time.”

“Don’t—” Martin started.

“I’m all right,” Jon snapped, but then softened as Martin felt the slight sting of his tone. “I’m—I’ll be careful. I’m fine right now.”

Allan was concentrating hard as he looked at the screen. “What was��have you done it yet?”

“No, I was—”

“It’s just that—never mind. Do it again. If—if you’re ok.”

Jon nodded, and glanced briefly in Martin’s direction. “I’m ok.”

Martin watched as Allan moved the instrument around Jon for the next thirty seconds or so, again switching the dial several times.

“Well?” Tim asked, as Allan stepped away.

“I don’t know,” he said hoarsely. “Tim, can you—can you fetch the Geiger counter for me again?”

Tim did, and Allan stood back from Jon as he held it up into the air again. They heard the occasional irregular click as he did.

“So for now, don’t, um—just don’t,” he said as he stepped toward Jon. The frequency of the clicks began to increase as he moved the meter closer to his head, and Allan made a small sound in his throat as he flipped a switch on the instrument. “Let’s just—keep the sound off for right now.”

Martin could feel some of the blood drain from his face.

“Ok, now—know something,” Allan asked.

“What?” Jon said. “Sorry, it’s always difficult to think of—”

“Anything. Just not the—the gap. I want to see if—”

“Did I have coffee or tea this morning?” Tim asked.

Jon thought. “Coffee.”

“Stop,” Allan said. “Stop.” He took a step back, white faced, and looked at Jon as if he had just appeared there.

“What?”

“Can I ask—how long did you say you’ve been doing this?”

“Knowing things? Uh—a few years? I mean—not always like this, at first it was much harder, and—"

“A few years.” Allan turned the thought over. “Ok. I’m going to say this once—because I think you should know. I don’t see—I don’t see how you’re—well, alive.”

There were long seconds of silence before Jon answered.

“I’m fine.”

Martin exploded. “You are not fine.”

“I just meant in the sense that—”

“I know, and—”

“I am alive. That is the point.”

More long seconds ticked by.

“You heal though, right?” Tim said quietly. “Like—after you—like when I found you in front of the Institute.”

“Yes.” A look of sudden understanding passed across Jon’s face. “Yes, that’s right. That—that would make sense.”

“Would it?” Allan looked at Martin. “You, um—sorry to—you’re—well, you’re sharing a room, so—I imagine you’re—close?”

Martin wasn’t sure what Allan was getting at. “Um—”

“Yes. He heals too. Or, he has, in the past.” Oh, Martin thought, after he heard Jon’s answer.

Oh.

“Wait. Are you saying that being near Jon is—”

“I don’t know,” Allan said. “I really don’t know. This is entirely unprecedented. It really shouldn’t—” He started to say something else, but hesitated.

“What?” Jon asked.

“I—” he hesitated again. “I want to do more tests, but I’m not sure if it’s—well, entirely ethical.”

“To ask me to keep going, you mean.”

“Yes.”

“It’s fine.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes.”

Allan looked at Martin.

“It’s not up to me,” Martin said.

Allan looked between Martin and Jon. “I’m, uh—I’m going to run out to the car for some extra equipment. Tim, come with me? I could use your help.”

“Sure,” Tim answered, and followed him out.

Martin waited a moment after they were gone, then said quietly, “I’m not sleeping away from you.”

“Martin.” Jon walked over to where he was standing and reached out to touch Martin’s hand. “Of course not. That’s ridiculous.”

“Good.” He had more to say, but he didn’t.

“Come on. That’s not what this is about. You don’t want me to do this.”

Martin sighed. “Fine. No, I don’t. I don’t want you to do any of this. Not just the tests, or whatever. Like—any of this.”

“I have to,” Jon said. “You know that.”

“Why do you think I didn’t say it? I can’t stop you. And I’d rather you not shut me out.”

“Martin, that—” He stopped himself, and squeezed Martin’s hand instead. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah.”

Martin let his hand fall away as Allan and Tim returned; Allan had put on a long-sleeved lab coat, and was holding a pair of gloves and a mask. “Just a precaution,” he said. “If you want to go ahead.”

“Yes,” Jon said. “I do.”

Martin watched as Allan pulled out yet another meter from a different bag. “Martin—can you hand me that?” he asked, indicating the case Martin was still carrying. He’d forgotten about it.

“Oh. Sure.” Martin handed it to him and he began to unpack that as well.

“So—this is so I can record the readings,” he said, as he pulled some wires out and began to connect them to the new meter. “And this is—it uses a more powerful method of detection than the Geiger counter. It’s not as sensitive, but that’s, uh—well, that’s not going to be an issue.”

Martin suddenly realized how much he didn’t want to be there anymore.

“I’m going outside. I’ll just be out front.” Without waiting for anyone’s reaction, he made his way back to the front of the house. He stood on the porch, his arms folded and resting on the railing. He looked out over the lawn. The rest of the neighborhood, apart from this house, really was a suburb. It seemed nice enough; maybe not a great neighborhood, but not a bad one, certainly. It hadn’t really done anything to deserve this awful place.

He sat and watched the clouds roll overhead and wondered it if would rain. He tried not to think too much about what was going on inside the house, what they were doing and where it would lead. He had no idea how long he had been standing there when he became aware that he wasn’t alone.

“Hey,” Tim said, as Martin looked over at him.

“Hey,” Martin answered, then went back to looking up at the sky. “So—what’s going on in there?”

“I don’t know,” Tim said. “It’s like some sort of weird playdate? It’s over my head. Allan keeps turning dials and saying things like incredible and amazing and then Jon—”

“Never mind,” Martin said. “Just—is he keeping himself together? Jon, I mean?”

“He seems to be.”

They looked out at the sky and lawn together.

“Martin,” Tim said eventually, “I know I said this before, but I want you to know I meant it. Jon is lucky to have you.”

“Hm.”

“Listen, I know—I know this has to be hard for you. Before we—before we make any decisions, I want you to know that—”

“Don’t,” Martin said coldly.

“All right.” Tim nodded and returned to looking back over the railing. “Do you want to be alone?”

No, Martin thought. I don’t ever want to be alone again. He wanted to scream it.

Instead, he just said, “Not particularly.”

“Good,” Tim said. “I don’t particularly want to go back in there.”

***

“So—wait,” Melanie said, looking at Allan over her half-empty dinner plate. “You’re saying you don’t really know anything at all, then?”

“Well, yes and no.” He was struggling to find words as they sat together in the great room again. “What I’m saying is—from a scientific perspective, which of course is why I’m here—there’s no way to know what any of this means. I’ve never heard of anything like this before. It’s completely unique, as far as I know.”

“So we can’t prove there’s a gap between dimensions, and we can’t prove the entities exist,” Sasha clarified.

“Correct,” Allan said. “I can’t even begin to suggest a mechanism for anything I saw today.”

“But you did see something today,” Melanie prodded.

“Well—yes,” Allan said. “That’s an understatement. We saw massive fluctuations of energy just—across almost the entire spectrum. And—again, I have no way to explain it or understand it, but—Jon does appear to be able to manipulate it, to some extent.”

“Well, that’s definitely something,” Melanie said. “You said you recorded your readings. Do you think you’ll learn anything else from going back through them?”

“Not—not in a way that could help us. It will take years to even begin to make any real sense of this. As—as a scientist. To be perfectly clear, I—I can’t vouch for any particular course of action. I have no way of verifying that there has ever been any travel across dimensions, or that—starting an apocalypse would provide the energy required to do it again, or—or that anything we discussed yesterday is even a possibility.”

“As a scientist,” Georgie repeated. “What about—as a person? What do you think?”

“I’m—I’m not sure that’s really what’s important here.”

“Yes, it is.” It was one of the few things Elias had said at all since they’d come home.

“I agree,” Sasha said. “I’d like to know what you think.”

“Well—personally”—he looked around at the group— “after what I’ve heard from all of you, and after talking with Elias last night—I believe Jon.”

It was quiet for a moment as the group absorbed this. Martin’s stomach, which had already rejected even the concept of any food he’d thought about putting in it that night, tightened painfully.

“Ok,” Georgie said slowly. “Well—for the sake of argument—Jon, do you really think you could do it? Could you—could you really move us to another dimension? In a way that—well, will actually help things?”

“I can do it,” Jon said, without hesitation.

“No,” Martin said.

The discomfort was tangible; Martin could tell nobody wanted to speak.

“Martin,” Sasha finally said, “why—why are you so against this?”

“I’ve already said. It’s too dangerous.”

“So you think he can’t do it? That it won’t work?”

Martin drew his hand down firmly over his mouth.

“Say what you have to say,” Jon urged him. Martin didn’t care for how calm he was. “They should hear it.”

Martin stared at him. “Ok, fine. Fine, I’ll say it. If you think you can do it—I’m sure you can. I’m just not sure you will. What if—what if this time—what if the Eye finally just takes you?”

“It won’t. It didn’t last time.”

“Didn’t it?”

“No. Not—not like that. I still—I still got to choose.”

“And we still don’t know what Annabelle’s been trying to get you to do.”

“She doesn’t matter.”

“Oh, really?”

“Do you believe me that I’ll never let them out of here? The entities? That’s what she wants.”

Martin paused; he knew his panic was coming across to everyone. “Yes. But that’s not—even if you don’t—look, if it fails, that’s it for us. We’re stuck in an apocalypse. This world is stuck in an apocalypse. You said that yourself.”

“And it’s still true. It is a risk. But I don’t think I’ll fail.”

“But what happens to you? What if—what if we lose you?”

Jon looked away.

“Jon?” Georgie prompted.

“It’s—it’s a possibility.”

“How much of a possibility?” Georgie asked.

“It’s—um—” Jon cleared his throat. “It’s not unlikely.”

“I see,” Sasha said.

“That matters, right?” Martin somehow managed to get the words out. “Tell me that matters to the rest of you.”

“Of course it matters,” Sasha said. “I didn’t—"

“No, it doesn’t,” Jon said.

“Jon—”

Several people began to talk at the same time, but it was Tim who won out.

“Listen,” he said. “Listen. I know—I know this is going to sound awful, but—I agree with Jon.”

“It does sound awful,” Sasha reprimanded him. “It sounds completely awful.”

“Just hear me out.” Tim spoke his words slowly and deliberately. “If I were Jon—if I could stop this—if I had this chance to—to save the people they haven’t hurt yet—I would. I wouldn’t hesitate. And I wouldn’t want anyone to stop me.”

“Yes, you would,” Jon said. “You did.”

“And—I know I’ve been angry—but this isn’t about that. It’s not because I blame him. It’s because he’s the only one who can. I think—I think this should be Jon’s choice. That’s all.”

“Thank you, Tim.” Jon was still calm, controlled. Martin hated it.

Tim briefly met Martin’s eyes before looking down to the floor in front of him. “And I wouldn’t wait. I’d—I’d want to just do it. If we really can’t learn anything else, I say we do it soon. Tomorrow, if we can. Prevent as much further damage as possible.”

“I agree,” Jon said.

“No,” Martin said. “That’s insane. Are you insane?” He looked around at the group; none of them would look back at him. “Have you all lost your minds? Are you considering this?”

“I—I don’t know,” Sasha said, finally raising her face. “Are we?”

“Jesus Christ.” Martin got to his feet, not really sure where he was going; he was halfway there before he realized he was headed for the door to the back of the house. Behind him, he heard several people speaking, although he had no idea if they were talking to him; he couldn’t process it anymore. He couldn’t think at all until he felt the cool night air on his face. He stopped, heart pounding, and crumpled onto the porch against the back of the house. For the first time in his recent memory, he wanted to cry; of course, now he couldn’t make the tears come.

Behind him, he heard the door open and close.

“Go away.” He didn’t really care who it was.

“I’d rather not.” Beside him, Jon lowered himself onto the porch; for some reason, Martin had assumed it would be one of the others. He was surprised to find he felt slightly mollified. “We don’t have to talk. It’s just—I don’t have anywhere else I want to be right now.”

“Come off it. Go back in and keep explaining why you need to martyr yourself.”

“I’ve said what I need to say. It’s better if they talk without us.”

Martin sighed heavily. “They’re going to go for it, aren’t they?”

Jon didn’t answer him. Instead, he moved closer to Martin, leaning into him and resting his head on his shoulder. Hollow as he felt, Martin didn’t even think; his automatic response was to put his arm around Jon, pulling him in even closer. He pressed his lips to the top of Jon’s ear.

“We never had a chance, did we,” he said. “The two of us.”

“We still might.”

“You don’t really believe that.”

“I never believed we’d be here, either.” Jon said.

“That’s not very reassuring.”

Jon turned so that his back was against Martin’s chest, and Martin did what he always did; he slipped his hand up under the edge of Jon’s shirt, bringing it up to the scar on Jon’s ribcage. Instead of protesting or merely tolerating it, though, this time Jon brought his own hand to rest over Martin’s on the outside of his shirt.

“I loved you here too, you know,” Jon said quietly. “Before this, I mean. In this world.”

“Oh, I know,” Martin said.

“Well. Here I thought I was making a grand romantic confession, but—never mind, I guess.”

“No, it’s—I’m sorry.” He kissed Jon’s temple softly by way of apology. “Thank you. I just meant now that—now that we’ve been together, now that I know what you’re like when you—it’s sort of obvious, looking back. Plus, there was your pin.”

“My pin?”

“You know—when we had forgotten everything when we first—and you couldn’t remember your pin number on your laptop.”

“Oh,” Jon said, and even in the dark Martin saw a smile play across his lips. It had been too long since he had seen Jon smile. “Right. I used your birthday. That’s—is it odd that I feel embarrassed?”

“Frankly, yes.”

“Sasha just—she insisted I set it in front of her, and then she kept guessing them—”

“Because you kept typing 1234.”

“Well—yes, but—anyway, it just came into my head, and I knew no one would ever guess, because—because I was never going to tell anyone how I felt. Especially not you.”

“Yeah, well—I wasn’t going to either.” He held Jon tighter. “We’re a couple of idiots. You know that, right?”

“Yes.” Jon turned his face up and back, and Martin couldn’t help but kiss him.

“Martin,” Jon said, “I know—I know I’ll never change your mind.”

“If it were me, you would never go along with it. You would never let me—you didn’t, actually.”

“I—” Jon paused. “No. You’re right. I’m asking you to do something I couldn’t do.”

“Thank you.”

“I just—I want you to understand. I want you to hear me.” He paused.

“I’m listening.”

“Nothing will ever fix what I’ve done.”

“You didn’t do this. Jonah Magnus did this. The Web did this. The—never mind. Go on.”

“Nothing will ever undo it. Every day I think about—about Sasha. And Tim. And Daisy. The other ones, the ones who—and an entire world of human beings who suffered because of things I did. And then there’s everyone here in this world who—none of them should ever have—” Jon’s voice cracked. “But I can stop it. I can make it so it doesn’t get worse. Or at least—at least give it a real chance. And I have to try.”

“And you have to try tomorrow.”

“Tim was right, Martin. Every day that passes like this is—”

“Tim is just worried about Danny.”

“Is that wrong of him?”

“I—no. No, I guess not. My point is just that it’s not like he’s—it’s still completely selfish.”

“He’s not being any more selfish than you.”

“I know that.” His chest ached as he breathed in, and he sighed reflexively. Jon turned just enough to tuck his head against Martin’s collarbone, and he felt his chest loosen just a little. “Ok, but really—what about Annabelle? That’s not being selfish. We both know what she wants—but we have no idea how she’s trying to get it. And we’re probably walking into it.”

“Probably.”

“Well then, why—”

“Because I don’t intend to give it to her.”

“But that’s exactly the point, we don’t know how—”

“Do you really think that waiting will solve that? Even if she is trying to push me—do you really think that she won’t just—change tactics? Adapt?”

“I—I don’t know.”

“If we wait to—I don’t know, learn something, let something happen that she doesn’t want—do you really believe she won’t have some other plan?”

He hadn’t ever thought that far ahead, to what would happen after they waited, whatever that meant. He realized with a sinking heart that no, he didn’t really believe it.

“But then—why are we doing anything at all? Why are we even bothering? If we can’t ever do the right thing—”

“Because we have to try. I have to try. I just do. Doing nothing would be—and maybe—maybe we’ll get lucky.”

“Yeah. That—that’s our thing, for sure. Luck.”

Jon reached for Martin’s free hand, the one that wasn’t against his heart, and pulled it to his mouth; he kissed each knuckle in turn. “We haven’t been entirely unlucky.”

Martin was out of things to say. Once more, Jon had already won. Everyone in the room behind them was deciding to go ahead with this stupid plan. There was nothing he could do that was going to stop it.

Well—as he thought about it, he did have one more thing to say.

“Jon—I don’t—I don’t want to go into this like—like last time. So—just so you know—nothing’s changed. I’m going with you. Wherever that is.”

Jon held his breath for a moment before answering. “And if I can save you—"

“Then you’d better save both of us.”

“Martin—”

“No. You know what’s out there for me without you, and—I don’t want it. You can’t—" Jon turned suddenly in his arms, so that Martin’s hand slid from his ribs to his shoulder.

He kissed him.

“Jon—”

“Please.”

They were still kissing several minutes later when Jon abruptly sat up; he opened his mouth to say something, but then learned back in toward Martin.

“No,” Martin said, putting a hand up to Jon’s face. “You know something, don’t you? They decided and you know.”

Jon nodded, sliding his hand over Martin’s as he did. “Yes.”

“Ok.”

“They want to do it. Tomorrow.”

***

It was hours later; Martin didn’t know how long he had lain awake. He’d come back to the bedroom on his own at first; he’d stayed for some of the planning, listened to their excitement, their nerves, their arguing—but it had quickly gotten to the point where he couldn’t do it anymore. He knew where he would be anyway, and that was with Jon; he had nothing else to contribute. The looks he’d gotten when he’d stood up had been seared into his consciousness, a mixture of worry and pity.

“Martin,” Sasha called to him as he was leaving, “are you—”

“Yes,” he’d said.

He’d gone to brush his teeth before getting in bed. He didn’t know what possessed him, particularly, but when he saw his reflection in the mirror, he did something he hadn’t done in a long while. He removed his shirt to look at his own scars. They were still there; they were exactly the same as they had been on the day he’d first seen them, dark red to pale white, torn and jagged and alternately smooth.

He was tired, he’d realized. He wanted to sleep, of course, he was still exhausted from the night before—but it was more than that. This was all just enough. Maybe it was all right. Maybe he and Jon had already had more time than they were meant to. Maybe it was time to let it go. Just—just so long as he didn’t end up alone.

He’d gotten in bed. He’d almost fallen asleep before Jon had come in, but after Jon had undressed and slipped under the sheets next to him, the restlessness had begun. Each time Jon moved, or sighed, or breathed even a little bit out of rhythm, Martin’s brain nudged him awake again. And now, here he was, sleepless and empty.

He breathed out, trying to reset his mind.

“Martin.”

“Sorry.” He’d thought Jon had been asleep.

“What—no, don’t apologize, just—go to sleep. You need rest for tomorrow.”

“I can’t.”

There was silence, and for a moment, he thought Jon had drifted off again.

“Martin, I’m—I’m not leaving you. I won’t go without you. You need to sleep.”

“I—I know.” He was lying, and Jon knew he was lying.

“Martin, this isn’t—this isn’t like last time. For one thing, I’d—I’d have to steal a car to get back to London on my own. All right? Can you trust me?”

Martin swallowed; that was exactly the problem, he realized. “I want to. I just—”

“Ok. All right. You’re right, of course you—that’s not fair for me to ask. I—hang on.” He saw the light from Jon’s cell phone; he heard him stand up and rummage through the suitcase on his side of the bed before sitting down on the mattress again.

“Jon—”

“Here. Give me your hand.” He held up his arm; Jon grabbed his hand, and Martin realized Jon was trying something around their wrists in the light from the phone.

“What—”

“It’s an old drawstring that pulled out from a pair of shorts. I never took it out of my suitcase.” He grabbed one end of the string in his mouth and pulled with his other hand. “There. I can’t possibly untie that without waking you up.”

“Are you going to be able to sleep?”

“I think so.” Jon turned off the light on his phone, and Martin felt the tug on his arm as Jon leaned over to put it back on the table next to the bed. “Anyway, I’m—I’m all right. You’re—not.”

“This—” Martin started to laugh. “This is ridiculous.”

“Yes. It is. Does it matter?” Jon interlaced his fingers with Martin’s and carefully folded up their bound arms between them; he brought his head to rest on the pillow next to Martin’s shoulder.

“I—I guess not.” He didn’t even realize he was finally crying until Jon reached up with his other hand to touch his cheek. He felt better for it, somehow; feeling something was good. It was better than the emptiness.

“Sleep.”

He did.

[ratonnhhaketon]

It’s Always Been You

Read on Ao3

Summary: Bloodhound and the reader keep getting pitted against each other in the arena, thanks to the jerks in the Apex Games Commission. After one particular, mentally-tolling match for Y/N, they agree that they've had enough. Bloodhound has had enough, and shows them just how much they mean to them with one simple action.

TW: Canon-typical violence (depictions of shooting/death in the Apex Games), Fluff

A/N: I really wanted to make the reader gender neutral but I hope using they/them for two characters isn’t too confusing. Enjoy!!

Being in a relationship with a coworker is never advised, no matter what field you work in. But, when your line of work is to battle to the death in an arena regularly, it’s certainly not advised. 

However, these rules didn’t seem to apply to Y/N and Bloodhound. They both aimed to keep their relationship private at first, PDA consisting of heartfelt glances to each other in group meetings or the occasional hand holding under tables, nothing more. But, after a legends-exclusive trip to the Paradise Lounge where Y/N may or may not have had a little too much to drink and started to get touchy-feely, the secret was practically out. Somehow the Apex Games Commission got word of the relationship and decided that “two lovers having to battle it out” was better for keeping views up, so they were rarely placed on the same team. Today’s game was no exception. 

The team was cleaning up after a run in with a squad by the building overlooking Bunker. A care package had landed not too far from where they were looting and Y/N barely even heard Octane announce he was going to check it out before he sprinted off down the hill.

“Kraber here!” His voice cracked over the comms. 

Y/N’s head snapped up and called out a “Dibs!” over the comms before they even started moving. They slid the whole way down the hill, instinctively dropping their empty Sentinel and exchanging it for the legendary weapon before retreating back up the hill and into the safety of the building. They ducked into a corner by the open window in the building and equipped the weapon, almost smiling at the oh so familiar feeling of the sniper in their hands. 

They looked over the arena around them, scanning the hills and valleys for a target. Gunfire stirred up on the hill across the small river from them. Y/N adjusted their grip on the weapon and started mumbling numbers out loud to themself, their brain working overtime to calculate the correct trajectory for a clean kill. 400 meters, plus damage drop-off…

A single shot rang out, curving through the air and going straight through the enemy’s skull. 

Attention: new kill leader appointed. 

Bloodhound’s masked eyes jumped from their hiding spot under a building up to the screens hanging from Bunker’s entrance to their left and were met with Y/N’s banner, featuring them looking menacingly at the camera with their prized purple Kraber, hanging to announce their new status. They pulled themself away and returned to shielding back up to return to the fight their teammates were still dealing with. 

Y/N, of course, paid the announcement no mind as they continued to scan over the area in search of their next target. What they didn’t expect was to be met with a familiar set of red goggles hiding quite far from them. Their target was distracted and in perfect view for a clean headshot, but something inside made them hesitate to pull the trigger. Instead they just looked on as Bloodhound finished shielding up and initiated their ultimate ability, watching their goggles glow a bright red before they ran into battle. Y/N waited in their perch as Bloodhound’s ultimate drained while they took out a few enemies and their goggles returned to their regular hazey maroon. As they ducked down to revive a teammate, the sniper lined up another shot- this time aiming for the chest so as to only down them. 

Just as the third member of their team was pulled to their feet, a single bullet flew through the air and directly into what was left of Bloodhound’s body shield, making them fall to their knees. Upon seeing them fall, Octane stimmed and sprinted down the hill to finish off the teams that were fighting. Y/N and the third member of their team, a random newbie that neither of the legends had met before, followed suit. 

The trio had managed to successfully third-party both squads that were fighting, but only one had fully died and dropped their death boxes. It was clear that one member of the remaining team had managed to snag a self-revive knockdown shield, and Y/N knew exactly who it was. Octane and the newbie on their team shared a knowing glance as they approached Bloodhound, who had tried to crawl away from the fight in an attempt to get themself back on their feet. 

Y/N kneeled down to be eye-level with their significant other. Their lips curled into a sad smile as they said, “Hello, my love.”

Bloodhound let out a grunt of pain as they clutched at their side. “A beautiful shot, elskan. It is truly an honor to fall by your hand.” 

Y/N pulled their small knife from its sheath on their belt and dug it into their opponent’s abdomen. As they pulled it from their body, Bloodhound, along with their teammates, all instantly dropped their death boxes. Y/N stood up as the announcer’s voice boomed through the arena’s speakers. 

Attention: A winner has been appointed. 

Several drones began to circle the team while Octane and the third member celebrated, with Y/N showing their excitement with a slight smile. 

These are your Apex Champions. 

~~~~~

After the game had concluded and the legends were picked up by the dropship, Y/N made a beeline to the infirmary wing. There was a nurse exiting Bloodhound’s room, who graciously left the door ajar when she saw that day’s Champion approaching. They gave the nurse a nod and smile of appreciation before entering the room and softly shutting the door. 

“Hey stranger,” they said quietly to not disturb the hunter, even though they inevitably knew they were approaching. “You feeling okay?”

Bloodhound sat up in the bed, “Just sore, but I vill be fine.” Y/N sat down in the chair next to the bed and scooted it to be a bit closer.  “I am very proud of you, elskan min. You have shown much strength in the arena today.” Bloodhound’s gloved hand extended forward and lightly gripped their hand, intertwining their fingers. 

Y/n brought their hands up to their lips and pressed a soft kiss to Bloodhound’s knuckles. “I just wish..” they began to say before looking at their feet and sighing. “I hate that they keep splitting us up. I hate having to finish you off instead of fighting by your side.”

A pained groan next to them caused their head to shoot back up and see their significant other moving to sit facing towards them with their legs off of the bed. They watched as the hunter pulled their hand away to remove their gloves before placing both of their hands around Y/N’s face. Their palms were cold, something they had realized must have been a result of the cooling accident they had been told about, but it was a comforting feeling. A grounding feeling. 

“I have spoken with Ajay and Natalie, and they both believe ve should speak with the Games Commission. If they do not stop treating us like this I vill stop participating in the games.”

Y/N’s eyes widened. “Blooth, no, don’t say that. I know how much these games mean to you, don’t make me be the reason you quit.”

Bloodhound glanced quickly to the door, making sure it was securely shut, and back at their beloved sitting in front of them. They wordlessly pulled their hands back from their face and up to their helmet, pulling it up and setting it on the clean bedding next to them. Next were their goggles and hood, which came off in one simultaneous and swift motion. Soft red curls that were intricately braided out of their face with an undercut that desperately needed shaved were exposed to the world and Y/N sat stunned. Their eyes were a delicate blue that almost seemed grey, with a scar slicing through the left eyebrow. 

A small hiss brought Y/N back from their thoughts of admiration as Bloodhound unhinged the clips on their respirator. It was last to fall on the bed with the rest of their equipment, and they sat there feeling as exposed as the day they were born. 

Y/N had heard the story of the cooling accident, as they had always wondered why their beloved’s body temperature felt so unnaturally low, but they never imagined it would leave scars on their face. Faded, light blue lighting bolts shot across their face, extending from their mouth and nose area. It looked almost like veins, or tree branches and the roots were their respiratory system. 

Many things had been communicated without words. Undying amounts of love and a trust that took years of the legends knowing each other to gain. They had shown a side of themself that even the doctors and nurses on the ship had not seen yet, proving that Y/N meant more to them than any title or win in the games ever could. 

“Bloothundr,” they said breathlessly, barely above a whisper. They raised a hand towards their face but pulled back hesitantly, not wanting to make the hunter uncomfortable. Bloodhound nodded silently, and they cupped their hands around their cheeks. A soft thumb lightly traced a scar that extended from the corner of their lip back towards their hairline. 

“Y/N,” they spoke up, looking at the person seated in front of them with nothing but adoration in their eyes. “I love you. The games do not matter, as long as you vill be by my side.” 

They leaned in, gently resting their foreheads together and smiled with tears in their eyes.“I love you too, Blooth. Always.”

[tsskyx]

Unmeta

You know what’s ridiculous? This post was originally supposed to be an essay, an entire thesis backed with unshakable logic that I wanted to become my magnum opus. But as it turns out, I’m pretty terrible at doing that sort of thing. The first day I’m full of enthusiasm, while the next day I reread what I wrote and I delete it all again. It’s terrible.

For this reason, I’ve decided to just start with the opinion part. Instead of laying out the facts and easing the reader into it, I’ll just blurt everything out in one go. Instead of neatly organizing everything, I’ll write my thoughts as they come to me.

(Update for 2/Oct/2021: I no longer remember when I made the first draft of this post. Maybe it was in 2018, maybe even as early as 2017. Who knows. This post existed in my drafts since forever. It is time to finally publish it. It contains very little information, very little evidence for anything or logic or facts, it’s just a one big opinion piece that I began writing years ago out of frustration. Frustration not aimed at the game itself, nor at Toby or anyone else, but at my inability to decouple the “meta” from Undertale and thus causing me to disassociate from the characters that I loved, when I didn’t plan to do so. All I ever wanted is to make sense of the Undertale world, instead of giving its inhabitants a meta-existential dread. In a nutshell, for the Undertale world to be self-contained, the 4th wall must stay intact, and the mechanics of the UT world mustn’t resemble a video game. That’s basically the gist of this post. Proceed with reading.)

You know Undertale meta? All the 4th wall breaking stuff and whatnot? The stuff that makes the game so awesome?

What about it you say?

It’s not real. I don’t think it is. It cannot be.

Tell me, has Undertale personally impacted you? Was it more than just a game to you? I know for a fact that for many people, it was much more than that. So tell me, is it fine by you that despite presenting itself in this way to us, it still sort of cops out of this at the very end? (By which I mean, when we learn that we aren’t Frisk. That we’re just someone controlling them.)

Some say that this cop-out, this act of “disassociation”, is necessary for our psychological journey to end. And I agree. We cannot dwell on this forever, else we lose our minds. But what I meant is something much more... materialistic.

Let’s take Oneshot, a game that’s arguably even more meta than Undertale. Oneshot embraces the 4th wall. It labels us a god. It portrays the game itself as an in-game machine. And yet, it feels real. Despite all this ridiculousness, the story feels real and possible. Kind of like The Matrix. Perhaps think of everyone in Oneshot except for the main character as a Matrix program, while Niko is the only user hooked up to it. It still feels real, because Niko is real, because there exists a real world they can to return to.

But Undertale floats somewhere between being real and being a fairy tale, a mere bedtime story. The reason is its lax handling of the 4th wall. Say, if Undertale were to be considered a “real” possibility, as in, entirely fictional, but still believable, kinda like The Matrix, kinda like any science fiction, or just fiction in general, what would it be like?

I’ll tell you, everything would have to be real, everything would have to look exactly how we see it. There’d need to be turns, there’d need to be save files, there’d need to be so many bizarre things, it probably wouldn’t take long before the NPCs themselves realized their own nonexistence, probably around the time they developed computers and video games. It’d be so similar, they’d have to be either stupid or under some kind of spell to not realize that their entire world is just one giant video game. Especially Flowey. Some say that he has already realized this, as his dialogue hints towards this. Which puts a super unfortunate spin on his condition. Furthermore, the entire game could be described through its Game Maker code. No need for laws of physics, just observe the if-else statements!

It would also mean that Frisk is controlled by a third unknown entity. If we were to take everything we do to Frisk at face value, it must all be them. Except... after a true reset, everything gets reset, even things about Frisk, such as them expecting the whoopee cushion prank. So... Frisk isn’t in control. But Chara isn’t either. Take for example the final fight against Asriel. Chara appeared pretty enthusiastic during it. What if someone were to reset the timeline during the fight? Either it wasn’t them who did so, or they were just pretending to be entertained, or perhaps they aren’t the narrator in the first place even.

No matter what, there will always be an instance where Frisk forgets, and where Chara doesn’t do something when they could have. Once you mess with the game enough, their personalities stop making sense.

This gradual breakdown of the narrative as I keep attacking the logic of it from every direction imaginable is a symptom of something far bigger. The fact that unlike The Matrix or Oneshot, there is no “real world” in this game. The virtual part of it is what the game is trying to make us focus on. It’s all there is. There is not even a hint of “another” world in the game, a world that wouldn’t be governed by these terrible rules. And even if there was one, even if you consider what Sans said to be that world, even if you considered Deltarune to be that world, there is still no guarantee that everything will be okay. What if the characters - your friends, aren’t real in this actual real world, what if they’re all just computer simulations? There’d have to be an entire population hooked up to a virtual reality for everyone to be “safe” as I’m putting it in this hypothetical real world, which sounds not only ridiculous, but like a direct ripoff of The Matrix.

The game has made Frisk the main character. Why, when making Sans the main one, the one who at least has a possibility of coming from a “real” real world, would be far more logical?

Because it lacks logic. Undertale is an experiment. Toby Fox is not a genius. He was just messing around, he didn’t think of literally every tiny little logical detail (contrary to what some individuals would like to think), he just explained enough for most of the story to make sense. But, no matter how you spin it, this fundamental flaw will always be there. The story tries to merge you and the protagonist, before disassociating you from them. Even if you always were disassociated from them, how can the in-game world be real, when other aspects of your reality weren’t disassociated yet? Where’s the disassociation for battles and turns, for save files and time travel, for stats and everything? How can Undertale claim to be complete, when it isn’t? ... Perhaps because it is not claiming to be. It’s an experiment after all. And I don’t mean “incomplete” as in a single update / new game can fix it. I mean the premise itself is already broken from the start. And while there are many fictional worlds which function on a similar level of meta, Undertale is the only one that appears to irk me mad. I don’t know why. Maybe I love the characters. Maybe I love them very much. Maybe I love them so much, that I wanna write a fan fiction about them. And maybe, just maybe, this tiny little issue is making this dream of mine impossible. Undertale is a story conveyed through game mechanics. Choosing any other medium breaks everything down and the author needs to invent their own rules. There’s simply no way around it. Unless someone has the balls to program a fan game of their own, there’s just no way to resolve this without adjusting the canon a little bit, to make it “a little bit more sensible” as some would put it. Just a small nudge, a lil’ nudgie wudgie to the canon mechanics AAAAAND we’re in fanon territory. Excellent, better go all out.

Here’s my head canon, my little “adjustment” of the canon rules. Thanks to it, I can once again think about Undertale as a real world, I no longer need to philosophize over the meta like I did above, I can all put it past me:

Saving, loading, resetting? Regular sci-fi time travel.

The save file? The parameters of the time machine.

LV and EXP? Another set of properties of the machine, though it could be properties of the soul too. I’m undecided on that note. But either works, that’s what’s important.

Chara destroying the world through LV? No, screw that, Chara merely tuned Frisk out. And the black void was the inside of their mind as Chara denied them access to their own body.

The intro? Literally never happened, no one “saw” it. (The past was still real. It’s just the intro that never existed.) The outro? Literally never physically occurred, Frisk wasn’t “stuck” on the ending credits, unable to go further, fuck that.

Flowey? No screw everything meta about Flowey, there exists a perfectly logical explanation to everything he says, and if not, such as in the genocide run with him hinting towards people watching but not acting... he never said that in the first place!

Same with turns, the battles don’t actually look that way, there are no turns, what Sans perceives and abuses as such is just an illusion, the actual battle against Sans is absolutely fluid. And him pausing at the end and not letting us go is him keeping his guard up, until falling asleep and giving us an opportunity to sneak near him and strike. We don’t need turns to explain it. And what he said about turns... just ignore it! Ignore everything that directly proves me wrong! Because resolving that fucking conundrum IS more important than being logically consistent, and you can’t change my mind on that. Screw logic when the foundation of the entire fandom, of every UT-related fiction, is at stake here.

And I shall call this philosophy... the Unmeta. Because it attempts to undo the meta. Hence, “unmeta” for short.

[bigskydreaming]

When did fanfiction change to where writers stopped writing about characters and started to completely change characters to fit in their pet issues? I'm seeing a billion stories on Ao3 with Dick with ADHD. Like, a core part of Dick's character is that he is a master of executive function. He can be a cop, run the Titans, be Nightwing in Bludhaven, and mechanically engineer his own gear at the same time. What's the point of writing about a character if you ignore how they actually function?

Idk what to tell you on this one dude, because I can’t criticize something I do myself. *Shrugs* I don’t make a secret about projecting a lot of my own issues onto Dick in particular and use him as a proxy to work stuff out, and this is one of the key differences where I do think fanfiction and pro fiction part ways.....like, if I were hired to write Dick in canon, professionally, I would make a point to try not to do that, because I think the pro writers not putting any effort to prioritize being professional with their characterizations over just letting their personal fanboy preferences run wild, like.....I view that as a MAJOR contributor to a lot of the crap characterizations we get in canon.

But when it comes to fanfic, like.....projection’s always been there? Like, its always been a pretty core element of what draws people to fandom in the first place. Likely, its just the DEGREE of projection that might be different or unfamiliar to you with this particular character compared to others you’ve been in other fandoms for? Idk, I really can’t speak to why it seems to be more of a current thing than something that’s been present as a fandom trend all along.

And lol, I mean, personally, I absolutely headcanon Dick with ADHD myself as well, and yeah, that’s one of my personal projection things, it plays into various elements that I personally really relate to Dick’s character additionally.....and whether you meant to or not, you’re veering hard into ableist territory with your ask there. Not in the sense that you’re trying to be offensive, but in the sense that you’re demonstrating an incorrect or only partial understanding of what it even means to have ADHD.

Like....yeah I headcanon and write Dick as having ADHD, but I also headcanon and write him as being extremely hyper-competent and skilled in all those ways you mention, and they’re not inherently contradictory statements or mutually exclusive cuz like. Just as an example, he could function just as neurotypically as anyone else with the aid of the right medications? And I mean, its not like there haven’t been extremely hyper-competent scientists, doctors, leaders, soldiers, people of every profession who have ADHD and compensate for that in various ways, or some who probably don’t even NEED to compensate to be masters of what society would view as executive function....because ADHD isn’t remotely one size fits all, so there’s plenty of people for whom the symptoms don’t require adjusting anything about their routines or thinking to mesh with the rest of society, and for whom the ADHD is even an advantage.

*Shrugs* Personally, I view Dick as having ADHD because it would be an advantage for him. A lot of the ways I think I’m particularly skilled or talented are directly connected to my ADHD, and that’s WHY I headcanon him that way. People with ADHD tend to make up a high percentile of what you could call ‘jacks of all trades,’ as in, talented in a wide range of things because their constantly shifting focus sometimes leads to them doubling down and trying that much harder to master EACH different skill they focus on trying in whatever short time their attention span consistently allows....and jack of all trades is definitely something I would use to describe Dick.

Also, more than one therapist and psychiatrist I’ve seen over the years has made the point that my ADHD probably played a very big role in me even being able to survive my massively shitty childhood. In hindsight, I was displaying ADHD symptoms from a pretty young age, relatively speaking, and so as they put it, its entirely possible and even likely that my ADHD enabled me to kinda mentally ‘check out’ at many points, even when literally in the midst of trauma at times. And making it that much harder for the full weight of abuse I was going through to fully sink in and leave a lasting impression on me....before my brain said time’s up and changed the channel. So in that sense too, ADHD wouldn’t be a drawback or hindrance to Dick, but could actively have HELPED him survive and cope with the extreme spectrum of trauma he’s been through over and over.

So like, basically two different elements to your ask there, but I think that addresses both of them. For real though, don’t underestimate neurodivergence....it doesn’t just create obstacles, it can have perks as well.

[breakingbadfics]

Death of the author

CW: Light discussion of politics, mentions of the Alt-Right, and White Supremacists. 

Consider this a “Change of Pace” entry. I’m trying to figure out what the next essay is to be about as well as the eventual long term for this blog. 

I wrote this essay back in mid 2019, long before the idea of this blog would come to mind, it’s been lightly edited prior to posting and added to. and I think this essay shows some of my influences much more heavily than my other writings.

What does My Little Pony and The Matrix have in common?  Death of the Author. 

Death of the Author is not to be confused with “Separating the Artist from the Art,” a self explanatory concept to distance a work from a creator who’s beliefs are more than a little unpleasant, easiest example is acknowledging that, yes,  H.P. Lovecraft was a Mega-racist, however, his contributions to the horror genre have created a base that is nearly ubiquitous with the genre to this day, like wise with Orson Scott Card. this concept in itself is an especially controversial subject, but is not the focus of this piece.

Death of the Author is what allowed The Matrix, a movie with a collection of metaphors about being an lgbt person, and an activist for the rights of yourself and your allies to be grossly misinterpreted as a way to justify being a bigot, the most egregious misinterpretation being that of “The Red Pill Scene.”

In the context of the film, The Red Pill Scene is the part of the traditional heroes story where the hero “accepts the call”, Neo is quite literally making the choice to leave the safe world he’s been living in behind and embark on his adventure that will result in a death and rebirth into being The One who will save humanity. In the now very much understood to be the direct metaphor, it’s a scene in which Neo, the stand-in for a lgbt person, specifically a trans person, is being told by a much older lgbt person “You are trans, you have the choice to embrace it, but regardless of what choice you make from here on out the road ahead is going to be bumpy and rough on you, because the system around you is designed to make sure people like us aren’t able to prosper, and if you join us, you won’t be able to opt out.” 

That is the very understood metaphor that most people accept with the modern understanding after The Wachowski’s came out as Lily and Lana in the “post-matrix trilogy” reality of the real world.

However due to the Moral Neutrality of Death of the Author in other circles the Red Pill(and all the other metaphors in the film) takes on an alternative meaning. And I can be “polite” in my explaing the bad take on how this scene plays out, but just to hammer the point home we’ll get dirty so you can know where the take is coming from, The Red Pill Scene for White supremeacists, and The alt-right (but I repeat myself) is such.  Neo, a disgruntled white person is being told that the world is controlled by soulless machines. Jews, people of color, etx. Everyone around him is mind controlled and can and will attempt to stop him from saving the people smart enough to also realise they’re being held captive by non-whites and save them all. This of course, all being told to him by Morpheus, a black man. So have fun working your head around that. 

This of course the most extreme example being the most ubiquitous, poke around on chan sites and sooner or later you’ll see the phrase “red pill” having been memetically adjusted to mean “hey tell me about this thing” or even more specifically “I already had an opinion about this but either way I want you to confirm my choice.” But I digress. 

These two interpretations are so wildly on the opposite ends of the spectrum that the only commonalities between them is “You will likely need to be violent at some point” 

I’m naturally only covering the two interpretations, the matrix itself has been picked apart by an untold number of people and people interpret it in as many ways as possible in terms of philosophical meaning. That is the nature of Death of The Author. 

Death of the Author also covers in a round-a-bout fashion, selective canon, a subjective acknowledgement of canon elements throughout a long lived franchise- see; Star Wars, Star Trek, the belief that there was never any sequels to The Matrix. This variant of the philosophy allows one to be able to continue interactions with a text, specifically a text that consists of multiple volumes (or contributions, each one made by an individual author) but also deny interactions with parts that they personally dislike. 

More often than not, you can attribute the death of the author to a bad take in a case of fiction, another primary example being Fight Club, often missed for the scathing critique of unhealthy male behaviour and propped up as some sort of moral guideline for how to live your life. Which is again, not to say this is the fault of Death of The Author as a philosophy, it is morally neutral, these bad takes can more often be attribued to the simple fact that unless directly stating it most attempts at satire or parody will have a contingent of people who agree with what is said, not what is meant, and death of the author unfortunately does make that..very easy, for good, or ill. 

Where does My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fit in with all this?  Well there are certainly alt-right members of the brony fandom who are painfully missing the point, but we’ve already dwelled on the negative enough, so let’s get happy. 

In Episode 1 of Season 1, the first part of a two part pilot, in the background of a shot during a party scene; a pony with a grey coat and blonde mane and tail is seen in the background. This particular pony stood out the most amongst other background characters due to a mistake caused by the animation staff. According to the supervising director at the time, this particular error was spotted after hasbro greenlit the episode for air, and because it amused him he chose not to order a correction so it was left in as a nice little easter egg. 

The nameless background pony would eventually be caught by 4chan among other places and very rapidly developed a following of fans and given a nickname, Derpy Hooves. This particular following and new nickname would echo back to shows staff becoming the name internally referred to by the show’s staff. 

Friendship is magic creator Lauren Faust, who also enjoyed the popularity of the character when asked in an interview would state that a character named Ditzy Doo existed in an unaired episode, that would be implied to be this particular background pony, So naturally now depending on the fan this particular character would be reffered to as either Derpy Hooves, or Ditzy Doo.  

Ditzy Doo would go on to become a recurring easter egg with in the show, something similar to that of “where’s waldo” but with horses. This practice would continue until episode 14 of season 2  where the character would have a set of spoken lines and would be addressed by name. This however resulted in a degree of controversy in which some people expressed concern that the presentation of the character was an offensive attempt at portraying people with mental or physical disabilities. This event resulted in the episode being altered in future airings and the character disappearing from the show for the vast majority of Season 3. Beyond Season 3 the character would continue to appear until season 5 where they would finally have a voiced role in the 100th episode of the show, and then eventually having another speaking role in the christmas special “The best gift ever.”  It is also worth noting that Hasbro never gave her an “official name” with almost all of Ditzy’s merchandise either having no name present, or more often than not a singular image of a muffin in place of a name, even going so far as to have “Muffins” be the credited name she was given in all voiced instances of the show. 

Muffins, Ditzy Doo, or Derpy Hooves isn’t the only case of background characters growing a large following of fans with in the show; a variety of characters have been swept up by the fans, given names and personalities built entirely out of bit gags. Lyra, Bon Bon, Vinyl Scratch, Octavia Melody, and who knows how many more have all been seen in background moments which would be built on by fans and then echo back into the staff to be integrated into the show further. One would say this is fanon but at the end of the day, the writers and show staff had very little more intent with the characters beyond “does this background character look good?” and “Does this bit part character stand out enough to automatically be recognizable for the bit they need to be doing” it is still what I believe to be an example of Death of The Author, an act of choosing to ignore the intended meaning,and giving what amounts to window dressings a full life as fleshed out characters in fan content and in small instances of the show; an interpretation separate from the writers original intent. 

Now the question is does someone need to actively defy the author to participate in The Death There-of? No. I don’t believe so.  In much the same fashion no one need actually be a clan member to inadvertently say or do something that's passive aggressively racist(yes a bit of an extreme, I know) one need not actively defy the author, merely ascribe to an alternate interpretation of a work of fiction. Refer to Fight Club, the film does everything it can with out directly stating “most of the people in Fight Club and later Project Mayhem are bad people, because they were already doing the things Tyler Durden was ascribing to” and almost unilaterally all the bad takes are built around this idea that they’ve achieved the perfect ideal masculine because they’re the “living in the moment, violent psychopath” nihilist the movie is actively condemning. 

The simple fact is that death of the author ultimately, in a grand scale amounts to this; did a writers intent show through hard enough for their intent to be heard? And Subjectively, how much does a person believe in the meaning that they, or the writer themself have imparted into the story? 

[ais-n]

Same anon as before x) I've started to reread the DC version book 1. I also stopped to compare the changes from the original website version. Was there a reasoning behind why you decided to cut out a lot of Hsin's interaction with the bar owner Jessica? Like his mutual physical interest in her and the kiss ect? Was it influenced in any way by fan opinions?

Hi again! <3 + :D

This is where I was like “Oh I bet I misunderstood that other question” lol Sorry again about that if I did, or sorry again if I didn’t and thought I did XD

Ok so for the purposes of lessening confusion (and yes, I am aware I am the sole reason it became so confusing haha) I’m going to take “original website version” to reference what we currently call “Original Evenfall” aka the pdf/ebook you can download for free at aisylum.com/project/icos. That is in comparison to the “edited” version aka Director’s Cut aka DC. So when I say original/DC that’s what I’m referencing. Hope that helps/isn’t confusing and makes sense.

With the whole DC edit, full disclosure: the whole reason that came about was 1) we felt like there were parts of the first book especially that definitely needed a lot of editing to flow better and make sense, but also 2) we had been discussing how it would be cool to eventually get them printed in book format somehow for physical copies. 

We agreed on this; what we had different views on was how to go about it. Me being wordy ass me, I thought we should just edit/add/whatever as made sense for the story, and pay zero attention to the word count itself. “Sonny” specifically went into it wanting us to cut a percentage of the word count in order to make it more of a “normal” sized book, which should help with physical publishing and maybe getting new readers, etc. I forget what ‘his’ goal was - I think the goal was to cut 33% of the word count out or something? 25%? I just remember I thought it was way too large a percentage because I’m wordy af lol

Anyway we split the book in half more or less and each of us was responsible for trying to cut things down as much as possible while maintaining the story etc. I ended up having most of Monterrey because I wanted to update Jorge and all that. But because of the way the story is written, things changed in the early part of the book would affect the way things were done in the later half of the book.

From what I recall, we both felt the Jessica parts were a bit over-dramatic at times and maybe detracted from the story. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say that when we had the book in context of the rest of DC editing, the way Jessica was handled stood out too much if it remained the Original Evenfall way in the midst of the DC editing. So that ended up getting changed a decent amount. I honestly can’t remember who changed it but it doesn’t really matter since ultimately no matter what one person changed, the other had to agree it was okay or they were okay enough with that change before we published it.

I think at the time we were trying to make things flow better, which meant lessening some of the drama which also affected a bit how Hsin interacted with people and how Boyd responded to those interactions. It’s possible that was the right choice, I don’t know.

But in retrospect, I’m not sure that the change did any favors for Boyd. His story always was very specifically built piece by piece to show why he reacts how he does at different points in the story. He was hella insecure and full of self-doubt and jealous and just emotional in general over the whole Jessica thing because of the way that was first written, and that built into why he does or doesn’t do certain things not only in the rest of Evenfall, but also into Afterimage and even Interludes. 

We were initially thinking that after we did Evenfall DC we would DC the rest of the books, so the thinking was we could smooth out some of those things in later books. But since those DC versions never happened, it just ends up making Boyd seem particularly melodramatic at times in later scenes, if a person hasn’t read the original and only read DC. Which then I think led into the way some readers viewed everything going on especially in Afterimage and Interludes. By the time Fade rolls around, it ends up mostly evening out and being pretty consistent across the board in how readers view things, but I think some of those changes in DC ended up being detrimental to the flow of the story in the context of only having one DC book instead of all 4 DC books flowing together using the same points of reference and building off those.

So, generally - we probably changed Jessica thinking that it made more sense at that time in context of the way the rest of the scenes were written, but that wasn’t thinking in terms of being in context of the way everything was written in later books. So now some things Hsin does or thinks later, or Boyd does or thinks later, or even other people do/think later, seem more melodramatic or odd than they need to be. I think we thought we were doing a good job of keeping the key points needed, and generally we did in terms of plot - like, Jessica As A Possible Rival is still a thing, but it’s less imminent of a feeling because Hsin’s reactions aren’t as intense or whatever as they had been the first time, which is like a little ripple going down the line affecting other things we didn’t realize.

In the end, I’m still glad we made the DC version - it’s super fun having a physical copy, and there are some parts of that version I like a lot, that didn’t show in the original version. New scenes we wrote, or characters we got to expand on. But because “Sonny” had gone into it specifically wanting a specific amount of words cut, we did also cut some scenes out in order to more meet that goal, or adjust the way some scenes were written. And then on top of that, just editing anything will affect the way other stuff is written in that book. Since Boyd especially as a narrator/person is so much built on cause and effect, action and consequence, I tried to keep the spirit of that intact in the DC version but I think I failed in some parts and didn’t realize it at the time or just was so tired of editing I was like “Fuck it; let’s just go with this... It will never be perfect, so this can be good enough.”

By the way, I’m not blaming “Sonny” for this or anything - I’m just mentioning the whole word count thing because it was a thing we didn’t really agree on, but it ended up becoming the shared goal because it was the easiest way to move forward, and because I thought maybe there was enough repetition in the narration it would end up being a moot point. I was all for editing and cutting out unnecessary stuff, I just got hung up on the idea of having to meet a quota for it. I just didn’t want that to be part of the goal; I just wanted the goal to be improving the story as a whole. 

But on the other hand, because we had that specific goal, we may have gone about editing a bit differently, like writing new scenes that combined plot points from other disparate scenes. And I like some of those new scenes a lot. So it probably works out in the end, it just means there’s a lot of give and take when comparing the two versions. 

Ultimately, it probably makes sense for someone who likes the series to read both versions, if they are up to it, to really get an idea of everything that was written as happening in canon, even though that canon at times is a bit opposed to each other between versions.

Which is probably a super confusing way of going about things and no doubt is a super confusing answer - but hopefully it made sense in some form ^^;

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

i would love to hear a s3 rant tbh

i started writing this a few months after s3 came out, because i needed that long to sort of soak up all the feelings and changes that came along with it. now i’m used to it enough that i don’t find myself thinking too hard about s3 when i get to it in rewatches–it’s a shift, but one i’m adjusted to. and now it’s premiere day for s4! so i’m finally done writing the rest of it. 

it is a shift, though, and i think that’s why so many of us in the fandom had mixed feelings about it–we still loved it, but we didn’t come away from s3 with the same lingering mood that we did after s2. for me, s3 was the first season that ended on a truly happy note. there was no heartbroken elena at her quinces, there was no distraught family hoping lydia would wake up.

s3 left pretty much all the characters in a good, hopeful place, so why did we find ourselves more inclined to pick it apart? why did it feel different, when all the individual character arcs and plot points were in the same world we love, and clearly handled with the same amount of effort and care as we expect?

the following giant analysis is my attempt to articulate an answer to that, as a fan who has watched the whole show….so many times. so many times, guys. just so much. i don’t even have a number anymore.

to give you an idea of what you’re in for, here’s the categories you’ll find behind the cut:

each season’s focus was different

brothers and other strangers

dr. b’s inclusion minimizing other relationships

schneider being more isolated from the family

schneider’s sobriety

schneider & avery

avery + other characters

penelope & mateo

misc other gripes

feel free to reply to this and/or send me asks, i spent way too long on it. :)

each season’s focus was different:

obviously, odaat is an ensemble show. every character gets moments of their own, and most have larger arcs. but because the show needs a focus, each season arguably belongs more to some of the characters than others.

the stars of s1 are penelope and elena.

penelope is our anchor to the family and the story, the one that everything else orbits around. we’re watching her live through the end of her marriage and become more settled in her new role as the primary parent to her kids. elena is figuring out who she is, then dealing with the fallout from sharing her truth with the people who matter to her. her quinces is the topic of debate in 1.01 and closes out the season in 1.13.

lydia steals scenes a lot, but she doesn’t really have a larger arc in s1. at the end of the season, she’s the same person she was at the beginning, just changed by her involvement in elena and penelope’s stories. same goes for alex–he has stories, but they’re a lot smaller and more contained. and schneider and leslie are only involved in the season because of their friendships with lydia and penelope, then in schneider’s case, his dynamic with alex later on.

the stars of s2 are penelope and lydia.

penelope goes back to school, has her first serious relationship post-divorce, and finally deals more seriously with her mental health struggles. lydia decides to become a u.s. citizen, struggles with her feelings toward leslie, and ends the season triumphant after a major health scare.

elena plays a major role in s2, but a lot of her story is a continuation from s1, with the return of victor and her first romantic relationship, and developments like her new job as a handyma’am are awesome but not the central focus of the season. alex gets to be the star of a few episodes, more than in s1, but they’re not really tied in to an overarching arc. his first job, his anti-immigrant bullying, and his time at the movies with penelope are all standalone plots.

schneider has a larger, more serious role in s2, going from ‘you guys are like family’ during quinces in s1 to ‘now, you’re my family’ to lydia in not yet. but he’s still on the outside, looking in. and leslie’s role remains one that supports penelope at work and lydia in friendship, rather than giving him his own plot.

the stars of s3 are alex and schneider.

in s3, penelope’s story is more settled, because so is she. her job is secure, her schoolwork is coming to a close, and her kids are growing up. she has a romance, but mateo is less important to her than max was, and the plot reflects that, with mateo barely around until penelope’s neglect of him becomes part of the joke. pen’s reacting to what’s going on around her more, whether that’s alex’s drug use or elena’s anxiety and secret hotel room or schneider’s sobriety.

that’s not a bad thing! justina kills it in every episode, penelope’s still funny and a tearjerker and strong as hell while flawed…but s3 is the first season that doesn’t completely revolve around her, storywise.

elena’s story is also more settled, on some levels. victor’s return gives her a much-deserved coda, evidence that her life couldn’t be neatly tied up in a bow after a year and that emotional scars do real damage. but even that plot, like her first time with syd and her driving lessons, are part of larger episodes involving other stories rather than the main focus of all of them. victor’s wedding, the finale episode, tries to move forward five of our six main characters, compared to elena’s quinces, which was almost exclusively her show.

lydia’s s3 plot includes her fabulous bouquet list, ideas about aging and motherhood and family. but she’s back to being a scene-stealer–even her bouquet list exists as a subplot in other people’s episodes.

having focused the most on the alvarez women in s1 and s2, the show finally gives alex more room to shine in s3, a development that surprised me but pleasantly so because it turns out that the more they give him to do, the better marcel is at it. s3 shows us an alex growing up, making dumb choices and learning from them, but also being there for his family in bigger and more mature ways, schneider included.

and schneider…gosh. schneider’s arc in s3 is so important that it’s the one they foreshadowed ominously before the season was even on netflix:

he did step into the spotlight as promised, and by the end of the season, he was a full-fledged canon member of the family. not that we needed them to tell us that, even if schneider did. :)

to start with, though, that’s part of why s3 feels different: because it is. the focus widens to different characters, and the ones we’re used to following more closely have more contained arcs.

brothers and other strangers

s3 also decided to introduce new family members. a LOT of new family members. and while they all added to the story, some fit in better than others. the funeral did this well, finally giving lydia’s estranged sister a face to go with the name, and giving us more of a glimpse at the big family penelope grew up around before the military and parenting narrowed her everyday focus.

but the show’s decision to anchor an episode on brothers gave us what felt like a lot of consistency issues. they explained pen’s sudden s3 brother, tito, by making his absence during lydia’s coma a topic of discussion. they couldn’t actually include a never before mentioned sibling for penelope without creating bigger confusion, though. it just wasn’t possible.

tito is apparently the older brother that lydia idolizes, but until 3.04 she’s never mentioned him in conversation once? when she’s in a coma reflecting on her family and how they’ll go on without her, her beloved son isn’t worth a mention? i can forgive the show for deciding to give pen a brother three years in, but i can’t pretend it wasn’t jarring when odaat treated her like an only child before that.

and this is a much smaller issue, but also in s3 suddenly syd has a younger brother? who is homeschooled too? when they were telling elena their only classmate was their chinchilla the year before? like i said, a relatively small thing but it still bugs me because it’s so random.

schneider now has sibling(s) too, apparently, but his comment about not being his father’s favorite child was the first time that came up, in three years of him talking about his parents and household staff and childhood stressors. i have so many questions. hopefully future seasons will clarify some things.

anyway, hermanos was a deeply confusing episode for me because tito came out of nowhere and schneider’s conversation with leslie, while lovely, was the first time we heard schneider (or anyone actually) label his relationship with penelope a sibling-ish one. it was clear during lydia’s coma that he considered lydia a friend who was also somewhat a maternal figure in his life, but it wasn’t until s3 that the show extended that dynamic, from ‘lydia is like his mom’ to ‘therefore he and pen are both her kids.’

i’ll get into this later, but i honestly think that was meant more to tie into the episode’s theme than because it was supposed to shift his friendship with penelope into new territory. we’re watching penelope deal with tito, and elena deal with alex, and schneider makes the one comment during an important scene with leslie. it’s still jarring though.

the very fact that schneider wasn’t with the family during their vacation felt like an inconsistency to a lot of us, whose two-seasons-worth of headcanons about schneider make ‘he secretly books the room next to theirs and crashes their vacation’ more believable than him staying home alone.

it was done in service to the season’s goals of adding tito to the mix and folding leslie in more, and both goals were accomplished…it just felt a little strange.

dr b’s greater inclusion minimizing other relationships

speaking of leslie, s3 for him was what s2 gave schneider–more ties to more characters, and the first real subplots we’ve seen him have about serious subjects. for good or bad, a lot of what stood out to me in s3 as different was related to the show making more room for leslie.

schneider not being with the alvarezes on their vacation, even though he’s at every family event including funerals now? penelope made it happen by ‘entrusting’ schneider with the care of her house(plant), but really it played out that way so we could see schneider and leslie bond.

elena’s driving lessons being handled by leslie? it’s fair enough that penelope isn’t the one doing it, since she’s busy and it stresses her out, but if you want me to believe that schneider wouldn’t have jumped at the opportunity, even with avery in his life now, you’re crazy. there’s no believable canon reason in s1 or s2 why leslie would be the one doing that, but it played out that way so we could see elena and leslie bond.

even alex gets to know leslie better because he’s more involved with elena, meaning that after s3 leslie finally has connections to the whole family (which schneider accomplished in s2 once he was mentoring elena in building repairs).

by the season finale, leslie is attending victor’s wedding, mistakenly butting in on elena’s time with her dad, and finally traveling to cuba with lydia while he shares his practice with penelope.

however you feel about s3 in general, the show had to change its usual dynamic in order to include leslie more in situations like driving lessons and weddings. it just wouldn’t have worked otherwise. for example, the funeral at the beginning of s3 doesn’t involve him at all, because why would it? unlike schneider, he hasn’t spent a ton of time bonding with the extended alvarez family prior to s3. he’s involved in big moments because he’s close to lydia or penelope.

s3 is the first time we really see him get involved in the story just on his own merits. and that required less schneider in family moments, which paired nicely with the season’s other visible difference.

schneider being more isolated from the family

the schneider we know and love from s2 would have offered to take over elena’s driving lessons as soon as he realized they were stressing pen out. he would have found an excuse to join them on vacation, and he would have been present when penelope realized elena was sneaking off to a hotel room with syd.

schneider prior to s3 was always around that way, witnessing threesome porn on alex’s laptop and picking up strangers at the airport for the quinces, making it easier for penelope to go to him when she needed advice or a hug. in s1, she may have started out getting his help as a last resort, but by late s2, she was often turning to him instead of her own family, or her support group. pen was reluctantly aware of his many hookups because she was at his apartment so much.

once avery’s in the picture, though, we see less of schneider in the family orbit, and it’s really not explained. penelope pulls him (literally) into alex’s drug storyline, but after that he’s mainly in other people’s storylines, like lydia wanting to teach penelope to cook, or alex spending too much on shoes.

even in anxiety, schneider’s status as penelope’s most trusted person is one scene in an episode that shows how she interacts with everyone in her life, rather than the climax of it–the way his time with her is in hello penelope.

beyond individual episodes, it’s the relationships that matter, and we just see a lot less of that with schneider and the family in s3. in s1 we saw him bonding with alex all the time, and in s2 schneider became more important to elena. but in s3…where is he?

alex goes to his apartment because penelope ordered him to, to get a lecture about reckless spending, and that’s the only one-on-one time we see them have before the laundry room in drinking and driving. are they still close? i’m assuming they are, because alex clearly still cares about him and vice versa, but whether it’s because alex is growing up or because schneider’s busier with his first real girlfriend, they’ve stopped hanging out.

i feel the same way about schneider and elena. her support of him when he relapses (how amazing is it that elena is the first alvarez to use the word ‘love’ with schneider, when he’s been closer to lydia and penelope longer? i adore one gay cuban teenager) makes it clear that he’s still important to her, but even her building maintenance seems to be done alone now. the only solo conversations they even have are at the funeral, in the very beginning of the season.

and while schneider and penelope remain friends in s3, the nature of their friendship has changed in a lot of ways. she’s at his apartment less, he’s at hers mostly when the whole family is around, and until his father’s visit they’re less close physically along with everything else.

schneider’s absence in big moments like elena learning to drive or smaller ones like a rare family vacation can be explained as storytelling choices, but they also make it easier to understand how he started drinking again, and how it was possible for him to keep it hidden (along with his avery breakup) before victor noticed.

when penelope went off her meds, schneider was the first person to confront her about her unusual behavior, but penelope doesn’t see the change in him until she’s looking for it. some of that is the show arguing that alcoholics are really good at covering their secrets up, but it also only works because though schneider is making appearances at meals and still involved with family, he’s around a lot less than he used to be.

schneider’s sobriety

deciding to dive into schneider’s sobriety was the defining choice of s3, in my opinion, that made it feel so different. if i had to pick just one, that would be it, because so much else spiderwebs out from it. 

finally seeing more of the world schneider comes from, in the arrival of his father? a major relapse trigger for him.

penelope telling him that choosing his father over his tenants means he’s not part of their family? seemingly the last thing she said to him before he drank.

his inclusion in the alvarez family museum? a way to show how his sobriety is the most impressive work he’s done in his whole life. 

penelope (and the rest of the family, but especially penelope, once they’re alone) doing whatever they can to support him and convince him to keep fighting? the clearest sign we’ve had in three season of how important schneider really is to them.

it’s an amazing story arc for him, and as much as it hurts to watch, i love it. 

but boy does it make season three a change from the first two.

after first setting up how proud of him dr b. and lydia are (the closest thing he has to loving parents) for his years of sobriety, we then see him tempted to drink thanks to his father’s actions and just general presence. 

but because of how the show handles the reveal, we actually don’t know for sure that he’s drinking again until penelope and lydia confirm it. we can be rightly suspicious–i saw that the dangling tag was no longer on the bottle when he placed it on his coffee table, and assumed then that he’d already opened it–but we can’t know.

which means that for the first time, just like penelope, we don’t know if we can trust schneider. schneider! who has wanted nothing more than to earn and keep the family’s trust this whole time. 

it’s so unsettling. as is his visible unraveling once he realizes he’s been caught. 

and the thing is, that we’ve seen this before, just like penelope has lived it before–the worst of her fights and fear with victor happened offscreen, but when he comes back we see him lie to her, try to convince her he can handle his own problems and she should leave it alone. 

but that…that was season one. that was victor, who moved in and out of the picture often in really hurtful ways, and who we weren’t encouraged to get attached to. 

schneider is lovable, and loving, and present. and yet in season three, he also becomes a version of himself who is reactive, and dishonest, and will do whatever it takes to avoid being confronted about his relapse. including trying to hurt and push away the people he loves most.

i think part of why his relapse is so effective as an arc is because it’s as hard for the viewers to expect such a sharp turn from the sweet, laid-back guy we met in s1 as it is for penelope and her family. but that’s also why s3 leaves us shaken.

schneider & avery

oh gosh, schneider and avery. i’ve talked about them a lot before, so i’ll just say here that they brought her in with great potential, then let her stay so far on the sidelines of the show after the valentine’s day episode that it became impossible to know who she was anymore, what role she played in his life, and what their future could possibly look like now that they were reunited at the wedding. 

is she the gorgeous nerdy artist who has just enough in common with him to be a good fit long-term? is she rich and more suited to the world he comes from? is she uninterested in his life outside of what they do for fun together, so that she’ll never get to know his chosen family at all?

it seemed to change each time we saw her, and by the end of her involvement in schneider’s s3 storyline, we didn’t even know what had broken them up before we were supposed to be rooting for them to get back together. 

my theory continues to be that the people making the show were blinded by the impossible cuteness of real life marrieds todd and india, and forgot to make sure their plot threads on the show made sense. 

because avery was never going to get a ton of screen time, she was a minor character–but revolving any part of his story around her kind of gave the show a duty to at least give us a clue of what the heck was going on.

avery + other characters

my other major complaint about avery (who i genuinely adored, at least for her first couple of episodes! my liveblog of her existence in s3 is just a lot of flailing about her being so freaking cute) is that the show keeps her in a totally unprecedented bubble.

penelope’s love interests? always interact with her family. whether it’s ben getting a text from lydia, because he wasn’t around long enough for more, mateo joining an unexpected party, or max spending whatever time he could at her house…we always got to know how her guys related to her family, and that helped us understand them and the relationships better. 

syd of course spends a ton of time around elena’s family, and we’re going to see alex’s girlfriend meet the family this season. you could argue that those comparisons are different because schneider’s not one of them, his storylines are less central than say, penelope’s are–and that’s true. but even dr. b’s girlfriend got a long bathroom scene with lydia and we see/know much less about leslie than we do schneider. 

mostly though, this bugs me because avery clearly spends time in their home! she’s there for valentine’s day, and penelope also tells schneider to invite her during ‘the man.’ and she works at the kids’ school, so she’s in their orbit on another level. penelope is able to get in touch with her and find out they broke up.

and yet, the first real love interest for schneider that could be a healthy and serious relationship…and onscreen, lydia never meets her. doesn’t try to figure out if she’s good enough for the adopted son lydia has been encouraging to find love for three years. they never interact. 

elena, who developed a serious interest in alex’s love life and a taste for gossip in season one, appears to have no interest in the woman schneider’s seeing. alex, i could understand not caring, because he’s generally happier caring about what directly affects him and what he can do to help others…if schneider’s happy, i get why he might stay out of it. 

but it just sort of grates on me that none of the women in schneider’s family have a conversation with avery onscreen, beyond the moment when penelope is trying to kick her and schneider out and she pushes back. if avery is in a scene, she’s talking to and focused on schneider, or nikki, or schneider’s father. none of the family. is that because she doesn’t feel like she has to make an effort to know them? or because the show just wasn’t thinking about that? even though we see it with every other love interest brought into the house?

i mean, when you pay attention to that, then of course we don’t have a clear sense of who she is! how can we when there’s no reason to believe that anyone who cares about schneider does either? 

penelope & mateo

penelope’s relationship with mateo puzzles me almost as much as schneider and avery–and in some ways, even more. we see their friendship first, we watch them deny interest in more than that with each other. then penelope pushes the issue and they do decide to date, but just like with avery, the show doesn’t have a lot of screentime to offer him. 

so what we know about her new boyfriend is that they have some things in common that she really values but maybe too much in common to avoid fighting about it–and then we barely see him again, learning mainly through his absence that she’s just not that into him, until eventually they break up because it turns out he was more into his ex than her anyway.

there’s a karmic sort of humor in that for penelope, but for me it left mateo feeling like a waste of a love interest. we really didn’t get to enjoy their relationship much, especially if they wanted us to miss it when it was gone…so was it worth the time they spent setting it up in the first place? 

for me the answer to that was no. especially since as her ‘longtime’ school volunteer buddy, we’d never seen him before. and i feel like it’s not likely we’ll see him again.

penelope & schneider

this is a frustrating one for me because while i have complaints about these two and their relationship in s3 it was also AMAZING and i LOVED it. both are true.

the confusing part is that their dynamic is inconsistent in s3. think some of that is because the show is trying to do so much at once. fully bring schneider into the family, focus their romantic lives on other people, deepen their bond, deny the possibility of a romance between them, keep them each other’s person.

in s1 they’re landlord and tenant but also becoming real friends. in s2 they’re best friends and he’s a honorary part of the family now (though still an outsider). 

but in s3 he’s established clearly as her best friend and most trusted person, a guy who’s become deeply important to her and her whole family–so much so that after his relapse, they come together to support him much like they all did lydia in s2. 

but penelope treats him dramatically differently from moment to moment and episode to episode in s3. like an annoying brother when he’s getting cooking lessons from her mom, like a life partner when alex’s behavior has her angry and scared, like a bff when she’s considering dating mateo, and even a little like a flirting companion at the wedding.

it’s not completely unprecedented for their dynamic to have multiple layers. his relationship with lydia is complicated too. in past seasons, he flirted with both penelope and her mom–while they also laughed at victor calling them a couple and he told comatose lydia how important her mothering was to him. 

but they lean harder into it during lydia’s cooking lessons, while still hitting the beats hard of ‘are you sure you’re not dating?’ during penelope’s support group and schneider’s dad’s visit. the contrasting takes on their friendship is just a lot of whiplash in a single season.

another thing about s3 that’s different is the kinds of physical contact between penelope and schneider. you might not notice unless you’re looking for it, but penelope actually touches schneider more than he does her. lightly, casually, briefly. she makes contact in a friendly, familiar way all the time. schneider is more likely to touch her when it’s important, in big moments, as though he knows that she trusts him and welcomes him in her space but he doesn’t want to abuse the privilege.

i studied it for making gifsets, and she touches him more every season. and while he touches her a lot more in s2 than in s1, s3 is actually about the same amount. penelope grew visibly closer to him this season, but he held himself back from getting any more familiar. he was also the only one of the two of them who compared her to blood family. for now,it’s really up to interpretation if there’s a deeper reasoning behind that.

for both of them, though, more than half of the physical contact they make in s3 happens in just two episodes, both towards the end of the season. not only does schneider’s father’s visit and his relapse bring them closer together, literally and physically, but the season up until that point has them further apart. 

they spend time together stalking alex, or with schneider talking her down from her panic, but the casual dinners are less, and she’s going to him less for advice–which means there are less small touches, less moments where schneider sits her down on his couch or she nudges him affectionately. 

that makes it all the more intense when they do connect, with penelope holding his hand and them hugging twice all within the same few minutes. and then after his relapse, their conversation alone in the apartment is so tense and so much more separate than they usually are.

the last time she touched him was in the man, the most open and complimentary she’s ever been, and look what happened. this isn’t the man she knows and loves, she needs to reach her best friend who’s still in there somewhere under all the pain and self-loathing, but she tries to do so with honesty first, with bluntness, with tough love, with listening kindly but not without pushing back, and finally with his place in her family–as a role model for the kids. 

only once he’s agreeing with her about the course of action and just doubting his ability to survive it does she reach out. once he’s himself again. and then she’s more there for him physically than she ever has been before. this is a new level of intimacy between them, schneider letting her in rather than excusing himself during tough times, her giving rather than just taking support, her being his silent rock the way he always is hers.

it’s just different than the previous seasons, between them. the problem is that while you’re watching it, it’s hard to pin down what message about their relationship the show is trying to send, since they touch less but more deliberately, and they’re family but not in a way that has well-defined boundaries.

misc other gripes

elena’s world shrinking

as of s3, what exactly is elena’s life outside of syd and anxiety? don’t get me wrong, i love her relationship with syd, and the anxiety plot was good–driving lessons too, which were tied to the anxiety somewhat. 

but if we’re pulling back to look at the bigger picture, elena in season one was a lonely club leader, figuring out her identity, and navigating disagreements with her family. 

elena in season two was experiencing her first relationship, finding her first group of geeky friends to hang out with irl, confronting the fallout of victor’s behavior in s1, and continuing her academic hard work while also adding lots of political engagement.

in comparison, elena in season three exchanges ‘i love yous’ and has sex for the first time, as well as makes up with syd after their first fight. she learns she has anxiety and gets her driver’s license and continues to heal her relationship with victor, but…she has no friends anymore? no mention of josh or carmen or any of the echo park gamers? and she’s studying for testing, it seemed like, but she’s not in clubs anymore or volunteering or protesting? her whole world outside her family isn’t really syd, is it?? because i know first love is amazing, but that’s not healthy.

i said up there that less of the story belongs to elena after s1, and this is a large part of why i feel that way. the show treats her like some of her bigger arcs are settling down, rather than expanding, giving her subplots instead and making room for the other characters. it’s weird to watch though when just a quick comment here and there would have implied that she still spends time with friends or fellow social justice warriors.

lydia’s humor goes dark

when it comes to lydia, season one includes some jokes about her ending up in a home–or to be more specific, the fact that she never will. her comedy in season two revolves a lot around her identity, with her decision to become a citizen. 

and then, we go into season three after her coma. though she appears to be in good health, the family is still worried, and elena especially tries to protect her from herself.

whether it’s specifically related to her near-death experience or not, season three involves way more death jokes. things like lydia looking up, and inviting god to reunite her with her husband ‘berto, i am ready,’ she says, then sort of shrugs when death doesn’t arrive. 

it’s not unfunny…but it’s a different kind of humor. i can’t say i enjoyed the edge to it, probably because i was elena’s age when my grandmother died, and she was also a deeply religious woman who was awaiting her invitation to heaven. 

alex also has no friends anymore? does he still play baseball?

the way that s3 gives alex so much more to do, storywise, is awesome. but just like elena, his world seems to have gotten smaller in terms of socializing. we hear about his girlfriend but don’t meet her, and we never see him interact with friends, either–besides things like instagram. 

this one’s really a minor complaint because he has whole important storylines in s3 and at least the show does imply he still has friends…but it’s a little odd for the most popular alvarez teen to spend more time chatting with dr. berkowitz than any friends his own age. especially when he used to be so involved in baseball that we at least saw his teammates. 

it’s not clear to me if season three just didn’t overlap with sports season for him this time around, or if he gave baseball up–but if it were the latter, you’d think they would mention that.

scott came back but not lori

i honestly don’t know which of the show’s casting choices are influenced by availability and which are choices they make for plots they want–other than carmen leaving, because i know ariela went to another show.

but while lori hasn’t been around since season one, scott went missing after the second episode of season two…and then appeared in the second episode of season three before never showing up in the rest of the season. 

there’s no continuity problem with this or anything–i just don’t like scott and wish that if they were only going to keep one of pen’s coworkers, it would’ve been lori. i know that wouldn’t have let him do what they were able to with scott. but still.

max came back why?

i like max, for the record. he’s been my favorite of all penelope’s love interests so far, and i felt bad for them both when they broke up. but in terms of the finale, it felt really jarring the way they included his little appearance. 

in that one scene, the show managed to remind us that they truly loved each other, genuinely supported and cared for each other, had common background and went back a long time as friends–and that out of all the men penelope had been with, he was the one she was still hurting over.

and then he left, as easily as he appeared. 

besides reminding us that her major relationship in s2 was with max, what did that scene accomplish? it didn’t feel like closure, because it didn’t add anything to their original breakup. but it also didn’t change anything about how they ended–he remained someone she wasn’t going to be with, even though they loved each other a lot. 

the only explanation i can think of is that the show wanted to work with the actor again. because if their goal was to confirm that yes, she and max really were great together even though she wasn’t going to be with him…we didn’t need more confirmation of that. we got the message in s2. ed quinn is great though.

[magioftheseas]

Chiaki & Yasuke

Summary: Nanami Chiaki’s FTEs in the SDR2 Protagonist Matsuda Yasuke AU. Yep. They’re almost completely different from canon.

Rating: PG

Warnings: Language and references to gore/hospital stuff because Matsuda.

Notes: I was just super into the mood to write more FTEs and I went for Nanami since her relationship with Matsuda is fun. It’s also one I noticed the most people (about three) voicing interest in. It’s pretty drastically different but I still tried to make them parallel the original somewhat. Do the two of them actually get closer? Well, I won’t give you the answer so easily. Anyway Nanami talks like a House of Dead 2 character. She does.

Read this fic among others HERE

Main story is HERE

Commission? Donate?

Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, start.

Matsuda woke to the sound of furious button presses. The hotel air was as stale as ever. His neck fucking hurt from how he had slouched against the couch. At the very least, his manga had been carefully set down on the table, but he nevertheless found himself irritated at how he just fell asleep while reading.

Just because I got tired of my cottage. The hell was I thinking?

And that creepy otaku was happily booping away on the tabletop game. Although Matsuda was pretty damn sure the lobby had been empty when he entered. He’s sure because when he goes out, he goes out of his way to avoid people if he can help it.

And yet, the gamer chick is here. When he’s sure she has a million other things to do. How irritating.

Huffing, Matsuda pushed himself up. His neck throbbed and creaked and he groaned loudly as he tried to adjust it. He might need a neck pillow or something. Anything.

“Ugh. How annoying,” he mutters, grabbing his book. “I wasted all that time on a shitty nap. I doubt my brain flushed out the chemicals properly. No, I’m sure it didn’t. Great.”

Stretching doesn’t alleviate the aching of his joints, but he’s ready to head out regardless. He pops his lips as he starts with his best foot forward, only for someone to call out.

“Hey, why don’t you play a game with me before you go?”

Matsuda paused, turning to Nanami with a withered, unimpressed look.

“Just one,” she said, not looking at him but at the stupid fucking screen. “Or two. Or three. Or four. Maybe more.”

The fuck? Oh. The hell kind of bizarro world is this?

He thinks that, he thinks that, but he throws his hands up in preemptive defeat.

“Sure. Fine. Why the hell not.”

And that was the start of it. As well as the select, the downs, the ups, and the game.

--

The losing screen flashes in his face. He’s not surprised at it. He wasn’t surprised the first time.

“Another round,” Nanami droned at him. “You didn’t even try in that last one, Matsuda-kun.”

“What do you mean? My strategy of just pressing random buttons hasn’t changed a bit,” he pointed out. “I don’t have the time or brain space to learn the technicalities of this cheap-ass fighter game. Especially when the characters are all so ugly.”

“You consistently pick the same one,” she replied. “If it didn’t matter at all, you’d change things up a little.”

Matsuda stares darkly at the character in question as if it had betrayed him. What met his glare was an annoying innocent smile obscured by strings of red.

“I guess this fugly speaks to me on some level. Not that I’m remotely interested in what it has to say.” He selects them just as before. “Whatever. If you’re that fucking bored, then I guess I’ll pick the stage. Although does it really matter? They’re just different backdrops.”

“It helps with atmosphere, I think.”

You think. Games are supposed to be your fucking forte.

He ended up selecting the gothic horror-styled one. Not for any particular reason beyond it feeling right at the time. He immediately started his losing strategy of random button mashing, and while he got a few hits in due to unpredictability, Nanami Chiaki was perfectly capable of wiping the floor with him. To call it one-sided would be generous.

Another defeat. Another loss. Another smug winning animation of Nanami’s character, cheering and prancing around like a fucking deer.

He pressed start to skip through, but the screen lingered as the other player hadn’t done the same. So he waited because whatever, almost drifted off, and snapped back to attention when Nanami was the one who yawned.

“Am I boring you?” he asked, huffing. “What did you expect? Obviously, I’m not a match against you. This is your field, not mine. Or was this part of a sad attempt at psychoanalysis?”

“Um...” Nanami rubbed at her eye. “I do love games. I love playing games. And playing games with others is fun. It’s fun even with it’s with you.”

Even when it’s you. He wonders if he should be flattered. Ultimately, he doesn’t really care. He shrugs.

“Games are as good as a recreational activity as any, I suppose,” he mumbled. “But still between games and manga, the manga is the obvious victor for me. I’d rather not have to use my head unnecessarily when it comes to entertainment.”

“Unnecessarily?” Nanami parrots.

“Because gaming requires an engagement unlike any other,” Matsuda explained, perhaps a bit snappier than needed. “It’s interactive. The game cannot proceed without a player. It’s more...versatile, I suppose? That’s the main appeal of it, and I definitely see the value there, but, still.” He shook his head. “Not for me.”

“So that’s why you’re not really engaging,” Nanami muttered, puffing her cheeks. “Not really, I think.”

“If I asked you to go reading with me, you’d definitely fall asleep before finishing a chapter.” He paused for a moment, mulling that over. “But I guess maybe you’d put more of a show at participating.”

“Maybe. Books are okay. I guess.”

Matsuda twitched a little.

“Video games are okay. I guess.”

“But video games encapsulate all kinds of experiences,” Nanami said. “So I think you’re being a bit close-minded. There’s surely a game out there that speaks clearly to Matsuda-kun’s interests. Maybe we should give that a try.”

Matsuda perked. Nanami had clicked start so that the screen could change, but her gaze was more intense than before. Matsuda couldn’t help but let out a snort.

“I don’t doubt that, but I’m still not exactly interested in playing through it.” He waved his hand. “I’d rather watch someone else play.”

“I guess I can play it, then?” Nanami’s head tilted. “I guess we’ll both have fun that way. I think so, anyway. So, let’s go find that game. Um. There are simulations of surgeries.” Matsuda remembered those. He remembered those well.

I’ve actually played through those for training. It’s meant to ease you into the idea of cutting open a real person, but it doesn’t fully capture that. Doesn’t capture the feel of pulsing at your fingertips, the weight of that person’s mind and life on your shoulders. How a person can twitch and break if poked the wrong way.

And with all that in mind, he was really, incredibly, exhausted.

“Not right now. I’m going back to take an actual fucking nap.” He stands, and he does a half-assed salute. “Sayonara, bye-bye.”

“Later, then?” Nanami asked. She didn’t even sound hopeful. It was cold and robotic, like a coworker after a long, long day. It lowkey pissed him off, so he didn’t even respond.

--

“Ohhhh, it’s Matsuda-kuuuuun.”

“It’s meeeee.” Matsuda waved his hand dully. “I didn’t have anything better to do so here I aaaaaam.”

“Yaaaaay,” Nanami droned with no mirth whatsoever. “So, let’s go to my cottage, then. I dug around through my games and I found stuff that aligns with Matsuda-kun’s interests, I think. I also asked Usamonomi for other stuff.”

“You can just ask the rabbit for shit like that?” he asked, blinking. “Well, shit. I should’ve been taking advantage of that a long time ago. I could’ve cut down on time spent within the proximity of other people.”

Nanami blinks back at him. She already looks bored. And tired. What a mood.

“Were you serious about finding a game I’d like?”

“Absolutely,” she answered immediately with quite the serious expression. “Games are everything. If you can’t find a game you enjoy, what are you even doing with your life?”

“Other things.”

“Come on,” Nanami insisted. “I will drag you if I have to. Probably.”

I don’t want to go but having someone remark on the weird gaming otaku trying to shove me around isn’t exactly my idea of a better time. The best time would be reading manga. And not going crazy due to a lack of being able to work. God.

“Okay. Sure.”

He could only shrug his shoulders and move on along. And make faces at Nanami’s back all the while.

They got to her cottage easily, and Nanami was even walking a bit faster than usual to make the trip shorter. She had to dig around for her key, but it was only a minute before she unlocked the door and beckoned him within her gaming domain. Matsuda, unaffected as ever, just muttered platitudes as he followed in after her.

“Please excuse me.”

He scowled as he had to step over several cables and nearly flipped over the rug that happened to be the same shape as the hair clip Nanami wore. How obsessive was this chick? Even he didn’t have a specially designed rug. And the shape was impractical, too, it pissed him off.

God, what would life be without such useless luxuries, indeed.

“Ba, ba, baaa,” Nanami droned in a poor non-attempt to drill up anticipation. Before Matsuda could ask, she had shoved one of the handheld consoles into his face. It was pearly pink and well-worn, and also flicked on with the screen blinding. Squinting, Matsuda first heard the steady, synthesized heartbeat before he saw something pulsing in the depths of painfully light cyan blue. On closer inspection it was a heart, tubes and all. How quaint.

His eyes flickered over the title printed on the screen, and he exhaled.

“Yeah. That’s a video game alright.”

“You can play it,” Nanami said. “Or you can watch me play it. I guess.”

“I’ll watch you.”

“Okay.”

Nanami plopped onto the ground. She patted the spot beside her but Matsuda elected to just keep standing. He had no interest in getting overly cozy, that just...made him feel uncomfortable.

This chick in general makes me feel uncomfortable.

And she had already started the game. She was utterly fixated on the screen immediately, even when all she was doing was scrolling through dialogue and watching inane cutscenes. The music droned on, and Matsuda wondered if Nanami would notice him just leaving.

Tempting idea. But if I’m going to waste my time here, I better fucking commit.

He noticed that she used a stylus to navigate the various screens. It was definitely old, but in good shape. Hadn’t even been gnawed on the way most of Matsuda’s pens had been. If anything, Nanami had no idling or ticks as she played. It was as if every atom of her being couldn’t focus on anything else.

Creepy.

Really creepy. Totally inhuman. She’s not even blinking.

“Your eyesight’s going to go out,” he muttered under his breath. But she had started the stage, and Matsuda could only stare at the digitized rendition of a patient on the surgical table. Nanami drew the lines with her stylus, and the ‘skin’ split open, revealing the pulsing masses underneath.

There was music ticking, blaring and frantic. It annoyed him. If any music played during surgery, it was almost always classical. Fucking classical. It’s like he was back watching during his internship. He had been fascinated back then, watching how the body pulsed with life in spite of being cut open. The thrill of a person’s warmth when their inner intricacies were in his hands. The throbbing and spasming of those insides...and Matsuda only snapped out of it when the stage was cleared and triumphant music played.

And Nanami was looking up at him, bright-eyed and expectant. She offered him the game.

He shook his head. He felt twitchy all over. Anxious. Here he was, wasting his fucking time on this. There weren’t even any lives on the line. No excitement at all. He wouldn’t even learn anything. A simulation had nothing on the hands-on experience he used to be so familiar with.

And if I’m here for so long that I forget how to rewire a person...what will I do?

“It’s nothing like the real thing. It doesn’t even make the slightest difference.”

“Matsuda-kun?”

He leaves without another word.

--

He looks through the files in his cottage of weird animal-dressed people, and even mulling over them and trying to act like he’s working isn’t the most satisfying of activities. So, he heads out, reading his manga as he does, and sometimes irritably shielding himself from the sun. It’s painfully bright regardless of what he does, so he ends up in the hotel lobby once again.

And Nanami Chiaki is sleeping on his favorite spot, her handheld placed gently aside. She doesn’t sleep with any grace and is muttering about flying pigs and evil octopi. Matsuda shuts his manga irritably and he nudges her arm dangling over the side with the tip of his slipper. Nanami mutters something incoherent in between weird humming that may or may not have resembled classical music, and Matsuda smacks her head none-too-lightly with his book.

“Oi. If you’re going to sleep, do so in your fucking cottage not out here in the open. Do you have any self-preservation at all?” He smacks her again. “This is also bad for your back. And you already slouch so much. Geez.”

“Mm. The one who orders us. Cannot be negotiated with. Do not call.”

“What weird game are you playing in your head now?”

Nanami’s face scrunched up briefly. And quickly. Almost too quick to observe. Her eyes drifted open lethargically, wide and blank. Slowly, she pushed herself up, and there was only recognition in her dull gaze as she blinked at him.

“Matsuda-kun.”

What the hell was that about? Ah.

“Morning,” he greeted, not that curious. “Do you ever go anywhere else? Shut-in.”

“Mm,” Nanami mumbled, rubbing her eye with a yawn. “I feel most comfortable with games, but I suppose I should go to other places, too. Do you have any ideas, Matsuda-kun?”

“I don’t care. Anywhere should work.”

Her cheeks puffed, clearly displeased with the answer but Matsuda didn’t care enough to take it back.

“Is it that you’re getting bored of games or that you feel like there should be more to life? It’s none of my concern either way, but if you’re going to bother me about such nonsense, the least you can do is be clear about your motivations.”

Nanami stared at him, and after a while, her head tilted.

“It’s because you’re so difficult.”

Matsuda raised an eyebrow. “Huh?”

“Out of everyone here, Matsuda-kun is the most difficult,” she said simply, tugging up her hood. “At least, I think so.”

“That’s...a pretty fucking lofty claim, considering.” He said that, but in all honesty, he’s not that shocked. People have been calling him difficult all his life even amongst others with objectively worse traits. He’s used to this kind of bullshit.

It’s still annoying as fuck, though.

“That’s also not much of an explanation,” he pointed out. “Why the hell am I a factor in how you spend your free time? You don’t have to pay me mind.”

Nanami’s expression didn’t change, but he wondered if he imagined a shadow flickering across her gaze for the slightest moment.

“I spend a lot of time playing games, and I love games.” A pause. “Of course, games are about having fun. But there are other good things you can get out of it, too. Like, a greater understanding of yourself and the world around you.”

“That’s what it means to be art,” Matsuda replied dully. “So, what? What does this have to do with me specifically?”

“There’s a particular genre I have trouble with, I guess,” Nanami said, although she seemed kind of lost in thought about it. “It’s a genre that hinges on understanding others. Other, um, living people I think.”

Living people? The hell is up with that signifier? Is she actually a zombie?

He couldn’t ponder that further because Nanami was now pointing at him.

“And you, Matsuda-kun, are the most difficult person. So, I think I want to understand through you.”

“What a normal thing to say. And do.” Matsuda twitched. “It’s not my fucking responsibility if you have a social disorder.”

Although I wonder if that’s what it is. But it doesn’t matter. This doesn’t involve me.

“When I invited you to play games, I thought playing something that pertained to your interests would get you to open up,” Nanami explained next. “But you didn’t. You just got upset. Why?”

Ah. Okay. That’s a curiosity I can entertain.

“It’s because you assumed that my field is meant to entertainment.” He didn’t look at her, but he wasn’t going to run away. “I got into medicine and neurology out of necessity and purpose, not because I thought it’d be fun. Yes, it can be enjoyable but that’s such a selfish and stupid fucking way to look at it. Even the fucking narcissists don’t care about that.”

It’s about control. The control needed to save a person’s life.

“Narcissists?” Nanami parroted.

“Never mind. What I should be saying is that if you wanted to pick a game I’d enjoy; you should have picked something with magical girls.”

She perked up. “Oh, so Monomi.”

“Something a little more dignified would be preferred, but yeah. I guess. I can’t say I’m that rabbit’s biggest fan.”

If not for her shitty timing and shittier competence level, I’d at least tolerate her, I suppose.

“Um. So.” Humming, Nanami bounced on her heels, likely to keep herself awake. “What’s something that Matsuda-kun enjoys that I can take part in?” She looks at her book. “I can read with you, I guess? That’s sort of like co-op.”

“It’s nothing like co-op,” he snapped. “And I’d rather not have your creepy dead fish eyes staring holes over my shoulder.”

“I’m not a fish. I think. Fish can sleep underwater. And I’d drown if I tried that. Probably. But maybe I could survive if I collected enough bubbles.”

Matsuda stared at her for a long, long time. 

“How about I look for a second copy of this book and you can read along or something?”

“Oh, I guess that’s also an option, huh.”

And such was what they went with. And so, Matsuda’s frustration and confusion with the one called Nanami Chiaki increased. But off to the library, all the same.

--

“Matsuda-kun, Matsuda-kun.”

Nanami was the one who waved him over, although she hardly looked happy to be doing so. Neutrality as always. It seriously weirded him out.

“Let’s go somewhere again,” she said. “Where would you like to be?”

“A...hospital. With patients. Where I’d be working. Obviously.”

Nanami frowned at him, perhaps a little put out. He couldn’t really tell. Maybe she was actually judging him or something. Considering how much time this chick spent on luxury activities, he wondered if she had any concept of work.

Then again, she doesn’t understand much. Isn’t she pestering me in the first place because of a game?

“That game you’re using me to get good at...it’s not unsavory, is it?”

“Unsavory?” Nanami parroted, like she wasn’t sure what the word meant. He shuddered a bit at the implication of such a scenario. “I do want to understand other people. That’s important, right?”

“I guess. But normally a person’s intention would be social climbing.”

“Like gaining social links?” Nanami seemed to think that over. “Well, there are benefits to that. New abilities. Matsuda-kun would grant greater precision. The ability to better aim. Sharp Precision. That’s what it’d be called.”

She’s now talking through me rather than at me. Fucking rude.

“Right. Precision granted, then. Good-bye.”

He turns on his heel and walks away. It’s not all that dramatic, because Nanami just trots after him without missing a beat. One might compare it to being followed by something cute, like a puppy, a kitten, or a duckling. Matsuda felt it more akin to the security cameras.

“That’s not how it works,” Nanami finally spoke after they walked a good distance across the island. “I feel like concluding here would be a bad ending, I’m sure of it.”

Bad ending? So like...a dating sim route?

Gross.

“Alright. So, a question.” He distracted himself with one of the monitors. And one of the cameras. What he’d give for a rock to break both of them. “You’re pretty good at games, right?”

“Mm?”

“Like, it’s your talent. You must be really fucking absurdly good at games.” He still didn’t look at her. “How much do you think I’d have to mess with your head to make you bad at them?” A pause. “One practice during open brain surgery is having the patient playing a game while you poke around. If they go from doing really well to really poorly, you have an idea that you’re doing something wrong. So how about it?” He glanced back. “Wanna test that?”

Nanami didn’t look disturbed. She didn’t even look displeased. She did, however, visibly size him up and shook her head.

“Even if I was bad at games, I’m sure I’d still enjoy them. It’s not about winning or losing, after all.”

That’s...absolutely not what you should be concerned about. Creepy. So fucking creepy. She has the sense to not go for it, but seriously?

If I lost my capabilities for even a moment, I don’t know what I’d fucking do with myself. If I couldn’t focus on something that important, what would I even be living for?

“Oh.” Nanami sighed. “Matsuda-kun looks upset again. At this rate, I’ll never get a good ending.”

Gross. Gross, gross, gross.

“Life doesn’t have any endings,” he bit out. “There’s also no milestones, not really. No plot points. Certainly no impeccable strategy. Don’t you get that?”

She blinked at him. Once. Twice.

“Mm.” She shrugs. “Matsuda-kun, I have a magical girl game we can play together. It’s a fighter. The combos are really simple. I think you’d enjoy it.”

“It’s always about games with you, isn’t it?” He rolled his eyes. “Look. The second we get off this island, I’m going to throw my everything back into work. There’s no point in building a relationship that’s just going to fall apart. Especially when the person you’re looking to build it with is as difficult as I am.”

Nanami blinked at him again. This time, she was quiet.

“I’m going back,” he said, rubbing at his nape. “Thanks for joining me on the walk, but no thanks to your weird, detached advances.”

“It’s because I want to understand you, Matsuda-kun,” she replied simply. “Because it’s difficult for me, too. I think.”

Is it? Is it really?

No matter how he looked at it, it was a fucking weird sentiment to express. It wasn’t normal. Not at all. Nanami Chiaki wasn’t remotely normal.

I actually...do kind of want to split her head open and get a look for what’s inside.

But he can’t really do that, so for now he just brushes her off.

“I’d rather just not be bothered.”

“Hmmm. Well,” Nanami hummed, shrugging as well. “Maybe you’re tired? I’ll talk to you later, Matsuda-kun.”

This time, she’s the one to walk away. Like it’s that simple.

How exhausting.

--

He’s lying on bed, manga draped over his face and hands laced behind his head. He’s decently close to being asleep, but there’s a knock on his door. Pulling the manga off and setting aside, he groaned loudly.

“Leave a message.”

And then, he heard someone stuffing just that under his door. Pushing himself up, Matsuda stared at the folded-up paper now on his floor. Sighing, he went and retrieved it. The handwriting was surprisingly neat.

Matsuda-kun,

Hang out with me?

He had half a mind to crumble it up, but instead he just opened the door. Sure enough, she was still there.

“I hear letters can be a good starting block,” Nanami said simply. Like it was just common knowledge. “So they really are effective, huh.”

“Did you just have this on you?” Matsuda shook his head. “Don’t actually answer that. I don’t want to know. What I will ask is why you’re bothering me. Again.”

“I’ve hung out with other people,” she responded, head tilted. “And I think I learned a bit about human interaction. But, Matsuda-kun is still the most difficult. I think.”

“Mmgh.” She really is an odd one, isn’t she? That said. “You really think we can get along, huh? I don’t remotely understand how but to be honest, I don’t understand how you think at all. Sure I can’t cut open your head?” He snorted. “Kidding.”

Nanami’s expression still didn’t change. He still couldn’t get a read on her.

“Walk with me, Matsuda-kun?”

“Alright. Sure. Whatever.”

There wasn’t any point either way, so he figured he might as well. It wasn’t often someone sought him out willingly, right?

...right?

His head hurt a little.

“We can stop by the supermarket, I think,” Nanami says after he shuts the door behind him. “If your head hurts.”

He waved his hand to brush off the remark and followed her lead.

“When talking to many people, I guess I learned a lot of things,” she rambled on ever dully. “I know quite a bit from games, but that can only teach me so much about the world, I think.”

Matsuda said nothing to that, rubbing his temples.

“There was something in particular that frustrated and confused me,” she added. “Something that I wanted to understand.”

“Dating sims?” Matsuda asked wryly, unimpressed.

She didn’t respond, either to confirm or to elaborate. Matsuda huffed, but he expected as much.

“Y’know most games that simulate interaction miss out on a lot of nuances to actual conversations. Just like most thing,” he found himself saying. “No matter how intricate the control screen, there’s an ocean of difference between playing a game about a subject versus engaging with it in the real world. That’s another reason why your doctor games don’t do much for me.”

“I suppose that makes sense, huh.” Strangely, Nanami almost sounded wistful. “But, it’s still something I’d like to understand better. Interacting with others, building relationships, falling in love, things like that.”

They’re at the beach now. Nanami pauses to stare out towards the ocean. Matsuda wondered what he saw beyond the sunlight broken and scattered across the surface. The seagulls flying overhead, and the rolling waves.

“I don’t understand love, but... I don’t think you do, either, Matsuda-kun.”

Matsuda’s eyes narrowed sharply and he would’ve snapped back except suddenly his head hurt and he nearly choked. He gagged, too, feeling sick and light-headed.

“U-Urgh. Urgh.”

“Matsuda-kun.” A gentle hand on his head. “Forget I said anything.”

He flinched, but, his mind went blank for a moment and he swallowed back both saliva and bile. Noticing how close Nanami was standing to him, and how her stare was the most unsettling it has ever been, he scowled.

“What was that? I felt like you said shit that was seriously fucking rude before.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Liar.”

Nanami shrugs and from there it’s whatever. Just whatever.

“Hey, Matsuda-kun.” She tugs at her hood. “If you do ever leave, do you think you’ll be bothered to remember everyone?”

“You’re a difficult bunch to forget,” Matsuda snapped. “But as for you, I really can’t be clearer about my lack of interest. By the way, getting to know someone because you want to score fictional lovers on a game is kinda shit.”

“That was actually an excuse, but I figured it wouldn’t work on you.” She shrugged again. “But we spent enough time together that there must be something between us.”

“What a gross remark.”

“So difficult,” Nanami muttered. However, something tugged at her lips. “But I would like for you to get along with everyone, I think. Despite everything. I’m sure.”

“You really do sound like that obnoxious rabbit sometimes,” he responded, puffing his cheeks. She did the same.

“Because getting along with others is important, Matsuda-kun. You should know that.”

Of course I do. But the idea is such a hassle. Such a headache. I have to wonder if it’s worth the trouble.

But, he won’t deny that the idea of a future alone and isolated was a chilling one. He was still human, after all. Humans are social creatures by nature. It was how their species survived, as stupid as it was.

Even if I can’t begin to understand someone like the gamer zombie, it won’t be that way for most other people. And for all her faults, I suppose she’s capable like any other person. I suppose there are a couple of things about her that I can get, even if it’s not everything. But before all of that, one thing is certain.

As both he and Nanami stared out across the endless blue of the ocean waves, he could only truly seek after what laid beyond.

I have to get out of here.

[ograndebatata]

Gift Memories and Floating Leaves

Feliz Navidad, Adrianna! 

I was your Secret Santa!

Well... I already saw your own gift, which I plan to read soon, but thank you in advance for it! :) 

And like Carla told Elena once, “Great minds think alike.” because I confess I had a few ulterior motives of my own to ask certain questions...

I really hope you like this!

Note: Many things here are deliberately divergent from canon. Because she is my friend, and I know all about her Mirror World AU and the paths certain characters have taken over it, this story is based off of @lostbutterflyutau‘s AU.

To give other readers some context, this universe takes the show’s timeline as canon until Song of the Sirenas, at which point it diverges besides a few isolated elements. 

A few key differences here from canon are that in this AU, Carla’s mother died when she was born, and Carla herself, after coming to see the error of her ways, attended school for some time in a place caleld the Mirror World, where she grew as a person and saved the school and potentially more places several times.

In it, eventually Carla and Gabe fell in love, and started a happy relationship, and... well, I can’t say more without spoiling.

But for anyone who is interested in a fuller context of this story, I very strongly recommend her great fanfic When The Music Changes, which can found here.

I hope nobody minds, and I hope even more that I did alright for you, Adrianna. Like you, I tried my best.

_____

Gift Memories and Floating Leaves

At the Royal Palace of Avalor, on Noche Buena…

Standing on the balcony of the palace’s ballroom, her light blue wrap draped over her shoulders, the young brown-haired woman contemplated the twinkling lights of the massive árbol navideño that had been set up in the palace’s courtyard, as well as the smaller and more distant ones of the many decorations put up throughout the city, and the twinkling stars that glittered on the above sky. 

It was a lovely view, matched only by the one she knew her violet eyes would meet if she turned around and peered through the ballroom windows. Behind them, people would either be standing in groups or twirling through the dance floor, the spirit of joy and love inherent to the season palpable in the air and visible in everyone, even those who for most of the year weren’t exactly the most agreeable people to be around. 

Put together, both pictures combined in such a way that Carla couldn’t help but find surreal, as if Avalor had temporarily lifted itself out of the EverRealm and into another world. 

It might seem like a weird figure of speech for someone who had literally lived in another world, but her strong points were dancing and magic, not poetry, and she felt it fit. 

A brief breeze blew over her, rustling the glitter-studded dark blue of her ballgown and fluttering her loose hair and running over her skin like a warm soothing hand. Though Carla knew through Elena that ghosts only celebrated with the living on Dia de los Muertos, for a moment, it almost seemed like her mother was beside her this very moment, silently telling her that she got the metaphor, and she didn’t need to be so aggressive, especially with herself. 

The thought warming her heart, she closed her eyes and took in a long, deep breath, releasing it in a drawn out, comforted exhale.

As a child, she never would have imagined she would end up spending Navidad like this. 

Back then, it had always been pretty much the same thing, one year after another. She and her father would find some place to settle for the season, her father went all out with cooking (the only time of the year at which it was consistently made of purchased ingredients) bought her gifts that she now knew he had sometimes been hard-pressed to afford, and the two of them caroled together. 

All things considered, besides the ‘extra mile’ her father went to, Navidad hadn’t been all that different from ordinary days. Her father always went as far as she could with cooking, gave her all the gifts he could afford without impacting their savings, and always tried his best to help her to not feel alone despite the fact that the only company they had was each other. The only real difference between that time of the year and all others was that, unlike all other ceremonies, which her father saw as opportunities to ‘raise their funds’, Navidad was the one where he insisted that people were to be left alone. 

But now? Now she actually had a home she could call her own, an actual celebration to attend, and true friends to celebrate it with. And she even still had her father. Granted, he was back in the ballroom rather than outside with her, but that was a small distance, especially compared to certain previous years, which the two of them hadn’t even been able to spend together.

Having him with her was already something to be thankful for.

Her wrap slipped slightly. Carla adjusted it around her shoulders, looking down to make sure she hadn’t creased it. 

As she did, her eyes met the silver band on her left hand, the purple gemstone twinkling like a firefly.  

A different kind of warmth filled her at the view.

By itself, it was already a beautiful jewel, but the meaning behind it, joined by the two sets of initials - one on each side of the gemstone - reminded her of something else she had for this Navidad. 

Yet another thing to be thankful for. 

“There you are.”

Carla’s heart gave a slight leap as she flew from her thoughts. Then, a smile spreading across her features, she turned around to the one she knew had spoken, her violet eyes meeting the familiar profile walking toward her underneath the gazebo. 

The next moment, he stepped out of the shadows, giving her a full view of him in his dress uniform, and another view she found even better - that of his warm smile and twinkling eyes as he saw her. 

“There you are,” she deliberately echoed, her happy smile turning into a teasing one. 

Her chuckled fondly at her retort as he strolled up to her, the rapier at his waist swishing to and fro with his steps. 

As he rested his left arm over her shoulders and she curled her right one around his lower back, she asked, her voice more serious, “Is everything alright?”

She thought she had managed to keep her voice calm, but she couldn’t hold back the faint concern flickering up within her as she remembered Gabe’s departure from the dance. Today should be his night off, and the fact he was in dress uniform rather than his everyday guard outfit only reinforced that. But as she knew after years of being with him, it could be difficult for the Captain of the Guard to fully have time off. And just their luck, it seemed he had been needed during the Navidad festival.

“It is,” he replied, rubbing her shoulder soothingly through the wrap. “Just a few of the newer guards who weren’t certain of where exactly they should go on their rounds.”

Though a tiny part of her couldn’t help but think that that reason hadn’t been good enough to request Gabe’s presence specifically, the rest of her sighed in relief. At least it wasn’t about any villain having been spotted in the premises or some monster unleashed from a jar or some escaped criminal. Were it any of those, she could only guess their party would end faster than Cinderella’s. Festivals tended to be a magnet for scumbags of all sorts, and despite all the security measures that were put in place, there could be a few who were wily or lucky enough to get past them and wreak havoc.

She should know. She had helped to wreak havoc at similar events in her old days. 

Don’t think about that now. She told herself, forcing down the lingering shame brought by the memories of her past life. Those days are gone. 

Yes. They were. And she’d never want to go back to them. Not after learning how wrong they were.

“Well, I guess it’s nice that they feel comfortable enough with their Captain to ask directly for him,” she at last said, hoping she hadn’t spent too much time silent. “Even if they could have picked a better time to do it.”

She felt Gabe nodding against her. 

“Yes. On both accounts.”

A moment of silence went by, the two of them basking in the comfort of being together. Then, she felt him shifting against her, his stance suddenly more rigid. 

“And here?” he asked. “Is everything alright?”

She turned up to face him, meeting the liquid warmth of his chocolate brown eyes. 

“It is,” she said. “Just a few… unwanted thoughts.”

His stance turned the slightest bit more rigid. “Is that why you’re out here?” A hint of alarm flashed across his face. “Did anyone…”

He let the sentence trail off, but Carla could read the rest of it just fine. Smiling up at him, she rested her free hand on the one he had over her left shoulder. 

“No,” she said. “Nothing like that. I’m only out here because I was hot.”

His stance loosened at her words, but then, his eyes narrowed pensively, as if he was wondering whether he should say something he had in mind or not. Carla held back the urge to curl her eyebrow inquisitively.

“You used the wrong tense,” he at last added. Then, with a mischievous smirk, he added,  “You are hot.”

Her lips shifted into a smirk of her own even as joy bubbled up within her. He really was getting a bit too good at teasing her.

“So are you,” she replied, running her hand over the front of his vest.

And she meant it. As much as it was part of her own tease, seeing him in full dress uniform was a treat for her eyes. 

An even better one than the usual view of him, at any rate. 

The slightly more snug fit of his aquamarine trousers and open-front jacket fit him in a way that she could only describe as wonderful, the gold buttons and the golden trim on his jacket’s lapels and shoulders adding a touch of color, and the rapier sheathed by his left hip as a ‘fitting decoration’ so to speak. Underneath the jacket, the blue vest with gold buttons, coupled with a white shirt that was complimented by a red cravat, gave him a formal touch that somehow was both at odds with his true easy-going self and yet seemed to fit him like a glove. And the five medals he had earned for his services to Avalor over the years, pinned to the jacket’s front by red ribbons, added what could only be called the final missing element whose absence was only noticed after it was already present.

At first, Gabe looked thoughtful again, as if pondering whether he should say something or not. Then, he simply drew her further into him. 

Taking care not to snag her wrap on his medals or buttons, Carla rested her head on his chest - careful so she wouldn’t poke his chin with her tiara - and listened to the comforting steady beat of his heart.

And for some amount of time neither of them cared about tracking, they simply stood as they were, the same warm breeze from before flowing over them as they contemplated the twinkling lights of the árbol navideño and the city, no words necessary between them. 

It somehow seemed even more surreal than the sheer beauty of the picture all around her. And yet, she had no problem believing it was real. 

Not when she could feel it so intensely, seeping into every fiber of her being and spreading through all of her to the farthest depths of her soul. 

Another sigh flew out of her, this one dreamy. Gabe brought his free hand up and tucked one of her chocolate brown strands behind her ear, the hand he rested on her shoulder shifting ever so slightly, enough so as to let her feel the metal band resting around his ring finger. 

A soft smile returned to her face. 

They hadn’t openly talked much about it, but she knew from things he had said and done over the previous days, as well as from his own responses to some of her actions, that he was aware of this Navidad would be yet another special Navidad for them. 

“Soon,” she whispered to herself. 

The next instant, Gabe shifted underneath her arm and head, and over her shoulders. Though she could tell without moving that he was turning an inquisitive eye down at her, she removed her head from his chest and looked up at him.

“I was just thinking out loud. And I meant how soon it will be yet another first Navidad for us.” Her lips curled in a mix of teasing smirk and fond smile. “Husband.” 

Clarity lit up his eyes. 

“I know,” he said. “And I can’t wait to celebrate it.” His look a mirror of hers, he added, “Wife.”

After a brief search for a reply, she instead ran a hand along his jawline, her smile still in place. As much as she liked to be a tease, this time somehow didn’t seem to be the right one to let that streak of hers unfold too far.

“And I can believe it,” he went on. “Even if I wouldn’t have in our early days.”

That was something else she got. After al, she had felt exactly the same way back in the days when she refused to even admit her own feelings for him, much less to do something about them. 

And perhaps because of the season, one of those sprang to the front of her mind.

Despite herself, she briefly unleashed her urge to tease him.

“You mean like in a certain Navidad-related early day?”

Again, he didn’t give her a verbal reply. But his ever so slight nod, coupled with his fond chuckle and the spark in his eyes, told her that he understood what she meant, and was remembering the exact same moment right now. 

///

Four years before, a few nights before Navidad, by one of the Avalor Palace’s living rooms…

Her heart pounding as she stood before the closed door, Carla aimed her tamborita straight at the lock, her senses alert to any kind of suspicious noise, and her being so jittery from the position she found herself in that she swore she’d jump out of her skin if a drop of water landed on her.

Thankfully it wasn’t raining, and the palace didn’t have leaks on the ceiling, but that didn’t make her feel any better. After all, being out in the palace in the dead of night seemed weird to say the least. Even if she excused herself saying that she couldn’t sleep - which sounded superficially plausible given she was in her pyjamas and a robe - coming all the way to this place during an insomnia would sound at least odd.

Of course, the suspicious air to her location was the whole reason she should stay here for as little as possible. The faster she was, the less chances she would be seen, she had told herself more than once as she kept staring at the door, as if her mere gaze could magically make everything end up where it should be and send her back to bed, safe from any suspicions.

It was a sentence she had repeated more than once over the last five minutes or so. But somehow, this time it spurred her into action. Maybe something about her tune had been different this time. Or maybe she just needed to say it more than once to build up her determination. One or the other, it was meaningless. At least she could muster her will now. 

“Nitla abrax conzaporti!” she whispered as she brought her hand down on the tamborita’s drum, trying to tap it in the slightest way she could while also doing so hard enough to cast the intended spell.

Violet pulses flew from the drum and toward the door lock, which then slid to the side with a low click. Then the panel itself slid open, more silent than a sheet of paper falling. 

Armando really is a good chief of the castle, ensuring the door hinges stay so well oiled. She couldn’t help but quip in her mind.

Then, she scowled at herself. There was no time to joke when she was in such a compromising position.

At least it seemed that practicing this spell in secret had paid off. But there were still a hundred ways things could go wrong before she was done. And again, the longer she stayed up the more risks she took.

Finding it easier to return to her focus this, Carla aimed her tamborita to her right, at the sack that rested beside her.

“Llévaluq!” she said as she smacked the tamborita again. A purple glow bloomed around the sack, which silently floated off the ground and into the open doorway. 

Twiddling her fingers, Carla directed the bulk through the room until it landed on its intended spot, the plush carpet muffling the noise. 

Sighing in relief, Carla tiptoed into the room, hissing and grimacing as her bare feet briefly made contact with a few patches of uncarpeted floor. This was why she typically made sure to wear slippers. But wearing them now would make her steps noisier, so she had forgone them to reduce the potential giveaways. 

A few seconds later, she pushed the door closed, but held it back just before it clicked shut. If the door fully closed, it would make noise, and bring about yet another potential giveaway. At least like this, as long as no one passed directly by the door and didn’t decide to give it a close check, there would be nothing suspicious. 

For safety’s sake, she pressed an ear to the door, listening out for any suspicious sounds, like muffled footsteps on the carpet, the rustle of fabric as a guard walked, or even a guard’s breathing. 

None came.

A breath forcing its way out of her lungs like clay, Carla straightened herself and headed into the room, half-lit by both the outside light that filtered in through the windows and the twinkling yellow and purple lights that decorated the huge pine tree resting close to the unlit fireplace. 

Despite her nervousness, a smile blossomed on her face as she got closer. 

There in the dark, with its lights now largely unhindered, rested what Carla thought was the most beautiful and most special árbol navideño she had ever seen.

True, she had seen others that could be described as bigger, or more opulent, or technically better in their decoration. But none could even come close to this one. The first true árbol navideño she had helped to set up since she decided to turn her life around, the first one where she’d truly had the fun of decorating in years. 

Her smile only grew bigger as she remembered the various times she had spent working on it, whether it was picking out decorations with Elena and Isabel, or hanging them on the tree with Naomi and Esteban, or casting that spell Mateo had found to add twinkling firefly-like lights to the tree. 

Even now, she could stare at it for hours, lost in the memories of the happiness that came with being part of something so special.

You don’t have hours! Her common sense shouted at her. Hurry up! 

The warning making her spring back into focus, Carla hastened her step toward the árbol navideño, kneeling down beside her sack, which she had laid by the many gifts that had been placed under the tree. A relieved look spread across her face. No new gifts had been added since the last time she checked, and the current ones still looked indistinguishable enough from each other that there was no way to tell who had gotten each gift. 

Her choice still held up.

A slightly easier breath flowing out of her, Carla unlaced her sack, looking into it as she plottd out her next course of action.

“What are you doing?” 

A shout flew from her throat, her heart almost shooting out of her mouth as she jumped so high she swore her head nearly smashed into the ceiling. Her sack flapped as she rustled by it, her crash after she landed so noisy that it was a miracle she hadn’t woken half the palace. 

“This isn’t what it looks like!” she yelped even as she whirled towards the sound, raising both her free and and the one that still held  around her tamborita, her heart leaping like a demented monkey.

For a moment, she almost expected to see three or four guards raising their crossbows at her, their looks as stern as those of Elena when she had kicked her and her father out of Avalor on Carnaval.

Instead, only one guard stood there, and the only thing he had raised was his hands, even though he had a sword he could be drawing at her. 

Even in the dim light, his startled and apologetic look were visible to her. And so was his identity. 

“G-G-Gabe?” she managed to stammer, her heart still slamming all over her chest, but somehow an edge calmer at the sight of him. “W-w-what are you doing here?”

Of course, it was purely a rhetorical question. She could already paint the whole picture in her mind. Either he had been suspicious at the half-closed door or a faint breeze had somehow opened it before he passed by, all without her noticing. Then he had looked in, seen her kneeling by the tree and started thinking things. Probably bad things, given who she was and the fact she had her tamborita and a sack with her. 

Strangely, his apologetic face shifted into a playful one. 

“I asked first,” he quipped, somehow managing to sound endearing rather than silly or annoying, perhaps because of the wink he joined to his words.

Though her heartbeat was still frantic, she managed to muster a smirk. 

“And I’m a lady,” she returned. “Don’t the rules of etiquette say it’s ‘ladies first’?”

The moment her sentence was done, she barely held back both a scowl and a wince, mentally kicking herself. 

Where did that come from? Her inner voice shouted. Why on the EverRealm had her teasing nature decided to come out just at this very moment? 

Fortunately, despite how it must have sounded, Gabe only nodded. 

“Good point,” he acknowledged, the hint of a grin on his face telling her that he got her joke and was rolling with it, but at the same time something in his eyes conveying that he was also truly trying to respect her wishes. 

Then, nervousness ghosting across his features, he stood straighter and then started speaking in a more official voice, not all that different from the one she heard him use with Elena when he was on duty. 

“I was doing my rounds, and I saw this door was open, and saw you were here, and…” his voice faded, his arms twitching as if he was trying not to press them alongside his body or put them behind his back.  “I have to confess I got confused.” 

Fear flashing across his face the moment he finished his sentence, he raised his hands again and said, “Don’t get me wrong, I know you’re grown past your thieving days, but…”

Again, he fell silent. Carla waited for him to find his voice again, but while she could see from the unnatural stillness of his eyes that he was trying to find the right words, he didn’t make any more sound. 

And the silence dragged on, so thick Carla about expected to be able to hear the steps of the other guards as they did their rounds throughout the palace, or the crickets chirping outside. 

“But?...” she eventually echoed, gesturing in circles with her free hand as if winding a crank.

His features and profile loosening a fraction, he added, “But my curiosity was strong enough that I just had to ask what you were doing.” After a moment’s pause, he added. “For some reason.” 

He looked apologetic again, which Carla couldn’t help but appreciate.

But then again, there was nothing to appreciate to begin with. It was a good question after all. There should be no good reason for her to be kneeling by an árbol navideño with a sack in the middle of the night. And while she could tell from his voice and face that he really didn’t believe she was trying to steal anything, she could also tell that he was puzzled as to what she could be doing. 

Before she could say anything, he shook his head with an annoyed scowl, the emptiness in his gaze telling her the expression was directed at himself. 

“You know what? Forget it. I should have just left you alone. Like I said, I know you’re not here to steal anything.” He gave her a polite half-bow. “I’m sorry I bothered you.”

He started turning around to leave, his gaze no longer focused on her.

Before she could stop herself, her arm shot up like an arrow, a single word flying out of her lips. 

“Wait!” 

Then, as the word finished, she mentally kicked herself again. But it was too late. Gabe had already turned around. Though his gaze was nothing but gentle and encouraging, Carla still felt as embarrassed as if she had actually been caught committing a crime.

But for a reason she couldn’t quite explain, she felt he deserved an actual explanation rather than to mull the matter over in his head and perhaps literally lose sleep as he tried to find the answer to his question.

His gaze remained as calm as before, but still, nervousness built up within her.

At last, she managed to whisper, “Promise you won’t laugh?” 

She winced the moment the question was done, as if her body had already decided there would be a bout of laughter from it alone. But instead, his gaze looking even gentler and more encouraging, Gabe nodded.

“I promise.”

There was nothing forceful or demanding in the words or the way he said it, but her nervousness scarcely faded. After all, she was about to say something that would be weird at best. And yet, for some reason, as afraid as she was of what he could think, she wanted to tell him. 

Fiddling with her bracelet as well as she could while she was still holding her tamborita, she tried to muster the nerve to speak up. 

At last, she explained, “I’m dropping off my gifts for everyone.”

For a moment, his expression remained just the same. Then, ever so slowly, his left eyebrow started to curl, the hints of puzzlement all too visible in his widening eyes. 

“And you need to do that in the dead of night?” he asked, the same puzzlement trickling through his voice. 

“Yes,” she replied, trying her best not to look down in embarrassment.

He didn’t say anything, but she could read the next question on his features plain as day, even without using her powers. 

Despite her nervousness, she managed to get out, “It’s just… I never had to get gifts for anyone other than Papá. And…” she paused, the incoming words seemingly so hard to utter that she needed time to gather strength to do so.  “... well, in case they don’t like my gifts, I don’t want anyone to know they’re from me.” 

Understanding dawned on his face. Again, Carla braced herself for laughter or some kind of reproaching comment. Now that he knew the reason, he was bound to find it silly.

But yet again, he didn’t laugh. More than that, he didn’t even seem like he was trying to hold back laughter. His gaze remained just as understanding as before. 

“You didn’t need to have done that,” he soothed. “I’m sure they’ll appreciate the effort one way or the other. Whatever your gifts are, they will mean that you thought of them and took the time to get them something, because you like them.”

Despite the comment, Carla felt her whole being loosening. The calm and comforting way in which he’d spoken to her, rather than the mocking or derisive tone she had been so afraid to hear from anyone who might have caught her, made those words much better. At least as good as they could be when he was still telling her she didn’t need to go to such lengths.

She did suppose he was right, although she wouldn’t know for sure. Like she had told Gabe, she had never needed to get gifts for anyone other than her father, and even he hadn’t gotten all that many gifts from her, because she had only started being able to get away from him to buy them herself once she was fourteen, and even then she’d had her spots of trouble. Yes, her father had always liked the gifts she got him, and she had no reason to think her new friends and her found familia would be any different, but all the same...  

“I still think it’s better like this,” she managed.

Already, she gathered herself for further words of disagreement from Gabe, sure that he would keep insisting on the matter until she agreed that his point of view was the right one. But instead, he simply nodded again. 

“I respect that,” he replied. 

And though that sentence could easily be said out of mere formality, she could tell that he meant it. 

“Can you please turn around then?” she requested. “I really would rather no one saw where I put anything.”

He gave her another polite half-bow. “I promise I won’t look.”

Then, without any further prompting, he turned around, suddenly rigid as if standing attention, though he was facing the door rather than any person. An invisible weight lifting from her, Carla again knelt by the tree and took her hand to the sack. All things considered, things had gone far better than she had hoped. While she had been caught, Gabe had believed her innocence and given her a chance to explain herself. And now that he was here, she’d be able to finish her job without without being seen by anyone. 

Or maybe not. She realized, invaded by a sudden fear.

After all, Gabe was still here. What if…

Don’t be like that! She told herself. This is Gabe! When he gives his word, he keeps it! You know that by now!

Yes. That was something she had always known about him. It was true that many guys liked to pass them off as gentlemen when they were even worse than the scumbags she had met on the road, but Gabe was one of those who if anything was even better than what he proclaimed to be. If he had told her he would turn around, she had no reason to not believe it. 

But maybe she should just make sure. And she could do it. After all, she knew a spell that could turn her tamborita’s surface into a mirror. And it was one of those that Mateo called a ‘hitless spell’, so she wouldn’t draw Gabe’s attention by smacking the drum. She only had to whisper the word and she would have a makeshift mirror on her hand, and would be able to see whether Gabe was holding up his promise.

No. She told herself. He had trusted her. The least she could do was now trust him in return. 

All the same, it really might be better to simply be sure. 

It’s Gabe! She insisted. If he told you he wouldn’t look, then he won’t look!

Then again, he might not just be able to help his curiosity. It had happened when he saw her in the room. There was no way to say it wouldn’t happen now.

Before he didn’t know what was going on! She insisted. Now he does! And he promised! 

Yes, he had. And he never broke a promise. That was something Carla knew about him from the days she had been Rita. And, she realized now, it might have been one of the reasons she had never been able to bring herself to manipulate him. Granted, that should only make him an easy target by all means, but somehow, even for her self from back then, there had been something about Gabe that had prevented her from branding him as a target. 

But still, maybe just… 

I SAID NO! Her mind’s voice shouted.

Then, before she could change her mind, she finally seized one of the gifts from inside the sack, and placed it by the tree, at a spot where its wrapping wouldn’t stand out too much between the surrounding gifts. 

Satisfied with her job, she repeated the procedure a second time. Then a third, and a fourth, and so on, until she had placed a total of eight gifts under the tree, each of them carefully placed at inconspicuous spots, inside wrapping paper that didn’t stand out, and with the name of the person they were for written in a disguised spelling so that they wouldn’t know it was from her.

Wiping a forearm over her forehead, she sighed in relief and grabbed her now empty sack in her right hand and her tamborita in her left one. 

“You can turn around now,” she told Gabe.

So he did. 

Then, to her surprise, he surveyed the gifts under the tree with the same probing gaze she saw him using during guard inspections. 

Unlike those, it lasted only a few seconds before he looked at her.

“You did a good job,” he complimented, again somehow sounding both teasing and genuine. “I can’t tell which of these gifts were put there by you.”

She tried her best to shrug nonchalantly, her cheeks crinkling in a sheepish look. 

“Well, I got one for everyone,” she said. “Even Esteban. I’m hoping no one feels left out.”

Puzzlement briefly flashed across Gabe’s face when she said ‘even Esteban’, but it lasted all of a moment. Then, for some strange reason, he started inching toward her, but stopped almost as soon as he started and straightened himself again. If Carla didn’t know any better, she would swear he had been about to move closer and comfort her, like she saw him doing a few times to Elena or Naomi, or even to Mateo once.

And despite her childhood mantra of keeping just about everyone at arm’s length, she couldn’t help but be a bit sorry that he hadn’t done so, even as she was above all touched that he had respected her personal space when he didn’t know if he was welcome inside it. 

“Like I said, I’m sure they will appreciate the effort.” He smiled. “I know I would.”

She returned the smile even as she felt her blood rushing to her cheeks. She hoped so, almost as much as she hoped that it was dark enough for him not to see her blazing red face. After all, one of those gifts was for him. Which didn’t mean anything special, and wasn’t meant to - Elena and her family had each gotten a gift from her, as well as Naomi and Mateo. Of course Gabe would be included as well. Her getting him a gift didn’t have to mean anything.

Even if she had to admit she spent more time trying to find a good gift for him than for many other people. And that she, for some reason, was more worried about him not liking her choice than she was about other people feeling that way. 

“Thanks,” she settled on.

“Anytime.”

Again, there was a moment of silence, after which he spoke up. 

“Do you want me to escort you to your room?”

At first, she could only give him a dumbfounded look. Then, as if she was having a delayed reaction, a cartload of sleepiness crashed on her being as if the ceiling had come down on her. Before she could do anything to fight it back, a massive yawn forced its way out of her and into her right hand as she put it before her mouth for the sake of propriety, part of her unable to hold back the thought that she must look ridiculous by holding the empty sack in front of her as she yawned. 

“Why not?” she replied after her yawn was finally out.

Saying so, she walked up to him, the two of them making their way to the door. 

The fog in her mind suddenly thickened, despite her yawn to clear sleepines out, almost making her sway on her feet. At the last moment, she managed to keep herself in check and hold a standing position.

And then her eyes widened in alarm as she saw what hung above the doorway. 

“Wait!” she called, all drowsiness gone from her voice.

He snapped to a halt the moment he heard her.

“What?” he replied, alarm bursting on his features. 

Her mouth opened and closed as she ransacked her mind for something to say in response. But despite her best efforts, nothing seemed capable of coming out. 

She knew the real reason she had stopped, but she couldn’t tell it to him. If she told him that, he’d really think she was an idiot for sure. 

But she had to say something before he started to get suspicious. Assuming he wasn’t already

BUT WHAT DO I TELL HIM? She shouted at herself.

As if on cue, her eyes found the árbol navideño and the gifts underneath it. She seized it - that gave her a solution. 

“On second thought, I think I’ll just check one more time, to really make absolutely sure my gifts are properly disguised,” she said. “Can you wait outside?”

This time, Gabe pursed his lips a few times, as if he was briefly struggling with whether or not to make a comment. But like on her request to turn around, he replied, “Of course.”

Carla waited with bated breath as he walked toward the door. For the briefest of instants, she thought she saw him freezing, as if he had also looked up and spotted what she did, perhaps even worked out her true reason to stay in the room. But before she could be sure of it, he kept moving and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. Only when it clicked shut did she let out a sigh of relief. 

That door had mistletoe hanging over it. And she knew what mistletoe meant. Couples who found themselves underneath it had to kiss. 

So if she and Gabe had walked out of that door together, they would have had to do just that. And there was no way she would do it. 

Would it really be so bad? A voice that seemed both annoying and patient asked.

Yes. It would. And not because it was Gabe. In fact, he had to be top of the list of guys she would mind the least about kissing if she found herself under the mistletoe. 

Wait. Where did that thought come from?

It didn’t matter. Even if he was on top of that list, she would still mind about kissing him. 

It would be her first kiss after all. 

No one in Avalor knew that, and even most people who knew her in the Mirror World didn’t know so either, but it was the truth. Though she was eighteen, she had yet to have her first kiss. And while even less people knew that, she wanted her first kiss to truly be special. Weird as it may sound coming from someone with her background, she wanted it to be the kind of unique and dreamy kiss that was discussed in romance novels, the kind where only she and her partner seemed to exist in the whole world, where both of them were lost in each other and their feelings.

Yes, she still didn’t know if she would be able to have that, and she hadn’t yet found the right guy to share it with, but at least she had dodged giving her first kiss away.

Which meant that she still could be able to save it for a special occasion.

She only hoped that someday, she would have it. 

///

Present day...

It had been years since, but Gabe remembered that day like it had been yesterday. His puzzlement and curiosity at seeing her kneeling by the árbol navideño with a sack beside her. His inability to hold back his question. Her alarm at his intrusion. His attempts to reassure her, joined by his fear that he was only making her feeling worse. Her own fear that people wouldn’t like the gifts she had picked out for them. And her relief at the fact he hadn’t laughed at her and had respected her wishes for him not to see what she was doing.

In a sense, it had been pointless. Everyone Carla had gotten a gift for had worked out that it came from her, and had taken the time to give her a hug and thank her for it. Of course, that included him, and he had been sincere in his gratitude for the sword care kit she had gotten him. Even today, he still had the box it came in, although the cloth had gotten too stained to use and the products had long since run out. 

True, his thanks had come out a bit on the awkward side. Which even then he knew was to be expected, given that they had opened their gifts the day after that year’s Navidad festival, where he and Carla had ended up sharing what they both called ‘their dance’, the one which lead to both of them realizing their feelings for each other. The one that ultimately had been their first step toward this moment.

Yes, the walk had been long, and both of them had stumbled across the way, but they had both managed to get up and keep going forward. And now, years later, they stood outside the very same ballroom where they had taken that first step, now as husband and wife, together on a level they hadn’t been before. 

His fond grin melting into a subtler smile, Gabe drew Carla closer and ran his fingertips over her hair. She closed her eyes in pleasure and again rested her head on his chest.

It seemed so surreal now to think there had been a time they had been so afraid of their feelings as to not even talk about them. And that was already discounting the days when they actually had their feelings for each other but were still in denial about them even to themselves. Like the day when they’d had the ‘Navidad-related incident’ both of them had just recalled. 

Of course, that had turned out to be for the better. That way, they had been able to share a proper first kiss as a couple, and Carla in particular had been able to have a proper first kiss, period (though he had only learned about that months after the ‘mistletoe incident’).

He supposed it was a good thing neither of them was superstitious. After all, avoiding a kiss under the mistletoe was said by some to bring back luck. 

And it was true they had been in some rough spots over the years. 

But they had managed to overcome each one. And he knew that together, they could overcome whatever came next.

Still, that was no reason for them not to amuse themselves a bit with their memory of that moment.

On cue with the thought, Carla raised her head from his chest.

“Just what kind of naughty idea came into that mind of yours?” she teased, reaching up her arm to twirl his signature pushed up strangs.

In the early days, there had been a few such occasions where he had wondered if Carla had used her mind-reading power to figure out what he was thinking so quickly. But he learned to sense when she did so, and he knew that outside of a few emergencies, the one time she had used it was on that time when she wanted to find out his feelings for her. This case was just a sign of how well they had gotten to know each other.

“You know, I’m not sure how that can be, but in all these years, I realize we never got to have that kiss we both dodged.”

Carla hummed mock-pensively, her lips quivering as she fought down a smirk.

“Is that so?...” she drawled. “And what are you going to do about it, Captain?”

Saying so, she again reached up and flicked her fingers through his hair. He raised his eyebrows in mock-pensiveness. 

“Well, if we had some mistletoe, I know what I would do, but alas, there isn’t any over here,” he replied. “So it seems we will need to move over to a place where there is some?”

She frowned pensively at his words. 

“I think that would give everyone too much of a show. We should find another solution.” Her eyes lit up. “And I know just the one.”

Saying so, she slipped her hand under the top layer of her dress and drew out her tamborita.

“I can just bring some over here.”

“Always prepared, I see,” he teased.

She smirked again, flicking at the handle of the rapier at his waist. 

“Look who’s talking.” 

He had no argument for that. While this rapier was slightly shorter and much thinner than the sword he used on everyday duty, and mostly meant for decorative purposes, it was still fairly sharp and would be able to make damage if he used it on someone. He hoped that day wouldn’t come, but too many things over the years had shown it was better to be safe than sorry. 

“Llévaluq!” she said as she aimed her tamborita at a spot above the balcony’s door. 

Three mistletoe leaves floated from their ties and floated over the balcony towards them, halting at a spot about a foot above Gabe’s head, magic keeping them still despite the breeze that blew around them.

Without any more words, she slipped her tamborita back into its giant custom-made pocket. 

Then, she turned upwards to face him, a current of sparks flowing between them as their gazes locked into each other.

Resting his right hand on her jawline and his left one on her shoulder, he leaned down to meet her, as she in turn reached up toward him, both her arms wrapping around her shoulders, her left hand sliding up to rest on his nape.

Then, their lips met, their mouths moving over each other in exactly the same way both of them knew the other liked byu now, nipping at the ideal spots, pursing their lips around each other’s with just the right amount of pressure, and moving at the exact pace both of them knew the other like.

His right hand moved from Carla’s jawline and dove into the chocolate-brown waterfall flowing down her back, his fingers and palm resting on her nape as her fingers wrapped around his hair. Somehow, the two of them managed to come even closer together, their kiss so tuned over the years that it seemed more rehearsed than one of Carla’s dance performances, and yet flowing from each other as naturally as breathing. 

Neither of them spoke, and neither of them actively tried to convey their thoughts through any other way, but as their kiss lasted on until it seemed to grow eternal, both of them knew the other was thinking exactly the same thing. 

That despite however things had started out back when Carla first showed up in Avalor, and however they had turned out by the árbol navideño all those years ago, both of them were glad they had found their way to each other, and thankful to be together. 

All around them, lights kept twinkling whether from the stars above or from the various Navidad decorations nearby, neither of them paying much attention as they devoted their focus to the moment they were sharing, and the joy that was being with each other.

[thirdmagic]

giant rambly walls of text post of headcanons and theories and general thoughts on david, roman and solomon ft lots of extrapolation

first of all, i basically think of archer david as like... if 'lazy cheerful mcdonlads loving manchild in a yukata dad' kerry got summoned into the body of his child self and went 'oh wow this is before Everything in my life went horribly wrong it almost feels like all that never happened!!' and got into it enough to try to recreate what he was like as a child. which i realize is a hilariously weird mental image but a close enough comparison. it's just in this case the difference isn't '30 year old and 10 year old (at most)' but '60-70 something very old man and late teens/early twenties'. on the surface level this david is much more David The Humble Nobody Shepherd Boy Who Beat A Giant then David The Anointed Powerful King, because most of the stuff this version draws on in his NP and skills are from this aspect of him. but it's also clearly very much not the same case as other younger/child servants. most younger versions are aware of their older selves and what happens to them in the future but aren't those people and haven't personally experienced these futures. but nearly everything david does talk about, experiences he calls back to, people he talks about, is stuff from his time on the throne. he talks about this time as something that happened to him personally. so this isn't really baby shepherd david even though his servant container draws on these aspects of him, it's David The King in the body of baby shepherd david.

but what i find most interesting, is that he seems to really play into this image/role... like it's a deliberate choice/preference on his part or something consciously cultivated. there's what he says is tamacat's interlude, but also his my room line that outright has him saying 'sure i used to be a king, but don't worry about it, it's whatever, i'm just a shepherd now and i want to take this chance as a servant to be just that'. the impression is that he's very much trying to distance himself from his king-self and that entire part of his life which is... in its own way a lost cause and he probably does this knowing it's a lost cause, given that's what he spent the majority of his life doing and how everything he calls back to is from that life. that shepherd boy is just not the person he is anymore and hasn't been for a long time, but i think that's why he prefers to be summoned in this specific physical form and in this specific class that draws on this part of his life- the servant container/class makes it easier to act the part, to put that undesirable aspect of himself aside. so long as he's not summoned as a king he doesn't need to act like one nor feel like he has the responsibilities of one. and being a king clearly kind of sucked as far as he’s concerned.

now i mentioned before that biblical david is super kerrycore so while i don't know how much fate would even want to incorporate this side of the original version... idk, i'm really into the idea and think it's just potentially super interesting to take this parallel full circle and for david the king to be the figurative equivalent to cold blooded assassin magus killer kerry. it gives extra weight to why he'd want to just put aside this part of his life and lean in fully into a whole other role/identity that has nothing to do with kingship and why he acts Extra carefree and frivolous: because he spent most of his life as everything but that. because he couldn't be this way so long as he acted as king, because the responsibility and the role demanded that he had to suppress this aspect of himself and also that he act in ways he might not have really wanted to even as he understood that it was needed. he was good at doing the dirty and unpleasant stuff and he understood the necessity of it; he had a talent for it, in a sense, even if it wasn't a talent for something he liked or enjoyed. it goes well with him talking about how he dislikes battle in conjunction to how he was a very military focused leader-- something he never wanted to engage in or do, but that the role of the king demanded of him.

because his biblical depiction is from the very start, from the first goliath story, more of a cunning politician and warrior than anything else. he's subtle, sly and calculating, not afraid to get his hands dirty and do undignified things to get where he needs to, and very conscious and aware of all that goes around him, including how he's seen by other people and how he needs to act as if he were in front of an audience. he finds creative and subtle ways to get around most problems, but he also knows when a problem is best solved violently and doesn't hesitate to commit to that solution. (most unlike fate david though, he's also super hot-tempered and fairly quick to Stabbity Stab if someone pissed him off lmao and has to be talked down at least once from Doing A Murder)

this is compounded by how, in general, the narrative very very often leaves us in the dark about what he's really feeling or thinking in a lot of pivotal moments and leaves us often to wonder about his sincerity and true motivations. his story in the bible is essentially the unraveling of this kind of hyper competent and skilled person as he gets more and more exposed to the reader emotionally and personally, as we see more and more of his weakness and vulnerability and his real flawed and imperfect core is revealed. the narrative is at once both critical of him while still remaining firmly on his side and sympathetic towards him, and the main thing that keeps him sympathetic as a character in this way, through his darkest moments and most questionable behavior, is that he's 1) unquestionably devoted to God and nearly flawlessly pious, which is for obvious reasons a significant virtue for both the original writer and the original audience the narrative was meant for, and 2) very good at handling criticism, accepting that he made mistakes, and making amends/fixing things when he needs to. which he does a lot of.

so basically, yeah: ruthless stabby killer who's a clever and sly pragmatist, but also a Sad and vulnerable dad. that's what i meant lmao that's the exact same aesthetic as kerry.

and something you'll find pointed out very, very often by any literary analysis or any analysis at all, is his humanity; it's something that can be ascribed to many, many biblical characters but is applied to him as a defining trait in particular. and that's.... even better and gets even more interesting for fate david specifically when pitted against solomon, the perfect, flawless inhuman king. there's a consistent thematic thread in fate of being an ideal vs being a human being, especially for kings and other types of leaders, and in this context i think you can do a lot with david as someone who, instead of giving in/fully committing to one at the expense of the other, went for a balance between the two-- and struggled with that balance. he succeeded in many ways as a king and was good at it, but in some ways he lost that struggle because he failed to find that balance and gave in to humanity at the worst of times, and it's those moments which led to both his biggest mistakes and his biggest tragedies. it's interesting to me because it's different from the patterns that characters like kerry and saber establish, and it offers a perspective on this dilemma that also explains why people like them commit to this all-or-nothing approach to it.

and it's also interesting to me to compare to solomon, but especially the fact that when put in context-- that god sees david and decides to make solomon the way he is seemingly in response-- the implication is one of a background 'story' that's very consistent to an interesting pattern about god in genesis: that he's always trying out new ways to interact with this world he created through humanity and having to retry after each one attempt doesn’t quite go well. he started with adam and eve and they disobeyed him, when he tried to with all of humanity and when they turned away from him and degenerated morally he had to destroy them all with the flood. then he tried to create this connection/interaction through just one person and then just one nation from this person, and that's how he came to form the covenant with us. humans are constantly ruining his plans and he's constantly having to adjust and try or test new things. and i like the idea that he's also trying to do something similar with the kings and leaders he appointed to this chosen nation; he tried with the judges who were all scattered leaders that couldn't unite the tribes, then tried with saul who was just kind of a weak leader and king in general and couldn't handle it, tried with david, and then looked at him and went, okay, i did pretty well with this one, he's served me well but it's still not what i need. so, god reasons, if his problem is that his humanity was what got in the way then clearly the problem is that i look to humans as my representatives in the world. so clearly i need someone who can interact with humans and the human world as one of them but won't have their flaws. and so that gives us some background to and explains solomon's circumstances.

now in fgo itself the exact circumstances of solomon's birth and why he was born as he was are kind of vague, and i haven't seen anything in materials or other canon sources to elaborate (Dark Nasu, Show Me The Forbidden Solomon Backstory) but the one, somewhat cryptic line we're given to explain is that he was offered by david to god to make him into a greater king than he was. that's not exactly what happened in the original story but not really wrong either. it's a fairly legit and logical take on what happened there imo. what we're told is that god looked at baby solomon and went 'oh yeah, this kid seems pretty legit, i like this one' (when he was already born, not before that), and through a prophet, gives him a second name that literally means 'friend to god'. then, many, many chapters later, when david is old as balls and senile and slowly dying and there's a succession crisis blooming, nathan (who was the one that gave solomon his second name, as this part of the story’s acting prophet) has bathsheba resolve it by, ahem, 'reminding' him that he promised her that solomon will succeed him. and it's kind of Highly Conspicuous that we have never seen nor been told that this promise happened in the one part of the narration where it would have been most relevant to include so it's not out of the question that nathan had her persuade him of something that never happened because he was kind of very malleable at that point and with shit going down in court they needed a fast solution.

with that in mind i think fate goes under the assumption that this promise was actually real, and that the only major difference here outside of the magic/nasuverse specific elements is that solomon being chosen this way was something that happened before he was actually born, so it connected the two and combined them with how he's characterized in the chapters afterwards as the Good Flawless King and then with all sort of external sources that i can't really speak of since they’re not my area. the other main difference is the implication that david actually played a part in solomon's divine kingly destiny and planned on him being king from the start and specifically offered for god to raise him as such. and there's precedent for something like that with samuel who basically got offered by his mother to be raised as a divine prophet/judge, and the circumstances are more or less similar. samuel was offered by his mother to be in service to god and was raised by priests, which is close enough to being raised by god i guess? but he was totally separated from his parents, and he was definitely absolutely not inhumanly flawless lmao. so i think what david offered is roughly to the extent of 'i will give you my son to raise as his father instead of me, so you could raise him into the kind of king i couldn't be, while i'll stay out of his life so you can do your thing with him as you need'. and with samuel as an example for a similair offer/deal, i think he was expecting a normal human child, just one who'd grow up into a very skilled, competent king and without david's own flaws. and i imagine he was not planning on how it actually turned out for everyone involved.

and as for the reason why he even made the offer in the first place, i chose to look to the promise as the hint to the answer: at least part of it should likely be piousness and sincerely wanting to provide god with the kind of person he couldn't be, but it also means bathsheba, who became his wife under less then ideal circumstances and who lost both her husband and the first child she ever had and that should have been her husband's to his actions and his punishment, has guaranteed protection under her status as the king's mother and isn't thrown to the wolves when he dies, which is the issue she appeals to when she asks him to officially appoint solomon as his successor. being the king's mother gives her control and power in a world where she'd otherwise be in a very precarious position. theeeeeeeeennnn there's also some tradition-- i don’t remember much but i know it exists-- that claims she was his Favorite of his wives, probably for shallow reasons, though i don't think there's much internal textual evidence of that, but that's also A Thought. (i'm just saying, if they ended up developing an actually good connection and ended up loving each other for real that'd be a fascinating and very nasu twist but idk if i'm officially adopting that as my hc yet)

then there's the question of david's relationship to solomon.... there's different takes on it, from what i've seen in fancomics and stuff that does have transltions, and what i managed to understand from untranslated stuff. one interesting one is that david emotionally distanced himself as a result of the trauma of losing the baby from his initial affair with bathsheba, so he kept this distance from the second son he had with her so as to avoid something like that again-- -out of fear he'll lose him again if he allows himself to get emotionally attached. it's a trauma that would certainly be compounded after he lost tamar, amnon and then absalom and how that entire incident really broke him. i don't know if i totally subscribe to that but i think it's on to something.

in general i think of david as not a cruel or abusive father but definitely an emotionally distant one and not very actively present in his children's lives. the struggle of balancing being a king and being a human being had a wrench thrown in it when among all the roles he had to play came up the role of a father, which he just had zero understanding of how to approach or how it fits in with that balance-- the inhuman role of a king and the very human role of father are far more difficult to separate in the world of politics and the court, for him. drawing in from the source text, even in the bible you get the strong sense that he's not very attentive at the best of times, but the moment he loses any of his children, his grief is almost always overwhelming and unsubtle, even if it always manifests differently. in fgo materials their relationship is described as an indifferent one, which is to say, it's not a bad relationship because there's not much of a relationship at all to be good or bad, and i think it was sort of the case with most of his relationships with his children. of course, i also doubt there were absolutely no feelings or affection involved and that it was a totally apathetic one-- on david's part at least. solomon would have been given no room for human attachments such as family or the involved feelings, which means he'd also not feel the pain of the absence of such a thing or the need to have it. if he was given room to feel any sort of familial affection, it's likely a very shallow, vague one.

roman, i think, probably just has a lot of very complicated feelings on it that he's not sure what to do with and doesn't himself really understand. i also think this distance also means he never really understood david or was given the chance to, or, due to his own nature, been given any reason to want to. the absence of this relationship is something he feels in this new human life and understands that it was there and that it was not a good thing, but in a very vague way he's doesn't have the words for; he feels disconnected from it all because even as solomon he was very emotionally disconnected from his family and all that happened in it. and now there's the amount of time has passed and how long ago it would have been for him and how overall irrelevant it all ended up being for him... that david wasn't much of a father to him ends up not mattering much in practice because everything would have turned out the same even if he was, and it's hard to miss something he never felt he ever actually had. he knows there's an absence but doesn't feel it because solomon didn't feel it, and roman never got to experience any of it as roman.

and then he actually gets to meet david again thanks to chaldea. which is completely different as a human being with, like, Feelings, when you have all this knowledge in mind, and to look at a real breathing living human (figuratively speaking) right in front of you and for that person to register as Father in your head is a completely different experience then. it goes from a sort of vague, disconnected regret to a real, emotional understanding of what it is to have a father you never managed to connect to and who kept a distance from you for reasons you don’t understand, and then having the chance to form a connection, all while trying to figure out what the heck is going on with him because he's nothing like what you remember in life.

basically i think the first thing roman thought when he saw david was roughly something like 'whomst the fuckest is [waves hands vaguely] this guy because that is so not my dad', and it slowly segued into 'okay no now i see it, that's closer to the sort of things he'd say or do, but still, what the fuck'. he starts seeing david in an entirely new way on one hand after being exposed to this completely different side to him, but it's also confusing to re-contextualize with all his memories of him and how different he is. the last time they talked, david was on his deathbed giving him a list of people he wants him to murder the shit out of, and another list of people he absolutely does not want him to murder, and his last words were basically 'i leave it up to you how you'll do it legally but i need you to kill that motherfucker dead'. his last moments on the earth he still spent not as a father speaking to a son, but as a king to his successor. ... which suddenly he can also bring himself to feel actual strong feelings about when all of this begin to feel much more personal and much less distant, and also makes the absence of this relationship actually feel tangible, including the feelings of vague regret, maybe a desire to reconnect and to really develop this relationship now that he has the chance to actually know his dad, maybe even some kind of affection for the man-- and when it starts going there that's when he panics because he was not asking for this and does not want these feelings they're really bad and horribly inconvenient this is literally the worst time to be awakening to them!!!!!!

it's all a moot point, of course, because he can't even if he admitted to himself that he wanted to; he can't afford the risk of anyone that's not da vinci knowing, much less someone like this person who he doesn't really know or understand and wouldn't have his trust even under normal circumstances. but and in between all these considerations, he looks at david and wonders about him, wonders how to talk to him-- he  knows how to talk, as solomon, to His Majesty The King or to his father the king, but he doesn't know how to talk as a human being to someone he knows to be his father, person to person. he's both familiar and a complete stranger, and talking to him is just a source of headaches not just because of his general personality but because of this particular dissonance. and it's worse because he's also completely undecipherable and he can't tell what he's thinking at least half the time. as easy it might be to dismiss him and think there's nothing beyond what's going on on the surface, he still knows his dad well enough to understand that this is just not the case. and there's a lot of hindsight reflection over his childhood memories and of everything he does remember and in some way putting these things in a new context.

in practice how this manifests is really mostly that he just sort of hovers just outside his orbit, wanting to approach but avoiding at the last second, thinking all these things but not really doing anything beyond that, at one avoiding him and still being unable to resist the urge to engage with him anyway.

.... anyway this post got way way too big and i'm not sure how to end it, but these are almost all the thoughts/hcs i’ve developed for the past year or so. maybe a few minor things i missed or forgot.

[allmysense8children]

Here’s the thing about the finale. People have put far too many expectations on it to deliver everything a full series would have - maybe not on purpose, but I’m seeing it a lot. Everyone acknowledges that it was rushed and they say they understand this, but then they continue to write commentary which seems to expect the opposite.

The cancellation of the show really did mean the end. The original plot threads, the alternative ideas being tossed about, the long term growth and development of characters? That was killed off because the show was cancelled (again, fuck you Netflix). The finale was never meant to continue all of that - to do so it would have had to have compacted 12 hours into 2. I’m not talking about plot, here, because that was the easy part (and I’m pretty sure they did manage to condense most of the BPO plot, which was always a little long winded, anyway, it was just a shame they cut Sun’s, Lito’s and Capheus’ plots, too - though I get why). I’m talking character development. To continue on the same path would never have worked. From how I saw Rajan grow throughout the two seasons, I suspected Kala/Wolfgang/Rajan would end either in a poly or in an amicable divorce (if they ended up doing the obvious ‘kill the decent-ish husband and have him encourage his wife to marry the love of her life while he’s on his deathbed’ trope I would have, in all likelihood, thrown something at the screen). They chose the happier route because it was the only thing that would fit in the hours they had and because it suited the entire theme of the finale: love conquers all. To expect Rajan to just accept everything and bow out immediately, leaving them to their own devices (and not aid them in their fight) would have been completely ooc. He, at the very least, would have stayed to help and in doing so, we would have had to have seen him adjusting to the love of his life not being with him anymore - that would have taken time and it would have been sad (and a little boring), eating time from the other elements. It was far easier, given the time constraints, and far more ground-breaking (and trope-breaking) to circumvent the love triangle. For a show that’s so LGBT+ positive, for a show that has taken a character who has grown up in a society which has taught, encouraged and enforced racial, cultural, classist and misogynistic bias (and don’t forget homophobia! India’s not exactly the most gay-friendly place on earth!) onto him and had him consistently grow out of it as a result of love and support, the poly was the very best option to take. Here was an opportunity to do something good with Rajan. To send a message which fit the theme of the whole show. And they took it.

The finale was fanservice, plain and simple. It’s fanfiction made canon. It was a love letter to the fans. To expect more of it is unfair to Lana and the entire sense8 team. We got a quick tie up of plot threads, they gave us some kick-ass action scenes and they tried to give the limelight to as many characters as they could - their way of taking a bow in front of the fans. But the main point was for things to end happy. To show us that underlying thread which drove the whole story - that love and acceptance of each other really are the greatest, most powerful forces on earth.

They had fun. It was not perfect by any means, there were mistakes, they dismissed plot anomalies with ‘some things we can explain some things we can’t’ and the dialogue was cheesier and clunkier than usual, but given their limitations I don’t understand how people can be angry.

I loved the finale because if I was only going to get a glimpse of my beloved characters one last time, I wanted them all happy, I wanted to laugh with them. I wanted to see them as their best selves. Except for Whispers. I wanted to see him blown up by a rocket launcher. But I didn’t want darkness - and they made sure not to give it - because our parting is bittersweet enough, thank you very much (fuck. you. Netflix).

Amor Vincit Omnia.

[falling-last-stardust]

Compilation of interviews from DreamWorks staff, Dean DeBlois and Jay Baruchel on the TV series (ROB, DOB & RTTE) and its canonicity within the HTTYD movieverse

Since I still see some people asking or arguing about this, I’ve decided to look for some interviews across the internet and compile as much as possible in a single post. Bear in mind that some of these are a few years old, with the earliest from 2014. 

Note and Disclaimer: Although I will state my perspective and opinion at the end of the post, I want to highlight that this is not to argue in favour or against anyone who considers it canon or not, but just to provide clarity to those who would like to hear what was actually said by those involved in the making of the franchise. Whether anyone wants to accept the TV series as canon despite what the Dreamworks crew and actors said, it’s entirely up to them. 

Long post ahead so I’m putting it under a “Keep reading” link. This post will also be updated if I find anymore interviews in the future relevant to this topic. 

Unfortunately since Tumblr no longer allows external links to be posted here, I have used redirects instead for the links of the interviews, which cannot be opened with the Tumblr mobile app, so you will need to use a browser to open them. Nevertheless, I have copied in and bold the relevant parts for those who cannot open the links. 

Collider (2014): with Jay Baruchel (and Dean DeBlois)

Link: [x] 

How does the television series factor in to the movie franchise?

JAY BARUCHEL:  One of the cool things about the TV show is that we get to go a bit more into the everyday life.  We don’t have enough screen time to do that in the movies.  We have a very specific finite amount of time that things have to happen in, in the movies.  What the TV show gives us is the chance to put the audience in that neighborhood and on that  island, experiencing the minutiae of everyday life for a Viking. 

Jay, it’s very rare for the star of the movie to be involved with the TV show, as well.  How did you become involved with the TV series?

BARUCHEL:  Well, for me, there was no question.  I didn’t want anyone else to play the role.  I think part of the actor’s job is to take ownership of the character, and to be defensive and protective, and all that stuff.  So, when it was first mentioned that Hiccup might have a life on television, it had to be me, in my opinion.  What is really cool about the TV show is that it takes place in between the two movies.  And so, when all is said and done and we walk away, we’ll have given the world a pretty full, complete story.  Selfishly, it’s kept me in that mind space.  A lot of people have been asking me what it’s like to come back to this character and come back to this world, and my answer has constantly been, “I never left.”  I just love that we’re creating this deep, open platform that’s a multimedia world.  What it all comes down to is that I just didn’t want anyone else to play Hiccup.

Groucho Reviews (2014):  with Dean DeBlois and the cast

Link: [x] 

G: So as we move toward a wrap-up here, maybe you could all talk a little bit about where you see the franchise going. I know there’s going to be a TV series that shows us what happens between the films…

Jay Baruchel (JB): Uh-huh!

G: And then where it might go from there. I’m sure there’s a plot for a third film, right—?

Dean DeBlois (DD): Mm-hm!

G: Because it’s conceived as a trilogy? 

DD: Yeah, absolutely. We didn’t want a sequel that felt random, or unneccesary. So in charting Hiccup’s coming of age, the end goal is to end up where Cressida Cowell began her books. Hiccup is an adult reflecting back on a time when there were dragons. And that seems to indicate that dragons will go away, that Hiccup will complete his coming of age. How that all evolves is yet to be unveiled. we just promise to do it in a very powerful and hopefully emotionally satisfying way. And then the TV series actually helps bridge the gap. So now that they’re heading into Series Three and Four, they’re going to use our older versions of the characters and begin to set up the year leading up to movie number two. So you’ll start to see Hiccup beginning to explore the outer limits of the Viking map. You’ll see the development of the dragon-racing games on Berk and other things: y'know, Hiccup’s dragon blade. All of these things will have a little bit more time to explain what they are and how they came to be. 

Rotoscopers (2015): with Douglas Sloan

Link: [x] 

Dean DeBlois could not be involved on a creative level with Race to the Edge, as he was incredibly busy with How to Train Your Dragon 2. However, they did continue to have regular check-in dinners with Dean to ensure that nothing in Race to the Edge conflicted with the overall continuity of the franchise. 

Toonzone (2015): with Art Brown and Douglas Sloan

Link: [x] 

Q: You know the point you’re going to, the second movie. In terms of storytelling, is that a process you have enjoyed? Knowing where you end up?

DOUG SLOAN: Yeah, I think it’s really actually great. It’s almost like bowling with bumpers because you know you can’t go here, here, here. You can’t bring in Hiccup’s mother. You can’t do any of the stuff they’re doing in the second movie. You can’t do something that upsets the movie or changes it in any way. So you really do have a guideline as to where you can go and where you can’t go. When we did it earlier it was hard because we didn’t know what the second movie was about, and it was constantly evolving, so the series had to constantly evolving behind it, but now–

ART BROWN: And it’s cool because you have a line that you’re going to, but you get to do all this. There’s only a few ground rules really. You can’t introduce them to stuff they don’t know about yet in the second movie, and anything we do introduce, like the Dragon Eye, we have to get rid of it or else they’d be using it. The mom and Drago, stuff like that. Other than that, they’re out in another area, and we’re free. Every once in a while if we’re not sure, we’ll e-mail Dean or go out to dinner with him and say hey, are you cool with this? And 99% of the time he’ll say yeah. Or maybe he’ll say can you adjust it just a little bit because I’m going to touch on something in the third movie or I’m thinking about it. 

Rama’s Screen (2015): with Art Brown and Douglas Sloan

Link: [x] 

Art Brown: “We’re in pretty close contact with Dean [DeBlois], the writer/director of the movies. We check with him when we’re going to do, before we do the season, we break into season, we say this is the direction we’re going to go, we don’t want to step on anything, sometimes he’ll say ‘Yeah, can you adjust it? Because I’m going to do this in the next movie’” 

Doug Sloan: “We had much more of an issue in the previous iteration of this show because we didn’t know what the movie was really going to be so we were sort of writing in the dark but for the Netflix, going forward with Netflix, we know where the show was going because we’ve seen the movie. Because our show is the prequel to the sequel, so we know everything that’s going to happen.”

Art Brown: “We know what we can’t do in the series. We can’t have Hiccup meet his mother obviously. Stoick is alive, but we can tease towards. We can’t kill Stoick in the series, we can tease towards Drago or the bad guys towards the series, you get a sense that they’re working for this big guy. We’ll set that sort of stuff up, there’s just certain things that we stay away from but like Doug said, that’s kind of self-explanatory, I guess.” 

Doug Sloan: “The great thing is we get to introduce things like the flight suit and the flaming sword that’s in the second movie, and how to came to be, how Stoick got a dragon, we get to put that in the series, and so the audience will know how they got from the first movie to the second movie sort of through the TV series.”

Doug Sloan: “Ya, it’s great. We’re really really lucky that we have the relationship we do with Dean [DeBlois] and Bonnie Arnold. And Gregg Taylor, he’s an executive at DreamWorks, who’s a movie executive primarily but he also works on our show, so he really is in the loop.“

Art Brown: “Ya, we check with him a lot. And if we don’t have the chance to talk with Dean or Bonnie, we talk to Gregg. But they’re so accessible, I mean honestly, ‘Hey, man what do you think about this episode, are you cool with it?’ And usually he’d say ‘Go with it’”

Rotoscopers (2015): with Richard Hamilton and Dean DeBlois

Link: [x] 

BS: Let’s go off topic for a little bit with a question for Dean. There is almost always an ongoing argument within the Dragons fandom over what can be considered canon or not if it’s in any other medium outside the feature films and shorts. Even the TV series has its ‘canon’ status called into question on a regular basis. In your own opinion, what do you consider to be the official canon for the How to Train Your Dragon franchise?

Dean DeBlois: The feature film trilogy and the characters contained within it serve a narrative purpose specific to those three films, but we’ve made efforts to ensure that every expansion, whether it’s in the TV series, comics, or other mediums, have a sense of tonal consistency and storytelling unity in keeping with the feature films. The only real exception is Cressida Cowell’s book series, being that her storyline focuses on a younger Hiccup and his talking, dog-sized dragon named Toothless. The feature films were a conscious departure from Cressida’s books, in order to tell a story that had more of the tropes of a fantasy adventure. So, within the world of the films, we have tried to remain consistent in all of the expansions. The comic books will adhere to the same constraints and tone of the trilogy. The TV series and comics are meant to fill in time jumps between the films, offering insight and back-story to compliment the main narrative of Hiccup’s coming-of-age.

BS: This question can be answered by either of you. Are there any elements from the TV show (characters, plotlines, settings, etc.) that will carry over or be touched upon in the graphic novels? Similarly, are there any elements from Cressida Cowell’s original books that you want to incorporate into the graphic novels?

Richard Hamilton: The answer to both is a resounding “Yes!” Part of the fun of the comics is coming up with new human and dragon characters and worlds, and part of it is mixing and matching elements from across the franchise to create new stories. How would Eret and Heather react to each other if they met? Is there a heist story to be told in the comics where the alarm system is made up of a bunch of tiny dragons? But we have to be a little careful with the continuity, as the TV show takes place before the event of the second movie, and our graphic novels come after, so we don’t want to spoil any of their awesome stories. Cressida Cowell’s series is a bit more removed from that continuity, so I think the challenge there is for us to reinterpret some of her ideas in a way that works for comics, which is a pretty tall order, since her books are just so great.

Reddit (2018): with Dean DeBlois

Link: [x] 

Q: Will there be references to Race to the edge in how to train your dragon 3 or how do you feel race to the edge interpreted what happened between the first and second movie?

A: I would agree with the latter. I would say Race to the Edge deals with what the first two movies go over. The film trilogy tends to stick to its film characters and script. Although we do tend to maintain to the universe.

Berk's Grapevine (2018): with Dean DeBlois

My final comments and opinion:

Based on these interviews above, it seems that the TV series is meant to be canon to the HTTYD movieverse from the very beginning, as it was specifically created to serve as a bridge between HTTYD and HTTYD2. The showrunners of the TV series are aware that there are limits they have to adhere to (e.g. such as not having Hiccup meet his mother before the events of HTTYD2); the fact that they have regular meetings with Dean DeBlois and Bonnie Arnold shows that they have tried to keep the series within the overall continuity and ensure that they do not step on each other’s toes on what they can or cannot show. 

If the TV series is not meant to be canon in the first place, it doesn’t make sense for the showrunners to even bother having any meetings with Dean and Bonnie at all and for Dreamworks to market this as an interquel between the first two movies. 

Yes it is agreed across the fandom there are inconsistencies across the show, but they are rather minor bumps compared to the overall timeline of the franchise and should not be used as a huge factor to discredit the canonicity of a work. Furthermore, what work of fiction is 100% consistent anyway? Inconsistencies also exist within a single work of fiction such as a book and movie and even within the HTTYD book series. 

Also, I have seen some here claiming that the movie crew did not contribute anything to the TV series and I would like to point out that that is completely untrue. Other than Dean DeBlois having regular meetings with the showrunners, there are a few from the movie department such as Simon Otto (head of character animation) and Gil Zimmerman (head of layout) who have directed some episodes of RTTE. You can find their names in the credits of the episodes they directed (screenshots below), or refer to this link here for reference. Additionally, Elaine Bogan (who has directed several episodes) was a storyboard artist in the first HTTYD film (source). 

Although I have presented my perspective and opinion above, I would like to iterate that I’m not posting this to re-start the argument between those who considers it canon and those who do not, but to provide some information and clarity to those who would like to hear what was said by those involved in the making of the franchise. Whether anyone wants to accept the TV series as canon, it’s entirely their decision and there is no right or wrong in this matter. I’ve learned and accepted that fanon discontinuity doesn’t just happened in this fandom, but in other fandoms such as the Star Wars and Harry Potter ones too, although some of them have gotten very vitriolic lately. 

Despite our differing opinions and whether we want to accept the TV series as canon or not, it doesn’t hurt to be civil about this and show respect to each other, so that we don’t end up becoming a toxic fandom like what has already happened with the Star Wars and Harry Potter ones. It also doesn’t mean that we cannot show appreciation to the creators, writers and animators for their hard work on expanding the franchise whether it’s the movies, TV series or comics, even though we do not always agree with all of their decisions made, and that they were not obliged to do this for us (the fans) in the first place. 

Bonus: What is confirmed to not be canon to the HTTYD movieverse

Additionally, we have confirmation from Richard Hamilton and Dean DeBlois that the Legend of the Boneknapper Dragon short and the upcoming rumoured Rescue Riders series are not officially canon to the movie franchise. Take a look at their tweets below. 

Richard Hamilton on LOTBD:

Dean DeBlois on Rescue Riders:

[sometimesrosy]

You said it would happen in s4, it didn't. Then you said it was set up for s5, it didn't happen either. What makes you think s6 will be any different? a "we keep teasing and it seems like yes, finally! but at the end we won't commit". Hope this doesn't come as rude, it's a genuine question.

Okay. Here’s the thing.

I am not a magic 8 ball. I can’t predict how the story will go because it’s NOT MY STORY. (If it were my story, I wouldn’t tell you though.) . All I’m doing is reading the canon and putting together the pieces to see what the picture is.

I, of course, bring my biases to my interpretation. I have been completely forthright about my bias. I have always been, and remain, #teamfuckingkissalready. 

I have, multiple times, had problems with reading the timeline of the story they are telling, because I pick up on the themes and tropes and archetypes and allusions, and I think, “Okay this is the story they are telling, it will be done at the end of this season.”

BUT, as I have discovered over the years, they are NOT TELLING a one season story. The only story that is one season is whatever the big bad is for that season. THOSE are one season stories and you can just watch it for that seasonal story and have lots of fun. They are less predictable because that’s the story with all the twists and turns and reversals and deaths and 

But there’s another layer of story underneath it, and those are character and relationship stories that stretch out for multiple seasons. It is hard to know how long those stories last. Bellarke is a story that is being told over the entire course of the show, but it is not the only story being dragged out. Clarke’s hero’s journey is another one that I keep expecting to reach completion and it just…. hasn’t. Bellamy’s HAS, though. Finally. He was the hero of book 1, in case you didn’t notice. He’s the one who saved the day. It was his transformation from selfish ass to inspirational leader that allowed EVERYONE to survive that last war, while Clarke has had to sacrifice her own soul to just keep humanity from dying out. I don’t mean to take away from Clarke as the hero of the story. She still is, but they are co-protagonists, and it was Bellamy’s actions in s5 that saved the day. And it looks like Clarke is FINALLY able to move forward from all her damage to be able to do the same thing in Book 2. Which is so super exciting to me. Okay. But these are still continuing stories. Clarke becoming the hero she’s meant to be and Bellarke becoming canon romantically. Neither of those stories reached their conclusion. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t happening. BOTH stories are still in action and MUCH closer to completion.

When my theories don’t pan out, I stop and look again at the information I picked up on, look to see if I read any of it wrong, look to see how I can adjust my interpretation with the new information and see if my theories have been tanked.

And here’s the thing. Except for the kissing, my theories are STILL GOING. Some of them were complete crack theory )long shots and actually have been confirmed. Like the cryosleep. Some of them were about the essential vision of the story. I said that maybe it wasn’t a tragedy after all, and maybe we would have a “comedy” (in the classical sense) as the ultimate ending, as in victory, marriage, happiness.  (we got that in actual canon with Marper and symbolically with Bellarke.) 

I said that Bellarke would be lose the war, that they would be expelled from the garden and lead their people on an exodus, and when it became clear that space was a possibility, the exodus theory connected with that, and I said it would be likely that they would return to space.   I said that Bellamy and Clarke would end up the season (and the show– or book 1) TOGETHER. And they did. Despite it seeming that all would be lost for them. In fact, I said THAT would happen too. I said it would seem like Bellarke was over and it would seem like they could never get back together and in the end it would be about choosing each other. And they did. These are story structures and mythic archetypes and genre tropes that I picked up on.

Did they kiss? No. But my interpretation of them being “together” has always leaned towards the KISS expression, and it has not gone there yet. My interpretation is borne out of my bias. Shall I state it again? #teamfuckingkissalready. 

Does this mean that the rest of what I said would happen doesn’t work? No. It all still works. And the questions of romance, while not revealed in a kiss yet, are actually STILL in play. 

If they weren’t still in play, I would reevaluate my speculation about Bellarke going romantically canon.

But the thing is, every time I go back in to readjust my speculation about the romance between Clarke and Bellamy, it is not only CONFIRMED but it is also deepened.

I don’t have to depend on my evidence from s3, or 4 or even 5.01. The relationship between Clarke and Bellamy has CONSISTENTLY gotten deeper, more romantic, and closer in every season. They are ALWAYS closer to romantic at the end of the season than they started out being at the beginning of the season. ALWAYS. Including this season. Whether they are physically separated or are together.

Do I still think they should just fucking kiss already, come on enough with this. YES.

DO I appreciate the attention and care going into developing Clarke’s feelings for Bellamy (s4) and then into developing Bellamy’s feelings for Clarke (s5)? YES.

I speculated on canon romantic Bellarke because that IS the endgame for the story I see. I speculated on it being NOW, dammit, because as a shipper, I want to see it now. 

I can separate my shipping from my analysis. But my analysis supports my shipping. Because Clarke and Bellamy are the backbone of the story. And they are developing it to be romantic.

And I also believe it is canon. Bellamy was stated in canon to love Clarke in the same way as he loved his (canon) romantic partner. Clarke’s feelings for Bellamy were EXPLICITLY paralleled to Lxa’s feelings for Clarke. Lxa told her not to betray her love the way she betrayed her (canon) love. THIS MAKES THEIR FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER CANONICALLY ROMANTIC. 

The introduction of the love triangle ALSO makes it canon. Because you cannot have a love triangle without having three love interests. They have, in canon, contrasted Echo and Clarke and their feelings for Bellamy and his for them multiple times, jealousy, comparisons, confrontations. They have left us with a love triangle that has not been resolved but that has been acknowledged by the man caught in the middle. So that means, that is the story for next season. Not just the mere presence of a love triangle, but the DILEMMA has been placed before Bellamy. It must be addressed. Maybe y’all think he’ll choose Echo over Clarke?

…

…

…

So, while I got the kiss wrong. 

Did I REALLY get the canon romance wrong?

No. 

I didn’t. I don’t think so. I’m happy with it, and with the direction of Bellarke and feel like what I said was happening is still happening, even if the kiss didn’t come yet. It’s very definitely a “yet” proposition.

They’re together. They love each other romantically. They have not addressed what that means yet to their relationship. Or to Bellamy’s relationship with Echo. They have to.

We were not baited at all. This is the setup. It is canon and explicit. 

It isn’t teasing. It is THE STORY. 

If they hinted at something and then went the other way, maybe. But they hint at it, and then back away, but keep heading towards it, getting closer every time. If you don’t like it. Don’t like it. But stop acting like it’s supposed to be a different story than it is, and learn to appreciate it for the story that is on screen.